oh my goodness, aha ok
Ok I know aha, the first chapter is the worst of the lot, I understand.Evil AD needs to get out more often...]Six… blocks of paragraph. That’s all I saw. Six blocks of poorly punctuated, badly explained, and… yeah, I wasn’t happy. Oh, and for heaven’s sake… learn to spell at least Eevee’s name right! It’s a freaking copyright! There are some other words you spelt wrong, but… yeah. Proofreading is in order… DESPERATELY.
I never actually knew that, thank you"Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon…" OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon," OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon." OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon-" The list goes on. Oh, and in this case, run is what you use here, not ran.
This really didn't seem inportant to me at the time *sigh*2, Badly explained:
Let’s ask some questions and see if they have been explained…
A, Why is Professor Blossom out of starter Pokémon? Jay would get mad at that, but why?
His dad would of known about this for a small amount of time, as Falora says he didn't want Jay to know they were out of starters.B, How would Jay’s dad have anticipated this and gotten him an EEVEE?! (I’ll get to my angst about that in a minute)
She was obviously on the run? She is an escaped convict and had just stolen money from the bank? And as you will find out later Duskfall City is on the other end of Henzo.C, Why would ‘Alexis Stain’ command a Razor Wind without so much as a shred of confrontation? Even if she were as terrible as we’re later told she is, wouldn’t Jay at least know, or be warned about her?
Haha I was waiting for someone to see this, well half way when writing she was just going to be called 'Jays mother' aha, but half way through the chapter I wanted her to have at least some aspects to her, so I kinda crept it inD, Why does it take so long to mention Jay’s mother’s name?
Good point about Jays age, I geuss I just assumed everyone would know you start your journey at 10? Oomph I don't quite understand what you mean with the restE, You may have never mentioned how old Jay even is, but if the second/third Pokémon he ever meets uses Razor Wind on him without provocation (unless you count bumping into it by accident), how can his reaction be counted as cowardice? If Unova starters can trash a bedroom in their first battle…
This is true, not once have I mentioned what Jay looks like, but that's intentional. I wanted to keep Jay up to the reader, every other character i auve described howeve, with much depth (I hope)3, Description, What does Jay look like? What was he wearing? What do Eevee, Skarmory, Charizard, Empoleon look like? What does Razor Wind look like? And what about Windflower Town? What were Jay’s feelings for Eevee? And, everyone on every planet has dark pupils. Their eye colour is determined by the colour of their irises.
Yeah she's abit crazy, and yeah I've apologised for the Eevee thing so many times, but I've never fixed it ahaAnd while Professor Blossom was something of a weird one… get Eevee’s name right. Please? And speaking of spelling…
Jewellery can actually be spelt like thatJewelry.
You got it! You got Eevee’s name right! XD
omg, I never even noticed that, I'm sure I checked bulbapedia on that one. My bad.Now get Gastly’s name right.
Don't you think Jay may just be saying those words to reassure Eevee and make her feel better?Oh, NOW Eevee seems strong. Just twenty minutes ago, you were ticked off because you didn’t get a Charizard or an Empoleon, like it was your right. (Man I feel slightly hypocritical). It took a freaking Razor Wind for you to notice THAT? Yeesh.
Trust me, Clarissa is nothing like iris.Oh, dear Lord, not another Iris… if she says “You’re such a kid!”, I will scream.
I know :'( I kinda messed that whole battle upBut Lick shouldn’t work on Eevee either for the exact same reason. Normal types are immune to Ghost type moves as well.
Really? I'll do that in future then, I just thought it would be a waste.Back to description: what does a Gastly look like? Sure, this is a Pokémon Forum board, but not everyone can exactly keep nearly six hundred and fifty Pokémon in their noggins. Heck, Bulbapedia’s one of my favourite sites.
Seriously? Now your just being mean.Say I had a severely short memory. Who won again?
I do have a problem with this I know, although I am getting better! Hopefully.There.
I agree the last scene is rushed, and as for Falora and Jays farther, that's something for a later chapter.And while your paragraphing is getting much better, your last clump of text was something of a mess… Jay sees a light. Jay is curious. Jay wants to check it out. We get it. But as soon as we see Jay noticing the light, we are thrown into a flashback without preamble. Not only that, more questions are raised regarding Falora and Jay’s father as although they’ve been together as recently as at least three or four seasons ago, they aren’t together now. What is going on?
It was indeed supposed to be Pidgeot, shamefull I know...Is that Pidgeot, or Pidgeotto? Please clarify that for me…
Heh, at least it's Japanese .We could have/could’ve. I get it sounds like "of" but it's really not all that it sounds like. English is weird, isn't it?
Indeed, although I'm abit lost to what you mean ahaQuestion: how do you have one of those? Oh, you mean wander, right?
Yes I do indeed, great word thereAnd I think intruders would be a better word there, rather than impostors, don't you?
Haha omg, I like him.No taste in Pokémon? Are you freaking kidding me?! I can almost let Jay get away with maligning Eevee as he was a rookie, but here is a criminal boss, who has a Lairon (think how long he’s had to train that thing to its present level) calling an Eevee a ‘poor taste in Pokémon’. Sure, Feebas may be the rarest Pokémon in the Pokémon World to find, but Eevee is heralded widely as a “Mary Sue” way to start a journeyfic. Henzo better have a LOT of rarer Pokémon out there to be revealed in future, or I will have more to say about this. Almost every main character in TCQ may have an Eevee(lution) on their team, but… damn, this guy hits LOW.
Well you know, the 'boss' would have their heads.And Martius IV just let them go? I take it back. He’s not low… unless you count his brain cell count. :P
What do mean? Jay went to sleep? It would of been hard to notice in the daytime?What bright light? And where did it go during the time between the previous night and now?
FewDang, that was a long one. Good AD's back!
Well, someone told me if it's a percentage, you do it like that? I have no problem with writing it out tbhNot strictly an error, but I prefer these sort of things in words. It’s more professional, even if this is a hobby for you.
I'm so sillySo close… Blanca’s.
Yaya me <3 good ADAgain, their. And your description is getting better…
.A full stop follows every abbreviated title when someone is addressed
Never knew this, thank you
Oh bugger, I though I had sorted this out.Blankalet, or Blankelet? You might want that looked at.
Above ^^^Well, I like it enough, considering we still don’t know what Jay even looks like, let alone what he’s wearing...
Haha, it's just Blossoms need to call people vegetables aha idkTurnips... riiiiight. That’s the second time they’re coming up. Is there something you’re not telling us? :P
He was out of his range, just, that's why is says 'too soon' Magby then jumped into the air and did his thing.OK, this doesn’t make too much sense to me. If Drowzee executed his attack too soon, was Magby out of his range when he swung? If not, how could he have struck “too soon”? There is a saying “First strike, sure victory.” This needs a little clearing up in my opinion.
.Youko/SwordHunter moment: I don’t think he would. Even without going into details, Eevee’s Bite attack should carry more effect than Magby’s attacks
Magby has a wider range, and this is Jay talking, he's just started his journey.
This seems to be a joke I'm not going to get haha, sorryHe was. She was. It was. You were. What is he, Al Capone? :P
Haha, Magby had already battled qiute harshly twice the same day.Youko/SwordHunter moment: Oh, Lord, Jay… I won’t even comment on the brutal misspelling on enthusiastically to say this. You face a Larvitar, and you call on Magby, the worst matchup in the only two bad matchups you have. Then you face a Gloom, someone Magby can cream. And you send in an Eevee. Oh, my, days. I know you’re just starting out, Jay, but Ash Ketchum is not a good figure to follow. Especially if the rules allow you to be smart.
Gloom was clearly beating her, she originally tried to show off remember? And then to be humiliated In front of the whole crowd.What humiliation?
It does, but that's only in the games, she's missed out on growl.Have And at such a young level. What happened to Growl? I thought that came first for Eevee.
]Aside your utter disregard for apostrophes, I’m cutting you some slack now as you’re clearly improving loads in your paragraphing here. It’s clear you’re definitely doing more. Other than your apostrophes, the only advice I feel I can give you is to proofread your chapters before they come out, and you should be golden.
Well, gotta run now! This should be controversially interesting... :P
Thank you for the lengthy response and all the comments