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Thread: Tell a joke, die laughing -- New and improved!

  1. #101
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    Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff?
    Tequila


    Offering:
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    My 3ds fc:4441 9598 4755

  2. #102
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    Q. Why is it Catholic priests can never win a race?

    A. They always come in a little behind

  3. #103
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    Sometimes, just so other people will think I'm smart, I'll just masturbate a word into a sentence without even knowing what it means.

  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by Todoserugi View Post
    whats white and can't climb a tree?
    a refrigerator
    This.

    An even better one is what's blue and can't talk? THE SKY!

    Why did the man float in the lake?

    Because he was dead.


    How do you make an eggroll?

    You push it.

    Why couldn't the kid go into the pirate movie?

    Because it was rated PG-13 and he was only 11!


    What's green and has wheels?

    Grass. I was kidding about the wheels...

    Yeah...
    Last edited by Shadow Caster; 28th June 2013 at 12:07 AM.
    Trainer name: Liam (I'm usually up for casual battles now...)

    Friend Codes Pearl: 5113 7483 6924 White: 0562 7412 3100
    "While working on my PokéDex, I looked all over for Pokémon. Not only that, I assembled teams that would beat any Pokémon type. And now... I'm the Pokémon League Champion! Red! Do you know what that means? I'll tell you. I am the most powerful Trainer in the world!"
    [IMG]http://i41.*******.com/2jdqr5x.jpg[/IMG]

  5. #105
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    I've heard 5-year-olds tell better jokes than the ones in this miserable excuse of a thread.

  6. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by facetious View Post
    I've heard 5-year-olds tell better jokes than the ones in this miserable excuse of a thread.
    Well, mine were meant to be bad. (They're Anti-Jokes. The lack of punchline is the punchline.)

    I can't say the same for the rest of the people who put jokes here. =/

    "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?.

    'Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusiv partner and seek help.'"
    Last edited by Shadow Caster; 28th June 2013 at 5:20 PM.
    Trainer name: Liam (I'm usually up for casual battles now...)

    Friend Codes Pearl: 5113 7483 6924 White: 0562 7412 3100
    "While working on my PokéDex, I looked all over for Pokémon. Not only that, I assembled teams that would beat any Pokémon type. And now... I'm the Pokémon League Champion! Red! Do you know what that means? I'll tell you. I am the most powerful Trainer in the world!"
    [IMG]http://i41.*******.com/2jdqr5x.jpg[/IMG]

  7. #107
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    Did you know that 4/3 of people have trouble with fractions?
    #AlphaSapphire
    I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
    If you have a question about my religion, or wish to discuss my religion, the Bible, or anything related to this topic, feel free to PM or VM me, take a look at the information in my profile or visit our official website.

  8. #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Admiral View Post
    Have you never tried or something?

    A man walks into a pub. He sits down at the bar. He takes out a small piano and a frog, and puts both of them on the bar. To the bartender's surprise, the frog starts playing the piano. The man then pulls out a rat and puts it on the bar. To the bartender's further surprise, the rat starts singing. Another man at the bar turns to him. "Say," he goes, "that's a great act! Would you mind selling them to me for $25,000?"

    "No way," says the first man.

    "In that case," the second man continues, "would you sell me just the rat for $20,000?"

    "Well," the first man says, hemming and hawing for a moment, "alright." He hands the man the rat, then receives his $20,000. The lucky owner of the rat walks out of the bar, satisfied with himself.

    "What the hell is wrong with you?" asks the barkeep afterward. "Why did you break up a million-dollar act like that?"

    The man at the bar just smirks. "The frog's a ventriloquist."
    That's pretty good, never heard it before but I know a very similar one...

    Man walks into a pub with a duck tucked under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other. He strolls up to the bar and promises the landlord that his duck will dance for the entertainment of the customers, they'll stay and drink, the landlord will be rolling in it. All the man wants is some credit for the bar. The landlord challenges the man to prove his tale of a dancing duck. Fair enough, the man places the biscuit tin on the bar, sets the duck upon it and the duck begins doing a little two step shuffle.
    The other patrons are gobsmacked, they've never seen anything like it. Soon enough a huge crowd has gathered round. The landlord is impressed, he tells the man that in return for the dancing duck the man will never need to pay for a drink in this pub again. The man says deal, they shake on it, the man finishes his drink and leaves.

    A week later, the man returns. The landlord looks angry, he calls the man over to the bar and demands to know why the duck has stopped dancing.
    "When did it stop?" the man asks.
    "About an hour or so after you left. What's your game?"
    The man tries to calm the landlord, goes over to the duck. He picks the duck up, checks inside it's beak. Looks underneath it's wings, examines it's feet. Then he picks up the tin, lifts the lid and peers inside.
    "No wonder the duck stopped dancing, chum. You let the bloody candles go out."

    A true dad joke. Never sure if that one is worth the time it takes to tell it (the live version features much gesturing and dramatic pauses) but sometimes it gets good payoff.
    One of my favourite "brief" jokes...

    I took a dyslexic girl home the other night. It didn't work out so well for me, she ended up cooking my sock.
    Apparently, according to some people, Gen IV is no longer relevant when discussing mechanics/direction of the game franchise etc.
    These people would do well to consider the sales figures. Gen IV is very much still relevant.

  9. #109
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    ^ those are awesome XD

    Here's another of mine

    I had a piece of wood that I kept cutting and cutting but it was still too short.
    #AlphaSapphire
    I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
    If you have a question about my religion, or wish to discuss my religion, the Bible, or anything related to this topic, feel free to PM or VM me, take a look at the information in my profile or visit our official website.

  10. #110
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    Did you hear about the guy who had the left half of his body chopped off?

    He's all right now.


    Pokémon Quiz Bowl. It's a thing.

    Every time you have a bad day, just go to Advanced Search, enter "Him in the Court" in the User Name box, and voila.
    I claim Vanillite because it is best Pokémon.

    PEOPLE OF EARTH -- WE ARE YOUR ZILTOIDIAN OVERLORDS.
    RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.


  11. #111
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    There are 2 types of people in this world

    #1 people who make lists
    #AlphaSapphire
    I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
    If you have a question about my religion, or wish to discuss my religion, the Bible, or anything related to this topic, feel free to PM or VM me, take a look at the information in my profile or visit our official website.

  12. #112
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    Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

    A: You don't call it because it won't come back to you!

    There are 3 types of people in this world: Those who understand maths and those who don't.

    Q: What's a Jewish person's biggest dilemma?
    A: Free ham.
    Last edited by moot; 12th August 2013 at 11:02 AM.

  13. #113
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    What's worse than finding a worm in your sandwich?


    The Holocaust
    99% of teens like 1 directon... put this in ur sig if you dont (started by blazeing man)

  14. #114
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    I have a pretty good joke.

    It's called my sex life.

    Star-Lord

  15. #115
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    whats white and can't climb a tree?
    Me .
    Hi, I'm part of the staff on Pokemon Showdown!, if you have any questions or need any help, VM or PM me.

  16. #116
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    A man was advertising an electric vacuum cleaner and wanted to sell it in person. So he knocked on a person's door.
    He said "Would you like to buy the _________ Vacuum cleaner for only Ł139?"
    The woman, who opened the door said "No."
    So the guy said "Ok, I'll pour some horse poo on the floor and if this Vaccum dosen't clean in I'll eat it all" So he poured the poo on the floor.
    And the woman was like "Ok, I'll get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this mornin'."

    *Plays disney sound*
    HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!

  17. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by colorless-winter View Post
    whats red and green and goes 300 mph?


    a frog in a blender :P
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!
    Anyway, erhem. I also have a... frog joke related.

    It's two frogs on a train track.
    The first one starts to scream at the second one.
    "HEY! You should watch out for the t-" SPLOOSH!
    "The what !?" SPLOOSH!
    Water 水 - Earth 土 - Fire 火 - Air 气 - Spirits 神靈 - Change 易 - Balance 平衡
    « Be the leaf... »

    my deviantArt account

  18. #118
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    I have an okay one.

    A man called the secretary at a mental hospital and asked who was in room 18.

    "Nobody," replied the secretary.

    "Great!" he exclaimed. "I must have escaped!"
    I have discovered what a signature is.

    This is Bidoof. Many people loathe it with their lives. If you are of the few people who love this little beaver, put this in your sig. Started by Warrior Scolipede

    I've claimed Castform. It will never rain on my parade.

  19. #119
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    I tried to make a good chemistry pun, but all the good ones argon.

    ...On second thought, how about we take all these bad chemistry jokes... and barium.
    We should only make jokes involving the elemental table periodically.

    ---

    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida ...

    The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
    The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
    The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
    The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

    The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

    She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
    "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
    "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
    Love, Mama

    Image drawn by me~

  20. #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by facetious View Post
    I've heard 5-year-olds tell better jokes than the ones in this miserable excuse of a thread.
    I think you should give it a go yourself then. Prove us wrong.

    675% of people make up statistics
    I drift in and out. I'm more into the glitchy side of things, hate nearly everything post-HGSS.
    I'll probably forget what I offer on trade pages. If I do, just message me on Tumblr as I'm always on there.

    Tumblr


  21. #121
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    What did the doe say as she left from the woods?
    I will never do that for two bucks again.





    -------



    One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
    Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
    Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
    Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
    The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
    The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
    Last edited by Kreis; 19th August 2013 at 1:18 AM.
    Weavile Rules!!! Can't wait for ORAS!!!

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  22. #122
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    Wanna hear a cat joke?
    Just kitten.
    3DS Friend Code: Nicholas-0130-2106-0329

    Looking For

    -English Keldeo

  23. #123
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    two chemists walk into a Cafe one of the chemists asks for some H20 the other says to the cashier i'll have some h20 too. (get it? eh? eh?)
    Last edited by wolf king; 26th August 2013 at 8:25 AM.

  24. #124
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    Never have an argument with a toilet. Because eventually it will just say, "Im getting sick and tired of your s**t

    Apparently, animals make different sounds according to different languages.

    For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.
    Current FanFic(s):

    Title in Progress: On hold

  25. #125
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    here is a really funny joke I came up with. it's in video form.
    I wrote the RBY and GSC pages on serebii.net

    https://twitter.com/cifalacus

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