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Thread: The Horns of Xerneas

  1. #1
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    Default The Horns of Xerneas

    Hello, fanfic community! This is my first fanfic, but not the first thing I have ever written. I got inspired to write my own fic after the big Gen 6 announcement and a healthy dose of the anime One Piece (The real Japanese stuff with English subtitled, not the crappy 4kids version). However, I will not use any characters or anything else from the anime, it inspired me to write my own, which is not a One Piece/Pokemon crossover. But why not I just hand out the prologue and see what everyone thinks? By the way, I am rating it PG-13 for violence that may be frightening to some, and some mild language, maybe. Any future changes will be posted as I get further in the fic.

    Before I start, here's a PM list for you readers and reviewers. If you want to be on, just ask.

    PM List:

    legendarypokemonjunkie17

    PROLOGUE

    Long ago, humans had dominated the Earth, their cities springing up on all landforms imaginable. All the territories they had owned were pure paradise. Until, one day, a deadly plague started. The humans did not realize what had hit them until too late.

    Several years after the plague, humanity was an extinct species, their once powerful cities crumbling. However, this plague was exclusive to humans. Their faithful companions (Pokémon) had survived. After the initial shock of losing their trainers, they began to emerge as the highest power in the world. They built nations. The Pokémon deity Regigigas pulled all the continents together with ropes. Thus, one major continent was formed, with 17 nations on it.

    In the Heavens, the residence of all Pokémon deities, two deities went to Earth. One was a stag with eight shiny horns tangled with bony antlers called Xerneas. The other one was a large bird with 15 claws- five on each wing, five on its tail- called Yveltal. For a reason not known today, they began to engage in a battle on a scale of Biblical proportions, as humans would put it. Some nations mistook this battle as an invitation to war. Nation attacked nation, and the great continent was driven into complete chaos.

    Back in the Heavens, a meeting was held, and a plan was brought into action. The highest deity in the Heavens, called Arceus, summoned Xerneas and Yveltal to his realm. He petrified both of them. Then he removed the eight Horns of Xerneas and the 15 Claws of Yveltal. He scattered the Claws of Yveltal across the Heavens, and the Horns of Xerneas across the continent. To bring an end to the war, Arceus split the continent into 17 different islands, each matching a nation's border. Until sea travel was possible, peace would be present. Even the Water Nation could not traverse the sea that split them from other islands.

    Eventually, the islands recovered, and culture developed. The battle faded into story, and story faded into legend. But, there was a single element of the cultures that were there across the Earth: The Horns of Xerneas were a fabled treasure, and it was rumored that when one could collect all eight of them, the path to the Heavens would open. Then they could find the Temple of Xerneas (the location of where the petrified Xerneas supposedly was), insert the eight horns into the statue, and resurrect Xerneas. Then Xerneas would grant the warrior immense riches.

    The nations had invented sea travel over the years, but the conflict was forgotten. The islands started trading goods. But the Horns of Xerneas were still on everyone's mind. They went out searching for them by the means of large ships. The ships battled, each chasing the fabled horns. As you may have guessed, this is where the real story begins.

    *****

    So, there is the prologue for you. Hopefully, Chapter One will be done with editing soon, and while I am editing, reviews are always appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

    -The Big Gig
    Last edited by TheGreatGigInTheSky; 5th March 2013 at 10:47 PM.
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    If you add me, PM me with your friend code and I'll add you.
    Friend Safari: Grass; has Oddish, Ivysaur and Quilladin

  2. #2
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    I have now finished Chapter One of the Horns of Xerneas. Hopefully I will get more reviews this time... they are important, people! Anyways, here is Chapter One.

    CHAPTER ONE

    Psychic Nation, South Alkaline Tower, Present Day

    The Alkaline Towers- North Alkaline, South Alkaline, East Alkaline, West Alkaline- were the shining towers of Alkaline City, the capital of the Psychic Nation. The Psychic Nation was known for skyscrapers like these, especially Alkaline City. After all, the Psychic Nation was one of the most developed nations in the world, as of right now.

    Inside the 31st floor of South Alkaline Tower, a Kadabra was working in his office. The Kadabra was pretty bored with his job, as all it involved was sitting in a chair and working at a computer (the Psychic Nation had lots of advanced technology, as they were the ones who had learned the most from the humans). The Kadabra did not even know what the company was working towards. He had to do the work because he had to get paid and so he could get food, even as much as he hated his boring job.

    Suddenly, he heard one of his "supervising officers" running towards his office. Great, thought the Kadabra. My entertainment for the day. Then, a large Machoke busted into his office.

