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Thread: Carlos Quest

  1. #1
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    Default Carlos Quest

    This a story about a boy name carlos traveling in sinnoh with his 3 friends jared dylan and charm i hope you enjoy it

    chapter 1 a start of a new journey

    Carlos woke up full of excitement because he was going to get his starter Pokemon and begin his journey as a Pokemon trainer.

    He jumped out of bed and started to pack his things, 'don't forget your invitation dear' his mom called from the doorway.

    'Thanks mom, i was in such a rush to get everything packed it completely slipped my mind', he said stuffing the small card into his bag.

    'That's what i'm here for' she said with a smile, 'hadn't you better get going, you don't want to be late'.

    Carloss picked up his bag, walked out of his room and started to walk towards the front door, 'aren't you forgetting something?' said mom.

    'Oh sorry, bye Mom' he said leaning in to give her a hug and kiss goodbye, and then he ran to Professor Rowan's lab, all the time thinking of which starter he was going to pick.

    Once he arrived at the lab, he was met by a man in a white lab coat, 'hello young man, it's always nice to meet a new trainer, i'm Professor Rowan, nice to meet you' he said with a grin.

    'Nice to meet you to sir' Carlos said in an excited tone, 'my name's Carlos'.

    'So Carlos, have you decided on which starter you would like?' asked Professor Rowan.

    'I still can't decide to be honest Professor' he said with a confused look.

    Carlos was shown to a table where there was a Piplup and Chimchar sat together, eating Pokemon food, 'excuse me Professor' he asked 'but what happened to Turtwig?'

    'A young man named Dylan came about an hour ago and claimed Turtwig' said the Professor.

    'I should have known he'd beat me to getting a starter' Carlos said angrily, 'well these two are just as good' said the Professor 'so which would you like Carloss?'

    'I think i'll go with Piplup please Professor' he said looking down at the two small Pokemon.

    'Good choice' said Professor Rowan, returning Piplup to its Pokeball and then handed it to Carlos

    'Thanks Professor' he said happily, and started walking towards the exit. 'Not so fast' said the Professor 'you won't get very far without these', he handed Carlos 5 more Pokeballs and a Pokedex.

    'Thanks again Professor' he said, 'no problem' the Professor replied 'just promise me that you'll take good care of your new partner'.

    'I promise' i said slipping the Pokeballs and Pokedex into my pocket and heading towards the exit.

    'You should think about heading to Jubilife City' suggested Professor Rowan 'that's where the nearest Pokemon Centre is, so you'll be able to register yourself for Pokemon Contests or Gym Battles, so which one are you going to choose?'

    'Both' said Carlos confidently.

    'Well that sounds like a lot of work, but i wish you luck' said the Professor.

    'Thanks Professor' said Carlos with a smile 'i'd better get going'

    'Goodbye Carlos and good luck on your journey' shouted the Professor as Carloss started to run down the road towards Jubilife City.

    On the way Carlos decided to take a short break and have some lunch by a near by lake, he hadn't been there very long when he noticed something that looked like a Pokemon in the middle of the lake.

    Carlos reached for his Pokedex, but by the time he opened the case to check for an entry the mysterious creature had vanished.

    'What was that?' Carlos said turning to Piplup.

    'Piplup, Pip' chirped Piplup shaking its head.

    'Well it's long gone now, so there's no point worrying about it' said Carlos packing everything away 'return Piplup' he said calling Piplup back into its Pokeball, picking up his bag and continuing his journey.

    He hadn't been walking long when he spotted another trainer, and as he got closer it turned out to be his best friend Jared.

    'Hey Jared' said Carlos 'are you headed for Jubilife City too?'

    'Sure am' said Jared excitedly 'how would you like to have a battle with me, so that we can see how well we can handle our starters?'

    'You're on' said Carlos, reaching for his Pokeball 'go Piplup'.

    'Nice starter' said Jared 'but not as nice as mine, go Chimchar'.

    The two Pokemon appeared in front of their trainers and started to size each other up.

    'Just because we're friends, don't think that i'll go easy on you' said Carlos.

    'I wouldn't have it any other way' said Jared.

    'Alright Piplup lets get this battle started, use Bubble Beam' ordered Carlos.

    'Chimchar, counter that with Flamethrower' ordered Jared.

    The two attacks were very evenly matched, but both Pokemon were going to give it everything they had.

    'Fury Swipes Chimchar' ordered Jared.

    Chimchar lunged towards Piplup, with it's claws extended.

    'Peck Piplup' ordered Carlos.

    Piplup flew towards Chimchar ready to counter it again. 'Your Chimchar is really strong' said Carlos.

    'So is your Piplup' said Jared.

    The attacks collided in mid-air and both Pokemon were knocked to the ground.

    They both knew that neither Pokemon was going to give up, so they needed to pull out all the stops.

    'Lets finish this Piplup, Whirlpool' ordered Carlos.

    'Oh no you don't' said Jared 'Flame Wheel Chimchar'.

    The two Pokemon hit each other with every bit of strength they had left, and they were both knocked out cold from the resulting collision.

    'NOOO!!' shouted Jared.

    'Well it looks like we have a tie' said Carlos disappointed, as they called back their Pokemon.

    'I guess you're right' agreed Jared 'but that was a great battle'.

    'Definetley' agreed Carlos 'you're going to do great on your journey'.

    'Thanks, i'm hoping to compete in both contests and gyms' said Jared with a grin.

    'Me too' said Carlos 'looks like we're going to be rivals'

    'I suppose you're right' said Jared 'how would you like to travel together, we could help each other out along the way'.

    'Sounds like a good idea to me' said Carlos.

    'Then it's agreed' said Jared shaking Carlos' hand.

    The two young trainers gathered their things and carried on down the road to Jubilife City, eager to get registered at the Pokemon Center, and start the next part of their Pokemon journey.

  2. #2
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    Not a bad basis, but there are some things that could use some polishing before you continue with your fic.

    The main one that's noticeable is grammar; there's various mistakes there that distract from the story and could be simply picked up from a spell/grammar checker, never mind a proofread. Please run your chapters through one and take the time to proofread before posting as there is a quality standard required for this section, and maybe even more importantly it can put off potential readers, who'd rather go check out a fic with less mistakes.

    A few examples:
    He jumped out of bed and started to pack his things, 'don't forget your invitation dear' his mom called from the doorway.
    It'd be better to have two sentences there. Best way to check imo is to read aloud and see if it sounds like there should be a full stop or not. It makes sense too - the first part is about him jumping out of bed and packing, while the next is a separate topic in itself (his mum saying something to him).

    You'd also want to use some punctuation between the quotation marks. There's a few options, but a very quick guide is as follows; if what comes after the dialogue flows on from the sentence/tells us who said it and/or how it was said, treat the two parts as one sentence and don't use a full stop. Otherwise, you can use anything bar a comma. E.g.:
    "The dog barked," said the man.
    "The dog barked." Then the room exploded.
    In both cases a ! would also work. Notice also in the second case (where there are two sentences, one ending with the end of dialogue) that Then is capitalised, but not in the first case.
    SO for the above quote, the changes would become:
    He jumped out of bed and started to pack his things,. 'Don't forget your invitation dear,' his mom called from the doorway.
    Another instance:
    'Thanks mom, i was in such a rush to get everything packed it completely slipped my mind', he said stuffing the small card into his bag.

    'That's what i'm here for' she said with a smile, 'hadn't you better get going, you don't want to be late'.
    becomes:
    'Thanks mom, I was in such a rush to get everything packed it completely slipped my mind,' he said, stuffing the small card into his bag.

    'That's what I'm here for,' she said with a smile. 'Hadn't you better get going? You don't want to be late'.
    I moved some commas into the quotation marks rather than outside them, added another in the first sentence ('he said, stuffing the...'), and split the last bit of dialogue into two sentences. I also capitalised the I's/I'm's, another thing that a spell/grammar checker would surely pick up on.

    There's more stuff, but you can go through the main stuff yourself as it's mostly typos, lack of capitalisation/missing punctuation, etc. You can always ask questions about things if you are unsure, as well as google for various grammar guides. There's cases where you had 'I said' as well which was kinda confusing as well, so be sure to proofread.

    So the next thing I'll talk about is the story itself, and that certainly could use some more fleshing out. The main issue is that with this sort of beginning, you're not really offering anything new. There's a lot of fics out there with the typical 'person wakes up, speaks with family, meets professor, gets Pokemon, maybe has a battle' structure, and that in itself is not very interesting (after all, that's your typical beginning for a Pokemon game as well, and why read something just like the games when you can play them instead?) Same goes for the general 'trainer battles gyms/contests and beats up an evil team to save the world with maybe legendaries along the way too' plot. So think about how you go about that; check out other fics to see what sets them apart (and in cases, what doesn't) and make sure your story puts something new on the table.

    Description is another thing. What does the setting look like? Or the characters? Furthermore, how do events happen, and how do people react to them? Take the battle for instance; you mention what attacks are used, but very little on what they are actually like. If you were say to describe the heat from the fire type attacks, and how the Pokemon reacted to taking a hit, etc, it's suddenly far more interesting to read. Be sure also to show rather than tell (e.g. rather than 'it was hurt' say 'it winced', 'it shrieked', etc; some detail that shows us it is hurt without telling us bluntly. (Again - why read a battle that says 'They used ____ and they were giving it their all', etc, when you get basically the same thing reading the info and looking at HP bars in the game?)

    As a side note, those seem like some pretty powerful attacks for newly-obtained starter Pokemon to know as well. Flamethrower and Bubblebeam for instance? Seems unusually strong there. Consider such things with the story, and don't always go for the most awesome move (otherwise the story comes out as unbelievable).

    That's enough for now; fair bit there to help you on your way. Good luck with your fic!

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  3. #3
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    You seem to have switched between first persona, and narrator at one point, I think more description would definitely help and try to give your characters more personality, they seem very, like rushed? I think you should slow down and take your time when describing what exactlys happening, and I have to agree with bobandbill in the way that this beginning has been seen before, the best thing you can do is mix it up abit in your next chapter I hope I helped
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    You seem to have switched between first persona, and narrator at one point, I think more description would definitely help and try to give your characters more personality, they seem very, like rushed? I think you should slow down and take your time when describing what exactlys happening, and I have to agree with bobandbill in the way that this beginning has been seen before, the best thing you can do is mix it up abit in your next chapter I hope I helped
    these batch of starters were stronger then useaul
    thats why I gave them those moves

    yeah the first 3 chapters are useally the boring part

    since I cant really think of away to make it intresting

    but once we reach jubilife city it get more intresting

    an some point when I get the time Im planing on redoing the first chapter

  5. #5
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    Hey! You pm'ed me to read this and comment, so here we go!

    Theres not alot you can say about first chapters, content and story wise, but i can try my best. Carlos just seems like any ordinary beginning trainer at the moment, excited but nervous about beginning his journey. What you could do as the story progresses is give him a distinctive personality to set him apart from other trainers/ friends / rivals. You captured rowans personality very well, i don't know why but it just works for him, being an old wise man and the line "you won't be going very far without these" (referring to pokeballs) its lines like this that build character, i.e. rowan shows his vast knowledge of pokemon.
    Next up is your description. Overall it is good, but you could describe the scene for the reader. If the reader cannot picture the location in their head they may get confused and not read any more. And your attacks also were ok, but the same as before the reader needs to picture the attack i.e. what part of the body used etc. A battle in your fic should be like a battle in the anime. Random example time: "Turtwig used razor leaf, a pile of leafs blew up in the air, and hurled their way towards the unsuspecting Piplup. The leaves hit the blue penguin all over, and was hurt really badly, then fell to the ground." See what i mean.

