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Thread: Gallowwolf

  1. #1
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    Alright, to start things off, this is my first attempt at making an original story, or any kind of story that goes onto the internet.

    WARNING!: Some content of this story may be considered disturbing by some, make sure your parents are out of the room while you read it! As of now, the rating is PG-15 for violence, language (some of which has been censored), and some use of alcohol.

    All of the characters in this story are mine, along with certain settings. Do not use them unless I have allowed you, or else I'll have a reason to hire that a sadistic lawyer I have on speed dial for once.

    I'm all up for constructive criticism, tips, and all the other what have yous.

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        Spoiler:- Chapter List:


    Gallowwolf
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Prologue
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kip Blackburn
    Near Eagle Lake, ME, United States
    September 13th, 23:46



    The campfire crackled as Karl continued his tall tale. Telling scary stories was a camp tradition; it was impossible to go without hearing one fantasy of horror. Terrance was making smores, and Gerald was halfway in his sleeping bag. The fire was soothing, as the air had a icy bite to it, and the night's absence of light rivaled that of a black hole.

    The autumn air carried a nip through its clutches, and it hit Kip like an eighteen-wheeler. The scout shivered, as the camping trip for the troop was never meant to be this cold. He pulled up his balaclava to keep his face warm. The forest lacked warmth in any form, shape or fashion. It was filled with deciduous trees still bearing some of their leaves, and the evergreens remained as they always do. The Boy Scouts went out on their camping excursion that included everyone in the troop.

    Kip and his friends set up on a hill that was just above the rest of the troop. They had one tent and a fire with stools set up around it; and above the fire hung a used cooking spit that smelled of rabbit. Hunting, fishing, whittling, cooking, and all of the other activities of the busy day easily tired the four Boy Scouts. After such a long day, the whole troop decided to stay for the night.

    “Want one?” Terrance asked, handing Kip a perfectly done smore.

    “What the heck would make me say no,” he responded, carefully grabbing the staple campfire confection.

    As he bit down, penetrating the graham cracker layers, he reached a heavenly combination of melted chocolate and a marshmallow cooked perfectly golden-brown.

    “And that’s why they say the house on Fulmer Avenue is haunted!” Karl ended. Kip didn't pay attention to the sad excuse of a horror story the boy had just told.

    “That story was lame as my dad’s jokes,” Gerald replied.

    “I’d like to see you do any better,” the skinny boy defensively snapped. This was not a wise thing to say.

    Gerald had the most abstract and expansive imagination of the kids there. His family was rumored to be deep within the occult, giving him the chance to learn about what most people found unethical.

    He saw all the horror movies on the big screen, including the old ones from the 30’s and 50’s.

    He cracked his knuckles and said, “Listen, I’ll make you piss your pants with this one.”

    “Yeah right,” Kip remarked with a roll of his eyes.

    “You’re really brave,” Gerald responded, “maybe you should start to listen and shut your yap.” Kip rolled his eyes again, displaying a sign of confidence that his trousers would be dry at the end of the tale.

    Gerald told a story that went beyond the philosophical boundaries that most horror writers don’t dare exceed. The fact that the fire turned to coals as he told the tale added to the effect it had on Kip’s psyche today.

    Gerald’s story wasn’t a popular folk tale, but it would make anyone freak out in insomnia for its lasting potential on a man’s brain.

    The legend was that strange noises in the forest were caused by a dimensional cross and ricochet of two parallel dimensions, one being the one the boys breathe in; and the other held whatever horrors of boogeymen that went through the minds of people on earth. The tale sent a chill down Kip's spine. There were no ethics involved with it other than those that were broken.

    God! Why would he tell us this nightmare!? he thought.

    Gerald ended his tale by saying that there was a certain sound that was indescribable through the use of words when it happened.

    Despite having said it wouldn’t scare him, Kip’s psyche was reduced to a pulp. He no longer felt the same bold and confident feeling; and he probably never would.

    “Really Gerald why did you tell that,” Terrance inquired with a display of fear in his voice.

    “Karl wanted to see me out do him, don’t blame me.” Gerald replied, pitying his fellow scouts’ cowardly reactions.

    “Maybe you should’ve started out with a softer tale,” the scoutmaster said walking up the hill. The boys opened their eyes in horror and jumped,

    Terrance nearly fainted. They did not dare to look at their superior.

    “Now look, you guys know you should be in bed by now, it’s almost midnight.”

    “Sorry,” Gerald said, “we were just about to go to sleep.”

    After a short lecture from the Eagle Scout, they put out the fire and crawled in the tent. They heard a bone curdling cold pitch. They heard it about seven times that night. None of them ever returned to the forest again.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Thirteen Years Later
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kip Blackburn
    Eagle Lake, ME, United States
    December 31st, 20:03



    Kip turned the television on, hoping that the cable news was going to talk about something positive for once.

    No matter what, the local news channel would lift his spirits in the morning, and when he got home from work, he would go to sleep in a deep depression.

    As the screen came on, he quickly changed the channel to the local news station.

    There was a report on the various hikers that have gone missing with little evidence, the murders in the ghettos of the various large cities around the state, and another torrent of the usual status of the economy that is waiting to be put out of its misery.

    The only thing noteworthy was the mysterious disappearances of hikers. Someone was able to find an audio recording near a corpse of somebody who was apparently made out to be a guy named Hector Shoemaker.

    The audio recording was played, and the sound sent a chill down Kip’s back. His spine was ready to snap. That sound had hunted him since his camping trip as a boy scout.

    The same high pitched noise that his old friend Gerald described, that they later ended up hearing much more than once.

    He quickly turned off the TV and ran into the kitchen to make his dinner. Kip was too afraid of spending too much money to buy any great food; all he had was some store-bought ramen noodles.

    After slurping up the last of his ramen, Kip slipped into his pajamas, and went to bed. He was haunted by the scream of the recording, and suffered from a stronger insomnia than he had on average.

    Kip was the local gunsmith. In an area with a lot of hunting, fishing, and other outdoor activities, he was quite busy.

    He was a proud owner of many vintage weapons that he spent much of his salary on; some of the weapons he owned were prototypes.

    Kip’s skill in his field of work was unrivaled, but his prices were far from cheap.

    When he woke up, Kip decided to start his day with a cup of coffee and some toaster pastries. He plopped the pastries in the toaster, and started the coffee pot.

    After breakfast, he got dressed, brushed his teeth, and got ready for the Friday he had waited all week for. Kip put on his winter coat and boots, then slipped on a balaclava; which he then topped with a watch cap.

    As he trotted on to work, he looked around at the twelve inches of snow that covered Eagle Lake as if it were a quilt on a man with the flu.

    Snow, I used to love the stuff as a kid, Kip thought. He still liked the white fluff, but it started to get tiresome after having to walk through it to get to work every day.

    Snow covered everything, everywhere, every year. It was like the monsoons that occurred in other areas of the world, just add cold temperatures.

    Once Kip reached the structure, he unlocked it, and set up for the day. He still had to repair a Ukrainian Vepr left by a rather shady character.

    The Vepr was a bullpup AK-74, and was used exclusively by the Ukrainian military. The man who gave it to Kip paid him extra to keep their business between the two of them.

    He stripped the weapon, organizing the parts like they do in the maintenance guides that books have.

    The gas cylinder was growing weary and the hammer spring was quite rusty. Luckily, his client came to the right place.

    Kip got out his tools and replaced the faulty parts with those of better quality.

    He was able to get the blueprints and mechanisms to many firearms that civilians of the US were unauthorized to possess.

    The clients he got them from were very secretive indeed, but when someone in possession of military-grade weapons needed maintenance, they would come to him.

    After about thirty minutes of maintenance, he reassembled the gun, and it was ready for firing.

    The phone rang around five o’ clock. Kip walked over and answered it.

    “Do you have it ready,” the man said.

    “Yeah, it’s all ready to go,” Kip responded.

    “Alright, I’ll be there around six.”

    With that, the man hung up. Kip resumed his normal daily schedule until the door swung open.

    A man in a black, hooded, leather trench coat and large combat boots entered. He had a thin face, and his stubble was beginning to grow into a short, shaggy, and quite rough looking beard.

    “Is it ready?”

    “Yep,” Kip replied, “let me go get it.”

    After retrieving the weapon, he handed it to the man.

    “Excellent work,” he said, “I’m glad I came to the right place.” The thin male figure looked around, relieved that nobody was around but the two of them.

    “Look,” he said in a Russian accent, “I’ve got a job offer for you, it’s only for a limited time, so make your decision carefully, but make it fast.” Kip nodded, then demanded that the man tell him what it was.

    “We need someone with your skill in firearms, our old guy bit the dust a couple weeks ago, so we need a replacement,” the Russian said trying to draw as little attention as possible.

    “We know the secret behind the disappearing hikers.” Kip’s eyes grew wide, “What the hell are you trying to say?”

    “Whoa, man, take it easy! What I meant was I think I know how it keeps happening under everybody’s noses!?”

    “Okay,” Kip replied with a sense of uncertainty in his voice, “you could’ve worded that better the first time.”

    “Now look, you won’t tell anyone about what I speak of here; or I’ll see to it personally that you burn in hell, understand?”

    “Calm down man, what is it that can be so bad that nobody can know about but us,” Kip asked. His heart began beating faster with the threat the man gave him.

    “All I ask is that you don’t say anything, you don’t have to accept; but I’d rather you do,” the shady character said.

    “Okay, j-just tell me what the hell this job is,” Kip fearfully inquired.

    The Russian man looked around again, making sure that nobody was eavesdropping before he spoke.

    “I want you to join me, or at least the squad I’m a part of. We’ve been hired to search of a team that had the same job as us before, which was to stop the mystery behind the missing hikers. They went missing and now we’ve been hired to go and find them, and complete their mission if we can.”

    “Wait, Mercenary work,” Kip asked sounding rather confused.

    “Wow, I thought you’d never guess,” the man said, “What else would it be?”

    “Isn’t that illegal,” Kip asked. The thought of directly breaking the law in such a way made his chest throb.

    “No,” he said with a sense of sarcasm in his voice, “and I bet the fact that you know how to repair and have the mechanisms to repair military-grade firearms like the one I got right here is perfectly legal to!”

    “But you must know that the pay is pretty damn generous, and the fact that you’d save a bunch of lives will make you a freaking hero,” he explained.

    “You said your other man died on the job, why would I want to take such a risk!?”

    “Uh, the fact that this could make or break the future of humanity; if we don’t do anything about it, life on earth will most likely be eradicated!”

    Kip thought to himself for a minute before making his choice. Despite the fact that it was December 5th, he began to sweat after about four minutes into deep thought.

    “While we’re young, I’ve got a life too you know,” the recruiter said in an impatient tone.

    “I don’t want to get on the law’s bad side! I have a right to be suspicious!”

    “And I do too after you fixed my friend’s gun! Nobody told you that you had to come! If you want to forget about it that’s your goddamn choice,” he went on, “you can just go back to your miserable life as an underestimated worker, and go out of business when the economy is damned to hell. Or you could be among those who save the whole ****ing world!”

    Kip’s heart was ready to jump out of his chest and shoot itself; he had never been pressed with such a matter of choice.
    He opened his mouth and raised his index finger as if he had something to say, but no words came out.

    “I don’t got much more time, so make your answer now!”

    “Fine,” Kip answered, “I’m in.”

    “Great,” the man exclaimed, “I’ll tell the boys you said yes,” he said shaking his hand.

    “I’m Vodyanoy,” he said with a smile.

    “My name’s Kip.”

    “Meet me in front of this place at five tomorrow morning,” Vodyanoy ordered, “don’t be late.”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    That's it for the prologue. Please feel free to comment, as I said, I'm up for tips and constructive criticism.

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    Last edited by Meeker; 20th April 2013 at 1:18 AM.
    Gallowwolf

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  2. #2
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    Interesting. It's not my style necessarily, but it looks like you have a good idea. A little fast, but Im not reliable person to judge that.

    And veyr few mistakes. Here's one, I think:
    “You’re really brave,” Gerald responded, “maybe you should start to listen and shut yap.”
    Shut yap? Perhaps it should have been Shut up or Shut your yap?

    Regardless, I'm interested.
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  3. #3
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    Yeah, I fixed that.

    And veyr few mistakes.
    Looks like you made a mistake your self. XD
    Gallowwolf

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  4. #4
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    Here it is! The not so awaited chapter One of Auđn! To the few, the not so proud, the readers of this fic, enjoy.

    Also, the point of view has changed from third-person to first-person.



    Chapter One:
    The F.N.G.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kip Blackburn
    Eagle Lake, ME, United States
    Day 1, 04:56


    “An armed society is a polite society.” - Robert Anson Heinlein

    Kip walked through the town, packing the quilt of snow beneath my feet with every step. He only had six minutes to get across Eagle Lake to his gunshop to meet Vodyanoy. After yesterday’s encounter with the bold Russian, it was easy to tell that he was quick to anger, and would explode like the atom bomb if he was pissed.

    As the gunsmith casually trotted down the sidewalk, he noticed that there were actually some people outside walking around. Kip had never known that his hometown had nocturnals besides the various species of owls that lived in the trees.

    He looked at his watch to see what time it was. According to the device on his wrist, it was two until five.

    Vodyanoy is going to KILL me if I’m late!

    Kip's sprint to the building of his occupation was just enough to make me on time by nearly thirty seconds. Vodyanoy’s short beard was reduced to stubble over the night, besides this, his thin face looked no different.

    “Almost late,” Vodyanoy said with a face that displayed his unamusement.

    “Sorry,” Kip pleaded, “I’m not used to waking up this early on a Saturday!”

    “Just don’t let it happen again.”

    He led the young man out of town and into the woods. The snow on the trees, shrubs, and ground was a beautiful sight. The clouds above the their heads gathered as we hiked through the snow to a place unknown to the the Kip.

    Once the two of us came to a shallow ravine made up of two mounds that seemed like mixtures of a cliff and a hill, and then a gap about ten meters wide. I could see a small camp set up at the top and bottom of the cliff, which connected to a clearing after about ten meters on a trail.

    “This is our camp,” Vodyanoy stated, “don’t tell anyone unless you want a hole in your ***!”
    They walked down the southern cliff of the ravine. Neither side was very steep, so it was no challenge for an experienced outdoorsman such as Kip. The cliffs stood fifty feet above the bottom area, which was quite flat from what he could see.

    The balaclava and watch cap Kip wore protected his head and face from the cold wind that whipped like a lasso. After trekking down the hill, which had drops of nearly ninety degrees at points, he was escorted to the bottom tents.

    The various mercenaries looked at him as if he had a bullseye drawn on my forehead. The majority casted glares of hate without pity to my feeble soul.

    Vodyanoy led Kip into one of the white rectangular tents outlined with sandbags that spanned about ten feet in length. Inside lay a couple foldable tables and documents on one. The ground inside the tent was cleared of the snow.

    There was a man dressed in a white coat that had various bursts of green on it, and pants that carried a winter M90 camouflage. He was no older than thirty-five, and wore an olive scarf around his neck.

    “I’ve brought him, sir,” Vodyanoy stated. The man dismissed the Russian, who then walked out of the tent, and into the snow without question.

    “I’m Wolpertinger,” the man said in a German accent, “I understand that you must be nervous after all that’s happening.”

    “Who are you people,” Kip asked, “and why did you choose me for your job?”

    “We are a mercenary squad. We picked you because we needed a new man who could at least match the skills of our old one.”

