Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region (PG)

[LadyLady]

Oh my bad for 1. not getting the hockey reference and 2. for not reading it so closely I missed that Larvitar was only on Magby's arm. Sorry

It's fine

Awesome story, at the beginning it was a bit shaky but now it's much better! Add me on the pm list please.

ah thank you! I agree the beginning as a bit iff, and yep, added!

[LadyLady]

Chapter 7 - Blankelet Towns Tournament: A Blowing Saviour

Magby was in trouble, petrified of the thousand kilogram rock that was hurling towards him. However Jay was smirking to himself.

"Now Magby! Use smog and rely on the g-force to push yourself away!" Jay commanded as he was excited to see Magby use his attack defensively.

Magby then exhaled his toxic smoke, he did this so fast and with much power that he shot the other way, dodging his rocky predator. The boulder then smashed onto the other side, scattering into chunky fragments.

"Nice work Jay, maybe. Aha!" Amelia said in a polite but nether the less annoyed way.

"Maybe? You seem to have forgotten what had happened earlier in the match."

Amelia frowned, displeased that she may have missed something.

"I'm not sure in you're aware, but flares of Magby's ember are traveling along the pitch with sandstorm." Jay told Amelia proudly.

"Jay, the field is huge, the chances of ember randomly striking a hit is unlikely!" Amelia replied.

"It's true, however, not when the chances are doubled, doubled again, and again, and again." Jay replied cunningly, "Now Magby shoot your ember into the air! And don't stop!"

"Huh?" Amelia mumbled, confused in what she heard.

"Byyyyyyyyy!" Magby raised his minute mouth upwards and shot his flames like a flare gun.

The ember began to get carried along the wind waves, more and more of the sandstorm was disappearing and being replaced by scorching flares of fire. Gradually the arena became almost covered in fire.

"LAAARRRVVV!" Screamed Larvitar as flames kept stabbing him in his rough skinned body.

"Larvitar! Escape this!" Bellowed Amelia, scared for Larvitars well being. It was bad enough Larvitar was weak, but with the field glowing a hot red, Amelia could hardly see Larvitar who was trapped within a whirlpool of flames.

The flames soon dyed down, slowly but surely, and located in the centre of the arena was a fainted Larvitar, brutally burnt.

"Oh yea!" Jay said keeping his cool, even though he was secretly super happy and excited about the win.

Magby once again sprinted towards Jay and clutched onto his right leg, this time however accidentally tearing a section of Jays denim jeans. Amelia was all ready in the middle of the pitch, soothing her Larvitar. Jay, Eevee and Magby made their way over there, with Magby still gripping onto Jays rugged trousers as they walked. Eevee on the other hand was embarrassed by Magby, looking down as she followed them to Amelia.

"You was amazing Amelia!" Jay told her as she was softy holding her Larvitar.

"Thank you Jay! It was a fun battle! I think I should get Larvitar to the Pokemon centre though, just to make sure he's okay." Replied Amelia as she got more quite with every next word.

Jay feeling sorry for Larvitar decided to join them on their walk to the Pokemon centre. They slowly made their way towards the entrance of the field and left. It was only a short walk as their was a nurse joy and a mini centre located in the glossy stadium. Amelia gracefully gave Larvitar over to be checked and sat down in the lobby. The lobby was gorgeous, you could see your own reflection in the crisp tiles and situated themselves as the flooring. A clean sparkling glass coffee table was located between two navy blue sofas and a black vase with elegant white roses rested on top of the transparent glass. Jay and Amelia placed themselves opposite each other, Jay on the furthest side and Amelia on the nearest side. Jay noticed just to the side of Amelia's bountiful face, in the distance, was Murdock. Asleep on the sofa just outside the toilets and right to the sign up desk, tossing and turning as a little snot bubbled exposed themselves from his tight nostrils.

Jay quickly diverted his sight towards Amelia, "So what brings you here Amelia?"

Amelia looked at Jay, worryingly, as she knew that was the question that was going to be asked. She took time thinking about her response, meanwhile Jay couldn't resist to not keep looking back at Murdock, as he found his fidgeting amusing.

"Well..." Amelia replied uncomfortably. "I'm on a journey to find my mother."

A tear jolted from Amelia's crimson eye, she quickly wiped it away with her gentle hand and laughed, trying to break the ice. Jay didn't know what to say, lost with words he just sat forward, waiting for Amelia to do his talking.

"All I know about her is that she's 'ill' and that's the reason she left me with my aunty when I was three years old. Well, that's what my aunty told me anyway, she left because she was unfit to look after me." Amelia looked back up to Jay.

"I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, it's just, to survive in Henzo you need to be prepared, so I'm challenging the gyms and hopefully entering into the league, that's if I make it there."

Jay looked back at Amelia sympathetically, his eyes stretched, intrigued with what Amelia was telling him.

"I'm sure you will Amelia." Replied Jay softly, "you've just not to ever give up ok? Never!"

Amelia gradually formed a smile.

"Amelia Rose?" Shouted nurse joy from her desk. "Lartvitar is ready for you."

Amelia was pleased, wiping her face once more before anyone saw her upset.

"It's been really nice talking to you Jay, I hope we meet again some time." Amelia smiled once again as she walked away from Jay, she then collected her little fierce creature and strolled put of the stadium.

Jay felt happy seeing Amelia smile, his eyes showed a tired but gleeful expression.

"We best get back to the stadium Eevee, we don't want to miss the semifinals!"

As Jay and Eevee casually walked back, Jay in front, Eevee behind, they strolled past Murdock. Jay giggled to himself as he walked past the sleeping blonde cloud, however Eevee jumped up onto Murdock and brushed her velvet tail in his face and quickly scurried in front of Jay.

"Huh, who? What's there?" Murdock mumbled still half asleep, looking around to see if anyone was watching.

Jay and Eevee made their way back to the rustling stands. To their surprise round two had already started. Two battlers had just finished their match as Jay and Eevee sat down on the plastic worn out chairs that were available to them.

The butler once again tugged on his black bow-tie and bellowed into the microphone.

"The final semifinal match will now begin! Will Jay and Clarissa please make their way towards the battle field."

"Clarissa!?" Jay gasped as he looked around trying to find her.

A shadow then hovered over Jay, "You sound surprised, hehe."

Jay turned around and there she was, as usual right behind him. Somehow no matter how many times Jay looked at Clarissa's bright neon yellow jacket, it seemed to glow more and more every time Jay saw her.

"We best head down there Jay, the playground will go to waste otherwise." Clarissa softy gave Jay a wink as she headed down to plain arena.

Jay and Eevee followed straight after, minding their feet as they walked.

Once both trainers were situated on their respective sides Blanca moved in, graciously as usual.

"Both trainers will use one Pokemon each! The battle between Jay and Clarissa will now begin!"

"Paralyse your foe! Come on out, Gloom!" Clarissa then released her deformed flower into the stadium.

"Glooooo!" Said Gloom, happily and ditzy, as she did a little ballerina twirl for the audience.

