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Thread: The Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doryuzu View Post
    A/N:Here we go, I hit the ground running a bit. The aftermath of everything and the leap toward Iris's future with Drayden. I am bit nervous about a few idea I implemented in this chapter, though it took a while and I appreciate any and all criticism I can get.
    Sorry I took so long to manage to get to this. So let's get started, shall we?

    Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!

    “Welcome to the Village of Dragons! I hope you all enjoyed your time on Virbank City Virga Traveling! Where destinations near, in, and around Unova are just a boat ride away!”
    I noticed that you said in your replies to me previously that this Village of Dragons is outside Unova, but I'm going to guess that it isn't all that far from Unova based on this?

    The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people that disembarked from the ferry. The man took his time leaving the boat while taking in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky while he did.
    Try to diversify the sound of your sentences a bit, because if you read this part out loud for example, it would sound repetitive. Try something like this:

    "The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky."

    A difference he immediately noticed was that the vicinity of the Village of Dragons was more lively than ever with Pokémon life compared to the times he had previously visited. From that observation he speculated the draconic population must have increased a great deal over the years.
    Another pointer: sentences such as this are too wordy, which is another think you can detect by reading it aloud. My thought on how to fix it: "One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years."

    Onto the subject matter of the line itself: I'm intrigued by the comments that seem to be pointing out the population of dragons as an important fact to know. I wonder what it means, exactly?

    “Ryuu’s clearly found success in his endeavor....” Drayden kept examining the world around him.
    Well there we go, that answers that.

    It was a very nice day for the residents of the village, the weather was akin to something Drayden might see in the tropical climate of Undella Town. Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business, idle downtime was the last thing on the man’s mind.
    Another bit of advice I'd give you is to try to learn when to use semicolons and 'and' instead of commas where appropriate. A semicolon would go well between "village" and "the weather," because both halves of that sentence could also be perfectly acceptible as their own individual sentences. Between "business" and "idle," you could remove the comma and put "and" instead, thus making it "Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man's mind."

    As a trainer and person who was committed to the development of imperative aspects in his life, he was pursuing greater strength in more than one form.

    Drayden had traveled all over the world looking for a successor, even faraway areas like Kanto and Sinnoh, and had yet to come across one person to catch his eye.

    His ultimate goal of finding a certain someone had reached its end the day he met her. Who that someone was, he simply didn’t know for the longest of time however, meeting her and being around her so long had finally made Drayden fully realize she was the one.
    The first sentence here feels a little unnecessary; it could probably be cut down to just "He was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual."

    Though brief, this section gives us a nice little look into Drayden's character. He could seek strength by simply training harder and harder, but instead, he puts priorities on securing his legacy as well, showing that his strength is not merely brute force.

    The man decided to return to Unova and go back to basics a bit, it was ironic the remote Village of Dragons right outside the Unova Region was the destination where his search, ultimately, concluded.
    There are too many commas in this sentence. Change the first one to a period and separate the two sentences, and remove the other two completely.

    “Yahoooo!” Iris yelled while careening from a branch, landing on the ground with ease. It didn’t matter how many times she would do that, there was always something freeing about vine-swinging that made her enjoy it so much. The feeling of flying was serene, yet exciting, the fun it gave her couldn’t be duplicated.

    “You should try this buddy! I checked over there, I didn’t find any really good looking flowers though I got us something to eat.”
    I'm pretty surprised Iris is back to her old self so quickly, though it's encouraging to see. Unless this is a flashback?

    Iris’s Pokémon’s rough, red face showed a cheery grin, in her burly blue arms were a vast assortment of freshly-picked flowers. Iris pulled two Oran Berries from her pocket. She walked over and fed the Druddigon one while she took a bite out of the other. Both relished the juicy, sweetness of the fruit while staring at the batch of newly found plants in her Pokémon’s arms.

    “Those all nice,” Iris marveled at them, “Sorry, I wasn’t too much help, I got sidetracked when I got hungry,” she continued to talk partly with her mouth full of pieces of chewed up Oran, wiping the juices from her mouth as she finished the last of it.
    "Those are all nice."

    I like how casual and friendly Iris is with Druddigon. It makes the story read a bit lighter.

    “Speaking of being sidetracked, I can’t be late today, that’s a sure thing. It would look bad since it’s my last test, remember?” she said simply to her beloved Pokémon. “There’s no telling what Ryuu’s got up his sleeve, it could even be a battle against Dragonite. Imagine if you had to beat one of Ryuu’s Pokémon in order for me to pass, Dragonite maybe? Imagine, starter versus starter!”

    Druddigon looked visually unnerved by the idea of having to face off against Ryuu’s powerhouse, she knew the full-extent of Dragonite’s strength. In training sessions, Iris’s mentor wouldn’t even have his Pokémon use half of his normal dynamism, as the younger creature would easily be overwhelmed by the much more experienced Dragon.
    I really like the enthusiasm Iris is showing, and Druddigon's personality and knowledge of Dragonite's strength is refreshing to see, because a lot of times Pokemon don't have personality like humans do. The test is another intriguing part - I'd like to learn more about how the tests work and what they're for.

    “Druddi,” the Pokémon attempted to protest against the idea, going up against the benevolent monstrosity, seriously, might cause her to faint on the spot. Iris was too wrapped up in her own enthusiasm however to notice.

    “After that I’ll officially be an official trainer who can catch official Pokémon and have battles being judged by official....officials,” that comment managed to elicit a light-hearted smirk from her mild-mannered beast. “Still can’t believe I got you two years ago....has it really been that long?”
    There we go, that answers my question about how much time had passed.

    Both Iris and Druddigon are really adorable here. They both have great personalities.

    Did I mention how much I like choosing the newborn-in-the-previous-chapter Druddigon as her starter? Positives in its favor are that it is a fairly unusual species of Pokemon as well as one that she has a strong connection to.

    The girl looked up Druddigon, she had come a long way from when she was just an infant Dragon. Iris had watched over her egg like a mother, and the day she hatched Iris formed a connection with her. Doing many things with her: training her, bathing her, feeding her, and even sleeping next to her at night.
    Good imagery, but I don't understand what "the girl looked up Druddigon" means.

    The fact she had cared so much for Druddigon since then is what led to her even being the fine Dragon she was today. Ryuu and Mira played a large role in that as well since Iris, despite tending to act more than her age at times, was only still a child herself.

    Since then Iris had sprouted a more than noticeable amount compared to her previously diminutive height. She hadn’t just changed in size either, she had a notable increase in maturity as a person. That mostly had to do with, once again, being under the watchful eyes of Mira and Ryuu, who both cared for her unconditionally.

    “It’s all so exciting, I feel like I’m gonna explode. Let’s go ahead and do what we need to do and then we can go on to Ryuu’s!”

    Druddigon just smiled while carrying the flowers in her arms, Iris ran full-speed toward where they had to go. The Cave Pokémon began to fall behind and threw caution to the wind in regards to the flowers and powered on alongside her trainer with all the speed she could muster.

    “No way I’m losing!” Iris jetted past her Pokémon, who was barely keeping up. In a matter of minutes the pair of young girls had made it to their short-distanced destination, both labored for breathing as they slowed to a gradual walk and took in the sights a bit.
    These two really go together well. Their personalities are a fine match.

    The sky had turned cloudless in the trek toward the area for their small task, allowing more rays of sunlight to grace the empty area with their presence. It was almost completely surrounded by many beautiful, white lilies that Iris always was told, by Mira, were planted there to symbolize something more.

    To make a statement about the area, to show just how much that place meant to the villagers, to show how much they strived to truly work alongside Dragons compared to the old days and how they had changed for the better.
    Is the second sentence ("To make a statement...") what the flowers are meant to symbolize? If not, the first part is too vague by not identifying what they symbolize.

    Iris and Druddigon trudged through the flowers and came upon two lumpy mounds of dirt. It seemed like no matter how many times they would visit the area those dirt piles would remain unchanged.

    The young girl was almost sure she could remember every speck of dirt around them, not even a stone could go unturned without her noticing. That’s just how much the range of area meant to her, it was simply the essence of life in her eyes.
    I feel like the thoughts here could be expressed a bit more clearly, though I can't quite put my finger on how.

    She secured the flowers from the young Pokémon’s arms and proceeded to place one of the sweet-smelling daisies on the left mound of soil. One by one she, carefully, placed the flora on the respected spot until she was down to one. Each side had an equal amount of flowers, so the very last one went right between the two graves without hesitation, somehow it felt right to her to do that.
    ...Oh, wow. It took me a minute to realize what the mounds of dirt were, but wow, that really hit me.

    Iris finished her small spiel to the heavens with her eyes slightly watered, she was once again good at quickly bottling up her small emotional slip however.
    This is very awkwardly worded and far too wordy for its own good. The exact same thing could be said in a much simpler fashion; for example, "Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions."

    Druddigon had no words for the occasion, opting to stay silent as she was unable to conjure any truly meaningful emotions.

    Even though they were her parents, the Pokémon didn’t feel much emotion about hovering near their graves in the same way Iris did. Druddigon didn’t know her parents, thus didn’t have any type of connection with them and couldn’t really feel any deep feelings.
    Minor correction: "and" needs to be between "parents" and "thus."

    Interesting way to play with emotions by having Druddigon be less emotional about this.

    A lot of Pokémon that came from eggs didn’t even get to meet their parents, so it was hardly a travesty for her that she didn’t have the opportunity to be raised by two of her own kind. Iris(and Ryuu and Mira), filled that role very well.

    In all honesty they might as well have been two complete strangers to her, it did make her feel awkward to see Iris get so distraught by seeing them while she, herself, simply remained emotionless.

    The death of the Dragon’s mother and father was due to the devious actions of a gang of Pokémon thieves, Iris remembered it all too well. If she ever came across those low-life poachers, even one of them, ever again she would teach them a lesson for sure and get back at them for their awful deed.

    Expecting to ever see the poachers again seemed like little more than a pipe dream given that they last were seen two years ago, Iris likely would never come across them again in her life.

    The father had suffered critical injuries from dealing with a raging Hydreigon and the mother had taken a very brutal whipping, coupled with her being pregnant, she reached her limit quickly. It was especially painful and emotionally taxing with trying to protect her unborn child.

    She remembered the father requested one thing of Iris before being euthanized and, completely sticking to what the papa Dragon’s last wishes were, Iris took very good care of his child.

    She showered the Cave Pokémon with love and affection and for Iris, being an eager child herself, a natural sense of cheery behavior and care emanated from her when it came to interacting with her first ever Pokémon.
    Decent summary of the intervening events within the timeskip. Filled in quite a few details for me.

    Druddigon was unofficially Iris’s starter Pokémon, having no Poké Ball to show for it, but battling under her command loyally, more than willing to follow her orders like a true captured Pokémon would.
    Okay, that's an interesting turn. I wonder if the fact that Druddigon doesn't have a Poké Ball will be relevant later?

    Eight months after the horrific disaster that befell the Dragon Village had come and gone, the meeting of an important figure in Iris’s life was approaching.
    Wait, wasn't the timeskip two years before? What's this eight months note now?

    “Okay, Druddigon, let’s go!”

    Iris stood on one side of the battlefield with a young man opposite her position, judging the battle was Drayden. A small group of people had gathered around to watch as the battle raged on in the middle of the Dragon Village, both Pokémon were reaching their limits. On command the Cave Pokémon dashed towards its monkey adversary.

    “Oh no you don’t! Vigoroth, Round!” the auburn-haired teen screeched. Vigoroth inhaled once and yelled out violently, a wide soundwave washed over the Dragon-type, stopping her advance quickly as she forced her palms over her ears in pain. “Yes! Bullseye!”

    ”Could this be it?” Drayden continued to watch.

    “Come on buddy! This isn’t over yet,” Iris encouraged her Pokémon the best she could, the motivation from this managed to help Druddigon pull together all the reserve she had and bore the pain. “Let’s use Dragon Rage!”

    The Cave Pokémon, with as much heart as she could put into it, managed to rip out of her pained state and shoot a blast of indigo, fire-mixed electricity that exploded against the Wild Monkey Pokémon and knocked him out.
    That's a bit of an unusual way to describe Dragon Rage, but it works.

    Good to see Iris winning the battle.

    “Vigoroth is unable to battle! The winner is Druddigon and the victory goes to Iris!” Drayden announced.

    “Yay, we did it!” Iris ran over and, recklessly, jumped onto her Pokémon’s stomach and hugged her tightly. Even though Druddigon had a striking appearance, she was only just a child and easily thrilled over the praise she got from her trainer.

    The young girl managed to bring out the best in her Pokémon in battle and stay strong throughout the whole thing alongside her like a trainer should, that’s just how strong their bond was.

    ”Interesting, she was almost completely at one with her Druddigon during that match.”

    Drayden smiled lightly as the girl walked over to congratulate her opponent, who had enjoyed the battle despite the outcome. The man decided to greet the young lady, he walked over with vigor.

    “That was quite the battle, Iris,” Drayden bent down and smiled at her.

    “Thanks for refereeing the battle, mister, I’m glad you showed up you were a big help.”

    “It was absolutely no problem, if possible, could I meet your parents?” Drayden asked while turning toward Druddigon as well.

    “My parents? Um....okay,” she said nervously as she fiddled with her fingers. “I’ll lead the way.”
    Interesting.

    I'm becoming a little confused over the timeline of the events taking place in this chapter, though.

    “Drayden?!” Mira came over hastily, almost slipping on the freshly mopped floor of the clinic in the process.

    The last thing her or her father expected was to come face to face with the muscular man with hair the color of fresh snow. Mira’s eyes widened to see the person at the door was very much the Spartan Mayor, in a flash, her attitude seemed to to turn sour as she stared directly into his yellow eyes.

    “If it isn’t Drayden, I see you got our eight month old SOS!” her comment was laced with obvious, passive-aggressiveness.
    I don't think you need to point out the passive-aggressiveness, it's pretty apparent in the line.

    I like the personality Mira's showing here, though. It's nice that she actually even stands up to Drayden of all people.

    “Mira,” Ryuu started.

    “I was so sure you were just late, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking!”

    “Stop,” Ryuu silenced his daughter in a commanding tone as if she was an ill-mannered toddler. “Welcome, come in, this certainly is a surprise....”

    “Thank you, it’s a pleasure,” Drayden replied, he walked into the clinic and took a seat on the couch in the common’s area with Ryuu taking a seat on the chair opposite it. He motioned to Mira to leave before he turned back Drayden, the parent knew his daughter would end up spitting even more rude comments out if she remained in the visitor’s presence. “I see your daughter has grown up.....”
    Drop the apostrophe and the 's' from "common." Also, you left out "to" in "turned back to Drayden."

    “She has,” Ryuu said, embarrassed, knowing fully well Mira’s, not-so-subtle, angry remarks were not lost on the Spartan Mayor in the slightest. “So, what are you doing here in the Village of Dragons? Last time I saw you was back during the old days.....”

    Drayden shrugged, to answer Ryuu’s question, he simply stuck his purple-gloved hand into his pocket and pulled out a small metal object. A golden border zigzagged unevenly around the small trinket and the inside of it was grayed with a small ruby planted nearly at the center.

    “I’m here to find an heir...so to speak,” Drayden was quick and to the point about his plans.

    “The Legend Badge! I guess you really have become a something of a legend yourself. It goes without saying what one has to accomplish to become the leader of Opelucid Gym, amazing. What do you mean by ‘heir’ when you say it?”

    Drayden closed his eyes and opened them again, looking at Ryuu directly and spoke in an earnest tone.

    “Exactly as it sounds, a successor, an apprentice, a student who I can train to become a successful trainer and possibly the future co-Opelucid Gym Leader.”

    “Gym Leader?! Of Opelucid!”

    “I’m sure you know that as the mayor and Gym Leader of Opelucid I lead a very demanding lifestyle, naturally, I’ll be offering a scholarship to an exceptional trainer who I can find to come and live in Opelucid City and learn under me in the future.”

    Drayden scratched the white shocks of hair that curled around his face, almost like a Druddigon’s jaw.

    “Why the Village of Dragons?” there was a true sense of curiosity about why Drayden chose to come to the village to seek a strong, young trainer. “A lot of strong trainers often leave the village at a certain age to go venture out into the world.”
    Right away I think that while it may be true that many strong trainers leave the village, there are still young people being raised in its environment. Drayden could easily take in someone who hadn't become a trainer yet and train them while building on the village's culture. Of course, he is going to do that anyway, more or less.

    “You’re one of the exceptions to that however, and I imagine this village hasn’t run dry of any talented young people,” Drayden said, “In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, Iris is a perfect example of a young trainer with promise.”

    “Iris?” Ryuu parroted back questionably.

    “Yes, I was surprised when she told me you were her legal guardian and pointed me toward your clinic of all places.”

    “Um....” Ryuu stuttered and did his best to keep an honest expression. “We-”

    Ryuu was cut off by light knocking at the door. It kept knocking rather rhythmically until Ryuu got up, took hold of the handle and opened it.

    “Hey, Ryuu!” Iris grinned as she greeted her guardian and looked over toward Drayden, meeting her gaze with his. “Hey, mister, Ryuu that guy’s from Unova and he helped referee one of my battles today!”

    “It’s was a pleasure,” Drayden said while smiling modestly to Iris as he turned back to Ryuu. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the little one you hold in such high regard that you told me about.”
    I already like the dynamic Iris and Drayden have. Her lighthearted attitude compared to his strict personality is an entertaining contradiction.

    “Yes, the very same one,” the man confirmed.

    “So, she’s the one who got involved in that incident and had you and your daughter so worked up,” Drayden said quizzingly. “Unfortunately I couldn’t come, Iris, I was away at the time in Sinnoh and I apologize for that and your loses.”
    "losses."

    ”He’s the one who was going to come and help?!” Iris was shocked. “N-no problem!”

    “It’s okay, Drayden, I already informed her quite a long while ago, she never knew your name however. She really loves Dragons a great deal and shows promise, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been teaching her so much so she may become exceptional. I think Iris shows a talent for training Dragons well, her Druddigon is a very competent Pokémon for its age.”

    “Tell me more....” Drayden’s interest had been peaked, Iris remained silent as she stood there and absorbed the words Ryuu said, even though she wouldn’t admit it she loved hearing the compliments.
    I could see Drayden rubbing his chin in thought here. It's kind of a great image.

    “I think she has a natural connection to Dragons, you see, Iris’s ancestor was a woman named Siria. There was a time where Dragons and humans here in the village fought day and night, sometimes to the death.....Siria was the one who tamed the first Dragons. She did this, not by violence or conflict, but by imploring a method known as trying to understand their hearts. It’s believed to be an ability learned by some to understand Dragon Pokémon. As you already know, I can do this.”
    ....THANK YOU.

    Thank you for finally being the one to go and give Iris some substantive backstory. Already I can tell that this ties together details about Iris that are so often complained about very nicely.

    “She can do this as well?” Drayden raised a right eyebrow and clasped both his hands together.

    “Well, it’s hard to explain, she’s shown a natural connection to Dragons so I think so. That skill needs honing and I simply don’t think it could be fostered just staying here cooped up in the village.”

    “I’m curious, what is this child doing with you?” Drayden remarked.

    “She was entrusted to me...” Ryuu hesitated slightly but answered with a heavy heart, this made Iris turn her head sharply and stare at her mentor for a few seconds. A short moment of silenced developed while Drayden looked down and thought.

    ”A child who shows an exceptional ability to train Dragon Pokémon at such a young age and that can understand them on such a personal level, it almost sounds like fiction.”

    “I truly believe you could benefit from allowing Iris the chance to be your apprentice, please.”

    “I believe your words are sincere, if she truly is as noteworthy as you say I’ll make an effort to visit the village more often to see more of her. I’ve already seen an example of her abilities today.”

    “Isn’t that great, Iris?” Ryuu grinned heavily.

    “U-Uhh...sure!” Iris hesitantly replied.
    I like how you show that Iris isn't totally sure about what this means, too. Obviously she has some more maturing to do.

    One Week Later.....

    “Use Dragon Tail!”

    “Haxooor!”

    The monstrous Pokémon, the color of an aged forest, rotated swiftly while smashing his massive reptilian tail into a Slaking. This caused the Lazy Pokémon to be knocked off his feet and hit the ground unconscious.

    “This sucks,” the young woman said as her Pokémon returned to his ball. “See ya later....” she walked away, Drayden looked over as he heard rustling in the bush behind him.

    “You can come out,” he spoke while he patted his Haxorus on the head for yet another job well done in battle.

    “Hahaha...” Iris laughed in embarrassment as she sprang out of hiding.

    “Why do you keep training where I train and then hiding when you think I don’t see you?”

    “Well, you see, about that, I thought your Haxorus might be hungry....” Iris pulled a light-blue piece of fruit from her pocket. “Dragons around here love Yache Berries,” she offered which caused the man to smile as he bent down and graciously accepted the fruit.

    “Thank you for your consideration,” he fed it to his strongest Pokémon, who was clearly enjoying his snack.
    Cute. I couldn't help but smile.

    “Haxorus is one of the coolest Dragons I’ve ever seen....” she couldn’t take her eyes off the beast as he continued to munch on the sour Berry.

    “Why don’t you see up close then?” Drayden picked up Iris and put her in range of the Axe Jaw Pokémon’s face, the Dragon smiled at her as she rubbed his scaly head.

    “Hahaha,” Iris giggled as, in response, he began to lick her face after swallowing the last of the fruit.
    And that is adorable too. You're really good at crafting these simple yet memorable little scenes where the characters stand out.

    Two weeks later

    “I still couldn’t do it.....” Iris sat in the tree within the forest as she sulked over her latest try, at reading a Dragon Pokémon’s heart, failing once more.

    “Iris!” Drayden shouted in concern as he sped along. “There you are....” Drayden peered up into the thickness of the tree and spotted her in hiding. “Why did you run away?”
    I think you should clarify the part about how Drayden 'sped along.' Is he running on foot or driving a car, for example?

    “You saw, I failed. I can’t even read their hearts...”

    “You must not fear failure, it’s apart of life. Don’t be so unnerved by something so minuscule.”
    In this context, it's "a part."

    “Why would you want me to be your apprentice if I can’t do even that?”

    “You know, there’s no need to try and act so mature. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you, as I said before, failure is something that is unavoidable. You can get upset over it every time it happens or you can learn to deal with it and move on.”

    Iris remained silent as she sat on the branch and avoided eye contact with the Spartan Mayor, not wanting him to see a moment of weakness in her.
    I find Iris's actions here very believable and well-suited to her personality. Very well done.

    “I have a story to tell you. Just listen to it,” Drayden said commandingly. Iris climbed down the tree and listened to Drayden as he squatted down to her level to make sure his words got across clearly and effectively.

    “There’s a legend of a Pokémon known as Magikarp, I’m sure you know what a Magikarp is. It is said that there was a Magikarp that so desperately tried to swim up a waterfall and kept continuously failing and being washed away by the strong current. The Magikarp, after a lot of perseverance and trying, finally made it upstream.”

    “What happened next?” Iris asked curiously.

    “The Magikarp, when upstream, finally made a grand, brave leap over the waterfall. Upon doing this the Magikarp landed at the bottom and resurfaced as a Gyarados. They say a Gyarados’s large, conspicuous scales indicate its origin from a Magikarp.”

    “It evolved?”

    “Yes, because Magikarp worked so hard and jumped over the waterfall which was known as the Dragon Gate in legend. It’s one of the reasons many believe Magikarp today evolve into Gyarados.”

    “So, I can one day read the hearts of Dragons?” Iris’s eyes brightened up.

    “If your ancestors can do it and Ryuu can do it, I believe you could as well. However, that doesn’t mean flying off when you fail, you must move on from it and grow.”

    “Thank you!” Iris ran up to the man and embraced him happily, she was thankful for the reassurance.

    “Let’s go back to the village,” Drayden and Iris walked together, the young girl staying tugged to his arm as they did.
    That... that was great. Drayden explained the story well, and it relates to Iris's struggle quite closely. I also like how you expanded on canon in a simple yet impressive way to create the story itself.

    ”Those were the days, the days where I first met Drayden.”

    The Spartan Mayor kept coming back to the Dragon Village to observe Iris and talk with her before officially deciding to adopt her from Ryuu. Today was the day where she would have her final test under her current mentor before going to live with Drayden.
    I don't completely understand what that italic line is?

    “I can’t believe this is really it, it’s been a long time coming but I’m ready!” Iris jumped in the air and shouted with spirit, this manage to make Druddigon feel hyped.
    "managed."

    “Dru!”

    “We’re both gonna see so many new things and meet so many new people, I can’t wait!”

    Iris and Druddigon finally came upon Ryuu’s clinic, Iris instinctively walked into it without even knocking while the Cave Pokémon stayed outside.
    There should be an "and" between "clinic" and "Iris."

    “I’m here! Ready for my final test!” she shouted, the noise resonating so loud that Altaria woke up in a nasty fit. Even looking at Altaria, Iris remembered the same thing would happen when he was just a Swablu.

    “Sorry Altaria,” Iris said while holding her palms up defensively, the cloud-bodied Pokémon went back to sleep.

    “As loud as always I see,” Ryuu appeared from the backroom with Mira following closely behind.

    “The test is ready,” Mira said as she went over next to Iris. “Are you?”

    “Completely, I can do this, I’ll take anything you throw at me.”

    “That’s a good attitude to have, Drayden is on his way right now. Mira packed all your bags and everything you’ll need. Unova is gonna be an amazing experience for you, you’ll grow more than you ever could have in this village.”

    “I’m gonna miss you so much, it’s not gonna be the same without your bubbly face greeting me everyday,” Mira hugged the young girl.
    I have a bit of a nervous feeling that something's about to go wrong.

    “Mira you have another kid to worry about, remember?” Iris patted her sister-like figure’s stomach as they both broke into laughs.

    “Let’s get this underway, I want to finish before Drayden makes it,” Ryuu said as he walked down the hallway and to a room, he opened the door so Mira and Iris could come in. “This is your final test,” he held his arm out.

    “Begin,” Mira announced.

    Sitting in front of them, on a table, was a sandy-orange egg, it became clear what Iris had to do as she walked over and looked down at the sphere. She immediately got a tub filled with some hot, but not scalding, water. Ryuu and Mira stood and watched intently, not allowing themselves to interfere.
    Nice callback to an earlier chapter with what the test is.

    “Okay, let’s see....” Iris took several cushions and surrounded the egg with them, just in time as it began to shine and take shape. A roundish body with four plump legs emerged first, a large head in proportion to the rest of its body appeared as the light began to dissipate. “A Trapinch! Wait, it hatched so quickly, I didn’t even get to use the stethoscope!”

    Iris covered her mouth, mentally scolding herself for shouting as the Pokémon began to cry, not from Iris’s shout but from the natural behavior that came with being a newborn. She got a towel and dipped it into the water and wrung it out, the Pokémon gradually stopped as it was massaged out of its fit.

    ”Now I just need to get a bottle ready.”

    Iris meandered over to the sink with Trapinch lying on the table, she took a bottle and filled it with a white, dusty powder. Walking over to the sink and turning on the faucet to release some hot water, she filled the bottle to the top and screwed on a nipple and shook it wildly. She poured a bit of the contents of it on her arm to check its temperature and proceeded to feed it to the infant.

    “Trapiii,” the Pokémon whined softly.

    “There there, don’t cry.” Iris picked up the baby and rocked it back and forth within her arms as it drank, she took the chance to wrap it in a blanket that sat on the counter. This made the Ant Pit Pokémon comfy enough to fall asleep right there in her arms.
    Cute, once again.

    “Looks like it’s a boy....” Mira observed.

    “Nice job,” Ryuu said. “You without a doubt, pass, that means you’ll be moving on to your next stage of learning with Drayden effectively.”

    “I knew this day was coming,” Iris said as she continued to cradle the baby Trapinch.

    “I’m gonna miss you so much,” Mira exclaimed.

    “Dragonite, Altaria, and Shelgon as well and I’m sure the other villagers will too,” Ryuu was quick to add.

    “As hard as it is for daddy to show his emotions, he will too,” Mira gave a cheeky smile toward her father who simply pretended to ignore her teasing.

    Iris set Trapinch on one of the cushions as he drooled in his sleep, she walked into an embrace with Ryuu.

    “Whatever happens, keep working hard, whether I’m there or not. Listen to what Drayden says, I know you can do it....please don’t give him a hard time,” Ryuu said with a bit of emotion in his voice.

    “We’ll both be hoping the best of wishes for you and your future,” Mira said as well.
    Good pacing for a goodbye scene. I often find that this type of scene can be difficult to write without getting bogged down, so I think you handled it pretty well.

    Is that last line a Best Wishes! reference?

    “Drayden, I hatched the egg perfectly. See, the egg used to be this little guy,” Iris picked up the sheet-wrapped Ground-type and handed it to the Spartan Mayor to hold.
    Shouldn't that be "this little guy used to be the egg?"

    Standing near the port with Iris were Drayden, Druddigon, Mira, Ryuu, Dragonite, Shelgon, and Altaria and in Mira’s arms was Trapinch. They were all ready to see the young girl and man off toward the Unova Region. Iris stretched and yawned at the same time.

    “Do we have to leave so early in the morning?” she complained.

    “The earlier we leave the quicker we’ll make it,” Drayden replied. “Plus the ferry doesn’t leave according to what time we want, you mustn’t forget.”
    Nice touch to keep Iris's personality in mind. Her needing to be told that the ferry doesn't go by her schedule fits her personality.

    “Druddigongon!” the Cave Pokémon went over to hug Shelgon and Dragonite and she licked Altaria’s face, much to the Humming Pokémon’s embarrassment.
    I can picture this perfectly. It's a great image.

    The rest that I didn't quote is more or less fine; there's really not anything I feel particularly driven to comment on.

    This was a good chapter. The plot really advanced here quite a bit, which is the strongest suit. You had good pacing as well, so the story details you wanted to tell came across well and were pleasant to read. My only real criticism is the same thing I've mentioned before - comma usage/run-on sentences and a few other spare grammar mistakes here and there. Just proofread a bit more and that should be taken care of nicely.
    Last edited by The Great Butler; 25th April 2013 at 8:49 AM.

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  2. #27
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    "the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type"
    This is an awkward sentence. Saying something is delivered does not evoke speed or action the way a word like flung or shot would.

    I reviewed this chapter once before, and I don't know if it's been revised since then. I don't really remember th plot of this story beyond people putting pokemon in cages and a girl being connected with dragons, but the flow is good enough. Your action scenes have improved vastly over the beginning pahses when it would literally just be people yelling out the names of attacks. Personally, I suggest you put out your fourth chapter before asking for another review. I would like to see what improvements you've made to your style in the intervening months.

    I don't think I have much to say that I didn't say in the last review or that the people above me have said before. But if you have any intention of continuing this stor, you should get on it. There's only so much people can review about three short chapters after all.
    Last edited by An Enemy Spy; 7th May 2013 at 9:53 AM.

  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Great Butler View Post
    Sorry I took so long to manage to get to this.
    That's perfectly fine.

    I noticed that you said in your replies to me previously that this Village of Dragons is outside Unova, but I'm going to guess that it isn't all that far from Unova based on this?
    You would be quite correct on that prediction.

    Try to diversify the sound of your sentences a bit, because if you read this part out loud for example, it would sound repetitive. Try something like this:

    "The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky."
    Aw, yes, sentence wording is something I'll definitely keep in mind for the future.

    Another pointer: sentences such as this are too wordy, which is another think you can detect by reading it aloud. My thought on how to fix it: "One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years."
    Wordyness is a chore to read from a readers standpoint, so I see what you mean when you say that.
    Onto the subject matter of the line itself: I'm intrigued by the comments that seem to be pointing out the population of dragons as an important fact to know. I wonder what it means, exactly?
    Ryuu's a Dragon doctor and in earlier chapters one of the the things he specializes in is keeping the population in check a bit. It was pointed out in chapter two iirc when Ryuu made a comment about the village "growing back up" so to speak.

    Another bit of advice I'd give you is to try to learn when to use semicolons and 'and' instead of commas where appropriate. A semicolon would go well between "village" and "the weather," because both halves of that sentence could also be perfectly acceptible as their own individual sentences. Between "business" and "idle," you could remove the comma and put "and" instead, thus making it "Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man's mind."

    The first sentence here feels a little unnecessary; it could probably be cut down to just "He was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual."
    Gotcha on both of those.

    Though brief, this section gives us a nice little look into Drayden's character. He could seek strength by simply training harder and harder, but instead, he puts priorities on securing his legacy as well, showing that his strength is not merely brute force.
    That's actually what I wanted to emphasize heavily with his character in different parts of this fic. He's quite a masculine character in BW but not enough is focused on his different forms of strength, his non-physical strengths.
    I like how casual and friendly Iris is with Druddigon. It makes the story read a bit lighter.

    I really like the enthusiasm Iris is showing, and Druddigon's personality and knowledge of Dragonite's strength is refreshing to see, because a lot of times Pokemon don't have personality like humans do. The test is another intriguing part - I'd like to learn more about how the tests work and what they're for.
    I wanted to try to portray Druddigon as being sort of childish in a way, I figured it would provide a somewhat entertaining contrast to the appearance of the Pokemon itself. Unfortunately, looking back I wish I had given the test a more larger sense of grandeur than what I did. I regret that earlier decision.

    Did I mention how much I like choosing the newborn-in-the-previous-chapter Druddigon as her starter? Positives in its favor are that it is a fairly unusual species of Pokemon as well as one that she has a strong connection to.
    I figured it would provide a bit of a connection to the two deceased Druddigon and plus in almost every form of canon Iris's starter is never a Druddigon, I figured it would provide an interesting turn to break from the norm of using an Axew-line member right off the bat.

    Good imagery, but I don't understand what "the girl looked up Druddigon" means.
    Thank you for pointing that out, looks like I missed a word.

    Is the second sentence ("To make a statement...") what the flowers are meant to symbolize? If not, the first part is too vague by not identifying what they symbolize.
    I'm actually planning to go back and rework that a bit, basically lilies are the flowers of death.


    I feel like the thoughts here could be expressed a bit more clearly, though I can't quite put my finger on how.
    I think I understand what you mean when you say it could be more clear.


    ...Oh, wow. It took me a minute to realize what the mounds of dirt were, but wow, that really hit me.
    I wanted to make it seem somewhat vague to do just that, though I doubt it would invoke any form of emotion as the Druddigon never had garnered an attachment to the readers. That's just something else I wish I could have done better.

    This is very awkwardly worded and far too wordy for its own good. The exact same thing could be said in a much simpler fashion; for example, "Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions."
    Keeping it in mind and definitely gonna be working to make lines like that more tight-knit.


    Interesting way to play with emotions by having Druddigon be less emotional about this.
    I figured it would only be natural and try to carve that from a real life person's view.

    Okay, that's an interesting turn. I wonder if the fact that Druddigon doesn't have a Poké Ball will be relevant later?
    I actually had a few ideas in mind but nothing planned out for that.

    Wait, wasn't the timeskip two years before? What's this eight months note now?
    "~:~" is meant to stand for a flashback, probably should have given more exposition and made it clearer it was a flashback though.



    Interesting.

    I'm becoming a little confused over the timeline of the events taking place in this chapter, though.
    I'll have to make that clearer when I go back and do edits on this.


    I don't think you need to point out the passive-aggressiveness, it's pretty apparent in the line.

    I like the personality Mira's showing here, though. It's nice that she actually even stands up to Drayden of all people.
    I wanted to make her into a bit of a firecracker in that way.

    Right away I think that while it may be true that many strong trainers leave the village, there are still young people being raised in its environment. Drayden could easily take in someone who hadn't become a trainer yet and train them while building on the village's culture. Of course, he is going to do that anyway, more or less.
    Absolutely correct.
    I already like the dynamic Iris and Drayden have. Her lighthearted attitude compared to his strict personality is an entertaining contradiction.
    I wanted to try to make their interactions bounce a bit more, thank you for the compliment.

    ....THANK YOU.

    Thank you for finally being the one to go and give Iris some substantive backstory. Already I can tell that this ties together details about Iris that are so often complained about very nicely.
    I was actually thinking together an explanation for that for quite some time, I was given the idea from another user last summer. I took the idea and expanded on it a bit and figured it would make sense for the reader more with this ability being somewhat vague in the games.

    I like how you show that Iris isn't totally sure about what this means, too. Obviously she has some more maturing to do.
    Yep, she definitely does.

    And that is adorable too. You're really good at crafting these simple yet memorable little scenes where the characters stand out.
    That really does mean a lot to me, I'm genuinely glad to get a compliment like that.

    I think you should clarify the part about how Drayden 'sped along.' Is he running on foot or driving a car, for example?
    Will do.

    That... that was great. Drayden explained the story well, and it relates to Iris's struggle quite closely. I also like how you expanded on canon in a simple yet impressive way to create the story itself.
    The idea of that was actually taken from an old legend itself.

    I don't completely understand what that italic line is?
    It's meant to symbolize thought.

    Nice callback to an earlier chapter with what the test is.
    That was the plan.

    Good pacing for a goodbye scene. I often find that this type of scene can be difficult to write without getting bogged down, so I think you handled it pretty well.

    Is that last line a Best Wishes! reference?
    I was actually nervous about the goodbye scene, the prospect of Iris meeting Drayden that day and deciding to go with him seemed unrealistic since she would only know him for a short while. I think implementing flashbacks helps it seem more realistic and makes the upcoming goodbye scene's pacing a bit easier to swallow. Yes, that was a reference to BW anime.


    Nice touch to keep Iris's personality in mind. Her needing to be told that the ferry doesn't go by her schedule fits her personality.
    That personality trait will actually be a bit of a small-scale problem in the future.

    This was a good chapter. The plot really advanced here quite a bit, which is the strongest suit. You had good pacing as well, so the story details you wanted to tell came across well and were pleasant to read. My only real criticism is the same thing I've mentioned before - comma usage/run-on sentences and a few other spare grammar mistakes here and there. Just proofread a bit more and that should be taken care of nicely.
    Will do, I appreciate you pointing out those errors too. It allows me to know what I need to improve on in that regard, I've already started working on them and learning more.

    Quote Originally Posted by An Enemy Spy View Post
    "the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type"
    This is an awkward sentence. Saying something is delivered does not evoke speed or action the way a word like flung or shot would.

    I reviewed this chapter once before, and I don't know if it's been revised since then. I don't really remember th plot of this story beyond people putting pokemon in cages and a girl being connected with dragons, but the flow is good enough. Your action scenes have improved vastly over the beginning pahses when it would literally just be people yelling out the names of attacks. Personally, I suggest you put out your fourth chapter before asking for another review. I would like to see what improvements you've made to your style in the intervening months.

    I don't think I have much to say that I didn't say in the last review or that the people above me have said before. But if you have any intention of continuing this stor, you should get on it. There's only so much people can review about three short chapters after all.
    I actually did post a fourth chapter, you might have not noticed it. Thank you for the review.

  4. #29

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    Here is my review for the Review Game: Chapter 4

    I thought that this Chapter was pretty damn cool. We got see see Dryden, one of my favourite characters in BW, and how he needed to choose his next successor.


    Opening: I thought you did quite well with this opening, you introduced Dryden and how he is searching for another successor. It made me want to read on more and find out exactly who he wants to be the successor.

    Scene: One of my favourite scenes from this is when Druddigon was reflecting on itself, and how it didn't want to battle her other Pokemon. This showed the nature of fear that some Pokemon have, which is awesome for a story in terms of character development.

    Dialogue. The dialogue in this story varies from exceptionally well done towards a bit confusing. By this I mean, it's great to read and isn't an eye sore, however there are times where I lost myself when I was reading because the quotes were put in the same place as the narration.

    Plot: I'm not sure what direction you are trying to head in with this story, but you can bet that I definitely wan't to find out I'm assuming it has something to do with Iris and Dryden, and how she could possibly succeed him? I just hope, you plan on adding a twist so that you can make me jump out of my seat
    Last edited by TheBlackDuelist; 30th June 2013 at 10:50 PM.
    Fan Fic: Nexus Renegade
    When a new dimension is created and gives birth to three terrors of the world. The Nexus will judge you
    Currently Under Revision
    Special Thanks to Inudono19 for the Badass Morph of the Creation Trio

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