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Thread: The Chronicles Of Alpha (PG-13, violence)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2012

    Default The Chronicles Of Alpha (PG-13, violence)

    From The Scroll of Alpha.

    A long time ago before time or space existed, there was an egg.
    Eventually the egg hatched, the being called itself Alpha, but the beings of one the worlds it created called it Areceus. But Arceus is but one of Alpha's many forms.
    Alpha created the universe as we know it, creating many worlds and filling them with life. One of those worlds was filled with creatures called Pokemon, and arceus dwelled there for a while. But disaster struck, one of the beings that Alpha had created turned on him. It absorbed many of the other beings and attacked Alpha. Alpha decided to flee far out into the universe, but eventually it had to rest.

    So it created a world for it to reside in, and hide from the creature. As time went by, Alpha created life on the world. It had liked the design that it had used on the other world and decided to use it here... with a few changes. The species was called Ralts, and they became the dominant species on the world, which they call Nillia, and they are constantly training and awaiting the arrival of the dreaded creature, which they call Omega.

    Now the Ralts, are similar to the ones on the first world but not exact. This is who the Ralts of this world are:
    The children are born, and the males will eventually become a Gallade and the females will become a Gardevoir. But that is where the similarities ended. Unlike the original Ralts, these can become any type (given to them at their initiation ceremony).
    They will always be Psychic/other type. And another major difference is the fact that they can be any color, and their physical traits may change based on their type.

    The Ralts Live in a floating city which they named Soaria. Soaria, is supported by an ancient Jewel called The Shard of Alpha, which gives them their second type during their coming-of-age ceremony, and helps the Ralts in various other ways. The buildings of Soaria are giant orbs that contain housing, water, food and other establishments.
    the Ralts get around Soaria by bird, the most common bird is a Staraptor, but there are others, including the legendary birds: Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres, but these ancient birds are only passed down by specific family lines of Soaria.

    Alpha knew that omega was going to find him eventually, but he expected for there to have been more time for him to regain his strength. So, Alpha divided up what power he had left to five Ralts.

    Alpha: "I no longer have the strength to protect you, i give my power to the chosen, i will return after i have regained enough strenth, keep Omega at bay...and protect Nillia." be continued.
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    Last edited by Steampunk; 2nd October 2013 at 9:14 PM.
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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Dating Korrina in y :P


    That fanfict is incredable....O_O; I can't wait to see the next chaptor omg cool. ^_^

    Kind of remind's me of Earthbound a little in some ways with the 'chosen children' theme and 'stopping the end from coming' and stuff. I wonder if you ever played that game...(i did. it was pretty cool xD; I like Paula best out of the kids I feel she is a bit like me.)
    Gay, happy triox! Wait, gay also means happy, right? :P Riiight?
    I have a MAJOR crush on korrina and i think she's totally awesome! best gym leader ever. Should be a champion.

    *drool's over her kawaiiness x3*
    ~Lipstick Lesbian and Proud~ Well, i'm actually bi, but korrina's really the only 'attractive to me' character i ever dare look at on a daily basis, soo... :P
    I have autism too
    I may add this one korrina blingee that helps my autism to this sig sometime however i don't feel like changing it as much yet :3 korrina is still powerful to me though^^

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Journeying through Orre


    Looks like an interesting premise. Sounds like an alternate universe where Arceus didn't want humans to rule (hmmm, I wonder why - I hope you'll expand on this). But why Ralts? What makes them fit to be the ruling species? Did it just happen that way, or did Arceus choose them because they're sensitive to others' emotions so they'd be better than humans? Why are they of different elements, and how does its element get chosen? When do they have this ceremony? Why can't males evolve into Gardevoir? These are really interesting questions and are important for world-building, because you want to show that there are reasons behind your choices aside from "but I wanted to," and I'm not sure you've thought about this stuff just yet.

    Unfortunately, it's hard to comment much on your plot at this point, so I'll get into specific ntpicks. Try not to be discouraged by them; no writer is perfect when they start out, but the important thing is to learn from your mistakes. Take the advice you get and use it to improve your writing for the future.

    1) Use a spellchecker. You have a lot of silly spelling mistakes like "arival" and "strenth," which wouldn't be there if you had proofread your work or used a spellchecker to find them for you. That's also why you should be writing on Microsoft Word or a similar program - it allows you to both save your work so you can edit and proofread it, while also checking for mistakes you may have made. Please start using it.

    2) Capitalize the right things. Names of characters, places and Pokemon need to be capitalized always because they are proper nouns, plus the word "I." If it's not a proper noun, it doesn't get capitalized - be careful, since you capitalized random words here and there. So "Arceus," "Alpha," "Omega" should always be capitalized because they are names, and you have to be consistent with whether or not you capitalize the names of Pokemon species, because you weren't consistent with " articuno, zapdos and Moltres." Either capitalize all species or none of them.

    3) Be careful with how often you use ellipses. Having "..." once or twice is okay for dramatic effect, but if you use it too often it loses its effect and just looks lazy.

    4) Be careful with commas. You actually use them quite well most of the time, but you're in the habit of using them to give the name of something, such as "which they call, Nillia" and "The Ralts Live in a floating city called, Soaria." There should not be a comma or any other kind of punctuation here. Otherwise, you use commas perfectly!

    5) Learn how to use colons. You can only use : after a complete sentence, which means that if you replaced the colon with a period, it would make sense as a complete sentence. For instance, take "Soaria, is supported by an ancient Jewel called: the Shard of Alpha." and replace the : with a . and you'll see that it doesn't make sense. Almost every time you used a colon you can literally just take it out because it's unnecessary.

    6) Don't use parentheses for important information. If you present (something important) this I just did, you signify that it's not actually all that important. But the name of the world they live in and other such things is very important, s it shouldn't be in brackets this way. In fact, you should rarely use brackets in a story.

    7) Write out numbers if they are smaller than ten. So instead of "5" it should be "five."

    8) Just keep in mind that you need to hit the enter button twice after each paragraph, and that each chapter of your fic must be at least two pages long on Microsoft Word (another good reason to use the program).

    These are all very basic things you need to know when writing, not just for fan fiction but also for school, important e-mails and letters and so on. It's all pretty basic stuff, and it's easy once you get the hang of it.

    I hope you'll make the right edits to your story and keep this in mind as you continue. It sounds like you have an interesting concept going, and you'll be taken more seriously and get more readers if they see you putting effort into your writing. Good luck!


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