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Thread: In Victa Ad Revenant [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default In Victa Ad Revenant [PG-13]

    This is a fan-fiction I have been working on for the past year, and I have thoroughly enjoyed writing it thus far. It it by no means complete and find that to be the most enjoyable aspect. The work is rated PG-13 for graphic depictions of violence, drug use and references, sexual humor, and displays of sexuality. Thus far I have the Prelude Arc written, and for your viewing pleasure here is the prologue.

    Table of Contents (Titles Updated as Chapters are completed)




    Prologue:
    The year is After-Colony Year 11 

    The world is once again on the brink of war, two years after the disaster of Lunar Colony 616-Icarus. 473,036 people died when a large section of the orbital colony plummeted to Earth, breaking up in atmosphere and raining down chunks of molten metal more than two miles wide
    . 

    Various theories emerged, nations jumped to each other’s throats and finally an emergency meeting was called by the United Nations Security Council. This facilitation led to disaster as a foreign Unova diplomat was killed at the Four Winds Summit held in Phenac City at the foreign embassy. This action resulting in the launch of a Royal Unova battle group against the United Orre Emirates…

    Tensions reached a fevered pitch when a(n) Unovan aircraft carrier was hit by an IED, sinking and killing hundreds of Navy crewmen and women.

    The government of Unova considered this an act of war and has mobilized the remainder of its’ military strength. Hope for a peaceful resolution seems nonexistent…

    Last edited by R-N-B Lover; 13th December 2012 at 5:05 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Chapter 1: Desolation, moment of apprehension


    Darkness fell across the land, the blanket of night covering the vast expanse of sandy dunes signaling the midnight hour was drawing near. The light of the full moon illuminated the stark, and unwelcoming crags and jagged outposts carved into the canyons. The vast expanse of desert flowed into the canyon like an enormous river, only to be filtered out the opposite end of the outcropping. Various desert flowers bloomed in the moonlight, providing food for the residents of the otherwise inhospitable biome.

    Amidst the sands of time a lone figure churned up sand in his effort to traverse the dunes. The noise of the approaching vehicle awoke the slumbering Cacturne, their eerie yellow eyes igniting like candles in the night. A small sinkhole came into existence underneath the lumbering cacti as a Trapinch appeared to observe its above ground environment – suddenly a large rubber tire sped directly over its head being trailed by an ominous moan and a dull blue glow.

    Wes gave a small jump-boost to his hover bike to avoid falling in the sinkhole; he had to get to Sandgem Town where the resistance group was meeting. Originally he had been in Gateon Port putting together a small welcoming gift to the visiting hostiles, but once he heard that Hark Fenix the hero of the Resistance Federation had returned he had to make haste to meet him.

    Wes had not been formally introduced to the man, but there had been many fireside stories which centered on him.

    His exploits among the REBEL group had become the stuff of legend, and as a result embellished. Some said he could take out dozens of Cipher agents at once. Others said that he could control fire, and even more outlandish – FLY!

    Five years had passed since Cipher had released its’ chemical “Black CIPHER” agent into area surrounding Realgam Tower – once its base of operations. Almost immediately the lush greenery which had once been a staple in Orre rotted away on withered roots. The native Pokémon now without their natural habitats took to the urban areas or left entirely. Then the arrival of the Royal Unovan Navy seemed to make matters worse...

    “Why can’t they see we are the good guys?” Wes thought to himself.

    Oddly enough, his reply came from his passenger seat.

    “Lies cloud mind, mud clouds water.” Siiruku the Espeon spoke telepathically from beside him. The red jewel on the feline's head glowed as he spoke.

    Wes nodded and increased the speed of his bike towards his destination.

    Tonight he had to be on time, lives depending on whether or not this information reached the right hands…

    Tonight during the coronation an integral part of the plan would be removed, if he could not complete his task.

    Wes narrowed his eyes beneath his helmet and floored the throttle once more, swallowed up into the gaping maw of the night. Churning up sand in his wake.
    Last edited by R-N-B Lover; 28th September 2012 at 9:48 PM.
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  3. #3
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    I like what you're doing so far, but I do have one thing to say so far.

    I do hope that you plan making subsequent chapters longer than this. It is a rule here that all chapters need to be at least 3-4 pages long in a word proccessor. I'm only telling you this because I ran into the same problem and I'm trying to get it fixed right now.

  4. #4
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    Kilzkool, before you try mini-modding and correcting others, you should actually learn the Fan Fiction Rules. Firstly, the absolute chapter minimum is two pages. Secondly, when you reply to a fan fic, you need to actually say something about the fic that proves that you read it, otherwise your reply just looks like something that can be copy-pasted into any thread. Lastly, if you see rule-breaking, the proper response is to report it, not mini-mod.


    Regardless R-N-B Lover, yes, you need to make your chapters longer, including this one. Also please set the text size back to normal, as it is very distracting.

    Anyhow this looks all right. Definitely some mistakes you'll want to fix, though. For instance, numbers under 10 should be written out, so "2" should be written as "two." Also, "it's" means "it is" and "its" means "belonging to it" (there is no such thing as "its'"), and you made this mistake a few times. You also put works in quotation marks that don't need them, like “4 Winds Summit” and ‘jump-boost,’ and "Cipher" and "rebel" shouldn't be written in all capital letters unless they are acronyms. You also repeat words a lot in the same sentence, like "Darkness fell across the land, the blanket of night covering the vast expanse of land" and "Hark Fenix the hero of the Resistance Federation had returned he had to return" which is really distracting.

    Also beware your description. It's clear that you like to have flowery description, which is fine, but just make sure it doesn't drift into purple prose territory. That said, you mainly like to describe setting, it seems - don't forget that people and Pokemon need some, too! You don't need a lot - for instance, telling us the colour of Wes' hair as it billows in the wind would add a lot, or describing the Snag Device on his arm could be cool. Tell us about the Espeon's piercing eyes as it stares up at its master and so on. Is there an Umbreon there, too? What exactly does the hover bike look like? Also, what does Wes feel - is he hot, cold? Is there wind blowing in his face? Adding basic descriptions like these can really add to a story, not to mention help you read the two-page minimum.


    Anyway, please be sure to fix these mistakes and look for others in your writing, as well as ensure that your chapters hit the minimum. Good luck!

    ~Psychic

    Pokéthon was a huge success! Check out our Facebook page for photos from the event!

  5. #5
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    @Psychic - Thank you I corrected the grammatical errors, and duly noted I will take care in future chapters to go more into detail about the traits of the characters themselves. However this chapter I opted not too as the running theme of the story was the cover of night. Even during a full moon you would be hard-pressed to see the color of Espeon's fur, or such things.
    @Klizcool - I am aware of the required length, but this is a prologue and as such it was short, my average length for chapters is 12 pages on Word.

    Thank You for the compliments and critiques! Chapter 1 will be up soon!
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  6. #6
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    Sorry for the delay everyone, this is my penultimate quarter of college and I have been busy. Editing and proofreading chapter 1. It will be up before Christmas!
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  7. #7
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    Chapter 2: The Crowning Moment





    The four finalists stood on the podium showered by a downpour of colorful confetti that sparkled in the sunlight, the tallest block on the podium which was reserved the Johto League Silver conference champion smelled strongly of the basil leaf that adorned the gold and silver poke ball symbol the decorated the pedestal. The pedestal to the right was about a foot shorter and was adorned with clear-cut crystals imbedded in the sterling silver embossment on the face; the base resembled an ionic column with its roots in Greek architecture. The third place pedestal had several carvings etched in the stone that were filled in with bronze that gave off a fiery sheen in the golden rays of the sun. Finally the spot meant for the honorable mention was no more than a platform raised about six inches off the ground and decorated with pine green stripes.


    “We will now being the crowning ceremony, will the finalists please step to the center of the stage!” The director stated over the loudspeaker in an authoritative voice. The loudspeaker blared and even then could scarcely be heard over the deafening cheers of the crowd.


    “Ladies and gentleman I am pleased to present to you the four winners of this years’ Johto League Silver Conference Tournament. These talented Trainers are truly worthy of the title(s) that they have earned over this past week, through numerous trials and triumphs they have persevered with their partners in battle and here their names will be immortalized in the inner sanctum of the sacred mountain itself!”


    The cheering crowd gradually simmered down, and finally died down to an acceptable decibel as a mysterious figure clad in gold and black armor marched up the trail of stairs leading to the apex of the podium- his silky black cape billowing behind him. The trainer continued his journey up the flight of stairs until he stood face-to-face with the four trainers on the podium, he was observing the long-standing traditions when he stood in front of the first trainer, his spiky red hair caught the rays of sunlight to his rear giving his visage an eerily fiery countenance. His piercing blue eyes stared directly into her determined brown eyes with an unwavering intensity, this man seemed to be judging whether or not she was truly worthy of the title that was about to be bestowed upon her. This act was mimicked with every trainer on the stage until the very last one, and once his “evaluation” was completed and he was sufficiently satisfied he nodded towards the speaker box located high up in the stadium and proceeded to take his place on the stage.


    Next to approach the stage was a(n) aging gentleman who walked with a distinguished air about him, his walk seemed naturally elegant either by conscious effort or simply the by-product of his noble ancestry. The gentleman sported a white blazer complimented by red suit pant and black leather shoes. Professor Samuel Oak strode across the stage accompanied by DJ Mary Johto’s highest rated radio host. The white blouse seemed almost perfectly tailored for her petite frame and complimented her flowing pink hair that seemed to dance in the gentle breeze.


    As both individuals took their places on the stage beside Lance the current Champion, they took the time to nod approvingly towards the four trainers who stood before them.
    Finally the crowning ceremony reached its climax as each trainer accepted his medal and took his designated place on the pedestal, after which numerous photographs were taken and another torrent of sparkling confetti.

    *****
    Violet City Pokemon University
    *****


    The Chairman of the board of Trustees smiled to himself as he watched the trainers takes their places on the pedestal one-by-one as their names were called off once more, these names would be etched into the plaques on their respective pedestals where they would be immortalized for all of time. The Johto League Silver Conference was held every four years, and to qualify was a challenge that deemed insurmountable to the vast majority of trainers, but to win and join the ranks of trainers before who masterfully displayed their skill and valor, there was no word to quite describe that honor.

    Dr. Preston shed a single tear as he watched his former student take her place on the silver column, and dutifully bow as to have the 2nd place medal draped around her neck. The man’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud and sudden rapping at the door.


    He wondered who would be knocking at this hour, Open House was over at nine-thirty Geo Standard Time and now it was almost half past ten. Placing his curiosities and apprehension aside he turned his attention away from the television set in front of him, and strode slowly over to the large wooden door, the large lecture hall seemed eerily foreboding as shadows cast by the dim lights danced around the empty chairs, echoes of the bustle of activity that took place during classroom hours. Dr. Preston opened the door slowly and was greeted by the silhouette of a man shrouded in the shadows of the hallway; he seemed to be hunched over an unfortunate accident of some sort the Dr. presumed.


    “Good evening Dr. Preston I presume?” The man spoke with an accent that was hard to place, but nevertheless seemed to be of no cause for immediate concern.


    “Why yes sir. You startled me with the way you were hidden in the dark over there.” The Dr. replied somewhat cautiously.


    “My sincerest apologies, I fear it is an unfortunate side-effect of my rather turbulent childhood.” The man said in a somewhat melancholy tone.


    “Well yes these are dark times we live in.”


    “Yes they are, but as they say an age is called "dark," not because the light fails to shine but because people refuse to see it.” The man said tactfully.


    Dr. Preston was somewhat taken aback.


    “Well you certainly don’t see this every day, an enlightened soul at this hour of the night?” He said somewhat pleased.


    “Well that is the nature of light, we as men cannot hold a torch to illuminate the path of another without also brightening ours as well.
    “You as an instructor of men should understand this more than anyone.”


    Minutes sped by as Dr. Preston become deeply engaged in conversation with the stranger, he was intrigued by the florid tact in his voice but at the same moment was astounded by the innate truth to his words. However as the seconds crept by the good doctor could not escape a nagging feeling in the stomach, however friendly this man may have been something about him was amiss..


    “Well good sir I have quite enjoyed this spirited exchange, but now I must be going. These term papers don’t grade themselves.” Dr. Preston said with a light chuckle as he pivoted his torso to return to the classroom.


    “Such is the duty of an instructor, but first if I could just trouble you for one last question?”


    Dr. Preston hesitated for a moment before turning slightly to face the man.


    “The face of evil is ever changing, and it is the darkness in the hearts of Man that allow that evil to flourish. However if one had the power to banish this darkness for the good of man would it not be a greater sin to keep such a power hidden from view?”


    Dr. Preston nodded, waiting for the man to continue.


    “Man was gifted with the ability to choose his destiny, and as time goes on his mind becomes more and more clouded by the delusions of those who make false claims of salvation. Man has long since forgotten his true purpose, his purpose since the beginning of time”

    Dr. Preston’s heart sped up a bit, he swore that the man’s voice had grown deeper since they had first begun talking; also that nagging in the pit of his stomach feeling was growing stronger and he was forced to swallow some bile, the doctor tried to banish the apprehension from his mind.


    “Surely you jest, Man’s one and only purpose was to glorify the Divine Creator.” Dr. Preston retorted with a start.


    “Now you are playing coy Dr. Preston, you of all people should know that the Destiny of Man lies in the power of Apotheosis!”


    Now the feeling in his stomach was overwhelming, he had to distance himself from the man. Dr. Preston hastily bid the man good night and briskly turned to enter his classroom. Then suddenly as a large weight had clamped on his neck he found could not breathe.


    The man spoke in a chilling voice.


    “Do not move.”


    The sixty-two-year old man clawed feverishly against the hand that clenched his neck in a vice like-grip, his eyes watered as he felt his breath-no his life exit his body. The man feebly began feeling his way across the doorway until he found a small button, and pressed it in a panic. Almost immediately a shrill alarm sounded and a thundering iron gate fell directly in front of him, barricading the classroom entrance and nearly crushing the man’s arm.


    Dr. Preston sat on the floor for a moment, wheezing as he gently massaged his neck taking stock of himself. I’m still alive. He thought to himself, and he turned to crawl towards his desk where his loaded Heckler and Koch pistol was hidden. When behind him a shot rang out like a thunderclap, and a searing heat hit him squarely in his back knocking him to the ground. The good doctor’s legs froze up and he feebly rolled himself onto his back despite the fiery lances of pain that coursed their way through his body.


    “Looking for this?” The man taunted.


    A scant ten feet away, standing outside the sealed gate, the monstrous silhouette of his attacker stared through the iron bars. His shoulders were broad the rest of his physical features were hidden beneath his black cloak, the flashing lights made the patterns on his white mask slightly visible, but through the moisture in his eyes he could not discern them. Beneath his cloak his cowhide boots sported red specks which resembled dried flecks of blood. However the most frightening feature however 9mm pistol that dangled from the black leather gloved fingers.


    “You should not have tried to run.” The attacker stated menacingly. “Now tell me where it is located.”


    Dr. Preston lay sprawled on the floor in a pool of blood-defenseless.


    “I don’t know what you are talking about.”


    “You are lying.” The man said as he stared at him from beneath his mask.


    “But don’t worry I have ways of making you talk…”


    Almost as if part of some otherworldly nightmare the attacker walked through the iron bars as if he was made of water, Dr. Preston stared in horror as the man strode over to him and once again clamped his neck in a vice like embrace and hefted him into the air. Dr. Preston’s heart skipped entire beats as he was brought face to face with his attacker, and a surge of adrenaline hit him as he struggled to free himself despite the searing pain in his right shoulder.


    “To struggle is useless.” The man stated calmly as he punched the good doctor in the stomach.


    “Perhaps now you will see things my way.”


    Dr. Preston felt like a ball of solid iron had hit him in the gut as he began coughing up blood, he looked up weakly and for the first time noticed the pattern on the man’s. While the design that covered the mask seemed to be black concentric lines that resembled planetary orbits, with the Sol symbol nestled between two stubby horns marking the middle of his forehead. However it was the overall shape of the mask which frightened him – an oni?!


    “Y-you have come here in vain.” Dr. Preston chocked defiantly.


    The attacker shook him slightly and the proceeded to forcefully prop his head up to look him directly into his eye and Dr. Preston gasped in horror.


    “You are no longer under their protection…” The attacker began.


    “So willingly or not you will give me what I seek.” He gazed into Dr. Preston’s left eye with his own. “Now submit…” As the attacker said these words Dr. Preston’s world went black...


    Several minutes later Dr. Preston awoke to find himself alone in the classroom, he lay in an ever-widening pool of his own blood. He turned his gaze towards the Iron Gate in the doorway-locked. He was trapped the doors could not be reopened for twenty minutes. By the time anyone got to him, he would be dead as even now blood continued to drip from his lips and each breath was becoming harder to exert than the last. Having been a veteran of war he had witnessed the fate that now awaited him. The bullet had ricocheted off of his ribcage, and lodged itself into his stomach, now untold amounts of stomach acids usually purposed for digestion would begin eating away at his internal organs. Even so, the fear the now gripped him was one far greater than the thought of his impending death.


    The secret must live on!


    He staggered to his feet once, only to collapse back to the floor. His strength was rapidly leaving him. The room had suddenly become cold; he shivered as he dragged himself to his desk where his prized globe of the Earth sat comfortably seated atop a gilded axis, which until recently was the only light in his world. Now the only thing that mattered now was the fact that he must pass along the secrets that he had died for tonight, ironic as it was the light had had stayed silent to protect would be the one to bring darkness to his world.


    Wincing in the pain of the wounds he had sustained he summoned all of his faculties and strength. A desperate and final task lay before him, which he knew would require every ounce of strength remaining in his body, and one he also knew would require each remaining second of his life…


    Chapter End
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