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Thread: Out Of My League

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    Yeah, I chose to make Lyra the champion for this one. Last time I had a choice I went with Ethan, so it seemed only fair.



    ...Umm... pardon my tone, but mind explaining to me just how the hell that's mistreatment? In the real world, people have small animals that they keep as pets in cages all the time so that they can't hurt themselves unsupervised. Hell, in the real world we keep babies in pens for that very reason reason. Would you expect me to keep them running free in a lab full of dangerous implements that they could hurt themselves on? And they're not in their Poke balls because they still need to be out for some excercise and social time. I'm absolutely mystified as to why you think keeping them in the close-off suspended animation of the Poke ball is somewhere kinder than putting them together in a pen that's big enough for them to play in together.
    You're welcome!

    Okay, then it indeed seems fair.

    Well, Pokemon never complain about being in a Poke Ball (except for Ash's Pikachu and Dawn's Piplup, but those are exceptions), but when I think about Pokemon in a cage, I just think about this (link)...

    However, if the cage is big, I suppose it's fine, and you just said "a pen that's big enough for them to play in together", so then my comment was not right, sorry for this.

  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skiyomi View Post
    Chapter 2. Small Town.
    Yes, it's taken me forever to get here, but I am here now. Sorry for the delay!

    I have a theory about places like New Bark Town. You know, the kind of closed-off, out of the way and above all tiny communities that would be rendered completely insignificant to the rest of the world if it weren’t for the fact that someone absurdly famous was born there. Such places often become infused with a sense of wonder and mysticism. They can become a source of… anything, really—morality, common sense, and even, strangely enough, reality. I remember shortly after Lyra Soulis took down the Elite Four to become Johto and Kanto’s new champion, there were a bunch of articles about her and about New Bark. In its rush to praise the then-tween champion, the Violet Examiner expressed its gratitude that someone from “the real Johto” had beaten the league. I hope it was as big a surprise to Lance as it was to me that Blackthorn City is part of the fictional Johto.
    A lot of good stuff here, primarily the poking at real-world media (and they know who they are) that act like big cities (i.e., the places that don't vote the way that the aforementioned media want them to) aren't the "real America". Also...going with Lyra over Ethan. Women's Equality, score 1.

    As I stared into the scant main street that constituted downtown New Bark, with such thrilling attractions as the corner store and a dentist office, I knew exactly why young people who leave such towns are so determined to be successful. It’s so they never have to come back to places like this again.
    It's probably just me, but I think the first sentence would be more entertaining (and by that, I mean sarcastic) if it was written as "with such thrilling attractions as Corner Store and Dentist Office...". It works either way, but I think that way might just fit a bit better with the facetious tone of Milly's narration.

    and complained every half an hour about the fact the reading in moving vehicles gave me a headache.
    Should be "that".

    It was the windmills! The goddamn windmills! They were all over the place on raised white platforms coated in chipped paint. They filtered the waning light of the day, casting long shadows as they turned and turned. They were probably ear-splitting up at propeller-decapitation distance, but from where I was standing all you could hear was a low thwooph-thwooph-faaa. The sound was endless. Monotonous. Maddening. I glared up at the offensively rural things, tapped my sneakers together and muttered, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” It didn’t work. I was still in New Bark Town.
    1) Super odd coincidence? My newest chapter of BB has a Wizard of Oz reference, too.

    2) Fun fact: My wife is terrified of windmills. The county I used to work in was lousy with them, and any time she saw them, even at a distance, she told me she was irrationally afraid a blade would snap off and come kill her. Milly sounds like she is, too (am I the only one who DOESN'T automatically think of decapitation/impalement when I see them?).

    I said nothing for a moment, trying not to think of razor sharp edges and Roy’s neck and the things he could do with windmills. Finally I suggested with a dark little chuckle, “If you brought a sword than you could tilt at them.”
    I have seen the blades up close, Milly; I promise they aren't razor-sharp. And while I get the Don Qixote reference, I have never, for the life of me, understood what "tilting at windmills" meant.

    Perhaps it was the talk of fighting windmills that made humming the main theme from the musical version of Donphan Quixote
    GROAN.

    …Which didn’t necessarily mean they were okay with it. I couldn’t help but notice that Professor Elm’s aqua dress shirt bore no marks of being ironed, so perhaps Mrs. Elm has her own quiet revenge for the lack of order in their lives.
    Milly just instantly assumes ironing/laundry is a woman's job. Taking that point back from women's equality after all.

    “After all, to have the kind of breeding compatibility that can allow such disparate creatures as a Skitty and a Wailord to breed is something quite spectacular.”
    Oh, it's the Ghost Of Memes Past! Always fun.

    The egg stuff is really interesting to see all described in depth. I'll admit to having wondered about it myself (though not in the context of Miltank producing milk, admittedly). You've put a lot of thought into this, I see.

    I scurried over to take a peek. I have to tell you, dear readers, that after the dense science talk about Pokemon breeding in antiquity and after my not so lovely thoughts about selective breeding, I needed a pick-me-up. The no-holds-barred injection of pure, unadulterated cuteness from that pen did the trick.
    I must admit, this is the first sense I've had in some time that this story is actually the story Milly is WRITING and not just her mental narration as it goes. It seems weird then to add in details like finding Roy physically attractive in the narration (would she really add that in a publication?).

    I immediately took out my Silph-Phone and snapped a picture of the little things—so much younger and smaller than the starters I usually see kids leading through Goldenrod. Totodile and Cyndaquil were napping in the corner, with Totodile curled around Cyndaquil leeching the fire-type’s warmth to heat its cold, reptilian blood. Chikorita trotted up to the edge of the pen as soon as I got there, as though it had learned to expect treats from approaching humans. I quickly sent the photograph to Daphne, texting an “awww!” message consisting of more w’s than someone with my literary training really should include. I’m not ashamed of the extra w’s. I am, however, slightly ashamed of the multiple exclamation points.
    Funny and charming.

    “Yeah, I guess so,” I answered, as a thought suddenly occurred to me. “Plus I bet if they go second that they can just pick the Pokemon that their friend’s is weak against.”

    “…That actually happens more often than you’d think,” Professor Elm admitted, scratching at his cheek somewhat nervously.
    More fun tropes!

    “Me?” I asked, tearing my gaze away from the creatures in the cage. “No… uh… actually mine was a Bellsprout,” I confessed.

    “Ah, so you’re a grass-type fan, then?” Professor Elm asked pleasantly.

    “Chika!” the Chikorita in the cage called cheerily.

    “Uh… not really,” I said, wincing. “I don’t have the Bellsprout anymore.”

    At this comment, the Chikorita in the cage lost all of its budding affection for me and went to skulk in the back of its cage by the water bowl.
    Also very charming.

    The Elm stuff was interesting... he always did seem like the most flustered and scatter-brained of the professors to me based on the games, and I think you did a resally good job with him. Not sure that I have any additional advice on what you could have done with him.

    I could have used more Milly/Daphne/Roy than we got. I understand now all chapters can focus on them, but I feel their dynamic drives the story, and you did basically JUST get them together, so it seemed a bit early to me for them to be written out of a chapter. But oh well. I'm sure we'll get lots more of them.

    Sorry again for the delay, but I did enjoy this chapter!


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  3. #28
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    Yes, it's taken me forever to get here, but I am here now. Sorry for the delay!
    Oh pshaw! You're waaaaay more on top of things than I am, so there's no need to apologize. Thanks so much for taking the time to leave comments

    Also...going with Lyra over Ethan. Women's Equality, score 1.
    Ha! Yeah, I made Ethan the champ in Until I Defeat You, so I figured it was Lyra's turn in this fic.

    Fun fact: My wife is terrified of windmills. The county I used to work in was lousy with them, and any time she saw them, even at a distance, she told me she was irrationally afraid a blade would snap off and come kill her. Milly sounds like she is, too (am I the only one who DOESN'T automatically think of decapitation/impalement when I see them?).
    It actually seems to be a surprisingly not uncommon fear. Or at least, blaming windmills irrationally for ailments is. I don't think Milly's exactly afraid of them, she's just away from home and unhappy about it and lumping most of that hate onto the windmills.

    And while I get the Don Qixote reference, I have never, for the life of me, understood what "tilting at windmills" meant.
    I thought it meant engaging in a pointless activity and had some dialogue planned around that fact. But then I double-checked it when I was looking it up and it more specifically just means lashing out against enemies that don't exist. Which... I guess I knew, but I thought the definition was broader. Oh well.

    GROAN. :P
    You may groan, but you have no idea how long I spent trying to figure out how best to convey this joke. I was determined to include the reference whether people got it or not, but I still wanted it to be as clear as possible. I went through a lot of versions of things like "Manaphy of La Mancha" before I just went with Donphan Quixote.

    Milly just instantly assumes ironing/laundry is a woman's job. Taking that point back from women's equality after all.
    A rather odd comment from a woman who probably doesn't even fold her clothes let alone iron them :P but I assume Milly is willing to be backwards and stereotyping if she thinks she can get a quip in.

    The egg stuff is really interesting to see all described in depth. I'll admit to having wondered about it myself (though not in the context of Miltank producing milk, admittedly). You've put a lot of thought into this, I see.
    It was really supposed to be a side note--just a way of showing that Elm kind of goes off on these intellectual tangents. But then it just... grew. I started researching it and it just started to take over the chapter. Maybe I should've saved it for a time in the future when they visit a Day Care center or something, but I couldn't help myself because I found it quite interesting.

    I must admit, this is the first sense I've had in some time that this story is actually the story Milly is WRITING and not just her mental narration as it goes. It seems weird then to add in details like finding Roy physically attractive in the narration (would she really add that in a publication?).
    Her rationale for this, which I think is glanced over briefly in chapter one, is that Roy specifically would not read anything she wrote. I'd also consider her the type of person that's willing to open herself up to a certain amount of and a certain type of humiliation if it means churning out authentic and personally dramatic material.

    Funny and charming.
    I'm glad it came off that way! I was a little worried I'd made Milly too much of a sour-puss, to the point where readers might not believe she could gush over adorable baby Pokemon.

    The Elm stuff was interesting... he always did seem like the most flustered and scatter-brained of the professors to me based on the games, and I think you did a resally good job with him. Not sure that I have any additional advice on what you could have done with him.
    I felt a little bad that I didn't go back and rewatch the episodes of the anime involving him for this, but I don't think it comes off as too off. Anyway, I'm writing more based on the games than the anime.

    I could have used more Milly/Daphne/Roy than we got. I understand now all chapters can focus on them, but I feel their dynamic drives the story, and you did basically JUST get them together, so it seemed a bit early to me for them to be written out of a chapter. But oh well. I'm sure we'll get lots more of them.
    That's my biggest problem with this chapter as well. It does feel too early to break them up. On the other hand, their main part is during traveling bits. I wasn't sure if I wanted to set a precedent by including them in the first interview, especially since I didn't have anything for them to do in it (I could've FOUND something, I'm sure, but it would've changed teh scene). I also considered expanding the bus trip part to give them more inclusion, but I felt like I'd be padding the chapter if I did that, and I really liked the opening of coming out into New Bark Town and talking about small towns.

    So yeah... it's a problem. I'm not entirely sure how to solve it. But I can say that there should be much more Daphne and Roy (and the main character's Pokemon which I am also sorry for not including in this chapter) as the story goes on (whenever it actually DOES go on. *frowns at schedule*)

    Imma go back and fix the technical mistake you pointed out. Once again, thanks so much for your feedback on this! I really appreciate it.

  4. #29
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    Okay, I promised myself that I would read more fics this year, and thus I'm here because of the Review Game.

    All right, let me see what we've got here... (note: I'm too lazy to pick out one chapter despite the Review Game's suggestion, so I'll just review the whole thing. XD)


    The plot is quite unique. We have Milly, a young journalist whose view of the Pokemon world is quite sarcastic (at best). She wants to write a book about the Pokemon League...from her point of view. The fact that her point of view is so cynical and vain is what makes this so enjoyable, especially because--as we're reading from a first-person perspective--we get every possible peek into Milly's unique opinions and thoughts.

    Now let's move on to character. As I've stated, Milly is great as a narrator because of her cynical and opinionated personality, as well as the fact that she's basically the odd one out. She is one of the few protagonists who looks at the Pokemon world from a realistic perspective, and points out all the odd things about it (such as how trainers can strike out on their own at age 10). This sort of character type is really rare, and I enjoy seeing it used (I'm kind of a sucker for originality. XD).

    Due to the nature of the narration, I don't have as much to say about Daphne and Roy, but I don't mind. Their purpose is clearly to provide contrasting personalities for Milly to bounce off of, and this is especially the case with Roy, the sole "trainer" of the group. His greater experience in training-related matters and logical line delivery present a sort of foil to Milly's inexperience and dry wit. Daphne I can't really comment on too much, other than that she sticks to the background (or is pushed there by Milly during the narration) a lot and that Roy's pet name for her reminds me of Looney Tunes.

    The spelling and grammar are pretty solid for the most part. I don't usually read too deeply into that sort of thing unless mistakes are all over the place, and I'm happy to say that mistakes are rare (and probably pointed out for the most part by other reviewers). There is, however, one thing I want to comment on:

    And when writers at my own beloved Goldenrod Gazette described New Barkian champion Lyra Soulis as being from “the heart and soul of Johto” (I get it, Mike. Hilarious. Puns are my department.) they weren’t just stroking New Bark’s small town ego.
    Okay...I'm not entirely sure if I'm officially right about this, but I'm relatively certain that the last period inside the parenthesis (or however you spell the plural) shouldn't be there. Exclamation and question marks maybe, but...periods just look off at the end of a parenthesis statement. This could entirely be my preferences, since you have multiple sentences within parenthesis and I usually have one quick little comment. I may try and look this up later, as I'm not sure if I'm actually right, but I might as well bring it to your attention.


    One last thing I want to comment on: puns. This. Story. Has. So. Many. PUNS. And not all of them are made by Milly:
    So I’d decided a Grey Houndoom bus was our best option.
    Perhaps it was the talk of fighting windmills that made humming the main theme from the musical version of Donphan Quixote irresistible.
    the Saffron-based, fire-type themed boy-band The Charming Manders
    Plus the four or five made by Milly in the prologue and "McMiltank's" (which I'm assuming is a McDonald's reference?), this story has more puns in it than any other that I have read in my entire life. Why are there so many puns? Is it your preferred style of humor, or is it just something there for the readers to react to? Either way...the groans you get from them are a sign that they are well-executed. XD


    Well, I've filled my quota for the Review Game, so I'll be heading off, now. I don't consider myself very good at writing "in-depth" reviews, so hopefully this will suffice.

    Good luck with your schedule and the next chapter, because this is really enjoyable to read.
    Current fanfics:


    Proving Grounds

    How far will one boy go to prove something?

  5. #30
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    First off, thanks so much for your comments here I'll respond to your points here.

    The plot is quite unique. We have Milly, a young journalist whose view of the Pokemon world is quite sarcastic (at best). She wants to write a book about the Pokemon League...from her point of view. The fact that her point of view is so cynical and vain is what makes this so enjoyable, especially because--as we're reading from a first-person perspective--we get every possible peek into Milly's unique opinions and thoughts.

    Now let's move on to character. As I've stated, Milly is great as a narrator because of her cynical and opinionated personality, as well as the fact that she's basically the odd one out. She is one of the few protagonists who looks at the Pokemon world from a realistic perspective, and points out all the odd things about it (such as how trainers can strike out on their own at age 10). This sort of character type is really rare, and I enjoy seeing it used (I'm kind of a sucker for originality. XD).
    I'm glad it came off as new and I'm glad you like our narrator. And that you picked up on her vanity! It's a special kind of vanity, really--she's self-depracating, but she's also self-obsessed.

    Due to the nature of the narration, I don't have as much to say about Daphne and Roy, but I don't mind. Their purpose is clearly to provide contrasting personalities for Milly to bounce off of, and this is especially the case with Roy, the sole "trainer" of the group. His greater experience in training-related matters and logical line delivery present a sort of foil to Milly's inexperience and dry wit. Daphne I can't really comment on too much, other than that she sticks to the background (or is pushed there by Milly during the narration) a lot and that Roy's pet name for her reminds me of Looney Tunes.
    Yeah, I regret that I haven't done as much as I wanted to with Roy and Daphne right off the bat. They're meant to be more colorful and hopefully will be if I can ever get around to updating this again X_x

    Okay...I'm not entirely sure if I'm officially right about this, but I'm relatively certain that the last period inside the parenthesis (or however you spell the plural) shouldn't be there. Exclamation and question marks maybe, but...periods just look off at the end of a parenthesis statement. This could entirely be my preferences, since you have multiple sentences within parenthesis and I usually have one quick little comment. I may try and look this up later, as I'm not sure if I'm actually right, but I might as well bring it to your attention.
    You know... I'm not sure about that either. I wouldn't normally use a period at the end of a clause inside parentheses, but when I'm using multiple sentences within parentheses... it feels weird to the leave the last one at the end off. But I think I probably should leave the last period off like you pointed out. I'll have to check on this too @_@

    Plus the four or five made by Milly in the prologue and "McMiltank's" (which I'm assuming is a McDonald's reference?), this story has more puns in it than any other that I have read in my entire life. Why are there so many puns? Is it your preferred style of humor, or is it just something there for the readers to react to? Either way...the groans you get from them are a sign that they are well-executed. XD
    XD Well... I do love wordplay, but this is probably the punniest thing I've ever written. I think there are two reasons for this. 1. This is a Pokemon world that has real-world equivalents (like Greyhound buses and McDonalds) which leaves the possibility of Poke-Puns wide open. 2. Growing up with the original Pokemon dub, so much of my nostalgia of Pokemon goes back to terrible, terrible puns, so it always seems more appropriate when I'm writing for this fandom :P

    Well, I've filled my quota for the Review Game, so I'll be heading off, now. I don't consider myself very good at writing "in-depth" reviews, so hopefully this will suffice.

    Good luck with your schedule and the next chapter, because this is really enjoyable to read.
    Awesome, I'm glad you enjoyed it--and thanks so much for the review!

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