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Thread: Relightened (Advanceshipping fic)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    No stalking allowed.

    Default Relightened (Advanceshipping fic)

    Hello. Sorry about the last version of this, forgot to add the prologue. But, never fear! I will still make sure this gets to the world. With one difference. I have a change in title. (This new one puts a different feel on it, don't you think?) the summary is on the old post, if you want to see it.

    This story rated PG

    Okay, here's the prologue!



    That was the first word that popped in his head when he came to. He was in a steel room, with a steel table and chairs. The bed he was strapped to was made of it too, leaving only himself and the man sitting in one of the chairs.
    "Welcome back, Percy," the man said. "You were out for several hours after we got here."
    The man's smile sent a chill down Percy's spine. He knew exactly why these people wanted him. But, unfortunately for both, it would take a lot of pain to get the information out.
    "You'll never find it," Percy said, calm as ever. "We both know that you and your cold, black heart have no way."
    The man snickered, shaking his head. This time, it was infallible that he couldn't get the information. The tortures he had laid out were more heinous than what he had given the rest of his prisoners.
    He looked back at Percy, saying, "We'll see about that."
    He got up, and walked over to the bed. He then pulled out a test tube with a strange substance inside.
    "Do you know what this is?" he asked, swirling the tube's contents mockingly. "It's pure sodium, and it's bloody hard to find. What for? It explodes on contact with water. So, I'll ask you once, Percival, where is it?"
    "I'll never tell you," Percy shot back.
    The man replied, "Suit yourself," and opened the tube. Then, before he could say anything, poured the sodium onto Percy's hand. But the explosion never came.

    For your consideration,
    Last edited by Sithcario; 30th October 2012 at 8:23 PM.
    One World,
    One Eternity,
    One Force,
    Fear My Power

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2007


    You seem to have a good grasp of grammar and from what I can see you used punctuation in the right places. This read more like a drabble than a prologue but hopefully as the story progresses we get to see how Percy relates to Ash and May's adventure in this fic. I hope the next chapter is even longer and that it has more connections. Also you might benefit from adding some more spaces to your fic. That way it will be much easier for other users to read.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008


    Like Chloe has said, this seems to be more of a drabble than a prologue. prologues are normally at least 2-3 pages long, anything under a page is normally considered a drabble. You grammar is good, i think its much better than mine. xD Also add spaces so the readers can read your story more easier. Also try describe as much as you can so we can have a good idea what is happening, what the area looks like and what is suppose to happen. Don't overdo it, just write enough so we can have a good idea of what your story is about.

    I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.


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