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Thread: The Gracidea Bridge (One-Shot) (PG)

  1. #1
    Join Date
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    Default The Gracidea Bridge (One-Shot) (PG)

    This is my try for a one-shot- constructive criticism, please!


    The Gracidea Bridge
    //////////////////////////////////////////

    The green grass fluttered as the winds blew through the plains. The land was shining emerald green with the sunbeams shining down on the ground. Reddish-pink flowers sprouted up in many places throughout the plains. In the centre of the valley, a bridge stood.
    ------------------------------------------

    The Pokčmon were exhausted, panting after the battle, the land around them blasted into pieces.
    'Good battle,' said the trainer, a blonde bugtrainer. 'But, although your Venusaur may be a real powerhouse, it can't beat my Beautifly in a contest of grace.'
    'And that matters why, John?' Asked the young man named Garth, wiping his hair away from his sea-green eyes. 'But one thing that always bothers me is that I end up sweating after these battles, even though I let my Pokčmon do all the real work...'
    'Yeah, that's weird... But I guess they couldn't do it without us...'
    'Oh, really? So, they don't battle in the wild anymore?'
    'Yeah, I guess...'
    'Not the way you put it.'
    The two boys chuckled, then went their separate ways.

    'Now that he's out of the way, let us keep going.' said Garth to his Lucario.
    'Yes, but please, master, remember your Pokčmon's condition.'
    'The Gratitude Pokčmon is who I will remember! Only that one!'
    'And that will bring what? A broken team when you finally encounter Shaymin?'
    'If it must be so, then yes! I will do anything to get him!'
    'Very well, master...'

    /////////////////////////////////////////
    Ten years ago...
    /////////////////////////////////////////
    'Shut up, boy! You have no idea what I have done for this moment! Get away! You will not ruin this moment!'

    Garth's father pushed him away from the ruins, examining them.

    'But Dad! You promised! This is the regional championship for the Pokčmon Contests!'

    'This is the clue I have always been looking for! This is the way to find him! To find Shaymin!'

    'But...'

    'No! Get away!'

    As Garth's father pushed him away, he accidentally dropped a flower, a Gracidea that he had been given by his dead wife years ago, against the ruins.

    Suddenly, the ruins glowed, and a purple ball of energy came out and smashed the twosome into the cave wall opposite. As the energy subsided, Garth's father was left limp, lying against the wall. On the other side of the cave, the ruins had become a translucent circle, with a strange Pokčmon with tentacles inside, in the distance.

    This is... The flower? My enemy shall perish... I have awakened, and am free... I am coming for you...

    'Dad! What's going on!' screamed Garth. When he got no response, he desperately bellowed, 'Dad! Dad! Please wake up! Please!' over and over until his voice broke. The cave was starting to crumble, and tears were streaming down Garth's face. 'Dad!' He yelled loud enough to pierce anyone's ears thrice over. He hugged his dad as hard as he could clutching him for dear life.

    In a flash of purple light, Garth found himself standing outside with his dad's Riolu. He later decided he must have bumped his Pokeball on his dad's belt.

    Garth stared at the cave helplessly, a torrent of tears freely flowing, as he watched the cave collapse on itself- and his father.

    /////////////////////////////////////////
    Present Day
    /////////////////////////////////////////

    He looked down in his hands. He had his father's old, crumpled Gracidea in his hand, and a tear rolled down his cheek as he recalled his past.

    'I promise you, father, I will find Shaymin, find him for you.'

    He smiled sadly as he looked down at his Lucario's Pokeball.

    'Thank you, Lucario, for your help that day.' he whispered quietly to himself.

    /////////////////////////////////////////
    The End
    /////////////////////////////////////////

    So, what did you think! This is the first time that I have posted any of my writing online. Please tell me where I can improve!
    - Shymain

  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Default

    Hey, if you want constructive criticism, here are a few tips I have. Take it all with a grain of salt.

    1) Vary details beyond color

    I'm not a believer that you have to describe everything - but I think if you are going to use sparing details, you want to vary it up. In the beginning, the primary details I was seeing here was color, and a lot about green "Green grass" "Emerald green land" "sea-green eyes" - > which you might be going for. So I'd suggest introducing other details to mix it up - like about size, tone and other tidbits that show what your trying to portray (e.g., you could describe Garth's shirt as damp before that line about his sweatiness)

    2) Read back dialogue you use to see if it sounds right

    'Shut up, boy! You have no idea what I have done for this moment! Get away! You will not ruin this moment!'
    Reading that out loud, it'd seem more nature for him to say "what I've done" versus what I have done - and it seems like it's one clause too many, when all of these clauses are making the same point.

    He had his father's old, crumpled Gracidea in his hand
    Flower survived that long? Maybe Gracideas are like that


    ---

    If this is a one-shot, I'm not sure what the cosmic point I should be taking away from it is. Part of it could be that I'm not really that familiar with the fourth generation (I played Diamond like once).
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    Arizona
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    Saw your post in the Review Exchange thread. You'll find a link to my fic in my signature. The banner will redirect you. Now let's get started.

    The green grass fluttered as the winds blew through the plains
    I don't know why, but this just kind of bugged me. It might have to do with the plurals. There's nothing wrong with it per say, but it seems...off.

    The land was shining emerald green with the sunbeams shining down on the ground.
    Again, nothing wrong, but it seems weird to me. When I think of beams, I usually imagine giant, metal bars. That or the word is used as a verb.

    The Pokčmon were exhausted, panting after the battle, the land around them blasted into pieces.
    This could easily be another sentence.

    'Good battle,' said the trainer, a blonde bugtrainer. 'But, although your Venusaur may be a real powerhouse, it can't beat my Beautifly in a contest of grace.'
    There are a few things wrong with this section.

    1. You're using apostrophes when they should be quotation marks.
    2. said the trainer, a blonde bugtrainer, should actually be rewritten. Using the word the implies only one trainer is present, but that's not the case since there was a battle. You could just take out trainer and leave it, said the blonde bug trainer.
    3. But and although do not agree. You'll have to take one out and rewrite the sentence.

    Asked the young man named Garth, wiping his hair away from his sea-green eyes.
    Lowercase asked.

    'Now that he's out of the way, let us keep going.' said Garth to his Lucario.
    Comma before the (what is supposed to be) end quotation. Where did this Lucario come from???

    Okay, I'm going to be blunt about this; I thought this oneshot was bad. Description was nowhere to be found. The only description you gave was the color of certain things. I have no idea what this kid looks like or where he even is. The inclusion of John was absolutely pointless as he did nothing more than say one line. I have no idea what I was to be taking from this or what story you are trying to tell. Is this a prelude to a chaptered fic? It was also very short. So short that I read it in under five minutes. Things need to be fleshed out, shown and not told. What does Garth look like? What about John? His dad? Where are John and Garth battling? Why did they battle? Where is this Venasaur and Beautifly they speak of? Spacing was also an issue. You have to remember to hit enter twice when starting a new line. That way it doesn't strain the eyes when reading. Like IceKing said, a lot of the errors could be fixed by simply reading it out loud. Take the time to read it over and fix anything that seems off. Well I don't know if you'll be posting another oneshot or try your hand at a chaptered fic. Either way, take your time and develop everything first. Then post. I know it's exciting to post your first work and get feedback, but wouldn't you rather have a fic be remembered for being good as opposed to rushed? Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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