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Thread: Within Our Crumbling World (Advanceshipping)

  1. #1

    Default Within Our Crumbling World (Advanceshipping)

    Rated PG-13

    Hello! I'm SailorMikuMoon, but I like to be called Skitty. This is my first shipping fanfiction (I've only written pokemon creepypastas), and even though the intro didn't turn out like I wanted it to, I do hope you like it! My written voice will develop as the story progresses, so the finale will be amazing! This story is available on fanfiction.net too, under the same name (same username too!). Without further ado, Within our crumbling world!

    Chapter 1

    Wind rushing over her face, water flowing underneath the ship, a young teenager, May, awaits her arrival to Vermillion Town. She was then to take a small train to Pallet Town. She was going to visit her best friend, Ash, after he finished the Unova Region. She had finished the Sinnoh Region a while ago, and up till then she was staying with her family in the Hoenn Region.

    I wonder if he misses me, May thought. Or maybe he's been to busy to think about me.

    She decided that it was time for dinner once twilight approached. Treading the dining hall, her problems were almost immediately pushed to the darkest corner of her mind.

    After filling about 5 plates sky high, May started chowing down. However, when she saw people staring at her, she sighed. It wasn't the same, wasn't as fun, without Ash.

    After she finished her food and put her dirty plates on the table for cleaning, she went to her room. She took a shower and put on her night clothes.

    Nevertheless, when she tried to turn on the TV, all that came was static. She hadn't used it the whole time on the ship, so why was it acting so wierd? Confused, she called maintenance. They took a look at her TV upon arrival.

    "Well, it looks like the cable went out, girl," A big, burly man with a white beard said. "I wonder why. It's been the same with the TVs of other passengers also. The cable has been out for the duration of the trip."

    "Does that mean I can't watch the news? If you can't fix it?" May asked gently.

    "That's what it looks like. You have no need to worry, though, because the trip ends tomorrow," the kind man said reassuringly. "I'm John by the way. Call me if you need anything."

    "I'm May, nice to meet you.

    And with that, he left.

    ----------------

    At noon, May packed her clothes and such, and went to eat lunch. Too excited about seeing Ash to eat anything more than a half of a turkey sandwich, she quickly finished her breakfast. She figured it might be a good idea to see if John had found out what caused the TV static.

    She asked the captain where John might be, and he pointed her in the direction of the maintenance room.

    May stepped into John's office. It consisted of large desk full of paperwork, a computer, a small TV, and a rolling chair where John sat.

    "Hello?" she said in an sweet, innocent voice.

    "Huh? Oh, why hello May!

    "You seem to have so much work to do here. Why do you have an office in the first place?" May asked, albeit a bit rudely.

    "Why, I'm the maintenance manager! I have to keep the ship and my crew under control," he said, jolly. "Did you need something?"

    "Oh, yes! I was wondering if you figured out what was causing the TV static?" she regained her delicate tone and questioning.

    Be as that may, he frowned. "I'm not sure you could handle such information. You're still so young."

    "But I'm 18. And I'm certain I've been through worse," she reasoned truthfully, thinking of her adventures with a certain, kind, delightful, handsome, fun-

    "Yes, 18 is certainly mature," he muttered sarcastically under his breath. May was still looking at him with hopeful eyes. He knew she was very young, but her eyes showed that she was so much wiser beyond her years.

    Sighing, he spoke up. "Well, we didn't find out what is causing the static, but we have a much bigger, more prominent problem on our hands," He looked up to see her staring down at him with sparkling interest. "The problem is that the ship stopped receiving radio signals from Kanto and Hoenn. We aren't lost, but it's still concerning."

    "I'm sure it's fine. This happens, right? Besides, we'll find and fix the problem when we get there. Don't get yourself down about it!" May smiled encouragingly, although she herself was about to crumble with panic. What are causing the radio signals to go down? Was Ash okay? Would she be able to see him?

    John smiled back. "Yes, you're probably right. Now, if you please, run along. I have quite a bit of work to do."

    "Of course. See ya, John! I hope we meet again after we dock!" She waved at the door, then closed it quietly behind her.

    ----------------

    May walked towards the deck to wait for Kanto to show on the horizon. When she leaned on the rails, however, Kanto seemed to have magically appeared skyline. It was closing the distance between itself and the ship.

    Black plumes of smoke rose to the darkening blue sky. Confused immensely, May checked the map of Kanto on her Pokenav. It didn't seem to exist. In fact, neither did the maps of the other regions.

    She looked back at the dark clouds building up in the sky. First taking a step back, then turning and running back towards John's office.

    ------------------

    "John! Come quick! You have to see Kanto!" May pushed the door open. She went and grabbed his arm and pulled him up out of his seat. "Come on!"

    "What? Okay, okay, calm down, May. I'll go see it." He pulled his arm out of her grasp, and started to walk out the door towards the deck. May quickly followed.

    "See? Kanto is going up in flames! My Pokenav won't show it's map, or the other regions!" May said, panicked. When she looked up to John, he had a hint of fear in his eyes.

    "I-I should go tell the captain," he said, a bit unsteadily. As he turned to walk to the captain's quarter's, the intercom sounded throughout the ship.

    "Attention passengers. When we dock, you are ordered to stay on the ship. Crew members will go out and get fuel so that we may dock somewhere safer. Thank you for your time."

    CLICK, went the intercom after being presumably mounted in it's original place.

    May looked towards the vast expansion of smoke that clouded the sky. She wasn't going to just watch as destruction terrorized Vermillion, and possibly the rest of Kanto.

    "Attention again, passengers. We are about to dock. Remember to stay on the ship and do not leave under any circumstances. Thank you."

    ------------------

    The usually abiding brunette then turned around and walked swiftly to her room. When she got there, she rummaged through her bag until she found the pokeball she was looking for.

    The ship docked and the passengers were ordered to stay inside their rooms. May sneaked out of her room and down the halls. Crew members guarded the front entrance of the ship. Ready for this outcome, she went around to the back and called out her pokemon, Wartortle.

    "Wartortle, I need you to get me to the beach, just a few meters that way," May pointed towards the front of the ship.

    "Wartortle?" he questioned.

    "They aren't letting anyone off the ship. Come on, let's go," she finished. Wartortle trusted his trainer's orders and jumped into the water, with May close behind. She grabbed onto his shell, and with her orders in place, they were off.

    Stepping on the soft, pale beaches of Vermillion, May looked up at the destruction of the city. Despite the crumbling buildings and violent fires, she vowed to find the meaning under this ruination.

    And find Ash.

    -------------------------

    How did you like it? I'm really nervous because there are so many great authors on serebii, and I don't think I can compete! I don't know when I'll post the next chapter, possibly in a week or two. I start school again next week, so it might be a bit later. If I may add, if you find a good place to end a...arc? Where the lines are, then please tell me and I'll put it in! If you find any plot holes, I'll do my best to rewrite it so that it makes sense. Anyway, please review if you liked it, or even if you didn't! Constructive criticism encouraged! Also, flame the story, not the ship (some author said it, and I liked how it sounded). Or else you get no cookies.

    And with that, I bid you adieu!

    -Skitty
    Last edited by sailormikumoon; 4th January 2013 at 6:42 AM.
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

  2. #2

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    Hello there! Skitty's back with the second chapter of "Within Our Crumbling World"! I'd love if you reviewed it. Even if you didn't like it, I'd love to know what I can improve in! Also, sorry for the terribly short chapter. Chapters 1 & 2 are more introduction chapters, and I will try with all my might to make Chapter 3 longer! Without further ado, "Within Our Crumbling World" Chapter 2!

    Chapter 2


    May treaded steadily off the beaches that were slowly filling up with ash. When she reached the top, she noticed the debris stretching across the city, or at least as far as she could see. Few buildings remained standing, but wavered at the slightest breeze.

    The buildings weren't the only things that were destroyed. Dead bodies littered the streets, along with their pokemon. The night made it out to be even more evil and sorrowful. The gruesome sight made May tear up and choke up simultaneously. She couldn't look away, though, because there wasn't a place where death wasn't present.

    Suddenly, a large roar was heard behind her. May turned to see a fiery dog beast growling in her direction. Remembering that she didn't return Wartortle, she called,

    "Wartortle! Hydro Pump!" Wartortle jumped from behind her while gushing water out of it's mouth. A direct hit against the Arcanine.

    "Alright, Wartortle! Use-" she was cut off by the other pokemon that headed her way. Now a pack, the Arcanine circled her. Terrified as she was, she grabbed her other pokemon and sent them out.

    She had six of her own pokemon against the six Arcanine. Already present Wartortle was joined by a pink kitten pokemon - Skitty, a red, fire type pokemon - Blaziken, a large plant pokemon - Venasaur, a butterfly pokemon - Beautifly, and a blue fox-like pokemon - Glaceon. Praying to Arceus that it would be enough to take care of the Arcanine, she jumped into battle.

    "Skitty, Blizzard on as many Arcanine as you can! Blaziken, Sky Uppercut! Venasaur, Razor Leaf! Beautifly, Silver Wind! Glaceon, Secret Power! And Wartortle, Hydropump!" She finished, out of breath.

    She noticed her loyal pokemon abiding by her word, and wondered why the other pokemon were attacking. They looked like trainers' pokemon - each very well groomed and powerful. Without notice, Beautifly cried out and fell to the ground, terribly injured by a super-effective flamethrower.

    "Beautifly!" May exclaimed. She ran over to it, thank it for fighting for so hard, and returned it. Looking up, she saw the others growing ever so tired. Now on the verge of panic, she shut her eyes and thought hard about the next course of action.

    However, before such thought could be put into initiative, a call come from the navy blue sky above.

    "Flygon, use Dragonbreath!" said a voice she had grown accustomed to over the years of being a co-ordinator. Looking at the black silhouette that spurt flames out of it's mouth, she squinted at the person atop it, trying to figure out who thy mystery person is.

    Eventually, after enough of the Dragonbreath, the pack dispersed, badly injured. May wholeheartedly thanked her pokemon before returning them to their pokeballs. The Flygon landed in front of her, and she saw man around her age with green hair on top of it. He jumped off and greeted her with a smug smile.

    "Drew!" she yelled sincerely. "You saved me and my pokemon! Thank you so much!" She hugged him tightly to show her thanks towards saving her life.

    "Heh heh, yeah. You're lucky I'm came to save you. You're pokemon couldn't last that long against a pack of Arcanine," he said complacently.

    "What's that supposed to mean?" She let go of him. "You think my pokemon can't manage? What's your problem?"

    He looked genuinely shocked at her reaction. "Um, well, I mean…uh sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

    It was May's turned to be shocked. She had never heard him apologize before. She shook her head and asked him why he was there.

    "Well, I knew you were coming to Kanto. When Hoenn was in ruins, I flew here to check on you, and to find tranquility. But it looks like it's a worldwide thing," he explained.

    When he finished he noticed May had stepped back and was looking at the floor. Drew leaned forward to see her spilling tears. Her face was contorted in some sort of anger and sorrow picture. And indescribable picture of depression. Her fists were clenched tightly, almost like she was trying to break her hand. Maybe she was.

    "Hoenn too? And the rest of the world? Are my parents okay? Is Max okay? Why did I leave right when the world started to fall apart?" At that point she fell to her knees sobbing. Other than sadness and frustration, she was scared. Terrified, even.

    Drew knelt beside her and put his arm around her shoulder. Despite his real intentions of winning her heart, he knew at this moment that she just needed comfort. There, while Vermillion fell, sat the unbelievable sight, in May's eyes, of May crying in the comfort of Drew.

    And not Ash.

    This factor simply added to her misery.

    --------------------------

    In the early morning as dawn broke across the sky is when May finally calmed down. She looked up at Drew. He had fallen asleep. Despite this, she had a favor to ask of him, so she shook him until he awoke.

    "Drew? Drew, wake up," she whispered as his eyes fluttered open. "Drew, I wan't to find Ash. But I'm scared. And my pokemon are still tired and hurt from last night. Will you accompany me?"

    His face warped into jealousy at the mention of Ash. May found that confusing and strange. Why would he be jealous of Ash? Drew is a co-ordinator, and the only thing he has in common with Ash is their friendship with…

    May.

    Drew liked her. It made sense now. Why he came all the way out here. Why he would be nice to her, although she didn't understand why he would be rude. Why he secretly told her wanted her to go with him to the Johto Region (A.N. Let just pretend that this happened). His actions make sense.

    Drew must have noticed her surprised expression, because he waved his hand in front of her face to get her attention.

    "May, are you okay? You seem spaced out," he asked worriedly. May just sat in mere silence. Her appalled expression confused Drew.

    "May? May. May," no answer. "May!" he yelled louder, getting annoyed quickly. "MAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

    His hand rose, ready to strike her. She snapped out of her sudden trance and grabbed his wrist. "What do you think you're doing, Drew?"

    He realized his actions and shakily put his hand down. What was he trying to do? Now unnerved, Drew remembered what he wanted to tell her.

    "I-I'll help you look for Ash, if that's what you want."

    "It is," she said, feeling that she had a little something over Drew.

    "Then we should start searching. Hop on Flygon, he'll take us anywhere," Drew said in a sort of depressed manner.

    The two sat on the back of the dragon and took off towards the brightening sky.

    Drew in hopes of some how gaining May's heart.

    And May in finding Ash and his heart.
    ------------------

    The third chapter will be up in about 1-3 days.
    I'll be back!
    Adieu~
    Skitty
    Last edited by sailormikumoon; 8th January 2013 at 2:01 AM.
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

  3. #3

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    Chapter 3
    “Come on, May! Why not? It’s safer!” a green haired teenager, Drew, tried to reason with his stubborn brunette partner, May.

    “No! There’s no reason to! I don’t want to!” May shot back in a frustrated tone. Couldn’t he just let it go?

    “Yes there is! It’s safer! Now just grab on to me!” He yelled at her.

    “I said it before and I’m going to say it again! NO, and that’s final!” she hissed the last sentence. Drew looked back at her, hurt trying; yet failing, to hide itself in his features. He turned around and looked back to the upcoming land.

    May sighed. She really didn’t want to hurt Drew’s feelings. She just felt that she shouldn’t lead him on. Even though he was the one to ask her to hold on to him, she didn’t want to give any hints or such that would be taken the wrong way. It was only this reason, and this reason alone, that she didn’t hold on to him.

    Quite simply, she was terrified at this point. They were hundreds of feet off the ground, and all she had to hold onto was Flygon’s fur. Excepting her fate, and clutching tightly, she closed her eyes and soared into a blissful daydream.

    --------------------

    “May, come on! I want you to see this!” a gorgeous young man with messy black hair and chocolaty brown eyes call out to her. He had run ahead and now waited for her to catch up.

    “Can’t you slow down? Do we really have to get there so fast?” a chestnut brunette, May, said, tired from her chase.

    “Yes! We have to get there by twilight!” the young man said. “Here, I’ll carry you on my back,” he crouched down and looked back at here with eager, hungry eyes.

    May blushed dark red and climbed on his back. He “hmph”ed his way back to his feet, and took off at a breakneck speed. Her embarrassment was left behind with her stomach and she started to laugh like a madman. The man had hesitatingly chuckled, but soon began to laugh loudly, in sync with her.

    After a few minutes of intense laughing, the boy started to slow down as silvery water showed at the horizon. Seeing that they were in the middle of a forest, May wondered what could possibly be ahead of her that would shine like that.

    But as they neared closer, she saw it to be a lake. A huge, sparkling, twilight-lit lake that was surrounded by trees, except for the small, 2 meter by 4 meter clearing they had stepped in.

    May gasped. She had never seen a more beautiful scene than this. Water pokemon jumped out of the water, sparkling. Stantler, Deerling, and Sawsbuck drunk from the edge of the lake. The twilight sky reflected against the rippling water making orange-blue waves that crashed gently onto the pebbly shore. The trees close to the edge created a cool feel to the warm evening, adding elongated shadows to the clearing and shore.

    “So how do you like it May?” he asked with a sincere, hopeful look on his adorable face.

    “It’s…it’s really absolutely gorgeous. How did you find such a place?”

    “When I went on a small vacation with my mother. I was very little and we had only taken a small boat to Fuchsia city. I snuck into the Safari Zone. And when you get far enough, it isn’t the Safari Zone anymore, it becomes it’s own relic. A forest relic. I had found this lake and fell asleep in this clearing. When I awoke, police were surrounding me. Apparently, my mother had called the police to help look for me. But, I always knew to come back here whenever I had the chance. Last time I had come alone. But now I’m with you,” he smiled warmly at May’s blushing features.

    May saw the boy’s lovely face leaning forward. She invited him by leaning in herself, ready for the soft impact.

    And when their lips met, she could have sworn that she and him left their bodies to float above and dance to a gentle waltz.

    And when the re-entered their bodies, he asked for the permission to enter her mouth with his tongue, and she obliged. She could feel his warm breath mix with her’s, creating a harmony.

    His hands ran down her torso to her hips, where they start a miniature waltz inside their own bodies.

    Her hands found his smooth back underneath his shirt as she started to pull it over his head. He began to follow her lead and do the same as—

    ROAR!!!

    May awoke and found herself once again on the back of a green dragon pokemon. It seemed her daydream had evolved into a full blown dream.

    For all that, when she looked up, she almost closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Surrounding them were about fifteen pokemon consisting of however many Charizards, Pigdeots, Fearows, and Dragonites.

    “D-Drew, what is going on?” May stuttered in silent dread. But she knew what was going on. She knew exactly what was happening. She just needed to hear confidence in someone’s voice to know that it would be all right.

    “Really, May. Isn’t it obvious? They’re attacking us. They want to hurt us,” Drew said in absolutely no way comforting. Hidden in his cold voice lay uncertainty and fear. May cringed at his tone; it very much scared her.

    While still trying to interpret Drew’s expression, May felt a sudden burning sensation in her right foot. She looked over and saw a large, red dragon creature had blown a powerful Flamethrower at Flygon’s side where her foot was. She screamed in pain as she noticed it.

    She then heard Drew’s yell join with her’s and saw him get burned on his right arm. It was a terrible burn; his skin was dark and charred, and this sight rattle May even closer to her core.

    “Flygon, fly closer to the ground so that if we fall we won’t get as hurt,” Drew instructed. Flygon did as it was told and flew closer to the forest floor below, now about a mile above the ground. May was growling with tremendous pain.

    Drew was about to say something when in the moment, something struck Flygon and it started to fall. May saw the ground come quickly towards her, so she shut her eyes in a way that comforted her and made the world go away. If only just for a mere second.

    But, alas, it was only a mere second of closed eyes but not of calm, for someone had wrapped their arms around her. She opened her eyes and saw Drew smiling back at her.

    She once again saw the ground close in on them she screamed when she realized that when they landed, she would land on Drew and hurt him. She twisted wildly in an attempt to break free of his arms, but he wouldn’t let her.

    *THUMP*

    And then he was screaming. And May was too. Drew because he was hurt, and May because she was scared for him, and her foot burned like the fire that hit it.

    For the second time on that trip, May heard a low chorus of growls sounded behind her. She scrambled off Drew and turned around. Expecting was she saw, she sent out her Venasaur. In a strangely calm manner she said:

    “Venasaur, Frenzy Plant.”

    She wasn’t sure if Venasaur knew Frenzy Plant or not – she couldn’t remember at the moment. But her guess was correct. Venasaur glowed an ominous green and spiked roots came bolting out of the ground. It hit some of the pokemon, however the fire-typed Charizards remained strong and able. Along with this, some of the other pokemon had flown up into the air and all around avoided the attack. A terrible croaking voice was trying to say something to her. She turned around and saw Drew motioning for her to come closer.

    “May, get out of here. Save yourself. I’ll just be a pain to bring along, and you’re hurt. Go.” He demanded softly.

    “No, I can’t allow you to die like this! At the hands of pokemon! That’s cruel!” she argued.

    “No, leave. Everyone has to die someday, and that day for me is now. Call out Blaziken.” She did as she was told. She wasn’t blind; she knew that Drew was going to die, so she might as well resign to doing what he wanted.

    May reacted quickly. Blaziken was out of her ball in a second.

    ------------------------

    Drew whispered into Blaziken’s ear, then turned back to his beloved.

    He brought his hand to the side of her face and to her hair. And, of course, she let him. Because he was dying.

    But Drew did something that May didn’t expect. He pulled her face to his and kissed her passionately. May, just for a moment, forgot what was happening and relax – not so much that she would start to kiss him back, but just so that she didn’t struggle.

    Then it hit her that Drew was kissing her. She backed up quickly and spit albeit quite rudely. She looked back at Drew and saw the pain evident in his face and in his eyes. His green eyes that reflected his pain and hurt, and suddenly, a darker essence. Hatred. He knew why May had backed away.

    She didn’t love him.

    She loved that Ketchup kid or something.

    And he couldn’t fight for her, because he was going to die.

    But at that second that May was lifted by Blaziken and taken away, it so happened that he figured out that he was dying. There was nothing to be done about this case and even if he could live, he could do nothing to control her. Nothing at all.

    So he decided to be happy for her.

    So, coming to this conclusion, he was able to somehow die peacefully while being burned alive by the fiery attacks of the birds and dragons.

    With May hopefully out of range to hear his screams of pain and anguish.

    ---------------------------

    May commanded Blaziken to stop about 2 miles away from the incident. She jumped from her pokemon’s arms and leaped onto the ground with a gentle thump.

    “Blaziken, I can hear him,” May choked out in agony. His screams penetrated her skull and brain in an unimaginable mental angst.

    As angry as she was at him for kissing her, it couldn’t compare to her sadness in seeing his hatred for her. Or maybe hatred for Ash. Or both. But she knew that she would never get the chance to ask for forgiveness from Drew. She wouldn’t be able to ask anything of Drew again.

    And after a few minutes the screaming stopped in an abrupt nature, causing her to flinch. May gasped out of fear when she saw the flying pokemon take to the sky. Blaziken swiftly hid her among the trees so she wouldn’t be seen, knowing all to well that May wasn’t capable of doing so herself.

    Then May started crying. Sobbing, even. She couldn’t control it. Even as an arrogant, know-it-all, passive-aggressive person, Drew was still one of her closest friends. And now he was dead. She could think of it this way or as just another person added to her personal list of deaths.

    However, she chose the first option out of respect. She composed herself slightly and asked Blaziken this:

    “Take me to Drew.”

    And so they took off back towards the spot of Drew’s death. In a matter of minutes they were at the setting where many things happened. May didn’t care to recount any of them, although one occurrence was hard to get out of her head, seeing as proof sat in front of her eyes.

    As it may be, with that, she sat down next to Drew, and cried.

    -----------------------

    A young man around the age of 18 or 19, possibly even 20 was walking around in Viridian Forest looking for food and a way out. He had his best friend and companion with him. It was a small, cute, yellow creature with red cheeks and brown stripes on his back, the base of his tail, and the tips of his ears.

    The man had messy black hair that held a sort of cleanliness to it, and sweet brown eyes that cared for every sight it saw.

    The man heard a faint scream from the distance, perhaps 2 ˝ - 3 miles away. It was followed by a flock of Pidgey’s flying towards the clouds and a small plume of dust that rose a little above the dark green trees.

    Immediately, he rushed towards the plume. He could tell it meant that someone or something was hurt, and he needed to make sure that he could help it. Even if it would take him a while, he would get there.

    ---------------------

    May continued to sob softly. She had returned Blaziken to her pokeball, and even though she knew that it was unsafe, she needed to be alone. By herself.

    She was so lost in her own world of sorrow and guilt that she didn’t notice the footsteps that came up behind her. A voice was heard from what sounded like 3 meters away. And it asked a simple, yet one only to get more intricate, question.

    “...May?”
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

  4. #4
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    Why such the rise of war-like advanceshipping stories? Haha.

    Well where to start, I like that Ash is missing while his hometown is in ruins and Drew is certainly likeable her. Plot ideas, great. but if we fix on your writing this story will be even better.

    First, describe what you see in your mind. Be creative as you can without going overboard! Like this scene in chapter two.

    The buildings weren't the only things that were destroyed. Dead bodies littered the streets, along with their pokemon. The night made it out to be even more evil and sorrowful. The gruesome sight made May tear up and choke up simultaneously. She couldn't look away, though, because there wasn't a place where death wasn't present.

    You can stretch this out and add more depth and emotion to get things really started. Example:

    The air was filled with smoke and what was the peaceful town of Pallet was no longer recognized for it peace. Once admired buildings that took months to build laid flat like playing cards and people that once had such unique personalities laid silent in front of her along with their beloved pokemon. The sense of death sent shivers up her spine and the eerie sensation of fear and corruption started to sink in. The night that was filled with death that sent a tear down the girl's cheek as she choked up after. She could not take her eyes off the scene not because she liked it - it was because there was not one street, building or footpath that was not coated in blood of the dead.

    If you break the themes down you can add more to them such as:

    Destroyed buildings - you could describe them falling down like cards because without support they fall like playing cards. People - personality - happiness, joy - unique. By telling us that they were once loved and tell us how innocent they were you can really pull some heart strings. Get one word and branch off it and see how far you can go with it.

    Go and play the life as the character you are writing about and you might get a better understanding of the world their in or what they are facing. Also don't rush when writing, span things out. Make us understand your story more by taking the time to explain even the most little things. The little things that you focus to write on, when put together will end up as one great written story.

    Hope this helped. Keep up the great work.
    Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 13th January 2013 at 12:08 PM.

  5. #5

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    Thank you so much for your review! I will definitely try my hardest to add more depth and detail into my story, and I have noticed that I have that problem while writing.

    Also, to clear up any confusion, she docked in Vermillion and that's where she was at first. Sorry if that detail wasn't well explained.

    Thanks!
    Adieu~
    Skitty
    Last edited by sailormikumoon; 13th January 2013 at 4:15 PM.
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

  6. #6
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    Well at least you noticed, some writers when told up front in a review sometimes refuse to accept that their writing has some flaws.

    Oh, maybe that is my mistake. I must of read over it. I was beta reading another story while reading yours and much of got the names of the towns mixed up. Sorry about that.

  7. #7

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    Okay, you little bunnies, here's long awaited Chapter 4! It's not quite like I wanted it at the end, but it's up and I hope you like it! You are the audience after all.
    Without further ado, "Within Our Crumbling World" Chapter 4!


    ----------------------

    May continued to sob softly. She had returned Blaziken to her pokeball, and even though she knew that it was unsafe, she needed to be alone. By herself.

    She was so lost in her own world of sorrow and guilt that she didn’t notice the footsteps that came up behind her. A voice was heard from what sounded like 3 meters away. And it asked a simple, yet one only to get more intricate, question.

    “…May?”

    ----------------------

    The woeful brunette turned ever so slightly. She gently held her hands to her chest in a form of comfort. Strands of chestnut hair stuck to her face due to her still pouring tears. Her hair was knotted in several places from the incident, of course her not bothering to comb it. Along with this, her clothes were torn – legs, arms, and torso – and covered with dirt and mud. Never had she felt so disgusting and ugly in her entire life. At such an important meeting, as well.

    The boy, now more of a man, stood a few meters away. His unruly black hair was slightly neater than hers, although not by much of a difference. The umber eyes that sat upon his face stared at her with confusion, wonder, and curiosity, but also elation at his find. He carried a dazed look about him. In addition to this, his clothes were hardly begrimed, possibly a few stains here and there on his Unova outfit. And finally, his faithful yellow sidekick that sat on his shoulder uttered a shocked “Pika…” at the sight that lay before them.

    May looked to his beautiful face and caramel eyes. And he looked back with such pride and happiness and love. She, in the back of her mind, was a little shocked at his reaction to seeing her, but thrilled too. Alas, these thoughts had only been subconsciously thought, and were to be dealt with later.

    The young man had seemed to step out of his daze. He took several strides to get to her, and at this time she had turned her entire body around to face him. When he was then towering over her crouching body, he knelt down in front of her, and wrapped his arms around her for a wholehearted embrace.

    By then, May kept on crying, but they were no more tears of despair, but of euphoria. The boy, too, had started to shed a few tears. Only two or three, but no matter, they were there.

    “Ash…”

    ------------------

    After a few minutes of the hug, May’s mind started to draw back to the emerald haired boy behind her. She whimpered at the thought of his dead, limp state.

    Ash, while hugging her lithe frame, noticed the dead body behind her. His mind dampened for her, thinking about the amount of pain she must be going through. Death was definitely not a common occurrence in this world – of course, Team Rocket and the likes were constantly killing people and Pokémon, but he knew that one, they would have probably killed May too, and two, that Team Rocket was no longer of service.

    May began to draw away from Ash. As much as she wanted to stay, cuddled in his arms for the rest of her life, she knew that she had to do something about Drew. She certainly wasn’t going to leave him there to decompose in the open.

    May stood up, with Ash right behind her. She moved towards the body that lay strewn in front of her. As she was trying to figure out a way to bury the body without a shovel, she felt Ash put his hand on her shoulder.

    “Here, I’ll help,” he whispered in her ear in a soft voice, comforting her in a way. Much to her dismay, he drew away. “Tododile, come on out.”

    The energetic Pokémon was released from his pokeball and bounced happily once on the ground. May couldn’t help but smile at his optimistic personality. It was a sad smile, still tainted with passing, but alas, a smile.

    Ash smiled too. He loved to see his Pokémon so happy. “Tododile, I need you to dig a hole that can fit that body,” he pointed to Drew. “Can you do it, bud?”

    Tododile seemed a bit distraught at the thought of making a hole for the body, which no doubt in his mind was dead, but he trusted his trainer with the reason. Ash wasn’t the type to do things like this without one.

    “Tododile!” He saluted his master and got to work. Ash was smiling at him the entire time, but when the ball of energy turned, the boy’s face fell almost immediately into a frown. A sad frown.

    He reached out to May’s hand and clasped hers in his. As much as he wanted May to be happy, it was almost impossible under such circumstances. He himself was barely able to get through his grief, let alone try to deal with hers too. He felt himself fall into his own daze of woe.

    May had noticed him grab her hand. She saw anguish color his face, and it hurt her so to see him in such pain. She wanted to know why he was here and how she could help.

    “Ash…why are you here?” she asked cautiously.

    “Hmm?” he snapped out of his trance. “Why am I here…? Oh yeah,” He told his story slowly, syllable by syllable. “I was in Pewter City with Brock and Misty. Catching up. We were getting ready to go to lunch when hoards of Pokémon started to attack us. I sent out my Pokemon, but they were no match for the countless number of others that came our way. When other trainers sent their Pokemon out, they turned on them and started attacking too.

    “And as hard as I tried-“ he stopped for a moment to regain his voice before speaking again. “As hard as I tried to protect them…two of my closest friends, I couldn’t. They were mauled right in front of me. By Pokémon, nonetheless. Pokemon…my life…” he trailed off, looking towards the sky, but away from her. Pikachu tried to comfort him by rubbing his cheek, but to no avail.

    May squeezed his hand to show her support for him. It was then that she realized that this wasn’t a game. It wasn’t going to work itself out, like done so in the past. This was serious business, and she would have to deal with it herself.

    And this thought terrified her. For the first time in her life, she had to take on real responsibility. Sure, going out on her own was a big step, but there were people everywhere that would take her in. Ash did when they first met! But this time it was about life and death.

    “May, why don’t you tell me what happened here?” he asked, still looking away from her. “It’s quite the curious scene.”

    May cringed at the thought of reliving the memories. However, as she had put Ash through the same torment, she thought she might as well give him a solid answer.

    “Well, it began on my ship ride to Vermillion…” she started from the very beginning. She explained how she had been attacked right after her docking, and Drew coming to her rescue. And when she cried, and Drew held her. She told him everything up till when Ash found her.

    “I don’t feel I have the right to be sad after your experience,” May finished.

    “May, just because you think my story is sadder, doesn’t mean yours isn’t. You still have every right to cry. And if you think you shouldn’t cry about onto my shoulder, then you’re wrong,” he turned his head slightly to her. “You can always come to me.”

    “Chu, pika pi chuka pi!” Pikachu tried to explain something to her, but she couldn’t understand.

    May thought she could see the corner of Ash’s lips held in a smile, but she dismissed it as mind-tricks.

    She rubbed Pikachu behind the ears, causing him to let out a gentle coo. “Thank you, Ash. And you can come to me anytime you like.”

    ----------------------

    After Tododile finished digging the hole, Ash thanked him and returned him, and the two turned back to the no-more-coordinator behind them.

    “So, um, I’ll take the legs…” May uttered, a little worried, more saddened, of burying one of her closest friends.

    “Uh, sure, I’ll take the top half,” Ash replied.

    On the count of three, they both lifted the limp body off of the ground in laid him carefully into the hole.

    May went off to the side to pick some flowers. Roses, specifically, but none were founds, so she settled for daisies and dandilions. She picked her handful and placed them on Drew’s chest. And with that, they push the dirt back into the hole, burying the dead.

    -------------------------

    “So now what are we going to do?” Ash asked May. “Were you planning on going somewhere?”

    “To Pallet, actually. To find you. But that’s now not needed.”

    “Actually, I was planning on going back to Pallet to pick up my Pokémon. I had picked out a different team before I left for Viridian, but I’m going to get all my Pokémon.”

    “But, the other trainers, didn’t their Pokémon attack them?”

    “Well, yes,” Ash responded. ”They did. But my Pokémon didn’t. I guess it depends on how strong your bond with your Pokémon is.”

    “Pikachu!” Pikachu agreed.

    “But my Pokemon never turned on me.” May stated, a little confused. “Why’s that, do you think?”

    Ash then looked at her with a side smile that made her broken heart mend just a bit. “Because, dear, you were taught by me, were you not?”

    She giggled a bit. “Yes, that’s true. And ‘dear’? Where did that come from, oh gentleman?” Despite the sour mood that infiltrated the air, Ash had a way of making her slightly giddier.

    Ash looked a tad confused at her comment, and then realized what he had said. “Oh, yeah, um…I guess I picked up that vibe in Unova. Possibly from Cilan?”

    “Ha! I’ve seen something of that man and he is certainly not gentleman” May burst out. But she softened a bit at her next two sentences: “Maybe you just finally matured. It’s about time,” May smiled at the thought. Of course, it was fun to play with dense Ash, but with a mature Ash, she would be able to have a different kind of fun.

    She sighed then. They had to figure out where they were going, how they were going to do it, how to find other survivors, and the most frightening question of all – how were they going to live in this world?

    -----------------

    “We should go to Pallet then. We’ll pick up your Pokemon and see if the destruction has spread there yet. How does that sound?” May asked.

    “Fine,” Ash got up from where they were sitting. “Let’s get going,” He held a hand out for her to take.

    Blushing, she took the gesture. And then they were off.

    -----------------

    May told herself she wouldn’t look back at the grave as she walked away. She knew that she would subconsciously be sad enough without looking back.

    So to distract her, she peeked at Ash’s face. He had grown so much. His face a more angular shape to it, no more a baby-face nelson. His hair was the same length, so she assumed he had kept it trimmed, even if it was still incredibly messy. She noticed, too, that he was still holding her hand, and it made her heart flutter.

    He has really grown very cute and handsome
    , May thought. It’ll be much easier to tell him now that he isn’t the dense little boy he was years ago.

    “Ash, what do you think love is?” May blurted out. She didn’t mean to ask it aloud. She had just been wondering what his idea of it was.

    “Love? Well, I can’t give you a specific definition, but I can tell you that love is better than a song. Love is where all of us belong,” he shot her another adorable side smile. And once again her heart was sown just a little bit more because of him.

    “Wow, Ash, nice reply. I didn’t expect something like that to come from you. You’ve really matured, huh?” May remarked.

    He laughed. The laugh was beautifully heartwarming, and it made May smile too, though she didn’t know the joke. “I learned it from a song that my mom would play when I was little. I didn’t really get those lyrics back when I was that small, but now I have experience that says otherwise.”

    “Why? Do you have someone you love?” May was curious. She wondered if it might be her, or if she had a rival.

    “Yeah, but she’s dead now.” He stated bluntly.

    May tightened her grip around his hand, more for her own comfort than his. “Was it Misty?”

    “No. I might have phrased that wrong. She’s dying, but she doesn’t know it. It’s such a slow rate that she can’t tell. And it’s mental too. She’ll go mad.”

    He paused then. Possibly for dramatic effect, or to gather his thoughts into a big conclusion. And then he stated: “But she not the only one. Whoever is left will suffer the same fate. We’ll all crumble under the weight of this new world.”

    -------------

    How was it? Enjoyable? Not believable? Need some kind of improving? Or it doesn't? Anyway which way, tell me what you thought about it and how I can improve! Also, when Ash talks about love, the line is from a song. If you can guess which song, I'll give you a cookie! Go!

    I'll be back!

    Adieu~

    Skitty
    Last edited by sailormikumoon; 28th January 2013 at 12:19 AM.
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

  8. #8
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    OH GOD I JUST REALIZED WHAT HAPPENED TO DREW. OMG. WHY. WHY. -feelings-

    -ahem- Anywayy...

    A lovely improvement from the first chapter but this chapter could of been much more emotional. Especially with Drew's death and his burial. You could of recalled their memories together and their wonderful relationship as rivals then you could make Ash's appearance as some sort of relief from the sudden pain and destruction May had to face.

    Take time to describe the area May was in. Talk about the fire, the destruction, the dead body, the fear. Like I said earlier, pick your themes and branch out and see how far you can branch out and yet still relate to the scene. I'll write another example. Let's say we pick the theme of death and focus on Drew and how he was buried and stuff.

    The teen sat there in utter shock. After returning her dear Blazkin into her ball the realization of being alone hit here. She knew the risks and dying became possible, even more possible than when her dear rival Drew was with her. Due to shock her mind was lost, her emotions pouring over. Like a child unable to walk she crawled over to his cold body with her legs shaking behind. With tears running down her cheeks endlessly she reached over for his hand. There was blood all over it.

    "No." May softly spoke. "I won't. I can't. This is a bad dream. It has to be."

    She pressed on his hand harder, hoping he would react and speak kind words back to her before returning to his arrogant self that she had grown use to back in Johto. But nothing came. May repeated and the results were the same. More tears flooded down.

    "Please, stop joking Drew. Wake up." The brunette begged. She begged like a child unknown to the meaning of death. After the realization sunk in she dropped the boy's hand and dug her fingers into the dirt. Clenching onto the ground to release her pain - her frustration.

    "...May?"

    A smooth tender voice called her name. For once since she came here her own name wasn't screamed at her, yelled and cried to. It was called with the tone of concern and surprise. Looking over her shoulder May smiled softly. There stood a man she knew well. Her heart pulse relaxed to see he a friend in front of her that wasn't dead.

    And since she had arrived, May suddenly felt happiness once again.


    From the theme of death we can get many other similar words from it like:
    Pain
    Sadness
    Regret
    Fear

    For this one it's many emotions but from those emotions you can branch out to many other words. You could go on forever but if you do that you paragraph will go on too long and the reader's eyes will get sore from reading. Anyway another lovely chapter.
    Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 28th January 2013 at 11:20 PM.

  9. #9

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    Thank you so much!
    I do think this chapter is a great improvement from the others, but I see what you mean and I'll try to branch out a bit more.

    Skitty
    Roses Die, but Ribbons Last Forever
    AaMayL


    Read my first fanfiction, Within Our Crumbling World and please review!

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