    “What happened to him?”

    “He was shot in the throat while we were trying to eradicate a terrorist staging base.”

    “Why did you pick me though,” I inquired, not realising that I had been indirectly complimented for my skill as a gunsmith.

    “I just told you,” Wolpertinger said with a puzzled look on his face, “but maybe I should have stated it in a more direct fashion, your skills of weapon mechanics surpass those of our previous technician.”

    “So you want me to maintain your guys’ weapons, and I’ll earn a portion of the pay?”

    “You must go into combat too though,” the German added.

    What the hell? I’m not combat material! Kip thought.

    “Isn’t that dangerous,” he asked. Wolpertinger was nonplussed, he looked at him with a gaze that said, what do you think?

    “Well,” the mercenary continued, “you’re in now, whether you like it or not! We can’t let you go around telling everyone about our camp.” With this, Kip sighed.

    “Alright,” Kip said accepting his fate, “I’ll fight, but don’t expect me to be Rambo.” Wolpertinger nodded, and shouted out the tent.

    “Crow! Show this new recruit to the storage tent!”

    Shortly after Wolpertinger yelled his command, a man wearing a hooded tiger stripe pattern jacket. It had small black streaks and larger blue streaks on a white background, the wearer was clearly using an urban pattern as a makeshift winter camouflage.

    The man had a balaclava that cover the bottom portion of his face and a baseball cap that was concealed by the hood of his jacket.

    There was something about him that Kip could not make out however. His posture was somewhat bird-like, and his head jerked to the side whenever he looked at you, sometimes changing sides he observed, just as most avians do.

    “This is Crow, he’s in charge of the supplies and takes the role of a sniper when needed. He’ll lead you to our stash where you can pick a weapon, and uniforms for the various climates that jobs will bring you to.”

    “Hi,” he said, “I’m Crow; just a heads up, if you find anything that sparkles,shines, glitters, or any of the other what-have-yous, bring it straight to me!”

    “I’ll keep that in mind,” Kip responded with a feeling of awkwardness brought on by the man.

    Crow guided him to a tent about two meters to Wolpertinger’s. Once he opened the door, the recruit was hit with a dizzy spell.

    “Are you okay,” Crow asked, acting as bird-like as one could be. His head moved in short but fast jerks from side to side, and looked sideways at things a lot.

    What does it look like? Kip thought to himself, scared that Crow would have a temper similar to Vodyanoy’s.

    “Yeah,” Kip responded, “I have chronic dizziness, have since I was like twelve or something.”

    “Oh, sorry to hear that, whirlybird,” Crow lightly chuckled.

    “It’s not funny,” the dizzy answered.

    “Sorry, I don’t have much to smile about right now. I’m trying to find anything, just anything to joke about.”

    “It’s alright,” Kip sighed.

    He looked through the various footlockers and other supply cases, trying to find the most effective camouflage for each environment. After making his decision, Crow led him to the armory portion of the tent.

    There were many firearms to choose from, some of which could not be found unless one had loads of money, slept with all the right people, or knew all the right people.

    After a long time caught making the decision, Kip took an AS “Val,” the weapon was complimented by an integrated silencer, which meant that the cartridge was subsonic. It wouldn’t go far, but it would pack a punch at close range, and would fair well at medium range, then even better after some adjustments.

    Crow looked at him with his thin, bird-like face and commented on his choice.

    “I like your taste of shooters!”

    “Where do you get the ammunition for this thing?”

    “I know a man that gives me those shiney 9x39 SP-5 and SP-6 rounds, but I can’t tell you more than that,” Crow answered.

    Kip quickly looked for a sight to attach the his rifle, coming across a rail that would attach to the built-in dovetail mount found on most weapons made in Russia. This additional rail allowed for sights used by countries that were not part of the USSR to be mounted on the gun. He attached a PK-A x3.4 sight that would provide enough magnification for medium range, but not so much that it was impossible to use up close.

    Crow escorted Kip back to Wolpertinger, who he assumed was the squad leader. He entered the tent, and was immediately asked if he had gotten all of his equipment.

    “Yes sir,” I answered.

    “Good, good. Now, feel free to get acquainted with the the rest of the team. It’ll do you good to know who each one is,” Wolpertinger explained.

    “Yes sir,” Kip responded, and left the tent to see the rest of the squad sitting around a fire. Crow gave it his avian gaze, quickly twitching his head from side to side every now and then as always.

    Vodyanoy was sitting on a metal barrel that had previously been sawn in half, sipping a bottle of vodka. One man poked at the fire with a metal bar every thirty seconds, and another was lounging in a cheap metal folding chair.

    The fire was encased by a fourth of the barrel that Vodyanoy was sitting on. Every now and then the man lounging joked that Vodyanoy should pour some of his drink into the fire to keep it going.

    “No,” he said, each time sounding more annoyed.

    Kip sat down on a nearby tree stump, and received mixed expressions from his new found comrades.

    “Who’s this,” the one poking at the blaze asked.

    “This is Whirlybird,” Crow said, not letting me to speak for myself.

    “My name’s Kip,” he said with a tone of annoyance in his voice.

    “You don’t keep your name when you join,” the lounging man explained, “the only place you’ll be called that is in the civilized world. Deal with it, your nick is ‘Whirlybird’ whether you like it or not!”

    Kip did not accept the name, who wanted to be known as “Whirlybird”? The man’s blunt explanation gave a negative impression on his character, and the fact that he purposely agitated Vodyanoy was a sure sign that he had a deathwish.

    “Don’t mind Bunyip over there, he just like to get on your nerves,” the man with the metal stick stated. “I’m Wyvern, I guess you could call me the lifesaver of the team.”

    “You’re no lifesaver,” Bunyip interrupted, “you couldn’t do **** to save Jackstraw!”

    “Bunyip,” Wyvern responded, “did you ever learn to shut the **** up!?

    “Of course,” the smartass explained, “I just choose not to.”

    After more harsh words were exchanged between the two, Vodyanoy got sick of it, pulled out his machine gun, and said that he would mount their heads over his fireplace if they did not stop. Nobody said another word for nearly ten minutes.

    “So,” Kip said with a five second pause, “how ‘bout them Lakers?” Everyone looked irritated by this comment.

    “I don’t watch TV,” Vodyanoy stated.

    “I wasn’t allowed to watch television,” Crow said, “the people at the house of cages didn’t let unless it was some program about birds, and one about humans. I don’t know why they would give me a test about the differences between the two, but they did.”

    House of Cages? Kip thought. A test about the differences between humans and birds?

    “How did you get there?” Kip inquired.

    “Oh, my mom left me there when I was about five,” Crow started, “I was put in a padded cell of some sort with a heavy metal door. My mom looked rather angry when she left me, I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I’m different from everyone else.”

    After a rather sad story concerning the “house of cages,” Kip started to believe that Crow was considered “mentally unstable” by the officials. Most of the team just rolled their eyes.

    He pulled Wyvern aside and asked him some questions.

    “What the hell’s up with Crow,” Kip asked.

    “Oh, he’s not normally talking about his past, I think he felt that it was important to tell you,” Wyvern said.

    “Well why does he act so weird?”

    “I think he suffers from clinical lycanthropy, it makes the person who has it think that they can become, have become, or are in the body of another animal; so I think he sees himself as an anthropomorphic crow, but I can’t be sure.”

    “So his mom just left a little boy at an asylum because of that!?”

    “Apparently that was what she thought was necessary, the *****.”

    After about five minutes, the we returned to the fire. Bunyip kept agitating Vodyanoy.

    “Hey Vodyanoy,” he remarked, “why don’t we throw your booze in the fire for shits and giggles?”

    “Why don’t we throw you into the fire for shits and giggles,” the Russian responded. The man would never let up, his sarcasm knew no bounds.

    “Hey,” Bunyip asked handing Kip a white water bottle, “want it?”

    “Yeah,” I responded.

    The new member took a sip, only to find out that the drink tasted horrible. He quickly spat the liquid out onto the snow, the liquid melted the frozen water that littered the ground.

    “What the hell was in that?”

    “I don’t know,” Bunyip laughed, “bought it off some hobo for a cheap price.”

    Kip was left speechless, Wyvern yelled at the Australian for his tomfoolery, making no progress whatsoever to make the joker quit his shenanigans.

    Not long after this, Wolpertinger came out of his tent, and immediately began to tell me something.

    “Alright Kip,” he explained, “go home tonight, and bring the necessities for our trip, such as your tools, food, and your newly chosen uniform. Get plenty of rest, because you’ll have to be here by six next morning, so don’t be late!”

    After hearing this, Kip walked back to the small structure that he called home.

    Damn, they chose me! Of all of the people they could’ve picked, they chose me!

    Kip did not know whether to be thankful or terrified; he was hired by people who would steal his soul if he turned my back on them in any way, but they said they would pay well.

    I hope it’ll be enough to get me out of the ramen fueled diet that I’ve been forced into.

    Kip got into his pajamas and got in bed; fearing that whatever it is that he would be hired to do wouldn't be too dangerous.

    After about thirty minutes the gunsmith was able to fall asleep. He had a big day in store for him.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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    Last edited by Meeker; 22nd March 2013 at 8:19 PM.
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    Terrance was making smores, and Gerald was halfway in his sleeping bag. The fire was soothing, as the air had a cold bite to it, and the night was as dark as a black hole.
    The autumn air carried a nip through its clutches, and it hit Kip like an eighteen-wheeler. The scout shivered, as the camping trip for the troop was never meant to be this cold. He pulled up his balaclava to keep his face warm.
    The cold forest was filled with deciduous trees still bearing some of their leaves, and the evergreens remained as they always do. The Boy Scouts went out on their camping excursion that included everyone in the troop.
    Used cold way too many times in a short span. I’d recommend changing the wordage up to 1) make it more engaging than just “cold” and 2) not sound repetitive.

    He pulled up his balaclava to keep his face warm.
    You may understand what this is, but as a reader, I should be able to interpret what it is from the surrounding text. Is it like a scarf? Also, what does it look like? Fuzzy, rough, soft, blue, green, rainbow?

    “Want one?” Terrance said
    Incorrect dialogue description. Some word equivalent to asked would be more appropriate.

    As he bit down, penetrating the graham cracker layers, he reached a heavenly combination of melted chocolate and a marshmallow cooked perfectly golden-brown.
    Each person’s “heavenly” could be different. What makes this so unique to Kip. Describe a bit more. I suggest rewording it a bit so that the italic part represents the “heavenly” aspect without having to tell me “heavenly.” I actually reach that just through what I have italicized.

    “And that’s why they say the house on Fulmer Avenue is haunted!” Karl ended.
    I’m not too fond of this. To me, this shows that Kip wasn’t paying much attention; however, it may just be best to have Kip drop himself back into the story session when he hears Gerald’s remark about it. Maybe say something along the lines that he was too absorbed in his smore to bother listening to Karl until Gerald spoke up. Just a suggestion since it seems rather random as it is now.

    Gerald had the most abstract and expansive imagination of the kids there.
    SHOW! No seriously, show me how. You follow this up in your next sentence/paragraph, but it doesn’t give the reader much evidence as to how Gerald’s so good at scaring everybody.

    Gerald told a story that went beyond the philosophical boundaries that most horror writers don’t dare exceed. The fact that the fire turned to coals as he told the tale added to the effect it had on Kip’s psyche today.
    Again, show me how. How does Kip react. Sensory details, stuff like that. I, as a reader, what to have a bit more details to run with rather than “Kip did this.” or “Kip felt this.” Done. Give a bit more.

    The legend was that strange noises in the forest were caused by a dimensional cross and ricochet of two parallel dimensions, one being the one the boys breathe in; and the other held whatever horrors of boogeymen that went through the minds of people on earth.
    [i]God! Why would he tell us this nightmare!?]/i] Kip thought.

    Gerald ended his tale by saying that there was a certain sound that was indescribable through the use of words when it happened.
    Not exactly feeling how scary this was. Remember, your readers should feel some sort of reaction similar to your characters, especially your main character. If he’s scared beyond belief, give us the same feeling, even a little bit is better than none.

    Secondly, you tell again us what Kip feels rather than showing us. Sensory details are you’re ally here. Just a bit of description that shows how he reacts will go miles.

    Lastly and I think you used it one more time elsewhere, I’m not a huge fan of the “!?” since the exclamation is already heard naturally in the question. Remove the exclamation point; it’s not needed.

    No matter what, the local news channel would lift his spirits in the morning, and when he got home from work, he would go to sleep in a deep depression.
    Show how he’s depressed and even further back that up as to why.

    He quickly turned off the TV and ran into the kitchen to make his dinner. Kip was too afraid of spending too much money to buy any great food; all he had was some store-bought ramen noodles.
    You use quickly again in the short span of exposition. Also, as a recommendation, try to rely less on adverbs so much. While a few every once in a while isn’t bad, too much hurts the narrative since they don’t offer much description. For instance take this example:
    Instead of saying “He quickly turned off the TV. . .” switch it to something like “He rushed out of his seat, tripping himself in the process in attempt to turn off the TV, hoping that no further recollection of that horrifying screech would breach his conscious.” No adverbs, at all, yet there is a feeling that the reader reaches regarding that sound he hears. It is by far not the best sentence as it could be better, but I think you get the idea.

    After slurping up the last of his ramen, Kip slipped into his pajamas, and went to bed. He was haunted by the scream of the recording, and suffered from a stronger insomnia than he had on average.
    I had this marked just because I felt that the word “haunted” was too telling for me, so I’ll just refer you to my example that I made as a way to reconsider this and any past and future times I mention show, don’t tell.
    Snow, I used to love the stuff as a kid, Kip thought.
    Missed the italics here if you still decide to use direct thoughts in your writing. I know I mentioned my disposition about direct versus indirect thoughts earlier as that is a personal choice, but regardless you could further support his liking/disliking for it with a bit of description. Also I’d like to know how Kip is feeling since his TV episode. Is he hearing that screech anymore? Is he trying to bury the memory of it? What? I leave that for you to think on and the reader to see. How does he move on from that?

    He still had to repair a Ukrainian Vepr left by a rather shady character.
    What about the guy made him shady? There’re no details surrounding this that justifies Kip’s thoughts on this.

    The thin male figure looked around, relieved that nobody was around but the two of them.
    Show how he’s relieved. Does he nod his head in a particular, give a sigh, survey the area, even outside, and then approach Kip?

    “Look,” he said in a Russian accent, “I’ve got a job offer for you, it’s only for a limited time, so make your decision carefully, but make it fast.” Kip nodded, demanding that the man tell him what it was.
    “We need someone with your skill in firearms, our old guy bit the dust a couple weeks ago, so we need a replacement,” the Russian said trying to draw as little attention as possible.
    1) This brings up a rather funny image for the way it reads currently. It may be best to show some sort of transition for Kip, especially since nodding and demanding seem rather contradictory.

    2) What makes him trying to avoid attention? If there is no one around, why even bother?

    “I’ll keep that in mind,” I responded with a sense of uncertainty in his voice.
    I’m sure by now you may (or may not) be tired of me pointing out a lot of areas where I say “show, don’t tell.” And if you are, you’re probably right. And I’m not saying that you need to change every instance as that may end up making the scene sound too flowery; however, it is a reoccurring problem that there is a lack of description. Also, as I just noticed this while typing, you used “I responded.”

    The Russian man looked around again, making sure that nobody was eavesdropping before he spoke.
    I think we’ve gotten past the fact that Vodyanoy is trying to be inconspicuous, but then again, this does raise the question of whether or not they are other people in Kip’s shop. Is it after-hours? Does someone wander too close to hear their conversation that may cause Vod to pause for a moment? Just a bit of extra thinking to consider.

    “Uh, the fact that this could make or break the future of humanity; if we don’t do anything about it, life on earth will most likely be eradicated!”
    That’s a hefty request all of a sudden. What does Kip actually think about this? Is there any curiosity as to what Vodyanoy is meaning, or fear maybe? Does Kip want the answer now or does he just rather not know all of the details?

    Alrighty, that concludes the specific cases of the prologue. I do have a few things left that cover the entire thing.
    While I did mention this quite a bit, but I think your biggest area for improvement is showing the readers what’s going on rather than telling, which is something that is hard to do. And the best way to find and understand is by reading any book and seeing how authors write something without relying so much on adverbs or flat out telling what is going on. Or, practice something along the lines of what I did earlier. Take one of your sentences or any sentence from any writing, a fan fiction you like or a story you like, find a sentence that you feel may be too telling and see if you can write it better.

    I also noticed you have a habit of making a paragraph one or two sentences long. I’m not sure whether you don’t want it to look like a huge block of text or just a habit is you developed, but no matter what, a paragraph should as long as the subject in context is relevant to each other. Changing in dialogue you get, but let me find one particular example and you run off that. . . Ah here:
    The campfire crackled as Karl continued his tall tale. Telling scary stories was a camp tradition; it was impossible to go without hearing one fantasy of horror.

    Terrance was making smores, and Gerald was halfway in his sleeping bag. The fire was soothing, as the air had a cold bite to it, and the night was as dark as a black hole.

    The autumn air carried a nip through its clutches, and it hit Kip like an eighteen-wheeler. The scout shivered, as the camping trip for the troop was never meant to be this cold. He pulled up his balaclava to keep his face warm.

    The cold forest was filled with deciduous trees still bearing some of their leaves, and the evergreens remained as they always do. The Boy Scouts went out on their camping excursion that included everyone in the troop.
    For the most part, this is pretty much describing the surrounding area, so this all could be just one paragraph like this:

    Edited
    The campfire crackled as Karl continued his tall tale. Telling scary stories was a camp tradition; it was impossible to go without hearing one fantasy of horror. Terrance was making smores, and Gerald was halfway in his sleeping bag. The fire was soothing, as the air had a cold bite to it, and the night was as dark as a black hole. The autumn air carried a nip through its clutches, and it hit Kip like an eighteen-wheeler. The scout shivered, as the camping trip for the troop was never meant to be this cold. He pulled up his balaclava to keep his face warm. The cold forest was filled with deciduous trees still bearing some of their leaves, and the evergreens remained as they always do. The Boy Scouts went out on their camping excursion that included everyone in the troop.
    Now, onto the more positive things as I don’t want this to sound too criticizing.

    One thing I did notice was that you did include a bit of poetic moments within your writing. I think at one point you made a comparison of dark to a black hole which is nice that you did that. I would suggest using stronger words. For instance, changing “dark” to “lightless.” A small thing to consider, but I do like that you incorporated a bit of poetic writing since it did enhance the reading for me.

    I also like your usage of dialogue. It sounds natural, and I can get a feel for your characters personality through them. You also know that you don’t need to create a whole list of he said this, he said that, he followed up with this; you just continue with the dialogue knowing that the reader will know who is talking. That’s good!

    And that’s all for the prologue. I see you ended up posting chapter 1, so I’ll just post my thoughts here later today. Hope you found this helpful and understandable.
    Last edited by Agent Tectonic; 29th December 2012 at 9:05 PM.
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  6. #6
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    Alright, part two of my review: Chapter 1 this time. Let's get it rolling shall we.

    I walked through the town, packing the quilt of snow beneath my feet with every step. I only had six minutes to get across Eagle Lake to his gunshop to meet Vodyanoy. After yesterday’s encounter with the bold Russian, it was easy to tell that he was quick to anger, and would explode like the atom bomb if he was pissed.
    What makes Kip think that the Russian was bold? What are his thoughts? Also, why is there a POV shift from the prologue to now? There you have it written in 3rd person, yet here it is in 1st.

    I looked at my watch to see what time it was. According to the device on his wrist, it was two until five.
    Just like a chapter should be no longer than it should, so too should a sentence (or two depending on the grammar used). Like here, remove the period, replace with a comma, and then remove the rest of the bolded part and place the word “about.” Now, that’s just a suggestion since there is nothing really wrong here; however, if you leave it pay close attention to the “his wrist” as that was missed in the POV switch.

    “Just in time,” Vodyanoy said with a face that displayed his unamusement.
    “Just in time” seems off. Maybe more like “Almost late.” Also, what does the bolded part actually look like? Remember to show more.

    The clouds above the our heads gathered as we hiked through the snow to a place unknown to the me.
    1) Extra “the” there. 2) I’d remove that to begin with and just have it as “The clouds about gathered. . .”

    Neither side was very steep, so it was no challenge for an experienced outdoorsman such as myself. The cliffs stood only fifty feet above the bottom area, which was quite flat from what he could see.
    1st bold: Too telling. Give an example. Has Kip scaled worse, or has he scaled cliffs that looked similar to this one? Just a small blurp would do it.

    2nd bold: o_O Only 50 feet. That’s pretty high for most people.

    The balaclava and watch cap I wore protected my head and face from the cold wind that whipped lasso.
    Favorite word again: cold. Go for more engaging vocab. I’m not saying look up the biggest word around, but say something more like shivering, chilling, stuff like that.

    After trekking down the hill, which had drops of nearly ninety degrees at points, I was escorted to the bottom tents.
    I believe I know what you’re going for; however, this just seems worded awkwardly.

    The majority casted glares of hate without pity to my feeble soul.
    Why? Give insight to what Kip thinks is the reason to why the mercs are giving him questionable glares. I’m trying to figure that out myself.

    “Why did you pick me though,” I inquired, not realising that I had been indirectly complimented for my skill as a gunsmith.
    Remove the bolded part since a reader picks this up because of the italicized part. Also, I’m not sure if this is the case, but I don’t believe “realising” has multiple spellings since I know it as “realizing.”

    “I just told you,” Wolpertinger said with a puzzled look on his face, “but maybe I should have stated it in a more direct fashion, your skills of weapon mechanics surpass those of our previous technician.”
    Seems like a rather polite and sincere person. Unusual. Not bad, but unusual.

    “Crow! Show this new recruit to the storage tent!”
    Not a fan of bolded or italicized words when there used like this. The point taken with the explanation point is enough to show the reader that Wolp is shouting.

    Shortly after Wolpertinger yelled his command, a man wearing a hooded lizard pattern jacket jacket.
    First, double jacket there. Secondly, lizard pattern? What does that mean? Scaly, ziz-zagged?

    “Hi,” Crow said in his, [/b]“I’m Crow;[/b] just a heads up, if you find anything that sparkles,shines, glitters, or any of the other what-have-yous, bring it straight to me!”
    Just “Hi.” A little too generic. And remove the bolded part. I’m sure it’s established the guy introduced is Crow.

    “I’ll keep that in mind,” I responded with a feeling of awkwardness brought on by the man.
    I can see that someone else got a hold of you regarding this as I have an earlier version printed off apparently. While this is much better than before, it doesn’t show much. Does he look down, scratch his head, something?

    Once he opened the door, I was hit with a dizzy spell.
    Show. A fainting feeling, light-headed, skin clam up, a mixture of both, something else?

    I took an AS “Val”. The weapon had an integrated silencer, which meant that the cartridge was subsonic.
    Remove the period after Val along with “the weapon had an”, put a comma inside the quotation and put “complimented with an integrated silencer. . .”

