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Thread: Bond [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default Bond [PG-13]

    Right, hey everyone, it's OCEANICLANTURN toot toot. My last fic was abandoned because I ran out of ideas. After some inspirations, rage, advices and thoughts, I decided to bring back my pen and start a new leaf. I'll get to the old one if I feel like continuing it. However, now, my time will be dedicated to this fic and this fic only. I will add more "side projects" provided that time allows and I get a few reviews for this fic.

    I'll try and update once a week. Tests and stuff can really throw you off the mark, but I'll write five chapters in advance to prepare for posting. Anyways, I'll do my best.

    It's PG-13 for some mild cursing and some darker moods, but it won't be very... bad.

    Before I begin, if you're reading this, please give me a heads-up. It makes me feel better to know that someone other than my friends are reading this. It'd be better if you can review, but I won't hold it on you if you don't.

    Anyways, here's Chapter One:

    ---
    Bond
    Chapter One: An Unusual Start
    I checked myself in the mirror again. My short, raven black hair was combed properly. My green jacket, covering my orange shirt, was clean, thanks to Mother’s washings. My jeans were a bit tattered, but that was fine, because I’m not going to a fashion show or anything.

    I dashed out of the door into Twinleaf Town. It was a warm, sunny day, and the trees rustled from the calming breeze. The citizens were carrying out another usual day, but today was my special day, I thought happily to myself as I headed on Route 201, towards Professor Rowan’s Lab in Sandgem Town. Professor Rowan had always been busy, so I decided to go there myself. There wasn’t much threat crossing Route 201, as it had a dirt clearing, paved to head towards Sandgem Town.

    My name is Aron Archer, fourteen years old, and I have lived in Twinleaf Town for the past twelve years, after moving from Johto’s Olivine City. I had reached the age which I could receive my Pokemon. A few years before, the Pokemon Association had agreeably raised the age which children are allowed to get their first Pokemon, which was implemented after a mass voting, after the general’s public agreement.

    I made my way down the path as the sounds of rustling could be heard inside bushes and trees. I was willing to bet that it was a wild Pokemon, maybe a Bidoof or Starly, or maybe even something even rarer, a Munchlax? That seemed even more prestigious than the normal Pokemon found.

    I was tempted to reach in and touch the Pokemon, but consciousness took over and whirred, do not touch, possible attack! I shook my head, and walked further. It was only a few steps when I saw a figure that dropped from the branches. It was a Pokemon that I had never seen before. Its wings were covered with burn marks and scratches, and it looked unconscious. It had a huge white collar-like feather around his neck and its body was covered in blue, as well as its face. Strangely, there was also a red feather on the tip of his head.

    I had a momentary struggle, deciding on whether to help the poor Pokemon or not. I knew that attending to a wild Pokemon, without any Pokemon on my own, would be dangerous. However, I knew that the Pokemon was in deep injury, and it could be bad if left unattended. After moments of struggle, I decided to help the Pokemon swatted out of the sky.

    My first mistake.

    Carefully, I scooped it up in one hand and strolled to a clearing. Gently, I placed in down on a rock and using the first aid supplies I had in my bag, I tried to bandage it. However, its scream was so loud that it resonated through the forest, and suddenly I was surrounded.

    The attackers looked like the injured Pokemon’s evolved form. They were bigger and had much larger wings. Their back was red and their “collar” was disconnected feathers that still circled around their neck. The Pokemon’s head were also red, just like their body. They had a deadly looking sharp claw and beak that made me shiver.

    “Guys, this isn’t what you think it is. This Pokemon fell off and I was trying to heal it,” I reasoned. Their eyes still shone with violence and I could tell the words did not get through. The swarm let out a loose cry, and more surrounded me. I couldn’t run and couldn’t reason, I felt scared and powerless. Closing my eyes, I braced for the worst.

    “Discharge,” a man’s voice rang from a distance. I opened my eyes in amazement, as a magnet like Pokemon flew up and let loose a huge electric wave, zapping the swarm of Pokemon as they fell apart and crashed towards the ground in respective directions. At that moment, I felt a surge of pity overwhelming me, pity at the Pokemon’s treatment.

    “Those are Braviary, and the little one,” he wagged his finger towards the injured Pokemon, “is called Rufflet.”

    “Thanks…” I tried to ignore the sounds of the Braviary’s cries ringing in my skull, “but isn’t that a bit too harsh? They sounded… hurt.” I stumbled at the last word, unable to make a proper pick.

    When I had said that, the man glanced at me once again. His eyes were as cold as steel, and his face was a dark as a shadow.

    “You’re another one of those types. You do not understand the power of Pokemon. The only thing they’ll understand is force, and cold words,” he muttered, “that’s why… I raise only Pokemon that have no emotion. Like this one, for example,” the man pointed to his Pokemon, who was levitating in a side.

    “That’s not true,” I retaliated, my voice forcefully loud as I scooped the injured Rufflet in my arms, “Pokemon are our friends, comrades and teammates. Every Pokemon has emotion, and they’re just like human beings!”

    He gave me a look that made me back down. It wasn’t a look of ferocity or hostility, however, but rather a look of pity, as if he knew what he was talking about.

    “Go away, for now I shall see the lake with emotion,” he muttered bitterly as he called out another foreign Pokemon, “see them off, Claydol.”

    The world around me turned purple and I felt a mythical force carrying me off somewhere. I closed my eyes and braced myself, and a sudden flash blinded my vision.

    When I opened my eyes again, I was standing in the middle of Professor Rowan’s Lab. His assistants, all dressed in a white coat, stopped and gawked at me, I realize that somehow teleporting isn’t a great way to introduce myself, so I went for the best approach.

    “Hi, I’m here.” I gave a forced smile.
    ---

    Please tell me if you want to be on the PM List (or VM for that matter)
    Last edited by OceanicLanturn; 26th January 2013 at 4:56 AM.

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  2. #2
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    I am interested in this story.

    The tone seems so calm and it flows. I wonder about that poor Rufflet. D:


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  3. #3
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    OK, time to get back into this writing/reviewing schtick... B-)

    I closed my eyes as a sea of breeze blew past me. Trees rustled in the distance and the leaves were dancing in the wind. Again, I opened my eyes and walked to the Professor’s Lab in Sandgem Town.
    OK, so he has eyes. And there are trees around. Plus he’s en route to Sandgem Town. So…

    I moved with stealth through the woods,
    Why is he walking through the woods? I Know there are trees on both sides of the road between Twinleaf and Sandgem, and while there is grass around, it would be irresponsible to wander around without a Pokémon of your own, right? I figure you want Aron to start with a Rufflet, but this seems… a forced encounter to me. If he were going to receive his first Pokémon, wouldn’t Professor Rowan send someone to come get him? Or is everyone busy doing who knows what? And what’s with the stealth? Is he a ninja or something?

    My name is Aron Archer, fourteen year olds, and I live in Twinleaf Town for the past twelve years, after moving from Johto’s Olivine City.
    Alliteration? Interesting. A few issues here…

    1, You do know Aron is a Pokémon’s name, right? Or is this going to be a point of contention for your hero in later chapters? :P

    2, It’s fourteen years old. Just because there’s no red line under it, doesn’t mean the word is right in context…

    3, and I have lived in Twinleaf Town. Aron wasn’t born in Twinleaf, so using the present tense isn't the best move here. Watch the tenses carefully.

    A few years before, the Pokemon Association had agreeably risen the age which children are allowed to get their first pokemon
    Two issues here:

    1, had agreeably raised the age or the Pokemon Association had raised the age which children are allowed to get their first Pokémon, much to the general public’s agreement. See the difference (raised and risen)? Sometimes, the same word can have different meanings again based on the context in which it’s used.

    2, Try to be a little more consistent with the way you use the word “Pokémon”. Pokemon, pokemon… I’m not going to grass on the accent. It’s been done by Youko and Swordhunter. Just… if you’re going to capitalize it, make sure it’s capitalized throughout.

    Carefully, I scooped it up in one hand and strolled to a clearing. Gently, I placed in down on a rock and using the first aid supplies I had in my bag, I tried to bandage it.
    Didn’t he JUST think “do not touch, possible attack!” a few steps back? Does he think that a Rufflet won’t fight back? Or did he think “Ooh, Pokémon I’ve never seen before fall out of the sky? Must touchy!” Maybe he’d never seen a Rufflet before, but don’t they “stand up to massive opponents, not out of courage, but out of recklessness. But that is how it gets stronger.”, “crush berries with their talons”, “bravely stand up to any opponent, no matter how strong it is.” Or just plain “challenge anything”?

    Yes, Sapph challenged several Meowth and a Persian with a pipe. But he a, was fixing a mess he started b, was an idiot (still is, to be honest) and c, still got beaten up for his trouble. But Persian are reputed for being vain and it may have decided it had enough after being attacked with blunt plumbing and called off the attack. I never specified, but it’s an option.

    And he had a bag? Hmm… anything else?

    At that moment, I felt a surge of pity overwhelming me, pity at the Pokemon treatment.
    Pokemon’s treatment. I think you’re referring to the treatment the Braviary experienced, right?

    “Those are Braviary, and the little one,” he wagged his finger towards the injured Pokemon, “is called Rufflet.”
    Which injured Pokémon? If I recall correctly, the Braviary did get their beaks shocked crooked a few seconds ago. Perhaps adding something like “which I had tried to bandage earlier” would clarify things a bit.

    Speaking on clarity, who is this dude? Wouldn’t this be the first question Aron would ask rather than jump up and defend Pokémon rights? And why would he want to go to the “lake with emotion” if he’s interested in Pokémon that basically “have no emotion”? I guess we’ll find out soon enough…

    The assistants stopped and gawked at me, I realize that somehow teleporting isn’t a great way to introduce myself, so I went for the best approach.
    I can’t blame them. A nekkid, possibly bald fourteen year old kid with a bag appearing out of nowhere with an injured, unaspected species of Pokémon in his arms? That’d turn a couple of heads. And before you go, “Of course Aron’s wearing clothes!” I’d simply reply “What’s he wearing then? And where did you say it?”

    “Hi, I’m here.” I gave a forced smile.
    Yes. Yes you are.

    While this opening chapter’s description is a bit purplish in places (a sea of breeze?), more often than not, it’s more lacking. If the breeze was blowing, wouldn’t it also ruffle his hair? If his eyes were closed when Claydol used Teleport on him, why did his vision “black out”? What’s anybody wearing? What colour are Aron’s eyes? You mentioned them enough in the first paragraph to give them a mention at least.

    I’d definitely say it’s a valiant fresh attempt. I’d recommend you slow down a bit, read through this again and see if there’s anything else you can do/add to make it clearer. It has nothing to do with the length here. Just the clarity.

    I’ll watch this. No need to let me know when the next one comes. I’ll see it eventually.

    L@er!
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  4. #4
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    @Air Dragon
    Thanks a whole lot on the review! It really tells me the pros and cons of stuff I have written, and I know that there's much to be improved. Thanks to your rate, I managed to revamp the entire Chapter Two. I also updated Chapter One to clear up some doubts and add some details.

    ---

    Bond
    Chapter Two: Sand Trapper Gible
    Professor Rowan was dressed in a lab coat, and aside from having an intimidating glare, he also had an impressive white moustache.

    “Those Pokemon are from the faraway Unova Region, it seems quite odd to me that they would appear Route 201. Nonetheless, I shall alert the PokeTransfer Committee to alert them of such issues, and I suppose,” the Professor pursed his lips, “we might have to relocate them. Route 201 is a dangerous place as many new trainers from Twinleaf Town crosses the route.”

    I glanced over at the injured Rufflet. The assistants had taken him to the Treatment Room, trying their best to heal him. I reassured myself that he’ll be fine, but now, I need to achieve what I have come here for.

    “Professor Rowan, can I receive my Starter Pokemon?” I asked. The Professor made a kind smile, as if he was expecting this question all along.

    “Yes, you can have a pick of any of those three pokemon: The Grass type pokemon, Turtwig, the water type pokemon, Piplup and lastly, the fire type pokemon, Chimchar!” Professor Rowan answered as he pointed to a table, where three Pokemon were standing.

    The three Pokemon all looked strong. I hesitated for a while, beforing deciding on the water type, the penguin, called Piplup, as Professor Rowan mentioned.

    “I’d like Piplup please!” I replied confidently, sure that I’ll be able to make friends with the cute Penguin Pokemon. However, Professor Rowan hesitated, which worried me for a second.

    “Piplup is a hard pokemon to bond with,” Professor Rowan said modestly, “are you sure you want to pick him? Piplup are extremely proud…”

    “Yes, yes please!” I answered, as my black eyes danced in excitement.

    “All right then,” Professor Rowan withdrew Piplup and passed me its Pokeball, followed by a sincere question, “have you ever thought about what you wanted to do on your journey?”

    The question struck me by surprise. I couldn’t believe that I had never thought of that before. I just wanted a Pokemon… and explore Sinnoh, but what was my goal? I felt extremely guilty suddenly.

    “I… I… I would like to see Pokemon and explore Sinnoh!” I answered abruptly. I was sure the Professor would be unsatisfied with the answer, but his intimidation in his eye melted, replaced by a kind and sincere look, which bore through me and seemed to understand my struggle.

    “I suppose you would like to decide on your way? That is fine. You seem like a promising trainer, and as a part of every beginning trainer’s tool kit, I would like to present you a Pokdex.” Professor Rowan said as he strolled over to a table and brought out a small, thin, red box like item. I realized it was no box, but rather, as it unfolded itself, unrevealing two screens, one touch screen, one not. “This is a Pokedex, an encyclopedia that records all the Pokemon you have met and their data. I trust that you’ll put it into good use?”

    “Yes-yessir!” I stammered, relief flowing out of me.

    “How about the Rufflet?” Professor asked again. It was another question that I had never thought of. Now that I had practically have no chance on returning the Rufflet, after kidnapping and zapping them, returning back there would be suicide. However, Rufflet looked pretty young, and…

    “I understand your struggle,” the Professor interrupted my train of thoughts, “I believe the most reasonable answer is to allow you to keep it, and return it to the flock once we find it.”

    I readily agreed, and that’s also when his assistants brought out the currently sleeping Rufflet. Professor handed me a Pokeball, and I tapped it on his head, and the Pokemon retracted into the ball, shaking and shaking, until it finally came to a stop.

    “You’re my pal now, Rufflet,” I smiled at the Pokeball, and shrunk it and gently, equipped it around my belt.

    “Now, it’s your turn,” I smiled at the Piplup’s Pokeball, sitting inside the Pokeball, “time to bond!”
    ---
    After asking Professor Rowan for directions, I brought myself to Sandgem’s exotic beach to have some fun, because nothing builds friendship other than a fun day at a beach. It was smack in the middle of a weekday, so no one was there.

    “Go, Piplup,” I yelled, and summoned Piplup, the cute Penguin Pokemon. It landed on the floor and sat down, turning its head away from me and crossing its arm.

    “What’s wrong, are you hungry?” I asked, and searched my bag for Pokefood, and distributed a plate to Piplup. However, it refused to touch it at all.

    Professor’s word rang in me, Piplup are extremely proud. No, I thought to myself, I will not back down! Swiftly, I scooped it up and gave it a big hug.

    “Pip-Pip-Pip!” Piplup squirmed in surprise, and then pecked me with force, causing me to release my tight hug. It jumped back a good 50m away as my face throbbed with pain.

    “Ow, you little…” I was preparing for a countermeasure when the ground started to move. Piplup was protesting in agner, and it was so distracted that it didn’t realize it was sinking into a sand chasm. The Penguin Pokemon screamed when it realized it was sinking.

    “Piplup!” I yelled as I dashed towards Piplup. It was sinking towards the ground at a alarmingly fast rate, as Piplup fruitlessly tried to claw its way up.

    Swiftly, I took the Pokedex and scanned the attacker at the bottom.

    “Gible, the Land Shark Pokemon, it nests in small, horizontal holes in cave walls. It pounces to catch prey that stray too close.”

    Awareness pounced through me. If Piplup fell into the middle, it’d only be a matter of time that Gible preys on Piplup. I scanned my surroundings, no vines, or ropes, or humans. Despair overwhelmed me as I scanned more.

    “Pippppp!” Piplup’s scream forced me to look down. It was near the bottom now, getting closer to Gible. I realized there was only one solution, I jumped down.

    The feeling of being in sinking sand felt like a roller coaster of desperation in slow motion. Wherever I tried to climb up, my hands slips. I lounged for Piplup in one hand and scooped it in one hand.

    Hope rushed through me, all of a sudden. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was a small, broken branch that I had missed. I grabbed it furiously, as I kept a good hold on Piplup on the other hand. I was in a silent stand still against the crumbling sand as I gripped the branch with force. However, my hands were getting tired, and the impatient Gible was clawing its way up the sand. Unlike us, he was more capable of climbing against sand. I realized that it was only a matter of time that he gets us both.

    Stupid me, I told myself and closed my eyes, as I locked eyes with Piplup and tossed him up, as hard as I could. Piplup landed safely on the sand in a thump, and I was holding onto an almost breaking tree branch. I felt a sudden jolt of pain running through me when Gible bit my foot. The pain was too much; I closed my eyes as Gible pulled me down.

    Suddenly, I felt refreshed as bubbles popped near my head. I thought it was a dream, until realization came back. Piplup was attempting to climb down, this time on purpose.

    “Piplup, no!” I yelled, as Gible dragged me down further. Piplup’s determined eyes made me silent. Swiftly, he launched himself off the branch I was holding to and launched him up with a Bubble attack. Gible lost concentration to keep the sand tomb running, and sand crashed over me. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Desperately, I clawed my way up, but with my hurt ankle, it was near impossible.

    Suddenly, I was trap in a huge bubble and floating skyward. Piplup had made a huge bubble that trapped the surrounding sand and floated me skyward. It broke the bubble with a Pound attack, and I fell on the ground.

    “Thanks Piplup,” I looked at Piplup who had just saved my life, not once but twice. Almost on cue, Gible popped its head on the sand and jumped up.

    “You ready partner?” I asked, and Piplup nodded in return, eyes blazing with determination.

    “Piplup, bubble around Gible!” Piplup shot out bubbles and surrounded the land shark pokemon. Gible was momentarily confused by the bubbles, until Piplup dashed in and smacked its head with Pound.

    “Let’s finish this, Ultra Bubble!” I yelled in excitement, and Piplup created a huge bubble that trapped Gible. That’d keep him from bothering others for a while.

    I heaved a sigh of relief. I looked at my clothes. My orange jacket was covered in sand and my originally tattered jeans were even more tattered, after the nice bite from Gible. My ankle still felt like lava, but the joy of bonding with Piplup nullified the pain. I needed a change of cloth, desparately.

    “We might need to go back to the Lab,” I smiled at Piplup.

    ---

    Yes, Piplup = SWAG. Ultra bubble ftw!
    Last edited by OceanicLanturn; 26th January 2013 at 6:05 AM.

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  5. #5
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    Hmm... no replies? Ah well, that's fine :3 It all starts this way.


    Bond
    Chapter Three: Sparks of Friendship and Rivalry!
    Route 202
    “Rufflet, that’s not it!” I tried to communicate. However, Rufflet flew around and started to peck me. Piplup was chasing it around, trying to hit it with bubble, but Rufflet was too fast.

    Sighing, I withdrew Rufflet into my Pokeball. Why can’t I get along with Rufflet? I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my thoughts, I had realized that Rufflet would have been scarred at the voices of his relatives’ cries of pain. Guilt rushed through me, and the Braviary’s cries of pain echoed in my skull.

    Would I go back to Route 201, and face serious injury? I thought to myself. There was no way Rufflet would stand for me, but the scene of Rufflet’s sad and pained eyes was tipping the balance. I care about Rufflet, but Rufflet would let me be injured without even a blink of an eye.

    “Alohaaaaa,” a voice snapped me out of my train of thoughts. I looked at a boy, who was wearing a T-Shirt and jeans, alongside a small cap that tucked his long brown hair, “wanna battle?”

    “Err… Sure!” I stammered at surprise, “Piplup, I choose you!”

    “Kricketot, time to fight!” the boy called out a small pokemon, with body mostly red mixed with yellow, but also black antennas. I followed the procedure and scanned it with my Pokedex.

    “Kricketot, the Cricket Pokemon, when its antennae hit each other, it sounds like the music of xylophone.”

    “So you have a instrument player, we can take this, Piplup, start it off with a bubble!” I commanded, with an air of confidence surrounding me.

    Piplup opened its beak to shoot out bubbles the size of a tennis ball. Kricketot stood there, without reaction. The boy commanded an attack and the Kricketot moved from its stoned position, its entire body glowing pink. The Cricket Pokemon let loose a huge sound wave that popped the bubble and extended to Piplup, which was flung backwards. I was shocked at how powerful music can be, as Piplup struggled to regain its composure.

