Stop me if you've heard this one before. A nice American family is enjoying a day at the park. Dad's tossing back a brewsky and Mom's unpacking the food while Junior plays cowboy with his friends. Then, from the sky, a deafening screech. A harbinger of terror descending on their freedom. You look up for a second -- what's that? Mom's stopped unfolding the blanket. All eyes are toward the sky. Dad reaches for the Glock, but nothing -- the Commie fascists took his bullets. You're watching and you want to cry out for God but it's too late -- God's not in America anymore.
And just like that, their Junior's gone. 'Cause -- boom -- a f*cking eagle.
Maybe some of you have seen this footage of a boy being carried off in Toronto:
Well, lucky for us, that was fake. But tomorrow it might not be. And while the rest of America is caught up talking about new gun control and this and that and
how our new technology is scary, I want to know why no one's talking about the real issue:
Soon, someone, somewhere is just going to print a 3D f*cking bird.
Think with your heads for a minute. The eagle in that video was made with a 3D computer program. 3D printers already have the technology to make guns. A bird isn't even twice as complicated as a gun. Sure the technology doesn't exist now, but in five years? Ten? What are we waiting for, any Schmo with IE9 to open up his vulture.exe and have it start shoving children up its horrifying cloaca?
So excuse me for seeing the problem.
Oh my God, we're all so off our asses talking about getting rid of weapons. I even see people wasting breath on mental health reform and violent culture. Some people -- Jesus -- some Americans are still getting up in the morning and putting in eight hours at their worthless, thankless jobs instead of being at home with their families stockpiling basements full of rations, M-16s and lifesize breadcrumb dopplegangers soaked in gasoline.
And Obama's talking about gun control. And Boehner's talking about fiscal cliffs.
Which -- Sweet Lord in Heaven --
None of it matters any more because someone's just going to print a god damn 3D bird.
And soon we'll just be printing them out right and left.
Wake up. Get off the Internet. Give up your politicized ideals. This is what America will look like:
I'm trying to get over it. I really am. I told my family I wasn't even buying Christmas gifts this year because, f*ck it -- what's the point? Someone's just going to 3D print a goddamn falcon to carry us all back to its sex cave.
And you can't stop them with gun laws.
You can't stop them with anything.
You know who doesn't care about laws?
F*cking birds. That's who.