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Thread: Total Pokemon Crazy Island (PG 14 for Violence and Language )

  1. #1
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    Default Total Pokemon Crazy Island (PG 14 for Violence and Language )


    OOC: Firstly, I'd like to thank the support of my friends on Fanfiction for giving the support to me to do this fic again, so Enjoy.

    Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, but I do own Chandler and Blade

    Chapter 1: 22 Unhappy Pokemon

    It was sunrise, the area was mainly deserted besides two figures on the dock waiting. There was a flaming chandelier with purple flames mysteriously floating, beside him was a warrior like creature sporting the colours red and black with blades surrounding like a certain chess piece.

    "So it is finally beginning" exclaimed the Chandelure.

    "Yup, right you are Chandler. It is a strange circumstance after all the drama we've went through, we get a chance to host" stated Blade the Bisharp.

    "Hmm, let's just introduce ourselves" reminded Chandler.

    The two turn around to the camera.

    "Well hello there audience, welcome to Total Pokemon Crazy Island where 22 Pokemon will compete for 1,000,000,000. My name is Chandler and here is my co-host Blade. We have been on the Fanfiction network and now we moved to here, so I hope to entertain our new audience.

    "Wait that is OVER 9000!!! dollars" shouted Blade.

    "You know our boss is paying for this..."reminded Chandler.

    "Oh, sorry got carried away with the Pop culture joke" said Blade.

    "Let's just get on with meeting the campers arrive" exclaimed Chandler.

    The First Wailord arrives.

    "Why did we need to use Wailords?" questioned Blade.

    "Pfft, Ships are so last year" spurted Chandler.

    Two figures jump off the Wailord.

    The first figure was a dog with orange fur, black stripes on the back and forelegs. There were also fluff on his tail.

    The second figure was a blue and black lynx. He had yellow eyes and tail.

    "Nice to meet you Cano and Sparky" greeted in a overcheery voice by Chandler.

    "Thanks for the greeting" said Sparky the Shinx.

    "But where is everybody else?" questioned Cano the Growlithe.

    "You two are the first guys here... there are twenty more of you" replied Blade.

    Cano and Sparky are staying still.

    "Are you two Okay?" questioned Blade

    "So these two were just commoners who wanted to start a new life by creating a show" thought Sparky and Cano as they read each others minds guessing the situation.

    The next Wailord comes to the shore and a black looking hyena leaves the ship.

    "Uh hi there, I'm Luna..." said the Poochyena shyly.

    "No need to be shy, why don't you just stand next to Sparky" stated Blade firmly.

    Luna went next to Sparky and smiled a little.

    The next Wailord arrives and a ghost with the mask that makes him looks like the Grim Reaper exits the ship.

    Chandler walks to the other ghost.

    "Oh, hi there Grim, it is great to meet another ghost, especially a Duskull" stated Chandler in a positive tone.

    Grim just looks down with a depressed expression and floats off

    Chandler remains with a confused look.

    The next Wailord arrives and a ? shaped being leaves the ship.

    "I'm Enigma..." said the question mark.

    "Yup, you're sure are" replied Blade.

    "Hmm, that was a little short" stated Chandler.

    "Yes it is a very questionable sentence; get it because he is a question mark" said Blade out in the open.

    1...2...3...

    A random guy punches Blade.

    Blade's own count: 1

    "Does things like that happen a lot around here?" questioned Sparky.

    "Actually, this happens to Blade at least once a day" replied Chandler.

    Sparky stays there with a confused expression.

    Another Wailord arrives and a sinister vibe is felt, but only just a male yellow mouse leaves the ship.

    "Hi there Drew, nice to meet you" greeted Blade as he bowed like a gentlemen.

    "Thanks" replied Drew the Pikachu

    Drew walks off and mutters.

    "These two idiots couldn't recognise me, this will be an easy mission" muttered Drew.

    The next Wailord arrives and a blue prehistoric Pokemon with claws, plated body and strangely glasses.

    "Why hello there... WHA!!!" said Chandler before he stopped

    Chandler cowered behind Blade

    "You didn't tell me any Bug Pokemon were here!" stammered Chandler.

    "Well...I...uh" Blade had trouble to come up with a response.

    With my calculations of the string theory and carrying the 3.13435, I have a 100% chance of winning" shouted Alfred the Armaldo.

    Chandler gained a boost of confidence, as he realises Alfred isn't scary.

    "Him Afraid of Bug, does not make sense" brokenly said by Enigma.

    A Lapras arrives...

    "Wait, Lapras too!" Shouted Blade.

