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Thread: I'm sorry...(AshxMisty One-shot Rated PG)

  1. #1
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    Smile I'm sorry...(AshxMisty One-shot Rated PG)

    Okay...just posting up one of my Pokeshipping one-shots. Believe me, I have plenty more in my Micro Word waiting to be posted XP...but for now, enjoy this one-shot.

    ~-~-~

    May, Max, Brock and Ash were outside a room in the hospital, pacing around nervously. Misty was in the emergency room, with doctors nervously trying to revive her.

    “It’s all my fault!” Ash scolded himself.

    May sighed as she tried to comfort him, after all, he was her good friend, and it upset her to see him like that.

    “It’s not yours. It was Team Rocket.” May said. “They were cruel enough to ask their Pokémon to attack Misty.”

    “If only I asked Pikachu to attack them earlier…but they got away…” Ash said, tears trickling down his cheeks.

    “It’s not your fault, Ash.” Brock said. “Anyone want some cup of water?”

    “I’ll have one.” May and Max said, with May adding on, “Ash will have one too.”

    Brock nodded as he walked away. Just then, a doctor came out of the doors as Ash hurriedly rushed over to him.

    “Is Misty alright?” Ash asked.

    “Yes she is, but I’m afraid something bad has happen to her.” The doctor said, and carried on,

    “She’s blind.”

    “What?” Ash said, upset that Misty was blind. “Blind? She can’t see?”

    The doctor sighed as he replied

    “Yes, blind. I’m sorry for the bad news.”

    The doctor walked away as Ash hurriedly walked inside the room.

    ~-~-~

    “Ash? Ash?” Misty said, only seeing darkness.

    “Where are you?”

    “I’m right here, Misty.” Ash said, sitting beside her and held her left hand.

    “Why…why can’t I see you?” Misty said.

    “Misty…” Ash said, before taking in a deep breath,

    “You are blind.”

    “Blind?” Misty said, tears tricking down her cheeks.

    Ash wiped them away as his tears came spilling down. It hurt him to see Misty upset.

    “I’m so sorry, Misty.” Ash apologized.

    “W-Why?” Misty said.

    “I…I didn’t help you in time.” Ash said sadly.

    “It doesn’t matter, Ash. As long as you are fine, I’ll be happy.” Misty said, smiling a little.

    “But…you are blind…” Ash said.

    “It doesn’t matter, Ash. I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.” Misty said.

    “I…” Ash said, taking in a deep breath. “You are so nice to me, Misty…I’ve been planning to say this to you right after I met you in the Pokémon Center…but I didn’t have a chance to tell you.”

    “I love you…Mist.”

    Misty was smiling with happiness, taking away the frown that was on her face.

    “I love you too, Ash.”

    Ash leaned in as their lips brushed against each other, and unknown to them, Brock, May and Max were looking at the touching scene in front of them as they sniffed quietly.

    ~-~-~

    Yes, I know, time for reviews. -prepares to get thrown by tomatoes- And I know it's short!
    -wears a anti-fruit amour-
    Last edited by Stephy; 24th May 2006 at 9:12 AM.
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

  2. #2
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    You can take off your anti-fruit armor; I'm not throwing any. This was an interesting fic. Incredibly short, but still interesting. I would have liked to known what had happened before, and what had happened after, because this could have made a seriously good longer fic. I noticed a few mistakes though:

    Quote Originally Posted by May_Beautifly
    “It’s not your fault, Ash.” Brock said. “Anyone want some cup of water?”
    It should be "Anyone want a cup of water", or "Anyone want some water?"

    Quote Originally Posted by May_Beautifly
    “Misty…” Ash said, before taking in a deep breath,

    “You are blind.”
    This isn't really a mistake, but it would sound more natural to readers if it said "You're blind".

    But besides those two hings, it was mistake free (as far as I can tell anyway). I enjoyed this story. It was pretty good.
    Last edited by Fez the Mysfit Elf; 25th May 2006 at 2:10 PM.

  3. #3

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    Oh... so sad... why does something bad always happen in your fics? (Heck, something bad always happens in my fics too...) But it's sooo sad!!! Aw, it said:

    “I love you…Mist.”

    Misty was smiling with happiness, taking away the frown that was on her face.

    “I love you too, Ash.”
    Well, Kitteh's going to update her fic.

    ~Kitteh

  4. #4
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    Not bad. The only things I would suggest are:

    -Description. Even though we all know what the characters look like, you should still include it.

    -Length. I know it's a one-shot, but could still be longer.

    -Internal/external conflicts. It seems like this fic is mostly dialogue, so put in what the character(s) are feeling, what they think, etc.

    Besides these, it's a nice fic. I'd like to see more from you.

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  5. #5
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    Short, yes, but it hits you right in the heart where it counts. A little more backstory (such as, did Cacnea's Pin Missile hit her in the eyes?) would be nice but as it is, it's a very enjoyable oneshot.

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  6. #6
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    I liked it! Yet I have to agree w/you about the short part and you could've add some backstory (like wat great buler said), more emotion, and there some grammar errors (everyone make grammar errors) overall its good!

  7. #7
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    This is an interesting idea. However, I feel that you could have done more with it. I would like to know more about what happened, and it could use some more characterization. I think that maybe you should make this into a longer story, because I think you could do better with it that way. But keep it up with the ideas!
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  8. #8
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    Huh? -takes off fruit-amour- No flying tomatoes? Okay...

    Thanks for the reviews! And thanks for the advice, Dr.Melee, The Great Butler, and whoever I have not mentioned yet, and thanks for the reviews...once again...XD
    STRAWBERRIES : DD
    (they rock and don't deny it or I'll send the strawberry army after you)

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