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Thread: The destiny strikes you (PG and PG-13 on last chaps)

  1. #1
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

    Default The destiny strikes you (PG and PG-13 on last chaps)

    Hello! this is the first fan fiction that i made and im very nervious! *sighs* allright here i come!

    PG-13

    Chapter 1: A new boy in the group and the return to Pallet



    Ash was really happy for getting back from Hoenn after all his hard work he beated his toughtest opponent: Brendan. And after the victory, Brendan was thinking about joining to Ash's gang (i like to call it like that). Brendan asked Ash:
    "Hey Ash, man the battle that i made with you was really good and i didn't felt bad for losing and i want to be your friend, well... what do you say?

    "Hey we are already friends" Ash said with a happy face "So then, would you like to come with me and May, Brock, Max and Misty?"

    "Yeah i'd like to!" Brendan said very happy.

    "Ok so we got another guy in our group right?" Said May, Max, Brock and Misty getting up from the chair they were.

    "Yeah and he like too to come with us to Pallet town!" Ash said with a high voice.

    "Thanks a lot Ash!" Said Brendan

    After a time Ash was going to the forest and May followed him without asking him first (she followed him to spy him) then Ash stoped and got a book out of his Pack. May knew that she had to hide before Ash see her and she hop on a tree quickly and then she was seeing what Ash was writing.

    July 25th

    "here is another good day and im happy to get another boy in my group! his name is Brendan Birch and he's from Littleroot Town. He wanted to join with us to go to Pallet Town and to meet a new region: Kanto. Im so happy to get a new friend! now when i get there i hope that we can travel to a new region after all this!"

    Then Ash heard a noise from the nowhere and he went to see.

    May got down the tree and she picked up Ash's diary.

    "No i don't have to do this" May was thinking. "But what's bad to read Ash's diary"

    May began reading as she know more about Ash's trip at all the begigning (im wondering.... is Ash lost to don't know where did he left his things?)

    Then May noticed something that she readed it and after that she blushed:

    "1 year have passed since i have arrived in hoenn and i met a girl named May. When i met her she was about to start her Pokemon journey and when Pikachu was overloaded with electricity appeared team rocket and helped him to get rid from his problem but there was something that still is worrying me: about May's bike! Pikachu destroyed it (like Misty's) and now im trying to get the money to get her back her bicycle or have a way to fix the mistake! And that's not all... i was getting a weird felling towards her... i didn't fell this before im felling somewhat like i love her... and i'm not sure..."

    May was thinking: "How it can be? Does Ash really loves me? Im confused!" she said that with a red face. Then she saw Ash coming. May had to escape now and she went to the pokemon center.

    Ash got up his things and get back to the pokemon center and go to his room to take a sleep.

    Brock was thinking: "Ash was too late for dinner! Why did it took so long? He said that he went to do something important but he took so much time! What's wrong with him?"

    Misty looked and asked Brock:" Hwat's wrong Brock?"

    "What? Oh nothing!" Brock said

    "Maybe Brock is thinking..." Max said

    "Oh brother" Said Brock

    May come with the group and then she started to comment:

    "Hey! isn't great that we are gonna go to Pallet town? Is so exciting!"

    "Yeah" Max said " It will be great to know about Ash hometown!"

    "Hi everybody!" Said Brendan

    "Hi" Said all in unsion

    "Well i know Ash, May and Max but... i want to know about you!" Brendan pointed at Brock and Misty.


    "Well im Brock, from Pewter City. I was a gym leader but i decided to left the gym to my little brother Jiroo to travel with Ash in hoenn! And i really like to cook. My dream is to become a great Pokemon breeder" Brock told Brendan.

    "It's my turn. Im misty from Cerulean City. Im the younger of 4 sisters and i'm also Cerulean's Gym leader. My dream is to become a Water Pokemon Master!"

    "Oh just like me" Said Brendan.

    "Really?" Asked Misty with a very happy tone.

    "Yeah! That's why i started my journey with Mudkip!"

    And they keep their conversation for long time.

    At next morning Ash woke up very early and go to buy something.

    What will be that thing? When will the ferry to Pallet will come? That will come next time bye!!

    ----------------------------

    Well this is it i hope you like it or maybe some guys can give me a hand.
    Also: I know that i need to work better on my english cos this notice is for you. I talk spanish to be honest but im giving my best for this! Maybe you can tell me my mistakes.

    And maybe you can help me with the second part!
    Last edited by Kiori; 4th May 2005 at 2:35 AM.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ash Legendary Hero
    Well this is it i hope you like it or maybe some guys can give me a hand.
    Also: I know that i need to work better on my english cos this notice is for you. I talk spanish to be honest but im giving my best for this! Maybe you can tell me my mistakes.

    And maybe you can help me with the second part!
    Yes, you do. First off, always capitalize your 'I's. Second, Use quotation marks when speaking. Third, use more vivid words. And you need to be more descriptive overall. Here:

    Quote Originally Posted by Ash Legendary Hero
    Then Ash heard a noise from the nowhere and he went to see.

    May got down the tree and she picked up Ash's diary.

    "No i don't have to do this" May was thinking. "But what's bad to read Ash's diary"
    To something roughly like this:


    Suddenly, a sound like a large object hitting the ground arose from outside.

    "What was that?" Misty asked

    "I have no idea" answered Brendan

    "I'll go check it out..." Ash volenteered

    Meanwhile....

    May jumped down from the tree growing near the Pokecenter.

    "I hope nobody heard me..."

    She looked down at the tattered blue notebook in her hands. The words "Ash's Diary" were written on it in red ink.

    "No, I don't have to do this," May thought, "But then, would could be bad about just taking a peek?"


    ----------------------
    {Bishie} Shinichi Kudou {Twin} Shigeru-Kun {Pair} Edward Elric

  3. #3
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    Hmm, nice fic. It's just the grammar. And like Sierra said, always capitalize the "I"s. It's a good habit to do.

    Anyways, it's a pretty good start considering that it's your first fic. But do remember to edit everytime you are done writing okay?

    . . . So what I'm wondering is what shippings this fic might have. *acts detective-ish*

  4. #4
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    *scared face* hehe thanks for that i was felling too nervious! i hope you like the second part for maybe saturday and a friend chose the tile o_O (thud)

    *stands up and suits up like Sherlock Holmes* about the detective stuff you need some help?
    Last edited by Ash Legendary Hero; 24th March 2005 at 4:11 AM.

  5. #5
    gonbemaster Guest

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    Pretty good, I feel the plot, but is it a advanceshipping, hoennshipping, Misty/Brendan shipping fic? It's good but many many many many many mistakes. Good job though. Keep up the good work.

  6. #6
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    Im not sure but one friend told me that and i've heard it and is cool (Misty and Brendan both train water pokemon right) but well im not quite sure of all this thing!

    Also thanks for the mistakes *fells bad* but well is not a problem after all (i have done it right now and i think that i have to practice a bit more about being a narrator right?)

    and about Brendan and Misty (one friend believe in "this" pairing but he is younger than me and i don't want him to cry cos he haves very small fellings and if you hurt him oh... you will not want to know! believe me!) ok? i don't believe on this pairing but you will see what do i mean when the next chapters are up is just a little friendship and later up... who knows?

    and this fiction i made it now and my eyes hurts!
    Last edited by Ash Legendary Hero; 24th March 2005 at 4:07 AM.

  7. #7
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    *goes all detective again* Yesh, it's obvious that the fic might have Ash/May considering that you are an Advanceshipper . . . But I'm really not that fond of misty/Brendan. =/ Meh, it's your fic, so I can't control what you type/write.

    Anyhow, I know what you mean about eyes hurting. >_> I get a headache after writing a story.

  8. #8
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    So probably Advance+Neglectshipping.

    Pretty good story, but lots of grammar mistakes. Well, I guess its not your fault, since English is not your first language.


    Paired up with Avegaille

  9. #9
    Ember Guest

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    Not bad, but you really need to work on your grammer and description.

  10. #10
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    I was making it very fast cos my mom was trying to tell me that i should stop to get something outside so i writoe it the faster that i could and i make a lot of mistakes! I know that i need to learn more for next time! but now the little guy is telling me right now the next part of the istory (he doesn't know english) so i'm only trying to make his history in english ok? Please wait a bit more for the next chapter (if i don't sleep before that) and i better chose a better title next time (this little guy is only 12 but knows a lot about pokemon!)
    Last edited by Ash Legendary Hero; 24th March 2005 at 8:08 PM.

  11. #11
    gonbemaster Guest

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    M'Kay, I can wait. I hope everyone else can.

  12. #12
    AshLord Guest

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    Good first chap. I don't really care which will end up together. And we all make mistakes... As for you being twelve... maybe the chap could be longer? But other then that... I'll give you 4 stars out of 5.

  13. #13
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    Here is number two:

    Chapter : Some troubles with team rocket


    After Ash got back at the pokemon center he hid what did he buyed and then he went to the port of Ever Grande and he asked when will be the next boat to Littleroot town and the lady said:

    "It will arrive this night at 7:30 ok?"

    "Ok thanks lady" Ash said when he got out some money to buy the tickets.

    Meanwhile Brendan was training with his pokemon.

    "Swampert now try using your iron tail in that rock!" Brendan yelled to his pokemon

    "Swamp!" Swampert started a race and destroyed the rock with iron tail.

    "So Brendan are you training your Swampert to dominate Iron Tail?" Max asked when he got closer to Brendan.

    "Yeah. If you remember: In my battle with Ash i could won if my Swampert could use Iron Tail but it couldn't dominate it at all and that's why did i lost agnaist Ash" Brendan said.

    "Oh! But now your Swampert looks that he can now dominate Iron Tail! Cool!"
    Max said very happy

    "Yeah and now... Im hungry!" Brendan said while it's stomach started roaring.

    "Well... let's go back to the pokemon center!" Said Max.

    "The last one is a Slowpoke!" Yelled Brendan

    Now getting back with Ash:

    "Well let's see: one, two, three, four, five and six! Yeah is complete! Better hurry and tell the guys!" Said Ash when he started running.

    Meanwhile in the pokemon center....

    "i wonder where did Ash gone" Asked Misty to herself.

    Misty started to search Ash for all the pokemon center when all heared: "Guys!"

    it was Ash's voice and everyone got down (the group) to ask what's happening

    "What's going on Ash?" Said all in unsion

    "Guess what! i have the tickets to go to Littleroot town! and then toi go to Pallet Town!"

    "Really cool!" Said May really happy

    "Hey Ash thanks! I wanted to see my dad for long time! and now i can see him!" Said Brendan very happy too.

    "So... when will the next boat arrive?" Asked Brock

    "At 7:30 from this night! Cmon everybody! let's packup now!" said Ash really excited

    7:30 PM

    "Ok! let's get the boat now!" Said Ash in a happy tone

    "Now... we will check your briefcases... done! please come in" Said a Red haired woman and a Blue haired man

    "Thanks!" Said all in unsion and they got in the boat and started looking

    "Wow what a beautiful boat!" Said May very interested

    "And that's not all!" Said Ash getting to the rooms. "Just wait to see this!"

    Ash opened the door from one room and all said:

    "Wow! is really cool!"

    "Every room looks the same! There are 3 rooms so we have to think..." Said Ash

    "I got it! How about that May and Misty sleep both in one room and Brendan sleeps with Ash and i take care from the last room with Max" said Brock

    "Great idea!" Said all in unsion.

    All the group started to left their things in their rooms and headed to the dinner room.

    "Wow... look at all that food!" Said Ash and Brendan in unsion while they were watching the food.

    "And the tables are huge and very well decorated!" Said May really happy. "Ash thanks a lot!"

    Ash blushed a little by hearing that for May. "You're welcome!"

    Max thinked: "Why did Ash blushed? no one saw him but i did... what? No! Oh man i need some bag cos i think that i'm getting sick..."

    "What's going on Max?" Asked Brendan

    "What? Nothing!" Said Max with a nervous tone.

    "Hey you two! Come here and watch this!" Said Misty while she was watching the water.

    "How beautiful!" Said May

    "Yeah it is" Said Brock when they were passing some Goldeen, Seaking, Mantine and many more pokemon.

    "After the dinner they went to their rooms and started to sleep.

    Meanwhile one voice said:

    "Tonight we will get Pikachu!" Said a Red haired lady. Her name is Jessie

    "Yeah!" Two voices said that. It was a Meowth and a Blue haired man. His name is James.

    "Now what's the plan?" Said Jessie

    "What plan? We realised that you had a plan!" Said both Meowth and James.

    "Oh **** we have to think..." All said in unsion.

    "I got it!" how about it we use our gloves anti-electricity to get Pikachu and then we run!" Said Jessie

    "Good plan!" Said James and Meowth

    They got closer and got Pikachu. Pikachu tried to scream but it couldn't because his mouth was covered.

    Team Rocket started running and then Ash woke up for a moment when he figured out that Pikachu was not in the room.

    "Pikachu!" Ash screamed and that awoke Brendan only.

    "What happened!?" Brendan yelled.

    "It's Pikachu! it's gone! i think that team rocket was behnd this!"

    "We'll get it back!" Brendan said.

    Then May woke up and asked:

    "Hey guys what's going on?"

    "It's Pikachu, Ash thinks that it was stealed by Team Rocket!" Brendan explained May.

    "Oh no! It's terrible! don't worry Ash We'll help you out!" Said May.

    "Thanks! I got an idea and it will work now that you're awake May!" Said Ash

    May was confused. "What do you mean?"

    "We'll use Bulbasaur's sleep podwer to make team rocket sleep and then we'll get back Pikachu!" Ash said very confident

    "How can you be so sure?" Said Brendan.

    "Because team rocket are so distracted and if we find them in the kitchen it will be easy!" Ash said.

    Will Ash's plan work? Will they get back Pikachu? Wait to the next chapter!

    ----------------------------------

    Well that's it! i hope you liked it.
    Last edited by Ash Legendary Hero; 25th March 2005 at 11:38 PM.

  14. #14
    AshLord Guest

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    I knew it was Jessie and James when you described them as red haired and blue haired.

    Oh and I have one thing to point to you...

    Ash doesn't know it's Team Rocket. Yes I know you said that he said he thinks it's Team Rocket but out of all the eps of Pokemon I watched Ash doesn't accuse Team Rocket unless he finds some physical proof I think. Well don't mind me. It's not supposed to be like the anime. So ignore this ok?

    This chap equals again 4 stars.

  15. #15
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    Not bad . . . But you do need to work on grammar a bit. I'll give you some examples of what I mean.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ash Legendary Hero
    "It will arrive this night at 7:30 ok?"

    "Ok thanks lady" Ash said when he got out some money to buy the tickets.
    How about, "This will arrive tonight at 7:30 okay?"

    "Okay, thanks ma'am," Ash replied as he got out some money to purchase the tickets.

    "Swampert now try using your iron tail in that rock!" Brendan yelled to his pokemon
    Brendan commanded his Pokemon.

    "Oh! But now your Swampert looks that he can now dominate Iron Tail! Cool!"
    Max said very happy
    You could just said 'happily'.

    "Yeah and now... Im hungry!" Brendan said while it's stomach started roaring.
    Don't forget an apostrophe. ^^

    "Well... let's go back to the pokemon center!" Said Max.
    "Well... let's go back to the Pokemon Center!" Max said.

    There are more, but I can't point out ALL mistakes. ^^ It's really the author's responsibility.

    Other than that, I say it's a very nice fic. Keep up the progress! Can't wait for more!

  16. #16
    gonbemaster Guest

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    Meh, to lazy to read it all. Many many many mistakes grammer and spelling. If you do it on Word you need to use spell check.

  17. #17
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    man ok but i have got problems with microsoft office (it was uninstaled) and now i got it and maybe i can get it back with no grammar mistakes ok? please try to understand my problem...
    Last edited by Ash Legendary Hero; 26th March 2005 at 4:32 AM.

  18. #18
    gonbemaster Guest

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    I understand. It's okay, we all have mistakes.

  19. #19
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    Hey, Ash Legendary Hero. Just want to say your fanfic here is amajing. *puts 2 thumbs up* The spelling and grammer is a bit of a problem for me to enjoy reading this fic, but I can make sense of what you're trying to say. Hope your Microsoft Office problems been thrown in the trash. It reeks to see enjoyable fanfics such as this get ditched for a whole month or so and then comes back. Update soon.

    Oh yes. Is this the only forum you post your fanfic?

  20. #20
    cool_flygon Guest

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    Not bad at all. Not bad at all in fact. Very nice too.But unlike all of you, I find it quite easy to read.

  21. #21
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    New chap was cool. But still lots of grammar mistakes, especially with verbs.
    "Why did he blushed?"
    It's very cool, but you should use a spell checker...


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  22. #22
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    lotsa grammatical and spelling mistakes, but still good...what's Neglectshipping? ^_^;;


    離開是為了回來 & lj & icons
    Sumner Sturgeon love the siblings Kana

  23. #23
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    err... Negletshipping? what is that???? im confused! and now i will get the next part of the history maybe for the next week (i return from school at 2:30 pm and then homeworks... >___<)

  24. #24
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    Neglectshipping is Brendan x Misty Or Ash x Cassidy, but that's not quite what I ment.


    Paired up with Avegaille

  25. #25
    Ash Legendary Hero Guest

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    please stop telling me that i have a lot of grammar errors (sob) please you are making me to fell bad

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