Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region (PG)

[Shadow Lucario]

Now I start chapter three. Here we go.

The sun began to shine through Jay and Eevee's tent, they slowly awoke from the radiating heat and the cry of the local Pedoves that resided in windflower forest.

Change the comma to a period. These are two separate sentences. Pidoves.

Jay sat up, still thinking about the mysterious red light that he saw yesterday at twilight. Wondering what it was, if anything.

Now you want these as one sentence, not two because this by itself is a sentence fragment.

He felt like he was seeing the forest for the first time, it was now from a trainers perspective.

Replace the comma with because and it will flow better. It should be trainer's.

Jay and Eevee began there travels along the pathway, strutting along with the feeling of confidence after yesterday's battle.

Their. Homonyms are your friends.

"Ya know Eevee, I reckon we could of easily won that match with Clarissa."

I see what you're trying to do here. But it's still wrong. It's could have. Most people shorten that to could've. And they should have won that match as detailed in my last post.

"Well, she did have the advantage having known that normal type attacks have no effect on ghost types, I suppose we just need to train some more"

It also works the other way. You're missing a period at the end and the comma is supposed to be a period.

Eevee over joyed with what she heard let out a roar "EEEEEVEE!"

Commas need to be placed after Eevee and heard. That piece is just added information that could easily be taken out so there needs to be commas.

"If you insist"

Periods, periods, periods.

Same common mistakes flow throughout this chapter as well. It seems very consistent. You never really describe any events except the main focus of the chapter. You go through saying, "This happened, then this, then this, main event which is very short, then this, then this." It seems like you're just rushing through it. Take the time to flesh everything out and create a story worth going back to. I'll be on chapter four later today.

[jackk]

so ive read the first 2 chapters and yea, well its not as good as your other story i read but i will continue onwards tomorrow, and judging be most peoples response it gets much better
so thats good! on the plus side im really interested in what that red light is, although i think i know what it is by reading some of the comments XD
i should probably not do that in the future haha, i think you need to give everything a chance and you've said yourself in the first post that them chapters arnt your best, and judging by your other story i can see why you'd think that.
on the plus side i love Clarissa! i think shes rather interesting and i cant wait to read more.

edit: just had a little look at the map and seems really interesting, im trying to work out where the gyms will be haha im such a nerd. Im pretty certain 'Vermanite City' (is that right?) will be a bug type... or poison? oh i dont know

[LadyLady]

so ive read the first 2 chapters and yea, well its not as good as your other story i read but i will continue onwards tomorrow, and judging be most peoples response it gets much better
so thats good! on the plus side im really interested in what that red light is, although i think i know what it is by reading some of the comments XD
i should probably not do that in the future haha, i think you need to give everything a chance and you've said yourself in the first post that them chapters arnt your best, and judging by your other story i can see why you'd think that.
on the plus side i love Clarissa! i think shes rather interesting and i cant wait to read more.

edit: just had a little look at the map and seems really interesting, im trying to work out where the gyms will be haha im such a nerd. Im pretty certain 'Vermanite City' (is that right?) will be a bug type... or poison? oh i dont know

Yeah I know haha the first two are the worst, and yea everyone seems to like Clarissa? Thank you so much for reading!

[infernape100]

Hey I've just finished reading chapter 9 and i really like Lexy's personality. I wasn't looking for faults but i did find the odd one

"Oh whatever, get in the copter!" Lexy screamed, extremely annoyed and stumping her feet.

Just a few issues with this it should be as follows with corrections in bold:
"Oh whatever, get in the 'copter!" Lexy screamed, extremely annoyed and stomping her feet

EDIT: Just finished the newest chapters. I really like how everyone adores mareep, it is one of my fave electric types also. I did spot a fair few grammar and spelling errors in both chapters but sadly i dont have the time to point them out (hopefully i will get on to it soon).
One major issue with your work is the speach. Everytime someone spoke you said something like: Joe said or Amelia asked Here is some examples of what not to do and what is correct (using my own basic conversation)

INCORRECT:
"Hey there!" Joe declared.

"Hello." Replied Amelia.

"Do you want to come play football?" He asked

"A girl? Play football? I don't think so!" The girl said

"Fine, I'll get somebody else to play." Joe said.

"Fine by me. Bye." Amelia replied.

Correct:
"Hey there." Joe declared.

"Hello." replied Amelia.

"Do you want to come play football?"

"A girl? Play football? I don't think so!"

"Fine, I'll get somebody else to play."

"Fine by me. Bye"
There are 2 major points here:
1. You can just put the speach and not the speaker in a simple conversation, people will still know who is speaking
2. After the speach, only a pronoun such as a name should be capitalised. Words like said or asked should not.

I still like the plot, though, i'll stay reading and hope for more

[jackk]

Just read chapters 3-5 and it's soooo much better! Your descriptions are really nice and you give your characters great personality, the tournaments a great idea before jumping into a gym match! yay Clarissa's here!
Damien seems interesting, I wonder if we'll see him again? The drowzy roly poly moment made me chuckle haha, I'm happy Jay got Magby as well, I also wonder why he seems so frightened? Martius is another great character, the chubby man haha. Great chapters! The fourth is my favourite so far though because of all the beautifully written description! Well done!

[LadyLady]

Hey I've just finished reading chapter 9 and i really like Lexy's personality. I wasn't looking for faults but i did find the odd one
Just a few issues with this it should be as follows with corrections in bold:
"Oh whatever, get in the 'copter!" Lexy screamed, extremely annoyed and stomping her feet

EDIT: Just finished the newest chapters. I really like how everyone adores mareep, it is one of my fave electric types also. I did spot a fair few grammar and spelling errors in both chapters but sadly i dont have the time to point them out (hopefully i will get on to it soon).
One major issue with your work is the speach. Everytime someone spoke you said something like: Joe said or Amelia asked Here is some examples of what not to do and what is correct (using my own basic conversation)

I still like the plot, though, i'll stay reading and hope for more

ah thank you for that! I was getting worried that was beginning to become a habit, I'll try and tone it down!
Thank you for reading"

Just read chapters 3-5 and it's soooo much better! Your descriptions are really nice and you give your characters great personality, the tournaments a great idea before jumping into a gym match! yay Clarissa's here!
Damien seems interesting, I wonder if we'll see him again? The drowzy roly poly moment made me chuckle haha, I'm happy Jay got Magby as well, I also wonder why he seems so frightened? Martius is another great character, the chubby man haha. Great chapters! The fourth is my favourite so far though because of all the beautifully written description! Well done!

haha your the best, of course Clarissa's there! , the fourth is my favourite too!

This next chapter is abit different from my usual kind, it focuses on the evil team and Alexis, I just wanted you lot to get to know her sooner rather that later hope you like!

__________________________________________________ _________________

Chapter 12 - An Official Introduction To The Grey Lady

"MARTIUS!" An agitated voice bellowed from the other side of the aircrafts lobby.

A fat greasy man swivelled around from his chair, scoffing the last fragments of doughnuts into his wide mouth.

"Um yes, madam?" Martius replied, worryingly.

The tall thin woman walked slowly towards Martius, who was still chewing on a mouth full of double glazed treats. She peered down, staring at him in the eyes. Which by the way were two completely different colours, one a volcanic ruby red, and the other an oceanic sapphire blue.

"Where is Lexy and Hatter?" The grey woman eagerly asked.

The small plump man began to play with his sausage fingers, nervously.

"I, I don't know madam...'

The forty inch computer screen situated behind Martius started to beep an intruder red.
"But!" He quickly added, "A helicopter has just entered B-4."

"Great, That's Lexy's station, correct?

"Ummmm, yes, of course."

The grey lady rushed both her hands through her muggy hair and looked towards the ceiling of the metal flying machine, breathing out slowly then breathing in, closeting her eyelids as she did it. The woman then stared hideously at Martius and started to giggle, like a little child.

The hard metal doors at the end of the stone like lobby slid open, revealing a young vermillion haired beauty.

"Alexis!" Lexy squealed, "You-hooo!"

Lexy walked towards Alexis, beginning to unbutton her white fur coat.

"We tried ever so hard madam, but me and the troops just couldn't find the weapon, are you sure the paintings correct?" Lexy asked in shame.

"That's no problem sweetie." Alexis replied smiling.

The grey lady once again stared into space and took in a deep breath. Martius was observing closely, with tiny droplets of sweat flowing down his forehead like a small river. Alexis smiled, showing her clear diamond like teeth, then giggle to herself. Lexy just smiled awkwardly back.

"I did honestly search the cave all ov-"

Alexis swivelled her hand with much force across Lexy's foundation filled face.

"AH!" She screamed, retrieving her head back from the force of the hit.

"DO YOU THINK IM STUPID!?" Alexis asked, screaming at Lexy's marked face.

"Um.. N... N, no.." She replied frightened.

"ART DOESN'T LIE, THE PAINTING SHOWS THAT THE BOW AND ARROW ARE LOCATED IN PARAGON CAVE!" Alexis replied, shaking her head and looking oblivious to Lexy.

Lexy's bright eyes began to boil up, but Lexy had no interest in showing her emotions, not in front of Alexis anyway. Alexis started to laugh to herself again, smiling frightfully at Lexy's scared face.

"So..." Alexis softly said, "you should go back there and find it, yes?"

"Of course madam." Lexy mumbled, "I'll leave straight away."

Alexis smiled, "Thats a good girl, you're my most beautiful elite commander Lexy, we wouldn't want something to happen to you now would we?"

Lexy just shaked her head, glaring at Alexis. She turned around and started to button up her fluffy coat as she walked back to her helicopter all the way in sector B-4.

Once Lexy had left Alexis' sight she made her way to the left side of the hight tech lobby, walking over to her Skarmory which was sleeping in an oversized bird cage. She flicked the rails of the metal cage three times, sluggishly awaking her prized possession. Skarmory's sharp pupils pierced at Alexis.

"If only everything was as beautiful as you." She said, tilting her head to the side.

"Madam?" Martius bellowed with his eyes fixed on the futuristic computer.

Alexis' heterochromia eyes shot over her shoulder directly at Martius, who was too busy acknowledging the plasma screen to realise her evil glare.

"Maaaaaadaaaam?"

She made her sinister way over to the back of Martius, bended over, and whispered in his chubby elf-like ears.

"Interrupt me again when I'm talking to my baby and I swear to god I will chuck you off this ship."

Martius nervously gulped. Alexis swivelled his office chair around to get a better view and waited for Martius to carry on his speech.

"I was just gunna' say, that Hatter has arrived in station C-3"

Alexis started to slowly grin, then breathed through her long nostrils.

"Brilliant." She replied, enlarging her mutated eyes.

The large metallic doors on the other side of the glossy room slid open, revealing a dark figure. The man looked tired, with his hazel eyes droopy and his bed head covered with a violet top hat, however Hatter always looked tired, it was just his natural appearance. Tainted freckles covered his opaque face whilst maroon hair covered his ears, brown bushy eyebrows situated themselves above his Iris's and a wooden walking stick situated itself in his right clutchy hands.

He began to make his way over to Alexis and Martius, swinging his wooden stick around as he strutted.

"I would never disappoint you madam." The man said, biting his lipstick red lips.

"Then where is it?" Alexis replied, raising an eyebrow from her dazzling eye.

Hatter's magical hand dived deep into his velvet blazer pocket and pulled out five cards, facing away from Alexis so she couldn't see.

"Pick a card madam."

Alexis rolled her sparkling eyes and sighed.

"Oh I love magic!" Shouted Martius pulling out a leftover doughnut from his pocket.

Alexis stared over to Martius, who was already in her bad books.

"Ahem." Hatter coughed, regaining the attention from Alexis.

She slithered her pale arms over the cards and randomly chose the middle card and handed it back to Hatter.

"The seven of clubs eh? Ok!"

Hatter then clapped his hands twice, and as he did the bold doors opened once more revealing seven grunts carrying a huge painting above their heads.

"Over here you lunatics!" Hatter shouted as he laughed and pointed to the wall next to Alexis.

The seven grunts marched their way over and placed the painting on the floor leaning it against the hard wall. Alexis stared at the picture, admiring it, the image and frame was taller than Alexis herself!

"You've done well Hatter." Alexis admitted.

"Why thank you madam... So where do you think the blow horn is?"

"Well the painting shows the warrior sleeping with a blow horn hanging from a golden tree, there's only one place."

"The golden archway! Right next to Maple city!"

"Correct Hatter, however that will have to wait as you've just stolen this painting from their art gallery, and also you need to help Lexy find the bow and arrow in paragon cave. I don't trust that girl."

"Yes madam."

Martius swivelled his chair next to Alexis, spinning like a child.

"Cool picture! So um... What can I do?" He asked, as his last mission in Windflower forest didn't go too well and Alexis hadn't had given him anymore since he failed that one.

"You can feed Skarmory, whilst I research more about how accurate these paintings are."

"Oh... Okay." He replied, putting his round head down in shame.

"Oh and this time, don't eat her Pokemon food."

[dirkac]

Well this chapter was... amusing. I wondered what happens in meetings of evil teams, but a semi-normal one like this, gets so crazy? Galactic must be blowing their minds.
Anyway, I liked this chapter a lot. Though there were some grammatical mistakes.

Oh, and... Hatter? From the Mad Hatter? And Alexis sounds similar to Alice... Um... Nice Chapter though...

[jackk]

So I just read 6-8! And wow, the tournament was great! Clarissa wining was nicely done and Damien, amelia and Murdock are great rivals with great personality, Murdock's funny, Damien's mysterious, Clarissa is a ***** and Amelia is odd haha, I like how their Pokemon Mather their personality, very good.
Poor Eevee though Magby did great as aspected.
Chapter eight was also a brilliant chapter introducing a nice plot point and the story you've created is interesting, the weapons, Ho-oh, deadly sins, it's truly amazing how much thought you put into it! Congrats!

[LadyLady]

Well this chapter was... amusing. I wondered what happens in meetings of evil teams, but a semi-normal one like this, gets so crazy? Galactic must be blowing their minds.
Anyway, I liked this chapter a lot. Though there were some grammatical mistakes.

Oh, and... Hatter? From the Mad Hatter? And Alexis sounds similar to Alice... Um... Nice Chapter though...

i really wanted to showcase Alexis' strange personality, and noo Hatter as in he just wears a top hat haha coincidence?

