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Thread: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Ember of Hope

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    Default Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Ember of Hope

    Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Ember of Hope


    Chapter 1: Transformation

    It was dark and damp. I could smell radiator oil all the way here. And I sat in my place, too cold to move or talk. I could strangely see my misty breath even though it was dark. I shiver even more as the temperature of my body drops again. I tried to remember how I got here in the first place—I was sure I knew—and yet my mind kept turning up blanks. I groan as the cold around me gets even colder. I’m surprised I haven’t died yet.

    No, the cold was distracting me again. I have to remember why I am here but…I…can’t…

    I think even harder, making more heat escape my skin. But the more I try to remember, the more I forget why I’m here, like trying to keep ahold of a slippery fish. I try to remember even harder and then I realize something.

    What am I?

    I look to my hands, forgetting I was even cold, but found that I could not see my hands. I start to panic. What happened? Am I blind? Am I handless? Or is it just dark? No, I could see a light from atop of me. I try to move to see if there’s anything around me, but I realize I could not move. I begin to panic even more. I struggle against my invisible restraints, but nothing happens. My breath quickens and I struggle even harder. But then I stop upon hearing a word.

    Cease.

    My breath slows down to normal. The voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t place who it was. Suddenly, I felt like my body was shifting around me. Strangely, it wasn’t painful, but I heard the sound you would hear when you’re jiggling meat or fat. I could feel myself getting shorter, my fingers and arms as well. But my head shifted its shape instead of shortening. My mouth and nose feel like they merge and elongate ever so slightly. And I felt something come out of my rear.

    The shifting started to become uncomfortable, and so I start squirming. The sickly sound continued as I felt myself being reshaped. I squirmed even more as it actually started to hurt. I begin to groan as my chest felt like it was on fire and my skin feeling like it was being pinched in a million places. But then...

    Cease, I said. Cease!

    My body obeys the command even though it now feels like it’s going through hell……Wait a second……What is hell?

    Then, my brain feels like it’s been set on fire as well. I scream in agony as my mind tried to off the mental fire. As if it could. I started kicking and bucking, the pain growing more intense. I could feel as if the fire was burning my memories into ashes. I let an agonizing scream as I felt the pain skyrocket beyond my threshold. I slump in my position, now feeling like I’m in a chair. I pant and gasp as I realize that the pain made it excruciatingly difficult to remember my memories, whatever they were.

    It is complete. Shall I…?

    I hear the voice say. I looked around, now that I feel like I’m in an actual body. My eyes are open, but all I could see was a deep dark purple void with a bright white light on top of me. Suddenly, the place started to tremble and shake, my restraints disappearing, and then I felt the ground under me was pulled and I started to fall.

    I screamed, even though the back of my mind said that it was pointless. I could feel I was tumbling out of control but I did nothing as I heard an important and familiar voice that I couldn’t remember, utter a sentence.

    “She is nothing to me… Not anymore…”

    And then everything turned white. Slowly, my vision starts to make out colors and hues and once the image was settled, I felt I was dropped onto the ground from a few inches above it. My memories were swarming to me even though they were smoldered. I tried to keep my hold on them but my ordeal earlier has left me tired and I start to feel lightheaded.

    I battled my fatigued body to stay awake. I’m not sure why, but those memories were important. But even my mind was tired and soon I lost the battle and drift into unconsciousness.




    I groaned in pain as I started to awaken. I slowly opened my eyes, the slowing the process. Soon, I fully open my eyes but then I regret it and squeeze them shut from the brightness of the sun…

    Wait…What is a sun?

    I panic, although I’m not entirely sure why, and stand up. But I quickly regret that when my whole body protested as it was sore. I wobble before I sit down, but it doesn’t calm me one bit. I started to breath rapidly. One part of my head was panicking because it said that something was wrong. I tried to find what was wrong and started to clutch my head in concentration.

    I did my absolute best, but I couldn’t remember anything that could prove the situation was wrong. I let my arms fall to my sides and then I sigh. But then I saw orange feet with claws as toes in front of me. Where are my feet? Those can’t be my feet, can they? I then feel an itch on my foot and start scratching it. I then realize that I was scratching the orange foot.

    In shock, I stopped itching the foot. I then tried to wiggle my toes and then the claw toes of the orange foot wiggle. I started to dread this for some reason. I then move my foot around and the more I moved it, the more my brain thought it was wrong; dead wrong. My heart starts to beat faster and then I did what anyone would do when shocked. I screamed and start to run in circles.

    “This isn’t right. This isn’t right. THIS ISN’T RIGHT!

    I start to slow down and relax. I look at the ground as I breathed in deeply. But then I felt something I never felt before. It felt like a limb, but I don’t remember having one on my butt. I then sniffed the air when I smelled something. I recognize the smell as smoke, but I couldn’t see the source. I continue to sniff as I looked for the source. Slowly, I looked behind me and saw some grass on fire.

    “Oh, it’s fire…” But then I realize something; fire is dangerous. “Fire!” I shout and the first thing I did was start stamping it out. I grunted with each stomp as I slowly put the fire out before it spread. I sighed after I stamped out the last ember. But then I remembered what I saw that caused the fire.

    Was that a tail?

    I quickly turn to see my rear and indeed, there was a tail. But that wasn’t the thing surprised me, it was that there was a little fire on the tip of it was what surprised me. For some reason, it didn’t strike me as strange. In fact, the little ember made me curious when I watched it burn merrily. I reach for my tail and examine the flame closely.

    The fire didn’t seem to be harmful. In fact, it felt comfy when I waved my hand through it. The part of my brain that panicked earlier was calming down a bit, as if it knew that at least I’m something I was familiar with. But I still had no idea what I was, and so, I start questioning that. So far, I know that I’m not whatever I was and my new body, I guess, was something I was familiar with. But I couldn’t put my finger on why it was familiar. So I shrug, seeing that was all I know so far.

    I start to pay attention to where I am as I heard the whistle of a bird, whatever a bird is. I’m surrounded by lots of trees and bushes, meaning I’m in some kind of forest, I think. For some reason, I don’t feel very worried once I wondered why I panicked and I ended up smiling.

    But then, I quickly turn around when I heard rustling behind me. And then, I heard a bellow, and it was here when my instincts told me to…

    “RUN!”

    I stumbled a bit as I was running since I wasn’t used to such short legs. But I get the hang of it shortly, since my life depends on it. I heard various heavy footsteps and grumbles. I speed up my pace, not wanting to get eaten. I continue to run but I could hear them getting closer.

    Curse these short legs! As I ran even faster, my curiosity starts to nag me as to what is chasing me. Even though I felt I was gonna regret this, I looked behind me and saw a terrifying, metal grey dinosaur with its mouth wide open. But that was the only monster I saw before something—probably a low branch, conked me on the back of my head. I felt myself do one somersault before I land roughly and my vision starts to fade.

    N-no! I have to run…

    My vision darkens, I started hearing voices.

    “Did you see that?”

    “Should we bring her?”

    “Of course! She’s going out!”

    Weird, they sounded like normal voices. Not like the grisly voice I imagined. And then…I was unconscious…
    Last edited by TheCharredDragon; 15th February 2014 at 10:55 AM. Reason: Grammatical Mistakes


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    NOTE: The reason the Author's Note is seperate is due to the fact that I use a phone and my phone would crash if I try to add more text.

    Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon.

    Author's Note: Well, there you go, my first story in first-person. Excuse the paragraphs until I edit them out. I'll sort them out as soon as I can.

    Anyways, it's shorter than my other stories. But it meets the minimum requirements of the Famfiction rules. I'm still practicing my writing so construstive criticism is appreciated.


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    Well, first off, it's nice to see you post a work on here, Char. Glad to see this up.

    Anyways, moving on. I understand that you posted this from your phone due to your circumstances, but I do need to point out that your formatting needs some reworking. The "one sentence per line" structure is a bit distracting to follow, so clumping a few into paragraphs would work much better when you get the chance to edit this. While we are on the point of formatting, I do want to say that I am enjoying the first person point of view you have here. I have only seen a few good PMD stories with it (Pokenutter's MDJ is one that you've seen, I'm certain), but you prove to handle it well. I honestly could never get a grasp of it, so I settled with third person for all of my works.

    As for your nameless main character, I can't say too much so far. Their actions say a bit about them, but we haven't been given much information or true character development as of right now. They seem to be the type of person who can handle things in a calm, rational manner even if they do panic a bit in the beginning. From what I can tell, they have become a Charmander. There's a lot of paths one can take with that Pokemon, especially considering that it has a lot of traits that can both hinder and help this character. I expect more development of this character in the next chapter, and hopefully, a name.

    Now, the ending was rather rushed and unclear. A bit of development on what was chasing her and where she was to begin with would have been nice, but I do think that this is something you can build off of. If you're going to be telling this in first person, you have to be sure to provide the level of detail and description to make us believe we, the readers, are seeing the exact same thing this character is with their eyes. You do a decent job of it here, but as with anyone, practice can only help you improve. Just keep at it and press forward.

    This is just a suggestion from me, but you might want to look around for a beta reader. It's something that every author needs (especially me), and besides catching spelling and grammar issues, they might be able to help you with formatting if you cannot do it yourself at the moment. It's up to you on what you decide to do, but this is just a recommendation from one author to another.

    Also, we've got a character who has apparently never seen the sun before, or has partly forgotten what one is, and has apparently come from another world were shadowy figures are overlooking her transformation... How intriguing. How very intriguing...

    Knightfall signing off...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Well, first off, it's nice to see you post a work on here, Char. Glad to see this up.
    Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Anyways, moving on. I understand that you posted this from your phone due to your circumstances, but I do need to point out that your formatting needs some reworking. The "one sentence per line" structure is a bit distracting to follow, so clumping a few into paragraphs would work much better when you get the chance to edit this.
    Yeah, I wasn't so sure about the paragraphs, they still confuse me but I'm gonna iron that out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    While we are on the point of formatting, I do want to say that I am enjoying the first person point of view you have here. I have only seen a few good PMD stories with it (Pokenutter's MDJ is one that you've seen, I'm certain), but you prove to handle it well. I honestly could never get a grasp of it, so I settled with third person for all of my works.
    Thank you, (and yeah, I've read PMDJ) and actually, I had a bit of troubpe with first-person at first until I read PMD Journal. As you can see, it was very helpful (and great to read).

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    As for your nameless main character, I can't say too much so far. Their actions say a bit about them, but we haven't been given much information or true character development as of right now. They seem to be the type of person who can handle things in a calm, rational manner even if they do panic a bit in the beginning.
    Yes, you got that right.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    From what I can tell, they have become a Charmander. There's a lot of paths one can take with that Pokemon, especially considering that it has a lot of traits that can both hinder and help this character. I expect more development of this character in the next chapter, and hopefully, a name.
    Don't worry, she'll get a name.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Now, the ending was rather rushed and unclear. A bit of development on what was chasing her and where she was to begin with would have been nice, but I do think that this is something you can build off of.
    I was trying to find a way to make the chapter move on and that's what I came up with, as her partner is in different circumstanse than most.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    If you're going to be telling this in first person, you have to be sure toprovide the level of detail and description to make us believe we, the readers, are seeing the exact same thing this character is with their eyes. You do a decent job of it here, but as with anyone, practice can only help you improve. Just keep at it and press forward.
    Yeah, I didn't want to add too much description. But it seems I ended up putting too little. But she wasn't really focusing about the tiny details of the trees And thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    This is just a suggestion from me, but you might want to look around for a beta reader. It's something that every author needs (especially me), and besides catching spelling and grammar issues, they might be able to help you with formatting if you cannot do it yourself at the moment. It's up to you on what you decide to do, but this is just a recommendation from one author to another.
    Yeah, I've been thinking about that and I think I should start looking for one. Just wondering, any reccomendations?

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Also, we've got a character who has apparently never seen the sun before, or has partly forgotten what one is, and has apparently come from another world were shadowy figures are overlooking her transformation... How intriguing. How very intriguing...

    Knightfall signing off...
    Actually, just forgot. And yes, shadow figures.........

    And thank you very much for the review!


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    Chapter 2: Pokémon

    “Chaps, I think she’s waking up.”

    I groan and start opening my eyes.

    “You’re right!”

    When I fully open my eyes, my vision was blurry at first but it got clearer. I saw different colors and hues until they finally settled and I saw a light blue crocodile with a red crest on top right in front of me.

    “Great! You’re awake! Guys, go tell Boba the Charmander’s awake.”

    What, Charmander? Is that what I am? But wait…that crocodile is talking. Crocodiles aren’t supposed to talk, right? And don’t crocodiles kill—I froze at a revelation and scream, startling the weird croc. I stand up and push off the guy away. I started to run again, my brain telling me that the blue and yellow croc was dangerous and something about it was wrong.

    “Wah! Hey! Where‘re you going?”

    My heart sped up its beat and my legs quicken their pace. I don’t care where I’m going as long as it’s away from here. But that was a mistake as I found that I was running towards a wall. I skid to a stop before I conk my head again, but that gave the croc a chance to pounce on me. Which he did do, and now I’m lying on the floor with him on my back. I struggle against him but his weight kept me down.

    “Calm down! I’m not gonna hurt ya.” He pauses. “Oh wait, I just hurt you, so the right thing to say would be ‘I’m not gonna kill ya’.”

    I calm down and laugh a bit in my head at the crocodile’s reasoning. There’s no need to change the whole thing, but it did make more sense. My heart and breathing slows down, but the part of my brain that panicked earlier was still unsettled. The crocodile that tackled me noticed I calmed down, and so, got off of me.

    After he got off, I roll over and lay on my back. Not sure why I did that, but I didn’t feel like standing up yet. I started to breathe deeply, tired from the short sprint, while I wonder why I panicked in the first place. I mean, he wasn’t harming me in any way but there was still something wrong about him talking and me understanding.

    “Ya seem to be a bit strange to me, but I guess you were thinking I was dangerous, huh?” He hit the nail on the head all right. I wonder if he can read minds.

    I nod although he didn’t need any kind of answer. I saw the croc offer me his hand. I stare at it for a moment before grasping it. Slowly, he pulled me up and balanced me on my legs before letting go and smiling. And then, he extends his hand. I look at it again and then I remember handshakes, so I took hold of it and shook it.

    “Hey, name’s Caine and I’m from Fretter Village.” He said after I let go of his hand the second time. “I’m the only Croconaw from that place.”

    Croconaw? That seems to ring a bell. But this Fretter Village doesn’t seem familiar at all.

    “Hi, nice to meet you Caine.”

    “Great to meet ‘cha too.” After a moment, he talks again. “So, where‘re ye from?”

    On impulse, I open my mouth to answer but then I shut it when I realize I have nothing to say.

    “Wha’s the matter? Meowth got ye tongue?”

    I shook my head before saying, “I don’t remember…”

    Caine looks at me with confusion. “What? Ya can’t remember?”

    I nod.

    “Huh, um, that’s weird…Um…Can ya remember ye name?” I think on it before I shook my head. “This ain’t good. How ya gonna get home?” Just as Caine the Croconaw was about to say something else, the door slams open, disturbing us.

    It was only now that I notice that I’m in a pretty big room with various beds and tables as three creatures come through said door. The smallest of the three creatures was on four legs, looked a bit like a dinosaur but with a flat face, and has a big plant bulb on its back. The second tallest was similar to the smallest in the fact it looks like it’s covered in plants. It was snake-like in form and had two legs. It also looked a little like it was a royal. And the last one, the tallest of the three, was completely different compared to the two.

    From where I am, I could see its back was dark blue in color, as well as the top of its head. It had two stub-like ears and the rest of its body was cream in color. It was twice the size of the grass snake and it was bipedal. It wore an emerald scarf around its neck and its form was closest to a badger. Except for its head, which had no snout, but isn’t flat either. I’m not really sure how to say it…

    The three start walking to me and Caine. When they were in front of us, the badger guy was staring at me with his brow raised, like he was waiting for me to say something. But the guy was a bit scary, since he was about three times my height. So I was tongue tied, having no idea what I should say. But thankfully, Caine was the first to slice the silence.

    “Hey Boba! I got somethin’ to tell ya! She-”

    “Ug! Caine, not so loud, I’m right in front of you, you know.” Boba interrupts. “And I can see she’s awake, but did you find out anything about her?”

    “Oy, that’s the thing. She can’t remember a thing about herself.”

    At this, Boba and the two others turn to Caine and stare at him the same way he looked at me moments ago, except that their stares were more inclined to disbelief than confusion.

    “Nothing?”

    “Aye, not even her name.”

    Boba turns back to me with his expression a bit hard to describe. It looked like disbelief, confusion, and another thing I can’t place, before looking like he realized something.

    “Huh, you must have hit your head pretty hard when Iron’s squad found you.” He assumed, but I quickly dissolve that by shaking by head. “Oh? Then can you tell us what you can remember?”

    And so I took a deep breath before I start talking. “Well in short, I woke up in a forest, panicked, calmed down, got scared, ran, got hit in the head, and I think I fainted, then I woke up again, got scared again and now I’m explaining what happened.”

    “Okay. Go on.”

    “Okay, now I don’t really remember anything, not even what in the world you guys are, and I seem to not remember some things that might be common knowledge.”

    “Is that all?”

    “Um, yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

    After I explained that, Boba was humming in thought.

    “Hmm, this is rather strange. Amnesia doesn’t do that.” I hear him mumble. “Okay, this complicates your situation. I’m going to have to speak with the Protection Team Management in here.” He stands up and makes way for the door. “Stay here, okay?”

    As he exits the room, I realize I left something out. “Boba, wait! I forgot that I wasn’t always a-” but Boba was gone by the time I finish my sentence. “Charmander…”

    I stared at the door, which is in front of me by a few feet since I ran. I felt like going after him to tell him, but I didn’t want to get lost in the possible maze behind the door. Then, I feel like someone was staring at me strangely, so I turn around and saw Caine, the grass snake and the plant dinosaur stare at me with confused, intrigued and “What…?” expressions.

    “What do you mean by ‘wasn’t always a Charmander’?” The plant-o-saur said, the voice sounding like a girl’s.

    I saw no harm in saying it, so I said it. “Well, I know for sure I didn’t know what I am until Caine told you two to get your Boba friend.”

    “So what were you?” The grass snake asked this time.

    I didn’t think about it much since I first woke up, mainly because I got distracted, so I think about it again. Well, maybe if I paid close attention to what I do, maybe—

    You’re a good person…and a good friend…

    My train of thought was interrupted by that ghostly voice. It sounded familiar, even friend-like, but I can’t remember exactly who. But that simple ghostly sentence made me remember what I am. And for some reason, remembering it made me smile.

    “Well, I think I used to be a person.”

    But when I finish my sentence, the three of them look at me with shock and bewilderment.

    “You were a human!?” The two plant creatures shouted at me. I wiped my face of the spit they accidently spat in a disgusted manner.

    “Well, yeah, is something wrong with that?”

    The two grass guys—um, guy and girl, look at each other with the “What…?” faces as if I said the silliest thing in the world. Caine on the other hand looked ecstatic.

    “A human! Well, preen my teeth, this is the first time I met one!”

    I found it a bit confusing as to why they were shouting and making faces by the fact that I’m a person. I mean, it’s not like people are special or rare, right?

    “Technically, she’s a Charmander.” The flower bulb dinosaur mumbled.

    “Oy, stop bein’ a boon kicker Lilian.” Caine turns back to me and starts shaking my hand again. “You know it feels great to meet a human ya know.”

    His shaking starts to hurt so I pull my arm and make my face scowl. Caine sees this and he feels a bit guilty. “Oy, sorry ‘bout that. I get a too little excited sometimes.” Caine chuckles in the end.

    “Yeah, well, I’ve got some things to do.” Lilian abruptly says.

    “Yeah, me too chaps. Cheerio.” Steve also says.

    I saw Steve go to his bed in another part of the room while Lilian went out the door as what looked like a mini brachiosaur with crests on its head come through. I turn back to Caine.

    “So, what now?”

    Caine starts to concentrate in thought. After some time—maybe three minutes, he answers.

    “Well, since ya don’t have a name, might as well think of what to call ya. Unless you wanna be called ‘Charmander’.”

    He did have a good point; I don’t think I want to be called “Charmander” all the time. So I think on it. As I think it, I start feeling a fuzzy feeling in my head. Kind of like how dust feels like on skin. But I didn’t think too much of it, I mean I conked my head, and who knows how many times? I continue to think, and then a thought comes to mind.

    “How about Catherine?”

    Caine thinks for a moment before nodding. “All right. Catherine it is.”

    After he says that, the fuzzy feeling in my head disappears. But just as we were about to talk, the door opens and catches our attention. In the doorway was a sky blue, biped turtle with a mahogany-pale yellow shell. It looked around until it spotted us.

    “There you are Caine, I was looking for you.” The turtle walked towards us. “Boba wants you two in the lobby. He has something important to say.”

    “All right.” Caine stands up and makes way for the door. As he was about to exit, he turns to me. “Ain’t ya comin’ Cath?” He says and then walks out. I scramble up and follow Caine out the door. I didn’t want to get left behind and lost.
    Last edited by TheCharredDragon; 6th February 2014 at 9:15 AM. Reason: Grammartical Mistakes


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  6. #6
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    Author's Note: IMPORTANT: As of now, it is decided that no chapter will be longer than 2,000 words/11-10 characters (or 9 pages in Microsoft Word in Arial (font) 14 (size), if you're wondering) at best for two reasons.

    The first reason is grammar, because I have to make paragraphs look proper like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by TheCharredDragon (in Shadow Necrosis: Ripe with Decay SU)
    Her parents, Emero and Remilia, are both Sonne members and made her and Slyvia to want to be Sonne members as well. She was reckless at school and often flunked in math and things similiar to it. She absolutely loved her sister but at the same time hated her because she was in the spotlight while she wasn't, despite being the older sister. When she practiced her powers in light, Slyvia alwaysed had aces but she just kept failing. Her sister consoled her, but it did no good.
    And not like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter (NOTE: Not original format)
    Zoroark and I have been working on
    teaching me Water Pledge, but it’s
    been slow going. I can understand
    the concepts fairly easily, but my
    execution isn’t reliable, going from
    way too weak to nearly completely
    emptying the tub, and then back to
    low power again. Zoroark never
    seems fazed by this, always refilling
    the tub as much as is necessary
    before letting me take another
    break. It’s taxing work, but if I
    manage to master this…
    So you can read properly and I follow the Fanfiction forums' rules. And now, you're probably wondering, "why not edit it?". Now this is where reason two comes in.

    As stated in my first Author's Note, it's due to the fact that my phone, or should I say, browser, cannot handle a large amout of text beyond the estimated 11-10 characters. Meaning, it will crash and I have to start all over again. So, because of those two reasons, chapters will be short. And if not, will be seperated into two or so on parts. But I'll (hopefully) just stick with the easy one chapter, one post format.

    As for other news, my updating will be whenever I manage to finish a chapter, and proofread it.

    Anyways, as usual, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. As it will make me a better writer. Your thoughts on my story will be greatly appreciated as well. But of course, that's your choice.

    So, until next time, practice what you love most.


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  7. #7
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    Default Review of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Ember of Hope

    Hey, Shadow Lucario 50 here! I said I would leave a review, so I'll go ahead and do so!~ Please note that I'll be writing a review after I read each chapter, so please excuse me if some things may be a bit choppy.

    Chapter 1 Review
    First off, great opening scene. Quite mysterious and vague of what was happening to the assumed protagonist of this story. Thinking of having her completely limbless was interesting since the unknown Bold Guy (as I'll call him/her for now) seemed to think of the protagonist jsut as a simple jig-jaw puzzle. Again, great opening scene.

    The following scene didn't disappoint! You did well portraying the character's confusion and lack of mind when awakening from his unconsciousness. It was also a nice touch with the comedy relief of her putting the grass on fire and with the ember on her tail soothing her. Nice putting the "Ember of Hope" right into the first chapter. And then the sudden instinct to run proved to be a great cliffhanger once she became unconscious.

    Overall, this was a great opening chapter to a great new story.

    Chapter 2 Review
    Now, I'll state this before delving into this next chapter. Usually, a person can have surrounding senses of what's going on around them by feeling of touch, slight hearing, and even smell. So maybe you could include that the next time your protagonist is knocked out and awakening.

    But either than that, you did well concerning what happened after the awakening. I do like the introduction of Caine and how he's portrayed. Also, great save from the first chapter concerning the full mind wipe. Still, the Bold Guy confuses me a bit with how he's a friend to our amnesiac protagonist, so I'm hoping for a later discovery about this! Also, great plot point for how most Pokémon scoff at the fact of her being a human and all while our assumed future partner of the protagonist finds it amazing. That was also a good ending to continue on, so kudos!

    Finally... Catherine? Remove some letters, and it becomes "Caine". Way to go, Caine. You just made yourself and Catherine easy targets for shippers.


    Shadow Lucario 50 stealing Knightfall's Motto of Signing Off...
    - Chapter 5 in Progress
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall
    Beginning of a grand adventure doesn't do it justice. It's something far greater than that.
        Spoiler:- Previous Banner by Brutaka:

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    Hey, Shadow Lucario 50 here! I said I would leave a review, so I'll go ahead and do so!~ Please note that I'll be writing a review after I read each chapter, so please excuse me if some things may be a bit choppy.
    Why, thank you! Don't worry, every review is welcome.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    First off, great opening scene. Quite mysterious and vague of what was happening to the assumed protagonist of this story. Thinking of having her completely limbless was interesting since the unknown Bold Guy (as I'll call him/her for now) seemed to think of the protagonist jsut as a simple jig-jaw puzzle. Again, great opening scene.
    Thanks. Bold guy? That's an intresting (and ridiculous) name and wow, you guessed exactly right.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    The following scene didn't disappoint! You did well portraying the character's confusion and lack of mind when awakening from his unconsciousness. It was also a nice touch with the comedy relief of her putting the grass on fire and with the ember on her tail soothing her. Nice putting the "Ember of Hope" right into the first chapter. And then the sudden instinct to run proved to be a great cliffhanger once she became unconscious.
    Again, thanks. I had fun writing that scene XD. I couldn't help but laugh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    Overall, this was a great opening chapter to a great new story.
    Again thanks for reading and beta reading it too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    Chapter 2 Review


    Now, I'll state this before delving into this next chapter. Usually, a person can have surrounding senses of what's going on around them by feeling of touch, slight hearing, and even smell. So maybe you could include that the next time your protagonist is knocked out and awakening.
    Oh yeah, I forgot while I was wring that part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    But either than that, you did well concerning what happened after the awakening. I do like the introduction of Caine and how he's portrayed. Also, great save from the first chapter concerning the full mind wipe. Still, the Bold Guy confuses me a bit with how he's a friend to our amnesiac protagonist, so I'm hoping for a later discovery about this! Also, great plot point for how most Pokémon scoff at the fact of her being a human and all while our assumed future partner of the protagonist finds it amazing. That was also a good ending to continue on, so kudos!
    Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, character portraytion (is that a real word? I'm not sure...) is something I worry about a bit. Oh, why it isn't a complete mindwipe will be explained later. Oh, the reason why those two shrug it off and why Caine is very excited about her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    Finally... Catherine? Remove some letters, and it becomes "Caine". Way to go, Caine. You just made yourself and Catherine easy targets for shippers.
    Yeah, I realized that when I did their names. But I just sticked to my gut. Besides, I actually ship them XP. But right now, he and Catherine's interation feels to me just good friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario 50
    Shadow Lucario 50 stealing Knightfall's Motto of Signing Off...
    Ha ha XD. That's funny right their.


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    I believe that when someone takes the time out to read your story, perhaps you should read theirs. Such is why I am here, but enjoying the work I see. One grievance, as far as this piece goes: pick either past or present tense, please. It was a little distracting to read somethings like, I'll give an example I made up, "I saw a shadow and it runs towards me". Besides the tenses, I enjoyed the first chapter a great deal!

    The character's ambiguity was all at once annoying, but entertaining. In short, Annoying, but in a good way. One begins to summarize that this individual is a Pokémon, but the metamorphosis that is heavily implied brings to light that this was previously a person. A back-and-forth game of vague familiarity that the character goes through is one my favorite aspects. Why do I know what this thing is called, but I do not know what it is?

    This stuck out in Chapter two:
    "At this, Boba and the two others turn to Caine and stare at him the same way he looked at me moments ago, except that their stares were more inclined to disbelief then confusion."

    "Than", not "then", since you seem to be comparing "disbelief" as opposed to "confusion.

    The dialogue was splendidly written and easy to follow. Excellent job.

    I'd feel rather left out if I didn't sign off in a similar fashion to those who have preceeded me, so: Sebax, signing off...

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    I believe that when someone takes the time out to read your story, perhaps you should read theirs. Such is why I am here, but enjoying the work I see.
    Wow! Thank you very much for reviewing! I-I'm practically speechless! Anyways, onto the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    One grievance, as far as this piece goes: pick either past or present tense, please. It was a little distracting to read somethings like, I'll give an example I made up, "I saw a shadow and it runs towards me". Besides the tenses, I enjoyed the first chapter a great deal!
    Hmm, I see your point. I'll keep it in mind and thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    The character's ambiguity was all at once annoying, but entertaining. In short, Annoying, but in a good way. One begins to summarize that this individual is a Pokémon, but the metamorphosis that is heavily implied brings to light that this was previously a person. A back-and-forth game of vague familiarity that the character goes through is one my favorite aspects. Why do I know what this thing is called, but I do not know what it is?
    Thank you again. I was a little confused at the end of the paragraph but now I get it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    This stuck out in Chapter two: "At this, Boba and the two others turn to Caine and stare at him the same way he looked at me moments ago, except that their stares were more inclined to disbelief then confusion."

    "Than", not "then", since you seem to be comparing "disbelief" as opposed to "confusion.
    Oops. Missed that, and thanks for pointing it out! I'll get to it as soon as I can.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    The dialogue was splendidly written and easy to follow. Excellent job.
    Thanks. I had to talk out loud for Caine's lines and didn't felt so sure about them so again, thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sebax
    I'd feel rather left out if I didn't sign off in a similar fashion to those who have preceeded me, so: Sebax, signing off...
    Oh boy Knightfall, everyone's stealin' your favorite phrase! XD Again, thanks for the review.


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    Chapter 3: Assignment?

    I followed Caine through the rather crowded hallway. And when I mean crowded, I really mean crowded. I was surprised that I could even pass through. But I guess that’s something that the laws of physics can’t really explain, considering being a Charmander probably breaks several laws already. I saw all kinds of Pokémon as we walked through. Furry ones, scaly ones, and exotic ones like that mushroom Pokéball-cap Pokémon—I’m not sure what a Pokéball does, but I know it looks like a ball with white on one side, and red on another. Like that cap and hands of that mushroom Pokémon.

    The hallways looked like they were carved out by something, or someone. The hallways were the color of sandstone and were well lit by torches that were covered in, at least to me, a crystal blue orb at the area where the fire burns that were evenly spaced on the walls. I notice that the Pokémon that were passing by were either in a rush to get something done or going casually, like they were on a break.

    And then I remember Boba mentioning “Protection Teams”. I wonder what Protection Teams are. Maybe they had something to do with why the Pokémon that passed by acted that way.

    “Are we there yet?” I asked because I was getting tired.

    “We’re almost there, don’t worry,” Caine assured me.

    I sigh and then we continue to walk for maybe three minutes or so before I saw the end of the hallway. Upon exiting, I saw that the lobby was HUGE. It looked like it could fit a Sauroposeidon—a type of sauropod—in it. On some parts of the walls, I could see some boards which I assumed where bulletin boards when I saw papers pinned onto them, and several Pokémon looking at said papers. To my far left, I could see some sort of reception desk with a weird looking duck that kind of looked like it was made of blocks floating behind it.

    I follow Caine to wherever he spotted Boba, who was near one of the bulletin boards. As we got closer, I noticed that Boba was talking to what looked like a smaller version of his kind. When we were close, Boba and tiny clone of Boba notice us. The original Boba puts up a smile when we were in front of them.

    “Ah Caine, glad you’re here. Before I tell you why I called you and her, allow me to introduce my brother, Techro.” Boba gestures to the smaller version of himself and Techro just scoffed.

    “Hi…?” I wasn’t really sure what to say other than that. All I got in return was a hum.

    Boba looks back at us. “I spoke to the Management about your situation and they decided that if you’re assigned to a Protection Trainee Squad, they’re willing to let you stay here. So under that accordance, I suggested to them that you would be assigned to Caine’s Trainee Squad.” He paused to take a breath. “So with that, they have finally allowed Caine’s Trainee Squad to be trained under to you Techro,” he finishes, earning different reactions from each of us.

    Caine had a huge grin on his face and looked so happy, I was afraid he might burst from happiness. Me? I wasn’t so sure on what to think of it, mainly because I still don’t know what are Protection Teams and all those terms Boba said. But at least I have somewhere to stay. I wonder if all these Protection Team Management are very compassionate. Techro, on the other hand, didn’t react even vaguely similar to our reactions.

    He looked completely outraged and the first sentence I hear him say only proves it. “What!? These peasants are being assigned to me?! How come I wasn’t involved?!” he yelled.

    Boba turned to Techro, his face stern and ticked off, and he certainly voiced it well. “Look, her situation complicated, so I had to inform the Management immediately and, like I said earlier, the Management believes it would be best if she stayed here until her condition improves.”

    Techro still looks pretty mad, even though the reason was explained. He still complied anyway, which confuses me a bit, but then he scoffed, probably from annoyance. Boba gave a satisfied nod before turning to me. “All right then it’s settled. You will stay in Caine’s Squad until you recover. And Caine—” he turns to Caine. “Please don’t get in trouble.” He then turns to Techro. “And Techro, I don’t want to hear your ego getting in the way again, all right?” he says, earning another scoff from Techro, before walking off.

    As he leaves, he states that he’s going to Zygot Central and soon he’s gone completely from our sights. Our eyesight locks again after he left and Techro beams us an unhappy face. “So, you have a name?” he says.

    “It’s Catherine.”

    “Hmph, all right. I’m busy today, so your group’s training starts tomorrow. In the meantime, Caine, tell your squad the news and show Catherine around,” Techro orders before walking off too. Caine then faces me.

    “Al’ right, like what Techro said, I’ll have ta tell the gang before I show ya around,” he repeats, probably to get the point straight, and then he heads to where we came through. I then follow him.

    As we go back, I think now would be a good time to say my questions. “How come I have to be assigned to these Protection Trainee Group to stay here?”

    “Well, as much as they wanna let refugees and all stay, they can’t afford it. They can only let refugees and the like for a week and then they have ta leave. But they can afford Trainee’s stayin’ ‘cause they need all the Protectors they can get,” Caine explains and I nod to signify I heard. But the last thing he said led to another question.

    “What are Protection Teams anyway?”

    “What? Ya don’t—oh, I a’most forgot. Bad amnesia. Well, Protection Teams were created a few years after the war started.”

    At the mention of war, my brain freezes. “War?”

    “Yeah, a war. Has lasted ‘bout a few thousand years, give or take a few hun’red years.” Caine says casually. My breath hitches when Caine said, “a few thousand years.” I mean, can a war really last that long?

    Caine continues his explanation. “‘member that there neutrals to wars? Well, as the war got worst, those neutral got more scared to go ta other places ‘cause of the war. So, Protection Teams were made. Tha’s how they started and tha’s why they’re called that. Sometime later, Protection Teams became a police force for neutrals and that’s pretty much it,” he finishes his unexpected lecture and then he opens the door to the barracks.

    Upon entering, I saw that there were more Pokémon than just Lilian and Steve. There was that turtle that told us to see Boba, a gecko with a literally bushy tail, a yellow lizard with frill “ears”, a purple rattlesnake and, to my shock and horror, a big, sky blue dragon with axe wings talking to Steve. I stood near Caine in fright as we moved closer to Steve and the menacing dragon. When we were very close, the two reptiles notice us.

    “Oh Caine, is there something you wish to speak about?” Steve asked in a rather, bitter tone? I couldn’t tell…

    “Yeah, Boba has finally made our group a Protection Trainee Squad! And we start tomorrow al’ right?” Caine answered, very quickly might I add.

    Steve’s expression for a split second changed from bored and stern to absolutely shocked—the bad kind of shocked I think—before resuming his emotionless mask, with a tint of anger, I think. “All right then. I’ll tell everyone of the new development Caine, and you can resume whatever you were doing, if you want.” He turns to the dragon. “Cheerio Melee.” He then leaves while Caine turns to me.

    “So, where ya want me to take ya first?”

    Before I could answer, my stomach starts to grumble, reminding me I haven’t eaten recently. I clutch my stomach and answer, “How about somewhere to eat?”

    “Al’ righty. I’m hungry too anyway, so le’s go to da mess hall,” he comments and then he heads out the door. And of course I follow.

    As we walk there, I talk with Caine and ask him all the Pokémon I’ve seen so far. Well, most of them. Since for some reason I was able to remember the name of this black fox called a Zorua I saw pass by earlier. Eventually, we reach the mess hall with a sign that probably said its name (I couldn’t understand the writing they used). We went to what looked similar to a buffet line and Caine got in line and choose several berries before putting them on a tray that he got earlier. At the end of the line, I saw him drop what looked like coins to a Pokémon who was the cashier, or at least I think it was.

    Now we were looking for a table and Caine seemed to be having a difficult time holding up our tray, but he told me he was fine. I searched the crowded place for free seats or table, but so far I didn’t find any. But then I saw a table with a dragon that looked like it was drawn by a toddler, a ball of gas with a face and a humanoid, animal, yellow thing with a rather large mustache and their table had free seats.

    I tap Caine’s shoulder and point to the table. He looks at it for a second before making his way toward the table with me tailing him.

    “G’ day fellas, mind if me and my buddy sit ‘ere with ya?” Caine asked.

    The crude dragon was the one to speak up. “Sure. Have a seat,” she spoke, gesturing to the area beside her.

    The table was simple and made of clay with only one leg. The leg in question was shaped like an hourglass while the chair—um bench, that was also made of clay and that was blockish and curved around the table. I sat down beside the dragon while Caine sat down to the left of me and placed our tray between the two of us.

    “I ain’t seen ya guys before, you three new?” Caine quickly questioned.

    This time, it was the mustache one who answered. “Mostly. We’ve only been a team for a week and it wasn’t easy.”

    “Don’t you mean, ‘it was hell,’?” the gas ball interjected.

    “Yeah-yeah-yeah, whatever…”

    The dragon chuckled and then munched on what I think was a berry. I didn’t pay much attention to what they were saying after they introduced themselves (Bregiya the Druddigon, Oparinius the Gastly [Opius for short] and Arayzel the Kadabra), and after they told us their team name was “Team Supernatural”, Caine gave me a berry that was called a “Pecha Berry”, which now I was examining it. It was pink and heart-shaped with some tiny leaves at the top of the heart.

    I took a bite out of it and let me tell you that it tested great. The sweetness was as high as it could be without becoming too much, and the juices were refreshing. I licked the juices that were left on my lips before I grabbed more of those berries and ate those as well. After a while, all of us ate our meals, with me coughing a bit as I made the mistake of eating a Rawst Berry by itself, and then went our separate ways.

    We make a quick stop back at the lodgings with Caine getting a brown and a red sash before we head into the direction of the lobby, but I start to wonder…

    “Caine, what are we doing exactly?”

    “We’re getting ready by headin’ ta town.”




    Author's Note: Well there you have it. Chapter Three! After about a month. Now, you're wondering why it took so long? That's rhetorical, don't answer. Well, didn't have a lot of motivation to do it after I put up Chapter Two, but with Chapter 17 of Overthrown coming soon, an unexpected review from Sebax, and me feeling awesome for drawing Jay with his new red band, I felt like I wanted to finish it and put it up. I hope the wait was worth it for you. Oh and thanks Shadow for beta reading Ember of Hope! :3

    CC out!
    Last edited by TheCharredDragon; 14th February 2014 at 3:29 AM. Reason: Forgot the italic on a word


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    Chapter 4: A Trip to Town
    “Wow…”

    That was the only I could think of as I stared at the silver statues of a green reptile with a bushy tail, this time a bigger version and had leaves on its arms, and a ninja frog who’s scarf I think is its tongue… We had exited the Protection Team Management Base, or PTM for short, and are now at the center of town. Or maybe it was a city? Nonetheless, it was large. Not sure if as large as a city, but still.

    “That’s Kyonis an’ Anyea.” I shook my head a bit as the sound rattled my thoughts and turn to my left to see Caine doing what I was doing earlier. “They say he an’ Anyea founded this very town.”

    I found that bit of information nice but that makes me wonder… “Why would they make statues of them? I mean, it’s not like founding a town is great enough to make silver statues of them.”

    He turns to me with a look that shows disbelief before realization struck it. “Oy, forgot yer amnesia there. Al’ right, I’ll tell ya then.” He looks to the statues of them again and I follow suit. “Kyonis; tha’s the Greninja there—” He points at the silver frog. “Anyea, the Sceptile there—” He then points to the tree gecko before putting his arm on his side. “Ifret the Fraxure and Cerna the Migh’eyena are why towns now exist in Zaphil. They’re the ones who stopped Kyogre and Groudon from destroyin’ the place. Once those two buggers stopped their squabblin’, land all over the place was livable, makin’ towns a possibility. So tha’s how civilization started.”

    Well, that was a bit long. Caine then looks to the sky before saying, “I’s getting late. We got some stuff ta do b’fore we go back, so c’mon.” He gestures for me to follow, which I do of course.

    We go down this street and come up to a shop. Or at least I think it was a shop as the only thing that seems fitting in a store (or a witchdoctor’s house) were the various knick-knacks lining the shelves behind the wooden counter. Caine walks over to said counter, leans in, and looks around.

    “Yodur, you ‘round?” he asked, and immediately something falls from the ceiling (which I somehow missed), which startles me and I screamed and staggered back.

    After that, I saw what fell down. It looked very much like Lilian except fiercer looking, , much more larger and had a flower bud which was red. What was unlike Lilian was this eye patch covering its left eye which I’m pretty sure is not supposed to be there. The guy looked pleased to see Caine, who I realized didn’t even flinch and stand back.

    “Oh Caine, how nice to see you again. Have you changed your mind on that jaw strengthening herb? You know I have a better offer this time. One case of jaw strengthening herb for—”

    “I tol’ ye a’ready, Yodur. Not. Happenin’,” he retorts with a serious face before putting up his usual expression again. “I jus’ wanna restock on berries, al’ right?”

    Yodur groans—why, I don’t know—before continuing to speak in his creepy voice. “Fine. Do you want the usual?’

    “Aye, but fo’ two.”

    “Two?” he repeats incredulously. He glances at me before looking back at Caine. “All right then. I’ll be right back.” He then goes out a door which apparently was so well camouflaged with the wall on the back that I didn’t notice it was there until Yodur opened the door and went out. How in the world am I missing these things?

    I distract myself from that thought by asking Caine, “Why do you buy stuff from this guy anyway?”

    Caine turns to me and says, “He grows the bes’ berries ever ta exist, as much as he don’t like it. Keep tellin’ him he shou’ sell berries instead of this stuff—” He makes his point by, well pointing at a skull. “—but he keeps sayin’ he wants ta keep up his dad’s business.”

    “Uh huh…”

    After a few minutes, Yodur came back rather disgruntled with various berries in his vines. He placed them on the counter. “Okay… I got five Orans, four Pechas, two Rawsts, and twenty Gravelerocks.” He looks at Caine. “That will be seventy-five Groudoes and one favor.”

    “Ninety Groudoes an’ an ol’ shed tooth of mine.”

    Yodur sighs. “Deal…”

    And with that, the money (or at least I assumed it was money) and items were exchanged and we were leaving with the eccentric shop-keeper Yodur saying, “Pleasure doing business with you. Come back any time.” That must be common courtesy or etiquette for shop-keepers. But there are a few things buzzing in my head that I can’t help but let out.

    “Groudoes?”

    Caine takes the hint. “Well, they say tha’ Kyonis name’ it after Groudon ‘cause Groudon made the lan’ and tha’s where the money’s made.”

    “Oh, okay. But why did you pay more instead of taking that discount?”

    “Well, I learne’ that doin’ a favor fer Yodur is worse than payin’ a bit more.”

    “Okay, but why did you get so much stuff? And another thing… Where’d you get the money?” What? Just because he’s nice to me doesn’t mean I’m not curious.

    He hesitates at first, but he still answers. “The money’s from me dad,” he says sadly, “while the stuff’s for Mystery Dungeons.”

    Wait, what? Mystery Dungeons? That sounds a little familiar… “What are Mystery Dungeons?”

    “Aye, weird places they are. Places always shift every time ya enter so i’s pointless makin’ a map of it.”

    “Wait… Shift?”

    “They say some poison er somethin’ from the Reverse Worl’ leak inta ours when lo’s o’ bad stuff happen, makin’ time and space go whacko.”

    “Ah… But what’s the Reverse World?”

    Caine slumps his posture. “Oy…”

    We continue to converse on the way back with Caine two feet in front of me or so, even though Caine was a bit annoyed. He explained to me about the Reverse World, the ruler of the realm, Giratina (albeit a little), and a little more about what kinds of Pokémon I saw. But as he explains about that, we hear someone shouting, thus breaking the conversation.

    “Stop! THIEF!”

    I turn around to find, to my horror, a hulking, purple, dragon escargot towering over me as it went in my direction. To be honest, it wasn’t very scary looking, but I knew if it continued its way to me, it’ll be more than scary. Time slowed down to a crawl, everything looked like it was put in slow motion and I had the chance to think, to move, but I didn’t. Why? Because the creature was only one foot away from squashing me and my body just froze in defeat. But my short memories passed through my eyes in the background, and then one memory stuck out.

    You’re a good person…and a good friend…

    Those words were comforting to me despite the fact I’m going to die. I close my eyes and wait for inevitable, but I don’t feel something heavy pushing down on me or away. Instead, I hear a thud and grunt while feeling the quake of said thud. I dare open my eyes and find the same purple beast lying on the ground with a blue scarf holding jewel-like rocks in its clutches. Behind the monster a few feet away were the raised vines of Yodur with him bearing a very angry face.

    Yodur came to the weird thing as Pokémon who I assumed were Protectors scrambling towards it. He took the scarf with the precious items with a huff and said, “I’ll have these back now, thank you.”

    “Holy mother of Mew, you al’ right Cath?” he gasped, but I didn’t answer because I was staring at the scarf Yodur was holding. It looked so familiar… And, well, I don’t know… I just couldn’t help but stare.

    Yodur turns to us, his gaze concerned instead of the anger earlier. “I take it you two are okay?”

    I was taken out of my self-induced trance and answered, “Yeah. We’re…fine…” What? I was still shaken up… How’d you act like when you’ve almost died?

    Yodur nodded with satisfaction before heading back to his shop, but not without parting words. “Oh and Caine, you owe me for that.”


    After that occurrence, Caine and I went back immediately, seeing that it’s going to be night soon and I could be on the edge of death again. We had an early dinner and Caine gave me a quick tutor on how to use basic moves like Scratch as we walked back to the lodgings. When we were inside, I realized something.

    “Where am I gonna sleep?”

    “Oy… Well the only free spot that won’t ge’ burned’s near Steve. You ‘kay wi’ that?”

    I look at the clay bed near Steve’s nest which was only a few feet—maybe ten to twelve—feet away from Caine’s bed. Well… It doesn’t seem bad, so why not? “It’s fine.”

    I went there and upon closer inspection, there was a large space under my bed which is uncannily similar to a person’s bed. I go to the left side of it and look under it. There I find an old, small, brown satchel. I reach for it and stand up again. Like my earlier examination, it was light brown but it had something inside of it guessing from its weight. I open and instantly my nose is irritated. I reel back and the reflex to sneeze is very strong.

    I couldn’t hold any longer and I sneeze, but to my surprise—and horror—I spat fire and Steve—who came in while I was heading to my new bed—was in the ember’s trajectory. We both stared in horror—for different reasons though—as the flames just grazed Steve as he ducked. When the fire dissipated, Steve stood up again and I breathe a sigh of relief. But that relief was short lived as I saw Steve’s fuming face. He looked more like a volcano than a Servine at that moment.

    “What was that for, human?! Oh… You’re going to GET IT!” After that, Steve jumped from his spot and into me.

    I scream as he basically slams me and we start grappling each other. I hear Caine screaming at us to stop, but I don’t pay attention as my fight-or-flight instinct took over and chose fight. I bit him on his shoulder which makes him shout. He then slams into the wall, making me grunt. We roll on the ground again but then we’re separated by Caine who was holding his arms out to prevent us from attacking each other. What? You didn’t think I wasn’t angry at Steve for attacking me, do you?

    “What do you mean by that?! That was an ACCIDENT!”

    “Oh, an accident, eh? That’s what they said when Polygon City was destroyed!”

    “Whatever that is, it doesn’t mean you can just attack me!”

    “Oh, it definitely does, human…”

    “AL’ RIGHT! THA’S ENOUGH!” Caine shouted, making us stop pushing against his arms but we were still staring daggers at each other. “Now Steve, it as an accident and though ya nearly go’ burned ta death, it don’t mean ya can ‘ttack Cath, got it?” Steve huffed and the fight’s basically over as he walks back to his nest. I hear Caine mumble, “Man, I’ll neva ge’ wha’s wrong wi’ tha’ guy, am I?” before he turns to me. “You al’ right Cath?”

    “Yeah…” I’m still mad at the guy for attacking me with no real reason, but I don’t feel like doing something nasty to him, or at least lethal nasty.

    “Al’ right. Why don’ we go te sleep, aye?”

    I nod. “Yeah…” I hop on my bed, not caring for that stupid satchel, and lay down. “Good night…”

    Caine—who walked back to his nest while I was hopping onto mine—answered back, “G’ night Cath.”

    I close my eyes and review my day. So far Caine’s really nice. Boba too, and Yodur’s not half bad. But that Steve, oh… I think I’m gonna try to concoct a prank on him after learning about this place more. Today started out fine but that Goodra—Caine told me what it was at dinner—nearly trampling me, the thought terrifies me to the core. But there were two things that stuck out (other than that near-death experience). That voice in that memory was familiar, as well as comforting. Like he was a friend or something… And then there’s that scarf... I don’t know why, but I feel like I want to have it. I think I’ll ask Caine if we can get it tomorrow.

    I yawn. Tired from the whole day and my consciousness starts to slip, but thankfully it’s not because of injury. And soon, I was asleep.


    Author's Note: Well, I certainly got this sooner than I thought I would. Now I just realized that there has yet to be conflict added to the chapters so I'm speeding up the pace a bit. Hopefully not too much though... Anyways, I hope you like this and since I have nothing more to say so...

    CC out!
    Last edited by TheCharredDragon; 14th March 2014 at 9:23 AM. Reason: Beta Read Chapter Chages


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  13. #13
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    Hello. This is Subzero Dragon. I have to say, this story caught my attention right away. I've read a lot of PMD's, and most are pretty...well...uninteresting to be honest. Yours is refreshingly different from most I've seen. Sure, the hero is, once again, a confused human-turned-Pokemon, but the way you portray it is refreshing and very realistic. That said, I'll begin with Chapter 1.

    My breath slowed down to normal. The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place who it was. Suddenly, I felt like my body was shifting around me. Strangely, it wasn’t painful, but I heard the sound you would hear when you’re jiggling meat or fat. I could feel myself getting shorter, my fingers and arms as well, but my head shifted its shape instead of shortening. My mouth and nose felt like they merged and elongated ever so slightly, and I felt something come out of my rear.
    Some minor nitpicks about sentence structure there. I've bolded some recommended changes (Guilty-as-sin Grammar Nazi here. Stop me if I'm hypercritical.) Starting a sentence with "and", "or", and "but" works somewhat, but sentences flow more smoothly if you can avoid this. Try merging the sentences with a comma instead. (Also, using a text-to-voice program such as Say-Pad can help you "hear" how your story flows.)
    Additionally, I noticed you flip between past and present tense multiple times. (I corrected to past tense since that is the format you seem to use most.) This is a tricky habit to break if you type like you speak, which I do, but again, try to stick with one tense. Okay, enough of that. Grammar-Nazi off.

    Now, the primary reason I quoted this segment was to point out my favorite aspect of this chapter. This portion is a prime example of why I like this story. Your descriptions are interesting without being...squicky. Some authors go for shock value, some go for flowery prose, but not you. You got right to the point without being terribly terse, and I like it. I especially liked this part from later...

    I start to slow down and relax. I look at the ground as I breathed in deeply. But then I felt something I never felt before. It felt like a limb, but I don’t remember having one on my butt. I then sniffed the air when I smelled something. I recognize the smell as smoke, but I couldn’t see the source. I continue to sniff as I looked for the source. Slowly, I looked behind me and saw some grass on fire.

    “Oh, it’s fire…” But then I realize something; fire is dangerous. “Fire!” I shout and the first thing I did was start stamping it out. I grunted with each stomp as I slowly put the fire out before it spread. I sighed after I stamped out the last ember. But then I remembered what I saw that caused the fire.

    Was that a tail?
    That made me smile. That would pretty much be my reaction if I suddenly found a fire-tipped tail on my behind all of a sudden. This is a perfect example of what drew me in: your ability to realisticaly portray emotion. 'Nuff said.

    Overall, I see a lot of potental here. All it needs is a touch of beta-ing (which I can provide if you need). I'll get to Chapter 2 when I can!
    Fics in Progress


    Progress: ~30% *REWRITE IN PROGRESS!*

    Progress: 100% Continuation: 20%[/CENTER]

  14. #14
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    Wow... Just, wow... Didn't expect it to be this soon. Anyways, on to the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Subzero Dragon View Post
    Hello. This is Subzero Dragon. I have to say, this story caught my attention right away. I've read a lot of PMD's, and most are pretty...well...uninteresting to be honest. Yours is refreshingly different from most I've seen. Sure, the hero is, once again, a confused human-turned-Pokemon, but the way you portray it is refreshing and very realistic. That said, I'll begin with Chapter 1.
    Wow, really? I didn't think it'd be like that refreashing. But yeah... I wasn't originally thinking she'd be a human-turned-Pokémon, but it ended up that way. But I am happy about it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Subzero Dragon
    Some minor nitpicks about sentence structure there. I've bolded some recommended changes (Guilty-as-sin Grammar Nazi here. Stop me if I'm hypercritical.) Starting a sentence with "and", "or", and "but" works somewhat, but sentences flow more smoothly if you can avoid this. Try merging the sentences with a comma instead. (Also, using a text-to-voice program such as Say-Pad can help you "hear" how your story flows.)
    Additionally, I noticed you flip between past and present tense multiple times. (I corrected to past tense since that is the format you seem to use most.) This is a tricky habit to break if you type like you speak, which I do, but again, try to stick with one tense. Okay, enough of that. Grammar-Nazi off.
    It's okay. XD Bash it all you want, I'm trying to get better, aren't I? But THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME AN EXAMPLE! I knew I had that problem but I wasn't really sure where they were. Now, I know where to start.

    Quote Originally Posted by Subzero Dragon
    Now, the primary reason I quoted this segment was to point out my favorite aspect of this chapter. This portion is a prime example of why I like this story. Your descriptions are interesting without being...squicky. Some authors go for shock value, some go for flowery prose, but not you. You got right to the point without being terribly terse, and I like it. I especially liked this part from later...



    That made me smile. That would pretty much be my reaction if I suddenly found a fire-tipped tail on my behind all of a sudden. This is a perfect example of what drew me in: your ability to realisticaly portray emotion. 'Nuff said.
    Ha ha. XD I had fun writing that part you know, and thank you! I do my best to het to the point with enough description so it doesn't end up bogging down the story. So I'm happy to hear that. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Subzero Dragon
    Overall, I see a lot of potental here. All it needs is a touch of beta-ing (which I can provide if you need). I'll get to Chapter 2 when I can!
    Thanks for the review Subzero! But wow... I did NOT expect you wanting to read the next chapter. XD Phew... You didn't "steal" Knightfall's phrase...


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  15. #15
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    I groan as the cold around me gets even colder.
    It's okay description, but it doesn't tell what colder feels like since there is shivering, and then there is intense shivering, and then a crazy sense of extreme heat before you die from hypothermia. Yes, that's what it does, and it doesn't fit well with how he wonders why he hasn't died because it doesn't feel like serious danger. The rest of the first part describes a strange situation pretty well.

    In fact, it's kind of gross, but I'll take it.

    I'm not really sure why this scene would be included, but I appreciate the possibility that there will be plot events that build on the dialogue in this first section. Foreshadowing.

    His awaking is pretty good, again showing how he feels everything is not all right. Even not using pokemon names made sense because the recognition of pokemon couldn't happen in such brief moments.

    My vision darkens, I started hearing voices.
    This is part of the last section of the story, and, while I understand the vanishing vision, I don't think this is enough description. After all, there's grass or moss or something on ground that your character might have their mouth stuck on or hitting. Also, the sounds that the chasers make isn't well described especially as they near him. No crunching of rocks or twigs to imply anything big heading at him that he can't see, for example.

    So that was Chapter 1.

    Do I feel interested? Well, I do. Shadows and dialogue and chasing. It works, and I really can't think of what should be changed in the introduction. Description, maybe, but it seems like you're on course for a medium level story (I say that because it was short). Also, grammar and spelling is all right. Let's see how things fit with the next chapter.

    Chapter 2

    but it got clearer
    I think you meant that some sort of pain suppressed her sight. Such as a headache that distorts where the eyeballs should aim. Or there's sand in her eyes, but it wasn't described well, and that leaves behind a chance to express a lingering headache or some pain. Also, blurriness when waking up after a chase should induce fear, I think.

    that crocodile is talking
    It's funny that he perceives this and not a totodile (dang, I later learned he was a croconaw, but I won't edit this out anyway). I would more easily believe this if the vision was not perfect yet. That way his mind could make a false connection with what he's seeing.

    now I’m lying on the floor with him on my back. I struggle against him but his weight kept me down.
    That sort of weight should knock one's lungs empty. It's not exactly pleasure, especially when you might be hurting yourself and the guy one top of you in this position. So description here may be lacking in how the totodile hurts her.

    tired from the short sprint,
    I actually sprinted across my apartment to test this. No way she's that unfit, is she? Unless that is a big room she's inside of.

    I’m in a pretty big room with various beds and tables
    Oh, that explains a lot. Still, depending on sprinting speed, six or more seconds should be tiring for a person at full speed. Might be the same for a charamander's short legs.

    the door slams open, disturbing us/
    Well, I can imagine disturbing someone, but I wonder how each of the two characters reacted. I think the croconaw would merely look over as if this was expected. But she, the main character, would likely jump in response to the noise.

    Ah dang, the disadvantage to not mentioning the pokemon that the characters are is that I have trouble guessing who they are. You saw me guess that one of them was a totodile, for example. Since it is from her point of view, I'll deal with it, but hopefully she is introduced soon to all pokemon.

    Also, which one of the three characters is Boba? Confusion hit me there. As Boba talks to her about her memory loss, I am still confused who Boba is or what he is.

    “What do you mean by ‘wasn’t always a Charmander’?” The plant-o-saur said, the voice sounding like a girl’s.
    That's the best description without giving away the pokemon's name yet. In the meantime, I thought Boba was the grass snake. Nope, I was wrong.

    Ah man, there aren't questions coming out from that human's mouth about why humans are special? This is weird because she ponders if humans are special, and it does feel important to ask questions. (Also, sudden belief in the character's claim is weird.)

    After some time—maybe three minutes, he answers.
    That's a long time. Such a wait should influence stress in the main character. Might be something wrong with being human. Might be something that Caine is trying to hide but is planning something. There should be more than just what someone should be called. This is a good time for Catherine to worry about her future as well.

    End Chapter 2

    Well, it felt like it lacked some characterization. Characters do not appear interesting so far. Cat does. Caine is sorta, but it's just about moving the plot forward so far. I don't feel magic. Maybe it's solved by simply putting a pink bowtie on the bulbasaur, but oh well. I can't tell you how to fix it, but I do know that it seems like everyone is just standing around and talking in this chapter. Caine tackling Catherine was a good move in the chapter since it was interesting, but the rest of the chapter lacked that sort of interest. Boba, Steve (who the heck is this guy? His dialogue came out of nowhere.), and Lilian.

    Let's do Chapter 3

    Oh man, that Boba again. Mysterious again. Then what is Techro? He is a jerk, and that's making intersting stuff happen, but I don't know what he or Boba are. But actually I've read through an entire fantasy novel without a description of a character's species, so I can just make up an image for now.

    Ah yes, Techro's pretty good for the story. That's why there should be less of Steve and Lilian in the second chapter.

    “Yeah, a war. Has lasted ‘bout a few thousand years, give or take a few hun’red years.”
    That's longer than any known human conflict on Earth. That has to be supernatural, or there is a great reason for why it's still being fought.

    there were more Pokémon than just Lilian and Steve
    I thought right away that Steve was just being a filler. If he's that snake like pokemon that is royal, he should be introduced with more interest than just this or like in Chapter 2. After all, Steve didn't do anything special before, let's see what happens now.

    All right, I guess he relayed strange emotions.

    Before I could answer, my stomach starts to grumble, reminding me I haven’t eaten recently. I clutch my stomach and answer, “How about somewhere to eat?”
    Well, where have your other symptoms of hunger been? Pain, loss of energy, and slower movements are common complaints of hunger. Drinking water can suppress these side effects, but it seems weird that she didn't notice her hunger until now.

    Then the cafeteria scene seems to be the most empty scene so far. They go to the mess hall, sit, eat, and talk. Nothing particularly important comes out of this scene, and may be a burden to the the fic as a whole. I mean, introducing Team Supernatural in a boring lunch room? Not even interesting dialogue sprouts up, and it reminded me of high school.

    Let's get to Chapter 4

    That was the only I could think of as I stared at the silver statues of a green reptile with a bushy
    This is a contradiction since it can't be fully silver and green at the same time.

    Well, that was a bit long.
    It was. But it was history, and I liked it.

    which startles me and I screamed and staggered back.
    That was good. It introduced Yodur well. However, I don't have a picture of what their money looks like. Is it silver, gold, or something else? Also, why are we talking about mystery dungeons instead of being in one? This talk is cheap because Catherine isn't expecting to enter such a dungeon right away... so she doesn't feel any stress.

    the incident with the thief was interesting, but death was only likely to happen, not certain. Would she have been hurt greatly by being hit? Oh yeah, but death did not seem realistic to me.

    a quick tutor on how to use basic moves like Scratch as we walked back to the lodgings. When we were inside, I realized something.
    This is good use of exposition. Still, I would later expect to still see difficulty in using the move during a battle due to stress.

    won’t ge’ burned’s near Steve. You ‘kay wi’ that?”
    You can't be that stupid can you, Caine? I already expect what is about to occur. Can't Steve get burned? I understand that Catherine doesn't understand her fire, but I expected better from Caine.

    Oh, but that sneeze was not expected. I liked that.

    Also, Steve's mad, and that interested me a lot. Best scene for him so far. Heck, it could be an introduction to Steve in Chapter 4 instead of Chapter 2 because this was actually worth the time to read about Steve.

    Okay. End of chapters.

    Still, I await the conflict that demands the characters' action. I read through and I wonder where they're going to move into a plot. Maybe they will end the war after something bad happens to them. But I don't know, and it might be best to hurry up and get to the action.

    Also, Lilian and Steve really didn't matter much in the fic. They were like Team Supernatural. However, Steve stood out at the end. Techro did as well. Caine started good, and so far he's doing things well with her.

    Also, for a war, I didn't even hear about anyone being dead yet... That one skull doesn't count. I wonder why there wasn't even a discussion about losses in the lunchroom, or by Caine, or by anyone else. That's important in order to show the readers how the pokemon feel about their setting.

    As for how pleasant this fic is to me, it interests me, but I don't love it. I don't feel the damage the war has done to any characters. I do like the prose, and descriptions, and it seems realistic for Catherine's situation, but the story needs to get on with the plot. Boba, Steve, Lilian and Team Supernatural appeared to be the most useless characters of all in the fic. I mean, it's possible to introduce Steve and Lilian later in the adventure since such focus on Caine and Catherine right now could have been the best thing.

    Despite that, the story was nice to me while I read. Those were just my concerns about my experience with reading it since I can be demanding of what I read.
    As I adventured into math and ideas, that old desire for fan fiction came back.

    This review took at least an hour to write, by the way.

  16. #16
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    Oh... My... God... A REVIEW! And a critical one too! First off, I am so grateful for you doing this. Thank you so much... Anyways... Onto the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama View Post
    It's okay description, but it doesn't tell what colder feels like since there is shivering, and then there is intense shivering, and then a crazy sense of extreme heat before you die from hypothermia. Yes, that's what it does, and it doesn't fit well with how he wonders why he hasn't died because it doesn't feel like serious danger. The rest of the first part describes a strange situation pretty well.

    In fact, it's kind of gross, but I'll take it.
    Yes, it was noted by an earlier reviewer that my description was rather...short, I guess. I'm usually rather descriptive but I didn't want to get too descriptive but I ended up cutting down a little bit more than desirable. But thank you for saying that it went well for the situation, but gross? I didn't intend it to be but now that I look at it, I did make it gross. Better add that to the warnings...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    I'm not really sure why this scene would be included, but I appreciate the possibility that there will be plot events that build on the dialogue in this first section. Foreshadowing.
    Well... it was intended to be that way but it's messed up on the rest of the plot so I'll change a couple of things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    His awaking is pretty good, again showing how he feels everything is not all right. Even not using pokemon names made sense because the recognition of pokemon couldn't happen in such brief moments.
    Thank you...? I think... I didn't understand the sentence before "Even not using..."

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    This is part of the last section of the story, and, while I understand the vanishing vision, I don't think this is enough description. After all, there's grass or moss or something on ground that your character might have their mouth stuck on or hitting. Also, the sounds that the chasers make isn't well described especially as they near him. No crunching of rocks or twigs to imply anything big heading at him that he can't see, for example.
    Again, as explained earlier, it was mostly due to trying to cut myself down, but also forgetfulness. >_<

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    So that was Chapter 1.

    Do I feel interested? Well, I do. Shadows and dialogue and chasing. It works, and I really can't think of what should be changed in the introduction. Description, maybe, but it seems like you're on course for a medium level story (I say that because it was short). Also, grammar and spelling is all right. Let's see how things fit with the next chapter.
    Medium level? I think I ought to add by more descriptive prose... I understand what you say but I guess I got the effect I wanted: the reader to wonder what happens next.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Chapter 2



    I think you meant that some sort of pain suppressed her sight. Such as a headache that distorts where the eyeballs should aim. Or there's sand in her eyes, but it wasn't described well, and that leaves behind a chance to express a lingering headache or some pain. Also, blurriness when waking up after a chase should induce fear, I think.
    Ah, yes. I meant that but I guess I got forgetful again... I'll see what I can improve on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    It's funny that he perceives this and not a totodile (dang, I later learned he was a croconaw, but I won't edit this out anyway). I would more easily believe this if the vision was not perfect yet. That way his mind could make a false connection with what he's seeing.
    That makes more sense than what I thought so...I think I might combine the thoughts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    That sort of weight should knock one's lungs empty. It's not exactly pleasure, especially when you might be hurting yourself and the guy one top of you in this position. So description here may be lacking in how the totodile hurts her.
    Ops. I didn't realize that... I'll add as soon as I can.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    I actually sprinted across my apartment to test this. No way she's that unfit, is she? Unless that is a big room she's inside of.
    Really? Maybe I should try myself. But no, it's not because she's unfit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Oh, that explains a lot. Still, depending on sprinting speed, six or more seconds should be tiring for a person at full speed. Might be the same for a charamander's short legs.
    Actually, I was thinking it's mostly because she's still a bit exhausted from the running she did in the prior chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Well, I can imagine disturbing someone, but I wonder how each of the two characters reacted. I think the croconaw would merely look over as if this was expected. But she, the main character, would likely jump in response to the noise.
    Again, forgetfulness as I completely freewrote those chapters so...I wasn't thinking really straight...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Ah dang, the disadvantage to not mentioning the pokemon that the characters are is that I have trouble guessing who they are. You saw me guess that one of them was a totodile, for example. Since it is from her point of view, I'll deal with it, but hopefully she is introduced soon to all pokemon.
    Yeah, I know. But that's just how she sees them. But don't worry, she'll be introduced for the most part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Also, which one of the three characters is Boba? Confusion hit me there. As Boba talks to her about her memory loss, I am still confused who Boba is or what he is.
    Ah, well he's a Typhlosion. I alwaysed viewed them as badger like so hence the reason why she too see's that way since I can't think of another way she'd see it without hinting its name. Maybe I should try to clarify it a bit...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    That's the best description without giving away the pokemon's name yet. In the meantime, I thought Boba was the grass snake. Nope, I was wrong.
    Ha ha. XD Thank you and yes, you're wrong. XP

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Ah man, there aren't questions coming out from that human's mouth about why humans are special? This is weird because she ponders if humans are special, and it does feel important to ask questions. (Also, sudden belief in the character's claim is weird.)
    You know... That would actually make the whole thing a lot more interesting... I can't believe I didn't notice it. >_< (Steve and Lilian were skeptical while Caine is the one that believes her the most. But I think I might need to clafify that too...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    That's a long time. Such a wait should influence stress in the main character. Might be something wrong with being human. Might be something that Caine is trying to hide but is planning something. There should be more than just what someone should be called. This is a good time for Catherine to worry about her future as well.
    Aaaaaand there goes a big chance for conflict... I should've seen it. >_< Thank you for pointing that out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    End Chapter 2

    Well, it felt like it lacked some characterization. Characters do not appear interesting so far. Cat does. Caine is sorta, but it's just about moving the plot forward so far. I don't feel magic. Maybe it's solved by simply putting a pink bowtie on the bulbasaur, but oh well. I can't tell you how to fix it, but I do know that it seems like everyone is just standing around and talking in this chapter. Caine tackling Catherine was a good move in the chapter since it was interesting, but the rest of the chapter lacked that sort of interest. Boba, Steve (who the heck is this guy? His dialogue came out of nowhere.), and Lilian.
    I'm not even completely sure what characterization is so I'm still working on it... Yeah... You have a point... As for Steve... His dialogue actually started in the beginning, if you paid attention on their speech pattern... But yes, Lilian was just added out of nowhere really... Can't really give an explanation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Let's do Chapter 3

    Oh man, that Boba again. Mysterious again. Then what is Techro? He is a jerk, and that's making intersting stuff happen, but I don't know what he or Boba are. But actually I've read through an entire fantasy novel without a description of a character's species, so I can just make up an image for now.
    They're, respectively, a Quilava and Typhlosion, but thank you for saying Techro was interesting, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to do more with him or not.

    [quote=AkiyamaAh yes, Techro's pretty good for the story. That's why there should be less of Steve and Lilian in the second chapter.[/quote]

    ... I have nothing to say except okay...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    That's longer than any known human conflict on Earth. That has to be supernatural, or there is a great reason for why it's still being fought.
    That's why I made it last long, because it isn't natural. Not sure if I'm doing it right anymore though...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    I thought right away that Steve was just being a filler. If he's that snake like pokemon that is royal, he should be introduced with more interest than just this or like in Chapter 2. After all, Steve didn't do anything special before, let's see what happens now.

    All right, I guess he relayed strange emotions.
    Actually, he originally was a bit of filler, but I kind of grown fond of him so I ended up doing more...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Well, where have your other symptoms of hunger been? Pain, loss of energy, and slower movements are common complaints of hunger. Drinking water can suppress these side effects, but it seems weird that she didn't notice her hunger until now.
    ... *falls anime style and then stands up the same way* I cannot believe I missed that! It would change the chapters a bit... But I guess I thought, originally, since lizards can go longer without food and water (at least longer than people, I think...), I found it reasonable. But you have a very good point. I'll see what I can do.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Then the cafeteria scene seems to be the most empty scene so far. They go to the mess hall, sit, eat, and talk. Nothing particularly important comes out of this scene, and may be a burden to the the fic as a whole. I mean, introducing Team Supernatural in a boring lunch room? Not even interesting dialogue sprouts up, and it reminded me of high school.
    I think I might omit that scene, or even turn it to an info dump paragraph. But I had reason to introduce them, I guess I didn't make it the way I wanted...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Let's get to Chapter 4



    This is a contradiction since it can't be fully silver and green at the same time.
    Ops. I meant that she noticed it looked like a Treecko she saw in the room she met Caine because the statue was a Sceptile, which is the evolved form of Treecko and looks similiar to it. I should clarify that...

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    It was. But it was history, and I liked it.
    Thank you. I've made a very long history about the place this is set in.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    That was good. It introduced Yodur well. However, I don't have a picture of what their money looks like. Is it silver, gold, or something else? Also, why are we talking about mystery dungeons instead of being in one? This talk is cheap because Catherine isn't expecting to enter such a dungeon right away... so she doesn't feel any stress.
    Thanks. I wanted it to be rather quirky. Ops... I should've added that somewhere... >_< I get to that as soon as I can. ...Or is she? But, you have a point on that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    the incident with the thief was interesting, but death was only likely to happen, not certain. Would she have been hurt greatly by being hit? Oh yeah, but death did not seem realistic to me.
    Heh heh heh hee... Oh, well... I was thinking since Goodra is probably three or five times larger than a Charmander that she would be squashed, or at least suffocated to death. But I understand why you think that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    This is good use of exposition. Still, I would later expect to still see difficulty in using the move during a battle due to stress.
    Thank you, and don't worry, you will. *grins evily*

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    You can't be that stupid can you, Caine? I already expect what is about to occur. Can't Steve get burned? I understand that Catherine doesn't understand her fire, but I expected better from Caine.
    Well, he was thinking more along the lines of not setting fire to the bed, not Steve. But yes, you have a point on that... It's just that I found it within his nature to do that so... yeah... But you got a good point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Oh, but that sneeze was not expected. I liked that.
    Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Also, Steve's mad, and that interested me a lot. Best scene for him so far. Heck, it could be an introduction to Steve in Chapter 4 instead of Chapter 2 because this was actually worth the time to read about Steve.
    Again, thank you for telling me that. I actually didn't think it would be that nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Okay. End of chapters.

    Still, I await the conflict that demands the characters' action. I read through and I wonder where they're going to move into a plot. Maybe they will end the war after something bad happens to them. But I don't know, and it might be best to hurry up and get to the action.
    Thanks for confirming what I was thinking because I actually realized, before chapter 4, that the plot was nowhere to be seen and I thought that may be the reason why nobody has even criticized me on it, so thank you for confirming because I am planning on making the next chapters fast paced to reach the plot.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Also, Lilian and Steve really didn't matter much in the fic. They were like Team Supernatural. However, Steve stood out at the end. Techro did as well. Caine started good, and so far he's doing things well with her.
    Yes... For Team Supernatural, Lilian and Steve (originally) weren't meant to stand out. For Supernatural's case, for now... Okay. Thank you for that analysis.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Also, for a war, I didn't even hear about anyone being dead yet... That one skull doesn't count. I wonder why there wasn't even a discussion about losses in the lunchroom, or by Caine, or by anyone else. That's important in order to show the readers how the pokemon feel about their setting.
    ... Okay... I completely forgot about it but I was mostly thinking of the calm before the storm thing but you have a point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    As for how pleasant this fic is to me, it interests me, but I don't love it. I don't feel the damage the war has done to any characters. I do like the prose, and descriptions, and it seems realistic for Catherine's situation, but the story needs to get on with the plot. Boba, Steve, Lilian and Team Supernatural appeared to be the most useless characters of all in the fic. I mean, it's possible to introduce Steve and Lilian later in the adventure since such focus on Caine and Catherine right now could have been the best thing.
    I was expecting you not to love it. I am a beginner so I don't mind if my work is not loved, but being criticized is enough. I agree with the plot thing completely, and that's what I'm trying to get to now. I see... Well... I wasn't really thinking in advance so the errors have come back to bite me, but thank you for pointing it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akiyama
    Despite that, the story was nice to me while I read. Those were just my concerns about my experience with reading it since I can be demanding of what I read.
    I understand and so, I'm going to improve. From what you've said, I might change the chapters, but I might decide against it. Chapter 1 is the most likely to get edited, but everything else is up to debate. But, once again, thank you so much for the review and even reading the whole thing. I am grateful for your review.


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