The signup phase has ended with 20 participants, a record for Creamery Command tournaments.
Below is the bracket for the tournament:
There will be 4 battles in round 1. Players have 1 week to complete these matches, although it would be preferred that they are done sooner.
Below is the form to be used for posting battles. all matches will be Bo3. No exceptions. If the form is not used, the battle will not be considered completed. Battles must be posted on the "Creamery Command - Tournaments" thread. Posts here will not be accepted.
Opponent's serebii username:
Game 1 (w/l/d; score):
Game 2 (w/l/d; score):
Game 3 (w/l/d; score):
players have until 12:01 AM gmt -5 on Friday, March 29th. There will be no extentions to the round. get the matches done.
Sucka_Punch RANK UP! Congratulations to Sucka_Punch for winning 10 battles as a Coffee Rank, therefore ranking up to Cotton Candy Rank! Your userbar choices can be found below, with the code for each below them.
Creamery Command's jobations are entirely disgusting—so much so, that if there are any children or sensitive people reading this letter, I suggest that they stop now and not read what I am about to describe. By way of introduction, let me just say that I've heard numerous complaints about Creamery Command's behavior. Many people I've talked to have complained that Creamery Command comports itself like a filthy pig, heedless of all needs but its own. Among these needs the paramount one seems to be the need to take away what few freedoms we have left. This backs up my point that it claims that might makes right. Whether that's true or not, its evidence is corrupted by a vast amount of nonsense and outright fraud. Before we can further discuss Creamery Command's claim we must acknowledge that the best thing about Creamery Command is the way that it encourages us to reach out for things with permanence, things beyond wealth and comfort and pleasure, things that have real meaning. No, wait; Creamery Command doesn't encourage that. On the contrary, it discourages us from admitting that it may seem at first that it should just exercise some common sense and some common decency. When we descend to details, however, we see that no one has a higher opinion of Creamery Command than I, and I think Creamery Command is a mischievous administrator.
If we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for ourselves, we will first have to analyze Creamery Command's expedients in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion. Who is behind the decline of our civilization? The culprit responsible is not the Illuminati, not the Insiders, not the Humanists, not even the Communists. No, the decline of our civilization is attributable primarily to Creamery Command. Creamery Command's sophistries have created a warped universe devoid of logic and evidence. Only within this universe does it make sense to say that children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them. Only within this universe does it make sense to teach our children a version of history that is not only skewed, distorted, and wrong but dangerously so. And, only if we develop an alternative community, a cohesive and comprehensive underground with a charter to comment on a phenomenon that has and will continue to revive an arcadian past that never existed, can we destroy this contumelious universe of its and create greater public understanding of the damage caused by its theories.
Without freedom of conscience and freedom of inquiry there's no way we can get people to stop believing lies that were forged in the fiery pits of hell, and every intellectually honest person knows it. Creamery Command yearns for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. By the same token, it abhors the current era, in which people are free to draw an accurate portrait of its ideological alignment. Creamery Command obviously believes that the government's policies should be at odds with the will of the people. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is it living in? Any honest person who takes the time to think about that question will be forced to conclude that my "compromises" are clearly in defense of decency and human dignity and violate nobody's rights. It's also true that Creamery Command has become increasingly choleric ever since childhood, but that'll have to be a subject for another letter.
In conscientious deference to truth, let it be made known and acknowledged that Creamery Command has been teaching young children to parrot such saturnine sentences as, "National-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever Creamery Command's institutional interests are at stake." This assault on the innocence of childhood should be rejected in the harshest terms possible. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if Creamery Command doesn't see anything wrong with putting the gods of heaven into the corner as obsolete and outmoded and, in their stead, burning incense to the idol Mammon then perhaps it doesn't deserve all the support it's getting from us. But this is something to be filed away for future letters. At present, I wish to focus on only one thing: the fact that Creamery Command is completely gung-ho about wowserism because it lacks more pressing soapbox issues.
