Jays Journey Through The Henzo Region (PG)

[Air Dragon]

@ dirkac

... Congratulations Jay! Your first loss!

Uh, it technically isn't... first gym loss, though? Absolutely. :P

Anyway, I thought Vibrava was depicted very well. It was a surprise that Jay actually knew it was a ground type instead of a Bug Type though :P

Uh, Vibrava is a ground type. Ground/ Dragon, to be exact.

I wonder what's inside Amelia's egg... Red and Blue, they correspond to... Nosepass... But Nosepass isn't a ground type... Argh, this is going to drive me crazy.

My guess?     Spoiler:

Show Spoiler

 
Phanpy
 

OK, this is going to be the last time I do this, so I will be as nice as possible...

'Wake up Jay!' Murdock shouted as he hung from the top bunk like a Primape, 'you get up now please!'

OK, from what you’ve written here, I can surmise two things:

1, Murdock is asking someone to wake Jay up. The lack of a comma in the first speech tells me that.

2, Murdock either doesn’t have a solid grasp on grammar, or he’s talking in a patronizing baby voice just to upset someone, or said person doesn’t understand complete sentences. ‘you get up now please!’ Wow. I would correct it but we’ve been over this as in it’s an obnoxious thing to do.

Jay felt the cotton and silk being swept away from his desired body

(Adopts Russian body builder/DBZ Cell's voice) My body, my perfect body...

Not wrong, per se, but the word 'desired' there is a bit off. Did he trade bodies with someone off-screen? However, I'm glad it wasn't mine. (No matter what he looks like...) Hehehe...

Granbull is the laziest Pokemon the world has ever come across i will most probably lose'

...I will most probably lose.

Murdock frowned at Jay, in a joking kind of way however.

So did I. “Cup of tea”? Where did THAT come from, Jay? O.o

…headed west to were the gym was apparently located, according to Jay.

Headed west to where

The cities buildings were as vintage as Murdock's rucksack,

I can see what you’re doing here. However the word cities used here is being used in the wrong way. When someone says cities, they are referring to the plural of the word city, as in more than one. If you’re describing the buildings found in a city, then the possessive city’s is needed. Even if you were describing the architecture of more than one city, then the possessive cities’ should be applied.

'Whats she doing?' Jay whispered to Murdock, covering his mouth with his hands.

The word Whats needs an apostrophe to show that it is a contraction of the words What is, as in “What is she doing?”

it's round shape and there was another one.

And by that same measure, I’m pretty sure the word it’s here isn’t referring to It is, but its, as in ‘its round shape’.

'Wow that's amazing Amelia!' Jay shouted.

I think we noticed. Jay certainly yelled loudly enough earlier to warrant the observation. A vocative comma is needed after the word ‘amazing’ to show that Jay is talking TO Amelia, not ABOUT her.

Murdock just stared at Jay, 'hahahaha, you serious? Ok, whatever lets go!'

Let’s (as in ‘Let us’)

…as fast a the eye could blink

…as fast as the eye could blink.

…countered from high in the stadium with dragon breath.

Violet plasma emerged from Vibrava's wide mouth and rapidly landed a direct hit on Mareep who went flying in the air.

Shadow made this point out with the Astonish manouevre (first quote), and I’m impressed at how your attack descriptions have improved (second quote). However, their combination, whilst not wrong, is mashed up a bit haphazardly. Either the second paragraph could be tweaked just a little to show the attack in motion a bit more than it does now, or the words ‘dragon breath’ could have been taken out of the first paragraph and replaced with some sort of telltale action that would let the reader see what’s coming next. As you’ve said the attack came from Vibrava’s mouth, you could mention it opening its mouth and/or gathering the energy.

Tl;dr? Show what is happening, don’t tell. And if you do, let it flow naturally. I'd show you, but I'm not rewriting your work.

'Jheez,' Murdock mumbled under his breath, 'everyone knows that.'

Apparently Jay didn’t… derp. :P

    Spoiler:

Show Spoiler

 
Reviewer's note: You want me to picture Jay in my own mind, right? I got it: An Ash Ketchum expy, down to the looks and scatterbrained-ness. Only with three hundred percent more testosterone. Unnatural yelling when in the company of beautiful ladies… making horrific type matchups in battle (Quick Attack on a Gengar after competing in four leagues, anyone?) So Ash.
 

Plus, the boldened word is spelled Geez. Just saying. You can look it up.

'Return Mareep, you did your best.'

I think it was Jay’s job to return Mareep. The way it’s written here, you make it sound like he’s telling someone else to do it for him. Perhaps a vocative comma after the word Return?

'ok Klement, you win this round but this match has just began! Go Eevee!'

Another one needed after the word Go here. Otherwise Jay would be telling Klement to do something not yet known to man. Also, if you’re not going to capitalize the word OK, when starting a sentence with it, please at least make the O a capital letter.

Vibrava once again began to cast sand around its body forming lots of it, he then hurled the sand at Magby at which it enveloped him, like a cocoon.

I think a full stop after the word ‘body’ and by extension capitalizing the word ‘forming’ would make this neater. If you’re still determined to have it as one sentence, maybe a colon (:) or a semi-colon (;) showing a brief pause between the phrases would help.

Your description IS getting neater, though.

'Finish this Vibrava! Sonic boom!'

Ooh, can we eat Vibrava? No? Aww…

Point here? You guessed it, a vocative comma is needed here to show that Klement is giving a command to his Vibrava.

Tl;dr (or too offensive)? Please, please, I’m begging you, PLEASE… read over this stuff. Preferably before posting. You are still missing apostrophes and commas where you need them, and although the homonym clause is scant, it does show up on occasion.

I will applaud you on your improved attack description. You really are taking the time and making the effort to get it done, and I’m grateful. It’s becoming much easier to read.

However (and this is when I get stern), the main point of writing ANYTHING (reports, stories, logbook entries, scanty notes, warning signs) is that it can be READ. No amount of mollycoddling or using baby gloves can change that fact. I personally get a physical tick whenever someone writes something in barely legible language and makes it sound like he holds all the cards and is thus never wrong (not strictly you, it’s a general thing) but we’re eighteen chapters in and even after Jax went over the same corrections Shadow and I did nicely, you do them again. Regardless, people do like this and don’t seem to care about the grammar issues. And truth be told, it IS quite an interesting story you’re building so far. I still stand by what I said before: the main point of any of us writing and posting fiction of any type to this board is so people can read them. Whether they criticize or gush min- erm, endless praise for it, they can read it. And when people do the former, you can’t just say

I personally prefer to deliver a story not just a piece of writing that's flawless, like grammar isn't something I personally care that much about especially when you reviewers are telling me things that I have never heard or cared about.

