Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Hoilday Cooking Frenzy (PG-13)

  1. #1

    Default Hoilday Cooking Frenzy (PG-13)

    Rating: PG-13 for cursing, mild physical harm and petty bullying
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Characters/Parings: Ariana and Mars
    Genre: General, Friendship
    Status: completed
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: Something for the holidays. But it's about cooking so yeah. I hope someone enjoys this as much as I do. Also this story takes place in Unova. And I know that the Driftveil Market doesn't sell food in the games but I kinda... pulled some strings.

    It was 11:30 PM on Christmas Eve as everyone in Team Galactic’s headquarters were all ready to retire to their respective bedrooms. A woman with shoulder length, curly red hair and a short, white lacey nightgown came from one of the rooms and headed towards the kitchen. Her name was Ariana and she was there to spend the night with her best friend. She smirked as she reached the refrigerator and began to open the door. She knelt down while scanned her eyes up and down the shelves.

    “Well, darn. I was hoping they would have a good drink around here,” she said to herself as she as her ruby reds were still scanning the shelves and the side door.

    Ariana kept looking until she finally spotted a green can of what seemed to be soda on the middle of the top shelf. She smiled as her hand quickly reached for the can of soda. However, while she managed to grab one side of the green can, another hand with pink nails grabbed the other side of it and proceeded to pull on it.

    “Let go, little girl!” the familiar voice frustratingly said. “Can’t you see this is my soda?”

    The Rocket executive looked up and saw a familiar face, towering over her with a scowl. While she tried to pull the can towards her, Ariana quickly got up from the kneeling position and placed her other hand on the can. The younger, taller woman she was struggling with was none other than Jupiter, a commander on Team Galactic. With her long, back length, dark pink hair down, her sharp dark pink eyes, her checkered patterned nightgown which was long sleeved and skimpy coupled with an hourglass figure, she was a very beautiful woman.

    Ariana often would get intimidated by Jupiter’s strength and beauty and tonight was no different. However, her quenching thirst for the soda prevented to loosening her grip in intimidation.

    “Hey, I found it first!” Ariana retaliated. “Therefore, it’s mine!”

    “Um, no… this is my drink. I bought it,” Jupiter said with a snarl. “Want to know why? Because it’s diet soda. I’m actually trying to watch my figure. Of course, you don’t do that so you wouldn’t understand. I can tell.”

    Ariana’s eyes widened as she loosened her grip on the soda can. It wasn’t only her distaste for diet soda that made her almost let go, but it was the woman’s insult on her image. ‘Hey, I know I don’t have a body like she does but it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about myself!’ the redhead thought as she narrowed her eyes into a glare. Meanwhile, Jupiter used this as an opportunity to grab her can right out of Ariana’s hands. With force, she snatched the can so hard that when she took a few steps back, the older woman fell forward on her stomach.

    “Insolent girl…” the Galactic commander scoffed as she turned and walked away into her room.

    Ariana slowly got up from the ground and stopped the refrigerator door from closing. Shaking her head in frustration, she once again scanned the shelves of the cold box for a cold drink. On one of the middle shelves, she spotted a medium sized bowl of kasib berries with plastic wrap over them. Once she stared at them, a smirk began to grow upon her face. ‘Hm, a glass of water laced with sweet berries? Sweeeeet!’ she thought as she began to pull the glass bowl from the shelf. However, as she almost removed it, she spotted a white piece of printer paper, with writing, written with a black marker, taped on top of the plastic wrap. It read:

    DO NOT EAT THE BERRIES! (I need these to make Saturn’s muffins)

    Rather than get frustrated, she giggled as she put the bowl back in its proper place. ‘Oh, that Mars...’ Ariana smiled while trying to find open berries she could eat. Her luck turned up once she spotted a small container that contained salac berries. Though salac berries were known to be both sweet and sour, Ariana didn’t mind the flavor. So she took the container from the fridge and got a plastic cup from the counter. While she filled the cup with water from the faucet, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

    “Wha’cha making, Ari?” a girl’s voice asked.

    Ariana turned around and she saw a girl with red hair and eyes like her own, except her friend’s hair was less curly and a bit shorter. This girl was Mars and she was Ariana’s best friend. The teenaged commander smiled at her friend while holding a small laundry basket. She was still in her Galactic uniform, a small and white hooped dress with blackish gray leggings.

    “I’m mixing water with some leftover salac berries,” Ariana started to say as she turned to her water. “I wanted a soda, but it was snatched from me by a cruel force of nature that called me fat. So I decided on a nice berry flavored water drink. Since you are using the kasib berries for whatever you were making for Saturn, I’m using these salac berries. Which makes me wonder, where the heck do you find these?”

    “Sweet and sour water? You’re a weird girl…” Mars giggled. “Well, it started when Saturn took me to Join Avenue and bought me the kasib berries along with growth mulch. I started planting them and now I got many. His mother would sometimes go to the Hoenn region to visit with her relatives so she sends me some rare berries from there. Two months ago, she sent me those salac berries so I started to plant them.”

    Ariana smiled as she listened to what her friend told her. All the while, she was taking five of the salac berries and poking their sides with a knife. She dropped them in one by one, allowing the juices to flow from them into the water.

    “Lucky you! I’ve never been to Join Avenue but I’ve heard that it was nice,” the woman commented as she closed the container of berries and put them away in the refrigerator.

    “It’s between Route 4 and Nimbasa City. I heard that it replaced one of the gates,” the commander stated. “You should go there. I’ll ask Saturn to take me there again, this time with you as well. Anyway, I’m folding some laundry so I’ll be in the room in a sec.”

    Ariana nodded as she watched Mars walk into the room she shared with her boyfriend and closed the door behind her. The woman took her glass of water and proceeded to retire to the guest room she came out of. She closed the door behind her and walked towards the bed in the middle of the room. The room itself was rather a dull, plain room with just the necessities for a guest to be comfortable. She set the glass on the night stand as she crawled into bed and picked up her P-Phone.

    During this time, a nice fruity drink and a game of Jigsaw Detective went well together. While she did pucker at the sourness of her drink, she still did not mind it as she kept sipping it slowly.


    ..

    Thirty minutes passed and Ariana was still immersed in her puzzle game. So much so that she didn’t notice anything else around her, not even her best friend coming into the room. The woman did sense a presence right next to her however; she was so into finishing her game, she did not care to look. Until a hand appeared out of nowhere and snatched her phone right out of her hand. Her eyes widened as she turned to her left and saw Mars, standing next to her bedside with a scowl.

    Ari-ana, I’ve been calling you since I got here!” the commander yelled as she waved her friend’s phone.

    “Okay, you got my attention. Now give me back my phone!” Ariana raised her voice as she attempted to grab her phone.

    However, Mars took two steps back while holding the phone over her head. “I paused your game. I’m not mean. I’ll give you your phone back after I talk to you.”

    The executive nodded as she proceeded to listen to her friend. She did notice that she was wearing a plain long shirt, which looked like it belonged to her boyfriend.

    “Now, I got most of the stuff to make my Christmas meals for Saturn and me. All I need are the ingredients to make the kasib muffins. These were requested so I am going to make them. Now, Ari I need you to wake me up at five o’ clock in the morning. Got it?”

    Ariana nodded with a smile. “Sure, but why?”

    Because, the Driftveil Market opens at that time and Christmas shopping is going to be crazy,” Mars explained. “After that, we need to start cooking right away since Saturn gets up around seven thirty. Now, as I said, please wake me up at that time. You are coming with me so you need to get dressed at that time as well. Remember… five o’ clock.”

    “Of course!” the woman exclaimed. “I’ll remember. I usually get up that early for work so it works out.”

    Mars smiled as she gave Ariana back her P-Phone, with her jigsaw game paused. They gave each other a short embrace and a kiss on the lips goodnight. As soon as her friend proceeded to crawl into bed for the night, the redheaded woman resumed to her game until she started to feel drowsy.


    ..

    It was 5:15 AM.

    Ariana opened her eyes and stared at the blank wall for a few seconds. She was on her side, with one arm around Mars. Her friend was curled up on her side, sleeping soundly while her purugly was on the edge of the bed, curled up on her side. Ariana rubbed her eyes as she slowly started to sit up on the edge of her bedside.

    “I can’t remember… but…” she whispered to herself while standing up to stretch. “Wasn’t there something I was supposed to do?”

    The woman reached for her phone that was resting on the nightstand as she was trying to think. What was she supposed to do when she woke up? She looked at her phone while getting back into bed. However she propped her pillows to where she could comfortably sit up straight. Her jigsaw game was brought up on the screen and began to play it for a little while.

    ‘Well until I can remember, I’ll play a little game here to help me focus…’


    ..

    It was 6:40 AM

    Ariana was still on her phone; however she was not playing Jigsaw Detective. She was playing a game that involved popping bubble wrap. It seemed like a boring game, but to the executive, it was an addicting game and it helped pass the time. She smiled as she was touching the screen to pop the individual bubbles. All was well until she felt a tap on her right arm.

    “Ariana, turn that game down,” Mars muffled as she turned over on her back. “And… what time is it?”

    The woman glanced over at the left hand corner of her phone. When she did, however, her ruby reds widened when she saw the time: 6:41 AM. It then hit her like a ton of bricks. ‘Wake me up at five, got it?’ Mars’ voice echoed in her head. Ariana looked around nervously, trying to avoid answering her question.

    “Ariana!” Mars yelled. “Answer me, NOW!”

    Ariana jumped when her friend raised her voice. She was scared to the point where she had to tell her. “It-Its 6:43…?”

    “6:43?!” Mars screamed as she bolted out of bed.

    The Rocket executive also bolted out of bed, but in response to her friend’s tone. She stood there, looking Mars in the eye. In her eyes, Ariana saw anger mixed with frustrated tears coming from her ruby reds. Mars also had on a glare so menacing that it made the older woman shake in her socks. She could feel that she was angry with her for not waking her up. Normally, when her friend would get angry, she would snap out of it fast but this time... Ariana knew that this was for real, that Mars wasn't going to get over this soon.

    “Ariana, tell me. WHAT time did you get up?!” the girl screamed angrily.

    “I-I don’t know. I-I w-woke up at 5:15 I t-think…” the woman stuttered in fear. “I’m s-sorry, Mars. I really am.”

    “You know Ariana, I should slap you right now…” the commander responded in a voice that sounded as if she was seething. “You were TOO BUSY playing your stupid game, were you?”

    The executive nodded in shame as she dropped her phone to the ground. She couldn’t even look her friend in the eye anymore, she was so ashamed. She stood there, shaking, and her face turning red in embarrassment. Ariana was so embarrassed; she actually wanted Mars to slap her. Because if she did, then the stinging would make part of the embarrassment go away.

    “Get dressed,” Mars said angrily as she threw Ariana’s clothes to her.
    Last edited by はるひ; 19th January 2013 at 3:17 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    The Enterprise
    Posts
    2,856

    Default

    I always love these fics about the villianous teams.
    Granted, I have no clue who arianna is, but... XD
    BTW (i might have missed this) but where does the story take place? at team plasma's hideout? a team galactic hidout in Unova? (most likely)
    Keep up the good work.
    #AlphaSapphire
    I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
    If you have a question about my religion, or wish to discuss my religion, the Bible, or anything related to this topic, feel free to PM or VM me, take a look at the information in my profile or visit our official website.

  3. #3

    Default

    if you have played heartgold or soulsilver, Ariana is the girl from the radio tower mission and the maghony base.

    anyway, yeah this takes place in team galactic's headquarters in unova (castelia city to be exact)
    岩根雅明=♡

  4. #4

    Default

    The pair soon arrived, by Pokemon, to the market. The Driftveil Market was huge and crowded as there were many people coming from in and out the store. Mars took out her Poke-ball and returned her crobat. While the woman and the girl both looked at the store and its large crowd, Mars got in front of her friend and then turned to her. Without saying a word, Mars glared at Ariana for a few seconds before turning to the store. She grabbed the woman’s hand and proceeded to walk towards the busy market.

    Ariana could now see what Mars was talking about when she said the market was going to be busy. They even had a difficult time getting through the crowd as they kept bumping in to people. The woman apologized along the way as some people’s groceries were bumped out of their hands. Ariana wanted to slow down; however, Mars had a strong grip on her hand. Plus, she knew that she couldn’t separate from her best friend, not in this crowd.

    As they finally got to the entrance of the market, Mars lets go of her friend’s hand. However, they saw that the inside of the store was no different than the outside, Crowds and crowds of people cluttered the place. They stood there for a few minutes, until a familiar voice called out to one of them.

    “Ariana!” a girl’s voice called out from behind.

    Ariana’s eyes widened as she turned around and saw a girl running towards her. She had dark purple hair, shaped into a bob cut and light brown eyes coupled with a black mini dress that had pink trim on the ends and a big red letter R on it. ‘Oh no, it’s Ellie… that must mean… he’s here as well!’ the redheaded woman thought as she took Mars’ hand and proceeded to try to run the other direction. However, Mars quickly yanked her hand from the woman’s grasp.

    “What do you think you’re doing?!” Mars yelled as she put her hands on her hips. “You KNOW what we came here for, right?!”

    Ariana nodded as sweat started to fall down her forehead. “Yes, but I really don’t want to be here. Please Mars, can we go?”

    While Mars continued to look into the store, Ariana quickly turned back to see Ellie coming closer and closer to her. The girl was a rookie executive for Team Rocket and she had a tray of cookies and slowpoke tails in her hands. Seeing the slowpoke tails meant only one thing to Ariana… ‘Proton’s here!’

    “Hey Ariana!” Ellie exclaimed as she reached the pair. “Did you know about the Team Rocket bake sale that we are having here? Want one?”

    As the executive held the tray right in front of them, Mars looked over at the tray and grimaced at the slowpoke tails. “Eww… what ARE those?”

    “Slowpoke tails... they aren’t gross, Mars. You haven’t even tried one!” Ellie exclaimed. “Anyway, you should try one! Proton made them. I made the cookies, which they are Proton’s favorite! They have oran berries in them!”

    While Ellie closed her eyes and still smiled at the pair, Mars gave her a menacing glare. Ariana could sense that the younger girl mentioning cooking and her boyfriend must have triggered the events in Mars’ mind. One thing that the girls had in common was that they were both cooks. However, while they both liked to cook for their respective partners, Mars only liked to cook for Saturn and sometimes her friend while Ellie enjoyed cooking for her whole team. The older girl’s fists started to clench as Ariana began to take a step back. And then…

    SHOVE!

    Mars pushed Ellie’s tray into the younger girl. The force was so great that the executive actually fell to the ground. Loose cookies and slowpoke tails spilled on the side of the road. Ellie looked at the spilled mess and then looked at Mars with a teary look. Ariana quickly knelt down and helped the rookie pick up the food that was spilled from the tray. While she was just about finishing, the woman felt a tap on her shoulder. The executive quickly got up and turned to her best friend, who had a scowl on her face. Before they could talk, Ellie began to cry. Tears started to form in her eyes as she looked at her tray.

    “… Mars knocked me down…” the younger girl cried as she began to run off. “And she ruined my food…”

    Ariana, once again, turned to her best friend as she moved her right hand up and down her left arm. “Mars, that was pretty mean. I mean, doing party trays like those are her pride and joy…”

    “Hmph! Well, now wasn’t the time for her to shove her cooking in my face, especially when I have my own cooking to do!” Mars said angrily. “Anyway, stay here! I’ll be back…”

    Ariana watched as Mars stormed inside the store, pushing a few people that were in her way. She managed to find a bench that was near the store. So the executive proceeded to head towards the bench and sat there. Feeling bored, she took out her P-Phone from her bag and began to play a little game of Jigsaw Detective… just until Mars came back.


    ..

    Forty minutes have passed and Mars still hasn’t shown up. Ariana had already played five games and had become bored. She put her phone always as she began to stand up and stretch herself out. While she began to sit back down, she felt a string of freezing cold water going on to her side followed by another familiar voice coming towards her.

    “So it’s true, the Dork Duo is here…” a boy’s voice said.

    Ariana looked up and saw a boy standing right in front of her. He was another executive, a low ranking one, about sixteen with aqua hair. His uniform, like Ellie’s, was also black and had a big red R in the front. However, his uniform had white trim on the sleeves. This executive was none other than Proton, the guy who would always make fun of Ariana. He held a small water gun in his hand while he remained poker-faced.

    “So, Dorko… I heard that your bestest pal, Doofus, shoved my girlfriend,” Proton said in a stern voice. “I guess she was too scared to try the slowpoke tails.”

    “Proton, Mars wasn’t scared,” Ariana asserted. “She had to do her own cooking, that’s all. She didn’t really mean to shove Ellie.”

    Proton crossed his arms while he shook his head side to side. “Whatever, Ariana. You really are dumb, are you? Do me a favor and keep that gonzo girl away from my Ellie. Understood?”

    The woman shook her head yes while she was twiddling her thumbs. The boy then narrowed his aqua eyes, which caused Ariana to flinch a little. She knew that Proton didn’t like it when people answered him with head shakes. He preferred an auditory response from the person he was talking to.

    “Yes, Proton,” Ariana responded.

    “Good…” the male executive said as he started to walk away.

    The higher ranked executive watched as Proton began to walk away from the bench. However, he stopped for a few seconds and looked over his shoulder. The woman was alert as she widened her eyes. And then, he turned and proceeded to spray her once again with his water gun. This time, he did it directly in her face. As he laughed and walked away, the woman used her shirt to dry the water off of her face. When she finished drying herself off, she opened her eyes to see a person she was anxious to see.

    It was Mars, and she stood there with a scowl on her face. She had three bags of groceries on the ground and her arms were crossed. ‘She’s still mad… something must have gone wrong…’

    “Did you get everything on your list?” Ariana asked.

    Mars just stood there, staring her down. The woman could see the fire burning in the girl’s eyes. The commander clenched her fist and when she did that, Ariana’s eyes began to widen.

    “Yes… except for one thing…” Mars began to say angrily. “They… they were out of… out of FLOUR!”

    Mars yelled so loud, that not only did it startle Ariana, but the rest of the crowd began to look their way. Even the Team Rocket members from the other side of the bench were looking over. Ariana’s face turned beat red as she began to bury her head in her arms.

    “You see, Ariana, I need flour to make Saturn’s muffins,” Mars explained in a voice that sounded as if she was seething. “Flour is essential to baking. Without it… you might as well not make them since it helps the dough rise. And because of you and your lack of responsibility, Saturn won’t have his Christmas muffins, how about that?! I’m so angry… I’m so angry… that I-I can’t cry!”

    Ariana sat up on the bench and faced her friend and her rage. “Mars… how about you buy muffins already made?”

    “NO!” Mars shouted. “Saturn likes it when I make them from scratch. So do I…”

    “How about you buy muffin mix and put the-“Ariana started to suggest. However she was quickly cut off by the angry commander.

    “UMMM… what did I say?!” the girl shouted. “What did I say?!

    Ariana let out a heavy sigh as she rested her head on her hand. ‘Mars is making this harder than it really is. I mean, it’s just muffins…’ the executive thought as she looked up at her friend once more. This time, both of her fists were clenched as she began pumping them. Mars’ eyes were closed tightly as she shook in anger. The redheaded woman held on to the side of her skirt. The Galactic commander opened her eyes, and then the unthinkable happened.

    SLAP!

    Mars slapped Ariana on the side of her face… hard. The beginnings of frustrated tears began to well in her eyes as she stared the older woman down. Ariana on the other hand didn’t cry, but was very embarrassed. People began to stop and stare at the pair and the Team Rocket members, well some of them, began to laugh.

    “There! Wanted to get that out of my system…” Mars said. “Let’s go…”

    Mars began to head out and Ariana proceeded to follow her. It was best that she had done so.


    ..

    The pair arrived back at Team Galactic’s headquarters. Ariana followed Mars inside the building. As they went inside, they spotted a blue haired man, sitting at the dining room table with Mars’ purugly in his arms. As soon as he saw Mars, he got up from the chair and proceeded to put the cat down. His hair was up in a pointy fashion and was wearing his Team Galactic uniform. This man was Saturn, and he was Mars’ boyfriend. Mars sets her groceries on the ground and proceeded to run into the commander’s arms.

    “Welcome back Mars… purugly was meowing for you. I don’t know what you feed her so I waited for you,” Saturn started to say. He then noticed that Mars seemed to be sniffling while burying her head in his chest. “What’s wrong?”

    “All I wanted was to make a Christmas breakfast, lunch and dinner for you. That was what I wanted. And there was no flour at the store, so I couldn’t make your muffins,” Mars cried as she looked her partner in the eye. “It’s all Ariana’s fault! She was supposed to wake me up at five but she didn’t because she was too busy playing on her phone. Now they are out of flour! Now my Christmas is ruined!”

    Mars cried as she ran to the room she shared with Saturn and slammed the door behind her. Ariana bowed her head in shame; it finally sunk in that Mars won’t be able to make her muffins that she wanted. It didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but now it was. Because all she wanted was for her partner to be happy. Since Mars felt that she couldn’t make that happen, she wasn’t happy.

    “I am so sorry,” the woman started to say. “It is indeed my fault…”

    “No, Ariana, I don’t think it’s your fault,” Saturn said as he came over and started to rub Ariana’s back. “Mars tends to make a big deal out of things. She’s making this harder than it seems. It’s like not like anyone forced her to make muffins. I’m going to go talk to her…”

    The executive nodded as the male commander proceeded to go into his bedroom. Once he was gone, Ariana walked over to the guest room she was staying in and sat down on her bed. She rested her head on the pillows while many thoughts were going through her head. She couldn’t shake the fact that she had ruined things for Mars… and by accident to boot. Was there a way to fix this?

    ‘There’s got to be a way to fix this! If flour is needed for baking, can there be a replacement?’ the executive thought as her eyes began to widen. ‘Replacement… wait, maybe there IS a replacement for flour!’ Ariana quickly got out her phone and proceeded to pull of the Goggles search engine. From there, she typed in ‘replacement for flour’ and pressed go.


    ..

    It took her fifteen minutes to find a good search but she managed to find something. She pulled up a cooking blog that was featuring oatmeal. They blogged that one thing people could do with oatmeal was to make flour out of it. Ariana smiled at her phone screen as she read through the whole blog. She found what she was looking for when she saw instructions on how to turn oatmeal into flour.

    “Add one cup at a time of old fashioned oats,” the woman read off the page. “Put it into a blender and on high, pulse it until it becomes the consistency of flour…”

    Ariana put her phone down on the nightstand as she proceeded to jump out of bed. She ran out of her room and stopped in front of Saturn’s door. While she knocked a few times, she thought to herself ‘I know they must have oatmeal! I’ve seen Mars make it for Saturn once…’ While the woman thought the door would never open, it did… and it was Saturn.

    “Is Mars around?” the executive asked. “I found a solution to her muffin problem.”

    While Saturn nodded, Ariana glanced over at the big water bed and saw Mars getting out of it. However, she was wearing a different outfit than before. Her dress was red and had fluffy red trimming on the bottom and sleeves. It was coupled with white stocking and red fur boots. She came to the door, poker-faced as she crossed her arms.

    “What do you want?” Mars asked with frustration rising in her voice.

    “Mars, I found a solution to your muffin problem,” the redhead said with a smile. “You need oats for this. All you need to do is put them in a blender and you have oat flour! Want to try it? I read it on a cooking blog.”

    Mars uncrossed her arms as her eyes widened. She then went out of her room and straight to the cupboard. After the girl brought out a stool to stand on, she opened it and pulled out a bag of oats from the bottom shelf and a small blender from the middle shelf. Mars jumped off the stool and smiled at her friend.

    “So I can grind oats to make oat flour, eh?” she asked. “If so that means I can make those muffins after all! Come on, Ariana you help me get the stuff out and I’ll start cooking.”

    While the executive went over to help her friend with the cooking, Mars was setting the oven to 350 and turning on the stove as well. The pair both smiled at each other while preceding the get out the ingredients from the bags.


    ..

    Thirty minutes passed by and Mars just pulled the muffins from the oven. Ariana took a jar of homemade kasib jam and a tub of butter and set it in the middle of the dining table. Saturn smiled at the woman as she went back and put the salt and pepper shaker on the table as well. While her boyfriend sat at the table and waited patiently, Mars quickly transferred the muffins from the pan to a plate.

    “Ariana, you need to put the omelet on a plate and take the bread from the toaster,” Mars instructed as she sets the plate of muffins on the table. “When you’re done, leave it there.”

    Ariana nodded as she quickly went over to the stove and turned it off. From there, she grabbed a plate from the cupboard and proceeded to slide the omelet on to it. She then went over to the toaster and took out the two toasted slices of homemade white bread and set it on the plate as well. After she was done, she pulled out a chair proceeded to plop down on it. While she wiped the sweat off her forehead, she couldn’t help but notice the muffins. The aroma exerting from them was quite relaxing and also triggered her senses. However, as Ariana was about to reach for a muffin, they tray as pulled away from her.

    “NO! These are Saturn’s muffins!” Mars yelled as she held the plate of muffins. “You have to ask first…”

    Ariana lets out an annoyed sigh as she looked over at Saturn. He nodded yes as Mars puts the muffins back on the table. While the woman took a muffin off the plate and bit into it, her friend was putting the finishing touches on the plate she was working on. Finally, she took the plate, complete with a fork and knife, with a glass of orange juice and sets it in front of Saturn. Before he ate however, she bent over and gave him a kiss on the lips.

    “Merry Christmas, Saturn!” Mars exclaimed. “I love you so much and I hope you enjoy. This is probably the best breakfast I’ve made for you so far!”

    “Well, Merry Christmas to you to Mars!” the blue haired man said with a smile. “I love you to and you always make the best meals.”

    While Saturn dug into his meal, Mars ran over to her best friend and proceeded to give her a big hug. “Merry Christmas, Ariana! You’re my best friend and I love you. I really, really care about you and I’m sorry for acting like a jerk to you this morning.”

    As they gave each other a kiss on the lips, Ariana grew teary eyed as she put her hands on her friend’s waist. “I love you to, Mars. And I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.”

    “Don’t sweat it, Ari!” the girl exclaimed as she went back to the stove to turn it on. “Now, how do you like your eggs?”

    THE END
    岩根雅明=♡

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Kalos
    Posts
    4,731

    Default

    This story had some entertaining parts, the soda confrontation was pretty amusing. However, the amount of errors is just ridiculous, if I went through and picked out every grammatical flaw I'd have ripped apart the whole story. Don't take it the wrong way but a lot of lines in this story are writhed with mistakes that really make it hard to focus on the story. I also think all-around you needs more detail and description and a better set-up. There were a few points in the story where I wondered, why is this happening? Why's this doing this? What's up with this? I just think you should take a little more time to really write the story and proofread it next time before you release it. Ariana, Jupiter, and Mars having shenanigans together sounds like a fun comedic fic. idea, however I think we both know you can execute the idea much, much better than what I just read. I wish I could make this review longer, but there isn't much to say. I think all around you should work on improving just about everything, please don't take that the wrong way. Otherwise the idea was good, just needs some fine-tuning.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    1,594

    Default

    As promised, I'm back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    Rating: PG-13 for cursing, mild physical harm and petty bullying
    I'll get to this in the main review.
    And I know that the Driftveil Market doesn't sell food in the games but I kinda... pulled some strings.
    I don’t think this is anything that needs a special mention, personally. There are a lot of things needed for the world to work that aren’t represented in the games (I cannot recall a single grocery store) that blend in to a “real” version of the world found in fanfic without needing to make special note of it. A marketplace like in Driftveil would likely sell food; it’s just not important to the game character (who doesn’t eat) so it doesn’t appear.

    It was 11:30 PM on Christmas Eve as everyone in Team Galactic’s headquarters were all ready to retire to their respective bedrooms. A woman with shoulder length, curly red hair and a short, white lacey nightgown came from one of the rooms and headed towards the kitchen. Her name was Ariana and she was there to spend the night with her best friend. She smirked as she reached the refrigerator and began to open the door. She knelt down while scanned her eyes up and down the shelves.
    Where I live, it’s usually fairly cold on Christmas Eve, so I’m not sure how much sense it makes to wear a nightgown more suited to the summer months.

    That said, well done on introducing the character’s name earlier instead of relying on other words for most of the early paragraphs. It helps it read more smoothly, and the way you worked it in is pretty good.

    The idea of a Team Rocket executive spending the night at Team Galactic’s HQ is kind of questionable, however. You say that they’re allies and that Ariana and Mars are best friends in passing, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that says why these different teams would be willing to let members from the others into their headquarters (where sensitive information is) or how these two got to be friends in the first place. I’m not against the idea of the Teams being allied with each other, but you’ll need to show the intermediary steps that brought them to this moment at some point.

    Especially since in the canon universes where they interact, the teams are usually rivals of each other (as in the anime) or send agents in undercover to steal information from the others (as in the Pokémon Adventures manga). And yes, both of these examples are about Teams Rocket and Galactic. If there’s a canon-verse where they’re allies, I am not aware of it. As such, it would be a good idea to establish how/why they are OK with each other in your fic-verse rather than just dropping the reader into a point after they have made this alliance.
    “Well, darn. I was hoping they would have a good drink around here,” she said to herself as she as her ruby reds were still scanning the shelves and the side door.
    Looks like an extra “as she” managed to sneak in there.

    Ariana kept looking until she finally spotted a green can of what seemed to be soda on the middle of the top shelf. She smiled as her hand quickly reached for the can of soda. However, while she managed to grab one side of the green can, another hand with pink nails grabbed the other side of it and proceeded to pull on it.
    Two things here.
    1) I’m not sure if there’s any need to say “what seemed to be” before you describe it as soda, especially since everything after that points to it actually being soda. It’s not something else masquerading as soda, so it doesn’t “seem to be” soda, it is soda.

    2) Most refrigerators have relatively small openings. Ariana would likely notice someone else reaching in after the same soda well before their hand touches it because, well, the other person would be leaning in the same small space and would likely end up pressing her body against Ariana in the process. Shy of a Ghost-type phasing its hand through one of the fridge’s walls, Ariana would notice someone else after the soda long before their hand reaches it.
    “Let go, little girl!” the familiar voice frustratingly said. “Can’t you see this is my soda?”

    The Rocket executive looked up and saw a familiar face, towering over her with a scowl. While she tried to pull the can towards her, Ariana quickly got up from the kneeling position and placed her other hand on the can. The younger, taller woman she was struggling with was none other than Jupiter, a commander on Team Galactic. With her long, back length, dark pink hair down, her sharp dark pink eyes, her checkered patterned nightgown which was long sleeved and skimpy coupled with an hourglass figure, she was a very beautiful woman.

    Ariana often would get intimidated by Jupiter’s strength and beauty and tonight was no different. However, her quenching thirst for the soda prevented to loosening her grip in intimidation.

    “Hey, I found it first!” Ariana retaliated. “Therefore, it’s mine!”

    “Um, no… this is my drink. I bought it,” Jupiter said with a snarl. “Want to know why? Because it’s diet soda. I’m actually trying to watch my figure. Of course, you don’t do that so you wouldn’t understand. I can tell.”
    This exchange made me cringe, to be honest. Real people don’t usually exchange insults about body appearance quite so readily as high-school stereotypes. This reads more like Jupiter’s just being petty to be the designated mean girl here rather than because it’s something she would actually say.

    If anything, she ought to claim it’s hers because she’s a member of Team Galactic and the soda in Team Galactic’s fridge (and thus bought by her team’s money), and thus a Rocket has no claim to it.

    Ariana being “often intimidated by Jupiter’s strength and beauty” just doesn’t sound in-character to me, and once again a skimpy nightgown seems out of place during what is one of the colder months of the year.

    Overall, the exchange between Ariana and Jupiter only really prompts a discussion about berries with Mars, which could have been prompted by other events without throwing around petty insults that look like they came from a bad high-school movie stereotype. For example, you could just cut to Mars coming in and asking what Ariana was making and Ariana giving the same reply “because there were no sodas left” when she got there. Or she could have been hungry for a midnight snack instead and looking for berries to eat instead of to flavor her water with, thus leaving out the soda argument entirely that way instead.

    Example:
    Your version
    “I’m mixing water with some leftover salac berries,” Ariana started to say as she turned to her water. “I wanted a soda, but it was snatched from me by a cruel force of nature that called me fat. So I decided on a nice berry flavored water drink. Since you are using the kasib berries for whatever you were making for Saturn, I’m using these salac berries. Which makes me wonder, where the heck do you find these?”
    Alternate version: “I’m mixing water with some leftover salac berries,” Ariana began as she turned to her water. “I wanted a soda, but there weren’t any left. So I decided on a nice berry flavored water drink. Since you are using the kasib berries for whatever you were making for Saturn, I’m using these salac berries. Which makes me wonder, where the heck do you find these?”

    See how not much changes aside from the removal of unnecessary weight insults?


    “Well, it started when Saturn took me to Join Avenue and bought me the kasib berries along with growth mulch. I started planting them and now I got many.
    “got” doesn’t work on its own in this context, despite often being thrown around like this on TV. “I’ve got” or “I have” would work better.

    “It’s between Route 4 and Nimbasa City. I heard that it replaced one of the gates,” the commander stated. “You should go there. I’ll ask Saturn to take me there again, this time with you as well. Anyway, I’m folding some laundry so I’ll be in the room in a sec.”
    Why would they need Saturn to take them? Couldn’t the two of them decide to go there together or on their own?

    I mean, if Saturn and Mars already had plans for a return trip together, mentioning Saturn taking them would make sense (“I’ll ask Saturn if he wouldn’t mind having you along when we revisit next week”). Otherwise, there’s no need for her to ask him to take her there again – she can just go and bring Ariana along.
    Thirty minutes passed and Ariana was still immersed in her puzzle game

    Ari-ana, I’ve been calling you since I got here!” the commander yelled as she waved her friend’s phone.
    Why does Mars wait a half-hour to request this, when she was just talking to Ariana? She could have asked Ariana this when they were both in the same room and paying attention to the other instead of waiting until Ariana’s sufficiently distracted by something else.
    The executive nodded as she proceeded to listen to her friend. She did notice that she was wearing a plain long shirt, which looked like it belonged to her boyfriend.
    So . . . she waited until Ariana was distracted so you could add implied off-screen lovemaking between the two conversations? I’m not sure that this is necessary, and even if it was why not just have her appear in the kitchen like that in the first place instead of interrupting the two conversations for it?

    “Now, I got most of the stuff to make my Christmas meals for Saturn and me. All I need are the ingredients to make the kasib muffins. These were requested so I am going to make them. Now, Ari I need you to wake me up at five o’ clock in the morning. Got it?”
    Does Mars not own an alarm clock? If she wants to wake up at a certain time, there’s no need for her to ask someone else to interrupt her own sleep to wake her.

    Because, the Driftveil Market opens at that time and Christmas shopping is going to be crazy,” Mars explained. “After that, we need to start cooking right away since Saturn gets up around seven thirty. Now, as I said, please wake me up at that time. You are coming with me so you need to get dressed at that time as well. Remember… five o’ clock.”
    And she just decides that Ariana is coming to, no matter whether Ariana had other plans or not, instead of offering Ariana the opportunity to come with her and Ariana accepting?

    Also, why doesn’t she already have the other ingredients when she already has the berries for it? Last minute shopping on a holiday should usually be avoided at all costs, so why does she only have some of the ingredients at this stage? It can’t be because Saturn requested it last minute because she already has the berries for it with a note saying what she’s planning on using them for.

    Also, Driftveil Market . . . I get that you like Unova as a setting, but have you ever established why Team Galactic has its Headquarters there or why the higher ups in Team Galactic and Team Rocket have all moved there and are now ignoring the operations in their home regions?

    Mars smiled as she gave Ariana back her P-Phone, with her jigsaw game paused. They gave each other a short embrace and a kiss on the lips goodnight.
    Why is Mars kissing Ariana on the lips when she’s also actively Saturn’s girlfriend? It sort of looks like Mars is cheating on Saturn with Ariana, and I’m not sure this is what you intend.
    It was 5:15 AM.

    Ariana opened her eyes and stared at the blank wall for a few seconds. She was on her side, with one arm around Mars. Her friend was curled up on her side, sleeping soundly while her purugly was on the edge of the bed, curled up on her side. Ariana rubbed her eyes as she slowly started to sit up on the edge of her bedside.
    Earlier you’d said Mars shared a room with Saturn, not with Ariana. This seems inconsistent.

    Also, does no one own an alarm clock? From the sounds of this, it looks like Ariana and Mars just expected Ariana to wake up on her own at 5 o’clock on the dot without anything to prompt her to do so.

    “I can’t remember… but…” she whispered to herself while standing up to stretch. “Wasn’t there something I was supposed to do?”

    The woman reached for her phone that was resting on the nightstand as she was trying to think. What was she supposed to do when she woke up? She looked at her phone while getting back into bed. However she propped her pillows to where she could comfortably sit up straight. Her jigsaw game was brought up on the screen and began to play it for a little while.

    ‘Well until I can remember, I’ll play a little game here to help me focus…’


    ..

    It was 6:40 AM

    Ariana was still on her phone; however she was not playing Jigsaw Detective. She was playing a game that involved popping bubble wrap. It seemed like a boring game, but to the executive, it was an addicting game and it helped pass the time. She smiled as she was touching the screen to pop the individual bubbles. All was well until she felt a tap on her right arm.
    Forgetting something due to being sleepy makes sense, but it seems like you just extended this to show off what games Ariana has on her phone. Knowing she has a couple of different games doesn’t add anything to the story and the same purpose could be served by having her just fall back to sleep because she was too tired to remember what she was supposed to do at 5 in the morning or a brief power-outage messing up the alarm clock that none of these people seem to know exists.

    This just makes Ariana look careless, as staying awake would likely make her more likely to remember what she was asked (as her mind became more alert as she woke up more), whereas just falling back to sleep before memory can kick on seems like a much more natural excuse.

    The woman glanced over at the left hand corner of her phone. When she did, however, her ruby reds widened
    In her eyes, Ariana saw anger mixed with frustrated tears coming from her ruby reds.
    “Reds” are not synonyms for eyes.
    Mars also had on a glare so menacing that it made the older woman shake in her socks. She could feel that she was angry with her for not waking her up. Normally, when her friend would get angry, she would snap out of it fast but this time... Ariana knew that this was for real, that Mars wasn't going to get over this soon.
    The idea that Mars somehow looks more threateningly angry than what a Team Rocket executive has likely dealt with to the point that she’s shaking . . . over something as simple as an extra hour and forty minutes of sleep when she could have set her own alarm instead of relying on someone else to wake up (also without an alarm) at the right time is ridiculous, to be blunt.

    When simple steps can avoid the drama (i.e. Mars and/or Ariana actually setting an alarm), the drama seems forced and the characters seem incompetent. Likewise, when someone getting mad about this is enough to scare an executive of one of the more ruthless Teams in the franchise just makes it look like Ariana isn’t as experienced as she should be by the time she reached that rank.

    “Ariana, tell me. WHAT time did you get up?!” the girl screamed angrily.

    “I-I don’t know. I-I w-woke up at 5:15 I t-think…” the woman stuttered in fear. “I’m s-sorry, Mars. I really am.”

    “You know Ariana, I should slap you right now…” the commander responded in a voice that sounded as if she was seething. “You were TOO BUSY playing your stupid game, were you?”

    The executive nodded in shame as she dropped her phone to the ground. She couldn’t even look her friend in the eye anymore, she was so ashamed. She stood there, shaking, and her face turning red in embarrassment. Ariana was so embarrassed; she actually wanted Mars to slap her. Because if she did, then the stinging would make part of the embarrassment go away.

    “Get dressed,” Mars said angrily as she threw Ariana’s clothes to her.
    Yeah, they’re not really acting like high-ranking individuals of anything right now. They’re acting like careless teens rather than like how their canonical personalities and ranks would suggest.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gothitelle K View Post
    As they finally got to the entrance of the market, Mars lets go of her friend’s hand. However, they saw that the inside of the store was no different than the outside, Crowds and crowds of people cluttered the place. They stood there for a few minutes, until a familiar voice called out to one of them.
    Lets is present tense, everything else so far has been past.

    On the bright side, I haven’t spotted other tense issues prior to this, so you’re getting better about those.

    The girl was a rookie executive for Team Rocket and she had a tray of cookies and slowpoke tails in her hands. Seeing the slowpoke tails meant only one thing to Ariana… ‘Proton’s here!’

    “Hey Ariana!” Ellie exclaimed as she reached the pair. “Did you know about the Team Rocket bake sale that we are having here? Want one?”
    Unfortunately a LOT of this scene just does not mesh well with the established universe. I’m going to point out a number of problems in quick succession, so I’m just warning you that I’m not saying this to pick on you, I’m saying this to point out legitimate issues with your work that need to be addressed properly in order for you to improve as a writer.

    Ready?

    A “rookie executive” doesn’t make a lot of sense. A “new executive” might, but being both a rookie (someone inexperienced) and an executive (a high rank that one needs experience to be promoted to) don’t really work well together.

    The reason cutting off and eating slowpoke tails are a big deal in the Johto games is because it’s pokémon cruelty. As such, they likely wouldn’t be cheerfully selling them to the general public in a legit market setting where everyone can see. It’s pretty clear from the games that selling slowpoke tails is a crime because it’s cruel to the slowpoke. Imagine someone selling dog or cat tails in the middle of a market or grocery store – it would seem fairly disturbing. Well, in the pokémon universe, a slowpoke is considered as pet-like as Mr. Fluffums the poodle, and it’s seen as an underground (i.e. criminal) business to harvest, sell, or eat these. It’s not something they’d promote in a public place.

    Selling them alongside cookies as nonchalantly as they do just increases how disturbing the scene is. This is especially true in a setting like Unova where the region has just undergone a major Pokémon-rights debate brought to the forefront by Team Plasma and N.

    Ariana being afraid of running into Proton makes no sense. They’re executives on the same team, so they should be used to working together. Her being intimidated by him doesn’t fit either of their established characters.

    Evil teams are not another word for clubs. They’re criminal organizations willing to break laws to achieve their goals. They don’t hold bake sales. Even if they did fundraise via cooking instead of stealing, they wouldn’t call it a “Team Rocket bake sale” because they’re criminals and no one would buy from them (and the police would be on them in a second). Even if some of the Teams managed to act like good guys until it was revealed otherwise, Team Rocket was not one of these. They were only ever portrayed as criminals in the games and did not pretend to be otherwise.

    “Slowpoke tails... they aren’t gross, Mars. You haven’t even tried one!” Ellie exclaimed. “Anyway, you should try one! Proton made them.
    No, slowpoke made them, the same way you made your arm. :/

    I’m not saying people in the pokémon world have to be vegetarians, I’m saying that something that was in the actual games considered cruel and illegal should not be promoted in a very public marketplace like there isn’t anything wrong with it.
    While Ellie closed her eyes and still smiled at the pair, Mars gave her a menacing glare. Ariana could sense that the younger girl mentioning cooking and her boyfriend must have triggered the events in Mars’ mind. One thing that the girls had in common was that they were both cooks. However, while they both liked to cook for their respective partners, Mars only liked to cook for Saturn and sometimes her friend while Ellie enjoyed cooking for her whole team. The older girl’s fists started to clench as Ariana began to take a step back. And then…

    SHOVE!

    Mars pushed Ellie’s tray into the younger girl. The force was so great that the executive actually fell to the ground. Loose cookies and slowpoke tails spilled on the side of the road. Ellie looked at the spilled mess and then looked at Mars with a teary look. Ariana quickly knelt down and helped the rookie pick up the food that was spilled from the tray. While she was just about finishing, the woman felt a tap on her shoulder. The executive quickly got up and turned to her best friend, who had a scowl on her face. Before they could talk, Ellie began to cry. Tears started to form in her eyes as she looked at her tray.
    We have something in common . . . therefore I’ll push you and ruin your food? How does this make any sense? Mars just shoves a total stranger unprovoked because she’s angry about Ariana waking her up late and they happen to share a hobby?

    This makes no sense and just makes Mars come off as mean-spirited and potentially mentally unstable. There is no need for this, and I doubt that it was the tone you were intending.

    Ariana, once again, turned to her best friend as she moved her right hand up and down her left arm. “Mars, that was pretty mean. I mean, doing party trays like those are her pride and joy…”

    “Hmph! Well, now wasn’t the time for her to shove her cooking in my face, especially when I have my own cooking to do!” Mars said angrily. “Anyway, stay here! I’ll be back…”
    You acknowledge that it was mean, but the fact that it was in all honesty unprovoked isn’t addressed. It’d be like ripping up a kids test because they got a better grade than you. It comes off as very petty and cruel and makes it look like Mars is really unstable. Ellie had no way of knowing Mars was having cooking-related issues, so Mars’s “defense” of her actions doesn’t excuse anything.

    You treat the incident like it’s wrong, but Mars doesn’t face any real consequences for it and there isn’t any real reason for it to have happened in the first place.

    Forty minutes have passed and Mars still hasn’t shown up.
    Looks like a few more tense issues managed to slip in – have and hasn’t are present tense.
    “So it’s true, the Dork Duo is here…” a boy’s voice said.

    Ariana looked up and saw a boy standing right in front of her. He was another executive, a low ranking one, about sixteen with aqua hair. His uniform, like Ellie’s, was also black and had a big red R in the front. However, his uniform had white trim on the sleeves. This executive was none other than Proton, the guy who would always make fun of Ariana. He held a small water gun in his hand while he remained poker-faced.

    “So, Dorko… I heard that your bestest pal, Doofus, shoved my girlfriend,” Proton said in a stern voice. “I guess she was too scared to try the slowpoke tails.”

    “Proton, Mars wasn’t scared,” Ariana asserted. “She had to do her own cooking, that’s all. She didn’t really mean to shove Ellie.”

    Proton crossed his arms while he shook his head side to side. “Whatever, Ariana. You really are dumb, are you? Do me a favor and keep that gonzo girl away from my Ellie. Understood?”

    The woman shook her head yes while she was twiddling her thumbs. The boy then narrowed his aqua eyes, which caused Ariana to flinch a little. She knew that Proton didn’t like it when people answered him with head shakes. He preferred an auditory response from the person he was talking to.

    “Yes, Proton,” Ariana responded.

    “Good…” the male executive said as he started to walk away.

    The higher ranked executive watched as Proton began to walk away from the bench. However, he stopped for a few seconds and looked over his shoulder. The woman was alert as she widened her eyes. And then, he turned and proceeded to spray her once again with his water gun. This time, he did it directly in her face. As he laughed and walked away, the woman used her shirt to dry the water off of her face. When she finished drying herself off, she opened her eyes to see a person she was anxious to see.
    Exactly how does someone get away with bullying someone who can just fire him, anyway? There is no reason for her to put up with being bullied by someone lower ranking than her, and no reason for him to feel like he can get away with it.

    These characters do not read like they are Ariana and Proton, they read like they are a high-school kid and high-school bully. These actions make no sense given the characters’ ranks and canon personalities.

    It was Mars, and she stood there with a scowl on her face. She had three bags of groceries on the ground and her arms were crossed. ‘She’s still mad… something must have gone wrong…’

    “Did you get everything on your list?” Ariana asked.

    Mars just stood there, staring her down. The woman could see the fire burning in the girl’s eyes. The commander clenched her fist and when she did that, Ariana’s eyes began to widen.

    “Yes… except for one thing…” Mars began to say angrily. “They… they were out of… out of FLOUR!”

    Mars yelled so loud, that not only did it startle Ariana, but the rest of the crowd began to look their way. Even the Team Rocket members from the other side of the bench were looking over. Ariana’s face turned beat red as she began to bury her head in her arms.

    “You see, Ariana, I need flour to make Saturn’s muffins,” Mars explained in a voice that sounded as if she was seething. “Flour is essential to baking. Without it… you might as well not make them since it helps the dough rise. And because of you and your lack of responsibility, Saturn won’t have his Christmas muffins, how about that?! I’m so angry… I’m so angry… that I-I can’t cry!”

    Ariana sat up on the bench and faced her friend and her rage. “Mars… how about you buy muffins already made?”

    “NO!” Mars shouted. “Saturn likes it when I make them from scratch. So do I…”

    “How about you buy muffin mix and put the-“Ariana started to suggest. However she was quickly cut off by the angry commander.

    “UMMM… what did I say?!” the girl shouted. “What did I say?!

    Ariana let out a heavy sigh as she rested her head on her hand. ‘Mars is making this harder than it really is. I mean, it’s just muffins…’ the executive thought as she looked up at her friend once more. This time, both of her fists were clenched as she began pumping them. Mars’ eyes were closed tightly as she shook in anger. The redheaded woman held on to the side of her skirt. The Galactic commander opened her eyes, and then the unthinkable happened.

    SLAP!

    Mars slapped Ariana on the side of her face… hard. The beginnings of frustrated tears began to well in her eyes as she stared the older woman down. Ariana on the other hand didn’t cry, but was very embarrassed. People began to stop and stare at the pair and the Team Rocket members, well some of them, began to laugh.

    “There! Wanted to get that out of my system…” Mars said. “Let’s go…”

    Mars began to head out and Ariana proceeded to follow her. It was best that she had done so.
    So Ariana is also bullied by her so-called friend? Friends, real friends, do not injure each other or bully each other. I don’t see why Ariana considers Mars a friend when she clearly doesn’t have any respect for her and bullies her to about the same degree Proton does.

    Heck, the only difference between the way Mars and Proton treat Ariana is that Mars claims to be her friend afterward, which doesn’t make the actions themselves any different. This is not a healthy relationship and not a situation Ariana’s canon personality would put up with.

    Mars sets her groceries on the ground and proceeded to run into the commander’s arms.
    Sets is present tense again, I’m afraid.

    “All I wanted was to make a Christmas breakfast, lunch and dinner for you. That was what I wanted. And there was no flour at the store, so I couldn’t make your muffins,” Mars cried as she looked her partner in the eye. “It’s all Ariana’s fault! She was supposed to wake me up at five but she didn’t because she was too busy playing on her phone. Now they are out of flour! Now my Christmas is ruined!”
    No, it isn’t Ariana’s fault that Mars waited until Christmas Day to go shopping, nor is it Ariana’s fault that Mars is incapable of setting her own alarm clock. Mars is using Ariana as an excuse, a punching bag, and a doormat all in the same story, none of which describe either Ariana or friendship.

    Mars cried as she ran to the room she shared with Saturn and slammed the door behind her. Ariana bowed her head in shame; it finally sunk in that Mars won’t (wouldn’t) be able to make her muffins that she wanted. It didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but now it was. Because all she wanted was for her partner to be happy. Since Mars felt that she couldn’t make that happen, she wasn’t happy.

    “I am so sorry,” the woman started to say. “It is indeed my fault…”
    And now Ariana acts like she’s been Stockholmed into believing it. Mars’s feelings are neither less nor more important than Ariana’s, and Ariana in canon would not submit to this and act like it was her fault. This is unhealthy, yet you write like they really are friends. This sort of relationship is not friendship, it’s abuse.

    Also calling Mars “her partner” once again brings up the confusion over whose girlfriend Mars is. Either pick one or the other, or have the characters acknowledge whether this is an open relationship or cheating.

    While Saturn nodded, Ariana glanced over at the big water bed and saw Mars getting out of it. However, she was wearing a different outfit than before. Her dress was red and had fluffy red trimming on the bottom and sleeves. It was coupled with white stocking and red fur boots. She came to the door, poker-faced as she crossed her arms.
    And is the costume change relevant to the events of the story in any way? Or just there to show that Mars owns a number of outfits? Stories don’t need random costume changes. Usually what the character is wearing doesn’t matter to the plot, and it doesn’t seem like it matters here.

    “Well, Merry Christmas to you to Mars!” the blue haired man said with a smile. “I love you to and you always make the best meals.”
    “Too,” not “to.”

    While Saturn dug into his meal, Mars ran over to her best friend and proceeded to give her a big hug. “Merry Christmas, Ariana! You’re my best friend and I love you. I really, really care about you and I’m sorry for acting like a jerk to you this morning.”

    As they gave each other a kiss on the lips, Ariana grew teary eyed as she put her hands on her friend’s waist. “I love you to, Mars. And I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.”

    “Don’t sweat it, Ari!” the girl exclaimed as she went back to the stove to turn it on. “Now, how do you like your eggs?”

    THE END
    No. Mars acts utterly horrible to her “friend” and a random stranger at the market and doesn’t face a single consequence for it. Worse, this behavior is treated like it’s totally normal and acceptable.

    Ariana isn’t really at fault for the main problems of the story because they could have been resolved with some forethought on Mars’s part (getting the ingredients before the last possible minute, bothering to set an alarm clock). Instead, Ariana internalizes that it’s all her fault and fixes things and everything ends happily ever after; the acts of abuse and unnecessary cruelty from Mars get rewarded rather than punished.

    Jupiter and Proton added nothing to the story other than to show that this version of Ariana is bullied by practically everyone and just takes it (despite her canon rank and personality making that out of the range of possibilities), and Ellie’s only there to be another person for Mars to bully unprovoked.

    Writing about bullies and abusive relationships is not the problem. The problem is that when you write these themes, you treat them like they’re the norm and okay when they’re actually serious issues and are very much not the right way to behave with one’s friends. Whether it’s from Latios or from Mars, it isn’t a subject that should be portrayed like it’s just fine.

    The initial parts of the story seemed to have potential – a last minute cooking gift that’s missing ingredients and the shenanigans that ensue could make for an interesting story. Where it falls apart is in Mars’s unnecessary and seemingly random rage against Ariana and Ellie, the lack of forethought about ingredients or alarm clocks, and the choice of characters to tell the story with. There’s not much in the story that makes it about Team Galactic and Team Rocket and pokémon are only mentioned in passing (purugly acting like any old cat, slowpoke as disembodied tails, crobat only being there as transportation) so I don’t see why it was even necessary to make it about these characters when they’re all acting out-of-character anyway.

    I’m sorry if I sound harsh and I don’t mean to come off as angry. Your grammar skills are improving, but where you really need to work on improving is your characterization and your handling of certain themes. Friends physically and verbally injuring each other is not something to be treated as lighthearted.
    Oh, look! I wrote a fanfic! Weak (One-Shot. Rated G). Can Iris convince Bianca that she can't just avoid her problems?

    And another one: Mischief (One-Shot. Rated G). A little fun for October.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •