Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Ties of Friendship.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    In the Area of Johto
    Posts
    314

    Default Ties of Friendship.

    Author's Note: I am practicing on present tense and active language.... Chikory is Lyra's Bayleef in case. Mary is the Flaaffy, Devril is Houndour, and Bubbles is Azumarill. Excuse me for my grammar mistakes, since I am still learning because I am not experienced. No this is not a shipping fic, they just have a deep friendship and bond. The setting's inspired by Dragonfree's one-shot, Butterfree. (PG-13) Mild violence is in this "chapter."

    Chapter 0: Friendship

    ***

    "Chikory, hang on! It's not ever yet! Please!"

    Tears streamed across your face as you sniffled loudly. Lyra, I knew you were out of decisions to help Chikory from this menacing Steelix. To see her collapsed on the ground, seriously injured. You knew that Steelix was a monster, full of power that coursed in its sturdy body. Its size sported approximately to the lighthouse in Olivine City. With this, it's known to be a difficult force to be reckoned with.

    I heard of how challengers would challenge Jasmine in hope to receive the Mineral Badge. I knew it was hard for us, and I couldn't bear to look at you cry and tremble with your fingers dug deep in your face. You didn't want this to happen, after all of the training we had together. We promised to work together, we promised to be strong. Even though I only won, I didn't want to leave you behind, feeling weak of how you didn't beat Jasmine.

    It's horrifying with a doubt, when I saw you cry and jump as Steelix whipped Chikory with its tail as she collided with the wall. You would cry when you heard her yelps echo across the whole gym.

    I saw you burst into tears even more, worse than before. Chikory's the last one standing as your others failed to last in this round with this monster in its playground. Your sound of your tears filled in the whole gym, echoing. ...Lyra, I didn't want to see your pain, from all of the rigorous training we had. I dedicated my time to help you draw out your inner potential and it seemed like a fluke.

    All hope seemed to be lost, until we heard a shuffle sound brushed from Chikory's leg. As she struggled to get up on her trembling legs, I was amazed by this reaction, you were ecstatic. You wiped your tears, smiling.

    "Chi...kory?" you said, amazed of Chikory's unexpected endurance.

    Jasmine on the other hand smiled with a tough grin. Steelix growled happily, filled with excitement. I was happy of how you learned from our training. I remember when you Chikory charged towards Steelix. Steelix roared and dived towards her like a jet.

    It's shocking to see Steelix collapse that quickly as Chikory barraged endless razor leaves that impacted us greatly. It seemed unbelievable for a Physical Attack to defeat a highly defensive Pokemon, but everything is possible as long as you put your mind to its limit.

    I recall when you turned towards me with tears flowed from your eyes. Your hands were touching your face as you were smiling, making me blush.

    You said as your voice became hoarse, "Ethan, thank you!"

    You ran with your open arms and hugged me tightly. I felt your softness pressed me. Your fragrance along with your emotions made me care for you a lot, making tears filled with happiness and overflowing emotions stream from my eyes.

    Chikory ran towards you and snuggled you with her head. You laughed along with her light coos that came out of her mouth. Even when you shaked hands with Jasmine when you said that to strive towards being the best. She chuckled happily and gave us a thumbs up.

    She said, "You are a strong willed trainer who believes in your Pokemon. I was like that once Amphy at the lighthouse became ill. I wanted her to stay by my side since she was my childhood Pokemon for thirteen years. Until blessed trainers like you two saved my Amphy, and thank you for coming to this town. Without the Secretpower you retrieved, I don't think that Amphy will live any longer..."

    Her voice drifted in a gloomy tone, until you grabbed her arm when you said that Jasmine is a good trainer that cares for her Pokemon. She's yet a beautiful and gracious gym leader that loved to bond with her Pokemon and can care for their compassion and appreciation she gave while battling, and she's a strong willed trainer.

    As we walked out of the gym, we turned back and glanced at it for a long minute. I thought back on how you changed a lot before to what you are now. This was what you were from a softie who battled for fun to one who tried to understand and help her Pokemon. But that was yesterday.

    ***

    I really wanted to tell you of how I felt for you Lyra. I remember eight months ago where we stood outside of New Bark Town, the town we grew up. The winds swiveled across the grass and trees as the sun shone brightly.

    It was a beautiful day that time, though I'd see you cry. You would try to run back to our hometown, weeping every time when you would think back of those times where we would be together everyday, but I would grab your shoulder and gave you the blank stare.

    "Ethan..." you said, wiping your tears. I shaked my head, walking away. As usual, you would run along with me.

    We laughed happily as we skipped through Route 31. We saw a Wooper smiling as it fell in the water. Wesaw an Aipom that fell on his head from the tree, making you burst in laughter. It's fun being with you as if we're destined to be together. But you grabbed my hand along the way we made it to that dark cave. I blushed slightly, feeling surprised as we walked in the dark cave.

    Remember that time where we tried to catch our first Pokemon around Violet City? We decided on which Pokemon to capture until sunset. As we shaked hands, my face became a bright shade of red when I saw your radiant smile, with your brown eyes full of determination. It took us almost four hours, and I caught my wacky yet strong Psyduck and you caught Bubbles, your bubbly and joyful Marill. You spinned as you laughed, holding Bubbles, which made her laugh. Though I was a bit jealous since Psyduck was rather useless in battles in terms of his occasional headaches, I was happy to see both of our Water Pokemon evolve shortly after.

    It's a miracle to see them defeat Bugsy's dangerous Scyther when their Water Gun attacks proved unstoppable to Scyther. Bugsy looked shocked as his toughest Pokemon didn't have the time to react, seeing the blast of water making its way. The strong jet of water that came from our Pokemon pushed Scyther to the wall, defeating it as it fell down, wounded and unconscious. Along with your Chikorita, Houndour and Flaaffy, you seem to be at the top. There was nothing putting you down, and you brush the difficulties away, which I like from you.

    ***

    But after our triumph from the Azalea gym, you started losing since you tend to battle softly. Even the time at Goldenrod City where your newly evolved Chikory was unusually defeated by a young boy's Smoochum, despite Chikory being physically offensive. You panicked as we saw Chikory got blasted by the frigid snow coming from Smoochum as it froze her, causing the defeat. Before the boy left, he grabbed his Smoochum and congratulated her for her first win. That made me surprised and I thought that you could win that easily except relying on tactics. It's better to realize why you want to win rather than strategies with no emotion.

    Even when you were defeated by Whitney's unstoppable Miltank you were silent for days. I recall in the Pokemon Center as I walked to you along with my Shroomish, you sat at a table with your Pokemon weeping. Mary laid on your lap, looking at your blank gaze. Devril stood tall as she looked at you with the rest of the three.

    "Mish?" Shroomish said, feeling confused. I glanced at Shroomish as I felt sorry for you. I thought that you weren't drawing out your potential since you became so comfortable of battling. I embraced myself as I walked towards you.

    "Lyra?"

    You cringed, turning your head towards me, feeling alerted. You looked scared to me when I saw your face with my hands tucked in my pockets.

    "I'm going to teach you how to break that shell of yours." I said in a stern tone.


    Your Pokemon cowered back behind you. You blushed a bit, faintly echoing a noise out of your mouth. I took a step back, blushing as well.

    "What?" you said, feeling intimidated and perplexed. You glanced down towards your Pokemon's dismal faces. I could tell that they didn't want you act like a trainer who doesn't feel pride of their Pokemon during battles. Your nails dug into your skin as you cried, which made me feel sympathetic of how you struggled to win.

    My face turned into a smile, causing you to put your hands down from your face. I shaked my head with my eyes closed.

    "Enough, we're training together." I said, opening my eyes, adjusting my hat.

    ***

    By this, I thought of that experience to be quite challenging when we practiced daily outside of Goldenrod. We would wake up early in the morning, feeling quite energetic. It was in fact one of the most refreshing days there is, as I got to see how you might battle me. We never did for some reason, and I was waiting for this day to come.

    I remember that first day when you were still in that flowery sleepwear, yawning as you felt slightly drowsy.

    I snickered as I looked at your worried face when you pleaded, "Why do we have to wake up in five in the morning?" Your voice came out displaced and in a whiny tone.

    But every training day we experienced, it felt as if you were holding back in the performances that Bubbles tried against my Scyther.

    Bubbles became enveloped of forceful water and quickly charged towards Scyther. Scyther's blades glowed brightly when he raised his hand up, shrieking. But as they collided, Bubbles quickly fell down and she had her skin cut open by Scyther's Fury Cutter. Blood sprouted quickly which caused her to faint. I ran towards Scyther and gave him a high five, laughing while you stared at Bubbles and her wound.

    My happiness ended shortly as I looked at you, crouching down with Bubbles on top of your hands. You stood still, not moving. I could feel your negative emotions that poured out, seeping into my bones and soul. I sighed sadly and returned Scyther in my Poke Ball. I wondered why you tend to battle if you don't take it seriously.

    Over the past few weeks, it felt as if we're still in a dark hole with difficulty to climb out. Every time I would see Bubbles not even cause a single tear on Scyther's skin, I'd say "Why do tend to battle? What is the purpose to train your Pokemon?" You said nothing, giving me a despondent stare. As always, your Pokemon would go down.

    But I recalled that day where you felt agitated, which your fists clenched, your face looking angry, and Bubbles looking battle ready. That explained why you were training by yourself after our training ended early in the afternoon. I was suspicious when I saw your Pokemon train by themselves near the sea when I walked around the route.

    "Scyther, attack with--" then I saw Bubbles quickly enveloped in water and flew around quickly. It was difficult seeing where to pinpoint her location, hearing strong rushing noises that made its way in my ear.

    Scyther and I cringed when he turned his head quickly, trying to see where Bubbles may be. He panted harshly. But he was suddenly struck by that jet of water right to his stomach.

    "Scyther!" I yelled as I jumped in fear, feeling amazed of that sudden attack.

    Scyther fell flat on the ground, seemingly unconscious with his mouth open wide with his eyes blank. I heard you laugh, your arms grabbing Bubbles as you snugged her face, which made me smile a little. It made me have a tingly feel that radiated inside me.

    Maybe I was wrong about you, of the way the battle. It was probably since you didn't want to take it competitively serious. I observed your increasing winnings that happened every time I get to follow you around. I learned something from you every time from that, even we're little, and it's how you should tend to feel into your Pokemon and try to learn from them. Of course I do that to Quilava and the rest, but I should keep that in mind for battling. And from my observations of your struggles, your hardships, triumphs, and how you get to treat us really made me felt deep in your heart, wanting to stay by your side. I wished that our fates were twisted, united as one.

    ***

    Now, I just finish writing my entry in my journal, closing it. I put it inside that pocket in my jacket as I walked in the luminescent, dark hall in the Pokemon Center. It's 6 P.M right now in the tenth of May, as I try to pace towards your room. Lyra, I really want to be with you. To pour out my innermost feelings and desires, to let them flow in your mind. Your birthday is tomorrow, but I just want to let you know that you are very special.

    I reach your room, walking inside, but I notice that you're not in here.... I see your bed sheet on your red carpet, and your bag not on top of your cabinet which surprises me.

    "Lyra...." I say, feeling sad of not seeing you here. My fists tightens as I storm out of the room.

    "Where are you?" I think. "Where did you go?" These thoughts flows in my mind as I try to escape the Pokemon Center. I notice that my throat is dry since I am running as quick as I can to reach you.

    As I run out of the Pokemon Center, there are certain people staring at me as they move back, feeling alerted. I didn't have any concern of their reactions, I just want to see you Lyra, to be beside you. I pace to the beach, since I know that it is the place where you most likely be.

    I notice my breath getting heavier when I run to the sandy beach.

    "Lyra!" I yell, looking around the whole area. I use my flashlight as I desperately try to locate you. As I walk through the beach as I use my flashlight, I find you standing on the docks.