    I can’t go far range approach, it looks like close range is my only bet, I thought to myself quietly, hiding a curse under my breath. Quickly, I commanded Piplup to use Pound.

    Piplup jumped towards the attacker. However, Kricketot let loose another wave of sound that pushed against Piplup. Sound against Might, it seemed like an everlasting standstill. However, Piplup finally succumbed and flew backwards, slamming its head into a tree. It was not unconscious yet, but there was no doubt the Penguin Pokemon was hurt. I formulated a plan, but I already started to hate it.

    “Piplup, come back, take a nice long rest,” I said soothingly, and then took out another Pokeball. “Rufflet, you’re up next!” Rufflet dived out of its Pokeball and stood proudly, glaring at me defiantly, before settling its eye on the Kricket pokemon.

    “A little disobedient, eh? Well, let’s do this in one hit, Kricketot, Uproar!”

    Another sound wave was lurched, and this time it packed more punch. Rufflet was caught off guard and flung backwards, but only managed to regain it’s bearing when the sound wave died off. Rufflet was shocked, and angry, being caught off guard. It glared at Kricketot, and that glare gave me a shock to the spine. It was a glare of pure annoyance, not hate, just annoyance. It extended its wing and stretched, like it was getting ready for battle. I yelled commands after commands, but it ignored me and began to launch its moves. In fact, it was so impressive that the commands died in my throats when I saw how it had handled the battle, calmer and swifter than I could’ve done. The trainer also stared at the sight, and even forgot to give Kricketot any commands.

    It seized up on Kricketot with at a high speed that my eyes could barely follow. It then delivered a nasty leer that sent shivers down my spines, even from a distance. The Kricketot was so shocked that it momentarily stoned, paralysed. Rufflet then flew skywards, and launched itself like an arrow and crashed through the Kricketot. It was a clean and swift one-hit KO. The trainer didn’t even stand a chance.

    “Woah, that was…” the trainer seemed shocked, “that’s a great pokemon you have there, but he doesn’t seem to like you that much.”

    “Well, another guy zapped his parents,” I replied, as I withdrew Rufflet back to its Pokeball, after it had done a celebratory “dance”.

    “What?”

    I told him the story from beginning, how I met Rufflet and the mysterious man with the magnet Pokemon and how he zapped the Braviary. I then told him about my meeting with Professor Rowan and how I ended with the Rufflet.

    “That has to be the most incredible beginning,” the trainer whistled, “anyways, my name is Daniel, but you can just call me Dan, pleasure to meet you.”

    “I’m Aron, hi,” I replied, “and uh… can you tell me what your goal is, like going out on an adventure with pokemon?”

    “Oh, that’s a… exotic question,” he struggled at the last two words, “I’m thinking of challenging the Pokemon Gym around Sinnoh.”

    “Gym?” I asked quizzically, “what’s that?”

    “Oh, you don’t know… well let me tell you,” he grinned, “Pokemon Gyms are official agencies that support the growth of trainers. In a battle, the gym leader will measure the strength of the challengers. If the challenger wins, he or she will acknowledge the challenger’s abilities by awarding him with a gym badge.”

    “Ah, I see. So there’s a gym everywhere, including the next Jubilife City?”

    Dan laughed. “No, there’s only gyms in certain cities, the closest one would be… uh…” he brought out a Town Map, “Orebough City, but of course, you need to pass by Jubilife City to get there.”

    “Great…! Anyways, glad to meet you, see ya!” I started raising my arm as I strolled off. It was only moments later did I realize that I had absolutely no idea on getting to Jubilife City. I heard a small voice tingling behind me.

    “Hey, Aron, need some help?” Dan yelled as he raced towards me. I smiled and felt a surge of warmth. I could tell that friendship was brewing.
    ---
    “Phew, thanks for helping me, Dan.” I grinned at my new friend, who was also waiting in the Pokemon Centre’s Lobby, as Nurse Joy and her Pokemon were healing our wounded pokemon.

    “Nothing much, it’s always good to help a fellow traveler in need, am I right?” Dan asked. “Anyways, wanna visit a school with me?”

    “Um… sure,” I muttered. I was trying to be nice, however, as the sound of education scared me. Dan saw my expression and laughed, and managed to convince me to follow him along.

    “Ding-Dong!” Nurse Joy called out, “your Pokemon are as good as new!”

    “Chan-Chan!” a pink blob that stood next to her cried out happily, as she brought some Pokeball to the counter, gesturing for us to take it.

    “Thanks!” I said, as I took the Pokeball from the pink blob. “Wait… before I go, uhhh…” I took out my Pokedex awkwardly and scanned the pink blob Pokemon.

    “Chansey, the Egg Pokemon. A kindly Pokémon that lays highly nutritious eggs and shares them with injured Pokémon or people.”

    “Huh… so a Pokemon that lays healing eggs and passes it around for fun… Umm… okay…” I muttered.

    “Seriously, Aron,” Dan rolled his eyes, “anyways, Nurse Joy, can you please give us directions to the Trainer School?” Dan asked, as Nurse Joy stared at me dumbly. She realized Dan’s question and quickly addressed it. She gave us the directions and address to the school, and we shot off.

    We finally reached the Trainer’s School, an old-fashioned looking schoolhouse that had a huge clock. It didn’t look like a school, more like a classroom.

    “How is this so small? I thought this was a school?” I asked incredulously.

    Dan laughed again as we strolled towards the door. “This isn’t a full-time school, Aron. This is just a Trainer School for passer-by trainers that want a lesson or two before moving off.”

    “Wow,” I muttered as I knocked on the door. The wall was painted white like snow and its roof was red, like it had recently been renovated before.

    We stood outside for awhile, and no one rushed and opened the door for us. Confused, we waited in front of the door. Suddenly, flashes of electricity came from the other side of the school, the ‘backyard’.

    “Let’s go there,” I suggested as we made our way towards to the back, where electricity kept flashing with power. We reached there, only to see a girl standing over a Pokemon.

    “Luxio!” She scowled deeply and she stared her pokemon down, “that wasn’t how I practiced it! ARGH… If only I had caught a stronger Pokemon, I had wasted my time raising you all along!”

    The poor Pokemon, apparently called Luxio, looked down on the ground in shame. It looked like it was on the verge of tears for failing her trainer.

    “Hey, stop that,” I protested as I rushed over to the girl’s side, “can’t you see that you’re pushing your Pokemon too hard?”

    She turned her piercing eyes to me. She wore a yellow cap and a bright red jacket with a green shirt inside, which did not exactly match her blue jeans. Her white sneakers were well worn and kind of dirty. Most of all, she had long black hair and a piercing grey eye, as if she could obliterate anyone who dares to look at her.

    “Who are you, and why do you care?” She squinted at me. I decided that she was not going to be a friendly presence. I could also hear Dan’s slow breaths behind me, as if the girl might attack.

    “That’s not how you treat Pokemon,” I answered, ignoring her question.

    She stared at me and for a moment, she threw her hand backs and laughed, a sound that echoed through the school yard. “That’s not?” the girl asked, a hint of mock in her eyes, “well, how do you train Pokemon? With love and care? Please, the only way to get stronger is to be strict!”

    “No…” I could feel myself heating up in anger, at how she treated Pokemon like tools.

    “Compared me to you, which one of us is wiser? Ahh… how about if we put it through a battle? I’m confident that I’ll win.” She said, as she extended her hand in a placating gesture. Dan was shuffling uncomfortably behind me, wisely not making a noise.

    “Fine,” I accepted readily, “a battle then!” Dan was behind me and tried to put words through me, but I ignored his words.

    “Hohoho… It looks like you have gotten yourself in trouble. As I am very nice, I shall show you how I can run through your team with my Luxio,” the girl smiled crookedly, as her Luxio reluctantly stepped towards the battle ground.

    I settled my eyes on the girl. There was no way that I was going to lose to a trainer like her, who treats her Pokemon as if they were tools. Steadily, I grabbed a Pokeball out of my belt and I held it in my hand, ready to teach this brat a lesson.
    ---

    Bleeeeeeeeee :3

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  6. #6
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    hi! From the review game.

    I liked your first chapter, even though I felt it was a bit short.

    The rule that trainers are allowed to start their journey only in the age of 14 was very surprising.
    I think leaving the age of 10 would have been better, but it is okay, nevertheless.

    The fic is based on Sinnoh, and that was good, I like the region.

    But I see that you have used 5th gen Pokemon in your fic,..But why are they in Sinnoh?

    As for the grammatical side, I have not noticed mistakes, and nice job with that.

    as I usually say, try your best and I wish you only the best of luck!

    Keep up the good work
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 12th February 2013 at 3:16 PM.

  7. #7
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    I'm here for the Review game for chapter 2

    There a quite a few wording and spelling error, sso I'll go through them.

    “Those Pokemon are from the faraway Unova Region, so it seems quite odd to me that they would appear on the Route 201. Nonetheless, I shall alert the PokeTransfer Committee to alert Repeat of the term 'alert' - I suggest rewording them of such issues, and I suppose,this is a bad place to cut off. Why not after 'them of such issues'? ” the Professor pursed his lips, “we might have to relocate them. Route 201 is a dangerous place as many new trainers from Twinleaf Town cross the route.”
    The original was very wordy. The bits in bold cut it down slightly and make it easier to read.

    I glanced over at the injured Rufflet. The assistants had taken him to the Treatment Room, trying their best to heal him. I reassured myself that he’ll be fine, but now, I need to achieve what I have come here for.
    You've changed tenses from past to present her.

    The Grass type pokemon, Turtwig, the water type pokemon, Piplup and lastly, the fire type pokemon, Chimchar!” Professor Rowan answered as he pointed to a table, where three Pokemon were standing.
    First, you only capitalised Grass and none of the other types, and spheres usually 'sit', not 'stand'.

    I realized it was no box, but rather, as it unfolded itself, unrevealing two screens, one touch screen, one not.
    The 'but rather' hints at you going on to say what it really is, and you don't say that clearly enough.

    Professor handed me a Pokeball, and I tapped it on his head, and the Pokemon retracted into the ball, shaking and shaking, until it finally came to a stop.
    Try breaking up this sentence - you use 'and' twice. I'd also reword the last bit as 'until it calmed', just to cut down on words here.

    “You’re my pal now, Rufflet,” I smiled at the Pokeball, and shrunk it and gently, equipped it around my belt.
    Again, break up these sentences with connectives rather than just using 'and' the whole time.

    “Now, it’s your turn,” I smiled at the Piplup’s Pokeball, sitting inside the Pokeball, “time to bond!”
    The imagery I get here is of the Pokeball is sitting in a Pokeball...*Pokeballception*...


    Professor’s word rang in me, Piplup are extremely proud. No, I thought to myself, I will not back down! Swiftly, I scooped it up and gave it a big hug.
    I'd replace the first comma with a -. I'd also italicize all of the main character's thoughts and refer to 'it' as the Piplup (as I had the idea of him hugging his bag o_O)

    Piplup was protesting in agner
    'Anger'

    Suddenly, I was trap in a huge bubble and floating skyward. Piplup had made a huge bubble that trapped the surrounding sand and floated me skyward. It broke the bubble with a Pound attack, and I fell on the ground.
    You say 'Bubble' many times - why not a synonym to freshen things up?

    Overall, I sort of like the idea of this fic - rather than being truly about trainers, it's more about their relationships with Pokemon. I hope, as of chapter 2, that you change up the way he bonds with his Pokemon.

    I'll also say this as a general warning - stray off the Deus Ex Machinas. That tree branch that just 'happened' to be there should be mentioned a little while before, so it isn't as convenient.

    However, that's just a minor hiccup in this rather decent fic. Keep up the good work!
    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.
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    I didn't update this for almost a whole month. Sorry lol.

    This will be rather a short chapter, but it'll bring Aron's second rival into play. However, there is still a while before Aron's main rival shows up. So lol.

    Bond
    Chapter Four: The Two Sides
    “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dan whispered behind me, as I took out my Pokeball, “her Luxio looks pretty tough!” I ignored him and I stared straight ahead, at the girl with Luxio crouching in front of her, reluctantly growling at me.

    “Your friend seems a bit…” she glanced over at the slightly nervous Dan and smiled, “… nervous. Do not fret, however, as it’ll be a good lesson to your young, upstart, rookie friend!”

    I closed my eyes in concentration, trying to keep my anger under control. “Alright, Rufflet, I choose you!” I threw out my Pokeball.

    The Eaglet pokemon flew out and roosted on a tree nearby, glaring at Marina, then Luxio, then at me. I had come to the decision that this was the prime time to bond and join forces against this wicked trainer, who called herself a pro.

    “Hmph… Another upstart pokemon, suits you,” she purred, “or… Is it too scared to attack?” She laughed again, and her voice echoed in the empty school yard.

    “Alright, Rufflet,” I ignored Marina’s comment, “Wing Attack!”

    Rufflet glared at me intently, making no movement to suggest that he was going to move. That all changed when the impatient Luxio rammed its head against the tree Rufflet was roosting on and almost threw the Pokemon off the branch. In surprise, Rufflet turned its glare towards Luxio.

    “Mean…” I faltered, as I saw Rufflet diving it for an attack. Luxio swiftly evaded him, forcing the bird Pokemon to crash towards the ground and cried in pain. Luxio quickly pounced on him, and threw it in the air with a swift and timely Double Kick.

    “Rufflet!” I yelled in exasperation, “Quick, gain your footing and hit with a Wing Attack!” Rufflet glanced at me, and for a second, I could see its desperate gleam of cooperation. It dived downwards at a fast speed and closed up on the lion like Pokemon.

    “Now, execute the technique!” Marina yelled, and Luxio jumped high up, releasing a huge bolt a thunder that surrounded the field. I froze, it couldn’t be…

    “Good, good, you have finally gotten hold of Discharge!” Marina laughed in mock surprise, as Rufflet froze momentarily. Flashes of the electrical tendrils zapping his parents came by, disabling his movements. Luxio quickly followed by controlling an electrical tendril and sent electricity at the bird Pokemon. It may cause fainting… The Pokedex’s entry echoed through my head.

    “Rufflet, no!” I yelled as I rushed forward at the injured Pokemon. Surprisingly, it was still standing, even after a super effective hit, but I could see what was hiding in Rufflet’s eyes, tears. It dove into the lion Pokemon in a green orb, and launched itself back into its Pokeball. Piplup then jumped out from the other Pokeball on my belt.

    “That’s U-Turn. It forces a Pokemon back into the Pokeball and sends out another one.” Dan muttered. He had been so quiet that I had almost forgot his presence. I looked back, and he nodded encouragingly, his eyes blazing with determination. I had to defeat this vicious trainer, for the sake of Dan and my Rufflet.

    “Perfect,” Marina laughed in a mocking tone as her Luxio ran back to her front, “a wimp pokemon, and that’s the way you treat your pokemon?”

    I could feel heat boiling in me, anger taking my mind, as I listened to Marina’s mocking comments. I was going to prove that girl wrong, once in for all.

    “Piplup, you ready?” I glanced at the Penguin Pokemon, who nodded in agreement, “Piplup, Bubble!”

    Piplup let loose bubbles in rapid fire. However, Luxio dodged it with no ease charged in. The speedy attack caused Piplup to be shocked and knocked it backwards. However, it got up again and glared in determination at Luxio.

    “Let’s go for Peck!” I yelled.

    “A weak attempt, fool!” Marina yelled, “Luxio, Headbutt!”

    Piplup got up and flung itself towards Luxio, its beak glowing and lengthening. Meanwhile, Luxio charged in with its head, surrounded by a red aura. The attack clashed at caused dust to fly over. Luxio fell backwards while Piplup was knocked to Aron’s side.

    “That impact did that damage? Weakling!” Marina yelled as Luxio retreated and gained its footings. Piplup stood up, bruised and wounded, but still not deterred.

    The obnoxious trainer spat. “Luxio, Discharge!” Luxio let loose a wild jolt of electricity at Piplup as the Penguin Pokemon endured the hit, closing its eyes as its body glowed white. Dan gasped from the sidelines.

    “That must be Bide! I’ve never seen it in action!” Dan exclaimed. When the jolt of electricity finally stopped, Piplup looked stooped and tired, but its body glowed a shade of white.

    “Release it, Piplup!”

    “Dodge it, Luxio!”

    Piplup launched the beam of energy at Luxio. Despite Luxio’s best attempts in dodging, the beam was so huge that it hit Luxio’s lower body, causing explosion to occur and throwing it backwards.

    “Piplup, are you okay?” I asked as Piplup tried its best to regain its breath. Suddenly, its body started glowing a shade of blue.

    “Evolution?” I muttered. Dan shrugged, as Piplup’s body continued to glow the colour of the sea. Quickly, I snatched my Pokedex from my bag and scanned it. The Encyclopedia revealed that it was Piplup’s Ability, Torrent, used when a Pokemon is at its weakest stage, yet still having the determination to win.

    “Finish this up! It’s a good sign! Luxio, Headbutt!”

    Luxio rushed forwards and its head glowed reddish. Piplup stood there, concentrating, I could almost see Piplup’s second blue aura glowing, as it prepared for an attack. Luxio was getting closer by the second, and just when its head almost hit the Penguin Pokemon, I gasped.

    Piplup released a huge the size of the size of a yoga gym ball and tossed it at Luxio. Luxio yelped in surprise as it tried to dodge it, but the huge bubble rolled down, crashing into Luxio and slammed it into a tree, creating a huge dent in the bark. As a result, the bubble bursted into water and the dust cleared, revealing a fainted Luxio.

    Marina’s eyes were as big as coins, and she growled deeply. “Luxio, you failure!” she yelled, “you do not deserve to be in my team!” She held up Luxio’s Pokeball, as the lion Pokemon regained consciousness and stared at its trainer. The Pokeball released a thin beam of blue light, suggesting that the Luxio has been released, free from any trainer’s grasp. Marina stormed out of the school yard, kicking up dust as she stomped. Luxio crouched under a tree, crying.

    “Luxio, I’m sorry…” I muttered as I kneeled by its side, patting its back and comforting the poor Pokemon. Dan was searching his bag for something, but at that time I was too occupied with my own feelings to notice.

    “Here,” Dan’s voice was unnaturally gentle, “take this.” Dan set a bowl of Pokefood in front of Luxio. However, Luxio did not budge and continued weeping. Dan and I stood by its side.

    “Aron,” Dan turned his black eyes towards me, “you should go heal up Rufflet and Piplup, I’ll look after Luxio,” he tensed for a bit, “I think that you might need a little help with Rufflet too… Just…”

    I nodded in appreciation, and I knew it was going to be tough, getting along with Rufflet.

    “See ya, thanks for everything,” I told Dan quietly. Dan waved as I jogged, heading towards the Pokemon Centre.

    ---

    That's it. I promise to update and get back to you all soon. Thanks for rating my fic.

    EDIT: I've updated it with a longer Piplup vs Luxio battle.
    Last edited by OceanicLanturn; 15th March 2013 at 2:07 PM.

    Credits to Sworn Metalhead

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  9. #9
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    It was a short update. But I don’t mind. It was interesting, but a few things did stick out as odd to me…

    The eagle pokemon flew out and roosted on a tree nearby, glaring at Marina, then Luxio, then at me. I had come to the decision that this was the prime time to bond and join forces against this wicked trainer, who called herself a pro.
    I actually went back to cross check chapter Three here, but I’m pretty sure that the girl never introduced herself (or that you did) before this point. How it just happened was weird to me…

    And, just checked, but Rufflet is the Eaglet Pokémon, not the Eagle Pokémon. Eagle-like, I can get… eagle chick Pokémon I can accept. And yes, I’m nitpicking... it’s not a problem for research and me…

    “Rufflet, no!” I yelled as I rushed forward at the injured Pokemon. Surprisingly, it was still standing, even after a super effective hit, but I could see what was hiding in Rufflet’s eyes, tears. It dove into the lion pokemon in a green like, and returned to the Pokeball, forcing Piplup to be out.

    “Perfect,” Marina laughed in mock, “a wimp pokemon, and that’s the way you treat your pokemon?
    The bolded parts here also have me scratching my head somewhat.

    A, You seem to have left the green like part of the first paragraph hanging. What exactly are you describing here? Other than its eyes (and that would only occur after a genetic mutation or something), Rufflet doesn’t have a speck of green on its entire body, or artwork.

    B, I thought Rufflet was the one fighting here. How can Rufflet be ‘forcing Piplup to be out’ by returning to his pokéball? Do you perhaps mean ‘forcing Piplup out (onto the battlefield)’? If so, how Rufflet did it (not that I think it knows any moves that force substitutions on his side like Baton Pass naturally) is a mystery to me.

    C, Marina’s line is one thing I’m still trying to figure out after reading the chapter through. As it stands, it sounds like Aron’s actions are only justifying her point. Speaking of which, having Piplup using a Genki-Dama version of Bubble to win was too much of a cop-out to me…

    Piplup released a huge the size of the size of a yoga gym ball and tossed it at Luxio. Luxio yelped in surprise as it tried to dodge it, but the huge bubble rolled down, crashing into Luxio and slammed it into a tree, creating a huge dent in the bark. As a result, the bubble bursted into water and the dust cleared, revealing a fainted Luxio.
    See? This is a bubble: a pocket of air surrounded by a hair-thin film of water. How on earth did it ‘roll down’? I thought bubbles burst when they come into contact with… well, anything. Plus, Luxio took no - (did it take any damage? *Reads again*) Ayup… took no damage from Rufflet at all, got beat by an attack thrown by something half its height, all in the name of giving Aron the win? I dunno how I feel about that… even if the mentality of a counterstrike having the attacker’s power rebounded on themselves.

    Oh, and the word bursted should be burst.

    “Luxio, I’m sorry…” I muttered as I kneeled by its side, patting its back and comforting the poor Pokemon. Dan was searching his bag for something, but at that time I was too occupied with my own feelings to notice.
    I was gonna suggest changing the kneeled to knelt, but it wasn’t grammatically wrong and so drop the argument. Actually, it is wrong depending on the dictionary used, so again, I'll be dropping it.

    On the plus side, the battle was played out well, and it’s always refreshing to see a snob like Marina lose a fight she seemed poised to win on all fronts…

    Hehe,,, keep on trucking...

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  10. #10
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    @Air Dragon: Thanks man, your review really helps. I'm gonna review a few points now:

    1 - Thanks for checking the Pokedex. I guess Rufflet looks like an eagle so I just naturally put it there. I'm going to change it now.

    2 A - Sorry, I forgot to mention that it was 'U-Turn'. I'll change the paragraph a bit.
    2 B - Above line.
    2 C - I'm trying to suggest the fact that Aron trusts his Pokemon, no matter how disobedient they might be, so that they may come together. I guess I was being too vague, though? As for the Genki Bubble...



    I guess it wasn't right for the Genki Bubble learnt by a Lv. 5 starter. So I'll try my best to explain it. I'll have to come up with a solution though. I might add in a few scenes of Piplup losing the fight and Torrent activating the Genki Bubble.

    3 - It was the main reason why I'm rather concerned about uploading this chapter. The Piplup vs Luxio fight was a bit too short. I'll add it more detail including a Genki Bubble Torrent Combination.

    4 - Thanks! I'm glad you find it amusing how a proud person like Marina loses. Hehe...

    And trucking?

    @ Scaldever

    I'll be making the changes soon (once I'm not so busy with life).

    Anyways, thanks you two! It really helped. I'll also be updating Chapter Four with longer Piplup vs Luxio fight. As for Chapter Four... something's gonna happen!

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    I think the largest issue with your story as it stands is that so far it's mostly been made up of crazy coincidences that conveniently get your character out of trouble. Despite being markedly clueless, Aron hasn't actually suffered at all in his journey because wacky things keep intervening to protect him. The thing is, what makes a fanfic interesting is the hardship, not just watching the main character wander around and get involved in hijinks (generally speaking). Right from the start, Aron makes a mistake in helping the rufflet despite his reservations, and as a result ends up attacked by a bunch of braviary. But then, instead of having to deal with that, he gets rescued out of nowhere by Cyrus, who vanishes again shortly thereafter. Then, it turns out his piplup doesn't like him. But rather than getting to see how he deals with this, how he's able to actually work through his problems with Piplup and develop a bond with it, a gible magically appears to give Aron a chance to show Piplup how devoted he is. Further, although gible would ordinarily be a tough opponent, and it would have been interesting to see how you managed to solve that problem with the usual resources available to a beginning trainer, Piplup instead conveniently learns a super-attack that's able to take Gible out of the battle completely. Rufflet doesn't like Aron much, but this turns out to be fine because it's totally badass and willing to take down opponents by itself, even if it doesn't listen to his commands. It simply goes on like this, down to Aron not knowing how to get to Jubilife but, instead of getting lost and having to actually work for something, is instead shown the way by the trainer who conveniently happens to be going in the same direction. There just isn't a lot of tension here: it's clear that your character is going to be just fine, becacuse even when he gets in over his head something is going to come along and bail him out. This makes your fic feel very low-stakes; it prevents you from building up any real drama. Further, it robs you of a lot of room to stretch in your story. How is your character ever going to learn and grow if all of his problems keep getting solved for him by convenient happenstance? If he's not going to evolve as a person during his journey, what's even the point? It's hard to get interested in someone who kind of just wanders around in life, getting things handed to them on a platter. I think this is a serious problem with your story at this point--it's simply not interesting, because it's clear that nothing really matters.

    I think naming your main character "Aron" is a problem; it's a valid spelling of "Aaron," but unfortunately is also the name of a pokémon species, which makes it really, really confusing in this fanfiction context.

    The introduction of the rival over the past couple of chapters is pretty cringe-worthy. You've clearly set the girl up as a generic "pokémon are just tools!" eeeevil type who will, inevitably, be shown up by your protagonist who is all about happiness and friendship and rainbows and suchlike. This is hideously overdone and not very interesting; it's really just the rival serving as a foil to make your protagonist look awesome, rather than being a character in their own right. And what satisfaction is there, really, from watching someone beat down a caricature? It also further highlights a problem that your protagonist has, and which most others in the fandom do, really: he plays lip service to respecting pokémon and being all horrified when the braviary get electrocuted, but when it's him battling he clearly isn't all remorseful about hurting the opponent's pokémon. He lets Piplup trap the gible in the bubble, without a care for how it might starve or be easy prey for other pokémon detained like that. He realizes that Rufflet probably wants to go back to the braviary flock, but because he's worried about getting hurt again, he decides he'll just take it with him, rather than manning up and giving it a shot, giving Rufflet to someone else who can take it and release it, or even trying to ask Rufflet itself what it wants, which is what one might imagine someone who cares about pokémon's feelings and doesn't just treat them as cool collectible battle machines might do. Aron certainly isn't as over-the-top eeeevil as the rival character, but so far his lip service to caring and compassion hasn't been backed up by his actions. The exception is when he's nice to the luxio after Marina tosses it out like not even the most terrible trainer would do unless they were actually a moron, because we need to have a scene showing how much of a better person Aron is, of course.

    It's pretty worrisome that you say you abandoned your last 'fic because you ran out of ideas, because right now this story isn't showing any clear sign of where it's going, either. Aron claims he doesn't really know why he's going on a journey, then kind of lackadaisically decides to check out the gym challenge--it's not exactly a compelling hook, and it kind of suggests that you aren't sure where you're going with this either. If you do have an idea of a larger, more interesting plot, you really want to get that out there in the open as soon as possible. There really hasn't been a lot going on in the story thus far--mostly just Aron wandering around and stuff happening to him. It's not very interesting! If you have a plot to get on with, you want to go ahead and do so, because that's generally what's going to bring in readers--people who are intrigued and want to know what's going to happen next.

    Which isn't to say that it's all bad, of course. I think you need to get some things straightened out, though, because the story so far has been meandering, and you haven't really done a lot with your characters. Figuring out what the journey's going to be about could really help give this 'fic some direction and give your characters solid problems to chew on. If you've already done the figuring out, then you need to let it show! You seem to be interested in exploring the relationships between pokémon and their trainers, but up until now that hasn't really come through; for the most part, any hiccups in understanding between the trainer and the pokémon has been resolved largely by circumstances outside the trainer's control or simply don't end up mattering. There's not much room to grow if you're doing fine to begin with! I think you could work out a very interesting fanfic by focusing on that kind of a storyline, but you do have a ways to go before you get there at this point. Best of luck with your writing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Negrek View Post
    I think the largest issue with your story as it stands is that so far it's mostly been made up of crazy coincidences that conveniently get your character out of trouble. Despite being markedly clueless, Aron hasn't actually suffered at all in his journey because wacky things keep intervening to protect him. The thing is, what makes a fanfic interesting is the hardship, not just watching the main character wander around and get involved in hijinks (generally speaking). Right from the start, Aron makes a mistake in helping the rufflet despite his reservations, and as a result ends up attacked by a bunch of braviary. But then, instead of having to deal with that, he gets rescued out of nowhere by Cyrus, who vanishes again shortly thereafter. Then, it turns out his piplup doesn't like him. But rather than getting to see how he deals with this, how he's able to actually work through his problems with Piplup and develop a bond with it, a gible magically appears to give Aron a chance to show Piplup how devoted he is. Further, although gible would ordinarily be a tough opponent, and it would have been interesting to see how you managed to solve that problem with the usual resources available to a beginning trainer, Piplup instead conveniently learns a super-attack that's able to take Gible out of the battle completely. Rufflet doesn't like Aron much, but this turns out to be fine because it's totally badass and willing to take down opponents by itself, even if it doesn't listen to his commands. It simply goes on like this, down to Aron not knowing how to get to Jubilife but, instead of getting lost and having to actually work for something, is instead shown the way by the trainer who conveniently happens to be going in the same direction. There just isn't a lot of tension here: it's clear that your character is going to be just fine, becacuse even when he gets in over his head something is going to come along and bail him out. This makes your fic feel very low-stakes; it prevents you from building up any real drama. Further, it robs you of a lot of room to stretch in your story. How is your character ever going to learn and grow if all of his problems keep getting solved for him by convenient happenstance? If he's not going to evolve as a person during his journey, what's even the point? It's hard to get interested in someone who kind of just wanders around in life, getting things handed to them on a platter. I think this is a serious problem with your story at this point--it's simply not interesting, because it's clear that nothing really matters.

    I think naming your main character "Aron" is a problem; it's a valid spelling of "Aaron," but unfortunately is also the name of a pokémon species, which makes it really, really confusing in this fanfiction context.

    The introduction of the rival over the past couple of chapters is pretty cringe-worthy. You've clearly set the girl up as a generic "pokémon are just tools!" eeeevil type who will, inevitably, be shown up by your protagonist who is all about happiness and friendship and rainbows and suchlike. This is hideously overdone and not very interesting; it's really just the rival serving as a foil to make your protagonist look awesome, rather than being a character in their own right. And what satisfaction is there, really, from watching someone beat down a caricature? It also further highlights a problem that your protagonist has, and which most others in the fandom do, really: he plays lip service to respecting pokémon and being all horrified when the braviary get electrocuted, but when it's him battling he clearly isn't all remorseful about hurting the opponent's pokémon. He lets Piplup trap the gible in the bubble, without a care for how it might starve or be easy prey for other pokémon detained like that. He realizes that Rufflet probably wants to go back to the braviary flock, but because he's worried about getting hurt again, he decides he'll just take it with him, rather than manning up and giving it a shot, giving Rufflet to someone else who can take it and release it, or even trying to ask Rufflet itself what it wants, which is what one might imagine someone who cares about pokémon's feelings and doesn't just treat them as cool collectible battle machines might do. Aron certainly isn't as over-the-top eeeevil as the rival character, but so far his lip service to caring and compassion hasn't been backed up by his actions. The exception is when he's nice to the luxio after Marina tosses it out like not even the most terrible trainer would do unless they were actually a moron, because we need to have a scene showing how much of a better person Aron is, of course.

    It's pretty worrisome that you say you abandoned your last 'fic because you ran out of ideas, because right now this story isn't showing any clear sign of where it's going, either. Aron claims he doesn't really know why he's going on a journey, then kind of lackadaisically decides to check out the gym challenge--it's not exactly a compelling hook, and it kind of suggests that you aren't sure where you're going with this either. If you do have an idea of a larger, more interesting plot, you really want to get that out there in the open as soon as possible. There really hasn't been a lot going on in the story thus far--mostly just Aron wandering around and stuff happening to him. It's not very interesting! If you have a plot to get on with, you want to go ahead and do so, because that's generally what's going to bring in readers--people who are intrigued and want to know what's going to happen next.

    Which isn't to say that it's all bad, of course. I think you need to get some things straightened out, though, because the story so far has been meandering, and you haven't really done a lot with your characters. Figuring out what the journey's going to be about could really help give this 'fic some direction and give your characters solid problems to chew on. If you've already done the figuring out, then you need to let it show! You seem to be interested in exploring the relationships between pokémon and their trainers, but up until now that hasn't really come through; for the most part, any hiccups in understanding between the trainer and the pokémon has been resolved largely by circumstances outside the trainer's control or simply don't end up mattering. There's not much room to grow if you're doing fine to begin with! I think you could work out a very interesting fanfic by focusing on that kind of a storyline, but you do have a ways to go before you get there at this point. Best of luck with your writing.
    True, true. I'm glad that you gave me some opinions on how my fic went wrong. Personally, I feel that it's pretty suck-ish too. I'll do my best to bring out the 'solid problems to chew on' part, and re-construct the plot a little. Thanks for speaking up! Really helps :3. I agree with the plot holes though. I think I'm doing too much of 'telling' rather than 'showing'. I'll do my best to work on that.

    Thanks for the nice rant XD

    Credits to Sworn Metalhead

    ASB Squad

  13. #13
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    CHAPTER 1 - Okay, but why did Aron not ask who he was? He went straight to "OMG thats not nice to do to the Pokemon", with no question about the mysterious guy. It removes any sense of mystery that was there. So far, your character just seems to be getting strung along by the plot.

    CHAPTER 2 -
    There was a small, broken branch that I had missed.
    How does he miss a branch?

    Also, a few things: No training, and Piplup already knows a move like "Ultra Bubble" (Not asking for training chapters, just maybe a brief sentence saying they trained? Idk.) How convenient that the second Pokemon he encounters is the pre-evolution of a pseudo-legendary. Didn't Rowan give him any pokeballs?

    I'll have the other two chapter reviews edited in later.
    I, stickerstaryoshi, am now authorized to use the usertitle "We got 3D: XY!", created by user Cresselia92 and to modify it according to my desires.

    Fan of the Mario and Luigi series since 2005.

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