So I just read 6-8! And wow, the tournament was great! Clarissa wining was nicely done and Damien, amelia and Murdock are great rivals with great personality, Murdock's funny, Damien's mysterious, Clarissa is a ***** and Amelia is odd haha, I like how their Pokemon Mather their personality, very good.
Poor Eevee though Magby did great as aspected.
Chapter eight was also a brilliant chapter introducing a nice plot point and the story you've created is interesting, the weapons, Ho-oh, deadly sins, it's truly amazing how much thought you put into it! Congrats!

aww thank you soo much jackk!

ermm ive also decided to when i get time draw my characters, theyre not the best but ya know haha i thought i would anyway, starting with Clarissa...

012.jpg

[Shadow Lucario]

I've finally caught up on all the chapters. While you have improved, there are still common mistakes scattered throughout the chapters. I noticed that most of the time you don't put the end punctuation on speech. It needs either a comma or another form of ending punctuation. On another note, if you use a comma then, unless it's a proper noun, the word after the quotations is lower case. If you used a period then it is capitalized. Example: "Thanks Jim," said Tommy. OR "Thanks Jim." Tommy smiled at his friend. You use commas when there is a verb dealing with the speech such as said. If you use exclaimed then an exclamation mark is put there. Asked is obviously used with a question mark. If there is anything but a period at the end of the speech then the next word is lower case, UNLESS it is a proper noun.

The description improved, but it was still shaky at times. There were listy description and sometimes a text dump even. You want to spread it out over a paragraph or a few sentences depending on what you are describing. Your battle descriptions are lacking and they can be better. Your battles are: 1. This Pokemon used this attack. 2. This is what the attack does. 3. Repeat steps one and two. You can make them so much better than that. Take a look at some other fics on the board and see how they describe their battles. Pokemon still aren't being described. Yes, we all know what a Venonat is, but I don't know many Unova Pokemon and had to look at a picture of Cinncino or whatever and figure out what the hell it was.

The story is moving along slowly, but we're getting there. I expect it to pick up very soon and then bullet straight to the plot. The character's are meh. Jay is coming off as a Stu so far. Gets a rare Pokemon as his starter and then catches two more Pokemon with no complications as well as winning battles with both of those Pokemon without so much as an ounce of training. His devastating loss to Clarissa is what saves him from completely being a Stu, but Clarissa on the other hand? Already has a Gloom? Didn't she just start off as well? And if trainers come from all over the region for that tournament how come no one swooped in with a Dragonite and OHKO the entire competition?

I can still see promise in this fic. Slow down on writing your chapters and make sure they're golden. Make the characters believable. Give them more personality because a lot of them are pretty flat. Off topic, but Clarissa looks just as I pictured her. Also, not a bad drawing. Much better than what I could do. Back to this, listen to your reviewers, which seem to be me and Air Dragon as of now. Air Dragon gives great advice. He's part of the reason I got better at writing. Don't take his reviews as criticism. Take them as advice. It's better him review your fic than a certain banned person. AD will know who I'm talking about. Anyway, add me to the PM list and PM or VM me if you have questions on anything. I'll be glad to help.

Until next time.

[jackk]

Finally finished al chapters, and I must say apart from the few grammatical mistakes (which I really don't care for, I'm a more descriptive and story kinda guy) Its pretty amazing, nothing felt rushed at all (except the first two chapters)

I really, really loe your style of writing, it's so simplistic yet detailed incredibly, the main villains are my favourite, Alexis is crazy! Lexy seems like one day shell just explode as Dow Martius, hatter seems the most loyal to Alexis and omg I just remembered on the wanted poster in a previous chapter Alexis was described as having recently stolen a painting! Nicely done there

I wonder if Amelia finder her "ill' mother will tie into the story and I'm awaiting the return of Damien >:| haha he's great.

Mareep is a great addition to Jay's team! I love Mareep, as does everyone haha, the gym match was brilliant, Eevee's first win, Magby lost so easily, I think his power go to his head a bit aw, I like how you've showed Jay training throughout the fic as most fics completely ignore that aspect.

So Alexis is after the weapons aye? I don't really know why, there most be something in it for the rest of the members... Crazy for power eh.
I'm sure hat will all be explained though, Alexis having heterochromia or whatever it's called is interesting, I wonder if there's reason? Hatter is great too, with his cards anyway. You can tell Lexy doesn't really like Alexis as she previously betrayed her with the money issue, but she still stays... Possibly her only way to make money these days I can picture her turning on her again.

Pm list please

[LadyLady]

@Shadow Lucario

Added! Thank you so much, I do honestly appreciate it! Seriously, as this is my first time at writing. I hope you see an improvement soon!

@jackk

Aw your comments make my day! Of course you can be added! Yea the evil team is my favourite part when writing, I have a great story planned for Alexis, trust me her true motives are gunna be brilliant (well hopefully haha) Lexys motives will come soon as will hatters.

I forgot to add Amelia to the poll (( anyway new chapter! Abit more development for Murdock me thinks

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________________________




Chapter 13 - Crying On White Road

Jay departed from the Blankelet town gym, after saying his goodbyes to Blanca and the charming butler and headed back to route one. Jay and Eevee had now entered route one for the third time, it was just space. Grasslands of space. Eevee loved it however, rolling around in the luscious fresh grass, breathing in the petal scented air that travelled along the moist and clear subtle wind.

"Come along Eevee." Jay smiled. "Apparently white road becomes impossible to find when it gets dark."

"Eeee..." Eevee sighed as she got up from rolling around in the grass and moved in towards Jay's side.

About an hour had passed and Jay and Eevee were sure they were lost, hills of green located in every direction made the route seem like a labyrinth.

On their way down from a hill Jay tripped over something at the bottom and fell straight on the floor.

"Eh," a voice mumbled behind Jay.

Jay turned his body around to see Murdock sleeping on the grass, with small fresh daisy's growing around him.

"Murdock?"

"I don't wanna' be a Raticate..."

"What?"

"Nooooooooooo! Ah!"

Murdock had woken himself up with his own screaming. He looked around to see Jay and Eevee looking at him confused.

"Oh hey guys..." Murdock awkwardly smiled as he scratched his fluffy hair. "I was just having a bad dream haha."

Eevee pouted her lips and raised her eyebrows.

"Oh right, just having a nap in the middle of nowhere are we?" Jay asked.

"Heh, yeaaaa, I suppose."

Jay helped Murdock up from the cozy grass, pleased to see him again.

Murdock yawned and tapped his lips together, "So I'm guessing you're looking for white road?"

"Yes! Me and Eevee have been searching for hours!"

"Well... It's a good job I'm educated in such things..."

"You're educated in everything Murdock."

Murdock just smiled and raised his shoulders, his hazel chestnut eyes looked around at the beautiful scenery.

"I wouldn't go there though..."

"Why not?" Jay asked curiously.

"Apparently a weird Pokemon keeps scaring off trainers and townsfolk."

"Oh Murdock it's nothing we can't handle, is it?"

"Haha I don't know, but if I die can you please tell my mummy I love her, and to stay out of my room and also please warn her to not look under the bed."

"Ummm sure..." Jay replied, concerned for what may actually be lurking under Murdock's bed.

"Lovely, time to shoot then, follow me."

Murdock, Jay and Eevee travelled south, over bountiful plains of grass and little lumps of hills. They slowly came to the entrance of white road, an old fashioned white arch was placed as the gateway whilst rusty bricks built a barrier around the southern side of route one.

"It looks very, um... Nice," Jay said, looking into the misty road.

"It does indeed yes, yes? Shall we proceed?" Murdock replied, quite excitedly.

"Veeeee!" Eevee replied, just as excited as Murdock.

The three of them crept in through the archway and into the fog, below them was an ashy stone path, beautifully crafted.

"I can hardly see anything!"

"Calm down Jay, white road is a one way road, unless we turn around we won't end up anywhere other than Terrafirma city."

"Well that's just peachy," Jay replied continuing to attempt to walk through the mist.

"Stop walking a minute." Murdock said.

"Why?"

"Just stop..."

...

"Can you hear that?" Murdock asked curiously.

"Hear what?" Jay replied confused.

"That?"

"What?"

"That, can you hear it!?"

"What's that?"

"Where?"

"No I mean what your talking about! What is it?"

"It's that!?"

"What!?"

"Can you hear that!?"

"Hear what!?

"What?

"I said hear what?"

"What can you hear!?"

"I can't her anything!?"

"What you on about then!?"

"Ok," Jay replied. "I have no idea what you're going on about."

"It sounds like crying..."

Eevee began to tug on Jay's trousers, prompting him to not go further.

"It's ok Eevee, you're with two Pokemon trainers!" Jay reassured her, but Eevee just rolled her tiny little eyes, a bit frightened too, as was Jay.

"OH MY GOD!" Murdock shouted.

"WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!?" Jay replied panicking.

"I FORGOT TO BUY TEABAGS!"

"What?"

"I was supposed to buy some at the shop back in Blankelet town." Murdock's wide smile inverted.
"You're an idiot." Jay gave a sign of relief and then something travelled into his ears. "Stop... I can actually hear it too," Jay told Murdock. "Come on!"

Both trainers and Eevee travelled quickly ahead of them in curiosity, they then all stopped to see a little girl like figure crying in the middle of the road. They could hardly work out what it was because of the fog, so they crept forward, slowly.

"Little girl... Are you okay?" Jay softly said as he tip toed closer.

"Um Jay?" Murdock whispered.

"Not now Murdock!"

"But Jay... I don't th-"

"Murdock, I'm trying to help, can't you see she's crying?"

"MAAAAAWW!" the little figure roared.

The small girl figure stood up revealing itself, smiling horrendously demoniacally. It looked just like a small toddler, only with a half crocodile, half Venus fly trap for hair. The beige and black object wiped away it's fake tears.

"Ahhhh! It's ugly!" Jay screamed.

"I was trying to tell you..." Murdock sighed. "Come on out Swablu!"

Murdock released his pale blue cloud bird into the mist.

"Now Swablu! Defog!"

"Defog? Your Swablu knows Defog and you've only just decided to use it!?" Jay asked agitated.

"Heh, sorry, I forgot."

Swablu's white fluffy wings flapped away the fog to reveal two people standing a bit behind the sinister Pokemon

"Who are you guys!?" Jay shouted into the distance.

The two dark figures slowly walked into perfect vision for Jay and Murdock. The guy on the left was wearing a grey suit with a black top hat which had a silver feather situated on it, and the woman to the right was wearing a short grey dress with a black velvet bow in her white curly hair.

"We are the elite force!" The woman bellowed.

"Making share that no more people reach Terrafirma city!" the man added.

The woman then carried on, "Under strict orders from commander Lexy, you guys are just not allowed to get past."

"Lexy?" Jay mumbled.

"Now Mawile! Bite attack!" The female grunt shouted.

"Quickly Swablu, fury attack!" Murdock replied defensively.

"You too Eevee, quick attack!" Jay added.

Swablu dived down towards the sketchy Mawile, however Mawile's long jaw like hair span around and trapped Swablu in its mouth.

"Swaaaaa!" Swablu yelped.

Mawile just sinisterly smiled as she clutched Swablu in her mammoth jaw.

"Veeeee!"

Eevee knocked into Mawile shockingly, Mawile fell to the floor releasing Swablu, she then started rubbing her head giving Eevee an evil dirty look.

"Don't take this Mawile! It's just an Eevee!" the male grunt shouted.

Eevee raised her bushy eyebrows and dropped her jaw, she then flicked soft sand at the grunts.

"Vee..."

Sand travelled through the air landing a direct hit on the female grunt.

"Ah!"

The female grunt rubbed her eyes and frowned, breathing heavily.

"How dare you! You little weird pest!" the man exclaimed. "Mawile bite attack once more, and this time don't let go!"

Murdock ran over to his injured Swablu, protecting her from a collision, however Mawile wasn't aiming for Swablu, she was after Eevee.

"Eevee! You use bite too!"

Both Pokemon ran towards each other, Mawile looking much more confident. Mawile's sharp hair swivelled around to crunch on Eevee, however Eevee just slid right under her jaw and attacked from behind. She locked her mouth around Mawile's thin body and locked her teeth onto her then swivelled around and chucked her onto the male grunt.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaw!" she screamed as she flew through the air. Mawile landed on the male grunt and the force knocked him to the floor.

The female grunt looked shocked and picked up her partner.

"Let's get out of here!" she said as she grabbed her team member by the hand and ran towards Terrafirma.

"Eee," Eevee said proudly.

"Eevee you was amazing!" Jay told her.

Murdock walked over to the both of them holding his Swablu in his arms.

"You surely was great Eevee, as was you Swablu! Murdy's proud." He then hugged his Pokemon, being thankful for her.

"Now I think it's time for a cup of tea!" Murdock said excitedly.

Murdock's hand travelled into his rucksack, he then pulled it back out, sobbing.

"What's wrong?" Jay asked.

"I forgot, I have no tea bags!" Murdock's sobbing became worse.

"Hahaha, don't worry Murdy, I'll get you some once we reach Terrafirma!"

Both trainers travelled once more through the hollow white road, reaching the entrance to Terrafirma City, where Jay's next gym match and Murdock's next cuppa' tea awaits.

[dirkac]

Aw, Lady! You didn't PM me :'(

Anyway, I liked the description of this chapter, but Murdock just seems insane because of this... Teabags?

Anyway, I liked how you described Mawile, took me some time to figure out what pokémon it was...

PS, that... THAT WAS THE BEST ENDING EVER!!! next cuppa' tea awaits... *snicker*

[Shadow Lucario]

Now that I'm all caught up I can critique the chapters without worrying if you fixed the mistake already.

Jay and Eevee had now entered route one for the third time, it was just space. Grasslands of space.

Victim number one. There is a comma where it is not needed. For the comma to work you would need to add the word when at the beginning of the sentence. Also, the last part is a fragment. You'll need to fix that up. You can take it out altogether and nothing will be lost.

breathing in the petal scented air that travelled along the moist and clear subtle wind.

Traveled.

Jay smiled, "apparently white road becomes impossible to find when it gets dark."

While smiling is a verb, you can't smile a sentence, therefore you need to have a period after smile. Then apparently would have to be capitalized.

About an hour had passed and Jay and Eevee was sure they were lost, hills of green located in every direction made the route seem like a labyrinth.

This is not correct. When there are multiple people it should be were. Was works for one person so you can take Eevee out and leave the was as is. Either way it needs to change. On another note, this is what we call a case of lazy writing. The events of trying to find the white road could have extended over at least a paragraph, but you crammed it all into one sentence. Not good.

"Eh." A voice mumbled behind Jay.

This is where you need a comma. Since there is a speech verb a comma needs to be used at the end of the dialogue. Then "a" would be lowercase.

"It looks very, um... Nice." Jay said, looking into the misty road.

Comma, not a period.

The three of them crept in through the archway and into the fog, below them was a ashy stone path, beautifully crafted.

Since the word after this starts with a vowel, a changes to an.

"Well that's just peachy." Jay replied continuing to attempt to walk through the mist.

Again, it's a comma and not a period.

"That?"

"What?"

"That, can you hear it!?"

"What's that?"

"Where?"

"No I mean what your talking about! What is it?"

"it's that!?"

"What!?"

"Can you hear that!?"

"Hear what!?

"What?

"I said hear what?"

"What can you hear!?"

"I can't her anything!?"

"What you on about then!?"

I can understand what's going on and who is saying what, but I wouldn't recommend doing this again. Also you missed capitalization on one of the lines.

"Ok." Jay replied, "I have no idea what you're going on about."

Switch the comma and the period.

"Stop... I can actually hear it too." Jay told Murdock.

Comma.

"MAAAAAWW!" The little figure roared.

Lowercase the.

"We are the elite force!" The woman bellowed.

Lowercase the.

"Making share that no more people reach Terrafirma city!" The man added.

Lowercase the.

"Don't take this Mawile! It's just an Eevee!" The male grunt shouted.

Lowercase the.

Sand travelled through the air landing a direct his on the female grunt.

1. Traveled.
2. Hit.

"How dare you! You little weird pest!" The man exclaimed.

Lowercase the.

however Eevee just slid right under her jaw and attacked from the behind.

Take out the or it sounds like Eevee bit Mawile with her butt.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaw!" She screamed as she flew through the air.

Lowercase she.

"Let's get out of here!" She said as she grabbed her team member by the hand and ran towards Terrafirma.

"Eee." Eevee said proudly.

Lowercase she and a comma is needed after Eevee's dialogue.

"Eevee you was amazing!" Jay told her.

Were. If you read this out loud you will see that it's not correct.

"You surely was great Eevee, as was you Swablu! Murdy's proud."

Were.

Murdock's hand travelled into his rucksack, he then pulled it out, sobbing.

Traveled. What did he pull out? You can't just leave it at he pulled it out.

Both trainers travelled once more through the hollow white road,

Traveled.

The same mistakes kept appearing throughout this chapter as well. The description is slowly getting better, but it's still really weak. So is the white road just a road or is it a cave? And why were the grunts there. They seemed like a waste of time. Jay-Stu strikes again! Even though he only started his journey a little over 48 hours ago he's gotten a gym badge and started to whoop evil grunts butts left and right! On a more serious note, how is Jay doing this with having only been a trainer for less than a week? He hasn't trained much, if at all. You're going to need to give him some faults, because as of now it doesn't seem like he has any. That'll deter some readers. You have to make it believable. I know you're excited about your story, but slow it down and make it good. Read it over because the errors are simple mistakes that you can catch by doing a quick run through.

Until next time.

[LadyLady]

Aw, Lady! You didn't PM me :'(

Anyway, I liked the description of this chapter, but Murdock just seems insane because of this... Teabags?

Anyway, I liked how you described Mawile, took me some time to figure out what pokémon it was...

PS, that... THAT WAS THE BEST ENDING EVER!!! next cuppa' tea awaits... *snicker*

Murdocks one of my faves haha, he has that whole british posh personality trait, hence the reason why he stereotypically loves his tea. the whole OH MY GOD bit was supposed to be funny as all the characters were quite scared and thats what hes worrying about the most aha, glad you like it tho! )

Traveled.

The same mistakes kept appearing throughout this chapter as well. The description is slowly getting better, but it's still really weak. So is the white road just a road or is it a cave? And why were the grunts there. They seemed like a waste of time. Jay-Stu strikes again! Even though he only started his journey a little over 48 hours ago he's gotten a gym badge and started to whoop evil grunts butts left and right! On a more serious note, how is Jay doing this with having only been a trainer for less than a week? He hasn't trained much, if at all. You're going to need to give him some faults, because as of now it doesn't seem like he has any. That'll deter some readers. You have to make it believable. I know you're excited about your story, but slow it down and make it good. Read it over because the errors are simple mistakes that you can catch by doing a quick run through.

Until next time.

thank you shadow lucario! ive gone through and edited! unbelievable haha. i dont think Jays a 'mary sue' at all tbh tho, hes lost loads of matches compared to how many hes had, at least half i would think. And as for travelling, your spelling it the american english way, were as thats not how its spelled over here in england aha, i was like 'what is he on about' aha. the rusksack arm thing should of probably been more clearer so ive edited it, he pulled his arm back out haha, thank you o much for the review tho! u da best

[jackk]

What a great chapter, this made me love Murdock! Which I voted for on the poll haha, I voted for everyone...

I love the setting you used, and @Shadow Lucario, the grunts where there to not anyone pass into Terrafirma, where I believe the evil team is looking for the weapon?

The conversation Murdock and Jay had, did give me a small chuckle as did the dramatic TEABAGS! Haha Murdock loves his tea, is just me or does all the evil team members have steel types? I'd that intentional I wonder, and why? Hmmmm...

Can't wait for the next chapter! Terrafirma sounds interesting I'm gunna guess rock or ground type? Can't wait! Ah!

[Shadow Lucario]

thank you shadow lucario! ive gone through and edited! unbelievable haha. i dont think Jays a 'mary sue' at all tbh tho, hes lost loads of matches compared to how many hes had, at least half i would think. And as for travelling, your spelling it the american english way, were as thats not how its spelled over here in england aha, i was like 'what is he on about' aha. the rusksack arm thing should of probably been more clearer so ive edited it, he pulled his arm back out haha, thank you o much for the review tho! u da best

The funny thing is I knew you were British. XD Now I feel racist. Anyway, I feel he's a stu in that everything comes wayyy too easy to him. He just seems perfect. Is there some type of inner turmoil? Does he feel the need to be perfect for some reason we don't know? Are his parents the ones who made him that way?

[LadyLady]

The funny thing is I knew you were British. XD Now I feel racist. Anyway, I feel he's a stu in that everything comes wayyy too easy to him. He just seems perfect. Is there some type of inner turmoil? Does he feel the need to be perfect for some reason we don't know? Are his parents the ones who made him that way?

Haha omg, and no, he's far from perfect, he's over curious, and leads him astray. Eevee's grown stronger, she never used to be as strong, and Mareeps just had her first win.

[ChloboShoka]

Hello I'm here from the review game.

The sun began to shine through Jay and Eevee's tent, they slowly awoke from the radiating heat and the cry of the local Pedoves that resided in windflower forest.*

I think this would be a bit better as two separate sentences, but it still works because I can imagine what's going on. I think your writing style is fine because it's easy to read, understand and absorb what's going on. Such what I just quoted. Although when you write Pedoves, did you mean Pidoves?

You portrayed the characters pretty well I think. I like how the personalities came out such as with Jay, Eevee and the Magby. I think it's an improvement compared to the previous chapters, which you said on the review game you didn't need reviewing.

"I see" Jay informed Eevee, "this Magby must be exhausted!" Jay grabbed an Oran berry from his rucksack and moved slowly towards Magby. Magby could see Jay coming closer and closer and eventually attacked, but this time only black smoke was produced.

Jay was nice to give Magby an oran berry. This scene shows a lot about Jay as a character. I think there should be a comma after I see and I think that the this before Magby should have a capital letter.

I read chapters 1-10, and I think I can see myself reading the rest of the chapters too. I really liked the story because I thought it was really amusing and had a really nice personality to the story. I liked the cliffhanger on chapter six and I must admit I was routing for Magby. From the looks of it it sounds like Jay is going to have an adorable team.

There's a couple of things to work on, which I think many people have already commented on before. It's mainly spelling and grammar errors. So watch out for typos and don't forget to look up pokemon's names for the right spelling. If ever you're stuck, type how you think you spell a pokemon's name onto google.

I also think it would be a good idea (although you might have done it already) is to edit the first couple of chapters. You've said a lot of times that your first two chapters are the worst. Overtime, I've seen great improvements in pace, grammar and writing. I think if you keep editing them along the way it will make the readers feel loved.

[LadyLady]

Hello I'm here from the review game.


I think this would be a bit better as two separate sentences, but it still works because I can imagine what's going on. I think your writing style is fine because it's easy to read, understand and absorb what's going on. Such what I just quoted. Although when you write Pedoves, did you mean Pidoves?

You portrayed the characters pretty well I think. I like how the personalities came out such as with Jay, Eevee and the Magby. I think it's an improvement compared to the previous chapters, which you said on the review game you didn't need reviewing.



Jay was nice to give Magby an oran berry. This scene shows a lot about Jay as a character. I think there should be a comma after I see and I think that the this before Magby should have a capital letter.

I read chapters 1-10, and I think I can see myself reading the rest of the chapters too. I really liked the story because I thought it was really amusing and had a really nice personality to the story. I liked the cliffhanger on chapter six and I must admit I was routing for Magby. From the looks of it it sounds like Jay is going to have an adorable team.

There's a couple of things to work on, which I think many people have already commented on before. It's mainly spelling and grammar errors. So watch out for typos and don't forget to look up pokemon's names for the right spelling. If ever you're stuck, type how you think you spell a pokemon's name onto google.

I also think it would be a good idea (although you might have done it already) is to edit the first couple of chapters. You've said a lot of times that your first two chapters are the worst. Overtime, I've seen great improvements in pace, grammar and writing. I think if you keep editing them along the way it will make the readers feel loved.

Ah thank you so much!