    I awe when I walk slowly towards you, reaching my arm. I notice your despondent face, your eyes looking dim, your mouth barely open, and your hand on your chest. You stand still, not saying anything.

    "Lyr...rra...." I can't resist to stay away from you. My heart beats violently, making my voice crack like thin ice when I try to say your beautiful name. I slowly walk towards you still until I stand behind you, feeling distraught of what to do. There is something that pulls me back. What is it? Why...? Why am I acting this strange towards you?

    As I am lost in thought, you turn towards me, with tears pouring out of your eyes. You fall down, grabbing me tightly. Your pressure that you are giving into my psyche overwhelms me more. My face turns into a deep shade of red, with my heart hesitating to punch out of my chest.

    "Eee...than...." you say sadly.

    Your hand is reaching towards my face, which scares me. As your head is up, I begin to think of two thoughts flowing in my mind. What is it that you are trying to do? What is it that you want to show?

    "Thank...you." As your hand touches my face gently, I feel my face radiating more heat when I notice your eyes shine. But... I can feel you trembling, with your lips puckering. This strange pressure that's going on... what is going on here? My teeth are tight, with my tears flowing without control. I can't move....

    "Thank you for being by my side. You are always there when I needed help, you would cheer me on when I win or need confidence. You would help me for those eight years... and thank you." you said happily, smearing your face with your hands. "Thank you for being a good friend."

    My hands slides through your body, touching your shoulders. You smile at me, and so did I. We turn towards the sparkly sea, seeing the stars glimmer at the dark, night sky.

    It eases my pressure you have given me, which is strange. I look at your face, seeing your smile and your eyes staring at the sky.

    You tilt your head, touching my cheek, with your hand locking my fingers. We see the Lanturn jump out of the water, chanting happily. They swim quickly, never being able to be found.

    "I remember when we were arguing that day when we wanted to choose Cyndaquil," you say, chuckling, "and you chose him quickly. You would scream when Cyndaquil would accidentally set you on fire as you run in circles, but I would use my special fan to cool you off... still, it only makes me laugh when I think of your shrieking and jumping around."

    "Oh." I say coldly, silently laughing.

    Later when we are hanging out with each other in the Pokemon Center, we eat sphagetti, laughing happily. You notice sphagetti streaming out of my nose, which I wipe off with my napkin, feeling a bit embarrassed. I am sitting with you and Golduck, as we munch quickly. As we stop eating, we notice Golduck grabbing his neck as he makes sounds with his eyes wide open.

    "Golduck!" We yell in unison, slamming the table. But I feel a bit shocked when we both chanted at the same time when I think back of our combined voices. We both blush as we look at each other. We both rush towards Golduck, holding him. But we both notice that he swallows all the Poke Food, burping loudly.

    "Nice one Golduck." I say happily, then I return him back to his Poke Ball. But as I turn towards your face, I blush brightly, standing still. You say nothing, staring at me. Then you walk away.

    "Good night Ethan." you happily say. Though I feel a bit confused by that, I feel pretty happy, though you leave for no reason.

    Shortly after, I walk in the halls towards my room. I turn towards the left side of the halls, feeling happy. I feel as it's like we are reliving our lives when we were kids, when we ran around our hometown, eat with each other in out houses, always feeling happy. Every day after you learned from my skills, I feel like you are feeling your old self again, when you were always serious when it comes to protecting others.

    But I walk towards the nearby window, seeing the sky as the stars glimmer. It makes me feel more blissful, as I faintly say,

    "Happy Birthday Lyra."
    Last edited by Quilava42; 20th January 2013 at 10:18 PM.


    DeviantART Account|Youtube Account|Tumblr Account
    [*IMG]http://i1176.photobucket.com/albums/x321/BrutakaBlaziken/Quilava42GIF_zps60c971ae.gif[/IMG*]

    Please check the signature rules. Image size in total cannot exceed 500 kB.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Quars
    Posts
    189

    Default

        Spoiler:- Grammar/Nuances:


    The perspective is interesting. It colours the writing a lot, and we can see that Ethan is obviously obsessed with Lyra (if only in this part of the story), for he describes everything from her point of view. At first I actually thought this was second-person, with the 'you' repeating!

    You've got good timing for when the scene would be emotional, like with the cave. I can tell that it's meant to be quite an emotional piece, but the writing weakens that, right now.

    Is English not your first language? I don't mean to offend, but from how your wording is occasionally stilted or awkward it seems that way. I think, with some practice and a bit of work, you could definitely work past your difficulties with grammar, and then a story like this would be great.
    "That poison's only strong enough to kill a dead dog"

    A boy and his frog, venturing across the lands in search of sister and glory.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    In the Area of Johto
    Posts
    314

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by IJuggler View Post
        Spoiler:- Grammar/Nuances:


    The perspective is interesting. It colours the writing a lot, and we can see that Ethan is obviously obsessed with Lyra (if only in this part of the story), for he describes everything from her point of view. At first I actually thought this was second-person, with the 'you' repeating!

    You've got good timing for when the scene would be emotional, like with the cave. I can tell that it's meant to be quite an emotional piece, but the writing weakens that, right now.

    Is English not your first language? I don't mean to offend, but from how your wording is occasionally stilted or awkward it seems that way. I think, with some practice and a bit of work, you could definitely work past your difficulties with grammar, and then a story like this would be great.
    The first half of this chapter is in past tense, especially with the gym leader scene.


    Oh my, why do I keep being asked of this? English is my first language, I already know my grammar mistakes and that's how I think. I am practicing and learning to improve it. Like I said, I am still learning to get over my difficulty of writing.... I am born in America and was taught English mainly, and I don't see how people get angry of this.. It offends me a bit when people keep asking me this, which was why I gave up on my previous fan fic...

    But I do appreciate your comment. I wrote in that way since it's like a prologue, a memory thing for her, but in the upcoming chapters, I won't write it that way. And by sported, it's a metaphor I learned in class. But I thought this story was understandable, and I heard that ellipses end in threes, and fours if a period is added.
    Last edited by Quilava42; 21st January 2013 at 10:38 AM.


    DeviantART Account|Youtube Account|Tumblr Account
    [*IMG]http://i1176.photobucket.com/albums/x321/BrutakaBlaziken/Quilava42GIF_zps60c971ae.gif[/IMG*]

    Please check the signature rules. Image size in total cannot exceed 500 kB.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Iceland
    Posts
    4,758

    Default

    Okay, the beginning of this reads a lot like Butterfree. You acknowledge that the "setting is inspired by" it, but it's a lot more than the setting (unless you're confused about what "setting" means, which would make sense given the only element of Butterfree's setting that isn't simple novelization of the game is the PC keeping Pokémon in stasis). Compare:

    Butterfree is written in first person, addressed to a second person ("you"). It starts with the narrator, a trainer, desperately telling their Pokémon to hang on during a Gym battle against an Onix; eventually, it pulls through, defeats the Onix, and snuggles up to the trainer. After this opening battle, there is reminiscence about Pokémon battles and how the narrator and Butterfree had a powerful bond and were going to become strong together but eventually the Butterfree started losing.

    This is written in first person, addressed to a second person ("you"). It starts with Lyra, a trainer, desperately telling her Pokémon to hang on during a Gym battle against a Steelix; eventually, it pulls through, defeats the Steelix, and snuggles up to Lyra. After this opening battle, there is reminiscence about Pokémon battles and how the narrator and Lyra had a powerful bond and were going to become strong together but eventually Lyra started losing.

    See what I mean? Any one or two of these elements being present would be fine - they're individually mundane and not unique to Butterfree in the slightest. But the fact you have all of them together there in the same order written in the same uncommon POV, it's really conspicuous that it's the exact same beginning - it would have been easy to tell you'd read Butterfree even if you hadn't acknowledged it at the top. Obviously you're writing a different fic here and the second half isn't anything like it aside from the POV, but that really only makes it odder that you'd lift the beginning of some one-shot about something entirely different almost exactly.


    Overall, your writing is really hard to read. Almost every other sentence is worded weirdly in a way that makes it difficult to parse; I have a really hard time following properly what you're saying throughout. I get the basic idea of what you mean, sure, and if I pore over a sentence for a few seconds I can see exactly what you were trying to say with it (usually), but half of the time when I've finished reading over a sentence for the first time, I'm not quite sure what the sentence just said. This means your weird grammar and wording is getting severely in the way of the story you're trying to tell; you should seriously consider getting a beta reader. I realize you're practicing and learning to improve, but a beta reader can help you with that as well as the added bonus of making it easier for people to actually read your story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42
    Oh my, why do I keep being asked of this? English is my first language, I already know my grammar mistakes and that's how I think. I am practicing and learning to improve it. Like I said, I am still learning to get over my difficulty of writing.... I am born in America and was taught English mainly, and I don't see how people get angry of this.. It offends me a bit when people keep asking me this, which was why I gave up on my previous fan fic...
    People keep thinking English isn't your first language because the kinds of grammatical mistakes you make are strongly characteristic of non-native speakers and extremely uncharacteristic of native speakers.

    Native speakers of a language pick it up from hearing it spoken around them every day of their lives from birth. They have a "sense" of the language, a feel for what sounds natural and what doesn't and for nuances of meaning in everyday words. The mistakes they make are generally mistakes that only show up in writing, because they know the spoken language fluently: spelling mistakes, homophone confusion, incorrect punctuation or capitalization, breaking formal writing rules that are ignored in everyday language, or misusing/confusing vocabulary words that they don't hear used in everyday life much.

    Non-native speakers of a language have to (initially) memorize the vocabulary by mapping it onto words in their own language. They may miss nuances and multiple meanings or even just flat-out think even a reasonably common word means something different from what it actually means. They'll often get confused about idioms and figures of speech because they've had to try to simply memorize how they go. They'll get the prepositions that go with certain verbs wrong, perhaps because a different preposition or none is used in their own language. They'll order words wrong. In general, non-native speakers' mistakes are pretty conspicuous to even native speakers with little actual grammatical expertise, because to someone with that native "sense" of the language, they simply sound odd.

    Your mistakes are very consistently of the "simply sounds odd" variety. Take this sentence:

    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42
    Without the Secretpower you retrieved, I don't think that Amphy will live any longer...
    This sentence just doesn't mean what you're trying to say. It means "Amphy is going to die, because he doesn't have the Secretpotion"; it does not mean "Amphy was going to die, but now that he has the Secretpotion, he won't." To say the latter, the sentence should have been something like, "Without the Secretpower (sic) you retrieved, I don't think that Amphy would have lived any longer." This has nothing to do with writing: if you said your original sentence out loud, the person you're speaking to would still be confused and think that you're saying Amphy didn't get the medicine. Native speakers generally pick up on vital nuances like that as young children without even trying, simply by absorbing it from how the language is used around them.

    People aren't angry or trying to insult you when they ask if you're not a native speaker. There is nothing wrong with being a non-native English-speaker, and lots of great writers in the fandom are. (So am I, for that matter.) They just want to help you with your grammar, which really is seriously hindering your writing right now. If you really are just an unusual native speaker, fair enough, but it doesn't change that your grammar is really wonky and you should really try to get a beta-reader to make your work easier to read. Asking if you're a non-native speaker is just what people guess is the reason for the mistakes; it is not derogatory or offensive.


    I also can't help but cringe a little at how the setup of your story so far appears to be Lyra being weak, frail and constantly crying about absolutely everything while Ethan is strong and supports her - it feels uncomfortably sexist to portray the girl as seemingly unable to do anything without her male friend's help and crying exaggeratedly often (she cries in three out of four scenes thus far). There's nothing wrong with troubled characters, but seeing as you took Lyra - who isn't this frail and weepy in-game even when acting as a rival and is the badass Team Rocket-beating League Champion hero when used as the playable character - and turned her into this without really developing any other aspects of her personality, it just feels like she's been reduced to a stereotype. Try to give her more depth and sense of real character. You have a hint of it in the battle scene where she doesn't cry, but it's not much.


    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42
    No this is not a shipping fic, they just have a deep friendship and bond.
    Unfortunately, much as I personally prefer friendship stories to romance, this isn't what comes across in the story at all. Your Ethan comes off as desperately pining for Lyra in a distinctly romantic way.

    For someone like me, who enjoys fiction about platonic relationships more than romantic ones, I'm generally uninclined to jump from general signs that characters care strongly about one another and have a powerful bond to anything romantic. But I'm not a denialist insisting nothing is romantic ever, either: when I see characters caring about each other in a work of fiction, I just assume it's platonic by default unless I notice that things are happening between them that specifically indicate romantic feelings as opposed to platonic ones. This way, you could have something intended to be romantic that I'd read as platonic, because it's compatible with a platonic relationship and I default to that.

    But here in this story, apparently intended to be about a platonic friendship, I'm reading it as romantic anyway. Why? Because your story is full of things that are generally specific to romantic relationships - things that happen when people are romantically attracted to each other but not when they're just friends. It's not just one or two ambiguous lines, either; the story is full of moments that appear distinctly romantic as opposed to friendly.

    For instance, Ethan and Lyra keep blushing at each other. Blushing generally signals embarrassment, awkwardness or anxiety. If they're childhood friends, they should be comfortable with each other, not being embarrassed or awkward or anxious at every turn - unless, of course, they've been developing stronger feelings for one another, feelings that they feel weird about or are trying to hide. You have a lot of touching, but friends generally don't seek out physical contact for its own sake; general gestures of comfort, trust or solidarity that happen to involve touching, sure, like hugging or taking somebody's hand in a context where that makes sense, but that's not what you're doing here. When Ethan starts to talk about Lyra's softness and fragrance, it feels sexual, because people generally aren't preoccupied with how soft or fragrant their friends are - that would normally signal a desire for physical intimacy. Hands sliding around bodies, similarly, are not something you want to invoke between characters who are intended as friends. Likewise, you use a whole lot of language that is generally used only to talk about romance to express Ethan's feelings - Ethan thinks about how they're "destined to be together", how beautiful her name is, how he just wants to be beside her, how he wants to "pour out [his] innermost feelings and desires" and tell her how he feels about her, how he can't stay away from her. Having one of these things in there wouldn't exactly flip the story right over to romantic, but when you're invoking one almost exclusively romantic cliché after another to describe his feelings, it becomes very hard not to see it that way.

    Watch the words you use carefully; you need to make sure they're saying what you intended to say and not something altogether different, like here. I can't read this as a friendship story if I try.


    This could turn out interesting, but again, I strongly advise you to get a beta reader simply so that you can focus on telling your story without having to worry about weird wording or grammar getting in the way if people want to read it.


    Aside:

    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42
    I ran towards Scyther and gave him a high five
    I can't help but imagine the scythe chopping his hand off if he were to actually try this.

    (Also, why on earth does she thank Ethan when she wins the battle? It was Chikory who had more endurance than expected and managed to defeat the Steelix even with a physical attack that's not super-effective; all Ethan did was stand there. Why does he deserve credit and not her Pokémon?)


    Anyway, good luck.
    Last edited by Dragonfree; 21st January 2013 at 8:00 PM.

    Chapter 64: Hide and Seek
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    In the Area of Johto
    Posts
    314

    Default

    I'm not going to write this anymore either, judging from the truth. If you want to know why, read this and understand. I was trying to do something new after my last fanfic. I learned of how bad and misunderstanding my writing is by reading my story and reviews... I even tried proofreading the whole story and changing my sentences and still.

    http://lavaquil.deviantart.com/journ...ting-349702574
    Last edited by Quilava42; 21st January 2013 at 8:17 PM.


    DeviantART Account|Youtube Account|Tumblr Account
    [*IMG]http://i1176.photobucket.com/albums/x321/BrutakaBlaziken/Quilava42GIF_zps60c971ae.gif[/IMG*]

    Please check the signature rules. Image size in total cannot exceed 500 kB.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •