The Mixing Infection

[Snivyhero]

Hello, this is Snivyhero here, posting my first fan-fic on here, so enjoy.

[Just a little note, at times, there will be violence, horror, weird things and some swearing, stared out of course, so please read with caution, but I won't use it much, This will be mostly G-PG-13. Sorry that I didn't rate it before, but now each new chapter will have a rating at the top~ Snivy]

Characters~

Gemma Chickadee has long, messy brown hair that curls at the ends and brown-green eyes. She usually wears a rainbow sweater, black tennis shoes, blue baggy jeans, and an orange t-shirt. Her Pokemon is Eevee, nicknamed Zero.

[Hey, I am going to decide whether to change Zero into a girl, and if I do, please help with the name change ~Snivy]

Luke Blizzard has short, a bit spiky blond hair and dark blue-brown eyes. He normally wears a white hoodie, white tennis shoes, a light green t-shirt, and light blue jeans. His Pokemon partner is Shinx, nicknamed Spark.

Alex Fyree has short ginger hair that is a bit shaggy and icy blue eyes. He usually wears gray shorts, a gray jacket, red tennis shoes, and a long sleeved bright orange shirt. His Pokemon partner is Charmander, nicknamed Flame.

Emily Lasher has long raven black hair and amber eyes. She normally wears dark blue ankle length jeans, light blue boots, a brown sweater with ocean blue stripes , and a long sleeved black shirt. Her Pokemon partner is Mudkip, nicknamed Splash.

[Snivyhero]

Chapter 1 ~ Battle Time



Gemma tied her hair back in a ponytail, for the breeze was blowing it around and she couldn't concentrate. Luke took a deep breath, and waited for the action to begin. Alex leaned back in his chair, yawning. Emily had her Pokeball in her hand, ready for battle. Once Gemma put her hair back, she reached into her bag and grabbed Zero's Pokeball.

Emily smiled, and threw out the Pokeball, saying "Go Splash!" and Splash, her Mudkip, appeared out of the Pokeball, in its battle stance.

Gemma smiled, and tossed the ball into the air "Fight to the finish, Zero!" Zero, the Eevee, came out of the Pokeball, and said a confident "Eevee!"

Luke took out his Pokewatch, and put the coin toss mode on.

Gemma quickly yelled "Tails!" which left Emily with heads.

Luke pressed the button staring at the scree, watching the coin flip over to one of its sides, and he looked up, saying "Heads."

Emily smiled, and looked at Gemma in the eyes "Watch out, because here I come. Splash, attack with Mud-Slap!"

Splash ran toward Zero at full speed, and then jumped up in the air, and a stream of mud came out of Splashes mouth. Zero jumped, attempting to dodge, but failed and was hit by the Mud-Slap.

Zero was flung to the far corner, and trapped, then Gemma yelled "Zero, use Headbutt!"

Zero's frown became a grin as he aimed his head at Splash, and started running towards Splash. Splash went to the side, but was hit in the dead center


Splash winced, then fell over on her side, with a frown on her face

Gemma smiled, taking out her ponytail, and she said "Zero, attack Splash with Quick Attack!"

Emily's eyes widened, full of worry for Splash. She looked at Splash, then called out "Splash, counterattack with Whirlpool!"

Splash shook her head, and slowly stood up, and formed a big whirlpool a over her head, the water swirling.

Zero put his foot forward, and went from place to place at a fast pace. Zero went to Splashes left side, only to be hit with whirlpool. Zero was trapped inside the whirlpool, attempting to break free, but failed to.

Then, Gemma stared at the whirlpool, and then yelled "Break free with Iron Tail, Zero!"

The water muffled Gemma's voice, and Zero could barely make out what she said, but he though he heard 'Iron' and thought that she wanted him to use Iron Tail. So, Zero's tail turned from brown to metallic silver, and he poked his tail into the whirlpool, causing it to break apart. However, both Pokemon were flung backwards, the water did a number on both of the Pokemon, Splash fell onto her side, and Zero went head first into the ground

The Pokemon on each sides were weak and tired.

Then Emily called out "Splash, use Watergun" then a stream of water came out of Splashes mouth.

Gemma focused, and she said to her Pokemon "Zero, Iron Tail!" and Zero's tail became a metallic silver, bounced the Watergun back at Splash, causing damage.

It wasn't very effective, but Splash fell to the ground with a thud and a twitch.

Emily frowned, and looked at Splash, her amber eyes full of disgrace, humility, and sadness over the losing the battle.

Alex stood up and yelled "Gemma and Zero are the winners!"

Gemma went over to Zero, her eyes full of joy, and picked him up, and Emily went into the field, and did the same with Splash. When Emily picked up Splash, she placed her in her arms, and started rocking her Pokemon back and forth, as if Splash was a little baby crying for its mother.

Emily looked down at Splash "There is a Pokemon Center nearby, let's go there.” Gemma nodded, then smiled, as Zero snuggled his head into her chest, Emily slowly nodded, looking down at Splash, who was dozing off.

Luke smiled, and he glanced at each of his friends faces before saying “Let’s go then, times a ’wasting.”

Gemma looked at Luke smiling, while Emily kept looking at Splash, feeling sorry for Splash and wishing he didn’t faint.

Alex went over to Emily, and placed his hand on her shoulder, and whispered in her ear “It’ll be alright Emily, Splash will be alright, and there is no need to worry. Once we get to the Center, we’ll get Splash all healed up, and he will be as good as new. You got that Emily?”

Emily looked into Alex’s eyes, murmuring “Okay. If you say so Alex.” And Emily looked up, and smiled, even though she was still worried for Splash, then stared right into Alex’s eyes once more.

Luke chuckled “Are you two love birds done saying how much you love each other?”

Emily glared at Luke, but then looked at the ground, and shuffled her feet “Wee not in love, and yes, we are done talking Luke.”

Gemma smiled, and started walking down the path “Then are you coming or not?”

Alex started walking “We will, don’t worry.”

Emily looked at Alex’s face, then at Gemma, and followed after Luke, Alex, and Gemma. The friends looked at each other, with big smiles on their faces that were big as the planet Jupiter, as they headed down the dirt road.

[aswertyuiol]

It's got a solid start, but I have a few little problems. It's pretty short, the average chapter should have at least two the three paragraphs. When writing someone talking, when one person finishes talking and the other starts talking, you should put a new line to stop it from getting confusing. Also, Splash doesn't come from anywhere, it's just there. Which is a little wierd.

An example of the speaking rule:

"I'm going to beat you." Ex1 said.
"No you're not." Ex2 replied.

That is all. I hope you find my review helpful.
~aswertyuiol

[Snivyhero]

Okay, thanks for the tip, and I was just trying to start it off, I will make the chapter longer, and I will start doing the new line thing, and I'll work on that

[Snivyhero]

Here is Chapter 2 everybody, hope you enjoy! (It will be most likely that I won't post chapters on weekdays until school is over, which is the 24th of May, but keep reading!)
By the way, I will sometimes do a Pokemon view, then a trainer view.

Chapter 2 ~ Discovery


The group of friends walked down the dirt road, chatting and enjoying the forest scenery, lush with many types of trees, from pine to oak, berry to birch. There were even apple trees, and once Zero saw one, he jumped down from Gemma's arms and went towards the apple tree.

Gemma looked at Zero, and sighed "Zero, come back here."

Zero ignored Gemma, and started running to the apple tree.

Luke rolled his eyes "He's probably hungry after that battle"

Alex nodded in agreement, and Emily looked at the forest, distracted.

Then while the group's minds were elsewhere, Spark chose to come out of his Pokeball, then saw Zero going towards the tree. Spark smiled at the thought of a delicious apple, and followed Zero with his head held high.

Emily, now focusing on Spark and Zero, said "Luke, Spark is hungry as well."

Luke glanced at Zero, and chuckled "I guess it's time for a little snack then, I bet everybody is hungry."

Alex smiled, and licked his lips, and he got Flame's Pokeball out, and threw it at the ground. Flame came out, napping. Gemma let out a small giggle and Emily smiled. Splash leaped off of Emily's head and nudged Flame. Flame slowly got up, yawning. Splash then ran towards the tree while Flame was still waking up. Alex searched in his backpack, and brought out an orange blanket, went out to the green grass, and laid it on the ground. Gemma went over to the apple tree with Luke to help their Pokemon get apples, and Flame laid down on the blanket with Alex and Emily looked up at the sky.

"Looks like a storm is coming," Emily said looking up, then looked at Alex "We better go soon."

Alex frowned "We'll eat first, then go."

Flame twisted his head, his eyes widening as Gemma and Luke brought some apples over. Flame got up, slowly, and looked at the bright red apples.

Gemma smiled "Is this enough?" and she dumped the apples onto the blanket, and an apple rolled towards Alex and Flame.

Alex smiled, picking up the apple "Yep, its good." and he took a chomp

The Pokemon grabbed an apple each, and the trainers sat down and ate.

Luke picked up two apples, and started juggling them as best as he could. His hand failed to catch one of the apples and it hit Spark’s head.

Luke bent down, and placed his other apple down, then put his hand on Sparks forehead, and started rubbbing the spot where the apple had it hit, saying “Sorry buddy, my hand slipped while I was juggling.”

Spark smiled, and looked at Luke, giving him the best and most believable grin that would most likely make Luke feel better.

Luke bent over, and picked Luke up, and tossed him in the air, laughing and smiling “Up, up, and away!”

Spark let out a happy “Shinx! Shinx!” as Luke tossed him in the air.

Zero looked over at Luke and Spar, and smiled as he ate his apple while sitting on Gemma’s lap.

Flame kept looking up at the sky, wondering if it was going to rain, while he munched on his apple.

Alex looked at Alex, smiling “Don’t overeat. Or you won’t be able to have dinner later.”

Emily tried to feed Splash, but Splash was being fidgety.

Emily frowned “Please Splash, aren’t you hungry?”

Splash glared at Emily, and said a grumpy ”Mud-Mudkip!” and Splash turned around, showing her back to Emily.

Emily frowned once more “Splash won’t eat a single bite of an apple.” And she looked at Splash.

Alex smiled, taking a bite of his apple “Maybe she doesn’t have her appetite.”

Gemma smiled as she finished her apple, and she licked her fingers of the apple juice while saying “Once you guys are finished, let’s head off.”


Once everybody had finished, they stood up, and put the leftover apples in their bags for later. Alex put his blanket back in his backpack, and slung it on his back.

Emily looked up at the sky once more "We have to go, now."

Everybody looked up, and saw big, black and dark gray clouds right above them.

Alex frowned, and grabbed Flame's Pokeball, and looked at Flame, and said "Flame, return." and Flame went back to his ball

Luke looked at the path ahead, and smiled as Spark went to his side "Let's go then."

The group headed along the path at a hurried pace, trying to make sure they were kept out of the storm. Then, suddenly, a roar of thunder echoed above them, and it started pouring rain. The ground soon became wet, and the group was getting soaked. Emily and Splash were smiling, for they enjoyed the rain, but the group ran along the path, the rain pounding against them, chilling their bones and washing away their color.

Alex called out "I see a Pokemon Center up ahead!"

All of the trainers' eyes lit up, and they ran even harder, hoping not to get too wet. The Pokemon Center came into view of the group, and before they knew it, they were on the doorstep.

Gemma looked into the Center through the window, and said "The lights are on, but I don't see Nurse Joy."

Luke went against the window, peering inside "Hmm, well that's weird, usually at least one person is inside."

"Maybe she's in the backroom" Emily reasoned.

"Possibly" Gemma backed away from the window, and went towards the door, and she said as she placed her hand on the doorknob, and then looked behind her at her friends “Now let's go inside, before we get soaked from the rain."

[Psychic]

the average chapter should have at least two the three paragraphs.

This is wrong - both of you need to read the Fan Fiction Rules: each chapter must be at least two pages long on Microsoft Word, no less. Snivyhero, this means your second chapter is more or less fine, but the first chapter is not.

You have other problems here as well. It doesn't look like you're using a spell-checker, or even proofreading your work at all, because I saw a few spelling mistakes in the first chapter like "here" instead of "her," "adn" instead of "and," and "ll" instead of "all." Reread your work and look for these mistakes before posting your story.

In accordance with the rules, you must post your first chapter at least 15 minutes after started the thread, which you didn't, and you can't have all these posts that just say "chapter X coming soon." Please stop making them.

It's good that you learned quickly from aswertyuiol telling you to make new paragraphs every time a new person speaks (and you correctly skip a line between each paragraph, which is good). However, you also need to go back and fix this in your first chapter, and make sure it's at least two pages long. You also need to remember to punctuate correctly. Remember that every sentence ends with a period, even if it's spoken dialogue. So it should be:

Gemma looked at Zero, and sighed "Zero, come back here."

and

Luke rolled his eyes "He's probably hungry after that battle."

In addition, don't forget to describe things. Show us where the characters are, what the weather's like, how busy it is. Show us what the characters and their Pokemon look like. Show us how the people and Pokemon act and react during battle - when do they look confident, when do they look nervous, when do they shout out in triumph, when do they cry out in pain? These are important parts of a battle that help add to the excitement of a scene.


I know it sounds like a lot, but please make sure to go back and edit your story with these changes. Add periods at the end of every sentence, fix the paragraphing in the first chapter, and add description. Make sure the first chapter is at least two pages long, because if you don't fix that your fic will be closed. Your writing is pretty good and you have a good grasp of grammar, but there are still improvements you can make. It isn't that hard and it doesn't take that long, but you should be putting effort into whatever you post for the world to see.

Good luck,
~Psychic

[Snivyhero]

My Microsoft word doesn't work, so I can't do that, I will proof read from now on, and I am missing a few keys on the board so, it explains the typos, my 'a' has nothing, so it is hard to do it, and don't worry, I plan to add the battle part in chapter 1. Thanks for the heads up! That really helped.

[Deadly.Braviary]

I believe you can get a programme called 'on-screen keyboard'? In my computer, it's on 'C:\Windows\system32\osk' - just run that address, and it should be fine. As for MS Word, you could run it through an online spellchecker website.

~Deadly

[Psychic]

The rules say if you don't have Microsoft Word to use another program that can check your spelling, even something simple like www.spellcheck.net - do a Google search and you'll find more examples. The rules also say if you're not sure how long two pages on Word is, it's about 1,000 words - again, you can find programs to count how many words you have through Google.

I see that you have started making changes, and as a result the first chapter already looks a lot better, so you're off to a good start! Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much time you're spending proofreading, because you still misspell "Eevee" in chapter one and are still missing plenty of periods at the end of sentences. This is stuff that you really have to take the time to work on and fix, especially if you're not using Word.

Also, honestly, you need to fix this stuff - like missing certain keys and not having chapters that are at least two pages long/1,000 words - before you start and post a new fic thread. You can't put off adding description in favour of starting an entirely new fic, especially if that fic also isn't at least two pages long/1,000 words. There's nothing wrong with having multiple fics as long as you still put time and effort into each one and making sure they all follow the rules, but right now you're not showing that you can do this. I highly suggest you just focus on one story for now until you can bring the quality up to where it needs to be.

I know it's tough, but ya gotta follow the rules.
~Psychic

[Snivyhero]

Ok, and I will start making the changes, and I will start proof reading, and sorry, I will now check for any mistakes before posting, and I will make sure it is long enough, I will edit all of that before I post the 3rd Chapter. And I am also kinda busy most of the time, but with each chapter, I will do as you say, and make it as much as 1,000 words, and I can use Word on another computer if you want, and if I can't, I will use the link. Thank you so much!

~ Snivyhero

Edit: I fixed the chapters, they are three Word pages long!

Edit Edit: I fixed the chapters using Word on another computer, I can do that for chapters if you wish

[Snivyhero]

Hey, sorry that this chapter took a while, but is finished, and I used Word! Hope you enjoy!


Chapter 3 ~ Healing Mystery

Gemma turned the handle slowly, and then pulled the door till it was ajar.

Gemma peeked into the Pokemon Center, saying “Hello is anybody here?”

Her voice echoed in the empty Center, and then a little squeak was heard.

Alex’s eyes widened “What was that?”

Emily smiled, and looked at Alex, and said with a giggle “It is your brother Alex; he brought your lunch which you forgot to bring to school.”

Alex rolled his eyes, but was still scared “I don’t even have a brother Emily.”

Luke stared at the two “Will you guys knock it off!” Luke said in an angry tone “You guys are goofing around while something serious could be -----“

Luke was interrupted when he heard the squeaking of the door. Luke walked towards it, and saw Gemma walking around quietly.

Luke glared at Gemma with a serious face and tone “Gemma, what are you doing in hear. It may not be safe here.”

Gemma looked back at Luke for one second, and then she looked around the Pokemon Center “I’m going to see what that noise was.”

Luke went into the Center and rushed to Gemma’s side “Not without me you aren’t.”

Alex looked at Emily, and Emily looked into Alex’s eyes. The two both nodded, and then Alex walked inside with Emily following

Emily smiled, and she looked at Splash, who was following her, got her ball, and called plash back into it. “We should heal our Pokemon first before we go exploring. There might be a wild Pokemon here that could harm us.”

Gemma smiled “Good thinking,” she pointed to the desk that was at a distance from the group and then looked at Zero “Could you take all of our Pokemon over to the Healing Table thingy and heal then to full heath please?”

Zero smiled, walked over to Emily, then looked over at Spark, and said to him “Spark, come over here. Don’t you want full health?”
Spark smiled “Okay, okay, let’s wait for Flame first okay Zero?”
Zero sighed, and looked at Splash “Okay then.”

Emily frowned “Alex, let Flame out of his ball, the Pokemon are waiting for him.”

Alex reached into his pocket, and grabbed Flame’s Pokeball “Come on out Flame.” And Flame came out of the Pokeball, and the fire lizard Pokemon looked at its tail to see if was burning out.

Emily smiled, and called the Pokeball over by waving her hand, signaling for the Pokemon to follow her. Splash already was following her as she was walking, and Flame smiled at Spark before the two followed, and Zero followed behind silently.

Alex looked over at Luke as he sat down, and while he did this he took an apple out of his jacket pocket and scanned it over “So, how you doing Luke?”

Luke stared at Alex, completely ignoring Gemma, and he tilted his head, replying with a smile “What are you up to Alex?”

Alex snickered with a smile “Absolutely nothing. You know it is usually Gemma tricking other people into doing things.”

Luke sat down, and smiled “Yeah, I know that.”

Gemma went down the hallway, and once more, she heard a small squeak. She looked back behind her, and saw Emily healing their Pokemon and Alex and Luke chatting away. She looked into the empty hallway. Even though the lights were on, she could feel that something was wrong at this place. She could feel it in her gut.

Emily glanced over to the hallway, and she saw Gemma peering into it, as if she was searching for something.

Emily smiled, and waved, saying “Gemma, come over here. Zero is fine now.”

Gemma lost her train of thought when she heard Emily speak.

Gemma looked behind her, and saw Zero next to Emily, waiting for her to come over.

“I’m coming.” Gemma said as she turned around. She walked to the counter, and looked down at zero, with a big smile on her face.

Zero jumped up Gemma’s arms, and snuggled into her chest, and Zero let out a happy “Eeev!”

Alex heard Gemma, Zero, and Emily, and then got up.

Alex looked at Luke “We aren’t finished this conversation yet Luke.” And he got up, and walked over to Gemma and Emily.

Luke rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders, and got up and went over to the group, asking “Are our Pokemon healed now?”

Emily smiled, and scanned each of her friends while she lifted Splash onto her head “Yep, I finally figured it out, and now they are all healthy.”

Luke grinned when he saw Spark, and then Spark went in front of Luke looking as if he was ready for anything. Alex searched for Flame; he looked behind the counter and under it.

Alex scratched his head, and frowned “Where is Flame?”

Emily shrugged “He was just here a second ago.”

Alex’s eyes widened “Where did he -----“

Alex was interrupted when he heard a blood-curdling scream come from somewhere below them.

Alex shook with fear “Where is Flame!”

What mysteries does this place hold? Where did Flame go? What is making that squeaking noise? Find out next time!

[Snivyhero]

Chapter 3 is finally here! Enjoy, and leave comments and tips. It helps.

Chapter 4 ~ Starting the Plan

Emily tried to smile to comfort Alex “I’m sure Flame is close by Alex. Don’t worry, he’s safe.”

Alex eyes were wide with worry and fear, and his eyes scanned the area, trying to see if Flame was close by “How can I not worry Emily when we just all heard a bone shaking scream from down below! Flame could be in danger at this very moment, and you’re telling me that everything is okay?!”

Alex started pacing, then he stopped when he heard something “What was that?!”
Gemma looked at Emma and Luke, who were chatting with Alex.

Luke grinned “It’s nothing Alex, Flame may be playing.”

Gemma stared at her friends, and said “Guys, be quiet! Let me listen!”

Alex, Luke, and Emily stared at each other, then at Gemma, and they kept silent as Gemma listened.

Gemma stayed quiet, and focused. A loud squeak came from the hallway.

Gemma stared at the lit hallway “There is a noise coming from the hallway.”

Alex started breathing rapidly “What if there is something dangerous here?! What if I never see Flame again?! What if -----“

Emily placed her hand gently over Alex’s mouth “Alex, the more you worry, the more you won’t be calm and mellow, and we all need to do so. So please Alex, just calm down.”

Alex stared at Emma’s face, and blinked, sighing “Okay---I----will---calm down----now.”

Emily smiled reassuringly “Good. Now catch your breath while the rest of us discuss how we can deal with the problem in hand. Is that okay Alex?”

Alex blinked once more, and nodded.

Emily smiled, and hugged Alex, and then she looked at Luke and Gemma “So exactly how are we going to handle this?”
Gemma sneered and glanced at her three friends “I already have devised a plan, if you haven’t guessed already.”

Luke rolled your eyes “Of course you have.”

Gemma snickered with a smile “Well, here it is. Zero and I will go into the hallway and check out that squeaking noise,” She looked at Luke “You and Spark will go to the back room and see if anything is wrong,” then she glanced at Alex and Emily “And Emily, you will stay here with Alex to see if Flame comes back and to help Alex calms down. Is everybody okay with the plan?” Gemma looked at her friends.

Luke looked down at Spark, who was sitting down trying to contain his excitement, and Luke nodded “Spark and I will be happy to.” Spark looked up at Luke, with a big grin on his face.

Alex and Emily looked at each other, and Emily said “Splash and I will make sure you’re happy and mellow, okay?”

Alex smiled “O-Kay” he stuttered, and he stared at Splash, who was snuggled up against his knee.

“Then it’s settled, I’ll go to the hallway with Zero, Luke and Spark will investigate the backroom, and Emily, Splash and Alex will stay here.”

Gemma stepped up to Luke, and put her hand out “Good luck, Luke.”

Luke smiled, grabbed Gemma’s hand, and did a firm hand shake “You too, Gemma.”

Gemma put her hand at her side, and called out “Zero, come here.” she said while looking at her Pokemon. Zero, who had wondered away a bit, looked at Gemma with a smile, and bounded over to her side.

“Let’s go.” Gemma said while walking toward the hallway with Zero. She looked behind her shoulder, and waved good-bye before stepping inside.

Luke smiled, and looked at Emily and Alex “See you later. Come on Spark.” Luke looked below him, and didn’t see Spark?”

“Spark, where’d you go?” then Luke heard “Shinx, Shinx.” and looked over to the entrance to the backroom.

Luke smiled and rushed over to him “Don’t sneak away like that ever again Spark. I was afraid that you disappeared like Flame.” Luke said while lifting Spark into his arms. Spark just looked at the entrance, then at Luke, as if he couldn’t wait to go inside. Luke smiled, and ran inside the backroom.

Emily smiled, and waved “Bye Luke! Break a leg!”

Alex snickered, and said after Emily “Not literally though!”

Emily glared at Alex, then rolled her eyes “Really? ‘Not literally’, that’s all you could come up with Alex?”

Alex smiled, picked up Splash, and sat down on a couch “Why, can you come up with something better than that?”

Emily grinned, and shuffled her feet “I could have and I can, but not right now, we are kind of busy at the moment.”

Alex rolled his eyes “You told me to be calm; well I’m being calm, if you haven’t noticed.”

Emily said “Well braniac, if you’re so smart, why don’t you just find Flame already with your trusty Pokeball and brain.”

Alex shook his head and rolled his eyes “Emily, sometimes I think you just make no sense what so ever.”

Emily chuckled as she sat next to Alex “Look who’s talking.”

Alex looked into Emily’s eyes “Did you know that you are so pretty Emily?”

Emily sighed “Stop flirting and ask me what you actually want to ask me already.”

Alex frowned and muttered “I actually think you’re pretty.”

Emily blinked “Well, are you going to tell me or what?”

Splash looked up at Emily, then Alex, and sighed, trying to decide if Alex had a crush on her trainer Emily.

Alex shook his head, focusing “Okay, okay, I will.” he went closer to Emily, and looked even deeper into her eyes “What’s your backstory Emily? I never even knew you before all of us became friends, so, will you tell me?”

Splash stared at Alex, and shook her head, thinking ‘What is Alex up to here? And why does he want to know my Emily’s backstory all of a sudden?’

Like Splash thought, what does Alex think he is doing? What is going on with Gemma and Zero, same with Luke and Spark? Will they find both noises? Will Alex be reunited with Flame? Find out next time in Chapter 4!

[Vern]

Started on Chapter 3 since the previous two chapters were already critiqued.

Chapter 3 & 4

First off, I’d like to congratulate you for beginning to write your first fanfiction. As a tip that all beginners should follow, it’s best not to list who your characters are and put a description of their physical appearance and their personality (you didn’t do the latter but I felt that I should include it anyway) and yeah. It gives the feeling that you aren’t able to properly fit traits about them in your story. Expected as this is your first story (I assume in general) but it’s something to look out for. I’m going to actually skip going through your first few chapters. Not because I won’t read them (I will) but because they’ve already been gone over by a few different people and you’ve moved on and fixed what needed to be fixed.

Onwards now.

Like others have previously mentioned, your grammar is pretty good. Everything seems fine in the English-language department so there are no complaints there. There are some slip-ups I guess but that’s nothing a beta couldn’t fix or re-reading it the day after to finish writing a chapter. This seems to be one of those stories that could go either way in my opinion: a little bit more and it can be very well written and enjoyable pending the plot or a little less can make it a chore to read. It reads like a script more than an actual story though in the traditional sense. Whether or not that is intentional I don’t know so I can’t say if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

The dialogue doesn’t feel stiff outside an awkward line or two so good job there. The one thing that I can definitely say that disappoints me in this story is the lack of description of the setting and actions by the characters. Like I previously stated, it’s like reading a script but it doesn’t seem like this is how you want your story to be written judging by the battle and some scenes in the later chapters. It’s the one thing really keeping your story back from being a decent first story. More description could also help clear some things out for the reader since it feels like they’re roleplaying in a chat or something. The plot itself is also something I want to talk about for just a second. It doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Each chapter feels like a one minute scene where a lot of talking goes on but the characters don’t get much done. Feel that I can adequately describe them as such:

Chapter 01 - Emily and Gemma have a battle
Chapter 02 - The gang arrives at the Pokemon Center
Chapter 03 - The gang discovers that something is wrong in the Pokemon Center
Chapter 04 - The gang decides to discover what’s wrong

While these can have loads of events happening, not much is happening. To reiterate, the two weaknesses are the lack of description and a slow plot. Both rather easy to fix though so no worries.

[Snivyhero]

Okay, thanks. Those are like my starting chapters, so yes, they are a bit short, but now I have gotten to where I wanted, so it will probably be more descriptive. In fact, I have already planned ending(I know that isn't good, but it helps me move to the ending), so expect it to be more descriptive. Sorry if it sounds like a script, I will make it better. Yes, this my first official FanFiction, the rest had a chapter then they were done by inactivity. Thank you for noting me on that, and expect big things in the future.

[Vern]

In fact, I have already planned ending(I know that isn't good, but it helps me move to the ending),

Actually, it's recommended to plan your ending first. That way you'll be able to set things up better earlier in the story.

[Snivyhero]

Oh, okay, thanks(I always plan my endings first thing) And thanks for telling me to be more descriptive, it helps!

[Snivyhero]

Chapter 5 ~ Problems

Gemma searched around the lit hallway. She looked up, and saw one of the lights flickering, its life edging away.

Gemma looked down at Zero, who was scanning the area, and smiled “I guess somebody forgot to change the light bulb.”

Zero looked up at Gemma with a serious look, widened eyes, and stared into her green eyes.

Gemma tilted her head “What’s wrong Zero? Is something bugging you?”

Zero nodded his head before walking ahead of Gemma into the hallway. Zero stopped, turned around, and looked at Gemma. He looked at the two rooms beside her. The left one had its light on, however, the other, was dark, as if it were hiding something.

Gemma stared at Zero, trying to figure out what he was doing “Zero knock it off, nothing is wrong. We just came here to see what was making that squeaking ----“

A soft squeak echoed in the hallway, bouncing along the walls till it hit Gemma and Zero’s ears.

Zero shifted his head to the direction of the dark room. He stared at it. Slowly, he crept towards it, as if it was hiding a terrible monster that would be everything he was afraid of.

Gemma sighed, shrugged her shoulders, and said “Zero, it was just a little noise, so knock it off---“

Suddenly, everything went black. All Gemma could see were shadows that lingered everywhere. She waved her hands around, trying to see if she could feel something.

Zero was almost at the door. He was low to the wooden floor, his belly closer to the floor than a snake’s. The floor creaked and moaned under his weight.

Gemma stopped waving her arms around since she heard something. She stood still as she tried to identify what she was hearing. All she heard was creaking, as if somebody, or something, was walking on the floor. She blinked, but she still saw a dark abyss. Gemma said in a voice that was like a little girl crying for her mother “Zero, are you here.”

Zero, looked behind his shoulder, and saw Gemma staying absolutely still. He shrugged his shoulders, turned around, and went towards her “Eevee!”

Gemma’s heart beat slowed down when she heard Zero’s voice “Zero, help me!”

Zero went up to Gemma, and snuggled up to her leg “Eevee?”

“Zero, I can’t see a darn thing. Can you?” Gemma’s eyes widened with worry.

Zero was flustered. How could Gemma not see? The hallway was very bright; in fact, it could almost hurt their eyes if they didn’t blink. So Zero looked up at Gemma, and said “Eev, Eevee.”

Gemma sighed “If only I could understand Pokémon. Zero, can you lead me around. I can feel your fur brushing against my leg and I can hear you, so will you guide me?”

Zero frowned, and brushed against Gemma’s leg, wondering if this was some sick joke.

Gemma smiled “I’ll take that as yes.”


Luke poked his head in the room before stepping inside. Spark smiled and he ran in without thinking.

Luke’s eyes widened as Spark ran in, and he said “Spark, don’t run inside, you don’t know what could be in here!”

Spark looked at Luke with a smile on his face, like he wanted to see what was in here.

Luke rolled his eyes as he stepped inside “Stop being a goofball and help me investigate.”

Spark’s head hanged and he sighed. Then Spark picked his head up and trotted towards Luke.

Luke smiled, bent down, and rubbed the top of Spark’s head “Now come on, let’s go buddy.”

Spark smiled, and then he moved out of range of Luke. Spark stuck his head out into the still air, and tried to see if he could smell anything out of the ordinary.

Luke tilted his head and shrugged his shoulders “You have a very good sense of smell, Spark.”

Spark ignored what Luke just said. Suddenly, an abnormal scent drifted past Spark’s nose. Spark tilted his head “Shinx?”

Luke looked at Spark “Did you smell something Spark?”

Spark nodded before sticking his head out again to see if he could smell it again. As mysteriously as it came, it was gone.

Luke looked up onto the white ceiling, and saw a fan going in circles “It probably came from the vent.” Luke said to Spark.

Spark sighed, and turned around. Spark rolled his eyes. Suddenly, a pair of dark eyes appeared right behind Luke’s shoulder. Spark dashed toward the evil looking eyes. Suddenly, they disappeared, and Spark slammed into the wall.

Luke rolled his eyes “Stop it Spark before you hurt yourself. How come you were so happy earlier and now you are acting like something is strange?”

Spark sighed, and he decided he was hallucinating. Spark shook his head, and he looked around. Everything was all blurry. The walls were fuzzy like when a TV screen loses connection, the wooden floor was all swirly, the ceiling looked distorted, and when Spark looked at Luke, he could barely see him.

Luke frowned “It is okay Spark, I got you.” Luke bent down, wrapped his arms around his Pokémon, and lifted him up. Luke held Spark as if he was helpless baby. Luke cradled Luke for a while, rocking him back and forth.

Then, an evil chuckle echoed in the room, ringing in Luke’s ears. Luke put Spark down, gently, onto the floor. Then Luke reached behind his back, and he brought his white and light green splattered backpack in front of himself.

“Come on, come on. I know I have a Lum Berry in here somewhere.” Luke mumbled as he reached his hand into his backpack. Luke’s hand kept going back and forth while it was in the backpack, searching for the berries. Once Luke had grabbed a handful of something, he brought his hand out.

“Yes! I knew I had one!” Luke’s eyes were full of achievement as he pulled a berry out of the pile, that was green, that apparently was a Lum Berry. Luke took the Lum Berry, and went towards Spark. He looked at the berry, and then glanced at Spark.

Luke sighed, and crossed his fingers, that were in the opposite hand of the Lum Berry “I sure hope this works.” And Luke put the berry in Spark’s mouth.


Will Gemma be okay? Is something going on with Alex and Emily? Will Spark be okay? To be continued!

[Vern]

Chapter 05

“Zero, are you here.”

Fairly evident.

Zero, I can’t see a darn thing

While your attempt to avoid swearing is commendable, using words like “darn” and “curses” in the wrong situation can lower the dramatic tension of the story. In this case, the word choice did that. The situation is set up to maximize the drama (I’m getting redundant) (“Gemma’s heart beat slowed down when she heard Zero’s voice “Zero, help me!” or “All she heard was creaking, as if somebody, or something, was walking on the floor.” or “Suddenly, everything went black. All Gemma could see were shadows that lingered everywhere.”). We want to know what’s happening, who’s there? The characters are getting nervous and scared so it’d be natural to assume that they’d lose a little bit of themselves in the process.

In this case, using darn takes the reader out of it for just a bit because, let’s be quite frank, the amount of people who will read this story will already know some swear words. By the way, I don’t think that someone would be able to see shadows when a room goes completely black.

Spark’s head hanged

This sentence is a little awkward. You could rephrase it as “Spark hung his head and sighed.”

As mysteriously as it came, it was gone.

Instead of using “mysteriously,” I’d suggest using “suddenly.” It’d fit better since what you’re trying to get through here is that the smell came and went quickly.

Luke rolled his eyes “Stop it Spark before you hurt yourself. How come you were so happy earlier and now you are acting like something is strange?”

The second part of the quotation reads a little robot-y if you catch my drift especially when he’s asking his beloved Pokemon if he’s okay.

Luke cradled Luke for a while

You mean Spark.

he pulled a berry out of the pile, that was green, that apparently was a Lum Berry.

Get rid of the “that apparently” since this is part of the narration. Unless we have evidence suggests that the narrator is unreliable, we can trust that the apparent Lum Berry is actually that berry.

Now, I like that you’ve started to use more description but it still fells a little bare-bones to me. You’re detailing their actions just fine but you can also describe their emotions and the setting as well. It kind of reads like a script with all of the spacing between the lines as well.

A huge suggestion that I’d give, in your case, is that you take a day off after completing a chapter and do other stuff. It takes your mind of your writing and such. After a day, go back to it and re-read it since you can catch some of the simpler mistakes like using the wrong name and simple grammar mistakes.

[Snivyhero]

Okay. thanks, and I will work on that. Now that school is over, I will that break story thing like you said. And about the 'Luke holding Luke' part, I thought I fixed that, but apparently I didn't. And that's a swear?

[Vern]

It's not a swear but I assumed you used it to in place of a more intense word like "damn" or "****ing." A lot of times, words like "darn" are very childish so I think it's just better to omit it especially in tense situations. Writing "Zero, I can’t see a thing" fits just as well.