    Crow looked at me with his thin, bird-like face and commented on my choice.
    Crow’s comment next is in essence this statement here. No need to have this.

    Crow escorted me back to Wolpertinger, who I assume is the squad leader.
    What was your first clue; when you were introduced to him first. :P That last bit at the end is a bit of a “you don’t say” moment.

    Vodyanoy was sitting on a metal barrel that had previously been sawn in half, sipping a bottle of vodka from time to time.
    Remove “from time to time.” It makes it sound as if time is passing right now when it’s not.

    Every now and then the man lounging would joke that Vodyanoy should pour some of his drink into the fire to keep it going.
    Remove “every now and then” for the same reason as above. Also remove “would” and make “joke” into “joked.”

    Crow gave it his avian gaze, quickly twitching his head from side to side every now and then.
    Just saw this case as well. Remove the last bit. Actually, these wouldn’t be so bad if you mention when Kip first sits down that he sits in silence letting the others talk while he gets his thoughts together or maybe overcome a sense of shyness. As of right now though, there isn’t much evidence that time is passing much in this moment that would allow the “every now and then” comments. Food for thought.

    I sat down on a conveniently located tree stump,
    Change “conveniently” to nearby. Conveniently sounds to off.

    “So,” Kip said with a five second pause, “how ‘bout them Lakers?” Everyone looked irritated by this comment.
    A bit out of place, but if you choose to keep it, you don’t need to be exact in your time.

    , “the people at the house of cages didn’t let unless
    A name? Capitalize?

    After about five minutes, the we returned to the fire. Bunyip kept agitating Vodyanoy.
    Nobody saw them leave to begin with?

    The Australian would never let up, his sarcasm knew no bounds.
    Remember to stay within Kip’s narration as this sentence seems like a narrator saying this.

    “What the hell was that!?”
    Preferably use the question mark here since the exclamation is pretty much seen through the word choice.

    because you’ll have to be here by six next morning, so don’t be late!”
    This goes back to my comment earlier about bolded words not looking professional.

    I didn’t know whether to be thankful or terrified, I
    Semi colon at the end. Otherwise, it’s a comma splice.

    I would be hired to do wouldn’t be too dangerous.
    Same as before about bold.

    So that’s all I have. I must say, I most curious over the nature of the group. For mercenaries, they don’t fit the typical mold that many put them as, so I can’t wait what they are like as the story goes on. I think the biggest thing I think that could be improved is the character development. I’m not quite sure what to expect out of Kip or anyone quite yet so improving the development would help a bit. That goes back to showing me how characters act rather than tell me. I want to get into the character’s head and see, hear, smell everything like he does.
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  7. #7
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    In all honesty, Tec, I was intending to make it 3rd person, but decided to go with 1st person. I feel that the prologue works out as a 3rd person well, and my way that I intend to write on with is 1st person exclusive, trust me.
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  8. #8
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    Here we are folks, the second chapter of this story.

    Chapter Two:
    Jackstraw

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Crow"
    Near Eagle Lake, ME, United States
    Day 1, 20:21


    “Crows everywhere are equally black.” -Chinese Proverb

    Crow looked around, and after a little while, found his journal, grabbed a pencil and began to write.

    It seems like just yesterday that I joined this squad of fighters. They were the only people nice enough to take me under their wing. Crow thought to himself.

    Before that, I was just a sparrow amongst a great flock. Now, I have the talons of an eagle.

    People look at me funny wherever I go, maybe it’s because I’m the only of my kind. I never knew how I came to be the way I am today, but I know that it was before I was left at the House of Cages.

    It was a place I lived most of my life in. If I’m not mistaken, I was put there by my mother when I was about five. I remember how heavy and strong her breath was, and how she had bruises on her face. I never saw her after that.

    While there, I was shown different programs on television. One about birds and one about humans. They gave me written tests about humans and their differences from avians. I got a hundred percent on each.

    I left when there was a gas leak that destroyed half of my room, which I’m guessing was right next to the kitchen and the outside wall. I grew tired of the place, as I wasn’t able to get anything shiny in there. Once out, I collected every piece of “money” I could. I was surprised by how many people would give people who held their hand out. I tried this, and it worked! I was rich in shiny circles!

    When a man I would later know as Jackstraw came to me, he offered that if I joined him and his friends, I would get even more than just the “coins.” He promised bars of it! I was only able to get one, but it still better than nothing, and brought me good luck.

    I say that everyone else is just delusional, as I clearly have all of the traits of a crow minus the wings, and can walk and talk like any human.

    I have all the proof I need, I have the beak,the black feathers, and the talons that on both both my hands and feet, each of which extend to around my ankles and knees; but my mom never told me why I didn’t have wings of any kind. So I’m basically what most people call “anthropomorphic,” whatever that means, that’s just what Wyvern had said.

    A replacement for Jackstraw appeared today, he seemed like a nice guy, but I think he was a little shocked by my appearance. It’s too bad about Jackstraw, he became the best, and only friend I’ve ever had. He would spot my targets, and that made my job as a marksman easier. The heads of my targets would sometimes explode sometimes, depending on what rifle I was using. The man had recruited, trained, and nurtured me like an older brother.


    Crow held up a small bar of gold, and looked at it for some time. Tears began to grow in the man's eyes until they began to run down his feathered cheeks.

    I can still remember the day we parted...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Two Months Ago...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Crow"
    Near Laut Flores, Indonesia
    October 31 21:03


    The sea was a vast field that never seemed to end. It had a mind of its own and decided who was tasty enough to swallow whole. Now was one of those times, if one's luck gave way, they would be engulfed by the undertow.

    The rigid-hulled inflatable boats, or RHIBs, were not very stable in the strong wind, and the waves crashed harder on the flotation devices that rimmed the small boats. Crow grew seasick after about five minutes on the water. A seagull may be able to stand such a trip, but alas, he was a crow.

    They could have gotten to our target faster, but that would give away their position. It was important that they left next to no footprints in the sand they stepped on.

    The team was given radio headsets that allowed us to communicate without making much noise for this job. If they succeeded, we would be able to keep them. Our clients were very generous indeed.

    The sun began to invaginate into the horizon, and the light was drained from the sky faster than one could blink.

    “Bunyip,” Wolpertinger called through the headsets, “what’s your status?”
    “We’re approaching the raised house in the sea, don’t worry. We’ll give ‘em hell, and that’s a promise, mate!” After receiving the sitrep, the German turned his attention to Jackstraw and Crow.

    “Crow, Jackstraw, I need you two to use the structure to provide sniper support for our mission.”

    “Roger that,” Jackstraw calmly stated. His goggle reflected the sunset as the boat made its way to the house, which contrasted the black balaclava he wore over his face and the dark helmet he attached to his head.

    The structure was built on a raised wooden platform that stood out of a small rocky island no wider than two meters and a sandbar, and was nearly twenty meters from the coast of Laut Flores. It was made entirely of wood with a thatched roof, and looked as if it was made back in the days of the Dutch colonies. Crow feared that it would not hold them for more than a couple minutes.

    Bunyip drove the boat even slower as he neared the sea house. Rain began to fall, but it was not harming anything.

    “****,” Bunyip quietly exclaimed, “this jacket is dry clean only! You’d better have a good lawyer mother nature!” Bunyip acted as if he was serious, but Crow knew better than to believe the BS he shouted out.

    Crow quickly mounted a suppressor on his SR-3m and unfolded the foregrip. Its Kobra sight gave little light, but did not shine; as it was only three red lines that outlined a crosshair, making it easier than using his weapon’s iron sights.

    The SR-3m was his choice of weapon, it was like the AS “Val”, except the silencer could be removed, making it much more versatile.

    Once at the edge of the walkway that surrounded the house, Jackstraw put a small wooden ladder up against it. They climbed up the ladder, unnoticed by the various guards on the walkway. Bunyip then took the ladder down, and waited for them to clear the house.

    The entire structure was composed of two houses on the same platform, so the patrolling hostiles would go between the two houses from time to time.

    Once one of them came around the corner, Crow placed my gun’s wire stock in his shoulder, and gave the sentry a silent burst of his Vikhr. The bullets thrusted through his flesh, sending protrusions of blood out into the air, and delivering him to the sea below. The splash alerted one of his friends, who met the same fate.

    The sun finished it’s decent, and it was unnaturally lightless other than the lanterns inside. The rain’s decent to the Earth grew stronger with each drop, and thunder grew louder with each boom; a storm was approaching.

    The twosome moved on to eliminate each of the terrorists that guarded the platform’s rim, making sure to be careful that nobody heard the small whelps some of them made when they died.

    “Look at this,” Jackstraw whispered, pointing at one of the bodies that did not fall of the edge. The man had carried an interesting supply of weapons and gear before he died. Not many terrorists could get their hands on a Chinese Type 05. The SMG was exclusive to Chinese military and law enforcement agents, and the caliber was exclusive to the country itself. The man also wore an “izlom” camouflage, which consisted of bluish green-grey, a ginger red-brown, a pale green, along with slight portions of black and white in jagged edged dopple-like splotches. All of the colors were notably pale. The only reported use of said camo was by Russian reconnaissance and MVD forces.

    “Interesting,” Crow muttered. “Where do you think they got it?”

    “I don’t know, but somebody’s being generous with nice firearms and camouflage, and I want some!” Jackstraw clearly wanted a replacement for his dopple camo that he wore to forested areas.

    “Stack up on the door,” he ordered. Crow quickly set his back against the wall, avoiding any source of light other than the lightning that struck awfully close. Jackstraw gave him a nod with his covered head. Crow quickly nodded back, and he kicked in the door.

    Crow ran through the doorway, and my partner followed. They launched their bullets into the opposing forces at lightning speed. Their bodies fell to the ground like ragdolls after each burst that penetrated their bodies. Even though it was only a couple seconds, it felt a lot longer to them when they filled the room with bodies.

    The guards in other house on the platform became alert, then rushed into the one we had just cleared. They were quickly dropped, their idiotic charge into a house of two highly trained mercenaries armed to the teeth was a poor decision indeed. More corpses now littered the room.

    The wind, now blowing at what easily felt like seventy miles an hour shook the platform. Crow's heart raced at the thought of it collapsing on them.

    “We’re clear,” Crow stated, giving a clear idea as to the fact that They had finished part of our op.

    “Roger,” Wolpertinger responded, “we’re moving in now! Set up your rifle Crow; we’ll need the sniper support!”

    “You heard him,” Jackstraw backed with his gravelly voice. He pulled his rangefinder, and Crow pulled out his rifle, an OTs-48K. This weapon was his pride and joy, as it was given to him by Jackstraw himself. He said he bought it off some Russian law enforcement sniper for a nice price.

    This weapon was a very unique model indeed, it was bullpup, bolt-action, and loaded from the top. Crow had mounted the standard PSO-1 scope, as it was the easiest to obtain. Jackstraw had said that it was made from the surplus Mosin-Nagant rifles that Russia once used in the second word war. The result barely resembled what it started as. It still took the same round, and had to be loaded one-by-one due to the scope. He could not load it via stripper clip. It only held five rounds, so each shot had to count.

    Crow set the rifle’s bipod onto a windowsill, while Jackstraw got him a chair to sit in. It was hard to see through the scope, as the storm blocked whatever visibility that night would normally leave untouched.

    The two RHIBS moved into a small mangrove, where they hid them before making a small trek to the compound.

    “Do I have to go in? It’s dark and scary in there,” Bunyip stated.

    “Shut the hell up you ****ing joker,” Jackstraw responded.

    The place was obviously a smuggling ring, but the fact that the gear the goons held were top-notch gave Crow the feeling that there was more to this than what met his eyes.

    “Crow,” Vodyanoy stated, “we’ve got a guard up in that tower!” Crow looked up to it, and sure enough, there was a man with a red and white scarf wrapped around his head; leaving only his eyes exposed.
    “What’s the range,” his asked my spotter.

    “Thirty meters.”

    After a flash of lightning, Crow quickly shot the masked sniper, using the thunder to mask the sound his shot. The bullet went through the target's head like a knife through hot butter; death was instant. As if that wasn’t enough, his corpse was propelled off of the ten foot tower he once stood on. Blood now littered the ground he lay upon

    “Ogromnoye spasibo,” Vodyanoy thanked, making his way towards the smuggling post.

    “Crow, I need another shot on this mother****er up here!”

    The sniper quickly set his sights on a man with a backwards baseball cap and t-shirt that stood at the gate with another guard that looked nearly identical to the tower sniper.

    “Range?”

    “Thirty-two meters for the closer one, and thirty-three for the other one,” Jackstraw answered.

    The lightning flared again, and Crow performed the same trick as before, except this time he sent a bullet through both of their heads. They quickly toppled to the ground, which was beginning to erode with the amount of water that flowed down it. Their blood stained the ground black, for the darkness altered its appearance.

    “Khoroshiye kadry! We're moving to the first building now.” Vodyanoy and the others crept through the gate, and made their way to the structure closest to the entrance. Bunyip kicked down the door, and they entered one-by-one.

    Crow began to pick off certain smugglers that came too close to the building that the rest of the squad cleared. This process was repeated until every room in each structure was cleared.

    “Khorosho, now it’s time to have some fun,” Vodyanoy stated.

    “Vod,” Wyvern explain, “why is it that you look like a horny teenager whenever it’s time to blow the **** out of something?”

    “Because, it’s fun as hell to blow somethin’ up!”

    “I doubt that hell is fun,” Bunyip replied. It took about twenty minutes to get each charge into a spot for maximum destruction.

    “Wir sind hier fertig, let’s move back to the RHIBs,” Wolpertinger stated.

    “Nakonets-to,” Vodyanoy muttered.

    The sniper team decided to loot the sea house while they could, it was a tradition for them to loot our kills.

    Tossing and turning through the various footlockers in the sea house, they came across some interesting things, some shiny, others not so much. Crow took whatever glittered, watches, ammo, coins, anything! As long as it sparkled, he wanted it!

    “Hey Crow,” his friend calmly exclaimed, “check this out!” He extended his hand to him, revealing a bar of gold! It sparkled like a star in the night sky! Crow quickly grabbed it, and cradled it like a baby.

    “That’s a little overkill dude,” he said.

    “But it’s my precious!”

    “That wasn’t a rip off,” Jackstraw sarcastically responded. What? Crow thought, is someone going to sue me for saying that?

    After a couple seconds, they heard something whipping around faster than the wind outside.

    “What the hell is that,” Jackstraw asked.

    “I don’t know,” Crow answered.

    “Well, whatever it is, it better be friendly.”

    Just after he said this, a rocket took out the roof of the hut we stood in, blasting us to the ground, and some of the wooden floorboards fell into the ocean. When Crow looked up, it was none other than a “Hind”. The helicopter was known as the “Crocodile” for it’s oddly shaped, and to some, ugly cockpit shape.

    Crow rationalized that the Hind was most likely called in by the base, but it must have been long ago, and now it comes for an unknown reason. There was a chance that it was planned to arrive today, but by a strange twist of fate, it happens to be when their operation took place. Knowing that the Hind could hold a squad of soldiers, it is entirely possible that it was there to drop some people off.

    Crow looked to his left to see Jackstraw knocked out on the floor, and behind him was a “Havoc,” another Russian helicopter model. The havoc was basically a mix between the Hind and the AH-64 Apache. However, unlike the Hind, it could not carry a ready squad of soldiers, its sole purpose was to eliminate its target.

    The rotors spun like fans, only much louder. Crow's ears ached from their slashes in the air. His first goal if he lived through this is to get his ears checked for any permanent damage.

    “Jackstraw? Crow? Do you read?”

    The Hind came close to the edge of the walkway, and dropped some soldiers down; one of which was wearing a red beret with a golden, sparkly insignia that had a red star in the middle on it. Judging by his physique, face, clothing, and bald head, Crow assumed that the man was Russian.

    They walked over to Jackstraw, who had just woken up.

    “What do you want?” he asked with a tone raspier than normal.

    The man with the beret crouched next to him and asked him a question.

    “Why do you come to our base, kill our men, and try to waltz off like some kind of thief?” His accent proved my suspicions of his nationality.

    “Why do you have to answer a question with a question; you know that’s impolite!”

    The Russian pushed his oversized pistol up against Jackstraw’s face and pulled the trigger; blood went everywhere, and a large hole lay where his nose once was. The loud shot of the Desert Eagle sent Crow into shock. Everything seemed to go in slow motion to him, and his ears rung like an old bell tower.

    As soon as he started towards the bird, there was a humongous explosion from the shore. The squad had detonated the charges on the base! The blast of the explosives did not help with Crow's ears, as they were just about ready to pop.

    The men shook in shock, and looked toward the land that stood to the north of them.

    Just then, the Havoc was shot by something that created that sound similar to a small explosion. One of the engines was obliterated, and it spun out of control, shooting its rockets as it fell to the ocean. The combined chaos of the haywire chopper and the misfired explosives took out the other half of the platform, along with most of the hut’s walls. It sent Crow rolling down the angled wooden floor, but he caught onto a small stub that was once a wall. The man who had just killed his best friend was climbing up the forty-five degree angle that stood below him.

    Crow would not let his friend’s death go unavenged! He pulled out his sidearm, a PB/6P9 silenced pistol, and aimed right at him. The sniper pulled the trigger just as his target began to enter his chopper, releasing unheard bullets at his body. They went straight through him, as he wore no armor. He was knocked down at about three hits. Crow did not know how good his aim was at the moment, but he hit him, even if he was picked up by his men, who flew off into the night.

    Bunyip came over to the end of the platform with his RHIB. Crow let go of the wooden stub, and fell onto the floatation device on the rim of the boat, then climbed on.

    “What happened? Where’s Jackstraw,” Bunyip asked. Crow just sat in the RHIB and cried. Even Bunyip felt his sorrow and could tell that something happened. For one time in his life, he did not wisecrack or attemp to joke about the situation.

    “Wolpertinger, this is Bunyip,” he reported, “we have a man down! I repeat, we have a man down!”

    “****,” the German yelled. “Who?”

    “It was Jackstraw, sir.”

    “****!”

    Crow sat there, bawling his eyes out. His only friend, gone! He could remember how Jackstraw always wore a balaclava with a helmet and goggles, and the image seemed to be there whenever he closed his eyes.

    The bird pulled out the gold bar Jackstraw had given him; and even though it only made him cry more, he still held it up to him like a child.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    So there we are. I couldn't resist but put a good ol' flashback in there! They make everything better.*

    I must say, I was quite nervous as to how my beta-reader would respond to one of my first attempts at writing action. I must say though, I'm quite proud of it.

        Spoiler:- Special Thanks:


    *Well, almost...
    Last edited by Meeker; 2nd May 2013 at 3:28 AM.
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  9. #9
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    Okay, so I just finished reading these chapters. I like the horror setup of the prologue, but I feel that the focus shifted very rapidly to a war story afterward. There's nothing wrong with that, but the genre switch can be a bit jarring.

    Character-wise, the one that stood out to me the most from his intro was Crow. A chapter from his perspective was something unexpected, but fun. I'd actually be interested in seeing more like this for the other party members, but only after a few more chapters that expand the main plot.

    Oh, and just tossing this out here- Jackstraw's remaining significant. A body was witnessed, but never reclaimed. To paraphrase Order of the Stick, a villain (because I would be very surprised if Jackstraw returned heroic) is never dead unless the heroes find a body, and sometimes not even then. For more details, http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.ph...erFoundTheBody .

    Overall, there are few errors in Chapter 2, and @ seemed to find all of the errors in Chapter 1. Looking good, and I'd like to see more.

    Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal- 29 chapters and counting!
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    Quote Originally Posted by pokenutter View Post
    Okay, so I just finished reading these chapters. I like the horror setup of the prologue, but I feel that the focus shifted very rapidly to a war story afterward. There's nothing wrong with that, but the genre switch can be a bit jarring.
    Yeah, There will be more horror, but not exactly now.

    Character-wise, the one that stood out to me the most from his intro was Crow. A chapter from his perspective was something unexpected, but fun. I'd actually be interested in seeing more like this for the other party members, but only after a few more chapters that expand the main plot.
    Everybody seems to like Crow, it's official. And trust me, various chapters will be written from different characters' perspectives; sometimes two in one if necessary. I feel that it's good to show a story from more that one point of view, as it can give you an outlook at the various ways people think of one person, place, or event.

    Oh, and just tossing this out here- Jackstraw's remaining significant. A body was witnessed, but never reclaimed. To paraphrase Order of the Stick, a villain (because I would be very surprised if Jackstraw returned heroic) is never dead unless the heroes find a body, and sometimes not even then.
    Only time will tell, but that gun was of a humongous caliber for a pistol, and right to the forehead.

    Looking good, and I'd like to see more.
    Thanks, and I'm working on chapter three in my cycle between both of my projects.
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    !!!NOTICE!!! The story is getting a PoV change, as my quirky mind has changed it's opinion yet again. I will get to the editing soon, but It may take some time.

    !!!UPDATE!!! The edits have been done!
    Last edited by Meeker; 25th February 2013 at 12:54 AM.
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    This weapon was a very unique model indeed, it was bullpup, bolt-action, and loaded from the top. Crow had mounted the standard PSO-1 scope, as it was the easiest to obtain. Jackstraw had said that it was made from the surplus Mosin-Nagant rifles that Russia once used in the second word war. The result barely resembled what it started as. It still took the same round, and had to be loaded one-by-one due to the scope. I could not load it via striper clip. It only held five rounds, so each shot had to count.
    Nooooo ...... no him. Its THE END! Don't kill me! [refer to MGS3: Snake eater.] His sniper and himself is a NIGHTMARE TO FIGHT! And your hero using that, damn! He must have training from The End himself.

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    Nice job, Meeker. This is a great story.

    You've got some errors with your POV, though. I'm sure it was just parts lost in transition from First back to Third, but they're there. It's mostly dealing with "my"s that I think you just missed. Such as:

    Crow quickly mounted a suppressor on my SR-3m...
    Crow placed my gun’s wire stock...
    Crow pulled out my rifle, an OTs-48K.
    And there was one error with an "I" in there.

    the light was drained from the sky faster than I could blink.
    But beyond the POV shift, I'm not finding any errors and the story is coherent and exciting. As I said before, nice job, and I'm looking forward to more.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Nooooo ...... no him. Its THE END! Don't kill me! [refer to MGS3: Snake eater.] His sniper and himself is a NIGHTMARE TO FIGHT! And your hero using that, damn! He must have training from The End himself.
    No, it's not a Mosin-Nagant, it's a special style of rifle made from the surplus of now obsolete Mosin-Nagant rifles. If this helps you know that it's different, here.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    Nice job, Meeker. This is a great story.
    Thanks!

    You've got some errors with your POV, though. I'm sure it was just parts lost in transition from First back to Third, but they're there. It's mostly dealing with "my"s that I think you just missed. Such as:
    Yeah, those are from the PoV switch. Thanks for spotting those for me!
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    Alright, in attempt to avoid confusion, I'm going to announce it here. This story's title will be changed, and for various reasons. I don't feel like explaining here, but if anyone wants to know, just PM/VM me, and I'll explain.
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