Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 51 to 68 of 68

Thread: Hoenn Reborn: the remakes R/S/E deserved

  1. #51
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Boston, MA/ Stuttgart, DE
    Posts
    419

    Default

    Yay it lives! Am I on the pm list yet? Of not I'd like to be please.

    Hey, you! Yeah, you! No, not you in front, you there who likes pokémon. Do you like the animé? Do you ever think you'd like to use pokémon and battle like they do in the show?
    Look no further than the
    Pokémon Animé Style Battling League!
    Come say hello in our Time Out thread and we'll get you started on a wonderful adventure. Training pokémon, fighting Gym Leaders, maybe even catching a Legendary pokémon? The choice is yours!



  2. #52
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by deh74 View Post
    Yay it lives! Am I on the pm list yet? Of not I'd like to be please.
    OK, you're added!

    Again, I apologise for such a long break, but I was busy with school and the like. Now I have my summer vacation, and so, I'll be able to write more often. Hopefully, Chapter 7 should be out sometime next week. Here it is, the one you've all been waiting for!

    Chapter 6 brings with it a puppy, a blob, and a worm!

    WARNING: Contains two instances of strong swearing.
    Note: Some formatting errors (such as spaces mysteriously appearing at the beginning of some paragraphs) appeared when I c+ped the chapter from Google Drive to Serebii, so please point it out in a reply if you find any such errors.

    hoenn reborn
    (the remakes that R/S/E deserved)

    / Chapter Six /
    "Random Encounters of the Pokemon Kind"




    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 11:30 AM


    “Hazel!” the voice of Professor Birch drifted down to the two teenagers from the raised window of his office. “OK, kids, come back right up. I’ve got something for you.”

    In a few minutes, the two had returned to his office. Birch had set down a small red device on the desk. He picked it up and handed it to Hazel. She examined it, finding it like a small tablet in appearance. It had a joystick, four buttons, and a directional pad.

    “This,” Birch said, pointing to the device, “is a Pokemon Index, an electronic encyclopaedia. It stores data on Pokemon on the PokeDex Project servers. When you encounter a Pokemon, you can use the PokeDex to access the cloud and download the information for future use.”

    “I know these,” Hazel said. “Professor Oak invented them, right?”

    Birch winced. “Yes, he did, but the design and software is now open-source, so the PokeDex project has gone international since then, with his approval. Anyway, we give them out to trainers who seem especially dedicated and promising. Here: this one is for you.” He handed it over to Hazel, and she felt around until she found a small on/off button. Pressing it caused the screen to light up and present an interface not unlike a proper tablet’s. A login screen appeared, giving her two options: ‘new trainer’ or ‘registered trainer’.

    “It’s a touchscreen device as well,” explained Birch, “so touch the option you want and press a button. Anything should do.

    Hazel selected ‘new trainer’ and pressed a button. A form loaded on screen, asking her to enter information, causing her to sigh. “Do I have to fill this out now?”

    “Actually, you can do it at a Pokemon Centre in a town or city if you prefer. The advantage to that is you can get your trainer card in a day instead of waiting forever for the League to mail it to you,” Birch answered.

    “OK, so when can I start?” Hazel asked impatiently.

    “Right away,” Birch said. “Head over to Oldale Town to register yourself as a Pokemon Trainer, and then you’re all set to start your journey!”

    Hazel walked out. As she exited the lab, Rikuya tapped her shoulder. She turned, noticing he was now wearing the white knit cap - it covered his head and made him look like he had spiky white hair. Rikuya handed her a backpack and a card, which read: 'A new journey’s dawn / And here is a gift for you / So do you like it?

    Hazel examined the backpack, finding that it contained five empty PokeBalls, a wallet (also empty) and a MagnetLock PokeBelt™ (‘for quick-access to your balls, anytime!’). She looked up to find his expectant gaze.

    “Thanks,” she said. “But I’m not big on bad haiku - oh, you mean the PokeBalls? Oh, thanks, they’re cool.”

    Rikuya facepalmed.

    “Anyway,” Hazel continued. “I was wondering if maybe you’d, uh, help me out a bit here?”

    He nodded, curious.

    “Yeah, I’m gonna be on my way to Oldale now, and, uh, you seem like a really good trainer. So, could you, like, uh, teach me the basics? Like, how to catch Pokemon, and stuff?” The brunette’s tone was a little embarrassed - the sound of teenage pride being slowly punctured.

    Rikuya looked slightly disappointed, but nodded anyway. He led her out to the backyard and climbed over the fence and onto a small path, where he waited for her to join him. From there, they trekked along for awhile in the suburbs until they reached a small ledge. Rikuya clambered over and led Hazel down. The two stood in the shaded woods, waiting for a wild Pokemon to come along. They were generally found in the tall grass - the kind they were currently in front of - but sometimes, it could take awhile before anything showed up.

    Hazel could imagine Rikuya’s tone if he was speaking. The key to every aspect of training, he’d say - delivering three-time World Champion Greyson Ashley’s famous speech on winning his second World Cup - is patience. You need patience to wait for the right Pokemon to come along. You need patience to time the throw of the PokeBall just right. You need patience to train it to its full potential. You need patience in battle to identify your opponent’s weaknesses. And, last and most importantly - you need patience to listen to this speech. No, seriously. It’s freakin’ long.

    At that very moment, a small black and grey puppy tumbled out of the long grass. Immediately, it rolled to its feet, raised its hackles and snarled. In one swift, fluid movement, Rikuya reached for his PokeBall and hit the switch as he extended his arm, causing an elegant flow of light. The beam shaped itself into the familiar form of Geko the Treecko, who dropped into a low, sneaky-looking fighting stance as he materialised.

    Hazel took out her PokeDex and turned it on. She found an option that said ‘SCAN’ - on touching it, a 3D model of the very same puppy appeared besides its PokeDex entry page.

    “Poochyena, the Bite Pokemon,” the PokeDex read in a mechanical female tone. “Known for being savage and tenacious, it will chase after anything it considers prey. It is omnivorous, and its species is named for its innate characteristic to bite anything that moves.”

    Meanwhile, the battle was already in full swing. The Poochyena charged straight into Geko, who slipped out of the way and struck Poochyena from behind. The puppy snapped at Geko, charging again, but the nimble lizard avoided the attack once more. As though he’d finally decided to take the battle seriously, the Treecko suddenly launched a relentless combination of attacking, dodging, and counter-attacking. The way Geko moved seemed to match a rhythm. Every time he slipped just outside Poochyena’s reach, his body flowed aside, rather than simply moving out of the way. Even his punches were graceful, as though he was a ballet dancer turned world boxing champion.

    Now Hazel understood why Rikuya didn’t need to command Geko. The Treecko moved with its foe, obeying Newton’s Third Law perfectly by matching strike for counter, breaking Poochyena’s defence effortlessly. Even as she looked on, Geko evaded Poochyena’s wild charge and swept its hind leg out from right under it. He followed it up with a punch to the side of the face, timed so as to send the puppy reeling, but carefully controlled in order to keep Poochyena just within his reach.

    Geko executed an uppercut, striking Poochyena’s throat. His opponent whined from the sudden brutality of the move, stumbling, and suddenly there was a PokeBall flying through the air. It sucked the exhausted canine into it, causing an abrupt silence to replace the growls and whines. The PokeBall dropped to the ground, wobbling. Hazel could imagine Poochyena inside, slamming the non-existent doors of its otherworldly prison. It quivered for a few more seconds before clicking, signifying a successful capture.

    Rikuya walked over and picked up the PokeBall. He then proceeded to brandish a card at Hazel (he must have written it during the fight). It read: ‘And that’s how you catch a wild Pokemon! Any questions?

    “Nope,” Hazel said. “Oh, wait, I got one. Which way is Oldale Town?”




    Hoenn International Airport, Mossdeep City, Hoenn

    The Man in Black and the Woman in White strode out of the airport, ignoring the stares their odd attire drew from others. They walked to the parking lot, where a small white Volkswagen (keeping in with the monochrome theme) awaited them. Inside sat a driver, as expected.

    What they did not expect was for him to be a Pokemon.

    What they expected even less was for him to be a talking Pokemon.

    “‘Allo there, mate,” said the large purple blob on the front seat in what sounded like a thick Australian accent. As they watched, stupefied, he - or maybe she, or, the most likely option, it - grew slightly larger in size, until it seemed to widen into a more humanoid shape. It looked like a large misshapen lump of molten purple wax, with two indented pinpricks for eyes and a vaguely curved gash below that caused its features to resemble a popular Internet emoticon, the ‘smiley’. The odd Pokemon extended an arm to its ‘head’ and bowed, giving the impression that it had just removed a non-existent top hat. “I’m Rudi, an’ I will be your shoffer for the duration of your stay.”

    “First of all, it’s not ‘shoffer’, it’s ‘chauffeur’,” said the Man in Black, when he had regained his ability of speech. “Second, what kind of name is Rudi? And third, why the hell is our driver a Ditto?”

    The Ditto’s face twisted, its eyes forming sideways V-shapes and its mouth curling into a small circle, conveying a sense of annoyance. “First of all, I did say ‘shoffer’. Not ‘chauffeur’. Same thing. Second, it wasn’t my f*ckin’ decision, a’right? And third, why not?”

    “First of all -” The Man in Black’s reply suddenly ground to a halt as he realised something incredible. “Wait. You’re talking.”

    The Ditto’s offended face remained. “Well, of course I’m f*ckin’ talkin’. I’m a Ditto, aren’t I?”

    “That doesn’t explain why you’re talking,” the Man replied. He turned to his companion. “And why aren’t you saying anything?!”

    The Woman, mildly amused at this exchange, let out a giggle. “Well, I was the one who asked for him, wasn’t I?” She walked over by the Ditto. “Meet Rudi Irving Washington, one of our best Pokemon agents in the field. He’s been an invaluable asset to us since we obtained him from the Goldenrod Day-Care Centre in 2009.”

    “He’s four years old!” spluttered the Man, now having a fit of apoplexy.

    “In Ditto years, tha’s nearly twenty-four,” Rudi said helpfully. “Look on the bright side, mate; I’ll only be alive for anothah four years. Oh, wait. Tha’s not the bright side.” His face now formed a ‘D:’ emoticon.

    “Now you’ve made him sad,” the Woman said, her tone irritated. “We can’t have a sad Ditto for a driver.”

    “We can’t have a Ditto for a driver, period!” exclaimed her male counterpart.

    Rudi made the annoyed face again. “‘Course you can. Just watch, mate.” And with that, he began to morph. It was not pretty to watch: his ‘eyes’ melted away and his entire body contorted. His entire body inflated like a giant swollen bruise, and the purple colour swirled away like paint on water. Protrusions extended from his body, bursting out like tentacles. Slowly but surely, he was transforming into a man.




    Route 101, Hoenn ~ 12 PM

    “Alright, Finn,” said Hazel, a little unsure. “C’mon out.”

    The Mudkip burst out in front of her, glaring at its opponent. The small red worm glared back, its tiny eyes determined. The small spines down its side quivered a little in the breeze, and the two large yellow stingers at its tail stood erect, as did the one on its head. Behind it stood a boy around twelve years old, wearing a blue shirt and a hat. For some reason, he wielded a butterfly net as well.

    “Finn, this is Calvin,” Hazel explained, “and that’s his worm.”

    “Wurmple,” Calvin corrected.

    “Whatever. So, Calvin wants to have a practice Pokemon battle for when he gets his training license.”

    “I sent my form in for the third time yesterday!” shouted the child enthusiastically. “They’re going to accept it! You’ll see!”

    Hazel rolled her eyes. “Riiight. Let’s just get this battle started already.”

    “OK!” Calvin said brightly. “Wurmple, start with String Shot!” The insect fired a line of silk from the stinger, and the string slid over the ground with a wet splat.

    Alright, that’s probably going to slow Finn down a bit, Hazel reasoned. It’s too sticky to go for a direct attack, so I’ll begin with a special move.

    “Hey!” complained her opponent. “This is battling, not chess! Wurmple, Tackle!”

    “Aw, c’mon,” Hazel grumbled, turning her attention back to the fight. Wurmple scurried over to Finn and bashed its little body against the amphibian, who seemed relatively unhurt. “Right then, Finn, use Growl. That should scare it off for a bit.”

    The Mudkip chittered in a guttural tone that reminded Hazel of a certain platypus, causing Wurmple to back away nervously. Satisfied, Hazel ordered, “Great, now wait for -”

    Finn ignored her, charging instantly. He slammed sideways into Wurmple, and the bug let out an odd, pained noise as it was hit. Relentless, Finn continued assaulting his opponent with Tackle. Hazel contrasted the Mudkip’s battle style with that of Rikuya’s Treecko. Geko was careful and delicate, battling like a dancer, whereas Finn was all brute strength. He took every advantage he found, foregoing timing and precision in favour of raw power. It took exactly three Tackles to knock out Wurmple.

    Calvin stared, a little disbelieving. “You knocked Wurmple out ...” he whispered.

    “Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly the Terminator we were up against,” Hazel pointed out drily.

    “MOMMY! SHE MADE ME LOSE!” Calvin burst into tears.

    “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Hazel held out her hand. “Fork over the dirt, kid.”

    “... What?” The preteen sniffled, looking up at Hazel.

    “Eighth Amendment to the Constitution of Hoenn. Just because I’m not from around here doesn’t mean I’m stupid. ‘As per the new laws of battling’,” Hazel recited, “‘in case one party experiences loss or forfeiture, the other party is legally entitled to ask for a sum of money in case they carry a PokeDex that can calculate the correct sum based on Bernhard’s Equation’ -”

    “OK, OK!” whined Calvin. “I’ll pay you. Here!” He handed her a couple of dollar bills, which she proceeded to stash in her new wallet.

    “Well, that was fun,” Hazel commented, walking away from the still-sobbing child and back onto the path that lead to Oldale Town. “But you know, you really should obey my commands in battle, Zuzu.”

    Finn made an annoyed sound.




        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 26th April 2013 at 7:49 AM.


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  3. #53
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Behind you...
    Posts
    1,257

    Default

    Well, that was an interesting bit of trivia to wind us out of another interesting chapter! There were a few things I'd like to comment on:

    1,
    And, last and most importantly - you need patience to listen this speech. No, seriously. It’s freakin’ long.
    Aside from cracking a rib or two, the word to is needed in between the bolded ones in the quote. The haiku wasn't bad too, for a start. I've heard they're meant to follow a theme as well as the metre (like spring, deserts, stuff like that)

    2, When describing Rudi's facial expressions, I'd normally advise against using smilies or emoticons. Instead of , you could have said 'happy face'. When it frowned, you could describe its mouth becoming a pout and it squinting its eyes. And when gobsmacked, you could mention its jaw dropping. It's... easier on the eyes that way.

    3, I dunno but Is Hazel kinda muddled up about her Mudkip? First, she calls it Finn, and at the end of the chapter, Zuzu. Was she just trying to tick her Pokemon off? If so, smart move, Hazel. You and the Man in Black would get along famously.

    To wrap things up, I'd like to quote a few funny quotes:

    “Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly the Terminator we were up against,” Hazel pointed out drily.

    Nah, it was just one of its 'bugs'... :P

    “MOMMY! SHE MADE ME LOSE!” Calvin burst into tears.

    I know it's mean, but I laughed a lot here. Maybe this maturity (or lack thereof) is why he's not a Trainer yet...

    Great chapter, lots of fun! And chin up, Rikuya! Your ban will be over soon and you can ask Hazel out (if you must)...

    L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
    PROJECT C-SQUARE STATUS = 100.00% Complete (11-12-2010, ca. 2:40pm GMT)
    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
    Butt-ugly Banner by Me
    (Still waiting on the excellent Saffire Persian for another awesome TCQ banner!)

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    Aside from cracking a rib or two, the word to is needed in between the bolded ones in the quote.
    *fixes* Stupid, stupid me.

    The haiku wasn't bad too, for a start. I've heard they're meant to follow a theme as well as the metre (like spring, deserts, stuff like that).
    Well, mine didn't follow any particular theme. I just put it there for some random reason.

    2, When describing Rudi's facial expressions, I'd normally advise against using smilies or emoticons. Instead of :), you could have said 'happy face'. When it frowned, you could describe its mouth becoming a pout and it squinting its eyes. And when gobsmacked, you could mention its jaw dropping. It's... easier on the eyes that way.
    Actually, Rudi's face doesn't become a happy face, it morphs into the smiley face. It's not just any happy face, it's that one in particular. Same goes for all other expressions. Either way, I'll keep that in mind for next time :)

    3, I dunno but Is Hazel kinda muddled up about her Mudkip? First, she calls it Finn, and at the end of the chapter, Zuzu. Was she just trying to tick her Pokemon off? If so, smart move, Hazel. You and the Man in Black would get along famously.
    This oughta clear up your confusion some:
    "Hey, Mudkip," she said. "How'd you like to be renamed Finn instead?"

    Mudkip - formerly Doug - considered its new name and shrugged.

    "Well, he didn't give the finger," Hazel stated. "So I guess he's OK with it." At this, the newly rechristened Finn twitched its Mohawk-like fin at Hazel. "Hey, no attitude from you," she growled. "Or I rename you ... Zuzu!" She looked on in triumph as Finn flinched at the idea of his 'torture name'.
    So yeah, she was just annoying Finn because he didn't listen to her.

    I know it's mean, but I laughed a lot here. Maybe this maturity (or lack thereof) is why he's not a Trainer yet...
    You hit the nail on the head.

    Great chapter, lots of fun! And chin up, Rikuya! Your ban will be over soon and you can ask Hazel out (if you must)...
    Thanks! And you're actually wrong there, he won't be speaking for a while XD

    Anyway, Chapter 7 most likely won't be coming next week, unfortunately, because - in light of the recent Boston Marathon bombings - it contains some material that some may find insensitive. Sorry guys, but you'll have to wait for a while. Until then, you can go over on my FanFiction.Net profile and look at my Dishonored fic :D

    ~Deadly


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  5. #55
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    From the land down under...
    Posts
    6,997

    Default

    I'm pretty partial to fics which go through a game plot with their own flavour/humour/etc. I wonder why... :V

    Overall I am enjoying this story thus far. There's some interesting premises used (like the oft-mentioned-in-reviews part about the tax evasion deal, along with seriously menacing agents in monochrome clothing. I think the idea of having the rival not speak due to taking a vow of silence is a pretty neat concept and it seems fun to write about, haha. (And a sort of reversal in that the games had a silent protagonist and in RSE a fairly vocal rival, hum). Characterisation is certainly a strong suit of yours ,along with character interactions between each other.

    One part I particularly liked was your description of battle with Rikuya's Treecko. It feels like a pretty accurate description of fighting what with the staying just out of reach style, and you gave a good sense of it as well in the atmosphere too, so kudos there. There's a fair bit of potential here, so consider me a fan. =)

    And Zuzu is an amusing name as well. Poor mudkip.

    Also bonus points for doing a reasonable job with the explanation/usage of the whole 'protagonist wakes up in the back of a moving truck (or van)' deal when the game starts. Because that was just silly of the game (although let's face it, a) it's Pokemon and b) RSE is no exception to silly moments).

    A few notes from various chapters:
    the Hoenn region ~ 4:00 PM; four days after present day
    When you did this it seemed odd to me to have it uncapitalised - I assume it is a stylistic choice but it doesn't really seem to achieve any purpose. And in the last chapter you didn't do it either, so I'd suggest changing these instances here for sake of consistency as well (although maybe it was just due to the time/location titles being places...).
    Sighing, she quickly shut down the computer and put it back in the box, hoping that nobody would notice the tape (which looked as though a Meowth with particularly long claws had found a lack of tree bark and decided to trim them on cardboard).
    This seems a bit wordy an analogy to myself; it might be better here to split into two sentences and hence reword without the need to put the analogy into brackets?
    Littleroot Town, Hoenn ~ 3:30 PM; present day

    Hazel sighed, crossing her arms. "OK, let's try this again: let me through."
    Probably could do with an extra line of spacing here. Minor but a presentation thing in the end!
    On walking into her new neighbour's room, Hazel realised that the Birches' son's room was exactly the same as hers, but it sported a sleek, black Xbox 360S rather than a GameCube,
    Blasphemy! This can't be a Nintendo game - it's a trap!!!
    Although I like seeing explanations for things like your spin on Poke balls (especially ones that involve Hammerspace), but when you gave it I felt it slowed - or rather - stopped the story completely for the few paragraphs it appeared in, and it seemed a bit odd to also introduce it with telling us Hazel knew a thing or two about it. Doing that suggests it was her pondering these things, and given it is likely a mundane object for anyone in the modern Pokemon world like her (like say a laptop of calculator for is), it seems odd that suddenly there's an explanation on how it works being thought here. In other words - the explanation is neat, but the delivery felt a touch off to me.
    He grabbed a backpack from off the floor and, to Hazel's surprise, he fit his whole arm upto his shoulder in it.
    up to.
    ... Unfortunately, it's not Miror B. I'm referring to.
    =(
    The Champion, Lance Stryker, nodded gravely, his pretentious red hair stiff as a statue.
    Heh, I liked this bit of description.

    The man wore a black tuxedo, black trousers, and a black tie (not a bow tie, the kind with two long tails hanging out),
    The clarification at the end there seemed a bit unnecessary and distraction - if it were a bow tie then it would have been referred to as such I believe, and it seems an odd point to make a point to clarify as such as well.
    He had raised a window and was calling out from his office. “OK, kids, come back right up. I’ve got something for you.”

    In a few minutes, the two had returned to his office. Birch had set down a small red device on the desk.
    Here's a case of repetition I noticed. There's 'He had'/'the two had' twice and more so twice a mention of 'his office'. There's no need to mention the particular phrase again as it does, well, sound repetitive and it's already been established he was there too. Elimination of the unnecessary and all that.
    The Treecko moved with its foe, obeying Newton’s Third Law perfectly, breaking Poochyena’s defence effortlessly.
    I'm rather unsure of this. Can't say I see Newton's 3rd law - equal and opposite reactions - being shown to apply here when you mention 'the Treecko moved with its foe'. My one qualm with that fight scene.
    It looked like a large misshapen lump of molten purple wax, with two indented pinpricks for eyes and a vaguely curved gash below that caused its features to resemble the popular Internet emoticon ‘ ’.
    I don't mind using smileys in fics if used in this manner (ie for a joke, and not a lazy lolrandom kind either), but it doesn't work quite as well when the forum defaults it to the ugly yellow form (the smileys here are not that bad compared to others, just not very good either), and it jumps out well before I reached the line as well due to that - it just doesn't fit the text. I'd suggest when posting to tick the checkbox for 'Disable smileys in text' in the advanced posting mode to avoid that issue - imo, it looks better as the smiley, not . (Which for that matter is a pretty fine description for Ditto's facial expression as well, haha).
    The bad haiku was written by me; I’ve had no experience whatsoever with writing haikus, so, yeah, that sucks.
    Learn from the poetry master Professor Oak! =p


    Good luck with the rest of your story. I shall keep an eye on it! Well, when my eyes aren't stuck on uni anyways. Alas.

    A parody of the Pokemon Colosseum game, full of pastries and Miror B.
    Completed. Four times winner of Best Comedy/Funniest Fic.

    The BBS Forums! Join in!
    Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!

    Tied to this Pokemon Magazine! Looking for contributors - check it out!
    Why should you? Well, Wynaut?
    Current article: Fan Art Reviews: toufu's Manga! Check out neat art of Golduck and Shinx, among others!
    Avatar by minty-fivestar on DA, with edited background/cropping. Fic banner by cieux.

  6. #56
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
    I'm pretty partial to fics which go through a game plot with their own flavour/humour/etc. I wonder why... :V
    Pac-Man face! :D And I am honoured you like this so much that you would review. You have the honour of being the first staff member to review one of my works. Ever.

    There's some interesting premises used (like the oft-mentioned-in-reviews part about the tax evasion deal, along with seriously menacing agents in monochrome clothing. I think the idea of having the rival not speak due to taking a vow of silence is a pretty neat concept and it seems fun to write about, haha. (And a sort of reversal in that the games had a silent protagonist and in RSE a fairly vocal rival, hum). Characterisation is certainly a strong suit of yours ,along with character interactions between each other.
    Also bonus points for doing a reasonable job with the explanation/usage of the whole 'protagonist wakes up in the back of a moving truck (or van)' deal when the game starts. Because that was just silly of the game (although let's face it, a) it's Pokemon and b) RSE is no exception to silly moments).
    Heh, thank you. The idea of this is to parody the games as well as explain some of the more ridiculous things. Also, Rikuya and Hazel are in fact meant to be role-reversed. A clue lies in the names: Rikuya is a default name for the male protagonist, while hazel trees are part of the birch family. Subtle clues ftw!

