Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 31

Thread: The Adventures of Violet Wolf (The Korrova Region)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default The Adventures of Violet Wolf (The Korrova Region)

    This is a story told of a girl found unconscious near a temple with no knowledge of who she is and where she's from. Discovered by a pokémon professor, Ian Quest, and his pokémon partner, Alakazam, the girl is named Violet for the peculiar color of her eyes.

    Join Violet as she journeys to find not only the origins of her existence, but also the existence of the world of pokémon and humanity itself.

    This story contains fictional pokémon, people, places, and theories. Anything not concocted from my imagination belongs to its respectful owners.

    Rated T

    PS: The previous thread of this has been closed because I have unintentionally broken a rule. I hope I'm not breaking another one reposting this thread, because I do want to share the story I have in mind.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 22nd July 2014 at 11:26 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default

    CHAPTER 01:

    Ian grunted as another bump on the road caused his van to jerk upwards, making himself, his partner, Alakazam, and the important equipment in the vehicle to shuffle out of place. He heard Alakazam grunt in irritation as well. “Sorry, Alakazam,” Ian apologized. “PHF wanted me to come to this location ASAP. It must be really important if it made them ignore the fact that there’s a storm outside.”

    As the van trekked deeper into the dark forest, Ian switched the headlights to their highest as the trees started to block out the moonlight. It was almost pitch black outside. Rain drops were drumming hard on the van’s roof. “Alakazam,” Ian called out. “I can’t take my eyes off the road right now. Can you look at the screen and tell me if we’re almost there?”

    Alakazam leaned forward from the backseat and peered into the screen on the dashboard. The screen was in a form of radar. The blue dot represented the van and their destination was represented by a red one. As the blue dot became closer to the red dot, yellow dots became to form around the red dot, incasing the red one in a protective shield. “Alaka!” Alalazam spouted.

    Ian turned to Alakazam for a second but then quickly turned back to the road. “What is it, Alakazam?”

    “Alaka!” Alakazam pointed to the screen in alarm.

    Ian bit his lip and resisted the urge to follow his partner’s finger. “Sometimes I wish I could understand what you’re saying,” Ian confessed. “I can’t turn away from the road, but I can’t stop either. Who knows what will come to us if we—woah!”

    A flash of something tall and yellow stood in the middle of the narrow path, glaring at them with violet eyes. Ian slammed the brakes hard with his foot and managed to stop the van before it hit the yellow figure. Ian squinted his eyes and saw that it was a Hypno. “What the?” Ian rolled down his window and stuck his head out. “Umm, excuse me, Hypno,” Ian called out. “Will you please move aside? We are in a big hurry to our destination up ahead.”

    The Hypno said nothing, and Ian thought it didn’t hear or understand his request. But then a violet force surrounded the van, and the van started to be pushed back. Ian wailed as the van was shoved backwards, and then wailed again as the van was shoved forward. He turned behind him to see Alakazam’s eyes and spoons glowing white, her white energy surrounding the van.

    Violet and white light clashed outside the van as the two psychic Pokémon struggled for dominance. Ian closed his eyes and covered his hand with his mouth. He wanted to yell at them, but his nausea silenced him.

    “Go away”

    Ian’s eyes snapped open and he looked around for the source of the voice. It was deep, firm, and unfamiliar. Ian wanted to ask who spoke, but bile continued to threaten to escape. Thankfully, the shaking of the van eventually stopped, and Ian managed to place a hand on the steering wheel to stop his head from spinning. “Alaka,” he heard Alakazam call out.

    “We are the guardians of this temple,” the voice replied. “No one is allowed inside the temple grounds.”

    When the spinning in Ian’s head subsided to a tolerable level, Ian swallowed his bile disdainfully and peered ahead. Beside the Hypno, who was now calmer but still vigilant, was a Lucario with a similar expression. “A-are you speaking to us telepathically?” Ian managed to ask.

    “Yes,” the Lucario confirmed. “Now I will not ask again. Leave the temple grounds now or face severe consequences.”

    “Alaka!” Alakazam protested.

    “Then what is your business here?” the Lucario asked.

    Ian hesitantly exited the vehicle, alarming Alakazam to follow protectively behind him. The Lucario and Hypno stood their ground, and Ian and Alakazam felt other eyes watching them.

    Both Ian and Alakazam gulped. “My name is Ian Quest, and this is my partner, Alakazam,” Ian introduced. “We are a part of the Pokémon and Human Federation, or PHF for short. We are in charge of maintaining peace between Pokémon and humans around the world. We have been informed that there has been a disturbance in this part of the forest and have been sent to investigate.”

    Lucario glared at them. “And what is it that you plan on doing about the disturbance?” Lucario questioned dubiously.

    Ian raised his hands defensively. “It really depends on the situation,” Ian explained, “but I promise you, we are here to help you, not harm you.”

    Lucario walked closer to Ian and Alakazam and eyed them closely. Ian and Alakazam stiffened at Lucario’s gaze, which seemed to stare right through them. Finally, after what seemed like three suspenseful hours, Lucario stepped back. “We have a girl here that is in critical condition,” Lucario explained. “She doesn’t have much time left. We’re doing what we can to help her, but nothing we do seem to be enough. Can you help us?”

    Ian straightened his posture. “Of course!” he proclaimed. “Where is she? We can take her inside my van and I’ll rush her to the nearest hospital!”

    Lucario’s eyes widened. “No!” he forbade. “No one must know who she is!”

    “What?” Ian blinked, startled by his loud outburst. “But why?”

    “I cannot tell you,” Lucario explained fastidiously. “But if you really want to help us, you must understand and help her without the knowledge of other people and Pokémon.”

    Not letting other people know was confusing but a bit understandable, but Pokémon too?—Ian thought. But then he remembered there was a girl in critical condition, and dismissed his questions for later. “Okay!” Ian consented. “Where's the girl?”

    “We cannot leave her alone with you,” Lucario stated. “If you are taking her away from here, I have to accompany you.”

    “Okay, okay!” Ian nodded hurriedly. “Just bring the girl to us! We’ll help her!”

    When lightning struck from the dark stormy clouds above, Ian could see a little girl being carried to them by a violet psychic force. She had short black hair, a white dress, and no shoes. She was very skinny, and if Ian didn’t see her frail body quiver, he’d assume she was already dead. Quickly, Ian rushed back to his van and opened his side door. “Quick! In here!” he instructed.

    The girl was carefully placed inside the van with Lucario quickly following her inside. Alakazam opened the side door from the other side and entered the van from there. Ian quickly hopped into the driver’s seat and shivered when he realized how wet and cold he was. He pressed buttons on his screen to navigate his way back to his lab and latched on his seatbelt. “Everyone hold on,” he said, and everyone braced themselves as the van jerked backwards, around, and towards the opposite direction. From the rear-view mirror, Ian saw Lucario holding the girl gently in his arms.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 4th September 2014 at 2:43 AM.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 02

    After driving for half an hour, Ian beamed when he caught a glimpse of his lab between the trees. “Since you don’t want a hospital, she can stay at my lab for now,” Ian informed Lucario. “One of my friends is a really good doctor. Can she know who the girl is? She could be her last option.”

    “I must first see if her aura is pure,” Lucario told him from the backseat. “If she is pure at heart, she may see the girl.”

    “Aura?” Ian repeated.

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “I can sense people’s auras and see if their intentions are good. That is how I came to trust the two of you. If I saw that the two of you are unfit, I would not have allowed you to take the girl away from the temple.”

    Ian gave him a look through the rear-view mirror. “What is it about this girl that makes her so special?” Ian couldn’t help but ask. “And why was she in the temple dying in the first place?”

    “That I cannot reveal,” Lucario replied. “It is not my place to speak of the girl’s identity. My only duty is to protect her.”

    “Duty?” Ian repeated. “Who appointed you to be her guardian?”

    “I cannot disclose that information either,” Lucario answered. “Now please stop asking these questions and drive faster. The girl doesn’t have much time.”

    Ian tsked. “Alright,” he complied in defeat. He didn't know anything about this girl and the strange circumstances she was in, but for some reason, he can’t help but trust Lucario and his empty reasoning. Also, familiar or not, he can't let this girl die. “I’m gonna call my friend,” Ian said as he pressed a button near his radar screen. “Call Lucy,” he commanded.

    At his request, a ringing tone resounded through the van about three times until it was broken by a woman’s voice. “Hello?”

    “Hey, Lucy,” Ian greeted. “This is Ian. I need your help.”

    The woman on the other end made a noise that sounded like a scoff. “You just moved into the region, and I don’t even get a ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you’? C’mon, Ian, when have you ever called just to say ‘hi’? Why do you only call me when you need something?”

    “This is not the time, Lucy,” Ian told her gravely. “I found a dying girl near the temple I was sent to investigate and I can’t take her to the hospital.”

    “What?” Lucy’s bewildered voice questioned. “But why? What’s her condition?”

    “I’m not sure,” Ian answered dejectedly. “Can you come over to my lab and help her? And tell no one, please.”

    “What?” Lucy repeated, even more baffled than before. “Why can’t I tell anyone, Ian? What’s happening?”

    “I’ll explain later,” Ian bit his lip when he felt Lucario’s stare at him. “Just meet me at the lab, please.”

    Everyone can hear Lucy’s grumble from the van’s speakers. “Fine,” she muttered. “I’ll be there in a few minutes. Bye, Ian.”

    “Bye,” Ian responded before pressing something on his steering wheel to end the conversation.

    “I still need to confirm that her aura is good enough to see the girl,” Lucario reminded. “Don’t think that I will allow just any doctor to see the girl, even if you are in love with this one.”

    Ian jerked on the steering wheel, causing the van to jerk sideways with him. Ian fumbled to straighten the van on the road before he glared at Lucario. “Why would you say that?” he demanded, his cheeks red and hot. “I’m not in love with her!” he growled when Alakazam chuckled from the backseat.

    “I can tell when you’re lying,” Lucario informed. “And from the sound of this woman’s voice, I can tell she’s in love with you too.”

    Ian scoffed, almost bitterly. “She’s not in love with me,” he muttered almost dejectedly. “She’s married to another man.”

    “Then she is married to the wrong one,” Lucario pointed.

    A tight knot suddenly formed within Ian’s chest, but Ian pushed it aside when he saw a familiar turn on the road. “We’re here.”
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 6:33 PM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Wow, I am surprised that no one has commented on this amazing piece yet!
    Haha I was on a trip when I first read this. Thanks to the 5 hours of unendurable boredom in the car, I decided to read some of the Fanfics in Serebii, this, for some reason, caught my attention first.

    Now for the review itself:
    I see how you have ability to intermingle your wide range of extensive vocabulary with your remarkable methods of expressing yourself. Through these two chapters, I have learned quite a few useful, compelling words. Good job and hope you can get better.

    Story-wise, it is interesting and exciting as well. After reading your chapters, I can't wait to know the girl's true identity as well as her connection with Lucario. Lucario seems to be quite "untrusting" of others, as it can read others' auras. I hope that doesn't stand in the way of helping the girl recover. I am also curious about the connection between Ian and Lucy.

    Now for some mistakes I've noticed:
    1- Your fiction is majorly in the past tense, but there are still some descriptive sentences written in Present tense (excluding dialogues, of course)

    Some I've noticed are:

    Not letting other people know is confusing but a bit understandable, but pokémon too?—Ian thought. But then he remembered that there is a girl here that is in critical condition
    The screen is in a form of radar. The blue dot represents the van and their destination is represented by a red one.
    I think there are still more of them I didn't notice. Shouldn't the "is" be changed into "was" considering majority of the story has already happened?

    Rain drops are drumming hard on the van’s roof.
    Same case here, shouldn't the "are" be changed into "were"?

    2- Not really a "mistake" or anything, but I notice that your chapters are slightly shorter than that of other fics around here. Not saying you are flawed, but just a recommendation for you to attempt to elongate your chapters. I know you have the potential to do it. Keep it up.

    I am sure there are other mistakes I didn't notice, I think there might also be some flaws in my corrections above, as English is not my native tongue. I apologise for that. But overall this fiction is interesting and well-written (up to this point, at least). Keep up the good work.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 10th June 2014 at 5:02 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default

    Hello, Razor Wind!
    I'm glad to see you liked my story. I thank you for the pointers and appreciate your input!
    I apologize for not replying sooner. I haven't had access to a computer in a while.

    I want to clear up any confusion by saying that timeline of this story is set on the present. I didn't intend the story to be a reminiscing narrative, because I want the readers to "be with" the characters as they read their stories. That is why I used "is" instead of "was". I want to use an active voice instead of the passive voice.

    I appreciate your input, nevertheless! If my writing style is misleading, I'm more than happy to learn from readers that care enough to help a fellow writer out! I'll continue to work on my writing and post the next chapter soon. Until then, thank you, and I hope to hear again from you soon!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,745

    Default

    This looks like an intriguing story. Let's have at it, shall we?

    Quote Originally Posted by ChewieJ View Post
    CHAPTER 01:

    Ian grunted as another bump on the road caused his van to jerk upwards, making himself, his partner, Alakazam, and the important equipment in the vehicle to shuffle out of place. He could hear Alakazam grunt in irritation as well. “Sorry, Alakazam,” Ian apologized. “PHF wanted me to come to this location ASAP. It must be really important if it made them ignore the fact that there’s a storm outside.”
    Relatively strong when it comes to opening paragraphs. You could do with a little bit more description - ie: what do Ian and Alakazam look like? Is there anything immediately distinguishing about them? And what is PHF? - but it still carries enough detail to function.

    As the van trekked deeper into the dark forest, Ian switched the headlights to their highest as the trees started to block out the moonlight. It’s almost pitch black outside. Rain drops are drumming hard on the van’s roof. “Alakazam,” Ian called out. “I can’t take my eyes off the road right now. Can you look at the screen and tell me if we’re almost there?"

    Alakazam leaned forward from the backseat and peered into the screen on the dashboard. The screen is in a form of radar. The blue dot represents the van and their destination is represented by a red one. As the blue dot became closer to the red dot, yellow dots became to form around the red dot, as if incasing the red one in a protective shield. “Alaka!” Alalazam spouted.
    First, I'll raise one issue that comes up. You have a bit of inconsistency when it comes to tenses. This means that your opening paragraph was in past tense ("caused", "apologized," etc) while these next two use present tense ("it's almost pitch black," "rain drops are drumming hard", "the screen is in a form of radar," etc). This is an easily fixed issue, so don't worry too much about it.

    That said, while I do think I would have liked a bit stronger establishment of Ian and Alakazam first, I'm liking what I see of their characters so far. It appears that they have a good bond and work together well, which is important when it comes to what sounds like a nature preservation organization.

    Ian turned to Alakazam for a second but then quickly turned back to the road. “What is it, Alakazam?”

    “Alaka!” Alakazam pointed to the screen in alarm.

    Ian bit his lip and resisted the urge to follow his partner’s finger. “Sometimes I wish I could understand what you’re saying,” Ian confessed. “I can’t turn away from the road, but I can’t stop either. Who knows what will come to us if we—woah!”
    I can actually tell a lot about them from this. Alakazam appears to be a cautious type, while Ian is a bit reckless. They get along well, but would benefit from a better understanding between each other. Am I correct?

    A flash of something tall and yellow stood in the middle of the narrow path, glaring at them with violet eyes. Ian slammed the breaks hard with his foot and managed to stop the van before it hit the yellow figure. Ian squinted his eyes to see that it’s a Hypno. “What the?” Ian rolled down his window and stuck his head out. “Umm, excuse me, Hypno,” Ian called out. “Will you please move aside? We are in a big hurry to our destination up ahead.”
    "brakes," not "breaks."

    The Hypno said nothing, and Ian thought it didn’t hear or understand his request. But then a violet force surrounded the van, and the van started to be pushed back. Ian wailed as the van was shoved backwards, and then wailed again as the van was shoved forward. He turned behind him to see Alakazam’s eyes and spoons glowing white, as well as his white energy surrounding the van.

    Violet and white light clashed outside the van as the two psychic Pokémon struggled for dominance. Ian closed his eyes and covered his hand with his mouth, keeping bile from escaping his lips. He wanted to yell at them to stop, but his nausea rose to the point that it silenced him.
    Quite a nice visual. It's not often I see two Psychic-type Pokemon really matching against each other like this. I bet Hypno has a good motive for doing this, too.

    “Go away”

    Ian’s eyes snapped open and he looked around for the source of the voice. It was deep, firm, and unfamiliar. Ian wanted to ask who spoke, but bile continued to threaten to escape. Thankfully, the shaking of the van eventually stopped, and Ian managed to place a hand on the steering wheel to stop the spinning in his head. “Alaka,” he heard Alakazam call out.
    Ooh, psychic communication, I like it. Nice and mysterious. A little sudden, but I can't really complain. Your pacing is fast, but that's perfectly fine.

    “We are the guardians of this temple,” the voice replied. “No one is allowed inside the temple grounds.”

    When the spinning in Ian’s head subsided to a tolerable level, Ian swallowed his bile disdainfully and peered ahead. Beside the Hypno, who is now calmer but still vigilant, is a Lucario with a similar expression. “A-are you speaking to us telepathically?” Ian managed to ask.

    “Yes,” the Lucario confirmed. “Now I will not ask again. Leave the temple grounds now or face severe consequences.”
    A Hypno and a Lucario as temple guards... interesting. The Lucario in a mystic setting is a choice that I'm familiar with, but the Hypno is surprising to be there. They make a good combination.

    The note of disdain in Ian's attitude intrigues me. He definitely seems to get along with Pokemon, but he doesn't have the best patience either, judging from this. It's an interesting sort of contradiction.

    I wonder what they're guarding.

    “Alaka!” Alakazam protested, probably assuring them that they mean no harm.
    A note: while it made sense to simply use Alakazam saying his name when he was speaking to Ian, now that he is speaking to other Pokemon, it's probably better to reveal his actual lines as well, like Lucario's and Hypno's are. It's a little awkward to go from Lucario and Hypno speaking to saying the idea of what Alakazam "probably" meant.

    “Then what is your business here?” the Lucario asked.

    Ian hesitantly exited the vehicle, alarming Alakazam to follow protectively behind him. The Lucario and Hypno stood their ground, and Ian and Alakazam can feel other eyes watching them admonishingly.

    Both Ian and Alakazam gulped. “My name is Ian Quest, and this is my partner, Alakazam,” Ian introduced. “We are a part of the Pokémon and Human Federation, or PHF for short. We are in charge of maintaining peace between Pokémon and humans around the world. We have been informed that there has been a disturbance in this part of the forest and have been sent to investigate.”
    Ah, so I assume PHF is something similar to what Pokemon Rangers do. Interesting.

    My advice here is to slow down a little. Nothing is actually wrong here, and you're delivering all the necessary information at an appropriate time. What I mean is that you should flesh out the description more. Wasn't it raining, for example? Talk a little bit about Ian going out into the storm and how that affects him. Give us some looks at how feels about the situation he's in, too. It can be tricky to start, but once you get the hang of writing those things, you'll find that you can make your story much more immersive for the readers.

    Lucario glared at them. “And what is it that you plan on doing about the disturbance?” Lucario questioned dubiously.
    Did you close the italics tag prematurely here?

    Ian raised both his hands defensively. “It really depends on the situation,” Ian explained, “but I promise you, we are here to help you, not harm you.”
    This note about Ian raising his hands defensively is a good example of what I meant to communicate his thoughts and personality more.

    Lucario walked closer to Ian and Alakazam and eyed them closely. Ian and Alakazam stiffened at Lucario’s gaze, which seems to stare right through them. Finally, after what seemed like three suspenseful hours, Lucario stepped back. “We have a girl here that is in critical condition,” Lucario explained. “She doesn’t have much time left. We’re doing what we can to help her, but nothing we do seem to be enough. Can you help us?”
    Lucario seems a bit... fluent in human language, I guess I'd put it? What I mean is that he is speaking like an ordinary human in terms of word choice. I think it would feel a little more natural if he spoke in a less human manner, such as "We have a female who is near death. She will not live for long and we aren't able to help her."

    Ian straightened his posture. “Of course!” he proclaimed. “Where is she? We can take her inside my van and I’ll rush her to the nearest hospital!”

    Lucario’s eyes widened. “No!” he forbade. “No one must know who she is!”
    I'm intrigued by the seeming contradiction in how Lucario approaches the subject of the girl. He was very enthusiastic about getting help from an unfamiliar human, but immediately switched to forbidding anyone else finding out about her.

    “What?” Ian blinked, startled by his loud outburst. “But why?”

    “I cannot tell you,” Lucario explained fastidiously. “But if you really want to help us, you must understand and help her without the knowledge of other people and pokémon.”
    Quite an unusual case. It makes me wonder why Lucario is so readily trusting Ian. Desperation?

    Not letting other people know is confusing but a bit understandable, but pokémon too?—Ian thought. But then he remembered that there is a girl here that is in critical condition, and dismissed his questions for later. “Okay!” Ian consented. “Where is the girl?”

    “We cannot leave her alone with you,” Lucario stated. “If you are taking her away from here, I have to accompany you.”
    That makes sense. I didn't think Lucario would be trusting him so much.

    “Okay, okay!” Ian nodded hurriedly. “Just bring the girl to us! We’ll help her!”

    When lightning struck from the dark stormy clouds above, Ian could see a little girl being carried to them by a violet psychic force. She has short black hair, a white dress, and no shoes. She’s very skinny, and if Ian didn’t see her frail body quiver, he’d assume from her pale skin that she’s dead. Quickly, Ian rushed back to his van and opened his side door. “Quick! In here!” he instructed.

    The girl was carefully placed inside the van with Lucario quickly following her inside. Seeing this, Alakazam opened the side door from the other side and entered the van from there. Ian quickly hopped into the driver’s seat and shivered when he realized how wet and cold he was. He pressed buttons on his screen to navigate his way back to his lab and latched on his seatbelt. “Everyone hold on,” he said, and everyone braced themselves as the van jerked backwards, around, and towards the opposite direction. From the rear-view mirror, Ian could see Lucario holding the girl gently in his arms.
    I know I keep saying this word, and I apologize for the repetition, but once again it is very intriguing. You've got the appearance and mystery of a lost, possibly feral or supernatural girl down well. The concern Lucario is showing for her is compelling, and I wonder why he is so affectionate to her.

    At the end of the chapter I'm left asking myself, where did the girl come from? Why is Lucario caring for her? What's her background that makes it necessary to hide her from others? Now, these questions are good things. Your story is solid enough to make me want to ask these questions, which means I care about what is going on. That's very good.

    My big tips right now are to step back and try to slow your pacing a little, which will allow you to give more vivid description; also, be a little more careful with your grammar and tenses. That said, it was a satisfying read.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 18: Winter of Discontent
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 1)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    Well, this is interesting so far! I like the immediacy here, how you start in res media and jump straight into the action. Like the psychic battle, especially the description of Ian's experience of it. The PHF is interesting. In opposition to what someone else said, I don't think you need to explain what it is before you reference it; Ian's mention of it shows his familiarity with it, but you chose a natural point for exposition; anywhere earlier would've felt unnatural. One thing, though, that seemed kind of strange, is that Ian explained to Alakazam in the van about the PHF wanting them out there right away. Wouldn't he have said this before they left? I'd like to see a physical description of Ian... I don't mind not seeing Pokemon described, especially the original 150, since most readers will be familiar with them... Most times I see Pokemon described in fanfics, it comes off pretty awkward... So I'd leave that, but I do need a picture of the human characters. Interested in the girl and her relationship to the Pokemon. Only, how old is she? I got the impression that she was around 7 or 8, but it wasn't specified, so I wasn't sure. One thing I was wondering: if Hypno and Lucario can communicate psychically with Ian, why can't Alakazam? Is that something you're going to address later on? I felt like this really could've been combined into one chapter, since neither the scene nor the action change... You did a good job of hinting that Ian and Lucy have feelings for each other.

    Ian scoffed, almost bitterly. “She’s not in love with me,” he muttered almost dejectedly. “She’s married to another man.”
    Wow! Did not see that one coming, though! That makes the relationship much more interesting.

    Like others have mentioned, you do switch between past and present tense. I get the impression that you're going for a sense of immediacy by using present tense, but that past is more natural for you. I'd go with past, as I really don't think anything's being added here by using present. You said that the story is happening in the present, but you don't need present tense to convey that. Readers will generally assume that whatever's happening in the story is in the present, anyway, because... Well, I'd have to think about the reasons, but... I think it has to do with the fact that the story has already been written by the time the reader gets to it, as opposed to unfolding as its written. Huh, that's interesting, could probably write a whole paper on how that works. But anyway, this is a story that focuses much more on plot than writing; the writing is sort of "invisible." Writing like that is a talent in itself, and I think this kind of story calls for that style. The progressive present (that is, describing things as they are happening now, as opposed to describing habitual action or a perpetual state of being) is pretty unusual in fiction, and by using it, you're calling unnecessary attention to the writing. It's actually kind of distracting, because it just doesn't feel natural.

    Also, I'd avoid using words like "confirmed," "protested," "stated," etc. instead of just "said." These are called "speech tags," and they just serve the purpose of telling you who's speaking. Most readers skip over "said," so it's ok to use it multiple times. Adding in a lot of different ones breaks up the flow of reading, and it just feels awkward. "Ask" and "reply" are fine, but... a good rule of thumb is to only use different ones when you need to convey how something's being said, and it's not clear from context. So, "mutter" and "whisper" and the lot are fine when you need them.

    Other than that, you're doing well. Look forward to seeing where this goes!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 03

    [A/N]:
    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.

    ---

    When the crew arrived at Ian’s lab, Lucario peered at the establishment he saw ahead. The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected diagonally by other buildings at each side. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a driveway leading to a large garage door.

    When the van stopped in front of the pathway, Lucario read “Pokémon and Human Federation, Laboratory 67” engraved on a rectangular stone. Carrying the girl gently in his arms, Lucario gracefully hopped out of the van and into the rain, which was softer in this part of town. “Hurry on to the awning at the front doors,” Ian instructed, looking at the white car parked beside his green van. “I gotta get some stuff,” he added as he opened the trunk. “Go with them, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam nodded and gestured Lucario to follow him to the double doors. Lucario followed quickly, but cautiously, as they neared the establishment. As they came closer, Lucario saw that the double doors and the garage doors were bigger than they seemed from far away. He also saw the rows of rectangular windows hanging far above the flower bushes, noting there were no windows on the first floor.

    When the two Pokémon made it under the awning, they looked back to see Ian running to them with a large laptop bag slung over his shoulder. “Lucy’s already inside,” Ian informed. “That’s her car parked next to my van.”

    When he joined them under the awning, Ian approached the electric box suspended next to the doors. He pushed certain buttons and pressed his hand against the glass censor until a click was heard from the doors. Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.

    Lucario saw white, lots of it. The walls and ceilings were white. The curving reception desk further into the room was white. The pillars holding the building together were white. The only white he didn’t see were the elevators near each side of the reception desk and the stairwells beside them, which were mostly gray, silver, and a slightly darkened shade of white. What was also not a plain shade of white was the woman sitting on the white couch to their left. The woman immediately stood at their entrance, allowing them to take in her appearance.

    She was a medium-sized woman, around 5’4 or 5’5, and had a lean figure that didn’t make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, a red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder, while her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”

    “Let her do her job,” Ian told him. “She’s a doctor. She knows what she’s doing.”

    “Thank you, Ian,” the woman gave him a quick smile before using the stethoscope. “Her heartbeat is slow,” she stated before standing up. “I can’t tell exactly what’s wrong without the proper equipment, but I can give her these.” She dove into her bag again and took out small bags, bottles, and cases with pills. “She also needs dry clothes."

    “I’ll be back,” Ian said before running off.

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.

    “Very well then,” she nodded before taking two bags filled with injection needles and tiny jars. She uncapped a needle and stuck it through the container’s top, absorbing the liquid inside. She sprayed some liquid out of the needle before taking the girl’s left bicep. Lucario’s eyes hardened as the needle penetrated the girl’s skin, injecting her with a questionable fluid. “If the girl has an infection, this fluid will eliminate the viruses,” the woman assured him.

    The woman wasted no time before claiming a bottle and a jar filled with capsules. She took a pill out of the jar and snapped the cap off the bottle. She held the girl’s head up and slipped the pill into her mouth. She tilted the bottle to her lips and tilted her head so she can swallow the liquid. “This will feed her if she’s is famished, dehydrated, or malnourished.”

    She returned the girl on her back on the couch and smiled. “We’ll wait a bit so the medicine can kick in,” she said while removing her jacket. “This will make her more comfortable,” she added as she folded her jacket and placed it under the girl’s head. She turned behind her. “Where’s Ian and those clothes?”

    “Here!” Ian called out as he exited from an elevator. “I got an old shirt, shorts, and a blanket.”

    “Thank you,” the woman took the clothes from his hands. “Now turn around so I can dress the girl.”

    Ian rolled his eyes and turned away. Alakazam didn’t need to turn away, but Lucario continued to watch because he wouldn’t allow himself not to. Despite the struggle to get the girl’s wet dress off of her, the woman managed to get the job done quickly. When Ian turned back around, the girl is back on the couch with his clothes covering her whole body. “She’s so small,” Ian commented.

    “Maybe you’re just too big,” the woman chuckled to him, causing Ian to roll his eyes once more.

    Lucario took the red blanket Ian brought and covered the girl from shoulder to toe. His gaze softened as the girl eventually stopped shivering, her breathing becoming steadier. The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 6:55 PM.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    No problem. That's sweet!

    Ok, what I like about this chapter: you did a really good job of showing Lucario's feelings for the girl. I especially like here:

    Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    and here:

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.
    and here:

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    These parts all show how much Lucario cares about the girl and how protective he is of her, but they also have a nice, subtle quality.

    You also did a great job on Lucy's introduction:

    Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    I can tell she's someone who looks out for other people, sort of maternal, and that she's energetic.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”
    She's also patient and understanding...

    The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    And she's intuitive, good at picking up on people's (or Pokemon's) feelings and attachments. I like how she's sensitive to Lucario's feelings without being obvious about it.

    The biggest problem I'm seeing right now is that you're going into a bit too much detail in places.

    The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.
    You could call it a "half-pentagon"... and you could also say how the other rectangular buildings were connected to the main structure. As it is, I had to stop and think about how it was all laid out, which took me out of the action of the story. You could mention earlier that they're in the driveway (like when they drive up), no need to mention that it's granite-- that's to be assumed. And then just say that the footpath led to the double doors.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    No problem. That's sweet!

    Ok, what I like about this chapter: you did a really good job of showing Lucario's feelings for the girl. I especially like here:

    Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    and here:

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.
    and here:

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    These parts all show how much Lucario cares about the girl and how protective he is of her, but they also have a nice, subtle quality.

    You also did a great job on Lucy's introduction:

    Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    I can tell she's someone who looks out for other people, sort of maternal, and that she's energetic.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”
    She's also patient and understanding...

    The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    And she's intuitive, good at picking up on people's (or Pokemon's) feelings and attachments. I like how she's sensitive to Lucario's feelings without being obvious about it.

    The biggest problem I'm seeing right now is that you're going into a bit too much detail in places.

    The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.
    You could call it a "half-pentagon"... and you could also say how the other rectangular buildings were connected to the main structure. As it is, I had to stop and think about how it was all laid out, which took me out of the action of the story. You could mention earlier that they're in the driveway (like when they drive up), no need to mention that it's granite-- that's to be assumed. And then just say that the footpath led to the double doors. I think there is a way to make the complete description of the building less awkward... but I think it might be better to cut some of it out. The basic question is, how much of that does the audience need to know? Which details are important to the story and to giving a sense of the place? It's important to give enough description for the audience to be able to come up with a picture, but nothing's lost if they don't picture it exactly the same as you did (unless we're talking about details that are important to the plot).

    She was a medium-sized woman, around 5’4 or 5’5, and had a lean figure that didn’t make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, a red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder, while her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape.
    Here, Lucy's exact height isn't necessary; it's enough to say that she's of average height. I think the word you're looking for in the second sentence is "trim..." I do like how the colors she's wearing and the color of her eyes and hair contrast with the white room; that makes her really stand out. But we don't really need to know the exact way her fringe falls. Also, people tend to assume lips are pink... it's different if she's wearing pink lipstick, though.

    Other than that, it seemed to me that she would've spent more time on the girl. There are ways for checking for dehydration and such... I'd think she'd check her blood pressure and temperature, too. Also, a drug that would eliminate any virus is pretty beyond our technology... I get the impression that the injection scene is more important than what's actually being injected; I think it'd be more realistic if it were something to bring up her blood pressure, or something.

    But overall, I think you're doing well with showing us who the characters are, their emotions and relationships. That's the important stuff here. Good luck with the next chapter!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 04

    [A/N]:
    Special thanks to Hakajin for leaving me a heart-felt review for the last chapter.
    I appreciate your input and am glad you're enjoying the story

    As for the rest of you, I also thank you for reading the story.
    It feels good to see the number of views increase every day.
    I hope each one of you can write me a review of your own.
    I develop as a writer when I connect with my fellow readers.

    ---

    “She can sleep in this room,” Ian said as he opened the door. The room was small and empty except for a bed and a small drawer with a lamp on top. The walls were forest green and the floor was covered in light brown carpet. The bed looked cozy at this time of night, set with a white pillow, white bed sheets, and a violet blanket. Lucario carried the girl on the bed as Lucy looked around disapprovingly. Ian noticed this and shrugged. “It’s a guest room and I didn’t plan on having guests,” he sheepishly explained.

    “Have you done any furnishing since you moved?” Lucy asked.

    “No,” Ian replied. “I’ve only been here for a few days and I’ve been managing the equipment. I haven’t even finished fixing them yet.”

    “I’ll help you decorate sometime,” Lucy offered. “At least you have a couch in the lobby.”

    “It gets tiring moving things around,” Ian leaned on the doorframe. Lucy shook her head and giggled. The two looked at each other for a moment, but then quickly turned their attention to Lucario tucking the girl in. “I’m guessing you want to stay and watch her?” Ian guessed.

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded.

    “Want me to bring you a chair? Ian offered. “Some food?”

    “No thank you,” Lucario refused.

    “I’ll bring you a chair anyway,” Ian said as he pushed himself off the doorframe. “I’ll be right back,” he said, leaving the three of them in the room. Alakazam disappeared to the kitchen a while ago, probably hungry after their ordeal.

    Lucy noticed the concern Lucario had in his eyes and bit her lip. After a short debate in her mind, Lucy decided to approach them. Lucario noticed her closing distance but paid it no heed. “She must mean a lot to you,” she commented.

    “She does,” Lucario replied.

    “Where did you meet her?” Lucy asked. She instantly regretted her question when he stiffened.

    “It isn’t my business to speak of such matters,” Lucario stated. “Please don’t ask again.”

    Lucy shifted uncomfortably. “If you say so,” she said, hoping Ian would come sooner.

    When Ian came back after what seemed like three hours, he returned with a chair in one hand and a blanket in another. Close behind him was Alakazam carrying a small bowl of soup. “Here’s the chair,” he said as he placed the chair near the wall with the blanket folded on the seat. “And it gets cold at night so here’s a blanket.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam approached Lucario with the bowl in her hands.

    “No, no thank you,” Lucario shook his head, but when Alakazam continued to insist, he sighed and took the bowl from her hands. “Thank you,” he nodded politely.

    “Alakazam does the same with me all the time,” Ian chuckled and returned to leaning on the doorframe. “When I forget to eat, she shoves food in front of me and refuses to give up until I eat it. I’d starve from working if it wasn’t for her.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam beamed proudly to him.

    “Well that soup smells delicious, Alakazam!” Lucy patted her stomach. “Do you mind if I get some too? I’m starving!”

    “Alaka!” Alakazam cheered and gestured her to follow her out the room. Lucy smiled and followed, but stopped at the doorway and turned around.

    “The medicine I gave her is only a temporary substitute for the nutrients she needs,” Lucy told them but mainly at Lucario. “Tomorrow she needs it to eat real food and go to my office for proper treatment. She may be feeling better now, but her body might suffer again if she doesn’t go to the hospital.”

    Lucario placed the bowl of soup on the ground and stepped forward. “Is there any way she can be treated without the knowledge of others?” Lucario asked.

    “That’s kind of hard to do,” Lucy confessed. “Can I at least know why you’re keeping her so secluded from the world? I promise she’ll be safe at all times.”

    “You can’t promise that,” Lucario stated. “And like I’ve said before, I cannot disclose such information.”

    “C’mon, Lucario,” Ian sighed. “If you want us to help her, you can’t keep hiding secrets from us. We’re the only help you can get right now, and the help we can offer is limited by the little of what we know.”

    “Having her here is endangering her life enough as it is,” Lucario insisted. “No one is supposed to know she’s alive. If anybody finds out that she exists…” Lucario clenched his fists and turned away, unable to finish his sentence.

    “But doesn’t she have parents that are worrying about her right now?" Lucy asked. "Was she raised in that temple?” She turned to Ian. “Maybe she caught something there that made her sick,” she suggested.

    Lucario whipped back around and glared at her. “What did you say?” he growled, stepping forward.

    “N-nothing!” Lucy stepped back, waving her hands up in defense. Ian quickly shoved himself off the doorframe and stood protectively in front of her. Alakazam returned to the room and ran to Ian's side. "I was only concerned for her well-being just like you are! I didn’t mean to offend you—“

    “How dare you!” Lucario spat. “Are you saying I'm not doing my job? I protect her with my life! If you test me, I swear I will kill you!”

    Ian instinctively whipped his arms to the side. “Enough!” Ian shouted. “I want you out of this place now! We don’t need to help youl! If that girl dies tonight, it’ll be your fault!”

    “Ian!” Lucy protested and hit him on the shoulder, but Ian only used the opportunity to take her wrist and drag her out of the room.

    “No, Lucy!” Ian snarled. “You help him and he threatens your life! If he’s so keen to making us his enemies, then he should leave now before we make him leave!”

    But Lucy continued to pound on his shoulders and dig her heels on the ground. “No, Ian, stop this!” she pleaded, hitting harder when they went deeper into the hallway.

    “No, please, stop!”

    Lucario ran to them, but stopped when Alakazam stood in his way. Her eyes and spoons flashed bright white light, daring him to make a move. Ian saw this and turned around, a determined look on his face as he pushed Lucy behind him.

    “Alakazam, you stop this too!” Lucy scolded, pounding on Ian’s back. “Alakazam, Ian, both of you, stop it!”

    “Alakazam, use Psychic,” Ian commanded.

    “Alaka,” Alakazam tilted her spoons, cloaking Lucario in a wave of white energy. Lucario twitched and grunted as the energy forced him on his knees.

    “No! Stop it, you’re hurting him!” Lucy pleaded and struggled to pass Ian’s barricading body. When Lucario roared in pain, Lucy’s pleas became louder. “Stop it! Ian, please!”

    “Lucario!”

    Everyone froze, including Alakazam, as the girl ran out of the room and right to Lucario’s side. Alakazam immediately released Lucario from her control, allowing Lucario to fall weakly on the ground. The girl gasped with tears in her eyes as she held Lucario in her arms. “M-my lady,” Lucario muttered weakly before passing out in her arms. The girl started shaking in her place, her bangs hiding her face.

    “Umm, little girl,” Ian called out awkwardly. He, Lucy, and Alakazam jumped when the girl glared at them with sharp violet eyes.

    You did this!” she growled. “You hurt Lucario!”

    The girl raised her right hand to them, but before anyone could say anything, her eyes glowed violet, and a violent wave of energy with the similar color rushed out of her hands and blew their bodies back ten feet. The three of them cried out as their bodies hit the walls and the un-carpeted ground.

    Ian clutched his head and looked back at the girl. He saw her lying beside Lucario, unconscious once gain. Despite the pain searing through his body, Ian felt numb.

    “I-Ian”

    Ian quickly turned to see Lucy crawling slowly to his side. Her eyes were wide and panicked as his. “Did that girl just hit us with a Psywave?”
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 7:03 PM.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    Good chapter! I felt like we learned more about Ian (he's kind of a hot-head, isn't he?) and about Alakazam. I especially liked the latter, since we didn't know that much about what she was like before, except that she was protective of Ian. She's kind of like Lucy, which is interesting. Ian must get along well with people like that. It makes sense that Ian and Lucy would push Lucario too tell them the truth...

    “Having her here is endangering her life enough as it is,” Lucario insisted. “No one is supposed to know she’s alive. If anybody finds out that she exists…” Lucario clenched his fists and turned away, unable to finish his sentence.
    This is interesting. It makes me wonder if the girl is dangerous to others, somehow.

    “But doesn’t she have parents that are worrying about her right now?" Lucy asked. "Was she raised in that temple?” She turned to Ian. “Maybe she caught something there that made her sick,” she suggested.

    Lucario whipped back around and glared at her. “What did you say?” he growled, stepping forward.

    “N-nothing!” Lucy stepped back, waving her hands up in defense. Ian quickly shoved himself off the doorframe and stood protectively in front of her. Alakazam returned to the room and ran to Ian's side. "I was only concerned for her well-being just like you are! I didn’t mean to offend you—“

    “How dare you!” Lucario spat. “Are you saying I'm not doing my job? I protect her with my life! If you test me, I swear I will kill you!”
    Wow, that's kind of an extreme reaction. I mean, Lucario trusts Ian and Lucy, right? I can see him getting angry, because he seems to have a lot of pride and the girl is very important to him. But threatening Lucy is a bit much. It seems like he'd realize that it's in the girl's best interest to do his best to cooperate. Unless there's something going on here that the reader doesn't know about yet...

    “Ian!” Lucy protested and hit him on the shoulder, but Ian only used the opportunity to take her wrist and drag her out of the room.

    “No, Lucy!” Ian snarled. “You help him and he threatens your life! If he’s so keen to making us his enemies, then he should leave now before we make him leave!”

    But Lucy continued to pound on his shoulders and dig her heels on the ground. “No, Ian, stop this!” she pleaded, hitting harder when they went deeper into the hallway.

    “No, please, stop!”

    Lucario ran to them, but stopped when Alakazam stood on his way. Her eyes and spoons flashed bright white light, daring him to make a move. Ian saw this and turned around, a determined look on his face as he pushed Lucy behind him.

    “Alakazam, you stop this too!” Lucy scolded, pounding on Ian’s back. “Alakazam, Ian, both of you, stop it!”

    “Alakazam, use psychic,” Ian commanded.
    Ian and Lucy play off each other well, here. But I didn't think Ian would actually attack Lucario. I mean, I can see him having Alakazam at the ready, with the way Lucario ran out into the hall that way, but I wouldn't expect him to make the first move. Especially given his role with the PHF; he's probably had to diffuse tense situations before. I can see him forgetting himself and getting angry where Lucy's involved, but... Is there any way the situation could escalate by accident? Maybe the girl wakes up before anything actually happens and tries to protect Lucario?

    Ian quickly turned to see Lucy crawling slowly to his side. Her eyes were wide and panicked as his. “Did that girl just hit us with a Psywave?”
    Interesting; I wonder why she has powers?

    Your writing style is improving. Still catching a few uses of the present tense, but that seems more like typos than a deliberate choice; maybe just give your chapters a proof-reading before you post them. Good job overall!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 05

    “Here,” Lucy handed Ian a cup of tea. “We’re both going to need it.”

    “Thanks,” Ian accepted it. The two drank their tea in silence as they leaned on the kitchen counter. Alakazam sat on a chair close to them, but kept her eyes on the doorway.

    The kitchen with its light green walls and white marble floors contrasted with the dark tension in the room. It didn't have much except for a microwave, a fridge, and a few cups, bowls, plates, and silverware. There would not have been tea if Alakazam didn't bring some and other food ingredients herself.

    Lucy lowered her cup and stared at the steaming brown liquid inside. “So what are we going to do about this?” she asked, hoping to break the silence as well as satisfy her curiosity.

    Ian set his cup on the counter. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

    Lucy gave him a sympathetic look and sighed. “At least we can understand now why Lucario was so keen on keeping her a secret,” she pointed out.

    Ian rose from his position but didn’t look at her. “I need to speak to them,” he said as he made his way out the kitchen.

    “What, now?” Lucy blinked. She shuffled in her place before she and Alakazam followed him.

    “I need answers,” Ian stated as they made their way to the west wing. “And I’m not settling for ‘it’s a secret’ anymore.”

    “Can’t it wait until morning?” Lucy asked as she tried to keep up with his strides. “The girl is still in an unstable condition and Lucario is still injured from your attack.”

    Ian grunted, remembering the recent events. “He started it,” he stated. “He threatened you.”

    “Yes, but you attacked him first,” Lucy reminded. “We already know he’s overprotective of the girl and reluctant to trust us. If you really want to help them, you have to understand!”

    “Well maybe I don’t want to help them anymore,” Ian remarked, stopping in front of an electric door. He lifted his right hand and typed a certain code on the keyboard. A beep confirmed the code before opening the door. Inside and farthest into the room was a large glass chamber with Lucario sitting inside, no longer unconscious.

    “Then what are you doing?” Lucy queried. Lucario noticed their entrance and stood up warily.

    “Lucario, you have some explaining to do,” Ian declared as he walked closer to the chamber.

    “I’ve thought about my actions and apologize,” Lucario placed both hands against the glass. “My actions were rash and foolish, and I never should’ve done what I’ve done. Punish me as you wish, but please don’t hurt the girl.”

    “Don’t worry about her,” Ian jerked his head to the door. “She’s in another room sleeping. Her Psywave attack on us tired her out.”

    Lucario stiffened, his arms falling limp at his sides. “W-what…”

    “She attacked us after you fainted,” Ian informed. “Tell me, Lucario, why can she do that?”

    Lucario stepped back. “P-please,” he pleaded. “As I’ve told you before, I cannot tell—“

    “If we can’t get information out of you, other scientists will,” Ian warned.

    “Ian!” Lucy gasped.

    “No, please!” Lucario begged.

    “Tell us, Lucario!” Ian insisted, “how can that girl use a Pokémon move?”

    Lucario growled and pounded on the glass again, this time out of helplessness instead of anger. “If I tell you,” Lucario started, “will you continue to help her?”

    Lucy and Alakazam turned to Ian with the same pleading look on their faces. Ian stepped closer and leaned on the glass, looking Lucario in the eyes. “I don’t like what you did to Lucy,” he told him. “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    Lucario jumped. “B-but I apolo—“

    “Let’s get something straight here,” Ian interrupted. “You don’t make the shots here--I do. You have something to protect with your life, but so do I. You threatened to kill someone precious to me, and the girl has attacked the three of us! So speak up right now and tell me why I shouldn’t let you and the girl rot in your chambers so this doesn’t happen again!”

    Lucario stepped back from the glass, and even Lucy and Alakazam were blown away by the scene. The tension in the room rose to a suffocating level as no one spoke a word. Lucario gulped and lowered his head. He clenched his fists, but didn’t dare raise them. He avoided Ian’s stare and glared at the ground.

    This wasn’t supposed to happen, Lucario thought. He was supposed to be the girl’s guardian, yet he led the girl to the very thing he was supposed to guard her from. Now he was being forced to expose the girl’s existence in exchange for the girl’s safety, which was an impossible feat considering that exposing the girl would only endanger her further.

    Lucario hated himself that moment. He failed his duties. He failed the girl. Milady, he thought, forgive me.

    Lucario was about to speak, but another voice interrupted him. “Ian,” Lucy called out quietly, breaking the silence in the room. “It’s late,” she said. “We all had a long day and we’re all tired. Let’s do this tomorrow.”

    Lucario watched in shock as Lucy walked closer to Ian. She took him by the shoulders and turned him to face her. She’s helping me, Lucario realized incredulously.

    “Ian,” Lucy whispered so only Ian could hear her, “please, for once, just listen to me. Lucario and the girl aren’t going anywhere. You need to give yourself a break! This is a fragile situation, and it should only be handled when you’re well-rested. Please continue this tomorrow; I’ll be here.”

    Ian only stared into her pleading eyes, hiding the struggle that raged in his head. Before Lucy could add anything, Ian straightened up. “Fine,” he said before turning back to Lucario. “Thank her,” he commanded.” Even after you threatened her life, she was still kind enough to help you.”

    Lucario’s head whipped to Lucy and nodded. “Thank you,” he told her gratefully.

    “You’re welcome,” Lucy smiled at him.

    Ian turned to Lucy and stared at her for a few moments. When Lucy caught this, he started walking before she could ask. “Let’s go,” Ian said bluntly as he opened the door. Alakazam looked at her too before following Ian out the door.

    Lucy was about to follow them, but looked back at Lucario one last time. He was leaning against the glass again with his head between his arms. There seems to be something more than just fulfilling his duty, Lucy guessed. Then she heard Ian call out to her from the hall, and she finally exited the room.

    ---

    “Should we check on the girl?” Lucy suggested as the three headed for the elevator.

    “No,” Ian shook his head. “I’m sick of her and that stupid Lucario. I’ll deal with the both of them tomorrow.”

    Lucy nodded knowingly as they stopped in front of the elevator. Ian pushed the button to go to the first floor, and as they waited, Lucy took this opportunity to check the time on her cell phone. When she took it out from her pocket, the phone started to ring. “Matthew Burns” identified the caller’s name, as well as the picture of a handsome man with fair tan skin and black hair combed neatly to the side. Lucy smiled and answered it, unaware of Ian’s darkening mood.

    “Hello?” Lucy called out as the three of them stepped inside.

    “Babe, where are you?” a mature and masculine voice asked from the other end. “It’s almost midnight and you’re still not home.”

    “I know, I know, I’m sorry, dear,” Lucy apologized as the elevator doors closed in front of them. “I was just helping out…Alakazam. She caught a cold.”

    “You can give her the potion you usually give to other sick Pokémon. It shouldn’t take so long,” Matthew pointed out. “And which Alakazam are you talking about? The one that works with Ian?”

    “Yes,” Lucy confirmed quietly in case Ian could hear the conversation. “I’m sorry for taking so long, sweetie, I’ll be home soon.”

    “Hmm, okay,” Matthew hummed disapprovingly. “Just be careful okay? It’s raining hard outside.”

    “I will,” Lucy nodded.

    “I love you,”

    “I love you too,” Lucy muttered and hung up, trying to ignore the increasing tension in the elevator. Even Alakazam shifted uncomfortably at the spot.

    After what seemed like a decade, the elevator doors opened and the three quickly got out. Ian looked more distressed than earlier, Lucy was anxiously biting her lip, and Alakazam continued to look uncomfortable.

    When they reached the front doors, Lucy stopped and turned to Ian. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning,” she told them. “Fortunately, my shift tomorrow isn’t until four so I’ll be here when you guys deal with…you know.”

    “Yes, goodnight,” Ian simply said, not looking her in the eyes as he opened the doors.

    Lucy flinched and frowned at this, but faked a smile when she turned to Alakazam. “Goodnight, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam stiffly nodded.

    Lucy sighed and turned to the outside world. She spotted her car and quickly ran to it. Ian watched her car’s headlights flash before Lucy entered her car. When she drove away, Ian closed the door and leaned his back against it.

    “Alaka,” Alakazam called out to him.

    Ian looked at her and deepened his frown. “Let’s just go to bed,” he grunted and walked ahead to the elevators. Alakazam stared at him with sympathetic eyes before following him.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 7:13 PM.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    38

    Default

    Welp, I speed-read the last few chapters and I will post what I think about the story up to this point.

    Firstly, try to slow down your posting of the chapters. I used to do that to my fic, but then I figured that people would need time to actually read through them thoroughly and it takes time to give a full analysis, especially readers who've missed several chapters due to their own circumstances. Now, into the story itself:

    So now we are given a clearer insight as to what kind of a person Lucy since, her debut in Chap 3., actually is. In your narration, she is depicted as an optimistic person, always caring and ready to assist others in their hour of need, a woman of positive quality, and is able to understand feelings, humans and Pokemon alike. This can be proven by the fact that Lucy stepped up pronto after seeing the girl's poor condition and offered Lucario her assistance.

    Ian, on the other hand, is described as a person overprotective over Lucy. I used "over"protective because he was willing to command Alakazam to hurt Lucario (before he even attacked them, not to mention Lucario probably lost his mind when he was "offended" by Lucy, if he slowed down and thought that through, this wouldn't have happened. Of course, desperate times call for desperate measures, I won't blame Ian for this). I hope Ian's anger management can get better (possibly due to Lucy's help) throughout the chapters. Of course, it's not like I can "change the way a character of a story NOT WRITTEN BY ME reacts to situations", but it's just my personal opinion.

    Oh wait, did I mention the word "overprotective"? I did. Because in my personal opinion, Lucario and Ian almost have the same personality. Caring one moment and furious the next. Of course, all of these are caused by them having respective things, or should I say, persons, to protect. Lucario can't get his mind of the little girl's well concern just like Ian can't Lucy's.

    I still can't really give an analysis for what I think of Alakazam. All I can say, at the time, is that she is a trusty partner Ian could have. She is a really understanding Pokemon, she IS a Pokemon of high IQ, after all. I hope that she will have more roles in the upcoming chapters.

    Now, to the little girl. Little is known about her and she is almost completely shrouded in mystery up to this point, this is rendered doubtless considering she can use a Pokemon attack. By rereading the name of this fiction, I am just going to assume that she's the nicknamed "Violet Wolf"? I am sure these infos will be disclosed in future chapters, see I can't wait to continue reading them.

    To be honest, I can see Ian and Lucy making a good couple. Lucario even implied that this Matthew person doesn't stand in their way.
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 13th July 2014 at 10:33 AM.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    “Here,” Lucy handed Ian a cup of tea. “We’re both going to need it.”

    “Thanks,” Ian accepted it. The two drank their tea in silence as they leaned on the kitchen counter. Alakazam sat on a chair close to them, but kept her eyes on the doorway.

    The kitchen with its light green walls and white marble floors contrasted with the dark tension in the room. It didn't have much except for a microwave, a fridge, and a few cups, plates, and silverware. There wouldn't be tea if Alakazam didn't bring some and other food ingredients herself. It made the setting empty, and a bit lonely too.
    Ok, so, good job setting the mood here; the room feels very stark. I'd leave out "with" in the first sentence... Also, I'd say "It didn't have much-- a fridge, a few cups, plates, silverware," (although it seems to me that the plates and silverware would be in the cabinets). Also, "There wouldn't have been tea. I think the last sentence could be left out, too, as the mood of the room is clear from the context. It's usually better to lead the reader to the conclusion, but let them make it themselves.

    Lucy lowered her cup and stared at the steaming brown liquid inside. “So what are we going to do about this?” she asked, hoping to break the silence as well as satisfy her curiosity.

    Ian set his cup on the counter. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

    Lucy gave him a sympathetic look and sighed. “At least we can understand now why Lucario was so keen on keeping her a secret,” she pointed out.

    Ian rose from his position but didn’t look at her. “I need to speak to them,” Ian said as he made his way out of the kitchen.

    “What, now?” Lucy blinked as she and Alakazam followed him.

    “I need answers,” Ian stated as he made his way to the west wing. “And I’m not settling for ‘it’s a secret’ anymore.”

    “Can’t it wait until morning?” Lucy asked as she tried to keep up with his strides. “The girl is still in an unstable condition and Lucario is still injured from your attack.”

    Ian grunted, remembering the recent events. “He started it,” he stated. “He threatened you.”

    “Yes, but you attacked him first,” Lucy reminded. “We already know he’s overprotective of the girl and reluctant to trust us. If you really want to help them, you have to understand!”

    “Well maybe I don’t want to help them anymore,” Ian remarked, stopping in front of an electric door. He lifted his right hand and typed a certain code on the keyboard. A beep confirmed the code before opening the door. Inside and farthest into the room was a large glass chamber with Lucario sitting inside, no longer unconscious.
    The conversation here is fine, but you're going a little heavy on the speech tags. When it's just two characters talking, you don't need to use them as much because of the give and take. Intermittent use is necessary, because the reader might lose their place after a certain number of lines... but I'd avoid speech tags like "reminded" and "queried;" they sound a little awkward. Also, I'm not sure why Ian is upset with the girl, too. I mean, sure, she attacked them, but she's just a little kid, and she was trying to protect someone important to her. I'd think Ian, an adult, would be more understanding.

    “Lucario, you have explaining to do,” Ian declared as he walked closer to the chamber.

    “I’ve thought about my actions and apologize,” Lucario placed both hands against the glass. “My actions were rash and foolish, and I never should’ve done what I’ve done. Punish me as you wish, but please don’t hurt the girl.”

    “Don’t worry about her,” Ian jerked his head to the door. “She’s in another room sleeping. Her Psywave attack on us tired her out.”

    Lucario stiffened, his arms falling limp at his sides. “W-what…”

    “She attacked us after you fainted,” Ian informed. “Tell me, Lucario, why can she do that?”

    Lucario stepped back. “P-please,” he pleaded. “As I’ve told you before, I cannot tell—“

    “If we can’t get information out of you, other scientists will,” Ian warned.

    “Ian!” Lucy gasped and hit him on the arm.

    “No, please!” Lucario begged.

    “Tell us, Lucario!” Ian insisted, “how can that girl use a Pokémon move?”

    Lucario growled and pounded on the glass again, this time out of helplessness instead of anger. “If I tell you,” Lucario started, “will you continue to help her?”

    Lucy and Alakazam turned to Ian with the same pleading look on their faces. Ian stepped closer and leaned on the glass, looking Lucario in the eyes. “I don’t like what you did to Lucy,” he told him. “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    Lucario jumped. “B-but I apolo—“

    “Let’s get something straight here,” Ian interrupted. “You don’t make the shots here--I do. You have something to protect with your life, but so do I. You threatened to kill someone precious to me, and the girl has physically attacked the three of us! So speak up right now and tell me why I shouldn’t let you and the girl rot in your chambers so this doesn’t happen again!”
    ...I gotta be honest, Ian is coming off as kind of a jerk here. I mean, he really owes Lucario an apology more than Lucario owes him one. Sure, Lucario threatened Lucy, but he didn't act on it. Meanwhile, Ian attacked Lucario first. Take into consideration the fact that Lucario is upset and stressed out because the person he cares most for is in trouble, and... Ian seems pretty callous. Especially when Lucario is trying to apologize. This is after the heat of the moment, too, so it seems like Ian should've calmed down... and instead he just starts laying into Lucario again.

    Lucario was about to speak, but another voice interrupted him. “Ian,” Lucy called out quietly, breaking the silence in the room. “It’s late,” she said. “We all had a long day and we’re all tired. Let’s do this tomorrow.”

    Lucario watched in shock as Lucy walked closer to Ian. She took him by the shoulders and turned him to face her. She’s helping me, Lucario realized incredulously.

    “Ian,” Lucy whispered so only Ian could hear her, “please, for once, just listen to me. Lucario and the girl aren’t going anywhere. You need to give yourself a break! This is a fragile situation, and it should only be handled when you’re well-rested. Please continue this tomorrow; I’ll be here.”

    Ian only stared into her pleading eyes, hiding the struggle that raged in his head. Before Lucy could add anything, Ian straightened up. “Fine,” he said before turning back to Lucario. “Thank her,” he commanded.” Even after you threatened her life, she was still kind enough to help you.”

    Lucario’s head whipped to Lucy and nodded. “Thank you,” he told her gratefully.

    “You’re welcome,” Lucy smiled at him.

    Ian turned to Lucy and stared for a few moments. When Lucy caught this, he started walking before she could ask. “Let’s go,” Ian said bluntly as he opened the door. Alakazam looked at her too before following Ian out the door.

    Lucy was about to follow them, but looked back at Lucario one last time. He was leaning against the glass again with his head between his arms. There seems to be something more than just fulfilling his duty, Lucy guessed. Then she heard Ian call out to her from the hall, and she finally exited the room.
    At least Lucy steps in to diffuse the situation. I imagine she'd be pretty POed at Ian... I kind of wanted her to tell him off. But I guess she didn't want to make him any madder...

    “Should we check on the girl?” Lucy suggested as the three headed for the elevator.

    “No,” Ian shook his head. “I’m sick of her and that stupid Lucario. I’ll deal with the both of them tomorrow.”

    Lucy nodded knowingly as they stopped in front of the elevator. Ian pushed the button to go to the first floor, and as they waited, Lucy took this opportunity to check the time on her cell phone. When she took it out from her pocket, the phone started to ring. “Matthew Burns” identified the caller’s name, as well as the picture of a handsome man with fair tan skin and black hair combed neatly to the side. Lucy smiled and answered it, unaware of Ian’s darkened mood.

    “Hello?” Lucy called out as the three of them stepped inside.

    “Babe, where are you?” a mature and masculine voice asked from the other end. “It’s almost midnight and you’re still not home.”

    “I know, I know, I’m sorry, dear,” Lucy apologized as the elevator doors closed in front of them. “I was just helping out…Alakazam. She caught a cold.”

    “You can give her the potion you usually give to other sick Pokémon. It shouldn’t take so long,” Matthew pointed out. “And which Alakazam are you talking about? The one that works with Ian?”

    “Yes,” Lucy confirmed quietly in case Ian could hear the conversation. “I’m sorry for taking so long, sweetie, I’ll be home soon.”

    “Hmm, okay,” Matthew hummed disapprovingly. “Just be careful okay? It’s raining hard outside.”

    “I will,” Lucy nodded.

    “I love you,” Ian told her.

    “I love you too,” Lucy muttered and hung up, trying to ignore the increasing tension in the elevator. Even Alakazam shifted uncomfortably at the spot.

    After what seemed like a decade, the elevator doors opened and the three quickly got out. They walked in silence as they neared the front doors. Ian looked more distressed than earlier, Lucy was anxiously biting her lip, and Alakazam continued to look uncomfortable.

    When they reached the front doors, Lucy stopped and turned to Ian. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning,” she told them. “Fortunately, my shift tomorrow isn’t until four so I’ll be here when you guys deal with…you know.”

    “Yes, goodnight,” Ian simply said, not looking her in the eyes as he opened the doors.

    Lucy flinched and frowned at this, but faked a smile when she turned to Alakazam. “Goodnight, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam stiffly nodded.

    Lucy sighed and turned to the outside world. She spotted her car and quickly ran to it. Ian watched her car’s headlights flash before Lucy entered the car. When she drove away, Ian closed the door and leaned his back against it.

    “Alaka,” Alakazam called out to him.

    Ian looked at her and deepened his frown. “Let’s just go to bed,” he grunted and walked ahead to the elevators. Alakazam stared at him with sympathetic eyes before following him.
    Well, that was awkward. Lucy sure gets good cel-phone reception in the elevator... although I guess since this is the Pokemon world, you can have whatever great technology you want (as long as it's not too hyperbolic).

    “I love you,” Ian told her.

    “I love you too,” Lucy muttered and hung up, trying to ignore the increasing tension in the elevator. Even Alakazam shifted uncomfortably at the spot.
    Did you mean "I love you," Matthew told her? ...I actually kind of like it better if it's Ian saying it, and Lucy doesn't hear him... but since it was in italics, that didn't seem like the case. Also, it'd be kind of a weird place for him to say it, I mean, there's no real lead-up to it. So never mind.

    Anyway, looking forward to getting some answers next chapter!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 06

    [A/N]:
    Hello everyone!
    Here's another chapter!

    I want to thank you guys again for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate the support.
    I also appreciate the comments, and I want to let you guys know that no constructive criticism is needed in the reviews. If you guys want to post just to say how much you love the story, I would be more than happy to read it!

    Also, can you guys tell me if I need permission to write rated M stories? I've been thinking about writing one for a while, and I don't want to break any rules for not taking any precautionary measures.

    Razor Wind: Thank you for taking the time to catch up! I apologize for my quick postings. I get so excited about the story that I write and post as quickly as I can. But don't worry, I think I'm getting writer's block after this so it might take a while before I post again xD

    Hakajin: Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes! I totally needed to fix them. I think I'm going to stick with my "labels" though. I appreciate the advice, but the dialogue just feels empty without them. I do appreciate the rest of your constructive criticism. My writing has improved a lot because of you

    This chapter is longer than the others, but I like it. I'm aiming to make each chapter like an episode on TV, but I'll promise to make each scene matter. I dislike fillers just like anybody would.

    ~
    ---
    ~

    Lucy grunted as she raked her fingers through her scalp. Her hair tie was lost after she pulled her hair out of frustration.

    Ian, as he always did, managed to pull her out of her sanity and into his madness. He attacked and threatened Lucario! At least Lucario managed to swallow his pride and apologize for just threatening her. But did Ian consider this and try to deal with it rationally? No! He never does!

    Lucy took a deep breath and exhaled. She tried to focus on the road, but then her attention reverted to Ian’s previous words.

    “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    “You threatened to kill someone precious to me.”


    “Damn, him!” Lucy banged a fist on the steering wheel. A small part of her knew it wasn’t her fault, but a big part of her blamed herself for Ian’s uncharacteristic behavior. Ian called her to help Lucario and the girl, but in the end of the night, she became his reason to turn against them.

    Lucy hissed as tears streamed down her eyes. Damn him, Lucy thought. After all these years, Ian can still make her feel like crap. She was just starting to learn how to be strong, especially when she loses patients, but when she finally starts making progress, Ian comes back and ruins everything!

    No! Lucy shook her head. She will not let him get to her again! She did what she could to help while Ian let his temper get the best of him! He was the one that ruined everything, not her!

    Lucy huffed when she saw her house coming into view. She accomplished so much as a doctor, a friend, and a wife because she gained self-respect; she will not let Ian come into her life and take that away from her!

    When Lucy got out of her car, she stomped towards the front door and allowed the rain to cool down her anger. Matthew opened the door when he heard Lucy keys jingling from the outside, and inched back when he saw her. “L-Lucy!” he called out in surprise. “You’re soaking wet! Come inside quick!”

    When Lucy did come inside, she gripped the front of Matthew’s shirt with both hands and shoved him against the wall. Matthew gasped at her red puffy eyes, but when he opened his mouth to ask, Lucy yanked his neck and kissed him hard on the lips. Matthew jumped in immediate arousal, but gently pushed her back. “Lucy, what’s wro—“

    “I need you,” Lucy’s voice creaked in desperation. “Please.”

    Matthew quickly encircled his arms around her waist and pulled her into a gentler, but more passionate, kiss. Lucy returned his kiss as her arms pulled him closer. Deciding he’ll ask her again in the morning, Matthew slowly guided himself and Lucy to the bedroom, his thumbs removing her jacket from her shoulders.

    ---

    Ian didn’t get that much sleep last night, if he slept at all. He tried to remember any dreams he may have had, but he could only recall the ceiling's rough white texture.

    Ian grunted when his phone started to vibrate. He tried to ignore it, but when the buzzing wouldn’t stop, he forced himself off the mattress.

    Ian groaned when he saw who was trying to contact him and immediately turned on his laptop. The sun was barely rising from the horizon when the menu appeared on the screen. Remembering who he was about to talk to, Ian went to his closet and put a lab coat on before sitting on his computer chair.

    After typing the password, Ian clicked a certain icon on the desktop and selected “Adrian Werner” from the list of names presented to him. He clicked a camera icon beside a picture of a pale man with blank eyes. “Adrian Werner” was restated below his picture, “PHF Main Executive” as the subtitle. Ian recognized him by the eyes that were always as dead as their color.

    After waiting a few more moments, Adrian Werner appeared on the screen wearing his formal business suit. The walls behind him were white, so Ian knew he was already in his office.

    “Hello, Professor Quest,” Werner greeted formally.

    “Hello, sir,” Ian nodded politely. “I apologize for the late response. What can I do for you, sir?”

    “What is the report on the site we sent you to?” Werner requested. Ian hid a knowing scoff. Straight-to-the-point as always, he thought. But when he remembered his trip to the temple and the events that followed, he struggled to keep a straight face. He knew that going there was an urgent matter. He may not have been informed why, but his recent discovery made him understand. The question was, should he reveal it?

    “It was raining hard, sir,” Ian told him. “Alakazam and I tried to discover what we could, but the conditions forced us to return another day.”

    He didn’t lie, Ian told himself, but he hoped this response would give him more time to prepare a proper report. He still wasn’t sure whether he should tell Werner about Lucario and the girl, and he never got the chance to enter the temple to supply any useful information. It’s too soon, Ian grunted to himself. He needed more time.

    Unfortunately for him, Werner was persistent, and his blank gray eyes scrutinized him like a cop interrogating a suspect. “Did you find anything out of the ordinary?” he assessed. “Were you met with any resistance?”

    Ian inched back and minimized his surprise with a blink. “Umm, no,” Ian hummed tensely. “Alakazam and I never got the chance to get to the temple. We turned back before we could get there. Excuse me for a moment.”

    Ian stepped out of his chair and quickly walked out of of his laptop’s camera range. Even though he only spoke the facts and truth, Ian never had much trouble lying. But the glare Werner was giving him was making him uncomfortable. He could feel Werner’s disapproval escalating with every word he spoke, and he needed to step out to ease his nerves.

    An important rule of speaking with highly-ranked individuals such as Werner is to never show weakness. Ian knew that if he wasn’t highly ranked in his own position, he would never speak to Werner in the first place. His lies were already making him look incompetent; if Werner saw him squirm too, he would lose his job.

    Ian labored his breathing quickly but quietly. When he felt calm enough, he strode back to his chair with false confidence. Werner’s eyes didn't look blank anymore, but they were alive and hard with anger. Ian didn’t know what looked worse.

    “Quest, I gave you a job to do,” Werner reminded. “If something as insignificant as weather is enough to keep you from fulfilling your duties, then I'll assign someone else to do the job.”

    “No, no, sir!” Ian sat at the edge of his chair. He bit his lip and scolded himself for showing weakness, but he had to fight for his job. “I-I’ll inspect the temple today and report to you tomorrow.”

    “Good,” Werner stated. “Have you recruited any scientists for your lab?”

    “Not yet,” Ian shook his head. “Mr. Denerro and I are meeting this Friday to discuss them.”

    “Very well,” Werner nodded, disapproval evident in his voice. “Send me the list of those approved as soon as possible.”

    “I will, sir.”

    “I'll speak to you soon,” Werner asserted. “Don’t fail me again, Quest.”

    “I won’t, sir,” Ian muttered. When Werner’s face was replaced with a black screen, Ian shut his laptop and sighed. He grunted loudly before pushing himself out of the room.

    ---

    When Lucy woke up, she smiled when she saw Matthew sleeping soundly beside her. She ran a thumb against his left cheekbone and mused how peaceful he looked against the pillows. She gasped when a large hand cupped her small one, and beamed when Matthew opened his eyes. “Good morning,” Matthew greeted groggily.

    “Good morning,” Lucy cooed. Matthew lifted her up and placed her against his chest. His arms stayed encircled around her waist, and Lucy sighed contentedly before giving him a soft kiss on the lips. “Did you sleep well?” she asked.

    “I did,” Matthew tucked a lock of orange hair behind her ear. “How about you?”

    “I slept very well,” Lucy pouted. “Did I wake you?”

    “No, not at all,” Matthew shook his head. “I think we’re so used to each other’s sleeping patterns, we wake up at the same time.”

    Lucy giggled and kissed him again before leaning against his shoulder. She inhaled his unique musky scent and grinned when she remembered last night’s events. But when she remembered more events, her body fell limp. Matthew noticed this and nudged her gently. “Hey,” he called out. “You still haven’t told me about what happened last night.”

    Lucy sighed and looked up at him. "It's nothing," she lied.

    “No it isn’t,” Matthew told her sternly. “Did Ian do something?"

    Lucy shook her head. “No, no,” she looked down, but Matthew tilted her chin back up with his finger.

    “You’re lying,” Matthew stated. “C’mon, Lucy, what did he do?”

    Lucy sighed again and plopped down beside him. “He didn’t do anything to me,” Lucy corrected, “he was more of a pain about something else.”

    Matthew turned to her and lifted his head with his arm. “What happened last night, Lucy?”

    Lucy bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s classified,” she responded, surprising Matthew. “Alakazam wasn’t sick, but something else was. I can’t tell you anything about it since we don’t have enough information.”

    Matthew sat completely up, eying her suspiciously. “What was sick and why can’t anyone know about it?” he interrogated.

    “Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal,” Lucy assured. “I actually asked that same question when Ian called me to his lab. We got a hint last night, but it was enough to complicate things even more.”

    “Complicate what things?” Matthew insisted.

    “Please, please, don’t ask,” Lucy pleaded, groaning when she realized how much she sounded like Lucario. “We don’t want to involve any more people until we get more information. It’s classified, Matthew, and only Ian, Alakazam, and I know about it. Please, just trust me on this.”

    When Matthew noticed how slumped Lucy’s shoulders were and how watery her eyes became, Matthew couldn’t help but pity his wife. It was an instinct to make sure no laws were being broken, but Lucy didn’t seem to be breaking anything. She only seems to be hiding something she could barely comprehend, and nothing seemed to be causing any significant damage. With that thought, another question came to mind. “Why did Ian call you?” Matthew asked. “Why didn’t he contact other doctors and scientists?”

    Lucy looked at him. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly, because she honestly didn’t know.

    Matthew detected her honesty, but frowned when his own conclusions came to mind. Lucy noticed this and sat up so they were looking eye to eye. “Matthew,” Lucy called out when Matthew turned away. “Matthew, look at me.”

    When Matthew finally turned to her, Lucy cupped his face in her hands. “It isn’t what you think,” Lucy stated. “What happened between Ian and I is in the past. I love you, and I’m here with you, not him.”

    “But you'll be with him later,” Matthew remarked.

    Lucy bit her lip. “Yes, I will meet him later,” Lucy confirmed, “but only to help him and Alakazam with their…project.”

    She looked at him for a while before pulling him into a kiss. She hoped he could feel her need for him and forget about his suspicions. Fortunately, Matthew returned the kiss with the same level of longing and pulled her closer to him.

    When Matthew laid her down on the mattress, Lucy continued to kiss him and let his hands roam until she eventually pushed him off. “You have work,” Lucy reminded. “You can’t get that promotion if you’re late.”

    Matthew pouted. “You’re no fun,” he whined before pushing himself off the bed. Lucy blushed when his naked body walked towards the bathroom and rolled her eyes when Matthew smirked at her.

    “Get in the there already!” Lucy commanded with flashing cheeks before throwing a pillow at him. Matthew quickened his pace and laughed as he reached the bathroom’s doorway. Lucy tried to remember a time when Ian made her feel this happy, but then a loud fart resounded in the room.

    “Sorry,” Matthew muttered before closing the door.

    “Matthew!” Lucy protested and fanned the air with the blankets. But her amusement overrode her irritation, and she laughed hysterically under the sheets.

    ---

    Lucy didn’t make it that far on the walkway when Ian burst out of the building. His face was pale, his eye bags were darker and heavier than usual, and his breathing was ragged as he ran to his van. “Ian?” Lucy called out. “Ian what’s wrong?”

    “Lucario and the girl are gone,” Ian said as he opened the driver’s door. Lucy jumped and ran to the other side of the van.

    “Where’s Alakazam?” Lucy asked as she opened the passenger’s door.

    “I don’t know,” Ian said as he started the engine, “but I have an idea.”

    Lucy yelped when the van surged forward and into the road, heading to an unknown place before she could put on her seatbelt.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 7:22 PM.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,745

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ChewieJ View Post
    [A/N]:
    I thank you all for reading my story and the people who posted their input.
    Your advice helped me a lot, and the pointers you gave me were worth considering.

    I appreciate the fact that the comments were constructive and not destructive, as they helped me instead of hurt me, and it made me feel good to know that my writing is on the right track.

    This chapter is dedicated to you guys.
    Glad to help. I hope you will not mind that my next reviews will be a little shorter; the chapters are shorter than most things I read, so I'm not totally used to reviewing in this way.

    ---

    When the crew arrived at Ian’s lab, Lucario peered at the establishment he saw ahead. The building was large, white, and two-stories high. It looked like a pentagon was sliced in half and one half was laid flat, so viewing the building from the center, Lucario could see one tall rectangular building connected to two other rectangular buildings stretching out diagonally from the sides. In front of the building were two pathways: one was a beige footpath leading to the double-door entrance of the building, and the other was a granite driveway leading to a large garage door.

    When the van stopped in front of the pathway, Lucario read “Pokémon and Human Federation, Laboratory 67” engraved on the rectangular cement stone beside the steps of the footpath. Carrying the girl gently in his arms, who was covered in Ian’s spare jacket, Lucario gracefully hopped out of the van and into the rain, which was softer in this part of town. “Hurry on to the awning at the front doors,” Ian instructed, looking at the white car parked beside his green van. “I gotta get some stuff,” he added as he opened the trunk. “Go with them, Alakazam.”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam nodded and gestured Lucario to follow his sprint to the double doors. Lucario followed quickly, but cautiously, as they neared the establishment. As they came closer, Lucario saw that the double doors and the garage doors were bigger than they seemed from far away. He could also see the rows of rectangular windows hanging far above the flower bushes, as if the only the ones that could see the outside world are ones who are one the second floor.[/quote]

    I would like to see how the relationship between Lucario and Alakazam develops. I see some good potential there.

    When the two Pokémon finally made it under the awning, they looked back to see Ian running to them with a large laptop bag slung over his shoulder. “Lucy’s already inside,” Ian informed. “That’s her car parked next to my van.”

    When he joined them under the awning, Ian approached the electric box suspended next to the doors. He pushed certain buttons and pressed his hand against the glass censor until a click was heard from the doors. Lucario’s grip on the girl tightened as he was led inside the building.
    You really get a feel for how important she is to Lucario.

    As an aside, I like that she has not woken up yet. This is building the mystery well.

    Lucario saw white, a lot of it. The walls and ceilings were white. The curving reception desk further into the room was white. The pillars holding the building together were white. The only white he didn’t see were the elevators near each side of the reception desk and the stairwells beside them, which were mostly gray, silver, and a slightly darkened shade of white. What was also not a plain shade of white was the woman sitting on the white couch to their left. When they entered, she immediately stood up, allowing them to take in her appearance.

    She was a medium-sized woman, around 5’4 or 5’5, and had a lean figure that didn’t make her too skinny or too wide. She wore a white turtle neck, a red leather jacket, dark blue jeans, and dark brown boots. Her long orange hair was tied to hang on her right shoulder, while her fringes, which were dominantly divided from her right side, framed her freckled face. Her green eyes were wide open, her pink lips agape. “Oh my gosh, you guys are soaked!” she called out as she ran to them. Lucario stood his ground as she stood in front of them. “Didn’t you guys wear raincoats or used an umbrella?” she scolded. Ian’s shaggy brown hair was flattened on his head, and his clothes clung uncomfortably to his body as well. Alakazam didn’t look any better.

    The woman then turned to Lucario and the girl and her expression became more frantic. “Oh goodness, is this the girl?”
    I'm liking Lucy so far. She fits the role of a caretaker well.

    “Yes,” Ian nodded. “Can you help her?”

    “Yes, yes!” the woman piped and waved them towards the couch. Ian took a step, but took it back when he saw Lucario still firmly standing in his place. He was about to say something, but then Lucario sprinted away, not allowing Ian to say a word. Relieved to see that Lucario was cooperating, he followed them to the C-shaped couch.
    Lucario's characterization is very strong.

    After Lucario placed the girl on the couch, he attentively watched as the woman dug through her leather brown bag. He stiffened when he saw her take out an unfamiliar object. “What is that?” he demanded.

    The woman jumped in her place, almost forgetting he was there. “This is a stethoscope,” she answered. “It allows me to hear her heartbeat.”

    “Let her do her job,” Ian told him. “She’s a doctor. She knows what she’s doing.”
    A couple of good things here. One, you're doing well remembering that Lucario is not a human and does not know human technology or medicine. That's an important tidbit and it's good you kept it.

    Lucy's explanation of her actions is accordingly appropriate.

    Third, I can definitely tell Ian has a good relationship with Lucy. I got the feeling that would be something important, and you're doing a pretty decent job of it so far.

    You should say "brown leather bag" though. It flows better.

    “Thank you, Ian,” the woman gave him a quick smile before using the stethoscope to hear the girl’s heartbeat. “Her heartbeat is slow,” she stated before standing up. “I can’t tell exactly what’s wrong without the proper equipment, but I can give her these.” She dove into her bag again and took out small bags, bottles, and cases with pills. “She also needs dry clothes,” the woman noted.

    “I’ll be back,” Ian said before running off.

    The woman smiled to him and then turned to Lucario. “I need to administer medicine to your friend through needles,” she told him softly. “You can turn away if you want. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

    “I’ll watch,” Lucario stated firmly.
    Another strong moment for Lucario's bond with the girl.

    Lucy's compassion is also shining through quite well. She hasn't been around for long but she's already a standout character.

    The woman sighed. “Very well then,” she nodded before taking two bags filled with injection needles and containers that held intriguing liquids. She uncapped a needle and stuck it through the container’s top, using it to absorb the liquid inside. She sprayed some liquid out of the needle before taking the girl’s left bicep. Lucario’s eyes hardened as the needle penetrated the girl’s skin, injecting her with the questionable fluid. “If the girl has an infection, this fluid will eliminate the viruses,” the woman assured him.

    The woman wasted no time before claiming a bottle and a jar filled with capsules. She took a pill out of the jar and snapped the cap off the bottle. She then held the girl’s head up and inserted the pill into the girl’s mouth. She tilted the bottle to the girl’s lips and tilted the girl’s head so the girl can swallow the bottle’s liquid. “This will feed her if she’s is famished, dehydrated, or malnourished.”
    The medicine is a bit... fantastic. I'm not sure if that's a problem though, given that it's the Pokemon world.

    "She tilted the bottle to the girl's lips and moved the girl's head back so she could swallow the liquid" is a better way to write that line.

    She returned the girl on her back on the couch and smiled. “We’ll wait a bit so the medicine can kick in,” she said while removing her jacket. “This will make her more comfortable,” she added as she folded her jacket and placed it under the girl’s head. She turned behind her. “Where’s Ian and those clothes?”

    “Here!” Ian called out as he exited from an elevator. “I got an old shirt, shorts, and a blanket.”

    “Thank you,” the woman took the clothes from his hands. “Now turn around so I can dress the girl.”

    Ian rolled his eyes and turned away. Alakazam didn’t need to turn away, but Lucario continued to watch because he wouldn’t allow himself not to. Despite the struggle to get the girl’s wet dress off of her, the woman managed to get the job done quickly. When Ian turned back around, the girl is back on the couch with his clothes covering her whole body. “She’s so small,” Ian commented.
    Thanks for not lingering on that part, it could have gotten awkward.

    “Maybe you’re just too big,” the woman chuckled to him, causing Ian to roll his eyes once more.

    Lucario took the red blanket Ian brought and covered the girl from shoulder to toe. His gaze softened as the girl eventually stopped shivering, her breathing becoming steadier. The woman saw this and took out her stethoscope. “Would you like to hear her heartbeat?” she asked.

    “No,” Lucario declined. “I can feel her misery going away.” He turned to the woman with gratitude in his eyes. “You didn’t know her yet you saved her life. I am indebted to you; thank you for saving her life.”

    The woman smiled. “It's my pleasure,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve met you before. I would know if I did. I would definitely remember a Pokémon that uses telepathy.”

    “Call me as I am,” Lucario told her. “I am the girl’s guardian.”

    “It’s nice to meet you Lucario,” the woman extended her hand, which Lucario eventually returned with his. “My name is Lucy.”
    Nice way to end it.

    I think so far the best part is the characterization. Lucy and Lucario are especially standing out. I probably would prefer slightly longer chapters, but that's a personal preference; you write what you feel comfortable with.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 18: Winter of Discontent
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 1)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    Hakajin: Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes! I totally needed to fix them. I think I'm going to stick with my "labels" though. I appreciate the advice, but the dialogue just feels empty without them. I do appreciate the rest of your constructive criticism. My writing has improved a lot because of you
    No problem, glad to help!

    Lucy grunted as she raked her fingers through her scalp. Her hair tie was lost after she pulled her hair out of frustration.

    Ian, as he always did, managed to pull her out of her sanity and into his madness. He attacked and threatened Lucario! At least Lucario managed to swallow his pride and apologize for just threatening her. But did Ian consider this and try to deal with it rationally? No! He never does!

    Lucy took a deep breath and exhaled. She tried to focus on the road, but then her attention reverted to Ian’s previous words.

    “If there was any peace between us before you threatened to kill her, it’s gone.”

    “You threatened to kill someone precious to me.”

    “Damn, him!” Lucy banged a fist on the steering wheel when she stopped in front of a stop sign. A small part of her knew it wasn’t her fault, but a big part of her blamed herself for Ian’s uncharacteristic behavior. Ian called her to help Lucario and the girl, but in the end of the night, she became his reason to turn against them.

    Lucy hissed as tears streamed down her eyes. Damn him, Lucy thought. After all these years, Ian can still make her feel like crap. She was just starting to learn how to be strong, especially when she loses patients, but when she finally starts making progress, Ian comes back and ruins everything!
    Oh, I'm glad to see things from Lucy's point of view! I like her thoughts about Ian's behavior here, it really helps show that you, the author, don't necessarily agree with his actions. This also makes me curious about their history, and about what Lucy was like before. It's interesting that self-confidence is something she's had to work on; that's a great character trait.

    After waiting a few more moments, Adrian Werner appeared on the screen wearing his formal business suit. The walls behind him were white, so Ian knew he was already in his office.

    “Hello, Professor Quest,” Werner greeted formally.

    “Hello, sir,” Ian nodded politely. “I apologize for the late response. What can I do for you, sir?”

    “What is the report on the site we sent you to?” Werner requested. Ian hid a knowing scoff. Straight-to-the-point as always, he thought. But when he remembered his trip to the temple and the events that followed, he struggled to keep a straight face. He knew that going there was an urgent matter. He may not have been informed why, but his recent discovery made him understand. The question was, should he reveal it?
    I like how Werner is always straight to the point; it makes him a good foil for Ian, who needs to hide things from him. Overall, the situation Ian is in in this scene is very relatable.

    Lucy giggled and kissed him again before leaning against his shoulder. She inhaled his unique musky scent and grinned when she remembered last night’s events. But when she remembered more events, her body fell limp. Matthew noticed this and nudged her gently. “Hey,” he called out. “You still haven’t told me about what happened last night.”

    Lucy sighed and looked up at him. "It's nothing," she lied.

    “No it isn’t,” Matthew told her sternly. “Did Ian do something?"

    Lucy shook her head. “No, no,” she looked down, but Matthew tilted her chin back up with his finger.

    “You’re lying,” Matthew stated. “C’mon, Lucy, what did he do?”

    Lucy sighed again and plopped down beside him. “He didn’t do anything to me,” Lucy corrected, “he was more of a pain about something else.”

    Matthew turned to her and lifted his head with his arm. “What happened last night, Lucy?”

    Lucy bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s classified,” she responded, surprising Matthew. “Alakazam wasn’t sick, but something else was. I can’t tell you anything about it since we don’t have enough information.”

    Matthew sat completely up, eying her suspiciously. “What was sick and why can’t anyone know about it?” he interrogated.

    “Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal,” Lucy assured. “I actually asked that same question when Ian called me to his lab. We got a hint last night, but it was enough to complicate things even more.”

    “Complicate what things?” Matthew insisted.

    “Please, please, don’t ask,” Lucy pleaded, groaning when she realized how much she sounded like Lucario. “We don’t want to involve any more people until we get more information. It’s classified, Matthew, and only Ian, Alakazam, and I know about it. Please, just trust me on this.”

    When Matthew noticed how slumped Lucy’s shoulders were and how watery her eyes became, Matthew couldn’t help but pity his wife. It was an instinct to make sure no laws were being broken, but Lucy didn’t seem to be breaking anything. She only seems to be hiding something she could barely comprehend, and nothing seemed to be causing any significant damage. With that thought, another question came to mind. “Why did Ian call you?” Matthew asked. “Why didn’t he contact other doctors and scientists?”

    Lucy looked at him. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly, because she honestly didn’t know.

    Matthew detected her honesty, but frowned when his own conclusions came to mind. Lucy noticed this and sat up so they were looking eye to eye. “Matthew,” Lucy called out when Matthew turned away. “Matthew, look at me.”

    When Matthew finally turned to her, Lucy cupped his face in her hands. “It isn’t what you think,” Lucy stated. “What happened between Ian and I is in the past. I love you, and I’m here with you, not him.”

    “But you'll be with him later,” Matthew remarked.

    Lucy bit her lip. “Yes, I will meet him later,” Lucy confirmed, “but only to help him and Alakazam with their…project.”

    She looked at him for a while before pulling him into a kiss. She hoped he could feel her need for him and forget about his suspicions. Fortunately, Matthew returned the kiss with the same level of longing and pulled her closer to him.

    When Matthew laid her down on the mattress, Lucy continued to kiss him and let his hands roam until she eventually pushed him off. “You have work,” Lucy reminded. “You can’t get that promotion if you’re late.”

    Matthew pouted. “You’re no fun,” he whined before pushing himself off the bed. Lucy blushed when his naked body walked towards the bathroom and rolled her eyes when Matthew smirked at her.

    “Get in the there already!” Lucy commanded with flashing cheeks before throwing a pillow at him. Matthew quickened his pace and laughed as he reached the bathroom’s doorway. Lucy tried to remember a time when Ian made her feel this happy, but then a loud fart resounded in the room.

    “Sorry,” Matthew muttered before closing the door.

    “Matthew!” Lucy protested and fanned the air with the blankets. But her amusement overrode her irritation, and she laughed hysterically under the sheets.
    I'm really enjoying the relationship between these two; I could really tell that they're a team. That's unusual; most authors give into the impulse to make the romantic rival a jerk, or just boring. Matthew's not too nice, either; he does push Lucy a little. I got the feeling that she's really in love with him. So good on that! The fart was also a nice humorous touch that shows their playfulness together.

    Lucy didn’t make it that far on the walkway when Ian burst out of the building. His face was pale, his eye bags were darker and heavier than usual, and his breathing was ragged as he ran to his van. “Ian?” Lucy called out. “Ian what’s wrong?”

    “Lucario and the girl are gone,” Ian said as he opened the driver’s door. Lucy jumped and ran to the other side of the van.

    “Where’s Alakazam?” Lucy asked as she opened the passenger’s door.

    “I don’t know,” Ian said as he started the engine, “but I have an idea.”

    Lucy yelped when the van surged forward and into the road, heading to an unknown place before she could put on her seatbelt.
    Good development to close on!

    Overall, I think this is my favorite chapter so far, because of the strong characterization. I notice that you're still slipping into the present tense sometimes... but that could be fixed with some proof-reading.
    Last edited by Hakajin; 24th July 2014 at 12:25 AM.
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 07

    He gritted his teeth as he watched the damned creatures fly and run around his grounds. They have no right to be there, he thought, and he should do something about it so they'll twice before trespassing again.

    He saw a Butterfree fly close to him and scowled when it smiled. He growled and clawed in retaliation, making it flutter away. Who did those creatures think they are? They’re lucky to have these stupid laws protecting them or he would've taken them and--!

    He stopped and took a deep breath. He pictured himself doing the things he would do and exhaled with a sneer. Patience, he told himself. The extermination of these monsters will take time to accomplish; it wasn’t something he can spontaneously do. When these creatures die, they have to be gone for good. None of them will live to see the future; he’ll make sure of that.

    This world wasn’t built to be shared, he growled to himself. This world wasn’t built to be infested with those parasites. Those wretched scums will be wiped from the face of the planet, and humans, for the first time in history, won’t have to share what was rightfully theirs.

    The time is coming, he chuckled. He can feel it.

    ---

    “I don’t understand,” Lucy shook her head. “How did they even get out?”

    The van took a sharp turn, but Lucy managed to stay in place. “The only ones that know how to unlock the chambers are me and Alakazam,” Ian grumbled. “And I didn’t do it.”

    “But this doesn’t make sense,” Lucy told him. “Why would Alakazam set them free? And where would she go?”

    “I don’t know,” Ian growled, “but when I find them, I’m getting answers. I'm not taking any more excuses!”

    Lucy gave him a pained look and stared outside the window. The tension between them was thickening, and the silence made things worse. She knew she shouldn’t but, “Go ahead,” Lucy permitted.

    Ian gave her a quick look. “Go ahead and what?”

    “Go ahead and say it,” Lucy continued. “You were right, I was wrong. If I didn’t insist on going to bed and postpone getting the answers you needed, this wouldn’t have happened. Lucario and the girl would still be in their chambers, and Alakazam would still be with us. It’s all my fault, you can go ahead and say it.”

    To her surprise, Ian grunted in irritation. “Will you stop tearing yourself down?” he demanded. “If it isn’t my fault, it’s yours. If I wasn’t good enough, you weren’t good enough.”

    “But…but I—“

    “And who gives a damn whose fault it is right now?” Ian continued. “This is happening no matter whose fault it is! Even if Alakazam didn’t set them free, we don’t even know if that girl was human! She could’ve teleported herself and Lucario out of the chambers for all we know and Alakazam probably went after them!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “Still,” she insisted. “If I didn’t—“

    “I said stop it!” Ian snarled. “Stop making it your fault! No matter what you do, Lucario was never going to fess up! If he did say anything, it probably wouldn’t have been the truth! So stop blaming yourself!”

    Lucy stiffened and turned away. Her fists shook and her eyes watered, but she forced herself to be strong. Ian noticed this and sighed. “I hate it when this happens,” he grunted. “I hate it when you blame yourself, I hate it when you make me feel bad for trying to stop you, and I hate how no matter how many times we try to make things work, it always blows up in our face!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “I’m sorry."

    Ian clawed his scalp. “I don’t even know what you’re sorry for!” he told her. “Are you just saying that because you have nothing else to say?”

    “No, no!” Lucy shook her head. “I...I always mess things up!” she proclaimed. “You needed me to help Lucario and the girl, but then I became the reason you turned against them,” she started sobbing at this point. “And now they’re gone because of me, and you might even lose your job because of…” Lucy cupped her mouth to stifle her sobs.

    Ian shook his head. "No, no, no," he muttered and pulled over to the side of the road. “Lucy, look at me,” he ordered. “Look at me, Lucy.”

    When Lucy did what she was told, she jumped back at Ian’s intense gaze. “Stop blaming yourself,” Ian commanded. “I repeat, stop blaming yourself, and wipe those tears away!”

    When Lucy only stared at him in shock, Ian tsked and took out a napkin. When he shoved it in her face, Lucy was forced to take it. “Now you listen to me,” Ian started. “Nothing could’ve prevented this from happening. If you were really something that held me back, I wouldn’t keep asking for your help. And if I didn’t think you were good enough to continue helping me, you wouldn’t be in this van.”

    Ian roughly scratched the back of his head and sighed. “When you try to make me feel better by taking all the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better," he told her. "When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I’m not the one married to you--why I’m not the one holding you and reminding you how good you are to hate yourself so much.”

    Lucy gasped as Ian’s eyes softened. “No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I just can’t hate you. I’ve tried to hate you, and I know enough that I should. But every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to make you happy.”

    Fresh tears trickled down Lucy’s eyes, but Ian dismissed them and started the engine. “Now let’s find Alakazam,” he said as he returned the van on the road. “I don’t give a damn about Lucario and that girl anymore. I just want Alakazam back.”

    ---

    “Lucario, is this necessary?”

    Lucario looked at the girl with determination, but when he saw how watery her eyes were, he quickly turned away. “Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

    “But isn’t there any other way?” the girl insisted. “I promise I’ll never leave th—“

    “There isn’t much time,” Lucario interrupted. “Please, milady, you understand why this is necessary as much as I do. I don’t want to do this either, but it must be done.”

    Tears trickled down the girl’s face as the girl enveloped him into a hug. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered.

    Lucario almost fell apart in her arms, but he managed to keep himself together. This has to be done, he told himself. It wasn’t only for her own good, but the good of everyone else.

    He raised the crystal stake and stabbed it into her heart.

    ---

    When Ian and Lucy arrived at the temple, only Alakazam stood in front of the entrance. When Alakazam didn’t budge, Ian and Lucy got out of the van and approached her. “I’m not expecting an explanation,” Ian said. “If you were the one that set them free, I’ll forgive you, but only if you come back with us right now.”

    Alakazam, to their surprise, turned to enter the temple. She turned back once as a silent command to follow. Ian and Lucy hesitated at first, but when Lucy took Ian’s hand, Ian looked at her and nodded before entering the tunnel together.

    The temple grounds consisted of many pillars surrounding a rectangular stone foundation. There didn’t seem to be other openings but the tunnel they were walking through.

    As the three ventured deeper into the tunnel, Alakazam lit a spoon so they can see where they were going. Ian looked around and noticed the inscriptions carved into the walls. There were no images present, and many of the "words" were either faded or scratched out.

    When Alakazam’s white light didn’t seem so bright, Ian and Lucy looked around to see they were in a large cavern. Pokémon of many kinds inhabited the room, and all eyes automatically turned to them when they entered. Lucy’s grip on Ian’s hand tightened, and Ian stood protectively in front of her.

    In the center of the room, there was a tall, cubed platform with four different Pokémon standing on the corners. There was something lying in the middle of the platform, but it was blocked by Lucario's figure. “Thank you for coming,” Lucario acknowledged them.

    “What’s going on in here?” Ian asked as they neared the platform. “And how did you leave the lab?”

    “I explained our situation to Alakazam,” Lucario answered. “She saw the importance of our situation and set us free. However, we still needed your help.”

    “Ian,” Lucy shook, causing Ian to look at her. “Do you smell that? Is that...”

    Ian sniffed the air and gasped. “Where’s the girl, Lucario?”

    Lucario stiffened and stepped aside. The girl laid limp in the center of the platform, blood pooling around her. Lucy gasped in horror. Ian stomped towards the platform. “You son of a—“

    Immediately, the room was lit with the moves of every Pokémon in the room. Fire, electricity, and other Pokémon energies revealed not only how out-powered Ian and Lucy were, but how out-numbered they were as well. Alakazam, to their horror, also raised her spoons to them with threatening white light. “What did you do, Lucario?!” Ian demanded. “And what have you done to Alakazam?!”

    “Do you want to know what the girl is?” Lucario offered. “Do you want to know why her existence is so important, but must remain unknown?”

    “You killed her!” Ian growled. “You killed the very person you were trying to protect! What sick excuse could you possibly have to justify what you’ve done?”

    Lucario flinched and clenched his fists. He seems conflicted with himself, but Lucy wasn’t sure whether to pity him or be mad at him.

    “She is dead not to be eliminated, but to be reborn,” Lucario explained. “She has to continue existing in this world, but not in her present state.”

    Ian stared at him in shock. “Reborn?”

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “And when she is reborn, she needs to be under your care.”

    This caused Ian to jump back. “What?” he demanded. “Why me? I thought you were her guardian?”

    At that moment, Lucario looked like he was going to crumble. He trembled at his spot and struggled to maintain his composure. The other Pokemon looked almost as uncomfortable as he did. “No,” Lucario managed to utter. “I will not.”

    Ian and Lucy continued to stare at him. “What’s happening, Lucario?” Ian asked. “And tell me the whole truth.”

    Lucario took a deep breath and struggled to look at him. “A war is going to break out between humans and Pokemon,” Lucario told them. “In the end of the war, only one of the species will remain.”

    Ian and Lucy gasped. “What are you talking about?” Lucy asked.

    “It was prophesied from the beginning of time,” Lucario continued. “Our ancestors have passed this down for centuries to us, the Guardians of the Nexus.”

    “Guardians of the Nexus?” Ian repeated.

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “Only a few chosen humans and Pokémon are allowed to know this information. Because you met and assisted us, you were chosen to be guardians too. As guardians, it is our duty to protect the Nexus.”

    “The nexus,” Lucy said. “The link?”

    “Yes,” Lucario said and turned to the girl. “The Nexus is sent to Earth when the time for war is approaching. This way, she will learn how to live in this world and maintain peace between humans and Pokémon. She,” Lucario looked at the girl softly, “is the only reason why humans and Pokemon continue to live in this world together. If someone was to find her and kill her, the killer can decide which specie will live, and which specie will die.”

    Ian and Lucy couldn’t believe what they were hearing. It just wasn’t possible! There was no way their existence can depend so much on a little girl!

    Many tempting questions swirled around their heads, but they couldn’t pick which one to ask. Lucario didn’t wait and raised both of his arms. The Pokémon in the corners followed suit.

    “Wait a minute!” Ian called out. “You just killed her! What's going to happen now that she's dead?”

    “She isn’t completely dead,” Lucario assured. “Her blood is being drained and absorbed by the temple. When the temple is destroyed, she will be revived as a new person, with no memories of who she is...or who we are.”

    “Wait, this temple is going to be destroyed?” Lucy asked. “When?”

    Lucario looked up at the cavern’s ceiling. When he did, Ian and Lucy found more inscriptions, but the inscriptions were bigger and more…alive. “Ian,” Lucario called out, surprising both Ian and Lucy, “once the temple is destroyed, you, Lucy, and Alakazam are going to take the girl and get as far away from here as possible. The rest of the guardians and I are going to stay here to die with the temple.”

    “What?” Ian demanded. “Why do you all have to die?”

    “The temple can only transfer life,” Lucario said. “Reviving a dead a person, specifically the Nexus, needs many sacrifices.”

    The room became dead silent. Lucy ran to Ian’s side when the inscriptions tore themselves off the walls. All the Pokemon, including Lucario and Alakazam, started to chant in an unknown language. The temple started to tremble as the platform glowed and lifted the girl in the air. The inscriptions surrounded the girl in teal light and imprinted themselves on the girl’s body. A high-pitched screech blasted through the girl’s mouth, terrifying Ian and Lucy as they held each other closer.

    The room became pitch black. A thump was heard from the platform. Suddenly, a large object blasted through the ceiling, blinding them with sunlight. More objects crashed through the ceiling, killing the Pokémon they landed on. “Quick! Take her and go!” Lucario commanded before shoving the girl in Ian’s arms. “Run before they hit you too!”

    Ian, who was shaking through the ordeal, quickly found his strength and ran towards the tunnel. Lucy and Alakazam followed closely behind as more meteors plummeted into the cavern. The walls and ceiling started to crumble, and the dust around them made it hard for them to see and breathe. Lucy, horrified as she was, took a moment to glance at Lucario. Lucario gave her a small smile and waved, almost apologetically, before disappearing in a cloud of smoke and fire.

    The meteors started to follow them. The walls started to cave in. “Alakazam, use Protect!” Ian commanded. Alakazam quickly raised her spoons and manifested a shield around the party. Debris threatened to break the shield, but Alakazam managed to keep their protection up until they exited the temple.

    The pillars started to crumble as well, threatening to crush them. The van waited for them, but the ground below it started to tremble. The group was so focused on getting inside the van, they didn’t realize that the ground beneath the temple was sinking. “Let’s go! Let’s go!” Ian shoved the girl in Alakazam’s arms and hopped into the driver’s seat. Alakazam and Lucy went in the back with the girl and quickly slammed the door shut. None of them bothered to wear a seat belt as the van quickly sped out of the scene.

    The girl, who was limp in Alakazam’s arms, started to breathe.
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 20th August 2014 at 7:34 PM.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default

    Hi guys!
    I just wanted to say that I edited a lot of stuff in Chapter 07, so if you started reading earlier and saw big changes later, you'll know why.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    The Deep (Fried) South
    Posts
    5,223

    Default

    He gritted his teeth as he watched the damned creatures fly and run around his grounds. They have no right to be there, he thought, and he should do something about it so they'll twice before trespassing again.

    He saw a Butterfree fly close to him and scowled when it smiled. He growled and clawed in retaliation, making it flutter fearfully away. Who did those creatures think they are? They’re lucky to have these stupid laws protecting them or he would've taken them and--!

    He stopped and took a deep breath. He pictured himself doing the things he would do and exhaled with a sneer. Patience, he told himself. The extermination of these monsters will take time to accomplish; it wasn’t something he can spontaneously do. When these creatures die, they have to be gone for good. None of them will live to see the future; he’ll make sure of that.

    This world wasn’t built to be shared, he growled to himself. This world wasn’t built to be infested with those parasites. Those wretched scums will be wiped from the face of the planet, and humans, for the first time in history, won’t have to share what was rightfully theirs.

    The time is coming, he chuckled. He can feel it.
    I'm curious about who this person is and why he thinks that way...

    Lucy gave him a pained look and stared outside the window. The tension between them was thickening, and the silence made things worse. She knew she shouldn’t but, “Go ahead,” Lucy permitted.

    Ian gave her a quick look. “Go ahead and what?”

    “Go ahead and say it,” Lucy continued. “You were right, I was wrong. If I didn’t insist on going to bed and postpone getting the answers you needed, this wouldn’t have happened. Lucario and the girl would still be in their chambers, and Alakazam would still be with us. It’s all my fault, you can go ahead and say it.”

    To her surprise, Ian grunted in irritation. “Will you stop tearing yourself down?” he demanded. “If it isn’t my fault, it’s yours. If I wasn’t good enough, you weren’t good enough.”

    “But…but I—“

    “And who gives a damn whose fault it is right now?” Ian continued. “This is happening no matter whose fault it is! Even if Alakazam didn’t set them free, we don’t even know if that girl was even human! She could’ve teleported herself and Lucario out of the chambers for all we know and Alakazam probably went after them!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “Still,” she insisted. “If I didn’t—“

    “I said stop it!” Ian snarled. “Stop making it your fault! No matter what you do, Lucario was never going to fess up! If he did say anything, it probably wouldn’t have been the truth! So stop blaming yourself!”

    Lucy stiffened and turned away. Her fists shook and her eyes watered, but she forced herself to be strong. Ian noticed this and sighed. “I hate it when this happens,” he grunted. “I hate it when you blame yourself, I hate it when you make me feel bad for trying to stop you, and I hate how no matter how many times we try to make things work, it always blows up in our face!”

    Lucy bit her lip. “I’m sorry."

    Ian clawed his scalp. “I don’t even know what you’re sorry for!” he told her. “Are you just saying that because you have nothing else to say?”

    “No, no!” Lucy shook her head. “I...I always mess things up!” she proclaimed. “You needed me to help Lucario and the girl, but then I became the reason you turned against them,” she started sobbing at this point. “And now they’re gone because of me, and you might even lose your job because of…” Lucy cupped her mouth to stifle her sobs.

    Ian shook his head. "No, no, no," he muttered and pulled over to the side of the road. “Lucy, look at me,” he ordered. “Look at me, Lucy.”

    When Lucy did what she was told, she jumped back at Ian’s intense gaze. “Stop blaming yourself,” Ian commanded. “I repeat, stop blaming yourself, and wipe those tears away!”

    When Lucy only stared at him in shock, Ian tsked and took out a napkin. When he shoved it in her face, Lucy was forced to take it. “Now you listen to me,” Ian started. “Nothing could’ve prevented this from happening. If you were really something that held me back, I wouldn’t keep asking for your help. And if I didn’t think you were good enough to continue helping me, you wouldn’t be in this van.”

    Ian roughly scratched the back of his head and sighed. “When you try to make me feel better by taking all the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better. When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I’m not the one married to you--why I’m not the one holding you and reminding you how good you are to hate yourself so much.”

    Lucy gasped as Ian’s eyes softened. “No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I just can’t hate you,” he told her. “I’ve tried to hate you, and I know enough that I should. But every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to make you happy.”

    Fresh tears trickled down Lucy’s eyes, but Ian dismissed them and started the engine. “Now let’s find Alakazam,” he said as he returned the van on the road. “I don’t give a damn about Lucario and that girl anymore. I just want Alakazam back.”
    I like this whole interaction. I'm someone with a strong sense of shame and guilt... it's not an on-going thing, I usually like myself very much... but when I feel like I've done something wrong, even if I know I haven't, I feel it intensely. Anyway, my point is that I can definitely relate to Lucy here. It works especially well given earlier comments about how she's struggled with self-confidence. And I like how frustrated Ian gets with the whole thing. I'm getting a clearer and clearer sense of his personality... and it makes me feel like he's really unsuited to his job. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to go into why he was drawn to that particular career in the first place (if he was drawn to it at all and it wasn't just a matter of circumstance or convenience), and how he got so far in it without being fired. Anyway. This conversation shows that while he and Lucy care for each other, their personalities make their relationship kind of destructive. I mean, I seem to have a lot in common with Lucy, and if she's like me, she does not take it well when others get angry at her. The only criticism I have here is that Ian gets rather long-winded in this part:
    Ian roughly scratched the back of his head and sighed. “When you try to make me feel better by taking all the blame, it makes me feel worse, not better. When you put yourself down like that and make yourself miserable, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough to make you feel good enough. It reminds me why I’m not the one married to you--why I’m not the one holding you and reminding you how good you are to hate yourself so much.”

    Lucy gasped as Ian’s eyes softened. “No matter how many times you try to make me hate you, I just can’t hate you,” he told her. “I’ve tried to hate you, and I know enough that I should. But every time I see and think of you, all I remember is how much I love you, and I then I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to make you happy.”
    The problem is that it sounds very practiced... like when you obsess over finding just the right words to say in your head. I used to have my characters talk that way a lot, because I'd work at it until their words described how they felt to a T... but in real life, people rarely get to express themselves so well. Even when they have something rehearsed, the other person doesn't respond right, so you end up going on tangents, or you forget something, and it just doesn't come out right. Also, I wouldn't expect Ian to be so open about his feelings for Lucy, given their previous interactions. Since the narration has access to Ian's feelings, you could still address all this stuff without him having to actually say it all.

    “Lucario, is this necessary?”

    Lucario looked at the girl with determination, but when he saw how watery her eyes were, he quickly turned away. “Yes,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

    “But isn’t there any other way?” the girl insisted. “I promise I’ll never leave th—“

    “There isn’t much time,” Lucario interrupted. “Please, milady, you understand why this is necessary as much as I do. I don’t want to do this either, but it must be done.”

    Tears trickled down the girl’s face as the girl enveloped him into a hug. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered.

    Lucario almost fell apart in her arms. He struggled to keep his own tears back and reminded himself of his duty. This has to be done, he told himself. It wasn’t only for her own good, but the good of everyone else.

    He raised the crystal stake and stabbed it into her heart.
    This was a very sad scene; I really felt for the characters, and I was surprised with the way it ended.

    “Do you want to know what the girl is?” Lucario offered. “Do you want to know why her existence is so important, but must remain unknown?”


    Yes, yes I would.

    “She is dead not to be eliminated, but to be reborn,” Lucario explained. “She has to continue existing in this world, but not in her present state.”

    Ian stared at him in shock. “Reborn?”

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “And when she is reborn, she needs to be under your care.”

    This caused Ian to jump back. “What?” he demanded. “Why me? I thought you were her guardian?”

    At that moment, Lucario looked like he was going to crumble. He trembled his spot and struggled to maintain his composure. The other Pokemon looked almost as uncomfortable as he did. “No,” Lucario managed to utter. “I will not.”

    Ian and Lucy continued to stare at him. “What’s happening, Lucario?” Ian asked. “And tell me the whole truth.”

    Lucario took a deep breath and struggled to look at him. “A war is going to break out between humans and Pokemon,” Lucario told them. “In the end of the war, only one of the species will remain.”

    Ian and Lucy gasped. “What are you talking about?” Lucy asked.

    “It was prophesied from the beginning of time,” Lucario continued. “Our ancestors have passed this down for centuries to us, the Guardians of the Nexus.”

    “Guardians of the Nexus?” Ian repeated.

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “Only a few chosen humans and Pokémon are allowed to know this information. Because you met and assisted us, you were chosen to be guardians too. As guardians, it is our duty to protect the Nexus.”

    “The nexus,” Lucy said. “The link?”

    “Yes,” Lucario said and turned to the girl. “The Nexus is sent to Earth when the time for war is approaching. This way, she will learn how to live in this world and maintain peace between humans and Pokémon. She,” Lucario looked at the girl softly, “is the only reason why humans and Pokemon continue to live in this world together. If someone was to find her and kill her, the killer can decide which specie will live, and which specie will die.”

    Ian and Lucy couldn’t believe what they were hearing. It just wasn’t possible! There was no way their existence can depend so much on a little girl!

    Many tempting questions swirled around their heads, but they couldn’t pick which one to ask. Lucario didn’t wait and raised both of his arms. The Pokémon in the corners followed suit.

    “Wait a minute!” Ian called out. “You just killed her! What's going to happen now that she's dead?”

    “She isn’t completely dead,” Lucario assured. “Her blood is being drained and absorbed by the temple. When the temple is destroyed, she will be revived as a new person, with no memories of who she is...or who we are.”

    “Wait, this temple is going to be destroyed?” Lucy asked. “When?”

    Lucario looked up at the cavern’s ceiling. When he did, Ian and Lucy found more inscriptions, but the inscriptions were bigger and more…alive. “Ian,” Lucario called out, surprising both Ian and Lucy, “once the temple is destroyed, you, Lucy, and Alakazam are going to take the girl and get as far away from here as possible. The rest of the guardians and I are going to stay here to die with the temple.”

    “What?” Ian demanded. “Why do you all have to die?”

    “The temple can only transfer life,” Lucario said. “Reviving a dead a person, specifically the Nexus, needs many sacrifices.”
    This is all very interesting. But I wonder how, exactly, the Nexus can determine something like that? And I wonder how the temple facilitates this reincarnation (or whatever it is). Well, not every little detail has to be explained; it's actually good to leave a little mystery... but fictional worlds do usually need rules to seem believable. None of this is actually criticism, because this isn't the place to explain all that, anyway; having Lucario go into a detailed explanation while the temple is falling apart and he's about to die would seem clumsy. Just something to keep in mind. Actually, though, the reason I want to see explanation is that I'm already interested in what's happening here, and I'm looking forward to learning more about it and seeing where the plot goes from here.

    The girl, who was limp in Alakazam’s arms, started to breathe.
    I read yesterday, but I did catch this edit, and I'm glad to see it. It'd be a shame to have the girl die before she we even get to know her.

    Enjoyed this chapter; it was great to see the ball start rolling and get some explanation!
    These are my fanfics. Read them. Or not, whatever.
    Pokemon Generations: Satsumi's Journey (Chapter 2 Now Up!)
    My Fanfiction.net Profile

    This is my Tumblr. Read it if you are so inclined.
    The Philosophy of Shipping (shipdr.tumblr.com)

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default Chapter 08

    Four years ago...

    “Lucario! Lucario! Come here! Come here!”

    “Milady, what is the matter?” Lucario asked as he ran to the lake. The lake was a large, hidden body of water surrounded by thick trees and bushes. The skies were swirling with colors of orange, pink, and blue, signaling the approaching sunset.

    “Look what I can do!” the girl grinned as she raised her arms. At the motion, bubbles started emerging from the lake and floated all around them. Lucario watched in awe as the bubbles reflected the sunset lights. The girl noticed his approval and grinned wider. “You like it? I’ve been working on it for weeks!”

    “This is impressive, milady,” Lucario admitted, “but did you make sure you weren’t seen?”

    The girl pouted. “Yeah, I made sure no one was around,” she assured. “I also wanted to surprise you!”

    Lucario smiled. “Well I’m glad,” he said, “and very proud.”

    “Just wait and see, Lucario!” the girl winked. “Soon, I’m gonna master all the Pokémon moves in the world, and we’ll be unstoppable! We wouldn’t need to worry about being safe anymore!”

    Lucario frowned at this. “Milady…”

    The girl pouted and stomped in front of him. “I’m tired of being hidden and protected all the time!” the girl stated. “I don’t want to be that fragile thing everyone is always looking out for. If I really am that special, I should learn to defend myself too, you know! You can’t protect me from everything.”

    “I can try,” Lucario remarked. “After all, it is my duty to protect you with my life.”

    “But don’t you want to be more than someone’s bodyguard?” the girl asked. “And everyone else too! Don’t you guys want to travel the world and maybe live with humans? Surely you don’t want to be stuck in the forest hiding me and yourselves for the rest of your lives.”

    “We do what we do because it is our duty,” Lucario reminded. “Remember that the world only exists today because we’re doing our job.”

    The girl frowned. “But…there just has to be something…more…”

    Lucario looked at her solemnly and took her hand. “I’m sorry I cannot promise you anything more than this,” Lucario apologized. “As much as I would like to show you the world, leaving the grounds is far too dangerous. You are safer here with me and the rest of the guardians, and the only thing we want more than anything in this world is for you to be safe. I hope you understand.”

    The girl continued to frown but nodded. “Yes,” she muttered. “I understand.”

    Lucario smiled. “Good,” he said. “Do you have any more moves to show me? If not, I can teach you some.”

    The girl’s eyes brightened. “Really?”

    “Yes,” Lucario nodded. “It is wise to start mastering your powers while you are young.”

    The girl gasped and jumped in the air. “Yes!” she cheered.

    When she did so, a large wave from the lake appeared from behind and hit Lucario with full force. The girl gasped and ran to Lucario, who was groaning on the ground in pain. “Lucario!” she called out as she ran to his side. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that! Are you okay?”

    Lucario shifted uncomfortably at his spot and gave her a stiff nod. He may had been hit with powerful attacks before, but the power the girl has was stronger than anything he could compare. “I’m fine, milady,” he assured. “I just never expected you to learn something as simple as Bubble to something as strong as Surf in such a short period of time.”

    The girl giggled and engulfed him into a hug, which Lucario flinched upon contact. “What can I say?” the girl beamed. “I have an awesome teacher.”

    Lucario smiled at this and patted her arm to return her embrace. “Promise me you’ll help me through this, okay?” he heard her request. “I don’t want to go through this alone.”

    Lucario wondered vaguely if she was still talking about the mastery of her powers, but shook his thoughts away. There wasn’t anything in this world he wouldn’t do for her. “I promise.”


    ---

    Present day.

    “Well at least she’s alive,” Lucy said as she looked at the machine’s readings. “I don’t know how she could’ve survived a stab to the heart and heavy blood loss, but there are always things science can’t explain.”

    Instead of going to the hospital, the group returned to Ian’s lab and hooked the girl into some of the lab equipment. The technology was meant for analyzing and studying Pokémon, but recent events had led them to dismiss whatever objections they had on using them on the girl.

    Since their return from the temple, Ian had been unusually quiet. Nobody said anything during the van ride to the lab, so nobody offered to take the girl to the hospital. In fact, none of them knew exactly what to do right now. As workers of science, none of them knew how to react in the face of something they couldn’t explain. Being a scientist, perhaps Ian was more affected than the rest of them.

    When they entered the room they were in right now, Lucy immediately knew what Ian was planning to do. Today may had raised more questions than it answered, but Ian persisted on finding answers somehow in some way.

    After hooking the girl into some of the machines’ wires, Ian proceeded to type, push, and pull whatever he needed to gain the information he wanted. Alakazam thought about making tea to ease the tension, but decided to stay instead. Who knows what she would miss if she left?

    The machine was taking a while to get information, which was unusual considering how fast technology was built to function in this time period. Everyone was silent yet again, and Lucy was starting to get sick of it. She didn’t want to get lost in her thoughts because she might recall today's previous events, but she started remembering things anyway, and something came to mind.

    “You know,” she started. “Today’s medicine has really progressed because of Pokémon. The medicine I gave the girl to get rid of her weaknesses came from the chemicals extracted from Pokémon’s Refreshes and Recovers. The relaxants I used to steady her heart beat are chemicals from moves like Aromatherapy. Many other things that I’ve used on the girl and my patients are made with the generosity of the Pokémon we work with. Why would someone try to end the relationship we have with them?”

    Ian didn’t say anything, but Lucy knew he heard her because he became even more distracted by his thoughts than before. Lucy looked at Alakazam, and she had the same concern in her eyes as she did. She then wondered what it would be like if she and Alakazam faced off against each other, and then cringed at the thoughts. What a horrible fate it would be to fight with such a good friend.

    Soon after, the machine beeped to signal its finished results. When the group looked at the information it offered, they were disappointed. The machine spoke out in a male voice, announcing its findings.

    “Species: Unknown”

    “This isn’t possible,” Ian growled to himself.

    “Can it at least tell how old the girl is?” Lucy offered.

    Ian noted her suggestion and typed on the machine’s keyboard.

    “Age: 10”

    The group sighed, relieved they know at least one thing about the girl. Ian then got an idea and continued to type on the keyboard.

    “Gender: Female”

    “Blood Type: Unknown”

    “Skin Color: White”

    “Hair Color: Black”

    “Eye Color: Violet”

    Ian raised an eyebrow at this. He did remember seeing the girl with violet eyes, but didn’t think much of it until now. It was very rare for someone to have violet eyes, human or Pokémon.

    With technology alone, it was almost impossible to know more about the girl until she wakes up. With Lucario no longer around, no one could stop them from knowing who she really was.

    Ian frowned at the memory of the aura Pokémon. He and the Pokémon may not have had a great start, but his sudden death was a tragedy that prevented them from amending things. Now that he thought about it, he and Lucario had a lot in common. If the circumstances were better, they would’ve been friends.

    Ian tapped certain icons on the machine’s screen to save their newly-found data. “Lucy, what’s today's date?”

    Lucy took out her phone and checked the screen. “February 9th, 3045."

    “Thank you,” Ian acknowledged before typing the date on the file name slot. He thought about naming the file after the girl, but decided against it. He wouldn’t know what to type anyway.

    “Ian,” Lucy called out as she neared the girl. “She’s waking up.”

    Ian and Alakazam jumped at their spots before the three of them approached the girl. The girl laid on a padded platform and had many wires and needles stuck to her skin. The three of them were anxious. The last time the girl awoken, she attacked them. How would she react if she saw them now?

    When the girl opened her eyes, the three held their breath. Her violet eyes shone weakly but curiously, no traces of anger or fear present. “Where am I?” she asked. “And who are you?”

    Lucy shifted in her spot. “You don’t remember who we are?”

    “No,” the girl shook her head. She then looked down, her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened darkly.

    “What’s the matter?” Lucy asked.

    The girl looked up. “Who am I?” she quietly asked.

    The world stopped all around them. At least, that’s what it felt like. All hope of knowing the identity of the girl vanished. The group stared at her in disbelief, and the girl started to feel uncomfortable.

    Lucy shook her head. “You don’t remember who you are?” she asked her.

    “No,” the girl muttered. “I don’t…I don’t remember anything…”

    The group then gasped when tears started streaming down the girl’s face. The girl didn’t seem to notice this however, as she clutched her chest and stared at the air in pain. Her body shook, and Lucy instinctively placed a hand on her small shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Lucy asked. “Does your chest hurt?”

    The girl gulped as tears continued to stream down her chest. “I-I don’t know,” she stammered. “I just…I just f-feel so empty. A-and my h-heart hurts and I-I don’t know w-why…”

    Ian immediately understood but said nothing. When Lucy looked at him, he only said, “Lucario.”

    This got the girl to look at him. “W-what did you say?” she asked.

    “Your friend died to protect you,” Ian told her. “He’s the reason why you’re here today. You may not remember him, but your heart does. That’s why it’s hurting, because he isn’t here anymore.”

    More tears streamed down the girl’s face as her eyes widened in shock. She still didn’t know what he was talking about, but deep down she knew. She knew somehow.

    “Alaka”

    The girl gasped when she acknowledged Alakazam’s presence. She was a bit alarmed by how different she was, but the more she looked at the psychic Pokémon, the less different she viewed her to be. “Alakazam,” Alakazam introduced herself.

    The girl blinked. “I-is that your name?”

    “Alaka,” Alakazam nodded.

    The girl giggled as more tears streamed down her eyes. “Nice to meet you, Alakazam,” she whispered.

    “My name is Lucy,” Lucy introduced herself with a friendly smile, “and the man beside me is Ian. He and Alakazam found you when you were sick and brought you here to take care of you.”

    The girl looked at the both of them warily. Lucy offered her a warm smile, but Ian continued to stare at her. “Nice to meet you both,” she muttered awkwardly. “I wish I could tell you my name, but…”

    “Violet”

    The girl blinked and turned to Ian. “W-what?”

    “Your eyes are violet,” Ian stated. “Having violet eyes is very rare. Names define who you are, so if you were to name yourself, you should name yourself by something you have that many others don’t possess.”

    The girl looked down at the ground and thought it through. Then she turned to Ian again with a gaze that almost broke his blank exterior. “What do my eyes look like?” she asked.

    “Oh,” Lucy took out her phone and turned on the frontal camera.

    When she gave it to the girl, the girl looked into it and noticed many things. Her short black hair was disheveled, her skin was dirty, and she was covered with wires and patches. But then she looked at her eyes and saw that despite how watery her eyes were, the violet irises shone vibrantly. “I like them,” the girl looked up from the phone and smiled at them. “They’re pretty.”

    “They sure are,” Lucy returned. “So do you want us to call you Violet?”

    The girl nodded. “Yup!” she beamed, surprising the three with her sudden boost of energy. “Nice to meet you everyone!” she said. “My name is Violet!”
    Last edited by ChewieJ; 27th August 2014 at 7:33 PM.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default

    Hey everyone!
    I just wanted to let you guys know that all the chapters have been updated.
    Don't worry, no serious changes were made.
    I only corrected the grammar and diction so you guys can have an easier read.

    Thank you guys for reading! I'll post the next chapter next week or so, but until then, have a nice day!

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    New Tork City
    Posts
    7,745

    Default

    I'm catching up on all the chapters I missed at once, so my reviews are going to be a bit less detailed than usual. Please forgive me.

    July 4 chapter: Interesting one, I think it may be my favorite so far. I say this because the plot feels as if it has advanced more in that one chapter alone than the rest of the story combined. We get to see some intriguing conflict between Ian and Lucy/Ian and Lucario, we get to see Lucario's devotion to the girl, and we finally get to see the first touches of why the girl is so important. That ending was a great twist.

    July 11 chapter: Hmmm, Ian's a bit confrontational for a rescue worker. Although, perhaps this is a good way to diversify what's going on, by not making him a goody two-shoes type. I do like the interactions between Ian and Lucario that I'm seeing. Ian's threat to have scientists experiment on Lucario (that's how interpreted that) is rather intense, perhaps too much so. Didn't expect Matthew to make an appearance; that's certainly not helping the tension.

    July 18 chapter: Lucy's observations on how Ian affects her are an interesting way to open the chapter. They provide her with a good character development moment, and these things could lead to some interesting places. Werner immediately feels menacing to me, especially because of the detail of his eyes being "dead" and "blank." I sense he will be an antagonist in the future? The pressure Werner puts on Ian may explain Ian's aggressive behavior. It looks like Matthew might be an obstacle to the safety of Lucario and the girl, too. The punchline at the end of the Matthew/Lucy scene was a little odd, but I did smile. A twist at the end... now that caught me hard.

    August 2 chapter: That opening is a little strange, but I want to see where it goes. Ian's aggressiveness is really off-putting here; I can kind of understand why he's so upset in this situation, but it's still a bit much, as is the relationship drama when bigger things are going on. Whoa, did Lucario just sacrifice the girl? That was not something I saw coming at all. Alakazam's use of her spoon as a flashlight/torch is clever. Did Lucario somehow turn Alakazam against them? And here comes the explanation. I didn't expect a Pokemon/human war, not at all, even though maybe I should have. The concept of the Nexus and how she can be reborn is clever, I like it. I didn't think Lucario would be killed off this soon.

    August 18 chapter: Ooh, a flashback. This is a good way to show some of what the girl was like. Her child-like wonder gives me a smile, hopefully her new incarnation can still have it. The way she used her powers back then is interesting too.

    The technology was meant for analyzing and studying Pokémon, but recent events have led them to dismiss whatever objections they had on using them on the girl.
    "had led them to dismiss..."

    This sentence started in past tense, so it has to be "had," not "has."

    I like that Alakazam can make tea. Not sure why, I just like it.

    I also like that Lucy is pondering what Lucario's warning means. That shows that these events do not happen in a vacuum.

    Ian raised an eyebrow at this. He did remember seeing the girl with violet eyes, but didn’t think much of it until now. It’s very rare for someone to have violet eyes, human or Pokémon.
    Another tense problem. "Violent eyes were very rare to have, whether for human or Pokemon."

    With technology alone, it’s almost impossible to know more about the girl until she wakes up. With Lucario no longer around, no one can stop them from knowing who she really was.
    Same thing here. You're writing in past tense, so you need to stick to it.

    Ian tapped certain icons on the machine’s screen to save their newly-found data. “Lucy, what’s the today's date?”
    No need for "the" before "today."

    There's one thing that sticks me about memory loss like this. She only forgot her own past? Clearly she still remembers things like how to speak, as she's completely fluent immediately.

    When she gave it to the girl, the girl looked into it and noticed many things. Her short black hair is disheveled, her skin was dirty, and she was covered with wires and patches. But then she looked at her eyes and saw that despite how watery her eyes were, the violet irises shone vibrantly.
    Another place where the tense slips.

    And with that, I'm all caught up. I admit, I do still have some concerns that may or may not come true, but overall, I'm enjoying it. The plot has me drawn in, and the characters are gradually improving. I'm interested to see where everything goes. Just make some effort to polish everything up with the tenses.

    (Banner by Matori)
    Beyond all ideals, the truth shall set you free...
    Most Recent: 18: Winter of Discontent
    Next: The Weight of the World (Part 1)

    The steps on the road to the truth.
    The Firestorm Rebellion
    The Victory Star of Fate


    Glacidia Network - The Home for Fanworks
    Best Wishes appreciation blog

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    California, USA
    Posts
    31

    Default

    Thanks to The Great Butler for his input!
    I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far and appreciate you taking the time to catch up

    I just updated Chapter 08!
    I also want to thank you for pointing out my mistakes. Sometimes I get so tired during the day that I overlook my mistakes.
    The next chapter will be up soon.
    Until then, have a good day!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •