Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region (PG)

**~~lucypendrix~~** · 27th January 2013, 4:37 PM

ok so here's my review for chapters 1 2 and 3

Chapter 1 - the idea that starter Pokemon eventually ran out always appealed to me, like they have to run out eventually right? But I think this was an easy way for you to give Jay an Eevee, which of course isn't a problem as its probably the most balanced Pokemon for him to have as a starter. The introduction of Alexis was what I wanted to see for our villain (I'm assuming she is) she's ruthless, she seems empowering and her signature Pokemon is Skarmory, couldn't be any better tbh. Oh and! She's an art thief? This was interesting as you've already stated a specialty of hers, I'm interested to see where that goes.
Blossom was a lovely character in my eyes, even though you could of elaborated more on her description I could actually picture her very well.

Chapter 2 - Eevee and jay seem to have bonded really well which was expected, but Clarissa and Gastly are a much better combination! I feel there personalitys are 100% in sync already, she also seems to be arrogant which is nice for a rival ya know I'm sick of all these friendly rivals. I'm interested to see if they will forever not like each other or they will eventually be best friends.

Chapter 3 - so that's what the bright light was! Magby is so cute and a nice capture you can already tell it's had issues which is nice (well not really nice haha) but good for development and stuff. Martius was brilliant the description here was wonderful he was so vivid and full of character. So many nice touches. It was obvious jay wouldn't have a chance against martius so him and Eevee running was wise. So far your best chapter!

**LadyLady** · 27th January 2013, 7:46 PM

Aw that's so nice of jackk, thank you so much lucypendrix

this is a more smaller chapter than usual but enjoy anyway

__________________________________________________ _________________________________

Chapter 17; A Creeping Creature

Murdock tugged on his scruffy rucksack with both of his pale hands, he was nervously watching the rough ragged pavement of Terrafirma as he walked along side his friend, Jay. Jay was oblivious to what Murdock was noticing, he knew something was odd as soon as they left paragon cave, the road to the Pokemon centre wasn't long, but Murdock felt as if he would never get there, he steadily walked faster and faster.

'Murdock, what's up?' Jay asked, 'you haven't said a word since we left Clarissa and Gertrude.'

Murdock looked over his shoulder, eyes piercing behind, 'we're being followed,'

Jay's face scrunched up, confused as the idea had never even crossed his curious mind.

'You sure?'

'Im certain, I can hear its footsteps.'

Jay and Murdock continued to walk through the back streets of Terrafirma, the sky was a deep crimson merged with a hot pink and marmalade yellow. Murdock had a tendency to over think, Murdock even knew this himself however to him it was not subjective, he had zero control of what ran through his mind, he only knew how to react and even that didn't come easy to him.

The unknown began to infuriate Murdock as he suddenly just stopped walking, fairy lights dangled a over him eventually ending at the market, the slated stone pathway stood still underneath him as he took a deep breath.

'Murdock, I'm seriously like, I don't know what you're doing.'

'Jay, I have to know what's following us, once I've found out we can have some tea and talk strategies, but for now,' Murdock breathed out, 'now we wait.'

Murdock was so sure something was following him, his head was locked on, nothing could move this subject aside. In the corner of Jay's eyes he noticed something moving in the shadows that leaped from the houses that were either side of Jay and Murdock.

'Look!' Jay whispered, 'something's over there,' he said in a sarcastic tone.

A purple quadruped Pokemon ran out of the shadows, large ears stuck from its lilac face and porcupine like spikes rested on top of its body. A cute buck tooth and deep blood red eyes intrigued Murdock to move forward.

'Neeee!' The Pokemon screeched.

'Its a Nidoran, Jay, a male one! He must of followed us from paragon cave.'

'He looks...' Jay struggled for a word, 'he um, he looks... Cute?'

'Too right he's cute!' Murdock's mouth widened as his eyebrows and shoulder raised, fan girling over the small critter. 'Go Swablu!'

Murdock released his prize Pokemon, showing confidence towards the Nidoran that watched Murdock's moves curiously.

'RAAAAN!' Nidoran squealed as it bowed to Swablu.

'Nidoran wants to battle Murdock!'

'You see that Swablu!? That's manners! That is my cup of tea!' Murdock said proudly. 'Ok Swablu! Peck attack!'

Swablu flapped her cloud like wings and flew up, she then spread her wings with grace and dived down towards Nidoran.

Nidoran however ran towards her with speed and bashed into the bird head on, using its short stumpy horn as its weapon.

'Swaaaa!' Swablu yelped as she fell to the floor, she began to continue weeping as her body looked uncomfortably ill.

'That must of been poison sting! Hang in there Swablu!'

Suddenly Swablu's whole body began to glow and her sweaty tiresome look faded.

'What happened there?!' Jay asked.

'Thats Swablu's ability Jay, natural cure! It's heals status effects from time to time!'

Nidoran was getting bored of the constant interruptions, a light red aura began I to develop around Nidoran.

'Neeeee!' Nidoran shouted as his body focused on Swablu.

'Focus energy eh? Swablu, sing!'

Swablu gracefully flew through the air echoing a lullaby so dreamy Jay began to rub his curious little eyes.

Nidoran was trying to fight of the hypnosis and charged for Swablu but before he could attack he feel to floor, snoring and dreaming.

Murdock's face started to glow, he had him right were he wanted him.

'Ok! This is it!' Murdock began to get excited, jumping up and down and waving his flimsy arms, 'Go Pokeball!' He shouted as threw his red and white capsule at the small monster that was deep in a slumber.

The ball enveloped Nidoran and dropped to the floor, shaking.

'This is it Murdock...' Jay whispered in awe of the moment.

Swablu, Murdock and Jay all stood still as they watched the capsule rock from side to side three times, until finally after much anticipation it stopped, confirming the capture.

'What!? Oh my gosh yes!' Murdock squealed as he ran over to the ball.

He picked it up with happiness as he turned to Jay, 'what'd ya think?'

'He's great Murdock, really!'

'Yes, indeed a splendid capture!' A deep voice echoed from the shadows.

Murdock returned Swablu and him and Jay awaited to hear more.
'Grounds types are special I many ways,' the man said as he walked out from the shadows, 'they represent the earth in a way that no thee Pokemon can.'

A dark toned man stood before them, deep hazel eyes looked around they backstreet taking in its beauty. Black coal hair swirled high upon the mans lumpy head, he stood proudly with muscles ripping from arm to arm. His rugged clothes were torn, dirty shorts accompanied a milky brown jacket that dangled to his waist. He proud man chuckled to himself, 'ahh, I guess you're wondering who I am, yes?'

Murdock and Jay just nodded as they were, to be honest, quite intimidated my the stocky bloke.

'Well you're look at this cities gym leader! I am Klement, good day to you two.' Klement tugged on his jacket, showing respect and authority to the two trainers.

'Wow!' Jay gasped, 'you're the gym leader? I'm Jay from Windflower town and I would like to challenge you!'

'Me too!' Added Murdock.

'Guys, please, please calm down haha, you'll both get your chance! You'll both fail but sure, you'll get your chance!' The man once again chuckled to himself.

Both Murdock and Jay's eyes squinted, in soon became clear that you couldn't really tell if Klement was being serious or not.

'Well, haha we'll see about that!' Jay said nervously.

'Yes hahahaha!' Klement chuckled.

Jay and Murdock both joined in with the awkward laughing until Klement suddenly stopped. 'You will probably fail though.'

Murdock and Jay's fake laughter soon died.

...

'Well i shall see you at the gym tomorrow,' Klement said after about a minute silence.

Klement slowly walked backwards back into the shadows, a small laughter could be heard fading into the distance.

'God that guy is creepy,' Murdock told Jay as he turned to him.

'You know that, Murdy, come on let's find somewhere to stay and have a cuppa'

Murdock's nutshell eyes lit up, 'really? Owwwww, ok.'

Jay and Murdock both headed to the Pokemon centre to get some rest, after all they would need it.

**~~jackk~~** · 28th January 2013, 8:26 PM

wow, the beginning of this chapter is so different from your usual, I don't know it's interesting for sure. Tbh I was hoping it was Skarmory following Murdock but this was much better, it was about time Murdock got a new Pokemon and such an unused one is nice too! The gym leader was what I expected from a ground type leader, I'm guessing he's ground type anyway, Klement is a clever name

I can't wait to see how Murdock will do in his gym battle I'm expecting one of them to lose and I'm interested in seeing granbull in battle!! If hell do anything that is. It was nice to have a chapter that focused purely on Murdock as he's my fave

can't wait for the next chapter Lady!
Oh Lucy! Nice to see you

**dirkac** · 29th January 2013, 9:53 AM

. .
3

Hum, this chapter was different than usual. Though I can't tell what it is about it. I kinda like it.

I thought that Nidoran being captured, and th sentence that Murdock was fan girling over it's ueness was hilarious.

Klement, is, well, creepy. Sounds more like a Ghost trainer to me now... Maybe it's specialty is Golurk?

And, the ending was nice. With a twist of Jay saying his cuppa' tea this time, instead of Murduck.

**Shadow Lucario** · 29th January 2013, 8:51 PM

Chapter 16

Jay's lips pouted, 'so where about is it?'

Since the verb is pouted then the comma doesn't belong there. The only time you would use a comma is if the verb was said, shouted, exclaimed, asked, etc.

All three trainers nodded their pleased heads up and down and let out an 'ohhh.'

Because you lead on into dialogue like this, a comma needs to be placed before the dialogue. On another note, you used apostrophes instead of quotations. Might want to fix that.

The group made there way around the Pokemon Centre in Terrafirma and gazed at their surroundings.

Their. Common homonym mistake. Their is possessive. There refers to place. And they're means they are.

So Clarissa, were exactly are we having this battle?' Jay asked, impatiently.

Where. You just missed a letter.

Clarissa turned to Gertrude and raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows, 'that's the one I was telling you about.'

The same thing applies here with the comma. It needs to be a period since what comes before the dialogue is a complete sentence and requires a full stop, not a pause.

'Ive never had a double battle before, Murdock.' Jay said calmly.

Now for the opposite side of the speech. The period at the end needs to be a comma because of the Jay said part. If there was no verb like said then it would be fine.

'Theres nothing to it Jay, we just have to work together, that's all.'

An apostrophe is missing here and the comma would work much better as a semicolon. The semicolon will connect the two separate, but related thoughts in a much better way than a comma.

Clarissa released her best friend and most fierce fighter, Gastly appeared, ready for a battle.

I'm going to give you my version of this sentence. Feel free to use it if you like. It's merely a suggestion.

Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario's

Clarissa tossed her Poke Ball into the air, the ball cracking open when it reached the top of its arc. The white light shot out to release Gastly, her best friend and best fighter. The floating Ghost type cackled at Jay and Murdock, ready to battle.

Jay took a step back and analysed his opponent, he knew Gastly was trouble and gave a heads up to Murdock who then released his Pokemon.

That comma needs to be a period. They are two full sentences.

'Ok, Pinser! I choose you!'

Pinsir.

'Swablu! Counter with astonish!' Murdock commanded.

I got excited here because I've never seen the move Astonish used in a fic before so I was curious as to how you were going to describe it.

Swablu flapped her cloud like wings and flew in front of Mareep, Swablu then hit Gastly with astonish.

Then you did this. You need to describe exactly what is happening. Just saying that Swablu used Astonish doesn't cut it. I have no idea what Astonish looks like except in the games.

Pinsir leaped upwards over Mareep

I don't think Pinsir can jump. o.O

'No! Mareep use thunder shock on Gastly then taclek Pinsir!'

Got a few jumbled letters here.

Gertrude's mouth widened in shock of Mareep's abilities.

Ha.

Pinsir threw Swablu into the air, and engaged the attack coming from Mareep, ~~a ball if electricity was running for Pinsir,~~ however just before Mareep could land a hit she fell to the floor.

I'm not sure what that part was doing there so I took it out for you. Doesn't it read better now?

and it's cute dragon like face seemed very happy to grab everyone attention.

Its. First time I've seen you mess up on that.

Charmander who was flapping his legs up and down.

This just sounds awkward to me. Flailing maybe?

Charmander scurried around the Pokemon centre and dispersed into the rugged Terrafirma City.

Wrong verb. Try disappeared. Dispersed implies a crowd.

'Did you see that, he's gone,' Clarissa and Gastly both throwned.

I don't know what this means but okay.

Clarissa raided an eyebrow

Raised.

Murdock whispered as he dispersed further away from the gang.

There it is again. It'd be better to use stepped or walked. Anything but this. Also, when did Murdock's speech become so horrible? Did he suddenly forget how to form on flowing sentence?

'What are you doing here!' Murdock asked surprisingly.

You forgot the question mark. You know, the thing that makes it a question.

'Err, what do ya think dumbnuts!?' Clarissa retaliated.

Such a foul mouth.

'We wasn't like, um creeping on you or anything,' Clarissa told him

And now Clarissa forgot how to speak correctly as well. Change wasn't to weren't.

This chapter was a bunch of one liners and no description. That's a big problem. Not much happened either. If this chapter was omitted then it wouldn't really affect anything. There were many small mistakes throughout, most of which I pointed out above. Every single piece of dialogue was surrounded by apostrophes instead of quotations. That should be number one on your fix list. The characters seemed very childish in this chapter to the point where I could hardly finish it. I saw no point to a lot of what happened and anything that did happen was rushed. Here's hoping the next chapter is better. Until next time.

**Air Dragon** · 30th January 2013, 10:39 AM

And with that, I think I'll tackle Chapter 17... after these messages.

'What you doing Murdy?'

One.

'Im just seeing where the next gym is, Jay.

I’m just seeing where the next gym is, Jay.

'You seem to know what you're on about Murdy

Two.

down the stairs to the Pokemon centres main desk.

Pokémon Centre’s. Capitalization aside, the 'centre' needs an apostrophe.

'Hello Nurse Joy!' Murdock cheerfully cheered.

Three.

'of course they are my dears, did you have a nice rest?'

Four.

'Erm well, yeah, was brilliant, best nights sleep I've probably ever had in my life haha, no yes it was just amazing!' Jay mumbled.

best night’s sleep. And yes, Jay gets nervous when speaking to Nurse Joy. Any pre-pubescent boy without a girlfriend and a pair might at least once. At least make the stammering coherent (and funnier in the process.)

Jay seemed to over do the whole 'thank you' and in fact made his response unbelievable.

Overdo. This is one word.

Nurse Joy disappeared into the back to collect the trainers Pokemon.

collect the trainers’ Pokemon. The Pokemon belong to the trainers, so an apostrophe is needed here.

'I thought she was gunna' slap you haha!'

Gonna. I thought she was gonna slap you, haha...

'What have you done now Jay?' A familiar voice said with ease.

Five.

Murdock and Jay turned around to the most unpleasant thing they had ever seen, it was, the Clarissa. They both smiled and waved, awkwardly.

Sounds like a mean description, 'the Clarissa'...

'Sounds good to me,' Jay Added.

Jay added. The added didn't strictly need capitalization.

'We shall use the Pokemon Centres backyard battle field, duh.'

Again, Pokémon Centre’s.

'That doesn't matter Gerty! We know the rules!' Clarissa winked at Gertrude.

Six.

'Ive never had a double battle before, Murdock.' Jay said calmly.

I’ve, and I'd be more nervous if I were Jay.

'Theres nothing to it Jay, we just have to work together, that's all.'

There’s, and seven. (What's an 'it Jay'?)

Clarissa stepped forward, 'ok, I guess I'll release first aye. Go, Gastly!'

Aye: Old English expression for 'yes' (as in "Aye, sir.") I think you're looking for the sound 'eh', right? And the following full stop should be a question mark. A rhetoric question is still a question.

'huh,' he gasped.

Hunh?

'Dont think so!' Clarissa interrupted, 'I got you Gerty, Gastly use lick on Swablu!'

Don’t, and eight.

'Whats going on!?' Jay shouted.

What’s

With Mareep on the floor, Pincir being attacked by an angry Swablu only Gastly was left to make a move. Gastly went in for a lick attack but out of no where

1, Pinsir

2, With Mareep on the floor and Pinsir being attacked by an angry Swablu, only Gastly was left to make a move

3, nowhere. One word.

and it's cute dragon like face seemed very happy to grab everyone attention.

Its. Could have sworn you got it right just two words prior...

'What!?' Murdock replied in shock, 'I was planning on catching it though!'

'You snooze you lose my friend,' Clarissa bragged.

Nine, and ten. And which one of Clarissa's friends did Murdock lose earlier?

'Well, haha, um yes I spose,' Clarissa mumbled as she slowly made her way towards the Charmander.

S’pose.

'Did you see that, he's gone,' Clarissa and Gastly both throwned.

Thrown (as in thrown by the Charmander’s activity) or frowned.

'Charmanders still around, we'll just have to look for him!' Gertrude smiled.

Charmander’s

Clarissa raided an eyebrow, 'I don't think so Murdy!'

Eleven

'No, don't even go there, it's not gunna happen.'

'Nothing gunna happen...' Murdock whispered as he dispersed further away from the gang.

Gonna

'Oh my god! Ok Gerty let's go!' Clarissa shouted as she realised what Murdock was up to.

Twelve…

'C'mon Jay!' Murdock shouted as he ran around the Pokemon centre with Swablu chasing him behind.

Thirteen

'Im gunna guess somewhere rocky,' Murdock's eyes lit up like a bulb, 'Paragon cave!'

1, I’m gonna
2, Paragon Cave. The name of a place is a proper noun, and proper nouns are capitalized.

'Ok, Jay, lets go.' Murdock said determinedly.

Let’s

'Err, what do ya think dumbnuts!?' Clarissa retaliated.

Fourteen, and how do you think dumbnuts?

'Thats Damien!' Murdock added.

That’s (that is) Damien.

'For goodness sake, it's not weird it's just I like to sleep in and outside ya know, the sun comes up early and wakes me up, so what.' Damien told the group in a sarcastic tone.

1, "For goodness sake, it's not weird. It's just I like to sleep in and outside, ya know? The sun comes up early and wakes me up, so what?"

So the power of punctuation. That’s what...

2, ...and yes, Damien. That actually IS weird. Not only that, but you’re in a CAVE. That has not been mentioned as having ANY exposure to sunlight whatsoever. Not grassing on where you sleep in particular. Just... part of your reason for sleeping out of doors where the sun can wake you is very confusing/self-contradictory. Not to mention not 'sleeping in' (which is ignoring the signs of morning and continuing to sleep anyways)

The group said there goodbyes to Damien and headed out to Terrafirma, the sunlight hit there skin gracefully, Swablu was loving the sun as she danced in the air.

Wow, a double header. Their

'Me and Clarissa are gunna head towards Infebact City, that's we're the next gym is and possibly a rehab centre for Clarissa,' Gertrude told the boys as she comforted a distraught Clarissa.

'Good luck girls! Me and Murdock are gunna challenge the gym leader and then head to Infebact, I hope we see you soon! And um, you too Clarissa!' Jay added.

Ouch. I thought Gertrude was the one in need of psych help, with her timid personality. (Unless I’m mixing her up with someone else…)

And GONNA.

‘Jheez, seriously?'

Geez, seriously? And yeah, seriously. Sometimes even the sounds people make are spelled in a certain way.

Chapter 17

he was nervously watching the rough ragged pavement of Terrafirma

rugged. Ragged just doesn't seem to look right here.

as soon as they left paragon cave

Paragon Cave. Again, names of people and places. Proper nouns. Capitalize.

Murdock looked over his shoulder, eyes piercing behind, 'we're being followed,'

Eyes piercing what? One's gaze can pierce, but those must be pretty sharp eyeballs to pierce something (other than the air)

'Im certain, I can hear its footsteps.'

I’m (I am) certain.

The unknown began to infuriate Murdock as he suddenly just stopped walking, fairy lights dangled a over him

A what over him?

his head was locked on, nothing could move this subject aside.

You mean his mind was locked on. Speaking of which, locked on what?

In the corner of Jay's eyes

Which one? I’m assuming Jay has two.

'Its a Nidoran, Jay, a male one! He must of followed us from paragon cave.'

It’s. Must have(not must of). Paragon Cave.

'You see that Swablu!? That's manners! That is my cup of tea!' Murdock said proudly. 'Ok Swablu! Peck attack!'

Oh, boy... fifteen and sixteen.

'That must of been poison sting! Hang in there Swablu!'

Seventeen...

'Thats Swablu's ability Jay, natural cure! It's heals status effects from time to time!'

Eighteen, That's (That is) and it heals status effects from time to time, not it's.

Swablu gracefully flew through the air echoing a lullaby so dreamy Jay began to rub his curious little eyes.

Hunh? Wait, you want us to imagine what Jay looks like, right? This is new...

but before he could attack he feel to floor

fell to the floor.

he had him right were he wanted him.

Where. He had him right where he wanted him.

'This is it Murdock...' Jay whispered in awe of the moment.

Nineteen...

'He's great Murdock, really!'

...and twenty.

'Grounds types are special I many ways,' the man said as he walked out from the shadows

The Ground type. in many ways. Is your N-key disagreeing with you as well?

swirled high upon the mans lumpy head,

man’s

He proud man chuckled to himself, 'ahh, I guess you're wondering who I am, yes?'

The proud man chuckled to himself, “Ah, I guess you’re wondering who I am, yes?” And gee, you really think so?

quite intimidated my the stocky bloke.

by. I gues I can let this typo go, judging how close b and m are on the keyboard.

'Guys, please, please calm down haha, you'll both get your chance! You'll both fail but sure, you'll get your chance!' The man once again chuckled to himself.

This actually happens quite often, but here in particular, if you mentioned that he chuckled, is there really a need for the 'haha'?

Both Murdock and Jay's eyes squinted, in soon became clear that you couldn't really tell if Klement was being serious or not.

'Well, haha we'll see about that!' Jay said nervously.

“Well, ‘haha’… Guess we’ll see about that!” Jay replied nervously

'Yes, hahahaha!' Klement chuckled.

Jay and Murdock both joined in with the awkward laughing until Klement suddenly stopped. 'You will probably fail though.'

Maybe some emphasis on the ‘will’ here? Not a mistake, just a suggestion.

Murdock and Jay's fake laughter soon died.

Well, this was the best part of the chapter in my opinion. Even if it's full of holes.

'Well i shall see you at the gym tomorrow,'

Well, I

'God that guy is creepy,' Murdock told Jay as he turned to him.

God, that guy is creepy.

I don't think Pinsir can jump. o.O

LOL, heck, Magikarp can jump/Bounce. I’m not surprised.

The sight would be intimidating, no doubt. But not impossible.

Now to explain the count. I’ve mentioned this before, but every time someone is addressed in speech, a comma precedes their name/title! If not, it merely denotes them being referred to. You managed not to... twenty times. In two chapters. Wow. And I wasn't even counting the times a comma is used to denote a pause in speech. They DO have a function, you know. Kinda like the accent in "Pokémon".

Your apostrophe (mis)use is also quite galling. I know it's working considering you've used them once or twice in this very chapter. So what's going on here?

Like Shadow Lucario, I found this essentially incomplete. The sentences were choppy and seemed to lack a fair bit of description. Remember one of the biggest rules in fic writing: SHOW. NOT TELL. We may know what a Poison Sting does. But it can be used in several ways (Nidoran spitting tiny needles, or it's horn glowing purple and firing stingers from it or using it to gore its target). That, and attacks like Astonish are rarely used in the fic writing universe. How did it happen? What did the desired results look like? These are things that are needed to make a fic interesting. Try this:

Swablu flapped her cloud like wings and flew in front of Mareep. Once Swablu had cleared the Wool Pokémon's back, Swablu then folded its wings and sharply spread them wide in the Ghost type's face, expanding its blue body in tandem. Uttering a fierce and unnatural squawk, the bird successfully scared the Ghost type, ironically turning it's greatest weapon, fear, upon itself.

Also take a look at this: Attack Descriptions. I've used it and it DOES help. Even if it doesn't, read the descriptions and see how you can make it BETTER.

This could be better. YOU can be better. Just relax, and take each scene on one at a time. Let the reader SEE what's happening, don't just TELL them. In other words, don't just say something happens, or something is. Use actions to give the reader the experience of seeing it for him/herself.

"Mareep's fur began to glow with a golden light in patches as random sparks flashed over its small body." (Mareep using an electric attack)

"Gertrude tucked a strand of purple hair behind her ear and smiled shyly." (Gertrude has purple hair, what else is there about her?)

It's a put-off. At least to me. These things take time to write (Chapters and reviews both). At least return the favour and take your time, ok?

L@er!

**JX Valentine** · 31st January 2013, 1:04 AM

Short (for me) note before I get into my own review, but I just want to say that...

...Those aren't apostrophes, guys. They're single quotes, and single quotes are an actual thing in some parts of the world. Granted, I have no idea whether or not LadyLady is British or South African (not to mention the practice is in the process of declining in terms of preference in recent years -- although keep in mind that it's still extremely common to see single quotes around single items or phrases), but the point is that people outside of the United States have different rules for handling things. It's up to the reviewer to take that into consideration and check over an author's work with their nationality in mind. It's not up to the author to conform to a different country's rules. It'd be like what would happen if some kid went through and told someone from the UK to change every instance of the word "colour" to "color."

Of course, like I said, for all we know, LadyLady is from a country that uses American-style quotation (Edit note: Seeing that she uses "colour" on the first page is not necessarily an indicator due to Canada. Be thorough or direct when figuring out which system your author uses!), and if that's the case, then yes, she should change her style. However, "she's misusing apostrophes" shouldn't be her reason for doing so because those are not apostrophes. The reason why she should change her style is because Americans do not use single quotation marks to denote dialogue unless they're writing a quote within a quote. Calling an author out on her apostrophe abuse by citing usage of it in place of double quotes is just as incorrect as what you think she's doing.

While I'm at it, can I just say that writing up grammatical reviews that don’t explain the rules and then punctuating them with tiny paragraphs covering plot/characterization while falling short of actually explaining what an author did wrong in terms of plot or characterization (or, more accurately, offering tips on how to avoid the apparent mistakes) actually demeans an author and doesn’t make a particular impact in helping their growth? Or that expecting an author to improve if you just feed them that every single time you review is only setting yourself up for disappointment? Because yeah, I don’t get the recent trends of sparse-as-eff “smart reviewing” in fandom. If you want to help the author (which is actually why you’re here, not to point out their errors and consider your work done), you should be offering explanations and advice with every single thing you point out. If you don’t have time to do that, then it may be best to cut your reviews down to the point where you can add the content back into your post and talk about something for longer than five seconds. Not to be overly blunt with it, but how is just telling Lady what to write instead going to help her improve? That's like doing someone's homework for them and then being baffled when they seem to struggle constantly in class.

You’re also sort of insulting the author by failing to come up with more than a paragraph concerning the actual content of their chapter and for responding to their errors with one-liners of varying degrees of seriousness. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't particularly appreciate someone who came into my thread and went, "Yeah, all I really noticed was the grammar, but here's a couple of sentences that talk vaguely about your character usage to show that I was sort of paying attention to everything else." If I worked hard on my characters and plot, that kind of thing would piss me right off, honestly.

...And of course, outright counting errors instead of correcting them or offering help to correct them is also actually insulting the author via embarrassing them with your final tally, even if they have a good sense of humor about it publicly. So, seriously, no, AD. Don't do that. Don't be That Guy.

Just saying, guys.

Will edit with the review proper in a moment. I'm about halfway through the latest chapter myself, and LadyLady asked me to review months ago. (Sorry!) I just wanted to pop in and get at this before certain parties here give LadyLady the wrong idea(s). I'll explain single versus double quotes a bit more (or, rather, again) in my review, but let's just say that if she's British or South African, then there's nothing to correct there.

Edit the First: Stalked Lady's VMs. Found out within five seconds that she mentioned A-levels. A-levels = British. So there's your answer. They're single quotes, and they're there because she's using the British method, not the American one. It's not an error, and she doesn't necessarily have to change everything to double quotes if she prefers not to.

Edit the second coming later tonight.

**EonMaster One** · 31st January 2013, 4:43 PM

...Alright, we're critiquing other people's reviews now? I go away for a few weeks and this is what SPPf has turned into? And I wondered why I don't come onto this forum nearly as often as I used to. I don't know what bothers me more about the previous post - the fact that its author spent more time in the post critiquing another reviewer's review than critiquing the actual story, or the fact that they made the accusation that the other reviewer was insulting the writer's intelligence by commenting about grammar.

Maybe you and I come from different schools of thought, but first off, I can't help but think it's a little presumptuous on your part to try to tell someone else how to review - especially when they didn't solicit your advice on the subject. Second of all, on a more personal note, AD happens to be a very good friend of mine. I've been writing fanfiction here for very nearly nine years and he's been my main reader, reviewer, and the guy off whom I bounce most of my ideas. He speaks primarily to grammar issues, yes, and I can tell you from personal experience that his style of reviewing has helped me become more polished as a writer, and I've felt more informed than insulted. There have been some disagreements because I'm a speaker/writer of American English and he's not, but I can't ever remember feeling insulted about the fact that he reviews grammar and syntax, because sometimes we as writers can be so focused on the execution of the plot that those sorts of things happen. It's useful to have another pair of eyes.

Also, I haven't reviewed a lot - mainly because it puts me in a mode where I have to look for things to critique and I don't find that enjoyable - but I personally can't stand your type of reviewer. And by that, I mean, the person that rips apart everything they think is wrong with the plot. First of all, plot execution's extremely subjective. Something you as a reviewer don't like about the plot, another reader/reviewer might not mind at all. Second, it's also a bit presumptuous, IMO, to act like you as a reviewer know how to write their story better than they do. A lot of times, you don't.

Besides that, a story's plot and characters are birthed in the mind of a writer. How they're presented has a lot to do with how they're received. You can have the best story idea in the world. If you write it down, though, and your grammar foibles turn English into gobbledygook (which isn't necessarily the case in this situation, but I've seen it), though, how many people will still read it? And that is why reviewers like AD who specialize in grammar are still useful.

Lastly, critiquing grammar and finding spelling errors is tantamount to telling a parent of a cute baby that the baby's clothes don't match or don't fit. Going over the plot itself with a fine-tooth comb for the purpose of finding everything you don't like about it is tantamount to telling that same parent why you think their baby's ugly. Who's being insulting now? Just food for thought.

**JX Valentine** · 1st February 2013, 2:05 AM

Yeah, I know I edited the crap out of this comment as it is, but I’ve decided to take out a lot of points I made, just because I realized the argument here relates to something... I never actually said.

So!

Originally Posted by EonMaster One

...Alright, we're critiquing other people's reviews now?

Before I get anywhere with this, you may want to check this thread. It's perfectly kosher to step in and say a word or few about someone else's criticism. In fact, it's not the first time on the forums that someone's done it, and considering the fact that both of these writers have said it's A-OK according to that thread, I'm perfectly within my right on multiple levels.

Hey, taking it another way, criticism-on-criticism has always sort of been a thing. That's why these things are communities. People communicate; it's not just author-reviewer. And it hasn't really been ever. It's just that Serebii's apparently been a bit reserved in the past concerning author-to-author communication, but the thing is that Serebii doesn't necessarily represent the way the majority of communities work anyway. You see a lot of back-and-forth between readers and reviewers or reviewers and reviewers on places like FFNet (where white-knighting is also common, incidentally), dA, LJ/DW, and so forth. If there's a means for anyone to post and reply to posts, then there's been conversations, plain and simple. So it's not really a "now" as it is a "it doesn't happen frequently, it always just sort of happens, and this is just an example of how that works."

the fact that its author spent more time in the post critiquing another reviewer's review than critiquing the actual story, or the fact that they made the accusation that the other reviewer was insulting the writer's intelligence by commenting about grammar.

First and foremost, my review to the author's work isn't complete yet, and I've mentioned that multiple times.

Second, when you count the number of times an author has made a single error, yes, that's exactly what you're coming off as doing, whether you intended to do that or not. Would you like it if I went into your thread and counted the number of times you've made a particular error, even going so far as to say halfway through the count that you've lost count? There is a distinct difference between reviewing politely and snarking about their work. When you need to keep a tally without actually explaining what you're doing, you're not exactly pulling off the former, sorry to say.

Maybe you and I come from different schools of thought, but first off, I can't help but think it's a little presumptuous on your part to try to tell someone else how to review - especially when they didn't solicit your advice on the subject.

So I guess I should just let them go ahead and confuse LadyLady? That's what it boils down to here. They were about to introduce a misconception to LadyLady. When a point a reviewer makes concerning grammar (or anything else, really) is inaccurate and could potentially lead the author in the wrong direction, you as a member of a community have every right to step in and say, "Uh, actually, no, it's really ____."

That being said, I did what I did not to personally attack either reviewer but instead to clarify a key point here. They were about to confuse her by telling her to stop abusing apostrophes when what she's doing was actually using a completely different mark of punctuation. Sending her to a list of apostrophe rules (or stating that she needs to brush up on the way apostrophes work) isn't going to help her when that's not the problem she needs to fix. Her real problem with her quotation marks? Inconsistency, not inaccuracy. That's it. She needs to decide which style of quotation mark she wants to use: the traditional one for her nationality or the Americanized one of the internet. That requires a completely different thought process, but in the end, she wasn't technically incorrect when it comes to quotation marks in either chapter that was reviewed. To call her out on atrocious use of apostrophes would be just plain incorrect because those aren't apostrophes, so you're basically ripping into her for a grammatical error she didn't actually make in the first place. That's what the problem is.

Second of all, on a more personal note, AD happens to be a very good friend of mine.

In that case, you may want to rethink what you're doing here. You're reacting emotionally towards your friend receiving criticism. Considering he wants criticism and considering the fact that this isn't a personal attack, why don't you let him talk to me himself if he has a problem with what I have to say?

He speaks primarily to grammar issues, yes, and I can tell you from personal experience that his style of reviewing has helped me become more polished as a writer, and I've felt more informed than insulted.

So he's totally made fun of your writing by counting the number of errors you've made in a chapter without giving you much of an explanation except a one-liner at the end?

Point is, you are not LadyLady. The reviewers aren't LadyLady either. Reviewers are not the author; bystanders are not the author. That's why it's vital for reviewers to understand the basics of reviewing etiquette -- because it's difficult to get tone across on the internet. You have no idea if what you're doing is discouraging the author because it's coming off mockingly. So you have to cut the sarcasm out of your reviews, and you have to make sure what you say is clear. Sure, AD's tone might work for you, but it's rather presumptuous of you to assume that it works for anyone else.

It's useful to have another pair of eyes.

I'm not questioning that. I'm questioning the tone he used in order to do it as well as the level of detail in his review.

And here’s where I snip out a lot!

And by that, I mean, the person that rips apart everything they think is wrong with the plot. First of all, plot execution's extremely subjective.

...You may want to reread my reviews. Everything I do is basically a more detailed version of everything AD and Shadow does. That’s sort of why I feel like I can comment on their reviewing style.

I mean, not that I have anything against either of them (because, honestly, I'd be happy to talk things over civilly and continue to help them out if they want me to), but I feel like it's worth it to note that AD and Shadow were already reviewing plot and characters. They just didn't go in-depth into them, which... unfortunately doesn't tell Lady much. For example, AD mentions that her description is lacking, and while he brings up a few brief examples, he doesn't go into detail about what specifically makes a description detailed (or, for that matter, what separates it from an infodump or awkwardly worded detailing) or why those details are needed to make a fic enjoyable. He just says she doesn't go into much description, and that's bad. In other words, he's already doing that thing that you hate. The difference between what he does and what I do is just that I'm more specific so the author can make a judgement for themselves. It's simple(r) for them to figure out whether or not they should listen to "your characters are immature" or "you need more description" if you point out where their story is weak in either regard and why those points can use more work. If you use their story as examples for what you think they need to do while going into detail yourself about why they need a certain amount of description, they can match what you're saying about their plot and characters to what they're doing and figure out whether or not your advice works for their style. Meanwhile, if you just tell them, "this story feels incomplete, these are some questions I had about attacks, and here's a rewrite of one of your lines without an explanation as to why this is better than what you're doing," then you're not really giving them the option to think things over for themselves. If anything, AD's actually guiltier of what you're accusing me of doing because he's still talking about plot and character, but he's not going into how it works in enough detail to allow the author to figure out what to do in the future. I mean, he literally just rewrote part of Lady's chapter. Why is that okay, but what I do (or what you think I do) isn't?

Something you as a reviewer don't like about the plot, another reader/reviewer might not mind at all.

Well, sure, but there’s a lot of people who don’t actually mind stories written with a lot of grammatical errors either. To say that you should never review plot because no one cares sort of assumes that everyone cares whether or not someone’s comma usage is perfect, and unfortunately, not everyone does.

Second, it's also a bit presumptuous, IMO, to act like you as a reviewer know how to write their story better than they do. A lot of times, you don't.

It's rather presumptuous of you to assume that's what I'm doing or that the writers didn't ask for my opinion on their plots and characterizations in the first place, but hey.

Besides that, a story's plot and characters are birthed in the mind of a writer. How they're presented has a lot to do with how they're received.

Which is why I gave these reviewers the crit that I did (to help them avoid giving Lady the wrong impression), so thank you for agreeing with me?

You can have the best story idea in the world. If you write it down, though, and your grammar foibles turn English into gobbledygook (which isn't necessarily the case in this situation, but I've seen it), though, how many people will still read it?

Plenty, actually. *motions to dA, FFNet, and more than one fic here*

At its heart, reviewing tends to be highly personal because of that. When you go in to write a review, yes, you're focused on helping an author to improve, but you're focusing on what you think will help them improve. Others might not see a problem with the things you bring up, and plenty of people enjoy fics, even if they're riddled with problems. Some of the most popular fics in this fandom are littered with basic errors, and there are quite a number of fics in this forum that are or were more popular than stories with far, far better grammar than they had. What makes a story good to a lot of people isn't just the way it handles grammar. It's a whole bunch of different factors, and for that reason, you do get a lot of people following fics that turn English into "gobbledygook." That's also what sort of happens when you have a bunch of people at different skill levels in one place. You might see an error, but most of the other reviewers might not and will go right on saying that that fic is the best they've ever read, even if it's incomprehensible. It happens, and it's always been a thing that happens in fandom.

That isn't to say you should never point out grammar. It just means that if you're going to review, you'll want to keep in mind, first and foremost, that there are people who are perfectly fine with fics the way they are. That's also why you have to be clear and thorough (with your explanations) when you're tackling grammar in a review. You can't just talk about the rules in a couple of sentences or with vaguely worded definitions and expect them to change for you. If you're not clear and thorough with your explanations, then the author will either blow you off because no one else has a problem with what you have to say or they'll be confused and therefore less inclined to change their style. By being clear and thorough when discussing grammar, you're setting up an argument that can't be countered without a cop-out answer. Anyone can say "you need a comma at this place" isn't correct, but it's harder to say the same thing for, "You need a comma here because the comma functions to separate the dialogue from the dialogue tag while indicating that the tag is linked to the quote. Think of it like a period at the end of the quote, in other words. You need that ending mark, but you also want to make sure the audience reads this as a signal that the thought continues into the dialogue tag." Explaining the rules as thoroughly as you can (or linking to reliable guides if you can't) takes away the ambiguity of whether or not it's correct, not to mention it helps you as a reviewer by encouraging you to check your sources to see if you're accurate. By having both happen, you can say with certainty that you're correct in the matter on an objective standpoint, which means the author's possible responses end up getting whittled down to, basically, "that's just my style" (assuming you are correct in your discussion). That's the cop-out answer.

Tl;dr to the above paragraph: I'm not saying you shouldn't review grammar. I'm saying that if you're going to do it, make sure your points are as clear as possible. If you think they're clear, read them again and add more to them to get clearer.

And that is why reviewers like AD who specialize in grammar are still useful.

Except most reviewers beyond the one-liner types don't specialize in one facet of writing (not even AD, whether he knows it or not), and I have no problem with grammatical reviews that are well-written anyway.

Lastly, critiquing grammar and finding spelling errors is tantamount to telling a parent of a cute baby that the baby's clothes don't match or don't fit. Going over the plot itself with a fine-tooth comb for the purpose of finding everything you don't like about it is tantamount to telling that same parent why you think their baby's ugly. Who's being insulting now?

I feel like you're getting a little too emotionally invested in this discussion here. I mean, if you don’t mind me being frank as I normally am, you seem to be very keen on implying that I’m being insulting, but you’re not realizing that you’ve just agreed with everything I had to say.

But eh. To answer your question, still the grammatical reviewers who snark about the corrections they're making while falling short of providing a thorough explanation of their corrections. They're basically putting bows in the baby's hair while starving it. If all you ever do is dress a baby in proper clothes but never feed it or hold it, it's going to die. The reviewers who go into detail about their thoughts are the ones who not only dress the baby but also bother to hold it and feed it now and then if the mother says she needs help.

Also, where did you even get the assumption that I discourage people from reviewing grammar? Legit curious here, considering I never said actually that. What I said instead was this:

"...can I just say that writing up grammatical reviews that don’t explain the rules and then punctuating them with tiny paragraphs covering plot/characterization while falling short of actually explaining what an author did wrong in terms of plot or characterization (or, more accurately, offering tips on how to avoid the apparent mistakes)..."

What that means is this:

1. If they do review grammar, they need to know what the rules are and how to explain them as clearly and thoroughly as possible. Right now, there's a reason why Lady's making the same errors over and over again. Shadow and AD have fallen into the trap that is their corrections are error-specific. They didn't really give Lady advice on why her errors are errors or how to spot those errors in the future, so it's really no wonder that she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.

2. Same goes with covering plot and characterization... if you choose to mention it. Which is what AD and Shadow did, albeit using vaguer terms than the grammatical halves of their reviews, hence my comment concerning plot and characterization. Their grammatical notes at least brought up examples of the same errors enough times that they might form a logical thread from which Lady could draw a conclusion if she squinted enough or felt up to the task of using Google to figure out why her reviewers were pointing out those errors, but there’s so many ways to interpret “you need more detail” that Googling won’t help her. Yes, there’s very loose definitions for what is and isn’t good description, and for that, there’s no reliable guide to description the way there is for commas. So if you say an author’s description needs work (as AD has), you had better be prepared to go into detail about what you mean. Otherwise, what can an author take away from that point in your review?

Or tl;dr, what I actually said was this:

"If you want to review grammar, go ahead and review grammar. Just be more specific when you do so, and don't just tack on a vague couple of paragraphs about plot/characterization. You have to be specific with that too."

In other words, if I'm reading you correctly, you've just spent several paragraphs ripping me apart for endorsing something... I didn't even endorse in the first place. Because I have no problems with the kinds of review you're describing anyway. I mean, really, before you rip into someone over the idea that grammatical reviews are useful, you may actually want to reread what they have to say to make sure they're not actually supporting grammatical reviews (that are done well). Just saying.

Also, when a grammatical reviewer's advice risks introducing future errors into an author's work, it really is better to step in and say something. Otherwise, you, the bystander, are going to end up hurting a reviewer. The whole point is that these reviewers were incorrect about something they said to LadyLady and were not giving her what she needs to improve. (They gave the baby a hat, but they didn't give it a shirt and diaper.) It's not that I have a personal vendetta against these reviewers. Frankly, the reason why I didn't bother to say anything until now is because I honestly don't care enough about their style to comment. Whatever they want to do is fine by me. But when they risk hurting a person's style or discouraging a writer from actually writing by coming off as if they're snarking about that author's writing, of course I'm going to step in and try to do some damage control. I'm part of the audience, and hell, I actually want to review Lady sometime (which is shortly). The last thing I want to do is do damage control during my review. Or take a story off my to-do list because the writer stopped wanting to write before I could review them.

That being said, I stand by my thoughts, and I'd like to politely ask you to let AD fend for himself. If he has a problem with what I had to say, he can tell me himself. Otherwise, don't assume things and start white-knighting for him.

Alternatively, my profile and VM wall is that-a-way.

**JX Valentine** · 9th February 2013, 9:16 PM

Whiteknighting/ranting aside, LadyLady asked me to review this months ago, and I apologize for how late it’s taken. I’m going to be focusing primarily on chapter 17 this time around, if only because Lady’s probably tired of hearing about any other chapter by now. I’m also going to be ignoring AirDragon’s review, so a lot of the points might be a bit redundant. Or clearer. Idek.

And here we go!

Originally Posted by LadyLady

Murdock tugged on his scruffy rucksack with both of his pale hands, he was nervously watching the rough ragged pavement of Terrafirma as he walked along side his friend, Jay.

To start things off, believe it or not, but this should actually be two sentences. Try placing a period where the first comma is. Notice how you end up with two distinct sentences that make sense on their own? That’s your cue to keep them separate.

See, that’s basically called a comma splice, a type of run-on wherein two independent clauses (thoughts that can become their own sentences) are blended together in one long line by a comma by itself instead of a proper separator. The problem with that lies in how it’s read. Comma splices can quickly become wordy and unwieldy to a reader who’s expecting a sentence break. So, you can either place a conjunction after the comma (to create a proper compound sentence) or insert a semicolon or a period/ending punctuation mark in order to break apart those thoughts so that they’re easier for a reader to go over.

By the way, the period trick (replacing a comma with a period and reading what results to see if it’s one or two sentences) can come in handy in a lot of situations. Keep it in mind when you’re proofreading and give it a shot whenever you’re inserting a comma into your work.

Also, because it’s pretty late in the fic, you don’t really need to remind the readers that Jay is Murdock’s friend. They’ve already got that part down pat.

(Incidentally, I’ll say I cheated and peeked at AD’s review. Ragged can also be acceptable in this situation if you’re trying to say the equivalent of “ragged road”... which is a perfectly fine phrase in English. Yes, it’s possible for pavement to be unkempt or craggy.)

Jay was oblivious to what Murdock was noticing, he knew something was odd as soon as they left paragon cave, the road to the Pokemon centre wasn't long, but Murdock felt as if he would never get there, he steadily walked faster and faster.

Try the period test with this sentence. You’ll probably notice that you have several different independent clauses here, most of which can be shunted into their own spaces. Remember that you can create compound sentences by inserting a conjunction after the comma (or replacing the comma with a semicolon if the thoughts are closely linked to one another), or you can create complete sentences by replacing the comma with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Try a bunch of different things to see what result sounds best to you, but either way, limit the number of independent clauses per sentence to two. (As in, you can’t have more than two independent clauses in a sentence. That also forms run-ons.)

There’s also a lot of instances of this kind of error, so I’m really only going to point it out to you now and leave the rest alone unless something significant comes up later. All I can say is try putting a period where you put all of your commas and see what you come up with. Yes, it’s tedious, but you’ll see what I mean.

(Also, yes, you’d need to capitalize Paragon Cave because that’s a place name. All special names – like names of specific places – need to be treated as proper nouns, meaning they need to be capitalized. Unless otherwise stated, anyway.)

'Murdock, what's up?'

Continuing on from what I said earlier, to be fair, double quote marks are generally preferred if you’re from elsewhere besides traditional parts of the UK or South Africa, and that’s why they tend to be pretty common across the pond anyway – because they trip up us silly Americans (and Canadians and Oceanians). Well, that and double quotes tend to be a little clearer than single quotes, which are normally used for quotations-within-quotations in countries that use double-quotes... or are otherwise confused with the apostrophe.

There is, however, a legitimate problem with using single versus double quotes (that has nothing to do with culture). You’re very inconsistent about using them. There would be actual chapters in which you used both styles of quotation marks. Try not to do this because it’ll get incredibly confusing for readers later on for reasons other than the uncertainty as to whether or not you’re using apostrophes. For example, some people use different styles of speech marks to show different types of dialogue – like double quotes for spoken words and single quotes for thoughts. Choosing a style and sticking with it makes sure that you’re absolutely clear about what you’re trying to convey at all times. If you meant to switch back to single quotes, it’s absolutely necessary that you go back and edit all of the quotation marks so that they’re all single quotes instead of double quotes. If you wanted to use double quotes all along, it’s absolutely necessary for you to edit all of the single quotes into double quotes instead. Either way, whatever you decide to do, remember to stick with it in future chapters.

Jay asked, 'you haven't said a word since we left Clarissa and Gertrude.'

Be careful with which side of a quote you link the dialogue tag to. The part of Jay’s lines that comes directly after “asked” (the part that’s linked to the tag) is not a question and therefore can’t be asked.

To clarify, let me just run through that particular rule because it can be pretty confusing. See, there’s two parts to every quotation: the quote itself and the dialogue tag. The dialogue tag is the part that says he said, she said, what-have-you; the quote is, well, everything within a set of quotation marks.

Here’s where it gets trickier. A tag can’t stand on its own. It always has to be linked to either part of the quote, and it’s linked via the comma. There’s several ways you can do this, namely:

Spoiler:- ”Comma rules!”:

Keeping in mind the above, figuring out how to punctuate a quote in the middle of a paragraph should be pretty easy. Your first question is, “Am I interrupting a sentence by writing this tag?” If you can remove the tag and the quotation marks and come up with only one sentence as a result, the answer is yes. If you get two, the answer is no.

Your second question is: “Which quote do I want to link this tag to?” For the most part, it might not matter, but when you start using words that define a very specific way of speaking (like “asked”), then you have to be specific. For example, “asked” can only go with a question, so you can only link the tag itself to a question.

Long story short, here’s how to punctuate tags in the middle of a paragraph but NOT a sentence:

“I am going to the store,” Mary said. “I’m picking up milk.”
AND!
“I am going to the store.” Mary said, “I’m picking up milk.”
AND!
“Would you like to come with me?” Mary asked. “I’m going to the store.”
AND!
“Would you like to come with me?” Mary explained, “I’m going to the store.”

In all instances, note that the period shifts, depending on which side is linked to the tag. Either way, you need one period to designate the end of a sentence. Otherwise... Well, like I said, try dropping the quotation marks and the dialogue tag and see what you come up with. If it looks messy, chances are that it is.

Murdock looked over his shoulder, eyes piercing behind,

Also, keep in mind that you only use commas to punctuate dialogue tags. If the line doesn’t describe the way something is being said and the person who’s saying it, then it’s not a tag and should take a period instead.

Besides that, I’d say “behind himself” would be a better idea, BUT even that’s a bit awkward because... just imagine trying to pierce something that’s behind you. (That’s always a good image to conjure in your head when you want to have eyes pierce something. If it’s too awkward for you to pierce something with your hand, a sharp object, and a stabbing motion, then consider a different phrase.) Instead, I would suggest thinking of ways to say, very simply, that he’s glaring at Jay.

'we're being followed,'

Another thing to keep in mind: if you do end a tag (or anything that comes before a quote) with a period, you need to capitalize the first word of the next quote because it’s in its own sentence. In this case, you’d need to capitalize “we’re.”

Also! Replace the comma with a period. You can only punctuate a quote with a comma if there’s something that comes after it. Otherwise, you’ve just completed a sentence, so there’s really no need to use a comma instead.

...Then again, I notice that that’s pretty much the only time you use a comma at the end of a quote, so all I can say is be careful proofreading. Remember that you should be proofreading thoroughly before you post your work because the reviews you get are meant to help you move forward, not assist you in refining work you’ve already done.

Jay's face scrunched up, confused as the idea had never even crossed his curious mind.

Be careful about misplaced modifiers. Right now, you’re saying that Jay’s face was confused, not Jay himself. The reason why is because the subject of the sentence is a face and not Jay.

'Im certain, I can hear its footsteps.'

Remember that contractions (like “I’m,” which is short for “I am”) typically get apostrophes that take the place of missing letter(s). Every time you write words that you know stand in for more than one, don’t be afraid to look it up and figure out whether or not you need an apostrophe.

the back streets of Terrafirma,

Believe it or not, this is one thing pop music got right: “backstreet” is only one word.

the sky was a deep crimson merged with a hot pink and marmalade yellow.

Nitpick: Marmalade is orange, not yellow.

But other than that, it’s a lovely description, although I would suggest using a different word besides “merged” here. “Merged” implies that it’s neither crimson nor hot pink/marmalade but instead a solid, single color made by mixing all three. As in, you actually end up describing the sky as being uniformly red, rather than multicolored with splashes of all three.

Murdock had a tendency to over think,

Note: When you have a word like “over” followed by a verb, “over” may actually be a prefix, rather than its own word. Try Googling or looking up over + the other word to see if it’s actually one word or two. In this case, it’d be one word. Murdock has a tendency to overthink, not a tendency to over and think.

Murdock even knew this himself however to him it was not subjective, he had zero control of what ran through his mind, he only knew how to react and even that didn't come easy to him.

Remember that it’s most definitely A-OK to have multiple sentences (i.e., thoughts that end with periods) in a paragraph, so having more periods is definitely a good thing.

However, the reason why I’m pointing this out to you (given that I’ve already mentioned this) is because the period test won’t help you when you didn’t insert a comma into one of the possible sentences. Look at this paragraph again. How many subjects do you have? If your answer is four, you’re missing the fifth: it. As in, “However, to him, it was not subjective.” Note that this thought stands on its own as a complete sentence with a subject and a predicate.

The best thing you can do in these kinds of situations is just be careful and read carefully during the proofreading stage. Only way you’ll be able to catch that is by hand, really.

fairy lights dangled a over him

Things like this (the word “a,” which needs to be dropped) could probably be weeded out with careful proofreading as well. I know it’s a small word, but it can very easily trip up a reader. So be just a tad bit more careful when you go over your work.

If it helps, try reading your chapters aloud when you proofread. That helps you slow down and allows you to listen to what you’re saying on each page. Mistakes becomes more apparent when you can hear what your sentences sound like.

Alternatively, I recently came across another tip that might help you: read each sentence backwards. If you start with the period and reach each word one by one, you’re not allowing yourself to be affected by the bias that comes from knowing how the language should go. In other words, you’re inflicting on yourself a mental roadblock, so you’re more likely to read the sentences as they are, rather than read them as you think they should be based on what you know about how the language works.

the slated stone pathway stood still

Be wary of descriptions that come across as unnecessary. While it’s cool to say they’re on a stone pathway, pathways generally don’t move unless something particularly out of the ordinary is happening, so as a result, they’re always standing still. You could, instead, say that the pair stood still on the stone pathway, and that would be completely okay logically.

'Murdock, I'm seriously like,

Seriously is an adverb, so you can only pair it with an adjective, a verb, or another adverb. In this case, “seriously” is actually paired with “I’m” (as in, Jay is describing himself, not an action or a quality). So you can’t actually use the adverb form here, but you can use the adjective form (because that describes pronouns and nouns).

In other words, you’d need “serious” and not “seriously.”

Murdock was so sure something was following him, his head was locked on, nothing could move this subject aside. In the corner of Jay's eyes he noticed something moving in the shadows that leaped from the houses that were either side of Jay and Murdock.

It’s a bit strange that you put all your thoughts into two sentences here, but you have this tendency to funnel all your thoughts in other paragraphs into one sentence. May I ask what your logic is behind using the comma instead of the period in most cases? Are you one of the people out there who think the comma is meant to be a pause and therefore mistake it for an ending mark of punctuation, or is something else at work here? I’d just need to know before going over comma rules.

Also, I would suggest dropping “on” (in the phrase “his head was locked on”) and replacing it with “onto” + your choice of a noun. It would make the most sense to say, “His head was locked onto the thought of being followed,” but it’s really up to you there. Either way, you can’t really use “lock on”; you’d need to say “lock onto” and follow it up with what the subject is hooked into/focusing on.

intrigued Murdock to move forward.

One of the things I wanted to say earlier in your work had I reviewed earlier chapters is that there’s a tendency for you to use words that don’t quite fit the situation that you’re describing. For example, “intrigue” does not mean “coaxed,” which is what you want here. Murdock is being convinced to or lured into moving forward. If something intrigues someone, it piques their interest, and that’s it. (Well, it has other meanings too, but that’s really the most common.)

If it helps, always look up a word you’re not 100% familiar with. Use Google to define it or find yourself an online dictionary, and then look up examples of it being used. Do not simply use the word without fully understanding backwards and forwards what it means because that can easily produce weird mental images for a reader or throw them off their groove while reading your story. That goes especially for any word you find in the thesaurus.

'Neeee!' The Pokemon screeched.

Because “the Pokemon screeched” is a dialogue tag with nothing following it (note that it describes who is saying something and how they’re saying it), the “the” actually needs to be lowercase, even if you’ve got an exclamation point at the end of the quote. The reason why is because you’re still within the same train of thought – the same sentence, basically. Remember how I said dialogue tags can’t stand on their own? *motions* Moments like these are actually examples.

'Its a Nidoran,

Be careful with homophones. Its is a possessive pronoun (meaning something belongs to it); it’s is a contraction for “it is.”

If it helps, this is a lengthy list of words that are frequently confused for one another. Or alternatively, just remember what I said earlier about contractions and apostrophes: contractions that are formed from pronouns (like “it”) usually uses an apostrophe in it.

He must of followed us from paragon cave.'

While I know not everyone speaks properly, “must of” is actually slang, believe it or not. The proper way to say this would be “must have.” The reason why is because you need a helping verb here, not a preposition-verb combo. What that means is “must” is not the verb of the sentence; Nidoran did not must. Nidoran had followed the boys, and the “must” just tells us that Murdock is certain that he did. In other words, the “must” enhances the verb, not serves as a description of what Nidoran did. “Of,” meanwhile, can’t stand in for the verb because... you don’t of anything.

However! “Of” is kosher when you’re describing the way someone speaks only if they actually would speak that way. I can’t blame you for using “of” instead of “have.” You most likely say “must of” instead of “must’ve” or “must have” all the time. It’s cool. It’s what makes you human. But keeping that in mind, if I was writing you as a character, I might have you say “must of” just because that’s what you would say, even if it’s technically grammatically incorrect.

In this case, though, the problem lies in the fact that Murdock might not actually say things that way. From what I can tell, he’s a more intelligent, cultured character, yes? If that’s the case, then he’ll err on the side of proper speech. As in, he’ll try to speak as correctly as possible without sounding wooden, rather than use the kind of slang people like him generally grow out of.

Murdock's mouth widened as his eyebrows and shoulder raised, fan girling over the small critter.

I’m having a bit of trouble picturing exactly what he’s doing. I mean, he’s talking, but his mouth is open wide. Is he gaping at the Nidoran between responding to Jay and releasing Swablu? If so, you’ll need to note that there’s time passing here because you’re right now implying that these actions happen at the same time. I would suggest putting a period somewhere in here and then describing Murdock reaching for Swablu’s ball.

Also, did you mean that both of his shoulders raised or literally just one? Also a legit question because I’m not sure if Murdock’s striking a rather silly pose out of excitement or if he’s tensing up all of a sudden.

Lastly, nitpick, but only girls can fangirl. Boys fanboy.

'Go Swablu!'

You’ll actually want a comma between these two words. That’s because Murdock is directly addressing Swablu by using its name, and direct address requires a comma.

Murdock released his prize Pokemon, showing confidence towards the Nidoran that watched Murdock's moves curiously.

Did the Pokémon show confidence, or did Murdock show it? The reason why I ask is because that clause, to a reader, initially reads as the Pokémon showing confidence (because it’s the first noun before the comma), but it’s also common practice to blow off this rule and have the dependent clause refer to the subject of the sentence (meaning you’d actually be saying Murdock was showing confidence). Either way, some clarity is in order here. It might help to state how the confident being is showing that they’re confident. If you’re referring to Murdock, maybe adding in that he’s grinning confidently or having him state that he knows he’ll nab Nidoran might help. If you’re referring to Swablu, you could have it strike a confident pose (while being descriptive about what that pose looks like, of course).

Either way, you’ll probably also want to drop the bit about Nidoran watching Murdock’s moves closely or shunt that into its own sentence. Right now, you’re getting a bit wordy, and the sentence wanders from the main point to the side point about Nidoran.

'RAAAAN!' Nidoran squealed as it bowed to Swablu.

Because Nidoran’s definitely male, you might as well use male pronouns for him.

'Nidoran wants to battle Murdock!'

I’d suggest adding a dialogue tag here. Otherwise, this ends up being a disembodied quote.

'You see that Swablu!?

Don’t forget the comma for direct address here too. (There’s a few other examples where you use direct address but don’t use a comma, so I’ll just say that whenever you have a character speak to someone else while using their name, you separate the name from the rest of the thought with commas. For example, if I’m talking to you and if I say your name while doing so, I’d need to separate it with a comma, LadyLady.)

To be clearer, in most cases, commas separate clauses and ideas that don’t have to be in a sentence to make sense. As in, take this sentence for example. You could take “as in” out of that sentence, and it will still make perfect sense.

What about clauses that clarify, like this one here? Same deal. You can take “like this one here” out of that line, and you’ll still get one complete sentence with its own subject, verb, and meaning.

Direct address functions on the same level. If you took a person’s name out of the sentence, you’d still have something that makes perfect sense. It’s when you have a sentence whose meaning would change drastically if you took a name out that doesn’t need a comma. So, because you can say a sentence like “You see that, Swablu” without saying “Swablu,” you need a comma for direct address. If you left the comma out, what you’re actually having Murdock do is point out a random Swablu for someone else to look at. (“You see that Swablu” = “look at that Swablu.” “You see that, Swablu” = “I’m talking to Swablu.”)

That's manners!

Since “manners” is plural, you’ll actually want to use a plural verb and pronoun here to match. So yo wouldn’t say “that’s”; you’d actually say “those are” or “those’re.”

Nidoran however ran towards her with speed

Reading your work aloud also helps you figure out what is and isn’t awkward by allowing you to listen to what you’ve written. Like I said earlier, if something sounds awkward, chances are, it probably is.

The reason why I say this here is because things don’t really do anything with speed. They might do things speedily or quickly, but “with speed” adds in an extra word you really don’t need. Don’t be afraid to use adverbs to describe actions.

she began to continue

Same deal here. Reading this aloud might tell you that you can’t really begin to continue anything. You can begin or continue, but you can’t do both at the same time because their definitions clash.

'That must of been poison sting! Hang in there Swablu!'

One of the things I’ve been curious about from the get-go is your personal capitalization preferences because you seem to be a bit inconsistent about them as well. There were times, if I recall correctly, that you capitalize “Pokeball” and “Pokemon” in the same chapter as instances where you had strings of attacks that weren’t capitalized. Granted, if you’re consistent about it (which you largely are, from what I can tell), it’s kosher, but I’m still interested to hear your thoughts on why you chose to capitalize the way you did because I very rarely see authors choose to leave attacks (and special abilities, for that matter) lowercase.

'Thats

Contractions that aren’t formed from specific pronouns tend to be tricky too. If it helps, ask yourself whenever you write things like this if what you’re putting down can be broken down into two words. If the answer is yes, then it’s a contraction and needs an apostrophe.

It's heals status effects

This one’s a bit on the odd side because I’m not quite sure if you originally put something here and forgot to delete/reformat a word or two or if you meant to write “it’s heals” from the get-go, but to put it simply (by putting that bit of advice I just offered to work with an example), you can’t really say “it is heals,” right? On the other hand, you also can’t say that the heals belongs to it, so “its” doesn’t work here either. That means your only other option is to reread the sentence and consider a rewrite to work out that oddity. Maybe “it’s an ability that heals status effects from time to time” would help? Or maybe you could say “the ability allows Swablu to heal status effects”? Or maybe try a simple “it heals status effects”? You’ve definitely got a lot of options, so play around with these and other ways of working out the sentence and see what you come up with.

Nidoran was getting bored of the constant interruptions, a light red aura began I to develop around Nidoran.

In this case, you may want to replace “Nidoran” with a different word. Right now, while it’s pretty nifty (on a legit and serious level) that you’ve got some butterflying going on with the paragraph beginning and ending with the same word, that tends to read awkwardly to an audience member because both uses of “Nidoran” are in distinctive spots so close together. Also because of that, the second Nidoran sounds a little redundant because not only did you use it so soon before then, but also, its position calls attention to itself. Replacing it with a simple “him” might help work out that awkwardness.

There’s also a rogue I in here, but the only advice I can say about that one is probably be careful when you proofread.

'Neeeee!' Nidoran shouted as his body focused on Swablu.

So one of the crits you’ve gotten already was that your description could use work, and on a level, that’s a valid bit of crit. While the other attacks up until this point were okay (even if they were short), this one gets a bit confusing. See, Focus Energy works by upping a Pokémon’s critical hit ratio. Everyone pretty much knows that. But the one thing that causes a lot of people trouble is understanding that writing attacks like stat boosters, status boosters, and so forth involves connecting the attack to a visual. In this case, the end result you want to get is an increase in Nidoran’s power. You want to portray Nidoran as being stronger or landing stronger hits because, well, that’s what Focus Energy does. So in order to work with this move successfully, you’ll need to work backwards. You’ve already asked yourself what you want that move to do in the end (i.e., what effect you want it to have). The next step is asking yourself how you go about illustrating that Nidoran’s power has increased, and the step after that is figuring out what Nidoran actually does to use the move.

Now, what you do for Focus Energy depends completely on your interpretation of the move. Some people like to think it’s exactly what it says on the tin – as in, it’s a move where the user focuses their minds on their next move or tenses up to land a stronger hit. Others go with the anime’s description of the move by having the user focus their energy into an aura around them, and that aura adds an extra metaphorical kick to the next move they use. Point is, think about what result you want Focus Energy to have. If you want to go with the “user tenses their body” idea, think about how Nidoran’s body is constructed and describe how he moves to use the move. Maybe describe him crouching lower to the ground or his muscles bulging slightly or his eyes narrowing as his claws dig into the ground – any of those would be good jumping off points.

But back to the main idea, the reason why I say it’s confusing right now is because describing attacks tends to be a very sensual process. As in, writing a battle usually involves a lot of detail that covers multiple senses at a time because the reader is, put simply, not you. Think of your story – scene, what-have-you – as a blank canvas. You may have this really brilliant idea in your head, but that won’t mean much to the people looking at your canvas until you paint something. At that point, you have two choices. You can either put in a lot of detail to make your painting as close to the image in your head as possible, or you can skimp on details and not get the image you had in mind at all. The downside to doing the latter is that the only bit about the image in your head that the audience can get is what’s on the canvas. We can’t see inside your mind and piece together what you actually meant. If you just draw a stick figure when you meant to paint the Mona Lisa, we’re going to see the stick figure, not the Mona Lisa. Of course, an audience can’t expect you to deliver all of the details or write mind-blowing description all the time, but it’s definitely, definitely a good idea to give your drawing a face, a body, and so on – just enough to allow us to look at your work and realize that, yeah, you meant the Mona Lisa.

Writing’s very similar, except it’s probably less forgiving about skimpy details because we don’t really get visuals like you would in art. So when you don’t give us the right details and the right amount of them at a time, we’re not going to see the scene you want us to see. We’ll just see blank spaces where things should go, and that in turn means it’s harder for us to become excited by your battles or attached to the mood you’re setting or so forth. So you have to be careful about details, plain and simple.

‘Course, if the confusion here is that you’re uncertain whether or not the detail you’re putting into your story is too much, then here’s a quick tip. If the detail isn’t going to be important in some way (even if it’s just that a character interacts with a background object) in your story, don’t include it. However, attacks normally are completely important to the scene, so... yeah. More is more in their case.

If it helps, I would actually recommend hitting up Bulbapedia for attack descriptions if you can. Not only do they have extremely detailed articles that go over what the attack is supposed to do as well as flavor text to give you some vague idea of what they are, but it also boasts a full usage dex of each move, including image examples of the move in action. Focus Energy, for example. Consult Bulbapedia (again, if it loads for you, which is something they’ve been working on for years, so you should be fine) and consider using what you learn about the move you want to use as a jumping-off point for a description of what that attack looks like.

Swablu gracefully flew through the air echoing a lullaby so dreamy Jay began to rub his curious little eyes.

You have a tendency to describe Jay’s eyes as curious, which... might not be appropriate in every situation. You can say it when he’s actually expressing curiosity, sure, but in this example, it just sounds a bit odd because he’s sleepy, not curious. (And given the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable in the Pokémon universe to have electric violet or sea green eyes, Jay’s eyes are probably not the other definition of curious either.)

Putting it in general terms, try to be very conscious about when you use descriptors. Not every word works in every situation, so be aware of what that word means both literally and in terms of connotation (tone, implied meaning, and so forth). In other words, think carefully about the way people actually use that word and ask yourself whether or not it fits your sentence based on that. Sort of like what I was saying earlier about finding a dictionary and Googling words.

Otherwise, you end up with a description that actually is a little confusing itself because we’re left to wonder why Jay is curious right now.

Nidoran was trying to fight of the hypnosis and charged for Swablu but before he could attack he feel to floor, snoring and dreaming.

Definitely be a bit more careful with proofreading. It’s very easy to miss a word that’s being used in the wrong context. For example, “feel” is spelled correctly, so you’ll never notice it with a spell checker. However, if you read each word you write carefully (and maybe out loud), you’d probably be able to pick up on it. Probably, in any case.

(Incidentally, the same thing goes with the word “were” a few lines from this point. You mean “where,” but it’s easy to typo that and not realize it because a spell checker wouldn’t pick up a word used in the wrong context. So, your only means of weeding the were/where confusion out is through proofreading carefully.)

If it also helps, don’t proofread your work immediately after finishing a chapter. You’ll have writer’s bias if you do. (Meaning, you already know what should be there, so you’re more likely to miss errors that you’d easily catch if you were reading someone else’s story.) Instead, wait at least a day before trying. That way, you approach your chapter with a slightly fresher outlook long after the excitement of finishing a chapter has worn off, so you’re actually a step closer to seeing your work from the eyes of your audience.

Besides that, I feel like you should drop “was” and trade in “trying” for “tried.” The reason why is because of “charged.” It’s an action verb that comes after a conjunction, so you’ll want another action verb before the conjunction to match it. That way, your sentence reads a bit more naturally.

Murdock's face started to glow,

It’s rather difficult to picture this. I mean, I’m not saying I think he’s literally glowing or anything (although that would be cool because yay superpowers), but it’s just a rather strange way of putting it. Sure, people can be positively glowing with happiness, but it’s not just their face that’s glowing. Meanwhile, a person’s face can practically glow bright red, but that’s a sign of embarrassment, not happiness.

So in short, you may need to be very careful about how you word your descriptions. Remember that clarity is key. You can be poetic, but don’t sacrifice meaning for poetry.

'Ok!

Believe it or not, “ok” is slang and a bit too informal for use in writing. It’d be like using “u” in place of “you” in a fic. For that reason, you’ll actually want to write out the whole word (“okay”).

Murdock began to get excited, jumping up and down and waving his flimsy arms,

Okay, so to help you out, I’ve isolated this part. Reading through it, do you notice how this is actually its own standalone sentence? That’s how you can tell whether or not something is a dialogue tag. If you said “Murdock said,” that wouldn’t make sense on its own because “said” needs to be coupled with a line of dialogue, but you can have an entire sentence like this, one that doesn’t describe who’s saying something and how they’re saying it, and that would be a complete sentence, not a tag.

I hope that made a bit of sense. Feel free to ask if I’ve worded it a bit confusingly. b)’’)b

He shouted

By contrast, you’ve got this phrase, which doesn’t really mean anything by itself until you tell us what he shouted (unless you’re saying he’s shouting incomprehensibly). For that reason, you actually need to keep the first word of this lowercase to hook it to the quote.

'what'd ya think?'

Isolating this one as a better example too. See, when you deal with stuff inside quotation marks, you need to capitalize it like it’s its own sentence. (Punctuation’s a different matter as I’ve explained earlier, but caps is pretty consistent.) That means that if you’re writing the beginning of a sentence, it should be capitalized, even if it comes after a dialogue tag that ends with a comma. Why? Because for all intents and purposes, it’s a full sentence to the person speaking. While the comma signals to a reader that the tag is linked to the quote, the capitalization shows a reader what the speaker perceives as being the contents of the quote, if that makes sense.

him and Jay awaited to hear more.

The thing is about pronouns is that if you have a subject, then the pronoun in that phrase has to be a subject pronoun. Putting it another way, take away “and Jay” in this sentence. Notice how you have “him awaited to hear more”? Doesn’t quite sound right, right? So you have to swap out “him” for “he” so that the sentence sounds better.

Same thing could be said for any other sentence, really. If you have a conjunction followed by a pronoun, take a look at everything after the conjunction by itself. If it makes sense to say “him” or “her” in that phrase, use “him” or “her.” If not, then chances are you actually need a subject pronoun (he, she, they, and so forth) instead.

'Grounds types are special I many ways,'

Remember to be very careful about proofreading. For example, because you use the plural “types,” you don’t need to make “ground” plural because that’s an adjective. It’s telling the reader that it’s not just any type you’re talking about; it’s the ground type.

Likewise, proofreading carefully will help you weed out errors you could probably catch yourself, like the “I” instead of “in” here.

in a way that no thee Pokemon can.'

Same thing here. I can tell you’re writing quickly (and that’s okay because if I’m going quickly, my keyboard sometimes misses keystrokes too) because you use “thee” instead of “other.” “Thee” is unfortunately a real word, so spell check won’t pick up on it. So for that reason, you have to be very careful in scouring your work word by word to pick up errors yourself.

around they backstreet taking in its beauty.

I’ll probably say this again in my general review, but the reason why you need to gun for as clean grammar is for clarity’s sake. Granted, no one’s perfect when it comes to language, but when you don’t be very careful when you proofread (or get a beta to help you look over your fic), you could produce errors that actually confuse the reader or make it harder to get through a scene. For example, in this line, I had to read the sentence a couple of times over until I realized you probably meant “around the backstreet, taking in its beauty.” Without mentally rewording your narration for you, the sentence seemed awkward and difficult to understand.

One thing to keep in mind is that fanfiction isn’t just a hobby for you. It’s also a hobby for the readers too. When they come to a fanfic, they want to be able to enjoy it. And while some people can enjoy a fic that’s loaded with errors (as I’ve mentioned earlier), it’s really easier to enjoy one that’s as clean as you can get it. Think of your story like a road in the country. If the story is free of errors, the pavement is smooth, and the people driving along it can enjoy the scenery. However, each error you leave in your fic is like another bump or pothole. If you have one or two, a lot of people won’t mind – might even take it to be rather normal. If you have several, some people start to get uneasy. And if you have a lot, then the people driving along the road will only be able to focus on the pavement instead of the scenery around them.

Your goal as a writer is not only to tell a story but also to present it in a way that’s easy for a reader to jump onto. You want to make sure your road is as fixed up as possible so the reader can focus on the scenery instead of the pavement. You can’t really expect them to get out and patch up the road for you, so it’s all on you.

So in short, I know making these corrections might be tedious, but in the long run, it’s a good idea to fix up your fic anyway and to exercise good grammar because you want your reader to focus more on your story than your grammar.

quite intimidated my the stocky bloke.

Try not to use slang in your narration (i.e., everything outside of quotes). Bloke is one of those terms; it creates an incredibly informal feel to your narration because you only really only hear that word from a very specific type of person. (I don’t want to say “English stereotype” because that’s not kind, but to an American, that’s what automatically comes to mind.) While you don’t want your writing to be overly formal, you’ll also want to avoid having it become too informal because the informality makes it harder for a reader to take what you have to say seriously.

'Well you're look at this cities gym leader!

It almost feels like you’re running into a lot of problems you can definitely solve yourself. For example, I’m sure that I don’t actually have to point out the fact that there’s a tense issue and a possessive issue, and you might be able to figure it out on your own if you reread your sentence carefully – maybe even read it out loud to hear what it sounds like. That’s a lot of the reason why I’m not pointing out every error, especially from here on out. I’m sure you can take care of a number of these yourself; you just have to be a bit more careful in tackling proofreading because, like I said earlier, not doing so may cause your story to become filled with distractions for the reader (read: errors).

Klement tugged on his jacket, showing respect and authority to the two trainers.

*headtilt* Not sure how that gesture would get respect and authority across. Usually, it’s a sign of confidence, not so much respect.

in soon became clear that you couldn't really tell if Klement was being serious or not.

Minor issues aside, try replacing “you” with “they.” The reason why is because we can’t tell... because we’re not there. So saying that we can’t doesn’t mean much either way because, well, our opinion doesn’t really count. However, you can say Jay and Murdock can’t tell, and that would make sense on two levels. First, they’re there, so they would be able to form that kind of opinion. Second, you had them react earlier in the paragraph anyway, so this part of the sentence feels like it’s actually describing why they were squinting and Klement.

Murdock and Jay's fake laughter soon died.

...

Don’t use an ellipsis in the narration to show awkward silence. It tends to be awkward in itself in ways a writer doesn’t really intend because it comes across as a lazier form of actually describing the silence. Not saying that you’re lazy. Just saying that, considering this isn’t dialogue, you should try to avoid using characters like these in place of actual lines of narration. Saying, “A long, awkward pause ensued” gives the reader a concrete image, so it’s more powerful than just summing it up in an ellipsis.

That and it tends to have the same effect as using smileys instead of describing someone’s expression. It’s perfectly fine in chats or very informal writing, but it’s less okay outside of those.

(Note: This review got to be a bit on the lengthy side, so the last part of it is in a separate post.)

**JX Valentine** · 9th February 2013, 9:16 PM

So after all of that, I think it’s safe to say that the most issues you have here are grammatical ones. Sure, that seems like nitpicking, but like I said earlier, those kinds of issues can be massive distractions for the reader. It’s very important to proofread your work carefully and remove as many grammatical errors as possible so you can help the reader focus on the story itself, rather than the bumps along the way. Some of the issues even resulted in strange, jarring phrasing or rather confusing sentences (as I’ve noted above), so cleaning up those errors will not only help remove distractions but also clarify and tighten your work. If absolutely necessary, you could get a beta, but I’d highly recommend going through your fic carefully and thoroughly by yourself before consulting someone else. A lot of the errors you made seem to be typos, not so much errors that can be fixed by teaching you something new about how the language works. (Although, yeah, brushing up on comma rules might be a good idea.)

If it helps, think of your fic like a paper you’d write in school. That isn’t to say you need to write something boring. It’s just to say that if you want your work to be as clear and distraction-free as possible, it may be a good idea to pretend that your teacher or fellow students will be reading it and looking at the grammar. Yes, it’s a good idea to keep the audience in mind either way because, well, when you post your fic in public, you’re pretty much doing it for an audience, not just yourself.

In terms of the plot, it was... okay. I have to admit a lot of the time, I was distracted by the delivery, so I couldn’t really appreciate the rest of the story as much as you probably would have wanted me to. Still, it was okay. Not exactly something that would suit my fancy, although given that it’s a straight-up trainer fic in a new region, that’s probably why. See, it plays out a lot like a standard new trainer fic. It’s about Jay going around, earning badges, not really taking many risks. There really isn’t even that much of an antagonistic force from what I can tell. It’s just a kid with a tea-drinking quirky best friend doing things. I mean, looking back on a lot of the chapters, nothing really sticks out for me. This one was just about Murdock catching a Nidoran. The one before it was about Clarissa, Gertrude, Jay, and Murdock battling and trying to catch someone else’s Charmander. The one before that was about the gang getting lost in a cave. So really, there’s no real consistent plot other than “Jay travels through this region and does trainer things.”

The reason why that’s dangerous is because the anime and a fanfiction are two different things. The anime can get away with boiling its plot down to just that because it’s a visual medium – as in, its entire point is to show a viewer what the Pokémon universe is like, and it does that by literally showing a viewer what the Pokémon universe is like. Even then, it’s full of subplots, so it always feels like there’s something happening (even in the filler episodes... in Best Wishes anyway). A fanfic is a different story because it reads like a book, not a show, even if you wanted it to read like a show. Every chapter needs to push some kind of plot forward, even the filler chapters where not much happens compared to the ones that surround it. However, if you don’t have much of a plot, it feels like the wheels are turning, but the car isn’t going. As in, it feels like you’re not really getting anywhere at all.

Besides the grammatical issues, I feel like that’s one of the bigger obstacles this fic is facing. It doesn’t really have much of a plot besides “Jay does stuff as a trainer.” That isn’t to say it’s bad or that it won’t float someone else’s boat (because there’s a lot of people who like trainer fics because they’re trainer fics, not because they have a massive plot or anything). That’s more to say it feels like every chapter is a tiny, practically isolated incident that doesn’t really add to the overall picture, and as a result, it feels like the plot is moving slower than it actually is.

Another odd thing I noticed is that the descriptions were hit and miss. Sometimes, you had beautiful descriptions (like the one of the sunset). Others, like the description of Focus Energy, were... a bit lacking. There were even others that just felt a mite odd, like describing the stone pathway as standing still (or “Murdock’s nutshell eyes” – which is odd because I'm legit trying to figure out what about eyes are hard and woody -- or of varying shades of everything, considering nutshells tend to come in a variety of colors). And that I think is something that can partly be solved by employing the same advice I gave to you concerning single and double quotes: be consistent. If you’re going to be very descriptive with your attacks (or write down exactly what you have in mind – or as close to what you have in mind as possible), go for it. Just don’t skimp out on other parts that would require the same amount of detail. For example, if you describe one attack that isn’t significant to the plot, don’t skimp out on the details of another attack.

But really, your main issue here is just that you’ll want to pay a bit more attention to your writing during the proofreading stages. Read your work aloud, read it backwards, read it more than once – just do something to slow yourself down and read carefully. If you can just clean up the bits that you’d be able to catch yourself, that would probably help the rest of your work to shine through a bit more and make more of an impression on a reader than it is right now.

Tl;dr, your work isn’t the worst I’ve read (and isn't even really that bad underneath all of the grammatical quirks), but it could definitely be better. And you can most certainly get it to be better too.

Good luck!

**~~lucypendrix~~** · 15th February 2013, 9:15 PM

4,5 and 6 were great chapters Lady!

my favourite is chapter four though, the description was beautiful in that chapter and Blanca is a great gym leader with an elegant personality, I love how you are building your characters, the recurring butler is just great
Damien's introduction was fab I love how you've already decided which pokemon suit each trainer and for that you don't disappoint just like larvitar for Amelia and Drowzee for Damien especially Swablu and Gastly for their respective trainers, everything just fits so well. The only one I can't decide on is which eeveelution Eevee will revolve into, I know you'll probably come up with something heart though.

A cliffhanger eh? Time to begin reading again

**LadyLady** · 16th February 2013, 6:30 PM

omg jxvalentine thank you so much, the grammar errors are something I need to work on I know but it's just I personally prefer to deliver a story not just a piece of writing that's flawless, like grammar isn't something I personally care that much about especially when you reviewers are telling me things that I have never heard or cared about. I don't mean to sound ungrateful it's just grammar is not a priority to me but of course I will definitely try and work on it absolutely thank you so much for that review

)

Lucy you are great

**~~lucypendrix~~** · 16th February 2013, 7:21 PM

7, 8 and 9!

you know ive actually read the whole thing but i just cant be bothered to put it all into one huge essay lol

7 - i cant get over how great clarissa is, seriously! Gloom fits her personality as its a kinda' sinister pokemon and its also elegant. High mentinence is how i would decribe the pair, seeing clarissa with something other than gastly was nice too. The decription in the battle between magby and larvitar was lovely especially in chapter 6 really good well done.

8 - This is were it all becomes abit interesting! The story youve come up with is fascinating, truly remarkable im in love as ho-oh is one of my favourites and its never had any special appreciation

Ive noticed this is were Murdock and Jay start to bond and its great cause in about ten chapters time theyre gunna be like best friends but yet they dont know it aw i just find it cute thats all haha. The 7 deadly sins is an interesting concept and i really want to know why Alexis is looking for the weapons, i mean she obviously wants to lure ho-oh back, or maybe hes still there but i cant help feeling shes decieving her gang and doing it for much more interesting reasons

Overall brilliant chapter!

9 - now lexy is my kinf of villain, stuck up and as we see in later chapters usually all mouth her development is going to be great i assume (i also need to know how she knows clarissa!) i like the fact your introducing the executives one at a time so we as the readers can get a nice opinion of them, i dont know why but i love viallians so you must make these the best ever ok, Mareep? i think this is a safe choice, i dont know i can picture Jay with Mareep perfectly it totally goes with his hero like zeal but i would of prefered something more risky and different, like tangela lol or aipom or sebleye or something i dont know but yes it was a great chapter Lady!

**JX Valentine** · 17th February 2013, 2:29 AM

Originally Posted by LadyLady

omg jxvalentine thank you so much, the grammar errors are something I need to work on I know but it's just I personally prefer to deliver a story not just a piece of writing that's flawless, like grammar isn't something I personally care that much about especially when you reviewers are telling me things that I have never heard or cared about. I don't mean to sound ungrateful it's just grammar is not a priority to me but of course I will definitely try and work on it absolutely thank you so much for that review

)

Tl;dr version of this post: Yeah, I know grammar and proofreading is a pain in the ***, but trust me. Getting things as grammatically clean as you possibly can will help your readers to get into your story because they'll have an easier time getting through each chapter (without the distractions that are odd bits of wording and grammatical missteps).

Long version: Well, like I said, the problem with that is that the grammar is a huge distraction. The more errors you have in a story, the harder it is for a reader to decipher what you're trying to say -- and there were parts of your fic that I had to read through multiple times in order to understand because of odd wording or incorrect punctuation. As you can probably tell, my review wound up being more about grammar than plot or characterization, and it's not because I'm more of a grammatical reviewer. It's just that's what made an impression on me, super-unfortunately. That looks like what happened with some of your other reviewers, which is why they wound up getting frustrated. So to make your story shine through, we've been giving you tips on how to polish away the rust marks, so to speak.

See, the thing is that there's multiple layers to delivering a story, not just presenting a plot and characterization. Presentation is key when you're a writer. The easier you make your work to read, the easier it is for you to get that story across, but the more errors you introduce in your work, the harder it is for the reader to get through. That's why all writers go through at least one proofreading stage before they present their work to the public: to smooth out those bumps that would make it harder for the reader to get into your story.

Also take into consideration this: because a story with few grammatical errors is easier to read than one with many, a reader will most likely prefer the first kind of story (one with few errors) to the second (one with many). So it wouldn't matter if you delivered a good story or not if your grammar isn't up to par. Your readers will likely want to hit the back button and gun for something a bit easier on the eyes. There's of course a few exceptions. Some people will read their friends' fics regardless of quality level, others read fics that aren't clean of grammatical quirks for the wrong reasons (namely because they like to laugh at it), and others genuinely don't care, but the point is that if you really want to get that story across for all the right reasons to everyone, you'll want to make sure your grammar is clean from chapter one to ensure you catch people before they hit the back button and head to another thread.

So... yeah. While grammar might be the nuts and bolts of your fic, it's really the nuts and bolts that hold everything together and help all the parts form a coherent whole. Sure, you might not have known or cared about a lot of what we've been telling you, but that's what reviewers are here for: to help you learn and give you tips on how to make some of this stuff second nature to you (so you don't notice when you do something correctly). The best course of action is to listen to your reviewers regardless of your opinion about grammar and try to your best to implement a lot of what they're trying to say. They're really not trying to attack your story; they're trying to help you sort things out so that your readers can focus on the story you're trying to deliver, not the grammatical issues.

Good luck, though.

**~~lucypendrix~~** · 17th February 2013, 10:51 PM

10 - Training At Route One - not much happened in this chapter however it's great you're actually doing a chapter that focuses on training however you don't need to do this for me personally as I don't really care for this like training could be done off screen or if something spectacular happens idk

11 - Vs Blanca: The Lullaby Gym Leader - ohhh what a great gym battle Blanca is amazing her gracefull character and her style of Pokemon is perfect for this. The 'lullaby' gym leader is cute as well you've already giver her a nice trait which is great, Mareep was how I expected and Magby is just the best tbh

12 - An Official Introduction To The Grey Lady - now this is interesting! The grey lady or Alexis is such a b***h lol I love her, she really caress for Pokemon too which is odd it makes me wonder what her eventual goal is especially as she's clearly tracking down the weapons, I'm assuming the weapons are mapped on paintings of each of the sins, and it's great because in earlier chapter you mentioned she was a master art thief ah I love. Hatter is a cool guy, I like how he does magic I did predict mr.mime however since I already know they all have steel types my dreams were crushed. Haha ill review he rest later well done lady!

**~~lucypendrix~~** · 20th February 2013, 10:23 PM

13 - Whiye Road - I loved this chapter not too sure why I guess cus mawihle haha she's cool the convo between Jay and Murdock tho! TEABAGS! hahaha I love him <3 <3
14 - Paragon Cave; Curiosity Killed The Granbull - granbull is a great addition to Murdock's team he's just great and matches his characteristics. Lexy and hatters relationship is extreme I wanna know what that's about! As well as Clarissa and Lexy knowing each other
15 - Paragon Cave; Granbull and Gertrude - Gertrude is cute aw she's strong too I wonder if she's stronger than Clarissa? That would be a cool match up? Camerupt is great for her too you pick thebpokemon really good haha

**LadyLady** · 21st February 2013, 12:39 AM

Chapter 18; Vs Klement: The Earth Shattering Gym Leader

'Wake up Jay!' Murdock shouted as he hung from the top bunk like a Primape, 'you get up now please!'

Jay felt the cotton and silk being swept away from his desired body, he attempted to grasp his duvet but Murdock had already thrown on the other side of the temporary room.

'Hahahahaha! Oh my.'

Jay awoke, conscious and fully aware that Murdock was getting enjoyment from his Slakoth inspired pyjamas. Jay folded his limber arms and pulled a serious yet comical face.

'They're comfy and 100% Sinnoh cotton, duh.'

'Haha ok, anyway you need to get up you have a gym match today for goodness sake, pull yourself together boy!'

Jay looked extremely confused, 'yeah, right. So, um, what about you?'

Murdock's bushy eyebrows lifted, expecting the sentence to carry on.

'Aren't you participating in the gym battle?'

'No way! I have three Pokemon now!'

Jay squinted his eyes, expecting Murdock to carry on this time.

'Oh my did you not attend trainer school? Well only the gym leader can decide how many Pokemon we must use during a gym match, and since I have three I will have to use three, you feel me?'

Jay just blinked his confused eyelids.

'Well I've only just caught Nidoran, therefore it will most likely be a three on three, and since Nidoran hasn't had that much training and Granbull is the laziest Pokemon the world has ever come across i will most probably lose' Murdock pulled a funny attempt at a sad face.

'I only won against Blanca because it was one on one, you see?'

Jay took some time decoding what Murdock had just said, 'three on three, Murdock, Blanca, cup of tea, one on one, oh right! Yes! I completely understand!'

Murdock frowned at Jay, in a joking kind of way however.

Murdock and Jay left the cozy Pokemon centre and headed west to were the gym was apparently located, according to Jay. The cities buildings were as vintage as Murdock's rucksack, the group slowly came towards a small arrangement of flowers were a young girl was meditating. The odour of tulips swiftly enveloped Jay's nostrils, the freshness emerged from the silky flowers that the young girl was situated on, crushing a few with her bottom actually.

'Whats she doing?' Jay whispered to Murdock, covering his mouth with his hands.

'I don't know...'

'We should, like, totally make her jump!'

'I can hear you.' The girl said, as she began to get up stretching her arms and legs.

The girl slowly turned around, her swan white hair blowing in the wind as she turned.

Jay and Murdock made eye contact with the bountiful girl, well only with one of her eyes as the other was covered by her hair.

'Amelia!' Jay shouted as he ran over to greet her.

'Jay, Murdock! How are you guys!' Amelia gracefully said excited about seeing the group.

'We're great actually!' Jay shouted extremely loudly, 'oh sorry haha, I'm just so excited to see you!'

Murdock was wondering why, why would Jay be so excited to see Amelia? Did he fancy her? That must be it he thought, he fancies her! 'I cracked the puzzle, inspector Murdy to the rescue!'

Murdock didn't realise at the time but as he was thinking about his conspiracy he was waving his arms around, jumping up and down and smiling to himself ridiculously.

Jay and Amelia just stared at him wondering what the hell he was doing.

'Anyway,' Amelia said, ' what are you guys up to?'

'Oh, we'll actually I was just about to go challenge the gym.'

Amelia smiled, 'oh really? Hoping you'd get a badge like this?'

Amelia pulled out her velvet badge case and opened it to show Jay the shiny badges she had already obtained. Jay noticed Blanca's 'general' badge that was white with transparent circles that gave the badge it's round shape and there was another one.

'The terrain badge!' Amelia said.

The badge was a milky brown with black stripes covering its triangular shape, both badges glistened as Jay stared at them. Amelia shut her badge case and quickly popped it into her brown denim hand bag.

'Wow that's amazing Amelia!' Jay shouted.

'Aw Jay you're too kind, but listen that's not the best part!'

Jay was wondering what could be better than having a gym badge that could potentially allow you to enter the Henzo league.

'Listen, if a challenger wins, Klement usually gives them a Pokemon egg!'

'No way!?'

'Yes way! Look!'

Amelia pulled a blue and red Pokemon egg from her bag and let Jay inspect it.

'Wow, this is crazy, any idea of what the Pokemon is?'

'No idea, I mean Klement has loads of Pokemon that he trains, and he's also in charge of the Pokemon daycare, it could be anything, although I've heard they're always ground types and that he always gives the trainer a Pokemon that suits them well!'

'Thats incredible, do you want to come watch me have my battle, oh and do you want to have a battle, and also what new Pokemon have you captured since, have any got stronger!?'

'Haha, calm down Jay, I would love to come watch you but I have to meet someone at Sewer Tunnel, otherwise I would, also, you can see my Pokemon when we next meet, I promise we will have a battle.'

Amelia winked at Jay before she elegantly brushed past him, 'bye Murdock.'

However Murdock was too consumed in his conspiracy to notice Amelia.

'Murdock,' Jay bellowed, 'it's time...'

Murdock just stared at Jay, 'hahahaha, you serious? Ok, whatever lets go!'

As they both travelled further down the grey stone paths they soon came to a construction site full of sky high sepia cranes, and a huge office type building in the centre. The words 'GYM' dangled from one of the cranes nearer to the building, murky brown doors were at the entrance, situated in front of shabby wood that made the building what it was.

'I guess this is it then.'

'I guess so,' Murdock added, 'could definitely do with a paint job though.'

The pair made their way into the construction site and knocked on the ancient door, it creaked open inviting them both in.

Jay and Murdock walked through the door only to see a steel elevator before them, they both entered with caution as the building itself didn't even look remotely safe. Only one button titled 'down' was available to press.

'I guess it's this one!' Murdock said excitedly as he rushed to press it.

'Wai-'

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The elevator practically fell, zooming downwards Jay and Murdock latched onto each other, scared of the creaky ride.

The elevator landed, blowing dust particles upwards onto Jay and Murdock's face.

'Eurgh! This definitely needs a seatbelt or two!'

'I totally agree, Murdy'

The elevator doors pierced open, introducing a rocky battle field. Jay and Murdock were in awe, it was a rough and disturbing sight but at the same time unintentionally beautiful.

They could both notice Klement polishing some of the edgy rocks in the battle field, they quickly made their way over.

'Hey!' Jay shouted.

Klement looked up, still scrubbing the solid stone with his left hand, 'good day boys!?'

'Im here for a gym battle, Klement?'

'Haha! Of course you are!'

Klement stood tall, swiftly putting his table cloth in his dirty trouser pocket.

'Shall we begin?' He asked.

'Its gunna start right now? I best go get a good view!' Murdock squealed as he ran to the stands excitedly.

Klement observed Murdock as he ran to the stadium seats.

'Ha!' Jay awkwardly shouted, a bit embarrassed.

'Right!? Ermmm... Orella?' Klement shouted.

Jay looked at Klement confused, 'my sister,' Klement whispered.

A chubby dark toned girl arose from the stands, she slowly began to walk towards Klement and Jay, scratching her tummy as she waddled. Thick muddy brown plats dangled from her square head to her abstract hips, a devilish smile accompanied her denim suspenders and jet black leather jacket.

Murdock's mouth dropped, infatuated by her presence from the other side of the stadium.

'She's gonna referee, you see,' Klement informed Jay.

Jay just nodded his head, then turned and slowly walked to his side of the pitch.

'Ok! Heh,' Orella shouted!

'Whaaaaat!?' Murdock shouted, unclear of what Orella was saying.

Klement sighed, he knew it was hard to understand Orella with her mumbled tone and her excessive need to end every sentence with 'heh.'

'Lets just begin?!' Klement shouted, ' alright! Vibrava my pride! I choose you!'

Klement released his Pokemon on to the battle pitch, a small lizard like insect flapped its emerald wings swiftly and buzzed through the air.

'Wow, that's fast! Ok, umm... Go, Mareep!' Jay threw his capsule into the air, plasmatic energy traveled to the ground revealing Jay's most recent addition to his team.

'Maaaaaa!' Mareep roared, ready to battle.

'I didn't even say begin? Heh, heh,'

'Whaaaaaat?' Murdock shouted to Orella.

'Mareep's an interesting choice Jay,' Klement said, scratching his murky hair.

'Whys that?'

'Somethings are best learnt by the trainer.'

'Heh,' Orella mumbled.

'Alrighty then, Mareep tackle attack!'

'Vibrava, dodge! Then use dragon breath!'

'Bra!' Vibrava replied.

Mareep galloped towards vibrava who was in mid air, awaiting the head on collision. However just as Mareep was about to hit the miniature dragon Vibrava flew up, as fast a the eye could blink and countered from high in the stadium with dragon breath.

'Viiiiiiiiiii!'

Violet plasma emerged from Vibrava's wide mouth and rapidly landed a direct hit on Mareep who went flying in the air.

'Mareep!' Jay screamed, panicking.

Mareep crashed onto the rocky floor, hurt pretty bad.

'You must take as many strategies into consideration when you fight Jay, now Vibrava! Sand tomb!'

'Oh no! Quickly Mareep, get up and use thunder shock!'

Mareep stood up, clearly affected by the fall.

'Reeeeeep!' She yelled as she let off her electrifying thunder.

Thunder shock travelled straight towards Vibrava who was awaiting the attack only two feet away from the injured Mareep. The electricity hit Vibrava however he just shook it off and attacked with sand tomb. Small sand particles began to form around Vibrava who then pushed it towards Mareep and locked her in, getting hit by countless minuscule rocks.

'Maaaaaa!' Mareep squealed in pain.

'What!?' Jay shouted, angry and confused.

'Electric attacks have no effect on ground types Jay, really?' Klement patronisingly told him.

'Jheez,' Murdock mumbled under his breath, 'everyone knows that.'

'Now Vibrava! Finish this with sonic boom!'

Vibrava flapped her wings and quickly flew directly above the sand tomb were Mareep was trapped.

'Braaaaavaaaaa!' He roared as gushes of sharp wind gushed downwards into the sand tomb, magnifying its power.

'Mareep?' Jay shouted.

The sand cleared, introducing a fainted Mareep.

'Mareep is unable to battle, heh, Klement and Vibrava win!'

'Mareep!' Jay shouted as he ran over to his Pokemon, comforting her. 'Return Mareep, you did your best.'

Jay walked back to his side, 'ok Klement, you win this round but this match has just began! Go Eevee!'

Jay released his second Pokemon, Eevee, who pranced around the battle field teasing Klement and Vibrava.

'Vee!' She growled with a cocky tone.

'We have a show off do we? Haha! Vibrava sand attack!'

'You too Eevee, counter with sand attack!'

The two Pokemon both hurled sand at each other, causing a collision of sand in the middle of the field.

'Quickly Vibrava! Sonic boom! And make sure it goes through the sand!'

Before anyone had any time to think Vibrava released his powerful wind attack, the gush went straight through the middle of the collision and carried over the sand with the sonic boom, landing a direct hit on Eevee.

'What!?' Jay mumbled, 'no way, Eevee has practically taken a sonic boom and two sand attacks!?'

'Braaa!' Vibrava growled as he rapidly flew around the arena.

'Vibrava! Dragon breath!'

The sand and dust had just cleared away, and Eevee was already brutally damaged, nether the less a powerful plasmatic dragon breath was incoming.

'Eevee dodge it!' Jay quickly shouted.

'Eeeeeee!' Eevee cried as it was too late, the static energy had landed a direct hit and Eevee flew across the field, impacting on the harsh ground.

'Eevee is unable to battle! Klement wins heh!' Orella shouted from the sidelines.

'Orella! What you on about!' Murdock shouted back, however he just got ignored.

'Return Eevee! You tried your hardest!' Jay whispered, 'I have one Pokemon left, but he won't let me down! Come on out, Magby!

Jay released his last Pokemon, his only hope of ever coming out of this gym with a gym badge.

'Magby eh? What a cool Pokemon,' Klement replied, 'not as cool as Vibrava though!'

'Viii!' Vibrava replied cheerfully.

'Maaaaaa!' Magby interrupted, blowing smog from his mouth.

'Haha! That's the spirit Magby! Now come on! Ember attack!'

'Vibrava, sonic boom!'

Magby spewed sizzling flames from his gaping mouth, whilst Vibrava unleashed his mighty sonic boom travelling at sonic speeds through the air. Both attacks collided, causing a flaming collision once more.

'Va!' Vibrava replied to the collision.

'Ma!' Magby replied to the cocky Vibrava.

Both Pokemon locked on to each other, creating an envious rivalry.

'Magby, use leer!' Jay commanded.

'Vibrava! Quickly now, dragon breath!'

Whist Magby took position to attack, he was no match for Vibrava's speed. Dragon breath was already upon Magby landing a direct hit and shooting Magby across the pitch.

'No way,' Murdock mumbled from the sidelines.

'Byyyyy!' Magby cried, attempting to get up but just couldn't, static surrounded the flaming Pokemon.

'Magby!?'

'He's paralysed Jay, which is um...' Klement searched his brain for the right word, 'it's um, unfortunate. Now Vibrava, sand tomb!'

Vibrava once again began to cast sand around its body forming lots of it, he then hurled the sand at Magby at which it enveloped him, like a cocoon.

'I don't know what to do!?' Jay mumbled.

'Finish this Vibrava! Sonic boom!'

'BRAAAVAAAA!'

Vibrava created his windy attack from his gaping mouth and hurled the attack straight for the sand tomb, impacting greatly as it was like a hurricane had just hit a desert. The sand particles and Magby flew upwards, eventually falling and colliding with rock hard ground.

'No!!' Jay shouted as he watched Magby hit the floor.

'Magby is heh, unable to battle heh, The match is over! Klement wins heh!' Orella announced, tugging on her suspenders.

'That was harsh man,' Murdock said to himself from the sidelines, 'a cuppa is most definitely in order!'

**dirkac** · 21st February 2013, 2:53 AM

... Congratulations Jay! Your first loss!

Anyway, I thought Vibrava was depicted very well. It was a surprise that Jay actually knew it was a ground type instead of a Bug Type though :P

I wonder what's inside Amelia's egg... Red and Blue, they correspond to... Nosepass... But Nosepass isn't a ground type... Argh, this is going to drive me crazy.

**~~jackk~~** · 21st February 2013, 7:23 PM

One thing to say about Orella! lol

she reminds me of a farmer like hilly billy girl haha! I love her, Klement is a great gym leader I love how Vibrava is his signature Polemon it's one of m favourites! This was a much longer chapter than usual Lady, good for you haha

I wanna know what Amelia's egg is I can picture get with a ghost type so maybe golurk? That would be interesting although I'm sure you have something on mind

I guess this means that if Jay ever does win he'll get an egg too? I'm predicting sandsrew haha idk actually I really don't know, sandsrew isn't really a 'Jay' type Pokemon tbh not that I know what one is.

I wonder who Amelia's meeting? Maybe someone to help her find out about her mum? Maybe Damien? Clarissa? I'd love to see Amelia battle Clarissa that would be interesting considering Amelia has already got the ground type badge so she's beaten Klement which shows she's strong.

I was so surprised how easily Jay got beaten, I think he just assumed it would be a win cus I don't k ow he hasn't reall had a big loss yet, Clarissa twice and a gym leader once.

I lie how the gym was in a construction site, very detailed paragraphs in this chapter and I loved them keep it up!

P.s - what's Eevee gunna evolve into? Haha

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