View Poll Results: Who's your favorite character?

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  • Black

    4 80.00%
  • White

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  • Professor Juniper

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  • Drayden

    0 0%
  • Wrath

    1 20.00%
  • Lust

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Thread: Inferno Chronicles: Embers

  1. #1
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    Post Inferno Chronicles: Embers

    Formerly known as Across the World, And Back Again

    Nominated for Best New Writer

    I would and do appreciate rates. Doesn't matter if it's long, short, rude, nice, but hey, I want them. So please, just take the 42 seconds and write something. Thank you. ~Chapter Of Charizard

    Chapter(s) edited, reread, and/or revised: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 18, 19

    Hey everyone. This is the first fan-fic I've made. I love Pokemon, and I love writing, so why not?

        Spoiler:- Table of Contents:

        Spoiler:- Character Bios - CONTAINS SPOILERS:


        Spoiler:- Author's Profile:


        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Expect to see certain things in this fiction that you may not want to see:
    Blood, Violence, and Language (Cursing)



    Inferno Chronicles...
    Volume I



    Embers
    PG-14
    Part One...
    Chapter 1: Prologue To Adventure

    BEEP BEEP BEEP

    The alarm clock shouted excitedly with the fact that it was morning and that I should be getting up. I swung at it to hit the snooze button, but my hand hit only air. My vision still blurred from just waking up, I turned for my night table and hit something on it.

    “Darumakaaaaaaaa!”

    “Sawbluuuuuuuuu!”

    My two Pokemon erupted from their Poke Balls, Swablu and Darumaka. “Hey you guys,” I said. I headed downstairs after returning my Pokemon to their Poke Balls.

    “Hey mom. I’m going to train today. I want to be ready to prove to Professor Juniper that I’m ready for an adventure!” I said.

    “Okay, but be careful. I don’t want you going near Challenger Cave, it’s too dark, and too dangerous. In fact, why don’t you go battle your friend, White.”

    “Mom, we’ve battled a billion times already,” I said. My neighbor White is a pretty strong trainer. He has three Pokemon, and he’s 4 months older than me.

    Ding-dong!!!

    The door-bell rang. At the door was White. “Hey Black, I really want to battle today! Yesterday, my Sandile evolved into a Krokorok! He’s huge!” exclaimed White, sounding really excited. “No way…” I said. I was amazed. He’s been trying to evolve it forever.

    “Okay, let’s go!” I said.

    We ran to the Opeculid Gym. The leader in our town, Drayden, always lets us use a smaller battlefield in the back. We ran inside. “Hey, Drayden, we’re going to go battle today!!!” We said, in almost perfect synchronization. “Alright, you know where to go,” he responded.

    Which was true. We’d done this so many times. We leaped onto the hand of a statue of a dragon. We stepped on an arrow that brought us upward onto another statue’s hand. We ran around to the statue’s body, and pulled on a small bump on the wall. The bump was a lever that opened a door which led to the field. “Come on, I wanna see your new Pokemon!” I said.

    We stepped into our positions. “Go, Swablu!” “Come on out, Krokorok!” The Pokemon I saw was a huge crocodile, with black stripes on its back and huge teeth.

    “Check out this cool move -- Krokorok, use Thunder Fang!” His teeth lit up, and small blue and yellow shock waves appeared around them. “Swablu, dodge that and use Pluck!” Swablu was much faster and dodged easily. As suspected, White gave Krokorok a Rawst Berry to protect against Darumaka’s Fire Fang, because he always gets a burn with that move. But, with my Swablu, I could use a new move learned on him with it. “Swablu, finish with Natural Gift!” I shouted. Swablu swallowed the berry, and open its mouth wide. A green orb of light appeared, and shot out of her mouth in a few bursts. Krokorok took direct damage from them. His knees began to tremble. “Hahaha!!! Do you think that all we learned was Thunder Fang?” he said.

    Krokorok stood up. “Ya’ know, I don’t really like the way this battle is going…
    Krokorok, use roar!” His Pokemon yelled with such force you’d think it was a Hyper Voice. Swablu was caught in a whirlwind, and shot back into my Poke Ball. A red light appeared from my belt. My Poke Ball! The red light morphed into an image of Darumaka, and suddenly the light was gone, and Darumaka was in the place of where it was.

    “What!?”

    “Yea, roar switches the Pokemon in battle, and one of the inactive Pokemon! Get ready for the finish! Krokorok, use Mud Slap!”

    My dazed and confused Darumaka was smacked by a blob of mud that Krokorok threw at him. Darumaka was hurt pretty badly, until I remembered. “Darumaka, use Fire Punch!” Darumaka wiped his eyes, and jumped into the air while winding a punch, and then rocketed at Krokorok. It barely did anything. “Hah! That didn’t do a thing!” White shouted. But, as if the flame knew what I was about to say, it appeared on Krokorok’s right arm. “No, but that will!” I said. Burned. Krokorok and White were a perfect pair, because they both shrugged it off. “So what, Krokorok is equipped with a Rawst Berry!” White said. But, when he reached for the band that once held the Rawst Berry on his leg, it wasn’t there. “Or don’t you remember my new move, Natural Gift?” I said.

    At that moment I commanded the finishing move. “Darumaka, Incinerate!” Darumaka puffed out his cheeks and spit out a flame. He countered. “Krokorok, use Sand Tomb!” The move that hit would finish that Pokemon. The two Pokemon were determined, and didn’t let up.

    “Well look at these two pros! Quite a match!”

    Both Pokemon stopped and turned to see who interrupted the match, as did White and I. Professor Juniper was in the doorway. “Professor Juniper!” we gasped. The Pokemon were also surprised. At that moment Krokorok crumpled.

