15th December 2012, 3:42 AM
[PG-15] The Adventures of Dragonite and his Purple Haired Sidekick
These one shot fics are dedicated to all fans of Iris's dragonite out there and his amazing personality.
CHAPTER ONE: THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY
Ash was a disgrace to humanity.
Not only did he send out Oshawott against a Hydreigon of all things, he somehow lost the battle with Kotetsu in the top 8 of the Unova league because right as Pikachu was about to strike the final blow a judge quickly ran onto the field. Apparently one person can only enter a maximum of 4 leagues in one year and Ash has now participated in 5, hence automatic disqualification. Ash treid to protest, but alas unfortunately he was still only 10 years old.
As Ash sank into a deep funk, Iris just pointed at him, laughed and said "What a kid!". Cilan however was more diplomatic than that and offered to treat the 3 of them to some cotton candy. So the threesome walked outside to some park benches with a few food vendors perched around them selling all sorts of delicious treats. Cilan led to way to one of the vendors and requested some cotton candy for the 3 of them. Unfortunately he didn't anticipate Dragonite listening in from his pokeball and popping out in all of his fat orange glory. While he was still a wild pokemon he enjoyed beating uo small children and taking their food, he grew a particular fondness for twinkies and funnel cakes but especially cotton candy.
Oh the cotton candy.
The delicious pink treat made Dragonite's entire body turn to mush as the delectable sweetness slowly absorbed itself into his tongue and made its way down into his belly. Dragonite can still remember the first time he saw a little kid walking home from a carnival carrying a large cup of the treat. He quickly punched the little kid in the face and stole his food, simply by smelling it Dragonite's body went on high alert, every cell in his body tingling from the smell alone. Oh the memories of that first night, Dragonite could not even sleep as his body went on high alert, euphoria rushing through his veins as he started hyperventilating from the effects of the treat. That night he could not sleep. The next 2 weeks he could not think of anything else and constantly raided little kids for the stuff. Eventually he slowly recovered from the dreadful effects of cotton candy withdrawal.
However as Cilan said "IT'S COTTON CANDY TIME!" All those repressed desires surged right back up again, exploding in a flash of blue as Dragonite frantically extricated himself from his small spherical prison and unleashed himself on the delectable delicacy. The small wooden table on which Cilan set the candy could not hold the weight of the massive orange dragon and it broke. Dragonite crammed his face full of the pink treasure making obscene sounds that made a nearby mother scream and hold her hands over her son's ears. Ash and Pikachu were still sulking while Iris began yelling at Dragonite in anger.
He slapped her with his tail and then ran to the vendor. The VENDOR asked "How can I help you today?" Dragonite grabbed him by his collar and then screamed in pokespeak " I WANT COTTON CANDY!" Then smashed the guy through the counter leaving a large hole. Dragonite reached into the cavity and pulled out a map. On the map it said THE LOCATION OF THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY.
Dragonite nearly fainted from shock.THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY was said to be the best cotton candy in the world. Countless explorers have attempted to search for it but all have failed. IF Dragonite could find the treasure he could send his taste buds to heaven. The vendor began stirring at that point Dragonite made a painful choice.
He used flamethrower on the Vendor and his cart, burning down the evidence of the crime. Then he punched Ash, Iris and Pikachu in the face, knocking them out cold and then grabbed pignite's pokeball and released the bewildered pig before quickly flying away with the map. Officer Jenny showed up in a little while and Arrested Pignite for property damage and manslaughter. The pig eventually escaped and became the legendary outlaw Boarbeque, known for cooking his victims alive and eating them with BBQ sauce. But that is not the story we have today.
Dragonite looked at the map and decided to fly straight to the land of sweets where the THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY was said to reside in the center of Mt.Cotton. On the way there though as Dragonite was flying over some random city his stomach started growling hard. Eventually he landed in an empty parking lot next to a run down but still operational McDucklett's restuarant. Dragonite ordered 6 Burgers, 12 fries, and 5 Drinks and dug in. When he was done and the waitress brought in the receipt he realized he had no money. Dragonites had no pockets and Iris refused to buy him those pants he wanted.
She said it made his butt look big.
Dragonite began to sweat, what was he to do? He couldn't pay the large bill in front of him! Then suddenly a gunshot rang out and the waitress fell dead to the floor with a dart through her brain.Attached to the dart was a sheet of paper. Dragonite cautiously went over and took the note. On it it said
WE KNOW YOUR SECRET
YOU WEAR A SIZE 52
Dragonite began frothing at the mouth as he flipped a table and busted some windows in search of the shooter but there was nothing. He flipped the note over and saw that it had a PS
ANYONE SEARCHING FOR THE THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY WILL BE ELIMINATED
WE WARNED YOU
Dragonite had a bad temper. It started all the way back when he was a dratini where his daddy would get drunk and beat him like a rag doll. As a Dragonair he was constantly picked on by a Salamence who enjoyed using him as dental floss. This is not even counting that one time when a confused Gyarados mistook him for his wife Milotic and dragged the poor dragonair back to his home and turned an already bad day into a living nightmare. Worse still was what happened when MIlotic came home and found out what had gone down with her husband and some random Dragonair. The saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned had never proven more true than when Dragonair was brutally beaten and frozen by the enraged Milotic before she turned on her husband. In short by the time Dragonite evolved fully he had a list of grievances a mile long and a desire to avenge himself of his former bullies. The day when he finally learned thunderpunch and took his revenge on Milotic was the proudest moment of his life. Not only did he manage to shock the Gyarados to the point of death itself, he also took his sweet revenge on Milotic, leaving them lying dead in a pool of their neighbors' when they heard the commotion and tried to help. After about 2 hours of fighting Dragonite decided to name his fist Thor, as thunderpunch really pulled its weight. Finally all that was left was a small Horsea trembling in fear. His father, an elderly Kingdra gasped and wheezed as he said "Please spare my son!, he's all I have left!"
Dragonite pondered the decision for a little while. Then smashed the Kingdra's head in, spraying the vicinity with blood. He then turned towards the small Horsea now literally convulsing with fear. Dragonite thought he saw himself in the Horsea's eyes. He smiled devilishly and moved in. The sounds of the Horsea could have deafened an exploud that night.
Good thing Dragonite wore earplugs.
After he was done he examined his handiwork and then took out a cigarette and took a long drag.
As Dragonite was strolling down memory lane, he heard a beeping growing steadily more frequent. He recognized the sound as the beeping of a bomb and quickly flew out the building quickly as the blast incinerated the entire city block, leaving a massive cloud of smoke which dragonite used to his advantage.
Dragonite then went to the four temples of the sugar gods. The temple of fluff, located in the jungle. The temple of color, located in the far north. The temple of smell, located in the desert, and finally the temple of sweetness found in an underwater trench. There Dragonite prayed to the four gods in turn and received a blessing from all of them. As the final god granted his blessing, the map started to glow and the path to Mt.Cotton was revealed. Then a ninja burst into the temple and tried to make away with the map only for dragonite to grab the ninja by the arm and tear it straight off taking the map with it. Then Dragonite roasted the ninja alive and had dinner.
Too bad the ninja had already completed his objective.
The next day he set off towards Mt.Cotton unaware that the ninja had taken a picture of the map and an ambush was in wait for him. Dragonite touched down en pointe in a small meadow high up on the mountain. He did a little twirl, smelled the fresh air and started lightly dancing all the way up some stone steps, twirling every so often. This was all needed for the door to open. Finally after dragonite recited a Soliloquy and danced on a hot tin roof, the door opened. At that moment smoke bombs went off everywhere and someone kicked Dragonite in the groin making him double over. Then a bag was put over his head and he was forced onto a plane. Once he was on the bag was removed and he was rescorted by gunpoint by 3 heavily armed guards. They told him to put his hands up and to keep walking.
Dragonite however had another idea. He swung his tail down and smashed one of the guards in the groin with his tail as hard as he could. Then whipped around, knocking the other 2 guards down. Then he took all of their guns and ran away. He shot all the opposition and escape through the cargo hold. He thought about it. Then used flamethrower to burn down the cargo which turned out to be mostly explosives.
Dragonite got away just in time.
He finally entered the cave of THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY. He walked through a giant hall of statues showing previous pilgrims to the holy land of cotton candy and those who had achieved the impossible and tasted the food of the Gods. At long last Dragonite walked all the way down the hallway and into an antechamber where he saw a massive golden statue holding a mound of the cotton candy, glistening with color and just ripe for the taking. Then instantly he was blasted aside by a dragon pulse as a Kingdra quickly surfed over and claimed the cotton candy. The Kingdra ate the whole thing and then started laughing.
"HAHAHAHA I got the cotton candy fatso!, I vowed to get revenge on you ever since that fateful day when I was just a wee Horsea. Now not only do I have the candy but your trainer has been captured by Team Plasma! I've spent so long plotting this, performing all the research stealing the money, and got some children and brutally ra-"
Dragonite interjected "wait wait wait, really? Do you really want to leave this world blind? Because your an eye for an eye philosophy really only creates more and more victims to the vicious neverending cycle of revenge. Even now I feel a great sense of regret for all the pain I've caused others as a result of my horribly misguided actions as the result of my anger. Don't you think some of the children you've deflowered might try and take revenge on you now? and then the pokemon they've hurt will try and hurt them? Kingdra you've created many monsters in your wake. I'm sorry for what I did to you, can't we all just get along??"
Kingdra started crying " What have I done?"
Dragonite replied " It's fine now, just stay here, I'll go get some tissues for you"
Kingdra replied "tha-BONK!"
Suddenly the statue tipped over and collapsed on top of Kingdra, killing the giant dragon seahorse revealing a secret hallway behind it opening out to a pedestal with the real THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY sitting on top of it. Dragonite started laughing as he remebered just how gullible the Kingdra was. In order to get the real treasure a sacrifice must be made. As fast as his legs could carry him, Dragonite ran over to the pedestal and grabbed the heavenly treat, stuffing his face full and reveling in the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. He ate for hours as THE MYTHICAL LEGENDARY HOLY SACRED COTTON CANDY kept refilling himself. Finally sated, Dragonite grabbed some SACRED doggie bags and filled them with the legendary treat. Finally he went over to a mirror and started posing in front of it. Some chisels descended onto a block of marble behind the mirror and started carving a statue of Dragonite's likeness.
At long last Dragonite took his loot and flew back to Unova. He roasted some plasma grunts and rescued the gang. Everybody enjoyed the cotton candy except Ash. Unfortunately no one knew where he was. As for Ash however. there was no need to worry about him. He was only sent to jail for trying to bust out Pignite. After all how dangerous can a giant 300 pound muscular cellmate be anyways? right?
Last edited by LizardonX; 27th December 2012 at 11:44 PM.
16th December 2012, 4:20 AM
19th December 2012, 5:31 AM
Okay, good attempt at humor. The grammar and spelling, however, sucked, to be frankly. In my opinion. But the humor balances it out a little.
Overall, pretty funny, but lots of Improvement needed.