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Thread: Best In the World (Title will probably change)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Mossdeep City, Hoenn

    Default Best In the World (Title will probably change)

    Okay, my second attempt at a Pokefic feels successful, so I'll post it this time. I would love to get as much feedback as possible, as long as it is respectful. I'm kinda nervous, but here it is:

    My name, is Joey. I am a Pokémon trainer. I will someday be the best in the world, but first, I need to abandon the drag of a life I live. I’m from Cherrygrove City, Johto. I lived in that small, quaint town for nearly my entire life. It was there that I witnessed my first Pokémon battle, which led me to my dream of becoming the very best. The battle was simply beautiful. It all started when a chople-red-haired boy bumped into the infamous trainer, Gold. Who was just beginning his journey as his oblivious Totodile cheerfully skipped by his side. Gold’s opponent called out his Chikorita from its Pokéball, and when it shook off the red light that illuminated the dim-lit, overcast sky, it screeched its name. The green leaf atop its head flopped around aimlessly as its new trainer commanded it to perform a razor leaf on Gold’s Totodile, who was still skipping and about to enter Route 29. Gold called for Totodile, and he turned around just before the leaves hit him. Totodile rushed back to Gold and hid behind his leg.

    “What’s the matter, kid? Is your Pokémon a wimp?” The stranger gibed.

    “No! He’s just had his first battle not long ago and he’s tired! So why don’t you leave us alone?” Gold yelled with a confident voice. With no response, the mysterious boy called for another razor leaf. Totodile jumped out from behind Gold’s leg and braced for the hit. The small, baby blue creature was pushed back about three feet when the leaves struck him. It shook its body almost immediately and charged at the Chikorita.

    “Good, now use Scratch, Totodile!” With a raspy voice, Totodile assented to the command and raised his right arm and scratched the opponent Pokemon. The Chikorita’s eyes closed and it fell over. After about ten seconds, it opened one eye and got back to its feet.

    “Damn, your Pokemon is much stronger than it looks, but mine is stronger than that. Chikorita, you know what to do.”

    “Chiko!” The previously-cheerful Pokemon turned serious and charged at Totodile with its head lowered and prepared to strike with all of its might.

    “Oh no!” Gold exclaimed. Totodile quickly hopped out of Chikorita’s way, performed a Scratch, and attacked with a Water Gun almost in one movement. Chikorita fainted.

    “Wow. This was too much for this pathetic little Pokemon. Return!” The stranger walked past Gold and Totodile and entered Cherrygrove’s Pokemon Center. Gold bent down and picked up a small card and read it carefully. The boy returned and snatched the card out of his hand and sprinted to Route 30. Gold and Totodile continued on their path back to New Bark Town, the neighbor town to Cherrygrove.

    On that day, I ran back home to ask my mother if I could get a Pokemon. My dreams were shot down when she told me that I was much too young to be battling and getting into trouble.

    My father was off in Hoenn at the time. He normally wasn’t home, he went there to help Professor Birch with his research, and he didn’t usually come back for months. I bet he would have let me get a Pokemon as soon as I asked. I might have even caught a different Pokemon. But it was my mother’s decision that drove my ambition even further.

    The day after that fateful battle, I wandered into Route 30 with a Pokeball, a Potion, and the determination to catch my first Pokemon. I told my mother that I was going to visit Mr. Arthur, a family friend who also was an avid Apricorn collector. When I passed his house, I felt the adrenaline kick in. The tall patches of grass began to surround me as I ventured further. There was another house ahead that I never noticed, it was nearly identical to Mr. Arthur’s. Suddenly, I heard a quick screech come from behind me. I turned around to see a small, purple figure that was almost to my waist in height. It had two, large teeth protruding from its upper lip and a tail that curled up to twice its height. A smile grew on its face and it closed its eyes in comfort as I began to pet it behind its short, round ear.

    “Stop right there!” A woman’s voice called. I looked up as a police officer approached the Pokemon and I. “How old are you, youngster?”

    “I’m ten.” I spoke with a shaky voice.

    “No need to be afraid, you aren’t in trouble. Is this your Rattata?” My eyes returned to the small Pokemon beside me and its brown eyes stared at me and it nodded, as if to tell me to answer the same.

    “Y-yes ma’am. This is my friend, we were out here exploring.”

    “That’s nice, now do you mind if I ask you something?”

    I nodded.

    “Have you seen a boy around here? Red hair, about five-foot three? His name is Silver.” Immediately, the flashback of the battle once again appeared in my mind. I shook my head. The green-haired woman seemed disappointed in my response. “Okay, now you run along, I don’t want you to get into any trouble.

    “Yes ma’am, come on, Rattata!”

    I walked back to Cherrygrove with the cheerful Pokemon still by my side when I realized that I wasn’t supposed to have a Pokemon. I stopped near the water on the west side of town and asked Rattata if he wanted to become my partner.

    “Rat-tata!” The Pokemon screeched again, happy to be even asked the question. I already felt connected to this Rattata, his ambition seemed to be as fiery as mine. I tapped the Pokeball on his head and he entered the ball and it chimed almost instantly. He was a captured Pokemon. He was my newest friend.

    The next day, I walked back out to Route 30 again and released Rattata from his Pokeball. We were training all day, but we were both having fun. He practiced his Bite on nearby trees, ripping nearly all of the bark off in one bite. Night was approaching and we were preparing to return home. Then Gold walked up to me and said hello.

    “Hey there, Gold! What brings you here?” I tried to speak as confidently as possible so as not to show how excited I was to be talking to him.

    “I’ve begun my journey to defeat the Pokemon League! I’m on my way to my first gym right now!”

    “That’s so cool! Do you think you’re ready for it?”

    “I don’t know, I see you have a new friend there, would you like to help me train my Pokemon? It will help you and your Rattata get your first taste of battling, and it will be a great chance to bond with him.” Gold is so wise, and he’s only just begun. I felt so honored.

    “Sounds great! But I’ll warn you, I’m also going to challenge the Pokemon League one day, and I’m going to be the best in the world!” I said as Rattata and I assumed our battle positions.

    This is the first piece of the story, this is NOT the first chapter. Just had to clarify it
    I'm going to continue this, I would like a little feedback before I continue though, I have a big plot twist planned
    Last edited by meismadatyou; 20th December 2012 at 8:55 PM.

        Spoiler:- FC:

    30 BP ( I need more..)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2004


    Please don't double post to bump your thread unless you're actually posting a new installment of the story. You can post in the Reviewing Game or do a review exchange in the appropriate threads in the Authors' Café if you really want feedback now, or you can simply post the next chapter when it's ready.

    The Final Stretch - Chapter 75: Mewtwo˛
    Chapter 76: Chalenor

    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

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