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Thread: Hoenn Reborn: the remakes R/S/E deserved

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    Default Hoenn Reborn: the remakes R/S/E deserved

    DISCLAIMER: If I owned Pokemon, HR wouldn't be fanfiction. And also, there would be no need for disclaimers.

    Were you disappointed when the fifth generation refused to deliver moar Hoenn? Or were you earth-shatteringly furious? Whatever the reason, this is the fic for you. Hoenn Reborn is a reimagining of Ruby and Emerald (not Sapphire, because I never played it :P), a what-if. I chose purposefully not to name it something like "Land Ruby" or "Fire Ruby", because those names are overused. Instead, I present to you my first subtitled work:

    hoenn reborn
    the remakes R/S/E deserved

    click for banner


    The story is also on Fanfiction.Net and Pokecommunity, but Serebii generally has the most up-to-date version at any given time, the fic is a little behind on Pokecommunity and I rarely go back and edit chapters on FFN because of how clunky their system is.

    Summary: A retelling of the Hoenn-based third gen games, Ruby and Emerald (not Sapphire, though!). Norman is in hiding in Hoenn, his daughter is on her Pokemon journey and no one knows who exactly Slade is. Features three things Pokemon really needs more of: bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors, and plot.

    Rating: T/PG-13

    Warnings: In accordance with the new Fanfiction rules, these are the warnings this fic comes with:
    - frequent mild swearing (hell, sh*t and the like)
    - infrequent strong swearing (you may see a few F-bombs, but not many)
    - violence and blood (significantly realistic, read: people will blow up)
    I'd say you should be at least 13 to read this, but all you preteens reading this probably won't listen to me.

    WARNING: This fic comes pre-packaged several factors the Pokemon world and games should have but doesn't, examples being bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors and, most importantly, plot. It also twists around events from the games and adds in some more significant characters to the story. At times, it ignores (and occasionally, blatantly spits in the face of) Established Canon A, all the while hypocritically alluding to Established Canon B.

    On a more serious note, the spoiler-tagged author's notes at the end of most chapters are basically long, worldbuilding based insights into my mind. No like, no read.

        Spoiler:- PM list:


        Spoiler:- Chapter List:




    / Prologue /
    "Hoenn Reborn"


    the Hoenn region ~ 4:00 PM [four days ahead of Chapter 1]

    Lush green tropical forests. Vast, blistering deserts. Bleak, smoking volcanic mountains. Small mountainside towns with volcanic ash raining down. Sprawling industrial ports with shipyards and ferries. Huge, azure seas dotted with archipelagos and lone islands.

    This was the region of Hoenn.

    The man in the plane surveyed the scenery below impassively, ignoring the slight rocking of turbulence, as his lone companion in the cabin of the small private jet growled a little in response to the force of the air. Ignoring the small, feral reptile, he pressed the intercom button by the mahogany table he was seated at. A crackly female voice replied, "Yes, Mr Slade?"

    "Where are we, and how long before we reach our ... location?" There was a short pause, before the woman replied, "We're currently over the sea by Pacifidlog Town, Mr Slade. It'll take an hour to arrive, at least."

    'Mr Slade' released the intercom button and glanced at the beast in the corner - it was now scratching itself with its short claws. "Alright then, Fenrir," he muttered. "I think I should do it now." He lifted a small briefcase from between his legs and opened it. Inside was a flat video screen. Unfolding an antenna from the side, he hit a button on the briefcase. The screen immediately lit up, displaying a crackling, low-quality image of a tall, grey-haired man in a suit. He sat in a high-backed chair, and wore a grey, opaque visor that prevented Slade from seeing any of his face but his mouth.

    "Well, Mr Slade," the man in the chair said. "How goes the mission?"

    "I'm en route to Rustboro City," said Mr Slade. The frequency he was now broadcasting on was encrypted, and so he could speak freely. "As agreed, we will meet in three days."

    "Excellent," his employer said, but his tone suggested boredom. "The bounty remains at a price of two hundred and fifty thousand Hoennian dollars, also as agreed."

    With a curt nod, Slade sheathed the antenna. The message "NO SIGNAL" flashed onscreen, until he pressed the power button as well. And with that, Slade leaned back and fell asleep.




    Mahogany Town, the Johto region ~ 4:00 PM - two months prior to Chapter 1

    A small house overlooking the rest of the city, with only three people in it. A peaceful house.

    Mostly.

    "That's it!"

    An obviously furious man stormed through the villa, his red leather jacket flapping in the cold mountain wind. His right hand was clenched in a fist; his left, he ran through his sparse, coarse black hair.

    "Goddamn," Norman Ruby muttered to himself. "First they fire me from the Gym for not paying 'trainer taxes' - whatever they are - and now they're trying to evict me? Taxes, taxes, taxes, I'm sick of 'em all!" He collapsed into an armchair and a worried expression took his face. "Damn! The tax officers will probably be looking out for me now ..." The doorbell rang, and, still worried, Norman opened the door. An old man stood at the doorstep, leaning on a cane. He wore a long blue coat, and a long white scarf hung loose around his neck, flapping weakly in the breeze.

    "You!" thundered Norman, his expression returning to its previous fury. "How dare you show your face in my house after what you did!"

    The old man's poker face gave away nothing. He replied, "I did nothing with intent to harm. All I did was inform the League that you haven't paid your trainer taxes for the past three quarters - merely my duty as Gym Leader."

    "I always knew you had it in for me, Townsend," growled Norman. "Get out!"

    "If you wish so," Pryce W Townsend replied. "But I merely came to warn you that the League has finally sentenced you."

    "Sentence?" Norman laughed bitterly. "The League is in shambles! One week after defeating the Oak boy, our Champion has resigned to go off to Mount Silver of all places - and just a few days after we discover that one of our most respected Gym Leaders is an underworld don, a gangster, a - a criminal mastermind! Now they've appointed the most egotistical man in the whole region to act as Champion! What's next? Your retirement?"

    "Hardly," Pryce snorted. "But, as per my duty, I must inform you that you've been sentenced to immediate relocation."

    "Where to?" the younger man snapped. "Viridian needs a Gym Leader after all. Or perhaps they've delegated me back to a normal trainer and they're going to make me go to Oak for a Bulbasaur?"

    Pryce's face lost composure, and for an instant, a sly, malevont smirk appeared on the old man's visage. Then he reasserted his blandness. "Hard to have a conversation at your doorstep, isn't it?"

    A few minutes later, the two men were seated at a small coffee table. Norman had claimed his favourite armchair; Pryce had perched his weary old body upon a humble stool. Both were staring intensely at each other, as Pryce finished explaining Norman's sentence.

    "That's career suicide," said Norman, his expression one of horror.

    "Moving to New Bark Town," Pryce replied, "is not career suicide. Career suicide is being delegated to Violet City. New Bark is perfect!"

    "New Bark," Norman said, "is a ghost town. Nobody except Elm lives there, and we all know how he is. Besides, I refuse to be appointed Gym Leader in that ... place!" He spat the last word, unable to find a suitably derogatory description for the eastern-most town in Johto.

    "Oh, you're not Gym Leader," Pryce said amicably. "The League has revoked your trainer's license."

    "Then ... then ..." Norman was shocked speechless.

    Pryce allowed himself a smile. "I know what you must be thinking. Your trainer's license is your life. But it's not. You can live peacefully, happily. Think of it as retiring early."

    "Almost three decades early," Norman protested.

    Pryce's smile vanished, his tone becoming serious. "Damn it, boy! Accept your punishment!"

    The previously docile man stood up, his face darkening. At slightly over six feet tall and almost a hundred and ninety pounds, Norman Ruby was an impressive man. "Get," he snarled, "out of my house." And with that he strode to the door and pulled it open. Pryce sighed in annoyance and walked away. As the old man walked down the mountain path, his parting words drifted up to Norman: "You'll have to give in some time ..."

    Norman took a deep breath as he considered his situation. Right, so last month, I finally qualified to be a Gym Leader. But Townsend didn't like having to retire, so he did a little snooping, and found a tiny clause somewhere that says I should have paid some tax for being a Gym Trainer. He reports it to the League. They do nothing, seeing as they were dealing with the Rockets around that time. A few weeks later, this small-town boy suddenly manages to single-handedly bring down Giovanni's criminal empire and expose him as the leader of the Rockets. After Giovanni is officially fired, aforementioned boy goes on to win the League by defeating then Champion, Gary Oak (who, surprisingly, is also from the same town). This results in a fiasco, since Oak was only Champion for six hours. One week later, this Champion - again, the small-town boy - suddenly resigns, citing huge stress levels as the reason. Then, the League appoints Elite Four member Lance as the next Champion. Lance, being the meticulous prick he is, personally goes through the records and finds out about my tax problems. Now Lance wants my trainer's license revoked so that he can force me into retirement into New Bark Town, way off the beaten path. All because of a hidden clause.

    "Damn this all," groaned Norman, seeing no hope for salvation. "What to do now ..." He sank deeper into his armchair, grabbing desperately at the nearest thing he could find, which turned out to be a newspaper. He picked it up, folded it, creased the edges, unfolded it, and was about to fold it again, when his eyes darted to a single article.

    "'Formerly the venerable Gym Leader of Viridian City and regarded as the most formidable trainer in the United Republic Regions of Kanto and Johto'," Norman read aloud, "'Giovanni di Sols was found guilty', blah blah, 'over two hundred criminal charges of extortion', blah blah, 'Team Rocket' ..." His eyes roved over the paper. "'Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the URR amended his life sentence to' ... two years of exile? 'Bribery', blah blah - 'earlier this week, Giovanni revealed that several years ago, his infant son was given up for adoption' ... No, that's not it. Here it is!" Norman's tone grew exulted as he finally found the section he wanted. "'Former Rocket executive John Petrel's diary has revealed that other executives sought political asylum in various other regions including the Sevii Archipelago and Hoenn."

    Finally, Norman smiled. He'd found a way out of this mess.

        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 2nd June 2013 at 7:30 AM.
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    ****. Yes.

    I will probably be a bit more thorough in later chapters (or even later today if I get le request list squared away?), but I wanted to drop a note saying I'm looking forward to seeing what you did with this. I'm already heavily amused by the angle you're using -- what with Norman being forced to leave Johto due to legal reasons and not simply because he became the gym leader of Petalburg for some reason. That not only sets up some delicious and hilarious interactions between him and Pryce but also actually provides a reasonable explanation to the plot hole of no, seriously, why does the protagonist and his/her mother not live in Petalburg? Well, sort of, anyway. It gives us some insight as to why Norman couldn't just establish his own gym in Littleroot. Not to mention it looks like Norman is being set up to be some kind of antagonist (or at least not exactly on the right side of good) here, which is all kinds of awesome.

    And not to mention I have absolutely no qualms about reading a fic involving crazed tax collectors.

    Besides that, a couple of nitpicks I spotted right off the bat, just for the sake of cleaning this up a little:

    1. You don't need a comma before every conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so). If you can replace the conjunction with a period and get two full sentences as a result, then you need a comma. Or if you have a list of three or more items, you could use a comma then too. It's just that anything else is not a compound sentence, so.

    2. I would also highly recommend not doing this:

    a few minutes later
    While it's hilarious to imagine an old-timey title card right then to introduce that short of a time-skip, it tends to be jarring for the reader because you're breaking up a thought. Granted, the old-timey title card effect might have been part of the humor, but I'm just saying don't do it for every scene break/passage of time because that can get old and default to the reason why you just don't do that in fiction (because it catapults a reader out of your story experience in many cases, if that even makes sense). What you'd do instead is just integrate the timeframe into the scene itself by doing things like saying, "A few minutes later." Or you could just say, "Pryce told Norman exactly what his sentence was, and all the while, Norman's expression gradually shifted into one of horror," and that would be kosher too.

    And I could go into further nitpicks, but really? I'm just excited for this fic in general. I can already tell it's going to be hilarious and relevant to my interests. So I'm going to do what I normally don't do: request to be on the PM list. I will lurk this thread like a boss if I can't review.

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    Lush green tropical forests. Vast, blistering deserts. Bleak, smoking volcanic mountains. Small mountainside towns with volcanic ash raining down. Sprawling industrial ports with shipyards and ferries. Huge, azure seas dotted with archipelagos and lone islands.
    I just wanted to point out that even if the region's name wasn't all over the fan fiction, I would be able to tell where it took place by this right here. I think this is a very good opening and describes Hoenn very well. I haven't read too many fan fictions that take place in Hoenn so I have high hopes for this one.

    "Yes, Mr Slade?"
    Just a small thing here. After a title such as Mr., Dr., Mrs., and etc, a period is needed. Of course you could always spell it out as Mister, but who wants to do that?


    "We're currently over the sea by Pacifidlog Town, Mr Slade. It'll take an hour at least to arrive."
    This sounded very awkward to me. If you say it out loud then you'll know what I mean. Remember that your characters can talk like us real folk. Just a quick switch of the words and you'll be solid.

    Taxes taxes taxes, I'm sick of 'em all!
    'Murica. Well, not really.

    I must say this is a most interesting take on the Ruby/Sapphire story. I never did really understand why they had to move to Littleroot Town and then I also never understood why Norman didn't live with them. Is this going to be a part of the story or are you focusing on Norman? I guess I'll have to wait and find out. Like I said, I haven't seen many Hoenn fan fictions so do this well and I'll keep reading. Your writing is excellent. No major grammatical or spelling errors. The description was good. I could see everything you showed. I'd like to be put on the PM list. This is going to be good. I can feel it. Until next time.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    ****. Yes.
    I saw this, and lol'd so hard, and then I saw who was replying, and I was like, "Oh, sh*t" 'cause I was actually expecting you to take a look but not to react so well to this, because you nominated me for three awards. /end fanboying

    .... That sentence probably wrecked my reputation as a writer.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    I'm already heavily amused by the angle you're using -- what with Norman being forced to leave Johto due to legal reasons and not simply because he became the gym leader of Petalburg for some reason. That not only sets up some delicious and hilarious interactions between him and Pryce but also actually provides a reasonable explanation to the plot hole of no, seriously, why does the protagonist and his/her mother not live in Petalburg? Well, sort of, anyway. It gives us some insight as to why Norman couldn't just establish his own gym in Littleroot. Not to mention it looks like Norman is being set up to be some kind of antagonist (or at least not exactly on the right side of good) here, which is all kinds of awesome.

    And not to mention I have absolutely no qualms about reading a fic involving crazed tax collectors.
    While this is not a straight-out comedy, it is (in my mind, at least) going to be funny in a few places. And yeah, I always wanted to know more about the character backstories. As for Norman ... he's probably one of those in-between types, not shady but not a paragon of virtue. But the tax collectors should end up being a good comedy point. As you can probably tell by now, this fic is slightly inspired by The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World, by Cutlerine, and Breezy's The Hoenn League: a Brendan and May Adventure. (I'm reading the latter to remind myself of how exactly the Hoenn games played out, and in case my Wi-Fi fails me, I have Ruby and Emerald to play through ...)

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    What you'd do instead is just integrate the timeframe into the scene itself by doing things like saying, "A few minutes later." Or you could just say, "Pryce told Norman exactly what his sentence was, and all the while, Norman's expression gradually shifted into one of horror," and that would be kosher too.
    Ah. This is, actually, one of my legitimate problems. You see, I really need to be able to mention when certain sequences are taking place due to occasional flashbacks/flash-forwards. If you look at the place-and-time headers, you'll notice that I've, quite vaguely, placed them after and before 'present day' without exactly mentioning the present day. This doesn't work, and is more of a temporary system until I can think of something better. And I'll definitely take advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    And I could go into further nitpicks, but really? I'm just excited for this fic in general. I can already tell it's going to be hilarious and relevant to my interests. So I'm going to do what I normally don't do: request to be on the PM list. I will lurk this thread like a boss if I can't review.
    SQUEEeeee

    JX Valentine. On my PM List.

    *faints*

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    I just wanted to point out that even if the region's name wasn't all over the fan fiction, I would be able to tell where it took place by this right here. I think this is a very good opening and describes Hoenn very well.
    Thank you! I was actually trying to find more significant places to describe, but I figured if those few sentences weren't enough to hook readers in, the rest weren't worth the effort ... if that makes sense?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    Just a small thing here. After a title such as Mr., Dr., Mrs., and etc, a period is needed. Of course you could always spell it out as Mister, but who wants to do that?
    Quote Originally Posted by Wikipedia
    Mister, usually written in its abbreviated form Mr. (or often without punctuation as Mr in British English), is a commonly used English honorific for men.
    I use British English, and so for me, I find this perfectly correct. As you said, it's a small thing, but force of habit ... *shrugs*

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    This sounded very awkward to me. If you say it out loud then you'll know what I mean. Remember that your characters can talk like us real folk. Just a quick switch of the words and you'll be solid.
    I see what you mean, I'll get on that right away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Lucario View Post
    I must say this is a most interesting take on the Ruby/Sapphire story. I never did really understand why they had to move to Littleroot Town and then I also never understood why Norman didn't live with them. Is this going to be a part of the story or are you focusing on Norman? I guess I'll have to wait and find out. Like I said, I haven't seen many Hoenn fan fictions so do this well and I'll keep reading. Your writing is excellent. No major grammatical or spelling errors. The description was good. I could see everything you showed. I'd like to be put on the PM list. This is going to be good. I can feel it. Until next time.
    Actually, Norman isn't one of my primary characters. The aims of the prologue were
    1. to foreshadow some of the changes I mentioned, and
    2. to explain why Norman (and hence his family) moved into Littleroot.

    Always nice to be complimented by my readers! If you take a quick peek at my older stories, you'll see how far I've come ... although I'd appreciate it if you didn't seeing as they're mostly eye-wateringly terrible executions of slightly interesting plots.

    And finally, a minor plot-related issue. Except that it's not minor.

    Usually, I quickly come up with names for characters which I believe work. But this time, I've mixed it up and given me a female protagonist (Sapphire), and my naming skills are on strike. So, I'm completely unable to think of a name for my heroine. I've already discounted May, because I want no relation to the anime's character, and Sapphire, because her surname is Ruby (it's mentioned when Norman is first introduced). This ... has forced me to be unoriginal. '

        Spoiler:- confession:


    Also, I'm a little wounded that nobody seemed to think Fenrir significant. CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW.

    ...

    ...

    So, I'm off to write!
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 7th February 2013 at 2:54 PM.
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  5. #5
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    Finally, Norman smiled. He'd found a way out of this mess.
    Le Uh-oh... :P

    A Hoenn fic, hunh? Now THERE'S a rare breed. The last ones I've read are Pokemon Revolution: Advent Phoenix and Hoenn League: A Brendan/May adventure. Man, I'm getting excited.

    Off the bat, I loved Norman and Pryce's interactions, not to mention the former's point-of-view on the other figures of authority. You just made this ride so much more interesting.

    Also, I'm a little wounded that nobody seemed to think Fenrir significant. CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW.
    OK, OK! He's interesting! He's interesting! ^_^;

    But like you said, this is the zeroth chapter. Only time and the story can show us what's in store, eh?

    Also, if I may also point out a couple of nitpicks myself? That haven't been touched so far:

    Taxes taxes taxes, I'm sick of 'em all!
    While I can sense Norman's irritant nature in the way this is presented, I think a comma between the word 'taxes' might make things look a little neater. It would also clear up the possible word repetition that some spellcheckers might point out. True, this may not be the case in phrases like 'He had had enough' where such repetition is a matter of tenses (Past perfect in this case), all in all, it's just a possible nitpick.

    Also, I'd refrain from making a Character list public knowledge in the opening post. I tried that before the first time I made a fic and it mostly stunted progress, because I set limitations on my cast with it. You could use the story to expand and expound on your cast, and maybe not telling the reader who's in it from the jump can compel them to read further. Especially with the way this was well-worded and impressively paced. You might be more selective in yours, but I just felt like sharing that little pointer, for what it's worth.

    Guess that's it for now. OH, and don't bother with the PM list for me, OK? I might stick to lurking for now. It'll be more fun for us both.

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    aforementioned boy goes on to win the League by defeating then Champion, Gary Oak (who, surprisingly, is also from the same town). This results in a fiasco, since Oak was only Champion for six hours. One week later, this Champion - again, the small-town boy - suddenly resigns, citing huge stress levels as the reason. Then, the League appoints Elite Four member Lance as the next Champion. Lance, being the meticulous prick he is, personally goes through the records and finds out about my tax problems. Now Lance wants my trainer's license revoked so that he can force me into retirement into New Bark Town, way off the beaten path. All because of a hidden clause.
    I laughed at the part where Gary Oak is only champion for six hours. Its pretty sad actually, if you think about it. Gary accomplishing his dream, only to be beaten and removed from being champion six hours later. And then you quit, and its like you've destroyed gray's dream for no reason.

    Anyway I like the way you've given the gym leader's personalities, and made the pokemon world seem more realistic. Are we going to see how Norman became enemies with Pryce?

    Shouldn"t the title of the fic be "The remakes that R/S/E deserve", since there haven't been any remakes yet.

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    Well, well, isn't this a pice of beautiful writing! An excellent prologue to what i hope to see become a brilliant fic.
    I like the way you've looked at moving to littleroot town, i'd never really thought of why they might have moved myself but i really hope this is the real reason
    I like the how you showed Pryce - i never really liked him - i guess i was right not to! I can't wait to see how you show the characteristics of the main characters
    Now i'm going to nitpick:
    "Where are we, and how long before we reach our ... location?" There was a short pause, before the woman replied, "We're currently over the sea by Pacifidlog Town, Mr Slade. It'll take an hour to arrive, at least."
    There are two speakers here so they should probably be on seperate lines.

    One word to descripe this prologue: GRIPPNG!

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    I loved Norman and Pryce's interactions, not to mention the former's point-of-view on the other figures of authority. You just made this ride so much more interesting.
    Oh yeah. Pryce is more of a minor antagonist, though, so he won't be putting in any regular appearances. Norman, heh, he's fun to play with. I decided, since he likes Normal-types so much, I'd make him a little like Vigoroth, which, incidentally, is one of my favourite Pokemon.

    OK, OK! He's interesting! He's interesting! ^_^; But like you said, this is the zeroth chapter. Only time and the story can show us what's in store, eh?
    You better believe it! Watch and wait ...

    While I can sense Norman's irritant nature in the way this is presented, I think a comma between the word 'taxes' might make things look a little neater.
    I see what you mean, amended.

    Also, I'd refrain from making a Character list public knowledge in the opening post. I tried that before the first time I made a fic and it mostly stunted progress, because I set limitations on my cast with it. You could use the story to expand and expound on your cast, and maybe not telling the reader who's in it from the jump can compel them to read further.
    I don't have a character list in the first post, unless you mean the rosters? But, yeah, it's spoilered so you don't have to see it. And it's not going to dictate who appears in the story. Au contraire, the story will have the characters appear, and the roster will be updated to match. But if it becomes annoying for me having to continually update the roster, we'll see ...

    don't bother with the PM list for me, OK? I might stick to lurking for now.
    Alright :) You can use the subscribe function instead, if you like ...

    I laughed at the part where Gary Oak is only champion for six hours. Its pretty sad actually, if you think about it. Gary accomplishing his dream, only to be beaten and removed from being champion six hours later. And then you quit, and its like you've destroyed gray's dream for no reason.
    Hmm, yeah. But there's a silver lining, hehe: Gary, who acts like a brat with Red, seems to have matured (at least partly due to this) so much between the Kanto and the Johto games.

    Anyway I like the way you've given the gym leader's personalities, and made the pokemon world seem more realistic. Are we going to see how Norman became enemies with Pryce?
    Three cheers for character development! I'm trying my best to give depth to as many minor characters as possible and flesh out everyone's role.

    Shouldn"t the title of the fic be "The remakes that R/S/E deserve", since there haven't been any remakes yet.
    I'll be treating this as an adaptation of the non-existent remakes of R/S/E in the fifth gen, which has already passed. So I think it should be all right to stick with the present title.

    Well, well, isn't this a pice of beautiful writing! An excellent prologue to what i hope to see become a brilliant fic.
    Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind! (Cookies to anyone who figures out which song I just referenced :P)

    I like the way you've looked at moving to littleroot town, i'd never really thought of why they might have moved myself but i really hope this is the real reason
    I doubt that GameFreak is going to 'age up' the games so much that they show taxes and such ... But they're already working towards that with the older characters from the fifth gen, aren't they?

    I can't wait to see how you show the characteristics of the main characters
    Hazel, Hazel, Hazel ...

    There are two speakers here so they should probably be on seperate lines.
    It should probably be pretty obvious, though ...

    PS: PM list please
    Added!

    Expect the next chapter sometime next week!
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 10th February 2013 at 7:50 AM.
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    Chapter One brings with it movie parodies, teen angst and bodybuilders!



    / Chapter One /
    "Hoenn Sweet AAAAAAAAAAHHH!1!" - Part I



    a plane ~ 11:00 AM; present day

    Hazel Ruby was, quite simply, bored out of her sixteen-year-old mind.

    She'd already listened to as many crappy romantic male-female duets as she could stand on her iPhone, and she'd texted her cousin in Johto until the airhostess came and asked her as politely as possible to switch the phone off, dear, because it could cause very bad accidents. Which, of course, led to Hazel interrogating her as to what nature of accidents could occur on a two-hour flight across countries. Once she'd tired of that, she tried using the in-flight entertainment system, but was horrified to see that the only movie playing was one of the few she hated with her very soul. Even mentioning the name would go against her principles, so its name will not be reproduced here. But it's safe to say that, as Jay once more turned into a six-foot-tall Arcanine in order to fight with Fredward the Crobat PokeMorph, her eyes were bleeding.

    "Oh, come on, Nellie," she groaned. "Choose Fredward already. We all know the only reason you let those two fight is so that the 'audience'," (that last word was in air quotes, to make it painfully obvious that said 'audience' was really a gaggle of giggling girls), "can swoon over shirtless Jay."

    Her mother, Angie, let out a weak murmur of protest. "Keep it down, Hazel ... I'm trying to sleep here," and with that she brushed her chocolate-coloured hair away. Hazel reflected on how she was said to look more like her father than her mother, and if it was true. Sure, her hair and her mom's both were the colour of Hersheys bars, but she had Norman's sky-blue eyes, and her complexion was tanned like his. And she even had the same favourite colour as him: an intense hue of red, not quite crimson but nowhere near the pastel shades. Like Norman, she was a little touchy and melodramatic, but friendly and slightly-happy-go-lucky. But, despite Norman's best efforts, Hazel refused to go on a journey in Johto.

    "Oh, come on, Dad," she'd groan at him whenever he brought up the subject of Pokemon training. "You know I really want to be a software developer. Like Bill Gates! He's soo-ooo-oo cool!" And then she'd rave on and on about how efficient his PokeBall digitisation process was, and how much more reliable it was than the old way of storing PokeBalls in lockers at Pokemon Centres, and then Norman would sigh and abandon the subject.

    Come to think of it, Hazel mused, Dad never did say exactly why we're in Hoenn. I mean, I read his emails so I know it's something related to some guy called Maki ... And it sounds kinda shady too. So, what'd you get mixed up in this time, Dad?

    This line of thought led to a dead end, so out of sheer boredom, Hazel decided to sleep.

    A few hours later, she woke up in the back of a truck, and freaked right out.



    the back of a moving van ~ 2:30 PM; present day

    "Mom, I am so gonna kill you!"

    Yet another female scream from the back of the van. This one startled the driver, and he nearly drove himself into a tree. A little annoyed, he called out, "Quiet down back there!"

    "You'd be screaming too, if your mom decided to take you out the airport while you were sleeping and dump you in the back of a truck," Hazel muttered.

    "I heard that," came an unwanted reply. "And it's a van!"

    "Whatever," she grumbled, leaning against a box. The box did not like this, and promptly decided that it would make the box above it fall on Hazel's head. And as the Great Box wished, so it became.

    Hazel yelped as the box above the one she was leaning against fell on her head, and then into her lap. "Agh! Goddamn!" A thought struck her. "Oh, sh*t ... I hope that wasn't the vase! Better make sure it wasn't ..." Hazel dug into the box, ripping the tape open, and was relieved to find that it was merely her father's laptop. Breathing a sigh of relief, she pulled it out of the box and opened it. To Hazel's surprise (not), Norman had forgotten to unplug the free Internet connection drive from the laptop, so she figured she might as well make use of it. The teen opened up a web browser, only for a dialogue box to pop up.

    "'Your chosen network is out of range'," she read, and then closed it, too annoyed to read the rest. "Hmm ... Wait a sec! Dad sends his email from an email client, not the Net, doesn't he?" A plan occurred to her, and, chuckling evilly, Hazel double-clicked at the email programme. "Hazel used Nasty Plot! Aaaand ..." She quickly searched for the name 'Maki' and came up with an email conversation hit. "It's super-effective!"

    Smirking, Hazel began to read. By the end of it, she wasn't smiling anymore.

    "Dad's in deep bullsh*t," she groaned. "Taxes? Really? And moving to Hoenn for political immunity? God ... I bet he didn't even consider just bribing the goddamn tax collectors ..." Sighing, she quickly shut down the computer and put it back in the box. Her attempt to fix the ripped tape resulted in it looking even worse, as though a particularly vicious Meowth had decided to trim its claws on that box. As Hazel put the box back, the van rumbled to a halt.




    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 3:05 PM; present day

    Angeline Ruby was unsurprised when her daughter jumped out of the back of van as soon as possible, and began to berate her for forcing her into the moving truck without even asking her (at this point, the driver called back, "It's a van!"). Ignoring Hazel's teen angst, Angie paid the driver. He then dropped out of the car and pulled four small golf-ball-sized spheres off his belt. The top half was coloured red and the bottom half white, while they were separated by an indented black line that had a hinge on the back and a small switch on the front. When the driver clicked the button on each PokeBall in turn, they expanded to the size of an orange and the ball opened on its hinge, releasing a white, amorphous glowing object.

    The glow faded to reveal a five-foot-tall purple-skinned humanoid, with three long, red marks running parallel to each other on their arms and forearms. Each flexed its rippling muscles as they stared with small, red eyes at each other, as though they were all competing in a bodybuilding competition and were trying to tell the others to shove the hell off because you have no chance here! with their body language.

    "Come on, you lot," the driver called to them. "Get movin', would you?", and Hazel moaned at his bad pun.

    "Mom," said Hazel, looking interestedly at the humanoids, which were now jostling each other in an attempt to make their companions drop the boxes they were holding, "what exactly are those?"

    "They're Machoke," answered Angie. "You remember the Machop in Johto, don't you? These are their evolved forms right here."

    "Oh! Now I recognise them." At this point, one of the Machoke stuck a foot out to try and trip another over, causing the driver to sigh and recall the prankster to its PokeBall.

    "Y'know," Hazel suggested, "I think this is going to take a while. Why don't we look around town a bit?"

    Angie frowned, trying to remember something, and then her eyes lit up. "Oh! You know, Norman's going to be staying in Petalburg, the next city over, so he'll be visiting twice a week or so. He'll be visiting tonight, and he said he'll have a gift for us, but for now, I think we should probably stick in the house."

    Hazel groaned at that, and sighed. "Alright then, Mom. I'll be in my room, sleeping slash texting slash reading slash all of the above ..." The teenager then flounced off into the small two-storey house behind them, as Angie and the driver tried to supervise the unruly Machoke.

    The new house was nothing as grand as their villa in Mahogany. Of course, Norman, being a highly-ranked Gym trainer and all that, had been able to afford much more back in Johto. Here, he was an immigrant, a foreigner. Hazel guessed that he was trying to lie low, not spending too much cash on housing and whatnot, staying in a sleepy little town like Littleroot. Back to the subject of the house, it was a small, Spartan accomodation. The first floor held a small kitchen and a living room combined with a dining room, a TV set, and a few couches. Hazel headed upstairs, and found that the second floor had access to her own room and her parents' room, connected by a small bathroom.

    Hazel noticed a gift-wrapped box on her bed. On looking closer, she found a note that said:

    Hazel,
    Here's a gift, to apologise for kinda shoving you in the van. Mom said you refused to wake up, and we were in a hurry, so I told her to get you into the back. I figured you'd find some stuff to keep you interested.

    "You got that right," Hazel murmured, continuing to read.

    So, sorry, and here's something to make up for it.
    Love, Dad.

    Hazel grinned as she ripped the wrapping open to reveal ... "A clock? Seriously?" the brunette said, her tone disappointed. She examined the black, circular timepiece, and then set it aside on the bedside table. At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

    "Hazel? It's Mom. Did you find Norman's gift yet?" Angie asked, walking in.

    "Yeah, and it was crap," Hazel muttered.

    "What was that?" Angie said sternly.

    "I said," Hazel raised her voice reluctantly, "it was pretty cool. And it was very considerate of my father to give me a gift to apologise for putting me in the back of a van while I was sleeping."

    "That's better. Now come downstairs," Angie said. "They were just playing an interview with Norman on the TV."

    Hazel followed Angie downstairs, where the older woman switched on the TV. It flickered to life, displaying Norman saying, "... very thankful to be appointed, and I hope to do you all proud," followed by a commercial break.

    "Damn, we missed it." A moment later, the Machoke finally swaggered in through the door, laying down the boxes. Angie sighed. "Oh dear. Hazel, do you mind going and ... getting yourself out of the way? I'm going to get some of our things ready, and then you can come back and we'll watch TV or something until Norman comes home for dinner."

    "Yeah, yeah, all right." Hazel ran upstairs, calling back, "I'm going to go change, and then I'll go look around town or something."

        Spoiler:- A/N:


    THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN UPDATED. If you read it before 13.2.13, you'll find some new stuff if you re-read it now. And lastly, the next chapter might take awhile
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 26th April 2013 at 8:59 AM. Reason: Added a page and a half of more content
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  10. #10
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    Cookies if you guess which movie I parodied/referenced right at the start. It should be pretty obvious :P
    It is obvious *cough*Twilight*cough*. I doubt anyone would have thought of pokemonising that book. Though I felt kind of hurt that they had to transform into an Arcanine and Crobat, two of my Favorite pokemon.

    Angeline Ruby was unsurprised when her daughter jumped out of the back of van as soon as possible, and began to berate her for forcing her into the moving van without even asking her (at this point, the driver called back, "It's a van!").
    I think its supposed to be "forcing her into a moving truck". How did they do that anyway?

    Overall it was a good chapter, albeit uneventful. Can I be added to the PM list?

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    Hi! I am from the Review game!
    I'll comment on the prologue.

    Firstly, I'd lke to say that the idea of writing the remakes of R/S/E is original, and you have plenty of ways of how to write your story.

    Secondly, I was very surprised when the Hoenn remakes fic began in Johto. Furthermore, it was surprising that Norman was a Gym Leader there. It was unexpected, but I liked that, so nicely done here

    I also liked the interactions between Pryce, and Norman, you described them very well:
    "You!" thundered Norman, his expression returning to its previous fury. "How dare you show your face in my house after what you did!"

    The old man's poker face gave away nothing. He replied, "I did nothing with intent to harm. All I did was inform the League that you haven't paid your trainer taxes for the past three quarters - merely my duty as Gym Leader."

    "I always knew you had it in for me, Townsend," growled Norman. "Get out!"

    "If you wish so," Pryce W Townsend replied. "But I merely came to warn you that the League has finally sentenced you."

    "Sentence?" Norman laughed bitterly.
    Yeah, that was entertaining to read

    I haven't found any grammatical mistakes in your prologue, that's a good thing)

    You had some punctuation mistakes, but here I agree with JX, who said that you don't need a comma before every conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so).

    Also, I want to say that you are doing a great work woth your text before posting. Different fonts helped me to read more easily.

    You know what, I wish you best of luck with this fic. You already have a great idea in your head, so it won't take long for you to become a great fanfic writer

    Keep up the good work!
    Last edited by RealRaymon; 11th February 2013 at 2:15 PM.

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    ...

    I am seriously underwhelmed by this story.

    I'm going straight for the point that is most bothersome here: this chapter length? Does not work. Fanfiction isn't the same as 'Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series' where the supposed point is to report the episode's story in the least amount of time possible. This chapter is a big strike so far: other than a Twilight joke and establishing that May is sarcastic, not enough happened. It's okay if you want to have a slow and steady start, but you wrote an entire chapter for what amounts to fifteen on-screen seconds of the game, when it would be more productive to expand this to, at least, a whole minute.

    Second, the chapter as a whole wasn't too funny. A shocker, considering you went for such realistic features as tax evasion and Norman being forced out of home by a vengeful old man, but the problem is that you tried to force the comedy out. Twilight parody or comment aside, the Machoke joke wasn't funny, and May can only carry the story for so long with sarcasm - a protagonist can be sarcastic and still be liked if they aren't excessively mean, and May's constant complaining doesn't make her too different from Bella. If part of the joke is that they're supposed to be alike but May's done better, then that's a bad choice.

    If nothing else, you should rewrite this first chapter to be longer and have more content so readers don't feel gypped that the prologue is longer than the chapter itself.

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    Though I felt kind of hurt that they had to transform into an Arcanine and Crobat, two of my Favorite pokemon.
    You feel hurt? I feel insulted. I HATE that series...

    So, the plot of Norman Ruby seems to thin. Political immunity? Typical. :P

    I loved how you portrayed Hazel throughout: her dislike for... gah, I don't even want to say it's name, her reaction to being pushed into the back of the truck whilst asleep...

    Good AD: It's a van!

    Evil AD: Shut up.

    ... and my best part (of the chapter to boot):

    "Hazel used Nasty Plot! Aaaand ..." She quickly searched for the name 'Maki' and came up with an email conversation hit. "It's super-effective!"
    Grammar-wise, you are handling this very well. Descriptions are also more what I see than a list in my opinion; mixing action with the characteristics (Though a little less on Hazel, to be fair). One last nitpick I have:

    "Mom," said Hazel, looking interestedly at the humanoids, which were now jostling each other in an attempt to make their companions drop the boxes they were holding, "what exactly are those?"
    "They're Machoke," answered Angie. "You remember the Machop in Johto, don't you? These are their evolved forms right here."
    I think you forgot a double space in between the second and third lines. Or is it meant to be one whole paragraph? Maybe you want to have that looked at.

    All in all, I found this very entertaining, despite the gradual pacing/build-up. But hey, in your own time.

    L@er!

    P.S: Take as long as you need on the chapter. As long as it's good, I don't mind how long it takes.
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bolt View Post
    It is obvious *cough*Twilight*cough*. I doubt anyone would have thought of pokemonising that book. Though I felt kind of hurt that they had to transform into an Arcanine and Crobat, two of my Favorite pokemon.
    I did!

    As for Arcanine and Crobat, yup, love 'em too! But I couldn't think of any other canines that would fit in except for Mightyena, and that's a Hoenn-native species, so it's going to be detracting from the plot if I used Mightyena, and I like him more than Arcanine :P Probably going to change Crobat into Swoobat now ...

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bolt View Post
    I think its supposed to be "forcing her into a moving truck". How did they do that anyway?
    Yep, that's right. I'm going to dodge that question, because even I'm not sure how that happened.

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bolt View Post
    Overall it was a good chapter, albeit uneventful. Can I be added to the PM list?
    I'm glad you think so, and sure, you're added!

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    I was very surprised when the Hoenn remakes fic began in Johto. Furthermore, it was surprising that Norman was a Gym Leader there. It was unexpected, but I liked that, so nicely done here
    Well, Norman and his family moved to Hoenn from Johto according to canon (which one, I'm not quite sure, though). And Norman wasn't a Gym Leader, Pryce was the Leader of Mahogany.

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    I haven't found any grammatical mistakes in your prologue, that's a good thing)

    You had some punctuation mistakes, but here I agree with JX, who said that you don't need a comma before every conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so).
    Thank you! I like to think that spelling and grammar is my forte

    Quote Originally Posted by RealRaymon View Post
    Different fonts helped me to read more easily.
    Not quite sure how that's relevant, but, uh ... thanks?

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    I am seriously underwhelmed by this story.
    Ah, a negative review. It'd actually be a cause of concern if I didn't get one of those by now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    I'm going straight for the point that is most bothersome here: this chapter length? Does not work.
    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    This chapter is a big strike so far: other than a Twilight joke and establishing that May is sarcastic, not enough happened. It's okay if you want to have a slow and steady start, but you wrote an entire chapter for what amounts to fifteen on-screen seconds of the game, when it would be more productive to expand this to, at least, a whole minute.
    Both entirely valid points. See, my average chapter is about 1,500 - 2000 words, mainly because I can (usually) get the main events across within that much. This one was mainly a set-up to introduce Hazel, and used as a plot device to inform her of why Norman was moving to Hoenn. And it's also just one part of the opening act of the game. The title says 'Part I' for a reason ...

    As for your comment about the 15 on-screen seconds of the game, the games had as much character developments as *insert relevant simile here*. Mine hopefully has more, and don't worry, the next chapter will bring with it some more content.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    Second, the chapter as a whole wasn't too funny.
    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary
    While this is not a straight-out comedy, it is (in my mind, at least) going to be funny in a few places.
    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    If nothing else, you should rewrite this first chapter to be longer and have more content so readers don't feel gypped that the prologue is longer than the chapter itself.
    I'll look out for the general opinion on this. If I find that most people think it should be longer, I'll see about lengthening it, maybe merging part of the second chapter in it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    So, the plot of Norman Ruby seems to thin.
    Thin? Or thicken? I don't quite get what you mean ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    I loved how you portrayed Hazel throughout: her dislike for... gah, I don't even want to say it's name, her reaction to being pushed into the back of the truck whilst asleep...

    Good AD: It's a van!

    Evil AD: Shut up.
    Characterisation is generally referred to as a weak point, so this means a lot to me. I always did wonder why exactly the player was in the back of a moving van ... truck ... vehicle in the beginning of the game. I don't think I did a great job of explaining that, but I decided to use it as a plot device instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    and my best part (of the chapter to boot):

    "Hazel used Nasty Plot! Aaaand ..." She quickly searched for the name 'Maki' and came up with an email conversation hit. "It's super-effective!"
    Thank you! That kind of jumped to my mind instantly. I've actually planned that as a running gag of sorts ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Descriptions are also more what I see than a list in my opinion; mixing action with the characteristics (Though a little less on Hazel, to be fair)
    I like to think I've improved a lot with my descriptions. My earlier ones were all long-winded lists. I remember I got a few tips on this from the "Show, Don't Tell" thread in the Author's Cafe section here on Serebii, but there was another thread about improving description which I can't recall the name of ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    I think you forgot a double space in between the second and third lines. Or is it meant to be one whole paragraph? Maybe you want to have that looked at.
    It was the former, I believe. I'll go back and fix that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    All in all, I found this very entertaining, despite the gradual pacing/build-up. But hey, in your own time.

    L@er!

    P.S: Take as long as you need on the chapter. As long as it's good, I don't mind how long it takes.
    Pacing will hopefully be improved in the next chapter, and I'll try to make it longer as well. But hey, quality over quantity, right?

    I'll be editing in a summary of the fic in the first post, as well as updating the chapter list, so, see you later!
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 12th February 2013 at 1:16 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    I did! Both entirely valid points. See, my average chapter is about 1,500 - 2000 words, mainly because I can (usually) get the main events across within that much. This one was mainly a set-up to introduce Hazel, and used as a plot device to inform her of why Norman was moving to Hoenn. And it's also just one part of the opening act of the game. The title says 'Part I' for a reason ...
    It's a necessary plot device, but it wasn't well-used. The readers being already aware of this situation, it's not necessary to have May find out so soon. Besides, it even would work for a future twist later while May thought he was a nice guy. It's one thing to not write the entire intro section - your style, like mine, is verbose enough that you don't need to go all the way to the first real battle to end - but I was disappointed that you put so little effort in this chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    As for your comment about the 15 on-screen seconds of the game, the games had as much character developments as *insert relevant simile here*. Mine hopefully has more, and don't worry, the next chapter will bring with it some more content.
    Not a very valid argument when one actually uses my proper comparison. But alright, if you want a better one...

    Ever saw Spaceballs? The first two jokes are a parody of the Star Wars opening crawl and the first scene of Episode 4, starting by having the 'Star Destroyer' take forever to go through the screen. This first chapter would be placing a commercial break right after that joke, before anything really happened to make us care about the characters. Similarly, this isn't a webcomic where you have to spend a lot of time to make four panels of text. You really should have, at the very least, introduced us to the rest of Littleroot Town, give us an idea of the location...

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Thin? Or thicken? I don't quite get what you mean ...
    He means the plot about Norman is taking a backseat to May's plotline now. So, it's thinner.

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    Sorry, guys, but I don't have much energy to reply to reviews (only got one to do as of now, anyways), so I'm just going to say this: the first chapter has been updated with about a page and a half more of content. It still doesn't amount to much, but hopefully, it should look a little more formidable now.
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    Sorry for the delayed reply, my internet went, but here it is:
    It was a rather tranquil chapter with not much action, but it was a good way to bring in Hazel. I really like Hazel's personality and i like how you showed it as well.
    It is good to see you implementing some of the key moments from the start of the original games alongside your own story-line.
    Now i'm taking a huge stab in the dark here, but i guess the surnames of the next main characters will be Sapphire and Emerald
    Oh and just to point out that one of exclamation marks in the title is a '1', i'm not sure weather that was intentional or not, though.
    Now i would usually go over the grammar side of things, but i don't think i can find any major issues so bravo for that!

    Oh and I now have a new deity in my life... THE GREAT BOX!!!!
    Last edited by infernape100; 14th February 2013 at 2:26 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    It's a necessary plot device, but it wasn't well-used. The readers being already aware of this situation, it's not necessary to have May find out so soon. Besides, it even would work for a future twist later while May thought he was a nice guy.
    Rest assured, Norman's plotline will be developed further.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    It's one thing to not write the entire intro section - your style, like mine, is verbose enough that you don't need to go all the way to the first real battle to end - but I was disappointed that you put so little effort in this chapter.
    I've added a little more content to the chapter, and also slightly tweaked bits and pieces of what was already written. Hopefully, these amendments will satisfy your complaints.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    You really should have, at the very least, introduced us to the rest of Littleroot Town, give us an idea of the location...
    The second chapter will have Hazel explore Littleroot a bit, and come across Birch as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    He means the plot about Norman is taking a backseat to May's plotline now. So, it's thinner.
    Ah, now I get it. Also, I find your persistence on calling Hazel 'May' slightly annoying. The very reason I didn't name Hazel 'May' was to avoid making her like the anime's version ...

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Sorry for the delayed reply, my internet went
    No probs, happens to all of us.

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    It was a rather tranquil chapter with not much action, but it was a good way to bring in Hazel. I really like Hazel's personality and i like how you showed it as well.
    Yeah, the story isn't a true trainerfic in the sense that it's mainly action. I like my fics to be two-thirds plot and character developement and one-third action, if not fifty-fifty, because character drama is an extremely powerful story dynamic, while action hooks your readers in and keeps them reading. Or not. We'll see.

    Also, thanks for your compliments about Hazel! Right now, she probably looks like a stereotypical teenager, but by the time I'm done with her, we'll see what happens ...

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    It is good to see you implementing some of the key moments from the start of the original games alongside your own story-line.
    I'm not planning to follow the game storyline all the way through. Original plot elements have already crept in, and will overwhelm the game storyline about two-thirds of the way in. Remember the Pokemon Special manga? I myself have never read it, but one summer when I was, like, ten or eleven, I read the summaries of every single chapter/volume in the first four series (Red/Blue/Green, Gold/Silver/Crystal, Yellow and Ruby/Sapphire) on Serebii and th stuck in my mind. Each one began following the games, but eventually warped into a decent original plot. I'm trying to do the same thing here.

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Now i'm taking a huge stab in the dark here, but i guess the surnames of the next main characters will be Sapphire and Emerald
    Hmm ... Maybe, maybe not. You'll just have to wait and see.

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Oh and just to point out that one of exclamation marks in the title is a '1', i'm not sure weather that was intentional or not, though.
    It was, actually. (Intentional, that is.)

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Oh and I now have a new deity in my life... THE GREAT BOX!!!!
    Hehe, that was one of my more childish jokes. But then, without that spark of child-like inspiration, I'd never be here, writing Pokemon fics, would I?
    Shoot Confirmed.


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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    I've added a little more content to the chapter, and also slightly tweaked bits and pieces of what was already written. Hopefully, these amendments will satisfy your complaints.
    ...not really. It's still too short for something that isn't a prelude or a prologue. And given it's not a conclusion to anything, it can't apply for a 'to make a long story short' chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Also, I find your persistence on calling Hazel 'May' slightly annoying. The very reason I didn't name Hazel 'May' was to avoid making her like the anime's version ...
    Except... this is her canonical name in the primary version of the franchise: the games. It's the game character with a confirmed name, unlike the protagonists of the other stories. So using May won't make her the animé version.

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Yeah, the story isn't a true trainerfic in the sense that it's mainly action. I like my fics to be two-thirds plot and character developement and one-third action, if not fifty-fifty, because character drama is an extremely powerful story dynamic, while action hooks your readers in and keeps them reading. Or not. We'll see.
    ...wait, what? How does-why do you want to define 'true trainerfics' as something like that? Wouldn't it be better to go for the mentality that 'true trainerfics' are actually the ones that combine well these things, rather than being all about BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    I'm not planning to follow the game storyline all the way through. Original plot elements have already crept in, and will overwhelm the game storyline about two-thirds of the way in. Remember the Pokemon Special manga? I myself have never read it, but one summer when I was, like, ten or eleven, I read the summaries of every single chapter/volume in the first four series (Red/Blue/Green, Gold/Silver/Crystal, Yellow and Ruby/Sapphire) on Serebii and th stuck in my mind. Each one began following the games, but eventually warped into a decent original plot. I'm trying to do the same thing here.
    So... this isn't even a good 'remake' because you're changing the storyline to suit your goals, to the point where now we should expect something other than Team Aqua and/or Team Magma unleashing Groudon/Kyogre and Rayquaza being involved and such? Or maybe (okay, hopefully) it's not at all about the League?

    Just asking because if you declare your story to be a 'remake', or 'novelization', your obligation with the readers is to first give what they expect, before you start adding your changes.

    ...well, good luck with making your story make sense I guess...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    Except... this is her canonical name in the primary version of the franchise: the games. It's the game character with a confirmed name, unlike the protagonists of the other stories. So using May won't make her the animé version.
    Oh, I see what you mean.

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    ...wait, what? How does-why do you want to define 'true trainerfics' as something like that? Wouldn't it be better to go for the mentality that 'true trainerfics' are actually the ones that combine well these things, rather than being all about BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE?
    In my opinion, true trainerfics are more battle-oriented and focus more on the action that causes the plot to advance, than the plot itself. Like I said, just my opinion. You're entitled to your own

    Quote Originally Posted by Seijiro Mafuné View Post
    So... this isn't even a good 'remake' because you're changing the storyline to suit your goals, to the point where now we should expect something other than Team Aqua and/or Team Magma unleashing Groudon/Kyogre and Rayquaza being involved and such? Or maybe (okay, hopefully) it's not at all about the League?

    Just asking because if you declare your story to be a 'remake', or 'novelization', your obligation with the readers is to first give what they expect, before you start adding your changes.
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think what you're saying is that by your definition, a remake is one that exactly recreates the game. In that case, this is a semi-remake, or something like that. No, this story will not religiously follow the plotline set by the games, because frankly, that plot isn't great. And besides (in my opinion, at least), the games are far too battle-oriented. I'm going to stick to the bare bones of the plot of the games, adding my own story elements.

    I intended this chapter to be up by last night, actually, but stuff got in the way :/ But, anyway here it is!

    Chapter Two brings with it professors, HammerSpace, and a vow of silence!




    / Chapter Two /
    "Hoenn Sweet AAAAAAAAAAHHH!1!" - Part II




    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 3:30 PM; present day

    Hazel sighed, crossing her arms. "OK, let's try this again: let me through."

    "No," said the girl obstinately. "I told you - it's dangerous. You need your own Pokemon to pass through here, or else, wild Pokemon will -" she checked anxiously to make sure no one was listening, and then beckoned Hazel closer.

    "Yeah?" said Hazel, leaning in.

    "They'll ... jump out at you!" the preteen cried, shuddering as she fled to take up her position beside a lamp-post, from where she had originally ambushed Hazel.

    Hazel waited until she was sure the girl was gone, and then strode off the road and into the woods once more. But, just before she could get more than a few steps in, the little girl popped out in front of her for the umpteenth time, crying, "No! You can't go in there without your own Pokemon!"

    "Oh, great," Hazel muttered. "Might as well go home now ..." She headed back to her house and opened the door, pausing to take a quick look at Littleroot. It was a small, verdant town, with a population of a few hundred people or so. Small cobble-roofed houses were set out along the main street, with a few other side alleys. Flowers in every imaginable colour (except Hoolovoo) lined the streets and gardens could be find on roadside corners everywhere. The day was a fine sunny afternoon, and so people were outside, watering lawns or chatting affably with neighbours.
    Hazel walked inside the house and went upstairs, where she found Angie setting up a GameCube in her room.

    "Hey, honey," Angie greeted her. "What are you doing?"

    "Nothing," her daughter replied, fidgeting with her hair. "There's nothing to do, anyway."

    "Well then." Angie gave up trying to untangle the wires and sat back on Hazel's bed. "Why don't you go find Norman's friend? His name is Professor Maki Birch," Hazel started at this but Angie didn't seem to notice, "and he's a well-known scientist in Hoenn. He was a teacher's assistant in Norman's university, and that's how they met. He specialises in studying the way Pokemon behave in the wild and comparing it with how they behave when caught by a Pokemon Trainer ... or something like that."

    "Like I care," Hazel muttered. Then, in a louder voice, she said, "So ... who is this hotshot, exactly?"

    "Well ..." Angie frowned, trying to remember. "Remember last year there was a huge furore when Samuel Oak won the Nobel Prize for Study of Pokemon, for successfully compiling the world's first electronic Pokemon encyclopaedia? Well, I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think Birch wrote a paper that got him nominated. Even though Oak's nomination was controversial, they went ahead and gave him the Prize anyway. People in Hoenn got pretty mad about that."

    Hazel nodded. "But there were other reasons for all that sh - stuff people were saying, right? Like that the trainers who compiled the actual data for him weren't recognised, and stuff?"

    "Oh, sure. The thing was, Oak gave out a couple of PokeDexes for completion - nine, I think it was? - and there's a rule that only three or less people can win the award. Oak's entire team of trainers were really angry with him after that, and one of them even got involved in some legal problems after an alleged hit-and-run happened with Oak's grandson -"

    Hazel interrupted, "Didn't that kid help him with it too? The one who took down the Mafia in Kanto?"

    "Yep," Angie said, looking a little irritated at the intrusion, "it's a known fact that ... that ... damn, I can't recall his name. Yes, that kid did contribute over 60% of the entries, but the committee's rule that not more than three people can win the prize made all of them obsolete. So Oak gets all the credit." She jumped up. "Why am I wasting time like this? I should probably go unpack some more of our stuff. Hazel, see that house over there?" Angie pointed out the window and Hazel looked over to see a small two-storey house, similar to theirs, on the opposite side of the street. "That's the Birch house. They have a son your age, but I forgot his name. You can go and say hi, and make friends with him!"

    "Um, Mom?" Hazel pointed out. "I'm a teenage girl. I don't go out and say hi to strangers."

    "Oh, get off it," Angie said sharply. "I need you out of the way, and this town is perfectly safe."

    Hazel sighed. "Oh, all right, I'll do it." She strode out, pausing for a moment to inhale the summer air deeply - and to remind herself why exactly she was performing this unsavoury task - and then walked across the street to the Birches' house, realising as she did that it was practically identical to theirs in every respect. She knocked at the door and it swung open in a few seconds. Hazel found herself looking at a beaming Japanese woman in her thirties or forties.

    "Mrs Birch?" she asked.

    "That's me," the woman answered. "And you must be Hazel! I'm Ayame. Please, come in." As Hazel followed Mrs Birch inside, her host asked, "Tea?"

    "No thanks," Hazel said. "I'm just here because my mom -"

    "Oh, that's right!" Mrs Birch interrupted. "Angie did say she'd send you over to see our son. He should be upstairs, in his room. RICKY!" she bellowed, and Hazel, too startled to cover her ears, was almost deafened by the loudness of the woman's voice. "THERE'S SOMEONE TO SEE YOU!" Mrs Birch smiled at Angie, her voice returning to its former volume. "All right, dear, that should have done it. Go upstairs, his room is right in front of you. You won't mind if I don't accompany you, would you? I have some housework to do."

    "No thanks, Mrs Birch," Hazel replied, but what she really wanted to say was: Seriously, woman? I'm sixteen. I don't need an escort to hustle me up the damn stairs, for God's sake, and I doubt your snot-nosed brat needs to be yelled at. Though, if he is the hormonal little sh*t I think he is, well then, I shudder to think what may happen to him if he sees a real live girl walk into his room.
    Nodding in an absent-minded sort of way, Mrs Birch seemed to forget Hazel's very presence and resumed whatever nondescript chores she had been performing before Hazel knocked. Speaking of Hazel, the brunette strode upstairs, and found herself in a hallway that looked like the Jango Fett Procedure had been carried out on the one in her own new home. On walking into her new neighbour's room, Hazel realised that the Birches' son's room was exactly the same as hers, but it sported a sleek, black Xbox 360S rather than a GameCube, and it was, undisputably, a boy's room. There were boxers, hung offensively on a chair, the bed sheets were strewn on the floor, and there was a journal and a few encyclopaedias lying on the table, as well as a small, red device on top of them. Curious, Hazel walked over to it and was about to pick it up when something else drew her attention.

    There was a PokeBall rolling on the floor. Hazel scooped up the small red sphere and checked it out; Norman and the Internet had taught her a little about how it worked.

    Essentially, a PokeBall served as a sort of door into an alternate dimension known as HammerSpace. The switch on the front of the PokeBall was currently in the 'off' position. When the switch was thrown, the PokeBall would go into the 'on' position, activating the HammerSpace portal. From there, there were two outcomes.

    If the PokeBall was currently empty, it would usually be thrown at a Pokemon that needed to be caught. After the three-second timer completed counting down, the ball would produce an attractive field (attractive field as in magnetic attraction) that was configured such that the Pokemon was absorbed into HammerSpace. In order to avoid accidents and slavery, the field was of such a type that only Pokemon would be absorbed into it. Pokemon would struggle against the effect of the field, usually. If they overcame it, they would burst out of the PokeBall (shattering it in the process). If they didn't, the PokeBall would click and register the Pokemon within as caught. Pokemon in HammerSpace were generally placed in a form of suspended animation until they were next called on. (There was a complex algorithm that took into account the strength of the attractive field, the Pokemon's power level relative to that of a newly-hatched Magikarp, its ability to fight back, and certain special effects produced by the PokeBall (certain makes were such that they would work better underwater, or on a Pokemon of a certain type), as well as countless other factors, the end result being a value that showed how hard the Pokemon was to catch.)

    However, instead, if the PokeBall thrown was not empty, the Pokemon within would be called out of HammerSpace, ready to fight. Whether the PokeBall was empty or not was displayed by a small LED by the switch, which flashed green if empty, simply shone green if a Pokemon was within, shone amber if the timer was counting down (or if the attractive field was being produced while catching a Pokemon), and, if the PokeBall was locked, the LED would glow red. Usually, one could only register six Pokemon as 'active' in their party. All Pokemon caught after the initial six would have their PokeBalls locked, until the owner logged on to the official Pokemon Registry website from a computer and manually switched an active Pokemon with one in a locked PokeBall. From the green LED, Hazel could tell that the PokeBall contained a Pokemon within it. She crouched down by it and was about to throw the switch to 'on' to see what Pokemon was within, when she felt a presence behind her.

    Hazel spun around to find a scowling teenage boy. He looked around the same age as her, wearing a red-and-black shirt with the collar turned up and baggy black shorts that came to his thighs. His hair, she noticed, was wild and shaggy, a dark shade of brown, and his eyes were an odd shade. They were scarlet, a deep, angry red, more like pools of lava than blood.

    The glowering boy said nothing, so Hazel took the initiative. "Um ... hi?" she said weakly. Growing more confident, she continued, "I'm Hazel, Hazel Ruby. You must be ... Actually, I didn't get your name?" The last bit was said in a questioning tone.


    Still he was silent.
    The tension in the air was palpable.

    Finally, Hazel groaned. "Why don't you say anything?" she complained.

    The scowl vanished off the boy's face, replaced with mild amusement. He grabbed a backpack from off the floor and, to Hazel's surprise, he fit his whole arm up to his shoulder in it. After a bit of rummaging, he produced a deck of worn, dog-eared bits of thick paper. Once upon a time, they were probably playing cards, in a similar way that you were once a monkey, but now each had something written on the blank side. He shuffled the deck expertly until he found the card he wanted. With a grin of satisfaction, the teen handed it over to Hazel.

    "'Hey there'," she read. "'My name is Rikuya Birch'." She looked up. "Couldn't have just said that, could you?"

    Rikuya took back the card he'd given her and handed over another. This one read, 'I am under an year-long vow of silence because of a bet with my Dad'.

    "Well, that sucks." Hazel tossed her head so that her bangs fell back, and continued, "So, Rikuya ... You don't speak much, do you?"

    He gave her a look which Hazel interpreted as meaning, I've taken a vow of silence. Yeah, I don't speak much. She giggled at his unspoken sarcasm, and, confused, the boy tilted his head at her. Now that the tension had diffused, he seemed a lot more friendly, so she gave him a smile, and stuck out her hand. They shook.
    And so a friendship was formed ... Wait, why am I spouting sentimental sh*t?





    "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

    Hazel's sappy thoughts were interrupted by a scream. The two rushed to the window, looking down. Outside the house, a little girl - the same girl who didn't let Hazel in the woods earlier in the morning - was screaming, her voice filled with terror. Hazel strained her ears to make out what the girl was saying, and distinctly made out a few words. "Pokemon something something Birch on somewhere ... what the hell?" the brunette said in surprise.

    Rikuya, on the other hand, had heard it perfectly. Looking stunned but determined, he snatched the PokeBall from off the floor and a small white object (as well as the red device Hazel had seen) and put them in his backpack. Grabbing a sheet of paper, he scribbled something on it quickly and threw it in Hazel's direction before racing down the stairs. Astonished, Hazel read the note. It took her a while to decipher his hurried, flowing cursive, but once she had, it shocked her even more.

    The note read:
    A wild Pokemon is attacking Professor Birch in the woods! Stay here, give to my mom, DON'T COME AFTER ME IT'S DANGEROUS.


    Well, now that he'd forbidden her from coming after him, she just had to, didn't she?

        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 26th April 2013 at 9:00 AM.
    Shoot Confirmed.


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  21. #21

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    Another peaceful but nonetheless good chapter. It is good to see Hazel go through the most annoying part of all journeys - 'You can't go in the tall grass!'
    It was also good to see your description of how a pokeball works and the stuff about the nobel prize was nice (I never did like Birch so muhahaha - you fail Birch)
    I like the fact that Rikuya doesn't speak, but it can't go on for the whole series surely and i'm just waiting until he accidently speaks!
    Again no hugely noticeable grammar mistakes so bravo for that

    Oh and Angie seems very forgetful
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

    Pokemon: Kanto Legends

    Come on the Mighty Infernape!

  22. #22
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    Well now.

    It isn't really something that I go around advertising (because people take vows to fight to the death for a fictional country a little oddly) but seriously, I'm probably the biggest fan of Hoenn that I can think of. Not its characters, not its story, not its Pokémon, but Hoenn itself: possibly the strangest, most patchwork nation in the whole of the Pokémon world; where temperate woodlands and plains segue bizarrely into rainforest; where islands appear and disappear for no reason whatsoever; where half the map is composed of seawater; where, somewhere in the distant past, Unown were apparently outcompeted by Braille.

    From this, it might reasonably be deduced that I too was fairly longing for an R/S remake, Generation V style. And, having now read this one, I'm beginning to feel I could do a hell of a lot worse than it.

    The story of R/S/E is, I think, a perfect choice on your part. In Generation I and II, the story is so vague as to be almost absent; any attempt to rewrite it must necessarily result in wholesale invention. In Generation IV and V, the story is so precise that making it your own faces a different problem, that of the plot resisting your interpretation. But in Hoenn - glorious Hoenn - the storyline is kind of half-formed, midway between the random 'OMG Team Rocket are attacking for some reason' of Kanto and Johto and the more polished plots of Sinnoh and Unova. You have a specific story, but not enough scripted events to really tell it properly. You have hints of huge plans, on the scale of Cyrus' and Ghetsis', but they aren't explored properly beyond 'MOAR LAND' or 'NAY, MOAR WATER'. So I've always seen it as an exceptionally fertile breeding ground for creative reinterpretation.

    And you're treating my favoured region well, too. It's a beautiful place if you don't have to Surf through all its damn sea routes, and that opening of yours was just glorious. I have a few quibbles, of course (and if I wasn't so blinded by my insane love for Hoenn itself, I might have more), but in general, this is shaping up to be a fine piece of writing.

    I think perhaps you do tend to get a little heavy with the adjectives at times - to the extent that it's a bit hard on the eye - but there hasn't been a really jarring example of this since the first part you posted, so I'll leave that alone for now on the grounds that you're evidently improving in that area. In addition, some of your exposition is slightly clunky; it's mostly the stuff disguised as dialogue, which reads less like the rest of your dialogue and more like an authorial aside.

    "Well," Angie frowned, trying to remember, "I think he published a paper last year that got him nominated for the Nobel Prize in the Study of Pokemon, or something like that. It's called, 'An Analysis of Natural Selection of Human-Trained Pokemon and Pokemon Found in the Wild'. There was a huge furore when Samuel Oak won it instead, for successfully compiling the world's first electronic Pokemon encyclopaedia."

    "The PokeDex." Hazel nodded. "Didn't that kid help him with it too? The one who took down the Mafia in Kanto?"

    "Actually," Angie said, "Oak gave out nine PokeDexes that year for completion. It's true that ... that ... damn, I can't recall his name. Yes, that kid did contribute over 60% of the entries, but the committee's rule that not more than three people can win the prize made all of them obsolete. So Oak gets all the credit." She jumped up. "Why am I wasting time like this? I should probably go unpack some more of our stuff. Hazel, see that house over there?" Angie pointed out the window and Hazel looked over to see a small two-storey house, similar to theirs, on the opposite side of the street. "That's the Birch house. They have a son your age, but I forgot his name. You can go and say hi, and make friends with him!"
    That doesn't sound quite like Angie to me. We haven't heard that much of her before, but what we have heard doesn't really sound like that. It's slightly forced, that's all; a little reworking - perhaps extending the conversation so that the information comes out more slowly and naturally - and it should be perfectly believable.

    As I was looking up that quote, something just caught my eye:

    "Nothing," her daughter replied, fidgeting with her. "There's nothing to do, anyway."
    Fidgeting with her what? Left like this, it implies Hazel picked up her mother and started fidgeting with her as if she were some kind of colossal executive toy. I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening.

    Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my quibble list. Man, I should've written these down... I can't think why I didn't. I usually do when reviewing. Well, I'll soldier on regardless.

    Ah, you've already addressed the next thing I was going to mention, which is the forced nature of some of the humour in the first couple of chapters. Life is funny, even when bad stuff happens, and especially so in Hoenn; leave it alone and the natural ludicrousness of the story will make itself known without shoving in extra jokes every so often. But, as I said, you've already addressed that, so I'll leave it alone.

    I'm sure you probably looked it up for writing this, but for some reason I can't help but think Hooloovoo is spelled with 'u's instead of 'oo's. No, wait, I just looked it up and it's spelled with 'oo's. My mistake. As you were.

    I love the inclusion of League politics. Really, I do. I've always loved that aspect of created worlds - the politics, the backstory, the machinery that makes the fiction work - and I just don't see it explored enough for my tastes. So yeah. Keep it up. It's glorious*.

    Oh, and I loved the fact that no one can quite recall Red's name. That's a fantastic touch.

    Anyway. This is a sorry excuse for a review, but in all honesty, I'm more writing to let you know I like the story and will be tracking its development than anything else. Add me to the PM list, please. I feel like I ought to offer you something to make up for the low quality of the review... perhaps a short description of a cookie in the form of a rudimentary haiku?

    Oh, glorious sweet.
    Chocolate chunks, golden brown.
    Get in mah belly.

    Yeah, that should do it.

    F.A.B.

    *Fun fact: 'glorious' is one of Neil Gaiman's favourite words. Since it's also one of mine, this pleases me immensely.

  23. #23
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    Well, I found Rikuya's introduction interesting for one thing. Also, that and the little girl's "Don't go into the tall grass" scene caused a chuckle as well.

    However, I did spot one off-putting quirk with this chapter (which should pass length quota nicely) :

    Yes, that kid did contribute over 60% of the entries,
    That 60% is a bit disconcerting in figures. Maybe typing numbers in full would be neater? As far as I know, numbers are only written as figures when they are read as such by a member of cast. For example:

    He opened his eyes blearily and gazed at the offending alarm clock, the numbers "7:30" glaring right back in bright neon red.
    I hope that point made sense. It can mess up to flow otherwise.

    That aside, great chapter! Keep them coming!

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    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    It is good to see Hazel go through the most annoying part of all journeys - 'You can't go in the tall grass!'
    Hehe, true! I always hate that bit, but then again, the opening act of every game is quite interesting.

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    It was also good to see your description of how a pokeball works and the stuff about the nobel prize was nice (I never did like Birch so muhahaha - you fail Birch)
    I pulled that PokeBall thing right out of my - actually, let's not go there. But the Nobel Prize thing, I had to research. It never did make sense to me as to why Oak hadn't earned much recognition for his accomplishments, and why Red wasn't known for helping him out. What did make sense was that Oak would need a team of trainers out there, so to speak, to get him some data. So I settled on nine (because it's three times three, and 3^3, while following the rule of three pattern that's one of the characteristics of this story, is far too huge a number).

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    I like the fact that Rikuya doesn't speak, but it can't go on for the whole series surely and i'm just waiting until he accidently speaks!
    Oh, he won't. Rikuya is a betting man, he's sharp. And the limits of his self-control are outrageous.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    ....
    *walks away from computer*
    *returns 10 minutes later, regains composure*
    /end fanboying

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    It isn't really something that I go around advertising (because people take vows to fight to the death for a fictional country a little oddly) but seriously, I'm probably the biggest fan of Hoenn that I can think of. Not its characters, not its story, not its Pokémon, but Hoenn itself: possibly the strangest, most patchwork nation in the whole of the Pokémon world; where temperate woodlands and plains segue bizarrely into rainforest; where islands appear and disappear for no reason whatsoever; where half the map is composed of seawater; where, somewhere in the distant past, Unown were apparently outcompeted by Braille.
    tl;dr

    ... No, just joking. I read all of it. I know right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    From this, it might reasonably be deduced that I too was fairly longing for an R/S remake, Generation V style. And, having now read this one, I'm beginning to feel I could do a hell of a lot worse than it.
    Gen VI might bring one along, but I doubt it will come until Nintendo's next handheld loses its backwards compatibility with the DS/DSi/3DS family. :'(

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    The story of R/S/E is, I think, a perfect choice on your part. In Generation I and II, the story is so vague as to be almost absent; any attempt to rewrite it must necessarily result in wholesale invention. In Generation IV and V, the story is so precise that making it your own faces a different problem, that of the plot resisting your interpretation. But in Hoenn - glorious Hoenn - the storyline is kind of half-formed, midway between the random 'OMG Team Rocket are attacking for some reason' of Kanto and Johto and the more polished plots of Sinnoh and Unova. You have a specific story, but not enough scripted events to really tell it properly. You have hints of huge plans, on the scale of Cyrus' and Ghetsis', but they aren't explored properly beyond 'MOAR LAND' or 'NAY, MOAR WATER'. So I've always seen it as an exceptionally fertile breeding ground for creative reinterpretation.
    Gen I would be fun to retell. Imagine Kanto a la film noir, complete with the Mafia, Don Giovanni di Sols, and the rule of three. I might fit a Kanto-based prequel to HR once I'm done - but then again, probably not. Gen IV on the other hand sounds more cyberpunk to me, with a futuristic setting and Matrix-style bullet time controlled by Dialga and Palkia ...

    But I digress (as usual). Yeah, I'm sure as hell going to flesh out the story of Ruby and Emerald.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    And you're treating my favoured region well, too. It's a beautiful place if you don't have to Surf through all its damn sea routes, and that opening of yours was just glorious.
    I don't really mind those sea routes, actually ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    I have a few quibbles, of course (and if I wasn't so blinded by my insane love for Hoenn itself, I might have more), but in general, this is shaping up to be a fine piece of writing.
    ... You don't know how much this means to me ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    In addition, some of your exposition is slightly clunky; it's mostly the stuff disguised as dialogue, which reads less like the rest of your dialogue and more like an authorial aside.
    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    That doesn't sound quite like Angie to me. We haven't heard that much of her before, but what we have heard doesn't really sound like that. It's slightly forced, that's all; a little reworking - perhaps extending the conversation so that the information comes out more slowly and naturally - and it should be perfectly believable.
    Too much info-dumping? I'll go back and fix it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    Left like this, it implies Hazel picked up her mother and started fidgeting with her as if she were some kind of colossal executive toy.
    Despite the fact that I have no idea whatsoever as to what an executive toy is, I find your typically Cutlerinism hilarious. Anyway, I'll fix it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    I'm sure you probably looked it up for writing this, but for some reason I can't help but think Hooloovoo is spelled with 'u's instead of 'oo's. No, wait, I just looked it up and it's spelled with 'oo's. My mistake. As you were.
    I did, actually. Huluvu ... that looks oddly wrong for some reason ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    I love the inclusion of League politics. Really, I do. I've always loved that aspect of created worlds - the politics, the backstory, the machinery that makes the fiction work - and I just don't see it explored enough for my tastes. So yeah. Keep it up. It's glorious*.
    Worldbuilding is a favourite pastime of mine. So is foreshadowing, and creating pseudo-scientific explanations for why stuff that shouldn't work (even by the skewed logic of the Pokemon world), does work. All stuff I picked up from you. I actually wanted to ask you if I could use your idea on how PokeBalls work (the one about Apricorns retaining the genetic material from their tree and stuff), but I decide to come up with my own idea instead. It's not half as good, but it works, and it gives me an opportunity to poke fun at a trope, so ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    Oh, and I loved the fact that no one can quite recall Red's name. That's a fantastic touch.
    This stems more from laziness to think of a name for him than from a stroke of genius, actually :P but again, it works!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    Anyway. This is a sorry excuse for a review
    Oh no, it was pretty good. Simply knowing that you reviewed my story is good enough!

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    I like the story and will be tracking its development than anything else. Add me to the PM list, please.
    The Cutlerine wants in on my PM list. *gasp*

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    I feel like I ought to offer you something to make up for the low quality of the review... perhaps a short description of a cookie in the form of a rudimentary haiku?

    Oh, glorious sweet.
    Chocolate chunks, golden brown.
    Get in mah belly.

    Yeah, that should do it.
    The Cutlerine wrote me a haiku.

    On chocolate-chip cookies, no less.

    *faints*

    Quote Originally Posted by Cutlerine View Post
    *Fun fact: 'glorious' is one of Neil Gaiman's favourite words. Since it's also one of mine, this pleases me immensely.
    Deadly used Revive!

    You used it in your haiku as well, did you notice that?

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Well, I found Rikuya's introduction interesting for one thing. Also, that and the little girl's "Don't go into the tall grass" scene caused a chuckle as well.
    Hehe. Rikuya ... is quite fun to play around with. He's an interesting character. I like him more than Hazel, but Fenrir? NO ONE CAN BEAT FENRIR. Well, eventually.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    However, I did spot one off-putting quirk with this chapter (which should pass length quota nicely) :
    It's three hundred words longer than the last Cool, no? I'll see about making the next one even longer ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    That 60% is a bit disconcerting in figures. Maybe typing numbers in full would be neater? As far as I know, numbers are only written as figures when they are read as such by a member of cast.
    Ah, I didn't know that, but yeah, it makes sense. I'll go change it.

    The flow is taking a while to kick in, so the next chapter might take a while. That's all.

    ~Deadly

    PS: trying out that new sign-off thing. How's it look?
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 24th February 2013 at 11:00 AM.
    Shoot Confirmed.


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  25. #25
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    Chapter Three brings with it a battle, a sociopathic Mudkip, and a weird hairstyle!


    ... Unfortunately, it's not Miror B. I'm referring to.




    / Chapter Three /
    "The Zigzagoon Platoon vs A Scientific Buffoon"


    Route 101, Hoenn ~ 4:00 PM; present day

    The United Nations classifies Hoenn, along with the URR, Sinnoh, and about eleven other countries, as a Trainer Nation. Trainer Nations are countries in which Pokemon are found in nature more commonly than so-called 'regular' animals, such as dogs, sheep, and chimpanzees. Since Pokemon are so prevalent in Trainer Nations, much of the economy revolves around them as well. One of the most popular career choices in Trainer Nations is training, from which the classification derives its name. Training, quite simply, consists of people going out in the wild, hunting down Pokemon, and capturing them for use in battle against other Pokemon. In order to find wild Pokemon to catch and battle against, trainers often go off the beaten path and onto roads less travelled, since the stronger the Pokemon, the farther it will live from civilisation. Of course, this procedure was rife with safety concerns. Finally, after the horrific MacKitchinson incident in Johto, 1989 (the one inolving demented Weedle, birthday cake, and a melancholy Porsche), most Trainer Nation governments organised a system of safe paths between roads and cities. These dirt paths - 'Routes', as they were called - were trails that unobtrusively ran through the wilderness, far enough from suburbia that wild Pokemon would not be scared away, but close enough that a trainer in need of help would be able to quickly reach civilisation.

    Route 101 was one such path, leading from Littleroot to its neighbouring town, Oldale. A small dirt track between cities, it was straightforward and simply wound over a small ledge, until it finally found its way to Oldale. It was just a kilometre or so long, but it still seemed like a small piece of the plains ripped out and placed into the town. Flowers gave way to tangled knots of grass, and trees lined the roadside, preventing trainers from wandering too far off the route. It was at the Littleroot end of this road that Hazel found herself, panting. Besides her, Rikuya stood still. Both of them were by the grass at the end of the road, looking ahead at a decidedly odd sight.

    Rikuya slipped his backpack off and reached into it, pulling out a notepad, on which he scribbled, Wait here, I'll get help. He then proceeded to run back into town, leaving Hazel staring into the clearing ahead. A thirty-something man (he was just old enough to have thick brown stubble covering his double chin and a pot belly, but too young to have a wrinkly face) dressed in a lab coat was stamping at the ground, trying to kick away some small, furry raccoon-like things, while they bit at his ankles, tried to get under his feet, and generally irritate the hell out of him. Simultaneously, the man in the lab coat was shouting, "Help! Hey, help! Goddamn it, someone help me for the love of - Get away! Go! Help!"

    "Um ... dude? I'm right here," Hazel called to him. "You don't need to yell ..."

    "Thank God you're here!" the man said in relief, while trying to kick away one of the acrobatic pests which had jumped on to his shoe. "These damned Zigzagoon have been on me for half an hour now. A man can only take so much abuse before he lashes out!"

    "Don't worry, Professor, your son's gone to get help," Hazel replied. "You are Professor Birch, right?"

    "That's me," Birch confirmed. "But we can't wait that long!"

    "What were you doing out here anyway?" Hazel queried curiously.

    "I was studying the group behaviour of a wild platoon of Zigzagoon when they decided to study my response to a group attack. Now can you help me out here?"

    "Like I said, your son's -"

    "I can't wait that long!" Birch shouted in frustration. "These Zigzagoon are going to be the death of me if you don't help me right now!"

    "Okay, okay. But you really shouldn't be out here without your own Pokemon, you know," Hazel deadpanned.

    "I had my own Pokemon!" Birch answered, swatting at a Zigzagoon that had crawled up his pant leg. "They were in my bag, but I dropped it when the Zigzagoon jumped me! Wait a minute," he paused as an idea occured to him, "the bag! It's still around there somewhere! Quick, find it!"

    Hazel looked around and spotted a brown bag in the middle of a bush. She tugged at it and the bush relinquished its grasp after a few seconds, scraping against the faux leather surface. Opening the flap of the bag, she found that three PokeBalls, all in their 'small' state, nestled amidst a sea of papers, folders, and a pair of binoculars. She dug in and pulled them out, holding one in each hand with the third at her foot.

    "Wait, wait!" Hazel looked at Birch, annoyed. "If you use all three," he explained, "the Pokemon will get confused. Only call out one."

    "Heh, all right." She looked back to the two PokeBalls in hand. "Which one? Ah, I guess I'll go with that one!" She dropped the one in her right hand, juggled the other so that now it lay in her right hand, and flicked the switch. A burst of white light streamed out as the ball swung open on its hinges, taking the form of a small, blue ... thing? It looked oddly like a cross between a lizard and a frog, with a large and spiky fin on its head in the style of a mohawk, two orange star-shaped fins on its cheeks, and yet another translucent, wet-looking fin as a tail.

    "What the hell?" Hazel was taken aback at the sight of this strange Pokemon. "Hey, Professor, what Pokemon is this?"

    "It's a Mudkip!" he shouted. "Please, quickly, help!"

    "But I don't even know what attacks it has," Hazel pointed out. At this point, Birch gave a desperate cry, muffled by the fact that he had finally toppled onto his rear and was currently trying to pull two Zigzagoon off his face. "Um ... whatever. Mudkip, use ... Tackle?"

    The Mudkip did something Hazel was definitely not expecting it to do. It turned to her, twitched its cheek-fins disparagingly at her (How, Hazel thought, can it even do that?) and glinted its eye (Okay, that's weird. How does it know which angle to stand at to reflect sunlight off?), before it sprinted straight at the Professor. Smashing into Birch, Mudkip charged at the Zigzagoon. The platoon scattered, scampering for safety to save their skins from the weird blue amphibian with an attitude, until only one remained.


    The last Zigzagoon faced off against the Mudkip, squaring its small shoulders and glaring with its beady black eyes (They're actually kinda cute this way!) in an unconvincing effort to look threatening. Its spiky fur reminded Hazel of a cup of espresso, with swirling bands of opponent reared on its back legs, sneering down at the small mammal as it landed back down in an attempt to show the Zigzagoon exactly who was boss. The raccoon Pokemon folded its ears backwards, flat against its body, and opened its mouth, baring small, sharp teeth. The Mudkip responded by twitching its cheek-fins at the Zigzagoon again.



    The Zigzagoon narrowed its eyes, giving it a look of intense concentration.




    The Mudkip lowered its head fin and pawed at the ground, like a bull.





    ... An epic showdown, this was not.

    "Uh, Professor?" Hazel called to Birch, who, on the opposite side of the field, had just gotten up and was dusting himself off. "Why aren't they attacking?"

    "A good question," Birch said approvingly. "Perhaps they're having a show of power. Each trying to intimidate the other, show its superiority. This is clearly Zigzagoon's territory, but Mudkip is unquestionably badass so it's anyone's game."

    Hazel rolled her eyes. "I know it's a good question, but do you have a good answer?"

    "Err ... no," Birch muttered. Then his face lit up. "Actually, yes! You have to command Mudkip to attack, don't you?"

    "Uh, he seems intelligent. Why would I need to command him in battle? It's practically begging Zigzagoon to dodge. Wouldn't it be more strategic to think up a maneouver and give it a cool codename instead of shouting out orders?"

    Birch shrugged. "I don't know! Look, girl ... Actually, why am I still here? Those Zigzagoon aren't on me anymore, so I can go. Oh, and if you want a reward, drop by my laboratory tomorrow!" And with that, he gathered up his bag and the remaining two PokeBalls (leaving behind Mudkip's PokeBall) fled, jogging as fast as he could (which was slightly faster than the average snail on steroids).

    "You know, Mudkip," Hazel said. "There's no point in battling any - huh?" For Mudkip was now walking away from the fight, its Mohawk standing proud and straight in the gentle breeze, leaving behind it a collapsed heap of fur and dust that had more in common with roadkill than Zigzagoon. "Wow, that's cool. You actually won the fight while I was talking to that old man?"

    In response, the blue whatever-it-was raised its three-toed paw up and put two of its toes down.

    "Oh no, you didn't," Hazel spat under her breath. The Mudkip continued to stare smugly at her. "Goddamn it you -", and she proceeded to comment profanely on the Mudkip's parentage, while hitting the switch on its PokeBall. The behaviourally deficient Pokemon vanished in a burst of light, being sucked up into HammerSpace. Still cursing under her breath, Hazel began to trek back up the road, but stopped in her tracks when she noticed a certain shaggy-haired male leaning against a tree, the epitome of relaxation.

    "You were around all this time, weren't you?" she said, noticeably pissed. Rikuya simply answered with a smug smirk. "Stop doing that!"

    The boy shrugged in innocence, as if to say, Stop doing what?

    "You know what. That silent thing you keep doing! It's pissing me off."

    Rikuya straightened up, shifting into a proper standing posture. He handed her a note which said, No one wanted to help.

    "Leaving me alone like that with a weird old man and a sociopathic Mudkip," Hazel growled, "wasn't very chivalrous of you. Sooo ..."

    A look of discomfort appeared on Rikuya's face. He knew that kind of sooo. It was the sooo someone said when you ate the last piece of cake which the only toddler in the room wanted, a sooo that was bone-chillingly filled with consequences.

    "As punishment," Hazel continued, "You'll have to walk me home. It's almost twi - sunset. Damn, I almost said it. Anyway, it's almost sunset - even though it's only about four-thirty and I don't know how safe this town of yours is. C'mon," and she marched off, PokeBall in hand. Rikuya stared for a second before walking after her.


    the Indigo Plateau, Kanto ~ 2:15 AM; present day

    Every Trainer Nation has a government-sanctioned association of Pokemon trainers, known as the National League of Pokemon Trainers, and the URR is no different. In fact, being a country composed of two regions rather than one, they have a much larger League than most other countries. While most countries have a board of directors composed of two representatives from the Gym Leaders, one from the Elite Four, the current head of the Active, Competitive and Extreme Training Measures Organisation (the ACE trainers), the Champion, and around four other highly respected trainers, the URR had five Gym Leaders, one person qualified to be an Elite (but not holding the post of Elite as well), and three more respected trainers. One of the five Gym Leaders in question was Pryce W Townsend, and he was the one who had called the meeting of the board of directors.

    "In short," the aged Leader concluded, "we must immediately speak to the government, sending a recommendation that they put into effect, as soon as possible, new tax laws and more stringent security methods."

    The Champion, Lance Stryker, nodded gravely, his pretentious red hair stiff as a statue. Copious amounts of gel slithered through the six-inch tall mountain of flame-like hair as he stood to speak. "Thank you, Mr Townsend. Now, we'll close this meeting as soon as we rule on whether or not to approve Mr Townsend's solution proposition for the problem he a - afore - said before." Although the correct wording would be 'proposition for a solution', no one bothered to correct the pompous thirty-year-old, who looked proud at having managed to slip two polysyllabic words into his suggestion.

    There was silence for a few minutes as everyone read the leaflets Pryce had inconspicuously placed on the table earlier. A gradual murmuring began, but died down under the fierce glare of the septagenarian Gym Leader.

    "Shall we approve the motion?" Lance enquired. "We'll simply have an informal show of hands for this ingenious solution. All those in favour, raise hands."

    A few seconds passed as a secretary, sitting in a dark corner, quickly took a note of the votes. At a nod from him, Lance continued. "All those voting no, raise hands."

    A few more seconds passed.

    "All those abstaining, raise hands."

    Once the meeting was complete, the secretary quickly tallied the votes, and handed the results to Lance. The League's poster boy frowned in surprise as he read, but when he put the clipboard down, he looked as though he had won the lottery (a decidedly difficult feat since all attending doubted Lance's ability to count without using his fingers, a textbook, and a look of concentration - if such a thing was possible).

    "The solution," Lance said quite happily, "is approved. As of now, Norman Ruby is an outlaw in the URR, and we will be sending a team of League officials to bring him back to Johto by any means possible."

        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 1st May 2013 at 5:44 PM.
    Shoot Confirmed.


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