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Thread: Is There Any Hope? (PG - PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Is There Any Hope? (PG - PG-13)

    Authors Notes: This is a fic I wrote today. I had the inspiration from a friends experience. Most of this is from my experience except one part.

    Please review. If there are random *'s throughout the story, please oh please tell me. I can't seem to figure out why that happens. But yeah. I hope you enjoy! Please review!

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    Nothing I can do can ever be good. I always try and try but it is never good enough. I'm always put down, ridiculed, made fun of, hurt, beat, anything you think of has happened to me..besides being killed.

    Not that I'd unwelcome that right now. Hell, my life was bad enough as it is, I'd welcome it. I had no friends. Nobody likes me. My parents hate me. They never got me my own Pokemon. I truly had a bad life.

    Incase you're wondering, I'm Kyle and I'm 13. I live in Fortree City. I'd lived their my whole life. Despite all the horrible things that have happened to me and been done to me, I continue to think that maybe, just maybe, I'll get an escape. An escape to a better life. But that was just a fantasy of mine..heck it was a big one.

    Today is my birthday. As I said, I'm 13 now. But nobody cares. I didn't get one 'Happy Birthday Kyle!' from my parents. I'd expected it that nobody from school would say it since I had no friends.. But I would have liked a happy birthday from my parents.

    But I never got one. And that was the final straw. 'I'm done with trying,' I thought to myself, 'all I do is show gratitude to them, try my best even with all the stuff they put me through. Why should I continue to live? I might as well feed myself to the Mightyena..' which sparked an idea in my mind.

    I'm going to kill myself. I have no reason to live. Nobody appreciates me. So why should I continue to be a burden to them? I'll just get out of their hair.

    I prepared a note for my parents (like they'd ever read it though) which read:

    Dear mom and dad,

    By now it's too late. You don't like me and don't want me. Nobody at school likes me. All I ever get is crap from everybody and for what reason? What have I done to deserve it?

    Did I do something to you? Did I get upset you? Did I do something to break apart you family before I was born? Why me? Why..

    This is good bye for ever. Don't bother coming to looking for me. By the time you read this (if you actually do) it'll be too late.

    I'm tired of living this life. I'm just going to end it. If for some miraculous reason you decide to come and find me, Which I doubt you will, I'll be on Route 120. Whether I'm dead or alive depends on how Pokemon react to me being in their territory.

    So good bye. I hope you feel great about yourselves. You'll have to live with the fact that you were the reason for your only sons death.

    Xoxo,

    Kyle


    And with that, I attached the note to a magnet and put it on the fridge. I walked to the front door and took one last look at the life I was leaving. "Boy how I won't miss this.." I said out loud.

    And I was off. I kept a steady pace as I climbed and descended the many ladders that gave the residents here a way into their homes. Once done with that last ladder, I walked past the sign that said 'You are now leaving Fortree City! We hope you enjoyed your stay at out our luscious town and hope to see you soon!'

    Turning around one more time, I took a final look at the city. I was finally going to be free. I was no longer going to have to deal with the constant pain of being hurt. This is my way out.

    Certain I was going through with my 'plan' I guess you could say it was, I went straight into the heavily grassed area where wild Pokemon were prominent. I looked around and noticed a small tree and walked over to it and say down.

    As I sat there, I thought of all the memories I had in my life. All be it, none were good, but it was still nice to just think of my life and what I could have done better. Maybe this will send a message to everyone in town. This is what bullying does to someone.

    I felt my eyes get wet. I wasn't crying because I was going to end my life. No, it was way different than that. I was crying because this is my great escape. My only way into everlasting happiness known as heaven.

    Tears were coming down in torrents. I felt my shoulder length hair get lightly damp as I got wet from my tears. Occasionally, I let out a small whimper (I guess you could say) which I'm sure would have attracted something to come end my suffering.

    Which honestly is surprising. I looked at my watch and it said 2:30. It had been over an hour since I left and nothing had come by. Pokemon were by all means no rare thing here, Fortree actually has a Pokemon population problem. So why is it when I want to encounter one I can't?

    I continued crying until the sun began to set. At around 6:30 when it was a bit darker, my savior appeared. "You know you're not supposed to be here boy. This is my territory," it began. I looked up and saw what it was.

    An Absol. She (which was easy to tell by her feminine voice) looked absolutely amazing. Her white fur reflected beautifully in the suns setting rays while her darker face and tail had that little glint of darkness in them. They truly looked perfect together; sort of like a ying-yang thing.

    "I know." I simply stated.

    She gave me a quizzical look before saying, "Then why have you come here knowing if your fate? Anyone who steps foot on this territory dies; human or Pokemon. Nobody gets special treatment from me." she said matter-of-factly.

    I contemplated on telling her my whole story. But what was he point? Why be a burden to her too? "Because my life has been nothing but pain and misery. I'm tired of the pain and I want to end it. So please.. Just end my life right here. Please kill me!" I begged.

    I noticed this threw her back a little at my begging for death. She had this look of 'Is this human crazy?!' on her face. "So.. You want to die? Tell me boy, how old are you?" she asked as she say down.

    God dang it, I just want to die. Why is this happening? I want the pain to end, I want to feel her rip me to pieces and slash my neck open. I would only feel that pain temporarily and in the end it would be so much better; not only for myself but everyone else I knew.

    "I'm 13, why do you care?" I asked bluntly.

    "You're 13 and want death?" She asked. I nodded and she asked herself, "How could anyone be so upset as to want to die and also be at such a young age? Come here boy, sit next to me. We're going to talk for a while. If after we talk you still want death, I will grant you it. But not until you hear me out. Got it?" she said.

    I got up and sat next to her. She began asking questions rather quickly, "What's your name? How long have you been like this? What has driven you like this?" she asked in a flurry of questions. I shushed her, while not trying to be rude, to answer her questions.

    "My name is Kyle. I'm 13 as I told you. I live in Fortree, the city right over there," I pointed to it. She nodded and looked back at me, giving me the signal to continue. I inhaled and continued, "I have been like this my whole life. Miserable I mean.

    I guess I truly noticed how miserable I was when I turned.. Eight I want to say. That was the age when I really thought about my life. None of it was good. Around two years ago it gradually got worse. Then about six months ago is when I wanted death more and more. And that's why I'm here." I explained.

    She nodded and thought to herself for a minute. I could feel my eyes starting to swell with tears but I didn't want to lose them now, at least not with her. She was the only one who has, and probably ever will, show compassion to me. I had to act a little strong in front of her.

    After a moment she asked, "Tell me. What was so bad about your life back in Fortree? What happened to you there?"

    I sighed, knowing this would come up. I looked her in the eyes and said, "You may as well take a seat, this may take a while." she nodded and sat down rather close to me.

    "Where do I begin.. I guess the earliest memory would be of me when I was about five years old. I remember sitting on our couch and watching T.V., not having a problem in the world. What five year old should?

    Well when I stood up, I accidentally knocked over a glass and it broke. My dad came in and was yelling at me, saying I'm a klutz, I should have been watching what I was doing. He called me a stupid kid and a retard, saying this isn't how his kid should act."

    I felt the tears running down my cheeks. There was no more hiding it. "After he finished scolding me for an accident, he struck me across my face for trying to say I was sorry." I said. "His ring left a scar of my face from how hard he struck me. Here, take a look." I said. She nodded as I showed her.

    "How.. How could anyone hit such a young child? And hit them hard enough to leave a scar? If I ever saw that I would lose it.." she rambled as I saw her eyes look a little wet.

    I could tell she was sad, not because of what she was saying, but because of what I went through. And by this point I was full out crying. I didn't care anymore. I had pent up sadness that needed to be released.

    As my crying slowly stopped, I noticed she was rubbing her head against my chest in an effort to show how sorry she was for my life. She kept repeating things like 'I'm so sorry Kyle!' and 'How could anyone hurt someone like you?'

    Wait.. Was she showing me kindness? "What'd you say?" I asked her. She looked at me with a confused look. "What do you mean 'Someone like you?'"

    "You're a sweet boy. You seem smart and nothing appears to be wrong with you physically. I just don't understand how people could do that to you.." She trailed off. I looked her in the eyes and said,

    "You really don't know how much that means to me. You really don't." I said as I brought her into a hug. She really was showing me kindness. Her, of all people, was showing me kindness. I was not good enough to know her.

    "Don't say anything. Please. Just that one story broke me. I don't want to know anything else. Please Kyle." she cried. I nodded and continued to hug her.

    After several minutes, I let go of her. She whimpered a little since I could visibly tell she was enjoying our embrace, as was I. "Absol," I began. She looked at me with water filled eyes. "do you have a name?"

    "Yes. It's ShadowStar. But I prefer to be called Star." she told me. I nodded and told her one last thing.

    "Abso--, Star I mean, I want to live.. Nobody has shown me any kindness before besides you. But I only want to live if you're beside me. I don't know about you but you're my only friend. Will you please come live with me?" I asked.

    She pounced onto me as she exclaimed, "Ofcourse I will! I wouldn't ever leave you!" I couldn't help but shed tears of joy. I even saw her shedding tears of happiness too.

    "Thank you Star.. If you're with me.. I'll take any pain.."

    FIN.. OR IS IT?

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    Should I continue the fic to see what life was like for Kyle after Absol agreed to go with him? And the moral of the story (if you didn't catch it) is to never bully anybody. If you bully, think about yourself. Better yet, think abouT the one you're bullying. Just please.. Stop the bullying.. Who knows.. It may save a life.. Even if you're not bullying and see someone getting bullied, help them..
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  2. #2
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    Saw this at the top and decided to give it the good ol' R&R. Here we go.

    Incase you're wondering, I'm Kyle and I'm 13. I live in Fortree City. I'd lived their my whole life.
    There are two things wrong with this part. The first is the very beginning. The space is missing. It happens when you're typing really fast and don't really look back. Super easy to miss. The second is the homonym mistake in the third sentence. It's supposed to be there. A common mistake if you're not thinking about it.

    I'd expected it that nobody from school would say it since I had no friends..
    Take out the first it.

    'I'm done with trying,' I thought to myself, 'all I do is show gratitude to them
    Since this is a complete sentence, the punctuation after this should be a period and this should be capitalized.

    Dear mom and dad
    Since they are being used as proper nouns, Mom and Dad should be capitalized.

    Did I get upset you?
    I don't know if you meant "Did I upset you?" or "Did I get upset with you?" Either way you'll need to change it.

    This is good bye for ever.
    Goodbye. Forever. Both one word.

    If for some miraculous reason you decide to come and find me, Which I doubt you will, I'll be on Route 120.
    Which should not be capitalized.

    You'll have to live with the fact that you were the reason for your only sons death.
    Son's. It's a possessive form since it is his death.

    Xoxo,
    There's nothing wrong with this, but I find it strange that he put xoxo at the end of his letter since he hates his parents and thinks the feeling is mutual. It just struck me as odd.

    I looked around and noticed a small tree and walked over to it and say down.
    Common case of I-hit-the-button-next-to-the-one-I-meant-to-hit. Easy fix.

    Which honestly is surprising. I looked at my watch and it said 2:30.
    This is a sentence fragment right now. You'll have to change it around or take it out completely.

    Her white fur reflected beautifully in the suns setting rays
    Possessive so it needs an apostrophe.

    "I know." I simply stated.
    Needs to be a comma.

    She gave me a quizzical look before saying, "Then why have you come here knowing if your fate? Anyone who steps foot on this territory dies; human or Pokemon. Nobody gets special treatment from me." she said matter-of-factly.
    You'll have to get rid of one of these. If you get rid of the end then it needs to be a period. Knowing of your fate maybe.

    I contemplated on telling her my whole story. But what was he point?
    The point.

    she asked as she say down.
    There it is again.

    The mistakes were mostly all the same. They repeated quite a lot and could be caught with a quick read through. It was an interesting idea and it feels like the beginning to a fan fiction as opposed to a one-shot. It moved very quickly and I found myself at the end before I knew it. The spacing seemed weird to me. It was, what, every two sentences a new paragraph started. You can have longer paragraphs. Just remember when someone new is talking that it's a different paragraph. It seemed rushed and I would have liked some more explanation as to why Kyle feels the way he does. I can't feel sorry if all he has to go on is that his dad got angry once. He also changed his mind pretty quick about the whole dying thing. I know people that have been in a similar situation and have actually attempted to take their own lives. They say it's not an easy place to come back from. Anyway, it was decent. A change of pace from the usual battle oriented fic. One more thing, I found it strange that Absol could talk. Is she like Meowth where she gave up learning any new attacks to be able to talk human speech? Or is it just for the sake of your plot that she can talk? So many questions. Now it's time to answer them.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  3. #3
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    Thank you very much for the review! It means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep the fic going. And I'm being serious about that. And for being my first reviewer (provided that's a word), you get a cookie!! Now into your actua review.

    I was almost certain I go all the "there/their" mistakes fixed. I'm typing this (the fic) on my iPod so it autocorrects everything. Even if I fix it it will put it back to what it was. So I'm terribly sorry about that, I'll make sure look for them better

    As for how Star can talk, I'll explain that in the upcoming chapters, as well as explaining any loose ends. Don't you worry about that.

    As for all the other stuff, I'll make sure to do better on in the next chapter Thanks again for the review. It means a lot :3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    Thank you very much for the review! It means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep the fic going. And I'm being serious about that. And for being my first reviewer (provided that's a word), you get a cookie!! Now into your actua review.

    I was almost certain I go all the "there/their" mistakes fixed. I'm typing this (the fic) on my iPod so it autocorrects everything. Even if I fix it it will put it back to what it was. So I'm terribly sorry about that, I'll make sure look for them better

    As for how Star can talk, I'll explain that in the upcoming chapters, as well as explaining any loose ends. Don't you worry about that.

    As for all the other stuff, I'll make sure to do better on in the next chapter Thanks again for the review. It means a lot :3
    Yes! Cookie! Score! I understand how it is on an iPod. And for being on an iPod this is quite good. Little mistakes only. Keep it up. Pm me when the next chapter has been posted.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    First of all, you shouldn't be writing on an iPod, period. The Fan Fiction Rules say to write on Microsoft Word for a reason; not only does it allow you to save your work, but it also has an autocorrect, and it allows you to more easily access and proofread your work before posting it. Proofreading is an essentially part of the writing process, and it allows you to catch mistakes you wouldn't see otherwise, making your work look more professional and making it easier on reviewers.

    As for the story, it has the potential to be an interesting coming-of-age story of a young boy growing up and getting to know the world with the help of a Pokemon many wrongly judge. But I have to say it came across as a weak wish-fulfillment fantasy that doesn't make for a great story.

    You present a character who does nothing but whine about how awful his life was, even though it sounds like he grew up in a privileged middle-class family in a first-world country. He didn't have to deal with poverty or starvation or abuse or death - he was never truly deprived like many other children are in less fortunate countries. At the start, all he complains about is neglect, and while that sucks, it's something a lot of teenagers emo about and exaggerate, so it just feels silly reading about. To top it off, depression and suicide are serious issues. Frankly, it's a topic you shouldn't try to tackle unless you know anything about it, by which I mean do your research. Around 276,000 people between the ages 15-25 yrs try to kill themselves every year, and 5000 succeed. Suicide is a serious issue and it affects people seriously, and you shouldn't include it in a fic just to make your character seem edgy.

    Unfortunately, the second half of the story is a very overdone scene, which means it just reads as being cheesy. It's hard to take it seriously for that reason, especially because it's quite obvious that Kyle isn't seriously going to kill himself, so it's predictable. That's another reason I would say you should completely do away with the suicide thing - it doesn't really add anything to your story, and it just makes Kyle sound like he's being a drama queen. Not to mention that he's never shown to even try and fix his problems first, and he's kind of a jerk because he writes a suicide note to his parents, then wanders off without ever telling them that he's okay. Honestly, he's just not a very good character, and not someone that your readers will want to cheer for.

    But the good news is that this is easy to fix! There are plenty of other reasons Kyle could run into the forest - he could have family problems that he wants to escape for a bit. Maybe he just wants some time to himself. Maybe he's frustrated with school and goes for a walk to clear his head. Maybe he's an artist and he's looking for inspiration. Any of those could result in him wanting to leave home and go on his own journey. It's a good set-up for a coming-of-age story which is nicely different than the standard "go to professor's lab, get starter, become a trainer" type of fic you see so often. While the rest of your fic has elements that are quite overdone by other teenage fic writers, you can use this aspect of it to make a more original story, and you should realize and take advantage of that.


    I know this review may come off as negative, but the point remains that you do have a good idea at the core of your story, which you should use in a more creative and less cheesy way. Your writing is decent in itself, though you do need to proofread more, and decide on a specific way for characters to speak (Shadowstar goes from very serious and wise to very casual, which doesn't really work). I have faith that you can make a more original story out of this, using a character readers will enjoy reading about.

    Good luck!

    ~Psychic

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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    First of all, you shouldn't be writing on an iPod, period. The Fan Fiction Rules say to write on Microsoft Word for a reason; not only does it allow you to save your work, but it also has an autocorrect, and it allows you to more easily access and proofread your work before posting it. Proofreading is an essentially part of the writing process, and it allows you to catch mistakes you wouldn't see otherwise, making your work look more professional and making it easier on reviewers.
    Yes I know that but my iPod DOES autocorrect as I mentioned above. I understand where you're coming from though. I do proofread, believe me on that. I want it the best it can be. I guess I just proofread a little.. Quickly is all. I'll make sure to fix that.

    As for the story, it has the potential to be an interesting coming-of-age story of a young boy growing up and getting to know the world with the help of a Pokemon many wrongly judge. But I have to say it came across as a weak wish-fulfillment fantasy that doesn't make for a great story.

    You present a character who does nothing but whine about how awful his life was, even though it sounds like he grew up in a privileged middle-class family in a first-world country. He didn't have to deal with poverty or starvation or abuse or death - he was never truly deprived like many other children are in less fortunate countries. At the start, all he complains about is neglect, and while that sucks, it's something a lot of teenagers emo about and exaggerate, so it just feels silly reading about. To top it off, depression and suicide are serious issues. Frankly, it's a topic you shouldn't try to tackle unless you know anything about it, by which I mean do your research. Around 276,000 people between the ages 15-25 yrs try to kill themselves every year, and 5000 succeed. Suicide is a serious issue and it affects people seriously, and you shouldn't include it in a fic just to make your character seem edgy.
    He's 13 and thinks the world is worse than it is. He did deal with abuse, a lot. If I remember right, I even mentioned it quite a few times in the fic. Heck, it's even happening in the next chapter (which I'll be explaining many key things).


    I also mentioned I do know what I'm talking about because I went through this as well. I went through depression horribly because of family, school, etc., and at one point I wanted to kill myself. I told numerous people where one even told, and I quote, "Hell, if I were you I'd kill myself too." and that was from a close friend. I know some people may think this is a touchy subject but it was a risk I was willing to take and it was a way for me to speak out.


    Unfortunately, the second half of the story is a very overdone scene, which means it just reads as being cheesy. It's hard to take it seriously for that reason, especially because it's quite obvious that Kyle isn't seriously going to kill himself, so it's predictable.
    Rereading it a few times over again, I can see what you mean. I'm terribly sorry abou that. If I do a rewrite (which I'm sure I'll do to fix any problems), I'll be sure to fix this.

    That's another reason I would say you should completely do away with the suicide thing - it doesn't really add anything to your story, and it just makes Kyle sound like he's being a drama queen. Not to mention that he's never shown to even try and fix his problems first, and he's kind of a jerk because he writes a suicide note to his parents, then wanders off without ever telling them that he's okay. Honestly, he's just not a very good character, and not someone that your readers will want to cheer for.
    I see. Again in chapter 2, he'll be returning home and you'll see why he wanted to commit suicide.

    But the good news is that this is easy to fix! There are plenty of other reasons Kyle could run into the forest - he could have family problems that he wants to escape for a bit. Maybe he just wants some time to himself. Maybe he's frustrated with school and goes for a walk to clear his head. Maybe he's an artist and he's looking for inspiration. Any of those could result in him wanting to leave home and go on his own journey. It's a good set-up for a coming-of-age story which is nicely different than the standard "go to professor's lab, get starter, become a trainer" type of fic you see so often.
    I actually really like this idea. If I do a rewrite, I'll be sure to use one of these ideas!

    While the rest of your fic has elements that are quite overdone by other teenage fic writers, you can use this aspect of it to make a more original story, and you should realize and take advantage of that.


    I know this review may come off as negative, but the point remains that you do have a good idea at the core of your story, which you should use in a more creative and less cheesy way. Your writing is decent in itself, though you do need to proofread more, and decide on a specific way for characters to speak (Shadowstar goes from very serious and wise to very casual, which doesn't really work). I have faith that you can make a more original story out of this, using a character readers will enjoy reading about.

    Good luck!

    ~Psychic
    Thank you very much, Psychic. Those are the kind of reviews I like to see. And don't worry, it's not negative. It is extremely helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to do a thorough review!

    I'll be sure to fix everything when I rewrite it. Much appreciated!
    Last edited by Absol6028; 9th December 2012 at 2:47 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    Yes I know that but my iPod DOES autocorrect as I mentioned above. I understand where you're coming from though. I do proofread, believe me on that. I want it the best it can be. I guess I just proofread a little.. Quickly is all. I'll make sure to fix that.
    I'm aware - my iPod touch has autocorrect as well, but it's not as strong as what Microsoft Word offers (which also addresses grammatical issues and even provides a thesaurus). Word is meant for professional and detailed pieces, including essays or novels (and thus, fics), which simply isn't offered on an iPod. There's a reason we say Microsoft Word is the best option.

    The point isn't that you should just do a quick proofread, however; the point is that you can return to your work more than once, editing and improving it over time until it looks ready for the public, and then going over it another two or three more times just to be sure. Good writing isn't something that just comes out of you, gets a look-over and can automatically be gold, even for the most brilliant of writers. Writing is something that requires time and effort for the best of us.


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    He's 13 and thinks the world is worse than it is. He did deal with abuse, a lot. If I remember right, I even mentioned it quite a few times in the fic. Heck, it's even happening in the next chapter (which I'll be explaining many key things).
    I'm aware of that, and I apologize for not addressing it. That said, there is no clear difference between what Kyle thinks and what the narration portrays. Kyle says "my life is horrible and suicide is the only reasonable option," even though a normal reader would say "Kyle's needs to get some perspective, because he is wrong," and there is no part of the narration that implies that "okay, Kyle is overreacting." The narration implies that everything Kyle things and feels is 100% right and justified, when that simply isn't the case. There should be something in the narration that shows exactly what you just said - that what he thinks and what the reality of the situation is are not the same thing. Without that distinction, it sounds like we're supposed to agree completely with this 13-year-old kid who isn't even thinking clearly.

    The other part of it is that there are different ways to portray depression and abuse. They can be portrayed as being a serious issue that mentally scars and can hurt victims dearly, which people experience and are affected by in different degrees, forcing readers to see and empathize with that trauma. They can also be portrayed as the cause of making characters emo, angst and self-pity, to the extent that readers merely roll their eyes. Unfortunately, in many stories by younger writers, you get the later case, making it difficult for a fic with that topic to be taken seriously.


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    I also mentioned I do know what I'm talking about because I went through this as well. I went through depression horribly because of family, school, etc., and at one point I wanted to kill myself. I told numerous people where one even told, and I quote, "Hell, if I were you I'd kill myself too." and that was from a close friend. I know some people may think this is a touchy subject but it was a risk I was willing to take and it was a way for me to speak out.
    I'm sorry to be brusk, but while that is terrible that you experienced this, that does not make you an expert on depression or suicide. Your experiences are your own, which means that while you understand the difficulties of your own situation, you don't know the complexities of the greater issue at hand. The way you experienced these things and the way other people experienced these things are entirely different, and have their own set of complexities and sensitivities, hence you can't become an expert without taking that into account.

    Many young adult writers write about these topics, and unfortunately because they lacked that knowledge, there has been a history of wangsty, emo, exaggerated stories with depressed protagonists. As a result, depressed protagonists in fics are often difficult to take seriously, because young writers of the past handled them so poorly. If you want to write about depression and suicide and be taken seriously, you must put in the time and research the topic and how to handle it well first. It's not a topic that most people can get right, and it's not something that everyone should tackle as a result. For instance, I've been writing for years, and I know I'm not ready to include such subjects in my writing.


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    Rereading it a few times over again, I can see what you mean. I'm terribly sorry abou that. If I do a rewrite (which I'm sure I'll do to fix any problems), I'll be sure to fix this.
    Good to hear. I would seriously encourage you to edit this asap, however.


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    I see. Again in chapter 2, he'll be returning home and you'll see why he wanted to commit suicide.
    The thing is, it's hard to introduce a suicidal character and expect readers to take them seriously if you don't actually address the cause of it quickly. Again, that was why your beginning was so weak; you introduce a character who whines that he wants to commit suicide, and you say that it's just because people forgot about his birthday while glossing over the beatings. It makes a bad impression; because of the first thing Kyle emphasizes, it sets a precedent, and we assume that this is just a kid who freaks out over little things, and he's portrayed as being justified in reacting this way. It the story had started with "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm still gritting my teeth and clenching my cheek where he struck me today. I do my best not to cry when he gets in these moods. It only fuels him" then you would be setting a different tone. (Not that that was a perfect example, which goes toward my point of my discomfort with trying to write about the topic).


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    I actually really like this idea. If I do a rewrite, I'll be sure to use one of these ideas!
    Glad to hear it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Absol6028 View Post
    Thank you very much, Psychic. Those are the kind of reviews I like to see. And don't worry, it's not negative. It is extremely helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to do a thorough review!

    I'll be sure to fix everything when I rewrite it. Much appreciated!
    I'm glad to be able to help. I see that you want to tackle a difficult subject and that you want to do so tactfully, but you also have to be aware of the history behind it and the sensitivity with which the subject needs to be handled.

    Essentially what I've been getting at is that abuse, depression and suicide are incredibly serious and sensitive topics that are incredibly difficult to handle well, even for the best of writers. And unfortunately, you have a lot of young writers who want to tackle these subjects, but they lack the knowledge, experience and professionalism to do so well. As a result, if you want to write about those topics in fan fiction, it's hard to be taken seriously because there's such a history of people practically making a mockery of the subjects.

    That's why getting educated and seeing how to handle the subjects well VS poorly is vital. That's where I'd suggest you start if you want to continue this fic, really. Find fics and novels where these are key themes, and figure out which writers do a good or bad job, and learn from there.


    Again, sorry for such a heavy-duty reply, but you seem like the type with whom it's best to simply be frank, and who wants to learn and improve. Don't be disheartened - nobody's perfect, but everyone needs to know how to learn from their mistakes. I wish you the best of luck. :>

    ~Psychic

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