    "Don't sweat it dude, the boss is one of the richest people in the region" reminded Chandler.

    A mole like creature who has drill based attachments jumps off the Lapras arrogantly.

    "Hahahaha, no one can defeat the almighty Claw" shouted the Excadrill.

    "What makes you say that?" questioned Blade.

    "My species is banned in competitive battling" shouted Claw once again.

    "So are Blazikens, Bibarels and my species..." sighed Chandler.

    "That is not stopping me" said the Excadrill.

    The contestant arrives personally as he swims along the shore line and makes a backflip.

    "Who is that?" questioned the contestants.

    The figure revealed to be an orange weasel with a rubber ring around his neck.

    "So how is it going Jet?" questioned Chandler.

    "umm..." Jet the Buizel is having trouble speaking.

    The next Wailord arrives and pink perhaps sheared sheep jumps off the Wailord.

    Jet as fast as a speeding bullet came to her.

    "Hi... uh Hi... I am..." Said Jet with trouble.

    "Good to meet you Sally? Oh by the way the Buizel is called Jet" greeted Blade

    "Thanks for the greeting Blade" thanked Sally

    00000000000000000000000

    Jet: I need to work on my social skills

    Blade: Check and Mate, as I get another friend. Get it since I'm a chess piece..

    You know the drill

    A fist punches and flushes him down the toilet.

    Blade's Own count: 2

    00000000000000000000000

    Another Lapras appears and a shiny female human and plant like creature with a flower on top arrives while doing a pose.

    "What a dump..." said the Lilligant.

    "EXCUSE ME!" shouted the hosts.

    "Look at this place, I thought I was going to a resort..."

    "You know our boss pays milions of poke dollars for this island" pointed Blade.

    "Fine, taste my Attract!" said Lilly coldly/

    Lilly the Lilligant fires and mesmerizes every male camper on board, but Chandler and Blade remain unaffected.

    "Ornament and Bishop, why don't you love me?" questioned Lilly.

    "That is classified Information." stated in a somewhat robotic voice.

    "Don't worry you still have us" said Claw.

    The next Wailord arrives as a female bluish black weasel and a female shiny black fox jump off the Wailord.

    "Seriously, where does these Wailords come from?" questioned Blade.

    The Zorua and Sneasel stop for a moment to see Lilly captivating the boys.

    "Hmm, this girl is so manipulative." stated Mystic the Zorua

    "Maybe, she needs to learn a lesson" smirked Aurora the Sneasel.

    Yet another Wailord arrives and a male brown creature with features from multiple other mammals jump off the whale.

    "I knew an Eevee was going to compete in this show" stated Blade loudly.

    "Am I really that popular?" thought Shade the Eevee.

    Just as a spur of the moment, another Wailord arrives and another Eevee, but female jumps off.

    "Aye Carumba, two Eevees... how are we going to refer them?" shouted Blade

    "Well they are different genders and the female one is somewhat fluffier" stated Chandler.

    The female Eevee blushed.

    The two Eevee's turn to each other.

    "Hi there, my name is Shade" greeted the Male Eevee

    "Well it is nice to meet you Shade, my name is Shine" replied the female Eevee.

    The two looked one another with passion.

    Another mysterious vibe is felt as the next ship arrives, as an Absol(sorry Absol is a bit too peculiar to describe) jumps off the ship.

    "Holy smokes we are all dead... Disasters will be all upon us" shouted most of the campers.

    "This is not true" scowled Ray the Absol.

    "I'm not a fan of stereotyping either, my species are thought by humans, to burn people's bodies and suck up their souls leaving them in ashes" sighed Chandler.

    Everyone took a step back.

    A blinking objects appears in the sky.

    "Hey it's a Pidgey" stated Cano with confidence.

    "No, bro it is a Swellow" replied Sparky.

    "NO IT IS A BLAZIKEN FOR PETE'S SAKE" shouted Blade.

    "Firstly, Blaziken can't learn Fly, secondly Who's Pete?" questioned Shade.

    The Blaziken does a somersault and lands with impact.

    "Now that's what I call style" complimented Jet.

    "My name is Kai..." said the Blaziken.

    Kai turns around at Lilly.

    "FALCON KICK!!!" shouted Kai as he uses Blaze Kick on Lilly.

    It is Super Effective!

    "Why you goddamn clucker, why did you just hit a princess" screamed Lilly.

    "Look at your back" pointed Kai.

    Lilly realised there was a Kick Me sign behind her.

    Aurora and Mystic giggled at the misfortune.

    Confessional:

    Aurora: I already love it here...

    The next Wailord arrives and a female reddish fox with 6 tails jumped off the Wailord.

    Cano’s jaw drops from the sight of her.

    Confessional:
    Cano: That Vulpix named Vixen is, so hot, only a few hours on this Island and I’m going to get a girlfriend

    As a normal circumstance, another Wailord arrives and a male sun shaped rock with face floats on to the dock.

    "Hey Cosmic" greeted Chandler.

    The Solrock remains silent

    "Cosmic..."

    "COSMIC!"

    Cosmic the Solrock still remains silent.

    "WHY THER ARE SO MANY WEIRD THINGS IN THIS WORLD WE CAN'T COMPREHEND" shouted Chandler.

    Chandler started to steam up.

    The next Wailord arrives; a Shiny horse with flames comes on to the docks

    "Welcome to Total Pokemon Island Blair" Said Chandler who changed his mood, while twitching uncontrollablely.


    "Thanks for the greeting" replied Blair.

    Blair walks on and trips on a pebble.

    Chandler started to panic" Blair are you ok? Do you need a hospital? How many fingers am I holding? Why do birds suddenly appear? What level does Aggron learn Metal Burst? What if Ross did said yes and I cared? Why am I asking so many questions and what am I doing with my life?

    The contestants were both getting amused and freaked out over Chandler having bad reactions.

    Blair gets up and acts strange

    "Who is Blair? I’m Lizzy the computer genius, also I'm fine, Chandler I'd like to point out you don't have any arms, bird Pokemon appear everywhere, because they flying covers large distances, Aggron learns the move Metal Burst at Level 78, I don't know who Ross is and you most likely have too much time in your life to spend."lectured Blair.

    "You know what that's it I give up, Blade just take it from here" said Chandler in an eerie voice, as he floated away.

    The next Wailord arrives and a female orange monkey with a flame on it tails jumped off groggily. It is also notable she was wearing a grey jacket.

    "OK, Let's see, Hey Flare, how's it going?" Blade walks over to Flare.

    "I'M FINE" shouted Flare the Monferno

    "Huh" questioned Blade.

    "I SAID I'M FINE!" shouted Flare once again.

    "What is wrong with me" as Blade looked down.

    Confessional:

    Flare: Ouch! I knew those injuries would still hurt, I need help
    Cameraman: Then go home
    Flare: NO!! NOT BACK WITH MY TRAINER!
    Flare wasn't aware Blade was hearing from outside.

    The last Wailord finally arrives and a male green and white warrior pokemon jumps off boldly.

    "I am Antonio and I hope we have a good day" greeted the Gallade.

    "Finally a gentlemen type" relieved Blade.

    "Since I finally regained sanity, I can say welcome to Total Pokemon Crazy Island to all of you.

    "Crazy? why is it called Crazy?" questioned Chandler.

    Chandler turned red.

    Now I'll show you!" shouted Chandler.

    "OK... now I understand the situation" pouted Jet.

    "Well we did make this contest to promote..." Chandler stopped for a while as he said the wrong sentence. " I mean to give a chance for someone to be famous.

    We've waited a really long time for this, so I'll explain the teams" said Blade

    The contestants will be divided into two teams. Cano, Vixen, Sparky, Ray, Luna, Antonio, Drew, Blair, Enigma, Shade and Solara will be in one team they will be known as the Raging Rayquazas.

    Some of the campers were pleased with the name.

    The other team will be consisted of Jet, Sally, Kai, Lilly, Alfred, Mystic, Aurora, Grim, Flare and Claw they will be called the Killer Kyurems.

    Confessional:

    Claw: Pretty awesome names, but not as awesome as me.

    Cano: Yes, me and Vixen are on the same team, now it is time to make her my girlfriend.

    "We will allow you to sleep in your cabins after the first challenge is over" stated Chandler.

    "What, you know what bring it on knave" challenged Claw.

    The scene leads to a cliff.

    "OK campers your first challenge is..." explained Chandler.

    "A cliff jumping challenge" interrupted Drew.

    "Not just any cliff jumping challenge, this one has...

    "Sharpedos" interrupted Drew once again.

    "Do you want to explain this Drew?" questioned Chandler angrily.

    "Fine" shrugged Drew.

    Chandler clears his throat and restarts "OK campers your first challenge is to jump off this very cliff to the ring in the water. The team with the most campers who have successfully have jumped in become the winners.

    "Are you sure this is safe?" questioned Shade.

    "Oh, you want a demonstration sure" replied Chandler as he grabbed Blade.

    "Chandler, what are you..."

    Chandler throws Blade off the cliff.

    Blade was falling at a considerably fast rate and he was screaming "NEVER AGAIN CHANDLER PYRE BING OH MY ARCEUS!".

    Blade lands on a buoy and cracking noise happens in his lower body.

    Blade's own count: 3

    All the campers cringe.

    "See perfectly safe, by the way the Kyurems are first" grinned Chandler.

    "Well since I'm a water type, this will be easy" Jet stated as he jumped and scored a point.

    "End my misery" said Grim sadly as he jumps off the cliff in an act of suicide, but survives and scores a point.

    This repeatably caused most members of the team, the confidence to jump off the cliff and all of them scored points.

    It was Cosmic and Flare next

    "I don't think I can do this" said Flare with a worried look.

    "Nonsense, just watch me" Blade comes out of nowhere and jumps... again

    "Blade, we don't need another demonstration" shouted Chandler who was too late.

    Blade lands on the buoy... again.

    Blade's own count: 4

    Flare gains the confidence to jump and nails it quite right.

    Hey Cosmic your turn" reminded Chandler.

    The Solrock remains silent

    "Cosmic..."

    "COSMIC!"

    "Fine no point for you" said Chandler coldly as he totalled 10 points for the Kyurems.

    Confessional:

    In all honesty, I'm afraid of water and that Chandler seems to have some mood swings for some reasons, although at some instances it can be seen as humorous.

    Now it was the Rayquaza's turn to jump.

    All pokemon went through a similar degree, as the braver individuals jumped first giving inspiration.

    "I'm impressed with all of your bravery campers, normally 3 people would've chickened out right now" stated Chandler with pleasure.

    Ray and Vixen were left.

    "Well wish me luck" said Vixen as she was about to jump

    When Vixen was about to jump Ray pushed her off the cliff, causing both to fall.

    Both not only fail to score a point, also landed near a Sharpedo.

    "What the heck is going" pointed out Kai.

    "This is my chance..." thought Cano.

    A strange psychic force lifts both Vixen and Ray out of the water.

    The force came from Cano.

    Most were shocked by the power of the Growlithe.

    Chandler smiled at the situation as Cano had something interesting in mind.

    Everyone was angry at Ray for what he done.

    "Umm Cano, can you talk to me for a moment" asked Vixen

    "Yes it is finally happening" thought Cano.

    "Would you be my... friend?" asked Vixen.

    Cano stopped for a while

    "Maybe I could get in the friend zone"

    "Yes I'll be your friend.

    "Well it is nice we've got some friendships going on here, but we all know that the Kyurems won, as only 9 Rayquazas have scored points.

    As everyone left there was some rustling in the bushes.

    "Heh this hypnotising pendulum completely controlled that Absol" laughed Drew

    The scene leads to a camp fire

    "Team Reshiram you lost the challenge, now the votes are in someone will be going away tonight, when I call your name out I will toss an Oran Berry at you, the one that doesn’t get a berry will be eliminated" stated Chandler in a firm tone.

    "Cano"

    "Sparky"

    "Antonio"

    "Blair"

    "Solara"

    "Shade"

    "Drew

    "Luna

    "Enigma

    The last two were Vixen and Ray.

    Well I'd like to say that the pokemon that is leaving tonight is definitely Ray and it is.

    Ray leaves in confusion.

    In an area far away a human was watching everything

    He had Jet black hair that is neatly arranged with a fringe with light blue eyes and light brown skin. He wearing Dark blue T-shirt, with blue jeans, light blue jacket, white trainers along with a dark blue jacket

    "Seems to be our first episode is done" thought the human.

    I shall be pulling the strings here as I, Aakash98 the owner of this show will be the boss here


    OOC: I'm a character as well, and I'm Ok if you find any mistakes for me to correct. Here is the contestant list if you ever get confused.

    Here is the contestant list, which will update when evolutions occur.
    Cano: Male Growlithe
    Vixen: Female Vulpix
    Sparky: Male Shinx
    Luna: Female Poochyena
    Shade: Male Eevee
    Solara: Female Eevee( Shade and Solara will evolve into different Eeveelutions)
    Grim: Male Duskull
    Cosmic: Male Solrock
    Enigma: Male ? Unown
    Mystic: Female Shiny Zorua
    Lilly: Female Shiny Lilligant
    Claw: Male Excadrill
    Blair: Female Shiny Ponyta (She has multiple personality disorder, so she can be recalled as Megan; the goth, Susan;the flirty one and Lizzy; the nerd)
    Kai: Male Blaziken
    Ray: Male Absol
    Flare: Female Monferno
    Drew: Male Pikachu
    Aurora: Female Sneasel
    Jet: Male Buizel
    Sally: Female Flaaffy
    Antonio: Male Gallade
    Alfred: Male Armaldo
    Last edited by Aakash98; 28th November 2012 at 5:00 PM.

  2. #2
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    Well the title is apt, because 'totally crazy' just about sums up how I felt reading this.

    You say your friends encouraged you to do this fic again. I really hope that means you've just re-posted the original work, because this has far too many mistakes and errors to be a revision or a second draft.

    Before I get to the negative aspects let me tell you the one thing I did like; the names you used for each team. 'Raging Rayquaza's' and 'Killer Kyurems' are great choices.

    I won't go over every single problem I found, just the first few.

    Here we go;

    First off the contestant list should be at the end, it spoils the surprise of discovering who the contestants are and what the story will be about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Akash98
    It was sunrise, all was mainly emptieness besides two figures on the dock waiting. There was a male flaming chandlier with purple flames mysteriously floating, beside him was a male warrior like creature sporting the colours red and black with blades surrounding like a certain chess piece.
    1 - Emptiness and chandelier are spelled wrong.

    2 - The use of the word 'male' is not needed.

    3 - Your description 'all was mainly emptiness' doesn't make sense since your describing an outdoor setting. Just say 'the area was almost completely deserted.'

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "So it is finally beginning" exclaimed the Chandelure.
    Add a comma when someone is finished speaking if you continue with how it was said or who said it. You repeat this error throughout.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "Yup right you are Chandler, it is a strange circumumstance after all the drama we've went through, we get a chance to host" stated Blade the Bisharp.
    1 - Circumstance isn't spelled correctly.

    2 - There should be a comma after 'yup' and before you close the sentence.

    3 - There should be a full stop after 'Chandler' The rest of the sentence should be seperate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "Well hello there audience, welcome to Total Pokemon Crazy Island where 22 Pokemon will compete for 1,000,000,000. My name is Chandler and here is my co-host Blade. We have been on the Fanfiction network and now we moved to here, so I hope to entertain our new audience. forgot to close speech bubbles, makes no sense, are they on tv?
    Is there a camera in front of them? Who are they speaking to? Is it supposed to be us? If this is the type of tone and effort you want to convey? Then perhaps this should be the opening paragraph.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "Thanks for the greeting" said Sparky the Shinx.

    "But where is everybody else?" questioned Cano the Growlithe.
    Small details but I think switching the name of the pokemon and the pokemon itself sound better. So it would read, 'said the Shinx named Sparky.'

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "You two are OK?" questioned Blade.
    This is how Yoda speaks, it should read "Are you two okay?" And you forgot the full stop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "Uh hi there, I'm Luna..." said the Poochyena shyly.

    "You seem to be shy, Luna, why don't you just stand next to Sparky" stated Blade firmly.
    This is so awkward, he should say "No need to be nervous..." rather than flat out say she seems shy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aakash98
    "I'M A KILLER!" shouted Grim.

    Chandler stays there with a very shocked expression.
    As do I. Seriously, what the hell? This is so bizarre and doesn't even fit with his character when we later discover he's very apathetic and sad.

    I'll stop here otherwise this review will end up going on longer than your story.

    The structure of the piece is fine for the most part, it's spaced appropriately at least. But there are dozens of missing speech bubbles, comma's and full stops. Also, those 'Confessions' in bold should be removed, they break the flow and make little sense. Are they supposed to be like reality tv cutaway's? I'm also unsure what the competition is about exactly, is it like a whacky game show?

    Personally I think you have too many characters and too little effort put in to realize something this complex. Focus on a couple of main characters and let the others stay in the background.

    Good luck.
    Black FC: 2408 4926 3109 - Kyle
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  3. #3
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    I see some changes since the last time you've posted this. Also, this may sound like a stupid question, but is that the only chapter?
    FC: 1332-8918-6873
    Credit: AstralShadow (userbar) & Kida-Ookami (badge) & SwornMetalhead (symbol)


  4. #4
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    I'm kind of currently on writers block now and I'm changing from the original script format into actual writing

  5. #5
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    Yeah...writers black does suck. But, it would be a good improvement to change the format though.
    FC: 1332-8918-6873
    Credit: AstralShadow (userbar) & Kida-Ookami (badge) & SwornMetalhead (symbol)


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