Results 1 to 25 of 30

Thread: Pokemon: Experimentations

Hybrid View

  1. #1

    Default Pokemon: Experimentations

    I hope writing this kind of Pokemon story won't get me into trouble. Anyway, I am writing another one of my own Pokemon stories. This one is called Pokemon: Experimentations. To warn you, unlike my own Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series which is more comedic and has some blood in it, this one is more dramatic, scarier and has lots of blood in it. (Although it's not like you're going to see it). Just like my Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series, Pokemon: Experementations will also be a trilogy. I thought I would share this with you. The sequel, Pokémon Experimentation 2 can be read here: www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?599619. The Pokemon Mystery Dungeon story can be read here: www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?595950NO MEAN COMMENTS PLEASE.

    Plot- The Moon City Corporation have been doing experiments. They are using a type of illegal parasitic drugs on Pokemon. What this does is make them bigger, angrier and more violent. A pokemon who gets hurt by one will also be infected with this. This parasite has no effect on humans. There is also a vaccine for this. With samples of the vaccine, a group of Rescue team members and their partner pokemon travel to an island off the coast of Moon City, where they say their secret underground laboratory is. To get there, they have to go in the big twenty floor skyscraper on top of it.

    Characters:

    Nat Summers- One of the two main protagonist. He is seventeen years old. His partner pokemon is Emboar. He has been knowing his Emboar since Nat was a baby and a Tepig. He deeply cares about him.

    Maria Blossom- The other main protagonist. She is sixteen years old. Her partner Pokemon is Samurott. Also cares and knew Samurott when she was a baby and an Oshawott.

    Kevin Richards- He is eighteen years old. His partner pokemon is Electivire. Nobody knows his past or where he came from. Only thing they know is that he appeared out of nowhere and became a member of the Rescue Team.

    Aaron Caverns- He is also seventeen just like Nat Summers. His partner pokemon is Rampardos. He and his pokemon mysteriously disappear in the beginning of the story.

    Sarah Willard- She is fifteen years old. Her partner pokemon is Weezing. A girl who came to the island to investigate the parasitic activities.

    Some of you might be mad that there is no trainer with a Serperior. One of the main characters of the second series will have one. (I have the whole story and series in my head)

    Prologue:

    A helicopter carrying Rescue Team Members: Nat Summers, Maria Blossom, Aaron Caverns, Kevin Richards and their partner pokemon: Emboar, Samurott, Electrivire and Rampardos arrives at an island off the coast of Moon City. When they get off onto the island, they find a Noctowl and a Primeape infected with the parasite.

    “Rampardos, use smack down!” shouted Aaron. Rampardos used smack down on the Noctowl and the Moctowl got knocked out. Primeape used karate chop. “Dodge the attack, Rampardos!” shouted Aaron. Rampardos avoided the attack.

    “Emboar, use flamethrower!” shouted Nat. Emboar used flamethrower on Primeape an it fainted. Nat used a vaccine on the two pokemon. The pilot, Phil leaves with the helicopter. “No, Stop! PHIL, DON’T LEAVE US!” yelled Nat, but it was too late. The remaining team mates and their pokémon escape into a twenty story building where they thought was safe. For now...


    Chapter 1: The Nightmare Begins

    "I don't know what's going on," said Maria a little scared.

    "Me neither. But this is the only safe place we can be in right now," said Nat.

    "You two go on ahead with your pokemon," said Kevin. "Aaron , our pokemon and I will stay and wait for you guys."

    "Alright," said Nat and pointed at the door across the hall. "Come on Emboar, let's go."

    "Take care you four," said Aaron. He smiled.

    "Let’s go Samurott," said Maria. She didn’t sound too scared now. They went to the far left door in the main entrance area and opened it. They went in. Everything was quiet, except for the sound of a ticking clock.

    "There's nothing here," said Nat looking cautiously. "But there is another door across the hall,"

    "Let's go then," said Maria. Nat opened the door and they went in. They hear a noise across the hall. The noise of a pokemon.

    "Stay back Maria. I'm going to check it out," whispered Nat. He and his Emboar walked quietly at the end of the hall to check what's going on. It was a big Sandslash. A few seconds later, it noticed them. "Emboar use mach punch on it!" shouted Nat. Emboar uses mach punch so hard, he knocked Sandslash out. Nat used the cure to remove the parasite on it.

    "Well that was too easy," said Maria and laughed.

    "I wonder what was a Sandslash doing in a place like this?" Nat asked. "Anyways, I want to know why are The Moon City Corperation doing this?"

    "It's very wrong," said Maria. "I can't believe they would do such a thing."

    "Yeah I can't believe it either," said Nat. He had a sad face. "Let’s go back to Aaron and Kevin. There's nothing else here. The rest of the doors here are locked from the other side." When they go back to the main entrance hall, they find Aaron and Kevin gone.

    "Aaron? Kevin?" asked Nat. No answer.

    "What you think happened to them?" asked Maria.

    "I don't know. It's like they just vanished. Let’s go check what's behind that door," said Nat pointing at the door across the other side of the hall. They go through the door.

    "Oh my gosh!" cried Maria. "It's blood!"

    "Yeah and lots of it too," shouted Nat. "I have a really bad feeling about this!" They go through the other door on the other side. They are back outside.

    "OH NO! IT'S A DEAD BODY!" yelled Maria.

    "You're right it is!" shouted Nat. He examines the body. "It looks like he has been scratched badly to death. By a pokemon.

    "What. But... that can't be... this doesn't make sense. Can this parasite make pokemon strong enough to kill?" asked Maria suspiciously.

    "By the look of this, I think they are," said Nat sadly.

    "What... is going on around here?" asked Maria.



    End of Chapter 1. By the way, please don't judge what pokemon is fighting the other and the moves that they use. To be honest I really don't know what ACTUAL moves most pokemon uses. I know some. And yes, some of you might find the chapters short too.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 24th February 2013 at 7:48 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    Going to start with: That was very short. Not bad, but short. Must be at least 2 Word Document pages long.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969
    A helicopter carrying Rescue Team Members: Nat Summers, Maria Blossom, Aaron Caverns, Kevin Richards and their partner pokemon: Emboar, Samurott, Electrivire and Rampardos arrives at an island off the coast of Moon City. When they get off onto the island, they find pokemon infected with the parasite. After a few seconds of battling them and curing them, the pilot leaves with the helicopter. The four team members escape into a twenty story building where they thought was safe. For now...
    Uhh... What!? You just give us an interesting paragraph... That should be much more in depth and longer! How do the trainers interact with Pokemon? What's the parasite? A few seconds of battling, you say? What makes them battle so fast? Does the parasite make them easy defeats and weak? This could be good, but you need a lot more description.

    "I don't know what's going on." said Maria.

    "Me neither. But this is the only safe place we can be in right now" said Nat.

