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  1. #1
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    Default Birth of a Hero.

    Welcome to my first fic and I hope you enjoy the ride.

    Rated PG-13/14/15ish for violence.

    PM list: Klizcool

    Prologue

    One cold stormy night in the Almia region inside a fortress a young married couple were arguing. "But why can't we come with you?" asked the women holding a baby.

    "I told you honey it's to protect you and the baby. They're sending hit-men after the team because of what we did to their organization... They've already found and killed everyone else except us." the man said with a dark expression.

    "You mean everyone's gone? How? Nobody except the League and us knew where to find them!" the wife exclaimed waking the baby in her arms. The woman began to hum a tune and the baby began to slowly fall asleep again.

    "They found them because of a traitor..." the man growled while putting on a cloak.

    "Who would do such a thing after everything that we've all been through together?" the woman asked.

    The man waited to finished putting his cloak on and started to strap two Dao swords to his back before saying, "I don't know who did it or why they did it, but I talked it over with Razor and he agreed with me to hunt them down before they find you and the baby."

    "As long as he's going I'm fine with that since I know you and that Scyther have been in tougher situations together..." the woman started before she busted into tears. "I'm sorry honey, it's just I don't want to lose you!" the woman sobbed.

    The man drew her into his arms to comfort her and then kissed her on her forehead and said, "Its ok baby, I'll be back soon and then we can go wherever you want to go so we can get away from the world and there we can raise our son."

    The woman seemed to settle down after hearing her husband say that and then she said, "You already know where I want to go... the White Forest where there is so much beautiful wild life and no one to judge us for carrying our Pokemon companions in Pokeballs."

    "Alright, as soon as I come back I'll make a few calls; see if I can cash in some old favors and get us moved there. Just remember our emergency plan in case someone tries to get in here while I'm gone..." the man said before his wife interrupted him.

    "I know, I know don't open the door for anyone without the code word and don't try and fight if they do get in just run out one of the other doors, jump on Rapidash, ride to the forest where your old acquaintance is, and ask to hide with him. If he refuses remind him how many favors he owes you." quoted the woman like she had done it a hundred times.

    "Good, now I have a going away present for little man there." said the man while taking off a necklace with a tree emblem on it. "I wanted to give this to him when he came of age, but I think tonight would be a better night to do so." the man said as he put the necklace around his infant son's neck.

    "Honey, are you sure you want to give that to him?" the woman asked.

    "Yes, I'm sure. For as long as someone pure of heart has that necklace there will always be a hope against the shadows that we fought so hard against to defeat..." the man said started before he thought he heard something other than the howl of the wind and the pounding of the rain. Wait a second the rain doesn't pound that hard even if someones pissed off Kyogre... the man thought before the front door of the fortress was busted open and a huge man in a black cloak stepped inside followed by a Machamp that was just a little bit taller than the cloaked man.

    "Knock, knock." said the intruder.

    "You!" exclaimed the man and his wife at the same time.

    "Yes, me. Who else do you think could have hunted all of you down and successfully taken care of them? the intruder said while laughing maliciously.

    "Traitor!" yelled the man while throwing a Pokeball releasing Scyther and then drawing his dual swords.

    "Now is that how you'd welcome an old friend?" asked the man while drawing a dagger.

    "You're no friend of mine anymore! You murdered all of our friends in cold blood... your a monster! Honey, get out of here just like we planned I'll find you after Razor and I take care of them!" the man yelled while he and Razor charged simultaneously at the other man and his Machamp. The woman just stood there paralyzed with fear and watched her husband and his Pokemon charge into battle. The intruder just scoffed at the man and said,

    "This same old style? Really, you'd think that someone like you would at least not do something so predictable every single time." while dodging all the other man's sword strokes at the same time "Machamp, just Shadow Rush the Scyther until he looks like a splat of a bug on my windshield." the black cloaked man commanded. The Scyther tried to dodge but he eventually got hit by the powerful attack crushing him.

    "Razor, No!" yelled the man, but by looking at his partner one last time gave the black cloaked man just the moment he needed to stab the man in the chest making the man scream in agony and with his dying breath he told his wife, "Run and don't come back for me!" The woman snapping to her senses rushes for the other door with the baby in one arm and a Pokeball in another, but as she released the Rapidash she handed the baby to the fire horse and asked,

    "Carry him to the place where I showed you to go in case of something like this happened." The Rapidash, understanding what the woman was going to do, took the child and placed him in a basket that was on her side made just for the boy and took off running as fast as she could in the rain. The woman watched the Rapidash run off before turning around, but the man was no longer where her dead husband and his Scyther lay. Where is he?! the woman thought worriedly right before a big hand seized her by the neck from behind and lifted her off the ground.

    "Where did that Rapidash take the baby?!" demanded the black cloaked man, but the only response he got was a really well placed and extremely hard kick in between the legs making the man rease her and fall to him to her knees.

    "Like I'd tell you! You..." the woman spat before the black cloaked man's Machamp snapped her neck.

    When the man could finally stand he said, "Why'd you do that? We need to know where that Rapidash took the baby!" He just got a four-armed shrug from the Pokemon.

    Meanwhile, the Rapidash had traveled several miles and was almost to the forest where there would be a safe-haven for the child, but she was getting tired and the rain wasn't helping things either. Just when the Rapidash thought she could not run no more she spotted the edge of the vast forest, which was her destination. "Thank Arceus!" thought the fire horse.

    "Or you could thank me for guiding you." said a voice inside her mind.

    "Great now I'm hearing things..." thought the Rapidash

    "No, your not hearing things. I'm a Psychic-type, a Celebi to be more precise. I'm also the guardian of this forest and I know who you seek to take the boy to, but before you do I want to see the child first." said the voice.

    Of course my lord, but may I so boldly ask what for? the Rapidash thought as formally as she could so she didn't offend the legendary.

    "There is no need to be so formal and yes you can ask. I want to give my blessing to this child so that it might be an easier path for him to walk... for the necklace he bares may one day be in need of being used again." replied the Celebi.

    "I'll be there shortly, but how will I know that I am at my destination?" asked the Rapidash.

    "Oh, that'll be easy because your already there." said the Celebi with a chuckle.

    "Oh..." the Rapidash looking up and seeing that she was in a clearing in the forest with a shrine in the middle of it and there on top of the shrine was a little green fairy that she guessed was the Celebi.

    "May I see the child now?" asked the fairy Pokemon.

    "Yes, here he is." said the fire horse while gently pulling the baby out of his basket, but the baby woke up and started crying.

    "Hand him here I know how to make him stop." said the Celebi and once he held the crying baby the green fairy started to hum his mothers song to him instantly quieting the child. "There now everything is going to be just fine now little one." the forest guardian said while placing a hand on the baby's head and closed his eyes as a blinding light enveloped him and the child. "There it is done."

    "My lord, what exactly did did you do?" the fire horse asked curiously.

    "I worked an ancient magic that very few remember,but I'm not sure what the effects of it will be so I'll just have to keep a close eye on him over the years." replied the Celebi. In fact I'm going to take him to the man that your looking for now.

    "My lord, what about me?" asked the Rapidash.

    "Your task is done and since your partner is dead you are free to live wherever and however you want." the green fairy said.

    "I want to watch over the boy as he grows up." the Rapidash replied.

    "Very well, stay here while I take the boy to the Pokemon poacher." said the Celebi

    "He's a Pokemon poacher!" exclaimed the Rapidash.

    Yes, I thought you knew this, but I guess not. Don't worry about the boy he'll be safer with the poacher than anyone else at this time. said the Celebi while flying away toward the poacher's compound.

    Reaching the compound the legendary green fairy beat on the poacher's door, left the baby in a basket, and then quickly flew away. The poacher opened the door and saw the child and stooped down and picked him up. "Where did you come from little one?" the poacher thought and then he noticed the necklace around the infant's neck. "Where have I seen that before? the poacher wondered and then he remembered a promise he had made he began to drift into a flash back.

    "Now Jason, remember that if my child or wife ever show up on your doorstep." said the baby's father.

    "I know, I know 'that I owe you one' and I can know its them because they'll be wearing that necklace of yours." Jason said.

    Jason snaps out of his flash back to see the child was awake and staring at him expectantly with bright forest green eyes. Jason could not help, but feel bad realizing that if the child was here alone that the worse had happened... both of his parents are dead and one of their Pokemon must have brought him here. "Don't worry little fella; I'll take care of you now. I'm guessing that I'm going to have to name you since I can't find a name on you... How about 'Trysten' since you've had such a sorrowful start in life." knowing he won't get a response from the child, Jason took the child inside to see if he could find any Miltank milk for his new surrogate son.

    Once the poacher had taken the baby that he named Trysten, the Celebi flew down out of his hiding spot and said "Thus beginning your journey to becoming the hero that will battle all the shadows in the world."

    *******

    Note: Thanks to Glover and Blazi for helping me by proofreading. I'll try to get chapter 1 posted tomorrow.
    Last edited by Wartiger97; 2nd October 2012 at 1:08 AM.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  2. #2
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    Something about this seems very Harry Potter like

    Overall, a great story. The bit that you showed us is the premises for a story that will slowly develop into a deep story line. You've introduced many topics that no doubt will be further explained as the story unfolds. If you're going to start a PM List, add me to it please.

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  3. #3
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    This is absolutely amazing. I haven't found any grammatical errors and the description is excellent. I loved the mentioning of one of my favorite Water-types. (Kyogre) I hope to see much more soon.
    Eevees are beast-mode. Nuff said.

  4. #4
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    Thank you and yes, I'll try and do a pm list.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  5. #5
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    For a first fan fic I thought it was pretty good. A lot of it was good in detail and the part where Rapidash saved the baby pulled me in.


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  6. #6
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    I may not be able to post chapter 1 today like I thought... I'll try but my teacher really piled on the homework today sorry.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  7. #7
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    Okay, like most of my reviews, I'll start off with the mechanics.

    "I told you honey it's to protect you and the baby."


    "Who would do such a thing after everything that we've all been through together?"

    "I'll be back soon and then we can go wherever you want to go so we can get away from the world and there we can raise our son."
    And many other instances throughout. This dialogue is lacking commas, and that makes it sound a little breathless and rushed. The trick that I use is to say each bit of dialogue aloud as you write, or at least say it in your head. Wherever there is a pause due to the lilt of the human voice, an intake of breath between phrases, insert a comma. So for example, "I'll be back soon and then we can go wherever you want to go so we can get away from the world and there we can raise our son."
    would read much easier as
    "I'll be back soon, and then we can go wherever you want to go so we can get away from the world, and there we can raise our son."

    See the difference? Many new writers don't use commas like they should, because in much of the writing they have done to that point (mostly formal essays for school) commas are not quite that common. But in fiction, the comma is an essential tool.

    "...but I think tonight would be a better night to do so." the man said as he put the necklace around his infant son's neck.
    The punctuation mark at the end of the quote should be a period, not a comma.

    "Yes, I'm sure. For as long as someone pure of heart has that necklace there will always be a hope against the shadows that we fought so hard against to defeat..." the man said started before he thought he heard something other than the howl of the wind and the pounding of the rain. Wait a second the rain doesn't pound that hard even if someones pissed off Kyogre... the man thought before the front door of the fortress was busted open and a huge man in a black cloak stepped inside followed by a Machamp that was just a little bit taller than the cloaked man.
    This entire paragraph sounds awkward, clunky and rushed.

    "Yes, me. Who else do you think could have hunted all of you down and successfully taken care of them? the intruder said while laughing maliciously.
    Missing the closing quotation marks.

    You murdered all of our friends in cold blood... your a monster!
    Should be you're, not your. Your denotes possession, so "your Scyther". You're is the contraction of "you are".

    The Rapidash, understanding what the woman was going to do, took the child and placed him in a basket that was on her side made just for the boy and took off running as fast as she could in the rain
    Might want to explain how a Rapidash, who does not have hands, manages this.

    making the man rease her and fall to him to her knees.
    um, what?

    Meanwhile, the Rapidash had traveled several miles and was almost to the forest where there would be a safe-haven for the child [...] Just when the Rapidash thought she could not run no more she spotted the edge of the vast forest, which was her destination.
    redundant

    "No, your not hearing things."
    see earlier your/you're thing

    "Oh, that'll be easy because your already there." said the Celebi with a chuckle.

    "Oh..." the Rapidash looking up and seeing that she was in a clearing in the forest with a shrine in the middle of it and there on top of the shrine was a little green fairy that she guessed was the Celebi.
    This breaks your unity of time and place. One minute the Rapidash is at the edge of the forest, and the next she's in the very heart of it. If it was teleportation, say so. If she kept walking, say so.

    Around when Rapidash and Celebi are talking about the poacher, you take the italics out of quotation marks, though it's obvious they are still speaking. Pick one method and keep it unified.

    he began to drift into a flash back.

    "Now Jason, remember that if my child or wife ever show up on your doorstep." said the baby's father.

    "I know, I know 'that I owe you one' and I can know its them because they'll be wearing that necklace of yours." Jason said.

    Jason snaps out of his flash back
    *cringes at use of term flashback*
    the concept works well in visual storytelling (i.e., comic books, manga, television), but in literature, try to avoid calling it a flashback. While he can remember, find a better way to do it than calling it a flashback. Like, "Jason remembered the conversation like it was yesterday, though it was many years ago" or something that I didn't pull out of my arse two seconds ago. Also, in the above passage you have a tense issue, switching briefly into present tense before jumping back to past.

    that if the child was here alone that the worse had happened... both of his parents are dead and one of their Pokemon must have brought him here.
    kind of convenient he can put together exactly what happened with pretty much no evidence.

    "How about 'Trysten' since you've had such a sorrowful start in life"
    Number one, not a big fan of the whole meaningful names to start with, but number two, how does Trysten relate to sorrow? And finally, number three, naming a child is a big deal, even a foundling child you're obligated to adopt. You don't sigh, resign yourself to it and say "all right, I'll call you x." (unless you happen to be in a Dickensian story, but Jason doesn't exactly seem the oppressive workhouse-owner/orphanage-keeper type)

    Onto content and stuff...

    For starters:
    This whole thing seems like a massive infodump. In a way, that's exactly what prologues are, but it's the writer's job to make them interesting and compelling and not bore the reader by randomly tossing around information in an artificial way. I'd say you're about halfway there.

    Also, the writing seems rather choppy. Dialogue is a little stilted and overdramatic, but everyone is when they first get started. And finally, and I know this is a personal choice on your part, but the whole blessing thing... it's been done.

    As I know I've told you before, in the modern epoch, readers like heroes who aren't perfect, because we aren't perfect. Being blessed by a magical spirit and destined for greatness from birth, while probably fun to write about and nice for a little while from the reader's perspective, becomes tiresome quickly. To put in perspective, we as a society are now more partial to the Harry Dresden/Oliver Twist hero than someone like, say Aragorn, or even Jesus if you look at the Bible as a literary text. We want someone who overcomes their past and chooses to become great on their own, taking up the mantle of their own destiny, rather than have that destiny etched in the stars.
    Last edited by Firebrand; 3rd October 2012 at 9:17 PM.
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