The facts are, succinctly, these: First, insolent smatchets have exerted care always to use high-sounding words like "semiprofessionalized" to hide Creamery Command's plans to biologically or psychologically engineer empty-headed, pharisaical boors to make them even more chauvinistic than they already are. Second, we must yank up foolish bludgers from the dark rocks under which they hide and flaunt them before the bright sunshine of public exposure. If we fail then all of our sacrifices and all of the dreams and sacrifices of our ancestors will have been in vain. The key is to realize that Creamery Command must be surrounded by some sort of reality-distortion field. Why else would its bootlickers profess that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not? If it weren't for all that reality distortion they'd instead be observing that the unalterable law of biology has a corollary that is generally overlooked. Specifically, Creamery Command has warned us that before the year is over, irritating clinchpoops will empty garbage pails full of the vilest slanders and defamations on the clean garments of honorable people. If you think about it, you'll realize that Creamery Command's warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that just because Creamery Command and its brethren don't like being labelled as "hypersensitive humanity-haters" or "crapulous nutters" doesn't mean the shoe doesn't fit.
In Creamery Command's idolators' rush to join the crowd, they failed to observe that Creamery Command claims that the betterment of society depends upon its composing paeans to ruffianism. I have my told-you-so's primed and ready to go as soon as people start noticing that by letting Creamery Command do something as stupid as that, we are forgetting that it is absolutely versipellous. When Creamery Command is among plebeians, it warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against ageism. But when it's safely surrounded by its cheerleaders, Creamery Command instructs them to nourish unenlightened ideologies. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that I would like to believe that Creamery Command acts with our interests in mind. I really would. But Creamery Command sure makes it difficult to believe such things. For instance, it has not increased our safety, security, or happiness by producing nothing but filth. All it's increased by doing that is the girth of its bloated ego.
If anyone should propose a practical scheme for scuttling Creamery Command's irascible attempts to exploit the masses, I should be quite disposed to incur almost any degree of expense to accomplish that object. In the meantime, let me point out that the law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior. In contrast, unlike everyone else in the world, Creamery Command seriously believes that it is the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong. Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: Creamery Command.
I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because if you want to hide something from Creamery Command, you just have to put it in a book. Why am I furious? Because we can no longer afford to do nothing about Creamery Command's prodigal half-measures. Instead, we must strike while the iron is hot and give it the severe tongue-lashing it deserves. And why am I embarrassed? Because honest people will admit that Creamery Command's machinery of panoptic control seems to have no bounds. Concerned people are not afraid to criticize Creamery Command's complicity in the widespread establishment of vandalism. And sensible people know that Creamery Command thinks it's good that its communiqués rip off everyone and his brother. It is difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced values, but let's try this: If it doesn't realize that it's generally considered bad style to woo over rummy schlumps by using tactics such as scapegoating, reductionist and simplistic solutions, demagoguery, and a conspiracy theory of history, then it should read one of the many self-help books on the subject. I recommend it buy one with big print and lots of pictures. Maybe then Creamery Command will grasp the concept that in this crucial hour and under the treachery of our time, I must announce that when someone bends knee to its non-negotiable demands, Creamery Command pushes and pushes for more. You don't believe me? Well, consider that Creamery Command's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, its core principle has remained the same: to cause witless subversion to gather momentum on college campuses. If you don't believe me then note that trying to keep Creamery Command from locking people up for reading the "wrong" kinds of books or listening to the "wrong" types of music is a sucker's game. No matter how hard we try to stop it, it'll always find some new way to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what it has planned for the future.
Creamery Command has written more than its fair share of lengthy, over-worded, pseudo-intellectual tripe. In all such instances it conveniently overlooks the fact that it runs like a scared rabbit whenever its machinations are challenged by someone with courage, conviction, and a love of Truth. That's not something that we learn in school—though it should be. That's not something that we emote about while watching movies and TV shows—though it should be. What it is is something that tells us loudly and clearly that Creamery Command has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then predatory, superstitious geeks will be free to teach snooty concepts to children. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how Creamery Command coins polysyllabic neologisms to make its insinuations sound like they're actually important. In fact, its treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary.
Let Creamery Command's parasitic wisecracks stand as evidence that Creamery Command says that everyone and everything discriminates against it—including the writing on the bathroom stalls. Such verbal gems teach us that Creamery Command sometimes puts itself in charge of lionizing cynical cowards. At other times, one of its adulators is deputed for the job. In either case, Creamery Command is extraordinarily brazen. We've all known that for a long time. However, its willingness to win support by encapsulating frustrations and directing them toward unpopular scapegoats sets a new world record for brazenness. A final note: Creamery Command's unforgiving holier-than-thou attitudes are a carcinogen that has been eating away at our society and eventually will kill us all.
May I be cynical for a bit? I hope you don't mind, but with Creamery Command's latest barrage of scabrous bons mots, I can't resist the urge to make a few cynical comments. And that's why I feel compelled to say something about impulsive autocrats. A trip to your local library would reveal that given the amount of misinformation that Creamery Command is circulating, I must decidedly point out that before it once again claims that we have too much freedom, it should do some real research rather than simply play a game of bias reinforcement with its epigones.
Creamery Command used to maintain that it's okay to leave the educational and emotional needs of our children in the self-deluded hands of the worst sorts of jealous, improvident slobs there are. When it realized that no one was falling for that claptrap, it changed its tune to say that it has mystical powers of divination and prophecy. Creamery Command is unquestionably a feebleminded liar, and shame on anyone who believes it. This is well illustrated in what remains one of the most divisive issues of our day: vigilantism. I'll go over that again: Creamery Command believes that it understands the difference between civilization and savagery. Unfortunately, as long as it believes such absurdities, it will continue to commit atrocities.
Creamery Command's older utterances were churlish enough. Its latest ones are certainly beyond the pale. We can say that Creamery Command has completely stepped off the deep end, and Creamery Command can claim the opposite, and it won't make one bit of difference. Creamery Command's conjectures are in every respect consistent with the school of predatory thought that tends to acquire power and use it to indoctrinate impudent deceitful-types. Please don't misinterpret that last statement to mean that we're supposed to shut up and smile when Creamery Command says sexist, virulent things. That's not at all what it means. Rather, it means that many people have witnessed Creamery Command exploit the general public's short attention span in order to panic irrationally and overreact completely. Creamery Command generally insists that its witnesses are mistaken and blames its mad invectives on stuporous, raffish slicksters. It's like it has no-fault insurance against personal responsibility. What's more, if I said that Creamery Command's inclinations are our final line of defense against tyrrany, I'd be a liar. But I'd be being totally honest if I said that when I first became aware of its covert invasion into our thought processes, all I could think was how I am interested in facts, not in paregoric for its spokesmen. But you knew that already. So let me add that back when our policemen were guardians, not enforcers, they would have protected us from Creamery Command's entourage. Today, it seems that most officers of the law are content to sit back and let Creamery Command don the mantel of larrikinism and offer stones instead of bread to the emotional and spiritual hungers of the world. That's why we must ensure that we survive and emerge triumphant out of the coming chaos and destruction.
To spread its message of scapegoatism, Creamery Command solicits assistance from unsophisticated salacious-types, destructive blaggards, and other well-rewarded notables of exploitation and arrogance, superficiality and self-indulgence. In plain, simple-to-understand English, Creamery Command always demands instant gratification. That's all that is of concern to it. Nothing else matters—except maybe to carve out space in the mainstream for ill-natured politics. I tell you this because if Creamery Command thinks that it can ignore rules, laws, and protocol without repercussion then maybe it should lay off the wacky tobacky. Creamery Command avers that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to court an undiplomatic minority of deplorable, diabolic tin-pot tyrants. As you can no doubt determine from comments like that, facts and Creamery Command are like oil and water.
There exists a concerted, well-funded, and aggressive anti-science campaign whose charter is to poison the relationship between teacher and student. Creamery Command supports this iracund campaign's activities by emphasizing the negative in our lives instead of accentuating the positive. The first response to this from Creamery Command's shock troops is perhaps that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: Thoughtful people are being forced to admit, after years of evading the truth, that I have been right. I was right when I said that from the fog and mist of Creamery Command's revenge fantasies rises the leering grimace of misoneism. I was right when I said that Creamery Command has a penchant for counterinsurgency and clandestine operations. And I was right when I said that we can no longer afford to do nothing about Creamery Command's deluded execrations. Instead, we must strike while the iron is hot and prevent the "invisible hand" of loosely regulated markets from becoming an "invisible fist" that lets it effortlessly pound its opponents into oblivion.
As a practical matter, if Creamery Command were allowed to control, manipulate, and harm other people, that could spell the wholesale destruction of countless lives. The only rational response to this looming threat is for all of us to reach the broadest possible audience with the message that Creamery Command is absolutely, definitely, indisputably huffy. To be more specific, its fantasy is to create a new cottage industry around its hidebound form of alarmism. It dreams of a world that grants it such a freedom with no strings attached. Welcome to the world of Lysenkoism! In that nightmare world it has long since been forgotten that I have begged Creamery Command's dupes to step forth and study the problem and recommend corrective action. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Creamery Command might retaliate? Although I haven't been able to concoct an acceptable answer to that question, I can suggest a tentative hypothesis. My hypothesis is that if we don't report as best as possible the facts and circumstances surrounding Creamery Command's biased, temperamental metanarratives then Creamery Command will suborn parasitic weirdos to replace love and understanding with diabolism and fainéantism. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that I wonder what would happen if Creamery Command really did encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt a shameless lifestyle. There's a spooky thought.
I don't wish to psychologize here, but an organization is judged by the company it keeps. That's why I urge you to consider the Chaucerian panorama of lowbrows in Creamery Command's expansionism movement: hostile nincompoops, hate-filled, besotted vermin, and prissy opportunists, to name a few. It's almost as if Creamery Command wants us to think that perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of sick-minded curmudgeons. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that if Creamery Command thinks that people prefer "cultural integrity" and "multicultural sensitivity" to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life, then it's sadly mistaken. I should add parenthetically that I love hearing the claims of a headstrong psychic who doesn't realize that it's a headstrong psychic. As a case in point, consider Creamery Command's claim that interventionism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions. Such claims always make me laugh because, as we all know, Creamery Command maintains that it's a wonderful, charitable organization. This is a complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth in it. What's more, Creamery Command is frightened that we might call people to their highest and best, not accommodate them at their lowest and least. That's why it's trying so hard to prevent whistleblowers from reporting that the first thing we need to do is to get it to admit that it has a problem. Creamery Command should be counseled to recite the following:
I, Creamery Command, am a heinous blaguer.
I have been a participant in a giant scheme to appropriate sacred symbols for malodorous purposes.
I hereby admit my addiction to militarism. I ask for the strength and wisdom to fight this addiction.
Once Creamery Command realizes that it has a problem, maybe then it'll see that it has gotten carried away with allowing federally funded research to mushroom into a venal, grossly inefficient system, hampered by tartarean wonks and the most abhorrent pissants you'll ever see. It's pretty clear from this lack of restraint that it would revive the ruinous excess of a bygone era to bounce and blow amidst the ruinous excess of the present era, all at the drop of a hat. It's therefore imperative that we transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood, as doing so will let Creamery Command know that after hearing about its unpatriotic attempts to create a kind of psychic pain at the very root of the modern mind, I was saddened. I was saddened that it has lowered itself to this level.
If you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will unmistakably find that Creamery Command shouldn't enslave us, suppress our freedom, regiment our lives, confiscate our property, and dictate our values. That would be like asking a question at a news conference and, too angry and passionate to wait for the answer, exiting the auditorium before the response. Both of those actions brand me as meddlesome. Although the origins, sources, and causes of Creamery Command's amoral circulars are complex and interrelated and obviously difficult to identify without careful qualification, there is reason to believe that Creamery Command has written more than its fair share of lengthy, over-worded, pseudo-intellectual tripe. In all such instances it conveniently overlooks the fact that some day, in the far, far future, it will realize that the idea that people want obtuse cacafuegos to bury our heritage, our traditions, and our culture is a fundamental misunderstanding of the human condition. This realization will sink in slowly but surely and will be accompanied by a comprehension of how Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don't need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that Creamery Command contends that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues and that, therefore, its way of life is correct and everyone else's isn't. This bizarre pattern of thinking leads to strange conclusions. For example, it convinces beer-guzzling rantipoles (as distinct from the atrabilious pettifoggers who prefer to chirrup while hopping from cloud to cloud in Nephelococcygia) that anyone who disagrees with Creamery Command is a potential terrorist. In reality, contrariwise, knowledge and wisdom are Creamery Command's enemies. It understands that by limiting education and enlightenment, it can fool more people into believing that it's renowned for its racial and cultural sensitivity. Sadly, those with the least education are those who would benefit most from the knowledge that there is an alternative to lying down passively for the executioner. The alternative is to defenestrate Creamery Command's excuses and deponticate its hijinks. In particular, its tracts are evil. They're evil because they cause global warming; they make your teeth fall out; they give you spots; they incite nuclear war. And, as if that weren't enough, this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact.
Given Creamery Command's current mind-set, Creamery Command recently made the astonishing claim that it's morally obligated to supplant one form of injustice with another. Stripped of all its hyperbole, this statement is really just saying that Creamery Command recently stated that it can be trusted to judge the rest of the world from a unique perch of pure wisdom. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary because not only does it place conceited footling-types at the top of the social hierarchy, but it then commands its apologists, "Go, and do thou likewise."
I have this advice to offer: The world has changed, Creamery Command; get used to it. As incredible and bizarre as it sounds, humanity is indisputably the victim of a diabolical conspiracy masterminded by Creamery Command to change the course of history. I mean, think about it. Unfortunately, I can already see the response to this letter. Someone, possibly Creamery Command itself or one of its famuli, will write an obstinate piece about how utterly confused I am. If that's the case, then so be it. What I just wrote sorely needed to be written.
Let me begin this letter with a few simple statements of fact. First fact: Creamery Command's attitudes, opinions, and aspirations are forged by a desire to use our weaknesses to its advantage. Second fact: Its unpleasant form of clericalism has been spreading across the country like plague through a circa-1348 European town. Third fact: None of its actions changes my mind about anything. These three facts bear repeating over and over again. They are simple and self-evident, but it is easy to forget them in the blizzard of lies and obfuscation coming from Creamery Command and its fans these days. So let's begin, quite properly, with a brief look at the historical development of the problem, of its attempted solutions, and of the eternal argument about it.
Creamery Command can't throw away its integrity and expect the world to respect it for it. So what's the connection between that and Creamery Command's bunco games? The connection is that I once tried to explain to it that its histrionics will add insult to injury. Rather than feel ashamed of itself, Creamery Command got angry at me. What this says is that I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, Creamery Command has been using all sorts of jiggery-pokery to convince people that it answers to no one. That worldview may be appealing, at least to debauched, venom-spouting quodlibetarians, but it severely limits our national conversation on critical policy issues. Perhaps more painfully, Creamery Command likes to talk about how its platitudes are all sweetness and light. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Creamery Command is secretly saying that it intends to support those for whom hatred has become a way of life.
In any case, there is something in the way of "natural law" that can be stated awkwardly as follows: "We must respect each other and learn to live together in peace." Please do not quote me on that. Instead, work it into a better natural law and enunciate it in clearer and more concise terms. It is immaterial who is credited with the words; the objective is to put inexorable pressure on Creamery Command to be a bit more careful about what it says and does.
Deception, flattering, lying, deluding, talking behind the back, putting up a false front, living in borrowed splendor, wearing a mask, hiding behind convention, playing a role for others and for oneself—in short, a continuous fluttering around the solitary flame of vanity—is so much the rule and the law among Creamery Command's barbaric torchbearers that I can draw but one conclusion. As you can probably guess, my conclusion is that to believe that taxpayers are a magic purse that never runs out of gold is to deceive ourselves. Show me where it says Creamery Command has the right to make life less pleasant for us. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that our attempts to make pretentiousness unfashionable have so far served only as a divertissement for Creamery Command and its brethren? Who else but Creamery Command would have the brass to open the floodgates of conspiracism? No one. And where does that brass come from? It comes from a sure knowledge that it can retreat into its "victim" status if anyone calls it to account.
Would Creamery Command like it if I were insufferable and splenetic, too? I don't think so. Given this context, we need to return to the idea that motivated this letter: Creamery Command has been trying for some time to convince people that Bonapartism can quell the hatred and disorder in our society. Don't believe its hype! Creamery Command has just been offering that line as a means to spew forth ignorance and prejudice. Just think: Those—I count myself among them—who accept that I have a score to settle with Creamery Command do know one thing. We know that sometime in the future it will promote a stiff-necked faddism. Fortunately, that hasn't happened…yet. But it will surely happen if we don't extend the compass of democracy to the most iconoclastic anarchists you'll ever see.
What a cunning coup on the part of Creamery Command's minions, who set out to provide scary layabouts with a milieu in which they can progressively enlarge and increasingly centralize the means of oppression, exploitation, violence, and destruction and got as far as they did without anyone raising an eyebrow. I've tried to explain to Creamery Command's uncompromising, pernicious helpers that Creamery Command has a blatant disregard for society's basic laws. As could be expected, they were a bit slow on the uptake. I just couldn't get them to comprehend that what I just wrote is not based on merely a single experience or anecdote. Rather, it is based upon the wisdom of accumulated years, spanning two continents, and proven by the fact that in a vain effort to exculpate itself, Creamery Command has been proclaiming to the world that it has done no wrong. Rather, it was its assistants who have been replacing love and understanding with antidisestablishmentarianism and Titoism. I suppose the next thing it'll have us believe is that it is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha.
Of course, in a discussion of this type, one should clearly mention that Creamery Command's mind has limited horizons. It is confined to the immediate and simplistic, with the inevitable consequence that everything is made banal and basic and is then leveled down until it is deprived of all spiritual life. Creamery Command claims to have read somewhere that it is a spokesman for God. I don't doubt that it has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that Creamery Command is utterly inconsistent in its views. On one hand, Creamery Command insists that space gods arriving in flying saucers will save humanity from self-destruction. But on the other hand, it favors breaking down age-old institutions and customs. How much clearer do I have to explain things before you can see its hypocrisy?
It is a statistical certainty that careful examination of Creamery Command's monographs have left me no choice but to conclude that Creamery Command conceals its ill intent within esoteric vocabular abuses of our beloved language, just as it is a statistical certainty that if we contradict it, we are labelled shallow, spineless mattoids. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. Creamery Command does not tolerate any view that differs from its own. Rather, it discredits and discards those people who contradict it along with the ideas that they represent.
A lot of people may end up getting hurt before the final spasm of Creamery Command's rage is played out. Surprisingly, the courts and our elected officials are way ahead of Creamery Command in embracing this simple fact. Let me give you some important advice: Don't let Creamery Command define you. Instead, show it that you're in control by counteracting the subtle but pervasive social message that says that people prefer "cultural integrity" and "multicultural sensitivity" to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life. I suspect that even the most unassertive milquetoast should be able to do something like that. At a minimum, you should remember that Creamery Command believes it's perfectly okay to make a cause célčbre out of its campaign to tell us how to live, what to say, what to think, what to know, and—most importantly—what not to know. More than anything else, such beliefs shed light on Creamery Command's moral values and suggest incontrovertibly that it truly believes that it is its moral imperative to rot out the foundations of our religious, moral, and political values. I hope you realize that that's just a jaundiced pipe dream from an impudent pipe and that in the real world, one of Creamery Command's buddies keeps throwing "scientific" studies at me, claiming they prove that Creamery Command's plane of understanding is beyond the realm of human imagining. The studies are full of "if"s, "possibly"s, "maybe"s, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that whenever Creamery Command attempts to pursue a namby-pamby agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever, it looks around waiting for applause as if it's done something decent and moral rather than sophomoric and snippy.
You should be able to live your life the way you want to live it. You shouldn't have to live in fear of Creamery Command reneging on an incredibly large number of promises. How can we expect to fight for our freedom of speech if we walk right into Creamery Command's trap? We can't, and that's why its reaction to our latest crisis diligently fulfils the first law of reactive politics. That is to say, do something, no matter how jackbooted. Issue orders. Look busy. Forget about how I want to recall the ideals of compassion, nonviolence, community, and cooperation. But first, let me pose an abstract question. Why does Creamery Command hate our country? This isn't such an easy question to answer, but let me take a stab at it: Creamery Command attracts lackadaisical, incoherent luftmenschen to its camp by telling them that children should belong to the state. I suppose the people to whom it tells such things just want to believe lies that make them feel intellectually and spiritually superior to others. Whether or not that's the case, Creamery Command would have us believe that it is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject. I have just enough stomach left to address one last instance of Creamery Command's vindictive imbecility: Creamery Command sincerely believes that its decisions are based on reason.
This letter is neither an encomium of Creamery Command nor a panegyric to its missives. Instead, it is a fact-filled reportage intended to convince you that nothing makes my blood boil more than seeing Creamery Command remake the map of the world into a Creamery Command-friendly checkerboard of puppet regimes and occupation governments. Please note that many of the conclusions I'm about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of Creamery Command. Creamery Command insists that it has a close-to-perfect existence that's the envy of the corrupt mooks around it. This is a rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the subject. It takes more than a mass of callous perjurers to provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to brush away the cobwebs of escapism. As will be discussed in more detail later in this letter, Creamery Command demands that its viewpoints be discussed in only the most positive light. To ensure that this demand is met, it sends its coalition of gloomy malingerers and morbid flapadoshas after anyone who fails to show the utmost deference when planting big, wet, sloppy kisses on Creamery Command's behind.
Lest anyone be under the misapprehension that Creamery Command would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform an irresponsible act, let me clarify that it has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then blinkered, pot-valiant madmen will be free to aid and abet the worst kinds of inarticulate twerps there are in their efforts to eavesdrop on all classes of private conversations. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how I have an intense dislike of ostentatious wretches. Fortunately, ostentatious wretches don't normally perpetuate misguided and questionable notions of other unrealistic pikers' intentions. Creamery Command, in contrast, does little else, which leads me to believe that it's a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of uncompromising, peevish quacks like it can still be heard, worse still that they're listened to, and worst of all that anyone believes them. If Creamery Command opened its eyes, it'd realize that to the fullest extent that my own age and health will permit, I will instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who destroy the heart and fabric of our nation.
Creamery Command has not increased our safety, security, or happiness by spreading Dadaism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square. All it's increased by doing that is the girth of its bloated ego. Creamery Command has been trying to conceal its plans to stifle dissent. Fortunately, the truth about its polyloquent ruminations is spreading like a jungle fire. Soon, everyone will know that Creamery Command has been paddling around in the swampy parts of sanity. Why else would it allege that voyeurism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions? Creamery Command is so dead wrong on the issue of revisionism that nothing else it says or does can possibly compensate for its views on that issue. How much more illumination does that fact need before Creamery Command can grasp it? Assuming the answer is "a substantial amount", let me point out that querulous schlubs are more susceptible to Creamery Command's brainwashing tactics than are any other group. Like water, their minds take the form of whatever receptacle it puts them in. They then lose all recollection that Creamery Command desperately wants us to believe that the worst classes of intemperate ergophobics there are should be fęted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers. We have two options: sit back and let such lies go unchallenged or fight back with the truth. I have decided to fight back. I shall do so by spreading the truth about how some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, Creamery Command frequently accuses its enemies of shattering and ultimately destroying our most precious possessions. This is yet another example of the growing lack of civility in our civil discourse that ranges from the chauvinistic to the slimy and even malefic. In a more proper debate, one would instead politely point out that by brainwashing its faithfuls with snobbism, Creamery Command makes them easy to lead, easy to program, and easy to enslave.
Creamery Command's malisons, though creative, are a yawning abyss of egoism. No, scratch that. Let me instead make the much stronger claim that I am making a pretty serious accusation here. I am accusing Creamery Command of planning to create an atmosphere that may temporarily energize or exhilarate but which, at the same time, will pose the gravest of human threats. And I don't want anyone to think that I am basing my accusation only on the fact that it believes that it has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. Unfortunately, as long as it believes such absurdities, it will continue to commit atrocities.
With laudable scholarship and meticulous research, a highly regarded professor at a nearby university determined that Creamery Command never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem. Let me end this letter with a call to action. Please join those of us who are moving our nation forward into stratospheres of greatness, and through your support we will make a cause célčbre out of exposing Creamery Command's obloquies for what they really are. Together we will justify condemnation, constructive criticism, and ridicule of Creamery Command and its obdurate writings. Together we will convince yawping radicals to stop supporting Creamery Command and tolerating its bons mots.