Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 26 to 32 of 32

Thread: What now..?

  1. #26
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    I'm on a boat mother... what?
    Posts
    5,225

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Charizard-Fan View Post
    This was a great chapter, and Tyson vs Sidney sure was a very good battle. I'm a bit of disappointed for Metagross not starring (Metagross is one of my favourite Pokemon, plus I consider it to be Tyson's strongest Pokemon), but oh well, at least it beat one Pokemon before going down. And since Tyson will have 3 more battles against Elite Four members (I assume he will face them all), and also against Steven if he beats them all, Metagross can still star in some match.
    Thanks I won't say anything, but... I agree with all you said about Metagross

    By the way, it seems like Donphan is one of Tyson's weakest Pokemon. It lost one off-screen battle in Hoenn League, it also lost Ash's Swellow despite using Rollout four times (it's good to keep in mind that Ash's Swellow can be a true beast, though) and now it was also a fall-guy against Sidney. It's good that Donphan is not one of my favourite Pokemon (though I still like it).
    I know I think Donphan just doesn't get very lucky match ups, and even I'll admit that I made it lose here to give Metagross a win because I see Metagross as a stronger Pokemon

    Hariyama vs Absol was also a very good final battle, and it was exciting until the end. Hariyama sure is strong. I'd even say it might be Tyson's 3rd strongest Pokemon (I think Metagross and Meowth are stronger).
    Thanks again xD I think Hariyama is there in 3rd like you said, but tied with Sceptile :P xD

  2. #27
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    517

    Default

    Firstly, the mistakes I found
    Sidney: Thank you Steven.
    Thank you, Steven.
    When people talk to somebody, use a comma before the name. E.g.
    Max: "Thank you, Barry!
    Ash: "Dawn, are you all right?"
    Tyson: Donphan, are you okay?!
    Yeah, here you did it right.
    Donphan (steps back, with a sick look): Phan…
    Here you don't need a comma before with.
    Tyson (thinking to himself): C’mon Donphan…
    I guess it is not exactly "thinking to himself", because Tyson can't think to other people. So use either "is thinking" or "says to himself".
    Tyson (whispering to himself): What should I do..?
    You can't use:
    1)two dots ".."/ You can use either one . or 3 ...
    2)you can't use dots before a question mark. You can use one of them.
    Donphan (lying on the floor): Phan…

    Tyson (grabs his Pokeball): You were great, you really were! You deserve some rest, though! Man, we gotta stop that Surf!
    Here is the arguable point I have noticed.
    You write"Donphan lies on the floor", and then Tyson returns it. But, it is not clear that Donphan was KOed. I mean, it can be lying on the floor, but still be able to battle.
    There were many examples of this:
    1)Ash recalled Muk, who was lying (against Blastoise)
    2)Ash recalled Donphan (against Schuckle)
    etc.
    Write "with spiral eyes", (Donphan gets knocked out), (Sharpedo's Surf attack hits Donphan hard, making him unable to battle/to continue the battle)
    Tyson (yells too): Metagross, strike back with Psychic!

    (Sharpedo’s eyes launch a black beam that collides with an invisible wave)
    It is not invisible, because we have a proof of that:
    http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/th...ss_Psychic.png
    Tyson: Metagross, finish this with Meteor Punch!
    LOLz Meteor Mash
    By the way, it seems like Donphan is one of Tyson's weakest Pokemon. It lost one off-screen battle in Hoenn League, it also lost Ash's Swellow despite using Rollout four times (it's good to keep in mind that Ash's Swellow can be a true beast, though) and now it was also a fall-guy against Sidney.*
    I agree with StarDestroyer here.
    Well, that's it.

    I liked the chapter and the whole battle vs Sidney.
    You described it very well, and I think you like Hariyama, because it took down half of Sidney's team.
    It was really funny when Phoebe was giving Tyson hints, and when Sidney became angry at her
    Also liked this line:
    Tyson: It really has… but to fight sheer power, we need sheer power! Go, Metagross!

    Sidney (with a surprised look): A… Metagross?

    Phoebe (laughing): Even Sidney is surprised!

    Sidney (glazes at her): Hm.

    Steven: You can tell he’s been very well trained...
    Ahaha, of course Steven should have said that! That's his favourite Pokemon
    Great job!
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 15th February 2013 at 9:30 PM.

  3. #28
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    I'm on a boat mother... what?
    Posts
    5,225

    Default

    Thanks Raymon, I edited the mistakes. For the "no 2 dots, only 3, or only 1" I corrected just the example, but in the next chapter I will have it correct

    "Here is the arguable point I have noticed.
    You write"Donphan lies on the floor", and then Tyson returns it. But, it is not clear that Donphan was KOed. I mean, it can be lying on the floor, but still be able to battle.
    There were many examples of this:
    1)Ash recalled Muk, who was lying (against Blastoise)
    2)Ash recalled Donphan (against Schuckle)
    etc.
    Write "with spiral eyes", (Donphan gets knocked out), (Sharpedo's Surf attack hits Donphan hard, making him unable to battle/to continue the battle)"
    I actually also thought of that. I wasn't sure if I was being too clear or not, thanks for noticing though, I will take it into consideration in later chapters

    Ahaha, of course Steven should have said that! That's his favourite Pokemon
    Yay you got it XD I was hoping someone would get that :P xD

    Thanks hehe

    BTW- I do like Hariyama XD I also like all the other Pokemon he has, and you guys should expect to see Donphan do much better in one battle later on

    BTW 2- OMG How did I forget to write Meteor Mash O.o It kinda ruins the whole scene because in my mind I had it as Meteor Punch ;_;

  4. #29
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    517

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Thanks Raymon, I edited the mistakes.

    BTW- I do like Hariyama XD I also like all the other Pokemon he has, and you guys should expect to see Donphan do much better in one battle later on
    You are welcome

    BTW - Don't change your decision because of us. If you thought some Pokemon winning next chapter, and now you want to change it because of us, just don't. Do like you wanted from the beginning

    And how could I forget?
    Tyson (thinking): C’mon Donphan…
    Come on! It is not spelled that way!
    Hope you understood

  5. #30
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    I'm on a boat mother... what?
    Posts
    5,225

    Default

    It is what I wanted since the beginning :P

    But... but... you can also say C'mon :P It's like slang for Come on, but it works too XD

  6. #31
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Pewter city
    Posts
    290

    Default

    well written chapter dude...I'm unhappy for donphan though....so I guess next chapter will be about training to face glacia....my hopes are up for tyson's new pokemon....

  7. #32
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    I'm on a boat mother... what?
    Posts
    5,225

    Default

    Thanks Donphan will definitely do better in another battle, don't worry
    I haven't decided anything for the next chapter to be honest, and I definitely won't start this week because I've already got a lot of work, but I'll be brainstorming for ideas ^^

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •