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Thread: Krisi the Trainer with a disturbing past.

  1. #1
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    Default Krisi the Trainer with a disturbing past.

    On his tenth birthday Krisi wakes up thinking what happened, a moment ago he was in a shady looking building but now,he is wondering where the heck he is."Where am I ?" Krisi hears a voice that sounds like his mother."Krisi come her please." "Coming mom!" He walks down and sees his mom.She asks if he wants a Pokemon,and Krisi answers "yes"He is told to meet Bianca somewhere in Aspertia City.As soon as Krisi leaves he sees his soon to be rival, Rivera.Rivera already has a Pokemon so he accompanies Krisi to find Bianca.They look everywhere until finally Rivera says "Of course!!She must be at the Outlook Aspertia's famous for that place.As they two head over there they discover a girl with a green floppy hat.Krisi talks to her, she asks if he knows who is Krisi and she realizes she is talking to him! Krisi gets asked to complete the Pokedex and says yes he also receives his first pokemon...OSHAWOTT!!!He names her Maria because she is female and Krisi always dreamed of a sister that he could have fun and play with.As Krisi goes home Rivera challenges him to a battle.Krisi one hit koes Rivera's Snivy with Maria.As he walks home a weird guy appears and hands him a poke all and says that you may have lost your memory Krisi but your still a part of us TEAM PLASMA!!!The man seemed to have dissipated into the air.Krisi opens the poke ball and out comes a Deino.Almost suddenly Krisi remembers Deino's name"Drago you're back"And both Krisi and Deino burst into tears while the sun sets slowly beyond the horizon.......








    Was that good?Helpful advice would be nice.
    Last edited by LAWLZ FUNNY MAN; 25th October 2012 at 2:57 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Default

    Booooopuyyy
    Black 2/Heartgold/X Trainer Card-


    Credits to Mr.Munchlax
    Name: Tyler Dure
    Status: Telling Pinsir that it's okay that he doesn't know how to control his new body and assuring him that we'll work on it together
    Hometown: Virbank City, Unova, US
    Idols: Krisi Jackson, Lance, Wallace, Cynthia, Alder, Tucker Satoshi, Austin

    "You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get." -MP

    Join the Fire-Type Club, where battles are as intense as the sun's rays!!!

  3. #3
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    Graivty Falls, Oregon
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    Default

    ...Not sure what the second post is all about.

    First off, you'd do well to look at your punctuation. It's best to use a space after periods, exclamation and question marks, and commas, it makes it easier to read. Also, it's punctually correct to place a space between different people speaking. Grammatically correct example:


    (Changes in bold)
    "Where am I?"

    Krisi hears a voice that sounds like his mother. "Krisi come here please."

    "Coming mom!"
    As for the story... You're a bit unclear about how something affected Krisi's memory. You have him remembering a shady building (to the reader's view, at least), then waking up in the middle of nowhere. He is then called by his mother. How does he recognize his mother if he has lost his memory, as the "weird guy" says?

    Beyond that, I'd just work on descriptions and tension building. The first Pokemon battle ends in a single sentence. We don't know what attacks were used, we don't know the Pokemon's or trainers' reactions to anything... The rule is show, not tell. Saying that Krisi "burst into tears" upon seeing Drago is more effective than stating he was really, really glad. So, use that method in the rest of your fic and you can improve it greatly.

    Anyway, these are all easy mistakes to make. And, they are not easy to surpass. But, put enough work into it, and you can definitely overcome them. Good luck!

  4. #4
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    Default

    Going to close as well, as this doesn't meet various standards of the section. Fics need to be properly paragraphed and have some effort put into grammar and spelling. A spell/grammar check would catch a lot of problems already.

    Also, chapters need to be two pages long minimum to be allowed here, so that's another issue you'd need to rectify before reposting your fic. Besides that, take attention to what chanseychansey77 posted as it's fairly handy advice in itself. See how other fics also do it as reference.

    Lastly, double posting to just bump your thread also isn't allowed, so please check the rules for stuff about that.

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