    "You two go on ahead with your pokemon" said Kevin "Me, Aaron and our pokemon will stay and wait for you guys."

    "Alright" said Nat. "Come on Emboar let's go."

    "Take care you four" said Aaron.
    There are so many mistakes in this. Let's do it bit by bit.

    "I don't know what's going on." said Maria.
    Fine.

    "You two go on ahead with your pokemon" said Kevin "Me, Aaron and our pokemon will stay and wait for you guys."
    Here we go. The end of the first dialogue needs a comma, and so does the said Kevin. And, it should be Aaron and I, not Me, Aaron...

    "Alright" said Nat. "Come on Emboar let's go."
    Try to vary what you use for dialogue. Instead of "said," just try, "asked," or ,"mumbled, shouted, whipsered, cryed, bellowed." And describe the "said." He said... softly, angerily, enraged, with anger, surprised, with dissapointment. Get it? : D

    "Take care you four" said Aaron.

    "Lets go Samurott" said Maria. They went to the far left door in the main entrance area and opened it. In they went. Everything was quiet. Except for the sound of a ticking clock.

    "There's nothing here" said Nat. "But there is another door across the hall"

    "Let's go then" said Maria. Nat opened the door and they went through. The hear a noise across the hall. The noise of a pokemon.

    "Stay back Maria. I'm going to check it out" said Nat. He and his Emboar walked quietly at the end of the hall to check what's going on. It was a big Sandslash. A few seconds later it noticed them. "Emboar Use Mach Punch on it!" Emboar use Mach Puch so hard he knocked Sandslash out. Nat used the cure to remove the parasite on it.

    "Well that was too easy" said Maria.

    "I wonder what was a Sandslash doing in a place like this?" Nat asked. "Anyways, I want to know why are The Moon City Corperation doing this?"

    "It's very wrong" said Maria. "I can't believe they would do such a thing"

    "Yeah I can't believe it either" said Nat. "Lets go back to Aaron and Kevin. There's nothing else here. The rest of the doors here are locked from the other side." When they go back to the main entrance hall, they notice Aaron and Kevin gone.

    "Aaron? Kevin?" asked Nat. No answer.

    "What you you think happened to them?" asked Maria.

    "I don't know. It's like they just vanished. Lets go check what's behind that door" said Nat pointing at the door across the other side of the hall. They go through the door.

    "Oh my gosh" cried Maria. "It's blood!"

    "Yeah and lots of it too" said Nat. "I have a really bad feeling about this." They go through the other door on the other side. They are back outside.

    "OH NO. IT'S A DEAD BODY!" yelled Maria.

    "You're right it is!" shouted Nat. He examines the body. "It looks like he has been scratched badly to death. By a pokemon."

    "What. But... that can't be... this doesn't make sense. Can this parasite make pokemon strong enough to kill?"

    "By the look of this, I think they are" said Nat sadly.

    "What... is going on around here"? asked Maria.
    There are so many mistakes, it's hard to show them all. I will say that you forget punctuation constantly. And, the characters speech is very... plain. They sound like robots. Look at some stories for reference. I like, "A Hero's Bond" or try mine," Across the World, and Back Again." My friend has one called," A Journey to Remember." Look at those, or any, really. This has many mistakes, and just proof-read and revise your work before posting. It helps.

    I hope this doesn't get locked. I don't think it will, just make sure to lengthen your paragraphs a ton. They're extremely short.

    Good Luck, with your fic. Don't take this so harshly, because I only mean to fix the mistakes and problems in your chapter. Byee! XD
    Last edited by Chapter; 20th January 2013 at 2:35 AM.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  3. #3

    Default

    I edited chapter one with more detail and correct punctuation.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    It looks better, but still kinda short. Mine are usually 2-3 and a half pages long.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  5. #5

    Default

    It was actually 2 pages in microsoft word.

  6. #6

    Default

    Chapter 2: Searching for Aaron and Kevin

    Nat and Maria stared at the dead body.

    “Look, he’s holding a piece of paper,” said Maria with a suspicious look. Nat picked up the piece of paper. Nat read the paper. It read:

    Dear Sam,

    “I’ve been doing some research on what the Moon City Corporation is doing to these pokemon. I found out that they are using a parasitic drug called the A-59 parasite that makes them stronger, more violent, angrier and bigger. When injected with this, the pokemon will no longer have the power to control itself. I’ve heard the only way to get them cured was to inject them with the C-30 vaccine. However, I don’t have this vaccine to cure the pokemon outside of my building. I have a bad feeling that I will no longer be here because of how strong they are… I wish you luck in curing these pokemon.”


    Sincerely,
    James Stone.

    “Poor man,” said Nat sadly. “So they name of the parasite is called the A-59.”

    “And the cure is called the C-30,” said Maria finishing Nat’s sentence. Suddenly, a bunch of Pidgeys came flying towards them.

    “There's too many of them!” shouted Nat. “RUN!” So he, Maria, Emboar and Samurott ran back to the door and went in. They examined the blood in the hall again.
    “It must have been from that man,” whispered Maria. “Let’s go upstairs now. We might find Aaron and Kevin there.”

    “Right,” said Nat. He looked at his Emboar. “Let’s go,” he told him. They went out the other door and went upstairs to the second floor. They went through one of the doors. They were in a hall with creepy stuff, broken glass and more blood.

    "I don't like this," whispered Maria. Suddenly, two Herdiers came crashing through the windows.

    “I’ll take care of one, you’ll handle the other one!” he shouted. “Emboar, use flamethrower!” Emboar used flamethrower on one of the Herdiers. The Herdier tackled Emboar. “Now use Much Punch!” Emboar used Mach Punch on the Herdier. Nat ran to the Herdier and injected the C-30 into him. “How are the two of you over there?” he asked.

    “A bit busy!” shouted Maria. “Samurott, use Water Gun!” Samurott used water gun on the other Herdier, but missed. “Hurry and use it again!” This time, Samurott hit the other Herdier. Maria used the C-30 on it. “Alright, let’s go,” she said and pointed to the door across the hall. They went through the door.

    “Oh boy, more doors,” said Nat. “I’ll check this one, you check the other.”

    “Alright,” said Maria. They went in to 2 separate doors. The room that Nat entered had a bathtub filled with water.

    “Let’s see what happens when I drain the water,” Nat said with a bit of a smile on his face. He drained the water. There was a key in it. “It could come useful, don’t you think Emboar?” he asked. He came out and saw Maria and her Samurott waiting outside.

    “I see you have a key. There wasn’t anything in the room I went to,” Maria said. “Let’s go check that room,” she said and pointed to another door.

    “Alright, let’s go” said Nat. Maria and her Samurott went in the room and the door shut closed in front of Nat and his Emboar. “Hey!” he shouted. “What’s going on?” he asked, confused.
    “I don’t know! The door is locked!” shouted Maria. "Samurott and I will check this area.

    "Alright, we'll wait here,"said Nat.

    Maria looked behind her and saw spike walls from each side. “Oh no, I have a really bad feeling about this,” she said a little scared. “What are they doing here in a place like this anyways?” She went in the other door. There was a medal on a pedestal. There was a note on the floor. Maria read it. It read:

    To Whoever Finds This Medal,
    “There are four medals all together to unlock the passage way to the green house in the back of the skyscraper. However, taking each one will result in danger. Be careful.”

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person.

    That’s all it said. Maria took the medal from the pedestal. She and her Samurott left the area. The door behind them shut locked. The spike walls started moving. The other door was locked. There was no way out.

    End of chapter 2. The chapter was 3 pages in microsoft word.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 25th January 2013 at 8:21 PM.

  7. #7

    Default

    Chapter 3: Puzzle Job

    “NAT! NAT!” cried Maria.

    “Maria? Maria, what’s going on!?” shouted Nat.

    “NAT! THE WALLS HAVE SPIKES AND THEY’RE CLOSING IN! THE DOORS ARE LOCKED! HURRY, DO SOMETHING!” yelled Maria.

    “EMBOAR, KICK DOWN THIS DOOR NOW!” yelled Nat. Emboar kicked down the door. “Come on hurry!” he shouted to Maria. Maria and her Samurott escaped the spiked-walls. Maria hugged Nat.

    “Oh, Nat!” Maria said. She started crying.

    “It’s okay Maria. You’re safe now,” said Nat and started smiling. “Come on. Let’s go check that last door.”

    “Nat, wait,” said Maria. She stopped crying.

    “What is it?” asked Nat. Maria showed him the medal.

    “I found this medal,” Maria said. “There was a note that said that there were four of them and that you need all four of them to unlock the passage to a green house just outside of here. Let’s find the other three. We might find something that’s important in the green house.”

    “Alright,” said Nat. They went through the last door and ended up in another hallway.

    “Let’s check this room first,” said Maria and pointed to the closest door. They went in the room.

    “Look, there are a lot of Pidgeys and paintings here,” said Nat and pointed at the ceiling. “But I wonder why the Pidgeys aren’t attacking us.”

    “I don’t know,” said Maria. “Look, there is another note on the floor.” She picked it up and read it. It read:

    To Whomever That Wants To Find the Medal,

    “There is another medal and it’s in this room. However it’s not easy getting it. There is a switch behind every painting here. But you have to do it in a specific order. Look closely at the three paintings. You see a Poliwag in one, a Poliwhirl in another and a Poliwrath in the last one. To do the puzzle right, you have to press the buttons behind the paintings in evolutionary order. Then you’ll get the medal in the other side of the hall. Do it wrong, and the Pidgeys will start attacking you. Remember, they’re infected with the A-59 parasite.

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person

    “Must be from the same person who wrote the other note,” said Maria.

    “So we have to press the switches in the correct order,” Nat said. “Well this will be fun.” Nat pressed the switch behind the Poliwag painting first. Then Maria pressed the button behind the Poliwhirl painting. Then they both pressed the last button behind the Poliwrath painting. The picture with all three evolutions moved and the medal came out. Maria picked it up.

    “Alright, two more left,” Maria said. “Let’s get out of here.”

    “Okay,” said Nat. They went out the door. “Let’s go check that one now,” he said and pointed to the other door across the hall. They went in and went upstairs to the third floor. There were more Herdiers.

    “Emboar, use flamethrower!” shouted Nat.

    “Samurott, use water gun!” shouted Maria. They both used their moves on the Herdiers. Nat and Maria used the C-30 vaccine on them. “Come on, this way,” Maria said pointing to the other door across the hall. They went into a room with a Reshiram and a Zekrom statue.

    “Well, there we have to do more puzzling,” said Nat being sarcastic. Nat picked up another note on the floor and read it. It reads:


    “Place the Reshiram and Zekrom statues in a specific way so that they are facing each other. Then when they are both on the right switches on the floor, the box will open giving you the key to access more areas of this skyscraper.” That’s all it said. Not even who this was from.

    “It’s like the writer knows were here,” said Maria.

    “This can actually be another writer, given that he didn’t even put who it was from and to who it is for,” Nat said “Emboar, let’s move the Reshiram statue.”

    “Alright, Samurott and I will move the Zekrom statue,” said Maria. So they move the statues so that they were facing each other and then they put them in the right floor switches. The box opened. The key was inside. Nat took the key.

    “Let’s go,” Nat said. They left the room and encountered two Rattatas.

    “Emboar can do this by himself,” said Nat with a smile. “Use mach punch on them,” he told Emboar. Emboar used mach punch. It was super effective on the Rattatas. He used the C-30 on the Rattatas.

    “Something tells me it won’t be this easy later on,” said Maria.

    “You think?” asked Nat. They went to the last door across the hall. It leads back downstairs. They heard a girl talking.

    “I hear somebody talking behind that door,” said Maria pointing to the closest door.

    “I can hear it to. A girl,” said Nat. “Let’s go in.”

    “Alright,” said Maria and they went in the room.

    End of Chapter 3. This chapter was 4 pages in microsoft word.

    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 25th January 2013 at 8:21 PM.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    Actually, I just checked. It was 3, but it's font was way big. 13.5... so.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  9. #9

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chapter of Charizard View Post
    Actually, I just checked. It was 3, but it's font was way big. 13.5... so.
    Actually it's only 12 font. I checked
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 25th January 2013 at 3:28 AM.

  10. #10

    Default

    Chapter 4: A Survivor

    “Whoa!” shouted Nat as smog filled the room.

    “Huh… what? Oh! OH, NO!” cried a girl. “Sorry, I thought you were another one of those pokemon infected with the A-59 parasite.”

    “Oh, it’s okay, I don’t think we got poisoned,” said Nat. “Hi, I’m Nat Summers and this is my partner pokemon, Emboar.” His Emboar waved hello. They both smiled.

    “I’m Maria Blossom,” said Maria and smiled. “And this is my partner pokemon, Samurott.” Samurott smiled and waved hello. “What’s your name?” Maria asked.

    “Oh! I’m Sarah. Sarah Willard,” said the girl. “And this is my partner pokemon, Weezing. I came here to investigate the parasitic activities.”

    “Wait… you mean you came here all alone?” asked Nat a little surprised.

    “No, silly,” said Sarah. “I have my Weezing here with me!” she shouted.

    “Oh yeah, it seems the two of us aren’t alone either with our pokemon, right Maria?” asked Nat and laughed.

    “Yeah, that’s true,” said Maria and also laughed.

    “By the way, this is the medical room,” said Sarah. ‘Which means if anything happens, like getting hurt, poisoned or any other kind of bad thing, we can always come here. We can take the heal item with us if it’s an emergency,” she said. The room was rectangular.

    “Thanks for telling us that,” said Nat. “Hey, we’re going to leave now, are you coming with us?” he asked Sarah.