Eevee, who was standing on the left side of Jay rolled her eyes, and gawking at the crowd in shock at the fact they actually liked Glooms little attempt at dancing.

"Gloom? Interesting, ok Eevee, I know you've been waiting for this, you're up!" Replied Jay eunthiusticaly.

Eevee sprinted onto the field, leaping across the pitch, showing off. She then settled down and smirked at Gloom who wasn't impressed.

"Gloom! Aha! Lure that pathetic fox in with sweet scent!" Clarissa yelled.

Gloom scrunched up her dopey face as pink particles twirled out from her bud that was on her head. They quickly erupted into Eevee's nostrils, making Eevee follow the candy like scent, like a enthusiastic zombie.

"Eevee snap out of it!' Squawked Jay in an attempt to alert Eevee.

However Eevee was oblivious to her surroundings and focused purely on the sweet smell, getting closer and closer towards the underestimated Gloom.

"Typical Eevee, never paying attention." Clarissa bawled as she flicked her pigtail back like they do in the movies.

Jay began to become infuriated with Clarissa's cheeky remarks.

"Gloom! Acid!"

Gloom took time positioning it's head at the manipulated Eevee, then shot deep purple acid onto her that drenched the hypnotised creature.

"Veeee!" Squealed Eevee in pain.

Eevee couldn't take the humiliation no more, and without Jays permission she charged at Gloom rapidly with lightning speed and knocked Gloom across the empty field.

"Quick attack? I don't remember Eevee having that move." Clarissa disappointingly told Jay.

"Ha! Neither did I Clarissa. She must of just learned it, keep going Eevee, you've got this!" Jay apprehensively replied.

Eevee moved her head back to see Jays glowing face, proud.

"Eeeeeee!"

"Well that's just lovely, I'm sure. However! This match isn't over yet, the world is your play ground aye Gloom. Now! Poison powder!" Clarissa patronisingly commanded.

Gloom pulled her short arms forward and released her deadly gas from her flower. She shot it directly into the air so the gas could spread wider, with more accuracy.

"Eevee, use your sand attack on the poison powder!" Jay demanded.

Eevee speedily hurled sand into the air but it wasn't stopping the toxic fragments from falling. They eventually landed and as Eevee inhaled her breath, the poison travelled down Eevee's lungs resulting in her screaming at the pain she now felt from the status condition. Eevee was in trouble.

"For those to stand, the opponent must fall. Whether it be painfully, or excruciatingly painfully." Clarissa told Jay with no remorse in her words.

Blanca, who was observing the match closely started to feel bad for Eevee, she wanted to help Jay with the next move but obviously couldn't, as he would end up being disqualified.

"Eevee! Quick attack then follow with bite!"

Eevee slowly lifted herself from the ground, took aim and shot. Quick as a victim would fall to a gun shot Gloom was down, failing to dodge the quick attack once more.

"Eeeeeee!" Eevee was sluggishly getting worse as the poison had spread, she once again fell to the floor, her eyes were slowly stuttering, up and down, trying to stay open.

"Gloom! Pull yourself together! Absorb, now while she's down!" Clarissa impatiently demanded.

Gloom then stood up from the fall and glared at Clarissa, without further hesitation though Gloom turned towards Eevee and used her attack. Eevee grew weaker as Gloom was growing stronger.

"Eevee! You have to get away! Quick attack your way out from Glooms direction!" Jay commanded.

Jay was scared for Eevee, she was practically being played with. Eevee stood up, but the absorb just didn't stop, Gloom was surely fully replenished by now, but she was still attacking with a sinister smile.

"VEEEEE!" Screamed Eevee as she delayed to the floor, inactive.

"Eevee is unable to battle. Clarissa wins!" Bellowed Blanca through her microphone, lifting the spirits of the audience.

"You deserved it Gloom, next time lets hope we get a real challenge!"

Clarissa ran up to Gloom with her arms open, Gloom stumbled towards Clarissa with shots of sweet scent shooting out from her flower.

On the other end of the pitch however there wasn't much happiness, a grey cloud hovered over Jay in distraught at what happened, it happened so fast. He made his way over to Eevee, scared.

"I hope this is the last time I fail you."

[energo]

I have to admit, the ending of the battle between Magby and Larvitar seemed a little overpowered for the sake of grabbing interest. I appreciate that you wanted it ride the climax you left at the end of the last chapter but I feel realistically, the 'thousand kilogram rock' and the arena-wide fire were a little over the top [the latter is more reasonable due to the winds in the sandstorm]. The only reason I say this is because both are trainers who are starting out and whilst it's nice to see different tactics, it makes the Pokemon seem extremely powerful and therefore have nothing to grow towards. On the other hand, the battle between Eevee and Gloom is presented much more on a level which was reasonable but still tense. It's just finding that balance between reader interest and believability. And I was actually quite sad [not in a bad way] that Eevee lost because it had to sit out of two battles and watch Magby essentially tear apart its opponents and then when Eevee does get to show its worth, it loses quite badly. On the other hand this continues to set Clarissa up as a very real threat to Jay so kudos to that.

On a side note, it would be interesting to see the opponent's reactions to the unfolding events within the battle [i.e. Gloom/Larvitar] such as when Gloom's Sweet Scent works or Larvitar becomes aware of the impending doom.

[TheSirPeras]

"Nice work Jay, maybe. Aha!" Amelia said in a polite but netherthe less annoyed way.

I believe it's Neither

"It's true, however, not when the chances are doubled, doubled again, and again, and again." Jay replied cunningly, "Now Magby shoot your ember into the air! And don't stop!"

This was an interesting strategy, different than the ones I usually see in Trainer fics, Kudos for that

"You was amazing Amelia!" Jay told her as she was softy holding her Larvitar.

You were amazing Amelia *

"Thank you Jay! It was a fun battle! I think I should get Larvitar to the Pokemon centre though, just to make sure he's okay." Replied Amelia as she got more quite with every next word.

Quiet

Jay feeling sorry for Larvitar decided to join them on their walk to the Pokemon centre. They slowly made their way towards the entrance of the field and left. It was only a short walk as their was a nurse joy and a mini centre located in the glossy stadium. Amelia gracefully gave Larvitar over to be checked and sat down in the lobby. The lobby was gorgeous, you could see your own reflection in the crisp tiles and situated themselves as the flooring. A clean sparkling glass coffee table was located between two navy blue sofas and a black vase with elegant white roses rested on top of the transparent glass. Jay and Amelia placed themselves opposite each other, Jay on the furthest side and Amelia on the nearest side. Jay noticed just to the side of Amelia's bountiful face, in the distance, was Murdock. Asleep on the sofa just outside the toilets and right to the sign up desk, tossing and turning as a little snot bubbled exposed themselves from his tight nostrils.

Great description here! Your descriptions are really good, me joining the PM list was definietly worth it!

"Glooooo!" Said Gloom, happily and ditzy, as she did a little ballerina twirl for the audience.