    One part I particularly liked was your description of battle with Rikuya's Treecko. It feels like a pretty accurate description of fighting what with the staying just out of reach style, and you gave a good sense of it as well in the atmosphere too, so kudos there. There's a fair bit of potential here, so consider me a fan. =)
    I particularly enjoyed that part. In fact, I was searching for a way to spice up the early-game Tackle-Growl-Tackle-Pound battles, so I decided to do it this way, and show Hazel's analytical, quick-thinking style as well.

    And Zuzu is an amusing name as well. Poor mudkip.
    That name is a reference to PokeSpe, where Zuzu is the name of Ruby's Mudkip.

    When you did this it seemed odd to me to have it uncapitalised - I assume it is a stylistic choice but it doesn't really seem to achieve any purpose. And in the last chapter you didn't do it either, so I'd suggest changing these instances here for sake of consistency as well (although maybe it was just due to the time/location titles being places...).
    Well, 'the Hoenn region' isn't a full sentence on it's own, and that's why it isn't capitalised, but the 'four days after present day' bit isn't supposed to be there. Thanks for pointing that out.

    This seems a bit wordy an analogy to myself; it might be better here to split into two sentences and hence reword without the need to put the analogy into brackets?
    Probably could do with an extra line of spacing here. Minor but a presentation thing in the end!
    Will do.

    Blasphemy! This can't be a Nintendo game - it's a trap!!!
    Heh, wanted to do something different for a change. Did you know the next-gen Xbox is to be announced sometime next month? *is totally not advertising Microsoft*

    Although I like seeing explanations for things like your spin on Poke balls (especially ones that involve Hammerspace), but when you gave it I felt it slowed - or rather - stopped the story completely for the few paragraphs it appeared in, and it seemed a bit odd to also introduce it with telling us Hazel knew a thing or two about it. Doing that suggests it was her pondering these things, and given it is likely a mundane object for anyone in the modern Pokemon world like her (like say a laptop of calculator for is), it seems odd that suddenly there's an explanation on how it works being thought here. In other words - the explanation is neat, but the delivery felt a touch off to me.
    The idea is, Hazel isn't very involved in the world of Pokemon training. Sure, her dad is a trainer, but she isn't interested. That's why she's so reluctant to accept Finn; that's how come she doesn't know what Machop evolves into. And that's why, when she sees a PokeBall, she recalls what she knows about it - which is surprisingly a lot. Refer back to earlier, where she pointed out how she wants to work with the storage system; she's passionate about what she wants to do. She knows a little bit about PokeBalls, because they're linked to what she does want to do.

    up to.
    Will fix that.

    =(
    I'd actually been reading your fic the previous day :P

    Heh, I liked this bit of description.
    Thank you.

    The clarification at the end there seemed a bit unnecessary and distraction - if it were a bow tie then it would have been referred to as such I believe, and it seems an odd point to make a point to clarify as such as well.
    You're right, it does seem a bit redundant. I'll lop that bit off.

    Here's a case of repetition I noticed. There's 'He had'/'the two had' twice and more so twice a mention of 'his office'. There's no need to mention the particular phrase again as it does, well, sound repetitive and it's already been established he was there too. Elimination of the unnecessary and all that.
    I'll see if I can do something about that.

    I'm rather unsure of this. Can't say I see Newton's 3rd law - equal and opposite reactions - being shown to apply here when you mention 'the Treecko moved with its foe'. My one qualm with that fight scene.
    Whoops, that was actually misplaced. The analogy was meant to show that Geko moves out of reach whenever Poochyena attacks.

    I don't mind using smileys in fics if used in this manner (ie for a joke, and not a lazy lolrandom kind either), but it doesn't work quite as well when the forum defaults it to the ugly yellow form (the smileys here are not that bad compared to others, just not very good either), and it jumps out well before I reached the line as well due to that - it just doesn't fit the text. I'd suggest when posting to tick the checkbox for 'Disable smileys in text' in the advanced posting mode to avoid that issue - imo, it looks better as the smiley, not :). (Which for that matter is a pretty fine description for Ditto's facial expression as well, haha).
    Damn. Forgot to disable that. And I agree with you there. You can blame that description on Bulbapedia.

    EDIT: Fixed this in accordance with the rules, which forbid use of smileys in stories.

    Good luck with the rest of your story. I shall keep an eye on it! Well, when my eyes aren't stuck on uni anyways. Alas.
    Thank you, and I'd love to see more reviews from you as well ^_^

    UPDATE!!
    HR is on Pokecommunity now! We've also had a new banner for a while, courtesy of Brutaka, and I've edited the first post, revamping the rating to fit in with the new rules.

    ~Deadly
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 1st May 2013 at 6:04 AM.


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  7. #57
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    In a Forsaken world.
    Posts
    870

    Default

    I absolutely love this, Deadly. This is an awesome twist on the canon game! This is a hilarious story, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

    ...

    Can't think of anything else to say...

    Shymain

  8. #58
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    This is a hilarious story, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
    Thank you, and luckily, you won't have to wait for long. It's already done and will be up Saturday latest, so yay for that!

    ~Deadly
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 3rd May 2013 at 1:00 PM.


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    In a Forsaken world.
    Posts
    870

  10. #60
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Sure, I'll do that.

    ~Deadly


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  11. #61
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Here y'all go. Chapter 7 brings with it Nurse Joy, Daniel Roberts and Aidan Kent! (You'll figure out those last two if you keep reading.)

    hoenn reborn
    (the remakes that R/S/E deserved)

    / Chapter Seven /
    “I Said It ‘Cause I Can”




    Oldale Town, Hoenn ~ 2:15 PM

    Hazel flopped onto the leathery surface of the sofa with a sigh of relief. It had been a long day already, and it was just past noon. If Pokemon training is so exhaustive all the time, she thought, I’m gonna be having second thoughts.

    It had taken her all of an hour and a half to hike through the woods, seeing as the path often disappeared into the undergrowth, emerging on the other side of a particularly thorny shrub. It definitely hadn’t helped that wild Poochyena often appeared, snarling as they emerged from bushes and grass. Finn had helped scare them off - most of the time, a simple Tackle attack would knock them out quickly, but there had been one incident a few metres away from Oldale Town when, instead of Tackling, he lowered his head-fin to the ground and jerked it back up suddenly, sending a spray of damp earth at the Poochyena. That was when she’d learned something about Pokemon.

    “Alert,” the PokeDex beeped from her backpack. “Alert. Alert.” It wouldn’t shut up until she pulled it out and tapped the screen. A rather lifelike 3D figure of Finn appeared, alongside his bio-data - height, weight, area caught, moves known and a few other specifications. An exclamation mark popped up beside the ‘moves known’ heading. The list blinked for a second when she tapped on it, refreshing. When it was loaded fully, it displayed the list of Finn’s attacks.

    “Tackle, Growl and ... Mud-Slap? Hmm, I wonder what that does.” Hazel tapped the attack name, and Mud-Slap’s page opened up.

    “Mud-Slap, category special, Ground-type,” the PokeDex said mechanically. “Simple attacking move. Obscures target’s vision, causing loss of accuracy.”

    Now, sitting on a sofa in the Pokemon Centre, Hazel was scrolling through the list of moves Mudkip could learn. A few of them were learnt naturally, but some were labelled ‘Egg Moves’ - techniques that were genetically inherited from the Pokemon’s father - and some were labelled ‘TM’ - not in a circle, like the trademark symbol, but just the abbreviation ‘TM’. Intrigued, Hazel had searched the Internet, for the PokeDex lacked any more information, and found a news article dated eight years ago:

    Unova: Nobel Laureate Professor Daniel Roberts was murdered today as he left his home in Nacrene City. Professor Roberts, currently 52, won the Nobel Prize for his invention of Technical Machines - abbr. TM - in 2004, and was nominated for the Nobel Prize again earlier this year after his team of scientists in Nacrene University announced that they had perfected the ‘second generation’ of TMs.

    Professor Roberts was well-known and well-liked in his neighbourhood. Eyewitnesses report that, as he left his home for work at eight A.M. on Friday, two men in a red SUV drove up to him under the pretence of asking directions. The man in the driver’s seat then produced a revolver and shot Professor Roberts twice, once in the throat and once in the shoulder. The two men then drove away. Professor Roberts was hospitalised, but succumbed to blood loss mere hours later.

    Police have arrested suspects Yuri Marlowe and Carl Taylor, both Hoennian immigrants who work for a Pokemon rights group*. It is widely known that Pokemon rights activists in Hoenn are strongly against the use of Technical Machines, claiming the procedures involved in testing and use of TMs are ‘abusive towards Pokemon’. This is the main reason that the use of TMs is illegal in Hoenn and has been a subject of controversy since 2005.

    * name omitted on request.

    Well, that’s all well and good, Hazel said inwardly, but it still doesn’t tell me anything about what TMs actually are. Maybe I should ask the nurse ...?

    At that moment, she heard the now-all-too-familiar ping! as the number on the ceiling mounted display changed, indicating that the person holding the token of that number should go to the desk to have their Pokemon healed.

    “Number 204,” called the nurse at the desk, brushing her pink bangs away. “Token number 204.”

    Hazel, starting, checked her token. It read 207; she’d be up in a few minutes. When it was her turn, she took Finn’s PokeBall and set it on the desk.

    “Standard healing?” asked the nurse. “Or do you have any special requests or concerns?” Hazel shook her head, noticing that the nurse’s name tag read ‘Nurse Ellen Joy’.

    “Actually, I do have two things to ask,” Hazel said. “I just sent in my Trainer’s License application an hours ago. When can I get confirmation?”

    “I’ll just check and - oh, here you are.” The nurse tapped at the computer, and in a few seconds a small sheet of glossy paper popped out of the printer. Hazel watched, fascinated, as Nurse Joy placed the paper over a different kind of paper - a thick, stiff variety - and, in seconds, glued the glossy print-out over the hard paper. She presented it to Hazel. “That’s it. It’s done.”

    “That was quick,” Hazel commented. “Oh, and I just wanted to ask, what are TMs?”

    The nurse’s face changed subtly. “Keep it down,” she said quietly, taking Finn’s PokeBall and placing it in a machine that looked vaguely like a bulky oven. She turned to flick a switch on the machine, and, at the same time, whispered, so low Hazel could barely hear, “TMs are Technical Machines. They’re discs composed of some form of biotechnology which acts like an organic implant, used to teach Pokemon moves they don’t learn naturally, but are biologically capable of using. Right now, they’re incredibly controversial and banned in Hoenn -”

    Nurse Joy broke off, turning with a smile on her face once more. She handed Hazel Finn’s PokeBall. “Here you are. Your Pokemon is healed up and ready to go.”
    Hazel took Finn’s PokeBall and walked away, confused. Technical Machines ... Never mind, she thought to herself, determined. If thousands of trainers in Hoenn can do without them, so can I.

    Her train of thought came to a halt as she felt a growing sense of tension in the Pokemon Centre. Two men, both dressed in black hoodies and wearing opaque sunglasses, had walked in. One leaned against the counter, talking softly to Nurse Joy, while the other stood beside him, examining a brochure with an air of disinterest.

    Hazel walked out of the Pokemon Centre, a little uneasy. It had been a long day and she was ready to crash already - even though it was barely three in the afternoon - but not just yet. She had another place to visit.




    “So, this is the Pokemon Mart, huh?” Hazel stood in front of the building. It was a small shop that stood two blocks down from the Pokemon Centre, with a bright blue roof and a rotating sign outside that read ‘MART’. She stepped inside, and a blast of cool air hit her from the air conditioner on the ceiling, reminding her how warm Hoenn was compared to Johto. Then again, Hoenn’s all the way south, in the tropics ...

    “Hello and welcome,” said the clerk at the desk, his tone bored. “Can I help you?”

    “No, not yet, I’m just looking around.” Hazel moved to the display cases opposite the counter. They held everything a trainer needed - PokeBalls and other capture balls, healing items, items to cure poison, paralysis and sleep, and countless other essentials. Unfortunately, when Hazel checked her new wallet, she realised that she hadn’t got enough to buy much. Thus, when she finally walked away from the Mart, it was with a sigh and a single Potion.

    “Well, that’s it for now, I guess,” she said to herself, sipping on a soda in a small roadside cafe by the Pokemon Centre. “Can’t head onto Route 102 now, it’s way bigger than 101 and by the time I get to Petalburg, the Centre there will be closed. Guess I have no choice but to stay here overnight and leave tomorrow morning.”
    That still left the question of what to do. Oldale was a sleepy town, and Hazel’s phone didn’t get any reception - the nearest tower was in Petalburg City to the west - so texting was out of the question. She found an old computer at a cyber cafe, practically a fossil - it ran on Windows XP, for God’s sake! - and looked up ‘what to do for fun in oldale’. However, the Internet connection - it was a freakin’ dial-up connection - was so laggy that she gave up out of pure frustration. In the end, she asked the nurse at the Pokemon Centre if they had any suggestions to kill time. Nurse Joy gave her an odd look, before leading her into a back room and giving her a CD.

    “This,” she whispered conspiratorially, “is a CD of my all-time favourite Hoenn League Championship tournament, the one in 1999. There’s a computer with a paid Internet connection in your room, but you won’t need the net. Just put it in and -”

    “I know how to play a CD,” Hazel interrupted. “Thanks a lot.”

    Hazel expected the tournament to be pure violence; she’d seen the Johto League a couple of times, and found it to be far too brutal for her tastes. She did like the World Cup - the trainers who participated were normally extremely skilled, and battled like chess players, carefully and gracefully. Nevertheless, she had nothing to do, so she put the CD in the drive and hit ‘Play’.

    The Hoenn League was nothing like either of them.

    By the time the first hour-long video had ended, Hazel was spellbound, her eyes glued to the computer screen. This tournament was frantic and active, but the trainers were no less skilled than the World Cup trainers. Pokemon she’d never seen before carried out intricate strategies, moving quickly and striking in the blink of an eye, or winning by sheer endurance alone. She spotted a familiar face in the very first round; Aiden Kent, half British, half Hoennian, winner of the 2008 World Cup. Hazel knew he was a citizen of Hoenn, but she didn’t realise he’d been battling in tournaments since ‘99.

    It was 7:45 PM. Hazel had burned through nearly four hours worth of battles. She’d skipped the preliminary rounds entirely and watched most of the Top 128 one-on-one battles. The next round was the qualifying rounds, where sixty-four of Hoenn’s best trainers participated in ‘mixed doubles’. Basically, two trainers with two Pokemon each were randomly sorted into teams and double-battled another team, with the first team to lose two out of four Pokemon eliminated. This resulted in thirty-two teams, and sixteen battles - and sixteen winners. The Top 16 went to the finals, and the battle was watching was the one that would decide if Aiden Kent reached the Top 16 or not.
    “This is the final battle of the mixed doubles!” The announcer was literally roaring into his mic; the bad sound quality combined with his harsh voice caused Hazel to wince and turn down the volume. “As you all know, this determines who the last two trainers into the finals are! Ref, over to you.”

    The referee on the field spoke quietly, but the mic on his collar amplified what he spoke. “On this side, we have Rai Anderson from Lilycove and Lina Nozomi from Fortree City,” he said, “and in the other corner, we have Aiden Kent from Lavaridge and Uri Kassen from Fallarbor. Challengers, you may begin in three ... two ... one ...”

    Anderson was the first to move. He hit the switch on his PokeBall, yelling an indecipherable command at his Pokemon even as it appeared. A large grey pachyderm burst onto the field, snorting as it charged forwards at Kent’s choice of Pokemon, a hulking eight-foot-tall humanoid with four muscular arms. Meanwhile, Nozomi had sent out a much smaller Pokemon: a small, yellow-skinned rodent with two red pouches on its cheeks and a zigzag-shaped tail. Hazel recognised Anderson’s choice as a Donphan; they were quite common in Johto, especially around Mahogany. She could also hazard a guess that Nozomi’s Pokemon was a Pikachu; they were well-known as the URR’s national Pokemon. She knew Kent’s Pokemon was a Machamp; he’d called on it twice earlier, and it had won both battles. Kassen’s Pokemon, however, she knew nothing about. It was a small, tan-coloured thing, looking vaguely like a teddy bear with sleepy, half-closed eyes and dirty red markings, and it wobbled around like a drunk ballet dancer.

    The battle was in full flow just two minutes later. Machamp had begun by using what Hazel figured was its favourite move, Seismic Toss. It simply picked up Pikachu in one of its hands and hurled the rodent into the air, from where its squeaking (and rapidly falling) victim aimed a burst of crackling energy (the announcer observed it was a Thunderbolt attack) at the four-armed giant in protest. Donphan skidded to a halt after receiving a powerful punch to the face from Machamp, allowing Pikachu to bounce on its back and land safely. The ‘teddy bear’, meanwhile, was facing Donphan (not looking, because its eyes were shut) and murmuring something unintelligible. To Hazel’s surprise, Donphan - which had been pawing the ground, about to use Rollout - suddenly grunted in exhaustion and flopped on its side, asleep.

    “Well, that was an interesting start, folks!” the announcer said excitedly. “Uri’s Spinda - nickname, ‘Thumper’ - appears to know Hypnosis, and has just put Donphan to sleep! Donphan is now easy picking for Machamp, and let’s be honest, Pikachu aren’t exactly known for their incredible defences. This looks like a walkover for Kent and Kas-”

    Before he could even finish, Machamp had pulled a glowing fist back, eyes shut intensely, and proceeded to punch Donphan in the side with the force of a speeding Humvee.

    “Ooh, that looks like a fairly painful Focus Punch right there,” the announcer said, cringing. “Did that put Donphan out of the fight, ref?” But the referee shook his head. “No? Alright, looks like Donphan is still sleeping, but it’s taken massive damage already with that. But in other news, it looks like Spinda just got knocked out!”

    The referee counted to ten. When Thumper still didn’t rise, he said, “Spinda is unable to battle.”

    With a curse, Kassen’s hand flew to his belt. He withdrew Thumper, sending out another Pokemon. This one was a small, black-skinned quadruped, encased in a massive cage of solid bone. Only its eyes, unnerving and yellow, were visible from the depths of its armour.

    “And Uri just got really serious! He’s sent out the powerhouse of his team, Shelgon, nicknamed ‘Scarface’! Ooh, this looks like a strong ‘un, folks,” the announcer said apprehensively, his eyes fixed on Shelgon. At this point, Machamp proceeded to draw back its fist, preparing another Focus Punch on Donphan, but Pikachu leapt up, firing a Thunderbolt in the way. Machamp, its concentration broken, rounded furiously on the trembling Electric-type. With a roar that said You’re mincemeat, the colossal humanoid performed another Seismic Toss, hurling Pikachu straight into Uri’s Shelgon’s way. Scarface, eyes glowing, rammed the front of its body into the lightning rat. The referee counted to ten, and then stated, “Pikachu is unable to battle.”

    “Looks like that combination of Seismic Toss and Zen Headbutt just fainted Pikachu!” exclaimed the announcer. “It’s one loss on both sides; the first side to lose another Pokemon will be eliminated!”

    Even as he spoke, Machamp and Shelgon turned to Donphan. Even as Nozomi fumbled for a PokeBall, the two combined their strengths. Machamp pulled back its arm and gave Donphan a resounding whack that roused the sleeping Ground-type. Before it could even clamber to its feet, Donphan was hit in the face by a stream of steaming magenta flames. With a final groan, it collapsed to the ground. The referee, stoic as ever, waited for ten seconds before saying, with the barest hint of emotion, “Donphan is unable to battle.”

    “And that,” roared the announcer, “ends our match, two-one!”

    Hazel nearly cheered along with the crowd, but was brought back with a jerk to the real world by a pang of hunger from her stomach. Reluctantly, she switched the computer off and went to get something to eat.




        Spoiler:- A/N:
    Last edited by Deadly.Braviary; 6th May 2013 at 10:36 AM.


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  12. #62
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Bangalore, India
    Posts
    472

    Default

    This was a pretty good chapter overall, but I didn't understand a few things.

    Now, sitting on a sofa in the Pokemon Centre, Hazel was scrolling through the list of moves Mudkip could learn. A few of them were learnt naturally, but some were labelled ‘Egg Moves’ - techniques that were genetically inherited from the Pokemon’s father - and some were labelled ‘TM’ - not in a circle, like the trademark symbol, but just the abbreviation ‘TM’. Intrigued, Hazel had searched the Internet, for the PokeDex lacked any more information, and found a news article dated eight years ago:
    I think it's odd that Hazel wants to become a software designer for the storage system (I think) but has never heard of a TM before. :/

    Donphan, being a Ground type, is now easy picking for Machamp, a Fighting-type,
    I don't understand why the commentator refers to their types here. You do know that Fighting is normal effective on ground right?

    There weren't any other noticeable errors though.

    Credit to Ayra for the profile pic.
    ASB squad- http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...0#post16972170
    I have claimed Kabutops, destroyer of all! Fear me or perish!

  13. #63
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bolt View Post
    I think it's odd that Hazel wants to become a software designer for the storage system (I think) but has never heard of a TM before.
    How is this odd? The storage system works with both Pokemon and computers, and Hazel is more interested in the computer side of things. Besides, use of TMs is common in most Trainer Nations (including Johto); it's only Hoenn where they're banned.

    I don't understand why the commentator refers to their types here. You do know that Fighting is normal effective on ground right?
    Derp. Will fix.

    ~Deadly


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  14. #64
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    In a Forsaken world.
    Posts
    870

    Default

    Wow, interesting twist on the story. I wonder why the TMs are banned? I find it interesting how you changed Hoenn so that technology is old fashioned and uncommon... at least at this point. I assume this chapter was filler, and trying to add a new layer of complexity to the plot, as no action whatsoever occurred. Still loving this Fic!

    Shymain

  15. #65
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Wow, interesting twist on the story. I wonder why the TMs are banned? I find it interesting how you changed Hoenn so that technology is old fashioned and uncommon... at least at this point.
    To answer that first question:

    It is widely known that Pokemon rights activists in Hoenn are strongly against the use of Technical Machines, claiming the procedures involved in testing and use of TMs are ‘abusive towards Pokemon’. This is the main reason that the use of TMs is illegal in Hoenn and has been a subject of controversy since 2005.
    As for Hoenn being 'old-fashioned' ... not really. It's just that I, for some demented reason, imagine Hoenn as being slightly backwards, due to it basically being a tropical island in the middle of the ocean. It gives me a South American vibe for some reason, while Kanto and Johto feel more North American, while Sinnoh feels European. That's probably just me drawing odd parallels though.

    I assume this chapter was filler, and trying to add a new layer of complexity to the plot, as no action whatsoever occurred.
    Yeah, it was mostly filler ... but no action? Did you miss that humungous battle in the end?

    ~Deadly


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

  16. #66
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    In a Forsaken world.
    Posts
    870

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post

    Yeah, it was mostly filler ... but no action? Did you miss that humungous battle in the end?

    ~Deadly
    Sorry, I misphrased that. The battle was action, but it didn't advance the plot. That's what I meant.

    Shymain

  17. #67
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Behind you...
    Posts
    1,257

    Default

    That's a good question, Shymain. Guess only time will tell. On an added point, I love how you made the battles short yet sweet! I picked up some major points!

    The TM point isn't the only major plot device. I wonder who those two hooded people were. It seemed almost as if Hazel knew them, or the vibes she got were nothing good. Well, I guess only time can answer those questions. Great chapter, mate!

    L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
    PROJECT C-SQUARE STATUS = 100.00% Complete (11-12-2010, ca. 2:40pm GMT)
    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
    Butt-ugly Banner by Me
    (Still waiting on the excellent Saffire Persian for another awesome TCQ banner!)

  18. #68
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    In the mirror world
    Posts
    406

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Sorry, I misphrased that. The battle was action, but it didn't advance the plot. That's what I meant.
    Ah. You're right there. I wanted to make the chapter a little longer (it was minuscule without the battle) so I threw that in there. It ended up allowing me to flex my battle-writing muscles as well

    Quote Originally Posted by Air Dragon View Post
    That's a good question, Shymain. Guess only time will tell. On an added point, I love how you made the battles short yet sweet! I picked up some major points!
    Ok, that's good to hear. Battles are fun to write ^_^

    The TM point isn't the only major plot device. I wonder who those two hooded people were. It seemed almost as if Hazel knew them, or the vibes she got were nothing good. Well, I guess only time can answer those questions. Great chapter, mate!
    She doesn't know them ... yet > You'll have to wait to find out who they are. And thanks!

    ~Deadly


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


    the Writers of Justice + the Fanfiction Mafia


    banner and userbar by the fantastic Brutaka


    PokeCommunity . Writers of Justice . FanFiction.Net

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •