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Thread: The Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons

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    Default The Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons

        Spoiler:- PM List:



    Chapter 1 The Village of Dragon

    Chapter 2 Dragon Tails
    Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!
    Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!



    A/N:This is the re-introduction of my little project. The beta version of this fanfic was written a little while back. I've done a rewrite of this story after finding out some interesting things and exploring some new ideas that could be introduced to make the story better. Things will be drastically different from the previous incarnation of this story. The reason why I decided to rewrite the fic is because I felt the strong urge to write how Iris was portrayed to be in the game and how she started her journey. I thought that it would be a nice idea so I hope that you all enjoy my project. It's a Fanfiction on Iris, the Gym Leader of White Version's Opelucid Gym. Some focus will also be on Drayden during parts of the story as he is connected to Iris. As always any and all constructive criticism is appreciated since it can only make the fic better! I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


    Chapter 1 The Village of Dragons

    There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning ice storms. These magnificent beast specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders, moves also have their own type. Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were executing.

    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against one another. This allows there to be balance for Pokémon when they engage in contests of strength, technique, and athleticism known as "Pokémon Battles". These battles between Pokémon are considered to be a popular sport that are enjoyed by all ages. In Pokémon battles, there are people who command their Pokémon to utilize their moves against opposing Pokémon. These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. Facilities called "Gyms" specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon Gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that can be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.

    There are certain types of attacks that are super effective, as in doing more damage than usual, to different types of Pokémon. An example of this is that Water-type moves are very dangerous when used on Fire-type Pokémon. One of the seventeen known types that a Pokémon can be is the Dragon-type. The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Draconian or Dragon Pokémon can be, is a rare type that has some of the best of moves under its name. There's a clear distinction between being a Dragon and Dragon-type. Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.

    One of the two types that effect Dragon-types greatly are Ice-type moves. It is hypothesized a Dragon's scale-covered body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-types wield powers like these. Dragon-type moves are super effective on Dragon-type Pokémon too.

    Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle, being blessed with extraordinary battling prowess. Many are ferocious, many are mysterious, and many are sought for their high potential. Some are even known in legends for being responsible for the creation of many places and elements. They can also serve as guardians to people.

    These versatile beings' popularity meant they were highly sought often and that lead to them becoming a rarity in the wild. Not only is it hard to find and capture one of these brilliant individuals, it's even harder to train them, for some it's hard to tame them even. If one was to succeed in accomplishing such a hard feat, it would be a true testament to their skills to raise such a Pokémon.

    There's one village in particular where people cherish these creatures for all they're worth. In that particular village, a cheery girl who dreams of understanding the complex hearts of Dragons resides, waiting till she's of age to start her own journey. This unique girl's name is Iris."


    -:-

    The light pouring from the bright sun shined down on the forest's trees where a young girl was swinging from vine to vine. This wild child used her free time differently from all the other kids who also lived in the nearby "Village of Dragons." Unlike the others, who never really strayed too far from the village, she preferred to play in the forest.

    Her bright, maroon-red eyes stayed wary of any possible branches in her way as she swung wildly in commute to another tree. The sizable, purple hair on her head was tied up in its usual style with two rabbit ear-like puffs at each sides and one at the bottom. She sported her not-so-common cream and pink-colored garb with shoes of a similar color.

    "Can't catch me!" She teased as she was pursued by two ape-like, long, white Pokémon. She was bent on winning the game of tag, even if her playmates were clearly more adept to the terrain and action of vine-swinging than she was. She was confident of her victory with all the experience she gained through years of practicing the activity.

    "Vigorvigorvigor!" One of the Pokémon breathed heavily while it struggled to keep up with the tenacious child. The young lady grabbed another vine and went hurtling to a tree, landing on a branch from which she climbed down a limb to a lower one. Both of the Wild Monkey Pokémon followed suit with ease.

    She proceeded to leave the two Pokémon when she swung around the tree to another vine. The cunning kid then slyly giggled until she saw a branch blocking her path that made her quickly take hold of it and pull herself up. Throwing another mischievous expression, she yelled.

    "I'm right here!" The Vigoroth followed her voice, but as they came vine-swinging her way they ran into a vicious branch with their faces. That caused them to yelp in pain several times. Before she left the two poor Vigoroth, she uttered a goodbye.

    "See ya later, it was fun!" The Vigoroth simply said their names again as they rubbed their faces, still reeling from the punishment they had received. She was careful to climb down the tree as she remembered something alerting.

    "Ryuu's gonna be so mad," the girl scolded herself aloud. She knew very well that her mentor would be less than joyful at her tardiness, especially when there was an important lesson on the schedule for the day. Ryuu, her caretaker and teacher was one of the more respected people of the village. He was someone she could always look toward for advice and guidance, unfortunately, he had a low tolerance for lateness.

    The girl ran quickly, cutting through the several shortcuts in an attempt to get back to the village as soon as possible. The Dragon Village, a home for many people and Pokémon was a place the girl had lived in nearly all her life and a sanctuary for the Pokémon around it. It was a common place for the upbringing of strong trainers who wanted to catch Dragons and train their Pokémon against them.

    After she arrived at the village in around a quarter of an hour, she saw many people and Pokémon out and about doing what they usually did in the village. Some were training, some were picking berries, and some were just hanging around. Several people who knew the girl smiled at her as she was running to her lesson, she simply replied with a typical greeting for each which slurred due to her all-out running.

    During the full-speed sprint the juvenile nearly ran into a young, black-haired woman who was strolling in the opposite direction, this caused Iris to stop her race.

    "On time as always, Iris," her comment was coated with sarcasm. "You know dad's gonna be pissed," she exclaimed as she rubbed her brown eyes, as one would do after waking up from a nap. Iris sighed in dismay, she needed no one to remind her of Ryuu's strictness when it came to these things, especially not his daughter.

    Being a student under him for nearly a year now, Iris became more and more mindful of being on time for his classes. Unfortunately the distractions that surrounded her sometimes prevented her from doing that. Ryuu's classes were a lot of the time uninteresting but she had a great amount of respect for the man and understood his wishes. He always told her that the things he taught her would be of much value when she would become a trainer one day.

    "I was only playing in the forest, Mira," Iris admitted while they walked together.

    "Daddy's just gonna be all over you for not being more careful. I mean playing in the forest, right before a class? You have no concept of time," the seventeen-year-old said while frowning. The aspiring future healer had always been very kind to Iris, given her father's role as a mentor in her life. She also had a large respect for the young girl's past family and their effect on the village. "You really should manage your time better," she spoke authoritatively.

    "I just forgot. Don't worry! I'll be sure to arrive sooner next time!" Iris rolled her eyes.

    "You saying that makes me all the more worried. Did you see Shelgon while you were playing?"

    "Nah, I think he was somewhere else."

    Mira's Shelgon was the Pokémon she had since she was a little girl. He never did much battling and liked playing around in the forest often like Iris. The two would run into each other often. No further words were exchanged until the pair finally made it to Ryuu's nursery and clinic which was a, pretty simple, brick house building.

    "Well, I have to go." Mira turned away. "Try to be on time next time so daddy doesn't have a reason to get onto you anymore," the young woman chuckled as she left in the opposite direction.

    Iris took a deep breath and looked toward the door. Placing her palm on the metal knob, the girl took another deep breath and twisted it. After the door creaked open she cautiously walked in. Without looking around the building she immediately blurted.

    "Sorry I'm late!"

    The blond, older man turned his head around swiftly and glared at Iris. Dressed in his usual work attire of a pair of jogging pants and a clean white t-shirt with a light blue coat, Ryuu's face showed a miffed expression. A small bird swooped down toward Iris and shot her a nasty leer for her outburst.

    "Swablublu!" The blue-bodied, cotton-winged Pokémon pecked furiously at the air.

    "Shuush!" The man hissed in a visible bad mood. He had come to expect this sort of thing from Iris since she was only eight-years-old, but that didn't stop him from at least trying to teach her punctuality.

    "Just hurry up and get your hands washed," the man retorted, carrying several medical items. Iris went over to the sink and scrubbed her hands before returning to Ryuu, expecting a punishment or at least unpleasant words.

    "Sorry for missing the hatching of the Swablu," she said shyly.

    "Iris you know how much I dislike lateness, especially today. Next time I'm forbidding you from playing in that forest during class days. The Swablu hasn't hatched yet. Now let's get ready, it's due in a moment." Iris couldn't help but be somewhat elated as she expected her mentor to give her a more severe punishment. She did as he said and then helped get things in order around the place.

    Ryuu's nursery and clinic was his bread and butter. Healing, training, and tending to Pokémon was his forté since he was a young man around his daughter's age. The man owned the clinic for around eight years and specialized not just in healing Pokémon, but treating Dragons specifically. Ever since he was a young child he rarely saw any healers who trained specifically to take care of Dragons.

    This meant some Dragons never got proper treatment for the injuries they received back then. One day Ryuu decided he was going to change that. To succeed in doing so, he gave classes on healing to many people and tried to inform them of the basics of how to treat Pokémon. Not only that he would often help deliver the eggs of Dragons and ensure the safe hatching of the infants. It's mainly thanks to the service and undying consideration he offered over so many years that the village was brimming with Dragons and the population has increased steadily.

    "We're having the 'hatch' lesson today. It's important that you watch closely," the man lectured dryly. "Let's head to the room." Ryuu and Iris walked down the hallways of the somewhat home-like nursery with Swablu fluttering behind.

    The usual scent of freshness and disinfectant permeated the air. In the room, placed in front of her and the man was a lone egg on a table. It was surrounded by many cushions, sheets, and a small rubber tub specifically made for eggs. The room was also filled with many supplies that were prepared for new born infant Pokémon.

    "It's due in a few minutes. Quickly! Get that tub filled with some nice warm water." Ryuu examined the white and baby blue egg as Iris brought over the tub of water. He wore a stethoscope and placed the end of it firmly on the outer surface, listening for the life that it contained within its shell. Ryuu heard the sound of the Dragon inside trying to get out.

    "Standby," the man warned her. The egg began to glow a brilliant white with the light getting more and more intense with each second that passed. Iris and Ryuu both glued their eyes to the oval object. Iris would never get used to how superb it was to see a Pokémon being born. The young girl's eyes' reflected compassion made Ryuu smile weakly. With each gradual second that passed it began to slowly take shape, a small, plump, circular body formed. Two thin, plucky hairs leaped from the light. Dingy, petite feet formed from the bottom of the creature.

    The light soon began to subside. All that remained was a small Swablu, nestled in its own wings, as if they were pillows themselves. It slowly stretched out its wings, revealing itself to the world.

    "Swablublubluuuuuuu!" The newborn cried.

    "Swablu!" The elder Swablu was quick to comfort the baby.

    "Okay, let's get this little guy cleaned." Ryuu picked up the Cotton Bird Pokémon, carefully placing it into the small tub. "Pay attention, Iris." Ryuu grabbed a towel, dipped it into the water and wrung it out. He slowly cleaned and massaged the Swablu's body with the cloth, making sure to get the fluffy wings disinfected.

    Iris examined this intently as if she was truly an observant watching a seminar take place. Learning to properly deliver a newly-hatched Pokémon was one of Iris's most important learning points since she became a student under Ryuu a year ago. Mastering this would take time and her absolute attention.

    "Dry towel!" Ryuu ordered.

    "Swablublu," the older Swablu pointed to the baby, causing it to giggle. Ryuu had finished ridding it of all water. The Cotton Bird Pokémon awkwardly tried to flap its wings, attempting to emulate the elder avian. Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough to fly.

    "How cute," Iris admired the baby.

    "Yes a fine, young child. Swablu will be ready to leave in about, give or take...two weeks," Ryuu announced. "Things like these are sights to behold. You shouldn't ever take simple moments like these for granted."

    "Yeah, I know...." Iris had heard these types of things for a long time from Ryuu, especially when he would get nostalgic about his glory days. Iris could tell the man enjoyed having memories about his younger life, being known as one of the strongest trainers in the village since he was just a teenager. Being a master of Dragons meant a great deal.

    He always told Iris to cherish life and the beautiful moments that would await her. The birth of a Pokémon was no exception. She sometimes would get somewhat annoyed at the constant badgering she got but Ryuu only did this because he really wanted her to value life and her current youth just like he once did at her age.

    "You think you're all ready to do this yourself one day?" Ryuu cradled the baby as it drank milk-like liquid from a small bottle without a care in the world.

    "Sure I can!" Iris said without hesitation. She had heard the same question many times and she always was ready to give the same response. "Being able to successfully deliver a newborn is important because it's one of the ways you can understand them better. You told me yourself, remember?"

    "Are you sure, because...." Ryuu trailed, causing Iris to shoot him an annoyed stare. Ryuu liked seeing the distorted face she sported because it showed that he had blabbed about the subject so much that she was conditioned enough to remember it.

    "Okay, this lesson was short. I have some important business to attend to now. You may leave for the day."

    "Okay then. Bye Swablu!" Iris left out of Ryuu's clinic happily. Though class was done, she had her own business it take care of in in the forest.

    She jetted through the village before going to the forest and took notice to the people and Pokémon who were out and about. Iris looked around with a bubbly expression on her face and held her arms out, as if she were an airplane, and took off, waving to each person she passed by. The Dragon Village's people were special to her.

    Even though she didn't have her parents she was lucky enough to live in a village that had people who cared for her. It gave her joy to know that people truly did care despite some of her troublesome actions. Living with Dragons made Iris's life so exciting. She felt so attached to her home that she never felt like leaving. There's no other type of Pokémon that could make her heart leap with so much happiness other than Dragons.

    The protectors and symbols of Iris's home were irreplaceable. She hoped to one day have the blessing of being able to partner herself with one and become stronger alongside a team of them. That meant being able to train and possibly control one, something Iris simply wasn't capable of doing at the moment.

    She also had to be able to become in-sync with one of these beasts, which meant learning to attune to these creatures' hearts on a personal level. That in itself would not be easy in the slightest and she knew it.

    She was willing to look into their hearts and truly try to understand every Dragon thanks to her upbringing in the village. One of her dreams was that she could one day understand the magnificent hearts of these reptiles. She tried very often but her efforts often had little to no effect. Once she made it to the area in the forest she met a Dragon that was completely encased in a large, dome-like, gray shell.

    The only thing that was visible from inside were two golden, rough eyes. The rest of the shell was fairly dark with four stubby, rough-skinned legs that protruded from under.

    "Shel," the Pokémon greeted Iris, to which she immediately recognized to be Mira's Shelgon. He would often help her in her attempts to understand Dragon hearts. Like Mira, Shelgon had a soft spot for Iris and was more than willing to give her a hand.

    "Okay, today's the day for sure!" Iris approached the Dragon and got close to him. "Just relax."

    "Shelgongon," the Endurance Pokémon stayed fairly calm as Iris began bending down. She gently placed her palm on Shelgon's rough exterior and closed her eyes. She did her best to block out all other sounds, focusing her senses completely on the Pokémon's beating heart and doing her best to become at one with the creature.

    She opened her eyes and realized she understood nothing about the Dragon's heart much to her disappointment.

    "I guess today wasn't the day," Iris came to her senses, feeling defeated that her efforts to understand a Dragon's heart were once again in vain.

    "Shel," the Endurance Pokémon growled once before going on his own way knowing that the chances of success would be slim as usual. Iris went over to a tree and climbed it. She found a comfy, stable branch to rest soundly on as she reflected on her moment with Shelgon. She got a tad too comfortable as her momentary resting turned into a nap and then into a deep slumber.

    A few hours later she woke up, yawned, opened her eyes and stretched, feeling small pops from her bones as she got limber. The girl looked around and surveyed her surroundings. She looked up at the sky and noticed it had indeed been possibly a few hours since she had went unconscious. She climbed down the tree and began to walk back towards the village. However, she was taken by surprise during her trek.

    "Swablububluswa!" The same Pokémon Iris had known as Ryuu's helper flew in range of her face. He squawked at the young girl with a strain in his voice. Iris inspected the dotty Cotton Bird Pokémon and tilted her head wondering what was wrong.

    "Swablulu!" The small Pokémon motioned its wings in the direction of the Dragon Village. She jogged instead of walking with Swablu flying closely in front and continuously chirping.

    "What is it?" Iris asked while jogging, as if it would make a difference since she couldn't understand the Pokémon. Just when she was about to enter the village the Cotton Bird began to peck her head, pointing to a tree. She went up the tree and stayed tuckered in the greenery of the branches and looked down the village.

    She heard many roars and yelps. The sound of them made her worried for what could have possibly been happening. There was an unusual amount of people along with Ryuu gathered with strange-looking men in front of them.

    Iris attempted to get closer by carefully going to yet another branch a tree nearer. When she got a full view of it all she started filling with a mixture of emotions, mostly fear. This fear was from what would become of the titular creatures and people of her village as she obtained full attention of what was happening.

    She noticed the people that stood around. Most hid in the safety of their homes and others were outside watching the situation unfold, daring not to make a move for the sake of their lives. An usual aura of joy was replaced by unrelenting panic.

    Men in black, dingy clothing gathered up more and more Dragons with each second that passed. The invaders did their job with haste and seemed to do it with no problem whatsoever which very much worried Iris. She snapped out of her surreal state and looked around. Iris continued to watch from a distance, still tucked in the tree while remaining undetected by anyone.

    They all kept their eyes trained on the dirty brown-haired, rough-looking man that stood before them. His sly, despicable eyes were a clear window that showed how vile he was. Standing next to him was a short bluish-black Pokémon that barred knife-life claws. The most fear-striking thing about it was its simple gaze from the equally as sharp eyes along with the rather cold and sinister grin it wore.

    Near them was a large, black truck. It had a caged backside that held many Pokémon. Iris couldn't make out what Pokémon they were specifically but she knew without a doubt that the captured Dragons were just as helpless as the villagers were or else they surely would have freed themselves by now. She was tempted to try and get close to the truck, but she didn't want to risk it in this situation.

    "Old man, just give it up. Be honest with yourself, you're in no position to be trying anything. This village of yours is practically defenseless. I just want to gather what I came for to my heart's content with no interruption," the intimidating thief boomed.

    Iris shuddered as she knew very well how right the man was. There weren't many powerful trainers in the village since chosen Dragon trainers went on their journeys at a certain age. That in itself left the village pretty defenseless and at a disadvantage for possible attacks. Standing opposite the man was Ryuu, who sported a livid expression.

    "My age does not matter. You are to leave this village at once!" Ryuu yelled loudly, which caused one of the thieves to cringe. "Don't think I won't do what I have to in order to protect this village!"

    "We'll leave when we've collected what we need," the thief continued to protest.

    "Leave my village, poacher!" The man demanded with more animosity. The dark-clothed man smirked, seeming unfazed by Ryuu's anger.

    "I'm Baron and I like to think of myself as more of a businessman than a lowly poacher," he introduced himself arrogantly.

    "I see you're ready to face punishment for causing so much turmoil toward my home!" Ryuu took a look at the Weavile that stood next to its trainer.

    "Big words, big words. That's all I hear, I know very well how the Dragon Village is known for having few strong trainers. An old dinosaur like you is not one of them," Baron tormented childishly, which elicited a grimace from Ryuu.

    "You leave me no choice!" Ryuu pulled out a ping pong-sized ball. Pressing a button in the middle of the metal orb, he gave it one toss into the air. A large stream of energy flowed from the red-and-white, metallic sphere. It took shape and formed a bulky, light-orange body. The creature possessed muscular arms and legs, each end of both arms were equipped with three claws. The small blue-greenish and yellow wings on the Pokémon's back didn't look threatening in the slightest, the same could be said for the small horn on his head alongside two wobbly thin antennae. The Pokémon was none other than Ryuu's partner, Dragonite.

    Iris knew it all too well. She would sometimes watch Ryuu and the Dragon Pokémon train together. Seeing Dragonite fueled her dream of one day having her own powerful, large Dragon. Once again though she remembered raising and evolving Dragon Pokémon in-general has always been talked of as if it was a difficult test.

    "You gotta be pretty gutsy to even send out a Dragon-type against an Ice-type," the man hissed. "We brought these choice of Pokémon here with the intent of defeating Dragons easily."

    "You'll be surprised at the power of a hard-trained Dragon. Now use Dragon Claw!" The Dragon Pokémon dove at Weavile with his murderous claws glowing a bluish hue.

    "Make ready to evade it then strike with Ice Shard."

    "Wea," the Pokémon concurred. Weavile stood calmly and waited for its enemy. It made a near effortless jump, just in time to evade the charging Dragonite. The Sharp Claw Pokémon held out its claws as a chunk of ice formed and was thrown at Dragonite, who fled to the skies, only to have his back pelted by the attack.

    Dragonite struggled to stay airborne after taking a doubly strong move to his backside. Ice Shard was a certain type of move that was known for its remarkable speed, always being able to strike first and fast. Baron was extremely surprised by Dragonite's endurance.

    "That Dragonite is still flying!?"

    "Humph!" A loud roar came from Ryuu. "You've never battled a Pokémon with 'Multiscale' have you? Due to a thick coating of scales around Dragonite's body he can stand up to any move, even Ice-type ones! It's especially a useful ability when Dragonite's fresh!" Iris smirked seeing Baron was unfamiliar with the ability that few Dragonite had, allowing them to take attacks more effectively than they normally would. How Ryuu managed to obtain a Pokémon with such a rare ability, Iris didn't know. Managing to find one almost seemed like something she could only do in a dream.

    "Who cares?" Baron was visibly flustered. "No matter, I'll take your Dragonite too then."

    "Stay strong!" Ryuu encouraged his Pokémon. "Show them your power with Thunderbolt!" The Dragon Pokémon's antennae built up with electricity and delivered a blast of thunder toward Weavile. The Pokémon instinctively evaded the attack with grace, making Iris marvel at what formidable speed it wielded.

    "Ice Beam!" Weavile created an azure ball of ice on its mouth and directed the steady stream of chilling blast towards Dragonite. The Dragon Pokémon was just lucky enough to evade the super-effective attack in a split second. Ryuu was happy to see his fellow protector dodging the move without having to be told.

    "Thunderbolt, once more!" Ryuu shouted. Dragonite swiftly generated a powerful blast of electricity again. The Sharp Claw Pokémon reacted by once again evading the attack just in time. This made Baron more confident, much to Ryuu's annoyance.

    "Isn't that agility just amazing? I trained him myself to reach that level of speed. Now Weavile, use Blizzard!" this time his Pokémon conjured a huge ice storm-like blast of wind directed toward Dragonite and struck the Dragon Pokémon's chest which caused him to howl in pain from the subzero attack that made him crash onto the ground. Dragonite did his best to regain his composure.

    "Get up Dragonite!" Ryuu encouraged the large, light-orange Pokémon. Ryuu's Dragonite had been in many tough spots so was known for his undying will to persevere, especially when given verbal support.

    "Ice Beam, again!" Baron was sure that the blast of frozen power was finally going to take down Dragonite.

    "Try this Baron, Flamethrower!" A hot blaze trailed toward the Ice Beam, causing a slight cloud to fill the air as the Ice Beam collided with the Fire-type move. Many sprinkles and bits of water showered Weavile, making the Sharp Claw Pokémon and ground around it wet.

    "There's no running this time!" said Ryuu who then proceeded to tell his Dragonite to use Thunderbolt. Weavile had no time to react as it was promptly zapped by the powerful electricity with the water conducting the move. It was a clever trick Ryuu learned to use against his opponents in his younger days which worked wonders.

    Sparks surged off Weavile's damaged body. The Sharp Claw Pokémon was no tank and Baron wasn't comfortable with seeing it take such a powerful attack. Weavile couldn't stand up because of the power of the attack. Baron grunted with anger. With slightly clouded judgement he gave a temperamental command in an attempt to end things fast.


    "Nail it with Ice Punch!" Weavile used its remaining strength to bound into the air with a fist that shined with blue energy. Ryuu was quick to seize the opportunity though.

    "Ascend, then dive, and end this with Fire Punch!" Dragonite's fist was pumped with strong heat as he jetted off and then dive-bombed the Sharp Claw Pokémon.

    In the climax of the battle, both moves clashed and brought forth a monumental explosion of power. Fire Punch overpowered Ice Punch and when the smoke cleared it showed a very exhausted and senseless Weavile while Dragonite continued to stand proudly. Iris smiled with glee watching the Dragon Pokémon make fairly short work of Weavile with only two attacks.

    "But, how did...?!" Baron was stupefied.

    "Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, you should have been more cautious. Let's take care of the poacher, Dragonite. I want him!" Ryuu wasn't joking as his Dragonite was making ready to bolt toward Baron.

    "Don't think that I've given up yet!" the man said with slime in his voice. Iris and the other villagers paid close attention to Baron who motioned toward two men standing and guarding the truck. The grunts proceeded to open the cage, the sound of Poké Balls being opened drew in Iris's attention.

    A pink, regal Pokémon stood near the cage, it put its hands on its large crown-like rock helmet, both eyes glowed light blue. Standing near the pink Pokémon was a brown, tall Pokémon, its whiskers were quite long. It held two spoons in its three-fingered hands, as if they were weapons. The spoons and its eyes took on a blue tone. Two large creatures were forced out of the caged truck violently.

    The aroma of fresh blood was the first thing that struck Iris's attention, the scent was intoxicating, even in the faraway tree. As both of the creatures came into view, Iris could only look on sorrowfully at the two Pokémon. Their ferocious, pale, yellow irises were filled with absolute hatred and pain. Hatred for Baron and what was being forced upon them. The Cave Pokémon certainly looked like they had seen better days.

    Their red-spiked, blue-scaled bodies were whipped in various areas. Some bare flesh showed from the abuse they suffered, their wings were slashed in a few places as well. The sight nearly triggered the young girl's gag reflex as her skin crawled.

    Baron grabbed a long whip and pulled it back and, with much force, slung the vicious cord onto the backside of one of the Druddigon. This caused the attacked Pokémon to holler in pain. Iris looked down when it made contact and cringed with her eyes shut, it was as if nails were being forcefully scratched on a chalkboard. She could tell the female Druddigon was struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to flood her face. With each whipping the Druddigon received the image was permanently burned into her mind.

    "Halt your attack and I'll stop whipping these poor, poor Dragons. Your move old man," Baron tormented. "The Dragons here are pretty weak if they can be subdued this easily."

    Whipping and mocking the Dragons only got Iris worked up. Ryuu called his Dragonite back to his Poké Ball and remained silent. Baron nodded to the two Psychic Pokémon.

    They gave a little more force into their combined Psychic attack, forcing the two Druddigon to their knees as Baron delivered another awful whipping to the male Druddigon this time which caused the creature to lifelessly blackout. Iris nearly yelled out, as if she felt the Cave Pokémon's pain herself, but quickly covered her mouth in fear of having attention drawn to her.

    "Alakazam, Slowking," Baron said the names of the Psychic-types once as they instinctively packaged the two Druddigon back into the cage. "It's been nice doing business with you, remember if you try anything. They'll die," Baron said, coldly yet, jokingly as if it was a game. This angered Iris even more.

    "Here's a lesson people of the Dragon Village!" Baron screamed. "The easiest and best way to tame Dragons is by force. You just need to be rough enough and you can accomplish the supposedly hard feat of taming a Dragon beast with ease. This is why your precious village falls short, it's too soft. You make creatures like these out to be friends, Dragons have the potential to be extremely savage creatures. You don't take advantage of that but don't worry I'm sure the new owners will enjoy having such Pokémon. Understanding their hearts? Don't make me laugh."

    "I held up on my part, now leave!" Ryuu shouted, disgruntled.

    "Tommy, go get the truck ready!" Baron motioned to one of his men, not caring about Ryuu anymore.

    "O-Okay sir!" The bumbling, blond young man ran up to the truck, stumbling on the way there and tripping. The rather pale-skinned man fell on his face. "Sorry, Baron!"

    He apologized while timidly getting on his feet. The rather new member of the gang of poachers had only joined recently, his rather eccentric, awkward personality usually gave Baron a headache in more ways than one, despite his attempts at doing his job well.

    "How did he get mixed in with those guys?" Iris wondered as she got a small amount of enjoyment at the incompetent grunt's expense.

    "Tommy, you *******!" Baron yelled to the buffoon of a grunt with zero sympathy. Putting the inefficient behavior aside Baron walked up and got into the passenger's seat as Tommy was stationed in the driver's seat. The leader of the poachers decided to leave some parting words to make Ryuu and the villagers feel even worse.

    "I bid you a farewell pathetic village!" Baron shouted from the window as he took off with the rest of the men latching on from the rear and sides of the vehicle.

    "I'm not letting them get away!" Iris yelled, still steaming from with anger about what he did to the Druddigon. She gave chase after the truck once she climbed down the tree. She couldn't keep up but did her best to follow. Swablu followed as well, not willing to let her go alone.

    -:-

    "Is everyone alright?" Ryuu announced, attempting to comfort everyone as they all were still shaken up from what just happened. The group of people talked among themselves and tried their best to reassure themselves of what had just had happened.

    "Everyone is okay Ryuu. We're all okay!" One man said aloud.

    "But, the Dragons aren't," a feminine voice spurted.

    "Now, now. We will do something about the Dragons, but this will take time," Ryuu announced. "I have to know for sure that everyone is fine."

    "Daddy! Daddy! I just checked around, Iris is missing!" Mira came running up, completely out of breath.

    "What! What do you mean, Mira?!" Ryuu asked.

    "I'm saying that I think Iris left in pursuit of the poachers who took the Dragons! I checked the forest area she usually plays in when those poachers showed up! She's not there! Shelgon said he saw her leave a little while back! I think she went after the poachers, it's just like her to do something like that!"

    "The girl whose ancestors were responsible for ending the great strife between Dragons and humans," Ryuu said frustrated. "We cannot beat those men with only a few strong Pokémon at our side, the numbers have been lessened even more because they took some of the village's strong wild Dragons. They might not have been under anyone's ownership, but they protected our village. Iris is letting her anger go to her head instead of patiently waiting for help to come!"

    "What are we going to do?!" Mira asked with tears in her eyes.

    "I'm going to ask for help from a strong trainer who trained here years ago, he's become quite the remarkable battler from what I've heard. I'm going to call Drayden in the Unova Region!"
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 26th June 2013 at 10:07 PM.

  2. #2
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    I'd started reading the first one, but got bogged down in exams, and was reluctant to read it in any case as it seemed you were about to revise it - it's nice that I could catch the reboot. x3 You've done a great job of it, from what I remember of the previous one, though! Cleared up quite a few of the highlighted issues. A few little things, though:

    Given that this is on a Pokemon forum targeting an audience that are presumed to understand the premise of the games/anime/manga, the italicised introduction is really not necessary. It doesn't append/change anything to/in the basic background. As an introduction to the idea of Pokemon itself, in any case, there are elements that lack explanation.

    These magical creatures specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders. Pokémon who are the same type of the move they're using can cause greater damage than those with a different type.
    Your movement from discussing the categorical types of Pokemon to a reference to their 'moves', when a non-Pokemon savvy reader hasn't yet been informed that these creatures are set against each other in a commercialised blood sport or even that their attacks/use of their abilities are dubbed as 'moves, is a bit of a leap. Rephrasing would be key here, as would a more careful consideration of your target audience throughout this introduction. The wording of the final sentence is also confusing - it's 'the same type as the move'.

    Each type has different capabilities that make them stand out from the other types. There are certain types that are super effective to another. An example of this is that Water-type moves are super effective on Fire-type Pokémon.
    'Against' another. You also interchange what 'type' is referring to, switching from 'moves' to 'Pokemon type' throughout the introduction. As a result, here, where you mention that certain types are super-effective against each other, you are referring to both Pokemon and the move types. But if a water pokemon tackles a fire pokemon, the attack won't be super-effective against it, because what is crucial is not the type of the pokemon, but the type of the move - the type of pokemon just increases what moves they can do and the power of the move. You mentioned this at an earlier point, but failed to pull the distinction through and failed to define the difference here, so any reader without foreknowledge would be confused at this point. Keep an eye on the target audience, as I said before.

    I won't continue to point out things like this, you get the picture. A little reconsideration should iron it out. Again, though, if you're not intending to introduce a non-Pokemon audience to your fiction, the bulk of the introduction is redundant, at least until you reach the part about the Dragons, which, as it is of key interest to the protagonist and the story itself, is more relevant, as it introduces, in part, how the Dragons are perceived in your world, and how the villagers, in particular perceive them: this is decent scene setting material.

    I wouldn't say that the technical details about how 'ice moves are super effective' are really appropriate though - for two reasons.

    First of all, because that is once again introducing us to the concept of the tactics-based Pokemon games, and how dragon types are weak to dragon types and ice types which most readers would already know. If they don't know, which they possibly may not, I will admit, I still don't see how this piece of information is relevant at this moment. Knowing this technical detail doesn't assist the setting up of the scene or the story, I'd argue: it has no impact on the directly proceeding scene, and while it tactically introduces Dragons, there really isn't any need for tactical detail at this point. It feels irrelevant - for the time being, I'd argue.

    Finally, it's because this reel of statistics sounds unnatural when referring to flesh-and-blood creatures. It's dispassionate, discussing the creatures as you would an inanimate tool - a hammer is good for physical attacks, but if you use a fire attack on it, i.e. a blow torch, the attack will super-effectively melt it into a pile of molten iron and wood cinders. The more folk-lore-y sections, such as the hypothesis about the dragons' abilities to tolerate cold temperatures, both feels more natural and introduces how Dragons are perceived - and it is in this way I feel you could expand on the dragons weaknesses, if you feel you need to introduce it. It also reflects the cooperative relationship between the dragons and the villagers, which, as you finish stressing, is supposed to be close. Dispassionate descriptions draw away from that. But this is more a stylistic issue.

    The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Dragon Pokémon can be, it is a strong type that has the some of the strongest of moves in it.
    No need for the 'it' before 'is a strong'.

    It is hypothesized a Dragon's scaley body can't handle cold temperatures, nearly all Ice-types wield attacks like this.
    Sentence splice - you can't use a comma to connect two whole independent clauses (parts of a sentence). If the clauses on either side of a comma makes sense on their own, then you've created a splice. This website goes into more detail.

    I'll leave it here for now, but I'll come back and finish the review in a little while. I'm just hungry. x3


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    These beings being highly sought for their strength meant that due to their popularity they've become a rarity to be found in the wild.
    I wouldn't use "beings being" like that. It reads weird. I'd say either "These dragons being..." or "These beings are sought for their strength, and that means...."

    "You know my dad's gonna be annoyed." She exclaimed as she rubbed her brown eyes
    There should be a comma after "annoyed" and "She" should be lower case since "exclaimed" describes the actual dialogue (like "said" or "cried" or "yelled")

    "You really should manage your time better." The average height, light-skinned teen said authoritatively.
    The descriptive bits at the end there feel tacked-on. Try to work stuff like that into the narration on Mira instead of just gluing them to the end of sentences like that.

    "Iris you know how much I dislike lateness especially today. Next time I'm forbidding you from playing in that forest during class days and the Swablu hasn't hatched yet."
    A couple of punctuation problems there. There should be a semi-colon between "lateness" and "today", since there is a natural pause between those clauses. Also, after "class days" should be a period. "The Swablu hasn't hatched yet" should be its own standalone sentence.

    The Cotton Bird Pokémon awkwardly tried to flap its wings, attempting to emulate the elder Swablu, despite its efforts being futile as it definitely wasn't developed enough to fly.
    The grammar at the end of that sentence really falls apart. I'd put a period after "elder Swablu". And then the second sentence should be "Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough yet to fly". (that's another thing: it's hard, but try not to use contractions in narration).

    "Um... uh... Sure I can!" Iris had heard the same question many times and she always was ready to give the same response.
    Sounds like "um" or the like aren't ideal in dialogue like how you used them. I would change it to say something like Iris hesitated before answering, "Sure I can". Or Iris stammered, "Sure I can!".

    Now in the forest, she met a Dragon that was completely encased in a large, dome-like, gray shell.
    In past-tense, try to avoid saying "now". It implies present-tense. Say "Upon entering the forest" or "While in the forest".

    The Dragon Village was being invaded and some of the Dragons were being taken.
    This is telling instead of showing. I'd rather this line be cut, and you just describe the scene. Who are the invaders? What do they look like? What are they doing to the dragons?

    "Who are you exactly, poacher?" The man asked with animosity.

    "I'm Baron and I like to think of myself as more of a businessman than a lowly poacher." He introduced himself arrogantly.

    "Okay then, Baron. May I ask you this? Are you ready to face punishment for causing such chaos in this village and my home?" Ryuu took a look at the Weavile that stood next to its trainer.
    I don't know what exactly bothers me about this bit of dialogue, but it reads really weakly to me. It just seems too forced. Why does Ryuu care what this guy's name is? If someone is robbing my house, I'm not going to confront them and say "What's your name?" I'm just going to defend myself. Maybe Ryuu should just say "Leave my village, poacher!". Then you can keep Baron's line the same; his willingness to give his own name represents him as being smug and feeling untouchable. And then Ryuu's last bit of dialogue there seems a bit...cheesy to me. Like canned heroic dialogue. Maybe something more emotional like "This is my village, and I won't stand for this!" I dunno. I just don't like it as is. Sorry.

    "You leave me no choice." Ryuu muttered as he pulled out a Pokéball. Pressing a button in the middle of the metal orb, he gave it one toss into the air. A large stream of energy flowed from the red and white, metallic sphere. It took shape and formed a bulky, light orange body. The creature possessed muscular arms and legs, each end of both arms were equipped with three claws. The small blue-greenish and yellow wings on the Pokémon's back didn't look threatening in the slightest, the same could be said for the small horn on its head alongside two wobbly thin antennae. The Pokémon was none other than Ryuu's powerhouse, Dragonite.
    For as much intro as you do at the beginning of this story to teach new readers about pokemon (there are 17 types, they each have their own strengths and weaknesses, they can summon attacks from the elements, battles are a match of athleticism and wits, there are gyms, etc), you don't really describe pokeball technology much, and that would be a big question for a new reader. I'm not saying to necessarily plug it in here, but you might want to describe how pokeballs work in the opening, too.

    The Sharp Claw Pokémon held out its hands as a chunk of ice formed and was thrown at Dragonite, who fled to the skies, only to have its back pelted by the icy attack. Dragonite struggled to stay airborne after taking a doubly strong super-effective move to his backside. Ice Shard was a certain type of move that was known for its remarkable speed, always being able to strike first and fast. Despite this, Dragonite's ability, Multiscale halved the damage. Baron was extremely surprised by Dragonite's endurance.
    You know what I just said about pokeballs needing an intro since you intro'd pokemon themselves? You might want to mention how pokemon species have identifiers (i.e., "The Sharp Claw Pokemon") or what "abilities" are. Not that we here don't know that, but since the opening implies that this story is supposed to be accessible to non-pokemon fans, it'd help those types of readers out.

    "Go rot in hell!" Ryuu said disgruntled.
    This seems a little immature for someone of Ryuu's age and stature.

    The rather new member of the gang of poachers had only joined recently, his rather eccentric, awkward personality usually gave Baron a headache in more ways than one, despite his attempts at doing his job well.
    I'm trying not to complain about omniscient narrator despite how much I generally dislike it, but this bit here really sticks out to me. Why on Earth am I suddenly getting insight into this newbie member and/or Baron? Especially in a paragraph that started out with Iris' perspective? It's particularly jarring here, and it seems like it's thrown in JUST to explain something to which I could have waited on an answer.



    -Okay, it's interesting to me just HOW DIFFERENT this story is from the original. I was expecting kind of a re-hashing with new details thrown in, and that is clearly not the case. Commendable work on that.

    Obviously, there's some stuff you need to work on grammatically and with narration, but that's all right. This was actually not badly written at all, and was generally an enjoyable read. I look forward to future chapters.


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    I'm here for the Review Game.

    Quote Originally Posted by gotpika View Post
    Chapter 1 The Village of Dragons

    There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities. These amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning icy storms. These magical creatures specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders, moves also have their own type. Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were were executing.


    Overall, I'm liking your usage of a movie-like introduction as a basis for starting the story off. However, I have to say that I think that exclamation point at the end of the first sentence is a bit awkward. Actually, the first two sentences could probably be combined with a comma and work a bit better.

    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against other types. This allows there to be balance for Pokémon when they engage in contests of strength, technique, and athleticism known as "Pokémon Battles". These kind of battles between Pokémon are considered to be a popular sport that are enjoyed by all ages. In Pokémon battles, there are people who command their own Pokémon to utilize their moves in these fights to win against other Pokémon. These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".
    This paragraph is good, but feels a little wordy. Two pieces of advice I'd give you here are: 1) change "are" to "is" in "popular sport that are enjoyed by all ages," and 2) reduce the number of words a little bit. Going from beginning to end of the paragraph, you could probably cut "kind of," "own" and "in these fights."

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. There are facilities called "Pokémon Gyms" that specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that could be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.
    Beginning two consecutive sentences with "there are" creates awkward repetition, so I would recommend you change that.

    Each type has different capabilities that make them stand out from other types. There are certain types of attacks that are super effective, as in doing more damage than usual, to different types of Pokemon. An example of this is that Water-type moves are extra dangerous when used on Fire-type Pokémon. One of the 17 known types that a Pokémon can be is the Dragon-type. The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Dragon Pokémon can be, is a strong type that has the some of the strongest of moves in it.
    There's more repetition in the last sentence ("strong" variants being used twice) as well as some confusing wording. I understand that you mean "Dragon Pokemon" as in draconian Pokemon, not Dragon-types, but others may not.

    One of the two types that affect the Dragon-type greatly is the Ice-type, a type that can severly damage Dragons. It is hypothesized a Dragon's scaley body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for Dragon-types nearly all Ice-types wield attacks like this. Dragon-type moves are super effective on Dragon-type Pokémon too.
    It's very good that you're providing this information for readers who may not already be privy to it. However, once again the wordiness is coming out a bit cumbersome; this time, you do not need to say the second half of the first sentence, because all it does is restate the same information as the first half. You keep using "Dragon" a little too much in general, so let me give you the advice to try diversifying your language a bit.

    Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle, being blessed with magnificent battling prowess. Many are ferocious, many are mysterious, and many are sought for their high potential. Even Dragon-type Pokémon are known in legends for being responsible for the creation of many places and elements. They can also serve as guardians to people.

    These versatile beings' popularity meant they were highly sought for their strength and that meant that due to their popularity they've become a rarity to be found in the wild. Not only is it hard to find and capture one of these magnificent beasts, it's even harder to train and tame them to make them obey you in battle. If one was to succeed in doing such a hard feat, it would be a true testament to their skills to raise such a powerful Pokémon.

    There's one village in particular where people love and cherish Dragons for all they're worth. And in that particular village, a cheery girl who dreams of understanding the complex hearts of dragons resides, waiting till she's of age to start her own journey. This unique girl's name is Iris."
    The first sentence again restates the same information twice.

    I see the plot beginning to kick in now, so I'm excited. Let's get down to it.

    The light coming from the bright sun shined down on the forest's trees where a young girl was swinging from vine to vine. This wild girl used her free time differently from all the other young girls who also lived in the nearby "village of Dragons". Unlike the other girls, who never strayed from the village, she preferred to play in the forest with the Pokémon.
    So this is game Iris, but you borrowed some bits of her anime persona as well? I like that. It helps create a character that is recognizable and familiar while still being fresh.

    Wording note: Far too many uses of "girl" in this part.

    Her bright, maroon-red eyes stayed wary of any possible branches in her way as she swung wildly in commute to another tree. The big, dark-purple hair on her head was tied up in its usual style with two rabbit ear-like puffs at each sides and one at the bottom. She sported her not so common cream and pink-colored garb with shoes of a similar color.

    "Haha! Can't catch me!" The girl teased as she was pursued by two ape-like, long, white Pokémon. She was bent on winning the game of tag, even if her playmates were clearly more adept to the terrain and action of vine swinging than she was. With her confidence, she felt sure that she was going to win with all the experience she gained through years of practicing the sport.
    This is a very nice bit of characterization. It certainly fits Iris well, and for those who are not familiar with her, it serves as a good introduction to how she acts.

    "Vigorvigorvigor!" One of the Pokémon breathed heavily as it struggled to keep up with the tenacious child. Iris grabbed a vine and went hurtling to a tree, landing on a branch from which she climbed down a limb to a lower one. Both of the Wild Monkey Pokémon followed suit with ease.

    She proceeded to leave the two Pokémon as she took hold of another vine, and with much force, swung around the tree to another vine. The wild child then sneakily giggled as she kept going until she saw a branch in her path that made her quickly take hold of its limb and pull herself up. Making a sly grin, she yelled.

    "I'm right here!" The Vigoroth followed her voice, but as they came vine-swinging her way, they hit a vicious branch with their faces that caused them to yelp in pain. Before she left the two poor Vigoroth after she got bored, she uttered them a goodbye.

    "See ya later, it was fun!" The Vigoroth simply said their names again as they rubbed their faces, still reeling from the punishment they had received earlier. She was careful to climb down the tree as she remembered something alerting.
    I really like this scene. It's silly and laid-back, yet tells us just what we need to know about Iris. Someone coming into this completely blind could easily tell that Iris is cocky but in a playful way already.

    "Oh no! I forgot about today's lesson! Ryuu's gonna be so mad." The girl said as she scolded herself aloud. She knew very well that her mentor would be be less than joyful at her tardiness, especially when there was an important lesson on the schedule for the day. Ryuu, her caretaker and teacher was one of the main respected people of the Dragon Village. He was someone she could always look toward for advice and guidance, unfortunately he had a low tolerance for lateness.
    And now an original character, which adds some more variety to the mix. Good move.

    A note: the word immediately after the closing of quotations should be lowercase unless it begins a new sentence. "the girl said" is not the beginning of a new sentence here, so it should be lowercase.

    The girl ran quickly, cutting through the several shortcuts she had known for a long time in an attempt to get back to the village as quickly as possible. The Dragon Village, a home for many people and Dragon Pokémon was a place the girl had lived in nearly all her life and a sanctuary for the Pokémon around it. It was a common place for the upbringing of strong trainers who wanted to catch Dragons and train their Pokémon against them.
    All of this is good information, but it probably should be broken up into more sentences in order to make it easier to read.

    After she arrived at the village in around a quarter of an hour, she saw many people and Pokémon out and about doing what they usually did in the village. Some were training, some were picking berries, and some were just hanging around. Several people who knew the girl smiled at her as she was running to her lesson. A black-haired woman gave Iris a gleeful smirk as she walked over.

    "On time as always, Iris," said the woman sarcastically. "You know my dad's gonna be annoyed," she exclaimed as she rubbed her brown eyes, as one would do after waking up from a nap. Iris sighed in dismay as she needed no one to remind her of Ryuu's strictness when it came to these things, especially not his daughter.

    Being a student under Ryuu for nearly a year now, Iris became more and more wary of being on time for his classes. Unfortunately, the distractions that surrounded her sometimes prevented her from being on time. Ryuu's classes were intriguing at times and a lot of the time uninteresting, but she had a great amount of respect for Ryuu and understood his wishes. Ryuu always told her that the things he taught her would be of much value when she would become a Dragon trainer one day. She looked at the woman, giving a sincere expression.
    Good worldbuilding here. This scene is very clear with what information it is delivering.

    I have to point out, again, the overuse of a word. This time it's Ryuu's name, which could be substituted with "him" or "her teacher" or something at times.

    "I was only playing in the forest, Mira." Iris admitted while they walked together.

    "Daddy's just gonna be all over you for not being more careful of the time. I mean playing in the forest, right before a class? You have no concept of time." The seventeen-year-old said aloud while frowning at Iris. The aspiring future healer had always been very kind to Iris, given her father's role as a mentor in Iris' life. She also had a large respect for the young girl's past family and their effect on the village.

    "You really should manage your time better." The light-skinned teen said authoritatively.

    "I just forgot. Don't worry! I'll be sure to arrive sooner next time!" Said an embarrassed Iris as she rolled her eyes.
    These two interact well. I can see their conversation playing out quite clearly in my head.

    "You saying that makes me all the more worried." It's when she would make excuses like that that Mira would feel somewhat irritated at Iris' behavior. From then on, the two continued to chat as they walked toward Mira's father's place of work.

    "Did you see Shelgon while you were playing?" Mira asked.

    "Nah, I think he was somewhere else." Iris replied.

    Mira's Shelgon was the Pokémon Mira had since she was a young child. He never did much battling and liked playing around in the forest often like Iris. The two would run into each other often and converse and hang together.
    Something about this little bit of information makes me smile. I'm not really sure why.

    The air was clear and the temperature was cool as always. Their home village was just as lively as it had been for all the time they had lived in it. The pair finally made it to Ryuu's nursery and clinic, which was a pretty simple, brick house-like building.
    Ooh, I like this. It's pleasant to envision.

    "Well, I have to go." Mira said as she turned away from the building. "Try to be on time next time so daddy doesn't have to get on to you anymore." The young woman chuckled as she left in the opposite direction.

    Iris took a deep breath and looked toward the door, placing her palm on the metal knob. The girl took a deep breath and twisted the knob. After the door creaked open, she cautiously walked in. Without looking around the building she immediately blurted.

    "Sorry I'm late, Ryuu!"

    The blond-haired, older man turned his head around swiftly and looked at Iris. Dressed in his usual work attire of a pair of jogging pants and a clean white t-shirt with a light blue coat, Ryuu gave a slightly miffed expression to the young girl. A small bird swooped down toward Iris and gave her a nasty glare for her outburst.

    "Swablublu!" The blue-bodied, cotton-winged Pokémon pecked furiously.

    "Shuush!" The man hissed in a bad mood. He had come to expect this sort of thing from Iris since she was only eight-years-old, but that didn't stop him from at least trying to teach her to be on-time.
    Okay, I'm liking Ryuu and his Swablu already. Another very distinctive personality, which is something you seem to be quite good at.

    "Just hurry up and get your hands washed." The man retorted as he kept on walking, carrying several things. Iris went over to the sink and scrubbed her hands before returning to Ryuu, expecting a punishment or at least unpleasant words.

    "Sorry for missing the hatching of the Swablu....." said Iris shyly.

    "Iris you know how much I dislike lateness; especially today. Next time I'm forbidding you from playing in that forest during class days. The Swablu hasn't hatched yet." Ryuu said sternly. "Now let's get ready, it's due in a moment." Iris couldn't help but be somewhat glad as she expected her mentor to give her a more severe punishment. She did as he said and then helped get things in order around the place.
    Characterization and character interactions appear to be your strong suits so far, judging from things like this.

    Ryuu's nursery and clinic was his bread and butter. Healing, training, and tending to Pokémon was his forté since he was a young man around his daughter's age. The man owned the clinic for around eight years and specialized not just in healing Pokémon, but treating Dragons specifically too. Ever since Ryuu was a young child he rarely saw any healers who trained specifically to take care of Dragons.

    This meant some Dragons never got proper treatment for the injuries they received back then. One day, Ryuu decided he was going to change that. To succeed in doing so, he gave classes on healing to many people and tried to inform them of the basics of how to treat Dragons. Not only that, he would often help deliver the eggs of Dragons and insure the safe hatching of the infants. It's mainly thanks to his service he offered over so many years that the Dragon Village has been brimming with Dragons around it and the population has increased steadily.
    An excellent piece of background information here. This tells me quite a bit about Ryuu; he appears to be a harsh but kind person who takes things seriously but helps others. There's also some rather interesting backstory for the dragons that could be delved into from here, so using these paragraphs creates a good jumping-off point.

    "We're having the 'deliver and hatch' lesson today. It's important that you watch closely." The man lectured Iris dryly. "Let's head to the room." Ryuu and Iris walked down the hallways of the somewhat home-like nursery with Swablu fluttering behind.

    The usual scent of freshness and disinfectant permeated the air. In the room, placed in front of her and the man was a lone egg on a table. It was surrounded by many cushions, sheets, and a small rubber tub specifically made for Dragon eggs. The room was also filled with many supplies that were prepared for new born infant Dragons.

    "It's due in a few minutes. Quickly! Get that tub filled with some nice warm water." Ryuu examined the white and baby blue-colored egg as Iris brought over the tub of water. He wore a stethoscope and placed the end of it firmly on the egg, listening in for the life that it contained inside its shell. Ryuu heard the sound of the Dragon inside trying to get out of the egg with the stethoscope.

    "Standby, Iris." The man warned her. The egg began to glow a brilliant white with the light getting more and more intense with each second that passed. Iris and Ryuu both glued their eyes to the oval egg. Iris would never get used to how magnificent it was to see a Pokémon being born. The young girl's eyes' reflected compassion gave Ryuu a small grin. With each gradual second that passed it began to slowly take shape, a small, plump, circular body formed. Two thin, plucky hairs leaped from the light, popping in the air. Dingy, petite feet formed from the bottom of the creature.

    The light soon began to subside. All that remained was a small Swablu, nestled in its own wings, as if they were pillows themselves. It slowly stretched out its wings, revealing itself to the world.
    A very well-described and interesting scene. You can take several things away from this part - on the surface, Iris is just helping bring another dragon into the world, but if you think about it, she can learn lessons and life skills from this that go far beyond the surface situation here.

    "Swablublubluuuuuuu!" The newborn cried.

    "Swablu!" The elder Swablu was quick to comfort the baby.

    "Okay, let's get this little guy cleaned." Ryuu picked up the Cotton Bird Pokémon carefully placing it into the small tub of water. "Pay attention," Ryuu grabbed a small towel, he dipped it into the water and wrung it out. He slowly cleaned the Swablu's body with the cloth, making sure to get the fluffy wings disinfected.

    Iris examined this intently, as if she was truly a student watching a seminar take place. Learning to properly deliver a newly hatched Pokémon was one of Iris' most important learning points since she became a student under Ryuu a year ago. Mastering this would take time and her absolute attention.
    I'm amazed at the attention to detail here.

    "Dry towel!" Ryuu ordered Iris.

    "Swablublu," the older Swablu pointed to the baby, causing it to giggle. Ryuu had finished ridding it of all water. The Cotton Bird Pokémon awkwardly tried to flap its wings, attempting to emulate the elder Swablu. Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough yet to fly.

    "How cute." Iris admired the baby Pokémon's behavior.

    "Yes a fine, young child. Swablu will be ready to leave in about two weeks." Ryuu announced. "Things like these are sights to behold. You shouldn't ever take simple moments like these for granted."

    "Yeah, I know." Iris had heard these types of things for a long time from Ryuu, especially when he would get nostalgic about his glory days. Iris could tell the man enjoyed having memories about his younger life, being known as one of the strongest trainers in the village since he was just a teenager. Being a master of Dragons meant a great deal of respect.

    He always told Iris to cherish life and the beautiful moments that would await her. The birth of a Pokémon was no exception. She sometimes would get somewhat annoyed at the constant reminding she got, but Ryuu only did this because he really wanted her to value life and her current youth just like how he once was.
    I know I keep saying this, but I really am loving just how clear you make Iris's lessons and how well written they are. I can feel all of this being entirely real, and all of the characters feel real as well. I'm very impressed on that regard.

    "You think you're all ready to do this yourself one day?" Ryuu cradled the Cotton Bird Pokémon as it drank milk-like liquid from a small bottle without a care in the world.

    "Sure I can!" Iris said, slightly hesitating before answering. She had heard the same question many times and she always was ready to give the same response. "Being able to successfully deliver a newborn baby Dragon is important because it's one of the ways you can understand them better. You told me yourself, remember?"

    "Are you sure, because...." Ryuu said causing Iris to shoot him an annoyed stare. Ryuu liked seeing the annoyed face from the girl because it showed that he had blabbed about the subject so much to her that she was conditioned enough to remember it.

    "Okay, this lesson was short. I have some important business to attend to now. You may leave for the day." Iris liked hearing that from Ryuu since it meant that she was free to do as she pleased for the rest of the day.
    I wonder what the important business is.

    "Okay then. Bye Swablu!" Iris left out of Ryuu's clinic happily. Though class was done, she had her own athletic training and fun stuff to do with the Pokémon in the forest.

    She jolted through the village before going to the forest and took notice to the people and Pokémon who were out and about. Iris looked around with a bubbly expression on her face and held her arms out, as if she were an airplane, and took off, waving to each person she passed by. The Dragon Village's people were special to her.

    Even though she didn't have her parents she was lucky enough to live in a village that had people who cared for her. It gave her joy to know that people truly did care despite some of her troublesome actions. Living with Dragons made Iris' life so exciting for her. She felt so attached to it that she never felt like leaving. There's no other type of Pokémon that could make her heart leap with so much happiness other than Dragons.
    Will Iris's parents become a factor later? That's a subject I'm curious about.

    The protectors and symbols of Iris' home were irreplaceable. She hoped to one day have the blessing of being able to partner herself with one and become stronger alongside one of them.That meant being able to tame and train one, something Iris simply wasn't capable of doing at the moment.

    She also had to be able to become in-sync with one of these beasts, which meant learning to attune with these creatures' hearts on a personal level. That in itself would not be easy in the slightest and she knew it.

    She was willing to look into their hearts and truly try to understand every Dragon thanks to her upbringing in the village. One of her dreams was that she could one day understand the magnificent hearts of these beast. She tried very often but her efforts often had little to no effect. While in the forest she met a Dragon that was completely encased in a large, dome-like, gray shell.

    The only thing that was visible from inside the shell were two golden, rough eyes. The rest of the shell was fairly dark with four stubby, rough-skinned legs protruded from under the shell.

    "Shel," the Pokémon greeted Iris, to which she immediately recognized to be Mira's Shelgon from the voice. Shelgon could sense Iris' determination a mile away. He would often help her in her attempts to understand Dragons' hearts. Like Mira, Shelgon had a soft spot for Iris and was more than willing to give her a hand and cheer her up.

    "Okay, today's the day for sure!" Iris approached the Dragon and got close to him. "Just relax. I wanna understand you."

    "Shelgongon." The Endurance Pokémon stayed fairly calm as Iris began bending her knees down on the grass. She preciously placed her palm on Shelgon's rough exterior and closed her eye. She did her best to block out all other sounds, focusing her senses completely on the Pokémon's beating heart and doing her best to become at one with the strange creature.

    She opened her eyes and realized she understood nothing about the Dragon's heart much to her disappointment.

    "I guess today wasn't the day," Iris came to her senses, feeling defeated that her efforts to understand a Dragon's heart were once again futile.
    This is an interesting way to depict the whole "Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons" concept. It's good that Iris has a friendly Pokemon to practice with, though I get the feeling that may not always be the case.

    "Shel," the Endurance Pokémon growled once before going on its own way knowing that the chances of success would be slim as usual. Iris went over to a tree and climbed it. On the tree, she found a comfy, stable branch to rest soundly on as she reflected on her moment with Shelgon. She got a tad too comfortable as her momentary resting turned into a nap. After a tiring day, all Iris wanted to do was sleep. A momentary rest turned in a peaceful nap, and then into a deep slumber as Iris smiled and thought of her future.

    A few hours later she woke up, yawned, opened her eyes and stretched, feeling small pops from her bones as she got limber with the sun beating on her face. The girl looked around and surveyed her surroundings. She looked up at the sky and noticed it had indeed been possibly a few hours since she had started her slumber. She climbed down the tree and began to walk back towards the village. However, she was taken by surprise during her trek.

    "Swablububluswa!" The same Pokémon Iris had known as Ryuu's helper flew in range of her face. He warned and squawked at the young girl with a strain in his voice. Iris glared at the dotty Cotton Bird Pokémon and tilted her head wondering what was wrong.

    "Swablulu!" The Cotton Bird motioned its wings in the direction of the Dragon Village. She jogged instead of walking with Swablu flying closely in front and continuously chirping.
    I guess my prediction might be about to come true a lot faster than I thought. Something's clearly happened.

    "What is it?" Iris asked while jogging, as if it would make a difference since she couldn't understand the Pokémon. Just when she was about to enter the village the Cotton Bird began to peck her head, pointing to a tree. She climbed the tree and stayed tuckered in the greenery of the branches and looked down on an area of the village.

    She heard many roars and yelps. The sound of them made her scared and worried for what could have possibly been happening. There was an unusual amount of people along with Ryuu gathered with strange-looking men in front of them.

    Iris attempted to get closer by carefully going to yet another branch of another tree nearer. As she got a full view of it all she started shaking with a mixture of emotions, mostly fear. This fear was from what would become of the titular creatures and people of her village as she obtained full attention of what was happening.

    She noticed the people that stood around. Most were in the safety of their homes and others were outside watching the situation unfold. On a cool day like this, these were times where children would usually be frolicking and enjoying their youth. Instead it was the exact opposite, an aura of joy was replaced by caution.

    She put her palm on her forehead, wiping away a bead of sweat that attempted to escape from her face. She tried waking herself up, only to find out that it wasn't a dream, much to her dismay.

    Men in black, dingy clothing gathered up more and more Dragons with each second that passed. The invaders did their job with haste and seemed to do it with no problem whatsoever which slightly worried Iris. She snapped out of her surreal state and looked around. Terrified, helpless people all about. Not daring to make any sudden moves, mainly from fear of losing their lives. Iris watched from a distance, still tucked in the tree while remaining undetected by anyone.
    This feels a little hard to believe. Nobody's doing anything to stop this? I think that you need to state a little more clearly how these people are making the residents of the Village of Dragons feel threatened.

    They all kept their eyes trained on the brown-haired, rough-looking man that stood before him. His sly, despicable eyes were a clear window that showed how untrustworthy he was. Standing next to him was a short bluish-black Pokémon that barred knife-life claws. The most fear-striking thing about it was its simple gaze from the razor eyes on its face with its rather cold and sinister grin.

    Near them was a large, black truck. It had a caged, barred, backside that held many scale-covered creatures. Iris couldn't make out what Pokémon they were specifically, but she knew without a doubt that the captured Dragons were just as helpless as she was or else they surely would have freed themselves by now. She was tempted to try and get close to the truck, as the tree she was hiding in was right behind it. But she didn't want to risk it.

    "Old man, you're in no position to be trying anything. This village of yours is practically defenceless. I just want to gather what I came for to my heart's content with no interruption," the intimidating thief said loudly.

    Iris shuddered as she knew very well how right the man was. There weren't many powerful trainers in the village since chosen Dragon trainers go out on their journeys at a certain age. That in itself left the village pretty defenseless and at a disadvantage for possible attacks.
    Again, it's a little hard to believe. You'd think some villagers would feel loyalty to their home and stay to defend it as dragon trainers.

    Standing opposite of the man was Ryuu, who sported an angry look on his face and a wrinkled forehead. Iris was nervous having to watch someone who she cared for being in such a nasty situation.

    "My age does not matter. You are to leave this village in peace." Ryuu yelled loudly, which caused one of the thieves to cringe. "Don't think I won't do what I have to in order to protect this village."

    "We'll leave when we've collected what we need," the thief continued to protest.

    "Leave my village, poacher!" The man asked with animosity once more. Baron smirked, seeming unfazed by Ryuu's anger.
    If Baron is the poacher's name, it's not generally a good idea to use the name as if we know it already before you tell it to us.

    "I'm Baron and I like to think of myself as more of a businessman than a lowly poacher." He introduced himself arrogantly.

    "I see you're ready to face punishment for causing so much trouble toward my home." Ryuu took a look at the Weavile that stood next to its trainer.

    "Hah! Big words, big words. That's all I hear, I know very well how the Dragon Village is known for having strong trainers. You are not one of them." Baron tormented childishly, which elicited a grimace from Ryuu.

    "You leave me no choice." Ryuu muttered as he pulled out a small ball. Pressing a button in the middle of the metal orb, he gave it one toss into the air. A large stream of energy flowed from the red and white, metallic sphere. It took shape and formed a bulky, light orange body. The creature possessed muscular arms and legs, each end of both arms were equipped with three claws. The small blue-greenish and yellow wings on the Pokémon's back didn't look threatening in the slightest, the same could be said for the small horn on its head alongside two wobbly thin antennae. The Pokémon was none other than Ryuu's powerhouse, Dragonite.
    He doesn't sound so weak to me, if he has a Dragonite...

    Iris knew Ryuu's Dragonite all too well. She would sometimes watch Ryuu and the Dragon Pokémon training together. Seeing Dragonite fueled her dream of one day having her own powerful, large Dragon. Once again though, she remembered raising and evolving Dragon Pokémon in-general has always been talked of as if it was a difficult test.
    Another nod to the anime?

    "You have to have lots of guts to even send out a Dragon-type against an Ice-type Pokémon like Weavile," the man hissed. "We brought these choice of Pokémon here with the intent of defeating Dragons easily."

    "You'll be surprised at the power of a hard-trained Dragon. Now use Dragon Claw!" The Dragon Pokémon dove at Weavile with its murderous claws glowing a bluish hue.

    "Make ready to evade it then strike with Ice Shard."

    "Wea," the Pokémon concurred. Weavile stood calmly and waited for its enemy. It made a near effortless jump, just in time to evade the charging Dragonite. The Sharp Claw Pokémon held out its hands as a chunk of ice formed and was thrown at Dragonite, who fled to the skies, only to have its back pelted by the icy attack. Dragonite struggled to stay airborne after taking a doubly strong super-effective move to his backside. Ice Shard was a certain type of move that was known for its remarkable speed, always being able to strike first and fast. Despite this, Dragonite's ability, Multiscale halved the damage. Baron was extremely surprised by Dragonite's endurance.

    "Haha!" a loud roar came from Ryuu. "You've never battled a Pokémon with 'Multi-Scale' have you? This ability halves an attack's damage when the Pokémon with said ability has their health full." Iris smirked seeing Baron was unfamiliar with the ability that some Dragonite had, allowing them to take attacks more effectively than they normally would. How Ryuu managed to obtain a Pokémon with such a rare ability, Iris didn't know. Managing to find one almost seemed like something she could only do in a dream.
    This could be delivered a lot more effectively, for example by having Baron react to Multiscale before revealing and explaining it. This part needs better description overall.

    Also, you spelled "Multiscale" two different ways when "Multiscale" is the correct spelling.

    "I guess I must have underestimated the power and capabilities of that Pokémon." Ryuu said under his breath. "No matter, I'll take your Dragonite too then!" yelled Baron.
    Who is speaking here?

    "Stay strong!" Ryuu encouraged his Pokémon. "Show them your power with Thunderbolt!" The Dragon Pokémon's antennae built up with electricity and delivered a blast of thunder toward Weavile. The Pokémon instinctively evaded the attack with grace, making Iris marvel at what a formidible opponent the Weavile was for Ryuu's Dragonite.

    "Ice Beam!" Weavile created an azure ball of ice on its mouth and directed the steady stream of chilling blast towards Dragonite. The Dragon Pokémon was just lucky enough to evade the super-effective attack in a split second. Ryuu was happy to see his fellow protector dodging the move without having to be told.

    "Thunderbolt, once more!" Ryuu shouted. Dragonite swiftly generated a powerful blast of electricity towards Weavile again. The Sharp Claw Pokémon reacted once again evading the attack just in time. This made Baron more cocky, much to Ryuu's annoyance.

    "Isn't that agility just amazing?" Baron smirked. "I trained him myself to reach that level of speed. Now Weavile, use Blizzard!" This time his Pokémon conjured a huge ice storm like blast of wind and ice toward Dragonite and struck the Dragon Pokémon's chest which caused him to howl in pain from the subzero attack that made him crash on the ground. Dragonite did his best to gain his composure.

    "Stay strong Dragonite!" Ryuu encouraged the large, light-orange Pokémon. Ryuu's Dragonite had been in many tough spots, but was known for his power as well as etiquette when battling against Ice-type Pokémon.

    "Ice Beam, again!" Baron was sure that the Ice Beam was finally going to take down Ryuu's Dragonite.

    "Try this Baron, Flamethrower!" A fiery blast trailed toward the Ice Beam, causing a slight cloud of steam to fill the air as the Ice Beam collided with the Fire-type move. Many sprinkles and bits of water showered Weavile, making the Sharp Claw Pokémon and ground around it wet.

    "There's no running this time!" Said Ryuu who then proceeded to tell his Dragonite to use his Thunderbolt attack toward the wet area. Weavile had no time to react as it was promptly zapped by the powerful electricity with the water conduction causing more damage to Weavile. It was a clever trick Ryuu learned to use against his opponents in his younger days which worked wonders. Sparks surged off Weavile's damaged body. The Sharp Claw Pokémon was no tank and definitely Baron wasn't comfortable with seeing it take such a powerful attack.

    Weavile couldn't stand up because of the power of the attack. Baron grunted with anger. With slightly clouded judgement he gave a temperamental command in an attempt to end things fast. "Nail it with Ice Punch!" Weavile used its remaining strength to bound into the air with a fist that shined with cold ice.

    Ryuu was quick to seize the opportunity though. "Ascend, then dive, and end this with Fire Punch!" Dragonite's fist was pumped with a fiery blaze of heat as he jetted off and then dive bombed the Sharp Claw Pokémon.

    Both punching moves struck each other with much force but in the climax of the battle, both moves clashed and brought a magnificent explosion of power. Fire Punch overpowered Ice Punch and when the smoke cleared it showed a very exhausted and knocked out Weavile while Dragonite continued to stand proudly. Iris smiled with glee watching the Dragon Pokémon make fairly short work of Weavile with only two attacks.

    "But, how did...?!" Baron was stupefied at the Dragon Pokémon's endurance and power.
    That was a pretty decent battle. I certainly would not call Ryuu weak.

    "Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are. You should have been more cautious. Let's take care of the poacher, Dragonite. I want him!" Ryuu wasn't joking as his Dragonite was making ready to bolt toward Baron.

    "Hmph! Don't think that I've given up yet!" The man said with slime in his voice. Iris and the other villagers paid close attention as Baron motioned toward two men standing and guarding the truck. The grunts proceeded to open the cage. The sound of Pokéballs being opened drew in Iris' attention.

    A pink, kingly Pokémon stood near the cage, it put its hands on its large crown-like rock helmet, both eyes glowed a light blue color. Standing near the pink Pokémon was a brown, tall Pokémon, its whiskers were quite long. It held two spoons in its three-fingered hands, as if they were weapons themselves. The spoons and its eyes took on a blue tone. Two large creatures were forced out of the cage-like truck violently.

    The aroma of fresh blood was the first thing that struck Iris' attention. As both of the creatures came into view, Iris could only look on sorrowfully at the two Pokémon. Their ferocious, pale, yellow irises were filled with anger. No not anger, absolute hatred. Hatred for Baron and his men and what was being forced upon them. The Cave Pokémon certainly looked like they had seen better days.

    Their red-spiked, blue-scaled bodies were whipped in various areas. Some bare flesh showed from the abuse they suffered, their wings were slashed in a few places as well. The sight nearly triggered the young girl's gag reflex as her skin crawled.

    Baron grabbed a long whip from his pocket. He pulled it back and with much force slung the vicious cord onto the back of one of the Druddigon. This caused the attacked Pokémon to holler in pain. Iris looked at the Cave Pokémon's eyes and could tell she was struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to flood her face. Iris felt a mixture of anger, sadness, and shock. With each whipping the Druddigon received the image was permanently burned into her mind.

    "Halt your attack and I'll stop whipping these poor, poor Dragons. Your move old man." Baron tormented the other man. "The Dragons here are pretty weak if they can be subdued this easily."
    This really doesn't feel like all that much of a threat. Ryuu has his Dragonite, so why does he not try to free the Druddigon?

    "O-Okay sir!" the bumbling, blond-haired young man ran up to the truck, stumbling on the way there and tripping. The rather pale-skinned man fell on his face. "S-Sorry, Baron!" He apologized while he timidly got on his feet. The rather new member of the gang of poachers had only joined recently, his rather eccentric, awkward personality usually gave Baron a headache in more ways than one, despite his attempts at doing his job well.

    "How did he get mixed in with those guys?" Iris wondered as she got a small amount of enjoyment at the incompetent grunt's expense in an attempt to spite Baron, despite the fact he couldn't hear her.

    "Tommy, you *******!" Baron yelled to the buffoon of a grunt with zero sympathy. Putting the inefficient behavior aside Baron walked up and got into the passenger's seat as Tommy was stationed in the driver's seat. The leader of the poachers decided to leave some parting words to make Ryuu and the villagers feel more bad.
    Is this grunt supposed to be comic relief? He feels a little out of place in what is otherwise a serious story, I think.

    "Is everyone alright?" Ryuu announced, attempting to comfort everyone as they all were still shaken up from what had happened. The group of people talked among themselves and tried their best to reassure themselves of what had just had happened a while back, making sure that everyone was feeling okay and well.

    "Everyone is okay Ryuu. We're all okay." One man said aloud.

    "But, the Dragons aren't," a feminine voice spurted.

    "Now, now. We will do something about the Dragons, but this will take time." Ryuu announced. "I have to know for sure that everyone is fine."

    "Daddy! Daddy! I just checked around, Iris is missing!" Mira came running up, completely out of breath.

    "What?! What do you mean, Mira?!" Ryuu asked.

    "I'm saying that I think Iris left in pursuit of the poachers who took the Dragons! I checked the forest area she usually plays in! She's not there! Shelgon said he saw her leave a little while back! I think she went after the poachers, it's just like her to do something like that!"
    This fits into Iris's pattern of behavior, I think. Though I still think this whole thing could have been avoided.

    "The girl whose ancestors were responsible for ending the great strife between Dragons and humans." Ryuu said frustrated. "We cannot beat those men with only a few strong Pokémon at our side, the numbers have been lessened even more because they took some of the village's strong wild Dragons. They might not have been under anyone's ownership, but they protected our village at times and seemed to care more about this village than the people did. Iris is letting her anger go to her head instead of patiently waiting for help to come!"

    "What are we going to do?!" Mira asked with tears in her eyes.

    "I'm going to ask for help from a strong trainer who trained here years ago, he's become quite the remarkable battler from what I've heard. I'm going to call Drayden in the Unova Region!"
    And a decent ending to wrap everything up. The hints about Iris's backstory provide an interesting cliffhanger, as does the reveal of Drayden.

    Anyway, let's sum things up:

    Characters: Your strongest suit. Every character has a defined, distinct personality that makes them clear individuals. Iris's character stands out, which I say because this feels very much like it could be a story involving her in canon.

    Relationships: Also good. The characters mesh well together, meaning they maintain their individuality while contributing to the larger whole. This was especially evident during Iris's lesson with the Egg.

    Writing: This is your weakness, I think. Some problems here include wordiness, repetition of certain words, and awkward wording. A beta reader could help you with this by helping you correct such mistakes.

    Plot: Finally, I have to say that I overall enjoyed the plot. You're providing a look into the history of a relatively new character and you're writing that history well. I could believe at times that I actually was watching Iris. Seeing her grow through lessons learned from Ryuu was a satisfying experience. Unfortunately, the plot with the poacher was a bit less interesting, because his plan felt a little strange and reliant upon coincidence and luck.

    Overall, I enjoyed it. I'd recommend it if an Iris fan asked me for an Iris fic recommendation.

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  5. #5
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    Heyy, gunna' do a review haha I'm not an expert but will try my best.

    the move they were were executing.
    Only one were.

    Umm, you mentioned why ice types in the intro were super effective towards dragon types, which was interesting! Would you possibly be able to come up as a theory as to why dragon types are super effective agains dragon types? That would be cool. Also in the introduction, you covered plenty of information but another thing you could possibly add is how someone becomes a gym leader? As that's not really explained in depth and I just thought sice the fic centres around iris it might be a nice addition to add.

    I'm abit through and I must say your description is fine honestly, but being a more creative writer I feel it could be better! Ya know, a few metaphors, smilies, maybe add some alliteration that rolls of the tongue? It would just make the fic more enjoyable to read as we're I'm upto right now (Swablu hatching) its becoming abit of a drag.

    closed her eye.
    Eyes? I'm not sure?

    "My age does not matter. You are to leave this village in peace." Ryuu yelled loudly, which caused one of the thieves to cringe. "Don't think I won't do what I have to in order to protect this village."
    That's what I was waiting for! I was thinking surely Ryuu is gunna' have to say something!

    "I'm Baron and I like to think of myself as more of a businessman than a lowly poacher." He introduced himself arrogantly.
    Oh I like him.

    I like the battle, you're describing it really well, the tactics are interesting and I can picture it all in my head nicely! Well done! I love that Baron is a villain that actually cares for his Pokemon. It's great that your describing the Pokemon before you reveal them other people (like me) can never be bothered to do that. Kudos

    Ok I take that back, Baron doesn't care for his Pokemon, or maybe just Weaville? (my mistake, druddigon wasn't his)

    feel more bad.
    Maybe 'feel even more bad.' ?

    "I'm saying that I think Iris left in pursuit of the poachers who took the Dragons! I checked the forest area she usually plays in! She's not there! Shelgon said he saw her leave a little while back! I think she went after the poachers, it's just like her to do something like that!"
    This might just be me but I think this is a tad rushed, you could of planned this out better. I don't understand how Shelgon could get that point across so easily and how Mira could of checked the forest so quickly, maybe spread it out abit, like have them find out she was missing the next day or bourse later maybe Mira realises she hasn't seen iris in a while.

    The anticipation of Draden is a nice touch at the end, something to leave the reader anticipated. I couldn't find any spelling mistakes (but that's coming from me haha) or grammar, so well done! Obviously this is just the first chapter however I don't feel like the plot is strong enough at all, but of course it is most likely not the full plot or whatever. If it is, and the whole story is about iris searching for these poachers I really don't know how far you can go with it. Your range of vocabulary is nice to read although as said before I would prefere more creative writing involved. Otherwise a nice chapter so far, you've described everything fine but nothing I could say was 'exceptional' like idk, even though it's blatantly not rushed at all it still seemed like it because of the lack of small but significant details you could of added.

    Well that's all from me, hope I wasn't too nice/bad aha, see ya later
    For everyone who likes stories you can read my first ever fan-fic here!


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  6. #6
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    I think that I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapters. I got pulled in with the title because I had a feeling it would be an Iris-centric fic. I've really started to like Iris' character lately and I think she's an interesting character. It will be interesting to see your version of how Iris becomes the champion. I really really enjoyed the first chapter.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by C.Gholy View Post
    I think that I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapters. I got pulled in with the title because I had a feeling it would be an Iris-centric fic. I've really started to like Iris' character lately and I think she's an interesting character. It will be interesting to see your version of how Iris becomes the champion. I really really enjoyed the first chapter.
    Well, thank you for deciding to read my fic. I hope you enjoy it, hopefully the quality will increase significantly as things go along This is my first true fanfic so I'll try to keep on mend and try to continue to improve it.

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    Umm, you mentioned why ice types in the intro were super effective towards dragon types, which was interesting! Would you possibly be able to come up as a theory as to why dragon types are super effective agains dragon types? That would be cool.
    It's a thought I dabbled with, I didn't think many would be interested.

    I'm abit through and I must say your description is fine honestly, but being a more creative writer I feel it could be better! Ya know, a few metaphors, smilies, maybe add some alliteration that rolls of the tongue? It would just make the fic more enjoyable to read as we're I'm upto right now (Swablu hatching) its becoming abit of a drag.
    Gotcha, I'll work on this in the future.



    Eyes? I'm not sure?
    fix'd

    Maybe 'feel even more bad.' ?
    fix'd


    Quote Originally Posted by katiekitten View Post
    Given that this is on a Pokemon forum targeting an audience that are presumed to understand the premise of the games/anime/manga, the italicised introduction is really not necessary. It doesn't append/change anything to/in the basic background. As an introduction to the idea of Pokemon itself, in any case, there are elements that lack explanation.
    Thank you for pointing that out. To be honest I just decided to do this intro because I thought it would be a good way to start off the story, I didn't have a specific target audience in mind. ^^;;



    Your movement from discussing the categorical types of Pokemon to a reference to their 'moves', when a non-Pokemon savvy reader hasn't yet been informed that these creatures are set against each other in a commercialised blood sport or even that their attacks/use of their abilities are dubbed as 'moves, is a bit of a leap. Rephrasing would be key here, as would a more careful consideration of your target audience throughout this introduction. The wording of the final sentence is also confusing - it's 'the same type as the move'.
    Noted and cleared up.


    Finally, it's because this reel of statistics sounds unnatural when referring to flesh-and-blood creatures. It's dispassionate, discussing the creatures as you would an inanimate tool - a hammer is good for physical attacks, but if you use a fire attack on it, i.e. a blow torch, the attack will super-effectively melt it into a pile of molten iron and wood cinders. The more folk-lore-y sections, such as the hypothesis about the dragons' abilities to tolerate cold temperatures, both feels more natural and introduces how Dragons are perceived - and it is in this way I feel you could expand on the dragons weaknesses, if you feel you need to introduce it. It also reflects the cooperative relationship between the dragons and the villagers, which, as you finish stressing, is supposed to be close. Dispassionate descriptions draw away from that. But this is more a stylistic issue.
    Hum...I actually never thought of it that way, I'll keep this in mind. Also all grammatical issues are cleaned up, thank you for pointing them out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    DIFFERENT this story is from the original. I was expecting kind of a re-hashing with new details thrown in, and that is clearly not the case. Commendable work on that.
    Indeed, it isn't really a rehash. More like a new story made from the ground up in a way, same concept, same characters, different plot, tone, and execution. Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    So this is game Iris, but you borrowed some bits of her anime persona as well? I like that. It helps create a character that is recognizable and familiar while still being fresh.
    Yes, I did. Thank you for the compliment, I was going for that when I decided on making her a bit of a "wild child".

    Will Iris' parents become a factor later? That's a subject I'm curious about.
    Haha, I'm not sure. I'm actually still working on whether or not and when that should be incorporated into the story if I put it in.
    Another nod to the anime?
    That actually wasn't a nod to the anime. I just wanted to show that Iris wishes she had a strong Dragon like Ryuu's since he's her teacher, caretaker, and mentor.

    Is this grunt supposed to be comic relief? He feels a little out of place in what is otherwise a serious story, I think.
    I know he seems out of place and a bit like a bonehead move to include among the rest of the baddies. But he serves a very important purposes later on in the story.

    Writing: This is your weakness, I think. Some problems here include wordiness, repetition of certain words, and awkward wording. A beta reader could help you with this by helping you correct such mistakes.
    Indeed, that's always been one of my main problems. My words, awkward phrasing, wordiness, and repetition of words, I'm working on improving on that. Also, I've corrected every grammatical mistake that was pointed out and went back and cleaned up some of the words a bit.
    Unfortunately, the plot with the poacher was a bit less interesting, because his plan felt a little strange and reliant upon coincidence and luck.
    Yeah, I agree about that. It felt a bit too "situational" in a way, like what were the chances the poachers would show up out of the blue like that? I wish I could have foreshadowed that more, but thanks for pointing this out. I'll work on doing this more properly in the future.




    I've cleaned every grammar error up and fixed up some of the wordiness in Chapter one, I really appreciate the reviews it can only improve my writing skills and I'm glad that you all took the time out of your days to read my fic and critique it. Hopefully the significantly shorter chapter two is up to scratch.

  8. #8
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    There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.
    In my opinion, this should be two sentences - replace the comma with a full stop.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning icy storms.
    Now the opposite - this could all be one sentence and sound more fluid.

    The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Draconian or Dragon Pokémon can be, is a strong type that has some of the rarest of moves under its name. For example, Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.
    I fail to see as to why this is a 'for example' moment - the fact that Charizard is not dragon has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

    It is hypothesized a Dragon's scaley body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-types wield powers like these.
    It is hypothesized THAT a Dragon's scaley body can't handle cold temperatures, AND, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-.......

    Just a suggestion.

    "Haha! Can't catch me!" The girl teased as she was pursued by two ape-like, long, white Pokémon.
    After the speech marks put 'the' rather than 'The' as it is continuation.


    The Sharp Claw Pokémon was no tank and Baron wasn't comfortable with seeing it take such a powerful attack.

    Weavile couldn't stand up because of the power of the attack
    You repeat the term 'power' and 'attack' twice, - maybe sub the latter sentence for 'Weavile couldn't stand due to the thousands of volts coursing through its fragile body.' And the use of 'tank' sounds an awful lot like a real-life competitive battling title - just sounds a bit off, even if the people in this world use it.

    A pink, kingly Pokémon stood near the cage, it put its hands on its large crown-like rock helmet, both eyes glowed a light blue color.
    Three issues: first, I believe 'regal' to be a better word here than 'kingly', I personally feel that the 'large crown-like rock helmet' should be referenced to having eyes and, finally, I find the phrase 'a light blue colour' to be a little jagged; can't you just say 'light blue'?

    "It's been nice doing business with you, remember if you try anything. They'll die."
    Switch the first comma and first full stop. That makes the last sentence flow better.

    "What?! What do you mean, Mira?!"
    Ahh, the perfect opportunity to use the interrobang twice: ‽

    That mark is a question mark over an exclamation mark and could be used when both are used at the same time, and the two sentences above are perfect for this. Of course, it's not a properly recognised mark, but its popularity is increasing.

    Well, over all I think it was quite a good read. You made the village seem really homely (somewhere an adventure is sure to start) so good on you for that. The description you go into on the intro may be a little much, however - after all, we all know these things about Pokemon already! So, maybe meantion the importance of Dragon being Weak to Ice, but the whole water/fire thing is a little redundant for this story, don't you think?

    So, overall, you managed to grab our attention immediately after the post-intro, and set the scene and world very nicely (I don't watch the anime - are all these people from it? (I know Iris, of course)) as well as Iris' childishness, with her rash behaviour and cute air-plane impersonation.
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 28th October 2012 at 3:20 PM.
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
    Read My Epic Fanfic -

        Spoiler:- Thanks to DeadlyBraviary!:

  9. #9
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    A/N: Chapter 2 is finally here after an extremely long interval of time, nearly four and half months since the last update. That's just so unallowable, I apologize for that since I've actually had a few people contact me regarding the fic.'s current status and when Chapter 2 would finally be released. I'm actually fairly surprised that I wasn't able to get it out sooner, but I'll make sure to never have a gap that monstrous again. Not to mention, the 'real world' got in my way since I've been busy with the holidays, football conditioning training, and other lame excuses. Without further ado here it is. No the title is not a spelling error, it's meant to be a pun/reference.


    Chapter 2 Dragon Tails


    “Damn, where is it?!”

    The firmly built, spacious clinic was in shambles. The man had tossed around various objects in his erratic searching. He desperately pursued the guide, knowing that it, as well as the person it would lead to, might ultimately end up being Iris's salvation.

    A sweaty, headache-consumed Ryuu muttered unintelligible words under his breath as he yanked out a drawer with little force. This caused a variety of papers to take flight around him. The frustration the man felt was an intoxicating mixture of anxiety and exhaustion. He thought back several times to the day’s incident and replayed the same scenario in his head. The poachers were ruthless to say the least.

    "I found the map!" Mira yelled, much to the surprise of Ryuu. His daughter handed him the raggedy paper and he hastily grabbed a Poké Ball. After he enlarged and tossed it, a bang of energy flooded from the capsule and Dragonite appeared. Ryuu held out the map so the Dragon could get a good view of it.

    “This is the Unova Region, find this man in this place.” Ryuu showed the map as well as a picture to the fully-grown Pokémon. The Dragon analyzed the two illustrations for a few more minutes as Ryuu did his best to explain their current situation to him in a rushed but understandable manner.

    “Is this really the best way?” Mira asked half-heartedly.

    “A Dragonite’s intelligence can match or exceed that of a human’s and Dragonite in-general are known for having exceptional speed,” Ryuu proclaimed as Dragonite bolted toward the door and took flight, flying at what seemed to be so fast that his speed could reduce a jet to an envious mess.

    Having done everything he could to help Iris at this point, Ryuu had no choice but to leave it up to faith from this point on. The man took a seat on the couch sitting near the commons area, his head throbbed with pain from his headache. He felt mentally and physically drained from the day and it was no secret to Mira there was a gray cloud of guilt, frustration, worry, and depression that hung overhead.

    How was Iris doing? What was she doing? Was she hungry, scared, tired? Had she found the poachers? Had the poachers found her?

    Scanning the photograph he had shown to Dragonite, it detailed a person who reminded him of Iris in a way. The personality of a dreamer no doubt.

    “I have to rely on him for help.....” the respected man closed his eyes and relaxed for a few seconds, which gradually morphed into minutes. He felt nostalgic as he closed his eyes and dropped into a much-needed slumber.

    -:-

    It was sultry with the sun beaming in the clear, azure sky overhead. The great weather was something the sprawling Dragon Village was blessed with often. It gave a nice sense of peace to the once torn village that was sometimes called “Dragon Hell” for its past.

    A youthful man breathed calmly as a breeze of air swept through his blond hair, the lively guy wore his usual poker face in the heat of a challenge, height wise he was average compared to other Dragon Village fellows.

    Before him was a mostly blue-bodied, elegant serpent with two angelic wings in place of ears and a plain white underbelly. The majestic being did nothing but sleep peacefully in the midst of battle, probably the most appealing thing about the creature were the crystal, cerulean orbs on his tail and neck, the latter having one while the former being dual orbed. The miniscule non-threatening horn that jutted out of his head didn’t seem very lethal.

    Opposite the duo were an older man who was distinguished by his auburn hair and a lizard that seemed to possess a flame for a tail tip. The fire creature wobbled as it became clear its dark-red body was littered with several bruises that told the tale of a harsh battle that was going to end soon, but before that the trainer decided to give one last futile command.

    “Flamethrower!” the Flame Pokémon took a deep breath and showered the Dragonair in a hot power that completely enveloped him. As the flames died down they revealed Dragonair wasn't shaken in the slightest.

    The Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned. His trainer flicked a hand carelessly. A charge of lightning sent the Charmeleon flying twenty feet away, almost as if it was an insignificant pest being swatted. Much to the surprise of no one the Fire-type did not stand back up.

    “You make it look easy.” The other trainer said while returning the unconscious Charmeleon to its Poké Ball and grunting in slight frustration.

    “Thanks,” Ryuu patted Dragonair on his head in gratitude.

    “I actually thought that battling against you would push Charmeleon toward evolution. It was an interesting battle at least,” the trainers exchanged handshakes before parting ways.

    “Let’s battle again soon,” Ryuu returned Dragonair to his Poké Ball as he stared up at the sky and took notice to the flock of bird Pokémon that flew overhead. The day was as lively as always and the unchanging aura of the village was something he was accustomed to.

    He would wake-up, eat, and train, sometimes finding trainers to face off against. Time would be spent researching different plants, as a striving self-proclaimed “Dragon Doctor” he would often experiment with many different herbs.

    Today was no exception, he spent the day examining various greenery, only taking a break to battle a passerby. While searching, none of the plants gained his interest, so he looked a bit harder.

    The man took a detour around his usual spot and winded up near a clearing after a quarter of a hour. Nothing stood out about the place, it was a normal natural area.

    As he spent the better half of an hour examining the place, he came upon something peculiar. In the distance he made out two figures rolling around together on the ground, seemingly fighting. He moved in closer to get an earful of what they were saying.

    A maturing male voice growled, the brown-gray haired child had the creature in a headlock. His plain white t-shirt had been slightly ripped from the bout which showed off his pale skin that eluded the sun’s tanning rays. It wasn’t hard to tell that the boy worked out daily as he was decently built for his size and was contending against a wild Pokémon.

    “Fraxure!” The reptilian, forest-tinted Pokémon with tusks that seemed nearly as long as a yardstick tried to shake free of the boy’s grip as he flailed around. The human adversary drew back his fist and made ready to send it into Fraxure’s red-speckled gut, but the Pokémon threw the boy off of him in the nick of time. The Dragon-type took the opportunity to put a licking on his opponent, but the boy evaded the kicks and punches that were thrown his way.

    Fraxure smirked as he sneakingly swiped his left foot near the boy’s leg, causing him to momentarily lose his balance. This was enough for the Fraxure to force all his weight on the adolescent and keep him firmly planted to forest floor. Fraxure had a desperate look in his eyes as it made ready to pound the young man before Ryuu pulled out a Poké Ball and strided over with a yell.

    “Stop!”

    Fraxure and the kid both looked over toward Ryuu, taken off guard by the sharp scream.

    “Dragona-” Ryuu made ready to release his Dragon starter, once more, before he clumsily fell to the ground in his haste, dropping the Poké Ball as well.

    “Are you okay?” The boy and Fraxure both bolted over to a disoriented Ryuu lying on the ground. The Tusk Pokémon helped the man back up to his feet as he coughed in slight pain. Ryuu straightforwardly asked though.

    “Why were you fighting?!”

    “That was training.”

    “What the....” Ryuu didn’t finish his sentence, slightly embarrassed at the huge brouhaha he had made over supposed training.

    “We wrestle in order to train with each other, that’s how it’s always been. People usually think we’re fighting seriously though. I’m Drayden by the way and this is my Fraxure.”

    “Fraxuuu,” the Pokémon introduced himself with a comical salute. Ryuu turned several shades of pink as he went over and scouted for his Dragonair’s Poké Ball. He made sure to apologize once he walked back toward Drayden.

    “Well, sorry about that, you can go back to your training. I’m just here looking for some herbs.”

    “We’re calling it a day for now actually,” Drayden pointed his Poké Ball at the Tusk Pokémon and a beam shot at him, materializing the reptile into a red energy and sucking him back into the device. Drayden pocketed the orb. “What type of herbs?”

    “They’re green with a slightly darker tint near the bottom and leaf-shape and speckled with red tiny spots.”

    "You mean like those right there," Drayden said as he pointed to a nearby tree. Ryuu took notice to the unfamiliar accent of the boy.

    “Exactly,” the striving Dragon medic became somewhat elated, still visually embarrassed though, as he immediately walked over and picked a few pieces of the greenery and stored it in his medical pouch attached to the side of his hip.

    “You’re a medic and know this place, so you live in the Dragon Village?”

    “Yes, I do indeed.”

    “Good we can go together,” he tagged alongside the fellow, walking with purpose toward the village.

    “So, do you always train with your Fraxure like that?”

    “Fraxure is my starter, what better way to toughen him up?” Drayden said affectionately as he wiped a small amount of sweat from his forehead.

    “Such a weird way of training.”

    “Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, no reason to be light with their work-out. It’s good for a Pokémon and its trainers to go against each other and see who can win!” the boy scratched his small amount of facial hair. “I came to the Dragon Village to train against strong Dragons, but I haven’t come across many, so I decided to do our usual routine in the meantime.”

    “So, you’re looking for strong Dragons to battle?” Ryuu smirked while asking.

    “Yes, I’m hoping I’ll finally find something if I go to the village again. I went there a little while ago and I was disappointed in the pickings, wild wise and trainer wise.”

    “Well, the Dragon Village is growing back up.”

    “Meaning?”

    “Many skilled Dragon trainers leave the village at a certain age to start their journeys and only a choice few actually stay here to hone their skills. Wild wise, the Dragon population is on the road to recovery. The wild Dragons need time to raise the numbers.”

    “Oh, that’s a let-down,” Drayden exclaimed as he stretched his arms, “I was really looking forward to finding some strong trainers and Dragons here, guess I’m not gonna get that.”

    Ryuu hunched his shoulders, choosing not to answer as the two continued their trek toward the village. Ryuu’s gaze intercepted Fraxure’s Poké Ball which Drayden was wiping with his shirt.

    “So, your Fraxure is strong? I’ve never encountered a member of that line.”

    “Yeah, I got him in Unova.”

    “You’re from Unova? We don’t see too many Unovans here.”

    “Unova is my home region.” Drayden answered while the two continued their advance. “Opelucid to be specific, ‘time’s dividing line’ as many would sometimes call it. A city that respects history and values old things. Opelucid is simply amazing and I love that place, the legendary Dragons would be proud!” Drayden seeped with the type of enthusiasm that someone who had an intense passion for their home only exuded, something Ryuu could sympathize with as he absorbed the words.

    “Sounds kind of like what I think of the village, my unconditional care toward the Dragons and people of this village is what kept me planted here. I could have gone out on a journey and became a successful trainer by now, but I decided to stick to this place.”

    “So, you could have become a successful trainer? I thought you were merely a doctor?”

    “No, no, no. Drayden, I’m quite the battler if I do say so myself. I’m actually one of the best around these parts. Working alongside Dragons in medical settings and battling situations is my style and forte.”

    “Battle me then when we make it to the village.” Ryuu was taken off-guard, it never occurred to him to battle the kid.

    He was the type to not back down from a battle challenge so he blurted, “Okay, in the village.”

    -:-

    The two didn’t talk much further until they had finally made it to the Village of Dragons. Drayden and Ryuu swaggered into the Dragon Village, upon entry Ryuu was greeted by many different people, almost as if he was an idol. The Unova Region native was surprised at his new companion’s popularity, given his prior goofy behavior was less than something he expected from anything resembling a strong, respected trainer.

    The Dragon Village was like a boisterous town. Many children played, around and about people conversed amongst each other, the Pokémon were as lively as ever. Of course the village houses and homes stuck out as a bit peculiar to Drayden given the more wild style of some, whereas others simply looked like normal houses.

    “Well, this seems about right, don’t you think?” Ryuu put his palm to the ground and pulled a handful of grass from the earth. “Lively area we’ve got here. Since you’re the guest to my village, you may set the terms of the battle.”

    “Let’s make it a three-on-three match then,” Drayden pronounced.

    “Perfectly fine, more than doable,” Drayden and Ryuu took their respective places opposite each other. Some people gathered to watch the somewhat amusing battle take place between the young man and adult. The mood seemed tense as Ryuu sniffed the air and Drayden got psyched for his match. “My first one is this guy!” Ryuu tossed his Poké Ball into the air as a bulky, shelled, gray Pokémon appeared before Drayden.

    “Meet Shelgon,” Ryuu announced, “I’ll be leading with him.” Drayden took a look at the Endurance Pokémon and calmly pieced together a plan and assessed the situation, he readied a Poké Ball.

    ”What do I know about the opponent? I’m battling Ryuu. He’s one of the strongest in the Dragon Village, he’s using a Shelgon and most likely has more Dragons. It's a very defensive Dragon that can take attacks and persevere. With that it would be probably be best if I saved Fraxure for later, so in that case....."

    “Now is the moment of truth, Larvitar!” A green dinosaur-like creature appeared before Shelgon in a white burst of light, glaring down the Endurance Pokémon. The Pokémon kept his stare trained on Shelgon as he scratched his red chest and warmed up for the match.

    “Larvitar? Those are usually native to Johto, seeing one outside of its main region is pretty unlikely, and besides I was expecting to face off against a Dragon-type.”

    “I want to be a Dragon specialist, but at the same time Dragons are rare. It’s unrealistic to have nothing but Dragons.” Drayden explained, Larvitar moved his foot across the dirt like a bull Pokémon making ready to charge. “Larvitar might not be a Dragon-type but the species is draconic so that’s something to consider. He's no weakling.”

    “Well, let’s see if your words are true. Headbutt!”

    “Brace yourself and use Rock Smash!”

    Shelgon rushed Larvitar as the Rock Skin Pokémon pulled back a green fist, the creatures struck each other, engaged in a clash of physical strength. That same strength ripped both Pokémon apart violently. Ryuu decided to go for a more long-range attack this time.

    “Let’s use Flamethrower!” Shelgon spat a flurry of fire at Larvitar who steeled himself for the enviable hit, fortunately for him, Drayden was quick on the fly with a command.

    “Dig!” Larvitar drilled into the ground under him, completely evading the blaze, and appeared from under the earth near Shelgon with a vicious uppercut ready to strike. Drayden figured the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a slower Pokémon like Shelgon.

    “Iron Defense!” Shelgon glowed a silvery hue before taking on a more stoney texture, leaving the attack’s hit doing little more than nothing to Shelgon.

    “Offensive power may be the most popular when it comes to Dragons, but I think Defense gets the job done more efficiently.”

    ”Ryuu’s a defensive battler?" Drayden contemplated, his suspicions being confirmed. “Let’s use Dragon Dance!” Larvitar began to frantically move around in a rather peculiar pattern, the Rock Skin Pokémon notably had an increase in its muscle tone and size.

    “Power-raising move? How straight forward.”

    “Let’s try Stone Edge!” Larvitar jumped into the air as several rocks formed out of thin air around his body, like heat-seeking missiles each rock crashed into the slow Shelgon, who was pushed back by the Rock-type move. Shelgon made a small effort to dodge beforehand but was simply too burly a Pokémon to get away.

    “Not bad,” Ryuu complemented. “You might have done some damage, but we’ll be fine. Iron Defense, once more!”

    “Shellgonnn!” the Pokémon roared as its defensive capabilities were reinforced and strengthened, as evidenced by the more stony appearance of its body.

    “Headbutt!” Ryuu shrieked.

    “Dragon Dance, again! Then Rock Smash!” Larvitar once again raised his speed and offensive strength as he darted toward Shelgon and engaged in contact with the Endurance Pokémon, unlike before, Larvitar was slowly being overpowered and pushed back by the more rough-bodied opponent despite the smaller Pokémon digging in his heels to stay put.

    “You could power-up all you want, I’ll just answer with Iron Defense. Let’s finish it, Flamethrower at close range!” flames emanating from Shelgon's mouth were spat at Larvitar who had no time to get away and took the ferocious energy with bravery.

    “Larvitar, stay strong!”

    “While it is true Rock-types are good at sponging Fire-type moves, I think my Shelgon’s overall strength makes up for that. Send it flying with one powerful burst!”

    Larvitar was blasted away like a ragdoll. The Rock Skin Pokémon fell to a single knee as a blaring cry surfaced from the dinosaur-like Pokémon, having been engulfed in spontaneous flames out of the blue.

    “Burn?” Drayden commented, he knew burns had the effect of slowly chipping away at the opponent every once in awhile. It was having other effects on the Ground-type as a more aggressive expression and barbaric appearance took over the once calmer Pokémon. The creature’s body was bathed in a potent, red aura.

    “Larrrvviiiiiiii!” An ear-splitting roar surely woke-up Ryuu and any bystanders. .

    “Guts?!” Ryuu recognized the ability with ease.

    “It is Guts!” Larvitar seemed to feel rage at the burn inflicted upon him, he emanated a new found jolt of power. Ryuu was bent on not letting Drayden seize the opportunity to use the newly-spawned energy.

    “Shelgon, take it down with Headbutt before it lands an attack!”

    “Dig, quickly!” Larvitar burrowed underground, getting out of harm’s way before resurfacing and bolting toward Shelgon, a single kick sent the Endurance Pokémon rolling like a bowling ball.

    “No!” Ryuu screamed in horror as his rotund Dragon’s defenses were overcome by a simple hit. “Get it together and hit it with Flamethrower!”

    “Stone Edge!”

    Shelgon had stopped rolling by this point and conjured up another burst of flames for Larvitar, who sent a swarm of rocks through the Fire-type move with ease and impacted Shelgon hard, scoring a big hit and surely a large amount of damage in the process. The Endurance Pokémon could only stand for so long before collapsing like a brick house on the ground.

    “Good job, Larvitar.” Drayden exclaimed with a wholehearted smile as the Pokémon crossed his arms in superiority. Ryuu pointed a Poké Ball at Shelgon who was sucked back inside the portable capsule.

    “Amazing, though I had you in the palm of my hand until Guts activated. I won’t underestimate that Larvitar again, so I’ll pull out a big gun!” Drayden then remembered from Ryuu’s words that the battle was far from over, he had two more of Ryuu’s Pokémon to overcome if he truly wanted to call himself the winner.

    “I’ll be sticking with Larvitar, with Guts especially we have a huge chance at beating or seriously denting what comes next!” Drayden remarked.

    “Overconfidence.....” Ryuu replied and pulled out a blue Poké Bal,l two red marks on the top. Pressing a button to enlarge the sphere he shouted, “Come on out.”

    A ton of light exploded from the Poké Ball in an instant, transforming into a towering figure. The tan underbelly of the Pokémon was decorated with trillions of scales, the mostly blue body of the Pokémon swayed back and forth. The humongous serpentine Pokémon roared, more than ready to take on any opponent.

    Drayden couldn’t help but be slightly unnerved by the Atrocious Pokémon, especially since, as if to intimidate him further, the Dragon bared her fangs and solemnly licked its lips. The monstrosity in front of him was a more common Dragon that Drayden easily identified as a Gyarados.

    “You’re in a different ballpark, sure about sticking with Larvitar?” Ryuu taunted, Drayden knew Larvitar had a type disadvantage against the Water and Flying-type Pokémon, but the same could be said of Gyarados against Larvitar’s main Rock typing.

    Though Gyarados had the advantage of being a much larger opponent than Larvitar and fresher compared to the Rock Skin Pokémon who was somewhat tuckered out from the early bout against Shelgon. Drayden knew from his previous battle that Ryuu seemed to favor defense over straight-up power and speed but Gyarados seemed like a contradiction. Though he was gonna test that.

    “Okay, let’s go! Larvi-”

    “Larvi!” A shrill scream erupted from Larvitar as the Pokémon was surrounded by an outburst of fire. That reminded Drayden that he was under a timer when it came to using Larvitar, not only did the burns grant Larvitar serious power but it also ate away at the Pokémon’s health. Each of the burns would leave Larvitar worse for wear and certainly were going to add up.

    “A blessing and a curse isn’t it?” Ryuu threw his two cents in.

    “Use Stone Edge!” Drayden barked, Larvitar ran full-speed and jumped in the air as several powerful rocks formed around him and slammed into Gyarados’s face. The huge Pokémon cried out in pain, that attack only confirmed Drayden’s early notions that Ryuu’s Pokémon were made more for defense than evasion and speed in the way his were.

    Dodging for a large Pokémon like Gyarados would be hard anyway outside of water, she certainly wasn’t going anywhere. Drayden opted for another attack.

    “Stone Edge, again!” Ryuu screeched and pointed toward Gyarados.

    “Hydro Pump!”

    Gyarados blew through the rocks like nothing with a pump of water, the force smashed right into Larvitar who was free falling back to the ground. Larvitar did not get back up after the attack.

    “Things are even, nice job Gyarados.”

    The Rock Skin Pokémon lay on the ground before gaining his bearing and realizing he had lost the battle and hung his head in shame.

    “Don’t worry. You performed well Larvitar and fought courageously.” The boy returned Larvitar to his Poké Ball and Ryuu looked on questionably.

    “What was that about?”

    “Don't worry about that,” Drayden said sharply.

    “I see,” Ryuu analyzed the boy's tone. “Let’s move on.”

    The Unovan muttered to the defeated Pokémon’s ball, “You never felt like you could measure up to to them, this proved that you can.” Drayden pulled out another Poké Ball, this one containing a Dragon.

    “Now is the moment of truth, Druddigon!” Drayden attempted to match Gyarados with his biggest Pokémon, despite that they were nowhere even in size. The Cave Pokémon appeared in all its scale-covered glory and gave a bold menace at Gyarados, realizing his opponent was not something to underestimate. “Druddigon, let’s show Ryuu what strength is! Hit Gyarados with Dragon Rage!”

    “Dragon Rage as well,” Ryuu copied.

    Druddigon’s stomach seemed to take on a transparent hue as he charged and expelled a blast of energy from his mouth likewise the Gyarados who, with little effort, spat a sphere of crimson energy at the Cave Pokémon. Druddigon was quicker on the fly however and much stronger as Gyarados’s move was overpowered and the Atrocious Pokémon was struck.

    “I can tell this is gonna be a wild ride. Gyarados, Hydro Pump!”

    “Quickly Druddigon! Double Team!”

    As a familiar strike of water raced at Druddigon the Cave Pokémon made several copies of himself in time. The Hydro Pump hit one of the clones which caused it to disappear, though the other doppelgangers were actively keeping their eyes on Gyarados.

    “Enough of this! Blizzard!”

    “What?! Jump!” Drayden screamed in surprise.

    A internal-spawned blast of wind cleaned away all the fakes in mere seconds, leaving a small blanket of snow on the ground that melted almost instantly. The real Druddigon had leaped in the air to avoid the super effective move, an eager, somewhat sadistic grin from Gyarados told Drayden that Druddigon’s death warrant had been signed.

    “Finish with Dragon Tail.” The Gyarados’ tail came careening toward Druddigon, blindsiding the Cave Pokémon who smashed into the ground hard. Druddigon’s face looked shell shocked.

    “End this with Blizzard!”

    Gyarados purged another cruel, cold storm at the smaller adversary which not only knocked him out but fully froze the Cave Pokémon in a block of ice. Druddigon could not retaliate, let alone move.

    “Guess that’s it, Gyarados wins again.” Ryuu announced as Drayden returned Druddigon to his Poké Ball, still in awe of the sea serpent’s devastating power, it was going to take Drayden’s strongest to beat that thing. “I hope you realize why I’m one of the strongest villagers around, not to gloat but you’re going to have to come at me full force if you want to win.” Drayden realized it was going to take a fighter that could impose his pure will on Gyarados to win.

    “Gyaarrraa!” The beast roared in satisfaction.

    “What will your last Pokémon be?” Ryuu demanded.

    “My starter!" Drayden answered, "Fraxure, now is the moment of truth!” Drayden shouted his battle cry once more as the Tusk Pokémon appeared in front of the formidable beast. The experience Fraxure gained from training with Drayden since he was a wee Axew was more than enough to take on a Gyarados, Drayden had to remind himself this wasn’t just any Gyarados however.

    “Fraxure, it’s a very strong Pokémon, but any Pokémon is beatable! Don’t hold back, go all out!”

    “Let’s end this quickly with Hydro Pump,” Ryuu hollered.

    “Dodge it!” Fraxure evaded the blast of water in no time flat, a much more agile and faster Dragon than Druddigon was, this was what Gyarados was dealing with now. Drayden waited patiently as another fire of water jetted at Fraxure, his Pokémon could only dodge until Gyarados used a certain move.

    “Dragon Rage!” Ryuu got more conviction in his voice, as the same draconic energy flew at Fraxure who evaded once more. Gyarados was having a harder time nailing the much smaller, speedier target with a long-range attack. Ryuu opted for something a bit more accurate.

    “Dragon Tail!” Ryuu roared.

    “Catch that tail!” Drayden ordered Fraxure who stood his ground and tried to catch the violent tail, although he was successful, he skidded across the ground from the impact as he manhandled the gigantic attack. A stoic expression crossed Drayden’s face. “Counter!”

    Ryuu’s eyes bucked as Fraxure, veins popping, gave the tail a dynamic hurl toward the opposite direction, the Atrocious Pokémon was smacked cleanly in the face by its own tail causing the Gyarados to not only fall to the ground, but shriek in sheer agony. The results were clear to everyone as Ryuu returned the Atrocious Pokémon to her Poké Ball.

    “There’s no point in continuing Gyarados. You did a good job though.”

    “Nice job,” Drayden congratulated the Tusk Pokémon which made him hop up and down in joy like a giddy child. Either way Ryuu had Pokémon in possession with the manpower to put the powerful creature in its place. Fraxure’s confidence level rose slightly from being able to bring such a brute to its knees.

    “Good job Drayden, I have no doubt in my mind that Fraxure is strong. I mean using Counter which sends double the power of a physical attack back at the opponent? ” Ryuu fiddled in his pocket and pulled out a Poké Ball. “I think it’s time to really make you sweat, meet my ace. Dragonair, come on out!”

    Ryuu’s other serpent Pokémon made an appearance, Drayden steeled his demeanor as the Dragon Pokémon gave off a sense of superiority over the other middle-staged Dragon Pokémon in front of him. Fraxure and Drayden knew this was going to be no easy task, nor would it be like the previous battles that just occurred. Fraxure wasn’t fresh after being forced to take a Dragon Tail from Gyarados. It was going to be close so they had to take Dragonair down quick.

    “Start strong, Dual Chop!” Fraxure took off like a bottle rocket toward the serpent with both arms ready, Ryuu didn't order any evasive tactic nor attack, instead letting Dragonair get pummeled by the multi-hit move.

    Drayden simply took this lack of action as a sign of a slowness on Dragonair’s part, given Shelgon and Gyarados’s emphasis on bulk rather than speed, though Dragonair as a species weren’t nearly as slow as Gyarados or Shelgon.

    The elder trainer waved his hand, causing Dragonair to spit a stream of fire at the Tusk Pokémon, who suffered the cost of Drayden’s unawareness.

    “Fraxure!” Drayden cried out as if it was going to make a difference.

    “Speaking isn’t the only way to command a Pokémon. Some more advanced and experienced trainers will opt to use hand signals to command a Pokémon, there are even strong trainers who can connect with their Pokémon mentally and order attacks in that way.”

    Drayden was less than stellar at being lectured, but he knew in Ryuu’s words there was some knowledge, he wouldn’t make the mistake again. An idea popped into his head while his Fraxure was still within range of Dragonair.

    “Assurance!” Fraxure hopped near Dragonair’s face and gave him a swift kick to the cheek, the power of the Dark-type move got results as Dragonair cried out in pain. The Tusk Pokémon darted after striking his Dragon brethren. With Fraxure in-range of the serpent, it was practically begging to be attacked though.

    “Thunder,” Ryuu exclaimed as the bolt of lightning made a jagged path toward Fraxure.

    “Evade it!” Fraxure turned his head while running and sidestepped the electricity just in time, Drayden still didn’t understand why Dragonair was remaining stationary, though he was focused on his own Pokémon for the most part.

    “Flamethrower!” A blaze propelled at Fraxure, who instinctively dodged, knowing that’s what his trainer would have wanted, that small action elicited a smile from Drayden. When faced with an opponent like Dragonair speed would be key as well as the agility that Fraxure possessed. Ryuu decided to make Dragonair mobile.

    “Dragonair, go after Fraxure, get close and use Thunder!” The basilisk slithered at Fraxure in a vain attempt to catch him.

    “Dodge it, again!” The Tusk Pokémon somersaulted over the snake-like Dragon with ease. As Fraxure came free falling down Drayden had an idea. “Drop a Dragon Pulse!” Fraxure conjured a sphere of concentrated power and chucked the ball down on Dragonair, a small explosion ensued. “Dual Chop!” two powerful super-effective strikes to the noggin left the serpent howling in pain as Fraxure gracefully landed on the ground in a fancy pose.

    “Job well done Fraxure!” The boy thanked his Pokémon after his success with the continuous doubly strong attacks.

    “Indeed gravity seems to have been your friend in that instance and that was a nice job of linking up super effective attacks.” Ryuu was a good sport, but he knew that if Fraxure kept that up Dragonair was going to be history and that was apparent by the faltering reptile’s breathing pattern. Luckily for him, he had a strategy planned for this exact situation. “Rest!”

    “What?!” is all Drayden could say as he knew that move would undo every bit of damage Fraxure had dealt. The serpent simply closed his eyes and fell into a quick sleep, both males watched as Dragonair’s body seemed to begin its journey on the road to recovery in near microscopic time.

    “You still left yourself wide-open! Fraxure, finish Dragonair!” Fraxure made ready to attack until Ryuu interrupted.

    “That won’t work. Dragonair has an ability called ‘Marvel Scale,’ in times of turmoil within Dragonair's body its instantly ups his defensive capabilities. By turmoil I meant specifically things like status effects. You won’t scratch Dragonair.” Ryuu explained. “It’s a rare ability for a Dragonair to possess, but an amazing one. When Dragonair evolves, he’ll gain an even more rarer ability believe it or not.”

    “I don’t care!” Drayden shouted, Ryuu winced at the desperation that seethed from Drayden. “Dual Chop!” Fraxure was more than happy to comply as he sent both arms into Dragonair’s marvelous body rapidly.

    “See, it doesn’t do anythi-WHAT!” Ryuu watched as Dragonair was dented and bruised by the powerful blows.

    “You said before you’ve never battled a member of the Fraxure line, mine has an ability called ‘Mold Breaker’ meaning it can nullify the abilities of other Pokémon.” Drayden stated, Ryuu simply assumed the words before were pointless noise rather than having any true basis behind them. Ryuu watched as his guardian was beaten to pulp in his healing slumber.

    “Dragon Pulse!” Drayden continued to have the Tusk Pokémon land severe hits. Ryuu could only watch in a sense of forlorn. After a few more brutal moves, reality brought an even more battered Dragonair back into the world.

    Ryuu’s cautious state subsided somewhat, he was surprised to see his infamous ‘Rest + Marvel Scale’ combination fail him. Usually Dragonair was able to recover and wake up and would have regenerated more of his energy than his opponent would have dealt, effectively stalling his opponent out and being able to finish the more worn-out adversary with a few attacks.

    Ryuu had to defeat Fraxure then and there while he was close, he decided to call upon his Dragonair’s strongest move to get the job done.

    “Outrage!” Ryuu wailed, Drayden cringed at the mere mention of the move, knowing its destructive potential. The adolescent glared to his Fraxure as an out-of-control, demonic, red-eyed Dragonair charged the Tusk Pokémon.

    “You have to knock it out with Dual Chop before it lands a hit!” Fraxure got close, a fight of pure close combat began as Fraxure bobbed and weaved between each strike from Dragonair’s tail and smacked his opponent in an attempt to answer each hit he received. Both trainers encouraged their Pokémon as they shouted cheers at the top of their lungs.

    Fraxure fell face first to evade a strong jab from Dragonair’s menacing appendage, the Dragon Pokémon tried for another hit but Fraxure managed to roll out of harm’s way just in time. The Tusk Pokémon delivered one vicious punch to the snake Dragon’s stomach, but he was left wide open from a dazing headbutt in the meantime. Finally, after that hit the battle had reached its climax.

    “It’s over!” They both screamed simultaneously as their Pokémon landed lethal blows on each other. With thunderous swings, the match had been decided as both Pokémon had fallen, Dragonair looking extremely dazed.

    “A tie!” Ryuu said the obvious result aloud. The young adult had to snap himself back into reality as Drayden walked over to Fraxure and congratulated the Pokémon. Drayden enjoyed himself and Ryuu couldn’t believe he had tied against a kid from Unova and his Fraxure, only a strong trainer could give him a run for his money in that way. It was an amazing battle for both sides regardless.

    “You take a break for now, I bet you’re tired, still that was pretty impressive.” Drayden returned him to his Poké Ball, Ryuu did the same with Dragonair. Ryuu turned around to see some people coming over to congratulate him, he then looked around and took notice that the small group of people that were watching his battle had morphed in a sizable crowd. He sighed as Ryuu bashfully accepted the praises of the bystanders.

    “Drayden, that was a great match. You and your Fraxure worked hard and showed just how strong you are, against my Dragonair no-less.”

    “I probably would have lost if I......” Ryuu reworked his sentence, “Fraxure hadn’t brought down Gyarados with Counter.” Drayden sentimentally looked at his Fraxure’s Poké Ball.

    “So, why exactly do you battle besides having a lot of pride in your Dragons?” Ryuu asked the somewhat out-of-nowhere question.

    “I battle with purpose for the sake of development, for me and my Pokémon to be successes.” Drayden couldn’t resist the urge to smile weakly as he and Ryuu walked away. Just then he felt the Poké Ball in his pocket wiggle and wobble, Fraxure independently appeared in front of both guys, holding his knee in pain and slightly teary-eyed.

    “Looks like a minor knee injury, probably from our battle. I got a quick-fix for that though.” Ryuu pulled a leaf out of his pouch and popped it into his mouth, chewing it until it was a green, gooey texture. He bent down and applied the disgusting-looking substance to the Tusk Pokémon’s knee. “There, should be better in no time. I’ve been meaning to try out these plants. They’re herbs for sprains that really benefit scale-covered creatures.”

    “Thank you, Ryuu,” Drayden said as Fraxure climbed onto his back, he carried the injured Pokémon in piggyback style.

    “So, you can baby your Pokémon when you want to? That's pretty caring in itself....” Ryuu grinned, much to Drayden’s embarrassment. “And you’re welcome. Maybe one day you can repay the favor?” The young man said jokingly. The day died down as Ryuu and Drayden went to talk to the crowd of fans that spectated their battle, Drayden was going to be something strong someday and Ryuu could tell. Perhaps even stronger than him one day. The two continued to get congratulatory praise from the crowd.

    “Hey, Drayden, by the way, how old are you?”

    “I’m fifteen right now.”

    “So, back when you were little Poké Balls didn’t exist. Your Fraxure has stuck by your side since?”

    “Since I was young, like you said.”

    “I guess that shows your Fraxure truly loves and respects you, interesting!” Ryuu yawned loudly as he finished his sentence.

    “What are you gonna do now?” Drayden asked.

    “I want to go relax,” The older trainer stated flatly while rubbing his eyes.

    -:-

    A light tap on the shoulder awoke Ryuu from his nap as he looked up to his daughter. He was less on edge about everything, he was a bit sweaty though. His aged eyes stared into his daughter’s as he realized he had to have been asleep for a few hours.

    “Are you feeling better dad?” Mira asked with watered eyes, crying while he was asleep no doubt.

    “I’m fine Mira, just fine. Trust me, Iris will be saved. She’ll be okay,” Ryuu assured Mira as he got up to change into cleaner clothes.

    “Please....” Mira said as she tried to fight more tears.

    “Drayden will come...” Ryuu hugged Mira, not realizing just how wrong he was.

    -:-

    “Huuuuhhuuh,” Iris breathed heavily in the tree, she had done it, she had finally found those vile poachers and was looming near their campsite, Swablu stayed right near her. She spied the truck containing the purloined Dragon Pokémon from a distance. This was it, it now or never. She had to make her move.

    “I promised, I’d rescue you,” she chimed to herself.

    “Swablu,” the Pokémon cooed as he quietly patted Iris in apprehension.

    “No need to worry, I’ll be careful!” Iris gave Swablu an affirming thumbs up as she directed her gaze at the campsite once more.

    Guarding the cage was none other than the poacher from before, Tommy.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 24th February 2013 at 7:52 PM.

  10. #10
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    hey. Challenged to review chapter one.
    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu
    There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.
    First sentence. @the bold, the comma should be a period or semi-colin.
    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning icy storms. These magical creatures specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders
    Capitalized "Type"
    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against other types
    But not here. This happens many times.

    "Dry towel!" Ryuu ordered Iris.

    "Swablublu," the older Swablu pointed to the baby, causing it to giggle. Ryuu had finished ridding it of all water. The Cotton Bird Pokémon awkwardly tried to flap its wings, attempting to emulate the elder Swablu. Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough yet to fly.

    "How cute." Iris admired the baby Pokémon's behavior.

    "Yes a fine, young child. Swablu will be ready to leave in about two weeks." Ryuu announced. "Things like these are sights to behold. You shouldn't ever take simple moments like these for granted."
    I love this. Very good description. Make sure to describe how everything is effected. (Being slightly hypocritical. LOL)
    "Hmph! Don't think that I've given up yet!" the man said with slime in his voice. Iris and the other villagers paid close attention as Baron motioned toward two men standing and guarding the truck. The grunts proceeded to open the cage. The sound of Pokéballs being opened drew in Iris' attention.
    That's the kind of description that is perfect.
    "Daddy! Daddy! I just checked around, Iris is missing!" Mira came running up, completely out of breath.
    @bold, the comma should be either a "comma+and" or a "!".

    I like this story a lot. Good luck with it! And make sure to read my challenge on that game! Don't want to be on PM list.
    Last edited by Chapter of Charizard; 17th January 2013 at 11:41 PM.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

  11. #11
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    Hey there, thanks for reviewing. Not that I dislike this review or anything, but it was extremely, extremely short and I was hoping for an in-depth review. Something that would help improve my own skills by quite a bit, regardless thank you for taking the time to read my story. "Type" is capitalized in those quotes because it's pointing out a specific name and not calling it something like "Fire-type." Thank you for catching the comma error however. Sure I'll add you to the PM list, glad you like it. And, no, that description is pretty lukewarm looking back on it. It's not really anything well done and a bit too wordy and repetitive.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 17th January 2013 at 11:29 PM.

  12. #12
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    I'm here both by request and as part of the Review Game.

    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu View Post

    Chapter 2 Dragon Tails


    “Damn, where?!”

    The firmly built, spacious clinic was in shambles, the man had tossed around various objects in his erratic searching. The item he so desperately pursued, knowing that the guide, as well as the person it would lead to might ultimately end up being Iris’ salvation.
    An interesting opening that drew me in right away. However, there are some issues.

    There should be a period, not a comma, between "shambles" and "the man," thus dividing those parts into two sentences. "The item he so desperately pursued" should be reworded to sound better; I think something like "He desperately pursued the guide, knowing that it, as well as the person it would lead to, might ultimately end up being Iris's salvation."

    A sweaty, headache-consumed Ryuu muttered unintelligible words under his breath as he yanked out a drawer with little force which caused a variety of papers to take flight around him. The frustration the man felt was an intoxicating mixture of anxiety and exhaustion.
    The first sentence here is a bit of a run-on with a lot of thoughts going on at once. It would be well served if you broke it up into smaller portions.

    That said, the second sentence is excellent, not only because it's structured well but also because it gives a great look inside Ryuu's mind at this point.

    He thought back several times to the day’s incident and replayed the same thing in his head, the poachers were ruthless to say the least.

    “I found the map!” Mira yelled, much to the surprise of Ryuu, his daughter handed him the raggedy paper. Hastily grabbing a Poké Ball, he enlarged and tossed it, a bang of energy flooded from the capsule and Dragonite appeared. Ryuu held out the map.
    I think one thing you could learn to do a little better is using commas wisely. Allow me to rewrite this quote:

    "He thought back several times to the day's incident and replayed the same thing in his head. The poachers were ruthless to say the least.

    "I found the map!" Mira yelled, much to the surprise of Ryuu. His daughter handed him the raggedy paper, and he hastily grabbed a Poké Ball. After he enlarged and tossed it, a bang of energy flooded from the capsule and Dragonite appeared. Ryuu held out the map."

    Don't you think that sounds quite a bit better?

    “This is the Unova Region, find this person in this place.” Ryuu showed the map as well as a picture to the fully-grown Pokémon. The Dragon analyzed the two illustrations for a few more minutes as Ryuu did his best to explain their current situation to him in a rushed but understandable manner.
    I find this quote to be a little difficult to understand because of the wording, but I'm not sure entirely what advice to give you on this specific one. I like what I think it means, but I really believe that it would be better to be more specific.

    “Is this really the best way?” Mira asked half-heartedly.

    “A Dragonite’s intelligence can match or exceed that of a human’s and Dragonite in-general are known for having exceptional speed.” Ryuu proclaimed as Dragonite bolted toward the door and took flight, flying what seemed to be so fast that his speed could reduce a jet to an envious mess.
    Now this, on the other hand, is really cool. Just change the period after "speed" to a comma and add "at" between "flying" and "what."

    Having done everything he could to help Iris at this point, Ryuu had no choice but to leave it up to faith from this point on. The man took a seat on the couch sitting near the commons area, his head throbbed with pain from his headache. He felt mentally and physically drained from the day and it was no secret to Mira there was a gray cloud of guilt, frustration, worry, and depression that hung overhead.

    How was Iris doing? What was she doing? Was she hungry, scared, tired? Had she found the poachers? Had the poachers found her?

    Scanning the photograph he had shown to Dragonite, it detailed a person who reminded him of Iris in a way. The personality of a dreamer no doubt.

    “I have to rely on him for help.” The respected man closed his eyes and relaxed for a few seconds, which gradually morphed into minutes. He felt nostalgic as he closed his eyes and dropped into a much-needed slumber.
    So many things I like here. The description of Ryuu's emotions and thoughts is quite vivid, making it easy for the reader to relate to him. His relationship with Iris is conveyed to a satisfactory level as well, even as she isn't present currently. (I should mention that he has a good, well-written relationship with Mira as well, judging from what we've seen so far.) The tension going through his mind is conveyed quite well, so I'm definitely on the level of feeling his worry over Iris, for example.

    It was sultry with the sun beaming in the clear, azure sky overhead. The great weather was something the sprawling Dragon Village was blessed with often. It gave a nice sense of peace to the once torn village that was sometimes called, “Dragon Hell” for its past.
    You can drop that comma after "called," but wow, that was a nice dose of beautiful description right there. The little bit about "Dragon Hell" was a nice touch.

    A youthful man breathed calmly as a breeze of air swept through his hair blond-hair, the lively guy wore his usual poker face in the heat of a challenge, height wise he was average compared to other Dragon Village fellows.
    Probably should fix that "hair blond-hair" thing. Just needs to be "blonde hair."

    Before him was a mostly blue-bodied, elegant serpent with two angelic wings in place of ears and a plain white underbelly. The majestic being did nothing but sleep peacefully in the midst of battle, probably the most appealing thing about the creature were the crystal, cerulean orbs on his tail and neck, the latter having one while the former being dual orbed. The miniscule non- threatening horn that jutted out of his head didn’t seem very lethal.
    I get what you're describing here - Dragonair - but the way the description is being delivered is a bit awkward. Some of these details don't really need to be mentioned at all. Either that, or they could be folded into later descriptions of Dragonair's actions so it doesn't feel like a text dump.

    Opposite the duo were an older man who was distinguished by his auburn hair and a lizard that seemed to possess a flame for a tail tip. The fire creature wobbled as it became clear its dark-red body was littered with several bruises that told the tale of a harsh battle that was going to end soon, but before that the trainer decided to give one last futile command.

    “Flamethrower!” The Flame Pokémon took a deep breath and showered the Dragonair in a hot power that completely enveloped him. As the flames died down they revealed Dragonair wasn’t shaken in the slightest.

    The Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned, his trainer flicked his hand carelessly. A charge of lightning sent the Charmeleon flying twenty feet away, almost as if it was an insignificant little pest being swatted. Much to the surprise of no one the Fire-type did not stand up.

    “You make it look easy.” The other trainer said while returning the knocked-out Charmeleon to its Poké Ball and grunting in slight frustration.

    “Thanks,” Ryuu patted Dragonair on his head in gratitude.
    That battle was pretty decently written (despite continuing comma problems, such as in "the Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned, his trainer flicked his hand carelessly," where that comma in the middle has to go) and it provides a potentially curious way of telling the story. Depends on who the person Ryuu is battling against is.

    “I actually thought that battling against you would push Charmeleon toward evolution. It was an interesting battle at least,” the trainers exchanged handshakes before parting ways.
    That that claim is the last thing this guy tells Ryuu before leaving is very interesting; I'm certainly curious to know who it is and what his deal is. Good job getting me drawn into interest in him.

    “Let’s battle again soon,” Ryuu returned Dragonair to his Poké Ball as he stared up at the sky and took notice to the flock of bird Pokémon that flew overhead. The day was as lively as always and the unchanging aura of the village was something he was accustomed to.

    He would wake-up, eat, and train, sometimes finding trainers to face off against. Time would be spent researching different plants a lot of the time, as a striving self-proclaimed “Dragon Doctor” he would often experiment with many different herbs.

    Today was no exception, he spent the day examining various greenery, only taking a break to battle a passerby. While searching none of the plants gained his interest thus he looked a bit harder.
    I'm a sucker for detailed looks at the day-to-day lives of characters, so this is right up my alley. You aren't using many words here, but the words you are using are very effective, so I can still see everything quite clearly. Ryuu's day-to-day routine feels familiar to me based just on this passage.

    One tip: "While searching, none of the plants gained his interest, so he looked a bit harder" would sound and look better.

    The man took a detour around his usual spot and winded up near a clearing after a quarter of a hour. Nothing stood out about the place, it was an usual natural area.
    Just a little reminder that's very easy to forget: "an usual" is actually incorrect, it should be "a usual." This is because "usual" has a Y sound when it is pronounced.

    As he spent the better half of an hour examining the place he came upon something peculiar. In the distance he made out two figures rolling around together on the ground, seemingly fighting. He moved in closer to get an earful of what they were saying.

    “Grrrrrr!” A maturing male voice growled, the brown-grayish haired child had the creature in a headlock. His plain white t-shirt had been slightly ripped from the bout which showed off his pale skin that eluded the sun’s tanning rays. It wasn’t hard to tell that the boy worked out daily as he was decently built for his size and was contending against a wild Pokémon.

    “Fraxure!” The reptilian, dark-greenish Pokémon with tusks that seemed nearly as long as a yardstick tried to shake free of the boy’s grip as he flailed around. The human adversary drew back his fist and made ready to send it into Fraxure’s red-speckled gut, but the Pokémon threw the boy off of him in the nick of time. The Dragon-type took the opportunity to put a licking on his opponent, but the boy evaded the kicks and punches that were thrown his way.

    Fraxure smirked as he sneakingly swiped his left foot near the boy’s leg, causing him to momentarily lose his balance. This was enough for the Fraxure to force all his weight on the adolescent and keep him firmly planted to forest floor. Fraxure had a desperate look in his eyes as it made ready to pound the young man before Ryuu pulled out a Poké Ball and strided over with a yell.
    Another interesting character, this boy. I notice some similarities to Drayden; could that be significant?

    “****! Stop!”

    Fraxure and the kid both looked over toward Ryuu, taken off guard by the sharp scream.

    “Dragona-” Ryuu made ready to release his Dragon starter, once more, before he clumsily fell to the ground in his haste, dropping the Poké Ball as well.

    “Holy ****, are you okay?” The boy and Fraxure both bolted over to a disoriented Ryuu lying on the ground.The Tusk Pokémon helped the man back up to his feet as he coughed in slight pain. Ryuu straightforwardly asked though.

    “Why were you fighting?!”

    “That was training.”

    “What the fuc....” Ryuu didn’t finish his sentence, slightly embarrassed at the huge brouhaha he had made over supposed training.
    An amusing exchange. I already like how these two interact.

    “We wrestle in order to train with each other, that’s how it’s always been. People usually think we’re fighting seriously though. I’m Drayden by the way and this is my Fraxure.”
    Ah, so it is Drayden. I had suspected that this was a flashback already, so I suppose this confirms that too. Ought to be interesting to see how Drayden was when he was younger.

    “You mean like those right there,” Drayden pointed to a nearby tree, Ryuu took notice to the unfamiliar accent of the boy.
    The commas are pretty major here. Let me rebuild the line:

    "You mean like those right there," Drayden said as he pointed to a nearby tree. Ryuu took notice to the unfamiliar accent of the boy."

    I also wonder why Ryuu's mental narration is pointing out Drayden's accent here of all places?

    “Exactly,” the striving Dragon medic became somewhat elated, still visually embarrassed though, as he immediately walked over and picked a few pieces of the greenery and stored it in his pocket.

    “You’re a medic and know this place, so you live in the Dragon Village?” Drayden guessed from Ryuu’s slight accent.

    “Yes, I do indeed.”

    “Good we can go together,” he tagged alongside the fellow, walking with purpose toward the village.
    I'm liking the budding friendship that's already developing between Ryuu and Drayden. That's something you're doing right very often: making your characters have enjoyable, pleasant personalities and interactions.

    “So, do you always ‘train’ with your Fraxure like that?”

    “Fraxure is my starter, what better way than to toughen him up?” Drayden said affectionately as he wiped a small amount of sweat from his forehead.

    “Such a weird way of training.”

    “Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, no reason to be lite with their work-out. It’s good for a Pokémon and its trainers to go against each other and see who can win.” The boy scratched his small amount of facial hair. “I came to the Dragon Village to train against strong Dragons, but I haven’t come across many, so I decided to do our usual routine in the meantime.”

    “So, you’re looking for strong Dragons to battle?” Ryuu smirked while asking.

    “Yes, I’m hoping I’ll finally find something if I go to the village again. I went there a little while ago and I was disappointed in the pickings, wild wise and trainer wise.”
    Repeating what I said above, I just love how Ryuu and Drayden are getting along.

    “Well, the Dragon Village is growing back up.”

    “Meaning?”

    “Many skilled Dragon trainers leave the village at a certain age to start their journeys and only a choice few actually stay here to hone their skills. Wild wise, the Dragon population is on the road to recovery. The wild Dragons need time to ‘raise the numbers.’”
    Now this raises a curious point in my mind. What exactly happened to cause the wild dragon population to decrease? That's something I want to know more about.

    Also, the idea of the village having population issues because so many people leave to start their journeys is an interesting idea. I'd like to see it expanded upon.

    “Oh, that’s a let-down,” Drayden exclaimed as he stretched his arms, “I was really looking forward to finding some strong trainers and Dragons here, guess I’m not gonna get that.”

    Ryuu hunched his shoulders, choosing not to answer as the two continued their trek toward the village. Ryuu’s gaze intercepted Fraxure’s Poké Ball which Drayden was wiping with his shirt.

    “So, your Fraxure is strong? I’ve never encountered a member of that line.”

    “Yeah, I got him in Unova.”

    “You’re from Unova? We don’t see too many Unovans here.”
    Oh, that's right, the Village of Dragons is outside Unova. I often forget that.

    “Unova is my home region.” Drayden answered while the two continued their advance. “Opelucid to be specific, ‘time’s dividing line’ as many would sometimes call it. A city that respects history and values old things. Opelucid is simply amazing and I love that place, the legendary Dragons would be proud.” Drayden seeped with the type of enthusiasm that someone who had an intense passion for their home only exuded, something Ryuu could sympathize with as he absorbed the words.

    “Sounds kind of like what I think of the village, my unconditional care toward the Dragons and people of this village is what kept me planted here. I could have gone out on a journey and became a successful trainer by now, but I decided to stick to this place.”
    I honestly cannot say enough about how much I like the relationship between Ryuu and Drayden. It just feels so natural, like a real friendship.

    “So, you could have become a successful trainer? I thought you were merely a doctor?”

    “No, no, no. Drayden, my boy, I’m quite the battler if I do say so myself. I’m actually one of the best around these parts. Working alongside Dragons in medical and battling situations is my style and forte.” A leer appeared on Drayden’s face.

    “Battle me then when we make it to the village.” Ryuu was taken off-guard, it never occurred to him to battle the kid. He was the type to not back down from a battle challenge so he blurted, “Okay, in the village.”
    I knew there would be a battle challenge in there somewhere.

    The two didn’t talk much further until they had finally made it the “Village of Dragons.” Drayden and Ryuu swaggered into the Dragon Village, upon entry Ryuu was greeted by many different people, almost as if he was an idol. The Unova Region native was surprised at his new companion’s popularity, given his prior goofy behavior was less than something he expected from anything resembling a strong, respected trainer.
    Made it to the Village of Dragons.

    The adoration he receives adds an interesting dimension to Ryuu's character. He is very humble for someone who has such popularity.

    Most of the Dragon Village was, for the most part, like a boisterous town. Many children played around and people conversed and talked amongst each other, the Pokémon were as lively as ever and seemed joyful. Of course the village houses and homes stuck out as a bit peculiar to Drayden given the more wild style of some, whereas others simply looked like normal houses.

    “Well, this seems about right, don’t you think?” Ryuu put his palm to the ground and pulled a handful of grass from the earth. “Lively area we’ve got here. Since you’re the guest to my village, you may set the terms of the battle.”

    “Let’s make it a three-on-three match then,” Drayden concurred.
    What exactly is Drayden concurring with? I'm a little confused there.

    Liked the bit with the grass, though.

    ”What do I know about the opponent? I’m battling Ryuu. He’s one of the strongest in the Dragon Village, he’s using a Shelgon and most likely has more Dragons. Its a very defensive Dragon that can take attacks and persevere. With that it would be probably be best if I saved Fraxure for later, so in that case.
    "Its" should be "It's" and the ending should have ellipses ("case...") and then close the quotes that started the line.

    “Now is the moment of truth, Larvitar!” A green dinosaur-like creature appeared before Shelgon in a white burst of light, glaring down the Endurance Pokémon. The Pokémon kept his stare trained on Shelgon as he scratched his red chest and warmed up for the match. The intense, looked-to-be scarred, red eyes of the Rock Skin Pokémon met the Dragon’s when it made eye contact as well.
    You could probably drop or at least reword the "looked-to-be-scarred" part, because it's too wordy.

    “Larvitar? Those are usually native to Johto, seeing one outside of its main region is pretty unlikely and besides I was expecting to face off against a Dragon-type.”

    “I want to be a Dragon specialist, but at the same time Dragons are rare. It’s unrealistic to have nothing but Dragons.” Drayden explained, Larvitar moved his foot across the dirt like a bull Pokémon making ready to charge. “Larvitar might not be a Dragon-type, but the species is Draconic so that’s something to consider. He’s no slouch.”
    Some interesting philosophy on Drayden's part. It'll be interesting to see how he acts when he reunites with Ryuu in the present.

    “Well, let’s see if your words are true. Headbutt!”

    “Brace yourself and use Rock Smash!”

    Shelgon rushed Larvitar as the Rock Skin Pokémon pulled back a green fist, the creatures struck each other, engaged in a clash of physical strength. That same strength pushed both Pokémon apart violently. Ryuu decided to go for a more long-range attack this time.
    "...pulled back a green fist, and the creatures struck each other, engaged in a clash of physical strength."

    “Let’s use Flamethrower!” Shelgon spat a flurry of fire at Larvitar who steeled himself for the enviable hit, fortunately for him Drayden was quick on the fly with a command.

    “Dig!” Larvitar drilled into the ground under him, completely evading the blaze, and appeared from under the earth near Shelgon with a vicious uppercut ready to strike. Figuring the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a more slower Pokémon like Shelgon.
    Who is figuring that the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a slower Pokemon like Shelgon?

    Also, you can drop "more" from "more slower."

    “Iron Defense!” Shelgon glowed a silvery hue before taking on a more stoney texture, leaving the attack’s hit doing little more than nothing to Shelgon.

    “Offensive power may be the most popular when it comes to Dragons, but I think Defense gets the job done more efficiently.”

    ”Ryuu’s a defensive battler? Hm...... Drayden contemplated. “Let’s use Dragon Dance!” Larvitar began to frantically move around in a rather orphic fashion, the Rock Skin Pokémon notably had an increase in its muscle tone and size.
    I don't understand what a "rather orphic fashion" is. Can you explain, please?

    “Power-raising move? How straight forward.”

    “Let’s try Stone Edge!” Larvitar jumped into the air as several rocks formed out of thin air around his body, like heat-seeking missiles each rock crashed into the more slower Shelgon, who was pushed back by the boosted Rock-type move. Shelgon made a small effort to dodge beforehand but was simply too burly a Pokémon to get away.
    Again, drop "more" from "more slower." Words such as "slower" do not need "more" added to them because they already communicate its meaning by default.

    “Not bad,” Ryuu complemented. “You might have done some damage, but we’ll be fine. Iron Defense, once more!”

    “Shellgonnn!” the Pokémon roared as its defensive capabilities were reinforced and strengthened.

    “Headbutt!” Ryuu shrieked.

    “Dragon Dance, again! Then Rock Smash!” Larvitar once again raised his speed and offensive strength as he darted toward Shelgon and engaged in contact with the Endurance Pokémon, unlike before, Larvitar was slowly being overpowered and pushed back by the more rough-bodied opponent despite the smaller Pokémon digging in his heels to stay put.

    “You could boost your attacking power all you want, I’ll just answer with Iron Defense. Let’s finish it, Flamethrower at close range!” A feisty element was spat at Larvitar who had no time to get away and took the ferocious energy with bravery.
    "A feisty element" is certainly a different way to describe fire.

    “Larvitar, stay strong!”

    “While it is true Rock-types are good at sponging Fire-type moves, I think my Shelgon’s overall strength makes up for that. Send it flying with one powerful burst!”

