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Thread: Goodbye Human

  1. #1
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    Default Goodbye Human (A collection of PMD short stories)

    A collection of PMD short stories as to why there are some humans who were reborn as a pokemon an why some humans wanted to abandon their humanity and completely erase their humanity, as memories, body, and spirit?

    Update: Polls will be generated soon. So answer them.



    Dehumnize oneself

    It all began twenty years ago. My name is Mienshao. I’m just like your everyday pokemon living on a town with a guild like many other places; Treasure town being one of them. I’m already forty summer years old. Our celebrations of age are based on each passing season. Also, I am Gallade’s wife, as he was also my husband. We were just like your average couple living the everyday life as normal. But I’m not here for our love life. I am here to tell you about our child. My child who is smiling in his sleep next to me is having good dreams about us.

    On one night, Gallade and I were hanging out in the evening star gazing the night sky, along with the common Volbeat and Illumise. Both of us were already mates by then. Just as we slept that ordinary night, I had a vision. That vision was one thing I could never forget.




    “Huh? What is this place?” I find myself in a rainbow-ish place of sorts with peaceful playing like chinglings on top of the mountains. It does not last long as I felt a strange burst of energy all over myself. With a couple moments, I hear a feminine voice speaking deep within my head.

    “Hello there Mienshao. My name is Mew. I came here for you to send you a foreboding message.” I am agape. Mew herself … came here for me?

    “A message?” I assure her.

    “Have you ever heard of the humans?” She asks me about humans?

    “Well ... I know that they are a race that died ten thousand years ago. Never to be seen again. Their deaths are unknown.”

    “You are right. The last of their kind died years ago. But there are survivors. Just before the cause of their extinction, a few groups of humans fled our world to another place. Thus they have survived the unavoidable for those who stayed on this planet.” Just as she finishes, her voice turned … sad. “But those survivors became lost. Lost their way to the right path, slowly, they only began harming each other. Innocent children were infected by the feelings of treachery and insanity. Thus their offspring carry this corroded moral. Just yesterday, another innocent survivor died. It’s just this survivor … is different.”

    Wondering what she meant different. It could be something unique, "What makes it different?”

    “Have you ever wondered where the souls of those who died go?” Just that question gives me a response to say no. She opens her right paw to reveal something small and white glowing, “Normally, they will return to the stars. The truth is, this soul ended up in your own world. I need a couple who can carry this soul. I find you and your mate best suited for the job. But I must heed you a warning. As your husband will mate you for seven nights, both of you will be represent visions about the soul I will implement to your mate as he passes it to you. Through those visions, you will learn about the sad life of this innocent human survivor. Why he killed himself to spare his innocence? Mienshao. As you raise your infant child, I hope you realize that there are some things not meant for everybody to learn.”

    As she pressed the light into my stomach, I slowly pass out in the comfort of soft black.

    “Remember my chosen one. One thing that I ask is to raise this child to the best of you and your husband’s ability. Make sure that your child will never see himself as a human. Make your son think that throughout his life, he was a pokemon from birth, you are his mother, and your husband is hi his father. Though his soul may be that of a pokemon, he will have moments in his early life visioning about his human past. That was his human self, talking to all of you. Overcome those visions of your child by convincing him that the humans are long gone from your world. But … if your child gets curious about the humans, never tell him he was once before, for this human soul wanted to start fresh all over again, completely void of his humanity.” That was the last thing I heard from Mew before I woke up.





    Within the next day, my husband shared the same dream from Mew. Both of us were hesitant at first. But we promised to each other that we can overcome this trial from Mew and raise this upcoming child that mew gave to both of us.

    During those seven days, both of us learned the story of this survivor named Omel. He was an average human being of sorts. He looked not too young yet not too old. Though he carries no elements like us pokemon, his knowledge and emotions are quite similar to those of psychic type pokemon. But through his own kin’s mistreatment to him, he became lonely. Worse, his kin never left him and they continued their senseless provoking to him. Eventually, he lost his enduring composure and went to an outrageous anger to his kin, along with his innocence. Even if his parents did everything they could to their child, they failed to save his remaining sanity. Thus, the child ran away out of misery and accidentally kills himself in the process. Yet, even if his innocence was gone, he was still seeking his lost innocence, making wishes to have it back.

    That is, on our last night making love on the seventh night, we finally understood the moral that Mew has to give us, along with that innocent child’s reason for running away with his kind.




    Back in our time in the present, I can’t help but look back at the time when Mienfoo finally gets to see the world after living inside me. Here I am cooking breakfast for all three of us this morning while my husband and son are having training outside. And I think their personalities fit for each other.

    “Good morning mommy! Daddy taught me so many things again today.” Hugging me makes me smile.

    “What did daddy teach to you this time Mienfoo?” I ask him, though I don’t even need to ask because I know Gallade so well.

    “He taught me how to become flexible by exercising my body.” I just pet him for a moment.

    “Get in the table now. Mommy needs to set our food now.” He happily follows my husband as they continue their father and son relationship. As I finish setting up the table, all of us eat our food laying on the table.

    “How does it taste?”

    “Great meal. That’s the wife I know. Say thank you to mama Mienfoo.” Oh Gallade, you're too fatherly as well as I’m too motherly.

    “Thanks mama. I love you so much! You two are the best parents ever!” Oh Mienfoo my son. You may be Omel once in the long forgotten past. Now you are Mienfoo my son. I hope that when the time he passes away, he will never suffer from his human kin again and stay with us as a pokemon for all of his life.





    Forty winter seasons later:

    Eighty winter years old is my now. As you know me, I am Mienshao’s wife, Gallade. I believe you already know about my dear Mienfoo, my treasured son. I am coming of age now. My son is now also like his mother, a mienshao.

    As I write this book and diary for my son’s wedding anniversary, I will now reveal to him the story of the child both of us envisioned by Mew sixty years ago, with my own imaginative twists to Omel’s original story. Maybe his leafeon wife will love it too. As I write this, I remember those nights that we make love in the most intimate ways possible. My wife has forgotten about it (the dreams), but I still remember the whole story.

    The deeper Mienshao and I continued in our intimate love those years ago, the more we came to learn from the mistakes of the surviving human race so that Misao, my Mienfoo who is now a mienshao, will never have a life that Omel had.
    But I completely hold on to the promise that I will never name my son as Omel. Omel is already gone, nothing more but his reincarnation that came true for him. I believe that every word I’m writing here was the life of Omel spoken to us.




    Manuh Vitse



    I can see through the distance of the night sky my son running away from me, his sister, and his mother. I plead for him to come back and help him with his problem. Doing the best I could to catch up to him, I ride my plane and chase him down and maybe … give him some hope.

    But … I am too late. He brought a knife and stabbed his life out during his flight. It is followed by an unseen meteor going towards him. I have no choice but to avoid the meteor. Right before my eyes, the meteor took not only his ship but also my dead child. I lost my son. I am so terrible. I failed as a parent. My wife and my other child can only cry to the heavens.

    Here is the tale of my son. Omel.


    ...

    My name is Ale, I’m just like any other human being on our flying ship wearing an all-out white clothing. It goes the same to my wife Uve. We were on this flying ship, along with a small group of humans, as we are looking for a new home for the human race.

    I remember the day when my wife gave birth to Omel. We were so proud of each other. Something tells me that we were going to have a child like many others that we have on this flying ship. Hearing the laughter of my child was heartwarming. One day, we will live on our new planet with our child happy and carefree. But I was not aware just how much we human survivors were suffering from loneliness. Being away from many of our kin just breaks our heart. But there is not much we could do, they are already gone. We are the last of our kind.



    I remember the day when our child was four years old. He is now ready to make new friends. Though both of us were worried for our child’s welfare, we let fate decide the outcome and did what we could to guide our child. It wasn't until we retrieved our child crying that we come to realize that our child was being hurt by a bully in our ship. I don’t know what I should advise my child other than telling him to cope with the problem. I mean, our life here is just like ordinary human society life. Right?


    The day when my child finally goes to school was the day that my child can make a name for himself. It was the day we were waiting for. But I would NEVER imagine that my child would be scammed by his own kind. He did what he could but he didn’t do it right. Both of us did everything we could to make it a success for Omel.

    Both of us blamed him for his mistake because of his failure. I was young at the time. But I can’t help but feel like I’ve pushed my child too far to his brink. The more he stayed at his school, the more Omel became isolated to everybody else. And the more he isolated himself, the more he started to hate us as well. Why can’t he show similar personalities like his older sister?

    I did ever discipline to make him a better person, though they are seriously painful on the inside. Why was not his life BE LIKE AN ORDINARY HUMAN?! Why must he be different? Both of us cared for him, yet he refuses to become an ordinary person. Why does my child only follow his emotions and ignore everything else?

    Being a unique individual is pointless because of our society. It is a tradition I truly believe that was right. We must never outshine others by our own individuality whether it is good or not.



    It was during his teenage-hood that I have come to realize it from my own child, not only my mistakes … but the mistakes of my own race.

    As I checked at his school to know what would be his next broken rule, that one particular day when we found the planet we were seeking, would be the last time as a human to hear the voice of my child.


    “Made A! Made A! We have an escapee on the ship. Subject Omel 62593 riding Miniship 0001. Capture attempts are now initialized!” the sounds of that alarm bought me fear. It wasn’t until the radios are in Omel’s control. How was he able to do that?


    “Hello there … human beings,” Hearing a raspy and tired voice from my child stopped my tracks. From his breathing, he was tired from crying so much like he continuously sheds tears. “Aren’t you guys’ sick of your own kind? Bullying, harassment, extreme exposure to insults, and NOT BEING YOUR TRUE SELF?!” It had daunted me to hear my child so furious as if he brought judgment to all of us. I was riding my own ship in order to save my son from his own suffering.

    “What have I done wrong?” this thought kept going to my head

    “What is wrong with you humans? I have had ENOUGH of your society’s rules and regulations. You wanted us to live like beings with no purpose! Don’t you know how much you hurt me for the last sixteen years?! I am HURT GRANDLY! I’ve had enough of my life and I am willing to kill myself in the process!” my son lost his sanity from his point.

    “As I start my countdown in five … I have a way of saying goodbye from all of you. Four … come on my family, save your son and his childish innocence from humanity’s society! Three … ‘cause if you don’t, I have a prophecy to give to EVERY LAST HUMAN living within that ship. Two … within the next hour that I die here in my ship, a meteor storm will chase and MURDER all of you down!”

    “SOOOONNNN!” I did my best to shout out to him.

    “ONE! … REQUIESCAT EN PACE OMEL!” hearing that stab from his flesh in my radio felt like my chest was torn in two. I was too late. My son committed suicide. And it’s my fault for all of this.


    Fifty minutes has passed. Our time of judgment will be coming soon. As I finish writing this, the inevitable will come to all of us human beings. Ten minutes ago, all of us received a report that we were trapped in an upcoming meteor storm that is impossible to escape. Those last words from Omel only struck me with eternal fear and shame.

    While we human survivors are going to burn down in hell, only Omel will go to heaven. I think all of us humans deserved it. No wonder our society was lost from beginning to end. We are forever lost by the dark history of our kind.

    If there will be any survivors … like there should be remaining, I hope they all start as innocent beings again. Maybe they won’t repeat the mistakes and curiosity of our true original ancestors.





    As I placed my pen down, I wrapped my gift book for my soon to enjoy. But as I hear the knock, I forget wrapping up the gift and open the door. It was Misao.

    “Oh … dad. Uh… hehehehe. I’m sorry to disturb you. Mom wants you to join with us on our dinner. I’ll show you my wife and child too if you want.” I smiled at him and grab his hand as I pass the book to him.

    “Happy New Year my son. This is a gift for you. The best story I can create.” My son … oh how you cry like your mother does.

    The hug is always a welcome to me, “Thanks papa, for giving birth to me. Life is so wonderful. I hope it stays this way forever.” I know it will. Omel.

    “It will be my son. Isn’t life as a pokemon wonderful?” I ask

    “Yes it is.” that’s the answer I want.
    Last edited by jireh the provider; 6th January 2013 at 1:03 PM.
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

  2. #2
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    Wasn't really sure what to make of this. The Gardevoir (right?) and Gallade may have understood Mew's moral, but I wasn't really sure what the moral was (Don't mistreat your kids...?) If the Mew wanted this reincarnated pokemon (a Ralts, I'm guessing?) to live like it was a pokemon - wouldn't it have been better to just not appear in their visions at all? Would be interested in hearing some clarification about that.

    That being said...

    As your husband will mate you for seven nights
    Best phrase ever
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  3. #3
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    Okay, good effort. I loved the concept, and the length was great.

    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    A one shot PMD story as to why there are some humans who were reborn as a pokemon an why some humans wanted to abandon their humanity and completely erase their humanity, as memories, body, and spirit




    It all began 20 years ago. My name is Mienshao. I’m just like your everyday pokemon living on a town with a guild like many other places; Treasure town being one of them. I’m already 40 summer years old. Our celebrations of age are based on each passing season. Also, I am Gallade’s wife, as he was also my husband. We were just like your average couple living the everyday life as normal. But I’m not here for our love life. I am here to tell you about our child. My child who is smiling in his sleep next to me is having good reams about us.

    On one night, Gallade and I were hanging out in the evening star gazing the night sky, along with the common Volbeat and Illumise. Both of us were already mates by then. Just as we slept that ordinary night, I had a vision. That vision was one thing I could never forget.




    “Huh? What is this place?” I find myself in a rainbow-ish place of sorts with peaceful playing like chinglings on top of the mountains. It does not last long as I felt a strange burst of energy all over myself. With a couple moments, I hear a voice deep speaking within my head.

    “Hello there Mienshao. My name is Mew. I came here for you to send you a foreboding message.” I am agape. Mew herself … came here for me?

    “A message?” I assure her.

    “Have you ever heard of the humans?” she asks me about humans?

    “Well ... I know that they are a race that died ten thousand years ago. Never to be seen again. Their deaths are unknown.”

    “You are right. The last of their kind died years ago. But there are survivors. Just before the cause of their extinction, a few groups of humans fled our world to another place. Thus they have survived the unavoidable for those who stayed on this planet.” Just as she finishes, her voice turned … sad. “But those survivors became lost. Lost their way to the right path, slowly, they only began harming each other. Innocent children were infected by the feelings of treachery and insanity. Thus their offspring carry this corroded moral. Just yesterday, another innocent survivor died. It’s just this survivor … is different.”

    Wondering what she meant different. It could be something unique, "What makes it different?”

    “Have you ever wondered where the souls of those who died go?” just that question gives me a response to say no. She opens her right paw to reveal something small and white glowing, “Normally, they will return to the stars. The truth is, this soul ended up in your own world. I need a couple who can carry this soul. I find you and your mate best suited for the job. But I must heed you a warning. As your husband will mate you for seven nights, both of you will be represent visions about the soul I will implement to your mate as he passes it to you. Through those visions, you will learn about the sad life of this innocent human survivor. Why he killed himself to spare his innocence? Mienshao. As you raise your infant child, I hope you realize that there are some things not meant for everybody to learn.”

    As she pressed the light into my stomach, I slowly pass out in the comfort of soft black.

    “Remember my chosen one. One thing that I ask is to raise this child to the best of you and your husband’s ability. Make sure that your child will never see himself as a human. Make your son think that throughout his life, he was a pokemon from birth, you are his mother, and your husband is hi his father. Though his soul may be that of a pokemon, he will have moments in his early life visioning about his human past. That was his human self, talking to all of you. Overcome those visions of your child by convincing him that the humans are long gone from your world. But … if your child gets curious about the humans, never tell him he was once before, for this human soul wanted to start fresh all over again, completely void of his humanity.” That was the last thing I heard from Mew before I woke up.





    Within the next day, my husband shared the same dream from Mew. Both of us were hesitant at first. But we promised to each other that we can overcome this trial from Mew and raise this upcoming child that mew gave to both of us.

    During those seven days, both of us learned the story of this survivor named Omel. He was an average human being of sorts. He looked not too young yet not too old. Though he carries no elements like us pokemon, his knowledge and emotions are quite similar to those of psychic type pokemon. But through his own kin’s mistreatment to him, he became lonely. Worse, his kin never left him and they continued their senseless provoking to him. Eventually, he lost his enduring composure and went to an outrageous anger to his kin, along with his innocence. Even if his parents did everything they could to their child, they failed to save his remaining sanity. Thus, the child ran away out of misery and accidentally kills himself in the process. Yet, even if his innocence was gone, he was still seeking his lost innocence, making wishes to have it back.
    That is, on our last night making love on the seventh night, we finally understood the moral that Mew has to give us, along with that innocent child’s reason for running away with his kind.




    Back in our time in the present, I can’t help but look back at the time when Mienfoo finally gets to see the world after living inside me. Here I am cooking breakfast for all three of us this morning while my husband and son are having training outside. And I think their personalities fit for each other.

    “Good morning mommy! Daddy taught me so many things again today.” Hugging me makes me smile.

    “What did daddy teach to you this time, Mienfoo?” I ask him. Hough I don’t even need to ask because I know Gallade so well.

    “He taught me how to become flexible by exercising my body.” I just pet him for a moment.

    “Get in the table now. Mommy needs to set our food now.” He happily follows my husband as they continue their father and son relationship. As I finish setting up the table, all of us eat our food laying on the table.

    “How does it taste?”

    “Great mean. That’s the wife I know. Say thank you to mama Mienfoo.” Oh Gallade, youre oo fatherly as well as I’m too motherly.

    “Thanks mama. I love you so much! You two are the best parents ever!” Oh Mienfoo my son. You may be Omel once in the long forgotten past. Now you are Mienfoo my son. I hope that when the time he passes away, he will never suffer from his human kin again and stay with us as a pokemon for all of his life.
    Bolded are Spelling Errors and Capitalization errors, italics are sentences that are... strange. And I realized that Mienfoo was the Human. Wow, missed that at first. Pretty good! Overall, a good fix, a bit of plot development is needed, and very few mistakes.
    Rating: 7/10

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by IceKing View Post
    Wasn't really sure what to make of this. The Gardevoir (right?) and Gallade may have understood Mew's moral, but I wasn't really sure what the moral was (Don't mistreat your kids...?) If the Mew wanted this reincarnated pokemon (a Ralts, I'm guessing?) to live like it was a pokemon - wouldn't it have been better to just not appear in their visions at all? Would be interested in hearing some clarification about that.

    That being said...



    Best phrase ever
    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Okay, good effort. I loved the concept, and the length was great.



    Bolded are Spelling Errors and Capitalization errors, italics are sentences that are... strange. And I realized that Mienfoo was the Human. Wow, missed that at first. Pretty good! Overall, a good fix, a bit of plot development is needed, and very few mistakes.
    Rating: 7/10
    thanks for the reviews, I mean, it is a one shot story. You see, the moral here represents on what drives some innocent people to a dreadful spiritual suffering. The part where the human ran away represents the human soul running away from his humanity as far as it could, some parts of it represents my personal life. I did the grammar correction too.

    For the iceking, read the pokemon again, you got the son and mother wrong
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

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    Ahhhh, I didn't realize Mienfoo and Mienshao were new pokemon (I haven't played Black and White). So I was confused by that - got it now.
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

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    Interesting take on the human aspect of MD. The MD universe has a rich array of elements that make for really good stories, and you made a pretty good effort in expanding on one of them.

    But I wish you expanded it even further. You say at the start that there are several reasons why humans turn into Pokemon, but we are only presented with one. It feels sort-of lacking since you are trying to put your take on that aspect. In a sense we get a human who wants to start a completely new life, but what of the others?

    Of course, I am asking for something that may not be what the story is trying to say, but that may be so because at the moment, there isn't much in the story to work with. The pseudo-religious aspect (the whole visions and immaculate conception and "the chosen one" image) doesn't really help, since aside from coming off somewhat preachy in the end (which put me off a bit), it's presented a bit too straightforward that it doesn't offer much for the development of the plot. It would've been interesting to see what exactly happened to Omel outside of the lone paragraph you dedicate to his backstory, since I feel that that is where the meat of the story would come from.

    As is, it just sounds like a parable of sorts, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it makes the whole story come off as one-dimensional. I suggest starting with expanding the plot first, seeing as that is where I think this story has a lot of potential with.

    Good job, though.


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



    images were taken from three specific pages of Serebii.net

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    Interesting take on the human aspect of MD. The MD universe has a rich array of elements that make for really good stories, and you made a pretty good effort in expanding on one of them.

    But I wish you expanded it even further. You say at the start that there are several reasons why humans turn into Pokemon, but we are only presented with one. It feels sort-of lacking since you are trying to put your take on that aspect. In a sense we get a human who wants to start a completely new life, but what of the others?

    Of course, I am asking for something that may not be what the story is trying to say, but that may be so because at the moment, there isn't much in the story to work with. The pseudo-religious aspect (the whole visions and immaculate conception and "the chosen one" image) doesn't really help, since aside from coming off somewhat preachy in the end (which put me off a bit), it's presented a bit too straightforward that it doesn't offer much for the development of the plot. It would've been interesting to see what exactly happened to Omel outside of the lone paragraph you dedicate to his backstory, since I feel that that is where the meat of the story would come from.

    As is, it just sounds like a parable of sorts, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it makes the whole story come off as one-dimensional. I suggest starting with expanding the plot first, seeing as that is where I think this story has a lot of potential with.

    Good job, though.
    Hmmm ... now that I think about it, I never expected this MUCH Reviews. Let alone my one shot story. Perhaps you got it right. I THINK I just may turn this to one of my original stories. Looks like you convinced me to work on a PMD sort story book like Ysvarrel is her name? I think I can take that challenge. Gladly school is over and Christmas vacation is now open.
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

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    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Eighty winter years old is my now. As you know me, I am Mienshao’s wife. I believe you already know about my dear Mienfoo, my treasured son. I am coming of age now. My son is now also like his mother, a mienshao. As I write this book and diary for my son’s wedding anniversary, I will now reveal to him the story of the child both of us envisioned by Mew sixty years ago. Maybe his leafeon wife will love it too. As I write this, I remember those nights that we make love in the most intimate ways possible. My wife has forgotten about it, but I still remember the whole story. But I completely hold on to the promise that I will never name my son as Omel. Omel is already gone, nothing more but his reincarnation that came true for him. I believe that every word I’m writing here was the life of Omel spoken to us. The deeper mienshao and I continued in our intimate love those years ago, the more we came to learn from the mistakes of the surviving human race so that Misao, my Mienfoo who is now a mienshao, will never have a life that Omel had.
    I got so confused with this because of a few typos, because by the end of the paragraph I have no idea who is talking. You start by saying "I am Mienshao's wife", and then it suddenly mentions "my wife has forgotten about it," and then at the last paragraph Misao says "Thanks papa." Which one is it? Also, there are some clunky sentences here like that last one.

    I also don't get how Omel achieved a sort-of omniscience with his own life given that he's narrating thoughts from when he was much younger. I think there should be a sort-of distance between Omel the narrator and Omel the character in the "Night" sections, especially since you're using first-person POV. I think the age-old advice "show, don't tell" would really help you out here, since right now it feels like you're just giving us one event after another instead of narrating the events and letting us feel Omel's pain and despair.

    You should also work on developing the story, since right now all we get are images that point to the same theme of defeat and alienation. Maybe that's what we're supposed to get if there are still other parts coming up that will fill in the gaps, but as is the picture I'm painting of Omel still isn't clear.


    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    As for the moral, Omel wanted you to know it for yourself.
    This also completely threw me off. Why is there a sudden insertion of "you"? This also brings me to proofreading - I suggest reviewing the entire piece again as I found a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. The quote I quoted above might just be a result of an extra or misplaced word, so make sure to check if all of your sentences are logically and grammatically correct.

    But a good effort, and I think this piece is better than the last one, so good job.


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



    images were taken from three specific pages of Serebii.net

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    I got so confused with this because of a few typos, because by the end of the paragraph I have no idea who is talking. You start by saying "I am Mienshao's wife", and then it suddenly mentions "my wife has forgotten about it," and then at the last paragraph Misao says "Thanks papa." Which one is it? Also, there are some clunky sentences here like that last one.

    I also don't get how Omel achieved a sort-of omniscience with his own life given that he's narrating thoughts from when he was much younger. I think there should be a sort-of distance between Omel the narrator and Omel the character in the "Night" sections, especially since you're using first-person POV. I think the age-old advice "show, don't tell" would really help you out here, since right now it feels like you're just giving us one event after another instead of narrating the events and letting us feel Omel's pain and despair.

    You should also work on developing the story, since right now all we get are images that point to the same theme of defeat and alienation. Maybe that's what we're supposed to get if there are still other parts coming up that will fill in the gaps, but as is the picture I'm painting of Omel still isn't clear.



    This also completely threw me off. Why is there a sudden insertion of "you"? This also brings me to proofreading - I suggest reviewing the entire piece again as I found a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. The quote I quoted above might just be a result of an extra or misplaced word, so make sure to check if all of your sentences are logically and grammatically correct.

    But a good effort, and I think this piece is better than the last one, so good job.
    This story is NOT a novel but more of a collection of short stories to be honest.

    Now that I think about it, would molding my 2 chapters make it more convenient to read? I may as well leave it as sentences for a bit. Maybe it can help, just clumped the sentences too much. Don't want it to be too choppy to read you know that.

    I think you are COMPLETELY forgetting Gallade huh? He is Mienshao's wife and Misao's son (the human becoming a mienfoo), his Point of view in easy terms for THIS chapter. Mienshao was the focus on part 1 (unless you want me smacking a POV somewhere in the middle of my story, no way I'm smacking Character POV [lesson learned from another author you see]). As for the nights scenes, these are not exactly everything that Omel said.

    But rather, these are the words that Gallade dreamt in each of the nights, his interpretations to the visions he got in each of the seven nights. His understanding on what those dreams told him in his own words. Think of it as a "makes sense" yet not perfectly "solid truth" understanding.

    For the last part though, it was Gallade talking to us, the readers.

    Hmmm ... the nights sections does kinda look too gimmicky. Its a new writing experimentation of course. I guess it ended up on two unexpected Omels that I made. Omel the narrator and Omel the character. Though I am kind of thinking about revising the nights sections to make it more like Omel talking to us readers since I wanted my characters. If I recall last time, when I made the night sections, I believed I placed myself as Gallade at that time. But then again, I WILL MOST LIKELY go to Young Gallade's First Person POV in the "Nights" section that I will merge into one scenario
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

  10. #10
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    Default Human Warriors

    Authors note: I hope you guys enjoyed my first modified chapter. I had fun with Misao and Omel. Now it is time for another story. This time, a group of humans that became pokemon.




    Colony Ruins. A newly discovered mystery dungeon ready for new discoveries. Now that we are done with Omel and Misao’s story, let us go with a new set of friends.

    Near the entrance are four pokemon having a momentary chat with each other. Vespiquen, Tyranitar, Aggron, and Manetric. These pokemon are known to be leaders of different tribes from different dungeons.

    Manetric, tribe leader of many Electrikes, came to join his colleagues if he did not want to interfere with Luxray’s tribe in Amp Plains at their current season. Vespiquen, queen of many bug types of Treeshroud Forest, especially Combees, also joined her big pals when news came about a newly discovered dungeon not yet found by the legendary heroes. Aggron, the pact leader of his family tree at Boulder Quarry, after his shameful defeat from three charming ladies back then, decided that he may as well join along his best friends back then. Finally the finder of the newly discovered dungeon, Tyranitar, the gentle big boss of the Quicksand Pits and Northern Dessert, wanted at least an exploration vacation to give himself a break from his leader duties for a moment.

    “Looks like an interesting place you got there big guy.” Being the female of the group does have it perks.

    “It may be filled with iron the way I see it. But it looks like it has very little healthy mineral if I were to live here.”

    “What now Aggron. Moving out to another dungeon again?” Even the gentle tyrant has ways of being humorous.

    “Like the last time you told me that you are moving away from Boulder Quarry. I find it funny you only lured me to a dungeon near treasure town. No way am I easily forgiving those twerps.” Manetric recalling an old time prank back then.

    “Or were you so ashamed that those three ladies whopped your face that you let us one by one experience your humiliation?” Vespiquen giggles at her own way of teasing the steel T-rex.

    “Be quiet about it! Buzz off your shock treatment to me.” Aggron knew that all four of them remained the same. The only thing Tyranitar could do is laugh with their continuous teasing.

    “Ok buddies. Why don’t we actually do some discovering this time.” The rocky T-rex carries his own bag ready. Since he is the team’s leader, everybody else follow forth.

    “Why did you even ask us to bring our own exploration team bags with supplies then Tyranitar? When we could just share with one Exploration bag?” the electric wolf adjusts his bag with his mane. Though it’s never easy, the adventures have much better worth. As they arrive at the ruin’s entrance, Tyranitar points up on Unown carvings.

    “The first time I find the entrance to this place there are Unown runes that gave me a warning to bring a strong party with one exploration bag for each. The ruins themselves have an army waiting in every room floor with pokemon that are never found in our place.”

    “You’re saying that it’s a monster house infested dungeon? If it is a challenge, I’m up for it.” The big silver giant smacks his two iron fists with an inch for battle?

    “An army battle with only four of us huh? I’m for it!” being the queen she was, she can be picky and aggressive to her companions back then. When Vespiquen gets feisty, expect pain to come.

    “I got nothing much to do anyway. I may as well join you pals. Just don’t get too cocky.” Manetric did a bit of charging to amplify his power.

    “Let us meet the pokemon of Colony Ruins.” With Tyranitar’s lead, their friendly field trip begins




    On the sixeenth floor, the area is filled with small rooms with three to four grass band bug type pokemon. They find it pretty easy to breeze. It is until they come across a pathway to a large forest room with stairs going downwards.

    “Strange. Everything just got quiet.” As Vespiquen finished her sentence, everyone entered the room. Vespiquen’s at the front, Manetric and Tyranitar at the sides, and Aggron at their back. A strong wind began dancing on the tree-filled edges of their current location. “What’s going on here? I find it rather uncomfortable right now! This wind’s getting stronger than a gust.”

    “This is not good. Tyranitar, you’re with me. Let’s split the wind!” with Tyranitar’s strength, Manetric as the team’s strategist, unleashed his thunderbolt attack all around them with Tyranitar using his Stone Edge by stomping the ground and stones surrounding them fly sharp height directly at the wind. When the wind began to dissipate, big wooded sticks connecting to metal branches began to fly on to the bug pokemon.

    “Watch out!” As the team’s bodyguard, Aggron used his Switcher Orb on Vespiquen as he takes the hits with his Metal Burst destroying the wooden mechanical planks in the process.

    Being the keen eyes of the team, he notifies his companions of the threat oncoming, “I hope you guys are ready for this pokemon army. There are about sixty or more of them ready to take all of us on.”

    “You’ve got to be serious Tyranitar. Heck yeah man, this is a real challenge.” Aggron is often the ‘rock head’ of the team.”

    “Vespiquen and I’ll handle the ones attacking from afar. Aggron, you and Tyranitar guard us up close.” The strategist charges up a Charge Beam at their enemy as Vespiquen swarmed the Whimsicotts with her Attack Order.

    “We’re up for it. Let’s rock the heck out his place!” As tyranitar said that, they immediately counter the enemy’s ambush attacks. Aggron Dragon claws his enemies as Tyranitar retaliates with Dark Pulse.

    Thus, all four of them faced a very tough battle with the sun going in the battlefield. Groups of Ledian families with signal beams, Leavanny families with Leaf blades and Razor Leaves, Scyther’s with Aerial Aces, Scolipede families with Streamroller, and Whimsicotts with long charge Hurricanes are numerous.

    After the long fight is over, they took a quick break near the stairs as they are discussing the expectations of the next floors.

    “This dungeon … is certainly about numbers and traps. What do you think will we encounter next?” the big green rocky pokemon asks to his best friends.

    “This place is no joke. Every pokemon here is prepared in some way or another. If the next floors are a different layout, we may have to change our roles.” Manetric knew that his friends often tell him that he’s like the kind of pokemon who got smarter through instincts and yellow gummis.

    “Like if our next challenge involves enemies depending on tile traps, Aggron and Tyranitar will lead us. Right?” Vespiquen is just roosting after enduring quite a couple blows from flying type attacks that landed on her.

    “Right geniuses. Just tell me when I can just brawl all out at them.” He already expects Manetric to call him dumb for being reckless most of the time. That’s the way Aggron roles it.




    On the seventeenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth floor, the designs of the large rooms did change. From icy terrains, to volcanic flows, and also electric storm rooms, they work their way cooperatively (though Aggron made a few reckless attempts that caused them trouble) and they manage to enter the final floor exhausted yet triumphant.

    Standing in the center of the room is a pokemon standing in a slightly proper way. Wrapped with purple metal with one cannon on its shoulder, he looks like a similar pokemon if you remove the cannon that is carrying or sticking on its shoulder. Next to it is a pokemon standing tall despite being a snake. It has a cream white tone along with a dark-silver mixed to it with a green leaf wrapped on its left eye.

    “I saw the entire battle that your team has fought. Technologically made orbs did get the job done. It seems that all four of you overcame the trials set for you. To the looks on your face, I think you guys are merely explorers new to this place. Since you are the first visitors that I have, I may introduce our selves to you. I am Serperior, along with me is Genesect.” The tall snake did give Aggron an urge to stay put. Its glare just kept most of them silent. “Your group reminds me of a long lost history imprinted on these metallic walls.”

    “To what do you compare us Serperior? We have never seen your kind. Some of the pokemon we faced are not common.” Tyranitar ask the silver snake.

    “They are much tougher compared to what we fought before.” Aggron compliments at his experience.

    “I can agree with you.” Vespiquen takes a moment to rest.

    “The battles may be one thing. But I’m more curious to the symbols all over the walls. Are you saying that we are like those things on the walls of this floor?” Manetric is often the one who can stand the longest since he approaches the walls with curiosity.

    “Thanks for knowing things. I have knowledge as to what species you guys are. So I’m no stranger to your habitats. Why don’t we get to tell them a story Genesect? You know it better than I do.” Serperior crawls back a bit as he waved a tail for Manetric to stand back. Looking back at the crew, “I do have to tell you he speaks robotic according to him.”

    “What you see on these walls are ancient human writings. This tells a particular tale of four human beings battling against one another from four different countries way back in the 1940’s of their time. A warrior of Filinas named Aisaha. A samurai of Janse named Seiko. A Templar of Spaish named Cacion. And of course, a tactician of Ameic named Vidual. They are the iconic leaders of each nation. At their time, all four of them are at war with each other. Lots of blood were shed from one another as many humans killed themselves with purposeless lives and goals. As a result of their endeavors, they only lost their lives to one another. Due to their deaths, humanity declined and suffered massive losses. To prevent the extinction of their kind, the survivors built a peaceful unity between their separated nations and avoid wars at all costs. Some said that if they were reborn in another world with new powers and a new being, they will live in prosperity instead of continuing the vicious cycle that they made in their previous life. ”

    With Genesect finishing his speech, he sits on the wall and shut down his systems.

    “I hope you get the gist of it. Now that you succeeded on overcoming the trials, I have a gift for each and every one of you.” With content smug, he places an exploration box kit next to Tyranitar. The moment they opened the box, all the snake could do is smile.

    “Elemental globes? Sweet baby yeah! This is badass awesome!” Aggron is holding his two orbs that represent his duo types high in the sky while he boasts out his awesomeness.

    “Not bad I have to say. I like my Volt Globe.” Even if he expected a super rare treasure like a golden mask, he is fine with what he got.

    “Don’t get too grumpy Manetric. With my new Dusk Globe, Machamps are nothing for me now.” The two proceed to the big scary guy’s humor and laughter.

    “Two globes for me? Love my new dungeon earrings!” the bee just wears her Defend Globe and Sky Globe straight at her head.




    Ones the group has left, Serperior looks at the night sky one more time. “Perhaps those pokemon I met are the four warriors of the human legend themselves. Reborn as a pokemon with no memories of the war. They should have been dead. I guess Arceus has a way of bringing heroes to our world and give them the peace they always wanted.”
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

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