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Thread: The Tale of a Wanderer (PG-13/15)

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    Default The Tale of a Wanderer (PG-13/15)

        Spoiler:- Rating:


    Now that the rating explanation is out of the way, I can get this show on the road with a proper introduction:

    This is a fanfic I've been working on for some time but rarely have the time to actually write and proofread. It's taken me a long time even at that to painstakingly write the chapters that I've (almost) completed, keeping in mind the overall plot of the story.

    It's my first serious fanfic, and as such I am still learning the ropes. Nonetheless, I believe I've produced a fine work for you all to see.

    Before I take you into this fiction, I'd like to let you all know that I'll be most grateful for reviews and feedback. Yes, I've taken a lot of time in proofreading for mechanics, grammar, and other elements of quality, but nonetheless there might be things I might have missed.

    Thanks again for choosing to read, and again, please leave your comments! I worked a long time on this, and I'd love to see ways that I can improve.

    Enjoy!

        Spoiler:- PM List:


        Spoiler:- Character Bios (coming up in the future):


    ----------------

        Spoiler:- Author's Notes (extra & Prologue):


    ===========================================

    Source: Canalave Library (located in Canalave, Sinnoh). Excerpt in a textbook published for local high school classes about 150 years ago, now stored within the library computers’ archives.

    Deep in the heart of the vast Sinjoh Mountain Range, two hundred or so miles northwest of Johto's Lake of Rage, once stood the secret Headquarters of Team Thunder. They were widely feared, as they were one of the continent’s largest and most powerful crime syndicates. Their long-term goal was, of course, world domination.

    They already had large territories, as well as control over most of the governments of the northern Johto Region and southwestern Sinnoh. They also carried out large operations that extended even across the vast ocean into Eastern Unova. However, in spite of their far-reaching power even there, they were still hesitant to come out and face a few of Unova's larger organizations on their own turf -- namely the latest reincarnations of Team Plasma, or the League of Shadows.

    As for Kanto, they had numerous operations, but their highly disciplined and incorruptible Central Intelligence Agencies had completely eradicated most of their operations before they could truly take root. Hence, a large chunk of the region never saw their presence.

    In Eastern Sinnoh, the situation was the same, although Team Thunder could not be driven out of portions of Western Sinnoh, namely their Regional Headquarters near Canalave City. However, they recently suffered great losses in the north at the hands of the United Kingdom of Sinnoh, which occupied all of the large islands north and east of the continent itself, and a good portion of territory on the mainland. In spite of all of this, their presence was very strong within and around Snowpoint City as well as Iron Island, where they retained absolute control.

    The Caspian Empire, yet another one of the countries in Sinnoh, occupied a large portion of that region, its capitol being a strongly fortified city (now known as Oreburgh) near Mount Coronet. Its territory extended west to the borders of the city-state of Canalave, south to the foothills of the Sinjoh Mountains, to the far north by territory belonging openly to Team Thunder, as well as the United Kingdom of Sinnoh to the distant northwest. To the south was the ocean, which they were not strong enough at the time to expand across into the heart of Team Thunder’s territory. King Alfred Berlitz II, who held power as a constitutional monarch, ruled the Caspian Empire at that time. Other than incursions into their territory and covert criminal acts by Team Thunder, they otherwise maintained a strong front against their enemies.

    To the east of it lay the ever-strong nation of Dragos, which was by far the largest nation to occupy a part of Sinnoh. As there is a large gap in the mountains in that region, it allowed the nation of Dragos to occupy the whole of northern Kanto, along with most of southern and eastern Sinnoh. Their capitol city stood on a large island east of what is now Sunyshore City. That island is now under the sea, and the once-great empire broken up, with both halves going their separate ways.

    ----------------------

    Team Thunder eventually crumbled at the hands of the military, when the Kingdom of Sinnoh, the Caspian Empire, and Dragos united to bring down this vast criminal organization’s reign of terror over the region 100 years ago. Since then, they have united, with the whole of the Caspian Empire and the Kingdom of Sinnoh joining with a political marriage, forming the Sinnoh Confederation that exists today. As for Dragos, a natural disaster overtook their capitol shortly after, and the nation broke up, with the northern regions of it being absorbed into the new nation of Sinnoh. As for the Kanto side of things, they elected a new Chancellor, and after having failed to bring their northern territories back into the fold, moved their capitol over to Saffron, and changed the name of the country to the Federation of Kanto. There that nation exists to this day… but that is a different story.

    As for Team Thunder, their leader himself eluded capture, although his organization lost their tyrannical hold over Iron Island, Snowpoint, and Canalave. All those places joined the Sinnoh Confederation freely. The new Sinnoh Confederation successfully pushed Team Thunder down south, although they failed to find their Headquarters, as they moved it after their fall from power. Nonetheless, the area as you know now entered the state of unity and prosperity it has now.

    --- End of excerpt.



    Prologue


    Sinnoh, 40 years ago. Secret Team Thunder installation within the Sinjoh Mountains.

    “Sir, the experiment so far is on schedule, and we now have results,” a woman wearing a black uniform reported to a younger man, who was also dressed almost entirely in black.

    “Good. What was the test Pokémon?” The youthful Boss’s deep voice resonated throughout the laboratory room, his voice commanding the full respect and attention of those listening. The tall, dark-haired man walked down the hall he had inherited barely five years ago from his fathers, and he could not have gotten it at a worse time for ambitious projects.

    “…Sir?” The woman snapped Dantčs out of his darker thoughts. “As you know, any living Pokémon that we have tested so far have perished in the experimentation, as their genetic structure has proven to be incompatible with the DNA of the extremely rare Pokčmon, Mew, who we believe to be the best source for our DNA base for the therapy. Subjects showed increased stamina, intelligence, and superiority to others of their kind when given their genetic therapy. Furthermore, their outward structures also changed, giving them a different color, at time being akin to those rare versions of their species known as Shiny Pokčmon. However, their bodies shortly rejected the serum, and their tissues all destroyed themselves eventually. Here is the full report.” The woman handed over a clipboard with a considerable amount of paper attached to it, and continued on without interruption.

    “However, as always, these failures are but a minor setback. In light of this, we have decided to test our serum on an un-hatched Pokémon that is naturally strong enough to survive the injection.” The woman’s tones were soft and delicate…but without emotion. “So far, this part of the experiment is now turning out to be a success.”

    “Good. If this batch of subjects proves to be good, then we will have an army of strong Pokémon without having to catch or steal any, and not only that, we can carefully train them from scratch ourselves. If and when this plan is implemented, we can simply take back this continent, and we will be restored to our former power, and then, after that the world is ours for the taking…” The Boss’s pale face was mostly unemotional as was, but the woman standing next to him knew that the words she spoke were almost music to his ears.

    “Then we will go and make more of it right away and secure more compatible eggs for ourselves in the meantime.” The woman said her words more as a suggestion than a declaration, looking like she was secretly hoping to be recognized for her initiative.

    “Good call, Scarlett. I am pleased with your efficiency. If this serum works on our Pokémon well enough, we may very well begin testing this formula on humans as well at the same time. However it would have to be a silent and covert operation, so much so that only a few even among ourselves may know the subject AND the experiment, or else all may be lost.” The Boss left the laboratory, and Scarlet followed down several corridors. They then went in silence to a small landing pad outside where the Boss’s helicopter awaited to take him back to Headquarters in the western portion of Canalave City.

    He was inexperienced compared to his late father when it came to actually being in charge. However, his father groomed him for this sort of job ever since he was a very small child, so he was already very prepared to take the throne of what remained of the once-vast organization. He then seamlessly took the mantle that his father left behind without contest, and was already working on his various “projects” before the surprise actually registered with his enemies that Team Thunder actually had a new leader chosen this quickly…

    The two stopped before the helicopter made preparations for take-off, and Scarlet finally spoke up. “Why human testing already, James? Aren’t the Pokémon we have strong enough for breeding as is to create a competent Pokémon army?" Scarlet's deep concern was betrayed by a frown on her face, accented by her typical aura of stubbornness. “How far will we go when we say ‘enough’?”

    “That is for me to decide. As for human testing, this option is worth considering, in spite of the risks. Pokémon tend to have minds of their own, while humans are more easily influenced to obey their superiors...” Dantčs talked to Scarlett as if she were his student, and he the professor -- right down to the remorseless expression on the young man's face. “Not to mention that a human with a few of a Pokémon’s abilities would make an arguably better trainer than a normal human would.” The truth was that his intentions were to create a serum the nearest possible instant. He wanted to see what effect this stuff would have on a human, so that he could learn the pros and cons beforehand.

    Scarlett displayed an artificial smile. At least she could get her way in some things. “Who shall we test these new formulas on then? We cannot risk any of our own people, as everyone is an essential member of Team Thunder.”

    “Yes, every member is essential -- as long as they do their duty. As for how far I am willing to go with this stuff, I will make that call when I see fit. In the meantime, place any compatible egg in stasis for further experimentation. I do not want it to hatch earlier than I want it to.” Dantčs’ cold tone silenced Scarlet. She already knew what to do, and it did not involve questioning her leader. She walked off the landing pad, letting her leader go.

    She knew how important this operation was to the young leader. Both he and his father had worked on something like this… However, he simply did not hold the same purely dominating presence that his father did. For as much as he was intimidating and intelligent, he was young -- perhaps too young to lead in a time like this.

    Scarlett sighed, and resigned herself to the fact that things would be the way they would be. The younger Dantčs was leader, and she could not do any better than he could at the given moment, even if she tried. Therefore, she had to remain at her place by his side. Even so, even one as callous as Scarlett had limits to her own humanity, and lately they had been pushed far. She had seen the deaths of some of the Pokčmon that had reacted the worst during experiments, and the thought of seeing a human being going out that way that infinitely appalling…

    She shoved the thoughts as far away from the front of her mind as she could, as she went down the ramp to begin setting up tighter security. After all, with enemies like the ones Team Thunder had, it was almost necessary. She also needed to make sure that the experimentations -- no matter how much she objected to some of them -- commenced and then went on as smoothly and efficiently as possible.

    After all, she was Scarlett, and she had her reputation to uphold. She shouted down a random guard who was slacking off on his guard duty. This day had put her in a bad mood, and it was never wise to mess with this one on a bad day. She marched off, and got on the phone. “Fred, James says it’s time.”

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sinnoh, Canalave City. Team Thunder Headquarters, two weeks later.

    Dantčs walked down the hall of an opulent mansion that belonged to a younger man, who was a part of the elite ruling class of of the city-state of Canalave. His father had been a known criminal who the police killed in a gunfight between their forces and his. What the police did not know was his exact name that he used in the civilian world, nor what he owned in it. In fact, they knew so little that the late Dantčs was in fact more of a ghost they managed to bring down than a man.

    Here, he was Richard Alfonse II, and had inherited this mansion on his late mother’s side of the family, as he and both his parents were all lacking in siblings. He had picked his alias up from his mother’s side from the start, careful enough not to use his father’s old alias, in case the police were to find out about it. Here, he was king of his own small world, and what he said was law.

    An old man walking slowly down the hall, who happened to be his personal valet in this side of things, interrupted him. To everyone else, he was but a servant here, but in Team Thunder, he was an Executive in charge of the operations going on in this sector of Sinnoh. “So, how was the day?” To any others that might have been prying, it was an innocent and routine question. However, the two promptly went into a secure study and shut the doors behind any others that may be eavesdropping.

    “Oh, it was productive.” Dantčs handed over a clipboard to the elderly man, who eagerly scanned it. “What do you think of Number Six?”

    “Which batch? I see about five different ones here, all different results.” The Executive scanned the clipboard again, seeing plenty of promising batches.

    “The third one -- That’s the one that reacted the best to the treatment. It seems to be not only stable, but also actually taking it well. Look at the way its skin tone is changing, though.” Dantčs was apparently pleased with this particular one.

    “Ah, that’s going to be a good Axew alright, if it survives any time after hatching. As for the skin tone, it does not matter too much anyway. Chances are, it‘s going to be one known commonly as a Shiny, so there‘s no need to fret about that condition. What about the others, Alphonse?” It was a requirement to use their codenames, even behind closed doors. If they were caught talking about something strange, they could easily attribute it to something else, and keep their conversations and activities out of unwanted eyes and hands.

    “I don’t think they’re going to make it, Alex. I will be calling the boys and telling them to put down any that react badly to it. If things go downhill for then, I will tell them to wait 24 before pulling the plug on them. However, I think that we should do anything in our power to keep that Axew up and running. Number 1336’s serum needs to be replicated to exact details and prepared for a human target, if the formula works.” James Dantčs was eager for his father’s ambitions to be finally realized. This plan had been in the making for all of his life, and he would be the architect of it coming into being…

    Nothing had to mess up, though. If something did, forty years and two generations of work and sacrifice would be for naught, and Team Thunder could potentially meet its ruin from it.
    Last edited by Cosmic Fury; 19th August 2012 at 7:40 AM. Reason: Edited the OP
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  2. #2
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    My fanfic isn't titled "The Littlest Elf" for a reason. Now is your chance to pick up it up instead, and read it. No doubt you will get more smiles from that than from this tale of a largely unfortunate person. (First person who gets the reference and posts it gets props.)
    Series of unfortunate events, herp. =p

    Anyways! The story's beginning is quite interesting, I have to say. Pokemorph/people with Pokemon powers/whatnot is always an idea I've liked reading about (if not done badly at any rate), and the setup so far with it is solid. Admittedly it is a bit worrying given he wants to test the stuff on humans asap, which can surely not go down well. I wonder who ends up taking it, if we get shown that?

    The characters are well established too; interesting to read about, and their intereactions are sound. Team Thunder's bunch are an intriguing bunch there, and it's almost a pity some (or all) may not show up again too often given this was set 40 years before the next parts down the track. Scarlet and the young leader in particular are my favourites there.

    The intro giving information on Team Thunder was interesting, but the weaker of the two parts I thought...
    Deep in the heart of the vast Sinjoh Mountain Range, two hundred or so miles northwest of the Lake of Rage, in Johto, once stood the secret Headquarters of the widely feared Team Thunder, one of the continent’s largest and most powerful crime syndicates. Their long-term goal was of course, world domination.
    Comma usage was a bit odd at times, especially in the beginning. I am not too sure of the commas being used around 'in Johto' - they do work but it slows down the sentence too much I feel, making the fact it's telling us a fair bit already not that clear as it could be. I also feel the comma after 'of course' is unnecessary, although you could go with an extra one before it instead; 'Their long term goal was, of course, world domination.' sound more natural to me.

    On that note, I'm not sure you really need the 'of course' there - for a pamphlet it sounds like a odd thing to be written in it.
    They already had large territories, as well as control over most of the governments of the northern Johto Region and southwestern Sinnoh, with large operations extending even across even the vast ocean, into Eastern Unova, where they still were hesitant to show themselves in public, in the face of its many larger organizations, such as the latest reincarnations of Team Plasma, the League of Shadows, and other similar organizations.
    Here there's too many commas extending this near-70-word-long sentence. It's certainly a run-on sentence, and I'd advise splitting it up into a few. You start by talking about what they control, to where said control extends, to how they act (privately, not publically), and then other teams. That's too many topics for just one sentence; keep it to at maximum two (related) topics a sentence, as otherwise you'd just lose the reader.
    As you, the student knows well, Team Thunder eventually crumbled at the hands of the military
    This also felt odd; why is the pamphlet addressing the reader as 'the student' firstly? Why would only students read it, and for that matter why is it a pamphlet? The more I read the more it feels like an extract from a book tbh. As for the commas, something like 'As you, the student, knows well, Team Thunder' would be better but it does make it sound too disjointed, which is another reason some rewording around that part would be something to consider.
    “Sir, the experiment so far is on schedule, and we now have results.” A woman wearing a black uniform reported to a man, also dressed completely in black.
    I'd treat this bit as one sentence rather than two, so use a comma after 'results' and change 'A' to 'a'. Otherwise the second sentences sounds incomplete as-is.
    “Why human testing already, James? Aren’t the Pokémon we have strong enough for breeding as is to create a competent Pokémon army? Scarlet had a genuine look of concern on her face. “How far will we go when we say ‘enough’?”
    Watch for missing quotation marks around the break in speech to tell us her look of concern in the latter part of this quote.

    Also, consider showing just a bit more than telling. Rather than 'she had a genuine look of concern on her face', try describing that look - pursed lips, a frown, etc allows you to describe her more while showing us she is concerned rather than just saying she did.


    Overall though it is a decent beginning. Hope this was of help to you, and good luck with the rest of your fic!

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  3. #3
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    Im probably going to say some things that bobandbill already said, but I was just mentioning things I caught. And with that, here I go...

    Your Rating explanation reminds me of Lemony Snicket's books. He often starts like that, or puts things like that on the back cover. In fact, that is the reference, your speaking of, correct?
    They already had large territories, as well as control over most of the governments of the northern Johto Region and southwestern Sinnoh, with large operations extending even across even the vast ocean, into Eastern Unova, where they still were hesitant to show themselves in public, in the face of its many larger organizations, such as the latest reincarnations of Team Plasma, the League of Shadows, and other similar organizations.
    That sentence just keeps going. And going. And going. Sentences, as a rule, probably shouldn't emulate the Energizer Bunny, lol
    However, their northernmost losses recently suffered greatly at the hands of the United Kingdom of Sinnoh, which occupied all of the large islands east of the mainland, and a good portion of territory on the mainland.
    The second 'mainland' is a tad repetitive.
    As you, the student knows well, Team Thunder eventually crumbled at the hands of the military, when the Kingdom of Sinnoh, the Caspian Empire, and Dragos united to bring down this vast criminal organization’s reign of terror over the region 100 years ago.
    Like me, you seem to use a lot of commas. Its a habit I'm trying to break, actually. Think of every comma as a pause because that's essentially what they are. It makes your sentences jerky, doesn't it?
    The new Sinnoh Confederation successfully pushed Team Thunder down south, although they failed to find their Headquarters, as they moved it after their fall from power. Nonetheless, the area as you know now entered the state of unity and prosperity it has now.
    Again, commas. The one after headquarters shouldn't be there. Also, there should be commas around 'as you now know'.
    Sinnoh, 40 years ago, in a secret Team Thunder installation, in the Sinjoh Mountains.
    Remove the comma after installation.
    The Boss’s pale face was mostly unemotional as was,
    As was? Perhaps you mean 'as well'?
    Then we will go and make more of it right away, and secure more compatible eggs for ourselves in the meantime.
    Remove the comma.
    The woman said her words more as a suggestion than a declaration, and looked like she was secretly hoping to be recognized.
    Remove the comma. And the second half is written strangely to me.
    Okay, here's a tip for the ', and' that you keep putting. By any right, the ', and' is a period; it seperates two complete sentences. If the two halfs could be sentnences on their own, then by all means, keep the ', and' or ', so' or ', but', and so on. However, if the two halves are broken up and one of them cannot be a sentence on its own then must put a conjuntion(and, so, but, yet, etc) without a comma. Does that help?
    They then went in silence to a small landing pad outside, where the Boss’s helicopter awaited to take him back to Headquarters in the western portion of Canalave City, where he governed the entire syndicate.
    Okay, first, remove the comma after outside. Next, split that second where into its own sentence, because this sentence stands now, its a run-on. So yuo should probably break the first sentence after City and the second one should be written "That is where he governed the entire syndicate." or something similar.
    She walked off the landing pad, and let her leader go.
    Remove the comma.
    Dantčs walked down the hall of an opulent mansion that belonged to a younger man, who was a part of the elite ruling class of Canalave City, and the surrounding districts that belonged to the city-state, and even to Sinnoh.
    Fairly sure thats either a run-on or the subject of too many commas.
    In fact, they knew so little the late Dantčs was in fact more of a ghost they managed to bring down than a man.
    ...so little that the late Dantčs...
    Or so that's how looks like it should be.
    To everyone else, he was but a servant here, but in Team Thunder, he was of course an Executive in charge of the operations going on in this sector of Sinnoh.
    Commas around 'of course'.


    All right, there's that. And there's probably more that I missed.


    Anyways, its over all a very good introduction, and it looks like it will be a very good story later on. I'm almost able to guess at the plot by the title and the prologue, but its often not wise for readers do those things, so I'm just going to keep quiet. But keep it up! If done correctly, this can become a very good story.

    I hope to read more~
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Series of unfortunate events, herp. =p
    You get props! :3

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Anyways! The story's beginning is quite interesting, I have to say. Pokemorph/people with Pokemon powers/whatnot is always an idea I've liked reading about (if not done badly at any rate), and the setup so far with it is solid. Admittedly it is a bit worrying given he wants to test the stuff on humans asap, which can surely not go down well. I wonder who ends up taking it, if we get shown that?
    Yeah, the Boss is a reckless individual. Team Thunder will indeed appear later on in the story, but sadly you won't see as many of the people here still alive down the road as before.

    As for who the subject is, that won't be revealed until later on. And don't worry, you'll be shown who gets the goods in the end, and needless to say, it isn't pretty.


    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    The characters are well established too; interesting to read about, and their intereactions are sound. Team Thunder's bunch are an intriguing bunch there, and it's almost a pity some (or all) may not show up again too often given this was set 40 years before the next parts down the track. Scarlet and the young leader in particular are my favourites there.
    Thanks! That was one of the parts I was worried about. Even though their role in this part of the tale is brief, I still wanted to put a concious effort into making them as "real" as possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    The intro giving information on Team Thunder was interesting, but the weaker of the two parts I thought...
    Comma usage was a bit odd at times, especially in the beginning. I am not too sure of the commas being used around 'in Johto' - they do work but it slows down the sentence too much I feel, making the fact it's telling us a fair bit already not that clear as it could be. I also feel the comma after 'of course' is unnecessary, although you could go with an extra one before it instead; 'Their long term goal was, of course, world domination.' sound more natural to me.
    I think you caught a few of my proofreading oversights... Well, nobody's perfect, I suppose. Changes are being made to both the original Word document and here.

    I'm also going back over and rewording a few of the longer sentences so that the wording is stronger and clearer.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    On that note, I'm not sure you really need the 'of course' there - for a pamphlet it sounds like a odd thing to be written in it.
    That's one of the chief parts I ended up changing. The very wording of this entire passage looks more convincing coming out of a high-schooler's textbook than anything else, so I ended up changing that around as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Here there's too many commas extending this near-70-word-long sentence. It's certainly a run-on sentence, and I'd advise splitting it up into a few. You start by talking about what they control, to where said control extends, to how they act (privately, not publically), and then other teams. That's too many topics for just one sentence; keep it to at maximum two (related) topics a sentence, as otherwise you'd just lose the reader.
    I changed the sentence, rewording it for clarity. Thanks for pointing this one out.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    This also felt odd; why is the pamphlet addressing the reader as 'the student' firstly? Why would only students read it, and for that matter why is it a pamphlet? The more I read the more it feels like an extract from a book tbh. As for the commas, something like 'As you, the student, knows well, Team Thunder' would be better but it does make it sound too disjointed, which is another reason some rewording around that part would be something to consider.
    You're actually very right about this part, and I more or less patched it up with a few quick fixes that solve the entire problem for me. The very fact that it DOES look like a text book extract made me want to change the heading even more.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    I'd treat this bit as one sentence rather than two, so use a comma after 'results' and change 'A' to 'a'. Otherwise the second sentences sounds incomplete as-is.
    Fix'd.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Watch for missing quotation marks around the break in speech to tell us her look of concern in the latter part of this quote.

    Also, consider showing just a bit more than telling. Rather than 'she had a genuine look of concern on her face', try describing that look - pursed lips, a frown, etc allows you to describe her more while showing us she is concerned rather than just saying she did.
    Along with fixing the quotation marks, I edited in more descriptive words instead of the mere statement, more to convey the emotion in the conversation than anything else. Otherwise, the mere edition alone would have made the whole exchange look too static.

    I'll be trying to employ this device in the future, since it looks very effective when put together. (You may not see it so much in Chapter One as in Two, as I am already almost done with One.)

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    Overall though it is a decent beginning. Hope this was of help to you, and good luck with the rest of your fic!
    Thanks! I very much appreciate your feedback!
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  5. #5
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    Heh, sorry about the double post to all concerned about it, but Brutaka posted right when I was almost done replying to bobandbill... :P

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Im probably going to say some things that bobandbill already said, but I was just mentioning things I caught. And with that, here I go...

    Your Rating explanation reminds me of Lemony Snicket's books. He often starts like that, or puts things like that on the back cover. In fact, that is the reference, your speaking of, correct?
    Right again! I grew to be very fond of his works, and I couldn't resist the temptation to put something similar in the intro! XD


    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    That sentence just keeps going. And going. And going. Sentences, as a rule, probably shouldn't emulate the Energizer Bunny, lol

    The second 'mainland' is a tad repetitive.
    I got the Great Wall of Sentence fixed. It's a pretty bad habit of mine, and it's hard to break at times...

    And I reworded the other sentence for less monotony.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Like me, you seem to use a lot of commas. Its a habit I'm trying to break, actually. Think of every comma as a pause because that's essentially what they are. It makes your sentences jerky, doesn't it?
    Yeah, it does... Fixed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Again, commas. The one after headquarters shouldn't be there. Also, there should be commas around 'as you now know'.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Remove the comma after installation.
    As was? Perhaps you mean 'as well'?

    Remove the comma.
    Remove the comma. And the second half is written strangely to me.
    Fixing the problems.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Okay, here's a tip for the ', and' that you keep putting. By any right, the ', and' is a period; it seperates two complete sentences. If the two halfs could be sentnences on their own, then by all means, keep the ', and' or ', so' or ', but', and so on. However, if the two halves are broken up and one of them cannot be a sentence on its own then must put a conjuntion(and, so, but, yet, etc) without a comma. Does that help?
    Fixed by changing the tense of the verb.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Okay, first, remove the comma after outside. Next, split that second where into its own sentence, because this sentence stands now, its a run-on. So you should probably break the first sentence after City and the second one should be written "That is where he governed the entire syndicate." or something similar.
    I simply removed the part about governing the syndicate. It was unneeded and I simply did away with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Remove the comma.
    Changed the verb tense instead for flow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Fairly sure thats either a run-on or the subject of too many commas.
    Fixed by taking a chunk out of the sentence and rearranging the rest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    ...so little that the late Dantčs...
    Or so that's how looks like it should be.
    Fixed.


    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    Commas around 'of course'.
    Simply removed the two words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brutaka View Post
    All right, there's that. And there's probably more that I missed.


    Anyways, its over all a very good introduction, and it looks like it will be a very good story later on. I'm almost able to guess at the plot by the title and the prologue, but its often not wise for readers do those things, so I'm just going to keep quiet. But keep it up! If done correctly, this can become a very good story.

    I hope to read more~
    Thanks for the input! I made the changes as mentioned. As for the plot, it might look obvious at first glance, but it will take several rather unexpected turns later down the road.

    Thanks for reading! Chapter One will be up as soon as I am done writing and proofreading!
    Check out my newly-opened Trade Shop!!!
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  6. #6
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    Default Chapter One

        Spoiler:- Rating:


    Alright, as there seem to be no further reviews on the prologue, I'll get this bad boy running.

    This will probably be one of the stranger chapters in the story by far. It's not every day you get to see a boss of a world-class crime syndicate turn out to be no more than an old, broken man.

    This is where I get the ball rolling. I won't put forth any more spoilers, although you might be able to glean a bit more from the author's notes. However, I will remind you that this chapter is also set well into the past. However, things get moving here.

    Hopefully there are fewer grammatical errors than in the last chapter. For those who would like to be added to a PM list or something, just say so on the thread, that way I can get one going.

    Again, reviews are greatly appreciated, and with well over 300 views, I'm sort of saddened to see people not posting comments or reviews. Please take the time to say something, that way I know my works aren't ignored!

    EDIT: You'll also notice that my chapter takes up two posts, as there are more than 55k characters in this original post (limit is 50k). So, the chapter will continue at a good breaking point.

    Thanks, and enjoy the show!

    -----------------------------

        Spoiler:- Author's Notes:


    ===============================

    Chapter One: Military Justice

    Sinnoh, Jubilife City, 38 years ago. Confederate Military Headquarters, Criminal Justice Division

    “Hey Steele, what’s cooking?” Major Adam West popped out from behind a corner, startling his old friend.

    “Ah, not much, just chilling. Hey, I got this weird report about yet another group running around called Team Thunder. Apparently, these people have been raiding science facilities in various parts of the eastern mainland. What do you think of that?” Captain Robert Bruce was a true workaholic. Nothing would ever get in the way of his work, except more work -- present company excluded, of course.

    “Yeah, some people are like that. They think ‘oh, these guys were awesome and did all this cool crap, so let’s steal their name and have at it!’” Adam laughed at his own joke. “Of course, they have at it, and guess what? The police catch them, or we do! Isn’t it fun?” His voice dripped with sarcasm, and he continued chuckling, not knowing how bad his jokes actually were.

    “It’ll all be fun and games until they’re sentenced to hear you sing in front of them.” Not to be outdone, Robert returned fire, expecting an equally smart reply.

    “Yeah, I’ll sing about how your mountain of work was used in an air strike on their base. I won’t forget to yodel about the sheer amount of paper used in the attack swamped their base, and crushed it flat in all the weight!” Adam chuckled at his own poor humor, but he appeared to get suddenly serious. “Dude, you know there’s such a thing as a vacation, right? Don’t you know you have a son coming along? How long is it until he goes to school, eh? You already missed the first three years of his life, dude. Use your vacation time. It exists for a reason, you know!”

    “Who would be there to keep you out of trouble, then?” Robert shot his own comment once again, effectively shutting his friend down for a moment, as he thought of the instability that Canalave had been going through lately, especially with the latest crime wave that had happened within the last year.

    “Dude, I’ll be fine, but your wife always needs the attention. Give her some love -- You know I could show you how if you forgot…” Several people nearby overheard the Major’s innuendo. Naturally, they all scoffed at his crude humor.

    “Alright, you convinced me. Just let me get my stuff in order, all right? I’ve got about fifty different things to do before I’m even able to think about a vacation.” Nathan prepared for yet another meeting, and another mission to a random crime scene. It was a difficult week, but at least it was bearable.

    -------------------------------------------

    “Alright boys, sit down. Let’s dispense with the formalities, because it’s just another run-of-the-mill meeting here. Bruce, you go first, so we can save the remaining 10% of the meeting out for last.” The elderly figure at the end of the table caused a ripple of stifled laughter at his inside joke to come up from the large conference table.

    “Very funny, this stuff has saved some of your lives, I bet.” Robert brought a rather healthy-looking stack of papers to the end of the tale.

    “As long as that paper doesn’t sit on top of me, I think I can live.” Once again, a sarcastic remark erupts from a random officer. When are they going to appreciate my work? Robert sighed at the comment, not even caring to know who said it, not as he ever did -- everyone made fun of him at these meetings.

    “Alright, by the power vested in me as the Commanding Officer, I call this meeting to order. Please be seated, and may God preserve our youth by the end of it.” General Charles Grant knew that he needed to foster a laid-back atmosphere in Headquarters. Sure, it wasn’t all play and other bull, but still, too much stress on work would tire his people out before their time. Besides, it was the Army. These people risked their lives on a daily basis, so the old General cut them some slack, especially in conversations and seemingly unimportant meetings such as these.

    He smirked as more laughs erupted here and there. They all knew the weekly meetings held little to no importance most of the time (and only to few at that), and that they only had any seriousness once every quarter -- and that was when everyone manned up and got serious… Thankfully, today wasn’t one of those quarterly meetings, so most of them could take a breather and relax for a bit -- well, except for Captain Bruce. He was the living definition of a workaholic. He just wouldn’t stop -- even though everyone else cracked jokes every single one of these mock meetings about it.

    “Alright, we got word of a crime wave that’s been hitting Canalave, but that was last week. Police have assured us this week that the situation is not out of control enough that the Army should intervene, so once again we get to kick back and relax as they struggle without backup. Bruce, if you will please take the podium.” Grant returned to his seat at the end of the conference table and made himself very comfortable, knowing that like every other time, he would regret handing control of this meeting to the only person in this room that actually took this crap seriously from start to finish.

    “As we’ve found out earlier, an organization called Team Thunder has arisen in the city of Canalave, and has been responsible for said crime wave lately. I would like to point out that most of the stolen items have included laboratory equipment and a handful of Pokčmon eggs at local daycares. Police have failed to apprehend some of the thieves, all of which were in uniforms shown in the picture here.” Bruce showed a picture that was obviously of a member of said Team Thunder. The uniform was simple. It was black, and in the chest below a jacket had a large lightning bolt-shaped emblem emblazoned onto the center right.

    “As you can see, this time they are better organized than the last time such a group appeared about a year ago, attempting to raid a Pokčmon Center for its smaller Pokčmon. Of course, our forces happened to be nearby at the time, so they swiftly apprehended the criminals. We--” Robert was interrupted by a loud yawn, from none other than his friend. Thankfully, it a harsh look from the General was all it took to get everyone to finally shut up. “We have also sent an investigator to probe the city for any signs of their presence beyond theft, but so far we’ve yet to receive communication from him. Any questions?”

    “Are we dead yet?”

    “Have the police given up hope already?”

    “Do I still look good in my old age?”

    “I wonder if Team Thunder could make their blasted uniform look any better. You’ve got any more pictures?”

    “How long has the investigator been gone?” A Colonel towards the end of the table suddenly came out of the mental absence that was present at nearly every single weekly meeting. Thankfully, he appeared to be taking this one with at least a minute degree of gravity.

    Finally, an actual question! Robert chose to ignore the sarcastic and annoying questions that kept popping up around the table. “We sent him out close to a month ago. He should be reporting his findings by… next week’s meeting, according to my data. If I’m not mistaken, three other agents are also being sent out to investigate the matter, and call for intervention and some backup, should it prove necessary.” Despite all the abuse he had taken within the last five minutes, the Captain still maintained such excellent composure that he might have won a medal for it, if the King happened to be watching this meeting. Fat chance of that, Rob.

    “How about this: Quarterly meeting will be coming up next month, to the day from now. We need results, and so far, we have gotten no more than the police have, because they’re too proud to see out of their own asses in this matter to ask for actual backup. So, let’s jump into it and see if there’s someone competent that we can send, because I smell a rat with this Team Thunder thing. Call it a senior moment boys, but I have a gut feeling that these people may present an actual threat to national security. So, in light of this…” He cast a look around the room, letting the suspense build. “… Who’s in favor of sending none other than our dear Captain Bruce to investigate this heaping pile of crap?”

    He was immensely satisfied that every single hand went up at that table. It was high time they sent the guy back on the field anyway. With a genius IQ, he was not fit for doing all this paperwork and being a poster boy anyway. Time to put you where you belong, boy.

    “Alright, Captain Bruce, your orders are to personally investigate this stuff. Bring your team of Pokčmon along, cause I’m willing to bet that they’re dying for some action, and they’re not getting any except with the ladies here in town.” A chorus of laughter from around the table interrupted him. “Listen carefully. Take any actions necessary to stop the criminal activity and to shut down or at least **** up whatever it is they are doing. If stuff worsens, radio Headquarters Emergency only, with the code Alpha-Charlie-Bravo. Tell them you need help, and it will come faster than they can pray to God that it will end quickly for them. Any questions?” Things suddenly got serious, and everyone knew it. When the old General was in one of these moods, a joke would be in very bad taste here.

    “When should I depart?” Robert had that same composed look, looking like nothing had happened at all. Finally, I can get away from this place. I didn’t join the Army to sit around waiting on the police to scream for mommy before actually helping my country out.

    “Yes, as soon as this meeting is over with. Remember, I want a report on what happened, even if backup is called for and they shut it all down. Are there any more things to discuss?” General Grant got comfortable again, hoping that the Captain would hurry up with things for once.

    The meeting was over in an amazing five minutes, and this time he was actually NOT boring the crap out of everyone. Amazing what a good bit of motivation can do for the men. The General adjourned the meeting as usual, and dismissed everyone but Bruce.

    “Hey, I need to debrief you on the rest of the situation. Remember that this is classified. Remember the gaps that you failed to fill while you were rattling off that speech of yours?” The General only waited for an affirmative nod before continuing. “I need you to specifically target a laboratory they are building -- it‘s marked on the map I‘m giving you. I have gotten intelligence from High Command that there are experiments being carried out by an unknown organization, and I think they have got ties to this bull going on in Canalave lately. I want you to investigate this location thoroughly, and give us an exact account of what the hell is going on here.”

    The General looked at the Captain in the eye. “You’re to only investigate the situation. You are to do absolutely nothing unless you they rat you out. If you are, you are to immediately radio Headquarters for backup and then proceed as you think best. If that means having a Pokčmon battle with their leader and then poking his left eye out upon victory, I authorize you to do it. Remember, you are to blend in, get intelligence, and then get the hell out. We want to know what’s in there before we trash it, so that we know what and who to target next. If it is an experiment, be sure to steal it if you can. Otherwise, do absolutely nothing other than watch and learn, unless either we tell you to, or they discover you. If you don’t have any questions, you’re dismissed.”

    ==========================================
    Sinnoh, 38 years ago (six months afterwards), Team Thunder laboratory, in the Sinjoh Mountains. Exact location -- uncharted.

    A month had come and gone, and Robert sent the report to Headquarters. It was not easy to get into this facility in the first place, but Robert had -- yet, it took most of the month he had simply to infiltrate the base. By this time, he had found out from High Command that this organization was a real threat to national security, and his orders were altered. Instead of merely finding out quickly what was there, he was to penetrate their organization and find key weaknesses in their chain of command, or their most important operations, and then exploit them.

    This so-called Team Thunder had apparently turned out to be the real deal, and from what he was gathering in the laboratory that he had painstakingly broken into, this was important to them for some reason. However, these people were smart in the fact that they had specialists everywhere that knew only what it was that they were doing.

    They knew it was a lab, and they knew that they were experimenting on something big, but the thing was that hardly any of them knew anything of what the person next to him was doing. As the newly appointed Secret Service agent found out, the experimentations were of paramount importance to this organization. What they were though, he repeatedly failed to discover. However, he did manage to blend in, thanks to his widely varying knowledge of the things the superiors there had him research, or perform.

    As the months went by, he was able to move from place to place, slowly putting the pieces together on what it was he and everyone else here were actually doing. Eventually, he found a part of the grand scheme of the experiment. It had to do with genetics, and they were making something having to do with enhancing the traits of something. Who or what the subject was, though, he had no idea. This Team Thunder was excellent at keeping secrets, and this was their biggest one, by the looks of it.

    Now and then, there were random investigations done, reportedly by the person in charge of the entire organization, to rat out spies. One or two from different agencies were indeed found, and Robert hadn’t even known of those people -- which was a good thing for him, from the interrogations he heard about from whispers from the scientists within the huge compound. What happened to those they found out was never heard, but Robert knew that it must have been painful.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One day, he was doing work with a group of other people into the genetic properties associated with certain alterations of a species that none of them even knew. The organization’s leader chose that day to make another surprise visit. He simply strode into the area in a lab coat, accompanied by a young woman and an old man, both of who were obviously important in this syndicate.

    “Good work people.” A young man in his mid-to-late-twenties appeared rather suddenly in the area, and he looked like he was in a very good mood. “Soon your work will bring glory to us all. Hey, you there.” The young man pointed to Robert, specifically.

    There was no denying it, they ratted him out. He slowly and cautiously approached the apparent leader, who suddenly gave him a rough embrace. “It’s people like you that make our work possible in the first place. I have heard of your long and hard work here, and I have decided to promote you. Welcome to the fold. What’s your name again?”

    “John Kislev, sir.” Robert used the exact same alias that he had been using in the last half-year so often that it seemed more often than not these days to be his real name, rather than a fake. He looked at the young leader in the eye, knowing deep within that he was making a mistake promoting a saboteur.

    “Where do you come from? I haven’t met a lot of people with that sort of name around these parts.” The person presumably known as the Boss -- as Robert knew him to be known by with the other scientists -- grinned widely, appearing to be very friendly with everyone around him.

    “Unova, sir. I grew up in Nimbasa City.” Robert lied again, but he was an excellent liar -- and this was a good lie, because his father grew up in that place. Robert himself grew up in Oreburgh.

    “So, why’d you come to Sinnoh and join us? It’s a long way from Unova from here.” The Boss raised an eyebrow.

    “I was a poor man, and Nimbasa just wasn’t my cup of tea. I figured that a fresh start in Sinnoh would be good for me, but that was not the case, and I could not afford to move back. When I took to petty theft (which insulted my intellect), I found out rumors of a powerful organization. Eventually, I found you guys, and joined at the first opportunity. I did not want to live my whole life, and exist as a mediocre person. I wanted to make a difference.” Which, of course, he did. Robert smiled. He was telling the exact story his father had told his son as a child, minus the whole criminal activity thing.

    “Well said. Fred, why don’t you take over? I’m promoting this guy, and he needs to know all there is to his new station here. I don’t doubt that he will go far. Don’t you agree, John?” The Boss grinned.

    Robert nodded. I’ll go far, indeed. Far away from here, once I meet my goal…

    “I’m Executive Officer Fredrick. That’s all you need to know me as. You’re like me, young man. I wanted to make a difference as well.” The old man’s gentle expression held an extremely subtle hint of sadness -- was it regret?

    “The Boss is very good at picking out talent, and he sees a lot in you, from what he’s told me. You’ll answer to me, and nobody else other than the Boss. Am I clear?” The old man’s fatherly expression was slightly stern, but held little hostility in it.

    “Yes, sir.” Robert had few words to speak other than questions. Who was this man? Why was he here? He obviously wasn’t a hardened criminal, so why was he working for one, especially one like the Boss?

    “I see you’ve got a lot that needs to be filled in. Come with me, where we can have a private chat.” The Executive led him directly out of the room, signaling him to leave behind his paperwork. “You won’t need such petty documents where you’re going.” He said nothing more, but instead led Robert through a labyrinth of corridors out of the room.

    They both entered a chamber with a lot of equipment, but no people in it, except the two of them. Frederick closed the door, and seemed to survey the room before deactivating several pieces of equipment, and turning on others.

    “Now that the surveillance equipment is all cut off, we can speak candidly to each other about this stuff you’re now in.” The old man looked at Robert in the eye, with an expression that almost demanded some sort of response.

    “So, what’s this room for?” Robert was curious as to why the Executive Officer would pull him into a seemingly abandoned room in the compound and disable all the cameras just to chat.

    “It used to be a room used to test various genetic therapy compounds for fully-grown Pokčmon. It was decommissioned along with most of the equipment here when the experiments proved to be a rather universal failure. But, this room also serves now as a private spot for me to come to when I need something done for myself, or for me to simply get away from it all.” The old man’s face belonged to a man who seemed to have gone through plenty of things he regretted.

    “Your name isn’t John Kislev, is it? Don’t worry, I won’t rat you out. I’m not the one that does it anyway. I don’t want to see yet another innocent man die for this poor excuse of a cause.” The old man looked at Robert in the eye.

    The agent was now officially paranoid. He knew something was up when that old man laid eyes on him. He knew the other two didn’t seem to suspect a thing -- much less the Boss, who obviously liked him. This old man though, he saw right through his soul, the way he looked at him. “What do you plan to do to me, then?”

    “Nothing at all. Every man chooses his destiny when he chooses the path he walks. You’re not what you said you were, but nonetheless you’re a good man. I don’t like seeing good men fall to evil, especially the one that has plagued this team since Day One. When you rise to the top like I have, do not let yourself be corrupted by the power you will get. I’ve said this to a number of people I’ve seen promoted, and almost every one of them has let their newfound power corrupt them in spite.” The old Executive held many regrets, by the expression in his face.

    “Realize that not everything a person in a criminal organization does is criminal. In my case, I’ve done a lot in my youth that I regret with the deepest parts of my soul. After I realized the extent of the damage I’d done, I realized that there was no turning back from what I’d become, so I stayed here in hopes that one day, Team Thunder would be the good thing it was back in the day… I was wrong.” The old man looked at Robert in the eye.

    “Many of the scientists you worked with are here because they had nowhere else to go. You’re not one of those people. I’ve lived a long time, and I can tell who’s real and who’s not. You’re not a criminal, I can tell. No, you’re used to fighting it. You’re an obvious honest guy. The Boss (as you know him) saw it, but didn’t see past that. So, he promoted you instead of having that woman rat you out… And she’s good at ratting people out.” The old man grinned, and Robert made for the door, which was locked.

    “It’s no use to escape, nor to attack me. If you try out either of those two options you’ll end up dead just like the other sixteen people that managed to get in here, and the other ones who failed doing even that. Work with me and you’ll get through this.” The old man’s face held no expression this time.

    There was a long pause. “Why are you doing this?” Robert asked slowly. He feared for his life, something he was no longer used to doing. In all his career, he was in control. Now, he was at the mercy of an old and very skilled criminal who (for some very strange reason) wanted to actually help him.

    “I want one thing: redemption. I’ve spent fifty years looking for it, but I’ve not found it. If I turned myself into the police, I’d only find death or life in a prison at the hands of the police, so I chose to stay here and attempt to make a difference in my own way.” The old man smiled.

    “Looks like things haven’t gone your way.” Robert was treading on a rope right now. If he slipped once, he’d fall to his doom.

    “No, they haven’t. You’re the first person I’ve seen in years who’s honest enough for me to talk to like this. Help me make a difference. Help me make this something a man can be proud to be a part of.” Frederick obviously showed desperation. Was it some innovative interrogation technique? If so, it was pretty damned effective. If it wasn’t, it was a great opportunity.

    Either way, Robert knew he was history if he walked out of the room with a bad answer. He chose the truth. “From what I heard from the outside, Team Thunder is pretty much set in its ways… I didn’t join to be a part of it. I think you’re about the only guy I can tell this to.” There, I said it. Now I’m either a dead man or on the brink of success… Please Arceus, be the latter.

    “You’re from the police, aren’t you?” Frederick stood erect, his hand straying to his sidearm.

    “No, not the police, I’m from the Army… And if you want to kill me, I’d rather you do it right here and now. I prefer not to have to be put through death by torture.” Robert knew he’d failed, and that it was no use begging for his life, because it’d end anyway if the other man spared it, only for interrogation. Then he’d die, but slowly.

    His life flashed before his eyes when he saw the old man’s hand instead go away from the sidearm. “So you’re convinced that these people won’t change, and that Team Thunder is just another run-of-the-mill crime syndicate?”

    “In essence, yes. I’ve seen the reports -- hell, I write them. There is nothing but violence going on in the streets. There are thefts, robberies, murders, and more going on because of Team Thunder. I know personally that there is almost no good deed being done on the streets as far as I know.” Robert knew he had won when he saw the old man’s composition break.

    However, he swiftly recovered it. “Well, you win. Do what you must, and then get out. The experiments are in their latter stages, and it’s my duty to tell all promoted personnel what they are, and what they’re assigned to oversee. Your team of Pokčmon is still with you, I presume?” The old man looked at Robert.

    “Yes, sir.” They were stepping out of the room and back into the hallways as Frederick returned the state of the room back to the way it was in before they had entered it.

    “Be sure to use them only if necessary. They may be out any time you desire, though, but obey the signs! Unless an intruder has his own team, your Pokčmon are only permitted in certain areas of the building. Now, I will show you what you’re going to oversee.” The Executive led Robert down yet another maze of corridors, stairs, elevators, and various locked doors.

    Just before they entered the room, the old man turned towards Robert, and whispered to him. “We must never be seen together again. Remember, do what I could not, and make a difference… And pray that I find redemption.” He suddenly turned up his voice’s volume to a normal level. “This is the heart of the compound. Here, we are simply doing maintenance on the parts of our experiments that are working. Our job here is to keep the subject alive, because we’ve only got one. If we lose it, we’re all toast.”

    Mutters came up around the room, mostly agreeing with what their superior just said, but they stopped as he continued. “This is John Kislev, and he recently got promoted to work in this part of the lab. Treat him as a comrade and do not fail to share whatever is needed with this man. He has my full support, so if I find out that he’s not being given a warm welcome, you’re a goner. Carry on, and good luck with the proceedings.”

    The old man walked out, making more haste than he normally would.

    ======================
    Last edited by Cosmic Fury; 20th August 2012 at 8:53 PM. Reason: Chapter continues in the post below!

  7. #7
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    Default

    One month later, same location.

    This part of the compound was indeed isolated. Nothing came out of it except for things extremely necessary, and nothing went in except for materials and papers with information on them. He truly was cut off from the outside world, except for stuff having to do with this criminal organization.

    The laboratory itself was incredibly complex, and Robert saw a few internal weaknesses he could exploit to make a getaway. In the very center of the laboratory room was a strong box of sorts, that contained the most paramount of all of the experiments in all the compound, as he had learned. Almost obviously, the box was actually a stasis unit containing an egg, placed in suspended animation.

    The experiments were not necessarily on the Pokčmon itself, but it provided the priceless material needed for some drug meant for human consumption, likely through injection. Obviously this Pokčmon embryo inside was the extremely successful product of one of Team Thunder’s greatest achievements… And it was clearly Robert’s job as the only member of the Army to have successful infiltrated the compound to steal it.

    The main debate raging in his mind was over what they were making, and what the purpose of it was going to be. Team Thunder security was intricate, elaborate, and extremely effective. If they came out with a breakthrough, only the higher-ups would know for sure, and Robert knew it could potentially take years to infiltrate their High Command. No, better quit when I’m ahead and holding the prize I’m after in the first place.

    And that prize lay right in the center of that room, in the stasis chamber. And he had been taken to it by an old and broken man wanting desperately for redemption… And it was time that Robert paid for the near-extreme gift that he’d been given. Without Frederick, he would never have gotten this close to his goal, which was at all times less than twenty feet away from him, other than when experimentations paused for those two hours during the day for security maintenance… And it was upon learning of that main weakness that Robert began building a plan.

    ================================================== ==

    One week later, in the depths of the same Team Thunder compound

    Robert had managed to slip past security, under pretense of a need for fresh air, which went by relatively unnoticed for two reasons: first, he was a superior officer who wouldn‘t take no for an answer, and second, because it was extremely late and nobody really gave a crap this time of the month. Once he was outside for the allotted ten minutes alone, he was able to patch a radio call to Headquarters. He reported everything he had seen, compacting his information to allow room to call in an air strike at a designated time -- three hours from that moment. Everything was rapidly falling into place, and even if his own personal plan of stealing the unknown Pokčmon from the lab failed, the lab itself would be damaged beyond repair.

    It took nearly half an hour to simply get to the heart of the laboratory. No direct routes existed, for security reasons more than just to annoy the scientists there. This time though, security failed to meet its mark, and it would be the doom of all of the people in there that weren’t protected from the main target of the air strike, which was the coordinates that Robert had sent -- which pointed right at the place he was robbing.

    By now though, Robert knew the inner workings of the lab well enough to make an effective escape with his precious cargo. He had made it in time for the security maintenance to shut down itself for almost two hours in the innermost parts of the lab, while only essential equipment remained running constantly.

    This was the best time to get things rolling. Under guise of an emergency maintenance, he had emptied the innermost chambers of the laboratory so that he could stabilize things without interference. Then, he began his act of sabotage. Calling out his Dragonite for the first time in a while, he greeted his old friend warmly, then got down to business.

    “Alright, it’s time. We’re breaking into that thing and plundering its contents.” Robert pointed to the box while looking the dragon in the eye.

    “It’s about bloody time too! You know that I’ve been bored as hell in that Pokčball, right? I know it’s a stasis capsule in itself, but time does march on!” Dragonite fumed, directing his momentary anger at Robert.

    “This place is going to get hit by a few bombs in a couple hours. We haven’t got much time left.” Robert looked at the watch on his wrist, calibrated to count down to the second that the strike was estimated to take place at. It showed at 02:35:34 and counting.

    “Alright, so we steal this crap. Then what the hell do we do?” The irritable Dragonite was always inclined to swear, especially at this time of night. However, with all of their lives literally on the line, he knew that he had to tone it down… just a little bit.

    “We make a bit of noise on our way out, preferably. We’re going to inevitably be noticed, so let’s make ourselves look intimidating.” He pulled out another Pokčball. “Alright Machamp, why don’t you help us out with this one?”

    He pointed at the box, and continued. “We need to steal the Pokčmon in there. It’s an embryo in its egg, so we need to be extra-careful, as experiments may have enfeebled the eggshell. We don’t want unnecessary blood on our hands.

    While the Machamp began prying the thing open, Robert contemplated a means of getting out of the facility, and pulled out another Pokčball. “Nidoking, we need some help here. Can you tell us how to get ourselves out of here while NOT breaking this egg here?”

    He pointed at the box that the Machamp had just pried open, revealing a small tank along with a lot of wires, running in and out of it. The Nidoking looking the same way, he simply turned his intelligent eyes back towards Robert, a look of dejection in his face. “It’s a bit sad that all this time you’ve not asked me for help until now, as you usually do.”

    “Sorry about that, but I had to keep an extremely low profile here until now. Trust me, it was hard being without you guys.” He meant every word of it, and he knew that the Nidoking would notice that.

    After Robert briefed the genius Pokčmon about the situation, the Nidoking scratched his chin, a habit he had picked up over the years from humans. “Alright, here’s what to do -- Machamp, just bust the thing open. We’re not keeping the egg in stasis. Just pry it open and carefully extract the egg. No, hold it -- Dragonite, when Machamp breaks that seal open, just pull the egg out carefully. None of us want that thing damaged, if that thing’s as important as it appears to be.”

    Nidoking turned over towards Robert. “I’ve got another idea. Have Tyranitar clog all of the air ways behind us with his Sand Stream. While the lab is trying to decontaminate itself and the people inside this place are still fighting all the sand trying to get to us, we can make an easier getaway.” It was a brilliant plan, concocted by a brilliant mind.

    “Good idea. The security and decontamination systems are supposed to seal up overly contaminated chambers, so we can have him throw up sand as we pass by. We can significantly slow down pursuers that way.” Robert called out Tyranitar, and left Nidoking to explain the immature Pokčmon’s role in the plan to him as Dragonite and Machamp finally finished extracting the egg.

    “Alright, we’ve burned ten minutes just wasting time here. We need to move it!” Handing the egg to Robert, the Dragonite swiftly made his way to the front, scouting out for any signs of unwanted scientists. Here, Pokčmon were allowed in the corridors, by people of his rank. Nobody would object to their presence, especially at this time of night.

    As they went forward, the Tyranitar kicked up sand and said down his Stealth Rocks, upon the veteran prankster’s suggestion -- a rare moment of genius on his part. As he was excitedly describing a funny Oshawott-shaped stone that he had left in one of the sealed-up corridors behind them, they were interrupted by another scientist discovering them, but in time as the door slammed shut. Only minute amounts of sand were in the section of the hall that they were in.

    “What are you doing here this late at night, and why are your Pokčmon out?” The low-ranking scientist demanded an answer, and he would get one -- even if Robert outranked him.

    “I was on a routine run, transferring classified objects. As for my Pokčmon, they wanted some room to stretch their weary limbs. Besides, their added protection is unparalleled, even in a place such as this. Now, I need to get this thing over to where it belongs. It’s a perishable item, and the more time I waste on you, the closer this thing is to spoiling.” Robert’s face held a mockingly neutral and almost haughty expression.

    “What is it you’re carrying?” The scientist didn’t budge. He wasn’t buying it.

    “This is a complex organic sample, and is very important. That is even more than I am authorized to tell you. Now, if you don’t step aside and let me pass, I will prove to the rest of the people in this facility how expendable you really are.” Robert’s eyes took on a fire that even he was surprised he could summon, and he watched the scientist reluctantly back down and head down another corridor, thankfully other than the one that had sealed itself shut from the loose sand particles in the air. Damn, that was too close.

    “Alright, let’s double-time it to the exit. Our will be delivered sometime soon, and we’ve got to get out precious cargo safely where it belongs.” Robert increased his pace, as did the Tyranitar, who had been depositing more floating rocks as well as sand behind him. The added Stealth Rocks along with the sand would provide them with an extra layer of protection from pursuers.

    Five minutes later, the alarms went off, but the sand was starting to do its damage, as more and more of it managed to either seal off extra corridors, or get into the main air circulation system and disrupt the flow of the sterilized network of laboratories within the compound. It would take about another hour for it to sufficiently grind a few of the compound’s intricate systems to a halt, which would trigger an emergency shutdown of much of the equipment. All according to plan.

    What they didn’t plan on was the small group of scientists who managed to pack their own Pokčmon. Thankfully, they were sufficiently weak. Dragonite didn’t even need orders, as he set to work eliminating three Rattatas, four Koffings, and a Magneton with several of its well-placed Extremespeeds and an Outrage attack -- all while insulting them the whole time. After the Dragonite finished his rampage, Robert handed the fatigued dragon a Persim berry, which at least cleared up his disorientation from his own over-powered attacks.

    However, that wasn’t the last of it, as there were a large number of pursuers coming at them. Nathan, suddenly having an idea, recalled Machamp and Nidoking, and motioned towards Tyranitar to stay well in the back of everything. Right then, he brought his Swampert out of a Pokčball. “Alright, here’s the plan. Swampert, how much water can you summon with Surf, right here, right now?”

    “It can send half this place to hell. Why?” The extremely excitable Pokčmon responded enthusiastically, flashing an over-large grin at everyone.

    “Good. Dragonite, how powerful is your best Thunder attack?”

    “You’re kidding, right? It can vaporize half the Pokčmon those damn losers have got!” Dragonite was getting almost excited as the Swampert -- a true accomplishment, indeed.

    “Alright, I want you two to hit the areas right in front of us with your most powerful Hydro Pump and Thunder. Make sure that everything is sent to hell in each direction. Tyranitar, get your rocks and throw them at these people.”

    “That sounds totally wrong. You’re one major --” Tyranitar was cut off by Rob.

    “Less talk, more rocks! Ready to fire in three… two… one…” Robert timed the shots for when the enemy called out their Pokčmon. With Tyranitar’s Stealth Rocks already all over the place in front of the enemy, the enemy Pokčmon were being hurt even as they emerged from their Pokčballs. “FIRE!!!!” His strong voice sounded right down the hall.

    One of the enemy Rattatas audibly swore profusely above the resulting clamor of panic, as the Hydro Pump smashed right into him head-on, followed by a powerful Thunder attack. The rodent didn’t stand a chance as it was blasted to the far end of the hall they were in. Shortly afterwards, the excessive amount of water from the overly-powerful Hydro Pump got all over the place, and the massive Thunder attack, purposefully mingled in with the water, sending a powerful surge of electricity through it.

    Everything that didn’t levitate was devastated by the electricity, which included several Koffings, a Weezing, and a Murkrow that was shivering almost uncontrollably in front of such overwhelming odds. “We’re gonna burn in hell…” It kept muttering to itself in human speech, in the voice of its scientist trainer, who kept telling it to shut the hell up.

    “You’re all my bitches now!” The Dragonite nearly screamed at the opponents. Before Robert could restrain the massive Dragon, he had already struck the Murkrow with another very powerful Thunder attack, depleting all of the energy he had left for that move, all in that one spiteful attack.

    “Calm down!” Robert didn’t have time to recall the excessively violent dragon, but it moved too fast now. Dragonite was already among the enemy, proving what he had just yelled at them. With one well-placed Extremespeed, he slammed into two of the Koffings in one move, causing the lighter-than-air Pokčmon’s bodies to nearly rupture as they fainted. He grabbed a third Koffing, and hurled it with all of his might at the Weezing. The Koffing fainted from the sheer violence of the attack, but the Weezing held its ground with almost extreme tenacity. The remaining Koffing scattered in panic when they saw that their trainers lay dead, wounded, or otherwise paralyzed in the electrified water.

    The Weezing threw a Sludge Bomb at the Dragonite, which only threw the dragon into an intense state of rage. By this point, both Pokčmon were beyond hope. Dragonite was about to utterly destroy the Weezing in a fit of extreme rage, and the Weezing was almost paralyzed with fear, more out of the fact that the angry dragon managed to survive that powerful attack, much less enter its now-extreme fury.

    Just as the Weezing started fervently cursing the horribly unattractive gods it normally prayed to for giving his poor self this extremely bad lot in life, the Dragonite reached his target, and the resulting encounter wasn’t pretty. The dragon, using all of his immense strength, violently grabbed the hapless Weezing and then started slamming them both into the wall repeatedly. While both the raging Dragonite and the helpless Weezing swore profusely, screamed, and roared with both anger and pain, their captive audience looked helplessly in horror as the Weezing was smashed into something less than a pulp in the matter of about twenty seconds. As Robert started cursing at the horrible delay in time, the Dragonite finished his rampage, having been severely hurt in the process from his own recklessness. The muscular dragon stopped not because he beat the Weezing to within an inch of its life, but over the fact that he was too damn tired to continue with his over-extended Outrage attack.

    “That’s called Dragon Rage, bitches. Don‘t you ever forget it, because if you do...” With his all-important declaration unfinished, he collapsed into the water from sheer exhaustion, and was electrocuted by his own excessive attack.

    Robert immediately tried to recall Dragonite back into its powerful Pokčball, but he failed. It only meant one thing: Dragonite was dead. Robert’s silent weeping was more fearsome than the raging Dragonite to the reinforcements, most of whom were severely hurt by the electrified water, that flowed with the slight incline that ran their way down the hall. He ruefully reflected that the dragon’s last act was to beat the crap out of someone then insult them before finally going out, which was in fact his openly expressed death wish, every now and then.

    The part that made Robert furious at the loss of his old friend was that the Dragonite planned to do it when he was about to die of old age… Not this way. Not this way! All of the team’s grief was immense, so much so that it vastly drowned out any anger that any of them could have felt at their old friend’s usual rash actions -- after all, it was second nature to him.

    ------------------------------------

    As the water subsided, Robert rode on Nidoking’s back to avoid getting electrocuted by the now-electrified floor, which was made of conductive metal. They would all sorely miss the brash dragon who loved to curse, drink, and break both the rules and his enemies‘ egos. But now was not the time for grief. They all had to move on, or else they would be killed along with Dragonite -- and stronger pursuers would by now be swiftly closing in on the lot of them.

    Overcome by grief, even the Tyranitar didn’t even crack a joke, even a dirty one. He noticed that one of the stealth rocks he was placing along the corridor was shaped like a perverted version of Nidoking, but he hadn’t enough enthusiasm to aggravate his friend over it. So, he plodded along, aimlessly kicking up sand and rocks behind them as they made their way through the corridors. He couldn’t speak to Swampert, as he’d been swiftly recalled into his Pokčball before he could make too much of a scene after Dragonite’s sudden demise.

    Robert decided that next time they met a group of Team Thunder people, they would try the same effective plan, but this time with Nidoking using Thunderbolt on the water. However, they surprisingly didn’t meet any, and they reached one of the outer walls of the compound. Without showing any emotion, he sent out Typhlosion from its Pokčball.

    “Alright, we need to get through that wall, preferably by burning it down. I want to create a disturbance as we leave.” Robert kept his words short and to the point, not letting his voice falter. Inside its Pokčball, Typhlosion knew exactly what happened, and as usual remained as silent as the grave.

    Without speaking a word, Typhlosion turned to face the wall. He knew that excessive force was needed. His deeply seated anger over Dragonite’s death fueled his rage as he summoned his most powerful attack on the wall: Blast Burn. Using all of his power, he practically blasted a huge hole in the wall, and then turned and expended the rest of the flames away from the rest of his party, and down one side of the hall, which promptly caught fire. Holding a thumb up, he signaled that his work was done -- however, due to the forceful nature of his attack, he couldn’t be recalled, never mind fight anyone.

    Right then, as he stepped to the side, more people came -- lots of them. A woman headed the squad of security guards, every one of which sported an impressive array of powerhouses just waiting to tear them all to shreds. “Well, what’s the hurry? I thought we would have had time to get to know each other, but apparently you were in such a rush to get away from this fine company that you even left a Dragonite behind you. Shame on you for doing that.” She spoke mockingly, and wore a smile on her face that Robert instantly wanted to tear off.

    There was no question about it. Either they would escape, or they would die. Robert sent out both Swampert and Machamp, who were both equally enraged at the people who wanted to inflict this pain with such abandon. However, Nidoking turned towards Robert. “I’m afraid that this time, we don‘t have a getaway car.”

    His calm eyes failed to convince the agent, so he spoke again. “We cannot get away, and they took the time to summon too many people for us to win against this time. If they capture us, we all die with our intelligence. If we cover your escape, we can at least cut our losses… It was a good run, and we all enjoyed it. Personally, I would have done it again, if someone gave me another chance.” The Nidoking showed a rare smile.

    Suddenly gripped with a desperate idea, Robert turned towards Typhlosion. “Take the package and run. Run as fast and far as you can, and no matter who they are, don‘t let them find you. Go!” Without waiting for the Typhlosion to react, he impressed the urgency on him, and shoved the package into his Pokčmon‘s arms. Still recovering from the attacked he had launched at the wall, the Typhlosion knew he was useless, unless he obeyed and carried out this last mission.

    Nodding with sadness and intense grief, the Fire-type Pokčmon took the package and ran, having no time to say his own good-bye . Growing tired of their stalling, the enemies all grew tired at the general stalling, and rushed at the gaping hole in the wall, going after their prize. He didn’t watch the last stand of Robert Bruce and the valiant three Pokčmon remaining to his team of five. Hearing the taunts, screams, and shouts of warring humans and Pokčmon, he ran faster into the bitter cold of the mountains with the precious egg.

    Ten minutes into his mad rush to get away, Typhlosion heard voices emerging from the building, and he knew in his heart that Robert had lost the battle, and that he and every one of his comrades that he left behind were surely dead. His thoughts were interrupted by the distant droning of dozens of vessels as they made for the compound, bombing the place. However, they were unmarked, and in his intense sorrow and grief, he didn’t trust even them in his last desperate mission…

    He rushed out to the mountainous, snowy expanse that awaited the Fire-type Pokčmon. He knew that he could endure a lot more now that his special energy was almost restored, but he knew he wouldn’t last forever. Just as his now-dead friends had instructed, he protected the precious package from everyone -- even those who had hit the compound with the air strike.

    Driven to the point of insanity by grief and fatigue, he wandered all through the night and the next day, into the mountains, where the Typhlosion quickly lost his way.

    ===============================

    He had been wandering in the mountains for a week, and had totally evaded any search parties, none of which he even saw signs of. He encountered no signs of civilization, and new nothing of where he was, or how to get himself out of his present situation. The harsh blizzard obscured everything in a vast coat of white, and even the weak winter sun was totally blocked from view. Whatever direction the desperate and grieving Typhlosion turned to, it only got colder and colder… His inner fire was beginning to wear down as well as his body, and he wasn’t going to last long.

    The main thing that kept the Typhlosion alive was the final mission he was ordered to carry out: take the package and run. He wanted so desperately to drop it off at a hospitable place at the very least, before he tried to piece his life back together -- if he managed to survive this ordeal. He looked once again inside the special case. The egg was obviously brand-new, and wouldn’t hatch for several more weeks. He had to get it to safety before it went bad, and the blood of this unborn Pokčmon would truly destroy him if he got it on his hands…

    He eventually saw what seem to be a house that was well-placed by its builders in the mountainside he was on. He rushed up to it, and found that it was merely a ruined shack. He didn’t bother to rest, not in this cold. He knew he wouldn’t last long, even under that shack, never mind the egg, well-stored as it was. He ended up simply passing it by, coming up over a ledge to see a town that was nestled in a snow-covered valley. By this point, he was beyond the point of caring about pursuers, which were undoubtedly plagued with their own problems, with the air strike and all. He entered the town, looking not for a safe place for him, but for the thing he carried.

    It would be a testament to his skills to hide the thing far away from anything that might harm it, when he left whatever the egg was in a house that would care well for it. Going down into the town, he eventually found an area meant for human habitation. Selecting a house that appeared to be well-tended, he randomly set the egg -- package and all, on the front porch. Before leaving, he used his claw to scratch a message onto the metallic lid of the package. He then left, with several dulled and broken claws, to find shelter of his own, doubting that the owners would welcome a Pokčmon such as himself into their household.

    As he trudged away from the now-obscured dwelling, he reflected upon the course of his somewhat long life. He remembered all of the victories and trials that he, Robert, and his fellow Pokčmon had gone through in their more than twenty years together, even after losing Braviary in a daring mission. They had carried on, in spite of the grief that wore down over time, until the moment all of his friends died trying to escape.

    The fact filled him with even more grief, and this time he couldn‘t pull himself through it. Why hadn’t he gone down back in that corridor? Why had Robert chosen to sacrifice himself instead of taking the egg and running like the rest? Why had he not gone down instead with all of his friends, instead of being ordered to run, when he heard his only friends dying as he fled? He didn’t know the answers, only the fact that he had escaped with the cleverly-packaged egg in his hands -- an egg that had cost him everything he held dear to get out of that place. Now, it was no longer in his hands. Instead, it was in the hands of whoever’s house he left it at.

    Although not a religious Pokčmon, he found himself silently saying a fervent prayer to Arceus that whatever it was in that egg had been left at a good home, with good people. Consoled by the fact that the egg was at least a bit safer, he silently trudged off for another hour to find some shelter for himself. Having delivered all that had kept him going into the hands of someone else though, his spirit finally broke, extinguishing his inner fire. Having lost the will to live without his dear friends, he wandered aimlessly until he finally dropped.

    Uttering one last prayer to Arceus to bless whatever it was that cost the lives all of his dear comrades, he collapsed in a random, snow-covered alley, far away from home, far away from everything he had left behind.
    Last edited by Cosmic Fury; 19th August 2012 at 7:33 AM. Reason: edited in italics and *cough* other words *cough*
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