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Thread: [Discussion Thread] Islands of Origin

  1. #1
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    Default [Discussion Thread] Islands of Origin



    “And with a single toss of His mighty head, the universe was born anew, and a never ending expanse of time and space was at His command...”

    Sign-Up Thread || RP Thread

        Spoiler:- Plot:


    Inactive players are colored red.

    Players:
    1. Littna the Aipom - Feulis-Dweller - Epic-Inferno
    2. Ryuka the Riolu - Feulis-Dweller - Andydemon
    3. Diana the Kirlia - Feulis-Dweller - Jonah the Slaking
    4.
    5.
    6.

    So, participants of this RP, this thread will be your chance to discuss the plot, plot ideas, ask me questions, and to even get feedback on your posts!
    Last edited by Squiddly Dee; 24th May 2013 at 4:21 AM.


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

        Spoiler:- Shinies and credits:

  2. #2
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    Anyone up for an in depth post review? I'd like one, and I might be able to give them too.


        Spoiler:- NO H8:

    Credit: Sworn Metalhead

  3. #3
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    One in-depth post review, coming right up.

    Lysander||Soldier (Runark)|| 6;30pm, Thursday, Spring, Week 1, Month 1 (Past)||Outside his room
    You don't need to add this much in the header. Pokemon have no concept of human time anyway, so this defies their logic. All you need to have here is (Name) the (Species) || (Faction) || (Location)

    Training schedule: Year 2 soldiers in training, Month 1, Spring
    Mondays: Meet Griff in the northern training tunnel after Lunch
    Tuesdays: Meet Griff above ground at sundown
    Wednesdays: Day of rest and prayer, no training.
    Thursdays: Meet Griff in the east garrison at dawn
    Fridays: Harvest day, No training
    Saturdays: Navigation test in the deep southern tunnels (Optional), Speak to Griff if interested. Tunnel tactics in the southern war tunnel after breakfast.
    Sundays: Griff is off work today, Train with each other
    This is unneeded. You could just state that he read the training schedule. We have no reason to see what's on it.

    Lysander read the yellowed sheet of paper, which had been delivered at his door just that morning; stepping out into the dusty hallway, which was lit by candles strung across the walls, flickering softly, they cast a warm light throughout the tunnel, which was long and scattered with doors of many shapes and sizes.
    This is a run-on sentence. You could separate it into two or three sentences.

    Scurrying around a corner, Lysander entered a cave with Mew painted on the ceiling,
    A description of the painting itself here would be a nice touch, but its not required.

    The cave was ornately decorated with skins and paintings along the walls.
    Same with this. We can't picture the room if you don't tell us what some of the paintings are of, what the skins are of, etc. Either describe them or don't mention them at all.

    Lysander hurried on, albeit more carefully, as he did not wish to make anyone else hack up a lung, even if it was an accident.
    This is good. Using humor like this in your posts adds a lot more charm to the narration.

    Taking a left at the fork that ended the cave, Lysander skidded to a halt in front of a tall scarlet door, which was located in a tunnel that looked quite similar to the one his home was located in, although it was less dusty, and instead of candles on the walls, there were oil lamps, which cast a slightly harsher light into the tunnel.
    You seem to have a lot of problems with run-on sentences. Watch out for them when you write your next post.

    With a smirk that almost split her face in half, Lillian complied, leaping off of Lysander and landing with a loud thud on the floor. Before going to lean casually on some poor Pokemon’s door, leaving dirty scuff marks.
    This is a really great description. With this, you've already given Lillian a lot of character, and she hasn't even spoken a word yet.

    tossing the little sinner back into her room,
    Knowing exactly why Lysander thinks Lillian is a sinner might be nice. I know you said why in his sign-up, but stating it will be helpful for people who didn't read his sign-up.

    “Ah’m the great Lysander, an’ Ah’ can’t stand anywhoozit who is ah ‘sinner’, or summthin’, an’ Ah’ve got no sense a’ humor.” Lillian mocked, causing Lysander to grit his teeth and growl, before dissolving into a fit of laughter.
    ...I love Lillian so much I might just scream.

    I’ll ask Griff if I can take the test today.- He thought, dragging his feet along the sand of the tunnel, which looked almost exactly the same as the tunnel that Lillian resided in, although it was longer, and had more traffic in it, stopping at the largest door in the hall, a rectangular black door that had long gouges on the side, probably from either Griff’s or Rufus’s claws.
    Run-on sentence. And what do you mean by 'had more traffic in it?' Also, the thinking part should look like this: I'll ask Griff if I can take the test today, he thought.

    In his first year of training, Lysander had barely spoken to Griff,
    Okay, hold up. This makes no sense. If he'd been training for as long as a year, he would have had to speak to Griff a lot.

    faintly praying that neither Griff nor Rufus were at home.
    Why would he be praying that Griff wasn't home if he wants to ask him aout the test?

    Lysander momentarily considered running away as fast as he could,;
    Why? And what's with the semi-colon-comma action at the end?

    Griff rubbed his eye with one paw,
    He would poke his eye out if he did that.

    “I was wondering if I could take this tunnel test tonight, I believe that it will help me prove my worth as a soldier.”
    Having Lysander speak more properly to Griff here is a good touch. It's nice to show that he respects his superiors.

    even Rufus can’t navigate the deep tunnels completely.
    If this was the case, they would never even think about testing trainees like that. And Rufus dug many of the tunnels around Runark, probably mostly in that area, so this doesn't make much sense. And anyway, if this was th e case, the search party wouldn't be able to find the trainees that went missing.

    “Alright, go to the deep southern tunnels, and don’t say I didn’t warn you, I’ll have a Pokemon waiting at every exit, I urge you to start in an hour or less.”
    Run-on sentence.

    Night turned the caves black, so dark that it was hard to tell if your eyes were closed or open. Blind in the dark, I could only feel the ground under my feet, and the walls, more narrow than I would've liked. The sand here was deeper than it was in the living caves; my feet were almost covered. I moved slowly, careful not to make much noise. Listening for any disturbances, I navigated as best I could through the pitch darkness, running my hand across the dusty wall. Making a conscious effort to be as silent as possible, I treaded lightly, making sure that I was unheard, as well as unseen. As I navigated further, the air began to smell stagnant, a sign of an old, unused tunnel.
    Good description here.

    --

    Alright, that's really all the comments I have to make. Even though I did say some negative things, I will say this: Your dialogue was, for the most part, very good. Lillian and Lysander's interactions were very fun to read, but I do wish we could've seen more of that with him and Griff. All you really have to do is think a little more carefully before you write - there's no need to rush things, and I could tell from all the mistakes that it was pretty rushed. This was a good effort, though.

    Would someone be willing to review my first post?


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

        Spoiler:- Shinies and credits:

  4. #4
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    Would someone be willing to review my first post?- Epic-Inferno
    Absolutely! By the way, thank you for the review, it was very helpful. Your advice was noted. About the run-on thing, it's just a problem I have, a bad habit.

    Swinging from branch-to-branch had never felt so good. The sun shining down seemed to speckle the shadowed ground with tiny drops of light, and the very same sunlight perked me up, pushing me forward faster and faster. I couldn’t help but let a sly grin make its way onto my face. My plan this time was my best one yet.
    Lovely description here, although using 'my' twice in the last sentence throws things off a bit. I would change the second my to 'the'.

    I stopped in mid-run, just before I was about to reach the next branch. And that smile was off my face in two shakes of a Mareep’s tail. I looked to the ground to see who could possibly be interrupting me and frowned when I saw it was a familiar face.
    Mid-run doesn't make sense, you should change it to mid-swing. Otherwise, this is nice.

    Standing on the ground, looking nervously up at me was a Linoone. His wide, blue eyes were shining with curiosity, and he looked like he had about a million and a half questions ready to fly out of his mouth. But, I could see a hint of nervousness in his stance. The way his eyes kept darting from side to side didn’t exactly make him seem confident. “Well, uh, I just wanted to ask about th’... you know...”
    I have a first world problem with this one, you should've made Benji's line a separate paragraph, it also needs a speech tag. (Example: Swallowing nervously, Benji began to speak, "Well, uh, I just wanted to ask about th' ... you know..." )

    “The ceremony?” I replied, trying to conceal my anger. He should’ve been down at the ceremony grounds ages ago. I couldn’t get over how hard it was for this buffoon to follow orders. Is it really so difficult to just sit down and shut up?
    The 'grounds' after ceremony is completely unnecessary, and throws the rest of the paragraph off, I would remove it. The 'is' in the last sentence should also be changed to 'was'. I would also add 'just' after 'I' in the third sentence, it adds a touch more realism in personality.

    “Yeah, yeah, that...” he laughed nervously and averted his eyes. I could just tell he didn’t want to face me head on. How cute. “I, well. I just wanted to ask a few questions, y’see...”
    The 'just' in the second sentence is unnecessary, and you should add a 'that' after 'tell'. By the way, Benji is adorable, I like him a lot.


    “Go ahead.” I spat out the two words, urging him to ask them all the more. These had better be worthwhile.
    The 'I spat out the two words' part throws the sentence off. There is such a thing as over describing, change it to 'I spat'.

    He was getting even more nervous now. The end of his tail was beginning to twitch, and his ears were doing the same. I swear I saw a few beads of sweat roll down his forehead. Gross. “Well, I was wonderin’. Isn’t this whole ceremony thing a little... rude?”
    I would change 'he' to 'Benji', just to make it clearer to the reader. Otherwise, this is great!


    Rude? What did he mean by that? I was beyond confused. Nothing about this was any ruder than what we’d done before. I raised an eyebrow incredulously, staring right at him. “What do you mean by that?” I asked.
    I hate to tell you, but Aipoms don't have eyebrows. I actually wanted Griff to raise an eyebrow, but I realized that he didn't have any.

    “Isn’t it wrong to get into th’ others’ business?” he murmured, as if he was trying not to be heard. “I, I mean, the other stuff was jus’ for good fun, but this is a little different, don'tcha think?”
    Again, make it clear to the reader that the 'he' who is talking is Benji. It's easy to tell, but it's a bad habit to not name your character for a long time. You don't want to confuse the reader.

    I was still having trouble hiding my confusion. He’d followed me so obediently in the past, so what’s so different now? Oh well. I figured a little manipulation would keep him quiet.
    'What's' is incorrect grammar, change it to 'what was'. Remember to stick to one tense. On a better note, I love Littna, she's great.

    I let out a short chuckle. “Ah, Benji, Benji Benji... It’s not rude at all!”
    I'm only quoting this because it has a very minor grammar error, and I have first world problems. There should be a comma after the second 'Benji'.

    And then I saw just what I’d been waiting for. He stopped twitching, stopped jittering, and raised his eyebrows in confusion. That’s it. It’s all going well so far.
    Again with the eyebrows thing. Benji could furrow his brow, because that just means forehead.

    “All these ceremonies... who are they for, again?” I ask.
    You need to stay in one tense, change 'ask' to 'asked'.

    “Well, boss,” he said, still taken aback by what I said. “They’re for that Celebi guy, right?”
    Did I already say that I loved Benji, because I love Benji! This line is great!

    “Exactly!” I said, giving him a big smile. “But, tell me, Benji, is Celebi real?”
    Littna is such an ***, wow. I love it!

    He had to think about his answer for a second. He bit his lip and stared at the ground, racking his brains for an answer. And then he nodded hesitantly. “Of course he’s real, boss!”
    Change the 'he' at the beginning to 'Benji', don't confuse readers.

    Of course he’d say that. How could I expect anything otherwise? I shook my head in denial, confounding him once again. “You may think so, Benji, but he’s not.”
    This paragraph is great, you portray your characters very well.

    “...What?” Comes the answer. “But, then, why would they be celebratin’ him?”
    Change 'comes the answer' to 'Benji asked', it makes more sense.

    “Do you think I know?” I said, snapping back into my usual self. “I don’t know! He’s not real, no one’s ever seen him, and the idea of him is just preposterous anyways! We’re gonna show those villagers the truth!”
    'Snapping back into my usual self' doesn't sound right, 'snapping back to my usual self' would be better, unless Littna somehow left her body.

    He thought about it for a second, almost as if he hadn’t even processed the thought yet. And suddenly, it hit him. He nodded, a wide smile on his face. “I get it!”
    This doesn't make sense, change 'almost as if he hadn’t even processed the thought yet' to 'processing the the statement slowly, it was almost painful to watch'.

    About time. “Alright, then go where I told you. And make it snappy!”
    The comma should be after 'then'.

    I couldn’t help but show off my widest, proudest smile at his compliment. He sure knew what he was talking about. “I know,” I said, raising my head high. “And don’t you forget it.”
    Littna is so cute, in a really weird way. I like her a lot.

    And without another word, I dashed right after him, leaping through the undergrowth.
    You have a bad habit of starting sentences with 'and', not only is this bad grammar, but you are also overusing it. Try to start less sentences with words like 'because', 'but', or 'and'. It's alright to do it once in a while, you just seem to do it too much.

    I looked out towards the crowd, adrenaline pumping through my veins. And how could I not be excited? Everyone from the village was here, and the mob of Pokemon seemed to stretch on forever. Noises passed through the swarm, whether they were the chatter of excited Pokemon, or the roaring of the massive waterfall behind them. Something about all the noise, the energized atmosphere, just perked me up. I knew I was ready to show them my best. But, just to be sure, I shot a glance across the clearing, focusing on a massive tree. And in return, Benji poked his head out from behind the tree branch, flashing a wide smile, one that was almost too big for his face. He was ready, too. Good. He couldn’t screw this up. This was my last chance to get off of this hellhole, and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. As I saw a duo of figures push their way through the crowd, I scurried farther up the tree I’d been clinging to, almost as if on cue. I sat atop the highest branch, staring down at the scene, with my heart pounding so loudly I swore I could almost hear it. Though my hands were shaking with anticipation, I managed to hastily wrap a stray vine around my waist. I fastened my bag just a bit tighter, taking a few last looks to make sure my tools were resting safely inside. “It’s all set,” I muttered to no one in particular. “They’ll never know what hit ‘em.”
    This is good, although I would like a little more description of the area, instead of focusing on the Pokemon.

    One of the figures managed to climb out of the mob, and as soon as he stood in front of the massive crowd, each and every Pokemon fell silent, as if they were almost afraid to speak in his presence. A few knelt down, or bowed their heads. But he just waved a clawed hand at them, as if to tell them the gesture was unnecessary. I couldn’t help but let out an annoyed sigh when he climbed his way to the top of the stone slab that hung over the audience, and they clapped and cheered in reply. But if I was in their place, I wouldn’t show even a sliver of respect for that fool. Yes, Bullet, that smartass of a Sceptile, was practically having them all swooning at his feet. If only they’d realize he isn’t really all that great. He’s bossy, uptight, and overall, he just really needed to take a chill pill. I can’t see how everyone else can stand the guy, let alone practically worship him.
    This is amazing, the only thing is that you keep switching tenses, stay in one tense.

    The next figure slowly lumbered behind, and he was sure taking his sweet time to climb to the top of the rock. But, when he finally did make it to the top, I soon saw that he looked the same as ever. His eyes were closed tight, he was hunched over quite a bit, and he had that same old stupid, carefree smile plastered to his face. I hadn’t even been here for that long, but even I could tell that Glenn the Venusaur wasn’t getting any younger. Even though everyone says he’s the leader, I can never believe it. He never does anything! Just lie around, take in the sunlight, and smile. And don’t give me that ‘he’s old’ excuse - I’ve hardly ever seen him move his gigantic warty behind, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a quality a leader wants to have.
    I love this paragraph, although you are still switching tenses.
    Littna's description of Glenn was hilarious!


    Ugh. I swear, it was all making me feel sick. How could these villagers blindly follow such obvious lies? I rolled my eyes in annoyance as he brought his speech to a close.
    Littna is great! Her opinions on things are amazing.


    The crowd turned their heads to the sky, with a small group slowly beginning their prayer.

    For the dear, sweet emperor who alone embraces time...

    A few voices joined in, as their words grew steadily louder.

    For the humble traveler who lives a thousand lives...

    One by one, each bird Pokemon took to the sky, circling above, filling the air with their harmonious song.

    The pure-hearted being who lets us live out our days...

    And finally, everyone was praying, speaking in unison as if they were all but a single being.

    Who lets not a single moment escape his gaze.

    They reached their arms up to the sky, as if they were calling out to the sun.

    You have given us the power, to love and to dream...

    And for you, the holy one, all we can say is-

    THWACK!
    This is really good, and ends with a touch of humor, kudos.

    Each and every Pokemon fell silent as the sound echoed through the clearing. The bird Pokemon ceased their melodic cries, the praying stopped just as quickly as it had started, and the eyes of the Pokemon sitting in front widened in shock.

    And then it came again. THWACK! A massive tree branch slammed into the back of Bullet’s head, taking him completely by surprise. And when he stood back up, rubbing the back of his head, he was glaring intensely at the ground, his hands clenching into tight fists.

    “Alright...” he said through gritted teeth, quivering with rage. “Who’s fault is this...?”

    It took all my willpower to not burst out laughing. Bullet, who had held himself in such high regard, was shaking with fury. Even though he was probably the downright stupidest Pokemon I’d ever met, having Benji around really did come in handy sometimes. He’d gotten everything just right - the timing, the angle of the branch, and, as I saw the bushes off to the side shake, I noted that he’d gotten down the getaway, too. Step 1 had gone completely as planned. But they hadn’t seen anything yet.

    Bullet was growing angrier by the second, looking around furiously. And, to no one in particular, he shouted the same question as before.

    “Who did this?! Show yourself!”

    Not a single Pokemon said a word. They were too busy shaking in their skins, startled by his sudden burst of rage. And yet, they all seemed to know who it was. They all had a single name pursed on their lips, and yet, they knew better than to say it. Bullet stomped one foot to the ground.

    “Alright, I’ve had enough!” He was shouting at the top of his lungs, the sheer wrath in his voice ringing loud and clear. “Littna, where are you?!”

    “I’m right HERE!”

    I dove out of the cover of leaves, dipping down into the crowd and then whizzing right back into the open air. And believe me, everyone’s expressions were priceless. A few jaws were dropped, a few exchanged confused glances, but everyone’s eyes were wide open in shock. The only one who wasn’t astonished was Bullet, who shot a glare at me. “Littna, you get down here this INSTANT!”

    And immediately, my comeback was ready. “Now, now, Bullet,” I said, coating my voice in sugary-sweet sarcasm. “Do you really think I’m going to do that?”

    Bullet muttered something incomprehensible under his breath. Probably some curse words that were too delicate for my sweet, precious ears. But then, he decided to strike. At a speed that shocked even me, he leapt towards me, ready to tear up the vine keeping me suspended above the ground.

    ...But, he was immediately given a faceful of sticky sap.

    Okay, I’ll admit it. As he fell to the ground, face covered in the stuff, I couldn’t help but giggle a little. Fine, it was more than a little. First, it was a throaty snicker , then it became a hearty chuckle, and soon enough, I was laughing so loudly that my sides started to ache. Oh, how I crack myself up sometimes. But my moment of glory came to a complete stop when I felt a clawed hand grab me by the scruff of my neck.
    This part was probably the best part of the post, I liked it a lot.

    I knew full well it was Bullet, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to get me this time, too. I thrashed around, hoping to wiggle myself free, but his iron grip only strengthened. Finally, I looked straight at him, and shouted. “Hey! Let me go!”

    “Littna,” he whispered through gritted teeth. “We need to talk.” He spat out the last word, and it sent shivers up my spine. And as he dragged me away, I was powerless to resist.
    The end seems a bit rushed, otherwise it is very good.

    I love your characters, and the post was great overall, but you really need to work on your tenses. You also need to cut down on sentences that start with and or but. Finally, remember to use character tags, you don't need to use them in every line, but you should use them every 3 to 4 lines to remind the reader who it is.

    Overall the post was extremely good, and you only need to work on a few things.

    It was an amazing post, and you should feel proud of yourself, don't let my criticism let you down, it's just constructive criticism. I just want to help.

    Thank you for reviewing my post by the way.


        Spoiler:- NO H8:

    Credit: Sworn Metalhead

  5. #5
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    Thank you for the review! For the whole tenses thing, I don't usually switch tenses so much. But with this post, I had originally written it out in present tense and decided to change it back. I just missed a few spots, that's all. And about the eyebrows thing, pretty much no Pokemon has eyebrows, and it really doesn't make sense, so I figured I'd give them eyebrows anyway. I'll be editing my post to make these few minor tweaks.
    Last edited by Squiddly Dee; 15th February 2013 at 11:44 PM.


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

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    I'll probably edit mine too, not right now, but eventually.


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  7. #7
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    Could I have a review of my most recent post?


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

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    Just a heads up mainly for Rapid and Epic,

    My next post will be coming later this week probably Wednesday because I'm swamped with Uni-work.
    Sorry 'bout that.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by The.Meta View Post
    Just a heads up mainly for Rapid and Epic,

    My next post will be coming later this week probably Wednesday because I'm swamped with Uni-work.
    Sorry 'bout that.
    You can't be attacking Runark just yet, it's too early in the rp! Epic said so. But if you wait just a little while you probably can, the other thing is that if you attack Runark on Runark, there is an extremely high chance that you will lose. The Runarkians have a huge advantage, they know the tunnels, and the battle would probably be immediately dragged underground. Also, Quartzir has no reason to attack Runark this early in the story.


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  10. #10
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    I feel as if you might need to re-read my post Rabid and pay more attention to the subtext.


    1)We're not really on the offensive in Runark, We're just kind of there. Like I said we're a camp full of the worst soldiers Quartzir has and when we're not busy repairing damage from Runark raids, Yes that's right Runark know's we're here and really, aren't very phased and it's easy to see why, we don't have the numbers to do anything offensive and have no information about the tunnels or underground other than "They exist."

    2)THE POINT OF THE CAMP IS TO LOSE! Ugh that made me a little agitated. It was like you didn't read my post at all and that's kind of offensive. You quickly jumped to the idea that the camp is the be all and end all and start of a huge battle on Runark, when explicitately stated in my post
    "You're not sent to the Runark offensive to serve, you're sent here to die"
    and not to mention the letter that they got, that said (I'm paraphrasing) "We're not sending any more supplies and recruits, you've been discontinued," Not to mention again, apart from being raided I didn't mention anything about us attacking anything, the point of the camp is so that and I'm quoting again:

    "he knew that it was less of a military operation, more of a death camp, where Sepres could keep a foot hold on the island without fully committing herself to an invasion, unfortunately no solider in there right mind would choose to come here, it had the most one sided fighting since the war began, with Quartzirian soldiers dieing of both there wounds from consistent raids and the lack of supplies being sent to the island"
    The camp is a death camp, Where Sepres is sending men she doesn't want to take part in actual operations to die whilst keeping an eye on Runark. Runark can't get rid of the camp because if they were to attack a Quartzirian establishment, It would give Sepres an actual reason to push an attack on Runark so they're being smart and simply raiding it when ever they feel like it to keep it in check. It can't see any of the underground and poses 0 threat to them so they really don't care and they're smart enough not to give Sepres a reason to ignite a whole new reason for conflict.

    If you can give me some direct evidence from my post that conflicts with anything I've said here, I'll change it, happily. Until then, I really want to continue this plot line. War is so often depicted as glorious and carefree, its about time someone made an RP plot point about how war isn't all that glorious. I'd also appreciate PMing me first before jumping on the Disc. thread.

    As for Epic, I send you all of the plot ideas, and I really thought I'd stuck to what I sent you 100%, again; a PM first before a disc.thread message would be much appreciated.

    Thank's for reading guys, sorry for sounding like a bit of a pompous tart, I'd just gotten home from Uni and this wasn't exactly what I wanted to see.
    Last edited by The.Meta; 18th February 2013 at 11:32 PM.

  11. #11
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    The way I maneuvered through the forest was the same as ever. Grabbing a branch with my most trusty tool, my tail, and then flying through the open air, only to seize a vine. From then on it was just rinse and repeat, same-old same-old, but every time, it filled me with a new burst of energy, and it felt so good to just be alive. Only a few measly patches of sun were able to make their way through the canopy, but every one that I passed through invigorated me all the more, and strengthened the triumphant feeling burning in my chest. It was almost like I didn’t have any injuries, like the cuts covering my shoulders had dissolved into mist, and the still bleeding gouge in my back had sealed up. Whenever I went on these little excursions, life was bliss, simple as that, if only for a few minutes.
    This is lovely as heck, how do you even do that? All I can say is, "Wow."

    Since I knew the forest like I knew the back of my paws, I could immediately tell when it was time to switch up my usual routine. I dove from my branch, but rather than snatching the vine in front of me, I fell to the ground, grinning as I stuck the landing. I was almost to my destination already. I’d almost reached our tree.
    Again, this is great, no problems.

    Our tree didn’t look different from any of the other trees here in this forest. It wasn’t too tall, or too short. It wasn’t a different shape. Its branches looked identical to all the other trees. But in my eyes, it was completely different. All the trees were great, sure. They were like a playground, a place for me to leap and to play, and to remember the only great thing about this place. But our tree was a different story.
    I love the way Littna thinks, it's very unique.

    I wandered over to our tree, smiling as its leaves wafted in the breeze, as if it was welcoming me. I hunkered down low to look through the hole in its base, before squeezing my way through. That was the beauty of our tree - the hole was just big enough for us to squeeze through, but small enough that even if that party-pooper Bullet found us out, he couldn’t get in. And then, as I looked around the tree, I noticed someone sitting in the corner expectantly, the one who made the tree ‘our tree’ rather than mine alone.
    Again, Littna's thought pattern, lovely.

    “Hey, boss!” Benji dashed over to me, his big blue eyes lit up with excitement. “How’d it go? You showed ‘em, right? You showed ‘em!”
    Daw! I love Benji!
    My face fell as I remembered my failure. I’d almost forgotten about it, with everything that happened afterwards having been at the forefront of my mind. “Not this time,” I said, shaking my head solemnly.

    His ears drooped in disappointment, and his gaze flickered to the ground. “Well, gosh, boss, I sure am sorry ‘bout that.” He shuffled his paws nervously before speaking again. “Erm... boss? What happened?”

    I didn’t exactly feel in the mood to retell the events of my blunder, but I figured there was no harm in it. He was my most trusted subordinate (and my only one, really), so he did deserve to know, even if he probably didn’t have the mental capacity to understand half of it. “Well, after you left, I swung into the center, just like we’d planned,” I began.

    “Haha!” Benji chuckled. “I bet the looks on their faces were priceless!”

    I grinned as I recalled the moment. The crowd’s eyes wide as dinner plates, their jaws practically dropped to the floor, the shouts of outrage that I laughed off without a care. “You know it,” I crooned with a confident nod. “Absolutely priceless.”
    Again, you've outdone yourself. The only thing that was bothering me was your use of the word 'crooned', a more appropriate word for the situation would've been 'crowed'.

    “Ooh!” He cried, his tail excitedly swishing behind him. “Keep goin’! Keep goin’!” It really did astonish me how fast this guy’s mood could change. One moment, downcast and gloomy, the next, ready to bounce off the walls.
    This should be two separate paragraphs.

    “And Bullet was totally PISSED,” I continued. “He was yellin’ all sorts of stuff at me. He jumped up to try and grab me, but guess what I did?”

    “What?” Benji looked up at me curiously, on the edge of his seat to hear what happened next. I dug around in my bag, rummaging through the sticky cobwebs, the fake food, and the ever-so-useful rope traps. Finally, I pulled out a jar of sticky sap, holding it up triumphantly.

    “I threw some of this bad boy in his face,” I said haughtily, giving him a self-assured smirk for good measure.

    Benji’s mouth flew agape, and he seemed to be in absolute awe, looking at me as if I was some sort of god. “Wow...!”

    “That’s about all that went well, though,” I reluctantly admitted. “Bullet got ahold of me after that, screamed his head off at me... y’know the usual.”
    Littna's interactions with Benji are hilarious, not to mention adorable.


    Truthfully, I really can't find anything wrong with your post (I tried too). It's really, really good. Kudos to you, you had some minor punctuation mistakes, but that's it.


        Spoiler:- NO H8:

    Credit: Sworn Metalhead

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    Everyone, I'd like to make an announcement. As I'm sure you may have noticed, Billy Mays is our only RP member who has not made a post yet, and he has not been active on Serebii. I've sent him several messages asking him if he will continue participating, but he has not responded. I have decided to allow someone else who signed up to get a spot. This doesn't mean I am kicking Billy Mays out of the RP, but I think it is important for that empty spot to be filled. So, I'll be giving Jonah the Slaking a chance to fill that spot!


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

        Spoiler:- Shinies and credits:

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    The Astral Plane
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    Hai gaiz! As the previous post said, I'll be filling in for Billy Mays. I should be able to post soon. I just have to catch up on events first.
    Oh hey, I have a Nuzlocke story.
    I hath claimed the ULTIMATE TROLL!
    When an unknown infection spreads throughout Hoenn, it's up to three elite Trainers to defeat its source: Deoxys.
    Currently up to Chapter 2 of the sequel.
    Credit to Atari!
    Quote Originally Posted by Kamina
    Do you know why people have eyes at the front? It's to see the vast landscape, and to move forward. If we had eyes in the back, we'd only see ourselves leaving our birthplace. That way, people could never move forward. Our eyes are at the front, so that when we walk, the distant landscape draws closer. That's why people can move forward.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    Okay, I need to make a really important anouncement. I will probably have to be inactive for a while - there was a huge gas leak found in my neighborhood, and it is right under my house. I cannot post today, and I might not be able to access my computer for a few days. I apologize.


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

        Spoiler:- Shinies and credits:

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    As I'm sure you've all noticed, we really only have half the participants we should in this RP. It has all but been forgotten by two of the players, and while the remaining one of our inactive three claims she wants to try her best to keep this project alive, it's been over 90 days and she hasn't done a thing. All of this is weighing on my confidence, and my drive to bring myself to write new posts, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I even tried putting up this RP on the most populous RP forum on the internet - 5 weeks, and hardly anyone even paid it a passing glance. But even though Islands of Origin is slowly floundering due to inactivity, I don't want all of my hours and hours of work to go to waste. I've become too attached to these characters, and too excited about what plot developments are to come to just let it die out so easily. So, I've come to make an announcement.

    I am re-opening Sign-Ups for Soldiers only. The Feulis-Dwellers' story arc is too far along in development to allow any newcomers to join. And I've also decided on another thing: I will contact Rabid and LCracked, as I know both IRL, and if they are no longer interested in participating, I will not hesitate in kicking them both out. It's a shame, but both of them are currently taking up spots that frankly, they do not deserve if they aren't going to contribute.

    I'm determined to keep this RP alive, no matter what it takes, which is why I will be taking Soldier Sign-Ups for the next ten days. Lengthening the deadline from here if needed will be difficult, as I have to leave on a camping trip for several days immediately after my school year ends on June 6th, but I will lengthen the deadline after I return if I need to. I've wholeheartedly decided that I will NOT let this RP die without fighting to keep it alive, and without gathering new people, I'm afraid that probably isn't possible. If any further developments occur, I'll post them here. Thank you, Andy and Jonah, for sticking through with this RP even though we've had difficulties. But I think that if we work together, we can and will keep this RP going.


    Back from a very long hiatus. Signature and other things under construction! My friend code is 3496-9664-6228, and my friend safari contains Slugma, Growlithe, and Braixen.

        Spoiler:- Shinies and credits:

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