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Thread: Nightfall

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    Default Nightfall

    Nightfall
    PG-13
    Welcome. It has been a long road, that’s for certain. After three and a half years, The Sevii Islands Saga, the first part in a three part series, was completed. This is its sequel. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE READ THE SEVII ISLANDS SAGA TO READ THIS.

    Overview:

    I thought it would be interesting to note that when I originally conceived my fic, this was the main plot. Although the story has gone through many versions, the concept has remained the same. Now, if you read The Sevii Islands Saga, you will know that most of it was a journey fiction. If that is what you are expecting here, I am sorry to disappoint. While there will be many aspects of the happy-go-lucky journey fiction that most of TSIS was, they will diminish over the course of the fiction’s 25 chapters, becoming completely eliminated by the end, and literally non-existent in the final installment. I would venture to say that this is hybrid journey-war fic, like nothing else on this forum.

    The Story so Far:

    War has enveloped the world. Oblivia, Almia, Fiorre, and parts of Sinnoh, Kanto, Hoenn, the Orange Islands have fallen under the rule of the ruthless Galactic Coalition, a rebellious, terrorist organization formed in the Sevii Islands originally as a special interest group, by John’s grandfather, Patrick. Patrick died, six months prior to the start of TSIS in the prequel, Four Island High, but it was later revealed that Cyrus, the leader of Team Galactic and his former best friend, killed him. At the start of The Sevii Islands Saga, the Pokémon Deoxys was resurrected on Birth Island, in an attempt by Galactic to gain control of the Sevii Islands. After following an ancient prophecy on how to destroy the beast, John and his friends, Mike, Lindsey, George, and Joey were thrust into the war. John and Scott, Cyrus’s son, managed to incapacitate Deoxys and kill Cyrus, but George and Joey died in the process. Simultaneously, nuclear weapons stolen from Johto were smuggled into every capital city except for that of Almia and the Sevii Islands, and set off, killing millions. The Galactic Coalition thus took control of many countries, waging a campaign to capture the world, and thus shape it in their image.

    John, in the mean time, wanting nothing to do with the war after the battle that claimed his friends’ lives, was thrust yet again into the conflict by his Aunt Lorelei, in order to protect him from a dark secret plaguing both her and the President of the Sevii Islands. His mission, along with his old teacher, is to garner the Johto militia and bring them to the front lines, which are rapidly approaching them…

    Chapter List:
    1.A Timeless Flight
    2.Dusk
    3.Nice Guys Finish Last
    4.Violet City
    5.Don't Pressure Us
    6.Up All Night
    7.The Steel Menace (Coming Christmas)
    8.There is a Storm Coming (Coming Februrary)
    9.The Gang Reuinted (Coming 2013)

    Character Bios (contain MAJOR spoilers- Do not read until after the latest chapter):

        Spoiler:- Character Bios:

    Without any further adieu, I present the first chapter of Nightfall.


    Chapter 1: A Timeless Flight

    And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
    Till touch down brings me round again to find
    I’m not the man they think I am at home
    Oh no no no I’m a rocket man
    Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone


    John Woodward ripped the headphones out of his ears. There was no need to listen to such a depressing, nostalgic song, not when he was on a boat in the middle of the ocean, a foreign continent slowly appearing on the horizon. He and his friends had listened to the song religiously during their final year at school, thinking about what their journeys were going to be like, and if, like in the song, they would get homesick.

    “Heh,” John snorted, look where that got us.

    < Now what did we talk about earlier? > purred a large, pink cat sitting on his lap. She lifted her petite head, straightening our her enhanced whiskers and shaking her head, attempting in vain to get her fur to cover the scar above her red jewel.

    “I’m not being negative, Violet, I’m just reminiscing!” John barked in an almost comical manner.

    < We’ve been over this. No reminiscing. No talk of the past. You see that? > the Espeon motioned to the blood-red sky and pillars of smoke that appeared in the distance. The sun was just beginning to set.

    John nodded.

    “We’re here because of that. Our mission is to prevent that from happening again, whatever way we can. Too many people are suffering right now. There will be a time to grieve, but it is not now, > she pleaded with him.

    Again, John nodded. He had accepted the job grudgingly, yes, but he did feel a certain aura of patriotism in doing it. It was easy enough: follow Mr. Jordan around, garner some troops, bring them to the battle lines, and then leave. Maybe meet some people, catch some Pokémon, and avoid the draft. That was the most important thing.

    And maybe after that was all done, the war would be over.

    Maybe.

    “They say we should be arriving within the hour,” an adult, somewhat comforting voice explained.

    It was Richard Jordan, one-time teacher and gym leader, now a mentor. The man had his hand on the boy’s shoulder, as if both to restrain him and to reassure him. The steadily appearing coastline, coupled with the smoke and the sky, made for a very eerie ambiance. The trees in Johto were half barren, the other half clad in the numerous colors of fall. It didn’t help that the temperature was also steadily decreasing.

    “That’s good,” John muttered, “I can’t wait to get off this boat. I’m ready to see the region.”

    Richard sighed, but agreed. He took his hand off of John’s shoulder and used it to open a Pokéball. After a brief flash of red light, a small bug Pokémon appeared perched on the man’s neck.

    “Dude, I’ve been seeing that Pokémon for a week now, and I still can’t get used to how creepy it is,” John chuckled. Violet agreed.

    “Well you better get used to it, Spinarak are native to Johto.” He paused and reached into his man purse, feeding the Pokémon a bit of food. It opened its mouth, revealing its venom-filled fangs, and began to eat. John cringed at the thought of those teeth biting into anything.

    < And those nasty, hairy legs are pretty gross too, > Violet chimed in.

    “Hey, Legs is cute!” Richard barked.

    “You named it LEGS?” John cackled in laughter. Even Violet let out an uncontrollable giggle.

    < You’ve had all week to think of a damn nickname and you came up with that? > The Spinarak grunted, < If I wanted a cheap nickname I would have asked junior over there, > it finished, pointing one of its green legs at John.

    “I’m sorry, how old are you pal?” John asked, clenching his fists.

    < Seventeen years and nine months, and that’s pretty old for a Pokémon that is usually eaten by Noctowl, > the Pokémon reasoned.

    “Fair enough,” John paused, and looked at the tall man by his side. His hair was cut short and spiked. His hair, coupled with his aviator sunglasses he wore, screamed lady’s man. Just as he did when he was teacher, he wore obscene amounts of cologne, and always the best clothes: 100-dollar jeans from Abercrombie, only the finest shirts from Hollister. Since when was it possible for a guy to spend 100 dollars on jeans?

    “Mr. Jordan…er, Rich, what are we doing when we get there?” John asked, his heartbeat immediately speeding up.

    “We’re meeting with Professor Elm. He’s the de facto mayor of New Bark town, as the real one was murdered a few days ago. He’s going to assemble what trainers and supplies they have, so that we can call upon them to join us,” Rich explained, keeping his posture stoic at first, but relaxing it after he noticed the concerned look on John’s face.

    “What if they don’t come with us?” John asked genuinely.

    Rich sighed, taking his sunglasses off and looking the boy in the eyes. “Bud, they don’t really have a choice. The President of Johto has issued a mandatory draft of all able-bodied and Pokémon-equipped trainers. We can’t force anyone do anything, but their mayor or gym leader can.”

    “And will their mayors or gym leaders come with us?” John asked. He really should have been informed of the command structure before he had accepted.

    “In some cases yes, others no. We’ll have to see. This is militia, so that means if they choose to come with us, they are under our control. We can’t make them come though, only their local politician can. Does that make sense?” the man asked in a calm tone.

    “Oh yeah, I get it. I just don’t see anyone realistically listening to a sixteen-year-old,” the boy muttered, stroking Violet’s fur.

    “You’re impossible,” Richard sighed, “These times, son, are like nothing anyone has ever seen. People are desperate for a leader, and for hope. Our job, in its most basic form, is to provide that hope, and channel it into aggression.”

    “I understand. Reminds me of when we learned about the militia in the Revolutionary War,” John muttered.

    A faint smile appeared on his former teacher’s face, “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A few hours later, the ferry had unloaded, pulling up to an abandoned, decaying dock right on the border with Kanto. The majority of the passengers had gotten off, a few military personnel heading north, some enthusiasts trying to capture Pokémon, and government officials conducting official business. They however, remained, in the bottom level of the ship, hidden in an elongated storage room.

    In order to not attract attention from potential spies, John, the youngest person on board, was to be smuggled out of the ship at dusk, when the town’s curfew was to be enforced. They would make their way to Elm’s laboratory through the forest, which was only a half-mile due west of their current position. What they would do from there, and how they would garner those that they needed from the town, was a mystery to John.

    Espeon, for the first time in nearly three months, was in her Pokéball, as her presence would jeopardize his cover.

    “Here, throw this on,” Rich muttered, tossing him a long, brown robe.

    “You’re ****ing with me right?” John laughed as he unfolded the behemoth, complete with a hood and robe, belt tied around the waste.

    “Nope. I’ll be wearing one too. From far away, people will just think we’re monks from Sprout Tower,” the man said, annoyed.

    John chuckled to himself trying in vain to mask his laughter. “You really think this is going to work? Rich are you high?”

    “Shut up! I know what I’m doing, your Aunt Lorelei put me in charge, remember?” he snapped back, his brow pointed in anger.

    Grumbling, John poked his head through the robe, adjusting the hood and the belt to make it look less ridiculous. The monstrosity was literally just a brown piece of cloth with large sleeves, a hood, and a black cincture. Rich motioned for him to pull up his hood.

    He rolled his eyes and complied, flinging his hood over his head as well.

    Yeah, because that didn’t look completely ridiculous.

    The two walked up the stairs to the main level, taking care not to step on their robes, grabbing the rusted iron railings for dear life. Neither one of them wanted to trip and fall on the hard, concrete steps nor embarrass themselves in front of the other.

    After their upstairs trek, the two walked into the kitchen as another obstacle that threaten to overcome them presented itself: freshly waxed floors. Grabbing onto whatever they could find - metal shelves full of food and utensils - they slipped and slid their way to the opposite side. When they finally reached the safety of the doormat, the two looked back on the myriad of forks, knives, and bread that was now scattered on the floor.

    “I feel bad leaving it like that,” John remarked as Rich opened the door to the deck. The teacher just ignored him.

    Clad in their robes, the two continued across the deck to the exit ramp, maintaining a steady pace as they disembarked onto the wharf and cut through the forest before them.

    After they had entered into the forest on a thin, beaten path, Rich began talking again.

    “It’s beautiful,” he said, breathing deeply, “So tranquil and quiet. Coming here… it’s something different. It’s like coming home after a long trip…”

    He was right about one thing: it was beautiful. The many trees formed a colorful canopy that towered over them, housing Pokémon that whistled or called in the breeze. That same breeze knocked a red, orange, or purple leaf down every so often, each floating effortlessly to the ground below. Occasionally one would cross paths with the puff of John’s breath - the weather was cold, and the teenager took great excitement in “creating clouds.”

    “I agree,” the boy said.

    They continued through the forest, pausing only to ensure they did not shuffle too much through the decaying leaves on the dirt path below them. Finally, when it seemed as if they had followed an endless path in circles, a clearing began to manifest through the trees. It was their destination - a back entrance to Professor Elm’s prestigious lab.

    Just a few moments more and they arrived at a bleak, unimpressive steel door in the back of the massive lab. Richard knocked, at first his gingerly, his appeal to enter barely audible at first. After being accosted by John, he knocked louder, finally getting a response. There was a stirring behind the door, and eventually a middle-aged man peaked through the cracked opening.

    “Whatever it is you’re selling, no thank you,” the professor very gently said, attempting to close the door.

    “Wait professor, it’s me, Richard Jordan!” Rich yelled as the door nearly closed.

    “Who?” asked the professor from the black abyss between the door and frame.

    “From the Sevii Islands,” Rich whispered.

    John rolled his eyes, “It’s cold, can we skip the formalities and can you just let us in?”

    “Hush,” Rich nudged him in the stomach, “the boy who just spoke was John. He was the boy who encountered Deoxys,” he emphasized.

    “Ah yes! Give me one second while I undo this lock!” Elm said, briefly closing the door and fidgeting with the lock.

    “Finally!” John yelled obnoxiously as he plowed through the door and past Elm. “Can I take this stupid thing off now?” he asked.

    “There’s a changing room down the hall to the left,” Elm pointed to the first door down the white corridor.

    No sooner did Elm point out the proper room, did John dash towards it, yanking the brown robe and rope off before he even got to the room.

    “Eager boy, that one,” the red-haired professor said, as he briefly adjusted his glasses and fixed his lab coat. “Come, sit,” he motioned at Rich.

    “Thank you sir” Rich said, plopping himself down on the grey couch. They were in a lobby type area, grey and plaid furniture configured around a sleek, glass table. The walls around them were steel, beautified only slightly by the occasional hanging picture or award.

    Down the hall led to the main gathering room, from which a great volume of noise emanated. Rich guessed that was where the professor had gathered the militia.

    “Lets get down to business, shall we?” the medium-sized man sat down next to him, opening a binder. Jordan nodded in approval.

    “As you can see here, I have managed to gather fifty-five trainers, most of whom were stranded here or refugees when Blackthorn was nuked. The remainder are those who came of age recently but have been unable to leave due to the suspension of the Pokémon League,” he explained.

    “Continue,” the former teacher said, motioning to the binder.

    “I scattered the times in which I told them to come, that way, if anyone is watching, they won’t know what’s going on,” the man paused, “You should be wary of that. In this day and age, people are desperate. There are spies everywhere.”

    “That’s why we waited for the cover of nightfall to come,” Rich interjected.

    “Good. Now, there is one more thing,” the Professor trailed off nervously, “I won’t be going with you. My place is here, with my people. Therefore, these militia will be directly under your control.”

    “I’m rather unsettled with that, I’m not going to lie,” Rich started, “but I suppose I can handle fifty or so trainers. The other major towns will have leaders that can take control of their men.”

    “I hope,” he whispered, under his breath. “Shall we?” he motioned toward the hall, as the two rose, ready to face the masses.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After he relieved himself, John changed into much more practical clothes: jeans, a grey hoodie, and the Blackthorn College hat his dad gave to him. He hooked his Pokébelt around his waist - he still hadn’t gotten used to how light it had become - and pressed Violet’s Pokéball.

    <Finally!> she exclaimed, <It’s so squished in there!>

    “Sorry,” John said shortly, “Jordan made me…”

    <Not your fault,> she winked. <What’s going on?>

    “Jordan and I are here to pick up the New Bark militia,” he briefly explained, as he led them out the door and down the corridor. He was searching for something.

    <Where’s here?> she paused, <and what in God’s name are you up to?> she asked incredulously.

    Absentminded, John began to open up doors, unsatisfied each time with the contents of the room. “Here is Elm’s lab, where the recruits are gathered. And here…” he paused, pointing to the “No admittance” sign, “is what I’m looking for.”

    The mischievous boy attempted to enter the locked room, fumbling with a paper clip to open the door, to no avail.

    <Don’t hurt yourself> Violet rolled her eyes, the red jewel in between them briefly lighting up, and the door promptly swaying open.

    “You couldn’t have done that before?” John moaned.

    <Nah, I like to watch you squirm,> she winked.

    They slowly entered the room, John first, and then Violet. For once, John had learned to be cautious of a potential alarm, as the boy took great care in turning on the lights and in minding what he touched. As the lights flickered to life, so did the interior of the room. In the middle sat a large, marble table, which looked much like an altar, on which three Pokéballs sat. The remainder of the room was full of shelves and drawers, which obviously contained a myriad of torturous, sleep-inducing documents. As they slowly trotted along the maze of filing cabinets, Violet began to realize their purpose in the room.

    <You can’t steal a Pokémon, John. You’d be just like Galactic.>

    “I’m not, I just want to see what the other starters look like. Maybe Elm will even give me one,” he muttered, picking up a Pokéball, bouncing it a few times, and releasing the Pokémon inside.

    With a flash of light emerged a tiny blue crocodile, which for the most part looked benign. When the little beast smiled however, it displayed a sharp set of teeth. Its claws seemed a tad underdeveloped, and on the whole, the Pokémon was just a baby.

    <Are you out of your ****ing mind? Do you know how much starter Pokémon cost? Especially Totodile.>

    “So that’s your species, huh little guy?” John asked in a mock-baby voice, ignoring Violet.

    <Please, you’re going to make me gag, > Violet muttered.

    <Dile!> the Totodile smiled in agreement, but backed up as John extended his hand.

    “Hey there pal, don’t be shy,” he reached in his bag, “I have a bad of Doritos, would you like one?” he asked.

    <John, that creature is a baby! Are you crazy?> Violet yelled at him.

    “Lighten up, have you seen its ****ing teeth? It could eat you and be fine,” John laughed, giving the Pokémon a chip. Again, Violet rolled her eyes.

    <****!> the little Totodile smiled as it ate the chip.

    Violet, stunned, turned towards John, who was equally stunned.

    <Did it just say…?> Violet trailed off.

    “****,” John cursed.

    <****!> The Totodile smiled again, pointing to the chips as if it were asking for some.

    Panicking, John returned the creature to its Pokéball, and grabbed Violet from off the marble table.

    “We have to get out of here!” he said, dropping the Pokéball on the edge of the table, not noticing its precarious perch. The two ran out, slamming the door behind them. The slam was just enough force for the Pokéball to fall on the ground, releasing the Totodile.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The boy quickly eased his way through the crowds of people towards the center, standing triumphantly next to Jordan as if he had always been there. Despite the mean-spirited look from the man, he folded his arms, and looked around. Fifty or so trainers, from ages twelve to probably thirty stood around them, everyone nervous. As Rich and Elm continued to talk, and it was mostly talk about war, death, duty, and all of that GI Joe crap, these expressions only grew. It was here that John realized what they were doing. This wasn’t a rescue mission or a revolution or anything like that, it was a suicide trip. They were leading these men and boys towards an enemy with stronger Pokémon, better numbers, and more advanced technology. They were leading them into the wild, routes that were otherwise shut down due to civil unrest. At this point, John couldn’t help but feel a heavy, tight knot in his stomach.

    <Don’t worry, we’ll get through this okay,> Violet soothed. He patted her on the head and faked a smile.

    “So do you have anything to add, young man?” the old Professor asked abruptly.

    Caught off guard, John’s heart began to kick into overdrive. He did have a few comments prepared, mostly to tell his story and justify his presence, but all of that was out the window now.

    “Sure,” he stammered, “I’m John. I’m Rich’s assistant, and your superior. Yes, I’m young, not much older than some of you. I may only be sixteen, but I have a lot of experience in dealing with our enemy. I won’t…” he trailed off in sheer terror, as the little blue monster he had encountered early appeared in front of him.

    <Up! ****!> it demanded, its hands outstretched. Frozen in fear, John slowly gave the Pokémon a chip from his bag. He lifted the beast into his arms. Totodile was uncomfortable though, and climbed onto his shoulder.

    “Well I’ll be damned, that looks like one of my Pokémon,” the Professor’s face was beat red. “Explain yourself!”

    “C-Certainly,” John balked, “You see I wanted to see what the other Johto starters looked like, and so I went into the room with them, and this Totodile and I, well, we bonded sir,” he explained. The rest of the room laughed.

    “And why is it cursing?” a slightly less tense Elm chuckled.

    “That’s an…er… long story,” John shrugged.

    The Professor, much to everyone’s surprise, laughed. “Hell, I have no use for the little monster. You can keep him. Heck, I have two more Pokémon. Why don’t you take one off my hands Rich? Give the one you don’t want as a reward or something to these fine young gentlemen.”

    Gleeful, John looked at his new Pokémon, perched on his shoulder, “boy do I have a nickname for you,” he said.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In a room with three dead bodies, you think there would be more of a sense of urgency. The two perpetrators, however, didn’t seem to be fazed at what they had just done. Scott Cyrus, and his superior, were ruthless.

    The industrially lit room was windowless, housing a large conference table, many leather chairs, and a flat screen TV. The room was the epitome of carnage, blood everywhere, the three dead bodies strewn about, killed abruptly, some sitting, one standing.

    “Congratulations ma’am, it seems that you’re in charge of the most expansive empire since the Kantoians,” Scott smiled, holstering his gun. The woman did the same.

    “Get security in here to clean up this mess. And have them ready my office. I want these incompetent fools framed as the traitors who led to the failure of the Sevii Campaign,” she ordered, Scott responding right away. He called out his starter, Flareon, for company as he left the room.

    Insuring that the door was shut, the woman pulled out her cell phone, placing a small red appendage into his charging dock. She dialed a number, and impatiently waited for someone to answer on the other line.

    “Hannah?” she asked, this time in a much nicer and approachable voice. “How are they doing?”

    A ghostly, shell shocked voice was heard in the background. “This place is pretty rough on them. Cold and death everywhere you look. We aren’t getting very many to join us either.”

    “That’s alright, you guys are right outside Eterna City, right?” the woman asked, again in a fake nice voice.

    “That’s right. Mike and Lindsey are searching the city right now as we speak for recruits,” Hannah explained.

    “Good, very good,” the woman eerily whispered, “now remember your instructions. Keep a close eye on those two. And make sure that you get them and the militia to the spot we talked about before. I’ll be in touch,” she finished, closing the phone.

    She took one last look at the last person she killed, as he lay strewn in the chair at the head of the table. He had a neat bullet wound in his head, which had spread blood down his face profusely.

    “Giovanni, you’re pathetic,” she sneered, and left the room.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A few hours later

    It was like a scene from a western film: a few, young men, all sitting around a dim, dying campfire, huddled close for warmth. An older, seasoned gentleman was playing soft, calm music on a harmonica, much to the pleasure of the Pokémon around him. Most of the camp was already asleep, for they knew they had a long day of traveling ahead of them. At this point, only an intimidated John, a quiet Jordan, an old man, and his presumed grandson were awake.

    In John’s arms, sleeping, was his newly acquired Totodile, and by his side was a very tired Violet. It must have been nearly one o clock in the morning.

    “I still can’t believe you were able to convince Elm to give you that Pokémon,” Rich chuckled.

    “Hey, I was able to get you that Chikorita, and Cyndaquil, for that matter. What did you end up doing with Cyndaquil, by the way?” he asked.

    “It was dinner. I made it use its fire type to cook itself.”

    “Not funny.”

    “I thought it was. But in all seriousness, I gave it to Anthony over there,” he explained, motioning to the old man sitting across from him. He sat on a fallen log, his brown boots matching its color. He had wrinkled skin and his hair was grey - and he had many scars. One such scar lay right under his eye, causing the whole region to be inflamed. He smiled, and tied his scraggly hair into a manly ponytail, and laid back.

    “All appreciation for that, good sir,” he said, tipping an imaginary hat. “But I gave it to my grandson, Gabriel.”

    “Gabe, for short,” the boy interjected. The boy was of medium frame in both height and weight, wearing a red blanket with sleeves, his blonde hair covered by a Blackthorn College cap.

    “Gabe, Gabriel, same thing,” Anthony said in a thick drawl, “point is, I gave you the damn fire raccoon thing. It compliments yer other Pokémon nicely.”

    “What others do you have?” John asked, timidly.

    “Six others,” responded the other boy, in a fake nonchalance in order to appear cool, “Five of them are back in Unova, and my starter Pokémon, Emolga, is the only one I have with me.”

    “So you’re from the new region, the one that was just incorporated?” John asked earnestly.

    “Yup. Made it to the top sixteen…” he trailed off, “I lost of course. My grandfather and I made it to Johto just days before the bombs went off. We were making provisions to compete in the league when we got word of the attack. After it was determined the radiation wouldn’t make it down here, we were forced to stay in what was deemed a ‘safe zone,’” he finished.

    “Deep stuff,” John paused.

    “What’s your story?” Gabe asked.

    “I’m from the Sevii Islands. I competed in the league there despite an explosion that took out one of our islands, and a Pokémon named Deoxys was released. I set out in a group of five…” he trailed off, “but we broke up on the shores of Seven Island. It wasn’t soon after, that the war consumed us. It broke up the league match I was in, and ended up leading to the death of two of my friends. We were the teenagers that killed Cyrus. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to end this dreadful war. And that’s why I’m here… I have unfinished business,” he finished.

    Anthony, slightly taken aback, motioned for Gabe to show off his Pokémon.

    “Oh right, here we are,” he said. In a red flash of light that illuminated the cloudy nighttime sky appeared an Emolga. Its underbelly and face were primarily white, save for two yellow dimples. Its back and pointed tail was black, and its yellow wings seemed to connect its petite arms together. It was overall a cute looking Pokémon, but with some obvious power.

    “Very nice. Always a pleasure to see a new Pokémon.” A slightly less somber John smiled in approval.

    “Yes, indeed. But if you don’t mind, I best be heading off to bed. Our fearless leader has us getting up at the crack of dawn,” Anthony gave a brief, half salute, and waddled off to his tent.

    “I should go to bed too, I’m a total douche when I’m tired,” John laughed, motioning to Rich and Gabe to get up. They were all sleeping in the “control room” tent.

    “Come on, Bilbo,” he whispered to his Totodile as they walked to the tent. He smiled at Violet, who trotted gingerly beside him.

    “We’re finally going to get to travel again,” he said through an immeasurable grin.

