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Thread: Future Member (PG oneshot)

  1. #1

    Default Future Member (PG oneshot)

    Rating: PG
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Characters/Parings: Mars, Cyrus and Saturn
    Genre: Friendship
    Status: complete
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: This story occurred 3 years agi. When Mars first joined Team Galactic. And yes, I my Cyrus speech was mixed in with his actual game words.

    It was a cold autumn morning at the beach as many people started to gather around the water. It was not snowing, however the temperature dropped to the low sixties. During this time, the waves were increasingly getting higher and higher making this an ideal day to surf. Surfers quickly ran to the water, so fast that some even knocked down a few unsuspecting tourists walking in their path. However, that was not all that was happening on this semi-chilly autumn.

    There was a large podium being set up toward the rocky ruins. This one was rather unusual and it turned a lot of heads as it was about finishing touch ups. This podium had a blue background with lots of stars. Not only that but on the top, it had a big yellow letter G. This attracted the attention of a teenaged girl who was walking along the shore. Her red hair was fluttering in the breeze as the mist from the water sprayed onto her white t-shirt. She quickly got away from the water before her clothes could become soaked and proceeded to sit down at a nearby picnic table.

    This young lady was named Mars, and she lived in a quiet town called Sandgem Town, which was directly next to the beach. Mars enjoyed the beach, especially during this time of the month. Every July, the temperatures would rise into the fifties to mid-sixties. There would be a ton of leaves falling, but not as much as the last autumn. From there, she would walk along the shore and maybe catch a few waves with her boogie board. For now, she wanted to see what the commotion was about. As people started to flock to this podium, Mars reached into her purse and took out a small bottle of drinking water.

    As she sipped a bit of her water, she felt someone tapping on her shoulder. She looked up to her left and she saw a young man, about four years older, standing over her. This guy had blue hair, shaped in a pointy fashion and his outfit looked rather spaceman like. He wore black pants with a white vested shirt that the same G emblem on the corner of his shirt. She thought he was cute. While Mars flashed a smile at him, he sat down next to her backwards on the bench seat. Even though he seemed relaxed, Mars could sense that he was a bit unsure of what to say as he just approached her.

    “Hi. Nice weather we are having right?” the teenager asked.

    “Lovely… perfect for going to the beach,” Mars replied as she was twiddling her thumbs. “Not often that we get two months out of the year where it’s warm.”

    The young man nodded as he blushed lightly. “Yeah, I came here for my seventeenth birthday two months ago actually and the temperature was great. About sixty three degrees actually.”

    Mars nodded as she glanced over the podium and saw a young woman, standing over it as she was speaking. She had no time to listen to her words but she did notice that she had a figure that she thought was ideal for a female. Small waist with a good sized bust was ideal and her long pink hair was down as she would run her fingers through it during her speech. Mars also noticed that her uniform had the same emblem as the guy that was talking to her.

    “You’re on the same team, group or whatever?” she asked as she turned to him.

    “Who, the girl speaking?” the young man started to say. “Yeah, pretty much. Jupiter and I are commanders for a team called Team Galactic. They are recruiting more members, which is why I am here. I am just taking it easy here. Jupiter does most of the speaking now. She is also dating the boss of this team and today, he wanted her to open for him.”

    The red head shook her head in agreement as she focused on the guy she was talking to. A short pause lingered at both looked around for an answer to something else they wanted to say.

    “Well, I’m Saturn,” he said as he stuck out his hand, motioning for Mars to shake it. “What might your name be?”

    The girl took his hand and she gave it a firm shake as she flashed a smile. “I’m Mars…”

    “Mars… that’s a pretty name,” Saturn replied as he couldn’t stop staring at her. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Mars.”

    Mars just shook her head while she looked over at the podium. However, the girl who was speaking not too long ago left and now an older man was taking the stand. Once she laid eyes on him, however, she immediately became intrigued. His short blue hair was flowing in the wind and his voice flowed into her ears as he spoke. The uniform he was wearing made him look taller and more defined. Mars was too busy engrossed in his speech to realize that Saturn was trying to get her attention.

    The speech itself went like this:

    "Hear me, fellow citizens! My name, as I appear to you today, is Cyrus. This world of ours is a crude one. In a word, it is incomplete. It has been, and always will be, a struggle to survive in this world. We humans and Pokémon are likewise incomplete. Because we are all so lacking, we fight, we maim... It is ugly. I hate the incompleteness. That we are all incomplete, I hate it with my entire body and being. The world should be complete. The world must change. Then, who will change it? Me, Cyrus. And Team Galactic. Yes, I am urging you to join Team Galactic today. Together, we can change the world. We can end all wars and expose the secrets of this world. We can finally live in one peace. So onward my friends. Thanks for your time.”

    The older man stepped off the stage with his date in tow. Once he disappeared behind the Galactic set, Mars still couldn’t help but stare. Cyrus’ words were still processing in her brain. His words about changing the incomplete world and ending all fighting reminded her of the problems in her own family. Ones that she wished could stop. ‘If ending incompleteness means that I can have a normal family again, then I shall heed his words. But… what is Team Galactic?’

    “Mars...” Saturn said as he continued to tap her shoulder. “Mars, are you alright? I was trying to ask you something but you ignored me.”

    The redheaded girl snapped back to full alertness once she felt the Galactic commander tap her shoulder. She blushed madly as she turned away from Saturn and moved her hand up and down her arm in nervousness.

    “Sorry, Saturn,” she said in an apologetic voice. “I was thinking about that man’s words. I… I think I… I want to join your team.”

    Saturn’s eyes widened when he registered the last thing Mars said to him. He couldn’t keep the concern out of his gaze when he came closer to the redhead. ‘Mars seems like a sweet girl. She does not know what she could get herself into believing Cyrus’ words. I know I’ve allowed myself to fall into this but I don’t think Mars’ emotions are as strong as mine…’ he thought as he reached out and took her hand.

    “Mars… you need to think about this,” Saturn began to say. “Anyone can say that they are going to change the world. I know that Cyrus’ words have logic in them, which is why I have allowed myself o believe him. Because, I’d like to see what he would do. You can join, however I’d be weary if I were you…”

    Mars nodded as she got up from the bench and gave the blue headed commander a defiant glare. She could sense that this young man was trying to look out for her; however, she could make her own decisions even though she was easily swayed.

    “If changing the world with erasing incompleteness means that I can have my dad back in my life again, then I shall seek out that Cyrus,” she said in a snippy manor. “My parents have always fought when I was younger. Because of that, I don’t have a normal family like other kids. Say what you want, but, I am tired of all the fighting not only in the home, but at school and in everyday life. I’ll join the team and I shall help that man create the world he speaks of.”

    Just like that, Mars rolled her eyes and started to walk back towards the small town. Saturn couldn’t help but wonder if he said anything to upset her the way he did. But one thing was for sure, she seemed pretty headstrong about what she wanted to do. And he admired that.
    Last edited by はるひ; 9th January 2013 at 2:14 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
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    this is really cool, for some reason i am seeing similarities to the sith coming from team galactic but thats just me.
    i know its a oneshot but i could see many more stories sprouting from this, (maybe u already have and i missed them but still.)
    #AlphaSapphire
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  3. #3

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    I agree. I wanted to do one with how Team Galactic started. lol
    岩根雅明=♡

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    Graivty Falls, Oregon
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    Why, hello there, Silver. Long time no see. I shall be critiquing this fiction o' yours.

    A recurring problem I've seen with your fan fictions is the prose you use- you just sort of state everything. It is important to leave some things up to the reader's interpretation, like Mars/Saturn Ship. I'm sure plenty of people never saw the potential for that, but evidently some did, given your writing about it. Now if your writing style was used in the original Diamond and Pearl, there'd be no doubt in anybody's mind that they were beginning a relationship. Other examples:

    She thought he was cute.
    There are better ways to explain this. Suggest, rather than tell, that her attention faded from both the cold and grew towards him, or that she was quickly able to look at the person past the bizarre clothing. Again, not in those exact words, but it is more interesting than simply stating it, and can hint at exactly why and how she thinks Saturn is cute.

    “Mars… that’s a pretty name,” Saturn replied as he couldn’t stop staring at her. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Mars.”
    Saying that he couldn't stop staring at her is good, but the sentence structure feels awkward. Perhaps split it into two sentences. Like maybe: "Saturn replied. He couldn't stop staring at her." Additionally, it would be better to show, and not state it. Something like "His eyes never left her.", or some-such.

    Well, it's Thanksgiving, so I have to go, but this is a good foundation for some good writing. You're very good at having the willpower to write and put your stories up for critique; that's something that has stopped me almost altogether. Anyway, good luck, and have a nice Thanksgiving!

  5. #5

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    Ah true, I did want the readers to know that in this, Saturn was the one approaching Mars lol

    Anyway, I actually got to hear Saturn's anime voice so I got to imagine his voice with the lines I've given him lol
    岩根雅明=♡

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
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    Jubilife City, Sinnoh
    Posts
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    Saturn's a GUY!!!!!!!!!


    Magikarp used splash! It's a one-hit KO!

  7. #7

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    ^ like I DIDN'T know that...
    岩根雅明=♡

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