    “Yeah, but you two go on ahead. There are still things I need to pack here,” said Sarah.

    “By the way, before we go, have you seen two other people here, with an Electrivire and Rampardos?” asked Nat.

    “No, I can’t say that I have,” said Sarah.

    “Alright, see ya later,” said Maria. Nat, Maria and their pokemon left the room.

    “Alright, that door is the only one left in this hall, let’s go,” said Nat. They went through the door which led back downstairs to the first floor. They went through the only door there.

    “Hey, we’re back in the hallway where we fought the big Sandslash,” said Maria. “Alright, let’s unlock that red door there now. They unlocked the door and went in to what appeared like a cafeteria room.

    “Look, there’s something on the piano,” said Nat and picked up the paper. “It says, music notes for the Beach Frenzy.”

    “But, none of us really play the piano,” said Maria looking at Nat with a weird look. Then Sarah and her Weezing came in the room.

    “Sarah, do you know how to play the piano?” asked Nat.

    “Well, yes I do,” said Sarah with a smile on her face.

    “Here, see if you can play this music,” said Maria.

    “Okay, I’ll try,” said Sarah. She started playing the notes for the piano. Everything sounded right, except for that last part which sounded scary.

    “Huh? That didn’t sound right,” said Nat with a confused look.

    “Yeah, my piano skills are off a little. I’ll keep practicing. While I’m doing that, you two can search more of the area. You might even find your friends,” she said.

    “Alright, let’s do that,’ said Maria. “Come on, Samurott.” The four of them left the room.

    “This key also might unlock the other door in the main hall up in the second floor,” said Nat.

    “Alright, let’s go there then,” said Maria. They went to the door that goes to the mail hall, up the stairs and unlocked the other door. They went in.

    “Let’s go to the left door,” said Nat and they went to the closest door to the left.

    “Oh man, it’s dark in here,” said Maria.

    “Emboar, light the area, please,” said Nat. Emboar lit the area.

    “Look another medal!” shouted Maria.

    “Yeah, and another note too,” said Nat. He picked it up and read it. It read:

    To Whomever That Wants to Find the Medal,

    “The medal you see here is a fake, and therefore, it’s not one of the four medals you need to get to the green house. But you will need this fake medal to get one of the other REAL medals. First, you have to play music notes from some kind of music in a piano. Do the notes right, and a wall will open up, containing the medal. However, if you take it, the wall will close behind you. Here’s the trick. After you take the real medal out, place the fake one in and the wall will be open again. You’ll be out with the real medal in no time.”

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person.

    “Who is writing these notes?” asked Maria.

    “I don’t know,” said Nat. “Music notes for some kind of music on the piano… The Beach Frenzy!” shouted Nat. “We have to go back to the cafeteria room! That’s where one of the medals is!”

    “Alright, let’s go,” said Maria. She took the fake medal and they all left them room. They went back to the cafeteria room.

    “Nat! Maria!” shouted Sarah. “I think I did it!”

    “You did? Alright, let’s hear it,” said Nat. Sarah started playing the piano again. This time, the notes of the “Beach Frenzy” were correct. A wall opened up.

    “Oh, I didn’t think that would happen,” said Sarah.

    “Alright, give me the fake medal, Maria,” said Nat. “I’ll go get it.”

    “Okay,” said Maria. She handed Nat the fake medal. Nat went in and took out the real medal. The wall closed behind him. Then he put the fake one in and the wall opened up again. He got out.

    “Oh my gosh, Nat, are you okay!?” shouted Sarah.

    “Yeah,” said Nat. She gave Maria the real medal. “Alright, just one more to go.”

    “Yeah,” said Maria. “Sarah, you coming with us?” she asked.

    “Yes,” said Sarah. “Let’s go.” All six of them left the room. End of chapter 4.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 26th January 2013 at 10:03 PM.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    There is so much description missing. Chapter four got to a great length, so that's good, but the lack of descriptions is huge.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tepig Pignite Emboar969
    “By the way, this is the medical room,” said Sarah. ‘Which means if anything happens, like getting hurt, poisoned or any other kind of bad thing, we can always come here. We can take the heal item with us if it’s an emergency,” she said.
    “Thanks for telling us that,” said Nat. “Hey, we’re going to leave now, are you coming with us?” he asked Sarah.
    What does the med room look like? Is it big? Circular? Dark? Yellow? All I know is that there's medicine and healing potions in that place.

    To Whomever That Wants to Find the Medal,

    “The medal you see here is a fake, and therefore, it’s not one of the four medals you need to get to the green house. But you will need this fake medal to get one of the other REAL medals. First, you have to play music notes from some kind of music in a piano. Do the notes right, and a wall will open up, containing the medal. However, if you take it, the wall will close behind you. Here’s the trick. After you take the real medal out, place the fake one in and the wall will be open again. You’ll be out with the real medal in no time.”

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person.
    That's very straight-forward. Who would've left a note saying how to get something very important? Not many other people are there, and if they were there they would've gotten it themselves. Pretty non-nonsensical.

    Good luck with this.
    Last edited by Chapter; 27th January 2013 at 10:27 PM.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  12. #12

    Default

    Okay, I added the description with the room and Nat and Maria talking about who the notes are from. And this is just a beginning. Give it more of a chance. The story will get better. By the way, do you like my other story? Also, the person who is writing the notes will be revealed later in the story.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 26th January 2013 at 10:09 PM.

  13. #13

    Default

    Chapter 5: A Crisis

    “Alright, let’s go check the other doors in the hallway where we got the fake medal in the second floor,” said Nat.

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. They went to the main hall, up the stairs, and to the hallway where Nat and Maria found the fake medal in one of the rooms there. An injured man came running towards them.

    “Help…me…” said the man. He had a hole in his body and was bleeding a lot.

    “You two hurry back to the medical room NOW!” Nat yelled. “I’ll stay here with the man,” he said. He was holding the injured man. He had no pokemon with him.

    “Okay,” both Maria and Sarah said. They and their pokemon left.

    “I… I’ve… been… attacked by… a… giant… snake,” said the man.

    “A giant snake?” asked Nat. “Listen, you’re going to be alright,” he said.

    “Hurry, we must get to the medical room fast!” shouted Maria. Maria, Sarah and their pokemon ran down the stairs as fast as they can, through the room where Nat, Maria and their pokemon fought the big Sandslash, through the hallway, and ran into the medical room.

    “Grab everything necessary here, FAST!” yelled Maria.

    “Alright!” shouted Sarah. She took 2 bottles of serum and large heath packs.

    “Come on, hurry!” shouted Maria. They ran back to the room where the big Sandslash was, through the main hall and ran up the stairs to the hallway.

    “Give it to me quick!” shouted Nat. Maria gave him one of the large heath pack. He used it on the injured man.

    “It’s… too… late,” said the man. “The snake got me, I’m a goner,” he said.

    “No, no don’t say that!” shouted Nat. The lots of blood came out of the man. “No, don’t die on me!” shouted Nat.

    “It’s… too… late,” said the man. Then he lay on the floor, dead.

    “No… NO! DARN IT!” yelled Nat angrily as he banged his hands against the floor.

    “I’m sorry,” said Maria. “There was nothing else we could have done.” Nat took a deep breath.

    “You’re right,” Nat said. “Let’s keep going,” he said as he pointed to the other door across the hall. They went inside the room.

    “Look, there is a letter there,” said Maria. She picked it up and read the letter. It read:

    Dear Derek,

    “I didn’t know that by using the A-59 parasite on pokemon, not only that they get angrier, stronger and more violent, but they get bigger as well. I used the A-59 parasite on an Arbok, but I think I overdid it. He’s as huge as one floor of this building now. I was scared of this. I was so scared, that I ran away and decided not to cure it with the C-30 vaccine. I don’t know where the Arbok is now, but I know that it’s still in this building. I’m leaving this place now!”

    Sincerely,
    David Youth

    “Well that’s great,” said Nat. “We now have to watch out for a giant Arbok in this building. I think that is what the man was talking about.”

    “He did?” asked Maria. “I don’t like this.”

    “Me neither,” said Sarah, scared. “Come on. Let’s keep going.”

    “Okay,” said Nat and they went through another door which led back upstairs to the third floor.

    “AHHHHHHHH!” cried Sarah, as a bunch of Spearows came.

    “Emboar use flamethrower!” shouted Nat Emboar used flamethrower on the Spearows, but he only got one of them. The other Spearows used aerial ace on Emboar but missed.

    “Stand back you guys!” shouted Sarah. “Weezing use smog!” Weezing used smog on the remaining Spearows. They all got poisoned and couldn’t move.

    “Quick, use the serum and the C-30 vaccine on them!” shouted Nat.

    “Okay,” both Maria and Sarah said. They used the serum and the C-30 vaccine on the Spearows.

    “Come on, let’s keep going,” said Nat. They went to the end of the hall way and opened the door on the other side of the hall. There were three others doors in the new hallway.

    “Let’s check the closest one first,” said Maria and pointed at the closest door. They went in the small room.

    “Hey, there’s another letter,” said Sarah. She picked up the letter and read it. It read:

    Dear Marco,

    “I’m leaving for Moon City tonight. Since you’re staying here, I am leaving this key to open the green house. There are important things you need to do in the green house. The basement of the green house is flooded. Make sure that when you’re down there, to drain the water there. But the switch is on the other side of the area. So you have to through the area while flooded first. Be careful, there might be pokemon infected with the A-59 parasite down there. If they’re water types, they won’t be as strong when you drain the water. By draining the water, you will get to go to the other areas of the green house. Good luck!”

    Sincerely,
    Michael.

    “This could be useful,” said Nat. “Alright, let’s check one of the other doors.”

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. All six of them left the room, went in another door and ended up in a big rectangular room.

    “Look, another note!” shouted Maria. She picked it up and read it. It read:

    To Whomever That Wants To Find the Medal,

    “Getting this medal is the hardest one out of all of them. You can easily find it, but be careful, there’s a snake nearby. Good luck!

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person

    “Why couldn’t this person get these medals himself?” asked Nat.

    “Maybe because he’s too scared, especially with this one,” said Maria and laughed.

    “Alright,” said Nat. “All we need to do is find this last medal…” Suddenly a huge Arbok came and saw them. “Oh great, this is just what we need!” shouted Nat sarcastically. End of Chapter 5.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    It's getting much better! Mistakes are lessening, and the length is very good now.

    XD

    Next, try to add depth to the characters. Someone said this to me on my fic, and I used it to make the characters more real. Make them relateable. What makes them do what they do. Background. I'd say to startk w/ Nat or Maria. It's good to add depth to make them seem very humane/human like.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  15. #15

    Default

    Okay, I'll try.

    Chapter 6: To the Green House

    The giant Arbok came and saw Nat, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon.

    “Emboar and I will distract the Arbok while you four look for the last medal!” Nat shouted. “Emboar, use flamethrower!” Emboar used flamethrower on the Arbok and got its tail. The giant Arbok screamed in pain. Maria, Sarah and their pokemon were running away from the Arbok when Sarah noticed the last medal.

    “I found it! I found the medal!” shouted Sarah.

    “Alright, let’s get the heck out of here now!” shouted Maria.

    “Okay, hurry!” shouted Nat. They ran to the door when the giant Arbok used poison sting and got Nat’s shoulder.

    “AHHH!” he yelled and started bleeding. They left the room.

    “Nat! Are you okay!?” shouted Maria.

    “Yeah I think… I…” Nat started to say when suddenly he hung on to the wall and fell on the floor.

    “NAT!” cried Sarah.

    “I think… I got… poisoned… by that… giant… Arbok,” Nat said. “The A-59… parasite… may not… effect humans… but Arbok… is a… poison… type… pokemon. Mix the serum… and the… large… health pack and… give… use it on my… wound… hurry!”
    “Okay,” said Maria. They mixed one of the serums with one of the large health packs and used it on Nat’s wound on his shoulder.

    “Are you alright now?” asked Sarah. Nat got up and moved his arm.

    “Yeah, I’m okay now,” said Nat and smiled. “A minute late and I would have been a goner. Come on, let’s go to that door we have gone to yet,” he said and pointed to the door all the way across the other side of the hall. They went in a new hallway.

    “Okay, so this leads back down stairs,” said Maria. They went downs stairs where there were two doors. Nat tried to open the one closest to them.

    “It’s locked,” said Nat. “Let’s try the other door.” They tried the other door and opened it. On the other side of another new hallway, there were four slots to put the four medals in.

    “Look another note!” shouted Sarah. Sarah picked up the note and read it. All it said was:

    To Whomever That Found All Four Medals,

    “Congratulations, now that you have all four medals, you can now unlock the door to the passage way to the green house. But be careful, you never know what or who comes.”

    Sincerely,
    Unknown Person.
    Nat look around the hallway.

    “I have a feeling whoever wrote this is watching us right now. I mean, how does he know we have all four medals already?” he asked.

    “I don’t know, maybe he has super powers,” said Maria and laughed.

    “Yeah right,” said Nat and smiled. “Anyways, let’s put the four medals in.”

    “Alright,” said Sarah. They put the four medals in each slot. The door right next to them opened and it led back outside.

    “Alright, let’s find this green house,” said Nat. They walked a few steps when a Houndour jumped on Nat. “AHHH GET IT OFF ME!” he yelled.

    “Samurott, use water pulse!” shouted Maria. Samurott used water pulse and the Houndour. It was super effective. Maria used the C-30 vaccine on the Houndour.

    “Well that was uncalled for,” said Sarah.

    “Tell me about it!” shouted Nat. “I never seen your Samurott use that move.”

    “Samurott’s used it before,” said Maria and smiled. “Okay, let’s keep going.” They kept walking and stopped at an area where there was lots of water.

    “Well Emboar can’t go further apparently,” said Nat. “I see a drawbridge, see if you and your Samurott can go to the other side, use that crank there and close up the drawbridge, Maria.”
    “Okay, I’ll try, let’s go Samurott,” said Maria. Then went in the pool of water and went to the other side. “Okay, let’s close up the drawbridge.” She and Samurott used the crank to close up the drawbridge.

    “Okay Emboar, you have to try and not to fall now,” said Nat. Nat, Emboar, Sarah and Weezing carefully crossed the bridge and made it. All of a sudden, five Ekans came coming towards them.

    “Okay, this is not good! RUN!” yelled Nat. They all ran as fast as they can so that they would lose the Ekans. Then two more Houndours came coming towards then from the other side.

    “Don’t worry, we can do this in one shot! Samurott use water pulse!” shouted Maria. Samurott used water pulse on the Houndours so much that they hit against a wall and got knocked out. “See? Piece of cake,” said Maria and used the C-30 vaccine on both of them.

    “Look! I think that’s the green house!” shouted Sarah pointing at a big brown house.

    “Looks like a regular old house to me, and it’s not green,” said Nat and laughed. Nat pulled the key to open the entrance to the green house. They walked to the door. Nat used the key on the door and opened the door. “Okay, let’s go in,” Nat said and they all went in the green house. End of chapter 6.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 2nd February 2013 at 1:43 AM.

  16. #16

    Default

    Chapter 7: Inside The Green House

    Nat, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon entered the Green house.

    “Whoa,” said Nat with a surprised look. “Look at all these big plants.”

    “Yeah,” said Maria. “I guessing we’ll find lots of grass type pokemon here.”

    “Well this is why they call it a green house,” said Sarah and laughed.

    “Okay, be careful,” said Nat. “You don’t know what kind of pokemon will be here…” Suddenly three Glooms came toward them. “Emboar can do this in one go! Use Flamethrower!” he told his Emboar. Emboar used flamethrower on one of the Glooms and the Gloom got knocked out. After Nat used the C-30 vaccine on the Gloom, one of the other ones used acid on his back. “AHHH! THAT SON OF A… FREAKING… AHHHHHH!” Nat yelled.

    “Nat!” cried Sarah. “Weezing use smog!” she shouted. “Weezing used smog on the remaining Glooms. The Glooms fell on the floor, poisoned.

    “I’ll mix the some antidote and the C-30 vaccine together!” shouted Maria. She mixed the antidote and the C-30 vaccine together and used it on the two Glooms. Then she walked towards Nat. “Are you okay?” she asked him.

    “Yeah, I’m alright now,” said Nat. “Let’s keep going.” They came to one of the doors and opened it. They went in.

    “Look, there is a book on the floor, and another letter,” said Sarah. She picked up and read it. It read:

    Dear Mike,

    “Remember the color of this book. It is brown. There is a room in this green house where you have to place this book with all the other brown books are in the bookshelf to access the ladder down to the basement of this place. Once you get this book, do that right away. Be careful when you’re in the basement, you never know what kind of pokemon that are infected with the A-59 parasite are down there.”

    Sincerely,

    Peter Stevenson.

    Maria picked up the book.

    “Okay, now we need to find the room to put this book in,” Maria said.

    “Let’s check the other doors in the main area of this green house,” said Nat. They left the room and went to another door across the hall. They were in a big rectangular room with two Leavannys. “Emboar and I have to be careful not to burn this whole place up!” Nat shouted. “Use flamethrower!” Emboar used flamethrower and the two Leavannys. It was super effective and the Leavannys got burned.

    “Alright, we’ll mix a burn heal with the C-30 vaccine,” said Sarah. She and Maria mixed the burn head with the C-30 vaccine and used it on the Leavannys.

    “Look, a key!” shouted Maria. She picked the key up. “It will be useful,” she said.

    “Alright, there’s nothing else here,” said Nat. “There’s another door across the main hall, let’s get there.” They went back to the main hall of the green house and went to the other door and opened it. They ended up in a big hall way. While in the hallway, a big Skiploom came. Skiploom used energy ball on Maria.

    “AHHHHHHHHHH!” Maria cried as she fell on the floor.
    “Maria!” cried Nat. “Emboar, use flamethrower again now!” he shouted. He used flamethrower on the Skiploom. Skiploom was holding his head, burning in pain. “Sarah go for it now!” Sarah used the burn heal and C-30 mixture on the Skiploom. Nat picked up Maria off the floor. “Are you alright?” Nat asked Maria.

    “Yeah… I’m okay,” said Maria holding her head. “Let’s go everybody.” They went to the other side of the hallway to a door. Nat tried to open it.

    “It’s locked,” Nat said. “Maria, give me the key.”

    “Okay,” said Maria and she gave Nat the key. Nat used the key on the door and unlocked it. They went into a huge dark hallway.

    “Okay, it’s dark so be careful…” Nat started to say when five Beedrills started flying towards them. “Look there another door across the hall! We can’t fight them all, RUN!” he shouted. They ran to the other door and Nat quickly opened it which led to stairway.

    “Okay, let’s go upstairs to the second floor,” said Sarah.

    “Alright,” said Maria and they all went up the stairs to the second floor. There were in a room with a table.

    “Look, another letter!’ shouted Sarah, picked up the note and read it. It read:

    Dear Sandra,

    “As you’ll notice, this green house if full of plants everywhere. You will also notice mostly grass and bug type pokemon here. I do warn you not to let a fire type in this place because it will destroy this place up along with all the important things we have here. By the way, you might as well say, there is already a fire type pokemon in here. The pokemon is also a bug type, which means that any fire move will do normal damage against it. This will project this house from burning. But don’t make him mad. Who knows what he’ll do, because he’s infected with the A-59 parasite. Good luck with that.”

    Sincerely,

    David Anderson.

    Nat looked at his Emboar after he heard Sarah read the letter.

    “Oops, I let a fire type in. But that’s okay, this house is nothing but a piece of junk.” Nat said and laughed. “Anyways, let’s go through that door now,” he said and pointed to the door across the room. They were then in a hallway with two other doors. Nat tried the one in the right. “It’s locked, but I hear something in the other side,” Nat said.

    “Yeah, me too,” said Maria. Let’s go check on the other door. Maria went to the other door and opened it. “Come on,” she told the others. They all went in the room.

    “Look, it’s that bookshelf the other letter was talking about!” shouted Sarah. “And there is a blue book with all the other brown books and another letter!” She picked up the letter and read it. It read:

    Dear Mike,

    “This is the bookshelf to put the brown book in. Take out the blue book that is there. Inside that book is one of two key cards that you’ll need to access the secret underground laboratory underneath the skyscraper. The other key card is in the 20th floor of the skyscraper. You’ll need a key to get to the highest floor. That key is in the green house with a big pokemon. You’ll need to get through an underground passage to get to the area where you need to put the 2 key cards. Good luck with all of that.”

    Sincerely,
    Peter Stevenson.

    “Okay, let’s take out the blue book and take the key card that’s inside there. Then we put the brown book in its place,” said Nat.

    “Alright,” both Maria and Sarah said. Maria took the blue book out, opened it and took the key card out. Nat then gave the brown book to Sarah and Sarah placed the book it in the blue book’s place. A trapdoor opened showing a ladder.

    “Okay, this leads to the basement, you guys ready?” asked Nat.

    “Ready,” both Maria and Sarah said.

    “Okay,” said Nat and he, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon climbed the letter down to the basement. End of chapter 7.

  17. #17

    Default

    Chapter 8: The Basement of the Green House

    Nat, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon entered the basement of the green house. There were two doors, one to the left and one to the right. Nat tried to open the one on the right.

    “It’s locked,” Nat said. “Let’s try the one on the left.”

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. They went to the other door and opened it. They all went in the room, when suddenly, two Golducks came out of nowhere and used aqua jet on Sarah.

    “AHHHHHHHH!” cried Sarah.

    “Sarah!” shouted Nat. “Darn it, Emboar’s fire or Samurott’s water attacks won’t do much damage on the Golducks. Emboar, use mach punch!” Emboar used mach punch hard on one of the Golduck’s stomach. Golduck hit the wall and got knocked out. Nat ran to the Golduck and tried to use the C-30 vaccine on the Golduck, when the other one slapped the vaccine out of his hand.

    “OUCH!” yelled Nat.

    “Nat, Sarah! Are you two okay!?” shouted Maria.

    “Yeah,” said Sarah. “What about Nat?”

    “Get that Golduck while I use the C-30 vaccine on the other one!” shouted Nat.

    “Okay, Samurott, use razor shell!” shouted Maria. Samurott used razor shell on the Golduck’s face .The Golduck screamed in pain and started bleeding. Nat used the C-30 vaccine on the other Golduck.

    “Hurry! Mix the Large Health Pack and the C-30 vaccine and use it on the Golduck!” shouted Nat.
    “Okay!” shouted Maria. Maria mixed the large health pack and the C-30 vaccine together and used it on the other Golduck.

    “Alright, let’s keep going,” said Nat.

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. They went to the other side of the hall where the floor went lower and there was water.

    “Okay, this must be the flooded area behind this door,” said Maria. “You two and your pokemon stay here, Samurott and I will find the switch to drain the water.”

    “Okay,” said both Nat and Sarah. Maria opened the door and in she and Samurott went in to a huge rectangular flooded room.

    “Man, this place is flooded,” said Maria. “Okay Samurott, I think the switch is on the other side.” Maria and Samurott tried to go to the other side when three Sharpedos came. One of them tried to use ice fang on Samurott, but missed. “Samurott, use slash on that Sharpedo!” Samurott used slash on the Sharpedo. Sharpedo cried in pain and started bleeding. “We can’t use the vaccine right now because of the other two Sharpedos. Use slash again on both of them!” Samurott used slash on one of the other Sharpedos, but missed the last one. The other Sharpedo used crunch on Samurott, but also missed. “Use razor shell!” shouted Maria. Samurott used razor shell on the last Sharpedo. Sharpedo screamed. “Okay, their hurt and can’t attack! Here goes!” She used the C-30 vaccine on all the Sharpedos. “Okay, let’s keep going,” Maria told Samurott. They went to the other side and saw a lever. “Okay, this must be it, let’s do it.” She pulled the lever and the water got drained. “Okay, the water’s gone now! You guys can come now!” Maria shouted.

    “Okay, were coming!” shouted Nat. Nat, Sarah, Emboar and Weezing came in the room and met up with Maria and Samurott Nat, Sarah and their pokemon saw the three Sharpedos. “You did this?” Nat asked.

    “Yep, I did,” Maria said and smiled.

    “So now what?” Nat asked.

    “Look, there’s another door across the hall,” said Sarah.

    “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go,” said Nat. They went to the door and opened it. They went in to a new room, where two Tentacruels stood. The Tentacruels saw Nat, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon. “Uh oh, this is not good,” said Nat. “Emboar quick, use mach punch on both of the Tentacruels!” he shouted. Emboar used mach punch on the Tentacruels. One of them got knocked out. The other Tentacruel tried to use hydro pump on Emboar. “Oh no! Emboar, get out of the way!” shouted Nat.

    “Weezing, use sludge bomb!” shouted Sarah. Weezing used sludge bomb and got a direct hit on the other Tentacruel before he was able to get Emboar. Tentacruel fell on the floor, knocked out.

    “Well that was close!” said Nat. “Now Maria, you use the C-30 on the Tentacruel that is not poisoned and Sarah, you mix the Antidote and the vaccine and use it on the poisoned one!”

    “Got it!” shouted both Maria and Sarah. Sarah mixed the Antidote and the C-30 vaccine and then both she and Maria used the C-30 vaccine on the Tentacruels.

    “Look another door,” said Sarah.

    “Alright then, let’s go,” said Maria. They went to the door and opened it. They ended up in a huge cubic room.

    “Look, a letter!” said Sarah. She picked up the letter and read it. It read:

    Dear Marco,

    “This is a room to turn some wheels. There are five wheels on the walls. If you turn the wheels the right way, you will get the key that access the area to the locked door on this floor and the one above it. Here is the right way to do it: Turn the far left one left, then the left one right, then the middle one right, the right one left and the far right one to the right. Then you can get the key. Go to the room on this floor first. Use a fire type pokemon to burn the roots that are protecting a pokemon on the upper floor. Then go on the upper floor, but be careful. This is a very strong pokemon. I would be a very bad friend if I didn’t tell you this.”

    Sincerely,
    Michael.

    “Alright let’s do what it says,” said Nat. “I’ll turn the one on the far left, Emboar will turn the one of the left, Maria will turn the one on the middle, Samurott will turn the one to the right and Sarah will turn the one on the far right.”

    “Okay, let’s do it,” said Sarah. Nat turned the wheel on the far left, to the left, Emboar turned the one to the left, to the right, Maria turned the wheel on the middle, to the right, then Samurott turned the one to the right, to the left, and Sarah turned the one to the far right to the left. A safe containing the key opened.

    “Alright, let’s take it,” said Nat. Nat took the key. “Let’s go back to that locked door on this floor.”

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. They went back through the room where they fought the two Tentacruels, through the big rectangular room where Maria fought the three Sharpedos, through the room where they fought the two Golducks and to the room with the locked door.

    “Okay, let’s open it,” said Maria. So Nat used the key on the locked door and opened it.

    “Look, there are the roots,” said Sarah.

    “Okay Emboar, use flamethrower on the roots,” said Nat. Emboar used flamethrower on the roots. The roots burned. There was a scream of a pokemon.

    “Whoa, what was that?” asked Maria.

    “Must have been a pokemon, let’s go to the upper floor now,” said Nat.

    “Okay,” said both Maria and Sarah. They all climbed the ladder back to the second floor of the green house.

    “Okay, let’s go,” said Nat. Nat opened the door to the hallway with the other locked door. “Alright, let’s see what kind of pokemon is in this room.” Nat used the key to open the door and in they all went. “Oh my gosh, this is so not good,” Nat said as they saw a huge Volcarona. “This just gets better and better, does it?” he asked sarcastically. End of chapter 8.


  18. #18

    Default

    Chapter 9: Fierce Battle

    Nat, Maria, Sarah and their pokemon started to fight the huge Volcarona.

    “Alright Emboar, use flamethrower!” shouted Nat. Emboar used flamethrower on the Volcarona. Volcarona got hit with the flamethrower and screamed. He used fire spin in the area.

    “WATCH OUT!” yelled Maria as the fire came towards them. All six of them dodged the attack. “Samurott, use water pulse!” Samurott used water pulse on the Volcarona and got him.

    “He’s still moving?” asked Nat. “Emboar again, use flamethrower!” Emboar used flamethrower on the Volcarona and got him. Volcarona used heat wave.

    “Here it comes!” shouted Sarah. “EVERYONE, DODGE!” They all dodged the attack. “Weezing, use Smog!” Weezing used Smog on the Volcarona. Volcarona got poisoned. But he was still standing.

    “This one doesn’t give up does he?” asked Nat.

    “Look! He’s poisoned!” shouted Sarah. “EVERYONE, ATTACK NOW!”

    “Emboar, mach punch! Go!” shouted Nat.

    “Samurott, slash! Go!” shouted Maria. Emboar and Samurott did their attacks on Volcarona. Volcarona started bleeding from Samurott’s slash.

    “HE’S STILL STANDING!?” yelled Nat, furiously. “EMBOAR! USE MACH PUNCH AGAIN!” Emboar used mach punch on the Volcarona again. Volcarona stepped back from the mach punch.


    “He doesn’t quit, does he!?” shouted Maria. “Samurott, use razor shell!” Samurott used razor shell on the Volcarona. Volcarona started screaming in pain as he was bleeding a lot now. Blood splattered and got onto Nat.

    “Oh, that’s just great! Thanks, Samurott!” Nat shouted as he wiped the blood off of him. “One more time Emboar, use mach punch!” Emboar used mach punch on the Volcarona and finally knocked it down. “Gee, finally! Now let’s mix the large health pack, the antidote and the C-30 vaccine together!” he shouted.

    “Alright!” shouted Maria and Sarah. Nat, Maria and Sarah mixed the large health pack, the antidote and the C-30 vaccine together and used it on the Volcarona.

    “Look, a key!” shouted Sarah. Sarah picked up the key.

    “Okay, good work,” said Maria. “Now let’s get out of here,”

    “Right,” said Nat. They left the room. “Come on, this way,” he said and pointed to the door that led back to a small room. Then they opened the other door on the other side and went downstairs. They heard the noise of Beedrills.

    “Electivire, use thunderbolt,” said a person.

    “Let’s go check who it is,” said Maria. They went to see who it was. There was a man with an Electivire. The man was using the C-30 vaccine on the Beedrills.

    “Kevin!” shouted Nat and smiled.

    “Oh it’s you,” said Kevin. “It looks like you found the four medals.”

    “Wait… it was you who wrote those notes?” asked Sarah.

    “Well… yes,” said Kevin and smiled. “Hi, I’m Kevin Richards,” he said to Sarah.

    “Hi, I’m Sarah Willard,” said Sarah and smiled. “I came to this island to investigate the parasitic activities that are going on here.”

    “Really?” asked Kevin.

    “Yes,” said Sarah.

    “Kevin, where have you been!?” shouted Maria. “And where’s Aaron!?”

    “Well after the four of you left, Aaron, our pokemon and I got attacked by several pokemon, and we got separated by the attack. I’m sorry, but I don’t know where he is right now,” said Kevin.

    “If you know about the four medals, why didn’t you get them yourself!?” asked Nat, a little suspicious.

    “I… had other things to do,” said Kevin.

    “Oh…” said Maria.

    “Is that a key to unlock more areas in the skyscraper?” asked Kevin.

    “I believe so,” said Sarah.

    “Okay, I want you all to go back to the skyscraper and unlock the new areas,” said Kevin.

    “And what are you going to do?” asked Nat.

    “Electivire and I will stay here for now and investigate to see if there’s anything else here,” said Kevin. “Now go.”

    “Okay, good luck,” said Maria.

    “You too,” said Kevin.

    “Alright, let’s go,” said Nat, and they went back to the main area and back outside. They started talking as the six of them started walking back to the skyscraper.

    “So he’s a friend of yours, right?” asked Sarah.

    “Yeah,” said Maria. “He’s the best one we can count on right now. We all trust him to do the right thing.”

    “Alright, I will trust him to as well,” said Sarah. A few minutes after, they were back outside of the skyscraper.

    “Okay, were back,” said Nat. Nat opened the door.

    “WAIT… WHAT WAS THAT!?” yelled Maria as they heard footsteps running towards them. The footsteps came closer and closer. Then a huge Seismitoad stood behind them.

    “Oh…no,” said Nat. “It must have followed us all the way from the green house! This is not good!” he shouted. End of chapter 9.
    Last edited by Tepig Pignite Emboar 969; 7th February 2013 at 3:14 AM.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    998

    Default

    I really liked it. You really pulled through as you got closer and closer to the end. I thought that it was strange, though, that Phil was just speaking over walkie-talkie and then he was right there? Or did I just misinterpret it? Also, It was actually hard to read the long, capitalized words.
    “OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!” yelled Sarah.
    Sarah said, "Oh My Gosh!" right? I didn't really catch that because it was confusing, but whatever I guess. You may want to shorten that.

    “No, don’t come this way!” shouted Kevin. “No… NO… NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Mewtwo used his big hand to stab through Kevin and Electivire, killing them. Lots of blood was coming out.
    I like how Mewtwo killed Kevin anyway. Twissssssssssssst. Anyways, the part in bold sounds a bit childish. Maybe describe it more:

    -Blood poured out of his side, where he was hit
    -Slowly, Kevin collapsed, holding his stomach with a bloody hand

    Maybe something like that, or even not so in depth. You could try just lengthening it:

    -Blood spilled out, and Kevin hit the floor

    ~

    Anyway, I can't wait for the second one, so good luck with it!
    Last edited by Chapter; 23rd February 2013 at 3:09 PM.


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •