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Thread: Pokémon: Mew and the Mysterious Draco Soul (Male's Story)

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  1. #1
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    Default Pokémon: Mew and the Mysterious Draco Soul (Male's Story)

    Personal Ratings
    This fiction has been rated PG-14 as it contains mild swearing and may be inappropriate for young audiences. If you wish to read the fiction but are too worried about the inappropriateness, always have your parents’ permission before doing so.
    Stories
    This fiction will be separated into 3 different stories. Currently, the only story available is the Male Story. And I will be working on this story first. The Female Story will be available soon after I finish this current one. There will also be a secret character’s story, but that will be a months or years to go from now. This fiction is the first fiction ever that is written by me, so please don't expect outstanding results, however, I will do my best to write as good as I can.

    Rules
    There are a few personal rules set on this thread as well. They will be listed below.

    1- All SPPF rules apply. For more information, click HERE

    2- All Fan Fiction rules apply. For more information, click HERE

    3- This fiction is NOT CANON. This means that the fiction is unofficial and is written for entertainment purpose only. So comments such as ”Butterfree can’t legitimately learn Fire Blast, you’re just making stuff up” or ”The Dragonairs that Lance had in Pokemon Adventure Manga had the ability to change the weather, where are all the moves?” are not allowed.

    4- This fiction contains Pokémon up to the 5th Generation only, so please don't say something like "Froakie is also a Water type starter you idiot."

    5- To all the respected readers. Please leave a positive or negative comment after reading a chapter. Feel free to be honest and tell me what I’ve done wrong so I can improve. However, as mentioned in the Fan Fiction rules, comments such as “You suck at writing! Stop posting this kind of stuff on the forum!” are not allowed. At least provide evidence to support your opinion.

    That’s all and I hope you enjoy the fiction.
    Index
    Chapter 1 = HERE
    Chapter 2 = HERE
    Chapter 3 = HERE
    Chapter 4 = HERE
    Chapter 5 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 6 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 7 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 8 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 9 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 10 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 11 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 12 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 13 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 14 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 15 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 16 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 17 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 18 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 19 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 20 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 21 = Link Currently Unavailable
    Chapter 22 = Link Currently Unavailable

    CHAPTER 1: Introduction.
    ”Just one more test to go, and I will be qualified as a Pokémon Trainer!” I said.

    ”But you should know, this final challenge is a really challenging one.” My father replied.

    ”I don’t care, I just want to get my first Pokémon like other young Trainers!” I said as in I wasn’t worry about the challenge.

    ”In that case, good luck.” My father said before I took my departure.

    ”Thanks Dad! I will prove to ya I have the qualities to be a good Trainer!” I replied while waving my hand to my father.



    My name is Zackry Bane. I'm normally known as Zack by my family members and my friends. As you know, I am a boy. I have blue eyes, spiky hair... Let me just cut to the chase. I am Professor Bane's only son. Ever since I was small, I've been lending a hand to my father's project.

    My father's goal was to create a better world where Pokémon can live happily with mankind without the barrier made by the Pokéballs. My father deeply believed that even though Pokéballs could be used as a convenient tool, there must be a chance that Pokéballs are not required for wild Pokémon to stay in a peaceful world with mankind. To achieve this dream, my father had to collect datas from a lot of Pokémon using the sophisticated PokéDex, also known as the Pokémon Encyclopedia.

    However, due to my young age and misunderstanding personality, my father didn't feel safe to give me my first Pokémon and let me start a Pokémon Journey. This was a major disappointment, but still, I had no choice but to wait until I've become bigger and more mature.

    Truth to be told, I'd always hated helping my dad with his research. This was mainly because all I did was researching and researching... it was exciting at the beginning, but as time went by, it started to get more and more boring. Until one day, which it was a week ago. I asked my father for the permission to start my first ever journey as a Pokémon Trainer, I also requested for my first Pokémon.

    However, things weren't that easy. It seemed that I had to pass a few tests to be able to be considered a Pokémon Trainer and officially own a Pokémon.

    ”Tests? No problem! I betcha I can pass with flying colours” That's what I told my father.

    Most of the challenges were a piece of cake, since I've been studying Pokémon with my father for a long time, basics such as weaknesses and resistances, physical attacks and special attacks and others were absolutely no problem to me.


    Until the time for the final challenge. I had to venture into the deepest part of the Evergrowing Forest, a big forest to the west of Biginia Town, to pick up 1 Cheri Berry, 3 Oran Berries and 1 Sitrus Berry.

    Yes, the word Beginia came from the word Beginner, which means the starting point for new trainers destined for different but meaningful journeys, it's also the place where the Bane's lab was located.

    If I could successfully complete this challenge, I would be given a Pokémon and the permission to go on a Pokémon Journey.

    Professor Bane, my father, had sent a girl to accompany me during the test due to her early acquisition of a Pokémon. Her name is Rayla Victor as known as Ray. She is one of my childhood best friends, my family has known her for a long time, the same way goes to her family.

    However, her father was said to always have important business overseas that he couldn’t come visit us often. To be honest, I haven’t seen Ray’s father before, Guess he must be unbelievably busy.


    The time had come for me to complete my test. I ran towards Evergrowing Forest.


    Location: Evergrowing Forest, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 3:00 p.m.
    Weather: Clear
    Season: Summer


    The tall trees in the forest blocked most of the sunlight, even though it was summer, It's still pretty dark in there.

    I walked into the entrance of the Evergrowing Forest. I knew that I had to be really careful since wild Pokémon might attack me. After walking for a distance, I saw something shining in the deep forest.

    I walked towards the shining spot slowly and calmly. I could feel the spiky Tall Grasses hurting me. But that didn’t bother me.

    I saw 3 Oran Berries on the ground when I was walking, so I took them, kept them safely, and continue my search.

    As I was walking, I noticed that there were a lot of wild Pokémon like Exeggcute, Oddish, Shrromish and Venonat, but they seemed to be resting, this was probably because of the hot weather during the summer, everyone just didn’t have the energy to fight and just felt like lying down and rest.

    This was a golden opportunity, so I started the move faster and looked for the remaining berries. After a long time of searching, I sat down, took out a bottle of Lemonade I brought along, and started drinking it to regain my energy. I could easily feel sweat trickling down my head and my back, but that wouldn’t stop me from continuing my search.

    But then I thought, instead of finding the berries, I could find out which Pokémon had odds of holding one. So I took out my Pokémon records and started reading through.

    ”Aren’t you going to continue your search? Why are you sitting down and reading a book?” Rayla asked.

    ”I am going to, but instead of finding the berries itself, we can find Pokémon holding them.” I replied.

    And so I began to read through the berries section.

    ”C… C… C… got it! Cheri Berry. This berry can cure paralysis. When used as a Natural Gift, it will become a Fire-type move.” I mumbled to myself.

    ”Aha! Got it! Wild Emolgas have a really high odds of holding one,” I said.

    ”Emolga eh? Well, I’ve seen some Emolgas flying around deep in this forest before. Follow me.” Rayla stood up and said, and then started to walk into the deeper part of Evergrowing Forest.

    ”So uh… Zack?” Rayla asked suddenly while we were moving.

    ”Yes?” I answered curiously.

    ”Have you ever thought of the Starter Pokémon you might choose if you pass this test?” Rayla asked.

    ”Hmm… come to think about it, I haven’t thought of this yet,” I answered. “But all I know is we need to focus on the test right now.”

    Suddenly, I thought of another idea…

    ”Hey Rayla, do you have an electric type Pokémon with you?” I asked.

    "Yes… I have this Electrike with me. Why’d you ask?” She asked back.

    ”I’ve checked the Habitat List of Evergrowing Forest before. It seems that the only Electric type Pokémon living here is Emolga…”

    I then knelt down and touched Electrike’s fur softly, I could feel a little electrical static on its fur.

    ”Bingo!” I said. Rayla seemed to be confused.

    END OF CHAPTER 1
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 23rd January 2013 at 7:04 AM.

  2. #2
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    Chapter 2: The Challenge

    Pokédex: 6

    I started looking for a Hidden Grotto nearby. Fortunately, my sharp eye noticed there was one right behind me.

    ”Electrike! Use Thundershock on this tree!” I shouted, Since Rayla approved, Electrike started to charge up and fired a Thundershock towards the Hidden Grotto.

    As expected, an Emolga flew out of the grotto at a really high speed and fired Thundershock at Electrike.

    ”Electrike! Protect!” I shouted instantly.

    A shield covered Electrike’s body, protecting it from being shocked.

    The Emolga landed on the ground, preparing its battling stance. Sparks could be seen releasing from its cheek, looked like it was really angry.

    ”Ray! Lend me a hand!” I said.

    Rayla handed a Pokéball to me.

    I opened the Pokéball, and Rayla's Kadabra appeared from it. This Kadabra... It was the one Rayla's mother gave her when she was having a vacation at Kanto!

    ”Kadabra! Here!” I picked up a stick on the ground and handed it over to it.

    It took the stick from my hand and nodded to me. Even though I wasn’t its trainer, it seemed to understand my plan. This was mainly because of its Synchronize ability.

    ”Rayla, stay calm, we can’t battle them directly, they are too fast.” I said.

    Kadabra had known what was in my mind. It secretly casted a Miracle Eye to take aim at the enemies.

    ”Ray, we can start the battle now, ask Electrike to keep it busy!” I told Rayla, “Whatever you do, don’t use Electric-type attacks.”

    ”Got it!” Rayla answered. “Electrike! Quick Attack!”

    Electrike started to run as fast as possible, tackling the Emolga under high speed.

    The Emolga got immobilized for a second, it seemed to be paralyzed, at that second, I shouted,

    ”Kadabra, now!
    Kadabra then closed its eyes as it was holding the stick I gave it. As he started to focus in deep thought, it swapped the Cheri Berry to Kadabra's possession
    Emolga regained balance, and started to use Double Team and made hundreds of copies to surround us.

    ”It’s no use, Emolga.” I said confidently.

    ”What do you have in mind?” Rayla asked.

    ”See for yourself.” I replied with a smile.

    ”Kadabra! Attack now!” I said right after that.

    Kadabra released a Psybeam, and successfully hit the original Emolga. All other copies disappeared suddenly and the Emolga was dizzy.

    Now’s the chance!

    ”Kadabra, Teleport!” Kadabra used its teleportation ability to teleport us back to the entrance of Beginia Forest.

    ”Phew… that was close…” I said with a sigh of relief.

    ”At least we are safe now.” Ray answered.

    ”Let’s continue to find the last Sitrus Berry.” I said.

    And so we continued to explore the forest to find a Sitrus Berry.

    ”Hey Zack, how did you even encounter an Emolga that quickly? What’s the magic?” Ray asked.

    ”There was no magic, by feeling Electrike’s fur, I could know that this Pokémon’s ability was Static. According to my father’s research, Static increases the odds of encountering an Electric-type Pokémon. And the only Electric-type Pokémon around here is Emolga.” I said.

    ”What about the Hidden Grottoes and stuff?” She asked curiously.

    "Most of the Pokémon living in the Hidden Grottoes have their Hidden Abilities. As far as I know, Emolga’s Hidden Ability is Motor Drive. By using Electrical attacks on it, it gains speed. Naturally, this increase in speed gives Emolga more energy to battle. That was my plan.” I explained.

    ”Then… How did you know which is the real Emolga?” She asked again.

    ”Before the battle, Kadabra used Miracle Eye while the Emolga was standing still, that made the attacks that Kadabra used guarantee to hit the Emolga.”

    ”Wow, you really know a lot about Pokémon.” Rayla sounded impressed.

    ”Nah, it’s nothing.” I replied.

    Suddenly, we saw a Purrloin in the forest. It walked to us slowly, carrying a Sitrus Berry in its mouth, and placed it in front of us.

    But then I thought, Purrloins were known to steal things from people. This kind of generous attitude… This Purrloin must be tamed by some trainer… But that didn’t matter, I took the Sitrus Berry and looked at it. It smiled at me, and ran into a hedge of bushes.

    It’s time to head back to the Bane’s Lab, I wondered what exciting adventure with Pokémon awaited, I couldn’t wait for my first Pokémon!

    END OF CHAPTER 2
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 16th January 2013 at 1:43 PM.

  3. #3
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    Wink

    Since this is your first fiction, I would say you are very talented. However it seems that you're lacking a good vocab. Try reading more novels and learn some words so you can use them in the fiction.I also liked how Zackry could use various tactics to get the berry from emolga when he didn't have any battle experience.Seemed like he studied pokemon way too much.Also, keep up the good work! ^^
    Last edited by speacario; 27th December 2012 at 7:49 PM.

  4. #4
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    Thanks bro, and yeah, I DO admit that I have awful vocabularies. All those words which are normally used are being repeated over and over again. Yup, I will try my best to learn as many words as possible.

    And LOL, after all, he IS Professor Bane's son xD

    BTW, Chapter 3 will be coming, hopefully tomorrow.

  5. #5
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    Chapter 3: The Battle at the Wishing Pond

    Pokédex: 8

    Location: Bane’s Laboratory, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 5:30 p.m.
    Weather: Cloudy
    Season: Summer


    I could finally see the bright sunlight after I came out of Beginia Forest.

    Wow, I didn’t even realize that I spent two hours and a half in the forest. It was really fun, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell my dad about the experience.

    I’ve reached the Bane’s Laboratory. As soon as I entered the Lab, I told my father about everything that happened at the forest. I told him about how I tricked the berry and used Static to find out the Emolga

    ”I see, it seems that you are really quite the person to be a Trainer. You knew how to deal with bad situations using your Pokémon’s abilities and moves. You appear to have lots of tactics in battles as well. Very well, a promise is a promise. Follow me to the basement of the lab.” My father said.

    I then followed him down to the basement. I saw three Pokéballs on the table. No doubt, one of those would become my partner.

    ”Pick one of the Pokéball.” My father said.

    After a long consideration, I’ve chosen the Pokéball in the middle.

    ”Ah, I see you’ve chosen Torchic. A good choice indeed. These Pokémon are rare Pokémon from the faraway Hoenn Region. I asked Professor Birch for the eggs of these species. Take good care of Torchic yourself.” My father told me.

    ”Torchic? I've always dreamed of having Torchic as my Pokémon! Dad, I promise you, I am going to make Torchan super strong and become the Champion. I will also travel all across the Raito Region and see different Pokémon to complete the Pokédex!”

    ”Ah, I see you’ve given your Pokémon a nickname, very well, I hope you two can get along well. Zack, remember that the true purpose of a Pokémon Journey isn’t to become the best of all, but to have a wonderful time with your Pokémon.” My dad told me.

    ”Got it.” I said.

    I couldn’t wait for tomorrow morning, that I would start my very own journey.

    The first thing I had to do, was to go to the Beginia Wishing Pond to wish for a safe and awesome journey.

    Location: Beginia Wishing Pond, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 6:15 p.m.
    Weather: Cloudy
    Season: Summer


    As soon as I reached Beginia Wishing Pond, I heard the sound of the water splashing in the man-made fountain, the sound that got me relaxed. I saw someone making a wish as well. He was wearing a black and white hat, a white shirt and had a really long green hair.

    I walked to his side, took out a penny, threw it into the pond and started to make my wish.

    I wished that I would have a great adventure.

    I wished that I would have a safe adventure.

    And I wished that everything was fine in my adventure.


    After making the wish, I decided to go to bed early tonight. But It’s only 6:20 p.m.

    Before I leave, the green-haired Trainer asked.

    ”So… You’ve gotten your first Pokémon, huh?”

    ”Yea… How did you know?” I asked curiously.

    ”Shall we have a battle? It’s been a while since I last battled.” He asked.

    ”A battle? Sweet!” I said. “ Torchan, you ready? “

    ”Tor-tor-chic!” Torchan replied.

    ”I see, your Torchic said that it can’t wait to have its first battle. Very well, since your Pokémon is probably still weak, I will start with a lower level Pokémon with you. Go! Purrloin!”

    ’My Torchic… said?’ I asked myself, but there was no time for that, it’s time for my first battle.

    ”Alright! Torchan! Use Scratch!” Torchan ran towards Purrloin and raised its claw, preparing to slash.

    ”Purrloin! Dodge and use Scratch as well!” Purrloin evaded Torchan’s attack and slashed Torchan with its claw.

    ”You okay? Torchan?” I asked worriedly.

    Torchan seemed hurt, there were a few scratches on its body.

    ”Tor!” Torchan nodded as in agreement.

    ”Now Torchan! Use Ember!” Torchan charged up a small fireball from its mouth, the fireball became bigger and bigger. After that, Torchan shot an Ember attack.

    ”Yes!” The attack was so fast that Purrloin didn’t have the time to evade.

    ”Purrloin, are you okay?” The trainer asked.

    ”Purr-PURR!” Purrloin replied energetically.

    ”Now Purrloin! Fury Swipes!” Purrloin’s claws shone and it dashed toward Torchan.

    ”Torchan! Ember again!” I shouted.

    Torchan shot an Ember attack once more. Purrloin evaded the attack because of the fast momentum it had, however, it appeared to had its skin burned a little.

    The Purrloin seemed to be suffering from the Burn that it went slower and weaker, excellent!

    Before Purrloin attack reached Torchan, I commanded! “Torchan! Sand Attack!”

    Torchan kicked the sand on the ground and the sand flew all over the Purrloin’s face. It couldn’t see what happened and missed the attack.

    ”Now’s the chance Torchan! Use Ember!”

    Torchan charged up its fire ball while Purrloin was struggling to see clearly, and fired it, hitting Purrloin and making its burn worse.

    The burn went way worse, Purrloin felt extremely tired and couldn't battle anymore.

    The trainer gave Purrloin a Potion and a Burn Heal, then returned it to its Pokéball.

    ”You’re a talented trainer. Well done in your first battle. You… remind me of the person I’ve been looking for for years. Your ways of battling, the tactics during the battle and so on, really remind me of him. We shall battle again sometime.”

    ”Hey, thanks for my first battle. Cool, I look forward to battling you again. What’s your name? Maybe we will meet in the future, my name is Zack, nice to meet you.”

    ”Nice to meet you too, my name… is N.” After saying that, he left the Wishing Pond.

    END OF CHAPTER 3
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 16th January 2013 at 1:44 PM.

  6. #6
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    Ok, despite the vocab, here's a few nitpicks I spotted:

    When you type the dialogue, why space out the quotations? You read stories in school and the library right? If you saw that, then you should do it.

    The first chapter seems good, even the introduction is well explained. Not many errors, despite the unnecessary spaces of the quotations and dialogue. I can relate to how Zack's endless working with his father. This is the first fanfiction I've seen to have a story like this. But here are a few things,

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Yes… I have this Electrike with me. Why’d you ask” She asked back.
    You forgot the question mark, since she's asking a question.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Hmm… come to think about it, I haven’t thought of this yet.” I answered. “But all I know is we need to focus on the test right now.”
    If you have any concern, you should replace the period with a comma, since he's continuing to talk.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    The time had come for me to complete my test. I ran towards Evergrowing Forest.


    Location: Evergrowing Forest, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 3:00 p.m.
    Weather: Clear
    Season: Summer




    I walked into the entrance of the Evergrowing Forest. I knew that I had to be really careful since wild Pokémon might attack me. After walking for a distance, I saw something shining in the deep forest.
    Ok, since that you said that he's in Evergrowing Forest, then why put that there? You should have said that it was summer at the start. And you could have explained that he looked up at the clear blue sky that seemed to be OK. I have no comments on the other one, since you can do what you want with this story.

    Chapter 1 overall, good for a beginner. I wrote a Fan fic of a 10 year old boy that was kind of like your character.

    Now, on to Chapter 2:

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Electrike! Use Thundershock on this tree!” I shouted, Since Rayla approved, Electrike started to charge up and fired a Thundershock toward the Hidden Grotto.
    You mean towards, right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    The Emolga landed on the ground, preparing its battling stance.
    There could have been a bit more detail on how it looked in its battle stance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    Rayla handed a Pokéball to me. It contained a Kadabra caught by Rayla’s mother when she was at the Kanto region.
    Did he know that it contained a Kadabra that came from Kanto?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Kadabra! Here!” I picked up a stick on the ground and handed it over to it.

    Kadabra had known what was in my mind. It secretly casted a Miracle Eye to take aim at the enemies.
    Wait, since when did he send out Kadabra?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Ray, we can start the battle now, ask Electrike to keep it busy!” I told Rayla. “Whatever you do, don’t use Electric type attacks.”
    You should have added a comma since he's still talking.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ”Got it!” Rayla answered. “Electrike! Quick Attack”
    You forgot an exclamation mark where she said to use Quick Attack. And that seems tactical to beat an Emolga.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    The Emolga got immobilized for a second, at that second, I shouted:

    ” Kadabra, now!”
    You meant to add a comma? Do that. And does Electrike have Static as its ability, because I can't tell how Emolga is immoble for a second by a Physical hit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    Kadabra close its eyes, holding the stick I gave him and started to focus. Then, it immediately switched the stick with the Cheri Berry that the enemy was holding using the move Trick.
    Closed you meant? And you could have said,

    Kadabra then closed its eyes as it was holding the stick I gave him. As he started to focus in deep thought, it swapped the Cheri Berry to Kadabra's possession by the infamous Trick move.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    Now’s the chance!
    Was he trying to say that in the story? And why space it from the other paragraphs?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” There was no magic, by feeling Electrike’s fur, I could know that this Pokémon’s ability was Static. According to my father’s research, Static increases the odds of encountering an Electric-type Pokémon. And the only Electric-type Pokémon around here is Emolga.” I said.
    Oh, so now I get it. But in the paragraph where Emolga gets paralyzed, you could have described it more. And you say said a lot. When you are continuing an ongoing quarrel between those 2, before that, you have to tell us who they are. You did, but you shouldn't have said Said a lot when it's ongoing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Wow, you really know a lot about Pokémon.” Rayla seemed to be impressed.
    Seemed to be impressed? Provide more detail on how she feels or show on how she seems to be impressed.

    Overall, this chapter's plot, I rate an 8/10. You could have provided more detail on how it felt to be in the forest and the battle. Battles are filled with intensity and adrenaline, so you should have make it have more of a feel.

    Now on to Chapter Three:

    This chapter overall is interesting. N was there...... hmmmmm....... but I'll try telling you on the errors here:

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    Location: Bane’s Laboratory, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 5:30 p.m.
    Weather: Cloudy
    Season: Summer
    Once again, there could have been a more detailed and flowing way to describe this......... Just stating that feels like a mission assignment, not an awesome adventure.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    Wow, I didn’t even realize that I spent two hours and a half in the forest. It was really fun, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell my dad about the experience.
    Is he thinking, or talking out loud? And is this happening now?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” I see, it seems that you are really quite the person to be a Trainer. You knew how to deal with bad situations using your Pokémon’s abilities and moves. You appear to have lots of tactics in battles as well. Very well, a promise is a promise. Follow me to the basement of the lab.” My father said.
    Was he informed of what his son did? I know that he told him, but how does he tell that he knew all of this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    I then followed him down to the basement. I saw three Pokéballs on the table. No doubt, one of those would become my partner.

    ” Pick one of the Pokéball.” My father said.

    After a long consideration, I’ve chosen the Pokéball in the middle.

    ” Ah, I see you’ve chosen Torchic. A good choice indeed. These Pokémon are rare Pokémon from the faraway Hoenn Region. I asked Professor Birch for the eggs of these species. Take good care of Torchic yourself.” My father told me.
    As for the first few sentences in this quote, you should have said on how he feels. Just saying "After a long consideration" or No doubt, one of these would become my Pokemon" isn't enough on how he even thinks of this situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    As soon as I reached Beginia Wishing Pond, I saw someone making a wish as well. He was wearing a black and white hat, a white shirt and had a really long green hair.
    I'm quite OK with the description you gave to him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    I walked to his side, took out a penny, threw it into the pond and started to make my wish.

    I wished that I would have a great adventure.

    I wished that I would have a safe adventure.

    And I wished that everything was fine in my adventure.


    After making the wish, I decided to go to bed early tonight. But It’s only 6:20 p.m.

    Before I leave, the green-haired Trainer asked.

    ” So… You’ve gotten your first Pokémon, huh?”

    ” Yea… How did you know?” I asked curiously.

    ” Shall we have a battle? It’s been a while since I last battled.” He asked.

    ” A battle? Sweet!” I said. “ Torchan, you ready? “

    ” Tor-tor-chic” Torchan replied.
    The first thing I bolded, you're missing a period or an exclamation mark. Might want to put that there. Also, for what he thought, it's really nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” I see, your Torchic said that it can’t wait to have its first battle. Very well, since your Pokémon is probably still weak, I will start with a lower level Pokémon with you. Go! Purrloin!”

    ’ My Torchic… said?’ I asked myself, but there was no time for that, it’s time for my first battle.

    ” Alright! Torchan! Use Scratch!” Torchan ran toward Purrloin and raised its claw, preparing to slash.
    You're missing the scene where he commands Purrloin to attack.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Purrloin! Dodge and use Scratch as well!” Purrloin evaded Torchan’s attack and slashed Torchan with its claw.

    ” You okay? Torchan?” I asked worriedly.

    ” Tor!” Torchan nodded as in agreement.
    You should have described on how the battle felt at this point. He asked if he was OK since he was worried, which was good. But did you describe on how Torchic even look when he was slashed?

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    ” Now Torchan! Use Ember!” Torchan charged up a small fireball from its mouth, the fireball became bigger and bigger. After that, Torchan shot an Ember attack.

    ” Yes!” The attack was so fast that Purrloin didn’t have the time to evade.
    You look like if you're rushing. I mean, it looks like it in the final paragraph. I have no idea on how it was like for it to be defeated in any way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    The Purrloin seemed to be suffering from the Burn that it went slower and weaker, excellent!
    Wow, he must be extremely happy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Razor Wind View Post
    charged up its fire ball while Purrloin was struggling to see clearly, and fired it, hitting Purrloin and making its burn worse.

    The trainer gave Purrloin a Potion and a Burn Heal, then returned it to its Pokéball.
    What a fast way to end this. Overall, this battle could have been better. You're rushing in this and battles are serious, not a thing that should have been swept away. And you didn't say that Purrloin lost in any way.

    Overall, this whole story is like a 7/10 at least.


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  7. #7
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    Chapter 4: The Departure

    Pokédex: 9

    Location: Zack’s Room, Beginia Town
    Date: June 17th, 2017
    Time: 8:30 p.m.
    Weather: Dark
    Season: Summer



    ”The final battle of the Sennamon Tournament will now commence! The crowd gets excited just by watching her entering the tournament, On the red side of the battlefield brings you… Rosa~!” The narrator said on the live Sennamon Tournament channel.

    Torchan was watching the live tournament, learning how the strong Trainers battle. I sat beside it and was thinking.

    ’What did N mean by Torchan said? Pokémon aren’t meant to talk at the first place.‘

    ”Saved all human’s fate from the liberation of Pokémon, and successfully defeated Team Plasma 7 years ago, on the Blue side brings you Hilbert! Go get’em!”

    They both walked onto the Tournament main stage imperturbably. Preparing their Pokémon to battle and see who would win the Tournament.

    ”This N person… There’s something weird about him… I never knew that Pokémon could talk… or does he have some ability to communicate to Pokémon perfectly?”

    ”Tor-Tor?” Torchan replied to me curiously.

    ”Oh, it’s nothing, I was just thinking something, C’mon, let’s watch the show.” I said.

    ”My! Rosa covered Emboar’s weakness by using Wild Charge and successfully defeated Hilbert’s Samurott! This marks end of the the tourna- Wait, Emboar suffered major recoil damage and is unable to battle as well! This match is considered a tie, a rematch will be held on the day after tomorrow. Stay tuned.” The narrator finished the narration.

    ”Well, it’s bedtime already, we have to go to bed now, Torchan.”

    ”Tor-tor…” Torchan replied as it was giving a yawn.

    ”Can’t wait for tomorrow’s journey huh? Torchan?” I asked before I went to bed.

    ”Tor-Tor-chic” Torchan replied with a smile.

    ”Ok then, we will wake up earlier tomorrow for our first journey, g’night!” I said.

    ”Tor-Tor” Torchic replied, closed its eyes and dozed off.

    I went on my bed as well, looking out the window, and stared at the moon.

    ”I hope this adventure will be an awesome one” I said.

    Then, a silhouette flew through the sky, like a wishing star.

    ”That must be a Pokémon.” I said, then I closed my eyes and got some sleep as well.

    Location: Beginia Railway, Beginia Town
    Date: June 18th, 2017
    Time: 7:30 a.m.
    Weather: Clear
    Season: Summer



    Today’s the day, the day I had been looking forward to since I was a kid, the day I thought it would take forever to come, the day I started my new journey as a Pokémon trainer, the day I started my quest to travel across Raito region, trying to be the greatest of the greatest.

    I walked into the train that would lead to Laboonia City. The city with the first Pokémon Gym, I walked into the train, looked at my parents through the window. I could clearly see the tears rolling down their eyes. It was fairly obvious that they were sad about my leave, after all, I’m their only child. I knew that… and I felt sad too… Before I left for my adventure, my mom told me, she told me that she would be okay. She also said that she’s confident that I could success as a Pokémon Trainer.

    What she said… would always be in my mind.

    It’s time for the departure. The wheels of the train started to move, I could hear the loud blow of the train horn. It’s beginning, my life, my journey, my destiny as a Pokémon Trainer was finally beginning!

    Once again, I looked out of the window and looked at my parents. They were looking at me with tears, this sight of hope told me that I wouldn’t let them down. And I knew that I wouldn’t.

    CHOO CHOO!

    The train moved faster and faster as time passed. Seemed like I would reach Laboonia Town in an hour, I decided to take a nap until then.





    …Zzz

    I woke up on a dark place, seemed to be a laboratory. It was dark and empty, I started to wander around the laboratory.

    “It’s here, my magnificent plan has worked!” I heard someone saying so.

    I started to walk quietly towards the direction of the sound I heard.

    I saw a door, it seemed the sound came from the other side of the door.

    I snuck up to the door and opened it slightly and quietly. There, I saw a person standing, observing a pink-coloured Pokémon in a tube. It seemed to be suffering as the man was laughing. I could tell that the Pokémon didn’t enjoy it a little bit.

    I had to help the Pokémon to get out of there. I took out a Pokéball out of my pocket. I threw it into the room while shouting:

    “Reshiram! I choose you!”

    I had no idea what just happened. I couldn’t control what I wanted to say.

    A gigantic white Dragon Pokémon came out of the Pokéball. Its tail started burning, releasing a blazing aura.

    “I’ve heard your call, I shall help you with everything I can, the person blessed with the Draco Soul.” The Pokémon said to me.

    “Reshiram! Rescue the Pokémon!

    “Understood.” Reshiram replied.

    Just then, the man said.

    “ I shall not tolerate any intruders to ruin my perfect plan! Machamp, Go!”


    A four-armed Pokémon appeared from the Pokéball, it looked strong, but not really defensive.

    “Reshiram! Extrasensory!” I commanded.

    Using an unseeable power, Reshiram knocked Machamp out in one hit.

    “Yes! A direct super-effective hit!” I shouted.

    “Don’t get too excited, I’ve still got Mew with me. And, I can make it even stronger!” The man said.

    “No! Don’t you dare…!”

    Right then, I heard something.

    “The train has arrived at Laboonia City, please leave the train carefully and be sure to enjoy your journey.”

    I then woke up… Turned out it was a dream…

    But, what was the dream about? Who was this Reshiram? Who was this Mew? Also, what’s with this Draco Soul thing?

    Thinking too much wouldn’t help a thing, so I started to walk the Route connecting to Laboonia City.


    Location: Route 24, Laboonia City
    Date: June 18th, 2017
    Time: 9:30 a.m.
    Weather: Sunny
    Season: Summer


    According to dad, there were a few Gym Leaders in Laboonia. Different leaders battle at different days. So there’s no way to know whom I would battle against. Guess I had no other choice but to start training.

    “Torchan! Go!” I shouted while releasing Torchan from the Pokéball.

    “Tor-TOR!” Torchan released an Ember attack energetically, implying that it’s ready to have some training.

    I found a patch of Tall Grass at the side of the Route, so I started heading there.

    As soon as I stepped into the Tall Grass, I heard a Pokémon’s cry.

    “Bark bark!”

    “A wild Pokémon is coming.” I said to Torchic, “Be on guard”

    Just then, a Lillipup jumped out of the grass, it stared at us with its intimidating eyes.

    I took out my Pokédex, it started to analyse the Lillipup.

    “Lillipup, puppy Pokémon, this Pokémon is loyal to its trainer and will do whatever he or she commands. However, if disturbed in the wild, it may strike fear into the enemy by just leering at them.”

    “Neat, I am going to catch it! Torchan, you ready?”

    “TOR!” Torchan replied.

    “Now Torchan! Scratch!” Torchan rose its claw, dashed towards the Lillipup and tried to slash it.

    “Damn!” Lillipup avoided the attack and countered using Tackle.

    Lillipup used its full strength and hit Torchan. Torchan seemed to hurt a lot.

    “Torchan! Are you okay?” I asked immediately.

    “Tor…” Torchan replied as it was struggling to get up.

    “Shoot, Torchan’s hurt!” I said and immediately took out a bottle of Potion, restoring its health.

    Torchan slowly got up, preparing its fighting position.

    It seemed to be enraged by Lillipup. It started to shoot Ember attacks on the Lillipup continuously even when I didn’t command it to.

    The Lillipup suffered major damage, and it seemed like Torchan wouldn’t stop attacking.

    “Torchan! Stop!” I shouted as I was fearing it might hurt the Lillipup even more.

    After listening to my command, Torchan stopped attacking.

    The Lillipup was too tired, it couldn’t move.

    I then took out an Oran Berry from my Bag, squatted down and gave it to the Lillipup.

    While Lillipup was enjoying the Berry, I glared at Torchan for its misbehavior. It lowered its head to apologize for what it had done.

    Lillipup came to my leg and started to bark assertively, implying it would like to join my team.

    I lowered my head and asked.

    “Would you like to follow me in my journey?”

    After listening to what I said, Lillipup barked even louder as in affimation. Now I was certain that it wanted to join my team.

    “Very well.” I took out a Pokéball. Threw it at Lillipup.

    The Pokéball opened and a red aura appeared, engulfing the Lillipup. Lillipup showed no sign of resistance.

    The Pokéball fell on the ground, started shaking slowly. After a while, a few stars shone out of the Pokéball.

    I’ve… caught a Pokémon. I named my Lillipup… Riripup.

    It’s time to continue my training to prepare for my first Gym battle. I started battling wild Pokémon nearby like Ekans, Rattata, Poochyena and Sentret to make Torchan and Riripup stronger.

    END OF CHAPTER 4
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 16th January 2013 at 1:48 PM.

  8. #8
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    Nov 2012
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    Chapter 5: Spooked

    Pokédex: 14

    Location: Pokémon Gym, Laboonia City.
    Date: June 19th, 2017
    Time: 5:40 p.m.
    Weather: Getting dark
    Season: Summer



    As I pushed open the door that was left ajar, I was greeted with a sense of spookiness. The atmosphere was dim and silent. The only light-emitting items available in the room were some torches hung on the wall.

    Mustering all my courage, I embraced the darkness with Torchan tailing me. After several foot walked in the dark, an idea struck me like a thunder. Why did I not think of this earlier?

    “Torchan, use Ember to lighten the area!”

    The flame that was shot out of Torchan’s beak was a delight. Torchan was happy too, knowing that it had done me a big favor. We marched a little more into the gym, and were startled by a few junior trainers that appeared out of nowhere. These trainers were not much of a challenge as they were just using low-leveled Gastly and Misdreavus.

    We ventured into a portal at the end of the hall on Ground Floor of the Gym. The portal was rather oddly designed, with a stone-carved logo on the handle that controls it. With Torchan on my shoulder, we activated the portal, and were teleported into another room of vast darkness.

    “Impressive, that you came thus far…” a calm male voice echoed around the room. Torchan and I got our guards up as we were identifying where the enemy was coming from.

    “Who’s there! Show yourself!”

    A shadow formed opposite me. From the look of it, I could identify it as a teenage guy.

    “I am Sil, one of the Spiritual Triple Gym Leaders, and I shall be your opponent today.”

    He showed himself as he was saying so.

    “I hope you’re fully prepared for a fight against the Ghost-types. Here’s a hint before the battle. You can’t hit Ghost-type Pokémon using Normal-typed attacks, neither can you using a Fighting-typed attacks.”

    It wasn’t some new information to me due to my extensive studies of Pokémon.

    “I’m ready, Torchan, are you?” I said with enthusiasm.

    “Tor!” Torchan nodded in agreement.

    “Very well, Yamask, don’t disappoint me!”

    Torchan started to focus on the battle as Yamask did the same.

    “Torchan! Ember attack, now!”

    I commanded so as Ember was the only move that could hit a Ghost-typed Yamask. The result was awesome, Yamask seemed to suffer a lot.

    “Now Torchan, use Ember once aga-”

    Before I finished, I noticed something wrong about Torchan, a weird, creepy-looking aura surrounded it and it seemed to be unable to use Ember.

    “Torchan! What’s happening?”

    “It’s no use.” Sil said calmly.

    “Wh… What?”

    “Your Torchan is unable to use Ember temporarily, thanks to Yamask’s Disable.”

    “Dis…Disable? How did I not think of that?”

    “Basically, your Torchan can’t hurt my Yamask no more. Yamask, use Block!”

    Torchan seemed to be trapped in the battlefield by an invisible wall. This is not good.

    “That’s right, your only choice right now is to continue battling using a Pokémon that can’t deal anymore damage to my Pokémon.” Sil replied.

    “Damn it, Torchan, keep trying! Ember!”

    Torchan tried its best to fire an Ember attack, but it’s no use.

    “Now Yamask, Night Shade!”

    Torchan seemed to be feared by something, it’s most probably a mirage that only it can see. No good, first Disable and now this?

    Wait, did Sil say that my Torchan couldn’t use Ember temporarily? So I needed something to buy some time.

    Got it!

    “Torchan! Sand Attack!”

    After regaining balance from the Night Shade, Torchan started running around the battlefield at high speed. Its mach speed made the dusts on the ground fly all over the place.

    Fortunately, the one-eyed Yamask was blinded by the Sand Attack and couldn’t see anything.

    “Torchan! Now!”

    Upon realizing that it’s regained its ability to use fire attacks, Torchan shot a few shots of sparkling Embers at the opponent, burning it in the process.

    The Yamask felt tired and couldn’t battle anymore. It was returned to the Pokéball.

    “Good job turning the table, but see if you can deal with this!”

    A Shuppet flew out of Sil’s Pokéball.

    “Shuppet? Just another Ghost Type Pokémon, no big deal.” I said belittlingly.

    “Very well, it’s good for you to have confidence in yourself, but I bet you, this won’t be easy. Shuppet, Shadow Sneak!”

    “Torchan! Quick Attack to evade the attack!”

    Even though it wasn’t effective as an attack, it was a good way to avoid being hit by the enemy’s fast attacks. Torchan evaded the Shadow Sneak with a piece of cake.

    “Now Torchan, Ember!”

    Torchan sparked a few Embers towards the Shuppet. The attack landed, but Shuppet didn’t seem to hurt much.

    “Shuppet, now!” Sil commanded without actually asking Shuppet to use an attack. That’s odd.

    Shuppet glared at Torchan with intimidating eyes. Once again, a weird aura surrounds Torchan, but that didn’t look anything like the previous Disable attack used by the Yamask.

    This… wasn’t Disable, but what was it?

    Nevertheless, I commanded,

    “Torchan! Ember!”

    Torchan’s claw shone and started to charge into Shuppet, trying to slash it.

    Wait, why was it using Scratch? I clearly commanded it to use Ember!

    “Shuppet, attack!”

    Shuppet used a Shadow Sneak at an extreme speed, knocking Torchan hardly. Torchan immediately regain balance after a while, but used Scratch continuously.

    What’s happening?

    “Torchan! Snap out of it! Ember!”

    Torchan seemed to be out of its senses, it clearly knew Normal-typed attacks are useless against Ghost-types!

    Just then, I stopped and think.

    Whenever Torchan scratched at Shuppet, its horn glowed. I didn’t notice that until now.

    I quickly took out my Pokédex and scanned the enemy.

    “Shuppet, puppet Pokémon. This Pokémon is known to consume negative emotions like rage, fear or jealousy. By feeding on them using its horn, Shuppet grows strong instantly.”

    Damn, what is this?

    “Good thing for you to realize, but it’s too late now, my Shuppet has already drained a lot of power from the enraged Torchan. You see, the Night Shade that Yamask used on Torchan previously was a mirage, an illusion showing how Shuppet can kill you, which is Torchan’s dear trainer. Torchan lost its sense and started to attack violently to protect its trainer. This rage, when consumed by Shuppet, turned the whole battle upside down.” Sil said imperturbably.

    “Killing… me?” I said, astonished.

    “Precisely, the love of your Pokémon has betrayed you in this battle. Now is the time to end it, Shuppet, do it!”

    Shuppet knocked Torchan down in one hit. It fell unconscious and couldn’t battle anymore.

    I returned Torchan into my Pokéball, providing it a place to rest.

    “I’ve no choice but to count on you now.” I said to the Riripup confined in the Pokéball.

    “I choose you! Riripup!” I threw the Pokéball upwards, the ball opened and Riripup appeared out of the Pokéball.

    “Bark bark!” Riripup barked energetically.

    “Riripup, Bite!” I shouted as Riripup dashed towards the Shuppet, attempting to bite it.

    “Shuppet, Sucker Punch!”

    Shuppet vanished instantly right before Riripup reached it, and countered by punching hardly.

    Riripup fell onto the ground, struggling to get up. At that moment, I shouted,

    “Riripup, are you okay?”

    Riripup got up after constant struggling.

    “Great, now use Odor Sleuth!”

    Riripup identified Shuppet by using its sensitive nose.

    “Now Riripup, Tackle!”

    Riripup charged up towards Shuppet at its full strength. As expected, Sil would command Shuppet to use Sucker Punch. Now’s the chance.

    “Riripup, Leer!”

    Riripup immediately stopped its attack and stared at Shuppet.

    Shuppet got startled as its Sucker Punch failed.

    “Now Riripup! Bite!”

    Before Shuppet could recover from its immobilization, Riripup bit it as hard as possible.

    Shuppet got injured by the super-effective hit, it looked like it could only suffer a little more damage. Excellent!

    “Riripup, use Tackle!”

    “Shuppet, Will-o-Wisp!”

    A few shots of flame hit Riripup in the process, making it burned.

    Riripup seemed to suffer from the burn that it stopped attacking.

    “Not good, Riripup, try to continue fighting!” I shouted.

    “That won’t be necessary!” I heard someone shouting. As I turned my head towards the side of the battlefield, I saw someone leaning against a wall nearby.

    “Forcing Pokémon to fight at this rate will only hurt them. Oblivious to you, they hurt deep down. I can clearly hear how your Lillipup is moaning because of the pain it’s suffering. Return it to your Pokéball!”

    As the voice got nearer and nearer, I could see who was speaking in the dark room.

    It was… N!

    “A girl with a ponytail asked me to give this to you.”

    N said as he was giving me a Pokéball.

    Looking through the half-transparent Pokéball, I could see that it contained an Electrike.

    This… was Rayla’s Electrike!

    But, why would she…

    The Electrike nodded to me as I was looking into the Pokéball. It seemed to ready to have a battle.

    “If that’s the case… Riripup, return! Electrike, go!”

    Electrike was released from the Pokéball. A purplish aura sparkled as Electrike was being released.

    “I wish you good luck in your battle. Well then, farewell.”

    N walked slowly out of the Gym.

    “N… Tell her I appreciate this.” I reminded before his leave.

    “Shall we proceed with the battle?” Sil asked impatiently.

    “Sure. Electrike, ThunderShock!”

    “Shuppet, Sucker Punch!”

    As predicted, it was the Sucker Punch trick. In that case,

    “Electrike, Charge!”

    Electrike stopped its previous attack instantly and stand straight, charging its electricity power and making it stronger.

    As long as Electrike didn’t use a damaging move, Sucker Punch wouldn’t be able to hit it.

    “Now Electrike, Thunder Wave!”

    An electrical charge was fired towards Shuppet, paralyzing it.

    Great, now Shuppet’s speed, even with the help of Sucker Punch or Shadow Sneak, wouldn’t be a problem since it was paralyzed, perfect.

    “Now Electrike, release your Discharge!”

    Electrike released a flare of electricity, shocking anything near it.

    Shuppet seemed to be weak after the attack. One more attack would finish it.

    “Electrike, End it with a Bite!”

    Electrike charged up towards the Shuppet at high speed, bit it, and threw it upwards into the air with full power.

    Shuppet fell onto the ground as its levitating ability was weak.

    Shuppet… was defeated.

    “Very well… Me, Yamask and Shuppet are defeated. You are truly a remarkable trainer. I’m pretty sure you will achieve success in this journey if you keep this up. I’ve got a gift for you.”

    Sil handed a Badge to me as I took out my Badge Case.

    “This is the official League Badge. It is said that a person with 8 of these collected will be considered as a limitless potential Trainer. Who knows, maybe by collecting them can you find out your true potential. Congrats on your first Gym Battle. I wish you good luck in your journey.”

    Sil said with a smile and clicked a button on a remote control he was holding.

    I was then teleported back out to the Gym’s entrance.

    Thank you Sil, for giving me such a great battle experience.

    Thank you N, for telling me what to do when I was at a complete loss.

    And thank you Rayla, for your assistance back there.

    END OF CHAPTER 5
    Last edited by Razor Wind; 16th January 2013 at 1:48 PM.

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