    “Hmph. Told you the burn would do it!” I said. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!” White said, in a frustrated tone.

    “Good job, Darumaka!” she said, “Come on you two, I have a surprise for you.”

    She led us outside and to the home next to the gym. She must have been staying here for a visit. All she did was pick up a green suitcase with a glossy, yellow handle. She clicked both sides open. I knew what was inside before she said anything.
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:04 AM.


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  2. #2
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    Chapter 2: Dex Entry 004

    With a creaky moan, the box slid open.

    Inside, were three glossy Poke Balls, each with a small piece of paper that gave information about them.

    White urgently said, “Are those what I think they are!” I was more calm, and examined them. I picked one up, but what came out was not what I expected…

    “These aren’t Pokemon that you are familiar with. Professor Oak from Kanto, Professor Willow from Demetry, and I switched starter Pokemon as an experiment. These Pokemon are from the Kanto Region, as most Unova people have never even heard of the Demetry region. It was recently discovered with all sorts of different Pokemon. A strange phoenix looking bird, smaller than a Moltres or a Ho-Oh, flew over a ship. They followed it and found an entire continent! Anyway, these are the Pokemon you can choose from. Charmander, which you just opened Black, Bulbasaur, and the third Pokemon is-“ White interrupted Professor Juniper. “Squirtle! The third one is Squirtle! Can I pleaseeeee have that one! I want a Squirtle!!!”

    “Haha, of course you can! That just means that you, Black, will choose between Charmander and Bulbasaur.”

    I opened Bulbasaur. He had a small sprout on his back, and walked on four legs. Charmander walked on two legs, and had a small flame on the tip of his tail.

    “Hmm. I think, I think Charmander is the one I want.” I said.

    I returned Bulbasaur to his Poke Ball, and put it in Professor Juniper’s case. “Good pick!” she said, in a peppy voice.

    She closed the case, and congratulated us. “I’m so proud of you two. Now, a journey is where you travel around collecting the eight gym badges of a region. In this region there are more than eight, in fact, there are nine. Cheren, Roxie, Burgh, Elesa, Clay, Skyla, Brycen, Drayden, and Marlon. Brycen is retired for the most part, but I’m sure that if you asked him, he’d be happy to give you a battle! After collecting all badges, you will battle in the Pokemon World Tournament, battle the Elite Four, fight the current Champion, Iris, and finally, I will show you a place called the nature Sanctuary! Strange and foreign Pokemon live deep inside. I can’t wait for you to defeat the first gym leader!”

    “Uhhh… And who might that be?” asked White.

    “Well, there’s no designated, ‘first gym leader,’ but there is one in your town, so I’d guess that you would want to fight him!” she said.

    “What! But that’s Drayden! And he’s like, super strong!” I exclaimed. How did she excpect us to defeat Drayden…

    “Hmmph. I bet he isn’t so tough. But anyways, I’m going to go train my new Squrtle! Catch ya’ later Black! Bye Professor Juniper!” With that, White fled the room. “Thank you Professor.” I left after saying goodbye.

    I let out my new Charmander to talk to and examine. “Hey Charmander. We’re going to train, okay? You’re my new Pokemon, and we’re going to have lots of fun together!”

    He seemed… confused. I decided a battle might refresh him on what’s happening, so I asked to battle a motorcyclist on the route nearby. When I threw out Charmander, he appeared ready.

    Then, the first attack came. “Luxray, finish with one move, use Crunch!”

    Charmander braced to dodge, but when Luxray was right in front of him, he didn’t move. The Crunch hit hard, but he stayed standing… Barely on his feet, but standing…

    “Charmander no! Counter with Ember!” I said. It was such a weak move. What was I thinking putting him through this!

    But, what came next was quite a miracle. His gaping mouth created a small spark, and, shot out a powerful beam of beautiful fire. Green, orange, and gold fire spun at Luxray. It was amazing. On contact, Luxray was knocked out. “Whaa! You cheated!” shouted my opponent.

    I scanned the cute red reptile sitting before me who looked worn out, and exhausted. The Pokedex told me. It told me everything.
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:04 AM.


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  3. #3
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    Hi. I happen to r&r fics as first reviewer and came on this.
    Overall/7.75-10.Spelling and punctuation errors, and watch spacing . Put a bit more description
    and make fights longer.

    Otherwise, good. You have a decent plot. Just put more description mainly.
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    Quite inactive, but still available. If you have a fanfic that no one wants to review, PM/VM me and I'll give you a hand.

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    Chapter 3: Forecast calls for Sun Showers

    It wasn’t so surprising, in retrospective. The Dex made sense. Okay, let me explain.

    First off, Charmander is hardly a Charmander at all. So, there are these things that the Pokedex lets you see. They’re called stats. And, Charmander’s stats are way out of the ball-park; like, if a guitar has 6 strings, then Charmander has 60 strings. At his current level, which is apparently 6, his Special Attack is really high. Secondly, his ability isn’t Blaze. It’s something called Solar Power, which boosts his Special Attack in sunny weather, but reduces his health a tiny bit each move.

    It explains why he was exhausted, it explains his huge fiery attack on Luxray, and it explains how when I make an attack, and another Pokemon makes the same attack, how they do different amounts of damage.

    I ran back to the building Professor Juniper was in. White was there.

    “Okay, so, my Squirtle knows Ran Dance, Bubble, Tail Whip, and Tackle. And, like, when I used Rain Dance, he became a lot stronger; like, A TON stronger! And, I mean, I know what Rain Dance does, but he was practically glowing with power!”

    “The same thing happened here, and I know why. Although, my situation is nearly the exact opposite. Ya’ see, these Pokemon have their hidden abilities, Charmander’s is Solar Power, and Squirtle’s is Rain Dish. In the sun, Charmander gets boosted Special Attack, but lowered HP. And as for Squirtle: when it rains, his health is regenerated after each attack a very small bit. About one sixteenth of his total health.”

    “Wooo-hoooaaahhhhhh! Cooooooooll!” said White, sounding nearly like a child. “Yes, this is true. You two realized this quite early!” said Juniper. “The trainers in Demetry have realized this earlier than you, as the first thing they did was scan their new Pokemon on their Pokedex immediately. Though, Kanto has not yet discovered this. Supposedly, they have not yet- Oh, Oak informs me that they just noticed this.”

    “Tell us Juniper, why did you give us these strange Pokemon?” I asked. I was truly curious. “Well, the only way to discover whether or not you bond, fight, and train with these Pokemon is to make them different from the normal species. I gave you foreign Pokemon, with unusual traits, and strange behaviors. In case you didn’t notice, it is also abnormal for a Squirtle to know Rain Dance at such an early age. Look at Charmander’s moves, Black.” I did as she commanded me.

    My Pokedex slid open, revealing my Charmander’s summary. It showed pretty normal moves. I said them aloud. “Well, he knows Ember, Scratch, Growl, and Sunny Day. Hey wait, both of them know those two weather moves. Make it rain and make it shine. Right? And, those both like, activate they’re abilities?” I said. Juniper confirmed my statement. “Yepp! It was Professor Willow’s idea to give them the weather moves”

    Well, I don’t know all of Charmander’s secrets, but he doesn’t exactly know either. I’m ready for what the future holds. As I took steps to leave, Drayden entered.

    “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you two, Black and White. I want to battle you. Are you ready?”

    “Huhh!? I just barely began to train! In fact, I probably couldn’t knock out one of your Pokemon!” I exclaimed. White chimed in. “Uhh, if you’re ready sir, I’d like to battle you.” White continued in a whisper directed at me. “Unlike your feeble battle, I defeated a few Pokemon with my Squirtle!”

    Drayden said,” Of course I’ll battle you, White.” Drayden left, and White followed. On his way out, he stuck out his tongue and blinked hard.

    I started to leave. “Black.” Juniper said. I turned around. “Yea?” I replied.

    I got a good look at her face. Her usual attitude disappeared. “Professor, is something wrong?”

    “…” she said nothing.

    “Black, does Drayden have Blue eyes?” she said. I thought about it a moment. “Hmm. No, I think his eyes are yellow-ish. Wh-“ It clicked.

    “White!”
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:03 AM.


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    Chapter 4: The Gambling Risk Part 1

    We ran to the gym. “Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite! White?” we called out. A muffled sound came from the left side of the gym. We found white and the fake Drayden there.

    “Stop this! What do you want from us!?” Juniper said.

    “Hmmph. I am from team Plasma, and I am here to steal Pokemon and take over the world! The only way you’ll get through me is a battle!” He said. The Professor grasped a Poke Ball, but I stepped forward. “Challenge accepted.”

    We threw out our Poke Balls, and what came out of his was not good. White’s Pokemon.

    “What!? Don’t be a coward and use that Haunter! Stop!” I shouted. “Use your own Pokemon” Juniper said. “This is my Pokemon now… Let’s have a three on three battle, the winner takes all!” he said. Lose all of my Pokemon… If I lose?

    “… Bring it!” I said.

    My Pokemon was Darumaka. “Use Fire Punch!” He ran at Haunter and hit him dead on. Haunter was hurt badly. “Counter, with Lick!” He said. Haunter did nothing.

    “Whaaa!? Do it fool!” the grunt threw a small rock at Haunter. He flinched, and then used Lick. “Yea! Hahaha! You can’t defeat us!” he said. I rolled my eyes. What a nut. “You think you can defeat a trainer with another trainer’s Pokemon? I’ve battled these guys a million times. Give it a rest.” I said. He was being a bit too cocky.

    “What a nerve! Use Poison Jab!” he said. “Come on. Really? A level 22 Haunter couldn’t know-“ It had to be true, didn’t it? Haunter wound up its fist and pummeled Darumaka. A One-Hit-Knock-Out. “Aah!”

    “Give up, idiot. You don’t stand a chance. This thing on my wrist lets Pokemon use any move that they can ever learn!” he said.

    “How!? What?!” baffled, I withdrew Darumaka. “Juniper,” I whispered, “What do I do?”

    “Use your Charmander. This was supposed to be a secret that you’d learn much later on but… Charmander can learn 5 moves, not four. Tell him,’Fire Blast’.”

    I threw the Poke Ball, and out came Charmander. I said Fire Blast, and it did it. A small orb of orange flames was puffed out of its mouth, and then they created 5 multi-colored appendages. The ember became a huge wildfire, slowly moving at Haunter. “Aah! Dodge now!” he said.

    Haunter moved out of the way, but the series of flames was still moving at it. It hit, and Haunter dropped to the ground, KOed. “Aaaargghhh! Fine! Here goes my next Pokemon! This one is really mine, go, Wailmer!”

    He sent out a large ball. It was white, with small rows of bump sort of things. It moved a bit, and it had a blue top. Two tiny eyes were on the top. “Uhh, Okay then. Charmander, use Sunny Day!” His fire (on his tail) glowed, brighter and hotter. The sun intensified around the area we were battling. “Now finish with one move, use Fire Blast!” This time the orb was faster, and bigger. It immediately hit Wailma, or, whatever his name was. But, it really didn’t seem to do much. “Ha! Wailmer is a water type!” he said. Charmander kneeled, probably from the sun. “I knew that, you jerk.”

    What now…

    “Charmander, scratch.” He limped up to Wailma, and practically poked him. “What was that? A scratch? Seemed more like a tickle, if you ask me.” He said.

    Charmander looked angry. He stopped on the ground. “Eeeeeeeee!” He let out a high-pitched screech. Then, he used Fire Blast, right in front of Wailma- or, Wailmer. “Wail!” the Pokemon said. He turned on its side, clearly hurt badly. “Alright, no more games! Use Water Spout!” He said. It launched several blasts of water at Charmander. He took, maybe, three times of the damage of the Fire Blast. He stood standing. Just then, the sun gave way. “It’s letting up… Charmander won’t be hurt by it for now. Use Ember!” I said. He breathed a tiny spark on to Wailmer. It didn’t do anything. Literally, nothing. “Ha!” he said.

    I don’t know what to do… It’s over…

    Or, no it isn’t.

    “Charmander, use Growl.”

    “What? Growl? What will that do?”

    “This. Now use Fire Blast!” Charmander used Growl and Fire Blast at the same time, and Growl pushed Fire Blast along, faster and stronger. Wailmer was hit, and KOed. “How!?” the grunt yelled, “Fine, then check out this guy! Go, Gabite!”
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:03 AM.


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  6. #6
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    Hey, I followed the link in your signature, i also follow some other fics, so i'll review a fellow shiny hunter's for once. I dont have much time so i'll review chapter 1 and update with others later.
    Chapter 1 review:
    Overall a very good start. It doesn't reveal too much, so the reader will want to read on. You have made a few spg errors, but that's nothing that can't be fixed. Black sounds like an interesting character and I like the fact this is told in the first person. He sounds like a typical young boy. White is also a good rival-in-the-making, he sounds like he'll be a powerful trainer someday. I also really like the fact they know drayden, this could impact the storyline further down the line. Good, i like it
    My Shiny Pokemon:

    5th Gen:
    ;Emolga; ;Solosis;

    6th Gen:
    Greninja ;Volcarona; (X2) Aegislash ;Lampent; Diggersby

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  7. #7
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    Overall great story!!!
    My 3DS FC is 2964-8767-0282 PM me if you add me!

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  8. #8
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    we need a new chapter, and soon!!!!

    EDIT: there is one problem i do see. you need a new line every time a new character speaks. I find myself very confused when 3 characters talk in the same line xD
    Last edited by ysmr97; 17th December 2012 at 4:32 AM.
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    Chapter 5: The Gambling Risk Part 2

    “Return, Charmander!” I said. Okay, letting him battle Wailmer was a streatch, but I’m not throwing him in battle after another, and a dragon Pokemon was going to sweep this little guy.

    “I choose you, Swablu!” I said. This was the only chance I had. Swablu might learn a dragon move, and those are super-effective on other dragons.

    “One-hit finish! Gabite, use Dual Chop!”

    Gabite charged at Swablu, and hit her twice, knocking her to the ground.

    “We aren’t losing now! Swablu, use Air Cutter!”

    Blades of wind bounced off of Gabite. He seemed unaffected. “Gabite, Dragon Rush!” he said. He was cloaked in a blue aura, and then stomped his feet rapidly, and flung himself at Swablu, immediately sending it flying.

    “Swablu!” I said.

    “No! Come on Swablu, I know you can do this!” I said. “Use…”

    Swaaaabbluuuuuu!!!

    Swablu began to glow a blue white color, like a star. Particles and panels rapidly flew around her, as if looking for a place to settle. Then, the white silhouette of the Pokemon began to morph, and the things floating around it began to disappear. Then, the form became a burst of colors, and a new Pokemon stood in the place of the figure.

    “Yes! Swablu just evolved into Altaria!” Juniper said. “Wow!” I said, and then continued to scan it with my Pokedex. Altaria knew these moves now: Dragon Breath, Pluck, Natural Gift, and Sing. As far as I knew, Sing was something that Pokemon to sleep. Sounds like a plan!

    “Aright, start this off with Sing, Altaria!”

    An echoing tone came out of her mouth, like a lullaby, and Gabite went to sleep. “Now, finish this up, with Dragon Breath!”

    She closed her wings and landed. Then, she began to glow, red and purple, and opened her mouth. A plume of energy erupted from it, and KOed Gabite on contact.

    “Yes!!! Yeah! Now hand ‘em over, idiot!” I said.

    He moaned and grumbled, but threw four Pokeballs in my direction, containing White’s Pokemon; Haunter, Krokorok, Squirtle, and Woobat.

    Juniper untied White, as the grunt from Team Plasma ran away. “I believe these are yooouuu-rrrsss.” I said. “Black! That was awesome! And thank you! Wow, I can’t believe you have an Altaria now!” he said.

    “Not a problem White. But, I decided on something. I think I’m ready to battle Drayden.”

        Spoiler:- Teams:
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:03 AM.


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    This is honestly getting much, much better. I can see myself reading it on a regular basis! And not to sound repetitive, but you should start a new line every time a different character speaks, or another topic is brought up.
    Last edited by ysmr97; 18th December 2012 at 9:05 PM.
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    Chapter 6: Perplexing Payback

    The gym is dark, and colder than usual. Maybe it was just my nerves. Or, maybe Drayden was kidnapped! Or, maybe he’s secretly working with Team-

    “Ahh, Black! I see you’ve come without White. Do you want to challenge me? Drayden said.

    So, I guess nothing is up with him.

    “Huh? Oh, uhhh, yeah. Er, yes. Yes. I challenge you to a gym battle!”

    “Alright Black, follow me.” He said. We took the same path to the field White and I battle in, but we kept going upward, instead of into it. We reached a full-sized field at the top.

    “Okay, we will battle here.” Drayden stated. A referee with a red flag in one hand and a green one in the other approached, and stood in place like a statue, on a pedestal near the field.

    “There will be three Pokemon used for each trainer. The challenger may switch at any time, but the Leader will use an active Pokemon until fainting or battle completion. Begin!” The ref shouted.

    “I choose you, Bagon!” Drayden said, while throwing his Pokeball. “This one is new to the team! He may be small, but his attacks are fatal!”


    “Hmmm… Alright. Start things off, Darumaka!”

    Bagon was so small. He appeared fired up, but, he was so miniscule. “You may have the first move, Black.” Drayden told me. “If you say so. Darumaka, use Rollout!”

    Darumaka rolled up on command. He spun himself in place, like a car revving its wheels. Then, launched in the direction of Bagon.

    He had a direct hit, and Drayden did nothing. “Okay then, we’ll just attack again! Use Fire Punch!”

    Darumaka wound up his right arm, and hit Bagon with a fiery fist. He repeated over and over, and Bagon was taking lots of damage. “Yeah, just like that! Great job!” I said, in a motivational tone.

    His first command came. “Bagon, Use Focus Energy!”

    Bagon jumped backwards, and then swung his head in a circle. The ground beneath him shifted slightly, but not like Bulldoze, or Earhtquake, just a small bump, and it didn’t appear he was aiming hostilely.

    “Okay then… Darumaka, use Incinerate!” I said. It was another direct hit, and Bagon was almost on his knees, quivering, and barely standing. Drayden attacked. “That’s enough! Bagon, use Revenge!”

    Bagon looked up, and scanned the dusty field for Darumaka. When he saw him, his body got a redish tint to it, and then his Bagon blasted itself like a missile for Darumaka. It was a direct hit.

    “Darumaka! No!” I said. “I didn’t know that he could learn Revenge!”

    “He can’t, but with lots of training, anything is possible!” Drayden said. The referee put up his red flag.

    “Darumaka is unable to battle!”
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:03 AM.


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    This has gotten MUCH MUCH better! I am definatly going to follow more closely!
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    It's 4:30 AM and all I feel like doing is reviewing. Here we go.

    The Pokemon I saw was a huge crocodile, with black stripes on it back and huge teeth.
    Its.

    Okay, so for some reason a lot of first person fics are popping up. I've read through these chapters and I am not liking what I'm seeing. They're very short, rushed, and don't seem to be thought out. The characters don't have any depth, nor do they seem to be gaining any. Quick question; this fic is based on the games right? I saw the levels and what not so it seemed obvious, but that might not be what you're shooting at. Another question is where did they get the Pokedexes from? They came out of nowhere. On another note, why would Juniper give them a Pokemon if they already have Pokemon? The starter Pokemon are for trainers just starting to train, not experienced trainers. The battles are very short and bland. The description is very little if it's there. I'd think heavily on what you are trying to write before continuing. Flesh it out and add more depth because so far I can only see the characters as a bunch of robots. Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    I don't think your complaints are correct.... What I get while I read this is that they are newbie trainers, and are kind of sheltered suburban kids, who's parents kind of set them up with pokedexes and helped em catch pokemon, and that Juniper saw this and had them partake in the experiment. And it is Chapter's first fan fic. He will become more experienced over time
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    Anyway, ur complaints are totally great, i want to fix my writing, but some things u said were pretty inaccurate:

    a story should leave room for imagination. How did they get their pokedexs? Well, u tell me. Did they find it on the ground? was it once their parents'? was it prof. junipers gift? u decide! its what makes a stroy great.

    next, they arent robots, but i can definitly add depth. what do u want to see? a dark side to black? white has a secret passion for researching pokemon? and what do u mean by depth? i think that they seem like real ppl, so what? the story only has 6 chapters now. Im sorry u dont know everything about them, but, once again... a story should leave room for imagination.

    thanks for the review!
    Last edited by Chapter; 20th December 2012 at 3:32 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Chapter of Charizard View Post
    Anyway, ur complaints are totally great, i want to fix my writing, but some things u said were pretty inaccurate:
    Well, like I said, your overall writing is generally decent. There aren't many grammatical errors or typos.

    a story should leave room for imagination. How did they get their pokedexs? Well, u tell me. Did they find it on the ground? was it once their parents'? was it prof. junipers gift? u decide! its what makes a stroy great.
    While there should be room for imagination, there shouldn't be enough for me to make the entire story up by myself. From here on I'm going to imagine that they got their dexes from a large flying Magikarp that only speaks Russian and has a very majestic mustache.

    next, they arent robots, but i can definitly add depth. what do u want to see? a dark side to black? white has a secret passion for researching pokemon? and what do u mean by depth? i think that they seem like real ppl, so what? the story only has 6 chapters now. Im sorry u dont know everything about them, but, once again... a story should leave room for imagination.
    Depth meaning more sides. Show us how they think. What makes them tick? Those types of things you know?
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    While there should be room for imagination, there shouldn't be enough for me to make the entire story up by myself. From here on I'm going to imagine that they got their dexes from a large flying Magikarp that only speaks Russian and has a very majestic mustache.
    OMG lol!

    Depth meaning more sides. Show us how they think. What makes them tick? Those types of things you know?
    Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Ull see a ton more depth before the 10th chapter is made.


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    Chapter 7: A Melody with Malice

    “No…” I muttered, along with some curses.

    “Choose your next Pokemon, Black.”

    “I’ll show you a pokemon. I choose you, Charmander!”

    “A Charmander, eh? Alright, enough games Bagon, use Headbutt!”

    “Charmander, dodge that, and use Sunny Day!” I said. Things were heating up… literally!

    “One move finish, use Ember!” I yelled. Charmander blew a spark at Bagon, and to much surprise, he was KOed.

    “Bagon is unable to battle!” the ref said. One down, two to go…

    “You’ve been very smart in this battle Black, but let’s see if you’re wits can withstand this challenge! I choose you, Dratini!”

    A beautiful eel-like Pokemon was now on the field. I took out my Pokedex. The glossy machine told me about Dratini. It’s strange, really. This Pokedex knows about every Pokemon, just like the person who gave it to me; my dad. He knew everything there was to know. He even corrected some errors on the Pokedex with Professor Oak out in Kanto.

    Anyway, the Dex told me that Dratini was just a Dragon type. It could use a large variety of moves, like Thunder Wave and Agility.

    “Unlike Bagon, you’ll have to use brute force on Dratini. It is very strong, and doesn’t rely on gimmicky moves, like Revenge.” He said. Charmander was just the guy.

    “Use Ember!” I said. “Tsk tsk tsk… Dratini, Rain Dance!” Drayden yelled. “No!” I replied. Rain Dance would be terrible on a Fire type, but also, Fire Blast and Ember would do close to nothing!

    “Let’s see if you can handle this… Dratini, use Aqua Tail!” He said. Aqua Tail slammed Charmander on to the ground, and pummeled him into it. He was sure to go unconscious soon…

    I threw my Poke Ball before it was over. “That’s enough! Charmander, return!” I bellowed. My voice echoed through the building. I claimed Charmander into his Poke Ball, and threw Altaria.

    “Fun’s over, Drayden. Witness my true power! Go, Altaria!”

    “A Dragon type vs. my Dragon type. That wasn’t very-“

    I’m usually polite and collected, but I wasn’t here for a tea party. I was here to battle, and more importantly, I was here to win. “Altaria, Dragon Breath!”

    The beam struck Dratini, and seemed to do major damage. “Strong, but not strong enough. Are you familiar with the ability multi-scale?” he said. My face said it all. “I assume you are. Battle on, then. Dratini, Twister!” he said.

    The Pokemon whipped its previously water coated tail into a funnel, that soon became a twister hurling towards Altaria.

    “You can be intimidating, but I know how weak that attack really is! Altaria, ignore it! Use Dreagon Breath on Dratini!” I said. I had to shout over the strong winds.

    Altaria followed my command, and the blue-ish red beam hit Dratini like a Hyper Beam. KOed on contact, and Dratini was down for the count. The Twister dissipated when Dratini fell. “Dratini is unable to battle! The challenger has two Pokemon, and the Leader has 1! The challenger is in the lead!” shouted the referee. “Yeaah! Altaria, you’re the best! Great job!!!” I tried to motivate Altaria, but she seemed somewhat feeble. I kept her in the battle.

    “That was quite impressive, but the battle has only just begun. As strong as your Altaria may be, it cannot stand up to my Fraxure!” Drayden told me.

    I tried not to laugh at my terrible joke. “Umm, Altaria isn’t even standing!” I said. I chuckled at my bad attempt to say a joke. The ref looked at me like I was insane. I always tried to be funny and humorous, but I was only funny about 50% of the time.

    Drayden threw his Poke Ball. A Pokemon about one meter tall stood before me. He had large tusks, and green scales surrounded his head. He seemed strong.

    “Altaria, don’t be scared! Use Sing!” I said. A good strategy to start.

    “Cover your ears, Fraxure!” Drayden said. He did the same. Altaria’s lullaby was muffled by Fraxure’s claws on his ears. He didn’t go asleep, but the referee seemed to get drowsy.

    “Uhh… While he’s occupied, stop singing and use Pluck!” Altaria immediately stopped and dove for Fraxure.

    “Not quite, Black! Use Dual Chop!” Drayden said. Fraxure removed his claws from his ears, and swiped Altaria twice when it approached. Instead of landing her move, she flew past him, and slid on the ground until her limp body stopped sliding.

    “Come on Altaria, I know you can do this!” I said. Charmander was no match for this Pokemon, as it was still raining. “I know you can hear me! Please Altaria, its almost over! Use Sing!” I said.

    Altaria’s neck moved a bit, and she lifted her head. She sang. When she began singing, Drayden, nor Fraxure moved. “Good match Black. You won fair and square.” Drayden was saying. “Huh? What? We didn’t win. Fraxure didn’t even fall asleep.” I was explaining. Drayden shook his head. “Amazingly, your Altaria learned a new move, at a level far below average.” He said. I was confused.

    “Black, that wasn’t sing that Altraia used. It was Perish Song.”
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:03 AM.


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    Chapter 8: Baffled by the Badge

    “Uhh, Drayden, I have to be honest. I’m still really confused. What does perish Song do?” I asked.

    Behind Drayden, Altaria and Fraxure collapsed. “Does that explain things?” Drayden said. “Uhh, no. Not at all.”

    White came charging in. “Dray-deeeeen! I’m ready for a battle!” he was saying.

    “Alright White, but I need to go to a Pokemon Center first. I was just beaten by Black!” he said. “And anyway, Black, Perish Song is a move that KOs both Pokemon after 3 moves.”

    “So, why didn’t you just finish Altaria before the three turns ended?” I asked. “Well, I could have, but then you still had Charmander. I would have beaten him, but not in two turns.” He said.

    “Well Black, that was a great battle. I reward you, with this!”

    Drayden thrusted a sparkling badge with a black and white insignia on it. “Wooow! It’s so cool!” I turned around. “Good luck White! You’ll need it.”

    We all laughed. “Oh yeah, Black. Juniper said that she needed to see you, and that she would be waiting in a town to the West if here, called Icirrus City.”

    “Oh, well, Okay. Drayden, do you know where I can find the next gym leader?” I said. “Well, there is a gym in Icirrus. His name is Brycen, and he doesn’t battle very often. Now he’s an actor, and is still gym battling in order to give away the last of his badge stock. I bet you could get a battle out of him!” he said, cheerfully. “Great. I’ll go there next!” I said.

    “What! Oh no you aren’t! Not without me!” White said. “Huh?”

    “Yeah, that’s right, in case you forgot, we’re on a journey, together.” he said. “What? We are?” I replied. I was absolutely unaware.

    “YES! Yes we’re journeying together! It’s the whole reason we began together!”

    “Hm. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Aright, I’ll wait for you at the Pokemon Center.”



    “Hi Nurse Joy. Could you heal my Pokemon?” I asked. “Of course. This won’t take long at all.”

    I sat down at a bench near the window and the door. I watched a person play with her Patrat, and a man sleeping next to his Pidgey. A man with bright green hair sat down next to me.

    “Hello! Could I do an evaluation of your partnership of your Pokemon!?” he said.

    “Wha? Uhhh… Yes?” I said. I kinda missed what he was saying. “G-reat! Could I see them?” he said. “Well, my pokemon are actually being healed right now.” I said.

    Nurse Joy appeared at a red bar that was in the middle of the room. “Black? Black, you’re Pokemon are ready.” she said. I walked over. “Thanks.”

    I headed over to my seat with that man. “So, what were you saying?” I said. “Just release your Pokemon, and I will evaluate your friendship with them! You can trust me, I used to be a gym leader.” he said. “Oh, okay then. Hey wait, what did you say right there?”

    “That I used to be a gym leader? Yes, I, with my two brothers, was a grass type gym leader, out in Striaton City!” he explained.

    “Ah, you must be Cilan!” I said. “My dad battled you when he went on his journey! You were his first battle! He only had a Tepig and a Roggenrola when he fought you. Remember?” I said.

    “Hmm. Yes, yes I think I do. Is your father’s name William?” he said. “Yeah, it is!” I said.

    “Wow, that’s so strange! Anyway, do you want an evaluation?” he said. “Absolutely!”

    I opened up Darumaka first. “Hmm… the relationship you have with this Pokemon is strong… but I sense that he doesn’t fully trust you.” Cilan told me. “Oh, really? Okay.” I returned Darumaka.

    Then, I showed him Altaria. “Oh, wow. An Altaria! Now let’s see… She is very powerful, and I feel that she loves you a lot.” Cilan said. “Oh, cool!”

    This time I threw out Charmander. He growled a bit to look strong. He seemed happy to be healed and out of the sun, though. “Okay, a Charmander! This is a very rare Pokemon in Unova. Okay, so… Hm. Charmander is, not very fond of you at all. Have you lost a lot of battles with him?” he said. “Uhh, well, no, and yes. I won two, and didn’t let him faint in one. He always finished the battle with just enough stamina to stand, or even keep from fainting.”

    “Black… I think he doesn’t just not love you… I think that he hates you.”

        Spoiler:- Chapter of Charizard:
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th December 2013 at 3:02 AM.


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    Good chapter! just a FEW things that are wrong. First of all, yoiur still doing the 'two characters talking in on one line' thing.

    This is an example of a particularly confusing line:

    “Hi Nurse Joy. Could you heal my Pokemon?” I asked. “Of course. This won’t take long at all.”

    This should be:

    “Hi Nurse Joy. Could you heal my Pokemon?” I asked.

    “Of course. This won’t take long at all.”

    And, also, isn't it a BIT illogical that Cilan and Blacks Dad fought for Williams first gym battle? Normally, a father of a 10 year old boy would be in his 30's or 40's, and Cilan seems like 18-25 years old. So thereforth, William would of had to start his journey in his late 20's to battle Cilan even as an early adolecent.

    Just a bit of criticism.... Sorry!
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    It's great! I don't see a problem with
    Quote Originally Posted by ysmr97
    "Hi Nurse Joy. Could you heal my Pokemon?” I asked. “Of course. This won’t take long at all.”
    Because if the sentence ends in between then you know that the speaker is changing. If it ends with a comma, then the speaker is constant. I'll watch out for changes with commas though. : D

    Also, Cilan appears about 17-22 in the Anime, but I've thought of him as a 50 year-old or so; just a guy. Not very young at all. William is about 40, and Black is about 12, so William adventured at about 10, when Cilan was 20. XD In other words, you could basically say that William adventured when Cilan was as young as the anime.
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th January 2013 at 3:45 PM.


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    Yes but !s and ?s replace commas in sentences that use them. Like this, for example:

    "Hey!" I asked. "How are you?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by ysmr97
    Yes but !s and ?s replace commas in sentences that use them. Like this, for example:
    "Hey!" I asked. "How are you?"
    But then the link in between won't be a period, it will be a comma. I understand what you mean, and though it is technically correct, I see how it's visually confusing. I'll do it less often. Thanks! Also, the next chapter is near done!
    Last edited by Chapter; 6th January 2013 at 3:43 PM.


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    Good! Can't wait!
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    Chapter 9: Charming The Charmander

    “I doubt that.” I said. I recalled our previous battles. Charmander was tired after one attack on Luxray, and then he didn’t have so much fun with that weird Drayden impersonator. Drayden himself put a lot of damage on Charmander. Whenever we battled… Well, he didn’t lose, it’s just that he barely won. Or was switched.

    “Well, I mean, I guess, but we’ve only had a few battles. He couldn’t hate me that much.” I said.

    “He could. This Charmander isn’t friendly, and it’s not that you haven’t been trying, it’s just the fact that Charmander is sensitive.” Cilan replied. His bright green hair had strands of dark-grey on them. He must be pretty old if he were my dad’s first battle.

    “I suppose. So what now? I just have a Charmander that doesn’t like me? That’s good news.” I said.

    “No, no. Of course not. I recommend taking it light with him. Battle some weak Pokemon, and make him feel good by winning easy battles.

    “Doesn’t sound like much fun…” I mumbled. “Pokemon are not a thing. They’re alive. They have feelings. They relate with you, and grow with you. They aren’t always fun, but neither are you. Am I right?” he said.

    Well, he wasn’t wrong. “Good point. I’ll go train with him.” I said.

    I walked outside, and found a group of battlers, fighting another trainer. It looked like each side had three Pokemon in the battle.

    “Pidgeotto, use Wing attack!” said a girl about the age of 11. She had short red hair, and deep blue eyes. She was on a team of her own. “And Vileplume, use Mega Drain!” she continued. “And you, Snover, use Ice Shard!”

    Her three Pokemon attacked quickly. It seemed they dealt a bit of damage, but the group of trainers’ Pokemon, were unfazed.

    “You’re strong!” said one boy in the group, with brown hair that reached just above his ears, and grayish eyes. “And you’re Pokemon are in sync!” Said the next, whose hair was dark brown, and blue eyes. “And you are smart with attacks!” said the last boy, who had hair that was blackish-brown and blueish-green eyes. The first and the last appeared to be brothers. Then they shouted this simultaneously, “But we will win this battle!”

    The first boy told his Slowpoke to use Water Pulse. This attack KOed her Pidgeotto. The second boy told his Growlithe to Flame Burst. It KOed the girl’s Snover. The last boy had a strange Pokemon I’d never seen before… It had a green hood with points coming off of it. It had brown skin and a large orange-green tail. He called it Chespin, and it used the attack Energy Ball. That KOed her Vileplume.

    “Aahhh!” she said in exclamation.

    “We win! Great job Liam and Liam!” one boy said. Apparently the first and second boys’ names were both Liam. “You too, Conor!” said the second boy.

    I walked over. “Hey, do you guys want to battle? I’d love to see your Pokemon, and this one. Chespin, is his name?”

    Conor responded. “Yep! That’s a foreign Pokemon, Chespin. And this is my brother, Liam. You can call him L.J. though. And this is our best friend, Liam.” They both waved.

    “So, you said you wanted to battle?” said L.J.

    “Yeah, sounds great!”



    We positioned ourselves about a hundred yards away, giving room for the battle.

    “I choose you, Altaria! Darumaka! Charmander!” I said. They used the same Pokemon. I was ready though. I thought this would be a challenge, but I still had an objective. Not only to win, but to make Chamrnader feel good.

    “Charmander, ride on top of Altaria! And Darumaka, use Fire Punch on Chespin to guard Altaria while she waits!” I said. Darumaka did its attack, while Charmander hopped onto Altaria, and Altaria ascended.

    But, something was wrong. “Chespin!” said Conor, “use Sucker Punch on Darumaka!”

    “Darumaka, don’t attack!” I told him. I’m not that stupid. Darumaka just stood there. Chespin passed by him without any effect. “Charmander, go for a Fire Blast on him!” I said. Charmander puffed up his cheeks, but on exhale, smoke came out. “Hmm…” I said. He must only be able to do that attack in Professor Juniper’s presence. Look like that move is a bust. By this time, Chespin was ready to defend again.

    “Growlithe, Fire Fang on Darumaka!” Liam said. “Slowpoke, use Water Pulse on Altaria and Charmander!” L.J. commanded. Fire Fang hit, but Water Pulse missed. They couldn’t touch Altaria’s speed.

    “Altaria, use Dragon Breath on Slowpoke! Charmander, Ember on Chespin!”

    They attacked several times, in short bursts. Similar to that of a cannon. Ember hit, but didn’t do much. Thankfully, it left a burn. Slowpoke was taking a lot of damage, on the other hand.

    I took the opening. “Darumaka, use Rollout on Slowpoke! And Charmander, direct your attention to Darumaka, and use Smokescreen!”

    Charmander covered the field with smoke. “Darumaka, jump up and grab Charmander’s hand! Altaria, use Dragon Breath on each of them!”

    Darumaka jumped away from the separated Pokemon in the field of smoke. They couldn’t see, and neither could their trainers. Meanwhile, Altaria was sniping them from above, scoring a direct hit on each. Slowpoke seemed very weak now.

    “Slowpoke, use Scald!” said L.J., clearly denying how weak it was. Slowpoke disobeyed, and sat down.

    “Charmander, finish with Scratch!” he looked nervously off of the side of Altaria. He pulled up Darumaka, and used the opposite force to zoom down at Slowpoke. He spun once, and slashed in a circle. It reminded me of my favorite video game, The Legend of Zelda. Link, the main character, can use a spin attack that’s really strong. Slowpoke, was hurt badly, and rolled on to his side. “Charmander, again!” I said. He scratched Slowpoke once again to score a KO.

    “Dang! Well, it’s up to you two. I’m down for the count.” Said L.J.

    “Not a problem!” said Conor. “We’ve got this covered!” said Liam.

    “Use Flame Burst on Charmander, now Growlithe!” Said Liam. Charmander was buffeted with a series of embers.

    “Altaria, use Dragon Breath right next to Charmander!” I said. She followed as I said, and a crater was created right next to Charmander. The edges of it shot Charmander into the air. “Charmander, use scratch on Chespin!” I said.

    He did the same spin as last time, and the same circle attack. “Chespin, use Sucker Punch!” Conor said. Not good.

    “Aah! No! Charmander, stop!” I said. He kept at it. Chespin wound up his fist, and sky-rocketed at Charmander. They slid right past each other, and they hit the ground at the same time. The smokescreen was clearing up, and Charmander was fine. He looked better than before, actually. Chespin, on the other hand, landed in Altaria’s rocky crater. I guessed I was going to win this thing.

        Spoiler:- Hey viewers.:
    Last edited by Chapter; 18th January 2013 at 1:19 AM.


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