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Thread: Water That Heals

  1. #1
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    Default Water That Heals

    Hello Everyone and happy Valentines Day. This will be my first romance fic and I will do my best to make this story enjoyable for both of you. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.

    Ch: 1 The Landslide.

    As a girl, I've always felt like I was part of a Cinderella story. Being trapped in a terrible home, always have to deal with family who don't even care about me. You see, instead of two mean stepsisters, I had my father Ray. Ever since my mother died when I was a Chimchar, my father had changed. He wasn't the nice and loving parent that he used to be. Every time as I go home, he always waits for me. No matter what I do, good or bad, I always get beaten by him and in some cases…worse than that. Because of him, I hardly made any friends or often find myself alone. It wasn't long until I've met him.

    You see, I live in a cave near a volcano on an Island, the perfect home for fire types like me. I walked outside my home to find some food to eat. Thank Arceus my father was away. To be honest, I don't know why I call him my father. Sure he and my mother gave birth to me, but for what I had to deal with him, I'm doubtful that he's deserving of such a title. Trapped in my own thoughts, there ground beneath me gave way and I fell along with the rocks on the mountainside. It was there when I lost consciousness.

    As soon as I woke up, I felt myself being carried onto somebody's back. My vision was blurred, but I can tell who it may be. The pokémon is just as tall as I am. My vision was started fading again but I can tell that he must be a water type due to his light blue fur. It wasn't long until I blacked out again.

    "Son, why did you bring this outsider here!?" An older voice shouted as I struggled to open my eyes. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to move on the floor beneath me. Just by the smell of the air I can tell that I'm somewhere near water, my weakness of course.

    "F-father, I found her near the foot of the mountain. She looked badly hurt, and I couldn't just leave her there!" A younger voice yelled back as he had a bit of nervousness in his voice. Clearly he's trying not to be scared.

    "There has been, many rockslides there. One that caused the river that led to the springs to be blocked. How do we know that she isn't the one responsible!?" The older voice again yelled. Do you know why I lead this clan, and why do I teach you what I do?"

    "And one of them is to help others when needed." The young voice responded. "Wait, I think she's waking up."

    As I opened my eyes, I saw that I'm in a cave next to a beach. There were two pokémon that were there. The first one is a large pokémon on four legs and a great white beard. He had piercing red eyes that could scare a Ghastly, and he was covered in armor. One in particular is the spiked helmet on his head. The second one is much smaller. He's around my height, has black eyes that are a hint of blue. Another thing about him is that he has a darker shade of blue fur around his waist where two shells are held.

    "Oh, you're finally awake." The smaller pokémon said as I slowly tried to get up.

    "Hey, watch it you're already hurt from that land slide. You've also appeared to have some injuries that happened before that. What happened to you?" The Dewott asked as I looked away and said nothing.

    "Miju! Stay away from that girl!" The Samurott shouted as he just looked at him.

    "But father, we don't even know what was the cause of the blockage. It may be just another natural disaster." Miju explained. I have to say, it's really nice of him to help me, especially standing up to his father.

    "Look." I've said as both pokémon looked at me. "I have nothing to do with this. I just got caught in a landslide as I was looking for food."

    "Is that all what you're doing?" The Samurott growled as I nodded.

    "Very well, I trust you…for now. Would you state your name and your place of birth." The Formidable pokémon asked. Oh Arceus, I didn't tell you my name.

    "My name is Ember, and I'm from Fire Mountain." I answered.

    "Ember huh, that's a nice name." Miju said as I felt my face heat up. What is that I'm feeling?

    "Thanks. By the way, not to be rude but could I stay here for a while? It's not safe from where I'm from." I asked as the Samurott thought for a second.

    "Only until you healed, but in order to gain my full trust, I want you to do something in my request. By the way, I am Mizu." The Samurott said.

    "Nice to meet you and what is your request?" I responded.

    "Go and find the exact cause of the blockage of the river. There is a waterfall that holds a cave that is meant for our rituals, but this water is different from fresh or sea water." He explained.

    "What's so special about it?" I asked.

    "That's something that only Miju can find out because he'll be going with you." Said Mizu as both of us looked at him.

    "What do you mean?" Miju asked his father.

    "Miju, I know that you're coming of age, and in order to do this, I want you to go to that place as well." He began to whisper "I also want you to keep an eye on her. I still don't trust her."

    "Ok, I'll do it." Miju replied.

    "If you want me to, then I will." I said as well.

    And thus, our adventure begins.

    So…yeah, not how I originally planned it, but hey. So Ember and Miju begins their quest on the blockage of the rivers. What will happen next? Find out next time.
    Black FC: 2709-9424-8738
    Please Check out my fics
    Credit goes to Brutaka and Eeveelover824


  2. #2
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    Shouldn't this go in the main Fanfiction section and not the Author's Cafe?


    plot, bounty hunters, crazed tax collectors
    a journeyfic by the most improved writer of 2012, second place
    what more could you want?


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  3. #3
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    Wait, if this is a shipping fic, does it get romatic later on? Anyways, you have problems with the dialogue punctuation.

    "Only until you healed, but in order to gain my full trust, I want you to do something in my request. By the way, I am Mizu." The Samurott said.
    Don't capitalize the since he is talking. And use a comma at the end of Mizu.

    "Go and find the exact cause of the blockage of the river. There is a waterfall that holds a cave that is meant for our rituals, but this water is different from fresh or sea water." He explained.
    Again do not capitalize "he" unless it is put before the dialogue like,

    "He explained, "Go and find the exact cause of the blockage of the river. There's a waterfall that holds a cave that's meant for our rituals, but this water's different from fresh or sea water."

    Besides, this story is a tad short, because nothing happened except for the backstory and a Dewott being found. I noted the dialogue there to help you out with that. It may be confusing to you, but you'll understand it once you see what I mean.

    Every time as I go home, he always waits for me. No matter what I do, good or bad, I always get beaten by him and in some cases…worse than that.
    Be careful of these tense issues. This is in past tense and waits should be "waited". And... should this Chimchar be disappointed by his mother dying and getting beaten for no apparent reason? And I just feel nothing from this Chimchar's perspective. You should add in emotion to this Chimchar where he mentioned of getting beaten and when he leaves with Dewott. He seemed nothing.
    Last edited by Quilava42; 18th February 2013 at 12:13 PM.

  4. #4
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    Since these look like original characters, I'm moving this to the main Fan Fiction section. If you'd rather have it in Shipping Fics, tell me and I'll move it there.

    Chapter 63: Recovery
    The story of an ordinary boy on an impossible quest in a world that isn't as black and white as he always thought it was.
    (rough draft of the remaining chapters finished for NaNoWriMo; to be edited and posted)

    Morphic
    (completed, plus silly extras)
    A few scientists get drunk and start fiddling with gene splicing. Ten years later, they're taking care of eight half-Pokémon kids, each freakier than the next, while a religious fanatic plots to murder them all.

    Lengthy fanfiction reviewing guide / A more condensed version
    Read and I will be very happy for a large number of reasons.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Shouldn't this go in the main Fanfiction section and not the Author's Cafe?
    I didn't think its in that section. If it is, I'll move it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Quilava42 View Post
    Wait, if this is a shipping fic, does it get romatic later on? Anyways, you have problems with the dialogue punctuation.



    Don't capitalize the since he is talking. And use a comma at the end of Mizu.



    Again do not capitalize "he" unless it is put before the dialogue like,

    "He explained, "Go and find the exact cause of the blockage of the river. There's a waterfall that holds a cave that's meant for our rituals, but this water's different from fresh or sea water."

    Besides, this story is a tad short, because nothing happened except for the backstory and a Dewott being found. I noted the dialogue there to help you out with that. It may be confusing to you, but you'll understand it once you see what I mean.



    Be careful of these tense issues. This is in past tense and waits should be "waited". And... should this Chimchar be disappointed by his mother dying and getting beaten for no apparent reason? And I just feel nothing from this Chimchar's perspective. You should add in emotion to this Chimchar where he mentioned of getting beaten and when he leaves with Dewott. He seemed nothing.
    Ok, I'm glad that's the only thing wrong.
    Black FC: 2709-9424-8738
    Please Check out my fics
    Credit goes to Brutaka and Eeveelover824


  6. #6
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    Sorry about that, will update next week
    Black FC: 2709-9424-8738
    Please Check out my fics
    Credit goes to Brutaka and Eeveelover824


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