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Thread: Escape from LAVENDER TOWN

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
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    Lumiose Gym
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    306

    Default Escape from LAVENDER TOWN

    Hi everybody! Had this fan-fiction idea in my head for awhile and I thought I'd share it with the forums!

        Spoiler:- Intro:


    I'll update when ready, reviews are welcome. :)

    Saaatoshi!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    7

    Default

    For now it's way too short. The rules say it has to be around two pages on Word minimum. Right now it's basically just the opening paragraph.

    Also this bit: "If it wasn’t for me, he would have stayed home instead of go on a Pokémon adventure."

    It should be: "If it hadn't been for me" since it's 3rd conditional.

    If you have the rest of the chapter written you should edit your post with it now before this thread is closed.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    Off doing something important
    Posts
    4,900

    Default

    Actually, there is technically no minimum length requirement for a prologue (I assume this is essentially a prologue). That said, it's common sense that a couple paragraphs is too short, especially considering how much potential there is to expand on the details and give the story segment some meat.

    Anyhow, you should have read the Fan Fiction Rules before posting, because they also specifically say to skip a line between paragraphs. In addition, a new paragraph begins each time a new person speaks.

    You also need to work on adding description. You start off with a neat first few sentences as introduction to grip your reader...but then nothing else follows. This is your first chance to make an impression of Lavender Town on your readers, make them feel the same emotions your characters feel, but you miss out on the opportunity. Description is your friend; you want to describe the sights, the sounds, even the smells that your characters experience to transport a reader into the story. what time of day is it, what temperature is it outside, how big is the city, how noise is it, what does it smell like? Are they on the main concrete road into the city or a dirt path? Are they tired from days of walking or feeling fresh and chipper? These are all things you should be exploring with description, because otherwise your story is flat and boring, and it's hard to empathize with the characters and go along for the ride. also, keep in mind that it's Lavender Town, not City. Also, you should try to give at least a basic description of characters.

    The relationship between the characters is interesting, though; their interactions are amusing and it sounds like they have an interesting history. That said, you should find better ways of introducing said backstory - just kind of throwing in "oh yeah I'm the reason he left on a journey" is a pretty boring way to give your readers information. Check out the Show Don't Tell thread in the Authors' Cafe for remedies for this.

    As for the last bit of information which you pretty much glossed over...what? This is actually incredibly significant, and you're going to have a hard time making readers suspend their belief and accept that "oh yeah, this trainer is actually a Mew with probably two dozen unnecessarily convenient magical powers."

    To be blunt, this is the setup for an over-powered, self-insert Mary-Sue. If you want to write a story about a Mew disguising itself as a human pre-teen to go on a journey, then go ahead, write it. But if you're trying to write about two kids stuck in a creepy town, you're going to have a tough time fitting this kind of subplot in, especially since it looks like it's just there to make things convenient for the characters. Aside from having ~amazing magical powers~, having everything be super convenient for your character is another indicator of a Mary-Sue, a character type you want to avoid at all costs. And really, what the heck is a legendary Pokemon doing pretending to be a human pre-teen and convincing some random kid to go on a Pokemon journey? How is this in any way relevant to the stuck in a creepy town story? What purpose could it possible provide aside from just being there to be cool and awesome? At it's core, the problem is essentially that it looks like you can just swap the Mew-protagonist for a normal human and it would be the exact same story.


    Anyhow, you need to take this story back to the drawing board. It's too short, so I'm closing it either way. You need to work on the description anyway, but if you want to be taken seriously in the writing community, you'd best rethink your Mew character before it becomes an unfixable Mary-Sue. Keep that flair for dialogue, though! Good luck,

    ~Psychic

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