Nice a Gloom! This is gonna sound pretty random, but I think her team should have more team diversity (as in regions) as she already has 2 kanto Pokemon, her third could be from another region. That's what I would do, but that's really your choice and doesn't really change the reader's opinion, it was just a little thought I had.

"Gloom? Interesting, ok Eevee, I know you've been waiting for this, you're up!" Replied Jay eunthiusticaly.

Enthusiastically*

Eevee sprinted onto the field, leaping across the pitch, showing off. She then settled down and smirked at Gloom who wasn't impressed.

I like how Eevee thinks that Gloom's dance is dumb and when Eevee shows off Gloom thinks it's dumb XD

"Eevee is unable to battle. Clarissa wins!" Bellowed Blanca through her microphone, lifting the spirits of the audience.

Good battle, I feel bad for Eevee she wanted to battle so bad but when she did she lost
I hope this will be an even rivalry and not one wehre Clarissa is always the strongest

[LeafLord]

Sad, but amazing! Every story needs its ups & Downs. I noticed you made battles longer than you used to, lol. GJ!

[LadyLady]

L

I have to admit, the ending of the battle between Magby and Larvitar seemed a little overpowered for the sake of grabbing interest. I appreciate that you wanted it ride the climax you left at the end of the last chapter but I feel realistically, the 'thousand kilogram rock' and the arena-wide fire were a little over the top [the latter is more reasonable due to the winds in the sandstorm]. The only reason I say this is because both are trainers who are starting out and whilst it's nice to see different tactics, it makes the Pokemon seem extremely powerful and therefore have nothing to grow towards. On the other hand, the battle between Eevee and Gloom is presented much more on a level which was reasonable but still tense. It's just finding that balance between reader interest and believability. And I was actually quite sad [not in a bad way] that Eevee lost because it had to sit out of two battles and watch Magby essentially tear apart its opponents and then when Eevee does get to show its worth, it loses quite badly. On the other hand this continues to set Clarissa up as a very real threat to Jay so kudos to that.

On a side note, it would be interesting to see the opponent's reactions to the unfolding events within the battle [i.e. Gloom/Larvitar] such as when Gloom's Sweet Scent works or Larvitar becomes aware of the impending doom.

Oh I see what you mean, it never really occurred to me, although I must admit the kilo gram boulder was an over exaggeration and the fiery arena kinda evens itself out with the fact of how it was achieved

Yeah Eevee's not having a good time, bless her but it's great for what's to come, she's lost to Clarissa twice now, letting Jay down in the battlefield when he needed her most, although obviously Jay feels its his fault, it in her defence Clarissa is arguably the strongest character so far, and one of the faves

I believe it's Neither



This was an interesting strategy, different than the ones I usually see in Trainer fics, Kudos for that

Great description here! Your descriptions are really good, me joining the PM list was definietly worth it!

Nice a Gloom! This is gonna sound pretty random, but I think her team should have more team diversity (as in regions) as she already has 2 kanto Pokemon, her third could be from another region. That's what I would do, but that's really your choice and doesn't really change the reader's opinion, it was just a little thought I had.

I like how Eevee thinks that Gloom's dance is dumb and when Eevee shows off Gloom thinks it's dumb XD

Good battle, I feel bad for Eevee she wanted to battle so bad but when she did she lost
I hope this will be an even rivalry and not one wehre Clarissa is always the strongest

I try and think of the stages originally as I can, I'm so happy it's been appreciated
I'm glad you liked the description! There my favourite part when writing and thank you for lovely comment!
Aha, I thought Gloom fitted with Clarissa, it's a kind of sinister looking Pokemon, yet ditzy at the same time, the rest of her captures however have not been decided yet, but I'll bare your comment in mind
Clarissa is a strong trainer, Eevee just had the umpleasent fortunate of battling her

Sad, but amazing! Every story needs its ups & Downs. I noticed you made battles longer than you used to, lol. GJ!

ah thank you! I must admit even I felt sorry for Eevee when writing aha!

[Grav]

Liking it so far. Caps and punc are what you need but a great story otherwise. PM list?

[dirkac]

Liked it.
Spelling and Grammar is a lot better than your first chapter! Give yourself a pat on the back.

[LadyLady]

Liking it so far. Caps and punc are what you need but a great story otherwise. PM list?

Added to the PM List!

Liked it.
Spelling and Grammar is a lot better than your first chapter! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Ikr!? Aha, it's actually crazy looking back on the first chapter and seeing the difference, thank you

[Air Dragon]

Well, that was interesting... just caught up with Chapter five when I went on after a two-three days absence, I get two more chapters. You are enjoying this aren't you? But errors be errors, and I feel somewhat bound to call you out on them. Well, here we go.

Jays Journey Theough The Henzo Region.

Jay’s Journey Through the Henzo Region. Forgiveable, but just saying... for now.

Last chance before we start: I can be tough.

Evil AD: Mwahahahahahah!

Good AD: I’ll keep Evil AD in check as much as I can, but he can… slip out.

Chapter 1

Read ahead only if you dare. All that’s said below is done with the PUREST of intentions.

    Spoiler:- Evil AD needs to get out more often...:

Show Spoiler

 
Six… blocks of paragraph. That’s all I saw. Six blocks of poorly punctuated, badly explained, and… yeah, I wasn’t happy. Oh, and for heaven’s sake… learn to spell at least Eevee’s name right! It’s a freaking copyright! There are some other words you spelt wrong, but… yeah. Proofreading is in order… DESPERATELY.
 

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t too bad a start. Not bad at all. But…

1, Poorly punctuated:

A, Apostrophes. Where are they? And (this is a joke), just how messed up is your keyboard? Possession is shown with them and you’ve done it at least a couple of times so I can tell you know this. I just wonder why they aren’t there. You do use a word processor right? Honest question.

B, Capitalization. Even if you won’t capitalize Pokémon species names, at least do so for people’s names.

C, Speech (and quotation marks).

Firstly, every time someone’s name is mentioned, a comma comes after the preceding word. Example:

"Morning ma! Today's the day!"

"Morning, Ma! Today's the day!"

Secondly, when speech marks are closed, either a comma, full stop, or something else should go there. Example:

"Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon"

"Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon…" OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon," OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon." OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon-" The list goes on. Oh, and in this case, run is what you use here, not ran.

2, Badly explained:

Let’s ask some questions and see if they have been explained…

A, Why is Professor Blossom out of starter Pokémon? Jay would get mad at that, but why?

B, How would Jay’s dad have anticipated this and gotten him an EEVEE?! (I’ll get to my angst about that in a minute)

C, Why would ‘Alexis Stain’ command a Razor Wind without so much as a shred of confrontation? Even if she were as terrible as we’re later told she is, wouldn’t Jay at least know, or be warned about her?

D, Why does it take so long to mention Jay’s mother’s name?

E, You may have never mentioned how old Jay even is, but if the second/third Pokémon he ever meets uses Razor Wind on him without provocation (unless you count bumping into it by accident), how can his reaction be counted as cowardice? If Unova starters can trash a bedroom in their first battle…

3, Description, What does Jay look like? What was he wearing? What do Eevee, Skarmory, Charizard, Empoleon look like? What does Razor Wind look like? And what about Windflower Town? What were Jay’s feelings for Eevee? And, everyone on every planet has dark pupils. Their eye colour is determined by the colour of their irises.

And while Professor Blossom was something of a weird one… get Eevee’s name right. Please? And speaking of spelling…

Jay threw his pokeball in the air, shouting the words "I choose you" and out came an evee, Jay was in awe, he didn't know wether to be happy or upset.

Whether.

she had enough gold jewellery to blind a child and was clutching onto a silver rod with a violet orb located on the end.

Jewelry.

There were –ise/ize contradictions here and there, but I’m not touching those.

Chapter 2

You got it! You got Eevee’s name right! XD

Now get Gastly’s name right.

Before I do a Youko/SwordHunter on this … A title has every word start with a capital letter, with the exception of a conjunction. However, if it starts the title, it may be capitalized.

And now for the Youko/SwordHunter moment:

"Eevee the adaptable Pokemon, Eevee has an irregular genetical code which allows for multiple evolutions, Eevee knows these attacks; tackle, bite and sand-attack." The Pokedex then slid down.

"You seem strong Eevee!" Jay told her in a proud manner. "You know what happens now right?" Eevee turned her head in a confused manner, "well now we challenge the Henzo gym leaders of course!"

Oh, NOW Eevee seems strong. Just twenty minutes ago, you were ticked off because you didn’t get a Charizard or an Empoleon, like it was your right. (Man I feel slightly hypocritical). It took a freaking Razor Wind for you to notice THAT? Yeesh.

Oh and it’s genetic, not genetical.

OK, moment over.

"I guess I'll make the first move, rookie aha. Ghastly! Lick!" Ghastly moved towards Eevee with much speed, then stuck out its pink tongue and slobbered Eevee across her face. Eevee went flying across forest.

Oh, dear Lord, not another Iris… if she says “You’re such a kid!”, I will scream.

"Hahaha! Silly boy, you can't use a normal attack on a ghost type, it just doesn't work my dear" Clarissa began to smirk whist Jay was beginning to become nervous.

But Lick shouldn’t work on Eevee either for the exact same reason. Normal types are immune to Ghost type moves as well.

Back to description: what does a Gastly look like? Sure, this is a Pokémon Forum board, but not everyone can exactly keep nearly six hundred and fifty Pokémon in their noggins. Heck, Bulbapedia’s one of my favourite sites.

"Woo, looks like I win!"

Say I had a severely short memory. Who won again?

"Well, I think I'm going to head to 'Blankelet town' as their is a gym located there."

There.

And while your paragraphing is getting much better, your last clump of text was something of a mess… Jay sees a light. Jay is curious. Jay wants to check it out. We get it. But as soon as we see Jay noticing the light, we are thrown into a flashback without preamble. Not only that, more questions are raised regarding Falora and Jay’s father as although they’ve been together as recently as at least three or four seasons ago, they aren’t together now. What is going on?

Luckily for him the man that saw Jay was a trainer and managed to save him by sending out his Mantine and Pidgeotte.

Is that Pidgeot, or Pidgeotto? Please clarify that for me…

Chapter 3

The sun began to shine through Jay and Eevee's tent, they slowly awoke from the radiating heat and the cry of the local Pedoves that resided in windflower forest.

Pidoves

Jay and Eevee began there travels along the pathway, strutting along with the feeling of confidence after yesterday's battle.

Their.

"Ya know Eevee, I reckon we could of easily won that match with Clarissa."

We could have/could’ve. I get it sounds like "of" but it's really not all that it sounds like. English is weird, isn't it?

"Well, she did have the advantage having known that normal type attacks have no effect on ghost types, I suppose we just need to train some more"

See Youko/SwordHunter moment from Chapter Two.

Eevee over joyed with what she heard let out a roar "EEEEEVEE!"

overjoyed

The men ran into the woods, with determination in there pupils.

Their

If you idiots don't find this, the boss will have out heads!

Our. Like the title, I can forgive this one though.

The bulky Pokemon began to have a wonder

Question: how do you have one of those? Oh, you mean wander, right?

as if they were impostors in there home towns forest.

Their. And I think intruders would be a better word there, rather than impostors, don't you?

"Nobody likes a pest dear child" the man said in a patronising tone. "Especially one with no taste in Pokemon" he turned his focus to Eevee.

Youko/SwordHunter moment!

No taste in Pokémon? Are you freaking kidding me?! I can almost let Jay get away with maligning Eevee as he was a rookie, but here is a criminal boss, who has a Lairon (think how long he’s had to train that thing to its present level) calling an Eevee a ‘poor taste in Pokémon’. Sure, Feebas may be the rarest Pokémon in the Pokémon World to find, but Eevee is heralded widely as a “Mary Sue” way to start a journeyfic. Henzo better have a LOT of rarer Pokémon out there to be revealed in future, or I will have more to say about this. Almost every main character in TCQ may have an Eevee(lution) on their team, but… damn, this guy hits LOW.

Jays face gave a sign of relief "now Eevee, let's get outta here!"

And Martius IV just let them go? I take it back. He’s not low… unless you count his brain cell count. :P

"the bright light! It's coming from over there!"

What bright light? And where did it go during the time between the previous night and now?

Dang, that was a long one. Good AD's back!

Magby soon felt better but not 100%.

Not strictly an error, but I prefer these sort of things in words. It’s more professional, even if this is a hobby for you.

he then creeped over to their sleeping bag and wiggled his way in.

crept

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Blanca"s Appearance

So close… Blanca’s.

Continuing there journey, Jay and Eevee began to reach the end of windflower forest and could spot in the distance Blankelet town.

Their. And there was no incident in the meantime? I’d advise against letting a reader assume this and let them know.

They had finally reached there destination, Blankelet town

Again, their. And your description is getting better…

First the owner leaves their gym, but then doesn't even tell us were they have gone

Where.

"Will everybody put their hands together for the amazing, and beautiful, Mrs Blanca Normantay."

A full stop follows every abbreviated title when someone is addressed.

Jay and Eevee could not move there eyes away from Blanca

Seriously? No. Not this time.

she seemed a tad heart broken but then gave a facial expression to signal a 'yes.'

but then out of no where they had straight faces.

These words are to be joined, not separate.

Tomorrow we will participate in the Blankalet tournament

Blankalet, or Blankelet? You might want that looked at.

Another thing you want to check out are the apostrophes. You are still neglecting them, and I mean a LOT. I’m just not mentioning them anymore. I just wish I wouldn’t have to.

Chapter 5

"I see you like my clothing." The teenage boy smugly said. "I made it myself."

Well, I like it enough, considering we still don’t know what Jay even looks like, let alone what he’s wearing...

"Oh sorry, I was just thinking of... Ermm, turnips!"

Turnips... riiiiight. That’s the second time they’re coming up. Is there something you’re not telling us? :P

The butler shouted as he showed of his wide and energetic smile.

Off. It happens again, keep your eyes peeled.

Both Pokemon rushed towards each other, both determined to succeed in winning. Drowzee's arm thumped forward towards Magby, but he was too soon. Magby jumped straight up into the air, flipped so his face was facing Drowzee and spurted poisons smog below him.

OK, this doesn’t make too much sense to me. If Drowzee executed his attack too soon, was Magby out of his range when he swung? If not, how could he have struck “too soon”? There is a saying “First strike, sure victory.” This needs a little clearing up in my opinion.

Damien returned his Drowzee and left the stadium with out saying goodbye.

Without. One word.

Chapter 6

The young trainers made their way to the battle field,

Comma should be a semi-colon. Happens again three lines down.

as was Blanca and Jay

Not really an error, but sounds better as “as were Blanca and Jay”

"Eevee, I know you really want to battle, but I honestly think Magby will have the upper hand here!" Said Jay on a soothing manner.

Youko/SwordHunter moment: I don’t think he would. Even without going into details, Eevee’s Bite attack should carry more effect than Magby’s attacks.

"Your Pokemon thinks its a Primape Jay aha."

It’s.

producing a hard unstable boulder triple it's size.

its. No worries, though… I make this mistake almost every time when I’m writing chapters myself… I do, however watch my spellings, and Gastly is spelt as such. GASTLY. No H.

One more thing... triple whose size?

Chapter 7

"You was amazing Amelia!"

He was. She was. It was. You were. What is he, Al Capone? :P

It was only a short walk as their was a nurse joy and a mini centre located in the glossy stadium.

There was.

"Lartvitar is ready for you."

Larvitar. Spell checking is important.

"Gloom? Interesting, ok Eevee, I know you've been waiting for this, you're up!" Replied Jay eunthiusticaly.

Youko/SwordHunter moment: Oh, Lord, Jay… I won’t even comment on the brutal misspelling on enthusiastically to say this. You face a Larvitar, and you call on Magby, the worst matchup in the only two bad matchups you have. Then you face a Gloom, someone Magby can cream. And you send in an Eevee. Oh, my, days. I know you’re just starting out, Jay, but Ash Ketchum is not a good figure to follow. Especially if the rules allow you to be smart.

"Veeee!" Squealed Eevee in pain.

Eevee couldn't take the humiliation no more, and without Jays permission she charged at Gloom rapidly with lightning speed and knocked Gloom across the empty field.

What humiliation?

She must of just learned it,

Have And at such a young level. What happened to Growl? I thought that came first for Eevee.

"I hope this is the last time I fail you."

Me too. This is getting painful to watch.

Aside your utter disregard for apostrophes, I’m cutting you some slack now as you’re clearly improving loads in your paragraphing here. It’s clear you’re definitely doing more. Other than your apostrophes, the only advice I feel I can give you is to proofread your chapters before they come out, and you should be golden.

Well, gotta run now! This should be controversially interesting... :P

L@er

[LadyLady]

oh my goodness, aha ok

Evil AD needs to get out more often...]Six… blocks of paragraph. That’s all I saw. Six blocks of poorly punctuated, badly explained, and… yeah, I wasn’t happy. Oh, and for heaven’s sake… learn to spell at least Eevee’s name right! It’s a freaking copyright! There are some other words you spelt wrong, but… yeah. Proofreading is in order… DESPERATELY.

Ok I know aha, the first chapter is the worst of the lot, I understand.

"Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon…" OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon," OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon." OR "Professor Blossom has unfortunately ran out of starter Pokemon-" The list goes on. Oh, and in this case, run is what you use here, not ran.

I never actually knew that, thank you

2, Badly explained:

Let’s ask some questions and see if they have been explained…

A, Why is Professor Blossom out of starter Pokémon? Jay would get mad at that, but why?

This really didn't seem inportant to me at the time *sigh*

B, How would Jay’s dad have anticipated this and gotten him an EEVEE?! (I’ll get to my angst about that in a minute)

His dad would of known about this for a small amount of time, as Falora says he didn't want Jay to know they were out of starters.

C, Why would ‘Alexis Stain’ command a Razor Wind without so much as a shred of confrontation? Even if she were as terrible as we’re later told she is, wouldn’t Jay at least know, or be warned about her?

She was obviously on the run? She is an escaped convict and had just stolen money from the bank? And as you will find out later Duskfall City is on the other end of Henzo.

D, Why does it take so long to mention Jay’s mother’s name?

Haha I was waiting for someone to see this, well half way when writing she was just going to be called 'Jays mother' aha, but half way through the chapter I wanted her to have at least some aspects to her, so I kinda crept it in

E, You may have never mentioned how old Jay even is, but if the second/third Pokémon he ever meets uses Razor Wind on him without provocation (unless you count bumping into it by accident), how can his reaction be counted as cowardice? If Unova starters can trash a bedroom in their first battle…

Good point about Jays age, I geuss I just assumed everyone would know you start your journey at 10? Oomph I don't quite understand what you mean with the rest

3, Description, What does Jay look like? What was he wearing? What do Eevee, Skarmory, Charizard, Empoleon look like? What does Razor Wind look like? And what about Windflower Town? What were Jay’s feelings for Eevee? And, everyone on every planet has dark pupils. Their eye colour is determined by the colour of their irises.

This is true, not once have I mentioned what Jay looks like, but that's intentional. I wanted to keep Jay up to the reader, every other character i auve described howeve, with much depth (I hope)

And while Professor Blossom was something of a weird one… get Eevee’s name right. Please? And speaking of spelling…

Yeah she's abit crazy, and yeah I've apologised for the Eevee thing so many times, but I've never fixed it aha

Jewelry.

Jewellery can actually be spelt like that

Chapter 2

You got it! You got Eevee’s name right! XD

party!

Now get Gastly’s name right.

omg, I never even noticed that, I'm sure I checked bulbapedia on that one. My bad.

Oh, NOW Eevee seems strong. Just twenty minutes ago, you were ticked off because you didn’t get a Charizard or an Empoleon, like it was your right. (Man I feel slightly hypocritical). It took a freaking Razor Wind for you to notice THAT? Yeesh.

Don't you think Jay may just be saying those words to reassure Eevee and make her feel better?

Oh, dear Lord, not another Iris… if she says “You’re such a kid!”, I will scream.

Trust me, Clarissa is nothing like iris.

But Lick shouldn’t work on Eevee either for the exact same reason. Normal types are immune to Ghost type moves as well.

I know :'( I kinda messed that whole battle up

Back to description: what does a Gastly look like? Sure, this is a Pokémon Forum board, but not everyone can exactly keep nearly six hundred and fifty Pokémon in their noggins. Heck, Bulbapedia’s one of my favourite sites.

Really? I'll do that in future then, I just thought it would be a waste.

Say I had a severely short memory. Who won again?

Seriously? Now your just being mean.

There.

I do have a problem with this I know, although I am getting better! Hopefully.

And while your paragraphing is getting much better, your last clump of text was something of a mess… Jay sees a light. Jay is curious. Jay wants to check it out. We get it. But as soon as we see Jay noticing the light, we are thrown into a flashback without preamble. Not only that, more questions are raised regarding Falora and Jay’s father as although they’ve been together as recently as at least three or four seasons ago, they aren’t together now. What is going on?

I agree the last scene is rushed, and as for Falora and Jays farther, that's something for a later chapter.

Is that Pidgeot, or Pidgeotto? Please clarify that for me…

It was indeed supposed to be Pidgeot, shamefull I know...

We could have/could’ve. I get it sounds like "of" but it's really not all that it sounds like. English is weird, isn't it?

Heh, at least it's Japanese .

Question: how do you have one of those? Oh, you mean wander, right?

Indeed, although I'm abit lost to what you mean aha

And I think intruders would be a better word there, rather than impostors, don't you?

Yes I do indeed, great word there

No taste in Pokémon? Are you freaking kidding me?! I can almost let Jay get away with maligning Eevee as he was a rookie, but here is a criminal boss, who has a Lairon (think how long he’s had to train that thing to its present level) calling an Eevee a ‘poor taste in Pokémon’. Sure, Feebas may be the rarest Pokémon in the Pokémon World to find, but Eevee is heralded widely as a “Mary Sue” way to start a journeyfic. Henzo better have a LOT of rarer Pokémon out there to be revealed in future, or I will have more to say about this. Almost every main character in TCQ may have an Eevee(lution) on their team, but… damn, this guy hits LOW.

Haha omg, I like him.

And Martius IV just let them go? I take it back. He’s not low… unless you count his brain cell count. :P

Well you know, the 'boss' would have their heads.

What bright light? And where did it go during the time between the previous night and now?

What do mean? Jay went to sleep? It would of been hard to notice in the daytime?

Dang, that was a long one. Good AD's back!

Few

Not strictly an error, but I prefer these sort of things in words. It’s more professional, even if this is a hobby for you.

Well, someone told me if it's a percentage, you do it like that? I have no problem with writing it out tbh

So close… Blanca’s.

I'm so silly

Again, their. And your description is getting better…

Yaya me <3 good AD

A full stop follows every abbreviated title when someone is addressed

.

Never knew this, thank you

Blankalet, or Blankelet? You might want that looked at.

Oh bugger, I though I had sorted this out.

Well, I like it enough, considering we still don’t know what Jay even looks like, let alone what he’s wearing...

Above ^^^

Turnips... riiiiight. That’s the second time they’re coming up. Is there something you’re not telling us? :P

Haha, it's just Blossoms need to call people vegetables aha idk

OK, this doesn’t make too much sense to me. If Drowzee executed his attack too soon, was Magby out of his range when he swung? If not, how could he have struck “too soon”? There is a saying “First strike, sure victory.” This needs a little clearing up in my opinion.

He was out of his range, just, that's why is says 'too soon' Magby then jumped into the air and did his thing.

Youko/SwordHunter moment: I don’t think he would. Even without going into details, Eevee’s Bite attack should carry more effect than Magby’s attacks

.

Magby has a wider range, and this is Jay talking, he's just started his journey.

He was. She was. It was. You were. What is he, Al Capone? :P

This seems to be a joke I'm not going to get haha, sorry

Youko/SwordHunter moment: Oh, Lord, Jay… I won’t even comment on the brutal misspelling on enthusiastically to say this. You face a Larvitar, and you call on Magby, the worst matchup in the only two bad matchups you have. Then you face a Gloom, someone Magby can cream. And you send in an Eevee. Oh, my, days. I know you’re just starting out, Jay, but Ash Ketchum is not a good figure to follow. Especially if the rules allow you to be smart.

Haha, Magby had already battled qiute harshly twice the same day.

What humiliation?

Gloom was clearly beating her, she originally tried to show off remember? And then to be humiliated In front of the whole crowd.

Have And at such a young level. What happened to Growl? I thought that came first for Eevee.

It does, but that's only in the games, she's missed out on growl.

Aside your utter disregard for apostrophes, I’m cutting you some slack now as you’re clearly improving loads in your paragraphing here. It’s clear you’re definitely doing more. Other than your apostrophes, the only advice I feel I can give you is to proofread your chapters before they come out, and you should be golden.

Well, gotta run now! This should be controversially interesting... :P

L@er[/QUOTE

]

Thank you for the lengthy response and all the comments

[Chibi Pika]

Hello there. I'm from the review game--I've decided to review chapter three, since the first two chapters were more rough around the edges and have already had a lot of things addressed by the other reviewers, so I'd just be repeating what they've said.

The sun began to shine through Jay and Eevee's tent, they slowly awoke from the radiating heat and the cry of the local Pedoves that resided in windflower forest.

Alright, sill some grammar hiccups here, but overall a lot better than the previous two chapters, so I can tell you're improving. This first sentence is comprised of two complete sentences, so you should either split one, or make one of them rely on the other (for instance, you could word it "As the sun began to shine through Jay and Eevee's tent, they slowly awoke from the..."--ect.) Also, it's spelled "Pidoves". Other than a couple of other run-on sentences, the first paragraph reads fairly nicely and has much improved description.

"Ya know Eevee, I reckon we could of easily won that match with Clarissa."

"Could have." A fairly common error, because of the way we tend to pronounce "could've."

The ancient timber tree made a hollow sound as it went crashing to the ground, through the space where the wooden wall would usually be standing, Jay and Eevee spotted a robust helicopter in the near distance.

Alright, so aside from the run-on here, the way this is worded seems too...straightforward. Like, it doesn't really get across the feeling of surprise they might have to see such a sight. I think splitting it into two sentences and giving them a reaction would make it more effective.

"There! Search you imbeciles!" after finishing about four to five men scurried out from the ship. They were all wearing the same uniform, a tight grey shirt that tucked into their dark black trousers, and a murky brown jacket followed by a maroon top hat which was accompanied with a sliver feather.

That's an interesting uniform. xD Well, we already know they're not members of any evil team we know from the games.

"If you idiots don't find this, the boss will have out heads! Hm." The strange man then threw a Pokeball in the air, "Lairon! Help them search!" The bulky Pokemon began to have a wonder, Jays eyes kept firmly on the location of Lairon. Jay watched Lairon as it traveled around where Jay and Eevee were hiding, keeping his fixed eyes only on the metal beast.

From the way this is worded, I can't quite tell if the Lairon has already sensed them, and is actually nearing them, or not. Also, this would be a great chance to go into how the main character is feeling. Is he nervous?

Jays stood still, as did Eevee, they slowly turned around to see the fat man looking down on them, as if they were impostors in there home towns forest.

You've mixed up the "theres" a couple of times. Whenever it's to describe ownership, like something belonging to someone, use "their."

"How dare you talk to me like that, me! Martius IV! I could have you for supper!"

Here's an instance where reading your fic out loud to yourself can help. The way the first sentence is written, I know what you're going for, but the comma doesn't offer enough of a pause, and doesn't make the "me" feel very emphasizes. Something like: "How dare you talk to me like that! Me, Martius IV!" Has a much stronger pause, and helps the reader to read it the same way you indended.

"Ouickly Eevee, sand attack!" Eevee quickly leaped in font of Lairon and with its tiny paws hurled sand into Lairons steel face. Lairon started to lose control and crashed into a nearby tree. Knocking the wooden structure to the ground.

The final sentence here is a fragment because it doesn't have a subject. We know Lairon's crash knocked over the tree, but only because of the previous sentence, so having no real subject in this one makes a sort of awkward pause for the reader.

You've got some nice imagery with your descriptions, it's just that the grammar has a lot of minor issues that affect readability. I'd advise getting a beta reader, if possible, as they can help catch all the minor problems before posting. I can't really say much about the plot from what I've read, as it's pretty standard Journey Fic faire so far. That just means you'll have to work hard to make your fic stand out, and for all I know, you might already have plans on how to do that. Good luck!

~Chibi~

[LadyLady]

Thank you Chibi Pika for the review A new chapter is now up This however focuses more on the history of Henzo and will maybe effect the plot, ah noo, I don't wanna give anything away

__________________________________________________ _____________

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________________


Chapter 8 - The Phoenix

Jay slowly picked Eevee up from the middle of the battle field and gave Clarissa an awkward smile, unsure whether to be happy or upset. Blanca gradually walked over to the both of them, swaying her way forward.

"You both battled beautifully, like the antelope eats the ants, gracefully and naturally." Blanca softly said.

Jay and Clarissa both turned in sync towards Blanca, who was beaming a wide smile. Jay began to carefully stroke Eevee's chestnut fur, and turned back to Clarissa, who was still admiring Blanca's mellow grin.

"You did amazing Clarissa." Jay admittedly told her, "I wish I could stay and watch you in the finals, but I have to take Eevee to the Pokemon centre."

Clarissa's scarlet lips expanded as her chocolate eyebrows rouse, her swan-like posture erected as she snapped her mahogany hair backwards.

"I did do amazing, didn't I?" Clarissa replied smugly, "Gloom can be deadly. It's wise you get Eevee checked up."

An awkward silence crept it's way in between Jay and Clarissa.

"Chop chop, she needs an antidote."

"Right." Jay replied.

Jay and Eevee made their way to the exit, slothfully. He gazed at the stadium, gawking at the hyperactive audience, cheering for Clarissa. The walk to the exit seemed like an eternal voyage, with every second seeming like a minute, and every minute seeming like an hour. It was Jays walk of shame.

He finally reached the stadiums lobby, Murdock was still snoring on the sofa outside the toilets. Jay gave Eevee to nurse Joy cautiously, it was the first time they've ever been separated since they started their journey. He sat down where him and Amelia had sat before, slowly running his nervous fingertips along the royal delicate arm rest. Murdock was still visible like before in the distance, tossing and turning on the skinny sofa, Jay wondered how he could ever get comfortable on such a minuscule chair.

Jay lifted his shaky legs onto the sofa and wrapped his nervous arms around them, like an important locket, needing to be protected. In the short distance Murdock had just tumbled onto the tiled floor and accidentally woke himself up, he quickly mutated his fleecy head around, trying to spot anyone who noticed. His eyes then noticed Jay looking ruffled and agitated, he started to make his way over to the sofas to greet Jay.

"Hey Jay!" Murdock cheerfully waved, "my goodness, I had the most unpleasant dream just a few moments ago." He added, as he sat down on the navy blue sofa opposite Jay.

Jay wasn't in the mood for a chit chat, although seeing as Murdock was one of the only people who seemed to bother with him, he slowly gave a smile and unloosed his legs, giving the signal for Murdock to carry on.

"It was about the Henzo legend, I was in the middle of the great war!" Murdock's eyebrows lifted from his peacock forest eyes.

Jay crept his body forward, "legend?" He replied intrigued with the story.

"You do know about the great war?" Murdock replied.

Jay shaking his head replied with a "no."

"The Phoenix?"

Still shaking his head Jay replied with another disappointing "no."

"You must of heard of the seven warriors?" Murdock replied, shocked at the revelation.

"No, no, no."

"Golly gosh, right." Murdock mumbled as he prepared for the legendary tale.

"Well, in ancient times Henzo was split in two, the saint side and the sinned side. Each wanted more land for the civilians as half of the region was not enough for the people that dwelled there. Eventually when negotiation was dry, the sinned side commanded war for the rest of the region, as they needed the space desperately, for crops and the room for the ever growing population. Well, as you can imagine, the sainted side was not going to back down and a full on war for the region began. It lasted for six days and six nights, however, when the seventh day arrived the sainted side realised they were going down, with many of their soldiers already dead. Through desperation they prayed to their god, the Phoenix. The Phoenix was said to rest on top of Mt. Bloodshot, which is a volcano situated in the middle of Henzo, of course now however combustion village have built small cottages on the lava mountain and reside there now. Anyway, back to the story, so seven of the sainted soldiers climbed their way all the way to the top of Mt. Bloodshot and prayed to the Phoenix, but nothing happened. One of the seven warriors could see on the other side of the volcano an old woman staring at them, curiosity got the better of them and they slowly made their way towards her, round the rim of the volcano. The lady apparently lived on the volcano, eating nothing but things called 'lava cookies' and taking trips down the mountain to a nearby lake for water. The warriors gathered round the old woman who told them, the only way to awaken the Phoenix is sacrifice. The warriors however had tried this many times before, with no results. The old woman then added that the sacrifice must not be theirs, it must be the opposite of what they are. The sainted warriors sat down and drunk herbal tea with the woman as she explained further. She told them that they must prove ownership of seven weapons of the opposing team, one for each of them, from the sinned side, then chuck it into the volcano to awaken the beast. The warriors understood this and hurried down to the battle field."

Jay continued listening, this made him think about how he doesn't really know Henzo like he thought he did.

"So each warrior has to kill another warrior from the sinned side?" Jay whispered, hypnotised into the tale.

"Correct young Jay." Replied Murdock, as he pulled out a flask from his beige rucksack. "Care for some tea?"

"Uuummm... Yes please!" Replied Jay gasping.

Murdock then pulled out two white plastic cups and placed them on the luxurious coffee table, he poured out his creamy tea and began to continue the story.

"So, as I was saying." Murdock responded as he took little sips of his tea and passed Jay his. "The seven warriors made their way back down Mt. Bloodshot and set off, each of them promising to each other to bring back a weapon of the opposing side in the next hour. The first warrior stabbed a soldier on the cliffside named 'Sloth' and stole his blow horn, what they would use to alert the other troops in case of an attack. The second warrior strangled a man named 'Gluttony' who was burning his victims with boiling oil, the warrior of course stole his pot. The third warrior however was faced with a female soldier, unable to kill a woman, he kidnapped her instead and stole her mirrored dagger, her name was called 'Vanity.' The next warrior trapped a man named 'Greed' and possessed his caltrops, a handful of them."

"Murdock?" Jay asked. "What are caltrops?"

"Good question Jay, it's a good job I'm educated in such things." Murdock humbly replied.

"Ahem. A caltrop is a weapon made up of two or more sharp nails or spines arranged so that one of them always points upward from a stable base, for example, a tetrahedron. Caltrops serve to slow down the advance of Rapidash, war Donphans, and human troops. It was said to be particularly effective against the soft feet of Camerupt."

Jays eyes widened with interest, "sounds dangerous." He replied whist he sipped his tea from the plastic cup.

"They were dangerous times, Henzo used to be a terrible place." Murdock's eyes shifted side to side.

"Anyway, so the fifth man barged into a house were one off the sinned warriors was violating a local woman, who was trying to protect her children, the fifth warrior butchered the man and stole his personal Hunga Munga." This man was named 'Lust."

Jay looked upwards again, confused.

"A weird looking blade Jay haha, anyway, the sixth man hunted down someone personal to him, on top of some cliffs was a man called 'Envy' shooting down people with a bow and arrow, the sixth warrior crept up behind him and pushed him off, then travelled down to collect his prize. Finally the seventh warrior came face to face with a man called "Wrath." A fight began, spear on spear, the seventh warrior eventually won the duel however and met up with the rest of the warriors on top of Mt. Bloodshot. Each warrior one by one threw their object into the heart of the volcano. The blow horn, the oil pot, the mirrored dagger, the handful of caltrops, the dreaded Hunga Munga, the bow and arrow and finally the spear. The warriors then prayed to the Phoenix, as nervous as they were they began to sweat heavily, suddenly however, they heard it. The Phoenix had awoke and flew out from the volcano. The warriors watched as the Phoenix destroyed the battlefield, burning everything and everyone, eventually only the seven warriors remained. Unable to live life knowing they helped the Phoenix destroy and murder innocent civilians, they went insane and jumped into the volcano."

"This is quite the story Murdock." Jay replied shockingly.

"Ah, it's not over yet Jay, you see, it's said that the Phoenix landed on the battlefield, that was full of ash, and set fire to itself, then only moments later, the civilians and soldiers were reborn from the Phoenix's ashes, along with a new baby Phoenix, and after that they apparently resolved their differences and shared Henzo responsibly. Unfortunately the warriors departed too soon." Sighed Murdock, as he slurped his last remaining drops of tea.

"Interesting." Mumbled Jay.

"I know right?" Agreed Murdock, "It's said that the seven deadly items are scattered around Henzo due to the amount of eruptions that have happened in the last century's, and also, its said that if you throw them into Mt. Bloodshot the Phoenix will rise once more, although I'm not sure about that."

"Whys that?" Jay curiously asked.

"Well, apparently the Phoenix was so scared when it was reborn that it flew away, never to return to Henzo again, only leaving a rainbow in its departure."

"Jay Gold?" Nurse joy called from behind the desk. "Eevee is ready for you."

Jays face gave a sign of relief, his shoulders now relaxed and a smile began to form on his face.

"Well Murdock, it's honestly been great talking to you! But I best get going, need to train for my gym match!"

Jay collected Eevee from the marble counter and held her in his arms, rubbing her head in a friendly relaxed way. Both Murdock and Jay waved to each other as they departed. Eevee unaware of what was going on just snuggled into Jays arms.

[dirkac]

Um, fist of all... You spelled Camerupt wrong. Its Camerupt. Not CamPerupt.

And, you included the Lava Cookie here. Was the old woman from Lavaridge Town in Hoenn? Bequse the Lava Cookie was a Lavaridge Town specialty, and had originated there.

Other than this and forgetting punctuation and spelling, it was pretty good. Differnt. But good.

[LeafLord]

YES! SO GOOD! IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS KIND OF CHAPTER!
Was that supposedly the origin of Ho-Oh?? Jesus, this is fantastic!

[LadyLady]

YES! SO GOOD! IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS KIND OF CHAPTER!
Was that supposedly the origin of Ho-Oh?? Jesus, this is fantastic!

Hha I'm glad you liked it! And yeah, it was Ho-Oh before he flew to Johto

Um, fist of all... You spelled Camerupt wrong. Its Camerupt. Not CamPerupt.

And, you included the Lava Cookie here. Was the old woman from Lavaridge Town in Hoenn? Bequse the Lava Cookie was a Lavaridge Town specialty, and had originated there.

Other than this and forgetting punctuation and spelling, it was pretty good. Differnt. But good.

Ah fixed that! and yeah I just wanted throw in a small reference to the lava cookie as ya know, they were on top of a volcano, and thank you dirkac

[LadyLady]

Oh my, I just wanted to say over 1000 views! Thank you everyone! (:

[Dane12]

AMAZING, simply amazing
Please add me on the list

[LadyLady]

AMAZING, simply amazing
Please add me on the list

Aw thank you so much! Added! (:

[Air Dragon]

Uh, dirkac? The Lava Cookie is a Lavaridge specialty, but later games have revealed it's not EXCLUSIVE to Hoenn anymore.

It wasn't quite a bad chapter, plenty of information. Only issue was, you dumped it. There was no interaction between Jay and Murdock, and nothing to show so far how it links to their present, other thana dream of Murdock's. I'd advise against that. Show, not tell.

EXPANSION ON POINT: The story is certainly appealing, don't get me wrong. The issue is how you let Murdock's ramble go on into a long block of text. That can put a reader off. Whenever one warrior was killed a paragraph could be made easily. The "legend" is also not only insanely out of place, but poorly timed as well. So far, we have Jay, who met a couple of crazy killer women, catches a clingy Magby for a first Pokemon (in a forest, no less. Magby is more suited to volcanoes, isn't it?). He gets a fleeting crush on the first gym leader he meets, enrols in a tournament, and gets to the semis.

Fine and dandy.

Next to no one is given time to grow. Eevee learned Quick Attack quickly enough, but everybody else seems to be standing still. It's a tad unsettling. I'd slow things down a bit and take a look at where you're going with this.

Oh, and "Hungah Mungah"? Wow. I'd pay money to see one of those. :P Speaking of which, are these seven weapons gonna play a part in the story? If not, it'd be kinda pointless to mention their scattering after using them to summon a phoenix.

That's one more thing off with the twist this is taking. It's making the plot reveal itself too early. There are quite a few ways to have reached this point in the story. Jay could have found one during his travels after a couple of badges. Murdock would tell Jay about his dream later when Jay checks it into an archeological town.

The legend gimmick is very nice. Just hurried. And if there's one thing you can be commended on, it's your zeal to writing. Lord knows it's something I lack. Just... put some thought into the chapters before they come out, ok? And fix those apostrophes. -_-

L@er!