    <Yeah... at dawn though. Not looking forward to that.>

    To be continued...
    Last edited by Manaphyman; 29th October 2012 at 3:51 PM.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

    Chapter 6: Up All Night Current Status- First Draft in Progress.
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  2. #2
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    Chapter 1

    I'm going to have to leave a shortish review because of timings, but before I ompletely dispear for the night... I really appreciated the overview of what happened because it made this read extremely helpful concerning all your main plot points I think. While mentioning plot, it seems as ifin the last book you really did structure and form a well rounded storey, and this is what it seems you've done here from the beginning by jumping straight in and having everything flowing (mostly down to your writing style)

    Grammar and spelling wise wasn't an issue, everything seemed great in those respects so no problem, however, I did notice that in 2 places you used the wrong word or the sentence didn't quite explain it in a 'dictionary' way, but althoug there was that it didn't detract from the storey which is pretty impressive.

    can't wait to read more

    ~harryheart

    Most Recent Chapter - Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me - Posted 26/01/13
    Credits to Sweet May and DanChimchar

    I will pursue You, I will pursue Your presence

  3. #3
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    I cant believe I was able to keep up an "appointment". I havent a habit of doing that.
    It's good to get more responsible.

    Nyway... :P

    I forgot how to review properly, havent read a fanfiction since Sevii's last chapter. So forgive me for the toned down review.

    First, I must complement you on your pacing. I, for one, cant imagine how hard it would have been for me to write, for example, the sneaking out of the boat, but you made it very enjoyable, and soon established what kind of interaction John and Rich have. And that is another thing, the cast. Very refreshing to see one boy and one adult, and their relationship, like I just said, makes reading this so easy, I just eat up the dialogue. John and Violet's dialog has also improved tremendously. Lately, Their dialogue was mostly John being a depressed kid or a traumatized victim of war and Violet being the older advisor or just a no fun pain in the neck.

    Bilbo, the most unexpected starter I expected John to pick (he just screams Cyndaquil, but I am very glad you chose Totodile for many more reasons than one,) is also what, Im sure, is gonna be my main attraction to this fic in the next few chapters time. Its introductory scene and its personality so far are all priceless, in fact Bilbo made this chapter for me. And by the way, does Bilbo scream out F--- or Sh--? Im pretty sure its the F word since Violet used it immediately before, which was also a nice surprise (seeing what was a stick in the mud relax and obtain what I now believe are some of John's traits, great subtleness there, Im very impressed.)

    The plot was very nicely introduced, the info before the chapter even helped me jog back my memory, and really shows how much you learnt in storytelling. Making a wrong step by telling too much or too little was easy in this chapter, but you held off just the right amount. Nicely done, again.

    Well, this is getting long and kinda all over the place, so I'll just end here as what Im sure you by now know is a very satisfied reader.

    Looking forward for chapter 2.

  4. #4
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    Nice work. Like HarryHeart, I apriciated the introduction explaining what had happened as I didn't read the first story. You probably already know, but you have quite an easy to read style of writing and the content was good too - I can see why you were in the fan fction awards. The comedy features where origanal and quite hilarius. I didn't really see ant problems, except for you could of done witha tiny bit more editing through. I spotted a forgotten capital and a wrong speech thing for Violet,

    I actually found the idea of the pokemon talking to humans strange, although what they said was cool and greatly charcterised. Overall, an excellent piece, it shows me that I'm no where near good enough to get into te fan fction awards. It made a refreshing change from some of the stuff younger reader pt on without Reading a by of the advice or rules.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  5. #5
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    Yay! Three reviews! Time to thank and reply:

    Harryheart:
    Chapter 1

    I'm going to have to leave a shortish review because of timings, but before I completely dispear for the night... I really appreciated the overview of what happened because it made this read extremely helpful concerning all your main plot points I think. While mentioning plot, it seems as ifin the last book you really did structure and form a well rounded storey, and this is what it seems you've done here from the beginning by jumping straight in and having everything flowing (mostly down to your writing style)
    Thank you for being the first review, I was starting to get scared that I would get no one. I'm glad you liked the summary at the beginning, I figured it would be helpful to all those who were unable to make it through the first installment. (And to get new readers.) Also glad you liked the plot!

    Grammar and spelling wise wasn't an issue, everything seemed great in those respects so no problem, however, I did notice that in 2 places you used the wrong word or the sentence didn't quite explain it in a 'dictionary' way, but althoug there was that it didn't detract from the storey which is pretty impressive.
    Yeah, BA really helped with the beta. I also tried to check it after, just in case. I still missed a bunch, but I'll get better. Thanks for the review!

    Nie: On time! You're the man.

    First, I must complement you on your pacing. I, for one, cant imagine how hard it would have been for me to write, for example, the sneaking out of the boat, but you made it very enjoyable, and soon established what kind of interaction John and Rich have. And that is another thing, the cast. Very refreshing to see one boy and one adult, and their relationship, like I just said, makes reading this so easy, I just eat up the dialogue. John and Violet's dialog has also improved tremendously. Lately, Their dialogue was mostly John being a depressed kid or a traumatized victim of war and Violet being the older advisor or just a no fun pain in the neck.
    Thank you! It was hard to figure out, in fact this chapter went through nearly seven rewrites before I was completely satisfied with it. I'm glad you like Rich and John's interaction, again it was something I worked on for a while. I was telling SV the other day, I really like this cast. Its interesting to work on the dynamic between Rich and John, or Scott and the mystery character. I will say that Gabe and Anthony are also fun to work with.

    Getting Violet's character to move from adult/consoler to a mature Pokemon with a little bit of a temper. (and other traits, that will be seen)

    Bilbo, the most unexpected starter I expected John to pick (he just screams Cyndaquil, but I am very glad you chose Totodile for many more reasons than one,) is also what, Im sure, is gonna be my main attraction to this fic in the next few chapters time. Its introductory scene and its personality so far are all priceless, in fact Bilbo made this chapter for me. And by the way, does Bilbo scream out F--- or Sh--? Im pretty sure its the F word since Violet used it immediately before, which was also a nice surprise (seeing what was a stick in the mud relax and obtain what I now believe are some of John's traits, great subtleness there, Im very impressed.)
    And I really wanted to give him Cyndaquil too, but I just couldn't. Not with Mike having one, and it being my starter in Soul Silver. I love how Bilbo has turned out, I hope everyone else will too! He first said f---, and then repeated John's saying of s---.

    The plot was very nicely introduced, the info before the chapter even helped me jog back my memory, and really shows how much you learnt in storytelling. Making a wrong step by telling too much or too little was easy in this chapter, but you held off just the right amount. Nicely done, again.

    Well, this is getting long and kinda all over the place, so I'll just end here as what Im sure you by now know is a very satisfied reader.
    Glad you liked it! Like I said, it was really hard to get exactly what I wanted, so your seal of approval is very gratifying. Thanks again for the read and the review, and of course your nice comments. Hope I continue to impress!

    Ninja: A new face! Welcome! I'm always happy to have another reader, and your comments were much appreciated.

    Nice work. Like HarryHeart, I apriciated the introduction explaining what had happened as I didn't read the first story. You probably already know, but you have quite an easy to read style of writing and the content was good too - I can see why you were in the fan fction awards. The comedy features where origanal and quite hilarius. I didn't really see ant problems, except for you could of done witha tiny bit more editing through. I spotted a forgotten capital and a wrong speech thing for Violet,
    Thanks! I was a bit nervous regarding the intro, I'm glad it helped. My style of writing is sometimes criticized for being two simple, so I'm glad you like it. :] Glad the jokes/comedy was good, I tried my best for this to be both lighthearted and serious in some respects.

    I actually found the idea of the pokemon talking to humans strange, although what they said was cool and greatly charcterised. Overall, an excellent piece, it shows me that I'm no where near good enough to get into te fan fction awards. It made a refreshing change from some of the stuff younger reader pt on without Reading a by of the advice or rules.
    As did I, when I first started writing. I found though, that it is an excuse to give the Pokes personalities, and allow them to have more of a role in the story. As you will see with Bilbo, John will teach him to speak. (Also, their speech just sounds like it would in the anime to the trainer if they haven't bonded with them.) I'm sure your writing is fine, can you VM me with a link? I'll drop by maybe. If you think my writing is good, you should see some others...

    Thank you, and everyone for your nice and helpful comments!

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  6. #6
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    Cool Hi, hi!

    Now that I'm less distracted than I've been all week, I can hopefully give an adequate reply!

    And so the Night falls... and a new adventure begins.

    You have an interesting premise with Nightfall. Something of a journey fic mixed with a Biblical Exodus theme. At least so it seems on the outset. I wonder how you're going to turn it around this time.

    Before I go on with the good stuff, let me get the cons out of the way.

    complete with a hood and robe, belt tied around the waste.
    Other than the Return of the dreaded Homonyms, it was pretty much grammar error free. But there were some things I'd have to advise you against on the outset:

    #1, although the recap was much appreciated, the character bios should in my opinion be expounded upon in the chapter. I found out that Dropping bios early in the fanfic (as in, at the beginning) serves to be detrimental, no matter how much is revealed. It kinda kills the fun in reading.

    #2, some occurrences, like the arrival at Elm's lab, for one, felt choppy. It felt like something you just felt had to happen for happening's sake. Maybe interjecting a bit of (self-)dialogue or action by the character to denote the happening, like a brief exchange of glances or night sounds would have made the scene stand out a bit more.

    #3, some things were left slightly obscure, like here:

    “It was dinner. I made it use its fire type to cook itself.”
    Its fire type what? I know I sound nit-picky here, but I should think there are more ways than one to cook a Fire type (shudders at the thought).

    On the plus side, the characters seem nicely fleshed out and the bonds some of them share (like John and Violet, as mentioned earlier) has been shown to deepen remarkably. Bilbo is a riot though.

    This looks like an interesting fic to follow. Bit of a rough start in my opinion, but it could be a lot worse.

    L@er!
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Now that I'm less distracted than I've been all week, I can hopefully give an adequate reply!

    And so the Night falls... and a new adventure begins.

    You have an interesting premise with Nightfall. Something of a journey fic mixed with a Biblical Exodus theme. At least so it seems on the outset. I wonder how you're going to turn it around this time.

    Before I go on with the good stuff, let me get the cons out of the way.
    Yay! You're back! Always nice to receive a review from you, AD. Much appreciated.

    That premise (Journey/Exodus theme) was pretty much what I was going for. The Exodus part was really fleshed out after my first semester at college, when we studied the Bible in depth. I'm hoping that it works out- its hard to balance the seriousness of a war fic and a happy-go-lucky trainer fic. We'll see if it works out...

    Other than the Return of the dreaded Homonyms, it was pretty much grammar error free. But there were some things I'd have to advise you against on the outset:

    #1, although the recap was much appreciated, the character bios should in my opinion be expounded upon in the chapter. I found out that Dropping bios early in the fanfic (as in, at the beginning) serves to be detrimental, no matter how much is revealed. It kinda kills the fun in reading.

    #2, some occurrences, like the arrival at Elm's lab, for one, felt choppy. It felt like something you just felt had to happen for happening's sake. Maybe interjecting a bit of (self-)dialogue or action by the character to denote the happening, like a brief exchange of glances or night sounds would have made the scene stand out a bit more.

    #3, some things were left slightly obscure, like here:



    Its fire type what? I know I sound nit-picky here, but I should think there are more ways than one to cook a Fire type (shudders at the thought).
    BA did a good job beta-ing. I tried to look for those damn homonyms, but you know me...

    #1: Yeah, I was really on the fence on what to do with the bios. Would a disclaimer work, or are you suggesting moving them to a future post? (And as a result, really fleshing them out with details?) I'm open to either one.

    #2: I was considering that, (adding some of John's/Jordan's/Violet's thoughts) but I ended up shying away from it. I can't remember why, but now I'm regretting it. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to have one of Jordan's Pokemon talk to the pair, or something of that nature? I'll work on that next chapter for sure.

    #3: Now that you mention it, looks kinda awkward. With that though- I meant to say that the Cyndaquil had lit the fire that ended up cooking it. (Which of course, did not happen) Thats not what ended up on the paper though...will work on that next chapter.

    On the plus side, the characters seem nicely fleshed out and the bonds some of them share (like John and Violet, as mentioned earlier) has been shown to deepen remarkably. Bilbo is a riot though.

    This looks like an interesting fic to follow. Bit of a rough start in my opinion, but it could be a lot worse.
    Thank you! That's what I ended up working on the most with this chapter. Hopefully, next chapter I can continue with this.

    Always an honor and a pleasure to have you review AD, thanks a lot for the help. I just gotta figure out what to do with those pesky bios...

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

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    Hello everyone! Chapter two has been betaed and is here. Sorry for the delay!


    Nightfall

    Chapter 2: Dusk

    September 22nd, 2008 11:00 PM

    Shaking, the teenage boy pressed the glowing red button. There was only one direction: up. It was unfamiliar to him, having spent years in hiding, deep underground. The popping of his ears as he rapidly ascended the tower was a foreign feeling; the knot in his stomach was not.

    I shouldn’t be here. She told me to say on the ship… he second-guessed himself. I hope she doesn’t shoot the messenger…

    The musky elevator slowed, eventually stopping. A low beep signaled the opening of the doors.

    The boy emerged into the cold unknown, blackness surrounding him. The lights were all out, save for a dimly lit lamp that cast light on a large chair and desk in the distance. The only remaining lights were from the outside of the city, the other skyscrapers looming in the distance. Clumsily, he grabbed a railing and began navigating the narrow walkway.

    As he made it closer, a frail body spun the chair around, and made it’s presence known. She was wearing a dark colored, royal robe, her hood obscuring most of her head. All that was visible was an aging, wrinkled mouth, and her villainous hands emerging from her robe.

    “I thought I told you to remain at the Command Outpost,” she barked, annoyed.

    “I’m sorry, my Lady, but it’s urgent,” Scott stammered, his hands clutched on a Pokéball just in case.

    “Go on…” she said, raising her hand condescendingly.

    “We’ve received word that the Johto army is beginning to draft civilians-” he started.

    “What concern is that to us?” she interjected.

    “Johto has a population of over one hundred million, Empress, and nearly forty-five percent of that number is of fighting age,” he justified calmly. Talking back to her would only make it worse.

    “I don’t think we need to be worried about ten year olds and their Hoothoot,” she snarled.

    “Desolous thought it was important,” he offered weakly.

    “Very well. The both of you, take care of it,” she ordered, swinging her chair around.

    “...how, my Lady?” he asked again, meekly.

    “I don’t care what you do! Fly a plane into a building, blow up a car, set something on fire... just show them who’s in charge,” she yelled.

    Time to go, he thought.

    “Yes- yes ma’am!” he half saluted, speed walking to the elevator.

    He didn’t even have time to ask her what she had done with John.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    September 23rd, 2008

    It was, thankfully, much warmer today than it was yesterday. Changing out of his Lord of the Rings pajama pants, he put on tan cargo shorts and a grey Blackthorn College t-shirt without being cold.

    I could certainly get used to this, he thought, a spring in his step. He quickly shaped his medium-length black hair before giving up and throwing on a hat instead. John was feeling particularly lazy today.

    As he snapped on his Pokémon belt, he admired himself in the mirror briefly. His slender body had developed - albeit slightly - since the last time he checked. The beginnings of muscles were now taking shape on his arms and body, perhaps from the traveling.

    <You are so full of yourself it makes me sick,> Violet joked as she began to stretch.

    “Hey! I was just checking out the guns,” John said, startled. He raised his arms and kissed each of them egotistically. Violet rolled her eyes.

    “Good morning, beautiful,” he winked.

    <Don’t try to sweet talk me.>

    “It was worth a shot,” he shrugged.

    Ignoring him, the Espeon continued to berate the boy: <Bilbo has more muscles then you do. And no matter how strong you end up getting, you can still count on me kicking your *** without even lifting a finger.> She smiled.

    “What an unfair fight…” John started to mutter, but was then interrupted.

    <I wonder what a Psychic attack would feel like if it hit you in the crotch…> she said, faking innocence.

    “You wouldn’t!”

    <Only if you get out of line,> she laughed.

    He chuckled, picking her up off his tiny, makeshift bed.

    “I love you, Violet,” he said, kissing her furry cheek.

    <I love you too, John,> she purred, licking his cheek in return.

    “You know, SOME people are still sleeping!” yelled a tired Gabe, his head buried under a red sleeping bag. Ignoring him, John exited the tent with Violet still in his arms. He gently placed her on the ground, and she snuggled up next to him.

    What a gorgeous day, he thought, taking a deep breathe of fresh air.

    The forest was alive, Pokémon scurrying in every direction: birds taking flight, bugs crawling around, and Sentret scurrying about. He remembered Lindsey and her Sentret and became nostalgic.

    It’s only been three weeks. We’ll have time for that later, he reminded himself.

    The sun began to peek out of the trees, warmly caressing his face, as if it was greeting him. The pale blue sky seemed to have conquered the smoke, and the wind was stopped. There was so much activity around them, and yet, all was strangely calm.

    <Maybe we should invite Bilbo to this love fest,> she chuckled.

    “Good idea,” he said, pressing Bilbo’s Pokéball. A loud noise and a flash of red light later appeared the energetic Totodile, dancing about to imaginary music.

    <F—k!> He shouted in excitedly.

    <Well there goes the moment,> Violet laughed.

    John shrugged, embarrassed. He picked up the little Pokémon, who happily embraced him, and attempted to talk to it.

    “Bilbo,” John said, looking deep into the Pokémon’s eager eyes. “Bil-bo,” he pointed at the Totodile, “that’s your name, bud.”

    <Bil…fu-k!> The Pokémon smiled, revealing its various teeth.

    “No, Bilbo. Bil-bo,” John patiently instructed.

    <Bilbo!> He chirped.

    “Yes!” John shouted in triumph, “that’s your name!”

    <Name!> Bilbo cheered.

    “So no more ‘fu-k,’ hopefully,” John smiled, Violet nodding in agreement.

    <No more fu-k!> He cheered again.

    <Nice going. This is getting old, fast,> Violet groaned.

    “Incoming!”

    An instant later, the boy, the Espeon, and a very confused Bilbo were drenched in red, sticky juice. Out of nowhere another balloon of the red slop careened at them, this time, Violet stopping the projectile in mid air and redirecting it to the culprit.

    “Hey!” yelled Gabe, covered in the juice of an Oran berry.

    “That’s what you get for messing with a Psychic Pokémon,” John yelled, wiping his face. The red glop was stuck in nearly ever crevice of his face, in his nose, eyes and ears, the corners of his mouth, even in his eyebrows.

    Through the red veil that appeared over his eyes, he saw the face of his new enemy: Gabe.

    “Here dude,” he said, handing him a towel.

    “F-ck off,” John replied, ripping the towel from Gabe’s hands.

    By now, the majority of the group had congregated to their meeting area. Most were silent - the environment was akin to the first day at a new school: nobody knew each other and everyone was awkward. Drawing a deep breath, John calmed himself, and buried his head in the towel. The berry juice had coagulated into a nasty paste that was nearly impossible to get off.

    “I’m going to the river, gotta wash this sh-t off,” John complained, throwing the towel at Gabe.

    “I’ll join you,” he muttered, cutting his way through the crowd. They fought their way through the awkward, silent people, and walked past the tents.

    “Where ya headed?” a completely dressed and washed Jordan called from outside his tent.

    Both teens ignored the man and made their way downhill to the steam. Quietly, John let the serenades of Pidgey, Starly, and Furret consume him. As a child, he had a sound machine that would mimic the sound of a forest. He always found such an environment soothing, and today was no exception.

    “Wonder what it tastes like,” said Gabe, breaking the silence.

    “Excuse me?” John said, perplexed.

    Gabe pointed to a small, feathered brown bird, which was tearing into a limp green caterpillar. Its beak was covered in drippings and guts, and its wings were ruffled and tattered.

    “Do you just say whatever the hell comes to your mind?” John asked, annoyed.

    “Pretty much. Zero filter,” he said, with a smile.

    Reminds me of Joey… John thought, smiling.

    ------------------------------------------------------
    (Back at camp)

    “Good morning guys,” he said, fiddling with his polo. He tucked it into his kaki pants, already regretting his decision to wear them on such a warm day.

    There was a lose chorus of “good mornings,” and then an awkward silence.

    “I figured I would clear up some rules about camp, namely those regarding social interaction and Pokémon,” he began.

    Social interaction? What am I, a psychologist?

    “Romantic relationships are allowed, but I need to be notified. Friendships are of course encouraged... I’m not going to make you guys take part in any icebreakers or anything stupid like that, but for the love of God, at least speak to each other!”

    That’s better, he thought.

    “Now on to Pokémon. The mandate from the United Alliance is no less than three. So that means, before we get to Goldenrod City at the check point, I’m going to need everyone to have caught three different Pokémon of different species. Pokémon battles are also encouraged, but they need to be after or before travel time, and not after curfew. Does everyone understand?” he explained. There was something about being in a position of power that really made him shine.

    Again there was another lose chorus of “yes” from the crowd before they dispersed. Most were busy making breakfast with the supplies Jordan had given them.

    Fifty gluttonous teenagers with only ‘two days worth’ of food rations, I wonder how long that’ll really last, he snickered.

    “Hurry up everyone! We’re leaving in thirty minutes, we need to resupply and pick up the next batch of troops. They’re waiting for us,” Jordan shouted above the chaos, moving away from the carnage and making his way towards the woods.

    By the end of the day, I’m going to have to deal with almost a hundred and fifty of these idiots, the man silently lamented as he continued to walk away from the group.

    When he was a safe distance from the campsite, by the riverbank, he took out his phone. Nervously, he punched in the numbers, and ensured the line was secure.

    After a few rings, he heard the phone pick up.

    “Yes?” a muffled voice asked.

    “It’s me, I’m just checking in. We’re on our way to Cherrygrove,” he whispered.

    “Cherrygrove? Is that so?” the voice asked.

    “Yes, John included,” he breathed, frantically looking around.

    “Stay away from the front of City Hall between 2:00 and 3:00 pm,” it said, hanging up.

    “Yes, my la-,” he started, but was cut off. His heart was beating rapidly and his palms were sweaty. This was not something he could continue to do. Dissonance was growing in his mind.

    “Son of a *****!” he heard in the distance.

    “Start this off with Water Gun Bilbo!” John’s unmistakable voice yelled.

    Here we go… Jordan dragged his feet toward the direction of the voices.

    Not too far upstream were John and Gabe, battling on a small plateau of grass that gave way to the river. It was very narrow, but since they were both using small Pokémon it wasn’t a problem.

    “Rohan, dodge and use Ember!” Gabe called to the Cyndaquil, who still seemed perplexed at his name. The Cyndaquil was unable to move out of the way, its stumpy legs losing traction on the lose grass, and was hit with a weak torrent of water.

    It was enough to due the Pokémon in, and it fainted in a one hit knock out. Gabe returned the creature, obviously frustrated.

    “Did you train with it at all?” John mocked.

    Gabe didn’t respond, but his dejected look meant, “yes.” By no means was he a novice, but there was a huge type disadvantage.

    He must think I’m a total scrub, he thought.

    “Double or nothing!” Gabe shouted, taking Giallo’s Pokéball from his belt and tossing it into the makeshift arena.

    Violet had already entered onto the field for John, switching places with a triumphant Bilbo, who was busy absorbing all the new words he was hearing.

    “Whoa whoa whoa,” Jordan called, jumping onto the field, “da hell is going on here?”

    “Dickhead Gabe over here saw a Pidgey eating a Caterpie“ John explained, “and so he decided to provoke the bird into attacking a poor defenseless Ratatta!”

    “I was helping with the circle of life!” Gabe shouted back in defiance.

    “Well at least you decided to settle your differences in a battle rather than a fist fight,” Jordan muttered, “Now come on you two, return your Pokémon and let’s get a move on.”

    “Hell no. We’re going to finish this battle,” said Gabe.

    “Gabe put your Emolga away or so help me-“

    “Giallo, Electro Ball!”

    “Violet, Psychic!”

    Jordan scurried to get out of the field, dodging a blast of pink energy and an orb of pulsating electricity. Neither of them made contact with their targets.

    “Shadow Ball!”

    “Acrobatics!”

    Violet’s red jewel glowed intensely as a ball of shadow energy appeared before her. She aimed the ball at the gliding Pokémon, who was jumping around and floating in a near-effortless manner.

    <Gotcha,> she said, locking on and letting the attack loose.

    A few seconds later, Giallo fell from the sky, crashing to the ground after the impact.
    <Alright, that one hurt,> it muttered, waving its hand to form a yellow barrier of light around it.

    “Good move, Giallo; Light Screen will protect you from most of her attacks,” Gabe laughed.

    “Let’s go for something physical then, Vi. Hit it with Take Down!” John shouted.

    Violet began to jog, gaining speed as she locked onto her target, jumping head first into the tiny little Pokémon and pinning it to the ground.

    At first, it appeared as if John had won, but Violet’s legs started to wobble, eventually going limp.

    <I can’t move! I’m paralyzed!> She called out, falling to the ground beside Giallo.

    “Now that’s Giallo’s ability, Static. Paralyzes when physical attacks hit,” Gabe smirked.

    “Finish her with Pursuit,” he smiled.

    “If that thing comes near you, Bite it!” John yelled.

    Giallo cautiously walked towards the crippled Pokémon, bending its tiny knees and spreading its wings. Its cute face became angry, and it readied its charge.

    “Alright, that’s enough!” Jordan yelled, jumping back into the battle scene. He reached into his bag, pulling out medicine for the two Pokémon. “We’ve got ten minutes before we have to be on our way, we haven’t the time for this,” he barked.

    Another body had since joined them, the heavy set, heavily clothed hiker, Anthony.

    “Boy, get over here,” he said sternly, his inflamed eye glistening with anger.

    Gabe returned the newly healed Giallo, and begrudgingly walked towards his grandfather.

    “Boy, I’m sick and tired of your immaturity. You’re going to be fighting in a war. If you don’t respect the Pokémon of this forest, whose side do you think they’ll fight on?”

    No response from Gabe.

    “You too John,” Jordan lectured, “you should know how to control your temper by now.”

    No response from John either.

    “Now come on. You boys better pack up. We aren’t going to wait for you,” Anthony said, tying his hair into a ponytail.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    (Cherrygrove City - 4 hours later)

    He hated everything about this town. It was too small and too quaint. There was no city center, just a Pokémon Center and a Poké Mart in the middle of a scattered cluster of houses. The one redeeming quality, the fact that it was on the water, was offset by the rocky nature of the beach. There was no way that this city could be used as a port; not only did it lack the infrastructure, but the jutting boulders would be more than any water craft could handle.

    Gabe Hale was simply not used to such a quiet atmosphere. There was also something about throwing a few houses together and calling it a “city.” Where he was from - Nimbassa City in Unova - this would be unheard of. He longed for the hustle and bustle of city life, and he missed the beautiful bridges that he had long since taken for granted.

    Instead of sitting on a bench overlooking a magnificent river, he was sitting on a boring stoop, looking at a boring, rocky beach, kicking around an equally boring rock. Anthony knew of his distaste for the place, and still made him and John sit outside to “keep watch.”

    “What exactly are we watching out for?” the boy asked aloud, hoping the other teen would respond despite his ongoing attempts at teaching his Totodile speech.

    “Dunno. Anyone suspicious eyeing the building, cars parked for a long time, people with backpacks… that type,” he reasoned, smiling at Bilbo.

    “You just listed the characteristics of most trainers… and everyone here. It’s freaking city hall!” Gabe laughed off his insecurity.

    “Well this meeting isn’t exactly private, the whole town knows about it. And besides, they didn’t really want us to ‘keep watch’,” he started, equipped with air quotes, “for whatever reason, they don’t want us in there,” he explained.

    “I wonder why though, what are they hiding from us that they’re telling the militia in there?” Gabe asked sincerely.

    Sensing Gabe’s confusion, John attempted to comfort him.

    “Dude, don’t worry. I’ll ask Rich about it later. Right now, focus on the fact that we have to make another one hundred people feel welcome. And we need to travel in semi-secrecy with them. Today has too many worries for us to be thinking about tomorrow,” he comforted, returning Bilbo into his Pokéball.

    <The road to Violet City is going to be interesting-> Violet began, but was cut off.

    “Help, help!” screamed a young woman, running frantically toward them.

    “Not good, let’s get the f-ck out of here,” John said, hastily getting up.

    “I’m game,” Gabe replied.

    No sooner did they turn their backs and start their run towards city hall did they find themselves thrust forward, their backs propelled by searing air and unimaginable force. The sound of steal and rubber igniting nearly broke the sound barrier, mixed only with a loud human screech.

    Battered, but okay, the boys stood up, and even though the world was hazy and bright, they tried to see what just happened.

    They would wish that they hadn’t.

    A twisted heap of metal was in the parking lot close to them. Had it been just a few parking spots closer, a fireball would have replaced the shock wave that threw them to the ground. The woman running had not been so lucky, her body now a charred mess of blood and bones. She was clearly gone; most of her body wasn’t even recognizable.

    Others lay dead around the car bomb, others still were crying out in agony, their screams nearly as deafening as the blast.

    John quickly scanned the perimeter of the parking lot, looking for a perpetrator that was likely long gone. As he looked at the various people running towards the explosion and others in shock, his eyes connected with those of a short, blonde haired boy. He was clad in all grey, a G on his lapel. There was no question that the boy was Scott.

    “Get help!” John yelled to a confused Gabe over the ruckus of sirens and screams, as he took off.

    Immediately, Gabe rushed into the ornate building, both to explain the noise that they obviously heard, and to get help.

    John ran full speed around the wreckage, attempting to catch the misguided teen.

    As if to taunt him, Scott stood for a while, recognizing John and that the boy was rushing towards him. Finally, as John was nearing his target, Scott took off, exhibiting inhuman speed. He ran out of the city center, towards the northern route. If he made it into the forest, there would be no finding him.

    “Stop that boy!” John called to patrons rushing to the scene.

    They looked puzzled and ignored him, instead heading to City Hall.

    “You son of a *****! You’ll pay for this!” John called out as they raced along the sidewalk, the route now in site.

    Scott turned around, stopped, and smiled. He stood stoic, not saying a word, as if he were waiting for John.

    John, taking full advantage of the boy’s stupidity, ran full speed, determined to plow into him. He lowered his shoulder and prepared for impact.

    Impact came in the form of the concrete sidewalk, as John somehow landed hard on his left arm. He lay on the ground, confused. There was no way he could have missed…

    “What are you?” he asked.

    No response.

    “Why did the bomb go off further away from the hall?” John demanded.

    “All I needed to do was to send a message,” the boy smiled, his form quickly vanishing. For a brief moment, the silhouette of a familiar Ghost Pokémon, a Mismagius, appeared. Even though he only got a brief view of it, the hat had given it away.

    <Are you alright. John?> Violet cried, flinging herself on the ground next to him.

    “A little banged up...” he managed to grumble.

    <We need to get you to the hospital!> she demanded, noticing some blood dripping from his shoulder.

    “Bring me to Jordan first,” John mumbled as he attempted to stand.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    150 yards away, Route 30

    The teenager looked at the twenty-five year old next to him, a look of approval on his face.

    “Mission accomplished,” he said.

    “Well done, Scott,” said Desolous.

    To be continued….

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  9. #9
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    Cool Reviews should NOT take this long...

    Hello! Thought I should shoot this off before life goes to hell in a hand basket.

    Chapter two brought some interesting new concepts into play: the Empress, Gabe's psyche and Bilbo learning that cussing is not the way to ask for a Dorito. :P A bit of a shame on the last one... I enjoyed the childish innocence it afforded him. Let's hope he doesn't grow up too fast, eh?

    The Empress scaring the crap outta Scott was also a scene I found more lighthearted than I think you were aiming for. Don't get me wrong: her attitude makes blood run cold, but Scott's fear of her and his responses to that fear occluded it slightly. :P

    Another aspect of the chapter I felt could have been given more edge was Desolous. I feel he could have been kept in a bit more obscure position, his identity revealed at a time and in a manner that might send chills down the old spine. This works too, though. Just not as well in my opinion.

    Now to the grammar aspect of the chapter.

    I shouldn’t be here. She told me to say on the ship
    Stay

    It was enough to due the Pokémon in
    Do

    The sound of steal and rubber igniting nearly broke the sound barrier,
    Steel

    I've noticed that most of your grammatical errors that I tend to find are mostly homonym-centered. I'd advise you and your BETA to keep an eye on them, as they are mostly easy to slip up on.

    Well, that was definitely fun. Keep them rolling, dude!

    L@er!
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Hello! Thought I should shoot this off before life goes to hell in a hand basket.
    Finals week for you too eh? :[

    Quote Originally Posted by AirDragon View Post
    Chapter two brought some interesting new concepts into play: the Empress, Gabe's psyche and Bilbo learning that cussing is not the way to ask for a Dorito. :P A bit of a shame on the last one... I enjoyed the childish innocence it afforded him. Let's hope he doesn't grow up too fast, eh?
    Bilbo? No worries haha. Just because the cursing thing is gone (or is it?) does not mean that I don't have something else up my sleeve. Gabe is a fun character to write, and I really look forward to developing him further.

    Quote Originally Posted by AirDragon View Post
    The Empress scaring the crap outta Scott was also a scene I found more lighthearted than I think you were aiming for. Don't get me wrong: her attitude makes blood run cold, but Scott's fear of her and his responses to that fear occluded it slightly. :P
    Haha well you got me there. I was aiming for a bit more of a serious scene, but I added some of Scott's response to ease the harhsness of the scene a little bit. Ah well...its all about a balance. I'll find that eventually! :] Its nice to write an original, truly evil character as a change from TSIS's Cyrus, who was just an as*. Scott is also fun, as he's just all over the place. He's certainly a confused teen...


    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Another aspect of the chapter I felt could have been given more edge was Desolous. I feel he could have been kept in a bit more obscure position, his identity revealed at a time and in a manner that might send chills down the old spine. This works too, though. Just not as well in my opinion.
    I think you're right. Desolous is an interesting character in the sense that he is actually from a three shot idea that I have. (Summer project?) In the outlines for the story, I really had Desolous fleshed out...but we'll have to do that here in NF too. While his appearance was a bit abrupt, the full extent of Desolous and his evil will be revealed, hopefully in the manner that you wanted. I will certainly try. :]

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    I've noticed that most of your grammatical errors that I tend to find are mostly homonym-centered. I'd advise you and your BETA to keep an eye on them, as they are mostly easy to slip up on.

    Well, that was definitely fun. Keep them rolling, dude!
    Oh yes....my Professors are so frustrated- I'm so bad at catching these mistakes. I will be extra vigilante! Thanks again for the speedy review, always a pleasure.

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  11. #11
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    Okay apparently I didnt comment on this when it started, though for some reason I thought I had.

    Anyways, the first chapter was a great start to the new part in your story. Introducing John's new companions, his teacher and the new guy Gabe. (I actually have a friend named Gabe lol.) Totodile's intro was funny, good job on still including a bit of humor in the otherwise serious situation he was entering.

    The 2nd chapter is pretty good too, and things really heated up at the end when Scott set off that bomb and John trying to catch him, not knowing its even him. The battle between John and Gabe was nice too, and unexpected.

    Some other things: Why would John only bring one Pokemon if he's going into a war? I would bring at least his most powerful Pokemon with him plus/other than Violet really.

    Also, will we get to see what his friends are up to? Or will they reappear later to join him in this fic?

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by dash142 View Post
    Okay apparently I didnt comment on this when it started, though for some reason I thought I had.
    No worries! Glad you're posting now. :]

    Quote Originally Posted by dash142 View Post
    Anyways, the first chapter was a great start to the new part in your story. Introducing John's new companions, his teacher and the new guy Gabe. (I actually have a friend named Gabe lol.) Totodile's intro was funny, good job on still including a bit of humor in the otherwise serious situation he was entering.
    Thanks! I'm glad you liked it, I put a whole lot of effort into these first two chapters. The balance between humor and seriousness is something that I was struggling with, so I'm glad I got it right.

    Quote Originally Posted by dash142 View Post
    The 2nd chapter is pretty good too, and things really heated up at the end when Scott set off that bomb and John trying to catch him, not knowing its even him. The battle between John and Gabe was nice too, and unexpected.
    Glad you liked it! Thanks for your comments!

    Quote Originally Posted by dash142 View Post
    Some other things: Why would John only bring one Pokemon if he's going into a war? I would bring at least his most powerful Pokemon with him plus/other than Violet really.
    I had him bring Violet only because he's trying to distance himself from the Sevii Islands as much as possible. Also, he's not "going to war," perse...his job is to lead the militia there, and get out. He decided only to take Violet because he could have a quasi-journey and make the most of his situation. His other Pokes arent forgotten though...

    Quote Originally Posted by dash142 View Post
    Also, will we get to see what his friends are up to? Or will they reappear later to join him in this fic?
    Without giving too much away, Lindsey is in the next chapter but not necessarily with them John. Mike is mentioned (and living). We'll see them soon...although not in the same place as John. Or at least, not for a while.

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  13. #13
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    Chapter 2

    I must first say I loved the development of the story here and I loved the way in which things don't seem as they should and how there's a lot of misguided ideas, and lots of puzzling features for the readers which again I love! Well done there! Your characters are also amazing, especially the development from Bilbo! I am loving his childish behaviour and his innocence, it's just hilarious, and the fact he's absorbing words means his sentences could become extremely hilarious. I also really like the interactions between Violet and John and also John and Gabe so well done there, they were definitely enjoyable to read.

    Grammar and spelling - grammar seemed perfect, couldn't notice anything really out of the ordinary so I presume it was all fine but I'm not the best at decerning that. Your spelling, however, had a few mistakes here and there which someone above me has pointered out so it's just a matter of sorting them out really.

    Overal well done on another really intriguing and gripping chapter. I look forward to more!

    ~harryheart

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    Thanks Harryheart! I'm glad you liked the character development. Its very gratifying that an aspect of the fic that I worked so hard on is succeeding. I hope that I can continue that! I worked extra hard on the interactions between John and Violet/John and Gabe, so its nice to hear that I succeeded. The overall feel of the fic (things not being what they seem) is exactly as you said so thats also good!

    I really love writing Bilbo's character too...

    Thanks for the review!

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    Uhh, hey.

    First off, there were a few grammatical errors and corrections that I found in both chapters. They're underneath the spoiler:

        Spoiler:- Errors:



    I really like the premise of the fic. War is always a fun and interesting concept to tackle, and I really like how you've incorporated it in the story so far. I've always wondered what would've happened if the player character wasn't there to stop the evil team...

    My only complaint would be your presentation of time. In Chapter One, the indication of time was present in the text itself rather than before the start of the scene, save for the very last one. In Chapter Two, though, you use several different ways of showing the time. While it's not all too important, I find the different presentations a bit inconsistent. It would work better if you just stuck to one method of presenting it.

    Apart from that, though, this seems like a very interesting story. Keep up the good work! =D


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    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    Uhh, hey.

    First off, there were a few grammatical errors and corrections that I found in both chapters. They're underneath the spoiler:
    Thank you very much! I need to fix those...


    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    I really like the premise of the fic. War is always a fun and interesting concept to tackle, and I really like how you've incorporated it in the story so far. I've always wondered what would've happened if the player character wasn't there to stop the evil team...
    Thank you! I've really been scrutinizing these chapters in order to get the feel of the fic right. (the balance between journey and war) Thats exactly what I was going for! There is no 'player character' capable of defeating the team at this point, no one person really can. This installment is about the realization of that. I'm trying to stay away from the "chosen one" theme as much as humanly possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    My only complaint would be your presentation of time. In Chapter One, the indication of time was present in the text itself rather than before the start of the scene, save for the very last one. In Chapter Two, though, you use several different ways of showing the time. While it's not all too important, I find the different presentations a bit inconsistent. It would work better if you just stuck to one method of presenting it.

    Apart from that, though, this seems like a very interesting story. Keep up the good work! =D

    I think I'll go with the way in Chapter One. I really appreciate the advice and the review, its always good to have another opinion on this thread, and one of an author of high caliber no less. :] Thank you for the review!

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    Hi im new. I just spent the entire day binge reading the saga and loved it! im still new at reveiwing so my reviews wont be as long. also could i be on the pm list?

    anyway time for the reveiw:
    love Bilbo and his first word. like the story so far too. one sugestion though, if John is his team starting over could he take Sensor with him? im a fan of aron and its eveloutions and he hasnt used him yet
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    Quote Originally Posted by biggggg5 View Post
    Hi im new. I just spent the entire day binge reading the saga and loved it! im still new at reveiwing so my reviews wont be as long. also could i be on the pm list?

    anyway time for the reveiw:
    love Bilbo and his first word. like the story so far too. one sugestion though, if John is his team starting over could he take Sensor with him? im a fan of aron and its eveloutions and he hasnt used him yet
    Glad to see a new reviewer! Sorry there hasn't been an update in a long time, I'll change that in a few days. At any rate, glad you loved the saga, it means a lot. I'll put you on the list.

    Glad you liked Bilbo, he's fun to write. :] Ah yes, Sensor. We'll be seeing him, but not for a few chapters. Now that I know someone wants to see him in there, I'll try my best to add him to the team!

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  19. #19
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    Thumbs up Great Fanfic!

    I'm a new reviewer, and I read through the Sevii Island Saga and the two chapters of nightfall. This is a very high quality story, and I love your style of writing. Reading from beginning to end, I noticed that your writing became much more smooth as you practiced more. I really like your battle scenes, and the only thing that I really think you need to work on is describing the area in which the story is taking place. I will try to review as much as possible, and cannot wait for the next chapter.




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    Yay! Another new reader. Glad you enjoyed TSIS and the first two chapters of NF. Sorry about the delay with the chapter btw, it is coming soon, I promise. Just needs one or two finishing touches and a beta, and we should be all set!

    In the meantime, I felt it would be appropriate to post the "theme song" to the fic. I wasn't originally going to do something cliche, but when Blink-182 released their new single, Up All Night, I fell in love...it SCREAMS this story. You'll see what I mean when you listen to the lyrics. Up All Night

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    Sorry for the delay! I was a bit impatient, so I had a friend from outside the forum beta this. I myself looked at the chapter twice, If anyone has some grammar/spelling mistakes that I didn't catch (I'm sure there will be a fair amount) shoot me a PM so I can fix them. I'm expecting there might be a few more this time around, so PM would be great as to not clog the thread.

    Chapter 3: Nice Guys Finish Last

    “I love this song,” Lindsey smiled on the computer screen, as she turned up the volume.

    I've got some scattered pictures lying on my bedroom floor.
    Reminds me of the times we shared.
    Makes me wish that you were here.

    John just smiled, stretching in his chair. He ignored the TV to his right, which was providing extensive coverage of the Cherrygrove bombing that happened the day before. Having enough, he briefly got up and turned it off.

    “So Mike’s okay?” he asked, breathing a sigh of relief as if he had already known her answer.

    She smiled, flipped her blonde hair behind her ear, revealing her serene blue eyes.

    “I told you, he’s fine. Eggo took most of the blast anyway.”

    “Eggo?” he asked, unfamiliar with the name.

    “Yeah well…Mike caught Bronzor, thought it looked like a blue Eggo waffle,” she rolled her eyes, and moved the laptop toward the hospital bed that was previously in the background.

    “Isn’t that right, idiot?” she laughed, fluffing his pillow before setting the laptop down. Just as Mike was about to defend himself, she pulled out of frame, her low cut shirt giving John got a quick glimpse of cleavage.

    “Hey pull your shirt up,” Mike groaned, knowing the look on John’s face, “Here I am trying to talk to my best bud and you’re putting on a show for him!”

    “Are you looking at my girlfriend’s boobs?” John faked jealousy.

    Mike was not amused, and stared at him blankly.

    “Oh come on, have a sense of humor!” John laughed, leaning back in his chair tenderly, so he would not aggravate the lacerations on his back and shoulder.

    “Easy for you to say, you just got cut up,” Mike laughed, pointing to the IV bag above his head.

    “What exactly happened to you?” John asked, his joking temperament switching to a more sober one.

    “Same thing that happened to you last week. Gathering militia; car bomb. I’ll be fine in a couple of days,” he groaned, shifting his weight off of his left arm, which was in a sling.

    “You better be. We need you around to make shitty nicknames for Pokémon,” he said, laughing.

    <Fu-k!> shouted Bilbo, who had just exploded out of his Pokéball.

    “’Scuse me?” a concerned female voice asked from the background. Mike just laughed.

    “Yeah that’s Bilbo, my Totodile…he’s just learning how to talk, so, his vocabulary is er…. limited,” John chuckled, embarrassed.

    “Hi Bilbo!” Lindsey called from off screen.

    <Hi! How….are…you?> the Totodile asked in broken English.

    “Oh he’s so cute!” Lindsey called again, from off screen.

    “Good job pal,” John patted the Pokémon’s head and slipped him a candy bar.

    He looked around the room for Violet, didn’t see her; figured she was okay. The more he looked around, the more he desperately craved a change of venue- they had been in Cherrygrove for a week and he had spent that same amount of time in the hospital, per Jordan’s order. He hated every second of lying in the white hospital bed; spent too much time in the hospital last year during his travels.

    “So anyways, I was thinking…rather peculiar that we were both attacked on the same day, in the same manner,” Mike said, interrupting his train of though.

    “Yeah…I dunno dude,” he mumbled.

    “Probably just a coincidence,” an adult voice called from the doorway.

    “Hello Mike,” he said, tipping his hat.

    “Mr. Jordan,” Mike groaned in acknowledgement.

    “Wrap it up John, I need you at the planning meeting,” Jordan warned. The teacher stood briefly in the doorway, and then departed.

    Coincidence my ***… he thought.

    “Put Lindsey on, we should figure this out,” he whispered into the camera on his laptop. He got up, ran to his backpack, picked out his clothes, and threw them on his bed. Content with what he picked out, he shut the door.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    He was nervous; his palm sweating as he paced around the room.

    The boy, the boy, where is the boy? he half mumbled, half thought.

    The other men in the room, his subordinates, were giving him odd looks as he paced around their makeshift control center. They were all gathered around a rickety old fold up table, one that looked to be on the verge of collapse. There were six old lawn chairs of varying states, four men sitting and two vacancies. At the head of the table was a beat up Macintosh laptop, its screen home to a hulking, grey looking man in a polished military uniform. The man had been talking for what seemed like hours, droning on and on about the war and “duty.”

    I get it, he thought, adding, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.

    But in manner of speaking, he didn’t get it. His mind was still possessed with John’s tardiness, a variable that could derail the entire plan. When he informed the general of this, he wasn’t terribly upset, but Richard Jordan wasn’t worried about what the general had to say. He was responsible to more important people then him.

    <Calm down, > said the bulky pink Pokémon next to him. Next to him was his Slowbro, an ugly looking creature of pale pink skin, and large unintelligent looking eyes. On its tale lay an enormous bluish-gray devil looking creature, the remains of a Shellder. Richard remembered when Whitip, his Slowpoke, first evolved, and he thought the parasite was cancer or some sort of defect.

    Looks were deceiving though, as the Pokémon was exceptionally smart.

    <He’ll be here soon,> he winked. <Trust me!>

    Rich shot him a look that was a combination of “hope so,” and “how would you know?” and let his thoughts wonder again.

    “Our current plan stands at this: Colonel Meier, of Cherrygrove, will be in charge of his delegation, as well as the defense of this body. Colonel Hale is in charge of the New Bark Town delegation, as well as the administration of the militia. And General Jordan…” there was a pause.

    “Jordan?”

    The big hulking man on screen, in charge of all the Johto Armies, was talking to him. After the brief shock of being pulled away from his thoughts wore off, Jordan answered.

    “Yes sir?” he managed to chirp, his voice cracking.

    <Good one, you sound like a prepubescent girl,> Whitip laughed, speaking to him telepathically.

    Rich moved his foot and gently pressed on his tail.

    <Ow!> Whitip exclaimed, still telepathically.

    “You deserve it,” he mouthed flatly.

    “General Jordan is in charge of the entire militia, as well as being personally responsible for scouting parties. We were going to give that one to the boy, but seeing, as he’s not here,” the general trailed off as the door flung open.

    “I’M HERE!” John burst though the door, panting, Violet by his side.

    “Oh good,” the general sarcastically said, “how nice of you to show up.”

    “Sorry!” he said, still panting.

    <Told you!> smiled Whitip.

    “Yes well, for someone who promised us he could be left with greater responsibility, you sure have a funny way of showing it,” the general rolled his eyes.

    “Give the kid a break,” Rich shouted as he leaned against one of the painted cinderblock walls, “he was attacked last week.”

    <No excuse for lateness,> Whitip whispered mischievously.

    “Shut up you!” Rich snapped, recalling the Pokémon into a small blue and white sphere.

    “Mr. Woodward, I presume you know your appointment?” the general asked half-heartedly.

    “Yes sir, um….Rich told me I would be leading a scout team before every movement of the militia?” he half asked, half answered.

    “That is correct. You and two others, (that we will choose), will be tasked with scouting out the area before the army moves forward. You’re responsible for them,” he explained.

    “Shouldn’t be too hard. Who am I in charge of, exactly?” the thought of a little extra power excited John.

    “Gabe Hale, and Meghan Meier,” the general said, “now, on to logistics. I hope you understand that you’re only in charge of scouting parties…”

    Time to give him the slip, Rich said, slowly moving his way to the back of the room, eventually reaching the door. He silently maneuvered his way through, closing the door, and rushing out of the building, and into the alleyway beside it.

    He took out his phone, fixed a small, green adaptor to its USB port, and dialed.

    “What do you have for me?” asked a muffled, disguised female voice.

    “They’ve taken the bait. John will be leading his first scouting mission into Cherrygrove forest tonight. He should be between Cherrygrove and Violet City,” his voice quivered with each word.

    “Good. I have two agents who will take care of him at once,” she said coldly.

    “But m-ma’am,” he stammered, “he won’t be alone.”

    “I assure you Richard, my agents are very qualified for the mission. They understand that, should the fail, the consequences would be… severe .”

    “Yes ma’am,” he breathed, “thank you ma’am.”

    “I sense a dissonance in you Richard,” she paused, “but that is a conversation for another day. I have faith that you will heed my word. You’ll understand what will happen to her if you don’t?”

    He heard a noise, which sent his heart into overdrive as he frantically looked around. Seeing nothing but scurrying Ratatta running about the moldy passageway, he calmed down. There was nothing in here besides the rats, some garbage cans, and him.

    “Yes-s, of course,” he sighed. Two years ago, when he was conscripted into this nightmare, he had no idea where it would lead; he did it just to get a little extra cash. Now it had gone too far, he was in too deep.

    If you so much as lay a finger on Maggie, he thought, but stopped. There would be a day, but today wasn’t it.

    “You’ll also be happy to know that I will be dealing with our enemies in the Sevii Government shortly,” she said triumphantly. Richard imagined her smirking, and suddenly became angry.

    “That’s good news,” he lied, after which the woman promptly hung up.

    “Who was that?”

    Richard jumped; startled. He fumbled with his phone, closing it and shoving it into his pocket, all the while muttering a few choice words to blow off some steam.

    “No one that concerns you, Anthony,” he snorted.

    The large, hulking, elderly man was taken aback. He adjusted his long, brown overalls, fidgeting with his tucked in tan shirt, and puffed up his chest in a show of pride.

    “I was only curious. No need to act rude,” he pompously proclaimed.

    “I said drop it,” Rich snorted; walking toward the screen door to his left that was now ajar.

    His ego still reeling from Rich’s rudeness, he promptly gave the man a rude hand gesture, before following him inside.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The whole day seemed like ages; every day tasks took inordinate amounts of time, and boredom seized him. He debriefed with Colonel Meier, who had informed him of the “nitty gritty” details of his mission, namely: “keep one Pokémon out at all times, stop for nothing, don’t capture anything in the forest, don’t stop until Violet City.” But one of his remarks caught him off guard.

    “You will be traveling with your friend, Gabe, and my daughter, Meghan,” he had said.

    At first, this had meant nothing to John. Having a girlfriend, he had long abandoned the lustful nature that accompanied most teenage boys, and unlike Mike, he could control how he felt and what he said in front of the opposite sex.

    But then the Colonel pointed her out, a medium height, gorgeous brunette walking towards the kitchen in a house they had commandeered. Her hair was wavy, her eyes were deep brown, and she was extremely well figured. In all honesty, she was the first girl since he started dating Lindsey that he had been attracted to, and that thought scared him.

    Apparently though, Gabe felt the same way, as when the Colonel introduced her two the boys, he was unable to form a coherent sentence. In fact, since they had left the string of abandoned houses, and made there way north to the entrance of the route, John had to manufacture small talk, because Gabe had said nothing. Only when they had begun to leave the confines of the town, had he dared utter a word.

    “You know what we’re supposed to be doing?” he muttered tensely. Rohan was working up a sweat keeping up beside him, but still managed to sputter out the same question, in between deep breaths.

    “Erhm...” John cleared his throat, “sort of. Just keep our eyes out for suspicious activity, make it to Violet City in one piece,” he said coolly, trying to show off.

    <Knock it off, you’re taken,> shot Violet, telepathically.

    The three of them stood, sort of dumbstruck as they reached the end of the paved road. There was a quick, silent debate over where to go, (continue on the road, carve a path through the woods, or take a narrow, beaten dirt path that wound its way through the tall grass), during which the two boys were at a loss for words again.

    Meghan wasted no time taking control: “Well, we’re not splitting up until we pass the Mr. Pokémon mansion, so lets take the beaten path,” she ordered, striding forward with her fierce purple Pokémon. John had seen it before, its large fangs, spiny tail, arms attached to its body, acting as makeshift wings, its pointy head- it was a Gliscor.

    After hurrying briefly to catch up to the fiercely independent girl, (pausing for a moment to admire her butt,) John decided again, to break the ice.

    “So, er…Meghan,” he asked, “Where exactly are you from?”

    Her voice was sweet, soothing but also powerful. “I’m from here…well I mean, Mahogany Town, but close enough.”

    “And you’re…?” he began to ask, but was cut off.

    “16, same as you and the mute over there,” she laughed, much to Gabe’s displeasure.

    “I’m more interested in you though, John,” she said sweetly. Gabe snorted.

    “Sure,” he said, caught off guard by the question and branch, “what do you want to know?”

    There was a brief moment of consideration, during which John looked around. It was a weird time of the season, where half the trees were still vibrant and green, yet others were besieged by an explosion of colors. The terrain was nearly un-navigable, overgrown with thorn bushes, full of dead trees, leaves, and even the occasional Pidgey skeleton.

    “Well, what was it like traveling in the Sevii Islands? I hear they’re beautiful,” she smiled.

    He lost control of himself, and began to flirt, albeit poorly, “Wonderful, actually. Well, the beginning of the journey was. Until we got caught up in all that nasty business with Deoxys…” he trailed off, “but I’d rather here about you and Johto. This really is a fantastic place.”

    And for the next few hours, they talked. There conversation never seemed to hover around one subject, it bounced from her Johto journeys, to John’s triumph over Deoxys, to their friends, and their loses. John was able to make a connection with the girl right from the start.

    “So you were in Blackthorn the night of the attack?” he asked, knowing full well that the city had been the unfortunate casualty to a nuclear bomb that hadn’t quite reached its destination of Goldenrod.

    “On the outskirts. I was doing some training for my gym challenge, and my friends were in the city, shopping. They were right in the area that the bomb went off, I think. Never recovered their bodies, just fragments of Pokéballs…” she trailed off, choking back tears.

    Startled by such a sudden display of emotion, John shared his story.

    “My friends, well they died at the hands of Galactic too,” he started. Even though they were talking about such a horrible subject, they continued, losing themselves to the world. They were so engrossed in each other, they failed to notice that the sun had long since set behind the treetops, they failed to notice Violet’s warnings of “not getting involved,” and worse yet, they failed to notice Gabe.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An hour or so of conversation later, this time regarding their Pokémon, they had reached their destination.

    “Crouch down!” Meghan ordered, the two boys begrudgingly listening.

    Getting to the level of a particularly nasty thorn bush, John peered through it, barely making out a large burgundy house beyond the brush. It was certainly extravagant, consisting of multiple floors and wings, but the outside seemed to be rotting. Ivy climbed up the walls, covering windows and doors; large chunks of roofing and siding were missing, and the grass was nearly his height.

    “Vi, do you sense anything in there?” John asked, hoping to avoid setting foot in such a run down place.

    < Nothing, from what I can tell, > she fired, coldly. She was obviously not happy about his flirtatious behavior before.

    “Nevertheless, dark things live in the house. Evil Pokémon took it over after Mr. Pokémon moved out,” Meghan muttered. Violet snorted.

    < Dumb ***** didn’t hear a word I said… > Violet trailed off, eyeing the house. As much as she wanted to lambast the poor girl, there was a dubious force in the mansion at the moment that was clouding her judgment. For a second, she thought she felt a human presence, but it was masked quickly the ever growing presence of dark energy that was building in the house. She didn’t think to mention such fleeting energy to John, although she did resolve to keep a better eye on the house.

    “You’ve been in there?!” Gabe asked.

    “Nope,” she retorted, and after seeing the disappointment on his face, quickly added, “but it’s not for lack of trying. Some strange bewitchments guard that place. Wouldn’t want to meet the Pokémon that oversees the estate,” she laughed.

    John could have sworn he was something moving near the house, but it was nearly dusk now, and the black figures that he had thought to be there could easily have been his overactive imagination.

    “I’m cold,” he heard Gabe say, and instantly he felt the same.

    <I felt it too…>Rohan, his Cyndaquil, muttered.

    < We shouldn’t linger, > Violet said.

    “You’re Pokémon is right. Now, this is where we split up,” Meghan said, reaching into her pale blue rucksack and getting a beaten map. “We’re halfway up the route, that means Gabe and John, you continue north until you reach Barncroft Hill, then you split up- John head towards the city, and Gabe, you take the long way towards Dark Cave. I’ll be taking the river north, until I rendezvous with Gabe. Then we’ll head to the city. That work for everyone?”

    No response, as the two were both stunned at her forcefulness and brilliant plan.

    I thought I was in charge, John thought, chuckling to himself.

    “I’ll take that as a yes then,” she said, lifting herself up and petting her Gliscor. “Emory here will be a good lookout, so if you see her, I’ll be close by,” she added.

    “Meghan!” Gabe half-shouted as she began to leave, “It was…nice meeting you.”

    She smiled, continuing to walk the in the other direction, “you too, Gabe. I’ll see you at the City. Maybe then, you could tell me all about your journey, I’m fascinated to hear about Unova!” She batted her eyelashes, and winked, seductively.

    “She’s something, isn’t she?” Gabe wondered out loud.

    “Hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave,” John muttered.

    <You boys disgust me,> Violet said, promptly hitting them both with a brisk psychic kick in the balls.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Did you see the way she winked at me?” Gabe asked, for what was perhaps the tenth time.

    “Yes, I saw,” John grumbled, going out of his way to step on a couple of twigs. They used Giallo’s Flash move to illuminate the area around them, which John was beginning to think was a bad idea. If there were enemies scouts out here, they would certainly not avoid the giant yellow orb of light surrounding them. They had originally used Rohan’s fire abilities to light a path, but with all the brush and limited rainfall, they were afraid of setting the forest ablaze.

    “Gabe, tell Giallo to cool it with the flash,” he said.

    “I mean, dude, she’s so hot,” Gabe responded merrily, “and did you see her boobs? Had to be like D Cup at least!”

    <WILL YOU COME OFF IT MAN?> Giallo bellowed.

    “Thank you Giallo,” John smiled.

    <My pleasure, sir,> the Emolga replied, he was never short on the pleasantries. John’s first impression of the Pokémon was that he was a stick in the mud, but he was wrong, the Pokémon was polite, intelligent, and cunning, using its cuteness to its advantage.

    “Giallo,” he added, “you can stop with the Flash.” John asked for Gabe, as the boy had seemed to ignore him.

    <Certainly, sir> Giallo replied.

    “Now how in the hell are we going to see?” Gabe whined as the light died down.

    John’s eyes darted around briefly, and found what they were looking for in a matter of seconds. A flash of red light later, Bilbo was by his side.

    “Hey Bilbo,” he whispered, “You see that set of red eyes glowing in the distance? I want a well placed Water Gun, can you do that for me pal?”

    <Yup yup!> the infant Pokémon cheered, opening its gigantic mouth and spewing water out of its jaws. John saw the red eyes wince in pain, and then dart away.

    <Ow!> Bilbo complained, and John saw what he was whining about, as the red eyes were attached to a small, pudgy owl that was showing no mercy with Bilbo. The Hoothoot was kicking, laying sharp talons into the alligator Pokémon’s hide, pecking and head butting to its heart’s content.

    “Bilbo, Bite!” He called, but to no avail, the two Pokémon were now engaged in hand-to-hand combat, and both were fighting dirty.

    John took the opportunity to throw one of his reserve Pokéballs at the Pokémon, but that didn’t seem to be enough- even though the female Hoothoot disappeared in the normal flash of light, John had to leap on the ball to keep it shut. Finally, the struggle was over, and the Pokémon was his.

    “I’ll name you Luna,” he said, recalling Bilbo and calling out his new capture, “and you’re going to help us see.”

    “Show off,” Gabe muttered.

    “Don’t act like you aren’t impressed,” John laughed, “I was looking for a much larger one, or a Noctowl, but she’s a keeper,” he said, patting the owl’s head.

    <If I may interject?> said Luna.

    “You can talk to me?” John said, startled. It had taken all his other Pokémon weeks to form a bond and understand him.

    <Well, you see, I’ve been tailing you since you arrived. Thought you were a peculiar bloke,> she said, speaking with an odd accent that seemed to fit the “old, professor owl” stereotype.

    “Well…um, great. If you could show us the way out of here, that would be great,” he said, befuddled.

    <I thought the brown-haired girl said you two were to split up?> she half asked, half reminded.

    “Well yes, but er…that was before it got dark,” Gabe replied.

    <She seems to be getting along fine,> chirped Luna.

    “Yeah well, she’s a forceful one,” John murmured.

    “And GOD DAMN IS SHE HOT,” Gabe drooled.

    <WILL YOU COME OFF IT?> Giallo yelled. Rohan tried to imitate him, but ended up saying something along the lines of: <WILL YOU COME ON ME?>, which made John and Gabe roar with laughter.

    <Honestly, will you two ever learn?> Violet rolled her eyes, but her disappointment in her friends was cut short by a blood curdling, piercing scream.

    It was so horrible, it made John cover his ears in fright. John and Gabe briefly exchanged looks, and the group took off, running into the dark.

    <Luna, help me with where I’m going- OUCH!> John called out, but not before slamming into a tree. He tried for a moment to get up, failed, and then fell to the ground, the world consumed by blackness.

    Gabe on the other hand, had thought to recall both his Pokémon before taking off, doing his best to follow the small, dirt road that cut through the forest. The screams continued though- they weren’t human, but they were coming closer.

    He kept on running, dodging bushes and branches, a few stray ones catching in him the face, and still the screams drew closer, the air got colder.

    Be tripped this time, over what he thought was a root, he didn’t really care what it was, he was just focused on getting up. The air was growing colder, and heavier, as if someone was strangling him with an icy rope, and he felt like he was being consumed by shadow. He noticed a gap in the stars as he stared up at the pale black sky and figured that whatever was attacking them had to be there, and again tried to get up. A hovering, black ghost Pokémon in a witch’s hat stopped him, it was a Mismagius.

    “Minerva,” said an eerie voice in the distance, “dinner.”

    Gabe flinched, preparing for the worst, reaching for his Pokéballs, finally finding one, and throwing it at the Mismagius with all his might.

    <YOU WILL NOT HARM MY MASTER!> Giallo bellowed, electricity coursing through its body.

    “How cute,” said the voice, “kill it.”

    “Flash,” Gabe muttered, his strength feeling like it was being siphoned away somehow, like he was losing his very essence.

    Instantly, an intense, blinding bright light emerged from the tiny mouse, the Mismagius shrieking again, the cloaked man behind her averting his gaze.

    “Desolous!” Panicked the second man, who, adorned with a purple cloak, looked oddly familiar.

    “He’s over there!” the second man yelled in triumph, and Gabe felt the cold leaving him. He wanted to order Giallo to follow them, but still lacked the energy, instead beckoning for the mouse to come by his side, so that he could properly thank him.

    “OH NO YOU DON’T!” He heard in the distance, it was Meghan’s instantly recognizable voice. He sprang into action, grabbing Giallo and running towards the voice, his Pokémon’s dying Flash move lighting the way.

    He turned the corner, and was shocked to see Meghan and her Gliscor Emory hovering over an unconscious John, but even more shocked to see the two cloaked men, each with a ghost Pokémon, pitted against them.

    Meghan’s Gliscor was performing all kinds of acrobatics, deflecting the Ghost Pokémon’s sinister attacks, and responding with some of her own.

    “Dark Pulse!” Meghan roared, as waves of toxic dark energy slammed into the Mismagius and the Haunter.

    No matter how powerful that Gliscor was though, there was no way it could take on both of those ghosts. Gabe reckoned, and apparently so did Giallo, as the Pokémon jumped into the fray again.

    “Ominous Wind!” called the man named Desolous.

    “Shadow Ball,” said the other.

    “Thunderbolt!”

    “Dark Pulse again!”

    But they were still overpowered, as the two ghost Pokémon were almost unbeatable. It seemed as if there would be little choice but too retreat.

    But just when all hope was lost, a deep cracking sound emerged from the forest.

    The air around them suddenly smelt ancient, and the light from Giallo faded entirely.

    “GET OUT OF MY FOREST!” A deep, ancient voice bellowed. In a flash of green light, their two adversaries were hurled away, left screaming in the night.

    “What,” Gabe paused after coming to his senses, “was that?”

    “So,” Meghan smiled at him briefly, as she tended to John. “You can talk.”

    To be continued…

    A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Sorry for the delay, I started a new job, been on vacation, got a puppy...you know how it is. I plan on having one chapter out in August and another in early September. The character Bios will be updated asap with the new chapter and character.
    Last edited by Manaphyman; 29th July 2011 at 12:30 AM.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

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  22. #22
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    Great chapter once again, MM! I was wondering when you would bring back celebi! You did a great job with writing John and Gabe's infatuation with Meghan. My only complaint is that sometimes, I can't tell who's talking. Over all, spectacular, and keep up the good work!
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  23. #23
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    Yeah, MM... Listen, I0'm gonna go straight to business here. First, don't ever rely on this friend for rushed betas again.

    Seriously, there were typos every other sentence, at least. I've gotten used to your constant mishaps between homophones, but these were the least of your problems. You overabused commas like there was no tommorrow. Also, in every paragraph there was a sentence that didnt make sense. But that wasn't the worst!

    The reason I struggled to read and understand this chapter was because I couldnt tell what was going on. new characters appeared left and right, you provided no description either of the characters themselves beyound two or three rather vague words nor of the places they were in except the few forced, and kinda useless props (the first scene: the only thing I know about the meeting room is it had four chairs...) I mean, cmon dude seriously? I feel like I'm reading something you wrote three years ago, back from the days where Ash and Dawn were still canon characters in TSIS.


    I realise Im being a beast, but this chapter was unbearably bad, especially for the standarts the previous two set.

    Another thing was the dialogue, and the sentences in between the dialogue.

    I can easily tell you didnt have fun writting this chapter, did you? Everything seems rushed and forced.

    I could go on, I really could, but Im gonna spare you from that. Just promise me you will try harder. Its a very bad sign when one of your oldest readers has to struggle through a new chapter!

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by treeko's awesomeness View Post
    Great chapter once again, MM! I was wondering when you would bring back celebi! You did a great job with writing John and Gabe's infatuation with Meghan. My only complaint is that sometimes, I can't tell who's talking. Over all, spectacular, and keep up the good work!
    First, I very much appreciate the corrections you sent me via pm. I have since changed them. Also, glad you liked Celebi's inclusion. ;] I figured someone would catch that. I'm also glad you liked Gabe and John's reactions to Meghan.

    Balancing the dialogue with a reasonable amount of "he said/she said" vs. just speech is something I have yet to master. I will try though!

    Yeah, MM... Listen, I0'm gonna go straight to business here. First, don't ever rely on this friend for rushed betas again.

    Seriously, there were typos every other sentence, at least. I've gotten used to your constant mishaps between homophones, but these were the least of your problems. You overabused commas like there was no tommorrow. Also, in every paragraph there was a sentence that didnt make sense. But that wasn't the worst!
    While I am more than happy and very appreciative that you took the time to read and review (and speedily, I might add) you can imagine my response to your complaints will not be as peachy and positive as they were to Treecko up there.

    The chapter was not rushed. Nor was the beta. I finished it last week, waited for a response for BA and SV, got one from neither, decided to forward it to my other friend from school. Just so you know the process of which I screen Nightfall, I'll tell you. I usually send out the beta chapter to BA, and two friends from school. All three of them read it, tell me plot and description things that they would prefer to be tweaked or added, and then I take that into account. After switching it, I send it back to the two friends from school, who proof read it. Then, I take one final look. Not saying its airtight, but its the best I can do.

    This particular chapter was with just one of the betas, and me. I re-read it five times, and tried my best, but proof reading is one of my biggest weaknesses. I have no excuse for that.

    The reason I struggled to read and understand this chapter was because I couldnt tell what was going on. new characters appeared left and right, you provided no description either of the characters themselves beyound two or three rather vague words nor of the places they were in except the few forced, and kinda useless props (the first scene: the only thing I know about the meeting room is it had four chairs...) I mean, cmon dude seriously? I feel like I'm reading something you wrote three years ago, back from the days where Ash and Dawn were still canon characters in TSIS.
    ONE new character (of significance) appeared, and that was Meghan. Desolous, Anthony, Jordan...they were already introduced. I'm trying to stray away from TSIS where I would describe a character in detail the first chapter, and then just expect you to know their nature. By developing them as I we go, we get to connect to the characters better. I described Meghan pretty thoroughly for her first meeting.

    Why in God's name would you want me to describe a blank white room in detail? I said the basics, four chairs, a fold up table, a crappy computer and thats all that was in the room. Doesn't mean I didn't describe, just means it wasn't there.

    There wasn't a lot of imagery in this chapter, I'll agree with you there. I could have possibly described Cherrygrove better, and maybe added some detail in the forest. But honestly, would you want to sit through a laundry list of description when we have things to see? A lot needed to happen this chapter.


    I can easily tell you didnt have fun writting this chapter, did you? Everything seems rushed and forced.

    I could go on, I really could, but Im gonna spare you from that. Just promise me you will try harder. Its a very bad sign when one of your oldest readers has to struggle through a new chapter!
    Actually, I had a BLAST writing this chapter. Honestly. I loved Meghan's character in this and the next chapter. I can't wait to get started editing the first draft of Chapter 4.

    Nie, again, I appreciate the opinions and the review. Feedback is feedback, and whatever helps me improve is great. Its just....I feel like every once in a while I get these reviews from you. I looked at a chapter from TSIS and read almost the exact same review from you for a few different chapters. I'll try harder, thats for sure. In the meantime, I need to find a new proofreader, and fast...
    Last edited by Manaphyman; 25th July 2011 at 4:33 AM.

    Latest Chapter- 5: Don't Pressure Us

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  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manaphyman View Post
    While I am more than happy and very appreciative that you took the time to read and review (and speedily, I might add) you can imagine my response to your complaints will not be as peachy and positive as they were to Ninja up there.
    Well, that is to be expected xP I wouldnt be happy and peachy if I had this kind of response, either. Who would? No one. i'm rambling. Must be cause its almost 4 am <.<

    The chapter was not rushed. Nor was the beta. I finished it last week, waited for a response for BA and SV, got one from neither, decided to forward it to my other friend from school. Just so you know the process of which I screen Nightfall, I'll tell you. I usually send out the beta chapter to BA, and two friends from school. All three of them read it, tell me plot and description things that they would prefer to be tweaked or added, and then I take that into account. After switching it, I send it back to the two friends from school, who proof read it. Then, I take one final look. Not saying its airtight, but its the best I can do.

    This particular chapter was with just one of the betas, and me. I re-read it five times, and tried my best, but proof reading is one of my biggest weaknesses.
    You re-read it five times? Dude, not to be *****y but you said you only proof-read it twice in the post you... posted it. Redundancy Yay.

    But there are a few spell check sites that could detect a lot of your errors, I believe. I had a few of them saved somehwere back when I wrote Odyssey but Ive lost them since. But... google's your friend? <.< Sorry not being super suportive here.

    ONE new character (of significance) appeared, and that was Meghan.
    We dont know the plot, as such we cannot know the significance of characters. Discounting pokemon like Witnip and the new Hoothoot, I counted Meghan, Rich, Anthony, Desolous' partner, and the voice at the end (which I now know is Celebi, but didnt have a clue before, especially since Celebi's forest is, as I recall, not even near Violet City or Mr.Pokemon's house.)

    You have to see things from our perspective. We dont know which characters are of importance the moment they appear, like you do, so we tend to divide our attention through all of them. As a writer, you know which characters will get the most spotlight, which will stay as little more than silent companions and which are just appearing for one time only. We, as readers, don't.

    For example, ever since he appeared I thought Gabe was a temporary character. Now I know he isn't. But I needed two chapters to find that out.


    Desolous, Anthony, Jordan...they were already introduced.
    Anthony was already introduced?
    The my bad, but for the life of me I can't recall that.
    Im getting a deja vu here. You know what Im talking about <.<

    Why in God's name would you want me to describe a blank white room in detail? I said the basics, four chairs, a fold up table, a crappy computer and thats all that was in the room. Doesn't mean I didn't describe, just means it wasn't there.

    Exactly! I didn't know it was a blank, white room! You focused on the chairs too much. They are props which we can tell are there by having a cahracter perform an action, in this case sitting. You're description of the room was counting the number of chairs present, and which were vacant.

    YOu could try something like this:

    "The meeting room was pale and uninteresting, perfectly reflecting Rich's inner boredoom to a T. Why did he even come in? Judging from the empty seats, two of the eight who were supposed to attend the meeting were missing. Surely, jumping that number to three would not make a difference."

    Or something. That is an example of fluid description which this chapter severely lacked. Mind you, I made that out of the blue.

    Funny thing I just remembered: what I just did is why I never volunteered as a beta for you, even as a one off case. I know I'd want to change things to my writing style and end up at least co-writing the chapter instead of proofing it. If it weren't for this flaw of mine, I'd have volunteered to help you by now, believe it.

    There wasn't a lot of imagery in this chapter, I'll agree with you there. I could have possibly described Cherrygrove better, and maybe added some detail in the forest. But honestly, would you want to sit through a laundry list of description when we have things to see? A lot needed to happen this chapter.
    Describing Cherrygrove would be unecessary, since they were barely in the city at all. Describing the settings is what I felt was needed. The forest, for example, I had to imagine on my own. You did good in detailing the colours of the forest and its putrefaction when they entered it (though sometimes not with the best method) but what about the rest? When they were deep in it, all sense of space was thrown off the roof.


    Actually, I had a BLAST writing this chapter. Honestly. I loved Meghan's character in this and the next chapter. I can't wait to get started editing the first draft of Chapter 4.
    Oh, well my mistake then. It's just that reading it, a lot of things felt forced or rushed to me, so I just assumed. My bad.


    Nie, again, I appreciate the opinions and the review. Feedback is feedback, and whatever helps me improve is great. Its just....I feel like every once in a while I get these reviews from you. I looked at a chapter from TSIS and read almost the exact same review from you for a few different chapters. I'll try harder, thats for sure. In the meantime, I need to find a new proofreader, and fast...
    Wel.. thats because every once in a while, you slip up. We all due, its human. And I'm here to try and keep that slip up to become a derailling.

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