It's okay description, but it doesn't tell what colder feels like since there is shivering, and then there is intense shivering, and then a crazy sense of extreme heat before you die from hypothermia. Yes, that's what it does, and it doesn't fit well with how he wonders why he hasn't died because it doesn't feel like serious danger. The rest of the first part describes a strange situation pretty well.
I groan as the cold around me gets even colder.
In fact, it's kind of gross, but I'll take it.
I'm not really sure why this scene would be included, but I appreciate the possibility that there will be plot events that build on the dialogue in this first section. Foreshadowing.
His awaking is pretty good, again showing how he feels everything is not all right. Even not using pokemon names made sense because the recognition of pokemon couldn't happen in such brief moments.
This is part of the last section of the story, and, while I understand the vanishing vision, I don't think this is enough description. After all, there's grass or moss or something on ground that your character might have their mouth stuck on or hitting. Also, the sounds that the chasers make isn't well described especially as they near him. No crunching of rocks or twigs to imply anything big heading at him that he can't see, for example.
My vision darkens, I started hearing voices.
So that was Chapter 1.
Do I feel interested? Well, I do. Shadows and dialogue and chasing. It works, and I really can't think of what should be changed in the introduction. Description, maybe, but it seems like you're on course for a medium level story (I say that because it was short). Also, grammar and spelling is all right. Let's see how things fit with the next chapter.
I think you meant that some sort of pain suppressed her sight. Such as a headache that distorts where the eyeballs should aim. Or there's sand in her eyes, but it wasn't described well, and that leaves behind a chance to express a lingering headache or some pain. Also, blurriness when waking up after a chase should induce fear, I think.
It's funny that he perceives this and not a totodile (dang, I later learned he was a croconaw, but I won't edit this out anyway). I would more easily believe this if the vision was not perfect yet. That way his mind could make a false connection with what he's seeing.
that crocodile is talking
That sort of weight should knock one's lungs empty. It's not exactly pleasure, especially when you might be hurting yourself and the guy one top of you in this position. So description here may be lacking in how the totodile hurts her.
now I’m lying on the floor with him on my back. I struggle against him but his weight kept me down.
I actually sprinted across my apartment to test this. No way she's that unfit, is she? Unless that is a big room she's inside of.
tired from the short sprint,
Oh, that explains a lot. Still, depending on sprinting speed, six or more seconds should be tiring for a person at full speed. Might be the same for a charamander's short legs.
I’m in a pretty big room with various beds and tables
Well, I can imagine disturbing someone, but I wonder how each of the two characters reacted. I think the croconaw would merely look over as if this was expected. But she, the main character, would likely jump in response to the noise.
the door slams open, disturbing us/
Ah dang, the disadvantage to not mentioning the pokemon that the characters are is that I have trouble guessing who they are. You saw me guess that one of them was a totodile, for example. Since it is from her point of view, I'll deal with it, but hopefully she is introduced soon to all pokemon.
Also, which one of the three characters is Boba? Confusion hit me there. As Boba talks to her about her memory loss, I am still confused who Boba is or what he is.
That's the best description without giving away the pokemon's name yet. In the meantime, I thought Boba was the grass snake. Nope, I was wrong.
“What do you mean by ‘wasn’t always a Charmander’?” The plant-o-saur said, the voice sounding like a girl’s.
Ah man, there aren't questions coming out from that human's mouth about why humans are special? This is weird because she ponders if humans are special, and it does feel important to ask questions. (Also, sudden belief in the character's claim is weird.)
That's a long time. Such a wait should influence stress in the main character. Might be something wrong with being human. Might be something that Caine is trying to hide but is planning something. There should be more than just what someone should be called. This is a good time for Catherine to worry about her future as well.
After some time—maybe three minutes, he answers.
End Chapter 2
Well, it felt like it lacked some characterization. Characters do not appear interesting so far. Cat does. Caine is sorta, but it's just about moving the plot forward so far. I don't feel magic. Maybe it's solved by simply putting a pink bowtie on the bulbasaur, but oh well. I can't tell you how to fix it, but I do know that it seems like everyone is just standing around and talking in this chapter. Caine tackling Catherine was a good move in the chapter since it was interesting, but the rest of the chapter lacked that sort of interest. Boba, Steve (who the heck is this guy? His dialogue came out of nowhere.), and Lilian.
Let's do Chapter 3
Oh man, that Boba again. Mysterious again. Then what is Techro? He is a jerk, and that's making intersting stuff happen, but I don't know what he or Boba are. But actually I've read through an entire fantasy novel without a description of a character's species, so I can just make up an image for now.
Ah yes, Techro's pretty good for the story. That's why there should be less of Steve and Lilian in the second chapter.
That's longer than any known human conflict on Earth. That has to be supernatural, or there is a great reason for why it's still being fought.
“Yeah, a war. Has lasted ‘bout a few thousand years, give or take a few hun’red years.”
I thought right away that Steve was just being a filler. If he's that snake like pokemon that is royal, he should be introduced with more interest than just this or like in Chapter 2. After all, Steve didn't do anything special before, let's see what happens now.
there were more Pokémon than just Lilian and Steve
All right, I guess he relayed strange emotions.
Well, where have your other symptoms of hunger been? Pain, loss of energy, and slower movements are common complaints of hunger. Drinking water can suppress these side effects, but it seems weird that she didn't notice her hunger until now.
Before I could answer, my stomach starts to grumble, reminding me I haven’t eaten recently. I clutch my stomach and answer, “How about somewhere to eat?”
Then the cafeteria scene seems to be the most empty scene so far. They go to the mess hall, sit, eat, and talk. Nothing particularly important comes out of this scene, and may be a burden to the the fic as a whole. I mean, introducing Team Supernatural in a boring lunch room? Not even interesting dialogue sprouts up, and it reminded me of high school.
Let's get to Chapter 4
This is a contradiction since it can't be fully silver and green at the same time.
That was the only I could think of as I stared at the silver statues of a green reptile with a bushy
It was. But it was history, and I liked it.
Well, that was a bit long.
That was good. It introduced Yodur well. However, I don't have a picture of what their money looks like. Is it silver, gold, or something else? Also, why are we talking about mystery dungeons instead of being in one? This talk is cheap because Catherine isn't expecting to enter such a dungeon right away... so she doesn't feel any stress.
which startles me and I screamed and staggered back.
the incident with the thief was interesting, but death was only likely to happen, not certain. Would she have been hurt greatly by being hit? Oh yeah, but death did not seem realistic to me.
This is good use of exposition. Still, I would later expect to still see difficulty in using the move during a battle due to stress.
a quick tutor on how to use basic moves like Scratch as we walked back to the lodgings. When we were inside, I realized something.
You can't be that stupid can you, Caine? I already expect what is about to occur. Can't Steve get burned? I understand that Catherine doesn't understand her fire, but I expected better from Caine.
won’t ge’ burned’s near Steve. You ‘kay wi’ that?”
Oh, but that sneeze was not expected. I liked that.
Also, Steve's mad, and that interested me a lot. Best scene for him so far. Heck, it could be an introduction to Steve in Chapter 4 instead of Chapter 2 because this was actually worth the time to read about Steve.
Okay. End of chapters.
Still, I await the conflict that demands the characters' action. I read through and I wonder where they're going to move into a plot. Maybe they will end the war after something bad happens to them. But I don't know, and it might be best to hurry up and get to the action.
Also, Lilian and Steve really didn't matter much in the fic. They were like Team Supernatural. However, Steve stood out at the end. Techro did as well. Caine started good, and so far he's doing things well with her.
Also, for a war, I didn't even hear about anyone being dead yet... That one skull doesn't count. I wonder why there wasn't even a discussion about losses in the lunchroom, or by Caine, or by anyone else. That's important in order to show the readers how the pokemon feel about their setting.
As for how pleasant this fic is to me, it interests me, but I don't love it. I don't feel the damage the war has done to any characters. I do like the prose, and descriptions, and it seems realistic for Catherine's situation, but the story needs to get on with the plot. Boba, Steve, Lilian and Team Supernatural appeared to be the most useless characters of all in the fic. I mean, it's possible to introduce Steve and Lilian later in the adventure since such focus on Caine and Catherine right now could have been the best thing.
Despite that, the story was nice to me while I read. Those were just my concerns about my experience with reading it since I can be demanding of what I read.
As I adventured into math and ideas, that old desire for fan fiction came back.
This review took at least an hour to write, by the way.