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Thread: The Search For Jirachi

  1. #1
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    Default The Search For Jirachi

    Prologue


    I stood up on my four hooves and padded on the decomposing leaves, trying to source the sound in total darkness. As I got deeper into the forest, I saw a flickering flame dancing in the hollow midnight.

    "Celebi, is that you? If it is, Stantler here, and keep that noise down! D'ya hear me?"

    But noone answered. It wasn't Celebi, it couldn't have been. But many weird things can happen.

    The rustling got louder and louder, creeping toward me like a silent snake. I was froze like a deer in headlights

    "We gottem, haven't we? Legendary 'n all, 'e is. Sell 'im for a right fortune, we can."


    "What was it again, Steve?"

    "Jirachi, you dunce. Let's get outta 'ere before 'em policeguys are on our tails. Can't 'ave 'em take us to the Bailey, eh?"

    "Sure right."

    "Jirachi! Rachi chi!" scre. eched poor Jirachi from the net he was confined in.

    I dwelled on this scene the whole night. I couldn't think why a human would kidnap a Pokčmon like Jirachi. Only pure evil itself could hurt the little darling. But I had a morning to help that. As I thrashed about my bushy home, I couldn't help but think; What will they do with Jirachi? The ghastly possibilities danced around my head like a whirliwind. I had to do something. It was my duty.

    Early the next morning I arose from my bush, tired and fatigued, but determined to find Celebi and question her on the matter.

    "Celebi? Celebi, where are you? Please come here. I need a word."

    Almost instantly Celebi swooped down from the emerald trees and landed at my hooves.

    "What's the matter?" inquired Celebi

    "Something terrible happened last night, Celebi. Two human men came and stole Jirachi by trapping her in a metal wire net."

    "Oh dear! What are we going to do?! We have to get Jirachi back, pronto!"exclaimed Celebi, starting to swoop out of the forest on a desperate search.


    "Wait, Celebi. Are you suggesting that I, Stantler, trek over the globe to try and find Jirachi?"


    "Yes! Please, we've gotta! It's poor Jirachi's only hope!" PLEASE!" sobbed Celebi, noisily and angrily.



    I couldn't bear to see poor Celebi like this. It was distressing, as Celebi is like a baby to me.


    ...Anyway I will not dwell on that. I am determined not to cry.


    "Ok then. I'll come with you."


    "Thankyou!"


    "We are gonna find Jirachi. Whether we have to trek the globe on all fours and search every city in the whole damn region, we are gonna FIND JIRACHI!"
    And with that, we ran off into the wide world

    image credit goes to me, yay! i might make you an image if you ask nicely
    +I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste if you are too!+


  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Default

    Thanks, I will on my next chapter :-)

    image credit goes to me, yay! i might make you an image if you ask nicely
    +I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste if you are too!+


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    Default

    Hey there, interesting fic premise you have there!

    I like the idea of Celebi and a wild Pokemon teaming up to rescue another legendary. You have potential for a great adventure story here. That said, it does need some work. For instance, description is really going to help you out here if you add it well. You want to use words to describe everything in the story, from the surroundings to the characters to the action, to create a clear picture for your reader, so it feels like they’re watching a movie in their heads. Describe the forest – what does Stantler see, hear, even smell? What do the leaves feel like under his/her hooves? What do the poachers look like? What kinds of expressions were on their faces? How does Stantler feel seeing strange humans in his/her territory? How did Jirachi look in their net – did it seem to be in pain or was it only half-conscious? What does Celebi, the legendary and revered guardian of the forest, look like? A big part of telling a story well is setting the scene, describing the environment and the characters in it.

    Frankly, I don’t know why jireh the provider gave you the advice he did, because none of it is necessary. We specifically ask in the Fan Fiction Rules that you do not change the font size (or colour) of your text because it makes it more irritating to read. Also, you do not need a line break to separate scenes. If you are consistent with your spacing – as in between every paragraph you only skip one line as you’re supposed to – then if you skip two/three lines one time, it will indicate to your reader that this is a different scene. Stick to something like that.

    jireh, it's also not very helpful if you say to work on spelling/grammar without actually saying what is wrong. Plus your mistype doesn't help your case. :P Anyway, some simple small errors you can easily fix:

    I was froze like a deer in headlights
    Should be “frozen,” and you need a period at the end of the sentence. Every sentence needs to end in a period.

    "We gottem, haven't we? Legendary 'n all, 'e is. Sell 'im for a right fortune, we can."
    Doing accents can be cool, but be careful not to overdo it. For instance, you can take out the last “we can” because it’s just too much. Keep in mind that you’re trying to convince people that these are real people, and that they should be taken seriously, so you don’t want to exaggerate how they speak. Also “gottem” should be “got ‘em.”

    "Jirachi! Rachi chi!" scre. eched poor Jirachi from the net he was confined in.
    I’m no sure what the “scre. eched” was supposed to mean, but you really need to reread your work and look for these kinds of mistakes before you post your work. Also why is Jirachi just screaming its name is Stantler can understand both humans and Pokemon? or is it just screaming the way a human screams "ahhhhh"?

    This is also a moment where description would be really helpful. Instead of just kind of saying “Jirachi was in a net,” describe it Jirchi’s form being tangled in the net. Describe the look on its face, describe if its body looks pure and white or all scratched up, and things like that. Again, this is how you help create a strong picture of what’s going on in the reader’s head.

    "Thankyou!"
    Should be two words.


    Honestly, most of these mistakes you should have been able to find and fix if you had reread and edited your story before posting it. That's an essential part of writing for any writer.

    Anyhow, overall this looks good so far, but you do have a good amount of fixing up to do. Start working on your description, and read some novels and other fics here to get an idea of what to do. Don't forget to proofread your work a few times before posting as well. Good luck!

    ~Psychic

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
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    SE asia, Phiippines.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Celebi-Rose View Post
    Prologue


    I stood up on my four hooves and padded on the decomposing leaves, trying to source the sound in total darkness. As I got deeper into the forest, I saw a flickering flame dancing in the hollow midnight.

    "Celebi, is that you? If it is, Stantler here, and keep that noise down! D'ya hear me?"

    But noone answered. It wasn't Celebi, it couldn't have been. But many weird things can happen.

    The rustling got louder and louder, creeping toward me like a silent snake. I was froze like a deer in headlights

    "We gottem, haven't we? Legendary 'n all, 'e is. Sell 'im for a right fortune, we can."


    "What was it again, Steve?"

    "Jirachi, you dunce. Let's get outta 'ere before 'em policeguys are on our tails. Can't 'ave 'em take us to the Bailey, eh?"

    "Sure right."

    "Jirachi! Rachi chi!" scre. eched poor Jirachi from the net he was confined in.

    I dwelled on this scene the whole night. I couldn't think why a human would kidnap a Pokčmon like Jirachi. Only pure evil itself could hurt the little darling. But I had a morning to help that. As I thrashed about my bushy home, I couldn't help but think; What will they do with Jirachi? The ghastly possibilities danced around my head like a whirliwind. I had to do something. It was my duty.

    Early the next morning I arose from my bush, tired and fatigued, but determined to find Celebi and question her on the matter.

    "Celebi? Celebi, where are you? Please come here. I need a word."

    Almost instantly Celebi swooped down from the emerald trees and landed at my hooves.

    "What's the matter?" inquired Celebi

    "Something terrible happened last night, Celebi. Two human men came and stole Jirachi by trapping her in a metal wire net."

    "Oh dear! What are we going to do?! We have to get Jirachi back, pronto!"exclaimed Celebi, starting to swoop out of the forest on a desperate search.


    "Wait, Celebi. Are you suggesting that I, Stantler, trek over the globe to try and find Jirachi?"


    "Yes! Please, we've gotta! It's poor Jirachi's only hope!" PLEASE!" sobbed Celebi, noisily and angrily.



    I couldn't bear to see poor Celebi like this. It was distressing, as Celebi is like a baby to me.


    ...Anyway I will not dwell on that. I am determined not to cry.


    "Ok then. I'll come with you."


    "Thankyou!"


    "We are gonna find Jirachi. Whether we have to trek the globe on all fours and search every city in the whole damn region, we are gonna FIND JIRACHI!"
    And with that, we ran off into the wide world

    I'd take my last review back since I made it too subpar. Here's a more detailed one.

    I stood up on my four hooves and padded on the decomposing leaves, trying to source the sound in total darkness. As I got deeper into the forest, I saw a flickering flame dancing in the hollow midnight.

    "Celebi, is that you? If it is, Stantler here, and keep that noise down! D'ya hear me?"
    I'd have a tip that I can share when it comes to balancing the amount of paragraphs. The second sentence can be connected to the first paragraph. That way, you can avoid making it choppy [ a term used when there are too much separated sentences.

    But noone answered. It wasn't Celebi, it couldn't have been. But many weird things can happen.

    The rustling got louder and louder, creeping toward me like a silent snake. I was froze like a deer in headlights
    The noone should be no one. Just to keep in mind. Another thing. That froze. It should be frozen. Just giving you another crucial advise. In writing ANY story, you want to keep the tenses of your sentences focus on one tense. Thus, let's say you are writing the first scenario of your chapter 1. Make sure you check your sentence structure of your pronouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs focus on one tense. Your entire prologue has an odd mix of past tense structure her and present there. It's kinda jarring. I'd recommend that you plan out the tense you are going to use on your chapters. it helps in the long run.

    Tense is something that we can call a time stream. Past Present, Future. You know those basics, I think.

    Just like the other quote, merge the 2 paragraphs. Its too choppy.

    "Jirachi! Rachi chi!" scre. eched poor Jirachi from the net he was confined in.
    Uhhhhhhh. What is this ... missing plot hole? Or grammar hole of sorts. It need tailoring.

    Please be a bit more careful when you try to review other peoples' fics. Your review here wasn't that helpful in that you told the writer to change the font size even though they're not supposed to, and telling them to work on spelling/grammar without actually saying what the errors are isn't helpful. Please try to be more aware of these things in the future.

    -from Psychic
    Look madam. I hear you! I just edited it okay? Look its done.
    Final Chapter: 38: Mountain's Edge(Click the Banner above)

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