    "Get to work, Octavius!" barked the Machoke.

    "I was working, until you chose to barge in on me." calmly replied Octavius.

    "Like I'll fall for that! Now get to work before I punch you out the window!" shouted back the Machoke.

    "You know, I sometimes wonder how you even got your position here. In fact, I don't even know what kind of idiot would let you work here. It's a mystery I have been pondering for a long time-"

    The Machoke had had enough. "I got my job and my position like this!" shrieked the Machoke in pure rage as he prepared a Focus Punch.

    Classic Machoke, thought Octavius. Now for the fun part. "Time… freeze." The yellow Psychic pointed his spoon at the Machoke. The Machoke proceeded to freeze right in its tracks. Next step: Call his boss, thought Octavius as he picked up the phone, yet another piece of technology they had learned from humans.

    "Alkaline Industries." he heard a gruff voice mutter. "How can I help you?"

    "Yes, I would like to report misorderly conduct from one of your workers." answered Octavius.

    "Tell me the species and what floor it's on." commanded the voice.

    "Machoke on Floor 31; Office No. 219" said Octavius.

    "Hold on, I'm on my way." assured the voice. Soon enough, a large Machamp came lumbering down the hall.

    "Time… unfreeze." said Octavius right as the Machamp came near the Machoke.

    It was a success. The Machoke unleashed a Focus Punch on the Machamp, resulting in the Machamp crashing through several offices and scaring a few snoozing Drowzee out of their minds.

    "So that's the way you wanna play, huh!?" shouted the Machamp as he spat out a hunk of blood. "Bullet… Punch!"

    The Machamp's fists started moving as fast as bullets (hence the name Bullet Punch) as he charged towards the Machoke.

    "Aahh!" screamed the Machoke as the Machamp landed a direct hit with a round of Bullet Punches.

    "Now for the finale!" roared the Machamp. "Sky Uppercut!" At that moment, he brought several fists up in an uppercut with enough strength to wake a Snorlax into the Machoke.

    Octavius could not help but snicker at the events unfolding right now. At the moment, the Machoke that had harassed him had flown through many floors of the tower and eventually out the window.

    Meanwhile, in a surveillance chamber somewhere else in the tower, a Beheeyem watched the fight. I have to get down there and put an end to this, thought the Beheeyem with great anxiety. Then it started floating down the tower stairwell as fast as its mind could carry its body. It soon arrived at its destination.

    "What is the meaning of this?!" exclaimed the Beheeyem.

    "This Machamp just Sky Uppercutted a Machoke out the window several floors above here. If you want proof, look at the giant hole in the ceiling." explained Octavius. The Beheeyem looked at the hole in the ceiling Octavius had just pointed out, and then at the holes in the wall where the Machamp had been sent flying from the Focus Punch.

    "This is no way to behave around here!" reprimanded the Beheeyem. "You're fired!"

    "It was him who started it…" grumbled the Machamp. But at that moment, the Beheeyem released a psychic pulse from its glowing fingertips. When the pulse hit the Machamp, he fizzled out of the area.

    "When he reappears at street level, he will have no memory of this place." said the Beheeyem. "I'm Leon, by the way."

    "Nice to meet you, Leon. I'm Octavius." replied Octavius.

    "You know, I saw you freeze that Machoke in time so that his Focus Punch would hit that Machamp." casually remarked Leon, as Octavius' eyes suddenly grew very wide, a common thing he did when he was frightened. "Don't worry about it. It was fun for me, too. You should do that more often." reassured Leon after seeing the look on Octavius' face.

    "Thanks. It's really the only form of entertainment I get in this place. Great Arceus it's so boring…" groaned Octavius.

    "I agree. It is very boring. But I have something to ask you. You know what the Horns of Xerneas are, right?" asked Leon.

    "Yes, I've heard of them." replied Octavius.

    "How would you like to hunt them with me?" offered Leon.

    "I would if I could, but the task would not yield me money until the end, assuming I'm not dead by then. Until then, how would I support my wife?"

    "Oh… I guess I hadn't really thought about that…" admitted Leon.

    "Don't worry, my wife is a doctor. She will be fine without me." said Octavius while casually twirling his spoon in the air. "Plus, in the case that I die, she will get lots of money from life insurance." ("Life insurance is probably one of the best ideas the humans had." Octavius would later comment to Catherine, his Gardevoir wife.)

    " Good. Glad we cleared that up. We also need a ship. A big one. How are we going to get that?" asked Leon.

    "I thought you would have planned his better, considering you were the one who made the offer in the first place." pointed out Octavius.

    "Good point. Anyways, the Grass Nation can make some excellent ships for us." suggested Leon.

    "Sounds all right. We would also need a crew. Where can we find one?" questioned Octavius.

    "Well, to start, our crew all must be Psychic types." said Leon.

    "Why?!" shouted Octavius.

    "Because it is a general rule of the sea. Plus, any other types would turn the boat into a madhouse." replied Leon.

    "Very well then. Anyways, where can we get a crew?" demanded Octavius.

    "I have my ways." replied Leon.

    "Come back here with a crew within one week. Then we'll go to the Grass Nation." ordered Octavius.

    "…okay, then." said Leon in a tone of voice that would not be out of place when being ordered by one of the mob bosses of the sea. And so Octavius and Leon parted ways, to meet again sometime soon.

    *****

    In the depths of Nuzleaf Mercenaries HQ, Grass Nation, Present Day

    In the Grass Nation, the Nuzleaf Mercenaries are, as the name implies, a group of Nuzleaf Mercenaries. All of them are very skilled at what they do, and get paid well with money and respect from the people of the Grass Nation.

    However, in the basement of their HQ is another base. Residing in this base is one of the most feared powers in the world- a Sceptile assassin going by the name of Julius. Rumors claim that on the UIPA (United Island Protection Agency) Most Wanted List, that Julius takes first, second and third place.

    Currently in Julius's place of residence, he was talking to a client in his office. His two treasured swords were propped up against a luxurious wooden wall.

    "And why do you request services that are of my nature?" inquired Julius.

    "You see, my wife, a Breloom has recently made me angry. We recently had an argument. I would like you to show her who is right." answered a Ferrothorn.

    "I am afraid you have come to the wrong person. As I take down the corrupt and unjust, you simply request my services to settle a household argument." explained Julius.

    " Okay, then… sorry to waste your time." apologized the Ferrothorn.

    "You had better be sorry. Now please remove yourself from my presence, and if I hear a word about you spilling the beans about this place, you will regret spilling." threatened Julius.

    The Ferrothorn, scared out of its mind by the threat Julius had just made, exited the room as fast as possible, the black hooded jacket with a white Shiftry pelt Julius was wearing fading out in the background.

    You know, I shoud think about a vacation, thought Julius. Maybe I could stow away on a ship or something. Maybe I could even take it over and find the Horns of Xerneas! Julius was excited now. You know, I'm going to do that! thought Julius.

    And so Julius resided quietly in the basement of Nuzleaf Mercenaries HQ, waiting for news of a ship leaving. It just so happened that several weeks later, a certain Kadabra, Beheeyem and a crew would pay a visit looking for a ship.

    *****

    Octavius and Catherine's House, After work on the same day

    In Lithium Town, a suburb of Alkaline City, was the location of Octavius and Catherine's house. In Octavius's opinion, it Warsaw very cozy place to relax after a long day of work. It was also where Octavius kept up his hobby: Science and the Development of New Things Program (or SDNTP, as Octavius had dubbed it). His current t prototype was called Power Pellets. They were pellets designed to have various effects, such as turning the user invisible or creating a teleportation portal. The pellets were made from various berries infused with powers from some runes Octavius had learned in his studies to become a good sorcerer.

    But Octavius was not concerned about SDNTP right now, as he was presenting the offer Leon had made to his wife, Catherine.

    "I don't think this is a good idea, Octavius." said Catherine, clearly concerned.

    "This could be our opportunity to not only have immense wealth, but fame and power as well. Think about it, Catherine, just think about it!" exclaimed Octavius.

    "Go if you want to go, honey. But here is my concern. As soon as it is general knowledge that I am your wife, I will have a lot of publicity. But the enemies you make will know that too. Once they do, guess who would be knocking on our door?" pointed out Catherine.

    "Very valid point you bring up, Catherine. Even if the house is okay on its own, we need to find a way to protect you. Do you have any ideas, Catherine?" asked Octavius.

    "No." replied the Gardevoir.

    "Wait a second! I have an idea! Have you ever heard of the Nuzleaf Mercenaries?"

    *****

    So, there's Chapter One for you! I'll get started on Chapter Two a.s.a.p, and as always, reviews are important. Until then, happy reading!

    -The Big Gig
    3DS FC: 4597 - 0384 - 5442

    If you add me, PM me with your friend code and I'll add you.
    Friend Safari: Grass; has Oddish, Ivysaur and Quilladin

  3. #3
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    I'm gonna say, this is pretty good!

    The prologue drew me in, and Chapter 1 kept me drawn in. Along with an interesting plot, this has interesting characters and perfect description. I would happily read future chapters.

    Saaatoshi!

  4. #4
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    I'm typing this review as I go along, but before I get into the bulk of what I'm going to say, please realize that I'm just offering some advice. Believe me, as an author, a lot of things don't always tie together, make a lot of sense, or are even revisited. Take these comments and work with them if you choose.

    Prologue:

    -What was this plague? How did it start? What were the symptoms? How long did it take for the humans to die out? (You said "several years after the plague..." After the plague had begun? Had ended?) Why didn't it affect Pokemon?
    -17 nations for 17 types. Hmm...okay. This can cause you some grief, because it really may be important to the story to discuss each nation. Every type has some sort of distinct attribute. Some unique personality. Those should be developed.
    -So, we don't know how the war began. Was this war named? I find it unusual that two Pokemon, who must hold some sort of influence, would just begin fighting, and that other Pokemon would follow suit.
    -Are the claws and horns symbolic? Can the claws even be found?
    -Why can't the water Pokemon traverse the sea?
    -Immense riches? Keep in mind, humans are extinct. What would a Pokemon want or need?
    -So, sea travel became possible again. Could the water Pokemon travel again?
    -Pokemon driving some sort of boat. Fun. How you make it sound is that these are immense battleships, and the Pokemon are having intense naval skirmishes using the weapons on their ships, but not their own attacks.

    So, the prologue is a prologue. It begins, and sets the tone for, this work. My biggest problems lie in the comments above, in addition to awkward phrasing, and inadequate context and description. You can improve on that. It isn't easy, at first, but it really helps to take your writing up another notch.

    Chapter 1:

    -How do the Pokemon have the resources to build these skyscrapers?
    -Why are the psychics the most developed?
    -There are 4 towers. Is this number significant, and are the towers significant?
    -Pokemon go out and eat berries. A developed system of something mirroring capitalism could work, if executed correctly. I just find it a little hard to believe that the Pokemon are now acting EXACTLY like the humans did before them.
    -How did a fighting type come to live in the psychic nation, and supervise the Pokemon of that nation?
    -The Pokemon, especially psychics, are advanced, yet forget about work and supporting their families in favor of finding some horns, which, to their knowledge, might not even exist? Word of mouth is not reliable because it allows for so many variations and changes to be made over the years. I understand that this is the basis for your story, but try and make your situations and conversations a little more believable.
    -The conversation between Leon and Octavius was off. At first, Leon had an authoritative tone, but that later shifted to Octavius, who is Leon's subordinate? It doesn't make sense.
    -Why wasn't Julius' internal conversation in quotes? It should be set aside from the rest of the text.

    My biggest problem here is that this story seems rushed. Everything would be so much better if you took a little more time and effort to sit and pay attention to what you're writing, and how you're writing it. I wish you the best, please add me to the pm list, and I hope that I'll be seeing more from you.
    Wish that I could be on more, but life happens. If you need anything, lemme know.

    (I'm an English major. I know how to read and write. If you need someone to proofread any fanfiction, I'm your guy.)

  5. #5
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    @supersmew: Thanks! It is always nice to know that people appreciate my work.

    @legendarypokemonjunkie17: Great advice! I will keep this in mind as I am writing Chapter 2. As you can see in the first post, you have been added to the PM list.

    Chapter 2 is currently underway, and hopefully it will be up sometime soon. Until then!

    -The Big Gig
    3DS FC: 4597 - 0384 - 5442

    If you add me, PM me with your friend code and I'll add you.
    Friend Safari: Grass; has Oddish, Ivysaur and Quilladin

  6. #6
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    Hello again! Chapter 2 is finally finished! Sorry it took so long, I had a hard time accessing Microsoft Word, and I got caught up with real life. It ended up being about 4 pages on Word. But why not I stop talking and let you enjoy this chapter.

    CHAPTER 2

    The Range of Justice, Fighting Nation, Present Day

    The Range of Justice was well known as the border between the two Districts of the Fighting Nation. The first District was the Political District, where most residential homes were, as well as government. The other district was the Religious District.

    The Religious District did not rely on much electricity, produced by hard workers in the Electric Nation. They believed in not wasting energy to power their homes, and that they most spend their days honing their minds and bodies to perfection, so the Fighting Nation lived up to its name. One of the famous places that practiced this was the Temple of Aura, a cult-like group residing at the peak of the Range of Justice, believing that by isolating oneself in one of the most remote places in the world in freezing temperatures, one could achieve true perfection.

    In this Temple, Pokemon wishing to seek physical, mental and spiritual perfection trained against each other day and night. One such fight was happening right now.

    “Augh…” panted a Meditite, having just been defeated. “I must train harder if I ever wish to defeat Balthasar!”

    “Don’t worry, young Meditite. I was once like you. But I remained dedicated, and look where I am now. If you stay dedicated just like I was as a young Riolu I’m sure a day will come when it will be me at your knees, pleading for mercy,” a Lucario replied. Soon enough, a Medicham approached.

    “The whole Temple is inspired by your encouraging words, Balthasar,” stated the Medicham, whose Aura obviously stated she was being sarcastic. “Young one, go rest and prepare to continue your quest for pureness. Balthasar, I have a special request of you. Follow me.”

    “Yes, Madame,” said Balthasar.

    The Aura Pinnacle

    The roof of the Temple of Aura, the Pinnacle was extremely cold, considering it was parallel to the Justice Summit.

    “Balthasar, the reason I have called you here is because I have received a cryptic message from what I believe to be… to say the least, higher beings than just Pokemon. The nature is of the most disturbing nature. I wanted you to see,” said Madame, and placed a hand on Balthasar,s head. Balthasar’s eyes closed, and he experienced the message that Madame had carried in her soul.

    *****

    Balthasar was floating in darkness for what seemed to be eternity. Finally, he felt his feet touch the ground.

    It was a vast plain, but unlike blue skies, like one would’ve expected, the sky was still filled with the same darkness that had haunted him before. Then, slowly, a city appeared around him, and a funnel of dark storm clouds slowly rising to a pitch black sky appeared above him.

    It was the world-famous Alkaline City. But it was different. The whole city was abandoned, like the Lost Colony of Roanoke in the human mythos that was known only in museum exhibits around the United Islands. And it was in ruins. The four Alkaline Towers had collapsed, as well as most of the residential buildings.

    A lone group of Nuzleaf patrolled the streets, when what seemed to be a cloud of darkness appeared before them. It grew hands and attacked them. They retaliated immediately, dancing around it like Murkrow. Then the clouds opened a void of darkness below one of them, and a Nuzleaf dropped in, as the void shut, and deposited out the same Nuzleaf, fast asleep.

    Balthasar wanted to attack it, but he was like a ghost: he was invisible, and he couldn’t do a thing to help the poor Nuzleaf group. Then the cloud of darkness formed a scythe, and plunged it into the sleeping Nuzleaf. Balthasar watched in pain as the Nuzleaf’s comrades gathered around him and carried him off to safety. Then the cloud of darkness turned to Balthasar, and sent him into the void.

    Inside the void, he felt nothing. But he saw a cryptic message in bold white appear before him in ripples:

    If you tamper with the Horns, it could happen to you.

    And then, Balthasar was lost in oblivion.

    *****

    Balthasar woke at the Pinnacle, with Madame standing over him.

    “What do you think we should do, Madame?” asked Balthasar.

    “I was thinking that to prevent anyone from having to suffer from this monster, we must find and destroy the Horns,” replied Madame.

    “But how do we do that when we don’t know what the Horns are?” wondered Balthasar.

    “What do you mean, you don’t know what the Horns are!?” laughed Madame, and told Balthasar the legend of the Horns of Xerneas.

    “So you mean to tell me that these Horns that might not even exist have got that many Pokemon pouring everything they own into a myth, only to be brutally murdered by that cloud of darkness?” questioned Balthasar

    “As far as I know, none of the Horn hunters know about the cloud of darkness. But the reason I called you instead of another trainee is because you are our best fighter. You must travel the world and destroy the Horns, and sink any ship that wishes to find it that refuses to end their hunt, and does not believe that this cloud of darkness will come. If any wish to hinder your progress, do not be afraid to unleash your full power on them, because of the imperative nature of your mission,” ordered Madame.

    “One last question: What if by tamper, that cryptic message meant destroy? Then it would be me unleashing that cloud of darkness on the world,” said Balthasar.

    Madame was silent for a long time. Then, she spoke.

    “Change of plans: Steal the Horns, and bring them here. Once we have them, we will decide what to do. Now, off to find the Horns!”

    And with that, Balthasar gathered some assorted Berries and Gummis, and set off on his journey.

    *****

    Well, how was that? Don't be afraid to review, and maybe sometime in the near future, you'll see Chapter 3!

    -The Big Gig
    3DS FC: 4597 - 0384 - 5442

    If you add me, PM me with your friend code and I'll add you.
    Friend Safari: Grass; has Oddish, Ivysaur and Quilladin

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