And think that will make it a masterpiece. Like Jax said, it is a major pain in the butt, but grammar sweeps will help the reader get into the story more. If it weren’t no one would bother and grammar would essentially be obsolete on the boards. A LOT of stories would be finished much sooner if grammar didn’t matter.

Bottom line, please proofread the chapter before you post it on the forum boards. I’ve done all I can, but if the stuff I talk about is something you never ‘cared about’, all I can do is wish you the best of luck.

L@er.

[LadyLady]

can I just say a big thank you to everyone who's been reading and reviewing and everything honestly I may sometimes forget to reply to you lot but knows rly u guys are the best

thank you

[Quilava42]

Note that I'm reviewing like Chapter One... so bear with it.

Jays eyes pierced open, his dark pupils edged sideways to see his alarm clock at 5:59. He patiently waited for the digits to change and as soon as the time hit 6:00 he leaped out of his warm toasty bed and got dressed straight away. He was that excited about receiving his starter pokemon that when he was running down the stairs he took a little tumble. After recovering from the fall he ran to the living room to see his mother.

Jays should be Jay's. And straight away? Do you mean right away? And woah, what a curious person. xD But the sentence is a bit weird by reading it, that's where you should put commas like.

"He was fixed on getting his Pokemon Starter as he ran down the stairs, then he fell down a bit on his legs."(Don't write it like I did, but this was how I tried to do it.)

"Morning, ma! Today's the day!"

Jays mother sat up and told jay to come take a seat, she looked cautious.

Wait, where is she at? And again, do Jay's, since it's possessive. And capitalize Jay. And the comma splice is unnecessary, use a period.

"I wanted to tell you sooner, but your father told me not to." A worried expression began to appear on Jay's face.

"Professor Blossom has unfortunately run out of starter Pokemon..."

Jay's eyes began to boil up. "However!" quickly snapped Jay's mother. "There's no need to worry; your father has kindly sent you a Pokemon he previously caught. We both really hope you enjoy her!"

There's nothing wrong with the two sentences, but the last sentence where it said, "We both really hope you enjoy her!" is strange.

Try, "We both really hope you enjoy the Pokemon!"

Jays mother handed Jay his first pokeball, his eyes grew big and bright, and with that he was ready for his adventure.

I won't repeat the apostrophe again. Poke Ball is two words. >-< And another comma splice. And there's issue with clarity where you said his. Just say "Jay's" to make sure.

Jay threw his pokeball in the air, shouting the words "I choose you" and out came an Eevee, Jay was in awe, he didn't know whether to be happy or upset. There was a slight awkwardness as evee and Jay made eye contact.

You misspelled Eevee when you said it the second time. And how would he know that he doesn't know his emotion when he is experiencing this by himself? Again, use Poke Ball. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. And describe how Eevee and Jay have weird awkwardness, as in their facial expression, how they react, how they stare. It may be hard for you, but see guides or other stories to figure out what I'm trying to elaborate.

Jays mother quickly noticed. "Jay... Don't you think that your Eevee is cute?"

Nothing wrong.

However being truthfully honest Jay didn't want a 'cute' Pokemon, he wanted a fierce, strong pokemon. In his mind Jay had been playing out scenarios such as battling with a flaming charizard or a ruthless empoleon. Jay then snapped back to reality and stormed out the door, evee followed. Whilst walking through Jays home town 'windflower town' he headed south to windflower forest, he began to mumble to himself.

Wow, he didn't even respond to his mother's question? D: That's abrupt, and he would daydream about something just because of an Eevee looking weak. I can understand how he feels to have a weak looking Pokemon but still.

"Who does she think she is...i deserve bett...the league..what to do."

Capitalize I. And properly space the sentences after the ellipses, because it seemed as if they're one word bunched up together, and ellipses end as three, where you did two after "league".

Eevee stared at Jay, she tried hard for attention but Jay was too focused on the matter of hand to even notice Eevee. With Jays mumbling getting excessively worst and with him staring at the floor whilst walking he didn't realise that he had suddenly bumped into what seemed to be a large metal wall. Jay looked up and realised it was the back of a Skarmory, Jay stood is shock whilst Eevee was pulling on Jays trousers. Jay noticed there was a dark figure sitting on top of Skarmory, the figure turned around. Jay saw that it was a woman, a skinny woman with rugged ash white hair and dark purple witch-like clothing, she had enough gold jewellery to blind a child and was clutching onto a silver rod with a violet orb located on the end.

I don't get what you're trying to say with your grammar of the first three sentences, you mean,

"Eevee laid a straight stare at Jay, trying hard to catch his attention. But Jay was too distracted of the matter at hand because of getting Eevee. As he was unintentionally walking towards a steel wall, his mumbling got worse and he banged the wall, and it clattered a metal sound."

And really? He doesn't even think how an Eevee can evolve into strong foxes? And it's "jewelry" and "realized." And try saying "pulled his trousers", that way it's sounds stronger and even if this is past tense, it brings more of an impact, as was is what you use in a flashback.

"Skarmory... Razor wind my beauty." The woman softly commanded.

Don't you mean, "Razor Wind"?

Jay then suddenly noticed she was carrying about four briefcases entitled 'windflower bank' but before Jay could say anything, Skarmory was twenty feet in the air attacking with a razor wind.

Actually, describe how Skarmory uses Razor Wind. Literally saying that doesn't really give an impact. It's not like the game. Try describing how it quickly flaps its silver wings furiously and glowing razors flies downwards. And you're lacking actions. When did Skarmory actually fly up?

"Ahhhh!" Jay panicked, and covered his face preparing for the worst, about 10 seconds had passed and Jay still didn't feel any different, he then opened his eyes sluggishly to see a warn out and brutally hurt Eevee lying in front of him.

Another comma splice. And describe how Eevee is hurt though. Describe the scratches all over her furry body and her condition.

Jay stood silently, his face in distraught. He kneeled down and held Eevee in his arms.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and ran back home.

End with a period after he said "Sorry."

Falora (Jays mother) released her roserade and had her take care of Eevee, whist Jay began a mild therapy session.

Wait, where are they? And why didn't you say her name earlier?

"Don't worry, Eevee will be fine, what you need to focus on now though is your journey, now you have received your starter Pokemon, you can travel around the Henzo region and challenge the Henzo gym leaders!" Reassured Falora.

No need to capitalize reassured. And why would a witch attack his Pokemon like that? He didn't even start a battle and even if I have no issue with this, no one would actually do this.

"I've let her down mum, she trusted in me, but I was a coward."

"There's no point dwelling on that right now! The best thing you can do is be there for Eevee when she needs you most!"

Jay nodded his head, he then grabbed Eevee and gave her a cuddle, Eevee was just coming through with the help of an Oran berry.

The last sentence has a comma splice. And remove "then", just say "and he".

"Anyway Jay! I think it's time for you to receive your pokedex and head on your journey!" Replied Falora attempting to take Jays mind of Eevee.

Don't you ever capitalize "replied", and there should be a comma after her name.

"Hm" Jay quickly replied and picked up Eevee carefully, then headed straight for professor blossoms lab on the east side of town.

He just replied with that. And really, I kind of sense no emotion by that response. And say "Professor Blossom's".

Jay stared at his surroundings, he could see his home town, full with sunflowers that would wave to him as the wind blew, short stumpy cottages with silky smoke peering from the chimneys. He could smell the fresh essence of the flowers and feel the wind gently brushing his face. On his way he noticed officer Jenny and her workmen sealing of the windflower bank, he quickly scurried over there and explained to her what had happened.

I have an issue with how you describe the sunflowers. They can't technically wave to him. They would "dance". And capitalize "Officer".

"Hmm yes. It seems you had an encounter with Alexis Stain" officer Jenny told Jay.

End the sentence with a comma after Stain and Jay since you're continuing the dialogue I quoted below.

"An escaped convict and master art and money thief, the police have been searching for her for about 6 months now, no one really knows what she's up to."

That makes sense now.

Jay looked confused as he's never heard of her before, he then said his goodbyes to officer Jenny and carried on towards the lab.

He looked confused? Again, show how he is confused.

"Hello!? Anybody hear?" Jay shouted as he barged through the lab door.

"Here?" And why would he barge in to the laboratory? That's abrupt.

"Ahh Jay my lovely little turnip, I was expecting you hehe" blossom quietly replied.

Professor blossom had wavy long pink hair and bright blue eyes, her lab coat was way too big for her and so was her thick black glasses.

I won't describe the same issues as before. And where did she come from? You should have described her earlier when you presented her out of nowhere. He didn't find her until she just came with dialogue. That's... forced.

"A disappointment?" Jay quickly interrupted, blossoms face looked confused.

End with a period after "interruped".

"Well then, I'm glad everything turned out ok for my little carrot cake, here is your pokedex, and here are some cute little pokeballs! Yay"

professor blossom started doing a little celebration dance, she got into it so much that she didn't even realise Jay had already left. Thrusting her little arms up and down.

"This is it Eevee! Our own adventure, me and you!" Eevee stared into Jays eyes to see that she had finally been accepted as a worthy partner.

The ending of this seems very pleasing.

I seen your latest chapter, and you have certainly improved. Even if this is the first chapter, it seemed a little rushed. Mainly your grammar needs some work, so I suggest you read other people's stories to help you out with that so you can improve it.

[LadyLady]

Thank you so much quilava42!! I know the first chapter is a mess haha but thank you for reading! The only things I would dispute with you however are the spelling of jewellery and the sunflowers waving, I don't see nothing wrong with that.

Anyway guys I've put together the bio's of all the mane characters, they're on the first post and I'm also gunna put them here


Jay Gold: Jay is a curious 16 year old boy who has been anticipating his journey ever since he could remember, his curiosity and desire to know things usually get him into trouble. Jay's dream is to compete and win the Henzo league, and he will stop at nothing to get there. Kind hearted but also sometimes arrogant, Jay tends to always put his Pokemon first, friends are a big part of Jay's life now. He has always been a momma's boy, especially since he never sees his dad.

Eevee: Tackle, Bite, Sand Attack, Quick Attack - after receiving Eevee as his starter Jay wasn't impressed, but as Eevee began to show compassion for her trainer Jay began to feel it too and now no bond could be tighter. Except with the introduction of Magby, Eevee's jealousy grows more and more, unable to cope with the fact that Eevee now has to share Jay and blames Magby for her loss of a bond that Jay and Eevee don't share anymore.

Magby: Ember, Smog, Leer, Smokescreen - Magby was alone in Windflower Forest when Jay first found him, sick and tired. Magby saw that Jay wanted to help and that was all it took for Magby to be hooked. Magby had never know so much love and for that reason he cherishes Jay.

Mareep: Mareep was found in a metal cage belonging to Lexy Lutorious, who planned on using Mareep's golden fur for a new coat. Mareep is Jay's powerhouse and when she gets angry she really does let of an electrical storm. Sometimes however grateful for Jay saving her she feels she's too good for him, that he doesn't know how to handle her. Mareep sometimes misses her hills back on route one however she always remembers that Jay is here and that without him she most probably wouldn't be.

Clarissa Quartz: Originally from Ecruteak City in the Johto region Clarissa moved to Henzo to begin her Pokemon journey. Strong willed and has a thing for Playing pranks on people especially with her best friend Gastly. She sees Jay as a rival, Clarissa being 17 also sees Jay as an 'amateur' not knowing what he's doing. Clarissa sees everyone as a rival however as for her losing is not an option, and she shows this in her battling although she does attempt to play dirty. Clarissa also has a thing for Murdock, however she wouldn't dare let anyone know about that, her mind is like a padlock locking secrets within it, especially when it comes to Lexy and Gertrude. Clarissa cares for Gertrude like a little sister, she may boss her around but she really does appreciate her friendship.

Gastly: Thunder Bolt, Curse, Night Shade, Sucker Punch - Gastly was first obtained in the Tin Tower in the Johto region, however Clarissa did not have to battle Gastly as they already had a connection as soon as they met. Gastly tries to be funny but finds it hard, especially when he attempts to push the boundaries, Gastly likes to play rough and he shows this in his battles.

Gloom: Sweet Scent, Acid, Poison Powder, Absorb - Gloom was caught as an oddish in Windflower Forest, since then she had intense training with Clarissa and soon evolved in to the sinister Gloom, Clarissa's powerhouse. Gloom is also not afraid of being sneaky and playing dirty as she enjoys seeing her rivals faint and causing as much damage as possible.

Murdock Bartholomew: Murdock is a 16 year old from Maple City, near the centre of Henzo. Murdock has always been overlooked as the 'son' and never really has the chance to be anyone but what others wanted him to be, so he started his Pokemon journey and soon became best friends with Jay. Murdock isn't the strongest of trainers however he always has a heart of Gold and really does try his best. Murdock despises Clarissa and has a dream to compete in the Henzo league too along with Jay. Most of the time Murdock is Lazy and only focusing on tea, however if Murdock is excited he will hold everything off and proceed to do what was making his so excited as he's one of the most impatient human beings in the Pokeworld.

Swablu: Sing, Peck, Astonish - Swablu is Murdock's first Pokemon, originally caught at the Maple Walkway. Swablu was a weapon used by Murdock to get back at his farther as hes sick of being in his shadow, as his dad hates flying types. However once getting to know Murdock Swablu didn't mind as she and him began to bond. Swablu tries her hardest in battles but usually just falls short.

Granbull: Thunder Fang, Ice Fang, Fire Fang, Tackle - Granbull was a Pokemon given to him by a friend in Maple city, unable to follow orders and Lazy, just like Murdock. Granbull doesn't care about Murdock on the outside but if Murdock was to disown Granbull he would be devastated. Granbull can't show emotion towards Murdock as he feels it will just be awkward and Murdock will want nothing more to do with him.

Nidoran: Peck, Poison Sting, Focus Energy, Double Kick - Free spirited Nidoran is Murdock's third Pokemon, and caught in Terrafirma City were Nidoran had been following Jay and Murdock since they left Paragon Cave. Nidoran isn't the strongest of Pokemon but he sure does fight, cheeky and always wanting to be the centre of attention Nidoran tries to out due his teammates.

Damien Stoner: A sore loser who specialises in textiles and a big fashion diva, the 15 year old Damien first became more self absorbed than he usually was when he lost in Blankelet towns annual tournament, for this he holds a grudge towards Jay for giving him his first ever loss. Damien has a strong bond with his Pokemon however the same cant be said for his friends, Damien prefers to be on his own so he can spend time just one on one with his Pokemon. Damien too also wants to compete in the Henzo League.

Drowzee: Pound, Confusion, Hypnosis, Disable - Drowzee is Damien's best friend and most agile battler, Drowzee likes to have a good time and doesn't take himself too seriously, he knows this annoys Damien an that's one of the reasons why he does it.

Charmander: Scratch, Growl, Ember, Dragon Rage - Charmander was given to Damien by an old man in Paragon Cave, Charmander accepted his fate and has stayed loyal with Damien ever since. Charmander always sees other fire types as a rival, and declares fights. However afraid of being neglected Charmander always attempts to make friends, usually with the enemies.

Amelia Rose: A young elegant 16 year old girl who's on a journey to find her mum, left with her aunty at the age of 2 in Duskfall City Amelia remembers nothing about her mother. Amelia is a shy girl who is very insecure of the way she looks, she shows this by always covering her left eye with her pale white hair. Amelia tries her best to fit in however somehow can't and finds herself different, however she has no idea how much everyone loves her and her innocence.

Larvitar: Bite, Sandstorm, Rockslide, Screech - Larvitar was given to Amelia as an egg from her Aunty when Amelia was 15. Amelia cherished the egg until one day it hatched and she was ready for her adventure. Larvitar is loyal to Amelia and wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Larvitar can be fussy at times but Amelia doesn't mind this as she too can be just as picky.

Venonat: Leech Life, Tackle, Disable, Confusion - Venonat is Amelia's first ever capture, capturing the small bug in Windflower Forest. Venonat is Amelia's pride, she loves bug and dark types and likes to show of Venonat as much as possible. Venonat doesn't mind this however and loves the spot light, just like Jays Eevee. Venonat likes to meditate with Amelia occasionally.

Egg:

Gertrude Yadalayli : 15 year old Gertrude from Vermanite City met Clarissa whilst exploring the region, Clarissa is her best friend and she doesn't mind that she bosses her around because for Gertrude Clarissa is her only friend. However Clarissa soon began to get a little jealous when she introduced Gerty to the gang but nothing Gertrude's shy brain picked up on. Gertrude is on a mission to compete in gym matches and enter the Henzo league, she is in fact the most experienced of the gang.

Camerupt: Lava Plume, Take Down, Amnesia, Focus Energy - First given to her as a Numel when she visited Combustion Village by her grandmother, Gertrude trained hard with Numel who soon evolved into Gertrude's powerhouse Camerupt. Camerupt doesn't really feel emotions, only for those of Gertrude and he will do anything in his power to know that she's safe.

Pinsir: Vice Grip, Focus Energy, Bind, Seismic Toss - Pinsir is a Pokemon Amelia caught in Phantasmal Forest when she was exploring the region, Pinsir is another power house of Amelia's. Pinsir tends to get bored easily as he believes he's the strongest Pokemon and unbeatable. A more confident and cocky Pokemon is unimaginable.

Alexis Stain: the 29 year old Alexis is the boss of the Elite Force who plan to awaken to Phoenix that's apparently resting in Mt.bloodshot. Alexis doesn't care for people, she only cares for Pokemon and shows this with her bond for her favourite, Skarmory. Alexis has heterochromia and this seems to be a metaphor on her self for her split personality. Alexis was driven mad, for some unknown reason and she shows no respect towards her Elite Commanders or her grunts who do her dirty work. However Alexis does indeed from time to time steal rare paintings. Alexis also has a few code names, such as 'The Grey Lady' 'Miss Titanny' and 'Madam'. Alexis has a plan to take over the Henzo region, but she's keeping a secret, something hidden from the rest of the Elite Force.

Skarmory: Razor Wind, Night Slash, Steel Wing, Metal Sound - Skarmory is Alexis' prize possession, Skarmory can't be left two minutes without Alexis. Skarmory has a duty towards Alexis in that she feels she needs to do. Skarmory gets treated with over exaggerated love and doesn't mind being put first all the time.

Martius IV: Martius, an elite commander for the grey lady, Martius is usually clumsy, careless and unsure. He's rumoured to be in line for prince somewhere, but that's only a rumour. Martius wants nothing more than to be in control, years of bullying and abuse led Martius to join the Elite Force and pursue his dreams.

Lairon: Iron Head, Metal Claw, Mud Slap, Headbutt - Lairon is Martius' signature Poormon, Lairon doesn't really care for Martius neither does Martius really care for Lairon, they just 'get on with it' and Lairon obeys Martius without question.

Lexy Lutorious: 17 years old Lexy is the youngest in the Elite Force and ex girlfriend of Hatter. She has a secretive past that somehow corresponds to Clarissa's. Lexy is a materialistic girl usually capable of getting what she wants, when she wants. She's had a rough past and now seeing Clarissa in Henzo is sure to bring back memories. Lexy wants one thing from Alexis, and that's money although she does actually care for Metang, in the long run she's in it for herself, or is she?

Metang: Bullet Punch, Iron Defence, Agility, Psychic: Metang was given to Lexy as a present from Alexis, Metang is a strong willed Pokemon who adores Lexy even though Lexy couldn't care less. This is trouble for Metang as this behaviour just makes him want to be even more loyal and win the heart of Lexy.

Hatter: 21 year old Elite commander of the Elite force and former boyfriend of Lexy. Hatter denies having feelings for Lexy and says that he only used her, however Hatter seems to get jealous or upset when someone's talking to Lexy or battling her, afraid to show his emotions he counters this energy with evil and disregard. Hatters farther was a magician but unfortunately died due to being murdered by a person in a mask when Hatter was 14 in Castelia City in Unova, he still follows in his foot steps, looking up to him.

Bisharp: Metal Claws, Swords Dance, Slash, Fury Cutter - Bisharp is Hatters signature Pokemon, his mother gave it to him as his starter when he lived in Unova. Bisharp has an evil streak in him and is in the elite force for the same reason hatter is, power.

[Quilava42]

Thank you so much quilava42!! I know the first chapter is a mess haha but thank you for reading! The only things I would dispute with you however are the spelling of jewellery and the sunflowers waving, I don't see nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I was wrong about the sunflowers, but search up the word jewelry and you'll see. And no problem.

[Chibi_Muffin]

Actually, jewellery (as well as the s in realised) is the British spelling, it's not wrong, just a different way to the American method. =/

Anyway, I read your last two chapters and they're pretty good! Having a gym leader be the daycare guy as well is very unique. You do have a few grammatical mistakes though, such as forgetting to put apostrophes in words like 'You're' and 'They're' at times. It would also be a good idea to put commas after the 'hahaha's. The others have mentioned this, though. I also think that your battle style is a little repetitive, it normally goes 'Person A shouts a command, Person B (if there is one) says their command, Pokemon attack'. It might be a good idea to change the order a bit. Other than that, it's not too bad, the characters certainly seem to have a decent bit of personality and your description is pretty good. Just listen to any useful advice, and keep writing as best you can!

I like the bios you've written as well, they are quite informative and give just enough information about the character without being too long. There are a few spelling mistakes though: you wrote 'mane characters', like a horse's mane, rather than main; in Nidoran's bio, it says Porkmon rather than Pokemon; and Charmander's says tire types instead of Fire types. It might be a good idea to read though after writing to see if you made any mistakes like these.

[LadyLady]

Actually, jewellery (as well as the s in realised) is the British spelling, it's not wrong, just a different way to the American method. =/

Anyway, I read your last two chapters and they're pretty good! Having a gym leader be the daycare guy as well is very unique. You do have a few grammatical mistakes though, such as forgetting to put apostrophes in words like 'You're' and 'They're' at times. It would also be a good idea to put commas after the 'hahaha's. The others have mentioned this, though. I also think that your battle style is a little repetitive, it normally goes 'Person A shouts a command, Person B (if there is one) says their command, Pokemon attack'. It might be a good idea to change the order a bit. Other than that, it's not too bad, the characters certainly seem to have a decent bit of personality and your description is pretty good. Just listen to any useful advice, and keep writing as best you can!

I like the bios you've written as well, they are quite informative and give just enough information about the character without being too long. There are a few spelling mistakes though: you wrote 'mane characters', like a horse's mane, rather than main; in Nidoran's bio, it says Porkmon rather than Pokemon; and Charmander's says tire types instead of Fire types. It might be a good idea to read though after writing to see if you made any mistakes like these.

omg chibimuffin were have you been! :O

Aye it's good for you to be back I'm gonna totally check the spellings right now haha I'm such a doughnut

and yeah I'm having a little struggle with the battles, need to experiment abit I think.

and I'm still waiting for my cupcake gurrrrrlll

[LadyLady]

For everyone whos interested i have completely edited the first two chapters, i hope the grammer and stuff is flawless now! also i added some more description and sorted out nmoves that just didnt work (gastly and eevee) and well yeah, thank you all for reading btw)

[jackk]

Just re read the first and second chapter! Gastly having thunder bolt was way more efficient than lick, I also read the bio's they're really good Lady, like Chibi_Muffin said they don't give too much away but they're a nice insight to the characters and their Pokemon. Reading them made me feel more connected to the trainers and the villains and there Pokemon. You can tell you've put in alot of thought.

[deh74]

Can ghastly rally learn thunderbolt. I also went back and retread and it what you did made a huge difference. It was so much easier to read.

[jackk]

Can ghastly rally learn thunderbolt. I also went back and retread and it what you did made a huge difference. It was so much easier to read.

Gastly can learn thunder bolt only through TM though

[lucypendrix]

16 - Double Battle With Interest - thsi was a nice chapter, not only do we learn were Damien's been hiding but also that he owns a Charmander, nice. It's good to the groups always meeting it gives you opportunities as a writer but also givers the reader new characters to explore and hate, like and love. Murdock and Clarissa's race was well executed, funny and charming you can really see how dependent Clarissa is towards Gertrude and the other way round when Clarissa is having her tantrum.
17 - A Creeping Creature - Nidoran? That was unexpected haha, not too sure I can see Murdock with Nidoran however him owning a nidoking eventually would suit him. He is in need if stronger pokemon to compete with the rest of the characters and tbh I feel he's getting there, only however.
18 - Vs Klement: The Earth Shattering Gym Leader - Orella? Hahahaha she's great! Klements sig is Vibrava? Interesting as he specialises in ground types but has one that doesn't really use the ground. I thought it was going to be Golurk as Dirkac mentioned above however I'm more than happy with seeing his speedy Vibrava as flygons one of my faves ^_^
Jay losing was expected, especially when you built up the hype about the egg and Vibrava's speed. I really can't wait to find out how he deals with thus.

Also if Murdock isn't competing in some gyms does this mean there will be different gyms for Murdock? If so I'm more than welcome to that idea.

[LadyLady]

Thank you everyone Gastly can learn thunderbolt but only through Tm so yeah I guess haha

and Lucy Murdock will be competing in gyms that Jay doesn't so it's not repetitive I think there's like 12 gyms in Henzo I've created so a couple it will be both of them but for most they'll both have different gyms

[LadyLady]

Chapter 19; Stealing Change

'Jay Gold?' Nurse Joy announced from behind the marble counter that was located in Terrafirma's Pokemon Centre, 'Your pokemon are ready for pick up!' She continued gleefully.

Jay scratched his head, disappointed with himself. He slowly lifted of the maroon couch he was resting on and made his way over to Nurse Joy who was handing him his Pokeballs.
He gracefully took them from Nurse Joy's hands and placed them gently in his deep blue rucksack.

'Don't sweat about it, Jay. Orella said to meet her at the flower beds for training. We can get some training done and you'll be ready, I promise man, golly you will get that gym badge.' Murdock reassured Jay as they both left the Pokemon Centre.

Jay and Murdock slowly walked through Terrafirma, the summer breeze swept through the city rustling the trees that gathered beside the rocky path ways.

'Clarissa, Amelia, Gertrude, even Damien have all won this gym badge! But yet I can't!?' Jay told Murdock in distress.

'Hay! You don't know for sure they have all won, we only know, Amelia has, and so what if they have? They probably trained real hard and earned that gym badge, which is something that you're going to do?' Murdock replied.

The boys finished talking as they came to the flower bed garden were Amelia had been meditating earlier. A tall, plump woman was waiting for them in the center.

'Hi boys! Heh,' Orella said cheerfully waving her chubby hands in their faces.

'Hi Orella! Thank you so much for doing this by the way, me and jay appreciate it a lot!'

'Its not a problem, I help train loads of trainers in Torpedo Town.'

'Torpedo Town?' Jay asked.

'Yes, my home town heh, I'm the gym leader there!'

Jay and Murdock turned to each other, shocked at hearing those words.

'You're a gym leader!?' Jay shouted, eagerly awaiting a description.

'You didn't think my brother was the only one who could battle did you? Heh!'

'Wow!' Murdock exclaimed, 'what type do you specialise in?'

'The hard rock types, the most powerful and noble type there is!'

'Oh my gosh, Jay! You're gonna train with a gym leader!' Murdock told him excitedly.

'Thats right heh, today's your lucky day, Jay.' Orella winked at Jay as she ran her fingers through her dirty fringe. 'Shall we begin?'

'Yes!' Jay shouted, eager to learn.

'I will choose my Pokemon first, as the gym leader usually does that, come on out, Golem! Heh!'

Orella lifted a Pokeball from her belt, she threw it in the air and released her partner. Round rocks made its stuff and firm body, short, stumpy arms and legs grew from the boulder that was its physical belly,, and reptilian head emerged from the bulk of the body, roaring.

'Golllleemmm!'

'Now you know what my Pokemon is Jay, you think what may be an advantage towards it, you got any grass types? Or water types?' Orella informed Jay.

'No,' he replied, 'I don't.'

'Hmmmm... Heh,' Orella mumbled. 'Well, what do you think would be a good opponent for Golem?'

'Oh Orella I haven't got a clue, all my Pokemon are at a disadvantage to rock ground types!'

'That doesn't mean you can't counter another way, Jay think!' Orella added. 'Golem has a physical disadvantage, his speed!'

'Right! Okay, go Eevee!' Jay shouted.

Jay released his companion, Eevee into the flower beds. Eevee leaped from side to side, showing of, harmlessly taunting Orella and Golem.

'Heh, she's stunning, Jay!' Orella told him. 'I'm so used to the strong, bulky rock types that I forget all about the fragile and innocent Pokemon'

Eevee smiled to herself, full of pride and vanity.

'I wouldn't say innocent,' mumbled, Jay.

Murdock sat in the flowers, making miniature daisy chains that propelled the odour of freshness, Murdock's clarity. As he continued looping diddly stems and minuscule flower heads, a deep grey helicopter hovering around the city caught his eye, it contrasted with the cerulean sky and the golden rays that warmed Murdock's pallid skin.

'What moves does, Eevee know exactly, Jay?' Orella asked.

'She knows sand attack, quick attack, tackle and bite, Orella.'

'Ok,' Orella took a deep breath of the luscious summer air, 'I'm gonna have to be blunt Jay, I can't see, Eevee actually hurting any of mine or Klement's Pokemon.'

This was something Jay did not want to hear, his thumping heart felt like it had been the participant in a boxing match.

'What do you suppose I do, Orella?'

'I would take into consideration the limitlessness, Eevee has in this form. I would think about evolution.'

'Thats not my choice, Orella, Eevee gets to decide things like that. I don't mind waiting, if it happens it happen, I object to using, Eevee as a tool for winning. I trust in, Eevee and we don't need no gimmick to win this battle.'

Murdock took his eyes of from the stainless helicopter to witness Jay's inspirational speech, he thought to himself, 'Eevee, has such amazing possibilities though, why wouldn't he evolve her?'

All of a sudden blustering winds rapidly attacked the trainers, the flower bed danced to the powerful chorus that was the air, chiming together some tulips that lifted into the skies, departing from the rest of their clean aroma society. About fifteen feet away from Jay, Orella and Murdock, a metal contraception capable of flight landed, knocking the trio to the clumsy floor. The mild hurricane settled and out of the steel, winged beast walked Lexy Lutorious, she walked out from the helicopter like it was her private runway show, flaunting her high maintenance, materialistic figure whilst an eager lump waddled behind her scoffing cheap value cookies from his blazer pocket.

'Good afternoon, Orella,' Lexy patronisingly said.

Martius waved gleefully from the side of the crimson haired beauty.

'Lexy! Martius!' Orella angrily replied as she stumbled to her feet. Orella helped Jay and Murdock both up whilst her eyes threw daggers at Lexy.

'I see you missed us, Orella! Haha!' Lexy replied.

'What do you guys want, heh!?' Orella snapped back.

'You, Orella!'

'What? Why would you want me?'

'Its a question I've been asking myself all day,' Lexy mumbled as her eyes rolled, 'Madam, thinks you're useful, we also need some ancient artefacts so ya know, get in the helicopter, chop chop.'

'Orella, isn't going anywhere with you freaks!' Jay interrupted.

'Freaks!?' Martius replied with a mouth full of about seven chocolate chip cookies, 'freaks? You're the one with-' Martius suddenly froze as an epiphany surrounded his mind. 'Haven't I seen you before?'

'Yeah! I've seen you before too!' Lexy added, 'you two were the pests in Paragon cave!'

'Um no,' Murdock mumbled, 'that wasn't us, heh, heh...'

'Heh, heh?' Murdock thought to himself, 'great, now she has me doing it...'

'Shut up you snotty child! We came for Orella, and we are not leaving without her!' Lexy screamed, throwing a small tantrum.

'Go, Magby!' Announced, Jay as he released his feisty Pokemon.

Magby entered the atmosphere, smoke erupting from his mouth, he was ready to defend his friends.

'Eevee, you stay close to me!' Jay told her.

Eevee's face dropped, her eyes began to boil up, she stared at, Magby. Her supposed replacement, Eevee felt betrayed, why is she being substituted whilst Magby gets to battle?

'Golem! Prepare yourself my dear!' Orella said calmly.

'Ew, Metang, show these fools how its done!' Lexy released her Pokemon, Metang hovered close to both Magby and Golem, attempting to intimidate the pair.

'Magby, ember attack!'

'Golem, stone edge!'

Magby roared with passion and released burning flames from within, Golem tagged along and formed sharp, daggering rocks that flew towards, Metang.

A direct and a super effective hit landed on, Metang who seemed shocked by the execution of these attacks.

'Remember, Metang, Orella is a gym leader! Not that she's any good but still!' Lexy mumbled. 'Metang! Use psychic!'

Metang's stainless steel body stiffened, a majestic aura swerved around its heavy body, Metang focused and carefully raised, Golem and Magby into the air, awaiting Lexy's command.

'Hang in there, Magby!'

'You too, Golem!'

Eevee, who was right beside Murdock witnessed the unnecessary pain and conflict and jumped onto Metang's spaceship like back and chewed on his tough body with a bite attack.

'Eevee! Come back here right now!'

Metang lost concentration, Golem and Magby were let free from the Pokemon's supernatural powers and fell to the floor, accidentally knocking each other out as they bashed into each other. Metang grabbed Eevee with its metal claws and chucked the fragile fox onto the flower bed, brutally.

'Eevee!' Jay ran towards his injured Pokemon.

'Metang, take the trainer away...' Lexy, sinisterly commanded.

'Taaaaang!' Metang created his aura once again and picked, Jay up, just before he could reach his distressed Eevee. Metang threw him onto the bulky Orella and they both plummeted on the floor next to tree trunk.

'I think we need to take this time to teach, Eevee a lesson. Don't you agree, Metang?'

'Tanngg!'

Martius watched the conflict from the sidelines, eyeing up Orella who seemed to have been knocked out as she was flung against a titanic, rugged tree trunk that was situated in the flower bed. Murdock ran over to Orella and Jay, scared for their welfare.

'Jay, you go take care of them, I'll be right here looking after, Orella!' Murdock told him.

Jay just nodded, he then picked himself up from the soil infatuated earth and ran towards Lexy.

'Ah, ah, ah!' Lexy tutted as Metang picked Jay up once more and flung him to the ground. 'Metang, bullet punch that Eevee!'

'Eevee!' Jay shouted.

Metang's bulky, metallic arms gal-umped back on forth on the minute, defenceless Eevee.

'Veeeeeeeeeeeee!' Eevee, cried in pain.

'Um, Lexy... Do you not think you're going a bit too far? Martius whispered to her, scared of a response.

'Nobody crosses, Lexy Lutorious! NOBODY MARTIUS!' She screamed as fires from hell enveloped her iris'.

'Eevee!' Jay once again shouted as he got up, he then sprinted towards his beaten up Pokemon.

'Didn't you learn the last time?' Lexy told him, 'Metang! Get him out of here!'

Metang raised his arms away from Eevee, he them turned towards Jay and used his psychic attack, the neon sapphire aura surrounded him and Jay however this time there was something in the way, Metang couldn't control Jay, his determination seemed to be too strong.

'Ahhhhh!' Jay shouted as he attempted to push against Metang's psychic attack, the aura soon left however, leaving Jay free to chose direction.

'Metang!?' Lexy squealed.

Metang looked worn out though.

'Psychic is a move that takes a lot of energy, Lexy.' Martius told her, secretly happy about the circumstances.

Jay reached his destination, he picked up Eevee from the ground and held her beat up body in his arms. 'Im so sorry,' he told her sympathetically.

Eevee opened one deeply bruised eye and replied with a worn out, 'eeee.'

'No!' Lexy exclaimed, 'Metang, bullet punch!'

'Jay!' Murdock shouted from the flower bed.

Jay turned so his wormed out body to protect Eevee and took the attack.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP! Went Metang's beasty claws, thumping on, Jay's back rapidly and hard.

'Ah! Ah! Ah!' Jay grunted after every hit.

Murdock attempted to wake up Orella but it wasn't happening, paralysed with fear, Murdock held Orella's rough hands, squeezing them tighter and tighter with every punch Metang threw.

A small tear dropped onto Eevee as she looked up at Jay who was taking a beating for her. Every 'Ah' was getting to her, uncontrollable emotions built up inside her until she let out a growl.

'VEEEEEEE!' She roared, creating silence among the rest of the group.

Suddenly a bright, shocking light enveloped Eevee. Jay held her close, still protecting her from the elite force, whilst unimaginable energy swirled around her.

'Whats happening?' Jay thought to himself.

'Its evolving!' Martius exclaimed, 'beautiful!'

'Beautiful!?' Lexy repeated, staring at Martius and his greasy, double chin.

Eevee's shape began to change to a more mature, cat like shape. Eevee's body morphed, creating elongated pink ears, a crimson jewel on the crown of her forehead and a Gemini tail that elegantly posed.

'Its an Espeon!?' Lexy muttered.

The bright light soon faded revealing Espeon to Jay for the first time.

'Espeon...' Jay mumbled, excitedly.

'Ehhhhhhhhhs!' Espeon gracefully roared as she jumped in front of Jay, attempting to take control of this disastrous situation.

Lexy just shook it off, 'whatever! Its only an Espeon! its still as pathetic as before! Metang, psychic!' Lexy snapped.

Espeon was not intimidated however, and began to form a bright, violet plasmatic energy from her mouth, the attack built up rapidly and was executed perfectly. The psychic wave rushed towards, Metang and landed a direct his as he was focusing on using psychic, Metang swirled around becoming less aware.

'What move was thaaaaaaat!!!??' Lexy screamed unhappily.

'Haha! I don't know, I don't care but whatever it is, I know it's gonna be the thing that blasts you silly!' Jay patronisingly winked at, Lexy, mimicking her.

Lexy's pale face screwed up, 'Metang! Psychic!'

'Espeon...' Jay cautiously said.

'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' Espeon, growled as she created another wave if psychic energy from the gawking mouth.

'Ooooooon!' She exclaimed before launching her attack at Metang.

BOOM!

Metang swirled into, Lexy and they both fell to the floor.

Lexy, shot up, wiping her newest midi dress clean and flicking her shimmering hair, 'WHAT!?'

'Um, Lexy? I have, Lairon you know.' Martius tardily told her.

Lexy turned to him, fear was her shadow, 'don't you think I know that, Martius?' She said in a mimicry voice, 'Lairon is no good, YOU'RE ITS TRAINER!!'

Martius shot his head down, now he knew why even the boss doesn't like her.

'Return, Metang! You intolerable Pokemon.' Lexy withdrew her fainted battler and turned her head to, Martius. 'You too! In the helicopter! We will be back, Orella!' Lexy screamed to the incongruous trainer in the distance.

Jay and Espeon watched from the distance both commanders enter the metal bird as it flew away, Jay gave a sigh of relief then looked down to Espeon, 'I've never been more proud of you.'

[jackk]

I feel like Eevee knew that that's what she had to do to help Jay, aw it's quite cute tbh. I was very surprised with the outcome I was expecting something completely different, your battling description is slowly improving and now I think Jay may stand a chance towards Klement. The move was Psybeam? I thought it was psywave? Haha just checked the bio I can't believe Murdock didnt help though, I was abit disappointed even though his pokemon couldn't really match up against Metang I still thought he would be of use, but of course his crush needed him. Also I get the impression Orella and Martius know each other in some other way, the way be looked at her and the fact Martius usually doesn't care for anyone other than himself. It made complete sense for what happened though, with Eevee anyway I'm now ready for the battle between Klement and Jay! Well done Lady, excitedly awaiting the next chapter

[LadyLady]

There is some past with Orella and Martius yeah haha I wanted to try and show how much te elite force means to Lexy she depends on it this the reason for her behaviour lately especially with Alexis slapping her! I thought Espeon was the perfect match for Jay and I don't wanna seen bad on myself but Eevee was starting to annoy me haha and yeah I edit the bio so beware it contains spoilers even though I've already said it through this post haha thank you jackk u da best x

[lucypendrix]

No way did Eevee evolve, woo!

Eevee's evolution was a surprise especially with jay saying how he doesn't really wanna evolve her but of course it makes sense when he said its her decision and tbh there wasn't much left Eevee could actually do with her 'limited' abilities - in the words of Orella.

I really thought it was gonna be vaporeon tho :/ I wonder how Espeon will react to Magby now she knows she's stronger and more agile than him? Lexy was pretty strict in this chapter whilst Martius could of easily helped out with his Lairon tho, Alexis isn't going to be happy with the two, I feel sorry for them haha.

Thsi is probably the best gramma in any of your chapters tbh, Murdock could use some more development however I think and his Pokemon so I'm excited to see what you do with him. And all the other rivals tbh there's so many possibilities and I love the characters you've made with them all! You've done a really good job so far well done Lady!

[deh74]

Yay, eevee evolved. It was into one of my least favorite eeveelutions but oh well. I want more nidoran, or at least a little nidoran.

[LadyLady]

OMG EVERYONE I JUST MADE A BANNER lol

as you can see im pretty impressed with myslef haha my photoshop skills are not quite amazing tbh, in order the characters are Alexis, Murdock, Gertrude, Jay (not really, as you all know ive decribed him) Amelia, Clarissa and Damien, these are however just rough ideas of what they look like and not 100% what they look like but i really wanted a banner, woo, luv u guys xoxoxo

Yay, eevee evolved. It was into one of my least favorite eeveelutions but oh well. I want more nidoran, or at least a little nidoran

aw Vaporeon is my favourite tbh but i felt like happiness evolution was more approprite, Nidoran will get some spotlight soon, dont you worry

I really thought it was gonna be vaporeon tho :/ I wonder how Espeon will react to Magby now she knows she's stronger and more agile than him? Lexy was pretty strict in this chapter whilst Martius could of easily helped out with his Lairon tho, Alexis isn't going to be happy with the two, I feel sorry for them haha.

Alexis is a ***** tbf omg i actually thought about Sylveon for a few minutes, but tbh i dont even like that Pokemon that much ya know.

thanks for reading hunni x

[jackk]

The banners great Lady! I love Alexis now I have a clear image of what she look like, pretty bad I actually fancy her a bit woops, shouldn't of said that. And yeah I agree with this particular Eevee that a happiness inspired evolution works best, especially with all the things jay and Eevee have been through