    What happened next was something Drayden didn’t see coming, Larvitar was blasted away like a ragdoll. The Rock Skin Pokémon fell to a single knee as a blaring cry surfaced from the dinosaur-like Pokémon, the Rock-type had been engulfed in spontaneous flames out of the blue.

    “Burn?” Drayden commented, he knew burns had the effect of slowly chipping away at the opponent every once in awhile. The burn was having other effects on the Ground-type as the more aggressive expression and barbaric appearance took over the once calmer Pokémon. The creature’s body seemed surrounded by a potent, red aura.
    Something about these lines feels a little off, but I can't think of precisely how it should be worded.

    “Larrrvviiiiiiii!” An ear-splitting roar surely woke-up Ryuu and any bystanders. .

    “Guts?!” Ryuu recognized the ability with ease.

    “It is Guts!” Drayden knew the powerful ability that his Larvitar possessed, the killer ability that sharply upped his power whenever he was affected by a status move, like a burn for example. Ryuu was bent on not letting Drayden seize the opportunity to use the newly-spawned power.

    “Shelgon, take it down with Headbutt before it lands an attack!”

    “Dig, quickly!” Larvitar burrowed underground, getting out of harm’s way before resurfacing and bolting toward Shelgon, a single demeaning kick sent the Endurance Pokémon rolling like a bowling ball.
    That was a good bit of action, though I'm not sure how the kick was "demeaning."

    “No!” Ryuu screamed in horror as his rotund Dragon’s defenses were overcome by a simple hit.
    “Get it together and hit it with Flamethrower!”

    “Stone Edge!”

    Shelgon had stopped rolling by this point and conjured up another burst of flames for Larvitar, who sent a swarm of rocks through the Fire-type move with ease and impacted Shelgon hard, scoring a big hit and surely a large amount of damage in the process. The Endurance Pokémon could only stand for so long before collapsing like a brick house on the ground.

    “Good job, Larvitar.” Drayden exclaimed with a whole hearted smile as the Pokémon crossed his arms in superiority. Ryuu pointed a Poké Ball at Shelgon who was sucked back inside the portable capsule.

    “Amazing, though I had you in the palm of my hand until Guts activated. I won’t underestimate that Larvitar again, so I’ll pull out a big gun.” Drayden then remembered from Ryuu’s words that the battle was far from over, he had two more of Ryuu’s Pokémon to overcome if he truly wanted to call himself the winner.

    “I’ll be sticking with Larvitar, with Guts especially we have a huge chance at beating or seriously denting what comes next.” Drayden remarked.

    “Overconfidence will bite you in the ***.” Ryuu replied and pulled out a blue Poké Ball two red marks on the top, pressing a button to enlarge the sphere he shouted, “Come on out.”

    A ton of light exploded from the Poké Ball in an instant, transforming into a towering figure. The tan underbelly of the Pokémon was decorated with trillions of scales, the mostly blue body of the Pokémon swayed back and forth. The humongous serpentine Pokémon roared, more than ready to take on any opponent.

    Drayden couldn’t help but be slightly unnerved by the Atrocious Pokémon, especially since, as if to intimidate him further, the Dragon bared her fangs and solemnly licked her lips. The monstrosity in front of him was a more common Dragon that Drayden easily identified as a Gyarados.
    Good, good. This part is working well. Their interactions continue to be entertaining.

    “You’re in a different ballpark, sure about sticking with Larvitar?” Ryuu taunted, Drayden knew Larvitar had a type disadvantage against the Water and Flying-type Pokémon, but the same could be said of Gyarados against Larvitar’s main Rock typing.

    Though Gyarados had the advantage of being a much larger opponent than Larvitar and fresher compared to the Rock Skin Pokémon who was somewhat tuckered out from the early bout against Shelgon. Drayden knew from his previous battle that Ryuu seemed to favor defense over straight-up power and speed, Gyarados seemed like a contradictory. Though he was gonna test that.
    There needs to be a "but" between "speed" and "Gyarados" instead of a comma.

    “Okay, let’s go! Larvi-”

    “Larvi!” A shrill scream erupted from Larvitar as the Pokémon was surrounded by an outburst of fire. That reminded Drayden that he was under a timer when it came to using Larvitar, not only did the burns grant Larvitar serious power but it also ate away at the Pokémon’s health. Each of the burns would leave Larvitar worse for wear and certainly were going to add up.

    “A blessing and a curse isn’t it?” Ryuu threw his two cent in.
    "two cents."

    That's a really great line on Ryuu's part, though.

    “Use Stone Edge!” Drayden barked, Larvitar ran full-speed and jumped in the air as several powerful rocks formed around him and slammed into Gyarados’s face. The huge Pokémon cried out in pain, that attack only confirmed Drayden’s early notions that Ryuu’s Pokémon were made more for defense than evasion and speed in the way his were.

    Dodging for a larger Pokémon like Gyarados would be hard anyway outside of water, she certainly wasn’t going anywhere. Drayden opted for another attack.

    “Stone Edge, again!” Ryuu screeched and pointed toward Gyarados.

    “Hydro Pump!”

    Gyarados blew through the rocks like nothing with a pump of water this time, the force smashed right into Larvitar who was free falling back to the ground. Larvitar did not get back up after the attack.

    “Things are even, nice job Gyarados.”
    Well, that went as expected. I didn't think Larvitar would be able to put up that much of a fight.

    The Rock Skin Pokémon lied on the ground before gaining his bearing and realizing he had lost the battle. The small green dinosaur hit his fist to the ground in frustration and muttered a whiny noise, it was obvious how much the defeat had shaken the Rock-type. Drayden was quick to comfort the Pokémon.

    “Don’t worry. You performed well Larvitar, you fought courageously.” The boy returned Larvitar to his Poké Ball, Ryuu looked on questionably.
    Add an "and" between "Ball," and "Ryuu."

    “What was that about?”

    “Larvitar’s just like that about battling, he’s really passionate when it comes to them.”
    Nice touch.

    “I see,” Ryuu analyzed what Drayden said. “Let’s move on.”

    The Unovan muttered to the defeated Pokémon’s ball. “You never felt like you could measure up to Dragon Pokémon, this proved that you can.” Drayden pulled out another Poké Ball, this one containing a Dragon.
    Comma after "ball."

    “Now is the moment of truth, Druddigon!” Drayden attempted to match Gyarados with his biggest Pokémon, despite that they were were nowhere even in size. The Cave Pokémon appeared in all its scaley glory and gave a bold menace at Gyarados, realizing his opponent was not something to underestimate. “Druddigon, let’s show Ryuu what strength is! Hit Gyarados with Dragon Rage!”

    “Dragon Rage as well.” Ryuu copied.

    Druddigon’s stomach seemed to take on a transparent hue as he charged and expelled a blast of energy from her mouth likewise the Gyarados who, with little effort, spat a sphere of crimson energy at the Cave Pokémon. Druddigon was quicker on the fly however and much stronger as Gyarados’s move was overpowered and the Atrocious Pokémon was struck.
    Isn't Dragon Rage usually always the same strength?

    “I can tell this is gonna be a wild ride. Gyarados, Hydro Pump!”

    “Quickly Druddigon! Double Team!”

    As a familiar strike of water raced at Druddigon, the Cave Pokémon made several copies of himself in time. The Hydro Pump hit one of the clones which caused it to disappear, though the other doppelgangers were actively keeping their eyes on Gyarados.

    “Enough of this! Blizzard!”

    “What?! Jump!” Drayden screamed in surprise.

    A internal-spawned blast of wind cleaned away all the fakes in mere seconds, leaving a small blanket of snow on the ground that melted almost instantly. The real Druddigon had leaped in the air to avoid the super effective move, an eager, somewhat sadistic grin from Gyarados told Drayden that Druddigon’s death warrant had been signed.

    “Finish with Dragon Tail.” The Gyarados’ tail came careening toward Druddigon, blindsiding the Cave Pokémon who smashed into the ground hard. Druddigon’s face looked shell shocked.

    “End this with Blizzard!”

    Gyarados purged another cruel cold, storm at the smaller adversary which not only knocked him out but fully froze the Cave Pokémon in a block of ice. Druddigon could not retaliate, let alone move.
    That was a good shot of action. I could visualize it well.

    “Dodge it!” Fraxure evaded the blast of water in no time flat, a much more agile and faster Dragon than Druddigon was, this is what Gyarados was dealing with now. Drayden waited patiently as another fire of water jetted at Fraxure, his Pokémon could only dodge until Gyarados used a certain move.
    "this was what Gyarados was dealing with now." "is" communicates the wrong tense.

    “Dragon Rage!” Ryuu got more conviction in his voice, as the same draconic energy barrowled at Fraxure who evaded once more. Gyarados was having a harder time nailing the much smaller, speedier target with a long-range attack. Ryuu opted for something a bit more accurate.

    “Dragon Tail!” Ryuu gasped in frustration.

    “Catch that tail!” Drayden ordered Fraxure who stood his ground and tried to catch the violent tail, although he was successful, he skidded across the ground from the impact as he manhandled the gigantic attack. A stoic expression crossed Drayden’s face. “Counter!”

    Ryuu’s eyes bulged as Fraxure, veins popping, gave the tail a dynamic hurl toward the opposite direction, the Atrocious Pokémon was smacked cleanly in the face by its own tail causing the Gyarados to not only fall to the ground, but shriek in sheer agony. The results were clear to everyone as Ryuu returned the Atrocious Pokémon to her Poké Ball.

    “There’s no point in continuing Gyarados, you did a good job though.”
    That was pretty surprising.

    “Nice job,” Drayden congratulated the Tusk Pokémon which made him hop up and down in joy. Either way Ryuu had Pokémon in possession with the manpower to put the powerful creature in its place. Fraxure’s confidence level rose slightly from being able to bring such a brute to its knees.

    “Good job Drayden, I have no doubt in my mind that that Fraxure is strong. I mean using Counter which sends double the power of a physical attack back at the opponent? ” Ryuu fiddled in his pocket and pulled out a Poké Ball. “I think it’s time to really make you sweat, meet my ace. Dragonair, come on out!”

    Ryuu’s other serpent Pokémon made an appearance, Drayden steeled his demeanor as the Dragon Pokémon gave off a superior aura over the other middle-staged Dragon Pokémon in front of him. Fraxure and Drayden knew this was going to be no easy task, nor would it be like the previous very battles that just occurred. Fraxure wasn’t fresh after being forced to take a Dragon Tail from Gyarados. It was going to be close, so they had to take Dragonair down quick.
    Just go with "previous battles." "Very" isn't needed.

    “Start strong, Dual Chop!” Fraxure took off like a bottle rocket toward the serpent with both arms ready, Ryuu didn’t order any evasive tactic nor attack, instead letting Dragonair get pummeled by the multi-hit move.

    Drayden simply took this lack of action as a sign of a slowness on Dragonair’s part given Shelgon and Gyarados’s emphasis on bulk rather than speed. Though Dragonair as a species weren’t nearly as slow as Gyarados or Shelgon.
    Comma between "speed" and "though."

    The elder trainer waved his hand, causing Dragonair to spit a stream of fire at the Tusk Pokémon, who suffered the cost of Drayden’s unawareness.

    “Oh, crap! Fraxure!” Drayden cried out as if it was going to make a difference.

    “Speaking isn’t the only way to command a Pokémon. Some more advanced and experienced trainers will opt to use hand signals to command a Pokémon, there are even strong trainers who can connect with their Pokémon mentally and order attacks in that way.”

    Drayden was less than stellar at being lectured, but he knew in Ryuu’s words there was some knowledge, he wouldn’t make the mistake again. An idea popped into his head while his Fraxure was still within range of Dragonair.

    “Assurance!” Fraxure hopped near Dragonair’s face and gave him a swift kick to the cheek, the doubled power of the Dark-type move got results as Dragonair cried out in pain. The Tusk Pokémon bailed after striking his Dragon brethren. With Fraxure in-range of the serpent, it was practically begging to be attacked though.
    Ooh, good move there. Assurance was something I didn't expect.

    “Thunder,” Ryuu exclaimed as the bolt of lightning made a jagged path toward Fraxure.

    “Evade it!” Fraxure turned his head while running and sidestepped the electricity just in time, Drayden still didn’t understand why Dragonair was remaining stationary, though he was focused on his own Pokémon for the most part.

    “Flamethrower!” A blaze propelled at Fraxure, who instinctively dodged, knowing that’s what his trainer would have wanted, that small action elicited a smile from Drayden. When faced with an opponent like Dragonair speed would be key as well as the agility that Fraxure possessed. Ryuu decided to make Dragonair mobile.

    “Dragonair, go after Fraxure, get close and use Thunder!” The basilisk slithered at Fraxure in a vain attempt to catch him.
    I like the variety of moves Dragonair has.

    “Dodge it, again!” The Tusk Pokémon somersaulted over the snake-like Dragon with ease. As Fraxure came freefalling down Drayden had an idea. “Drop a Dragon Pulse!” Fraxure conjured a sphere of concentrated power and chucked the ball down on Dragonair, a small explosion ensued. “Dual Chop!” two powerful super-effective strikes to the noggin left the serpent howling in pain as Fraxure gracefully landed on the ground in a fancy pose.

    “Job well done Fraxure!” The boy thanked his Pokémon after his success with the continuous super-effective attacks.

    “Indeed gravity seems to have been your friend in that instance and that was a nice job of linking up super effective attacks.” Ryuu was a good sport, but he knew that if Fraxure kept that up Dragonair was going to be history and that was apparent by the faltering reptile’s breathing pattern. Luckily for him, he had a strategy planned for this exact situation.

    “Rest!”

    “What?!” Is all Drayden could say as he knew that move would undo every bit of damage Fraxure had dealt. The serpent simply closed his eyes and fell into a quick sleep, both males watched as Dragonair’s body seemed to begin its journey on the road to recovery in near microscopic time.
    The "is" on the last line should be lower-case, as it's still continuing the sentence that began with the quote.

    “You still left yourself wide-open! Fraxure finish Dragonair!” Fraxure made ready to attack until Ryuu interrupted.
    There needs to be a comma after "Fraxure" and before "finish."

    “That won’t work. Dragonair has an ability called ‘Marvel Scale,’ which ups the defensive capabilities of a Pokémon when under a status effect, like Sleep. You won’t scratch Dragonair.” Ryuu explained. “It’s a rare ability for a Dragonair to possess, but an amazing one. When Dragonair evolves, he’ll gain an even more rarer ability, believe it or not.”

    “I don’t care!” Drayden shouted, Ryuu winced at the desperation that seethed from Drayden. “Dual Chop!” Fraxure was more than happy to comply as he sent both arms into Dragonair’s marvelous body rapidly.

    “See, it doesn’t do anythi-WHAT!” Ryuu watched as Dragonair was dented and bruised by the powerful blows.

    “You said before you’ve never battled a member of the Fraxure line, mine has an ability called ‘Mold Breaker’ meaning it can nullify the abilities of other Pokémon.” Drayden stated, Ryuu simply assumed the words before were pointless noise rather than having any true basis behind them. Ryuu watched as his guardian was beaten to pulp in his healing slumber.
    You definitely did your research. Excellent work with the abilities.

    “Dragon Pulse!” Drayden continued to have the Tusk Pokémon land severe hits. Ryuu could only watch in a sense of forlorn. After a few more brutal moves, reality brought an even more battered Dragonair back into the world.

    Ryuu’s cautious state subsided somewhat, he was surprised to see his infamous ‘Rest + Marvel Scale’ combination fail him. Usually Dragonair was able to recover and wake up and would have regenerated more of his energy than his opponent would have dealt, effectively stalling his opponent out and being able to finish the more worn-out adversary with a few attacks.

    Ryuu had to defeat Fraxure then and there while he was close, he decided to call upon his Dragonair’s strongest move to get the job done.

    “Outrage!” Ryuu wailed, Drayden cringed at the mere mention of the move, knowing its destructive potential. The adolescent glared to his Fraxure as an out-of-control, demonic red-eyed Dragonair charged the Tusk Pokémon.

    “You have to knock it out with Dual Chop before it lands a hit!” Fraxure got close, a fight of pure close combat began as Fraxure bobbed and weaved between each strike from Dragonair’s tail and smacked his opponent in an attempt to answer each hit he received. Both trainers encouraged their Pokémon as they shouted cheers at the top of their lungs.

    Fraxure fell face first to evade a strong jab from Dragonair’s menacing appendage, the Dragon Pokémon tried for another hit but Fraxure managed to roll out of harm’s way just in time. The Tusk Pokémon delivered one vicious punch to the snake Dragon’s stomach, but he was left wide open from a dazing headbutt in the meantime. Finally, after that hit the battle had reached its climax.

    “It’s over!” They both screamed simultaneously as their Pokémon landed lethal blows on each other. With thunderous swings, the match had been decided as both Pokémon had fallen, Dragonair under the effects of confusion.

    “A tie!” Ryuu said the obvious result aloud. The young adult had to snap himself back into reality as Drayden walked over to Fraxure and congratulated the Pokémon. Drayden enjoyed himself and Ryuu couldn’t believe he had tied against a kid from Unova and his Fraxure, only a strong trainer could give him a run for his money in that way. It was an amazing battle for both sides regardless.
    Now that was very exciting. An excellent end to the battle.

    “You take a break for now, I bet you’re tired, still that was pretty damn impressive.” Drayden returned him to his Poké Ball, Ryuu did the same with Dragonair. Ryuu turned around to see some people coming over to congratulate him, he then looked around and took notice that the small group of people that were watching his battle had morphed in a sizable crowd. He sighed as Ryuu bashfully accepted the praise of the bystanders.

    “Drayden, that was a great match. You and your Fraxure worked hard and showed just how strong you are, against my Dragonair noless.”

    “I probably would have lost if I......” Ryuu reworked his sentence, “Fraxure hadn’t brought down Gyarados with Counter.” Drayden sentimentally looked at his Fraxure’s Poké Ball.

    “So, why exactly do you battle besides having a lot of pride in your Dragons?” Ryuu asked the somewhat out-of-know-where question, wondering if the battle influenced Drayden.
    "out of nowhere."

    “I battle with purpose and I want to become strong to protect those around me as well as for me and my Pokémon to be successes.” Drayden couldn’t resist the urge to smile weakly as he and Ryuu walked away. “I wish I could have done that for my family.” He felt the Poké Ball in his pocket wiggle and wobble, Fraxure independently appeared in front of both guys, holding his knee in pain and slightly teary-eyed.

    “Looks like a minor knee injury, probably from our battle. I got a quick-fix for that though.” Ryuu pulled a leaf out of his pocket and popped it into his mouth, chewing it until it was a green gooey texture. He bent down and applied the disgusting-looking substance to the Tusk Pokémon’s knee. “There, should be better in no time. I’ve been meaning to try out these plants. They’re herbs for sprains that really benefit scale-covered creatures.”
    That was a very original bit of medicine. I like it.

    “Thank you, Ryuu.” Drayden said as Fraxure climbed onto his back, he carried the injured Pokémon in piggyback style.

    “So, you can baby your Pokémon when you want to? That's pretty caring in itself.” Ryuu grinned, much to Drayden’s embarrassment. “And you’re welcome, Drayden. Maybe one day you can repay the favor?” The young man said jokingly. The day died down as Ryuu and Drayden went to talk to the crowd of fans that spectated their battle, Drayden was going to be something strong someday and Ryuu could tell. Perhaps even stronger than him one day. The two continued to get congratulatory praise from the crowd.

    “Hey, Drayden, by the way, how old are you?”

    “I’m fifteen right now.”

    “So, back when you were little Poké Balls didn’t exist. Your Fraxure has stuck by your side since?”

    “Since I was young, like you said.”

    “Haha, I guess that shows your Fraxure truly loves and respects you, interesting.” Ryuu yawned as he finished his sentence.

    “What are you gonna do now?” Drayden asked.

    “I want to go relax.” The older trainer stated flatly while rubbing his eyes.
    Nice little touch of characterization at the end here.

    A light tap on the shoulder awoke Ryuu from his nap as he looked up to his daughter. He was less on edge about everything, he was a bit sweaty though. His aged eyes stared into his daughter’s as he realized he had to have been asleep for a few hours.

    “Are you feeling better dad?” Mira asked with watered eyes, crying while he was asleep no doubt.

    “I’m fine Mira, just fine. Trust me, Iris will be saved. She’ll be okay.” Ryuu assured Mira as he got up to change into cleaner clothes.

    “Please.” Mira said as she tried to fight more tears.

    “Drayden will come.” Ryuu hugged Mira, not realizing just how wrong he was.
    Ooh, a cliffhanger here. Now I'm really intrigued.

    “Huuuuhhuuh,” Iris breathed heavily in the tree, she had done it, she had finally found those vile poachers and was looming near their campsite, Swablu stayed right near her. She spied the truck containing the purloined Dragon Pokémon from a distance. This was it, now or never. She had to make her move.

    “I promise, I’ll rescue you.” She chimed to herself.
    "I promise, I'll rescue you," she chimed to herself.

    “Swablu,” the Pokémon cooed as he quietly patted Iris in apprehension.

    “No need to worry, I’ll be careful.” Iris gave Swablu an affirming thumbs up as she directed her gaze at the campsite once more.

    Guarding the cage was none other than the poacher from before, Tommy.
    And an even bigger cliffhanger. Great choice for a chapter ending!

    Summing up:

    Characters: The characters, in particular Ryuu and Drayden, are fleshed out very nicely. They have a very believable, genuine interaction, and many parts of their friendship made me smile. It was an effective backstory for the two of them that you provided, also.

    Spelling/grammar: Spelling is fine, but the grammar is probably the weakest point of this strong chapter. In particular, the comma use or non-use issue presents a big blocking point. I've pointed out a number of places in the chapter where you could improve, but to really learn about this, I'd recommend you get a beta reader.

    Scene: Let me pick out what I liked the most - the battle. Even with some grammatical stumbling blocks, you really put together a well-researched battle. The action was easily visualized, not to mention that some of the things you thought to put in, like the abilities, were a very pleasant surprise.

    Ending: I have to give you a thumbs-up on this as well. Returning to Iris was a wise idea after the chapter mainly focusing on Ryuu and Drayden, and what you chose to depict - her discovery of the poachers - was also a good choice. You stopped at just the right point to create a cliffhanger that left me wanting to read more.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 22nd January 2013 at 7:21 AM.

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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    I get what you're describing here - Dragonair - but the way the description is being delivered is a bit awkward. Some of these details don't really need to be mentioned at all. Either that, or they could be folded into later descriptions of Dragonair's actions so it doesn't feel like a text dump.
    I understand what you're saying, intermixing description in with usual actions flows more nicely. I don't know how I let that slip by but that was a major dent in my armor previously before writing this fic. Though thank you for pointing that out.


    Just a little reminder that's very easy to forget: "an usual" is actually incorrect, it should be "a usual." This is because "usual" has a Y sound when it is pronounced.
    Never knew that, thank you for telling me. This is a mistake I'll have to watch out for in the future.

    I also wonder why Ryuu's mental narration is pointing out Drayden's accent here of all places?
    Hum....mental narration pointing out Drayden's accent? I never saw a problem with that, I'm curious to hear why that's a problem specifically.


    I'm liking the budding friendship that's already developing between Ryuu and Drayden. That's something you're doing right very often: making your characters have enjoyable, pleasant personalities and interactions.
    That's relieving, I thought their friendship might have come off as a bit too cookie-cutter.
    Now this raises a curious point in my mind. What exactly happened to cause the wild dragon population to decrease? That's something I want to know more about.
    That's actually going to be expanded upon in a later chapter.
    Also, the idea of the village having population issues because so many people leave to start their journeys is an interesting idea. I'd like to see it expanded upon.
    That too :P

    Oh, that's right, the Village of Dragons is outside Unova. I often forget that.
    Me as well, I think that comes from the anime's influence.

    "A feisty element" is certainly a different way to describe fire.
    Comes off as a bit flowery, doesn't it?
    Isn't Dragon Rage usually always the same strength?
    Yeah, same strength for the same Pokemon to conjure so to speak. For example a Gyarados's Dragon Rage would be larger than a Druddigon's due to the monstrous difference in size.

    Spelling/grammar: Spelling is fine, but the grammar is probably the weakest point of this strong chapter. In particular, the comma use or non-use issue presents a big blocking point. I've pointed out a number of places in the chapter where you could improve, but to really learn about this, I'd recommend you get a beta reader.
    Indeed, I've never been very impressive or perfect when it comes to commas which are my main blocking point. Though I'm trying to improve upon that and have done my best to clean everything up in past chapters. I've also rectified every grammatical errors you pointed out for me, so thank you for that.
    Scene: Let me pick out what I liked the most - the battle. Even with some grammatical stumbling blocks, you really put together a well-researched battle. The action was easily visualized, not to mention that some of the things you thought to put in, like the abilities, were a very pleasant surprise.
    Battles have never been my expertise so that's nice to hear, I honestly think my battles in terms of pacing and description leave a little bit more to be desired.

    Ending: I have to give you a thumbs-up on this as well. Returning to Iris was a wise idea after the chapter mainly focusing on Ryuu and Drayden, and what you chose to depict - her discovery of the poachers - was also a good choice. You stopped at just the right point to create a cliffhanger that left me wanting to read more.
    And thank you!


    Thanks very much for the review! I really do appreciate the quality critique, it lets me know what I really need to work on and what I'm doing decently/good.

  14. #14
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    A/N:Huh, now look at that. Quick update was quick for once, well at least my definition of quick. Managing to get this mama out after posting the last chapter two weeks ago feels good, though it probably helps I had already written this chapter before releasing chapter two and I've mostly been cleaning things up for about a week before actually releasing this. After this chapter Drayden will finally appear in the story, which is good. Yes, this chapter gets a bit graphic at some points so I figured I should point that out since I've never written very violent scenes in any of my fanfics so that was new. Big events happen after this chapter just to let you know and it also establishes a critical moment in Iris's character.

    I also wanna say I'm very thankful for all reviews, comments, PMs, and compliments I've received about this fic. thus far. Nice to see people are enjoying it. Don't be afraid to drop a review or throw a little critique my way, I'm appreciative of both! Enough blabbering, here's chapter three!

    Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!

    The night was pitch black, the darkness surely would have enveloped the forest if not for the stars above that broke through the blackness. Iris was gazing from the tree down on the poachers’ campsite, she got a nice aerial view of everything around the area. Standing next to her, technically flapping, was a small white-and-blue bird Pokemon. He attempted to communicate, using gestures, over their current situation.

    “I can sneak over there, I just gotta be careful,” Iris whispered only for the Swablu to over dramatically gulp.

    The only thing standing in front of her was that incompetent poacher watching over the beasts, she was hesitant and had no one there to confide her feelings to.

    “He can’t be too dangerous,” Iris assured herself, “I mean did you see him today?”

    “Swa,” the Cotton Bird Pokémon replied in a supportive fashion.

    “I’m glad to have you here,” Iris exclaimed, giving a half-hearted smile.

    “Swablublu,” the Pokémon hugged her arm.

    “We still gotta figure out what to do though when we make it over there, maybe you could do something to distract him?”

    “Swaswaswa,” the tiny avian was definitely up to the challenge. It was going to be a critical move for them both, Swablu had been around Iris enough to realize that the girl could be quite the troublesome child and very impulsive. When she was determined to get the job done she truly was dead-set on her endeavor and usually clung to it like a maniac until she got a satisfactory result.

    “You can put him to sleep right?”

    “Swablu!”

    “Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.

    Both glared at each other momentarily as Iris nodded and the Flying-type took off en route to the cage. On the trip there he flew over various tents that littered the land below. That reminded him once again he knew the minute he came with Iris that even trying to free the Dragons would be a risky move to make. Though he once again remembered how firm the young girl was in her convictions. As the bird came within range of the poacher, he noticed the man almost seemed to be nodding off into a sleep on his own and was barely being kept from falling into a slumber by a red, furry puppy that had its body decorated with black strips.

    “Growlgrowl!” The dog barked at Tommy as he let out a yawn.

    “Sorry girl, I’m glad you’re looking out for me though. I really need to turn in for the night....”
    Growlithe sympathetically came over and rubbed her body against Tommy’s leg. The man, fueled by the care of his Pokémon, continued to stay conscious.

    “I swear to God the money better be worth it.” Much to the surprise of Tommy, two small, beady, black eyes greeted him.

    “Grrrrrr,” Growlithe growled in an aggressive stance that suggested she saw Swablu as a threat.

    “Chill, it’s just a Swablu,” Tommy said calmly. Unknown to the Growlithe and Tommy Iris had made her way over to a tree right behind the caged-truck. “So, where did you come from?” Tommy asked with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

    “Now,” Iris gave the cue through her cupped hands that formed a false megaphone.

    “Okay, well you gotta g-”

    “Swaalalalala,” the man was interrupted by a flow of sound that poured from Swablu’s beak. Tommy and his canine were entranced by the sweet music in mere seconds, though Growlithe fought to stay awake her body betrayed her. The young adult had slumped to the ground quietly like a toddler.

    “Yes! Nice job!” Iris congratulated Swablu upon climbing down from the tree. As far as the plan went Swablu had successfully taken the poacher out of play. Iris went over and peered into the cage that housed the kidnapped reptiles. A sickening scent immediately attacked her nose before she even saw what she was looking at.

    The stint of blood, the blood that belonged to the Druddigon wrapped together with her mate. The same Pokémon Baron had whipped prior to stealing.

    “Druddigon,” Iris murmured as Swablu cooed. “Are you alright?” The girl naively asked, knowing the Pokémon were most certainly not okay, though she still felt the urge to ask.

    “Swa.”

    “Druddigon?” Iris reached her arm between the bars enough to stroke the body of the bloody Cave Pokémon who sniffed at the air curiously, confirming to herself that the presence was of someone from the Dragon Village. Inching in a little closer Iris managed to feel the Pokémon’s chest and could sense her vibrant heartbeat. “Please speak to me...” Iris got a little louder, her voice reflective of her concern.

    “Druddi,” the Pokémon whined. The other Druddigon managed to get up and walk toward the cage and meet eyes with Iris, seemingly connecting with the young girl on a very emotional level.

    “So, you can walk but your friend doesn't seem too okay.”

    “Druddigon,” The red-and-blue Pokémon confirmed with a soft sigh.

    “It’s okay, I’m gonna help you all. Swablu, we have to get this cage open,” Iris called out. Inside the cage, besides the two Druddigon, were a Vibrava, a Dragon-type that resembled a dragonfly, a Shelgon, a Charmeleon, and lastly was a rather large creature. It was mostly dark in appearance, it appeared to be sleeping, breathing in deep, long intervals of heavy breaths.

    ”What’s that?”

    “Swaswaswa,” the Pokémon gestured in a questioning manner, he was just as clueless on the species.

    “Let’s just try to get it open,” Iris took her focus off the mystery monster.

    “I think not little girl...” That voice, she turned around and met eyes with Baron. She could smell the thick scent of cologne as he walked closer, the young girl shot a leer right at him with no fear of making eye-contact. All Iris saw was a worthless, sadistic, thief strolling toward her. After all she had gone through he wasn't going to come out without wounds.

    “You monster! Fury Attack!” The Cotton Bird Pokémon violently attacked Baron as if he was channeling Iris’s anger through his own body.

    “****! Stop it!” Baron swatted at the Pokémon who kept unleashing a barrage of furious pecks upon him.

    “Serves you right!” Iris ran over to the cage and screamed, “Everyone! You have to break this cage, somehow, there’s no time for me to free you!” Some of the creatures responded, others simply didn’t, which was a sure fire sign of their broken spirits. Almost as if they had accepted their awful fates. The determined child found a nicely sized rock on the ground and began to beat at the lock with all her might. “I’m gonna get you all out!”

    “Swablublublu!” The Pokémon had done a nice job of keeping Baron contained in one spot as his sharp beak continued to stab Baron’s skin. Small bloody spots had punctured from the repeated wear and tear. Baron grabbed for a Poké Ball in his pocket while trying to shield his face from the angry bird’s onslaught.

    “Weavile, kill that useless thing!” The Sharp Claw Pokémon appeared from the white-and-red sphere, clearly still tired from the earlier duel with Dragonite. Nonetheless the Ice-type separated Swablu from Baron with a quick rush which forced the bird to the ground hard.

    Iris was still working on the lock which was nowhere near as deterred as it was when she started from the repeated hits with the stone, she turned her head to see Swablu evading a crystal-looking blast from Weavile. Her heart immediately started racing.

    “Swablu, I’m coming!” Iris jumped away from the gate to run over to the Cotton Bird Pokémon who had landed near her. She stood in front of the cage watching and analyzing the battle as both Pokémon moved around with vibrancy, she felt the need to stay near Swablu. A lime-green orb of energy formed and was tossed at the Sharp Claw Pokémon by Swablu.

    “Ice Shard,” Baron responded, Weavile barreled a chunk of ice that met the Dragon-type move halfway to form a small explosion of light. “How weak, keep up the Ice Shard. Get rid of that little pest!”

    Weavile unleashed a barrage of icy fragments that Swablu evaded, a few of the wayward shards had shattered against the cage. From that racket that caused the cage to ring with sound, the shadowed creature finally moved, shuddering in its lethargic state.

    “It’s waking up,” Iris looked at the two Druddigon from in the prison who didn't know who the darkened cellmate was, neither did the other Dragons.

    “Ice Shard!” More cold stones crashed into the mobile confinement, creating even more boisterous rounding that resonated throughout the cage. Like before the resting creature was clearly getting more unnerved as it tossed and turned.

    ”Maybe, just maybe. That Dragon could be strong enough to break free and save the day!”

    "Swaaa."

    “Hey, Swablu, in front of the cage, over here!

    “She’s playing with me,” Baron had an increasing feeling of irritation gradually creep up on him. “Weavile, for the last time, hit that little annoyance!”

    Weavile created the biggest piece of ice yet, being nearly the size of a boulder, the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type. It was promptly evaded and slammed the jail hard, creating the most intense eruption of crying from the metal it impacted against. That was the last straw.

    The titan had awoken.

    “Raaawwwwwrrrrr!”

    A piercing screech from behind the young lady literally could have broken her eardrums. Iris turned quickly to see the dark figure rising to the roof of the cage, she was elated to see it had come to life. Baron’s blood had gone cold when he saw the hellish faces of the creature.

    Two small heads functioned as hands for the Dragon as well as a main head in the middle that was dark-blue with demonic, fuchsia eyes. Two useless legs limped in the air as the draconian, pitch-black wings gave the Pokémon the ability of flight.

    “Rawwwrrrr!” The monster’s voice blasted from all three heads which made Baron jump and surely awoke the other sleeping poachers.

    “You little *****! Look what you’ve caused!” Baron’s eyes were bullets trained on Iris, though Iris’s attention was registered completely on the Brutal Pokémon before her. She had never seen one of those before. The child was engrossed as she watched the creature writhe around the closed space, firing a blaze in all directions.

    Unfortunately, a few of the other Dragons were almost hit by the attack. The male Druddigon did his best to shield his female counterpart from the fire, especially in her already severely pained state. Shelgon put up a barrier that they all gathered near that managed to keep them all guarded from the flames.

    “Swabluuuuu!” Meanwhile, still tangoing with Weavile, the Cotton Bird Pokémon came drilling down with his beak having grown little over half a foot long. The Ice-type was dive bombed in the same manner as he was when defeated by Dragonite.

    “Losing to the old bag and being beaten by a Pokémon that’s not even close to your speed?! ****! Why are you so useless!?” Weavile tried to not be fazed by the insult and conjured more Ice Shards which did not hit their mark. Swablu’s ability of flight combined with fatigue from battling Dragonite made such a task especially difficult.

    The Ice-type moves jetted through the air, each being dodged and hammering the cage which elicited more anger from the Dragon called “Hydreigon.” Iris had broken from her study when a blast of fire came close to hitting her.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Pokémon’s eyes turned a bloody red as its whole body seemed to emit a ruby aura, this gave an even more terrifying appearance to the Pokémon who started attacking the cage head on and thrashing at it unrelentingly. Each ringing of the cage in-sync with Baron’s fearful heartbeats, before long bars were down, freeing the raging atrocity as well as nearly every other Dragon who saw a chance at freedom and took it with no hesitation. Only two remained, the male Druddigon was doing his best to steadily help his hurt mate toward freedom.

    “Swablu! Give me a hand!” Iris bellowed for her little friend who had no problem following orders. The Brutal Pokémon sent a chain of flames at Weavile from all three heads which enveloped the Pokemon’s whole body, the Ice-type immediately fell to the ground in a near-death state.

    “I caught you once and I can do it again!” Baron pulled out a black-and-yellow Poké Ball. Before running away Iris feared for the Brutal Pokemon’s safety and tried to give a message to flee.

    “You have to run! You’re free now!” Iris’s words fell on deaf ears as the Hydreigon ejected another shower of fire in a random area, “Why aren’t you listening, you have to run! You! Have! To! Run!” Iris shouted at the furious brute, taking deep breaths between each word.

    “After I contain it, you’re next, brat. You seriously don’t think I’m going to let you get away with losing my profit?” Iris’s previous boiling nature resurfaced, she had nearly forgotten about the leader of the gang. “So, you think you’re hot **** because that squirt was outclassing Weavile? Abomasnow, get its attention!”

    From the Ultra Ball came a creature covered in thick, chalky fur. It charged a mass of ice in its green hands, pitching it directly at Hydreigon who was knocked cleanly by the move in its enraged state.

    “He doesn't belong to you!”

    “Is that so? If I catch it, like any other person would, it technically belongs to me. Besides, who are you to tell me what and what I don’t own? Don’t worry, you’ll learn your place when I catch it again.” A sadistic grin formed around his face as Hydreigon approached.

    “Swabluuu,” he insinuated worriedly to Iris.

    “Escape? But, what about him?” Iris sympathetically looked at Hydreigon. “Well, I can at least help the Druddigon escape.”

    Meanwhile, now coming to his senses was Tommy who rubbed his head and felt soft debris on his body.

    “What’s going on...?” He examined himself and Growlithe as he heard the ruckus and saw Baron’s Abomasnow engaged with a Hydreigon. He looked to his left to see Iris helping the Druddigon duo flee the scene by entering the thickness of the forest.

    “Come on, you’ll be okay!” Iris had the female Druddigon’s right arm wrapped around her shoulder. “You two can get away while he’s busy!” Iris felt Tommy’s stare trained on her, she glanced to the left and looked right into his eyes. Tommy did not say anything, Iris did not speak either. Her eyes were a mirror that told an infuriated story of passion, those eyes were ones he would never forget.

    The eyes of angry compassion like the rage of a Dragon itself. With Growlithe in-tow he ran away from the area as hastily as he could. Swablu kept a watching eye on the bout between the two fully-evolved Pokemon.

    Neither side looked like they were going to give in, however in the blink of an eye, Hydreigon spat a Flamethrower that ripped through Abomasnow’s fur. Doing its best to keep itself together, the Frost Tree Pokémon blew a very chilly wind that the Brutal Pokémon evaded with ease.

    The Dragon swooped down in a flash and bared its fangs, biting down unrelentingly on Abomasnow’s arm. The Ice-type cried out for the simple freedom from the bite however Hydreigon got more agitated and forced its teeth deeper into the Frost Tree Pokémon’s flesh.

    Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly, Hydreigon let go only after its enemy had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very Brutal Pokémon had forced upon one of Baron’s.

    “This **** isn’t worth it!” Baron returned his Grass-type, most of the other poachers had gotten the right idea and already fled the scene after waking up. “Fearow, abort!”

    The bird with a massive beak appeared from a Poké Ball, he boarded it in an attempt to escape. Despite nearly being blasted out of the air by Flamethrowers from Hydreigon he had gotten away. Meanwhile, Iris and the Druddigon had covered half a mile.

    “This is far enough, you two go. I have to go help Swablu and that other Dragon somehow.”

    “Drudd,” the male nodded as him and the female continued the trek toward the Dragon Village.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Brutal Pokémon continued to fly around, spitting more flames at everything and anything in its path. Many forest Pokémon had ran away from the area due to the dangerous situation as well as the unearthly noise that belonged to Hydreigon. Iris made it back to the poachers’ site running full speed, she was glad to see them gone.

    “Thank you! You scared them away, now’s let g-” A trail of flames shot near her, nearly setting the tree next to her on fire.

    “Swabluuu,” the Pokémon frantically flew back toward Iris, struggling to stay mobile. The feathers on his body were charred, the fire had only grazed him but had done a significant amount of damage while he tried to put the creature to sleep. She caught the small bird and held him in her arms.

    Iris looked down at Swablu's burnt feathers, and Swablu couldn't help but feel bad over the tears Iris was about to shed.

    “Rawwwwwrrr!” The blustering cry from the fully-evolved Dragon was a sign of attack as it expelled another burst of fire toward Swablu and Iris but the girl was surprised to look up and see she and the bird were not hit as the raging beast’s fire was intercepted by a similar attack.

    "Druddigon!" cried the male Cave Pokemon as he came racing in, having blocked Hydreigon's attack. Despite this, her constant close calls with the fire were starting to get to Iris, and she wiped the sweat from her forehead while consoling her injured friend.

    “Drudd!” Iris couldn’t forget about the still agonized female Druddigon, who she assumed had made it to the village alright. The maiden looked up at the horrendous face of Hydreigon once more as it continued its rampage, trying to kill anything that so much as moved, viewing it as an enemy.

    The Cave Pokémon stepped up to try and take on the destructive monstrosity, getting away from the others to avoid them getting hit by any stray attacks.

    “I don’t know what I did, I thought he would listen if he got free....” she cuddled the poor soul who cooed softly in her arms while they watched the fighting Dragons.

    “Druddi!” the Pokémon had two cerulean claws ready to attack Hydreigon and the large creature leapt into the air and slashed violently. Hydreigon dodged the close-range attack, however; the ability to fly made an earth-bound Pokémon’s job much harder. As the Cave Pokémon fell back to the ground his wings worked as a parachute to cushion the force of the fall.

    A cluster of turquoise balls darted from the main head of Hydreigon, to counter Druddigon discharged shots of brown filth that met and made an explosion that ripped through the air so hard Hydreigon was fanned back a significant amount. Druddigon was calm and cool and made sure to watch closely and leave no room for error.

    Next Hydreigon attempted to go in for a close-quarters attack by showing its fangs, once again, hurrying toward the Cave Pokémon. Iris saw the blood-stained fangs and cringed all the while getting more and more unnerved the longer the barbaric beast kept up its assault.

    Hydreigon bit down on Druddigon, its grip was quickly broken though. The inside of its mouth had been scissored by the rough, spiky skin of Druddigon. The red-and-blue creature retaliated by knocking the bleeding Dragon across the face with a Dragon Claw that forced it to the ground.

    Iris saw blood leak from the Brutal Pokémon’s mouth and began to shiver. She cared about Druddigon and wanted him to survive but she didn’t want harm to come to Hydreigon either. The battle was turning into a very scary, deadly sight.

    Druddigon made ready to go in for another Dragon Claw though the incoming Pokémon was hit by a Flamethrower that forced him to the ground after he jumped.

    Hydreigon’s body and eyes glowed a deep red as he raced at Druddigon and unleashed all of his rage in the form of punching and thrashing that the Pokémon did his best to endure. It wasn’t easy and gradually the Cave Pokémon gave way and fell while Hydreigon’s Outrage continued to batter him.

    “Raawwrrr!” After the storm of hits had ended Hydreigon rose to the air menacingly and readied a Flamethrower to finish Druddigon for good.

    “Don’t do it! Please!” Iris’s face was covered with tears that dropped lightly on Swablu who had blacked-out some moments prior. The trapped flames overflowed from the monster’s mouth and Iris gave one last futile scream before the attack was fully charged, just when Hydreigon made ready to let loose the move.

    “Brrrrraugh!” it was boxed in the face by a fiery, yellow fist.

    “Dragonite!” Iris’s tears ceased momentarily.

    “I’m so glad you’re okay!” Mira came running in behind Iris, bending down on her knees and hugging her graciously with tears running down her face. Ryuu appeared behind his daughter and glared up at the Hydreigon. Before it could even react to the Fire Punch, a Dragon Claw smashed into its stomach.

    “Rawwwrr!” The rage continued as Hydreigon created another Flamethrower.

    “End this, Dragonite! Thunderbolt! Shelgon, Hydro Pump!” Ryuu commanded.

    Iris looked over to see Mira’s Pokémon was indeed there as well, she hadn’t even noticed. The large, yellow Pokémon generated a storm of electricity that zapped Hydreigon complemented by a pump of water from the Shelgon that amplified the attack. The Brutal Pokémon was unable to spew flames, it also struggled to move as sparks surged from its body.

    “Paralysis,” the man pulled out a Poké Ball similar to the one Baron had, “Ultra Ball, Hydreigon!” Ryuu launched the capsule at the Dragon and the strong sphere forced the beaten-up Brutal Pokémon inside. There was an internal struggle that caused the sphere to wiggle for a few seconds but it soon stopped as indicated by a small spring of sparkles popped from it.

    “It’s all over,” Ryuu closed his eyes and looked at the surrounding area, surveying the damage.

    “Ryuu,” Iris whimpered like a small animal while making her way over to her caretaker with Swablu still in her arms. “Is Druddigon going to be okay?!” Ryuu didn’t have the heart to try to sugarcoat anything.

    “I don’t know,” Ryuu said as he marched over to the severely hurt Cave Pokémon with Iris following closely behind.

    “What about Swablu?!” she held out her palms with the bird peacefully sleeping in them.

    “Don’t worry about this, leave it to me.” The elder man went over the Druddigon and put him inside a Poké Ball. Mira picked up the captured Hydreigon’s Ultra Ball and pocketed it.

    “Iris, let’s go home,” Mira said with tears still pooled in her eyes from reuniting with Iris. “Give Swablu to me,” Iris handed her the injured Pokémon with care.

    “Dragonite, this is urgent!” Ryuu called to his guardian, ready to take flight, securing Swablu and the Ultra Ball from Mira with Druddigon’s Poké Ball as well. “I promise I’ll do everything I can.” He left her with few words while Dragonite raced off to the village with an earnest sense of urgency.

    “Let’s go Iris, we’ll walk together,” the young girl sobbed with Mira putting her arm around her friend's shoulder.

    -:-

    Iris stood outside the medical tent set-up near Ryuu’s clinic; unsurprisingly, quite a few people were concerned for her and welcomed her back with hugs and smiles. However, there was no reason to celebrate or be happy for inside the setup facility was her mentor himself performing critical surgery on Druddigon. The Cave Pokémon was most likely in more turmoil and pain than the child could ever understand.

    “Swa,” the tiny bird swooped in with bandages around his body.

    “I’m glad you’re okay, I feel really guilty.”

    “Swabluululu,” the Pokémon tried to snap Iris out of her saddened mood. Mira appeared from the tent abruptly.

    “Well, the female Druddigon’s wounds have been treated, though most of the pain had to do with what’s in her stomach,” Mira explained.

    “Are you saying?” Iris’s eyes widened.

    “She’s pregnant and due in a little while, can’t give an estimate on her time. Though I’m sure the egg will make it out fine, despite the amount of abuse she suffered...” Mira bit her lip.

    “Mira, I need your assistance!” Ryuu called for his daughter to return.

    “Be right back.”

    “She’s pregnant and the baby’s gonna be okay, that’s the one good thing to come out of this,” Iris chatted with the Cotton Bird Pokémon. She was getting tired, she didn’t leave the medical tent but simply sat down near the entrance and rested her eyes until she fell into a warm, light nap with Swablu nestled in her arms.

    -:-

    “Iris.....psh...Iris. Daddy needs you to come into the tent,” Iris rubbed her eyes until the blur disappeared revealing the tan face of Mira. She did what was told without a word, mostly due to her groggy state.

    “Iris...” Ryuu bit his tongue. “I need you to say goodbye to Druddigon...” Iris’s face immediately lost its color as it was obvious what she was about to do.

    “No tears,” Mira bent down to the child’s level. “Druddigon wants to hear your voice," she said as the young girl walked over to the being as Ryuu stood by.

    “Druddigon, I’m so so sorry. I’m was stupid to think that Dragon would help us and now you’re like this!” she wiped the drops of water from her face. Ryuu placed his hand on the Cave Pokemon’s chest and closed his eyes.

    “He says that you made a mistake, that’s okay. He was glad that before his mate left this world she was able to give birth to the egg containing their child safely,” Ryuu translated. Iris immediately came to the realization that from that news the female Druddigon passed away while in labor.

    “What have I done?” Iris fell to her knees, putting her face to the floor and sobbing loudly. “There’s nothing I can do to apologize!” Iris’s guilt nearly overtook her while the man did his best to keep his composure and continue translating.

    “Don’t worry about that at all. Just promise to be good friends with my kid,” The Cave Pokémon smirked as Ryuu said that, Mira lifted Iris up from the ground and handed her a red and blue egg with a crooked yellow pattern running through the middle from left to right. Iris gaped down at the egg, halting her crying.

    “Ryuu, I thought Druddigon wanted to continue on. I thought I understood.”

    “No,” Ryuu was stern but calm, “If you really had understood Druddigon’s heart you would have realized that his wishes were to end the pain. Druddigon has suffered many serious injuries beyond repair, even attempting to live would be a burden on him. There would have to be surgeries often every few years or possibly months, foods he wouldn’t be able to eat at all, I’m not even sure if he could ever walk again. Being a wild Pokémon, that’s a necessity for life.”

    Iris felt even more terrible about what had happened, though Druddigon was looking at her with a sympathetic face that told her not to weep any further.

    Still, with the Druddigon-themed egg in her hands, she slumped and looked at a table, sitting there was the Ultra Ball. Mira looked at Iris warmly.

    “If you want to know, that Dragon is called Hydreigon and I’m almost positive it isn’t from around here in the main village. Probably lives in a den somewhere and it’s going to be okay, that species is known for their power and resilience.” Mira informed, Iris forgot about the Brutal Pokémon for a second and just observed the Cave Pokémon.

    “Goodbye, Druddigon,” Iris said one last time, still caressing the egg that contained the Dragon life as she fell asleep from sheer exhaustion right then and there. She had been completely worn-out and mentally drained, trying to fight to stay awake would have been a meaningless struggle.

    After that event Iris learned a lot. She learned about the evil within humans and the evil within Pokémon. She learned about life and death a bit more. Her own ideals about cherishing what was near and dear to her were strengthened that day. She learned about never taking life for granted. One thing in particular stuck out to Iris, the one thing she knew. She had never feared a Dragon in her life, she thought she had warm feelings for nearly all Dragons she encountered, however, now she knew that wasn’t the case.

    She was afraid of Hydreigon.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 15th March 2013 at 7:11 AM.

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    I really like the way you ended this chapter because it felt as if it tied with the canon universe really well and also showed potentially great character development for Iris.

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    There's exactly a 0% chance I get through this chapter in one sitting because your chapters are too immense and my attention span is too tiny. But I'll give it a shot and come back later if must.

    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu View Post
    A sweaty, headache-consumed Ryuu muttered unintelligible words under his breath as he yanked out a drawer with little force, this caused a variety of papers to take flight around him. The frustration the man felt was an intoxicating mixture of anxiety and exhaustion.
    You need either a semi-colon or a period between "yanked out a drawer with little force" and "this caused a variety...". A comma doesn't separate two independent clauses.

    He thought back several times to the day’s incident and replayed the same thing in his head. The poachers were ruthless to say the least.
    What did he replay? This doesn't tell me.

    “A Dragonite’s intelligence can match or exceed that of a human’s and Dragonite in-general are known for having exceptional speed,” Ryuu proclaimed as Dragonite bolted toward the door and took flight, flying at what seemed to be so fast that his speed could reduce a jet to an envious mess.
    I'm assuming regions aren't very big in your universe. Some people consider them differently: the size of a large city, the size of a state, the size of a country, or even a continent. Even if Dragonite is really fast, asking it to look around a country or continent (or even a medium-sized state) would take... a great deal of time.

    the lively guy wore his usual poker face in the heat of a challenge, height wise he was average compared to other Dragon Village fellows.
    Ehhh... I don't love "lively guy" in narration. It is too colloquial.

    The Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned. His trainer flicked a hand carelessly. A charge of lightning sent the Charmeleon flying twenty feet away, almost as if it was an insignificant little pest being swatted. Much to the surprise of no one the Fire-type did not stand up.
    "insignificant little pest" is a bit redundant. I'd drop the "little". It will sound better.

    “You make it look easy.” The other trainer said while returning the knocked-out Charmeleon to its Poké Ball and grunting in slight frustration.
    Don't like "knocked-out". Either... "unconscious" or"fallen" or "defeated" or even "battered" if you want to go for a truly beaten imagery.

    Time would be spent researching different plants a lot of the time, as a striving self-proclaimed “Dragon Doctor” he would often experiment with many different herbs.
    Get rid of the redundant use of "time" in the first bit there. "Time would be spent....a lot of the time".

    Today was no exception, he spent the day examining various greenery, only taking a break to battle a passerby. While searching, none of the plants gained his interest, so he looked a bit harder.
    This seems a little, I don't know, irrelevant. "He looked. He didn't see anything. He looked more". I don't know what this part really contributed to moving the story on.

    The man took a detour around his usual spot and winded up near a clearing after a quarter of a hour. Nothing stood out about the place, it was a normal natural area.
    "He looked for 15 minutes. He found nothing". Again... what is the point of this narration?

    As he spent the better half of an hour examining the place he came upon something peculiar.
    Comma after "place".

    “Grrrrrr!” A maturing male voice growled, the brown-grayish haired child had the creature in a headlock. His plain white t-shirt had been slightly ripped from the bout which showed off his pale skin that eluded the sun’s tanning rays. It wasn’t hard to tell that the boy worked out daily as he was decently built for his size and was contending against a wild Pokémon.

    “Fraxure!” The reptilian, dark-greenish Pokémon with tusks that seemed nearly as long as a yardstick tried to shake free of the boy’s grip as he flailed around. The human adversary drew back his fist and made ready to send it into Fraxure’s red-speckled gut, but the Pokémon threw the boy off of him in the nick of time. The Dragon-type took the opportunity to put a licking on his opponent, but the boy evaded the kicks and punches that were thrown his way.
    Needs better color description. "brown-grayish"? "dark-greenish"? These don't tell me anything. Compare them to something. "The boy, his matted hair the color of a worn-out saddle..." or "the reptilian, forest-tinted Pokemon...". That's more vivid, yes? I mean, don't get TOO flowery with it, but add some spice.

    “Dragona-” Ryuu made ready to release his Dragon starter, once more, before he clumsily fell to the ground in his haste, dropping the Poké Ball as well.
    ...wut? Is this supposed to make me see Ryuu as a buffoon and respect him less?

    “Holy ****, are you okay?” The boy and Fraxure both bolted over to a disoriented Ryuu lying on the ground.The Tusk Pokémon helped the man back up to his feet as he coughed in slight pain. Ryuu straightforwardly asked though.

    “Why were you fighting?!”

    “That was training.”

    “What the fuc....” Ryuu didn’t finish his sentence, slightly embarrassed at the huge brouhaha he had made over supposed training.
    What is with all the swearing all of the sudden? This doesn't seem like a situation that calls for it. The boy's, I guess I can see. But from Ryuu?

    “We wrestle in order to train with each other, that’s how it’s always been. People usually think we’re fighting seriously though. I’m Drayden by the way and this is my Fraxure.”
    Don't randomly italicize things like the "my" there. It's kind of distracting. You can just narrate in a dialogue tag that emphasized part of the sentence.

    “Fraxuuu,” the Pokémon introduced himself with a comical salute. Ryuu turned several shades of pink as he went over and scouted for his Dragonair’s Poké Ball, he made sure to apologize once he walked back toward Drayden.
    Another comma separating two independent clauses there.

    “Exactly,” the striving Dragon medic became somewhat elated, still visually embarrassed though, as he immediately walked over and picked a few pieces of the greenery and stored it in his pocket.
    I'm assuming a professional would have a special pouch or container and wouldn't generally be stuffing delicate plants in his pockets.

    “You’re a medic and know this place, so you live in the Dragon Village?” Drayden guessed from Ryuu’s slight accent.
    Oh, inconsistent narration. Now we're in Drayden's P.O.V. all of the sudden? That always throws me.

    “Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, no reason to be lite with their work-out.
    "Light". Unless he's talking about diet food.

    “No, no, no. Drayden, my boy, I’m quite the battler if I do say so myself. I’m actually one of the best around these parts. Working alongside Dragons in medical and battling situations is my style and forte.” A leer appeared on Drayden’s face.
    "working alongside dragons in medical"? I don't think that's right. "Medical settings"? "Medical emergencies"? "in medicine"? I'm assuming you mean one of those.

    “Battle me then when we make it to the village.” Ryuu was taken off-guard, it never occurred to him to battle the kid. He was the type to not back down from a battle challenge so he blurted, “Okay, in the village.”
    Wait, do you have both of them speaking in the same paragraph here?"

    The two didn’t talk much further until they had finally made it to the “Village of Dragons.” Drayden and Ryuu swaggered into the Dragon Village, upon entry Ryuu was greeted by many different people, almost as if he was an idol. The Unova Region native was surprised at his new companion’s popularity, given his prior goofy behavior was less than something he expected from anything resembling a strong, respected trainer.
    We already know it is called "The Village of Dragons". It's not a nickname, so don't set it off in quotations.

    Most of the Dragon Village was, for the most part, like a boisterous town.
    "Most of...for the most part". Another redundancy.

    Many children played around and people conversed and talked amongst each other,
    Comma after "played".


    -Okay, this is where I stop for now. I'll try to get the rest of it later.

    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu View Post
    The intense, red eyes of the Rock Skin Pokémon met the Dragon’s when it made eye contact as well.
    Another redundancy. Their eyes met when they made eye contact.

    “Larvitar? Those are usually native to Johto, seeing one outside of its main region is pretty unlikely and besides I was expecting to face off against a Dragon-type.”
    Comma after unlikely.

    Drayden figuring the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a slower Pokémon like Shelgon.
    Drayden FIGURED. not "figuring".

    “Let’s try Stone Edge!” Larvitar jumped into the air as several rocks formed out of thin air around his body, like heat-seeking missiles each rock crashed into the slow Shelgon, who was pushed back by the boosted Rock-type move. Shelgon made a small effort to dodge beforehand but was simply too burly a Pokémon to get away.
    Anyone who plays the games will know why the attack is "boosted", but for a story, either go into detail explaining it for the reader's sake, or just leave it out and let the attack be the attack.

    What happened next was something Drayden didn’t see coming, Larvitar was blasted away like a ragdoll.
    Leave out the "What happened next was..." bit and just say Larvitar was blasted back. It hits harder and is less distracting.

    “It is Guts!” Drayden knew the powerful ability that his Larvitar possessed, the killer ability that sharply upped his power whenever he was affected by a status move, like a burn for example. Ryuu was bent on not letting Drayden seize the opportunity to use the newly-spawned power.
    I think fics take a hit when they play too closely by video game rules. They seem too nonsensical and silly. Like this part here... I'm not saying not to use Larvitar's ability... just don't describe it such like a game. Explain it more as, I dunno, "Larvitar seemed to feel rage at the burn inflicted upon him, and it emanated a newfound aura of power..." Just an example. Don't go into "status moves" and stuff.

    Drayden knew from his previous battle that Ryuu seemed to favor defense over straight-up power and speed but Gyarados seemed like a contradictory. Though he was gonna test that.
    Like a contradiction, not contradictory.

    The Rock Skin Pokémon lied on the ground before gaining his bearing and realizing he had lost the battle.
    Lay, not "lied".

    “Brrrrrr!” The beast roared in satisfaction.
    I'm, personally, not a big fan of sound effects. Just say "the beast roared in satisfaction". Sound effects are really distracting and almost always make a reader stop, disengage from the story, and imagine them.

    “Oh, crap! Fraxure!” Drayden cried out as if it was going to make a difference.
    I get that Drayden is young here, but this dialogue doesn't fit very well with the man we all know he becomes.

    “Assurance!” Fraxure hopped near Dragonair’s face and gave him a swift kick to the cheek, the doubled power of the Dark-type move got results as Dragonair cried out in pain. The Tusk Pokémon bailed after striking his Dragon brethren. With Fraxure in-range of the serpent, it was practically begging to be attacked though.
    More video-game rules with the description of Assurance there. Like I said...that won't make any sense to a non-game player, and even to those of us who do play them, it just seems kind of silly to think of in a "real world" battle like this.

    Also, I don't love the usage of "bailed". Again, too colloquial for narration.


    As I read on, I saw more gamey battle mechanics that I didn't love (Rest/Marvel Scale). If you're going to incorporate that, try to make it more realistic and describe how those methods would look/act in real life.

    A lot of your characters are still suffering from all sounding fairly immature and, really, like teenagers. Try to get more into the soul of who they are and give them their independent voices.
    Last edited by Sid87; 3rd February 2013 at 1:32 PM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ChloboShoka View Post
    I really like the way you ended this chapter because it felt as if it tied with the canon universe really well and also showed potentially great character development for Iris.
    Thank you very much the kind words. I'm pretty much doing my best to keep this fic. tied to the game-canon in a realistic and free-flowing way, though the fear of Hydreigon was my own touch and is going to be an important factor later for Ms.Wild-child. :P Can you imagine, as an 8-year-old, seeing a raging dark beast wreck everything they see and nearly take various lives? Hopefully I can portray that fear well in the future when the time comes while still being enticing to see.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sid87 View Post
    There's exactly a 0% chance I get through this chapter in one sitting because your chapters are too immense and my attention span is too tiny. But I'll give it a shot and come back later if must.
    If you want you could just drop the fic. I don't mean it in a rude way, more so that if the fic. isn't very engaging for you and the chapter length bothers you you could just stop reading it. You clearly have given the chapters a chance and obviously you're not very engrossed by the story if the chapters are that much of a bother due to the word count, I don't mind removing you from the PM list. Though thank you for the reviews in the past and this review, I really appreciate it. Good critique is a rarity in many forms around these parts.
    I'm assuming regions aren't very big in your universe. Some people consider them differently: the size of a large city, the size of a state, the size of a country, or even a continent. Even if Dragonite is really fast, asking it to look around a country or continent (or even a medium-sized state) would take... a great deal of time.
    Actually regions in this fic. are the same ones from in-game. Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, and Hoenn are based on real-life regions in Japan, Kanto, Kaisai, Kyushu, Hokkaido, and lastly Unova is the USA, specifically Manhatten/New York. The regions are all within around an hour or so boat ride of each other in Japan iirc, America is around an eight or so hour plane ride. The Dragon Village, in-game, resides just outside of the Unova Region. So it wouldn't be that long a distance to fly for a Dragonite, given their exceptional speed.
    ...wut? Is this supposed to make me see Ryuu as a buffoon and respect him less?
    It's mainly characterization, while Ryuu is more respected as an adult and mature moments like that are meant to highlight the contrast between him and his younger self. Plus it's meant to be a somewhat amusing scene.


    What is with all the swearing all of the sudden? This doesn't seem like a situation that calls for it. The boy's, I guess I can see. But from Ryuu?
    Looking back, I do indeed agree on that. It's very...unneeded. XP

    Don't randomly italicize things like the "my" there. It's kind of distracting. You can just narrate in a dialogue tag that emphasized part of the sentence.
    I know italicization is a nitpick of yours from your previous reviews and other reviews and post here in the Fanfiction section and honestly you're probably the only person I've every come across that's quite bothered by it. ^^; Though I hear what you're saying, the italicization is meant to highlight the word and make you think about it. It can also be used as a nice indicator of sarcasm in dialogue. Though I have corrected every other error and piece awkward dialogue you pointed out, I don't see a point in changing that.

    I'm assuming a professional would have a special pouch or container and wouldn't generally be stuffing delicate plants in his pockets.
    I mentioned that at the end actually, must have had a brain-fart at the beginning and forgot. Went back and edited, thank you for pointing it out.

    I think fics take a hit when they play too closely by video game rules. They seem too nonsensical and silly. Like this part here... I'm not saying not to use Larvitar's ability... just don't describe it such like a game. Explain it more as, I dunno, "Larvitar seemed to feel rage at the burn inflicted upon him, and it emanated a newfound aura of power..." Just an example. Don't go into "status moves" and stuff.
    I hear what you're saying, making it less robotic and more smooth in a sense. For example is in a future chapter to explain why Grass-types aren't heavily bothered by Electricity I would say they have bodies that are able to handle and diffuse electricity into dirt/the ground. I actually wrote this chapter a long time ago during my beginning phases in fanfiction so I didn't know better, but thank you for pointing that out. It gives me much more to think about in the future. ^^


    A lot of your characters are still suffering from all sounding fairly immature and, really, like teenagers. Try to get more into the soul of who they are and give them their independent voices.
    Thank you, my characterization does need more fine-tuning. I appreciate the review once again.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 19th February 2013 at 3:34 PM.

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    This is for the review game. Sorry if you have trouble reading my word coloration. I use the Electric Type background so this color shows up pretty well for me, and it helps differentiate my words from yours.

    "There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning ice storms. These magnificent beast specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders, moves also have their own type. Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were executing.

    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against other types. This allows there to be balance for Pokémon when they engage in contests of strength, technique, and athleticism known as "Pokémon Battles". These battles between Pokémon are considered to be a popular sport that is enjoyed by all ages. In Pokémon battles, there are people who command their Pokémon to utilize their moves against other Pokémon. These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. Facilities called "Gyms" specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon Gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that can be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.

    There are certain types of attacks that are super effective, as in doing more damage than usual, to different types of Pokémon. An example of this is that Water-type moves are very dangerous when used on Fire-type Pokémon. One of the seventeen known types that a Pokémon can be is the Dragon-type. The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Draconian or Dragon Pokémon can be, is a rare type that has some of the best of moves under its name. For example, Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.

    One of the two types that effect Dragon-types greatly are Ice-type moves. It is hypothesized a Dragon's scale-covered body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-types wield powers like these. Dragon-type moves are super effective on Dragon-type Pokémon too.

    "Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle, being blessed with extraordinary battling prowess. Many are ferocious, many are mysterious, and many are sought for their high potential. Some are even known in legends for being responsible for the creation of many places and elements. They can also serve as guardians to people.

    These versatile beings' popularity meant they were highly sought often and that lead to them becoming a rarity in the wild. Not only is it hard to find and capture one of these brilliant individuals, it's even harder to train them, for some it's hard to tame them even. If one was to succeed in doing such a hard feat, it would be a true testament to their skills to raise such a overly exceptionally Pokémon.

    There's one village in particular where people love and cherish these monsters for all they're worth. In that particular village, a cheery girl who dreams of understanding the complex hearts of dragons resides, waiting till she's of age to start her own journey. This unique girl's name is Iris.""

    This is way too long of an intro. It feels like you're trying to explain the game mechanics to us, but unless this story takes place in an OOTS like world, people shouldn't be aware of how the game rules work. For example, in a realistic setting, fire types do damage to grass types because plants are flammable, not because fire always gets to do double damage. You could have easily pared this down to two or three paragraphs. All we need to know is that there are dragons, and that Iris wants to understand them.


    So far, this is quite good. You use proper punctuation and sentence structure, and you break the text up so I'm not staring at an impenetrable wall.

    "Near them was a large, black truck. It had a caged backside that held many purloined Pokémon. Iris couldn't make out what Pokémon they were specifically but she knew without a doubt that the captured Dragons were just as helpless as she was or else they surely would have freed themselves by now. She was tempted to try and get close to the truck, but she didn't want to risk it in this situation."

    While I get that your trying to vary your vocabulary, the phrase "purloined Pokemon" really sounds kind of silly. The alliteration really takes away from the menace of these guys.

    ""Humph!" A loud roar came from Ryuu. "You've never battled a Pokémon with 'Multiscale' have you? This ability halves an attack's damage when the Pokémon with it has taken no damage." Iris smirked seeing Baron was unfamiliar with the ability that some Dragonite had, allowing them to take attacks more effectively than they normally would. How Ryuu managed to obtain a Pokémon with such a rare ability, Iris didn't know. Managing to find one almost seemed like something she could only do in a dream."

    And now things are just getting silly. Nothing takes away from the excitement of a fight scene like explaining the game rules behind each attack. Unless this story literally takes place inside a video game, dialogue like this should not exist.

    The fight has devolved into people just shouting out moves now. Make it seem organic and natural, with the trainers giving commands and the pokemon breathing fire and ice at each other, with the actual game moves themselves being more implied than outright stated. A dragon shooting a stream of hot orange flame is far more engaging than a dragon using Flamethrower.

    Thoughts on Chapter 1. Overly long and unnecessary intro, good beginning, and weak battle sequence marred by dialogue sounding more like from a video gaming tournament than an actual fight where the creatures are real and not just pixels and stats.

    Chapter Two is more of the same. It starts off strong, but then devolves into more battles that are just calling out attacks and describing the pokemon do that attack. It separates us from the action and makes it unexciting, because it doesn't feel real at all. Also, this is a very drawn out fight considering that nothing seems to actually be at stake here. I think you could shorten it down to a few paragraphs. If every battle is going to be like this one, then you're going to have a lot of overly long drawn out scenes that will quickly get boring.

    Chapter Three.

    Here's an idea. You have the Baron yelling "Ice Shard" over and over again. Why not have him saying things like, "hit her with an Ice Shard!" or something like that? It haelps to vary the combat dialogue and makes it seem less stilted.

    The action scene in this chapter is a major improvement. It flows better, and it doesn't suffer from the problem of just being a series of people yelling names of attacks over and over.

    This Chapter is a marked improvement, especially when compared to the second one. If you use this as a starting point for improvement, then this story will have some real potential.
    Last edited by An Enemy Spy; 21st February 2013 at 7:07 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by An Enemy Spy View Post
    This is for the review game. Sorry if you have trouble reading my word coloration. I use the Electric Type background so this color shows up pretty well for me, and it helps differentiate my words from yours.
    That will be no problem.

    This is way too long of an intro.
    Yeah, about that. I honestly can't really be too bothered when it comes to complaints about length. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the criticism since good, in-depth, genuine is hard to come by these days. However, I think that when complaints about lengths are a bit, I don't wanna say lazy or shallow but rather weak. Honestly, the intro was made to be as long as it needed to be to get everything across to the reader. There was no fluff in it. I can understand complaints about length if it explains rather flowery or fluffy details that won't be relevant or aren't gonna be important to the story at hand, however the things I mentioned will be brought up later. I only made it as long as it had to be ^^;;
    It feels like you're trying to explain the game mechanics to us, but unless this story takes place in an OOTS like world, people shouldn't be aware of how the game rules work. For example, in a realistic setting, fire types do damage to grass types because plants are flammable, not because fire always gets to do double damage. You could have easily pared this down to two or three paragraphs. All we need to know is that there are dragons, and that Iris wants to understand them.
    This, I agree with. I've heard similar criticize about this before, I mainly used this "movie-like" beginning to give a sense of "new intro, new beginning" to the story, that and I'm a sucker for movie-like beginning for a story. I can see how it might be a bit of a rather redundant move looking back at it now. I do think I should have focused more on the general grandeur of Dragons, Iris, village, etc. :X
    So far, this is quite good. You use proper punctuation and sentence structure, and you break the text up so I'm not staring at an impenetrable wall.
    Thank you, that was something I struggled with so it's nice to know I've improved.
    While I get that your trying to vary your vocabulary, the phrase "purloined Pokemon" really sounds kind of silly. The alliteration really takes away from the menace of these guys.
    Indeed, I can see where you're coming from with that.
    And now things are just getting silly. Nothing takes away from the excitement of a fight scene like explaining the game rules behind each attack. Unless this story literally takes place inside a video game, dialogue like this should not exist.
    I've gotten similar complaints and, once again, I agree with you. I'm actually cleaning up situations like these, I've gone back to Chapter one and given more natural and flowing justifications for such things since in real-life it does come off as awkward. Thank you for pointing these things out though.

    The fight has devolved into people just shouting out moves now. Make it seem organic and natural, with the trainers giving commands and the pokemon breathing fire and ice at each other, with the actual game moves themselves being more implied than outright stated. A dragon shooting a stream of hot orange flame is far more engaging than a dragon using Flamethrower.
    I see, I see. I actually do strive for that regularly, believe it or not. Though the battle scenes will have trainers giving commands.


    Also, this is a very drawn out fight considering that nothing seems to actually be at stake here. I think you could shorten it down to a few paragraphs. If every battle is going to be like this one, then you're going to have a lot of overly long drawn out scenes that will quickly get boring.
    I see and hear what you're saying, but again, when it comes to length and battles sometimes they're meant to be the central piece of the chapters themselves and as a way to sorta of elicit interactions, growth, etc. from the characters in an non-contrived and somewhat interesting fashion. I apologize if the battles are too long for your liking.

    Chapter Three.

    Here's an idea. You have the Baron yelling "Ice Shard" over and over again. Why not have him saying things like, "hit her with an Ice Shard!" or something like that? It haelps to vary the combat dialogue and makes it seem less stilted.
    I see.

    The action scene in this chapter is a major improvement. It flows better, and it doesn't suffer from the problem of just being a series of people yelling names of attacks over and over.

    This Chapter is a marked improvement, especially when compared to the second one. If you use this as a starting point for improvement, then this story will have some real potential.
    Thank you! I appreciate the nice words regarding Chapter three, I've actually got similar comments regarding Chapter three being a major step-up from previous chapters quite a few times. I'm actually really surprised you went and read all three of my chapters since the Review Game only requires you read and review one chapter. :P I, once again, thank you for the nice effort and review.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 22nd February 2013 at 2:38 PM.

  20. #20
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    I'm here for the review exchange we PM'd about.

    Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were executing.
    Not sure you really needed to go into that much detail lol, but I do like your opening overall.
    These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".
    I think it'd make more sense to go with "The people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. Facilities called "Gyms" specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon Gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that can be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.
    Just a minor gripe here, I really don't think you had to put quotations around every title.

    Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.
    Maybe explain what a Charizard is?

    , unfortunately for the reptilian creatures,
    I would've started a new sentence here, changing the first comma to a period, and capitalizing unfortunately.

    Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle
    Your use of the word combat is a little confusing here, how bout just "to battle with"?


    The cunning kid then slyly giggled until she saw a branch blocking her path that made her quickly take hold of it and pull herself up.
    Remove the "then" from in front of "slyly giggled".

    "I'm right here!" The Vigoroth followed her voice, but as they came vine-swinging her way, they ran into a vicious branch with their faces.
    Ryuu, her caretaker and teacher, was one of the more respected people of the village.
    The Dragon Village, a home for many people and Pokémon, was a place the girl had lived in nearly all her life and a sanctuary for the Pokémon around it.
    Several people who knew the girl smiled at her as she was running to her lesson. She simply replied with a typical greeting for each which slurred do to her all-out running.
    During the full-speed sprint, the juvenile nearly ran into a young, black-haired woman who was strolling in the opposite direction, this caused Iris to stop her race.
    Some corrections in bold. Mostly commas.

    Unfortunately, the distractions that surrounded her sometimes prevented her from doing that. Ryuu's classes were a lot of the time uninteresting, but she had a great amount of respect for the man and understood his wishes.
    No further words were exchanged until the pair finally made it to Ryuu's nursery and clinic which was a, pretty simple, brick house building.
    How bout, "which was, pretty simply, a brick house building."?

    The man had owned the clinic for around eight years and specialized not just in healing Pokémon, but treating Dragons specifically. Ever since he was a young child, he rarely saw any healers who trained specifically to take care of Dragons.
    One day, Ryuu decided he was going to change that.
    Not only that, but he would often help deliver the eggs of Dragons and ensure the safe hatching of the infants as well.
    In the room, placed in front of her and the man, was a lone egg on a table.

    With each gradual second that passed, it began to slowly take shape, a small, plump, circular body formed.
    . She sometimes would get somewhat annoyed at the constant badgering she got, but Ryuu only did this because he really wanted her to value life and her current youth, just like he once did at her age.
    "Okay then. Bye Swablu!" Iris left out of Ryuu's clinic happily.
    There's no need for the "out of".

    She jetted through the village before going to the forest, taking notice of the people and Pokémon who were out and about. Iris looked around with a bubbly expression on her face and held her arms out, as if she were an airplane, taking off, waving to each person she passed by.
    Even though she didn't have her parents, she was lucky enough to live in a village that had people who cared for her
    She tried very often, but her efforts often had little to no effect. Once she made it to the area in the forest, she met a Dragon that was completely encased in a large, dome-like, gray shell.
    She opened her eyes and realized she understood nothing about the Dragon's heart, much to her disappointment.
    "Shel," the Endurance Pokémon growled once before going on his own way, knowing that the chances of success would be slim as usual.
    A few hours later, she woke up, yawned, opened her eyes and stretched, feeling small pops from her bones as she got limber.
    She jogged instead of walking with Swablu, flying closely in front, continuously chirping.
    Just when she was about to enter the village, the Cotton Bird began to peck her head, pointing to a tree.
    When she got a full view of it all, she started filling up with a mixture of emotions, mostly fear.
    Most hid in the safety of their homes and others were outside watching the situation unfold, not daring to make a move for the sake of their lives.
    Men in black, dingy clothing gathered up more and more dragons with each second that passed
    Once again though, she remembered raising and evolving Dragon Pokémon in-general has always been talked of as if it was a difficult test.
    With slightly clouded judgement, he gave a temperamental command in an attempt to end things fast.
    Hatred for Baron and what was [B]forced[/B ] upon them.
    With each whipping the Druddigon received, the image was permanently burned into her mind.
    "It's been nice doing business with you. Remember, if you try anything, they'll die."
    Putting the inefficient behavior aside, Baron walked up and got into the passenger's seat as Tommy was stationed in the driver's seat.
    "I bid you a farewell pathetic village!" Baron shouted from the window as he took off, with the rest of the men latching on from the rear and sides of the vehicle.
    If you're going to put a comma after took off, remove the "with".

    Well, that's about it I guess, I really liked this fic. It almost felt like a was reading a real published book, the descriptions are great, and the word variation is truly excellent. The story was great and well thought-out as well.

    Overall: 9.5/10

    Edit: Also, I'd like to be added to the PM list.
    Last edited by Colt45; 23rd February 2013 at 3:12 AM.
    I can smell u

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Colt45 View Post
    Not sure you really needed to go into that much detail lol, but I do like your opening overall.
    Awww, yes, true. Truth be told I only implemented the movie-like beginning due to thinking it would serve as a nice intro to the story. I never had an intentions of it being a means to introduce new readers or non-Pokemon readers to the story at all.

    Maybe explain what a Charizard is?
    I actually have a bit of a rule when it comes to describing Pokemon, Pokemon like Charizard, imo, don't need *much* description given it's a very known Pokemon and quite popular. A Pokemon like Druddigon for example, I feel would be better spent describing.


    Well, that's about it I guess, I really liked this fic. It almost felt like a was reading a real published book, the descriptions are great, and the word variation is truly excellent. The story was great and well thought-out as well.

    Overall: 9.5/10

    Edit: Also, I'd like to be added to the PM list.
    Sure, I don't mind adding you to the PM list and thank you for the review. Word variation and description are two things I've struggled with for quite a long time so it's good to know I did well in that regard.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu View Post
    Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!

    The night was pitch black, the darkness surely would have enveloped the forest if not for the stars above that broke through the blackness. Iris was gazing from the tree down on the poachers’ campsite, she got a nice aerial view of everything around the area. Standing next to her, technically flapping, was a small white-and-blue bird Pokemon. He attempted to communicate, using gestures, over their current situation.
    "Iris was gazing from the down to the poachers' campsite, and she got a nice aerial view..."

    "hovering" would probably be a better term than "flapping," as well.

    “I can sneak over there, I just gotta be careful.” Iris whispered only for the Swablu to overdramatically gulp.

    The only thing standing in front of her was that incompetent poacher watching over the beasts. Iris still was hesitant had no one there to confine her feelings to except Swablu. She would have to sneak toward the vehicle via navigating the trees that stood around the campsite to avoid getting seen.
    The sentence about Iris's feelings is confusing. You could probably cut it down to just a description of Iris being hesitant, unless it looks odd because there is a word missing. I think there might be, but I'm not quite sure what's missing where.

    “Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.
    It would probably sound better like this: "...Iris said, confident in her plan. Swablu was still wary of the idea, though, given it seemed like it would work in Iris's head.

    Both glared at each other momentarily as Iris nodded and the Flying-type took off en route to the cage. On the trip there he flew over various tents that littered the land below which reminded him once again he knew the minute he came with Iris that even trying to free the Dragons would be a risky move to make. Though he once again remembered how firm the young girl was in her convictions. As the bird came within range of the poacher, he noticed the man almost seemed to be nodding off into a sleep on his own and was barely being kept from falling into a slumber by a red, furry puppy that had its body decorated with black strips.
    The second sentence is a run-on that desperately needs to be corrected via breaking up and reformatting.

    “Okay, well you gotta g-”

    “Swaalalalala,” the man was interrupted by a flow of sound that poured from Swablu’s beak. Tommy and his canine were entranced by the sweet music in mere seconds, though Growlithe fought to stay awake her body betrayed her. The young adult had slumped to the ground quietly like a toddler.

    “Yes! Nice job!” Iris congratulated Swablu upon climbing down from the tree. As far as the plan went Swablu had successfully taken the poacher out of play. Iris went over and peered into the cage that housed the kidnapped reptiles. A sickening scent immediately attacked her nose before she even saw what she was looking at.

    The stint of blood, the blood that belonged to the Druddigon wrapped together with her mate. The same Pokémon Baron had whipped prior to stealing.
    That's a pretty powerful sensory image, both in sight and smell. Good, efficient use of description here really gets the point across. Good work.

    “Druddigon?” Iris reached her arm between the bars enough to stroke the body of the bloody Cave Pokémon as she sniffed at the air curiously, confirming to herself that the presence was of someone from the Dragon Village. Inching in a little closer Iris managed to feel the Pokémon’s chest and could sense her vibrant heartbeat. “Please speak to me.” Iris got a little louder, her voice reflective of her concern.
    This is a little confusing, because I can't tell who is sniffing at the air. The sentence first implies it's Iris, but then it goes on to suggest that Druddigon is detecting the scent of the Dragon Village, meaning it's Druddigon instead.

    “I think not little girl.” That voice, she turned around and met eyes with Baron. She could smell the thick scent of cologne as he walked closer, the young girl shot a leer right at him with no fear of making eye-contact. All Iris saw was a worthless, sadistic, thief strolling toward her. After all she had gone through he wasn't going to come out without wounds.
    I'm curious. If his cologne was that strong, wouldn't she have smelled him before he got her attention verbally?

    “You monster! Fury Attack!” The Cotton Bird Pokémon violently attacked Baron as if he was a vector for Iris’s anger.
    A 'vector?'

    “****! Stop it!” Baron swatted at the Pokémon who kept unleashing a barrage of furious pecks on him.

    “Serves you right!” Iris ran over to the cage and screamed, “Everyone! You have to break this cage, somehow, there’s no time for me to free you!” Some of the creatures responded, others simply didn’t, which was a sure fire sign of their broken spirits. Almost as if they had accepted their awful fates. The determined child found a nicely sized rock on the ground and began to beat at the lock with all her might. “I’m gonna get you all out!”

    “Swablublublu!” The Pokémon had done a nice job of keeping Baron contained in one spot as his sharp beak continued to stab Baron’s skin. Small bloody spots had punctured from the repeated wear and tear. Baron grabbed for a Poké Ball in his pocket while trying to shield his face from the angry bird’s onslaught.

    “Weavile, kill that useless thing!” The Sharp Claw Pokémon appeared from the white-and-red sphere, clearly still tired from the earlier duel with Dragonite. Nonetheless the Ice-type separated Swablu from Baron with a quick rush which forced him to the ground hard.
    Who was forced to the ground?

    Iris was still working on the lock which was nowhere near as deterred from the repeated hits with the stone, she turned her head to see Swablu evading a crystal-looking blast from Weavile. Her heart immediately started racing.
    Nowhere near as deterred as what? What is the lock's level of deterrence being compared to?

    “It’s waking up,” Iris looked at the two Druddigon from in the prison who didn't know who the dark-cellmate was, neither did the other Dragons.
    I think you should change 'dark' to 'darkened,' remove the hyphen and add "and" after "was" among other changes. It would then read like this: "...the two Druddigon in the prison didn't know who the darkened cellmate was, and neither did the other Dragons."

    “Ice Shard!” More cold stones crashed into the mobile confinement, creating even more boisterous rounding that resonated throughout the cage. Like before the resting creature was clearly getting more unnerved as it tossed and turned.

    ”Maybe, just maybe. That Dragon could be strong enough to break free and save the day!”

    "Swaaa."

    “Hey, Swablu, in front of the cage, over here!

    “She’s playing with me,” Baron had an increasing feeling of irritation gradually creep up on him. “Weavile, for the last time, hit that little annoyance!”

    Weavile created the biggest piece of ice yet, being nearly the size of a boulder, the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type. It was promptly evaded and slammed the jail hard, creating the most intense eruption of crying from the metal it impacted against. That was the last straw.
    That sounds a bit much to merely be an Ice Shard. It almost sounds more like an Avalanche attack, if anything.

    The titan had awoken.

    “Raaawwwwwrrrrr!”

    A piercing screech from behind the young lady literally could have broken her eardrums. Iris turned quickly to see the dark figure rising to the roof of the cage, she was elated to see it had come to life. Baron’s blood had gone cold when he saw the hellish faces of the creature.

    Two small heads functioned as hands for the Dragon as well as a main head in the middle that was dark-blue with demonic, fuchsia eyes. Two useless legs limped in the air as the draconian, pitch-black wings gave the Pokémon the ability of flight.
    I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that it's a Hydreigon. I thought for a while that you might have been playing loosely with the definition of "dragon" and that it would be a Charizard.

    “Rawwwrrrr!” The monster’s voice blasted from all three heads which made Baron jump and surely awoke the other sleeping poachers.
    I think the cry would read in a more menacing way if you used "dreiii" or some other variant taken from Hydreigon's name.

    “You little *****! Look what you’ve caused!” Baron’s eyes were bullets trained on Iris, though Iris’s attention was registered completely on the Brutal Pokémon before her. She had never seen one of those before. The child was engrossed as she watched the creature writhe around the closed space, firing a blaze in all directions.

    Unfortunately, a few of the other Dragons were almost hit by the attack. The male Druddigon did his best to shield his female counterpart from the fire, especially in her already severe state. Shelgon put up a barrier that they all gathered near that managed to keep them guarded from the flames.
    I'd recommend elaborating a tiny bit on the female Druddigon's severe state. Also, "keep them guarded" in context would read better as "keep themselves guarded."

    “Swabluuuuu!” Meanwhile, still tangoing with Weavile, the Cotton Bird Pokémon came drilling down with his beak having grown little over half a foot long. The Ice-type was dive bombed in the same manner as he was when defeated by Dragonite.

    “Losing to the old bag and being beaten by a Pokémon that’s not even close to your speed?! ****! Why are you so useless!?” Weavile tried to not be phased by the insult and conjured more Ice Shards which were not hitting their mark. Swablu’s ability of flight combined with fatigue from battling Dragonite made such a task especially difficult.
    "fazed," and the wording of the Ice Shard part is a little shaky tense-wise. The correct way to say it would probably be "did not hit their mark."

    The Ice-type moves jetted through the air, each being dodged and hammering the cage which elicited more anger from the Dragon called “Hydreigon.” Iris had broken from her study when a blast of fire came close to hitting her.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Pokémon’s eyes turned a bloody red as its whole body seemed to emit a ruby aura, this gave an even more terrifying appearance to the Pokémon who started attacking the cage head on and thrashing at it unrelentingly. Each ringing of the cage in-sync with Baron’s fearful heartbeats, before long bars were down, freeing the raging atrocity as well as nearly every other Dragon who saw a chance at freedom and took it with no hesitation. Only two remained, the male Druddigon was doing his best to steadily help his hurt mate toward freedom.
    Outrage?

    Also, I really like the little side bit with the Druddigon. It's not a major part of the story, but it gives the reader a little look into how these creatures operate in their own internal society.

    “Swablu! Give me a hand!” Iris bellowed for her little friend who had no problem following orders. The Brutal Pokémon sent a chain of flames at Weavile from all three heads which enveloped the Pokemon’s whole body, the Ice-type immediately fell to the ground in a near-death state.

    “I caught you once and I can do it again!” Baron pulled out a black-and-yellow Poké Ball. Before running away Iris feared for the Brutal Pokemon’s safety and tried to give a message to flee.

    “You have to run! You’re free now!” Iris’s words fell on deaf ears as the Hydreigon ejected another shower of fire in a random area, “Why aren’t you listening, you have to run! You! Have! To! Run!” Iris shouted at the furious brute, taking deep breaths between each word.
    I get images of the Dragon Village episode of the anime here, and I have to say that I like it.

    “After I contain it you’re next brat. You seriously don’t think I’m going to let you get away with losing my profit?” Iris’s previous boiling nature resurfaced, she had nearly forgotten about the leader of the gang. “So, you think you’re hot **** because that squirt was outclassing Weavile? Abomasnow, get its attention!”
    There needs to be a comma between "it" and "you're" as well as between "next" and "brat." In addition, the non-dialogue sentence between the two pieces of dialogue feels unnecessary here. It could probably be moved somewhere else where it more directly links to the dialogue.

    From the Ultra Ball came a creature covered in thick, chalky fur. It charged a mass of ice in its green hands, pitching it directly at Hydreigon who was knocked cleanly by the move in its enraged state.

    “He doesn't belong to you!”

    “Is that so? If I catch it, like any other person would, it technically belongs to me. Besides, who are you to tell me what and what I don’t own? Don’t worry, you’ll learn your place when I catch it again.” A sadistic grin formed around his face as Hydreigon approached.
    I like it when villains use this logic, because if you think about it, it's correct. If he catches Hydreigon it does technically belong to him.

    “Swabluuu,” he insinuated worriedly to Iris.

    “Escape? But, what about him?” Iris sympathetically looked at Hydreigon. “Well, I can at least help the Druddigon escape.”

    Meanwhile, now coming to his senses was Tommy who rubbed his head and felt soft debris on his body.

    “What’s going on...?” He examined himself and Growlithe as he heard the ruckus and saw Baron’s Abomasnow engaged with a Hydreigon. He looked to his left to see Iris helping the Druddigon duo flee the scene by entering the thickness of the forest.

    “Come on, you’ll be okay!” Iris had the female Druddigon’s right arm wrapped around her shoulder. “You two can get away while he’s busy!” Iris felt Tommy’s stare trained on her, she glanced to the left and looked right into his eyes. Tommy did not say anything, Iris did not speak either. Her eyes were a mirror that told an infuriated story of passion, those eyes were ones he would never forget.

    The eyes of angry compassion like the rage of a Dragon itself. With Growlithe in-tow he ran away from the area as hastily as he could. Swablu kept a watching eye on the bout between the two fully-evolved Pokemon.
    That was a great passage. In just a few paragraphs and lines we got an excellently vivid picture of Iris's character. Well done here.

    Neither side looked like they were going to give in, however in the blink of an eye, Hydreigon spat a Flamethrower that ripped through Abomasnow’s fur. Doing its best to keep itself together, the Frost Tree Pokémon blew a very chilly wind that the Brutal Pokémon evaded with ease.

    The Dragon swooped down in a flash and barred its sharp, carnivorous fangs, biting down unrelentingly on Abomasnow’s arm. The Ice-type cried out for the simple freedom of the bite however Hydreigon got more agitated and forced its teeth deeper into the Frost Tree Pokémon’s flesh.
    "bared," not "barred." "Carnivorous" isn't really a great word to use to describe fangs though I can see a way it could work. I would recommend not using the species names of Pokemon so often - "Frost Tree Pokemon" is used twice in rapid succession. "Simple freedom of the bite" doesn't make sense; it should be "cried out for simple freedom from the bite."

    Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly, soon Hydreigon let go only after the Pokémon had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very Brutal Pokémon had forced upon one of Baron’s.
    Run-on sentence. Rewrite it like this: "Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, but all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly. Soon, Hydreigon let go, but only after Abomasnow had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very brutal Pokemon had forced upon one of Baron's."

    “This **** isn’t worth it!” Baron returned his Grass-type, most of the other poachers had gotten the right idea and already fled the scene after waking up. “Fearow, abort!”
    "and" needs to go between "Grass-type" and "most."

    The large beak-having bird appeared from a Poké Ball, he boarded it in an attempt to escape. Despite nearly being blasted out of the air by Flamethrowers from Hydreigon he had gotten away. Meanwhile, Iris and the Druddigon had covered half a mile.
    This is very awkwardly worded. "The bird with a large beak" is a better way to describe Fearow, and you need to clarify who the "he" is that boarded it.

    “This is far enough, you two go. I have to go help Swablu and that other Dragon somehow.”

    “Drudd,” the male nodded as him and the female continued the trek toward the Dragon Village.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Brutal Pokémon continued to fly around, spitting more flames at everything and anything in its path. Many forest Pokémon had ran away from the area due to the dangerous situation as well as the unearthly noise that belonged to Hydreigon. Iris made it back to the poachers’ site running full speed, she was glad to see them gone.
    I feel you need more description of Iris traveling around, because this feels really abrupt to have her moving long distances so fast.

    “Thank you! You scared them away, now’s let g-” A trail of fire shot near her, nearly setting the tree next to her on fire.
    That could be worded a little better. There's two uses of "fire" in one sentence, and I would think the tree would be lit up if the fire was that close to it.

    “Swabluuu,” the Pokémon frantically flew back toward Iris, struggling to stay mobile. The feathers on his body were charred, the fire had only grazed him but had done a significant amount of damage while trying to put the terrorizing creature to sleep. She caught the small bird and held him in her arms.
    That second sentence is a bit confusing to read. It starts out okay but around "while trying to put the terrorizing creature to sleep" you start getting muddled. A way to fix this would be "...had done a significant amount of damage while he tried to put the creature to sleep."

    Another general tip, try to stay consistent on tenses.

    Iris looked down at the burnt feathers, Swablu couldn’t help but feel bad for the tears that were making ready to spill over the child’s eyelashes.
    Rearrange the words in this sentence. It's a good line, but the wording is a little out of whack - try "Iris looked down at Swablu's burnt feathers, and Swablu couldn't help but feel bad over the tears Iris was about to shed."

    “Rawwwwwrrr!” The blustering cry from the fully-evolved Dragon was a sign of attack as it expelled another burst of fire toward Swablu and Iris, the girl was surprised to look up and see she and the bird were not hit as the raging beast’s fire was intercepted by a similar attack.
    Put "but" between "Iris" and "the girl."

    “Druddigon!” The male Cave Pokémon came racing in and was the owner of the smaller flame that collided with it, making a strong eruption of power. The constant fire close-calls were starting to get to Iris though as she wiped the sweat from her forehead and did her best to console her injured friend in her arms.
    Another line that's good in thought but suffers due to wording. Let me fix this one: first, I wouldn't have Druddigon say its whole name, because this causes the scene to become confusing due to it looking like Iris is speaking.

    Or try this: ""Druddigon!" cried the male Cave Pokemon as he came racing in, having blocked Hydreigon's attack. Despite this, her constant close calls with the fire were starting to get to Iris, and she wiped the sweat from her forehead while consoling her injured friend."

    “Drudd!” Iris couldn’t forget about the still agonized female Druddigon that limped with the help of her mate, she assumed she had made it to the village alright. The maiden looked up at the horrendous face of Hydreigon once more as it continued its rampage, trying kill anything that so much as moved, viewing it as an enemy.
    Too many uses of "she." This is a problem because it creates confusion between Iris and the female Druddigon in the narration. Other than that, drop the "limped with the help of her mate" part and clarify the last part to make it clear that Hydreigon is viewing things as enemies instead of Iris. Otherwise, this one is good.

    The Cave Pokémon stepped up to try and take on the destructive monstrosity, getting away from the other Dragon Villagers for their safety.

    “I don’t know what I did, I thought he would listen if he got free....” she cuddled the poor soul who cooed softly in her arms while they watched the fighting Dragons.
    Who is the one who got away from the other Dragon Villagers, Druddigon or Iris?

    “Druddi!” The Pokémon had two cerulean claws ready to attack Hydreigon, the large creature leapt into the air and slashed violently. Hydreigon dodged the close-range attack however, the ability to fly made an earth-bound Pokémon’s job much harder. As the Cave Pokémon fell back to the ground his wings worked as a parachute to cushion the force of the fall.
    Add "and" between "Hydreigon" and "the" in the first non-quote sentence. Move the comma in the second sentence to between "attack" and "however," and put a semicolon between "however" and "the."

    A cluster of turquoise balls darted from the main head of Hydreigon, to counter Druddigon discharged globs of brown-purple filth that met and made an explosion that ripped through the air so hard Hydreigon was fanned back a significant amount. Druddigon was calm and cool and made sure to watch closely and leave no room for error.
    "and" goes between "Hydreigon" and "to." Also, I think you could find better words for description here besides such things as "balls" and "globs", and the color description is a little bit clumsy-sounding.

    Next up Hydreigon attempted to go in for a close-quarters attack by showing its vicious choppers and hurrying toward the Cave Pokémon. Iris saw the blood-stained fangs and cringed all the while getting more and more unnerved the longer the barbaric beast kept up its assault.
    Remove "up," and don't use "choppers" as a synonym for "teeth" or "fangs." It's not a word that can be taken seriously easily.

    Hydreigon chomped down on Druddigon, its grip was quickly broken, the inside of its mouth had been scissored by the rough, spiky skin of Druddigon. The red-and-blue creature retaliated by knocking the bleeding Dragon across the face with a Dragon Claw that forced it to the ground.
    Second sentence is fine, but the first is a run-on with too many commas that needs to be broken up.

    Iris saw blood leak from the Brutal Pokémon’s mouth and began to shiver. She cared about Druddigon and wanted him to survive but she didn’t want harm to come to Hydreigon either. The battle was turning into a very scary, deadly sight.

    Druddigon made ready to go in for another Dragon Claw though the incoming Pokémon was hit by a Flamethrower that forced him to the ground after he jumped.

    Hydreigon’s body and eyes glowed a deep red as he raced at Druddigon and unleashed all of his rage in the form of punching and thrashing that the Pokémon did his best to endure. It wasn’t easy, gradually the Cave Pokémon gave way and fell while Hydreigon’s Outrage continued to batter him.
    Put "and" between "easy" and "gradually."

    “Raawwrrr!” After the storm of hits had ended Hydreigon rose to the air menacingly and readied a Flamethrower to finish Druddigon for good.

    “Don’t do it! Please!” Iris’s face was covered with tears that dropped lightly on Swablu who had blacked-out some moments prior. The trapped flames overflowed from the monster’s mouth and Iris gave one last futile scream before the attack was fully charged, just when Hydreigon made ready to let loose the move.

    “Brrrrraugh!” it was boxed in the face by a fiery fist.

    “Dragonite!” Iris’s tears ceased momentarily.

    “I’m so glad you’re okay!” Mira came running in behind Iris, bending down on her knees and hugging her graciously with tears running down her face. Ryuu appeared behind his daughter and glared up at the Hydreigon. Before it could even react to the Fire Punch, a Dragon Claw smashed into its stomach.
    This is good, but you need some description beyond "boxed in the face by a fiery fist" to indicate Dragonite's arrival. That part was rather hard to follow.

    “Rawwwrr!” The rage continued as Hydreigon created another Flamethrower.

    “End this Dragonite! Thunderbolt! Shelgon, Hydro Pump!” Ryuu commanded.
    Put a comma between "this" and "Dragonite."

    Iris looked over to see Mira’s Pokémon was indeed there as well, she hadn’t even noticed. The Dragon Pokémon generated a storm of electricity that zapped Hydreigon complemented by a pump of water from the Endurance Pokémon that amplified the attack. The Brutal Pokémon was unable to spew flames, it also struggled to move as sparks surged from its body.
    Using species names to describe all three of the Pokemon is a little confusing, especially with Dragonite, who is just the "Dragon" Pokemon - something all of them technically are.

    “Paralysis,” the man pulled out a Poké Ball similar to the one Baron had, “Ultra Ball, Hydreigon!” Ryuu launched the capsule at the Dragon and the strong sphere forced the beaten-up Brutal Pokémon inside. There was an internal struggle that caused the sphere to wiggle for a few seconds but it soon stopped as indicated by a small spring of sparkles popped from it.

    “It’s all over,” Ryuu closed his eyes and looked at the surrounding area, surveying the damage.

    “Ryuu,” Iris bawled softly while making her way over to her caretaker with Swablu still in her arms. “Is Druddigon going to be okay?!” Ryuu didn’t have the heart to try to sugarcoat anything so he simply said.

    “I don’t know,” solemnly as he marched over to the severely hurt Cave Pokémon with Iris following closely behind.
    "Bawled" isn't really a word that lends itself to a soft sound. "Whimpered" would probably be better.

    Having the description of Ryuu's emotions and his action ("simply said") on a line separate from his actual dialogue, which the action descriptor is describing, isn't correct. The way you worded those parts, Ryuu's dialogue should be together with the description.

    “What about Swablu?!” she held out her palms with the bird peacefully sleeping in them.

    “Don’t worry about this, leave it to me.” The elder man went over the Druddigon and put him inside a Poké Ball. Mira picked up the captured Hydreigon’s Ultra Ball and pocketed it.

    “Iris, let’s go home,” Mira said with tears still pooled in her eyes from reuniting with Iris. “Give Swablu to me,” Iris handed her the senseless Pokémon with care.
    "Senseless" isn't the right word to describe Swablu here, but I'm not entirely sure what it is you're going for so I can't really give you good advice on what to use to replace it.

    “Dragonite, this is urgent!” Ryuu called to his guardian, ready to take flight, securing Swablu and the Ultra Ball from Mira with Druddigon’s Poké Ball as well. “I promise I’ll do everything I can.” He left her with few words while Dragonite raced off to the village with an earnest sense of urgency.

    “Let’s go Iris, we’ll walk together,” The young girl sobbed with Mira putting her arm around her shoulder benevolently.
    Restate the description after Mira's line so it sounds a bit smoother; try something like "Iris was sobbing, so Mira put her arm around her friend's shoulder as they walked."

    Iris stood outside the medical tent set-up near Ryuu’s clinic, unsurprisingly, quite a few people were concerned for her and welcomed her back with hugs and smiles. Though there was no reason to celebrate or be happy, inside the setup facility was her mentor himself performing critical surgery on Druddigon. The Cave Pokémon certainly had taken a lot of detriment from Hydreigon.
    That comma between "clinic" and "unsurprisingly" would probably work better as a semicolon. "However" would sound better than "though" at the beginning of the second sentence, with a comma after it. "As" or "for" should be between "happy" and "inside." "Detriment" isn't the kind of word I'd use in this context; try something that more directly means injury or physical damage.

    “Swa,” the tiny bird swooped in with bandages around his body.

    “I’m glad you’re okay, I feel really guilty.”

    “Swabluululu,” the Pokémon tried to snap Iris out of her saddened mood. Mira appeared from the tent abruptly.

    “Well, the female Druddigon’s wounds have been treated, though most of the pain had to do with what’s in her stomach,” Mira explained.
    Well, that explains the male Druddigon's urgent need to protect her. Nice little twist there.

    “Are you saying?” Iris’s eyes widened.

    “She’s pregnant and due in a little while, can’t give an estimate on her time. Though I’m sure the egg will make it out fine, despite the amount of abuse she suffered...” Mira bit her lip.

    “Mira, I need your assistance!” Ryuu called for his daughter to return.

    “Be right back.”

    “She’s pregnant and the baby’s gonna be okay, that’s the one good thing to come out of this,” Iris chatted with the Cotton Bird Pokémon. She was getting tired, she didn’t leave the medical tent but simply sat down near the entrance and rested her eyes until she fell into a warm, light nap with Swablu nestled in her arms.
    In this part, I particularly like the last lines, the ones that focus on Iris until she falls asleep. It's subtle, but we get a look there at the part of Iris's personality that is unsure and seems a bit frustrated about being unable to do anything.

    “Iris.....psh...Iris. Daddy needs you to come into the tent,” Iris rubbed her eyes until the blur disappeared revealing the tan face of Mira. She did what was told without a word, mostly due to her groggy state.

    “Iris...” Ryuu bit his tongue. “I need you to say goodbye to Druddigon...” Iris’s face immediately lost its color as it was obvious what she was about to do.

    “No tears,” Mira bent down to the child’s level. “Druddigon wants to hear your voice," she said as the young girl walked over to the being as Ryuu stood by.

    “Druddigon, I’m so so sorry. I’m was stupid to think that Dragon would help us and now you’re like this!” she wiped the drops of water from her face. Ryuu placed his hand on the Cave Pokemon’s chest and closed his eyes.

    “He says that you made a mistake, that’s okay. He was glad that before his mate left this world she was able to give birth to the egg containing their child safely,” Ryuu translated. Iris immediately came to the realization that from that news the female Druddigon passed away while in labor.

    “What have I done?” Iris fell to her knees, putting her face to the floor and sobbing loudly. “There’s nothing I can do to apologize!” Iris’s guilt nearly overtook her while the man did his best to keep his composure and continue translating.

    “Don’t worry about that at all. Just promise to be good friends with my kid,” The Cave Pokémon smirked as Ryuu said that, Mira lifted Iris up from the ground and handed her a red and blue egg with a crooked yellow pattern running through the middle from left to right. Iris gaped down at the egg, halting her crying.

    “Ryuu, I thought Druddigon wanted to continue on. I thought I understood.”

    “No,” Ryuu was stern but calm, “If you really had understood Druddigon’s heart you would have realized that his wishes were to end the pain. Druddigon has suffered many serious injuries beyond repair, even attempting to live would be a burden on him. There would have to be surgeries often every few years or possibly months, foods he wouldn’t be able to eat at all, I’m not even sure if he could ever walk again. Being a wild Pokémon, that’s a necessity for life.”

    Iris felt even more terrible about what had happened, though Druddigon was looking at her with a sympathetic face that told her not to weep any further.

    Still, with the Druddigon-themed egg in her hands, she slumped and looked at a table, sitting there was the Ultra Ball. Mira looked at Iris warmly.

    “If you want to know, that Dragon is called Hydreigon and I’m almost positive it isn’t from around here in the main village. Probably lives in a den somewhere and it’s going to be okay, that species is known for their power and resilience.” Mira informed, Iris forgot about the Brutal Pokémon for a second and just observed the Cave Pokémon.

    “Goodbye, Druddigon,” Iris said one last time, still caressing the egg that contained the Dragon life as she fell asleep from sheer exhaustion right then and there. She had been completely worn-out and mentally drained, trying to fight to stay awake would have been a meaningless struggle.

    After that event Iris learned a lot. She learned about the evil within humans and the evil within Pokémon. She learned about life and death a bit more. Her own ideals about cherishing what was near and dear to her were strengthened that day. She learned about never taking life for granted. One thing in particular stuck out to Iris, the one thing she knew. She had never feared a Dragon in her life, she thought she had warm feelings for nearly all Dragons she encountered, however, now she knew that wasn’t the case.

    She was afraid of Hydreigon.
    That was intense. I didn't want to comment on any turns in the story and break up that scene, because it was perfect. I think this scene was a perfect summary of just what everything this story is about - Iris having to learn some rough lessons about life, and seeing that not everything goes right but conversely that some clouds do indeed have silver linings. Very emotionally intense.

    I also noticed an improvement in the writing technique for this final scene. I have to mention that, because if you can apply lessons from writing that scene to the rest of the future chapters, things will improve greatly.

    I hope you don't take this review the wrong way because I primarily focused on advice regarding technical aspects. I truly did enjoy the chapter for its content; Iris was so perfectly in-character that I could easily see her growing into her eventual canon self, and the trials she was forced to face were truly intense in both a physical and an emotional sense. The Druddigon scene at the end was especially gut-wrenching, yet you could see Iris growing even while it was playing out.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 9th March 2013 at 10:06 AM.

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  23. #23
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    Hello there, I'm re-reviewing chapter three for the review game.

    Opening: I don't think you need to mention that it's night in the opening of this chapter because following the description of the sky and how dark it is in the forest, readers can already figure out for themselves that it's night. You should cut The night was pitch black part and open with The darkness surely would have enveloped the forest...

    Scene: I liked the dark scene because it makes a good contrast with the confident Iris and how it rubs off on Swablu who acts very adorable in this chapter.

    “Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.
    This part really lives up to it's title which is why I really enjoyed the scene in this part.

    Ending: All the action in the fic gave it a really good conclusion to the chapter. I think the ending is my favourite part of the chapter because of how sharply it reads out to me. Iris really had a strong reality check there.

    Enjoyment: As you may have already known, I really enjoy the story so far because I enjoy Iris as a character and I find it refreshing the way you write her. You've left open many brilliant routes for some very good character development for Iris.
    Last edited by ChloboShoka; 10th March 2013 at 6:24 PM.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    That's a pretty powerful sensory image, both in sight and smell. Good, efficient use of description here really gets the point across. Good work.
    Thank you, description isn't a strong suit for me so it's good to know I managed to do well in some instances.

    I'm curious. If his cologne was that strong, wouldn't she have smelled him before he got her attention verbally?
    It was strong, true, but something she simply ignored while she focused on the main cause for concern - the Dragons - she didn't really get as huge an impact of it until that moment.

    A 'vector?'

    A funnel or point so to speak, I should have made that clearer.

    I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that it's a Hydreigon. I thought for a while that you might have been playing loosely with the definition of "dragon" and that it would be a Charizard.
    Picking Hydreigon for this role was easy, given their natural instinct for chaos and destruction. I also felt like it would convey much more intense feeling given the rather monstrous appearance of the Pokemon itself. Charizard wouldn't really work for what I have planned for this little plot with the Pokemon itself later down the road.


    I think the cry would read in a more menacing way if you used "dreiii" or some other variant taken from Hydreigon's name.
    I was actually planning to do that at first, one of the reasons I was against it is because some Pokemon don't actually scream their names. I figured it would be better since Hydreigon is going wild and crazy and naturally, in the anime for example, Hydreigon don't actually say their names like other Pokemon do at some points. It's more of a generic roar, though thank you for the advice on it. I'll keep it in mind for the future.

    Outrage?
    Indeed it is Outrage, I'll convey attacks in a few different ways depending on what Pokemon is using it. For example, the Dragonair line is known for their ability to control weather so an Outrage from them(When they're really out-of-control and/or extremely powerful as this Hydreigon) would be vastly different from an Outrage from a Hydreigon.
    Also, I really like the little side bit with the Druddigon. It's not a major part of the story, but it gives the reader a little look into how these creatures operate in their own internal society.
    Thank you, I try to throw little moment in there.

    I get images of the Dragon Village episode of the anime here, and I have to say that I like it.
    Thanks, the Village of Dragon isn't even prominent in-game so I did borrow from other sources of canon at times. Though the Dragon Village in this fic. still has quite a few differences from the anime's, for example this one houses a few foreign Pokemon and foreign Dragons. Being outside of Unova and the natural presence of it being a sanctuary for Dragons, I figured it was for the best. Though there aren't that many non-Unova non-Dragon Pokemon there but, still a few.(The Vigoroth family is the only one that has appeared thus far) Naturally, Ryuu imported some Dragons from other locations and trainers came back and forth between the village with different species of Dragon families slowly populating the areas further.(Trapinch, Swablu, Shelgon, etc.) There are quite a few of them en masse(Druddigon). Even Ryuu's Dragonite is the only known Dragonite in the Village of Dragons and there are some very rare ones.(Charmander)

    I like it when villains use this logic, because if you think about it, it's correct. If he catches Hydreigon it does technically belong to him.
    My main problem with Baron is he's more of a generic villain than anything, typical bad guy does bad things for money type guy. It's not a main cause for concern since, looking back, he and the poachers were more of plot-devices than anything for the impending set-up waiting in the future. Though I still at least tried to make him somewhat entertaining, if anything.


    I feel you need more description of Iris traveling around, because this feels really abrupt to have her moving long distances so fast.
    Oh, yes, pacing has always been one of main pieces of folly I've been trying to be wary of. Thank you for it out because it's really helpful and tells me what I need to keep an eye on.

    Well, that explains the male Druddigon's urgent need to protect her. Nice little twist there.
    It's mostly my attempt to tie things to canon in a somewhat interesting way.

    In this part, I particularly like the last lines, the ones that focus on Iris until she falls asleep. It's subtle, but we get a look there at the part of Iris's personality that is unsure and seems a bit frustrated about being unable to do anything.
    Considering I've always been, once again, hesitant of how to write scenes of inner weakness this is good to know.

    That was intense. I didn't want to comment on any turns in the story and break up that scene, because it was perfect. I think this scene was a perfect summary of just what everything this story is about - Iris having to learn some rough lessons about life, and seeing that not everything goes right but conversely that some clouds do indeed have silver linings. Very emotionally intense.

    I also noticed an improvement in the writing technique for this final scene. I have to mention that, because if you can apply lessons from writing that scene to the rest of the future chapters, things will improve greatly.
    Thank you, that really means a lot to me. I'm very honored to have such words.
    I hope you don't take this review the wrong way because I primarily focused on advice regarding technical aspects.
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with the review, criticism is expected in a review of a fic. and I appreciate the fact I get it. As I've said before, good critique really can be hard to come by and this review you offered gave me quite a few aspects of things I have been and am working harder toward making better. Even though I didn't reply to your grammatical quotes, I very muck acknowledge them and are keeping the errors I made in mind for the future.
    I truly did enjoy the chapter for its content; Iris was so perfectly in-character that I could easily see her growing into her eventual canon self, and the trials she was forced to face were truly intense in both a physical and an emotional sense. The Druddigon scene at the end was especially gut-wrenching, yet you could see Iris growing even while it was playing out.
    I appreciate that, I actually didn't expect the Druddigon scene to have any impact given the readers weren't really connected to the Pokemon themselves.

    Still, thank you very much for this review and I'm very glad you took the time to write it out and read my story.


    Quote Originally Posted by ChloboShoka View Post
    Scene: I liked the dark scene because it makes a good contrast with the confident Iris and how it rubs off on Swablu who acts very adorable in this chapter.
    Thank you, I try to characterize even Pokemon.
    Ending: All the action in the fic gave it a really good conclusion to the chapter. I think the ending is my favourite part of the chapter because of how sharply it reads out to me. Iris really had a strong reality check there.
    That was the plan, indeed, things don't always go as expected and in real life there are consequences for reckless actions. Even if the reckless actions have good intentions, she helped free the Dragons at the cost of the life of the two Druddigon she cared so much about and gaining a new found outlook on a certain Dragon-type. However, there were still some successes in the reckless behavior, saving the egg of the parents and ultimately saving the Dragons.

    Enjoyment: As you may have already known, I really enjoy the story so far because I enjoy Iris as a character and I find it refreshing the way you write her. You've left open many brilliant routes for some very good character development for Iris.
    Thank you! Again, that's what I was going for. Thank you for the review, once again.
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 6th April 2013 at 6:37 PM.

  25. #25
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    A/N:Here we go, I hit the ground running a bit. The aftermath of everything and the leap toward Iris's future with Drayden. I am bit nervous about a few idea I implemented in this chapter, though it took a while and I appreciate any and all criticism I can get.

    Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!

    “Welcome to the Village of Dragons! I hope you all enjoyed your time on Virbank City Virga Traveling! Where destinations near, in, and around Unova are just a boat ride away!”

    The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky.

    One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years.

    “Ryuu’s clearly found success in his endeavor....” Drayden kept examining the world around him.

    It was a very nice day for the residents of the village; the weather was akin to something Drayden might see in the tropical climate of Undella Town. Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man’s mind.

    As a trainer and person who was committed to the development of imperative aspects in his life, he was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual.

    Drayden had traveled all over the world looking for a successor, even faraway areas like Kanto and Sinnoh, and had yet to come across one person to catch his eye.

    His ultimate goal of finding a certain someone had reached its end the day he met her. Who that someone was, he simply didn’t know for the longest of time however, meeting her and being around her so long had finally made Drayden fully realize she was the one.

    The man decided to return to Unova and go back to basics a bit. It was ironic the remote Village of Dragons right outside the Unova Region was the destination where his search concluded.

    His old stomping grounds he often spent time at during his youth was a very fitting place to survey if he truly wanted to find exceptional trainers, he had an old friend that lived in the village after all.

    His companion had been a very amazing trainer in many regards and areas, unfortunately, he had never truly fostered his talents and brought out his latent potential in the same way Drayden had.

    Training and honing his own skills through experiencing the world made Drayden as strong as he was today, in mind and body. He would take on the job of bestowing his blessing on one special person who he was there to pick up. Drayden wasted no time making it toward Ryuu’s house.

    -:-

    “Yahoooo!” Iris yelled while careening from a branch, landing on the ground with ease. It didn’t matter how many times she would do that, there was always something freeing about vine-swinging that made her enjoy it so much. The feeling of flying was serene, yet exciting, the fun it gave her couldn’t be duplicated.

    “You should try this buddy! I checked over there, I didn’t find any really good looking flowers though I got us something to eat.”

    Iris’s Pokémon’s rough, red face showed a cheery grin, in her burly blue arms were a vast assortment of freshly-picked flowers. Iris pulled two Oran Berries from her pocket. She walked over and fed the Druddigon one while she took a bite out of the other. Both relished the juicy, sweetness of the fruit while staring at the batch of newly found plants in her Pokémon’s arms.

    “Those are all nice.” Iris marveled at them, “Sorry, I wasn’t too much help, I got sidetracked when I got hungry,” she continued to talk partly with her mouth full of pieces of chewed up Oran, wiping the juices from her mouth as she finished the last of it.

    “Speaking of being sidetracked, I can’t be late today, that’s a sure thing. It would look bad since it’s my last test, remember?” she said simply to her beloved Pokémon. “There’s no telling what Ryuu’s got up his sleeve, it could even be a battle against Dragonite. Imagine if you had to beat one of Ryuu’s Pokémon in order for me to pass, Dragonite maybe? Imagine, starter versus starter!”

    Druddigon looked visually unnerved by the idea of having to face off against Ryuu’s powerhouse, she knew the full-extent of Dragonite’s strength. In training sessions, Iris’s mentor wouldn’t even have his Pokémon use half of his normal dynamism, as the younger creature would easily be overwhelmed by the much more experienced Dragon.

    “Druddi,” the Pokémon attempted to protest against the idea, going up against the benevolent monstrosity, seriously, might cause her to faint on the spot. Iris was too wrapped up in her own enthusiasm however to notice.

    “After that I’ll officially be an official trainer who can catch official Pokémon and have battles being judged by official....officials,” that comment managed to elicit a light-hearted smirk from her mild-mannered beast. “Still can’t believe I got you two years ago....has it really been that long?”

    The girl looked up to the much taller Druddigon, she had come a long way from when she was just an infant Dragon. Iris had watched over her egg like a mother, and the day she hatched Iris formed a connection with her. Doing many things with her: training her, bathing her, feeding her, and even sleeping next to her at night.

    The fact she had cared so much for Druddigon since then is what led to her even being the fine Dragon she was today. Ryuu and Mira played a large role in that as well since Iris, despite tending to act more than her age at times, was only still a child herself.

    Since then Iris had sprouted a more than noticeable amount compared to her previously diminutive height. She hadn’t just changed in size either, she had a notable increase in maturity as a person. That mostly had to do with, once again, being under the watchful eyes of Mira and Ryuu, who both cared for her unconditionally.

    “It’s all so exciting, I feel like I’m gonna explode. Let’s go ahead and do what we need to do and then we can go on to Ryuu’s!”

    Druddigon just smiled while carrying the flowers in her arms, Iris ran full-speed toward where they had to go. The Cave Pokémon began to fall behind and threw caution to the wind in regards to the flowers and powered on alongside her trainer with all the speed she could muster.

    “No way I’m losing!” Iris jetted past her Pokémon, who was barely keeping up. In a matter of minutes the pair of young girls had made it to their short-distanced destination, both labored for breathing as they slowed to a gradual walk and took in the sights a bit.

    The sky had turned cloudless in the trek toward the area for their small task, allowing more rays of sunlight to grace the empty area with their presence. It was almost completely surrounded by many beautiful, white lilies that Iris always was told, by Mira, were planted there to symbolize something more.

    To make a statement about the area...to show just how much that place meant to the villagers, to show how much they strived to truly work alongside Dragons compared to the old days and how they had changed for the better.

    Iris and Druddigon trudged through the flowers and came upon two lumpy mounds of dirt. It seemed like no matter how many times they would visit the area those dirt piles would remain unchanged.

    The young girl was almost sure she could remember every speck of dirt around them, not even a stone could go unturned without her noticing. That’s just how much the range of area meant to her, it was simply the essence of life in her eyes.

    She secured the flowers from the young Pokémon’s arms and proceeded to place one of the sweet-smelling daisies on the left mound of soil. One by one she, carefully, placed the flora on the respected spot until she was down to one. Each side had an equal amount of flowers, so the very last one went right between the two graves without hesitation, somehow it felt right to her to do that.

    “This is probably gonna be our last day here for a while,” the young girl said as she patted her brawny friend’s head, trying to suppress her slightly shakened demeanor and faced the graves. “We’ll both keep training no matter what. I thought it was amazing how Ryuu was able to make you open your hearts to him so quickly, I realized the only way he was able to do that is because of how long he had been working toward it, Drayden told me that. I’m gonna be able to do the same perfectly someday, if I do it like him I’ll be able to be understand more Dragons better. That’s why I’ll keep trying.”

    Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions.

    Druddigon had no words for the occasion, opting to stay silent as she was unable to conjure any truly meaningful emotions.

    Even though they were her parents, the Pokémon didn’t feel much emotion about hovering near their graves in the same way Iris did. Druddigon didn’t know her parents and thus didn’t have any type of connection with them and couldn’t really feel any deep feelings.

    A lot of Pokémon that came from eggs didn’t even get to meet their parents, so it was hardly a travesty for her that she didn’t have the opportunity to be raised by two of her own kind. Iris(and Ryuu and Mira), filled that role very well.

    In all honesty they might as well have been two complete strangers to her, it did make her feel awkward to see Iris get so distraught by seeing them while she, herself, simply remained emotionless.

    The death of the Dragon’s mother and father was due to the devious actions of a gang of Pokémon thieves, Iris remembered it all too well. If she ever came across those low-life poachers, even one of them, ever again she would teach them a lesson for sure and get back at them for their awful deed.

    Expecting to ever see the poachers again seemed like little more than a pipe dream given that they last were seen two years ago, Iris likely would never come across them again in her life.

    The father had suffered critical injuries from dealing with a raging Hydreigon and the mother had taken a very brutal whipping, coupled with her being pregnant, she reached her limit quickly. It was especially painful and emotionally taxing with trying to protect her unborn child.

    She remembered the father requested one thing of Iris before being euthanized and, completely sticking to what the papa Dragon’s last wishes were, Iris took very good care of his child.

    She showered the Cave Pokémon with love and affection and for Iris, being an eager child herself, a natural sense of cheery behavior and care emanated from her when it came to interacting with her first ever Pokémon.

    Druddigon was unofficially Iris’s starter Pokémon, having no Poké Ball to show for it, but battling under her command loyally, more than willing to follow her orders like a true captured Pokémon would.

    Normally such Pokémon were hard to control right off the bat, the fact Iris had deepened her relationship with her since her birth two years ago was the only reason she was even allowed to use such a Pokémon.

    Smaller Pokémon were usually the norm for children for a reason, specifically, due to them being easy to control and fairly weak, posing little to no threat to an inexperienced owner. Ryuu was willing to grant some leeway given the circumstances behind Iris obtaining Druddigon and his close supervision.

    The young girl got up off of the ground and looked up at the sky, a renewed sense of motivation seemed to overtake her as she jumped in the air and shouted.

    “First I’ll clear my final test with Ryuu, then it’s toward Unova with Drayden!”

    Both of the young souls headed toward Iris’s caretaker’s home, leaving the resting place of the deceased creatures behind, but still as Iris left, she couldn’t help but think back to when she had met that man. The Unova Gym Leader and mayor of Opelucid.

    The one who had the potential to change her life.

    ~:~

    Eight months after the horrific disaster that befell the Dragon Village had come and gone, the meeting of an important figure in Iris’s life was approaching.

    “Okay, Druddigon, let’s go!”

    Iris stood on one side of the battlefield with a young man opposite her position, judging the battle was Drayden. A small group of people had gathered around to watch as the battle raged on in the middle of the Dragon Village, both Pokémon were reaching their limits. On command the Cave Pokémon dashed towards its monkey adversary.

    “Oh no you don’t! Vigoroth, Round!” the auburn-haired teen screeched. Vigoroth inhaled once and yelled out violently, a wide soundwave washed over the Dragon-type, stopping her advance quickly as she forced her palms over her ears in pain. “Yes! Bullseye!”

    ”Could this be it?” Drayden continued to watch.

    “Come on buddy! This isn’t over yet,” Iris encouraged her Pokémon the best she could, the motivation from this managed to help Druddigon pull together all the reserve she had and bore the pain. “Let’s use Dragon Rage!”

    The Cave Pokémon, with as much heart as she could put into it, managed to rip out of her pained state and shoot a blast of indigo, fire-mixed electricity that exploded against the Wild Monkey Pokémon and knocked him out.

    “Vigoroth is unable to battle! The winner is Druddigon and the victory goes to Iris!” Drayden announced.

    “Yay, we did it!” Iris ran over and, recklessly, jumped onto her Pokémon’s stomach and hugged her tightly. Even though Druddigon had a striking appearance, she was only just a child and easily thrilled over the praise she got from her trainer.

    The young girl managed to bring out the best in her Pokémon in battle and stay strong throughout the whole thing alongside her like a trainer should, that’s just how strong their bond was.

    ”Interesting, she was almost completely at one with her Druddigon during that match.”

    Drayden smiled lightly as the girl walked over to congratulate her opponent, who had enjoyed the battle despite the outcome. The man decided to greet the young lady, he walked over with vigor.

    “That was quite the battle, Iris,” Drayden bent down and smiled at her.

    “Thanks for refereeing the battle, mister, I’m glad you showed up you were a big help.”

    “It was absolutely no problem, if possible, could I meet your parents?” Drayden asked while turning toward Druddigon as well.

    “My parents? Um....okay,” she said nervously as she fiddled with her fingers. “I’ll lead the way.”

    ~:~

    “Drayden?!” Mira came over hastily, almost slipping on the freshly mopped floor of the clinic in the process.

    The last thing her or her father expected was to come face to face with the muscular man with hair the color of fresh snow. Mira’s eyes widened to see the person at the door was very much the Spartan Mayor, in a flash, her attitude seemed to to turn sour as she stared directly into his yellow eyes.

    “If it isn’t Drayden, I see you got our eight month old SOS!” her comment was laced with anger.

    “Mira,” Ryuu started.

    “I was so sure you were just late, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking!”

    “Stop,” Ryuu silenced his daughter in a commanding tone as if she was an ill-mannered toddler. “Welcome, come in, this certainly is a surprise....”

    “Thank you, it’s a pleasure,” Drayden replied, he walked into the clinic and took a seat on the couch in the commons area with Ryuu taking a seat on the chair opposite it. He motioned to Mira to leave before he turned back to Drayden, the parent knew his daughter would end up spitting even more rude comments out if she remained in the visitor’s presence. “I see your daughter has grown up.....”

    “She has,” Ryuu said, embarrassed, knowing fully well Mira’s, not-so-subtle, angry remarks were not lost on the Spartan Mayor in the slightest. “So, what are you doing here in the Village of Dragons? Last time I saw you was back during the old days.....”

    Drayden shrugged, to answer Ryuu’s question, he simply stuck his purple-gloved hand into his pocket and pulled out a small metal object. A golden border zigzagged unevenly around the small trinket and the inside of it was grayed with a small ruby planted nearly at the center.

    “I’m here to find an heir...so to speak,” Drayden was quick and to the point about his plans.

    “The Legend Badge! I guess you really have become a something of a legend yourself. It goes without saying what one has to accomplish to become the leader of Opelucid Gym, amazing. What do you mean by ‘heir’ when you say it?”

    Drayden closed his eyes and opened them again, looking at Ryuu directly and spoke in an earnest tone.

    “Exactly as it sounds, a successor, an apprentice, a student who I can train to become a successful trainer and possibly the future co-Opelucid Gym Leader.”

    “Gym Leader?! Of Opelucid!”

    “I’m sure you know that as the mayor and Gym Leader of Opelucid I lead a very demanding lifestyle, naturally, I’ll be offering a scholarship to an exceptional trainer who I can find to come and live in Opelucid City and learn under me in the future.”

    Drayden scratched the white shocks of hair that curled around his face, almost like a Druddigon’s jaw.

    “Why the Village of Dragons?” there was a true sense of curiosity about why Drayden chose to come to the village to seek a strong, young trainer. “A lot of strong trainers often leave the village at a certain age to go venture out into the world.”

    “You’re one of the exceptions to that however, and I imagine this village hasn’t run dry of any talented young people,” Drayden said, “In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, Iris is a perfect example of a young trainer with promise.”

    “Iris?” Ryuu parroted back questionably.

    “Yes, I was surprised when she told me you were her legal guardian and pointed me toward your clinic of all places.”

    “Um....” Ryuu stuttered and did his best to keep an honest expression. “We-”

    Ryuu was cut off by light knocking at the door. It kept knocking rather rhythmically until Ryuu got up, took hold of the handle and opened it.

    “Hey, Ryuu!” Iris grinned as she greeted her guardian and looked over toward Drayden, meeting her gaze with his. “Hey, mister, Ryuu that guy’s from Unova and he helped referee one of my battles today!”

    “It’s was a pleasure,” Drayden said while smiling modestly to Iris as he turned back to Ryuu. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the little one you hold in such high regard that you told me about.”

    “Yes, the very same one,” the man confirmed.

    “So, she’s the one who got involved in that incident and had you and your daughter so worked up,” Drayden said quizzingly. “Unfortunately I couldn’t come, Iris, I was away at the time in Sinnoh and I apologize for that and your losses.”

    ”He’s the one who was going to come and help?!” Iris was shocked. “N-no problem!”

    “It’s okay, Drayden, I already informed her quite a long while ago, she never knew your name however. She really loves Dragons a great deal and shows promise, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been teaching her so much so she may become exceptional. I think Iris shows a talent for training Dragons well, her Druddigon is a very competent Pokémon for its age.”

    “Tell me more....” Drayden’s interest had been peaked, Iris remained silent as she stood there and absorbed the words Ryuu said, even though she wouldn’t admit it she loved hearing the compliments.

    “I think she has a natural connection to Dragons, you see, Iris’s ancestor was a woman named Siria. There was a time where Dragons and humans here in the village fought day and night, sometimes to the death.....Siria was the one who tamed the first Dragons. She did this, not by violence or conflict, but by imploring a method known as trying to understand their hearts. It’s believed to be an ability learned by some to understand Dragon Pokémon. As you already know, I can do this.”

    “She can do this as well?” Drayden raised a right eyebrow and clasped both his hands together.

    “Well, it’s hard to explain, she’s shown a natural connection to Dragons so I think so. That skill needs honing and I simply don’t think it could be fostered just staying here cooped up in the village.”

    “I’m curious, what is this child doing with you?” Drayden remarked.

    “She was entrusted to me...” Ryuu hesitated slightly but answered with a heavy heart, this made Iris turn her head sharply and stare at her mentor for a few seconds. A short moment of silenced developed while Drayden looked down and thought.

    ”A child who shows an exceptional ability to train Dragon Pokémon at such a young age and that can understand them on such a personal level, it almost sounds like fiction.”

    “I truly believe you could benefit from allowing Iris the chance to be your apprentice, please.”

    “I believe your words are sincere, if she truly is as noteworthy as you say I’ll make an effort to visit the village more often to see more of her. I’ve already seen an example of her abilities today.”

    “Isn’t that great, Iris?” Ryuu grinned heavily.

    “U-Uhh...sure!” Iris hesitantly replied.

    One Week Later.....

    “Use Dragon Tail!”

    “Haxooor!”

    The monstrous Pokémon, the color of an aged forest, rotated swiftly while smashing his massive reptilian tail into a Slaking. This caused the Lazy Pokémon to be knocked off his feet and hit the ground unconscious.

    “This sucks,” the young woman said as her Pokémon returned to his ball. “See ya later....” she walked away, Drayden looked over as he heard rustling in the bush behind him.

    “You can come out,” he spoke while he patted his Haxorus on the head for yet another job well done in battle.

    “Hahaha...” Iris laughed in embarrassment as she sprang out of hiding.

    “Why do you keep training where I train and then hiding when you think I don’t see you?”

    “Well, you see, about that, I thought your Haxorus might be hungry....” Iris pulled a light-blue piece of fruit from her pocket. “Dragons around here love Yache Berries,” she offered which caused the man to smile as he bent down and graciously accepted the fruit.

    “Thank you for your consideration,” he fed it to his strongest Pokémon, who was clearly enjoying his snack.

    “Haxorus is one of the coolest Dragons I’ve ever seen....” she couldn’t take her eyes off the beast as he continued to munch on the sour Berry.

    “Why don’t you see up close then?” Drayden picked up Iris and put her in range of the Axe Jaw Pokémon’s face, the Dragon smiled at her as she rubbed his scaly head.

    “Hahaha,” Iris giggled as, in response, he began to lick her face after swallowing the last of the fruit.

    ~:~

    Two weeks later

    “I still couldn’t do it.....” Iris sat in the tree within the forest as she sulked over her latest try, at reading a Dragon Pokémon’s heart, failing once more.

    “Iris!” Drayden shouted in concern as he dashed along. “There you are....” Drayden peered up into the thickness of the tree and spotted her in hiding. “Why did you run away?”

    “You saw, I failed. I can’t even read their hearts...”

    “You must not fear failure, it’s a part of life. Don’t be so unnerved by something so minuscule.”

    “Why would you want me to be your apprentice if I can’t do even that?”

    “You know, there’s no need to try and act so mature. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you, as I said before, failure is something that is unavoidable. You can get upset over it every time it happens or you can learn to deal with it and move on.”

    Iris remained silent as she sat on the branch and avoided eye contact with the Spartan Mayor, not wanting him to see a moment of weakness in her.

    “I have a story to tell you. Just listen to it,” Drayden said commandingly. Iris climbed down the tree and listened to Drayden as he squatted down to her level to make sure his words got across clearly and effectively.

    “There’s a legend of a Pokémon known as Magikarp, I’m sure you know what a Magikarp is. It is said that there was a Magikarp that so desperately tried to swim up a waterfall and kept continuously failing and being washed away by the strong current. The Magikarp, after a lot of perseverance and trying, finally made it upstream.”

    “What happened next?” Iris asked curiously.

    “The Magikarp, when upstream, finally made a grand, brave leap over the waterfall. Upon doing this the Magikarp landed at the bottom and resurfaced as a Gyarados. They say a Gyarados’s large, conspicuous scales indicate its origin from a Magikarp.”

    “It evolved?”

    “Yes, because Magikarp worked so hard and jumped over the waterfall which was known as the Dragon Gate in legend. It’s one of the reasons many believe Magikarp today evolve into Gyarados.”

    “So, I can one day read the hearts of Dragons?” Iris’s eyes brightened up.

    “If your ancestors can do it and Ryuu can do it, I believe you could as well. However, that doesn’t mean flying off when you fail, you must move on from it and grow.”

    “Thank you!” Iris ran up to the man and embraced him happily, she was thankful for the reassurance.

    “Let’s go back to the village,” Drayden and Iris walked together, the young girl staying tugged to his arm as they did.

    ~:~

    ”Those were the days, the days where I first met Drayden.”

    The Spartan Mayor kept coming back to the Dragon Village to observe Iris and talk with her before officially deciding to adopt her from Ryuu. Today was the day where she would have her final test under her current mentor before going to live with Drayden.

    “I can’t believe this is really it, it’s been a long time coming but I’m ready!” Iris jumped in the air and shouted with spirit, this managed to make Druddigon feel hyped.

    “Dru!”

    “We’re both gonna see so many new things and meet so many new people, I can’t wait!”

    Iris and Druddigon finally came upon Ryuu’s clinic and Iris instinctively walked into it without even knocking while the Cave Pokémon stayed outside.

    “I’m here! Ready for my final test!” she shouted, the noise resonating so loud that Altaria woke up in a nasty fit. Even looking at Altaria, Iris remembered the same thing would happen when he was just a Swablu.

    “Sorry Altaria,” Iris said while holding her palms up defensively, the cloud-bodied Pokémon went back to sleep.

    “As loud as always I see,” Ryuu appeared from the backroom with Mira following closely behind.

    “The test is ready,” Mira said as she went over next to Iris. “Are you?”

    “Completely, I can do this, I’ll take anything you throw at me.”

    “That’s a good attitude to have, Drayden is on his way right now. Mira packed all your bags and everything you’ll need. Unova is gonna be an amazing experience for you, you’ll grow more than you ever could have in this village.”

    “I’m gonna miss you so much, it’s not gonna be the same without your bubbly face greeting me everyday,” Mira hugged the young girl.

    “Mira you have another kid to worry about, remember?” Iris patted her sister-like figure’s stomach as they both broke into laughs.

    “Let’s get this underway, I want to finish before Drayden makes it,” Ryuu said as he walked down the hallway and to a room, he opened the door so Mira and Iris could come in. “This is your final test,” he held his arm out.

    “Begin,” Mira announced.

    Sitting in front of them, on a table, was a sandy-orange egg, it became clear what Iris had to do as she walked over and looked down at the sphere. She immediately got a tub filled with some hot, but not scalding, water. Ryuu and Mira stood and watched intently, not allowing themselves to interfere.

    “Okay, let’s see....” Iris took several cushions and surrounded the egg with them, just in time as it began to shine and take shape. A roundish body with four plump legs emerged first, a large head in proportion to the rest of its body appeared as the light began to dissipate. “A Trapinch! Wait, it hatched so quickly, I didn’t even get to use the stethoscope!”

    Iris covered her mouth, mentally scolding herself for shouting as the Pokémon began to cry, not from Iris’s shout but from the natural behavior that came with being a newborn. She got a towel and dipped it into the water and wrung it out, the Pokémon gradually stopped as it was massaged out of its fit.

    ”Now I just need to get a bottle ready.”

    Iris meandered over to the sink with Trapinch lying on the table, she took a bottle and filled it with a white, dusty powder. Walking over to the sink and turning on the faucet to release some hot water, she filled the bottle to the top and screwed on a nipple and shook it wildly. She poured a bit of the contents of it on her arm to check its temperature and proceeded to feed it to the infant.

    “Trapiii,” the Pokémon whined softly.

    “There there, don’t cry.” Iris picked up the baby and rocked it back and forth within her arms as it drank, she took the chance to wrap it in a blanket that sat on the counter. This made the Ant Pit Pokémon comfy enough to fall asleep right there in her arms.

    “Looks like it’s a boy....” Mira observed.

    “Nice job,” Ryuu said. “You without a doubt, pass, that means you’ll be moving on to your next stage of learning with Drayden effectively.”

    “I knew this day was coming,” Iris said as she continued to cradle the baby Trapinch.

    “I’m gonna miss you so much,” Mira exclaimed.

    “Dragonite, Altaria, and Shelgon as well and I’m sure the other villagers will too,” Ryuu was quick to add.

    “As hard as it is for daddy to show his emotions, he will too,” Mira gave a cheeky smile toward her father who simply pretended to ignore her teasing.

    Iris set Trapinch on one of the cushions as he drooled in his sleep, she walked into an embrace with Ryuu.

    “Whatever happens, keep working hard, whether I’m there or not. Listen to what Drayden says, I know you can do it....please don’t give him a hard time,” Ryuu said with a bit of emotion in his voice.

    “We’ll both be hoping the best of wishes for you and your future,” Mira said as well.

    “I promise I will and I just won’t have Drayden there, Druddigon will be there with me too!” Iris grinned, expressing a genuine sense of gratitude and delight over the support of her foster family.

    “I see things went well for her final test,” a new voice entered as the three turned around to see Drayden.

    “Drayden,” Ryuu announced what was so obvious to everyone.

    “The door was unlocked and I decided to come in, I arrived off the ferry just around fifteen minutes ago.”

    “Drayden, I hatched the egg perfectly. See, the egg used to be this little guy,” Iris picked up the sheet-wrapped Ground-type and handed it to the Spartan Mayor to hold.

    “My my, you sure did a fine job.”

    “Trrraa,” the Pokémon yawned and opened his eyes to see the Spartan Mayor peering down at him and began to smile widely.

    “Trapinch likes you,” Iris said.

    “That it does, that it does,” Ryuu said earnestly.

    -:-

    Standing near the port with Iris were Drayden, Druddigon, Mira, Ryuu, Dragonite, Shelgon, and Altaria and in Mira’s arms was Trapinch. They were all ready to see the young girl and man off toward the Unova Region. Iris stretched and yawned at the same time.

    “Do we have to leave so early in the morning?” she complained.

    “The earlier we leave the quicker we’ll make it,” Drayden replied. “Plus the ferry doesn’t leave according to what time we want, you mustn’t forget.”

    “Druddigongon!” the Cave Pokémon went over to hug Shelgon and Dragonite and she licked Altaria’s face, much to the Humming Pokémon’s embarrassment.

    “So, when do you think you’ll dock in Unova?” Ryuu asked.

    “I imagine in about five or four hours from now,” Drayden rubbed his chin and estimated.

    “Excellent, around the crack of noon, Iris you can sleep on the boat.”

    “I still can’t believe this is it, I’m gonna think about you all everyday,” Iris said once again to the group of people she loved that she would soon be departing with.

    “You too Ms.Dragon chick,” Mira said with a thumb’s up.

    ”Attention! Departure in less than five minutes, all passengers should be aboard now!

    “Take care,” Drayden said to Mira and Ryuu as he turned his back to them.

    “Trapipipi!” the Ant Pit Pokémon jumped out of Mira’s arms and ran over to Drayden.

    “Looks like it doesn’t want you to leave,” Ryuu smirked.

    “Well this could pose a problem, so.....” Mira gave a large grin.

    -:-

    “Bye bye!” Iris yelled and waved from the boat with Trapinch in her arms.

    “Druddi!” the Cave Pokémon emulated her trainer’s actions.

    “It’s so awesome you caught a new Pokémon, Drayden, who knew Trapinch would want to be with you so much,” she exclaimed as she looked down at the baby. “You really do like him, don’t you?”

    “Tra,” the Pokémon jumped out of Iris’s arms and went over to rub his head against Drayden’s leg, he bent down to rub his head in response.

    “It’s towards the Unova Region for you and I, remember what I told you about Unova?”

    “That I’ll meet a lot of new people and Pokémon I’ve never seen before there? Yeah, it’s gonna be the coolest!”

    ”I wonder if there truly is more to this child than meets the eye, we’ll see....”





        Spoiler:- Info:
    Last edited by Doryuzu; 22nd May 2013 at 5:57 PM.

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