    Overall this is a good start. There were a few mistakes, one being saying Carloss instead of Carlos. You changed person from narrator and Carlos and back, but its an easy mistake to make. Good start, those mistakes are easily fixed, lets hope that the Turtwig doesn't get mistreated. =D
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  6. #6
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    Bobandbill, Ladylady and PaddysTurtwigFanClub said pretty much everything I would say at this point. Remember to capitalise your Is, to use capital letters at the start of sentences and also to use commas if you're connecting things without using words such as and, but and because. I think there could be more description as well, such as what the characters look like and how they do the things they do - for instance, if Carlos is excited, how is he excited? Is he jumping around, does he have a big grin, is he shivering?

    I'd also say to work on your character's personalities a bit, this can be done through what they say, what they do and it can be also shown through the description; a braver character might go for gym battles and shout a lot while a shy character would prefer breeding and avoid talking, for instance. Also stick to either third ('Carlos said') or first ('I said') person to avoid confusion. I'd also, as mention before, consider adding another plot or something else exciting to make your story a but different. This fan fiction isn't bad though, there's definitely some potential here. You just need to clean it up a little bit and add some spice to it. Good luck!

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  7. #7
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    ok Im back with chapter 2 alot happens this chapter


    Chapter 2: To Catch a Pokemon

    Carlos and Jared were walking when Carlos saw a Starly. He decided to catch it so he sent out his Piplup.

    Piplup used Bubble.

    The Starly dodge it by using Double Team.

    Piplup used Peck as he charged toward the Starly.

    Starly quickly dodged the attack by using Areal Ace, then the Starly used Wing Attack.

    Piplup used Aqua Jet and hit Starly.

    Starly fell to the ground.

    Carlos quickly threw a Pokeball at Starly. The ball begin to wiggle and wiggle. Finally, the ball stopped wiggling. Carlos picked up the Pokeball and said, “I caught a Starly!”. He then put the Pokeball in his pocket.

    Jared told Carlos; “Now it's my turn to catch a Pokemon too!”.

    Jared was walking when he saw a Mukrow and he decide to catch it.

    Jared sent out his Chimchar and told it use Furry Swipes.

    The Mukrow dodged the attack and started to peck Chimchar. Jared told Chimchar to use Fire Spin on the Mukrow, KO-ing it.

    Jared quickly threw a Pokeball. The ball begin to wiggle and wiggle. Finally, the ball stopped wiggling.

    Jared picked up the Pokeball and said, “I caught a Mukrow!”. He then put the Pokeball in his pocket.

    The two then continued to head toward Jubilife City. While they were walking they saw a Energy Ball.

    Jared asked what it was. Carlos told Jared, “I don't know. Let's go check it out!”

    So they continued walking...

    “Go Pokeball!” A boy said.

    He threw the Pokeball and the ball stopped wiggling.

    The boy picked up the Pokeball and said, “I caught a Trapinch!”. He then put the Pokeball in his pocket.

    Then the boy noticed his friends Carlos and Jared.

    Carlos and Jared asked Dylan what he was on a journey for.

    Dylan told them that it was to become a trainer and top coordinator.

    Both boys said, “Me too!”.

    Turtwig started to bite Jared's head.

    Jared started running around; “Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Get this thing off me Dylan!!!”

    Dylan told Jared that it was just Turtwig's way of showing that he likes you, as he told Turtwig to get off of Jared.

    Turtwig then went an try and bite Carlos.

    However, Carlos quickly dodged Turtwig, then he gave Turtwig some Pokemon food.

    Turtwig happily ate the Pokemon food, then Turtwig went and licked Carlos.

    Carlos began petting Turtwig before Dylan returned his Turtwig to its Pokeball.

    Now the three of them headed for Jubilife City.

    While the three of them were walking they heard people talking about a really strong Shinx.

    Carlos told Jared, “I'm gonna catch that Shinx!”

    Jared told Carlos, “Not if I get the Shinx first!”

    Carlos told Jared, “I bet thirty bucks I get the Shinx before you.”

    Jared told Carlos, “You are so on!” as he shook Carlos' hand.

    The three boys went to look for the Shinx.

    Meanwhile as Dylan was looking for the Shinx, a girl with a white shirt and blue jeans asked him if he could please help her look for her Riolu. Dylan said “Sure!” then he the asked the girl what her name was.

    The girl said, “I'm Charm.”

    Dylan told Charm, “I'm Dylan. Nice to meet you!”

    The two of them then went to look for Riolu.

    Meanwhile, Jared was looking for the Shinx.

    Finally he manged to find Shinx!

    “Alright Chimchar, you're up!” he said, sending out his Chimchar. “Now Chimchar use Flamewheel!”

    Shinx used Wild Bolt.

    The move pushed the Flamewheel back and sent Chimchar flying into the air.

    Chimchar landed on his feet as the Shinx fled.

    Meanwhile, Carlos decided to make some Pokemon food.

    Carlos placed the food out and them he and his Piplup hid in the bushes.

    The Shinx ate the Pokemon food.

    “Here's our chance Piplup! Use bubble!”

    Shinx quickly dodged the attack and used Wildbolt, sending Piplup into the air.

    Piplup started glowing... but it wasn't evolving, it was using Bide.

    Shinx fired off multiple Iron Tails on Piplup but Piplup used bide, KO-ing the Shinx.

    “Go Pokeball!” Carlos said as the ball begin to wiggle and wiggle. Finally, the ball stopped wiggling.

    Carlos picked up the Pokeball and said, “I caught a Shinx!”. He then put the Pokeball in his pocket and then went looking for Jared and Dylan.

    Carlos was walking when he saw a Riolu. However, it was different from a normal Riolu.

    Carlos picked up the Riolu and hugged it while saying, “Aw! You're so cute and powerful!”. He continued to hug the Riolu.

    The Riolu smiled at Carlos then the Riolu told Carlos, “I'm cute! I'm cute! Now can you put me down?!” Carlos put the Riolu down. Jared saw Carlos and asked him if he caught the shinx. Carlos tossed a Pokeball and out came the Shinx.

    Jared, annoyed, gave Carlos his thirty bucks.

    Riolu then asked Carlos and Jared if they could please help him find his trainer. Both boys told Riolu, “Sure!” Carlos then asked Riolu what she looked like and Riolu told them that she had a white shirt, blue jeans, and black hair.

    The three begin to look for Riolu's trainer.

    A girl suddenly ran up and hugged Riolu, then then she thanked the two boys for finding her Riolu.

    Jared said to the girl, “Don't thank me. Thank Carlos. He is the one who found Riolu.” The girl thanked Carlos. Carlos said, “No problem”. The girl then hugged Dylan and said to him and Jared, “Thanks for helping me!”

    Both boys said no problem.

    The girl then introduced herself as Charm.

    “I'm Jared. Nice to meet you. Oh and you already met Carlos and Dylan. Hey guys, who won the bet?” Carlos said, “I did” as he pointed to his Shinx.

    Then Charm asked everyone if they were doing contests or gym battles. All three said both and Charm told the three guys that she was doing both too!

    So, the four of them continued on to Jubilife City.
    Last edited by lucario750; 4th September 2012 at 7:30 PM.

  8. #8
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    Hello again,
    Firstly i will point out the good points, i am glad you described the way moves were performed in this chapter, how they affected the pokemon.
    At the beginning, you said there would be alot going on in this chapter, i agree there was alot going on. Your biggest undoing is the fact, there is TOO much going on. Carlos caught 2 pokemon in that chapter, if this rate keeps up, he will have the pokedex done in 3 chapters time.

    You have tried to cram too much into one chapter, this makes the reader confused because too much is going on.
    I think you should edit that to make your fic a bit better=D
    + I love dylans turtwig, you gave it a personality!
    My Shiny Pokemon:

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    Alright, the battle scenes are nice, but I think it'd be good to try to describe the moves individually more. For instance, you could describe Aqua Jet as the Pokemon charging forwards in a spiral of water, so then people get a better idea of what the attack actually looks like. I won't mention the personality thing though, as my last post wasn't too long ago, but there does seem do be some personality for Turtwig and Riolu, so good job on that. By the way, why does Riolu talk? Do all Pokemon talk here, or is it just Riolu? I think it would be good to explain that. I also agree that the captures were a little rushed, in my opinion, so slowing down is an option here.

    I do like the humour you are using though, such as the bet and Riolu not liking being called cute. It gives a bit more of a flavour to the story rather than just being a generic trainer fic. It also makes the characters seem more like friends having fun, as their interactions are more exciting - they'd have to be close, but a bit competitive to set up a bet. =D

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    Alright, the battle scenes are nice, but I think it'd be good to try to describe the moves individually more. For instance, you could describe Aqua Jet as the Pokemon charging forwards in a spiral of water, so then people get a better idea of what the attack actually looks like. I won't mention the personality thing though, as my last post wasn't too long ago, but there does seem do be some personality for Turtwig and Riolu, so good job on that. By the way, why does Riolu talk? Do all Pokemon talk here, or is it just Riolu? I think it would be good to explain that. I also agree that the captures were a little rushed, in my opinion, so slowing down is an option here.

    I do like the humour you are using though, such as the bet and Riolu not liking being called cute. It gives a bit more of a flavour to the story rather than just being a generic trainer fic. It also makes the characters seem more like friends having fun, as their interactions are more exciting - they'd have to be close, but a bit competitive to set up a bet. =D

    an about the riolu all pokemon dont talk just the riolu talk

    whats special about the riolu its a different color an it can talk


    Quote Originally Posted by PaddysTurtwigFanClub View Post
    Hello again,
    Firstly i will point out the good points, i am glad you described the way moves were performed in this chapter, how they affected the pokemon.
    At the beginning, you said there would be alot going on in this chapter, i agree there was alot going on. Your biggest undoing is the fact, there is TOO much going on. Carlos caught 2 pokemon in that chapter, if this rate keeps up, he will have the pokedex done in 3 chapters time.

    You have tried to cram too much into one chapter, this makes the reader confused because too much is going on.
    I think you should edit that to make your fic a bit better=D
    + I love dylans turtwig, you gave it a personality!
    didnt ash caugh caterpie an pidgyotto on the same episode

    an couldnt think of anything for shinx plus the shinx chapter would be way to short

  11. #11
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    Hi man- good stuff and not a bad start- here's my input for you.

    1) I feel that having so many characters being on the same quest is good- however having all of them in 1 party is way too crammed ( at least that's how I feel) and would be much harder to develop- I'm not sure if you read any shounen mangas. You see a variety of characters- but rivals are usually on different teams and they are developed better when you don't write about them as much- not sure if I make sense. Take the anime for example, we see Ash developing as the main character and we see Paul being his best rival as of yet- however Paul was defined very well through numerous small encounters rather than being in the same party as Ash. Also if they all travel together they would know each others style which makes their eventual battles in the league less interesting - or rather less room to maneuver

    2)I agree the main characters need defining personalities- maybe have one being reckless, one who's calculating but don't take risks and one who thinks outside the box- I don't know how you want to develop them but that's my opinion.

    3)Having rivals with the same goals in the same party- like you've done making them compete is good but if they do that for every pokemon that will become boring. They need to go on their own paths and catch what they want- I just feel that if they compete for pokemons all the time this may harm their team building and restrict their choices. Of course they can catch the same pokemon later but the makes it seem less interesting.

    4) If you do decide to make the party less- maybe have one feel they are either inferior/superior and need to leave the party to focus on themselves. ( just a idea)

    Btw I like the talking riolu- some special features are cool as long as they remain "rare". Catching many pokemons I don't have a problem with as long as the main team has good development however this is likely to egg the other rivals go on a catching spree to prove a point.

    I'll focus only on the story aspect, I'm sure the grammar etc others will comment if it's bad but I can read it fine- hope this helps you - but I would've like carlos to pick chimchar ;D
    Last edited by Mcloving; 5th September 2012 at 10:02 PM.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mcloving View Post
    Hi man- good stuff and not a bad start- here's my input for you.

    1) I feel that having so many characters being on the same quest is good- however having all of them in 1 party is way too crammed ( at least that's how I feel) and would be much harder to develop- I'm not sure if you read any shounen mangas. You see a variety of characters- but rivals are usually on different teams and they are developed better when you don't write about them as much- not sure if I make sense. Take the anime for example, we see Ash developing as the main character and we see Paul being his best rival as of yet- however Paul was defined very well through numerous small encounters rather than being in the same party as Ash. Also if they all travel together they would know each others style which makes their eventual battles in the league less interesting - or rather less room to maneuver

    2)I agree the main characters need defining personalities- maybe have one being reckless, one who's calculating but don't take risks and one who thinks outside the box- I don't know how you want to develop them but that's my opinion.

    3)Having rivals with the same goals in the same party- like you've done making them compete is good but if they do that for every pokemon that will become boring. They need to go on their own paths and catch what they want- I just feel that if they compete for pokemons all the time this may harm their team building and restrict their choices. Of course they can catch the same pokemon later but the makes it seem less interesting.

    4) If you do decide to make the party less- maybe have one feel they are either inferior/superior and need to leave the party to focus on themselves. ( just a idea)

    Btw I like the talking riolu- some special features are cool as long as they remain "rare". Catching many pokemons I don't have a problem with as long as the main team has good development however this is likely to egg the other rivals go on a catching spree to prove a point.

    I'll focus only on the story aspect, I'm sure the grammar etc others will comment if it's bad but I can read it fine- hope this helps you - but I would've like carlos to pick chimchar ;D
    um that was a 1 time thing

    an for the league there be battleing different person

    an about the the captures
    it wont be a problem since charm done catching pokes for awhile
    jared well gain allmost a full party of pokemon

    that just leaves carlos an dylan

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    Quote Originally Posted by lucario750 View Post
    um that was a 1 time thing

    an for the league there be battleing different person

    an about the the captures
    it wont be a problem since charm done catching pokes for awhile
    jared well gain allmost a full party of pokemon

    that just leaves carlos an dylan
    Sorry I'm a little confused- with regards to the 1 time thing- do you mean the betting or the party will split up?
    Also- they will battle different people at the league- that's a given but if they keep winning they are bound to battle each other unless they lose early on

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mcloving View Post
    Sorry I'm a little confused- with regards to the 1 time thing- do you mean the betting or the party will split up?
    Also- they will battle different people at the league- that's a given but if they keep winning they are bound to battle each other unless they lose early on
    I mean the bet

    an 1 of them well make it to the finals I wont say who thow

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    sorry it took so long with this chapter I been busy

    anyways this is my first filler

    not sure how do fillers



    Chapter 3: Charm vs. Mary

    The group of 4 were heading to Jubilife City when they decided to stop for lunch.

    They sent out their Pokemon while Carlos started making lunch.

    Charm started petting Turtwig and Turtwig jumped into Charm's arms and started licking her face.

    Jared asked Dylan why his Turtwig didn't bite Charm.

    Dylan told Jared it was because his Turtwig showed his affection a different way when around girls.

    Dylan started petting Eevee.

    Eevee smiled then she started blushing every time Dylan's Absol was around her.

    Jared started petting Larvitar and Larvitar smiled at Jared.

    Then Charm went over and started playing Frisbee with Starly and Mukrow.

    Lunch was ready, but Carlos told everyone to wait a bit for the food to cool down.

    Carlos started playing fetch with Torchic then decided to pet Charm's Buneary.

    Charm went over to play with Jared's Chimchar.

    Piplup got a bit jealous and fired Bubble at Charm.

    Charm asked what that was for.

    Piplup, in poke talk, said it was for not giving him any attention.

    Charm told Piplup she was so sorry and she started playing with Piplup.

    Piplup smiled at Charm.

    Jared started playing peek a boo with Charm's Dratini.

    Dratini smiled since it really liked the game peek a boo.

    Charm then went and started playing with Trapinch.

    Carlos told everyone lunch was ready and everyone started to eat their food.

    Everyone asked for seconds!

    Jared, Dylan, Charm, and Riolu said that it was the best food they had had in ages.

    Carlos told everyone thanks.

    After everyone was done eating, all the Pokemon were returned to their Pokeballs except Charm's Riolu.

    Charm asked Carlos and the gang if anyone wanted to battle because she really want Riolu to evolve.

    Dylan told Charm, “I'll battle!” and Carlos decided to be judge.

    In the battle between Charm and Dylan, each trainer was allowed to use only one Pokemon.

    And the battle began!

    “Riolu, you're up!”

    Dylan tossed a Pokeball and out came Absol.

    Riolu used Quick Attack.

    “Absol, use you're Quick Attack!”

    Absol dashed forward with blinding speed and hit Riolu before Riolu's Quick Attack could hit him.

    Riolu used Force Palm, slamming his hand forward.

    Absol countered it with Iron Tail. The suddenly strong tail hit Riolu, sending Riolu into the air.

    Riolu landed safely, but he was getting tired.

    Charm told Dylan that she forfeit as she gave Riolu an Oran Berry. She then told Dylan, “Your Absol is really strong.”

    Dylan told Charm thanks and that, “The same goes for your Riolu.”

    Charm and Riolu were a bit sad however, over how bad the battle turned out to be.

    The three boys told Charm that her Riolu would evolve soon.

    Then the four continued to head towards Jubilife City.

    While they were walking a girl asked one of them for a battle.

    Charm told the girl, “I'll battle you.”

    The girl then introduced herself as Mary.

    “I'm Charm. Nice to meet you.”

    “I'm Carlos.”

    “I'm Jared.”

    “I'm Dylan.”

    Then Carlos said that the battle between Charm and Mary could now begin and that each trainer was allowed to use one Pokemon.

    “Riolu! You're up!”

    Mary sent out a Pokeball and out came Monferno.

    Riolu used Force Palm, the move faster than before when used on Absol.

    Monferno dodged however and used Mach Punch, a lightning fast closed fist punch hitting Riolu pretty hard.

    Monferno followed it up with Furry Swipes, claws digging at Riolu in a flurry of motion.

    Riolu used Quick Attack, sprinting forward at a blinding pace and hitting Monferno... but the attack hardly did anything to Monferno.

    Monferno used Flamethower, fire flaring out to try and engulf Riolu, and then used Mach Punch.

    Riolu manged to dodge the Flamethower but was hit pretty hard by the closed fist Mach Punch.

    Riolu fell to the ground.

    Charm told Riolu, “You can do this! I know you can! I believe in you Riolu!”

    With every bit strength Riolu had left, he started glowing...

    Riolu started evolving!!!

    Charm's jaw dropped and Carlos looked up Lucario in his Pokedex.

    Mary told Monferno to use Flamethower.

    Lucario reached out and redirected the Flamethower back at Monferno, reflecting it with twice the power, not even a single flame singeing Lucario!

    Monferno was hit but soon got up.

    Dylan was surprised that Charm's Lucario had learned Physic.

    Charm, surprised and excited, told Lucario, “Let's end this with Physic!”

    Lucario reached out, an unseen power coming from his paw that quickly KO-ed Monferno!

    “Monferno is unable to battle! The winner is Charm and her Lucario!”

    “We did it!” said Charm as she hugged her Lucario.

    Mary returned Monferno to its Pokeball.

    Mary told Charm, “Thank you Charm for an awesome battle.”

    Charm then thanked Mary because of her Riolu had finally evolved.

    Mary told Charm that it was no problem and she waved goodbye to her new friends as she left.

    The four waved and said goodbye to Mary.

    Carlos then hugged Lucario saying, “You evolved! You're tougher and cuter and stronger then before!” he said still hugging Lucario.

    Lucario smiled and was a bit annoyed that Carlos kept calling him cute. “Would you mind letting me go?”

    “Oh, sorry” Carlos said as he let go of Lucario.

    Charm asked Carlos, “You really like Lucario... don't you?”

    Carlos told Charm, “I sure do! I hope I get a Riolu or Lucario too one day.”

    Charm told him she was sure he'd get one someday.

    Carlos told Charm that he hoped so.

    The four of them then continued to head toward Jubilife City.

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