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Thread: The New Trainer's Story

  1. #1
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    Default The New Trainer's Story (PG)

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    Chapter 1:Leaving Littleroot

    Ash’s story is starting to ware down, so I decided to create something like it.

    It all starts in Littleroot town on Tyler’s birthday, where he is rushing to Professor Birch’s Laboratory. He goes in and rushes Professor Birch to show him the pokemon. “Okay, Mudkip, Treecko, Torchic, Come on out.” Tyler knows of the bat not to pick Torchic because it tried to attack him with ember and Treecko isn’t even listening to him but Mudkip seems playful and energetic.

    “Professor, I choose Mudkip.” Tyler says. “Good choice, here is your pokeballs and pokedex.” he says.” “Thanks.” And In less than an hour he is walking down the Route 101 to Oldale town.

    On his way there Tyler saw gold Poochyena. “Aren’t they supposed to be black?” he said as he battled it. He caught it anyway considering it might be rare. As he kept on going he only saw black Poochyenas.

    Just in time for the sunset, Tyler made it to Oldale town. There he found the Kanto festival and a pokemon rarity rater. When he went there the guy back flipped and Tyler almost traded it for a Wurmple.

    So then as he went through Tyler bought himself Dragonite ice cream and watched the girls dance with eeveeloutions. Then this random guy gave him three eggs and said the came from the Kanto region.

    Then suddenly out of nowhere, these red and blue suited guys gather around the guy and stole the other eggs. Many powerful trainers went to face them including the ones dancing with the eeveeloutions. Most of them just ran away yelling “Who are you!” They eventually announced they are Team Magma and Team Aqua.

    Tyler sent out his Mudkip and Poochyena but they got easily defeated. So Tyler had no choice to flee and go to the Pokémon center. Nurse Joy healed them quickly, but a trainer with a Combusken defeated them and returned the eggs.

    So Tyler decided to settle for the night at the Pokémon center. In a dream he saw a small, pink Pokémon saying to him “Soon, you will understand everything.” And before he knew it, it was morning.

    He decided to stay here another day for the Kant festival. He watched Trainers from Kanto battle and the even showed the Live Indigo Plateau Battles and even got to see all the Official Kanto Pokémon gym badges.

    He also bought a Pikachu pepperoni pizza and he watched the Pokémon fireworks. None of them looked like the Pokémon he saw in his dreams so it might have been his imagination he said as he fell asleep. Again the Pokémon from last night appeared, and said a message more directive and descriptive.

    “Tyler I am not a figure of imagination, I am a legendary Pokémon, one of the first anyway.” The tiny Pokémon said. “I want to send you on a quest but you are not ready.” Then Tyler awoke from his dream.

    The next day right before he left there was a girl yelling “Help, help, someone has taken over the pokemon center!” She exc
    -laimed. So Tyler rushed over and she asked “Can you please help my Treecko is inside! “As she pulled him inside the center.

    Inside were them blue suited people again, but with bagsful of sphere items that were probably pokeballs. Tyler told them “Stop right there.” And they all laughed because how he lost horribly he lost last time. One in a blue suit said “Ha-ha you think you can defeat me, Poochyena, show this loser how to truly fight!” he said as he threw out a pokeball witch contained a Poochyena.

    “All right, Mudkip, come on out and use water gun.” Tyler said as his Mudkip came out and the pokemon shot water out of his mouth at the Poochyena and it hit hard. “Use Bite attack!” and that hit very hard. “Use Mud-slap!” and it knocked out the foe’s Poochyena.

    “Retreat!” they yelled as they ran leaving the pokeballs behind. “Yes!” Tyler yelled as the fled from the building. The girl looked through the pokeballs and said “There you are Treecko. Thanks Tyler can I travel with you?” she asked. “Sure.” he said and the girl said “I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Maylene.” and before they knew it they were walking down Route 102.
    Last edited by Blackkyurem; 14th September 2012 at 8:53 PM.
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  2. #2
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    I can see where you're going with this, and it's a good story. It's a bit choppy though, and a little hard to read. You might want to add some commas in there, it makes the story flow better. But overall, great start, add me to the PM list, commas are your friend. I'm exited about what happens next, will Mew appear?

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    Thank you for the help I will be sure to fix that in Chapter 2:The Hatching Of The Eggs
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    “Professor, I choose Mudkip.” Tyler says. “Good choice, here is your pokeballs and pokedex.” he says.” “Thanks.” And In less than an hour he is walking down the Route 101 to Oldale town.

    I feel like this is very rushed, so he really just walks away and that's it? And then, there is little to none description of poochyena's capture, which is very disappointing. Overall, I was not a huge fan from the start. The first 5-6 lines really turn off the reader because there is no detail at all. Hope you take these things into consideration.

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    I will,thank you
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  6. #6
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    I might sound repetative, but you need more detail in your story. You should edit your post and throw some more detail in. Just remembe to describe your characters in full detail, or at least, semi-detail. This is a problem that I had when I started writing, so I don't want to come across as a jerk, but rather, someone who knows how you feel, bro. Also, you don't have to imediatly rush into choosing a Pokemon, lead into it a bit, introducing the character and their life, THEN their Pokemon. Follow these tips and I'm sure you'll do well.

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  7. #7
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    First if all, definitely more description. Each event, like every new capture and character introduction, is only one paragraph, which makes it feel very rushed and also reduces the impact (such as the wow factor if finding a shiny, for example). Try to stretch it out so each event is longer - I'd say four or five paragraphs each, which could include things like how the characters react and the specific things that could happen. I'd also include much more conversation in the story.

    I'm also a bit concerned that Tyler may be a bit of a 'Mary Sue' - a character that has lots of cool things happen to them for no reason except that the writer wants them to happen to them. I can excuse the Poochyena being shiny, as that can be counted as luck and Poochyena are common Pokemon anyway. However, it's a bit weird about the guy giving him three Pokemon eggs like that, since he doesn't even know him. Think about why the guy gave him the eggs - is he a breeder with surplus stock, is he selling them, or instead of being a random guy, he is actually someone like Tyler's uncle? That makes him seem less Mary Sueish. (Also, I hope you aren't making the three eggs the Kanto starters, since they'd be really rare Pokemon to just hand out, and it also makes the egg guy seem like just a device to give him the starters. If you were planning that, I'd say to make two of them different Pokemon from Kanto instead, this would also make his team more varied). Also, I'd recommend to be really careful about the Mew thing like that. A Legendary choosing someone like that is a common symptom of being a Mary Sue. Again, think why Mew would pick Tyler and not someone else. For instance, Mew in particular likes people with pure hearts, so maybe Tyler is really kind and innocent and so could be trusted not to be corrupted if he got a special power. Something like that.

    Finally, a bit of characterisation is in order. I get the impression that Tyler knows next to nothing about Pokemon - he hasn't heard of Shinies or Mew, for instance. This isn't a criticism - having someone who knows nothing about Pokemon be a trainer could be a cool plot as they have to learn everything and so will make huge improvements on his journey. Anyway, I'd suggest looking at both the human and Pokemon characters and giving them basic personalities at first that will impact how they react to certain events and what they would like to do.

    I know my review is quite negative, but in all honesty I just want you to improve. You do have potential as a writer to make a really cool story, and the framework is there for it - you just need to build on it. Remember, slow down and describe events more, try to justify any cool things that happen to Tyler, and give your characters some personalities. I feel that this will help make your story better in the long run. Good luck!

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  8. #8
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    I like the story so far, but Chibi_Muffin is right: Taylor is a male Marie-Sue. I had troubles at the start of my own fic, with my character having two legends, and i had to try really hard to play down the whole 'Mary-Sue' thing, in fact, My character, Kay, has now lost her Cobalion and found out her brother is a Team Plasma executive. But enough with my fic, you should try to play down the whole Mary-Sue thing. The fic also is too fast paced, and it also needs more description. It seems like a bit of improvement tweaking could easily make this fic really good.

    In other words, just listen to Chibi_Muffin, if it wasn't for her giving me advice, my fic would be locked and forgotten.

    And also, if it's not to much, could you add me to the PM list?
    Last edited by KyuremCraze; 15th September 2012 at 9:42 AM.
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  9. #9
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    Sure,and thank you.
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  10. #10
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    BTW, KyuremCraze, I'm a girl. =P Just thought I'd say.

    But, yeah, it's just problems with explanation. I think slowing down the story would help a lot, as it would give you more time to expand the characters, to describe the setting and also to explain why these things are happening to Tyler. It all just stems from the one problem of being a bit rushed, really.

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