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Thread: Hoenn Reborn: the remakes R/S/E deserved

  1. #26
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    First, I agree with Cutlerine - I both love Hoenn (I might even write my own fic based there...) and the premise of this story.

    One of the most amusing things is they way you've both kept the original structure strong as well as dabbling in some humorous logic. For example, the way you explained the male protagonist's silence is commendable, as is the way you explained the whole truck-beginning thing. The good part is that I know what's coming, but not how it's coming, you know what I mean?

    I enjoy the air of mystery surrounding Slade, as well as the mystery boss. I hope the whole 'Dad's a refugee' thing will tie in well (perhaps to explain why the main character leaves him til fifth to beat). Kudos on getting Mudkip, the unquestionable badass (I know love you for that) - the region's now much simpler than getting, I dunno, a Treeko.

    This whole tax thing seems rather complicated, as well as the governmental system, but to me that helps with us relating as to why Norman found it so hard to pay his taxes. Me thinks the League are being a bit too harsh though - didn't they blow off the taxes then suddenly, without giving any time for Norman to pay them, just banned him from training. On top of this, when he escapes a team is sent to track him down....Well....

    I love the voice you do this through - Hazel is hilariously witty and vocal (particularly when adding Rikuya's voice) - I can't wait to see more of her.

    Overall, I have absolutely fallen for this fic, but it does unfortunately pose me one difficult question - whether this can be classed as 'original' for the Fanfiction nominations! Keep up the good work!
    Last edited by Scaldaver; 19th February 2013 at 8:53 PM.
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  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    I both love Hoenn (I might even write my own fic based there...) and the premise of this story.
    Dude, you're already writing it. And it's awesome. And I reviewed it

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    The good part is that I know what's coming, but not how it's coming, you know what I mean?
    I know exactly what you mean! And just wait until you see a couple of the antagonists ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    I enjoy the air of mystery surrounding Slade, as well as the mystery boss.
    Slade's plot is tied into the main plot early on, so you can expect to see him eventually, but the mystery boss will only be revealed a little late in the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    I hope the whole 'Dad's a refugee' thing will tie in well (perhaps to explain why the main character leaves him til fifth to beat).
    It will, don't you worry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Kudos on getting Mudkip, the unquestionable badass (I know love you for that) - the region's now much simpler than getting, I dunno, a Treeko.
    The Hoenn starters are all pretty cool, but it seems kinda cliche to me to see females starting with Torchic all the time. So I gave Hazel Mudkip, because I love Mudkip, and I made him bad*ss as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    This whole tax thing seems rather complicated, as well as the governmental system, but to me that helps with us relating as to why Norman found it so hard to pay his taxes.
    Speaking of taxes, the crazy tax officials should be showing up eventually ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Me thinks the League are being a bit too harsh though - didn't they blow off the taxes then suddenly, without giving any time for Norman to pay them, just banned him from training. On top of this, when he escapes a team is sent to track him down....Well....
    The thing is, Norman's been not-paying them for a while now, only the League was preoccupied with the Mafia. But once Lance - who's an idiot - became the Champion, he became a lot more nitpicky about small fry like that. And Lance, once again being an idiot, sent a team of said crazy tax officials after Norman.

    Oh wait. I spoiled the plot. Well, not like we all didn't see that coming ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    I love the voice you do this through - Hazel is hilariously witty and vocal (particularly when adding Rikuya's voice) - I can't wait to see more of her.
    Thank you! Hazel is my first female protagonist, and I'm working my *ss off to try and make her feel realistic. And she'll be filling in Rikuya's voice a lot, since he's on his vow of silence ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Scaldaver View Post
    Overall, I have absolutely fallen for this fic, but it does unfortunately pose me one difficult question - whether this can be classed as 'original' for the Fanfiction nominations! Keep up the good work!
    Glad to hear it! Too bad it couldn't be nominated for the 2012 Awards, though ...

    And finally, I'll leave y'all with a note that Chapter 2 has been amended in general. The conversation between Angie and Hazel has been revamped, since that bit was particularly nitpicked at. Now go forth and find new nits to pick!

    ~Deadly
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  3. #28
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    A burst of white light streamed out as the ball swung open on its hinges, taking the form of a small, blue ... thing? It looked oddly like a cross between a lizard and a frog, with a large and spiky fin on its head in the style of a mohawk, two orange star-shaped fins on its cheeks, and yet another translucent, wet-looking fin as a tail.
    I hope all your pokemon descriptions are like this! Mudkip does look nothing like a Mudskipper.

    "Shall we approve the motion?" Lance enquired. "We'll simply have an informal show of hands for this ingenious solution. All those in favour, raise hands."
    I'm not sure about this. Lance's choice of words don't really tie in too well with the personality you've given him. Other than that, this scene was perfect.

    All in all, I loved this chapter, the humour didn't seem strained and the descriptions were great. Looking forward to future chapters!

  4. #29
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    Well, after reading this, I have to say that I'm inclined to agree with the posts above. This story is marvelous.

    Now, as I've already made my views of the previous chapters known, I'll stick to the most recent chapter.

    I enjoyed how you portrayed the battle between the Mudkip and the Zigzagoon. Professor Birch is an interesting man. Norman claimed Elm was odd, but I'm certain that Birch is even worse.

    Anyways, we didn't see too much of Rikuya this time around, but I'm sure that'll change with future chapters.

    I'm intrigued to see what Hazel will decide to do now that she has the Mudkip. She has already told her father that she wasn't interested in a journey, so it'll be fun to see how she'll get roped into it.

    Also, the Kanto and Johto League. They obviously aren't happy with Norman, and I'm deeply worried at who these agents might be.

    Keep up the good work, Deadly.

    Knightfall signing off...

  5. #30
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    Add me to the PM list, plox. This is a great fic you got goin' on here.

    Edit: I shall post my first proper review with your next chapter btw.
    Last edited by Colt45; 22nd February 2013 at 7:31 AM.
    I can smell u

  6. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Well, after reading this, I have to say that I'm inclined to agree with the posts above. This story is marvelous.
    Thanks! Glad you think that way

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    I enjoyed how you portrayed the battle between the Mudkip and the Zigzagoon.
    Battle? What battle? All they did was stare at each other ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Professor Birch is an interesting man. Norman claimed Elm was odd, but I'm certain that Birch is even worse.
    My version of Birch isn't the smoothest key on the board :P Yeah, he knows his stuff, but not much else.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Anyways, we didn't see too much of Rikuya this time around, but I'm sure that'll change with future chapters.
    Don't expect him to hang around too much: he's the male human lead, but Hazel will still hold that coveted title of protagonist.

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    I'm intrigued to see what Hazel will decide to do now that she has the Mudkip. She has already told her father that she wasn't interested in a journey, so it'll be fun to see how she'll get roped into it.
    Who said she's going on a journey? Hehe ... oh wait. I did. Damn.
    Anyway, yeah. She's going to have to get along with Mudkip ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Also, the Kanto and Johto League. They obviously aren't happy with Norman, and I'm deeply worried at who these agents might be.
    It's the URR, actually. Kanto and Johto are two 'regions' in one 'country', while Hoenn is a single 'region' in a country. It's like how Australia is a country in the continent of Australia. Or something like that.
    And those agents are, in fact, the crazed tax collectors I mentioned in the summary. They'll be getting an official 'team name' soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Colt45 View Post
    Add me to the PM list, plox. This is a great fic you got goin' on here.
    Thank you! And added.

    Quote Originally Posted by Colt45 View Post
    I shall post my first proper review with your next chapter btw.
    Sure, don't worry, it'll be up soon enough. Maybe even later today?

    Also, the story now has a snazzy banner by yours truly I truly am multi-talented. The background image was found on the 'Weather Trio' article on Bulbapedia and the Hazel and Rikuya sprites are 80% scratched onto bases of NPCs from Black and White. So that'll be sigged right now!

    Later then!

    ~Deadly
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  7. #32
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    I loved the prologue! It was great I likes all the references you made, even with a character like Norman (not one of my favourites) you still managed to make me enjoy it the description was too noch especially when describing hoenn but then I read the next chapter and I I'm honest with you I didn't like it as much I know you were just introducing Hazel but I just found it so boring, she's a great character, abit too sarcastic sometimes but thinking about it now I have no idea what she looks like, I mean you said she has chocolate hair like her mothers and a complexion like Normans but I just can't imagine it I don't know, anyway it was all nicely written especially the prologue so well done ))
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    I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.

  9. #34
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    WHY did I not read this sooner? This is definitely one of the best fan-fics i have ever read. The pop culture references, the language that only a teenager could use. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. 11/10 rating. Excellent. I can't think of any words to describe this. OMFG (Oh my friendly Gyarados)!

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    Quote Originally Posted by deh74 View Post
    I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.
    Don't you mean Hazel got flipped off by a Mudkip? I don't think the Mudkip flipped her over
    I can smell u

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    That would have been cool too though...

  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    I loved the prologue! It was great I likes all the references you made, even with a character like Norman (not one of my favourites) you still managed to make me enjoy it
    Thank you! Hehe. I actually try to screw with everyone's expectations of the characters. For example, in my story, Lance - who is usually portrayed as being brave, noble and the stereotypical knight-in-shining armour - has a huge ego and is generally an idiot.

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    the description was too noch especially when describing hoenn
    I assume you typo'ed there, and it's meant to be 'top notch'. Thank you

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    I know you were just introducing Hazel but I just found it so boring, she's a great character, abit too sarcastic sometimes but thinking about it now I have no idea what she looks like, I mean you said she has chocolate hair like her mothers and a complexion like Normans but I just can't imagine it
    Oh my God. I just realised you're completely right, I have epic-failed to describe Hazel except for her 'facial features'. I'll go and edit everything into the next chapter right now. Thank you for pointing out such an incredibly huge oversight on my part. Everyone, I am so sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyLady View Post
    I don't know, anyway it was all nicely written especially the prologue so well done
    Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by deh74 View Post
    I like this very much. I especially loved how hazel got flipped off a mudkip . I also have a guess as too what fenrir ie us.
    Hehe, that's going to be one of Mudkip's defining traits. And I'm curious to know what you think Fenrir is - although I doubt it's correct. I purposefully avoided describing him in detail so as to leave that in mystery

    Quote Originally Posted by master3019 View Post
    WHY did I not read this sooner? This is definitely one of the best fan-fics i have ever read.
    And, with this review, we are off to a brilliant start

    Quote Originally Posted by master3019 View Post
    The pop culture references, the language that only a teenager could use.
    There's a perfectly good explanation for that. I'm a teenager myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by master3019 View Post
    OMFG (Oh my friendly Gyarados)!
    Thank you so much, and I LOL'd so hard at that!

    Quote Originally Posted by Colt45 View Post
    Don't you mean Hazel got flipped off by a Mudkip? I don't think the Mudkip flipped her over
    Hmm, it's definitely a possibility :P Nah, just joking.

    Quote Originally Posted by deh74 View Post
    That would have been cool too though...
    You're right, it would.

    The next chapter is horrendously off-schedule (I plan on trying to update twice a week when possible) so please forgive me for that. I'll try and get it up today.

    ~Deadly
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 24th February 2013 at 11:21 AM.
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  13. #38
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    "Hehe, that's going to be one of Mudkip's defining traits.
    And I'm curious to know what you think Fenrir is -although I doubt it's correct. I purposefully avoided
    describing him in detail so as to leave that in mystery"
    POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!
    is it zoroark?

  14. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by deh74 View Post
    POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT!
    is it zoroark?
    No, you're wrong there. And there are spoiler-tags, you know. Like this

    [*SPOILER=whatever you want to caption it]insert text here[/*SPOILER]

    Without asterisks, it becomes:

        Spoiler:- whatever you want to caption it:


    FF.Net is screwing with me, so it might be awhile before this chapter goes up there. Sorry for the long wait, and it's slightly on the short side - and yet again, not much happens ... Damn, I'm making it sound bad.

    Here it is finally:

    Chapter Four brings with it a fight, a mysterious duo, and a lab!




    hoenn reborn
    (the remakes that R/S/E deserved)

    / Chapter Four /
    "Of Mudkip and Men"



    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 6:30 PM; present day

    Hazel looked like the walking dead - or, more accurately or and far more believably, like a sleepwalker. Understandable, considering she'd had an extremely unusual day, including such activities as being thrown into a moving van, meeting a guy who refused to speak to her (or, for that matter, anyone), and receiving an extremely rude gesture from an I-don't-even-know-what-it-is Pokemon. Then, after all that, she'd come home and found that Norman was home, as promised. She remembered going upstairs and having a long, hot shower, and then sitting on the stairs and listen to Norman and Angie argue over her.

    "You can't do this to her, Norman," Angie had said. She'd heard this and stopped in her tracks, knowing that they were talking about her. When they fought, it was always about her.

    "It's just for a while," her father had replied placatingly. "Until I earn enough money to pay everything off. I'm sure we should be fine. The League's tax laws are pretty lenient, they'll let us off with a warning if we pay the taxes off now."

    "And how," her mother had said, raising her voice, "do you intend to pay it all off? This came in the mail earlier today, Norman." Hazel couldn't see, but she could imagine Angie handing Norman an envelope, Norman pulling out a letter, his lips moving soundlessly as he read.

    Norman had been silent for a minute. Then he said, "Let them come. Let them send the goddamn Elites themselves after me! What the hell is this? They're sending goddamn tax officials after me? I'll whip their asses all the way to hell if they come within six feet of me!" His raging rant died down as fast as it had began, and his voice was gentle once more. He does that a lot, Hazel noticed. "Look, I've got a decent job here. Birch got my credentials through to the League so that my application was approved. I'm a Gym Leader here and a damn good one at that." It wasn't overconfidence; it was simply the truth. Hazel had seen her father battle in Mahogany. His old Sneasel, Freeze (Norman had never been particularly imaginative when it came to nicknames), had decimated one challenger's team of four Pokemon, all fully evolved, one a Fire-type, without taking more damage then a few scratches. The challenger's Rapidash, on the other hand, had broken its leg by slipping on the frozen battlefield.

    Hazel had heard nothing for a while, until Norman spoke again. "Look, over the next few weeks, they'll be sorting out the paperwork. I tried getting the Ice-type, but it's off-limits because one of the Elites specialises in it, so I settled for Normal. This region has some good ones, I hear - and once I'm done training up my various teams, I'll be officially sworn in to the League. That'll be a little later - maybe two weeks, maybe a month. Then I'll be able to start earning, and I can make enough within a year or two to pay it all back. We can manage here until then. Right?"

    At this point, she'd heard a muffled sob, and decided to stay in her room until dinner.


    Saffron City Airport, Kanto ~ 7:00 PM

    "Attention, all passengers on Flight 19683, going Saffron, URR to Petalburg, Hoenn," the voice over the PA systems blared. "The boarding gates are now open."

    "Finally!" exclaimed a woman, sitting in the waiting area. She turned to shake her companion awake; the man snored a bit before rousing himself. The couple attracted some attention due to their odd looks. Both were dressed in monochrome formal attire, but that wasn't the strangest thing about them. The man wore a black tuxedo, black trousers, and a black tie, with black aviator sunglasses, tinted so as to almost be opaque; on the other hand, his hair was as white as a cloud, cut and gelled into a small cloud of spines. It was impossible to discern his age despite his hair; he could have been twenty-five just as easily as a hundred and three, but his posture and the slight, stubbly remnants of a beard shaved off recently suggested he was in his late thirties. The woman, on the other hand, wore a short, snow-white cocktail dress and stockings, her feet enclosed in stilettos and a necklace with a single pearl hanging on her neck. Her eyes were a cold and dead grey, and her hair was so black that it would shame the darkest raven. She had the beauty of an icy queen, elegant, and able to have you beheaded in seconds on a whim. She, too, looked somewhat ageless, a stern goddess in modern times; but an observant fashionista would note that her style was of a young woman, barely halfway through her twenties but yet dressing as an older woman. If they were characters in a suspense thriller, they would be labelled 'the Man in Black' and the 'Woman in White'.

    The duo stood and hurried to the boarding gate, occupying the first class queue. As they walked out of the airport and into the connecting tube, the Woman in White asked her partner, "Have you received your mission-specific Pokemon?"

    The Man nodded, lifting his coat slightly to reveal a small belt with six small magnetic-lock slots to hold PokeBalls. Two were occupied by the standard red-and-white variety. The third held a differently-coloured PokeBall, black in colour with small green circular markings on it and a red switch; this was the one he had received recently. "What's in it, anyway?" he asked, his voice deep and thick.

    "A powerful Pokemon not native to the URR or Hoenn," the Woman said. "Use it only if the target resists and proves to be difficult to subdue in a Pokemon battle. It's quite rare, and you should probably see no need to use it if all goes according to plan."

    "Where's yours?" the Man said suspciously. This was the first time he was working with a Kantonian, and, to top it off, she wasn't just a taxation official like him. His boss had told him nothing except that she was a high-ranking 'agent' from Kanto - agent of what, he refused to say. But the Man had his doubts: he'd seen the small tattoo of a coiled snake - a viper - on her left wrist. He knew exactly what it meant, and if she was who he thought she was, he had every right to fear for his life in the event that they failed the mission.

    "Mine?" The Woman in White giggled gently; the first expression of emotion he'd seen her display all evening. "I'm a veteran agent. I don't need special Pokemon. I can do all right with just mine."

    I bet you can, thought the Man in Black grimly. I bet you can.



    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 9:30 AM

    Hazel awoke blearily to the unwelcome sight of a Mudkip on her belly chewing what looked suspiciously like a pillow. Reacting as any sane person would, she swatted at the amphibian with a shriek, sending it tumbling to the floor. Mudkip gave her a reproachful look, picking itself up and dusting itself off.

    "How did you get out of your PokeBall?" she demanded. The Mudkip simply flicked its fin at her. "Huh, you can't talk, right? Well, you better stay in there from now on!" She dug into the pockets of the jeans she'd been wearing earlier and withdrew Mudkip's PokeBall. Switching it to the off mode caused Mudkip to transform into a glowing blob of energy, which was subsequently absorbed into the interior of the PokeBall.

    Hazel dressed quickly, wearing a long red sleeveless T-shirt and black shorts. "I gotta go return you, huh?" she grumbled at the PokeBall. "Well, whatever."

    After having some cereal for breakfast, Hazel retrieved Mudkip's PokeBall and slipped it into the waist-bag she always carried. Looking around, she found her mother in the kitchen. "Hey Mom," the brunette said. "I need to go give Professor Birch his Mudkip back. I told you yesterday, right?"

    "I remember," Angie said. "Just a sec, I'll tell you where his lab is ..."



    It took Hazel just a few minutes to find Birch's lab. Angie had said it was a big white building, and Birch's office would be on the second floor. What Angie hadn't said was that it would be a dump.
    Birch's office was cramped and claustrophobic. Stacks of books teeteered precariously on small creaky tables, and the bookshelves on the wall held PokeBalls instead. Tangled computer cables slithered across the floor. Bulky cathode-ray tube monitors sat on empty filing cabinets. Birch's bag was lying on a chair, and the man himself was perched on a beanbag, lazily helping himself to a cup of coffee while reading a celebrity gossip magazine.

    "Hey, Professor," Hazel said loudly. Startled, the man looked up, almost spilling coffee on himself. He was dressed in a dirty lab coat and short cargo pants that disclosed the unpleasant sight of his hairy legs.

    "Hazel, isn't it?" Birch said, not bothering to greet her. He put down the mug and magazine, and walked over to her. At full height, he was close to five feet and eight inches or so, just about as tall as Hazel herself. "What can I do for you?”

    "You can have your Pokemon back." Hazel pulled out the PokeBall, and Birch hit the switch, sending out Mudkip. The amphibian licked its paw like a cat, giving Birch a look. If looks could kill and Birch was a cat, he'd be as alive as Hitler, which is to say, not at all.

    "Huh?" Birch looked surprised at Mudkip's expression. "Looks like Doug here really likes you."

    "What?!" Both Mudkip and Hazel were horrified. "You can't be serious! He gave me the finger!" Hazel cried. Mudkip proceeded to do it again, this time to Birch.

    "Perhaps it was a display of affection in Mudkip terms?" Birch said thoughtfully, oblivious to Mudkip's scathing look. "Anyway, Mudkip are a rare species. I found Doug in a swamp in the wilderness a couple of months ago. He seems kind of unhappy here with me, so I've been looking for someone to adopt him, but strangely, everyone who wanted to at first came back and said they changed their mind after two days with him." He scratched his beard. "I wonder why."

    "Whatever! I'm not taking this ... thing!"

    Birch snapped his fingers, ignoring Hazel. "You know what? You're sixteen, right? You could get a trainer's license by now! I bet you'd have it by the end of graduation if you applied."

    Hazel shook her head vehemently. "No. Freakin'. Way. I am not becoming a trainer. Seriously, who goes backpacking around countries to train Pokemon? And, for the record, I have graduated."

    Birch seemed to wilt a little. "Really? Every kid dreams of being a trainer."

    "Not me," Hazel said. "I'm gonna be a software developer. Y'know, like the Pokemon Storage Box System."

    "That was developed for trainers to use," Birch said. "Why not be a trainer? You know you want to ..."

    "Seriously," Hazel groaned. "I'm not being a trainer. Now have your Mudkip, and just let me go!"

    "I'll give you three thousand bucks if you apply for a trainer's license," Birch said desperately.

    Hazel, who was walking away, stopped. "Three thousand?!" she asked, turning slowly. "Why the hell would you do something like that?"

    Birch sighed in relief. "You want to be a software dev, right?" he said. "You'll need to go to a decent college somewhere. And I doubt you'll be able to do that here. Software developing is practically non-existent in Hoenn, so you'll have to go abroad. That'll ramp up the expenses a whole lot, unless your parents move back to Johto - and that's probably not happening anytime soon. So why not build up some money here in Hoenn as a trainer? In battles, you know both sides stake some money on a win, right? Well, training gives good money that way. You'll need the three hundred for applying for the license and for your first couple of battles in case you lose."

    Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Why are you doing this anyway? To get me to take your Mudkip?"

    "Uh ... would'ya believe me if I said yes?"

    Hazel groaned. "Whatever. You do have a point. Anyway, I'll consider it. But here's your Mudkip." She handed him the PokeBall, and left, leaving Birch to look worriedly at her.

        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 3rd May 2013 at 4:36 PM.
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  15. #40
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    Cool Right, Review le Next!

    Let's start this party!

    Firstly, the grammar mix-ups!

    in an unconvincing effort to look threating.
    That last word is threatening.

    Birch shrugged. "I don't know! Look, girl ... Actually, why am I still here? Those Zigzagoon aren't on me anymore, so I can go. Oh, and if you want a reward, drop by my laboratory tomorrow!" And with that, he gathered up his bag and the remaining two PokeBalls (leaving behind Mudkip's PokeBall) fled, jogging as fast as he could (which was slightly faster than the average snail on steroids).
    So much for the most athletic Pokemon professor of the lot... well, after gettin attacked by rabid (?) Zigzagoon, I guess I'd be hobbling away, too.

    "You know, Mudkip," Hazel said. "There's no point in battling any - huh?" For Mudkip was now walking away from the fight, its Mohawk standing proud and straight in the gentle breeze, leaving behind it a collapsed heap of fur and dust that had more in common with roadkill than Zigzagoon. "Wow, that's cool. You actually won the fight while I was talking to that old man?"

    In response, the blue whatever-it-was raised its three-toed paw up and put two of its toes down.
    Whey hey and up she rises, early in the morning... :P

    So, the first Pokemon is obtained, and what a Pokemon it was! The URR don't seem to be so easily deterred, do they? I mean, sure Norman may be a cheapskate, but those guys just do NOT give up! (and with that, that particular plot thickens once again.)

    Oh, and yes, me liek mudkipz. :P Torchics aren't bad either, but mudkipz for the winz. (Can't be serious all the way, can I?)

    Now, the hijinks are getting interesting... keep them coming!

    And you just post Chapter Four. Convenient...

    "Perhaps it was a display of affection in Mudkip terms?" Birch said thoughtfully, oblivious to Mudkip's scathing look. "Anyway, Mudkip are a rare species. I found Doug in a swamp in the wilderness a couple of months ago. He seems kind of unhappy here with me, so I've been looking for someone to adopt him, but strangely, everyone who wanted to at first came back and said they changed their mind after two days with him." He scratched his beard. "I wonder why."
    Seriously? How did you get your Professorship again, Birch? O.o

    "Whatever! I'm not taking this ... thing!"

    Birch snapped his fingers, ignoring Hazel. "You know what? You're sixteen, right? You could get a trainer's license by now! I bet you'd have it by the end of graduation if you applied."

    Hazel shook her head vehemently. "No. Freakin'. Way. I am not becoming a trainer. Seriously, who goes backpacking around countries to train Pokemon? And, for the record, I have graduated."

    Birch seemed to wilt a little. "Really? Every kid dreams of being a trainer."
    Way to amp up the stereotype... :P

    "That was developed for trainers to use," Birch said. "Why not be a trainer? You know you want to?"
    Hmm... somehow, based on the context, I don't think that second question is meant to be a question. Birch is trying to be cajoling, convince Hazel here, right? Maybe an ellipsis can portray him trailing off the statement hopefully in a better sense than the question mark.

    "Seriously," Hazel groaned. "I'm not being a trainer. Now have your Mudkip, and just let me go!"
    "I'll give you three thousand bucks if you apply for a trainer's license," Birch said desperately.
    Hazel, who was walking away, stopped. "Three thousand?!" she asked, turning slowly. "Why the hell would you do something like that?"
    Yeah, Birch... why would you? (smirks) On a slightly more serious note, why didn't he just dump "Doug" onto Rikuya instead of swearing the poor kid to silence? That would have been a better usage of winning a bet to me...

    Hazel raised her eyebrows. "Why are you doing this anyway? To get me to take your Mudkip?"

    "Uh ... would'ya believe me if I said yes?"
    You wonder why no one wants him, hunh? Three thousand bucks says you're lying.

    This is getting interesting. And the way you "explain" idiosyncracies in the series, like giving Pokemon to random youth, they having a start-up fund, and how they get in the back of the truck are explained wonderfully. Plus, they're funny as hell to read. :P

    I am enjoying this. Immensely.

    L@er!
    Last edited by Air Dragon; 25th February 2013 at 12:38 PM.
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  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    That last word is threatening.
    Gah. My first misspelling in the whole story so far, I think.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Whey hey and up she rises, early in the morning... :P
    I see what you did there ... Hey wait! I love that game

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    So, the first Pokemon is obtained, and what a Pokemon it was! The URR don't seem to be so easily deterred, do they? I mean, sure Norman may be a cheapskate, but those guys just do NOT give up! (and with that, that particular plot thickens once again.)
    Hehe, 'Doug' rocks, don't he?
    Yes, it does. Now to find a way to make sure the Norman subplot leads into Hazel. *rubs hands*

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Oh, and yes, me liek mudkipz. :P Torchics aren't bad either, but mudkipz for the winz.
    Mudkip was my starter in the first game of Ruby I ever played, so I have a soft spot for them - despite the meme. Also, most of the female R/S/E protagonists (Sapphire, May from the anime, May from Pebble Version webcomics, May from Hoenn League: A Brendan and May Adventure) have Torchic, so I wanted to mix stuff up a little.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    And you just post Chapter Four.
    Ninja'd!

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Seriously? How did you get your Professorship again, Birch? O.o
    One word: eBay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Hmm... somehow, based on the context, I don't think that second question is meant to be a question.
    Gah, you're right there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    On a slightly more serious note, why didn't he just dump "Doug" onto Rikuya instead of swearing the poor kid to silence? That would have been a better usage of winning a bet to me...
    Rikuya has his own Pokemon - the PokeBall in his room was occupied, remember? But you're right, that would have, only that would have given Hazel a Treecko. And seems to me like Treecko would suit better to Rikuya.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    This is getting interesting. And the way you "explain" idiosyncracies in the series, like giving Pokemon to random youth, they having a start-up fund, and how they get in the back of the truck are explained wonderfully. Plus, they're funny as hell to read. :P
    That's going to be a recurring theme: explaining all the bullsh*t GameFreak made up. And I'm glad the humour's better now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    I am enjoying this. Immensely.
    Hehe, awesome. Good to know.

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  17. #42
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    Brilliant stuff, I really love your examples of showing and not telling. R/S/E really does deserve remakes though.


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    Well, a Hoenn fic. Haven't seen those in a long time.

    From what's been written so far, it's looking pretty good. I'll put up a proper review in a while, when I have more time.

    Good luck with the nest chapter.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChloboShoka View Post
    Brilliant stuff, I really love your examples of showing and not telling. R/S/E really does deserve remakes though.
    Thank you! And yes, they absolutely do.

    Quote Originally Posted by xXPorygonXx View Post
    From what's been written so far, it's looking pretty good. I'll put up a proper review in a while, when I have more time.

    Good luck with the nest chapter.
    Thank you, I'll look forward to that.

    Next chapter coming soon, I promise! And I'm trying to settle into a weekly update schedule rather than twice a week, since that gives me more time to write better quality chapters, edit and proofread better and simply do more in general. Also, I'm looking for a beta or proof reader for this very story to catch any typos or OOC behavior to be edited. Anyone interested? Please contact me via PM if the answer is yes.

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    Sorry for the long wait, but here it is finally!

    Chapter Five brings with it a speech, a battle, and the unexpected appearance of new characters!




    hoenn reborn
    (the remakes that R/S/E deserved)

    / Chapter Five /
    "so i herd u batle PKMN TRAINERZ?"




    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 11 AM; three days later

    It had taken a few days, but finally Hazel had conceded that Birch had a point. There was no use waiting for her parents to get enough money to move back just so that she could attend college. And besides, sixteen was a good age to start out as a trainer. Ten was the minimum age to apply for a trainer's license, but most applicants below fourteen were rejected unless they came from a 'trainer background' (basically meaning that two or more of their close relatives were trainers with a license of Rank Two or above) or were able to provide proof that they had passed all the required tests to be a trainer - basically meaning that anyone below fourteeen with an official trainer's license was either blue-blooded (so to speak) or a prodigy. Sixteen was the recommended age to begin training, according to the governments of most Trainer Nations. They were old enough to pursue training as either a hobby or a career, mature enough to be competent trainers, and young enough to learn the necessary skills.

    The money was another point the professor had made, and it was relevant. Hazel had no allowance - Norman had been willing to pay for most of the stuff she wanted - rendering her effectively penniless. And, being a rebellious teenager and all that, she wanted independence of finance, freedom to earn, whatever you want to call it. She also doubted Norman would be able to pay for college in time for her to seek admission from one. And time. She had to find some way of killing time while Norman earned enough to repay his taxes. If she wanted to make enough money to go to college all by herself, she would probably need a good six months or so, at the very least.

    In the end, Hazel had marched up to Angie and said, "I want to go on the League circuit."

    Once Angie and Norman were convinced she was serious, there had been the matter of her getting a Pokemon. Norman was about to suggest Hazel get a Zigzagoon - which she wouldn't mind, considering her other option - when, by a twist of fate, Professor Birch popped in to ask if Hazel wanted 'her Mudkip' back yet. This of course led to Norman and Angie siding with Birch - the former enthusiastically ranted on and on about how rare Mudkip were, and how lucky Hazel would be to get one.

    So it was that Hazel Ruby now found herself in Birch's office yet again. This time, the office was slightly cleaner due to the absence of coffee cups and moth-eaten beanbags strewn on the floor. Rikuya slouched on Birch's chair, toying with a large white knit hat with fascinatingly large, pointy bits sticking out of the top. Hazel presumed that if he wore it, he'd look like he had long, spiky white hair.

    "Hazel!" the man himself cried, leaning against his desk with a broad grin, looking as though he hadn't just ruined her journey right at the start. "Welcome to the world of - er, no. Wrong speech. Hang on." Birch looked through a few loose sheets on his desk until he found one. "Ah, yes. It must be this one."

    Clearing his throat, the professor began, speaking loudly as though he was addressing a huge auditorium packed to the rafters rather than a small room with two teenagers in it. "Hazel! I've heard so much about you from your father!" He paused for dramatic effect, continuing after a second. "I've heard that you don't have your own Pokemon yet. But the way you battled earlier! You pulled it off with such aplomb!" His beam was that of a man proud to have used the word 'aplomb', despite not having the remotest idea what it meant.

    "I guess you have your father's blood in your veins, after all!" Birch continued, his tone now honeyed with layers of admiration oozing off his tongue like grease from a MacHiavelly's cheeseburger. "So, as thanks for rescuing me and as a Pokemon to begin your journey with, ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Doug!"

    Birch presented Hazel with a PokeBall, which she grudgingly took. As she stuffed it into her pocket, he exclaimed, "I have an idea! While you're at it, why not give Mudkip a nickname?"

    "Uh, doesn't it have one already?" Hazel pointed out. "You just called him Doug."

    "Don't question this," Birch said. "It's a ritual for trainers to nickname their starters."

    "No, it's not."

    "All right." Birch sighed. "He doesn't like the name 'Doug'," he explained. "He won't respond to any commands given if you call him that. You can call him ‘Mudkip’ if you like, but that'll confuse the hell out of you if you battle another trainer with a Mudkip."

    "Um, OK," Hazel muttered. After a second of thought, she pulled Mudkip's PokeBall back out and hit the switch, releasing the antisocial amphibian. "Hey, Mudkip," she said. "How'd you like to be renamed Finn instead?"

    Mudkip - formerly Doug - considered its new name and shrugged.

    "Well, he didn't give the finger," Hazel stated. "So I guess he's OK with it." At this, the newly rechristened Finn twitched its Mohawk-like fin at Hazel. "Hey, no attitude from you," she growled. "Or I rename you ... Zuzu!" She looked on in triumph as Finn flinched at the idea of his 'torture name'. Rikuya, who had been watching Mudkip from the start, snickered.

    "Actually," Birch commented, "you can't legally rename a Pokemon unless you do the necessary legal formalities on the League's website."

    Finn grinned, but Hazel said, "Yeah, like that's gonna stop me from calling him Zuzu anyway." Rikuya laughed again at this, causing Finn to glare at him. The Mudkip ran up to Rikuya and glomped down on his ankle with surprising strength for a small and quite weak Pokemon. Rikuya winced, screwing up his face into an expression of anger and pain, and reached down, yanking away Finn. The two glared angrily at each other. Rikuya dug into his bag, retrieving a single card from his deck, which he then presented to Hazel.

    "'PKMN TRAINER RIKUYA would like to battle!'" Hazel read. "Titling yourself with Pokemon Trainer, using all caps, writing only the consonants of 'Pokemon', and then alternating even those letters between subscript and superscript ... I have no words to describe the extent of your lameness."

    Rikuya simply shrugged, jamming down the white hat on his head, and retrieved a PokeBall from his backpack - at this, Birch intervened. "Hey, kids," he said, sounding a little alarmed. "Take it outside, alright? I have important research in here!"

    I bet you do, thought Hazel, seeing him reach sneakily for the TV remote. She grabbed a decidedly battle-ready Finn in her arms (Note to self, she thought drily, buy leash for the Mudkip) and walked away.

    The teens found that the lawn just outside the lab could serve as a perfectly serviceable arena for their battle, so Hazel let Finn loose, and the Mudkip sprang onto the grass, looking around warily. Rikuya hit the switch on his PokeBall, and, in a burst of light -

    "Holy mother of - what the hell is that?!"

    'That' was a green reptile, its face a short snout over which hovered two lemon-yellow eyes, beady and distrustful. It hopped from one three-toed leg to another. A large green tail, split into two halves that curled at the end, stood stiffly at its back, and its underside and throat were light red. The bipedal lizard's snout curved into a smirk as it observed its target. Rikuya produced a card from his pocket and lifted it up to reveal a few words printed in a large bold font: GEKO THE TREECKO.

    "Imaginative, aren't we?" Hazel snarked, imagining what Rikuya would say if he could speak. Hazel, meet Geko, he'd say loftily. Geko, Hazel. And then, Oh, and Finn. Mustn't forget Finn.

    Hazel snapped out of her daydream on hearing a startled cry of "Kii-ip!" Geko had vanished into the taller shrubs at the far end of the lawn, and had suddenly darted out to catch Finn on the side with a punch before slipping back into the shrubbery.

    "Finn, use ... uh, Tackle!" Hazel commanded. Finn lowered his head and charged, but Geko - who was much more agile - had already evaded the attack, leaping nimbly out of the way. "Keep using Tackle!"

    It didn't seem to be working. Every attack Finn used, Geko dodged, even managing to counterattack with a punch a few times. How does he do it?, Hazel wondered, as the Treecko disappeared back into the shrubbery after Finn had uttered yet another defeated groan. He's not even verbally commanding him. It's like ... the bond between them is so strong, they don't even need words to express it ...

    Wait, what am I thinking? Hazel mentally slapped herself, watching Finn barely avoid one of the reptile's faster attacks. It's definitely not something that sappy, or Treecko would already have evolved - if he even can. Dammit, I know nothing about these Hoenn Pokemon!

    Suddenly, Geko slipped out from behind Finn, landing a punch that actually caused the Mudkip to stumble and fall over backwards. Hazel had seen enough battles on TV to know that Geko had landed a surprise attack more powerful than normal, boosted by a surge of adrenaline - a critical hit. Finn keeled over, exhausted. The battle was over. She'd lost.




    a ship just off the coast of Lilycove ~ 11:10 AM

    "'There is very little one can say on the subject of pirates that has not already been said. It can also be said that there is very little one can say on the subject of pirates that has not already been said and proved wrong. Understandably, any reader observing the preceding sentence would experience considerable befuddlement, especially as' -"

    The pirate looked up from his book. "What in the name of Neptune is this sh*t?"

    "Dunno," said his bulky companion, shrugging. "The boss made it kim - kump - 'impulsory readin', 'e said."

    The pirate sighed and threw The Esteem'd Almanack of Maritime Marauding at the other man, who caught it. "The depths we've sunk to, Matt," he said sadly. "The depths -"

    The brooding of the two pirates was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a tall, dark stranger at the door of the cabin. Flinching as though he'd been slapped, the first pirate jumped to his feet, kicking away the chair he'd been sitting on, while Matt saluted the stranger.

    "Er, hello, boss," the first man stuttered. "We - we were j-just reading -"

    "I do not," said the stranger, "want your foolish explanations. I want to know why we are still here and have not already disembarked." His tone was bored and his accent exotic, each word a soft hiss.

    "Diss-what?" Matt's face was blank, and he looked more like a bodybuilder counting money than a pirate.

    "Disembarked," the stranger snarled. "Dis. Em. Barked."

    "This who barked?"

    At this, the stranger gave up, bemoaning his fate, and snapped, "Why haven't we left?"

    "We're waiting on two more of the crew, boss," said the first pirate.

    "Why aren't they here yet?" hissed the stranger angrily. "We should have raised anchor half an hour ago!"

    "I think," Matt said slowly - thinking was not one of his strong points, "that those be 'em comin' up there."

    The boss let out a long, sibilant breath in the manner of one who has finally received that puppy he always wanted for Christmas, and stalked away, no doubt to rebuke the latecomers. If this had been the opening scene of a movie - the fact remains that it is not the opening scene of a movie, however, and so these following lines are unnecessary. But all the same, if this was a movie, at this point the camera would have followed the boss out of the dark, cramped cabin, leading into the bright sunlight over the open seas. The camera would spiral around the boss, revealing that the black formal jacket he wore was indeed an Armani, that he kept the buttons open purposely so as to reveal muscular and slightly hairy pectorals and that he wore a small pendant around his neck, one with a small charm in a stylised shape - a charm made out of real Corsola bone.

    It would continue spiralling around him, zooming out as it did to reveal that he stood on the deck of a magnificent modern-day recreation of a double-decked, triple-masted sixteenth-century galleon, with a stainless steel hull, canvas sails and fifty menacing guns, with the deck teeming with a crew of fifty or so men - and a handful of women as well - all dressed in black-and-white striped shirts and blue pants, with blue cloths tied around their heads. As the camera spiralled up, it would zoom in on a crewman at the crow's nest, revealing a strange mark on the cloth he wore on his head. It would pan around his spyglass and reveal that above him flew a black flag, one on which was emblazoned the very same strange mark: the same shape that was worn as a pendant around the tall, dark stranger's neck. A circle with a spike on the top of it, and two small protrusions emerging diagonally from the bottom right and left sides of the circle. It was a capital letter 'A', but reminiscent of a skull-and-crossbones insignia - the modern-day Jolly Roger.

    It was the Pirate's Brand, and it was borne by a ship of pirates; it was the flag of the Black Lady Aqua.



        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 6th May 2013 at 9:51 AM.
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  21. #46
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    I like this story. (HURR, I am original!)

    Anyways, This story is funny and great. I can see why people loved it a lot.

    I have to say one thing. Rikuya's hat looks quite weird. I think it would be funny if people thinks that Rikuya is a hippy or some guy-with-an-odd-white-thingy-on-his-head.

    I imagine an old person would say 'Kids these days and their hippy dippy things on their heads, and their unimaginative named Treeko!' if they saw Rikuya.

    But, I leave it out to you. I hope you don't find this offensive. And I hope that I didn't offend any hipsters around here.

    So Dormant signing off..
    Last edited by Dormant; 7th March 2013 at 1:04 PM.


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    Oh that demented Weedle... The trouble it caused...
    Anyway, sorry for the wait but you have added more brilliant chapters! I especially liked the character you built for Birch and Doug... Sorry Finn. I also liked the battle, albeit the short one- but hey these are weak pokemon ad that was a critical hit. Sadly, i'm short of time and will be for some time so i will do some more deep responding later, but not for a while. Good chapters, keep it up!
    Everything seems normal, with Joe and Adam venturing on their quest through Kanto, but what is the mysterious Team Storm planning?

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    Like infernape100, I'm sorry for the long wait! And now that I'm here...


    ...I have literally nothing to comment about! This was as good as the others, from Rikuya and Geko totally stomping Hazel and Finn (cool nickname, by the way) to the introduction of the Black Lady Aqua (man, how do those crew members function? O.O)

    Oh, wait! One curiosity!

    The Mudkip ran up to Rikuya and glomped down on his ankle with surprising strength for a small and quite weak Pokemon.
    I dunno, but the word glomped does seem a bit out of place to me. How was the Mudkip able to full-out body hug Rikuya's ankle so hard that it hurt? Unless the Mudkip's jaws did the glomping? In which case, I'm glad Finn isn't a Totodile. Rikuya wouldn't be able to walk away from that...

    OK, that's about it, I reckon! Til next chapter!

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  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    Anyways, This story is funny and great. I can see why people loved it a lot.
    Thanks a lot!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    I have to say one thing. Rikuya's hat looks quite weird. I think it would be funny if people thinks that Rikuya is a hippy or some guy-with-an-odd-white-thingy-on-his-head.

    I imagine an old person would say 'Kids these days and their hippy dippy things on their heads, and their unimaginative named Treeko!' if they saw Rikuya.
    Rikuya's hat is based off the one the male playable character wears in the third gen. Heh, you're right, that would be funny!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dormant View Post
    So Dormant signing off..
    That reminds me of Knightfall's sign-off ...

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Oh that demented Weedle... The trouble it caused...
    You don't know the half of it. I imagine the Porsche was named Martin. [SPOILER]That's a reference to the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.[/SPOILER]

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    I also liked the battle, albeit the short one- but hey these are weak pokemon ad that was a critical hit.
    The first couple of low-level battles are always hard to Tackle. Sorry, couldn't resist that bad pun XD later battles, though, they'll be more tense than this one ...

    Quote Originally Posted by infernape100 View Post
    Sadly, i'm short of time and will be for some time so i will do some more deep responding later, but not for a while. Good chapters, keep it up!
    That's too bad. Lookin' forward to it! And I definitely will.

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    This was as good as the others, from Rikuya and Geko totally stomping Hazel and Finn (cool nickname, by the way) to the introduction of the Black Lady Aqua (man, how do those crew members function? O.O)
    Finn was the first nickname I thought of, and it took awhile. Geko took even more time. Originally, I thought about Salazar (a Harry Potter reference), but that didn't sound right for a Treecko ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    I dunno, but the word glomped does seem a bit out of place to me. How was the Mudkip able to full-out body hug Rikuya's ankle so hard that it hurt? Unless the Mudkip's jaws did the glomping? In which case, I'm glad Finn isn't a Totodile. Rikuya wouldn't be able to walk away from that...

    Damn, my bad. I thought glomped always meant jaw-type-glomping. Doesn't help that it sounds like 'chomp'. And yeah, Finn was so pissed he decided to snack on some Rikuya legs XD if he was a Totodile, Rikuya probably wouldn't be able to walk away from anything.

    My updates are, unfortunately, going to get a little less frequent from now on. I'm back in school, so I've got stuff to do, and my new resolution to treadmill a couple of kilometres every day eats up a little more time. But, oh well, life sucks sometimes.

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    Sorry for the double post, but I felt the need to mention two things.

    One: I have not given up on this story. Rather, I went through writer's block, but I am glad to say I have gotten over it now. Chapter 6 is complete and will arrive Saturday at the latest.

    Two: The rating has been updated. It's still PG-13, but I've added 'semi-frequent strong swearing' to the content list, because I decided to throw a new character into the mix who requires this warning to be added. Any chapters that contain strong language will come with a warning.

    ~Deadly
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 19th April 2013 at 9:42 AM.
    Shoot Confirmed.


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