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Thread: Need A Little Help With My Story

  1. #1
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    Default Need A Little Help With My Story

    So I've been working on this project of mine, where I'll play on the PWT in my game, and then reanimate it in writing afterwards. It's just a fun little project that I want to work on, in hopes that simply writing such mundane things in a way that is exciting to the reader will help me in the long run.

    That said, I've got the first part pretty much ironed out, and I want to make sure that I'm not being overly or under descriptive. I don't have a beta, nor do I know anyone that would be willing, so I thought I'd put it here and see what everyone else thought.

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        Spoiler:- Story:
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    And there you go! Thoughts? I'd really appreciate any criticism you'd be willing to give. I hope I posted this in the right place.

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  2. #2
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    You should have posted this in the "Fan Fiction" thread if you're done with this. ^w^

    Overall, I'd say that you need to fix up a few sentences. Some are said pretty odd when you get to read it.

    Driftveil City stood tall and a proud in the light of dawn.
    Like this.

    “No matter how many times we pass by here, I still amazed at how much Driftveil has changed. Aren’t you, Vanellope?” the black-haired trainer asked the small, round Pokemon sitting on his shoulder.
    Another grammar error.

    The dragon raised its thin, arm-like appendages, with razor sharp fins jutting outwards, and brought it down hard on the small brown head of its opponent, a large boulder-like Pokemon with similarly brown arms and legs. Its trainer, the man, yelled out an order, hands folded behind his messy brown hair, desperate to get his Pokemon moving
    This has too many commas itself and it's wordy. Try to merge them and rewrite the sentences.

    Vanellope chirped her challenges, drawing Justin’s attention back to his baby Pokemon. Laughing, Justin said, “Vanellope, you’re a baby. You’ll be on the sidelines, with me, watching everyone battle, like a cheerleader! I don’t want you getting hurt.” He picked the little balloon Pokemon off his shoulder, who had started protesting, and smiled at her. “You’ll get your chance one day, I promise. But right now, you’re too little for these kinds of things. Think about it; how would you feel facing off against that Golem, hm?”
    Space out the dialogue so it can be easier to read. And in this, there's a lot of commas again. In addition to that, your descriptions are too formal and long. Like this,

    The woman wore a sleek, black overcoat, snug in all the right places, and black slacks, commanded a blue and red dragon with the head of a shark. Her bright blond hair and light skin shone bright on the stage, despite the light only shining upon the active Pokemon. The crowd roared, lights flashing as cameras snapped pictures of the ensuing battle. The dragon raised its thin, arm-like appendages, with razor sharp fins jutting outwards, and brought it down hard on the small brown head of its opponent, a large boulder-like Pokemon with similarly brown arms and legs. Its trainer, the man, yelled out an order, hands folded behind his messy brown hair, desperate to get his Pokemon moving. His orange sweater seemed to darken with along with his spirits.
    The first one I bolded is very weird. And why make the other sentence of the sun? Next. you need to remove those commas and you should cut down a lot of those descriptions and write them properly. And does the narrator know that this is a Garchomp? It said that in the story.
    Last edited by Quilava42; 27th December 2012 at 4:42 PM.


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  3. #3
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    To me personally, I see no problem with it. Good job.
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  4. #4
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    I like the idea, very interesting and original to do so.
    Nothing interesting here. Carry on.
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