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Thread: The Legend of Darceus

  1. #1
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    Default The Legend of Darceus

    Hello everyone this is my first fanfic and I hope you enjoy. This is PG 13

    Prologue

    Before the Big bang there were 2 Pokémon Arceus and Darceus both were very powerful and were natural enemies. Soon Arceus created 3 Pokémon the temporal Pokémon Dialga the, Spatial Pokémon Palkia and the Renegade Pokémon Giratina and this triggered the big bang. As soon as the big bang occurred Dialga, Palkia and Giratina went to different dimensions Giratina went to the Distortion world and become the ruler of antimatter Dialga went to a blue dimension and became the ruler of time and finally Palkia went to a pink dimension and became the ruler of space. During this time Arceus and Darceus battles got more violent and when the humans came into existence and built spear pillar Darceus and Arceus battled on earth due to the powerful bond Arceus had with the humans.

    During one of the later battles Arceus was hit by a powerful move knocking it towards the ground after this problematic event the humans took Arceus to spear pillar and made 16 plates for it allowing it to enter a more powerful form known as its pure form. When Arceus awoke and it was given the plates in changed form and started to battle Darceus and was holding its own but instead of permanently destroying Darceus Arceus banished it to a different dimension and sealed the power it used to create the portal into 3 gems a ruby sapphire and emerald but it also gave the humans the plates and entered an eternal slumber until 4 special people came into being. The humans during this time made ruins and sealed the ruby, sapphire and emerald away along with the plates all of them were sealed in different ruins in the sevii islands. During Arceus’ eternal slumber humans made many technological advancements and Darceus and Arceus battling became no more than a myth but every myth has a basis. And 210,000 years after the final battle between Arceus and Darceus the 4 special people came into being in the quiet town of Pallet.
    Last edited by Greatemboar; 10th February 2013 at 11:02 PM.
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  2. #2
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    Ok this is the first chapter please comment on what you liked and didn't like.

    Chapter 1

    The Adventure Begins
    “Today is the start of their Pokémon journeys and they are sleeping in.” sighed the mother of 4 10 year old boys.
    “Don’t worry dear.” said an elderly man “they will be waking up now.” And sure enough 1 of the 4 boys was stirring in his sleep until he woke up he soon realized that today they would get their first Pokémon today. The second oldest a green haired boy quickly woke the other 3 up he was a bit mischievous but he wouldn’t let the others sleep in on this important day the second youngest a blue haired boy stirred and punched the green haired boy in the face. The green haired boy recoiled in pain and yelled “WHAT WAS THAT FOR SKY!?”
    The blue haired boy sleepily replied “Whenever you wake us up its normally bad”
    “He’s right you know” said the youngest a blonde haired boy stated.
    “Oh shut it Thunder” said the green haired boy.
    “Make me Forest” said Thunder as he got his clothes on.
    “Oh pipe down” said a boy with a black and red hat said
    “Oh Shadow go jump off the roof” Exclaimed the other 2 until they realized Sky was gone.
    “Hey where did Sky go?” Asked Forest
    “He left a while ago” said Thunder “Something about getting his first Pokémon.” That was when it hit them Sky had left them while they were fighting to get his Pokémon first.
    “When I get hold of him I’ll-“Forest was saying but he soon realized the other 2 had ran off as well.

    Running down the road Sky made it to Professor Oaks lab before the others and noticed 3 trainers leaving “I hope I’m not late” he said to himself.
    As he entered the lab he saw the professor who just said “Running a little late are we?”
    “Yes professor” Sky panted “I would like a Pokemon please”
    “Ah well we don’t have any more Charmander I gave the last one away a minute ago so would you like Squirtle, Bulbasaur, Pikachu or Eevee?” asked the professor.
    Sky thought for a moment then said “I would like Squirtle”
    “Ok Sky” said Oak as he gave Sky squirtle’s poke ball.
    Suddenly the door burst open as 5 more trainers came running through 3 to get their Pokémon these trainers were Shadow, Thunder and Forest Sky’s 2 older and younger brothers. As soon as everyone got a Pokémon and Sky beat Forest and his Bulbasaur with Squirtle and Thunder and his Pikachu lost against Shadow and his Eevee professor Oak gave them all a pokedex and some poke balls they set out for Viridian city. As soon as the four brothers left town they heard a 2 voices shout out “HEY DON’T GO!” and they turned around in surprise to see the 2 boys from the lab.
    Grays POV

    “Hurry up dear” said an elderly couple to me a 10 year old with Gray eyes Gray haired boy who was putting on some clothes for his new journey across the Kanto region of course my twin brother and younger of the two of us Silver who looked exactly like me was coming too but we always clashed. I sighed and looked in my mirror I was wearing black and gray headphones, blue and white headband, Gray tee, white and gray sports jacket, gray trousers, and white gray and black shoes. As I left my room and went downstairs I saw my brother was wearing almost exactly the same clothes as me but he had black and gray shorts blue and gray shoes with long gray socks and black and yellow gloves. Then I looked and saw he was playing with a Ferroseed rare Pokémon in the Kanto region so all I could do was ask my grandparents “Where is my Pokémon?”
    “Right here” they replied as they gave me a poke ball as I expanded it to full size and let the Pokémon out I soon saw they had given me a powerful Machop.
    “Thank you” was all I could say as I looked at the fighting type which was useful because it had the type advantage to a Steel/Grass type like Ferroseed. Then me and Silver headed out to the lab and bumped into two more boys one with Blonde hair, Yellow eyes, a Black and yellow headband, Black and yellow tee, with a Black and yellow jumper and trousers with yellow gloves and a necklace. The other one had red eyes and wore: black and red hat, black glasses with red frame, dark red gloves, red tee with black trim, black and gray vest with red trim, red watch, red black and gray shoes and red and black pants. Then the two said at the same time “Want a race?” Silver and I both agreed and we ran off to the lab oblivious to the Green eyed Green haired boy dressed in green behind us. As we entered the lab we saw a Blue haired Blue eyed boy dressed in blue receive the Squirtle a Pokédex and some poke balls. As soon as the other 3 got their Pokémon and the 4 started battling we left. But on our way out of town we spotted them and yelled “HEY DON’T GO!” and they all turned to look at us surprised to see us.
    Regular POV

    “Hey there” calmly said Shadow, Forest, Sky and Thunder who were waiting for Gray and Silver to catch up,
    “Hey” was all the twins could say then Silver asked
    “What are your names?”
    Thunder was the first to speak up “I’m the Thunder the one in blue is Sky the one in red is Shadow and the loser in green is Douche.” The last remark end up with Thunder getting punched in the face by Forest.
    Forest then stated that his name was Forest and asked Gray and Silver for a double battle to which they agreed to just then professor Oak came along and decided to be the referee for the battle.
    “OK this battle will be Gray and Silver vs. Shadow and Forest let the battle commence” calmly said professor Oak.
    “OK EEVEE GO” shouted Shadow as his Brown and Cream colored feline/canine Pokémon landed in front of him.
    “OK BULBASAUR BATTLE” shouted Forest has his green quadruped Pokémon landed in front of him.
    “LETS GO FERROSEED” yelled Silver as his Gray egg shaped Pokémon with green spikes emerged from its poke ball.
    “Machop go” calmly stated Gray as his Gray skinned fighting type with a tail burst onto the field.
    The four Pokémon stood and glared waiting for each other to attack until an order was yelled
    “Machop low kick now aim for Bulbasaur” said Gray as his Pokémon obliged by running towards Bulbasaur but dropped to the ground a slid for Bulbasaur’s feet
    “Bulbasaur jump it and tackle Machop from behind” said Forest which was obliged with Bulbasaur jumping over the low kick and slamming into Machop from behind sending it flying.
    “Ferroseed harden lets go” said Silver and his Pokémon obliged by glowing gray boosting its defense.
    “Eevee tail whip on Ferroseed and tackle on Machop now” stated Shadow as Eevee cutely wagged its tail in front of Ferroseed making its defense lower and then tackling Machop from the front sending it flying into a tree.
    “EEVEE CIRCLE FERROSEED” yelled Shadow to which his Pokémon obliged
    “YOU CIRCLE FERROSEED TOO BULBASAUR” yelled Forest to which his Pokémon obliged as well.
    “Ferroseed wait for the moment to strike” said Silver I a calm demeanor who was actually worried about his predicament as it was two Pokémon against one Pokémon unless Machop was still able to battle but judging from that tackle Machop was out.
    “Bulbasaur use tackle now” said Forest and Bulbasaur made a lunge for Ferroseed.
    “Ferroseed Harden and tackle at the same time aim for Bulbasaur” this was obliged by Ferroseed glowing gray and tackling Bulbasaur. As both attacks collided Ferroseed appeared unscathed but Bulbasaur was having difficulty which was due to the power of Iron barbs Ferroseed’s ability and the tackle.
    “Eevee tail whip and tackle at the same time go” said Shadow
    “Ferroseed don’t look at Eevee’s tail and tackle it” said Silver as both attacks collided another attack was launched at Eevee a low kick was heading towards it
    “Eevee jump” exclaimed Shadow as Eevee jumped and landed in front of Bulbasaur the ability Iron barbs took effect weakening Eevee but Eevee still managed to stand. Meanwhile Ferroseed was knocked out by the super effective low kick and Machop was knocked out by the damage done by Eevee and Bulbasaur as well as the Ferroseed’s tackle and Iron barbs ability.
    “Machop return you did great” said Gray sadly.
    “Ferroseed you put up a good fight return” Silver stated in a glum tone.
    “Bulbasaur you did great return” cheerfully said Forest.
    “Eevee return” blandly said Shadow.
    “Ok we will be seeing you around see you” exclaimed Shadow, Forest, Sky and Thunder.
    “Ok nice meeting you” said Gray and Silver.
    And with that the 4 brothers embarked on their new journey across the Kanto region starting with route 1.
    Last edited by Psychic; 19th March 2013 at 4:54 AM.
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  3. #3
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    Try double space. So you won't hurt peoples eyes. The story is good, but yeah people might get a hard time reading it. I like how this story has a lot of characters in it and that most of them are related. But remember, don't let criticesm ruin your story. If you need any help, Go to Author's Cafe and see if there's a helpful thread or start a thread. I hope this review helps! If not then sorry.

    So Dormant signing off..


    One Author, One Creator and Two boys. Set in Johto. Where everything is not what it seems. For they must flee from the group called the Grammar Police. And saved the World from an unknown threat.

    Credits to ~BrightStarVictory~ of Subspace Generate Graphics!

    So Bad It's Good and, So Bad It's Good 2: War of the Turkey

    Oneshot(s)! It's-IT'S. It's.....Something. Caution: May shatter your sanity. Read, if you dare.....

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  4. #4
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    Ok I'm looking for ideas on what pokemon each brother should catch in the next chapter PM me your ideas
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  5. #5
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    Ok chapter 2 is a little bit shippy but it does introduce 2 characters that will play a greater role later on and Happy Valentine's Day!

    Chapter 2
    Route 1 and Route 22 captures for all

    On their way through route 1 the brothers heard a loud growl that put them on edge.

    “W-What was that?” Forest said scared.

    “Just my stomach you wimp,” teased Thunder “I’m starved who brought the lunch?”
    And with that Thunder looked at Sky, Sky looked at Forest, Forest looked at Shadow and Shadow looked at Thunder until they realized they forgot their lunch.

    As Shadow and Thunder sat near some rocks Forest and Sky went to find some food but when they were 5m away from the rocks 2 Pokémon attacked them a Small bird Pokémon with tan and cream feathers and a purple quadruped Pokémon with a cream colored stomach and face area with a long curly tail and long whiskers. When they saw these two Pokémon Forest and Sky got their Pokédexes out and scanned them.

    In an electronic voice the Pokédex said “Pidgey the Tiny Bird Pokémon. A common sight in forests and woods. It flaps its wings at ground level to kick up blinding sand. Rattata the Mouse Pokémon. Bites anything when it attacks. Small and very quick, it is a common sight in many places.”

    “Ok I’ll catch Rattata” exclaimed Forest.

    “I’ll catch Pidgey then” stated Sky. “LETS GO SQUIRTLE!” yelled Sky as his light blue biped Pokémon with a tail similar to a squirrels and a tan shell with a cream under belly merged from the poke ball.
    “OK BULBASAUR BATTLE” yelled Forest has his green quadruped Pokémon with a bulb on its back appeared in front of him. “Ok Bulbasaur leech seed on Rattata go” this was obliged by Bulbasaur shooting a seed from the top of the bulb on its back towards Rattata which tried to avoid but was hit on the side as vines wrapped around it and glowed red absorbing its energy.

    “Ok Squirtle Bubble on Pidgey now” calmly said Sky as Squirtle let loose a barrage of bubbles aiming at Pidgey to which Pidgey responded with a sand attack blocking the bubbles.

    “TACKLE RATTATA NOW BULBASAUR!” yelled Forest to which his Pokémon charged at the Rattata only to have countered with tackle until Rattata glowed red draining some of its energy causing it to collapse tired and worn out.

    “Squirtle tackle and bubble” said Sky still calm although his Pokémon was dodging endless tackles. As Pidgey tried to evade bubble it was hit from the side by tackle sending it flying into a tree. “Now Squirtle hit it with bubble” as Squirtle shot another barrage of bubbles at Pidgey which connected this time leaving Pidgey breathless.

    “LETS GO POKE BALL!” shouted Forest and Sky at the same time as they threw a poke ball at the respective Pokémon they were trying to catch and as Bulbasaur and Squirtle eyed down the poke ball waiting to confirm the capture the poke balls clicked signaling the capture of the two Pokémon. But they realized they needed to get some food! They continued on their way until they came across an apple tree.

    “Come on Sky pick some apples and take them back to the others” said Forest who was already picking some apples

    “OK Forest then we can get back on the road” stated Sky. After they had picked some apples and carried them back to the others they all had a feast with their Pokémon well minus Pidgey and Rattata because Forest and Sky wanted to keep those two as secret as possible. After they got back on the road and neared Viridian city they saw two young trainers’ one boy and one girl leaving Viridian city.

    “Hello” said Thunder when he saw them
    “Hello” replied the two trainers’ “who may you be?” Before Thunder could reply Forest spoke and told them their names and asked them theirs.

    The boy replied “I’m Red” Red wore Black red and white shoes, a red and white hat black wrist cuffs, a black tee shirt, a red vest with a white collar and white stripe down the middle, blue jeans and a yellow backpack. Red had red eyes and brown hair.

    “And I’m Leaf” said the girl. Leaf had Green eyes and brown hair and she wore: a blue tank top, long blue sock, white and pink shoes, a red mini skirt, a white and pink hat and a yellow QVC.

    Leaf then gave Red a peck on the lips which made Red blush madly.

    “What was that for?” Red finally managed to say.

    “Come on dopey work it out” Was all Leaf could say

    Red finally after 20 minutes cracked it “Its Valentine’s day!” he gasped and quickly ran to the Viridian flower shop.

    “We’ll go and help him” said Forest and Sky at the same time shocking them.

    “Shadow Thunder you two go to route 22 and see if there are any good Pokémon there. And with that the Shadow and Thunder left for route 22.


    With Shadow and Thunder
    While Shadow and Thunder were on route 22 they encountered two Pokémon

    “OK Shadow you battle the monkey I’m going to the bird” Thunder said to his older brother.
    (Two Pokédex entries later)

    “Ok. Let’s go Eevee!” Shadow says excitedly as his Pokémon emerged in front of him and started circling Mankey

    “LET’S GO PIKACHU!” yelled Thunder as his yellow mouse with brown stripes, black ear tips, brown on its tail, a thunder bolt shaped tail and red circles on its cheeks appeared behind Spearow. “Pikachu use thunder shock on Spearow” said Thunder and this was obliged by Spearow getting hit by a jolt of electricity making it fall to the ground.

    “Eevee dodge scratch and tackle Mankey” said Shadow frantically as Eevee had taken 3 scratches after a leer leaving it very weak but Eevee had managed to land a few tackles that left Mankey weak leaving only one thing to do.

    “GO POKE BALL!” yelled Shadow and Thunder at exactly the same time as they threw the poke balls hitting their mark. After three shakes the Pokémon were caught and they went to the Pokémon center to heal their Pokémon.

    With Red, Forest and Sky

    Red was on his way to the Pokémon center after Forest and Sky helped him pick some flowers and chocolates for Leaf. When they got back to the Pokémon center they saw Shadow and Thunder getting their Pokémon healed.

    “Hey you two catch any good Pokémon?” asked Sky and Forest

    “Yeah I caught Spearow and Shadow caught Mankey” said Thunder while Shadow face palmed himself.

    “You weren’t meant to tell them” groaned Shadow

    “You said not to tell anyone I don’t trust so I told the two people I knew I could trust” Thunder said in his defense.

    Just before a fight broke out Red came by and said
    “I can’t find Leaf anywhere”

    While the others looked worried Sky remained calm

    “Red can I see your Pokégear?” asked Sky

    “Sure” said Red as he gave Sky his Pokégear. After about 2 minutes of work Sky finished and told Red to call Leaf

    “Ok what did you do Sky?” everyone asked as they glared at him.

    “I just made it so Red can find Leaf easier” exclaimed a frightened Sky.

    “Great thanks Sky” said Red as he was leaving in search of Leaf Red bumped into a group of 4 thugs

    “Watch where you’re going” said one of the thugs presumably the leader “And to teach you that lesson were going to pound you to a pulp” As his fist got closer to Red’s face and Red prepared for a broken nose he heard the thug scream in pain as Shadow blocked the punch and threw the thug on to the floor.

    “RUN RED!” yelled Shadow as the thug got up Red bolted out the door.

    “Heh saving your friend was pointless” said the thug “now we got to beat you 4 on 1.”

    “Oh we beg to differ” calmly said 3 voices behind Shadow as they rushed forward and punched the other 3 thugs in the face.

    “Who are you three?” asked the thug shocked at the speed they ran at.

    “We are your worst nightmare” exclaimed the four brothers as they leaped over the thug and landed out the door.

    “GET THEM!” yelled the leader of the thugs and all of the thugs dashed out the door.

    [CENTER]With Red[/CENTER]When running away from the thugs and looking for Leaf Red tripped over twice almost ran into a tree and almost broke his leg which is not normal for the boy that climbed Mt Ember when he was 8 and saw the Legendary bird Moltres. Finally Red found Leaf in a grove next to a lake. Instead of saying hello Red threw the flowers above her head so they landed at her feet. Leaf suddenly aware of another presence when she saw Red ran towards him and hugged him. Red blushed madly and hugged her back not wanting it to end but managed to find the will to end it and give her the chocolates.

    “Happy Valentine’s day…Feuille Vert” Was the only thing Red managed to say while he was as red as a tomato.

    “You too Rouge Flamme” replied Leaf using Red’s real name. Just as they were about to kiss they heard an explosion coming from the city and they ran off to investigate.

    With Shadow, Forest, Sky and Thunder

    “KOFFING TACKLE” yelled one of the thugs which was responded by a floating ball charging at its opponents

    “WEEDLE POISON STING” yelled another which was responded by a small caterpillar shooting a barrage of poisonous needles at its opponents

    “EKANS WRAP” Yelled the second in command which was responded by a snake shooting itself forward at high speeds at its targets

    “SLUDGE BOMB GRIMER” Yelled the leader which was obliged with a being made out of sludge launching highly explosive sludge at its opposition

    “PIDGEY USE SAND ATTACK TO BLIND KOFFING AND EKANS” yelled Sky to his Pidgey which flapped its wings kicking up sand blinding the two poison types.

    “Spearow Dodge poison sting and use peck on Weedle” said Thunder calmly knowing a flying attack is super effective against a bug type like Weedle.

    “Mankey use leer and scratch on Koffing” which Mankey obliged to by jumping at Koffing and hitting it with a very sharp claws.
    “Rattata tackle Grimer” as Rattata was about to tackle Grimer it was hit by sludge bomb knocking it out. “Rattata return” said Forest depressed. Just as Forest was going to send out Bulbasaur a voice said

    “Charmander ember on all the poison types go” which was obliged by a bunch of little orbs hitting all the poison types knocking them out. As the brothers looked to see who had knocked out all the poison types in one blow it turned out to be none other than Red! As the thugs turned and ran away with their tails between their legs and Red, Leaf and the four brothers went to the Pokémon center for a night and to rest their badly damaged Pokémon. During their dinner the brothers compared stories while Red and Leaf went to a Valentine’s disco at a friend’s house.
    TO BE CONTINUED…
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  6. #6
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    Okay I know Dormant said not to let criticism ruin your story, but I'm noticing a few problems.

    First, I see a lot of characters with names that I assume was based solely off their clothing. That's what I assume anyway... Either way, these characters, although the fighting between them is amusing, have little differences in personality and I only see that they just try to get the better of each other than develop traits that would most likely make a huge impact on the outcome of the entire story.

    Also, I hate to say it, but the punctuation in the story is pretty bad. I almost couldn't read the story because I didn't understand what you were trying to say because of bad punctuation.

    Finally, (don't listen to me on this one, I suck at this aspect too) when you try to do the battle scenes, all I was able to make out was "Pokemon A, use move A!" or "Pokemon G, use move E!" or etc. It got redundant after a while. As I mentioned in parentheses earlier, I have a problem with that, so I'm not the one to be giving advice on how to rectify that.

    Now the one thing I did like and hope very much you'll expand on is the prologue. I think it is an interesting background of having a second entity along with Arceus before everything came into existence. (Not to bring religion into this, but I always thought of Arceus as the Pokemon "God" so having a theoretical devil is a pretty neat concept.) I was actually hoping the the first few chapters would elaborate more on the characters' place in the story but from what I'm to understand they're all just trying to have fun. It sorta seems like the whole idea has gone down the drain if you ask me.

    I'm interested in seeing where this story will go, but a little more organization would make it flow much smoother. In fact, I'm glad you took Dormant's advice as chapter 2 was much easier to read than the others.

  7. #7
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    Thanks for the advice I'll make sure to take it in to account and the next chapter brings in some parts of the prologue.
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  8. #8
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    This chapter is up a bit late because I had writers block enjoy
    Chapter 3

    Viridian Forest and the Mysterious Shrine
    After Leaving the Pokémon center and Viridian city behind the 4 brothers Shadow, Forest, Sky and Thunder and their new friends Red and Leaf embark for the Viridian forest little did they know that they would encounter something that would change their lives forever.

    “Hey guys can we stop for some lunch now?” Begged Thunder the youngest of the 4 brothers
    “Shut up” is the only reply he gets from the others for the umpteenth time. During this Forest the second oldest brother and the one at the back of the group takes a wrong turn going left instead of right with the others. When the other 5 realized that Forest is missing they had passed 5 crossroads so now it was up to Forest to get himself out of the forest alive.
    With Forest
    Oh great Forest thought to himself I’m lost in the Viridian forest and according to the map I could die if I get lost in here too long. As Forest was walking along a path he entered a clearing and started cooking some sausages completely unaware that 500 pairs of eyes were watching him from the shadows.

    With the rest of the group

    Red and Leaf were preparing the food while the other Shadow sat under a tree knowing his brother would meet them on the other side of the forest while Sky and Thunder were using their flying types to find him. Finally Shadow said “It’s pointless you two” This stunned everyone didn’t he want to find Forest too?

    “Why is that Shadow?” spat Sky and Thunder because they genuinely cared for their older brother.

    “It is because he is great at navigating forests and unlike you two he has a map and his Pokégear.” This stunned Sky and Thunder into silence how did he know that those 2 only had Sky’s town map between them?

    This awkward silence was ended when Red and Leaf called out “Lunch is ready”

    With Forest

    After some sausages Forest set out again unaware of the Pokémon following him until a twin needle attack when over his shoulder and he knew it was time to run. As he started sprinting off through the trees he could hear the Beedrill behind him catching up as the Twin needles started getting closer until one hit his foot soaking his right foot in blood and causing immense pain in his leg which hampered his progress. As Forest stumbled into a clearing he saw an ancient shrine that attracted him to it as he got closer he heard the Beedrill flee when they saw him approach the shrine because the Beedrill always feared shrines like these because in the Pokémon language they were known as the shrines of the sacred and if a Pokémon attempted to touch one they would turn to ash in a split second ending their lives quite quickly. As Forest approached the shrine he started feeling an odd sensation and looked at his limbs which were radiating a green aura like the shrines glow. When Forest got close enough to touch the shrine he did and felt a burst of energy sure through him as all he could see was green and heard a mysterious voice say:

    • "Oh warrior of the Forest an aura shall guide thee of grass and bug you shall rule you are the embodiment of the forests and as such all forest Pokémon shall listen to thee and to answer the question you ponder I shall be revealed in due time but listen here oh warrior of the grass and bugs you may rule over grass and bug types but should you use your powers in ill will your powers will be stripped from you thou shall be teleported and healed to where your friends and brothers are but listen now oh cowardly soul there are 3 more shrines for your brothers to seek a shrine near Cerulean a place where water types flourish a shrine near the Island of Cinnabar where fire types reign and a shrine near the city of Vermillion where electric types rule. Your brothers shall no nothing of this conversation now be gone join your companions at the gate to the city of Pewter.”

    And with that Forest was healed and teleported to the gate out of this hole where he saw his brothers and with a few quick nods they left the forest for the Pewter gym.

    To Be Continued…
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  9. #9
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    Chapter 4

    Pewter city and Brock and Blue


    WARNING! Red, Leaf, Forest and Sky have already battled Brock already I have done this as to prevent this chapter becoming a bit dragged out. If you want to hear about what happened in their gym battles please let me know.

    With Red and Leaf


    “That battle was fun” Stated Red as he walked alongside his girlfriend Leaf.

    “Easy for me still can’t believe you agreed to take me to the mall.” Was all Leaf could say. Before Red could reply they saw a familiar boy with brown hair brown eyes and he was wearing a black tee and purple trousers. They thought they might have made a lucky escape but their luck vanished and they were spotted.

    “Hey Bad couple” Was what the Boy said.

    “Hello to you to Blue. Or is it Azul Oak?” Asked both Red and Leaf at the same time making them both blush as they both responded to Blue.

    “Enough talk lets fight.” Growled an enraged Blue who was obviously not happy at being called Azul.

    “You’re on Blue Oak but wait have you been to the gym yet?”

    “No have you?” Was all Blue could say in embarrassment.

    “Hah we both went to the gym and won so bye-bye slow coach.” And as soon as Red and Leaf said that they left Blue standing dumbstruck.


    With the 4 brothers

    “Mankey Low Kick!” Yelled Shadow as his Pokémon made a sliding tackle towards a rock snake.

    “Onix Rock tomb to protect yourself” Cried a trainer wearing an orange and black long sleeved shirt green cargo pants with brown spiky hair and black eyes.

    “Your Onix may be strong Brock but Mankey is faster” Shadow said calmly. “Mankey destroy the rock tomb with Scratch and Low kick Onix” As Mankey Destroyed the rocks while closing the gap between it and Onix until it slid along the ground and hit Onix knocking it out after 10 minutes of work leaving the only one left to battle Brock is Thunder and Pikachu.

    (Time Skip so we miss Brock’s speech)

    “Go Geodude” said Brock as a small brown rock with arms appeared before him.

    “Pikachu send ‘em packing “Stated Thunder as his yellow mouse emerged in the air did a back flip and landed perfectly. “PIKACHU IRON TAIL FINISH THIS IN ONE HIT!” Yelled Thunder as Pikachu sprang in to the air by jumping off the rocks that made up the battlefield allowing it to gain a lot of height.

    “Geodude Rollout quickly” Said Brock who was trying to stay calm but was nervous about Pikachu’s Iron tail against Geodude and Onix especially after they fell to a Charmander’s Metal claw. As the two attacks collided there was sparks flying until Iron tail overpowered Geodude and sent it flying into the wall unconscious.

    “Geodude Return” said Brock who was visibly nervous after that OHKO on his Geodude. “GO ONIX YOU’RE MY LAST HOPE!” Yelled Brock who was using his strongest Pokémon to beat Pikachu.

    “Pikachu quick attack into Iron tail” Said a calm Thunder and a scared Pikachu made the same maneuvers as last time but this time using Quick attack to make Onix’s aiming more difficult. Just as Pikachu managed to get into the air from jumping off rocks Brock ordered his Onix to block Iron tail with its own Iron tail sending Pikachu flying upwards as it overpowered the smaller Pokémon.

    “Pikachu quick attack to get higher up” Ordered Thunder as his Pikachu got higher using the beams that supported the roof which was high up. When Pikachu finally got to the top Thunder said “Now use Quick attack and aim at Onix’s head”. When Brock heard this he laughed at the thought of a normal type move knocking out his Onix that was until he heard the order for Pikachu to use the momentum from quick attack which got Pikachu so close to Onix he couldn’t counter to power up Iron tail and also the fact that gravity was on Pikachu’s side Brock could only watch as a Pikachu took down his massive Onix with a single attack.

    (Time Skip so Brock has recalled his Onix)

    “Thunder and Shadow you two have battled and won and as such I present to you the Boulder badge” After giving their thanks to Brock and saying they will see him again the four brothers could not help but watch as an ambulance went towards the shopping mall making them wonder what happened to Red and Leaf?

    With Red and Leaf

    Leaf was trying desperately to get Red up after he collapsed under the weight of her 100 shopping bags filled with new clothes. As the four brothers made it to the site they could not help but laugh at the sight before them until Leaf threw a high heel at Forest hitting him in the groin making the others laugh at the new sight as Forest was running from Leaf who had a bag of high heels with her.

    TO BE CONTINUED…
    Last edited by Greatemboar; 5th March 2013 at 7:33 PM.
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  10. #10
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    I like it alot!
    It was hard to read, I would re-read lines every now and then because of the spacing, but I like it. Nice job for your first fan fic!
    ~Working on getting a sig~

  11. #11
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    Here is the next chapter and finally a bit more closer to the prologue.

    Chapter 5


    Route 3, an Archaeologist and a Being from Beyond

    After a trip to the Pokémon center and a trip to the hospital to check on the crushed Red the 4 brothers make their way onto route 3 and continue on their way to Mt. Moon, until they came to a house and knocked on the door.

    “Come in” said a voice and the 4 brothers entered the house which was relatively nice for being in the middle of route 3.

    “Hello anyone here?” Asked Thunder as he entered the living room of the house which was well furnished with a small sofa and an arm chair accompanied by a flat screen TV.

    “I’m in the kitchen you dope” replied a voice that sounded like it came from the beyond the grave. Sky, Forest and Shadow all nodded their heads and shoved Thunder into the kitchen where he saw a man probably in his 70s who was wearing gray everything his eyes were black and he had no hair. As Forest walked in he remembered seeing a guy like the one before him in Pewter city.

    Flashback

    Forest was walking towards the Pewter museum of science when he bumped into an old man in his 70s who wore all white had white eyes and white hair. The man just handed Forest an old amber which he knew was a Pokémon fossil from his books written by Gary Oak.

    End of Flashback

    Thunder was waiting for the old geezer to fall asleep but that didn’t seem to happen so he went to the living room and planted himself on the sofa as his brother Forest asked about all the books and fossils.

    “Here boys let me tell you an old legend from the Sinnoh region. And my name is Alfred.” Said the bald man as he took out this great big book. (One Prologue Later) “Here is a bit that got me really interested” said Alfred as he flipped to another page “There will be four brothers who will stand against the evil known as Darceus while a single male will stand with Darceus in the destruction of the universe.” Now you trainer’s best be on your way so you reach Mt. Moon before nightfall’s or you will get lost.

    “Thanks” said the four brothers and they left the house but didn’t notice that Alfred had an evil smile on his face when he left.

    In the Real world

    “Is it ready professor?” Asked a boy wearing a Black Nike Tee and an Adidas hat with blue jeans and black and white shoes.

    “Yes it is. Now pick a team that you want to use.” Asked a man wearing a white lab coat.

    “I choose my LG team” Said the boy as he inserted a game cartridge into a machine that was linked to a glass dome.

    “Ok now call when you want to leave” said the professor as the boy entered the glass dome then with the press of a few buttons and a lever being pulled the boy vanished in a flash of black and white light leaving the professor by himself.

    In the Fan Fiction World

    The brothers were startled when they saw a white flash followed by a boy looking straight at them.

    “Hello I’m the champion in 5 different regions and I challenge you four to a 4 on 1 battle” Said the mysterious boy as he stared straight into the souls of each brother.

    To Be Continued…

    Who will win? And what is up with Alfred? All to be revealed later so stay tune.
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  12. #12
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    The font size/type for fics shouldn't be altered, so I removed the tags for Chapter One. (You might also want to consider editing the formatting so it's easier to read, like your other chapters.)

    In addition, all chapters should be no less than two pages long in Microsoft Word, and at least two of them are about half a page short. Please try to edit this and be aware of it for the future.

    Also, as a general note, you don't need all those setting headings multiple times in every chapter. Readers are smart - if you open the scene properly and describe it adequately, they will realize on their own that they are now "with X character" or that it's not a flashback. You can just skip a few extra spaces between scenes, and that will be enough for most readers.


    These edits are easy enough to make, and I wish you the best with your fic. Good luck,
    ~Psychic

    Pokéthon was a huge success! Check out our Facebook page for photos from the event!

  13. #13
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    Sorry I haven't posted a chapter in a while. I'll try to get one done by the end of this week if I don't have too much homework to do
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  14. #14
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    Warning Fire vs. Water in Mt. Moon


    “BRING IT ON!!” Yelled the four brothers as they reached for their pokeballs attached to their belts.

    “Oh I will” said the mysterious boy as he reached for a single pokeball on his belt

    “Ok Bulbasaur battle” cried Forest as his grass/poison type materialized in front of him.

    “Ok Eevee Go” said a calm Shadow as his Normal type emerged from its pokeball and stood beside Bulbasaur.

    “LET’S GO SQUIRTLE” yelled Sky as his water type did a back flip after it materialized.

    “Pikachu finish this” stated Thunder as his Electric type landed on its tail.

    “Charizard go” said the mysterious boy as his red Pokémon with two wings the fronts being teal, a cream belly, a fire on the tip of its tail and a light blue iris. The four brothers had one thought going through their minds right now and it was: Were dead.

    In Pewter Hospital


    Red was finally recovering from being crushed by 100 bags of shopping but it would be at least another week or two before he could leave the hospital and Leaf wasn’t leaving Viridian until he recovered from it since it was mostly her fault. Red however had came up with a unique way to get revenge.

    Near Mt. Moon


    “Charizard use your dragon claw to deflect the attacks” said the mysterious boy as his Charizard’s claws glowed a royal blue and slashed the attacks flawlessly deflected a water gun, razor leaf and thunderbolt sending them back towards the team of 3 as Eevee was defeated by the dragon claw as Shadow had tried a sneak attack by having Eevee run in cover of the attacks.

    “Eevee you did great return” said a glum Shadow as Eevee was converted into energy.

    “Squirtle you ready?” asked Sky as his Pokémon had been hit by the deflected thunderbolt. Forest and Thunder had asked the same question to their Pokémon as well. The response was a nod from all 3 Pokémon.

    “OK” all 3 brothers shouted at the same time “TRIPLE COMBO GO! RAPID IRON WHIP!” the combo started by Squirtle going into its shell but leaving its arms out and grabbing onto Bulbasaur’s front legs while it used vine whip so that Pikachu could hold on and not worry about letting go when it didn’t have enough speed. The mysterious boy just stood there calmly waiting to see what happened. As Squirtle used Rapid spin it spun Bulbasaur around which in turn spun Pikachu around who was prepping an iron tail as soon as Bulbasaur let go of Pikachu Charizard without having any time to react was hit by the iron tail.

    “Charizard use Heat wave” said the mysterious boy as his Charizard shot a scorching hot blast of flames from its mouth that tore up the ground sending pieces of earth at the 3 Pokémon who could only hope that their trainers could do something before the attack hit.

    Sky was the only one that came up with a plan before the Heat wave hit. “Squirtle use Water spin now” said Sky as his Squirtle retracted into its shell and used water gun while using rapid spin but it was futile as the water gun evaporated when it met the flames as the flames decimated Pikachu, Bulbasaur and Squirtle the 3 Pokémon were returned and when the brothers went to congratulate the boy he had disappeared leaving only an egg with a note attached reading ‘To Shadow’. After the battle was finished the 3 brothers made it to the Pokémon center at Mt. Moon the brothers decided to spend the night since their starter Pokémon were too injured to move until the next day.

    In Mt. Moon


    A team clad in Red and a team clad in Blue were fighting over a mysterious shrine deep in the mountain. The team in Red was team Fire remnants of team Magma and their opponents were team Water remnants of team Aqua

    To Be Continued…
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  15. #15
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    Sorry my fanfictions haven't been updated the weather has been nice and I've been revising like hell. The next chapters should be up for Monday Tuesday at the latest
    These two songs describe me well

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58QOBqAWNzE (Top Gun- Danger zone)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osuhlptx0J8 (Rascal Flatts- Life is a Highway)

  16. #16
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    Okay, please, don't be offended, but this is horrible. The plot is rushed, the background is horrible, the description is absolutely despicable and your grammar and spelling are abominable.

    I mean, nice idea and all, but make this something that we would want to read, not just an idea out of your head that is good that isn't correctly portrayed. Another issue: as Psychic said, this is way to short. Perhaps you could actually add description and figure out inventive, lengthier ways to state facts- don't just randomly say that team red and blue are remnants of team aqua and magma. Add some dialogue, a bit of the fighting, add a clever introduction of the fact that they're the team remnants- or don't mention it, even. Make it a mystery.

    Please, please, please just work on this before you post it. You don't need to quickly scribble this stuff down, type it up and post it, you need to put time into it.

    These chapters are wonderful- at least as outlines for the real chapters. Fix the grammar, lengthen the outlines, add details and better spelling, be clever with details, and, lo and behold, you have a real chapter- not this stuff.

    I really, really, really hope this helped you, and that you'll think about this before making any other chapters.

    Oh, and by the way, are you posting this on FF.net?

    -Shymain

  17. #17
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    SHYMAIN!! I am very disappointed!

    Are you here to review? Or, are you here to just flamed this story?

    Sure, there are problems with this story, but that doesn't give you the right to bash it!

    I mean look!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Okay, please, don't be offended, but this is horrible. The plot is rushed, the background is horrible, the description is absolutely despicable and your grammar and spelling are abominable.
    OF COURSE A SANE PERSON WOULD BE OFFENDED!!! Horrible? Absolutely Despicable? Abominable?! Wouldn't it hurt to be polite?! Even if you think that the story needs a lot of improvement doesn't mean you have to be very disrespectful and rude!

    I don't care whether this fic is filled with mistakes. That does not give you the right to call this fic horrible. Not so good? Yes. Bad and Stupid. NO.

    Please, PLEASE use your words carefully!

    To tell you the truth, I was really REALLY pissed at looking at the first sentence of the review.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Please, please, please just work on this before you post it. You don't need to quickly scribble this stuff down, type it up and post it, you need to put time into it.
    SAME GOES TO YOU. Please please please, do NOT use the words Horrible, Despicable or Words like them when reviewing or commenting on fics such as this. It makes people unhappy. It's like your bullying the author. Sure, he might not be good but insulting and bashing him would make things worst.

    Shymain, Use your words carefully. Respect the Author. Respect the Story. Calling the story despicable won't make it better.

    I am ashamed of you.

    As for the Story itself. I would like to say. Yes, the Plot is a bit rushed. And Yes, the chapters are short. But that doesn't mean you can't improve Greatemboar, I can tell that you are working hard on this fic. Don't let people like Shymain put you down. Some people enjoy this fic. Psychic even gave you a good review.

    I hope you keep improving in the future. I am quite interested on what you have to offer. But first you have to slow down the Plot. Let the plot flow like a river, a calm one. As for the grammar, well it's better than mine so I guess it could do some improvements...

    Anyways. Sorry for my rant on Shymain. I'm just unhappy on the way he reviewed this story.

    So Dormant signing off..
    Last edited by Dormant; 27th May 2013 at 4:07 PM.


    One Author, One Creator and Two boys. Set in Johto. Where everything is not what it seems. For they must flee from the group called the Grammar Police. And saved the World from an unknown threat.

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  18. #18
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    Greatemboar,

    I'm so, so so, sorry if I seemed rude. I really did not mean to be harsh at all- I just used the wrong words to describe it. I'm sorry that I said that, and I really shouldn't have. Once again, I'm so, so, so, sorry.

    Dormant, I actually wasn't trying to 'put him down', as you put it. I was trying to give him some advice, and it came out harshly.

    GE, I'm really sorry. I think this fic is actually quite decent, you just need to improve on it.

    So, yeah. Sorry.

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