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Thread: Self deception (自欺欺人)

  1. #1
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    Default Self deception (自欺欺人)

    Well this is my first fic, so plz point out the mistakes for me if there are any. And you won't get a clue of what's happening in the 1st chap. so plz help me out sometimes if you're great at fan fics. >x<

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    1. The First Dream

    Night lay upon the forest of the hill. There was no moon, but the stars of the Milky Way shed their frosty glitter over the trees. At the top of the hill, a thick mist covered the star shine.

    Wind sighed softly through the trees and ruffled the quiet surface of the water puddles. At the mountain path was I.

    I didn't know where I am, what place is this.

    The thick mist around, so thick that I couldn't see the ground, the surroundings…

    "Where am I?" I asked myself.

    I started walking, walking, and looking for people who could help me.

    As I walked, I heard crumbling sounds of rocks, and the sounds of pokemons running through bushes.

    Then suddenly...

    I started to fall. I couldn't feel the ground anymore. I was starting to fall from a cliff or something. But I hung on to a branch (I think so).

    The mist started to clear by then.

    I was terrified of what I saw. I was hanging onto a branch, of a cliff.

    Bellow me was a deep pit (I think so X-X), it was dark, so deep that you couldn't see anything below.

    I was so scared. I didn’t want to die yet. I still had Pokemon Contest to sign for. I still had to win the Grand Festival.

    I used my left hand to reach for her Pokemons, while my right hand hung onto the branch.

    I couldn't feel my Pokeballs, they're gone, and I'm hopeless.

    I opened my mouth. Wanted to cry for help, but nothing came out.

    I was frightened; I didn't know what to do.

    Then I saw someone, and I knew him.

    "Help me, please!” I cried.

    No answer.

    "Help me! Please!" I shouted this time.

    Still no answer.

    I knew he's there, he heard me.

    "Please!"

    I trusted him.

    Drip

    Crack Crack

    The branch I was holding broke.

    I started falling.

    Aaaahhhhhh!

    All I see now is darkness.

    I closed my eyes. I didn't want to be like that.

    I opened my eyes once again.

    I was in my room at the Pokemon Center. I was in my bed. Safe.

    It was only a dream, a nightmare.

    As I looked around the room, I found a vase with a rose inside it.

    He again.

    I smiled at the rose, and go back to sleep again


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    What do u think?? I know it's not great. >x<

    PM list:
    Kellykwan
    May_Beautifly

    Plz give comments.
    Last edited by Amazingkiss; 24th May 2006 at 12:50 PM.
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  2. #2
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    I don't know if I'm good at fanfics...but I'll just help out...with pointing out the mistakes. XD Anyway, what is this???

    “Where am I?” I asked myself.
    What is that thing before the 'W'? It's either my laptop I'm using now is spoiled, or you typed wrongly...

    “Help me! Please!” I shouted this time.
    Again, what is that thing before the 'H'?

    I knew he’s there, he heard me.
    What is that thing before the 's'?

    What do u think?? I know it's not great. >x<
    It's nice! Though...does this have anything to do with shippings? 'Cause, this is about YOU, and not SHIPPINGS, right? Then...post this in the Fan Fiction thread, not Shipping Thread. But if it does have anything to do with shippings...then forget about what I said >.< Anyway, just to say, keep up the good work! I loved it! Put me on the PM list, please? You are even better then how I started on my first fic...XD
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  3. #3
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    This is not about me. It's juz that I haven't said who is "I" yet. You'll know soon. and thx!!
    ~Xanga~FanFic~Banner Shop~Request Shop~Website~Forum~



    [Current FavAnime: Law of Ueki]
    <Bishie~Susei Suki of Rozen Maiden>
    -FavMusic~Last Moment by Elf Kingdom-
    xFriends with~ Cecilia, Rainbowislands, FreedomX10A, Flareon etc x
    : Pair~Sneaky/ Twins:ShadowCloud62:
    ~Ships that I support~Contestshipping, Gossipshipping, Pokeshipping~
    *Banners: By Me*

  4. #4
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    This is not about me. It's juz that I haven't said who is "I" yet. You'll know soon. and thx!!
    Okay...I wonder who is that 'I'...XD Want to know what I'm thinking?

    In my mind:

    Please let it be May and Drew! May and Drew! MAY AND DREW! -screams-

    Out of my mind...

    XD -laughs out loud- I'm obsessed with Contestshipping... Is it someone from Pok幦on?
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  5. #5
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    Here's the chapter 2, and r&e ah! >w<

    -----------------------------------------
    2.Introduction
    Its a big, big world out here, boys and girls, gym battles and Pokemon Contest.
    My name is May.
    Heres something you should know: Im now inside my room of the Pokemon Center, in Claude City of the Nanami Region.
    And check out my Coordinator Card:

    Two!! Isnt that too little??
    Well, I got more than two, but I left the others at home and Professor Oaks lab.
    As I got myself dressed up, I looked at the rose in the vase.
    I sighed. Talking about roses, made me think about Drew.
    Drew is actually my rival. Hes cute and cool, and liked teasing me when I messed up. He always at least had one rose with him. And I really wanna knew how much money did he spend on buying roses??? Now heres a little secret: I have a little crush on him (>w<), but please help me kept secret, ok??
    Or else, turned this window off go back and look into other things else, or maybe go back finishing your homework off.
    I packed up my pokeballs and my personal belongings. Then I walked out of my room, as I put the rose into my pocket, and headed for the lift.
    Attached Images Attached Images
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    [Current FavAnime: Law of Ueki]
    <Bishie~Susei Suki of Rozen Maiden>
    -FavMusic~Last Moment by Elf Kingdom-
    xFriends with~ Cecilia, Rainbowislands, FreedomX10A, Flareon etc x
    : Pair~Sneaky/ Twins:ShadowCloud62:
    ~Ships that I support~Contestshipping, Gossipshipping, Pokeshipping~
    *Banners: By Me*

  6. #6
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    YES!!! XD From the first chapter, there was a rose in the vase and I thought,
    'Doesn't this look familliar?' and I remembered about Drew. Then, I looked at how you reply to Contestshipping fics, and then I knew you liked Contestshipping. For the third, your avatar says it all. CONTESTSHIPPING! YAY! I can't wait for the next chapter!
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  7. #7
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    Amazingkiss, you seriously need to make those chapters of yours a lot longer. The rules clearly state that stories need to be at least a page long - that goes for chapters too. *closes*
    Last edited by Encyclopika; 26th May 2006 at 7:30 PM.
    Encyclopika's Fic of the Moment:

    Status: Chaptered | R | Contestshipping | Finished

    Encyclopika:
    Made the banner
    Is a GIRL. >.>;;
    Has a deviantART account and a Tumblr
    Is on Fanfiction.net.
    Need a moveset for a specific Pokemon for a specific contest? PM me!
    Don't reply to my infractions. It's not gonna change anything.

    Random friend requests do nothing. Let's actually talk first. >_<

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